#2740 Below Deck Down Under S03E04 Part One: No Excuses, Brah
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Hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker and joining me today is

is the pinnacle of manhood, the male form, maleness. It is Mr. Ronnie Karam. Hi, Ronnie, how are you? - Hi, that's so sweet, thank you. Maybe I'm the P-knuckle. - P-knuckle, well, you know, I just feel like after seeing this self-help guru on "Below Deck, Down Under," I have a greater understanding of what we need to do to support fellow men in our society, the most trampled upon demographic.

And this thanks to this guy who was on this boat. I'm like, you know what? Now I know we just need to touch more men and we have to ask men. What do they want? What do men want? Because, you know, the thing is, men just don't go out and grab what they want enough on their own. So thank you. This extremely expensive Groupon facial surgery, which is what this douchebag has. Dude, stop worrying about your fucking self-help and go get some proper eyes done, sir.

Yeah, I love that for as much as this guy is obsessed with self-help and talking about his own success that he's achieved, he's still incredibly obsessive about every single calorie that goes into his body. There's something about that. You would say that it's, oh, because he's a high-functioning machine and needs to put probably the fuel in the machine. It's like, no, you are still dealing with the neuroses that we all deal with. Ha! Yeah.

So that made me happy. - I know, I love thin people who are so worried about being fat. They're my favorite, they're my favorite. That's my favorite insecurity. I saw something on Reddit today that was like, "Tay McCray, finally a normal average body."

in pop culture what the are you talking about Tate McRae yeah Tate McRae is a perfect body and what are people talking about they're like finally a full-figured woman shut the up all of you I hope you all get on the boat with this douchebag and then I'll sink it yeah I think it's time you know famous people are getting annoying names these days Tate McRae Benson Boone they all sort of sound the same they all sound like they're

I don't know. Okay, I just officially became an old man. That all sounded like Lonesome Dove characters. Tate McRae, Bunsen Boone, Chaperone. Tate was in love with Myson and Boone was in love with Cotton. Cotton was in love with Drip. Drip was in love with Log. What happened to the good old days of like a Whitney Houston?

You know? Okay. I'm officially an old person now. What happened to the Rondal Wadais of the world? That's what I want to know. Right. That's what I want to know. So anyway, today we're here to talk about Below Deck Down Under, which you might not even believe, considering how we've started this episode. That's my fault. I'm steering the ship today, and I've steered it Captain Jason style right aground.

But before we get into that, we have our tour that is resuming in March, and we're going to be going to so many cities. We are going to kick things off mid-March by going back to Cincinnati, where we had a very raucous show a few years ago, and so we're excited to come back there. Minneapolis, Toronto, Charlotte, Atlanta, D.C., and Philadelphia. And those are just the shows for March.

There's a whole other bunch of shows for April and May, including our very first Vegas show. I'd like to point out, I feel like we haven't really, we haven't really emphasized that we are doing a Vegas show. And hello, that's going to be wild and super fun. But anyway, all the tickets are at WatcherCrappins.com. And you can also get Patreon there, Patreon.com slash Watcher Crappins. We're covering Traders on Patreon. So if you want to hear our thoughts on that, go check that out.

and you can also watch us with crap it's on demand via patreon so go do all those fun things okay um in the meantime why don't we dive into below deck down under season three episode four kiss and don't tell yeah that's the episode yes and don't tell um maids making out maids making out maids making out second day of charter

Captain is dumping Anthony in the galley. He's like, right, start to clean up your stuff here because we can drive you to the marina straight away. There's a line. There's a line, all right? You quit, you leave immediately, all right? I'd just like to keep that line, all right? Would you like a kimono on your way out? Please hashtag Captain Jason. Did you hear that Captain Jason's all about his kimonos because he's starting a kimono line? He did not hear that. I'll tell you.

When I want to get a kimono, the first person I look to is a yacht captain. I'm excited about this. Okay, so he has a kimono line coming out. That's exciting. Yeah, I just searched...

captain jason kimono lounge and it's called captain jason chambers cabin is that what it's called the captain's lounge oh it's called the captain's lounge if you go on his facebook you can see him lying back in a kimono and giving sexy eyes to the camera i don't think this is gonna work for a lot of people i don't

We'll say this right now. - Okay, well, here's what's funny. If you go on, so he has an Instagram page. - Look at Harry, look at Harry. Are you looking at the Facebook thing? Harry comes out modeling one with his goofy face. He's like, "I'm in a kimono, can you believe me?"

So here's I can't even deal with that. So here's so he has on Captain Jason's Instagram. He has a link to another Instagram. That's the captain's lounge, which is for these kimonos. And he's done the thing. There's only six posts and they create a mosaic. And then you know how when people do that, like if you look at your grid, it creates an overall picture. So the six pictures together are.

You have the logo that says Captain's Lounge and then you see and then he's like lounging across the sofa in the kimono. But the problem is the mosaic, this mosaic was clearly created when Instagram was making the grid look like a whole bunch of squares. But Instagram recently changed their grid to be a whole bunch of rectangles, which means that this entire mosaic is all messed up. And what it looks like it says is Captain's Dung because...

Because the L and the E got cut off and the line is going through the O. So it looks like it says Captain's Dung. Oh my gosh. Charting a new course, how moving to the Philippines changed my life. When I made the bold move to a beautiful and remote spot in the Philippines a few years back, I was searching for a new adventure and a fulfilling life for myself and my family. This journey wasn't without its challenges. So I took off my underwear and put on some silk. Captain's Lounge.

So Captain's lunch. I'm on the official website. Oh, it's a personal blog and online store. Notably, not a single kimono on the on the page. That's fine. Noticing that. Yeah, I'm looking for it. Well, wait, let me go to shop. My online store is launching soon. Well, you know, my ass is going to be on this store.

Captain Jason lounging in a kimono. Get on the mailing list to get your complimentary kimono. It's the captain's lounge. Wow. Love it. That said, I don't think that fashion is going to work for me. If anything, I need like, I don't know, the five snuggies, whatever. I'm not really a kimono. I don't think I could pull off a kimono. I don't know if I'm a kimono type either, but maybe. I don't know. You never know. You never know until you try it. A little sassy style.

sassy thigh revealing kimono. Yeah. All right. So anyway, he's firing that douchebag Anthony. So Anthony's just like, okay. And so then he points to Serena like, okay, you got your wish. Now have fun doing everything yourself. And she's like, oh God, I need to kick into gear. Yeah, everything's going to be fine. Yeah, everything's going to be fine down here. Mm-hmm.

She starts to spiral and spirals the rest of the episode. So then now Captain Jason is telling Lara that Anthony's leaving and...

and that he's got some CVs, but it's going to take time for people to get to the Seychelles. And so then Anthony's going around being like, well, I'm off skis. And he immediately changes out of his uniform and he gets into his T-shirt in that strange straight jacket way that he did last week where he drops the shirt all the way down to his waist but keeps his hands by his waist and then squeezes his hands up through the shirt and into the sleeves. First of all, you're also stretching out your shirt when you do that, which is ridiculous. And second of all,

"You're unhinged, you're a lunatic. How are you putting on your shirts that way?" This speaks to your instability, and I do not trust you whatsoever. Speaks to your instability. "How you put on your shirt" speaks to yours. I think that he's maybe Houdini-ing it, like he's always trying to figure out a problem, like, "This shirt's lazy, shirt don't do what it's supposed to do, mate." And just trying to like, "Ew!"

Crawls through the shirt like, wow, you're the man. You got through your shirt. Congratulations. He just thinks outside the box like he does with his cuisine. So he says, he's telling people, he tells Johnny, like, I got offered another job, mate. And everyone's talking like, oh, my God, Anthony's leaving. Anthony's leaving. Oh, that's crazy. That's crazy. And he goes, and then Johnny's really sad about it. He's like, this is the saddest news I've gotten today. But to be fair, it's the only news I've gotten today. So slow news day. Am I right? Okay. Bye.

So Vian's like, oh, fuck, this industry ain't for the faint holiday, mate. They're like, yeah. And so Adair calls it. She's like, Serena's going to freak. She's going to freak, y'all. And so he's now saying bye to Brianna. And then he's telling us, I feel really confident about my decision to leave. As I look back on the season, the one regret I have is taking the job in the first place. I just wish we could follow him to watch him fail miserably at his next job. Because I have no feeling he will.

I know. I actually really hope that Bravo hires him to be the head chef on another Below Deck so we can just see him fail miserably. Like, I really, really want that. And knowing his cocky ass, he probably would come back to Below Deck to be like, now everyone can see what I'd be like as a head chef. Well, you know what? If you can't put your shirt on correct, you can't put tartar on a cracker. So, you know, relax. Yeah. You put on a shirt like you sous vide an octopus. Yeah.

Yeah. Badly. Poorly. So he's like, I'm excited to be a head chef on the next boat. Cook things my way, not be pushed into a box. We saw how you cook things your way. Sous vide octopus.

So then Anthony leaves. He's gone. Bye-bye. And Captain Jason's texting, you know, Australian Norma and being like, hey there, I need a sous chef right away. Can I get some CVs? And she's like, bloop, bloop, sure, right away. Get you someone as soon as possible. She's like, I'll send you some CVs as long as you promise to wear pants. We're having a problem with HR on the kimonos, sir. All right.

So Jason's like, well, man down on deck, we need to find another sous chef very quickly. And we can't let that affect the guest experience. The show must go on. So I'm going to get the guests off, go for a dive, allow the crew to reset. Check out that Moray Eel down below who's been saying hello to the camera every single episode and get ready for round two.

And Australian Norma is named Shelly. And she's like, last minute, but we'll look and get back to you. Yeah, Shelly, we know it's last minute. I love Shelly's attitude. She's like, little last minute. Sorry, Shelly. Sorry for interrupting your viewing of Australian Matlock, but could you please get to the hiring of the CVs of the chefs and stuff?

So then the drinks are delivered to the guests while Serena is like, oh, now that Anthony's gone, I've just got so much more to do. Cleaning, cooking. I've got to do everything, don't I? Yeah, welcome back to being a chef on Below Deck where you don't have help. You did it all last season and you will do it again now. You'll do it again. I believe in you. Just kidding. But I'm excited to see whatever happens. Yeah. So Brianna's...

asking if they're going to bring her any extra help and everything. And Serena saying, you know, like, "Crew food was Anthony's role, and now I'm having to take it on. It's just, you know, 12 extra people to cook for. The potential for burnout is very high, and I don't know if I can handle it, but I'm going to die trying, or at least I'll complain trying." Yeah, and her face is giving me confidence. This is her face. She just looks terrified.

So, this is going to happen immediately. So, Brianna's like, "Well, what do you think is going to happen with Harry?" She's like, "Oh, God, I don't know, but I worry about the season without my boy. I worry about it." Because let's not forget, Harry is in the hospital about to die from a thumbnail emergency. So, he could be gone at any second. So, Brianna's like, "I mean, I was really looking forward to getting to know him. We haven't had our talk about kissing."

And Zorin is like, yeah, it's not fair. She'll say, well, I just, just let me know how I can help you through this charter. And also let me know if Carrie said anything about the kiss. Did he mean it? Was it an accident? Did he even know who I was? Did he think he was kissing an AI rendition of something or version of something? I don't know. Just please tell me. So then outside on the deck, this guy, Eric,

He's the primary. He's doing like a online coaching video call on Zoom. And he's like, "Hey guys, you can't all be talking, no action. And you'll feel that pressure. You better walk the walk. It puts a whole new type of accountability and pressure on you, okay? Because that's the way the cookie crumbles. No use crying over spilled milk, you know? You can't have your cake and eat it too. Nice work if you can get it. Am I right?" He's like, "Brahs, all right? Look.

A bird in your hand, is that really better than two birds in the bush? You know what I say? Fuck birds. Kill the fucking birds. Rip their skin off and eat them. You need the protein, all right? Who needs three birds? You do, all right? Swallow the fucking birds. What are you going to keep them the rest of your life? Waste not, want not. That's what I always say. Here's a question. If a wolf comes across a bird in the forest, what's the wolf going to do? The wolf's going to eat the fucking bird. Be the wolf. Don't be the bird, okay? Eat the bird. Then, you know, go.

Go take a shit somewhere because that's what wolves probably do afterwards. Then maybe take a nap. Wolves take naps. It's okay. If you take a nap, you're a real man. You know, part of being in the light is fast. It fast forces your progress in life. That's why wolves love light because wolves hang out in the light to fast forward their progress. It's obvious, guys. If a tree falls in the forest and there's no one to hear it, then that tree sucked and it didn't deserve to be in there in the first place. That's why I say raise all the fucking forests. All right?

We need more paper in this world and less fucking iPads. Staring at your iPad so much is what causes blindness, not masturbation. Masturbate on a full flat land with no trees. That's what I always say.

Yeah, if a tree falls in a forest, does a wolf still do intermittent fasting if it doesn't feel well? Abso-fucking-lutely. You can't stop the wolf from changing its dietary routines. Fuck you, tree. This guy is such a fucking douchebag. And not only is he just...

A regular douche bag. He's also just terrible at his job. I mean, as someone who's read a lot of self-help books now, listen, I'm not staying, I'm not saying they stuck, but I have read a lot of them and this is just so hack. He's like a self-help book reader of like, I don't know, signed from a home goods, you know? He's like live, laugh, love. That's what I always say, bro. Paris, Paris, Paris, Paris kitchen. It's like kitchen, bro. Kitchen. This is the fucking kitchen.

Yeah, this awful like manosphere that has like arisen in our pop culture is just like it's just like the worst thing of all time and now you got all these guys who are trying to be like Joe Rogan or a drug was not even trying to be like this and I mean I don't follow Joe Rogan closely, but this guy is just fully doing seminars like Tom Cruise and Magnolia, but like it's all from this kind of like Joe Rogan space of like brah and

And it's the worst thing of all time, I have to say. It's just awful. - He sucks. And he's like, "Hey guys, part of being in the light, it fast forces your progress in life."

Being in the light. Being in the light is the last thing you need. Get a hat on, okay? Your skin looks like a fucking baseball glove. You're right. It does fast-forward your progress in life. Enjoy those melanobas. And I also love people that are only successful from...

telling poorer people that they're successful. All of his success is based on just telling poor people that they're losers and they're dumb enough to pay him because he has like muscles and he's on a boat, you know, stupid poor people. Stop it, poor people. I'm never going to do this. You should say no to douchebags who are trying to tell you they can make you richer. Okay. You know what can make you richer? Jesus.

there so he's just eric rock okay so his instagram has 5 000 followers okay so that's i wouldn't you know honestly i would say that the average successful wolf that's leading a zoom conference probably should have more than 5 000 followers wait but they said on here that he had oh wait and there's also real eric rock

So he has two Instagram accounts. Maybe one's a backup. That one has 130,000 followers. There we go. Which is way more than what I have, for instance. But I feel like it's about 400,000 followers short of how many you need to be doing seminars and being like, I've found success. Because I think we all like if you're saying I found success, but you only have 130,000 followers instead of 500,000 followers.

I don't know, sir. I don't know if you found success. I think you've just, you found like a nice, nice, nice amount, but like you, you need to have 500,000 before you start talking like that. I'm sorry. Well, here's his first post. Something big is coming. It's the Coeur d'Alene summit.

And then he has pictures of like famous football players and stuff. And he's like, so excited to share the why behind this event. The depth, meaning, power and promise every speaker is bringing. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. So seats will sell out. We're redefining success. Now success is 130,000 Instagram followers. Send me your money. Yeah, his big speaker is Tim Tebow.

Like it's successful, right?

I mean, he was successful, but he was also, I think, like a little bit of a bust too. Like he came into the NFL with like a huge amount of hype and he got to the playoffs at one point, but like he was not, he was not what you would call like a legendary NFL player. Well, here's what he is. He's extremely hot because I'm watching him right now. One of these inspirational videos. He is so hot. So let me tell you what he's doing in this video. He's wearing a skin tight black shirt, which I love, you know, with a gold chain over it.

And he's yelling at a stadium full of people. And he's got a big screen behind him with starving children in Africa. And he's yelling at the audience. So if you guys don't want to be a starving child in Africa, go hear what Tim Tebow has to say, because he's going to change it. Because then there's a shot of a Porsche. And then there's Eric in a really bad toupee. So I don't know. I'm sold. Listen, listen, when a wolf, when a wolf is losing its hide.

Does it just walk around the forest without its hide? No, it finds another animal and puts the other animal's hide on its back. That's what a wolf does. So you know what? Stop shading my toupee. That's what a wolf would do. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappin's commercial.

At 24, I lost my narrative, or rather it was stolen from me. And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. I

I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours. Something you possess is lost or stolen, and ultimately you triumph in finding it again. So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks, both recognizable and unrecognizable names, about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph.

My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank up. They connected with the people that I'm talking to and leave with maybe some nuggets that help them feel a little more hopeful. Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.

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Welcome to Blood Vines. You can binge listen to Blood Vines exclusively and ad-free on Wondery+. Join Wondery in the Wondery app, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify. So let's move on here. We have plenty of time for a bit of stupid Eric. I was looking at emails because I was wondering if we got an email from him. Oh my goodness. Victoria is his friend and she seems to be disenchanted with...

I feel like Victoria was friends with Eric back in college or something. And now I was like, why is my friend a douchebag now? Because she's talking to other people and she's like, well, you know, at the end of the day, we're all here because of Eric. You get nothing but nothing. But, you know, we're all here because of Eric. And like, I feel like Eric, you know, I think I guess it's more like I knew him more on a one-on-one basis. Yeah.

And being with him in more of a group setting is different. Is he always this douchey? I don't seem to remember him being this douchey. And Brittany. Yeah, I don't like it. Thought you were done. So Brittany, who is, you know, one of the other guests and new to the world of Eric Rock, I would assume, goes, you mean like confidence wise? And she goes, um, yeah. And I guess what I'm trying to say is, how do I say cock sucking douche bag with a, um,

I don't know if it's a healthy confidence or if it's an overly cocky confidence and he's still going on and on and on. And then it just cuts back to her and she goes, "Like really judgy." Yeah. So we cut back to Eric and he's still on his laptop and he's wearing bracelets. You know, those Lance Armstrong one-nut bracelets? Mm-hmm .

He's wearing those. Except instead of saying live strong, they're like, no excuses! And then another one says, slay the dragon! I've never rooted for a dragon more in my life than I have today. I specifically am going to encourage people to come up with excuses just out of spite for this guy. All the excuses. If you have an excuse, just generate one. I will accept it right now. Just to counteract this guy's bullshit. And also, like,

What a non-creative or uncreative tagline. No excuses. You could do better than that, Eric. Come on now. And if you can't do better, then that's an excuse. Guys, you know what you need to live? You need to breathe. All right, that'll be $5,000. So he has this wisdom to impart on his very sad followers. He's like, why do men suck at communication? It's hard for me to answer that question, man, which is hilarious because...

You're charging for this. He's like, but naturally men historically in our DNA are great communicators. Oh, we have, I'm Ronnie. Did you know that we actually have a gene that makes us good communicators? That's really good, which is funny that it's hard for him to answer that question because he has a gene that makes him a good communicator. So,

I don't know. Do you know how much you can communicate to someone by slapping them in the face with your dick? All right. That's what men have. That's what men have. Do you feel like you're failing somewhere in life? Do you? Well, I can't really explain it. Listen, the only people that communicate better than men, wolves.

So then Captain Jason is like, all right, everyone, Vian, we got scuba diving with the guest. She'll be there within 20 minutes as soon as this ridiculous online seminar is over. So they're going to get me for that. Vian's like, copy that. Yes, copy that. I've got a bracelet that says that. You know, if you see someone doing something right, copy that. No excuses. Take a breath.

I want to introduce everyone on Zoom. I want to introduce you to my two new bracelets. On the left hand, it says, see something. On the right hand, it says, say something. Yeah, man. I came out with a line of underwear that says, terrorism sucks.

Hey guys, here's my advice. Don't be a terrorist. All right. And listen to my, let's cut to a video of my friend Tebow. Tebow, what do you have to say? Don't be a starving child in Africa either. Nailed it, Tebow. That's why Tebow gets paid the big bucks. You think that gold necklace around his skin tight white or black shirt paid for itself? No.

So then, Zarina's like, "Deck Crew, Deck Crew, can I have some help with the plates, please?" You know, in retrospect, Zarina should not have gone running to Jason. She should have said, "Oh,

So you're going to quit. Great. Clean all my dishes. Like she should have made his life torture for the rest of the charter. And anytime he piped up, she would say, not my problem. Not my, not my circus, not my clowns, not my elephants, not my trapeze do the dishes. Yeah, exactly. I think she should have done the same thing. I think just getting rid of him was a bad idea. And I don't know that it was necessarily her idea. I mean, that was Jason who did it.

But I think she was looking more for like a friend to bitch with. And here's another thing I'll say while I'm saying that. I think that the reason that Aisha needs to be on this show and not the other one is that she makes Captain Jason more fun. Like she brings kind of a lighthearted, she brings out his lighthearted nature where I think Serena brings out his scolding nature because she needs a little bit more. I think.

I think that he's more fun when Aisha's here. There, I said it. I like his scolding nature. I like it when he scolds. I mean, I definitely loved that he basically kicked Anthony off the boat right then and there mid-charter. That was like great and wonderful. But I also worry that Anthony didn't really realize that he had fucked up.

You know, I think Anthony was like, great, I can get off this boat. It's like, no, you should be ashamed of yourself. Look at all these people you're letting down. You should be mortified. And so, like, I feel like it would have actually been in retrospect more effective to torture Anthony by making him do tons and tons of dishes for the next 36 hours. Yeah. And speaking of men communicating, I would have rather a high.

I'm your captain. And guess who you are? Nothing. All right? You're a fucking underling. You're a sous chef. You work for Serena. Don't even look her in the eye. You're going to do your fucking dishes and you're going to do the crew food. I don't want to hear anything from you. And that's it. The fucking end. Now go downstairs and do your fucking job. I don't like letting him off the hook by just like, okay, you know, we're taking away two charters. I mean, I get the reasoning behind it. You know, I'm not a captain for a very good reason. You want to talk about crashing into fucking docks. But

I would rather see this man get yelled at. - Yeah, me too. So, and miserable. I want to see him miserable. So now Captain Jason is texting Harry. He's like, "All right, Harry, I'm about to go diving. Hope you're okay. I'll say hi to the eel for you." And then in the kitchen, Johnny walks in and helps out with the dishes and stuff.

And the women are cleaning up in the various rooms. And Lara is telling Marina to get into her wets. Because Marina's going to go diving. Because as some people may remember, Vian invited Marina to go on this dive without consulting Lara first. Which Marina somehow took as hitting on her.

Yeah, Marina really was like, yeah, she saw a lot in this. Marina is now in love because someone let her go snorkeling. I mean, the woman doesn't ask for much, okay? And it comes from a long line of below-deck women not really asking for much. I need you to ask for more, okay? Below-deck.

So Lara's telling us, yeah, you know, Vian didn't ask me permission to take her. And that's absolute bullshit. I can't wait to say nothing about this. So we see flashbacks of that. And then Lara's like, now my hands are tied. If I take that away from her, I'm the bad guy. Thanks, Vian. Don't be the bad guy. Come on. Yeah, I wouldn't hire you to be a good guy. I've hired you to make people iron beds.

That's it. Yeah. So, Brianna is like, did anyone hear from Harry? Did he talk about kissing me? How does he feel about it? And Vianne's like, not yet. I thought he would message you. She's like, oh, God. Oh, what did she say? I thought he would message you. Why was that funny? Because he doesn't have thumbs? I forget. At the moment when I saw it, I got it. But now I don't remember why, like...

why and then i i guess the moment i guess that's because her i guess he's implying that like harry likes brianna so he would text brianna i don't know but either way i mean eric goes ha ha ha that took me a second i think it's probably his ongoing motif i'm gonna say the same thing i said on the mud racking boat it took me a second

I'm going to say the same thing as I said when that couple tried to abduct me. Wait. Oh, I see. That took me a second. I'm abducted. All right, Nino, Nino, I've got to go diving. All right, you're in charge of the boat. You're in charge of the boat. And Nino's like, oh, hi, I'm the first officer. Also a terrible storm. And a pizza chef. And one letter away from Teresa's grandpa.

So, Brianna is texting Harry. She's like, I hope you get good news today. I hope I get good news too. Did you enjoy the camp?

And the guests are gathering and some people who I guess did not go on the excursion want some champagne, etc. Or want some shots. And Lara's like, would you like some champagne as well? And they're like, fuck yeah, I do. I'm like, okay, all right. They're really excited. Eric is off the boat. Yeah.

So then Adair and Vian are wiping down the deck and he hands her a towel and she goes, "What is this?" And he's like, "It's dirty." She goes, "Okay, I'll wipe my butt with it now." So now Lara's talking to Zarina about dinner and everything and Zarina's like, "I mean, I just have a lot of fucking shit to do now. It's like, I'm just a bit behind with Survivor." And Lara's like, "We'll make it work."

And meanwhile, off on the scuba boat, they're all scuba diving. And Marina's saying like, what an amazing feeling. Like when I was young, my dad took me to go on scuba diving trip and it was like an amazing experience and it changed my whole life. And I just felt like I was in space, but underwater and with fish and nothing compares to it except for space, I guess. But I'm just so thankful to Vian for giving me this opportunity.

Yeah, she's putting too much into this. She loves it. She loves it. She's having the best time. I went scuba diving with my father, so it means something. So Harry's back, he's on the radio, he's like, "Crew, crew, I'm back, baby! Did you miss me? Yeah!" And he's like, "Guess what? It's not fractured! The doctor says just don't use the sand for the next few days!" And, "Guess I'm gonna have to do everything one-handed, eh?"

I feel like I'm pushed to the bench but I got a text message from someone who said "I hope you get good news today" and I said "Good news from the x-ray and less pain today, thanks for checking in, x!" A little x in there just to make my intentions clear. Although now that I see it, it looks like I'm just referring back to the x-ray and I wonder if she's saying maybe she thinks I just either kissed a manta ray or I'm being flirty with her. I'm not sure, maybe that text didn't land properly.

I mean, I wouldn't sign things X to somebody I like. They're just going to leave you for another platform. So Harry is checking in with Johnny and he's updating him about the douchebag, the other douchebag, the skinny little douchebag leaving, the sous chef. And now Adair is vacuuming. And let's see. Harry goes into check with Serena. And it's like, I was so worried about you. It's like, don't worry. Everything's fine, X. Yeah.

What's that mean? Eggs. Not following. Eggs. Eggs? You want eggs? Is that what you're saying? Harry, I'm afraid you have to speak more plain English for me. So then Vian checks with him and Harry's like, oh, it's not broken. She doesn't want me to use this hand though. This can't get wet. So I can do anything that only requires one hand. And he's like, great. Welcome back. Wow.

okay so beyond's like well i'm quite relieved but he can't he can't do diving excursions he cannot do water sports and and this is what this charter vest is all about so we're in a very tough position that we're going to have to make it work i mean why doesn't harry just do the stuff that marina can't do right now since marina's off with the with the eels and the fish i think that's what they're moving him into because when he talks to the captain the captain's like i have fun making beds or whatever so then um

And Lara is like, well, you can make beds with one hand. And he's like, oh, I think today I'll rest. No, I think you've already been at the hospital. That's a rest. Get to work. So now the guests are done. If you got time to have a broken thumb, you got time to get stuff done. If you got time to throb, you got time to polish this knob.

Wait, I've just been reported to HR. Okay, that's not good. If you got time to be in pain, you got time to clean this window pane. Technically, two different words. The rhyme counts. So the swimmers or the scuba people are done scuba diving. They're getting back on their boat. They had a great time. And then Brianna's talking to...

to Laura and she's like, do you think that Harry meant to kiss me? I'm so confused by it. I mean, he sent me an X, but then I was like, did he mean to say more? Was he going to talk about the X-Files? I didn't really like that show. And Laura's like, well, of course he did. He's obsessed with you. It's like, really? Huh? Sure. I could solve my own problem and talk to Harry about the kiss, but Harry kissed me. He can say something to me about it.

Why do you have to talk about it? I've gotten full-on blow jobs that I haven't talked about after. What's there to talk about? He kissed you. The kissing was the talk. Seriously, do we have to have a full-on discussion about everything? Yeah, he kissed you. What's the discussion? I just don't understand. So, Laura's like, "Well, I need to step in at some point, I think. I need these baby giraffes. If Eon doesn't send them scuba diving, that is."

So now Harry goes to bed and the guests are coming back and Captain still hasn't heard from Harry. So he's like, what the hell? And he finds out he's in the cabin. Meanwhile, Captain Jason is invited by Randy to come to dinner tonight. John, John, John Serena's first dinner solo.

Yeah. So, um, Laura, they're going to, tonight's going to be casino night. So Laura was saying, because it's casino night, she wants all the boys to wear bow ties and feel like, you know, she's like, I feel like it needs to be black ties, like, like Monte Carlo. Um,

Which is funny because they're all come out like shirtless, I think. Right. Aren't they like shirtless and black tie? Which is kind of funny for this group, this group of like super heterosexual men. So Carlo is do they do that there? I mean, I don't know. I feel like that's Chippendales does it.

Chip and Dale's, were they shirtless? In my mind, they were shirtless. Maybe they weren't shirtless at all. Maybe I just saw the bow tie and I just saw torsos in my mind. Were they shirtless? No, they were shirtless. Yeah, the boys here, they were shirtless. Yeah, because when Perry came out, I was like, wow, a string bean and a bow tie. Feels like Monte Carlo. Yeah.

Eric is like, these guys all have good bodies, but they didn't take my seminar. How is this possible? So Eric's like, wait a minute. You all work out every day. So who told you no excuses?

So Laura's asking Zarina what the menu is for tonight, for casino night, no less. And Zarina's like, so it'll be a mini French onion soup with truffle grilled cheese and then steak. It's, you know, very knife and fork. It's like, all right, knife and fork.

But there's a soup in there, Zarina. This seems to be a low-key ongoing issue. Zarina is very reluctant to pull the trigger on spoons. She's like, well, it's a soup, but I did put a sandwich in there, so let's just go fork and knife only, fork and knife only. I'm sorry, we can't do the spoons. It's too early, too early in the season to start putting out the spoons. Have you ever seen someone this obsessed with soup?

I've never seen someone serve more soup on this show. I mean, soup's fine. I'm not dissing soup as a old one. But...

Why? Why so many? She'll serve two or three in one meal. She loves the soup. Do you think she has digestion problems? I think she has digestion problems. She loves making soup. She loves it. She does love it. I think, though, this entire season has been people just sweating and little things on the side of the screen that says it's 145% humidity and 3,000 degrees out. So naturally, French onion soup. What a perfect time to serve it. With a sandwich right in the middle of it.

heavy cheesy sandwich right in the middle of it who doesn't love that yeah and so finally she's like oh my god i've got so many grilled cheeses to make did i up by getting rid of my sous chef yeah but also grilled cheese is like the easiest thing you could be making right now so and i really like serena i know i feel like i'm being really hard on serena but i really like her i just don't know what she's up to right now it's hard to figure out

Yeah, she's really losing the thread. So she's like, I'm running out of time. And she's like, fuck me. This is already such a big add on to the anxiety and that I already have going on right now. Did I totally fuck up by losing my sous chef mid charter? You did because you could have tortured him instead. It was a big mistake.

Yeah. Can you hear my chair, by the way? I have a question. Do you hear my chair? My chair makes so much noise. This is a new newer chair. I bought it like two months ago and it's very creaky. Does, do you hear it on the podcast? No, I don't. You don't hear any of this? Well, I do when you're quiet and you do it. Like all this. Yeah. Yeah. I hear that. Yeah. I hear that. I don't know how to fix it. My dad has ideas.

Like if anyone has ideas to make a chair less creaky, please let me know. I thought losing weight would help, but it didn't. My chair is still creak and then you're thin and your chair is still creak. So I guess it's one thing like you think losing weight is going to like help in so many ways that it just doesn't.

I was like, I'm going to be married and be happy. And I'm going to have so much money and like, I'm going to smile so much. It didn't work. None of that worked. Okay. But I can't fit in a plane seat better. So that's good. That's good. That's good. So, um, uh, honestly, Ronnie, I'd rather, no excuses, bro. No excuses. No excuses. So, yeah.

So, Captain, Shelly texts with a whole bunch of CVs. She's like, here you go. Here's a bunch of CVs. Now get out of my face, you kimono sexy man. Kimono dragon. I'll take that kimono and I'll gag you in the mouth with it and do all sorts of things with your body. Be careful. Wow. Hi, this is Shelly. I've got some CVs for you. Also, I've got a meeting request for time to watch you try on kimonos. What?

Here's some CVs as in you can see my V if you catch my drift. Imagine this. You help your little brother land a great job abroad. But when he arrives, the job doesn't exist.

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So Harry finally comes in to talk to the captain. He's like, guess what? It's not fractured. The doctor just said don't do anything on a boat. And he's like, great. Well, let's find some things you can do, maybe in the galley, making beds, you know, things that will make me not fire you. He's like, right. Got it. Got it.

You know, maybe one thing you can do is, I don't know, talk with Brianna about that kiss. She seems to be bothering everyone about it. She seems to be pestering the guests. So could you just sort of tie that one off? Thank you. So now we get one of my favorite things in Below Deck where it's like the truth behind the artist. So Lara is doing a Monte Carlo night and she's like, "It's Monte Carlo. It's black-tie themed dinner."

My creativity definitely comes from my mum. She's very good at art, art school, drama, that kind of area. I just loved all of that stuff, which has led me to rolling napkins.

with coins around napkin rings. I mean, I'm basically the Picasso of my neighborhood these days. Mum is so proud. I know. That feeling of when you put on the perfect theme, that feeling of just knowing that you've done it. It's a very close second to sex. That's why I always orgasm whenever I put up a black balloon on casino night. Oh, yes. Unwrapping. Just imagine this. You're unwrapping something flat.

And then you grab both ends of it and pull them towards you. Just pull it. And it unfolds into a giant 3D strawberry. Now that. It's just like sex. Like have you ever. They show her, they show, she's like, what I do is art. And then they start showing pictures and it's like those paper decorations hanging from ceiling. Yes. Wow. You really big lotsed it out. Congratulations.

let me tell you something nothing gets me wetter than putting up streamers um also like we have a real decline in our below deck trauma backstories because like a few weeks ago as marina saying my grandmother paid for everything she had to do everything she worked she worked her entire life so that way all 15 of her her children could have a life to live and then this today it's like

My mother loves art, so I love art. Well, and also Marina, she's like, I love scuba diving because my dad took me. I'm like, hello? None of you are fucked up enough to be on this show. I know. Can we please, like, we need to, like, go back to the heydays of the last season of Below Deck Down Under when you had Adam, who was like...

"My mom, I just want to buy a house for my mother!" And you're like, "Okay, relax." He's like, "Oh gosh, I raised all my brothers. I raised them all. I was like a father to my brothers." It's like, we need some melodrama, you know? I need children who have been left behind. We don't even have a guy with bad tattoos this season, do we? I think everybody is like tattoo-free and...

kind of like, it's weird. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if Disneyland started casting this, but you guys, I need some trauma. I need some drug addiction. I need some abandoned children. I need some dead parents stat. Come on. Also, did you know that? I think, um,

Oh, no. For a moment, I thought that Gail and Nathan got married from Below Deck down on, I mean, Met, but maybe they're just, they're still just dating hot and heavy. Someone made it, someone online made it seem like they got married, but they're not married at all. Someone just had a baby in the Below Deck world, too. Who did? I don't know. I scrubbed their names out of my memory. Below Deck. They're out of my DVR once the season's over. There's too much Below Deck. But somebody did. I was like, wow. Someone did.

Someone must have had a baby somewhere along the way or whatever. But you know what? The point is bad tattoos. We don't have a lot of them this season. The other point is more trauma. Gail had a really good one. Gail's was she was always trying to impress her dad and that's why one day she dropped an anchor on her foot. So, you know, right? I forgot Gail. I don't remember her.

she was like super super hot and but she was like she was dated it doesn't you know honestly i don't even care people will look just when you google her it's g-a-e-l ben do me a favor no excuses slay the dragon bro slay that dragon oh yeah your mom loved art slay that art dragon bro stay the mom dragon so serena is radioing for people to wash

Her kitchen. And then Harry is going into the kitchen. There's a big mess. And he's like, oh, my God, fucking hell, this is messy. Anthony wasn't lying about this. Excuse me. You started some of this drama, sir. Yeah. Last week. So don't you complain. Enjoy the weeds that you sowed.

Yeah, so then Zarina is getting her grilled cheeses ready and she's like, "Casino Royale to me is elegant, it's refined, it's grilled cheeses submerged in soup. Soup that'll make you have stinky farts for the next 18 hours. So it's drinking champagne in the French Riviera, it's

eating heavy, heavy hot soup with oodles of melted cheese in it and bread and onions, more onions than you can ever imagine. That's sophistication. That's the French Riviera. I'm not just serving grilled cheese. I'm serving grilled cheese without crust. Elegant. Monaco.

So at the table, they're like, oh my god, it's so hot. Why is it so hot out here? And Jason comes to the table and the French onion soup is served with the toasties in the middle. And everybody just stares at it. And Laura's like, oh god, onion soup is not pretty. Let's be honest. I mean, some chefs get defensive about their food and Serena's insane. So I'm not really sure what to do, but I can't wait to say nothing about this.

Yeah. And on top of that, these guests have been, they are not touching carbs. I mean, Eric, he was like, I'll have a latte, but not as long as it's not more than 30 calories. So like, this is their worst nightmare. So of course they are staring and they're like, don't know what to do with it. And it's also hot as fuck. No one wants to eat this. One of the guys is like, is that a cheese sandwich and soup? Yeah.

And she's like, "It is. It's a French onion soup with truffle Parmesan toasties." And he's like, "Oh God, I can feel the sweat going down my spine." And another one's like, "Yeah, it's pretty heavy." And the main guy is like, "This shit's so heavy, I would never even let it in one of my seminars." Hey, could someone give this soup a bracelet that says, "Lose some fucking weight!" Slay the dragon. Slay the onion.

And so then Lara is assigning people to go clean up cabins and stuff. And then Vian is, he's shirtless with a bow tie on and he's bringing Zarina some sort of can and they like open it together and they giggle. And, you know, he's like hot and she's like, he's being flirty, you know, because he's checking out like, you know, as long as I didn't get Brianna, who's my next, who's my next option. So Zarina is like, you know, she gets excited.

She gets really, uh... She gets really, I guess you could say, motivated. She gets horny. She's horny. When guys come into her galley, she gets horned up. We saw this all last season when Clover kept going into her galley to eat snacks. And she was like, "Oh, I got this muscly man coming in to eat celery sticks. It's just a little bit hot. The flotation's a bit hot." And it's like,

I just want their food. I get it. She's stuck in a galley all day. She doesn't get to like commingle with everybody like everybody else. I mean, it's like me. I don't do any commingling and I have a task rabbit coming today and I shaved my nuts.

Is it sad? Yes. Is it logical? It's completely not. I'm not going to do anything with the TaskRabbit, but I found a hot TaskRabbit. At least his picture says he's hot and you know what? That's it. I took a shower. Just in case. I deodorized. I'm wearing completely clean clothes, clean underwear. I mean, that's crazy over here. So he's going to show up. I'm going to have a tie on. I'm going to be like, hello. Come in, please. Would you like to sit down? Need any dinner?

Well, you never know what will always be prepared, you know? So Vianne's like, oh, you've really outdone yourself. And she's like, well, I don't think so, honey, but that's very sweet of you to say. So we should probably get married soon. He's like, could have snacks. Yes. So meanwhile, she's going to be serving up filet mignon, carrot puree, red wine jus and a Parmesan crisp.

And so now dinner is served and douchebags over there like, yeah, millennials, like we had to work hard. What the fuck are you talking about? People have been complaining about millennials for three decades, sir. I know.

Where'd this come from? You don't get to steal like the Gen X, like this is like Gen X is having the we worked hard moment. I mean, listen, you don't get to say that we worked hard until you're at like at least 50, which is why all the Gen Xers are doing this now. But as a millennial, like no. Gen Xers are ridiculous too. And we fucking know it because we had whole movies made about how lazy we are. Well, I'm a Gen Xer. You're a millennial, right? Yes.

but um like had the whole movies like reality bites about how lazy we are and slacker yeah and now we're like we had to do everything ourselves if we're full of and so we're millennials i think it's just nature where young people are like old people suck and they smell and old people are like these kids we had to work hard in our day it's all a lie humanity is known for being

fairly lazy and good for nothings until we're too old to actually do anything. And then we complain that we worked harder than anybody else. This is just an example of someone trying to put some space between him and Gen Z, right? Because Gen Z is currently, they're the punching bag for a laziest. So he's like, "God, it's millennials. We had to work hard." You know, like the kids that are growing up now, they're weak. Those are weak kids. Yeah.

So then someone goes, yeah, yeah. Cause you know what? You're in an alpha list, just a testosterone list society of weak men, except for these boys. Oh God. Douchebags.

So then, you know, they're complimenting each other. They're like, yeah, you guys look good at least. At least the staff looks good. So then someone's like, looks like that steak has an au jus on it. She goes, yeah, it's carrot puree and Parmesan crisp. It's like, you've ruined our only protein with sugar and Parmesan.

Did you put some au jus on this? I love putting... You put au jus on this. I don't know why that's so fun to me. Just some au jus. I think that the O is like, the AU part is like a... Au jus? It's like it's served au jus, but like it's jus that's on it, not au jus. Did you put some au jus? It's like saying, did you put some... Did you put some on top sauce? Yeah.

And one of the, one of the guys, yeah, I call it on top sauce. Cause that's what I am on top. But one of the guys is like, yeah, this fucking generation, all they're obsessed with is fame. Can you imagine living a life where all you care about is money and celebrity? And one of the friends goes, yeah, that's just fucking disgusting. Okay. People who just paid to be on a boat so you could increase your celebrity. You are so you're such a fucking hypocrite. No, no, it's more than that. Well, he says,

It's more than just that he paid to be on a boat. He has a videographer who is hired to trail him at any single thing he does. Like, get my calves, bro. Get my calves coming up the stairs. Get my calves. And he's saying like, yeah, man, the pursuit of money and fame is the two lowest vibrating forms of energy. No wolf wants that. A wolf already is famous in his own heart. Such low vibrations, bro.

So Captain Jason is not impressed with these people or this dinner. He's like, you know, 10 out of 10 is flavor presentation, you know, gold kimono.

But this was about a 7 out of 10. I mean, we hit some points. You know, the guests seem happy. They also seem completely ridiculous. But they're happy. And I know it's a tough time for Serena, but the food has still got to be 100%. You know, I need Serena's food to be as good as she is crazy. Yeah. So everyone takes a good photo, and then everyone's going to wake up at, like, 5.45 a.m.,

And so Zarina's asking, like, if the guests were happy and Captain Jason's like, "Well, you know, they're all very fitness oriented, so they're not eating a lot of carbs and the soup was just like big, just a big bowl of bread with soup in it, you know, it's just like a lot. So read the room, read the preference sheets. If a douchebag comes on, just see what a douchebag would want to eat and think about that, okay?"

Yeah, it was bad. Yeah, I mean, it's like, yeah, and the filet mignon should have been seared. And she's like, I tried to sear it. And he goes, you couldn't get it hot enough? She goes, no, I mean, it gets hot. It's just I didn't want to burn it. You know, he's like, okay, well, we're gonna have to fight through these hiccups. I think it's very natural that a five star chef doesn't know how to sear a filet mignon. So that's something I can work with, thankfully.

Yeah. See, the other thing, when you get rid of Anthony's arena, now all of your flaws are on display. And the fact that you said you were afraid of burning the steak, that's really bad if you're a professional chef, if you don't understand how to sear versus burn. Oh my God, it's just rough because, you know, I mean, first I had Anthony in here questioning my food and now I've got him in here questioning my food and oh. Well, then make less questionable food. And I'm not saying that that's okay for Anthony. You should have just told Anthony to shut up.

but yeah exactly so now um it's 10 10 23 p.m and brianna and harry are in a break room and he's like do you need a hand she goes literally one hand ha ha ha ha he's like oh yeah i'll get that all right sorry for tomorrow night last time was fun i enjoyed it she's like yeah at a great time yeah i liked it i'm not sure if you did as well she goes yeah you did oh i did are we talking about the kiss because i've been wondering

Are we gonna talk about the kiss at some point? I like the kiss. Are we talking about the kiss, right? Yeah, the kiss, yeah. It was great. Would you like to do something on a turnover date? Like maybe go on a date, something like that, you know? And she's basically, they flirt and he kisses her again. Yeah, she's like, oh my God, thank God. I thought he was ghosting me. Oh God, thanks for your offer of one hand. So then- They're actually kind of perfect together.

They are. And Brianna tells Lara and Lara's like, get over here, my little baby giraffes. God, I'm going to really, really try to push that baby giraffe angle for a little while here, see if it catches on. I feel like they're really perfect together, but I also feel like if they were like pioneer people in Lonesome Dove, they'd be the first people killed.

Probably. Maybe like robbed and killed. Because they're big. Because they're always like goofily smiling. It's like when I went to that liquor store down the street from my place in LA that I lived for years. I went in, there was always this Russian guy who worked there. And one day he's like, listen, I like you, but please let me give you advice. This thing you do. I said, what? He goes, what's your mouth? I was like, smile. He goes, yes. Stop that.

And I said, why? I'm just being friendly. And he's like, don't do it. Where I come from, it makes you stupid. I said, what do you mean to me? Like, stupid. Like, I don't study because I smile. He's like, no, you know, special stupid. I'm like, oh, okay. I'm an asshole. But it's always kind of stuck. I still do it. You know, I still walk in everywhere like, hi, how are you? But I've always thought about it. And I think about it when I see these two together. They're like, oh!

And I'm like, I'm going to rob them. Even I would rob them. I would push them down to the street and rob them. Well, you know why? You know why you do that?

Because we live in a society of weak, testosterone-less men. Where are the alphas? Where have all the alphas gone? He'll find out where all the alphas are when he winds up eventually being convicted of fraud and sent to jail. And then he'll really be dealing with some alphas up his bum hole. Not the bum hole, but the jail thing.

we all know we all know that's his trajectory in life that this is a fraud happening here right this guy's going to jail he'll be in jail soon you just wait you just wait and watch then he can really talk about slaying dragons so he probably listens to Imagine Dragons he probably oh you know that probably so many of his videos have like Imagine Dragons playing in the background you know all those Imagine Dragons songs they bang a big drum and they're like oh

So anyway, they probably have special. They've probably got special security at their concerts. Somebody's threatening to slay us again. The Alpha's here. Didn't they know there's no dragon here? We just told them to imagine them.

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The Bay Area Betches.

Betches. And our super premium sponsors. She's VVIP, it's Amanda V. Somebody get us 10 cc's of Betsy MD. She's got a leg up, it's Beth Ani. We're taking the gold with Brenda Silva. Let's get real with Caitlin O'Neil. Don't get salty with Christine Pepper. Can't have a meal without the Emily sides. Who, what, why, where, and Gwen Pentland. It's our queen, it's Queen La Ifa.

Nobody holds a candle to Jamie Kendall. Know Your Worth with Jason Kerr. We got our wish, it's Jen Plish. She's not harsh, she's Jill Hirsch. She's a little bit loony. Junie. My favorite Murdo, Karen McMurdo. We love him madly, it's Kyle Pod Shadley. We're ride or die for Lisa Ryder Barron.

She's a whiz, it's Liz Sarthy. Always killing it, it's Lola Alcalani. The incredible, edible Matthew Sisters. She eases our woes, it's Melissa St. Rose. Give him hell, Miss Noelle. She's the queen bee, it's Sarah Lemke. Shannon, out of a can in Anthony. Let's take off with Tamla Plain. She ain't no shrinking Violet Couture. We love you guys.

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