#2744 Summer House S09E03: UnDiplo-matic Relations
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Hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast for all the crap we love to talk about. Unyield, bruvs. I'm Ronnie. Over there is the handsome and talented Mr. Ben Mandelker. Hello, Ben. Hi, how are you? Good. And I'm Ronnie.

Everybody, welcome to the show today. It's Summer House Day. We are on tour also, the Mounting Hysteria Tour, all across America and kind of the world. We're going to this next month, March, here, okay, March. We're going to be in Cincinnati, Minneapolis, Toronto, Charlotte, Atlanta, Washington, Philly, and...

Then after that, we're in Boston, Detroit, Chicago, Austin, Dallas, and Vegas. We're going to add another couple of cities to this. If you want ticket links to the shows and the calendar and all that, you're going to find that at WatchWhatCrapHands.com. That's also where you'll find a Patreon link to our Patreon, which is where we do video recaps like this one. Hi. And it's also where you will find our traders recaps and other fun stuff.

A lot of good premium content over there. If you don't want to pay for videos, you can get them for free a week later over on our YouTube. Just go find us on YouTube. We love it over there. So how do you feel? How are you feeling today, Ben?

I'm feeling great. It's Thursday, which means that when we're done with this podcast, I'm going to go get a bagel. And I'm really, really, really excited about it. And I'm going to try a new bagel place. So I'm excited about that. And, you know, Summer House. I mean, you know, here we are. Summer House is so... You know, I love this show. I will always love this show. These...

this this girl lexi she is trying me and i don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing because i am rolling my eyes so hard with this girl and then at the same time i think but isn't that what we tune in for don't we come to these shows to have idiots make us just cringe and scowl so i don't know i i i think i'm landing on um i'm feeling great how about you

Well, as far as Lexi goes, you know, she's kind of a ding-dong, but I love a ding-dong. And I've had this girl as my friend multiple times in my life, and will always have this kind of archetype of a girl as my friend. I just think they're so fun. Just someone who's like, "I'm just gonna jump in, no matter what. Who cares if it hurts me?" You know, they're the ones I pick up from jail usually at some point in their lives because they've gone crazy and put a brick through someone's windshield.

I mean, if she's a dodo bird, I like her. The guys that are making me crazy are the two guys. For me, it's Wes and Jesse. Jesse especially is just... I already knew Wes was such a douchebag, and we got little hints of douchebag from Jesse, but Jesse's just so grody to me. He's just the worst, and he's the worst qualities in a man. That like, charm your pants off, literally, and then be like...

But wait, I think we're moving a little fast. Get your dick out of me then. How about that? How about get your dick? I don't understand when it became so crazy to expect that if you're fucking someone, they're not fucking half the town, you know? And I'm saying that as a gay person, our natural state, a lot of us is fucking half the town. But like, if you're, if you're hooking up with someone, I don't think it's so crazy to be like, I don't want to be hooking up with you. Plus all of the other Petri dishes that you've been stuck in.

sticking your penis in, sir. You know, I don't think that that's equal to asking for marriage. So that's where I am. I'm starting with some man rage, some male rage.

Yeah, I think we said last season that Jesse really was benefiting from the fact that all of his hookups happened with people who are outside the house and sort of like after hours. And we predicted that, you know, as soon as he starts going after someone that's in the house, he's going to have his douchebag season. And I think he's on his way. He's laying the foundation. He's doing the good boys thing. He's being cute and sweet and flirty. But we definitely can see that the bottom is going to fall out of this situation very soon.

Yeah. So we start with this 4th of July party and Bailey is blowing up a balloon with confetti inside of it and then accidentally breathe some of it in. I mean, who does that? Who breathes back in balloon air? You shouldn't do that when there's not confetti in there. Stop breathing in balloon air. And then she's like, oh, my God, I wasn't ready for that. And I was like, well, you would be if you'd ever hooked up with a guy in this house because, you know, that's how they are. You know, they don't even have any kind of warning. You're lucky you left confetti.

confetti splooge. They, yeah, this maybe explains why we don't see her really anymore for the rest of the season, we predict, because maybe she inhaled too much confetti and Bravo's like, just a liability, legal liability, just scrap her, scrap her. She got confetti lung and had to like be...

Yeah, it's the second leading cause of death in Appalachia. So then we go to West in his room and he's like hanging out with Jesse and he's knocking on the bathroom door. Just like I'm pooping. And he's like, oh, really? He's like, well, we talked. He's like, no way, dude. Whatever. There's this pooping. It's just pooping in the room. And, you know, West wants a gold medal for going into someone's room and going, are you mad at me? Oh.

He's like, good job, bro. He's like, well, she wasn't that mean. I mean, I think because we're like, cool. Well, I mean, not really cool, but she didn't abuse me again. It's a porn, porn. Put a shirt on, sir. Okay. Put a shirt. I actually feel sorry for Wes because the Internet's been so mean about his nipples. My God. Are we nipple shaming? What the hell? I didn't even notice his nipples. We are.

I didn't until someone sent us a hideous vote, like drawing of an exaggerated. Yeah, that's I didn't need to see that. I didn't need to see that.

It was just like big cartoon nipples. It was too much. It was too visceral. A lot of those drawings are really intense for me. I'm not going to lie. When I see them, I'm like, they remind me of what was that puppet show from the 80s? I don't know. Puppets always scared me.

Yeah, this is like the drawing form of it. It's like too much for me. You know that puppet from like Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood or whatever, where it's like the wooden, I guess they've got wooden faces. Yeah, they're like wooden. Yeah, like the old, oh, they're just so creepy. Show more emotion, puppet. Show more emotion. Don't be so wooden.

Yeah. Um, well there was that puppet show from the eighties. I was like political and they always had like a puppet of like Ronald Reagan and like Margaret Thatcher and stuff. And they did like that, the music video, you know what? I'm going down, I'm going down a hole here and I'm going to, I'm going to pull myself out of it. The point is Wes's nipples are,

There are a lot, especially in drawn form. I'm actually kind of thankful because, you know, I've got a lot of body issues and stuff like that, and I don't need to go into that. But I will say on a positive note, I've never been prouder of my nipples. I've got just little tiny baby hard nipples. They're not like little baby crazy big ones. I feel like if anybody was going to draw me in a horrific way, it would be a lot of other things, but my nipples would be safe.

So I felt good. It was like a really good episode for nipple positivity for me. I honestly really did not pay attention to his nipples. Were people saying that they were big or long? Were they like the areolas big? Yeah, they're just nipple shaming him. I mean, I don't know. I don't need to get into all the details. They all said different things. Like hamster? Hamster-esque. Like hamster mom nipples. I can see that.

i don't know but it was disturbing because i'd never thought to be insecure about my nipples i mean with everything else i've got going on i just never even thought about that so i had like a long hard lip look at my nipples in that in the mirror and i was like not so bad i've got nipple pride so that was good for you good for you it's been a good well sierra then goes and tells amanda that she had a conversation with west and um she's like do you feel better than yesterday do you feel good to get it off your chest and she's like

yeah, I just feel like I can't fucking wait to meet the person I'm supposed to be with. So I can literally go and hide away on a farm. And Amanda's like, wow, maybe you've already met him at some point in your life. So I was like, okay, whatever. But then fast forward to later in the episode, there's like a moment with Sierra and Carl and Carl's like, I just got a compliment from Sierra. I'm like, please don't sow the seeds that Carl has been like,

Sierra's Mr. Right all this time. I am just not going to co-sign this. I'm going to nip this in the bud. I am not shipping Sierra and Carl. Yeah, they better not be. I mean, I would hope that Sierra's smarter than that, but I have watched her with Austin, Wes, and who was the other one? Luke, I guess. Well, I don't know. Do we even count Luke? Yeah, because Luke was pre-show.

That was either way. We've seen her. She, she does gravitate towards fuck boys. And Carl, despite his like, I'll hold just like awkward. He is still a fuck boy through and through. And it is very, it's very scary. Yeah. It's still a fuck boy. It's just harder for him to, you know, get it up. I would, of course it's harder for me to get hard because I really pay attention to things that are soft. My branding is all soft now. So our lovemaking is actually a little bit different. Hmm.

I don't want to go off brand. So Sierra's like, yeah, I just need to talk to my psychic. No, no more psychics on this show. Last time you had a psychic, they said that Lindsay fucked Luke. Remember that was that page. It's like, oh my God, let's tell Hannah. Let's tell everybody about the psychic.

How about instead of consulting your psychic, why don't you consult your factict? And let's look at your facts, which is don't find love on this show and you'll be much better off. There you go. That's the facts. Yeah. Get some taste. How about that? So then we go to Carl and Jesse hanging tinsel and Paige is like, oh my God, you can't even figure out how to wrap it around the pole. Oh my God, stupid man. And Jesse's like, we know how to work a pole to sorbo. Yeah.

So then they're setting up more things and I'm so mad at his teeth. Why is it his teeth? It's like every time I see them, I'm like, put your fucking teeth away. He's just so tooth forward. He's like, oh yeah, we're not working tensile. Put your fucking teeth away. It's like a bunch of medieval knights going to battle with those shields. So,

So Amanda is giving Wes direction on how to hang something else and she can't quite get it right. And Paige is like, I love men and their little pea brains. Guys, I think whoever loses, we do the dung tank tomorrow morning. Like, yeah. And

And so that's what they're going to do. And so then. Carl doesn't really have a lot going on. So basically they're using Carl to do like the Captain Obvious post, you know, where the people who just kind of describe what's going on in the house. So he's like, what we're doing is we're like having a contest about whether the girls can make better decorations or the guys soft. Glad Carl's back. I'll know what's going on for the boys. So everyone's getting ready and now everyone's arriving.

And Lexi does a shot. And she's like, oh, my God, my nipples just went so hard. And then people are partying. And there's just like a lot of it's like a lot of chaos. It's like a standard summer house scene where there's like and everyone's like dancing and crazy. And Carl's wearing a wiener costume because he's just kind of like wild and crazy. Now he's liberated because Lindsay isn't there. Yeah.

And it's boys versus girls. So the boys want to win this party by dressing like hot dogs and ketchup and mustard. Okay. Because the boys are like, the boys are led by Kyle and Kyle's like, you know what people want? Costumes. That's what they want. People want to see Amazon costumes in real life. And then the girls actually rented stuff. Cause you know, Paige is more about just getting caterers to do shit. So she's like, we have a snow cone machine, beer pong and no man nipples. So yeah.

So then Lexi and Bailey go down like a water slide or something like that, or Bailey does. And Amanda's like, oh, to be young again. I remember when I was in my 20s last year. And then Paige is like... It was really hard. Kyle kept cheating on me.

It's like, you didn't get to be a child. You had too much Kyle trauma. - Yeah, she really did not. So then Paige tells us like, this is like the first summer that I feel old. Like they feel so young and nice and like full of life. And I'm like, are you even registered to vote? Like I have like acid reflux. Like they don't, they don't even know what that is. - You know, I've always considered Paige old, which is weird. And I don't mean she looks old or anything. I mean, she's like a very pretty young lady or whatever. And she came on here super young.

But I've just always thought of Paige as like a bitchy mom in the country club, like that my mom used to hang out with back in the day. And, you know, it's not the fanciest country club. It's like I'm from the El Paso country club, you know, but I just those ladies drinking Franzia in the backyard. Just one of them gets up and you talk about how fat their kids gotten, you know, one of those. So I've always looked at her as just kind of an old country club lady. So it's interesting that she ever really identifies as young.

um yeah i feel like she's me like i hit 40 years old when i turned 20 and i stayed 40 years old for a really long time excuse me what are your pronouns are they uh she her they them young younger thank you my pronouns are sir ma'am

So now Jesse's in the kitchen with some random friends and a girl's like, "Who's that girl with the thong and the shorts?" And it's Lexi. They're talking about Lexi. And the girl's like, "Do you like her?" And Jesse's like, "I do like her." And they're like, "Oh my God, Jesse." - Oh my God, Jesse, you found a child to follow around? Congratulations. Okay, so then we meet the real cast, Lexi's fucking family. - Girl. - I know. I was so glad that we finally had a drag race crossover moment.

Now this is a Texas family. This is a family. Oh my God. This is a thirsty family. This is a family built on thirst.

I'm like, why is Lexi's sister coming in like she's auditioning to be on RuPaul? I mean, her face was like, it was beyond beat. I mean, what is happening over here? I think that's why I got Texas from this family, because it's just like blonde, makeup, you know, lips out to here. And that girl was definitely...

thinking this is my first episode on my new show, you know? And from what I hear, Lexi is somewhat of an influencer and she just works with her mom and her sister. So they're like a thing. They're like a package. And so I'm excited to see what they bring, because I can guarantee you it's going to be very thirsty.

I can't even imagine life without my sister and like with my mom too. My mom's like my best, best, best friend. And like growing up, I think a lot of people thought that because I was like a model. I, you know, they thought I thought I was better than them. So kids like weren't always nice to me. So I think that's why I'm like so close to my family because they allow me to be myself. Yeah.

It's just like so hard when you're pretty because when you're really pretty and like a model, people are so mean to you. I'm like, okay, Trevor Project. Okay. It gets better, Lexi. Go for it. So, Jesse is called over. She's like, Jesse, get your American ass over here. Hehehe.

So he comes over and meets the family and Tiffany's like, "Hi, nice to meet you. I'm Tiffany." We know Tiffany. Girl, I knew your name before you even walked in the door. I could sense you were a Tiffany. No offense to all the Tiffany's out there. She's doing like Aida Totoro drag. It's wild. And so Tiffany's like, "Nice to meet you." And Jesse's like, "Hey, Tiffany. Great to meet you. Your sister likes me." "Yeah, he likes me."

And Jesse's like, "I mean, what's not to like?" And Lexi's like, "Whee, woohoo, for you. Like, wouldn't you look at her? Look at her." "Have you ever seen such a juicy booty?" And we cut around to the guest partying and Carl's like, "Hey, hey everybody who voted for me? High fives for soft." "Oh, it was too hard of a high five. Try it again. Try it. Oh, try it again. Try it again. I'm gonna have to talk about this in the kitchen later. That was traumatizing."

Anyone looking to grab a hot dog? And if you are, do you mind grabbing that hot dog a little tighter? Tighter. Tighter. Put your weight on this hot dog. So Sierra sees Carl and she's like, oh my God, Carl, you should just like keep wearing your hair like that because like new gel or grease, you know, new gel or grease or whatever you put in it. Like, I don't know. Like, I like that texture. It's like you have good hair texture. He's like, oh my God.

Shira, like, just gave me a compliment. Like, I haven't been friends with her because, like, it was so hard because I couldn't be friends with any of the girls because I was dating a terrorist. But, like, now that I'm, like, allowed to be kind to women again, it's, like, amazing that they're, like, nice to me. Shut up, Carl. Yeah, Carl, you're not friends with people because you've been awful to people for years. Don't think that you forgot. It's all Lincoln's fault.

Yeah, it can be nice. I can be nice on Sierra. It's amazing. I got a compliment. It really means so much. Everybody knows I'm a little awkward and I kind of am getting my feet back under me. So for Sierra to give me a little boost, it feels good. It just mazes you. It feels good. Why do you mean you're getting your feet back under you? How long do you need your feet back under you? Did you ever have them under you in the first place? I don't know you can have your feet back under if they weren't there in the first place.

he needs to relax okay this is too much i'm sick of it i'm sick of the like kid gloves around carl thing you know i applaud him for sobering up and getting his life together but like at a certain point you have to you know go out in the world the baby fawn thing is no longer working poor carl

If he wasn't with Lindsey, he would have been friends with everybody. So then Carl's announcing, everybody, all right, you got a fool between boys and girls. Boys, we got, like, cool stuff. You know, we got costumes. And we got a hot DJ. Hot DJ. All right, Frank Sinatra mix coming up next. 45-year-old DJ over here. And Lexi's like, um, the girls have boobs in a bar, so...

So then everyone, Amanda kicks everyone out. Like this is Amanda's role. I think the only reason why Amanda attends parties is solely so she can get the microphone and tell everyone to go home. You know, she's like, cause she's not, she doesn't enjoy these parties, but she loves saying, you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. God.

Like that is what she dreams of. She likes cosplaying as the person she wishes was at every bar that Kyle was at until four in the morning. You know? Yeah. This is, that's a matter of sexy cosplay. She's like, Kyle, come to bed. I'm wearing my security shirt. And then everyone votes and

And, um, okay. And guess what? The girls win. Of course they win because it's a girls. So the girls rule boys drool. And on top of that, the guys put on a stupid, stupid party with hot dog costumes. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappin's commercial.

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Welcome to Blood Vines. You can binge listen to Blood Vines exclusively and ad-free on Wondery+. Join Wondery in the Wondery app, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify. So now we go to Jessie's room, and she's taking off her shorts, and Jessie's like, can I get a picture of that? Juicy booty!

And then Carl's ordered pizza and wings for everybody. And Paige is in bed, of course, with Amanda and Sierra. And she's like, oh my God, what are they doing down there? Is everybody making out and falling in love? And then we cut to them. And yeah, it's pretty much that. It's a bunch of old, creepy fucking guys with all the youngest girls in the house. Like, oh, wow.

Jesse and Lexi are like curled up on the sofa together. And Jesse's like, I'm not good at planning trips, but I like going on them. Really? I want to go on like safari, like in Africa. Like I want to learn about like. Wait, I don't even want to know what you want to learn about because I think the big problem is I just haven't had a girlfriend to go on safari with. And then she kisses him. I'm like, I can't. She's like, yeah.

I am kind of mad 'cause I wanted to know the rest of her sentence. - Like, I wanna go on a safari like in Africa because like I wanna learn about like, I don't know, like where do dogs come from? Where do cats come from? Why are they always fighting? Am I right?

I want to go on a safari in Africa because I want to find out like what bookmarks are like in their wild and natural habitat. It's like, that's not safari. I've been to my search history, but I've never been to me. You can just have so many tabs open when you go on safari in Africa.

So then Paige and Amanda. How come if I talk about a product, then suddenly I'm getting ads for it all over my Facebook. Do they have Firefoxes on Safari?

So Amanda's like, now they're like looking at her, at Lexi's social media. Now they're doing the background check. And Amanda's like, she's like the hottest girl that Jesse's been with. And Paige is like, you think? She dated Brooklyn Beckham and Kai Kerber's brother. And they're like, Paige goes, good for her. Yeah.

Yeah, so that's why she's dating Jesse, I guess, like the storyline. Which of course is why he's doing it too. You know, I don't know how you ever trust love when you find it on TV. I don't know how you do, but they're doing it. And I think the girl's subtext there is like, wow, she's slumming it. Like here she is now with Jesse. Like what happened to the Beckham? What happened to the Gerber? Come on, man. Yeah. Yeah. Now you just have Jesse. You have Solomon. Yeah.

So now they're all going to go say they're all saying goodnight. Carl hugs Bailey. I love a Bailey hug. And it's amazing that I could hug Bailey because Lindsay's not here. Fine. Newly's on live. So Lexi is back to. Sorry, what'd you say? I could probably get back on my feet. Thanks. Sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt you. I hope I didn't knock you off your feet.

Normally I have to crawl to the front door to get the pizza, but today I could walk on my feet. So thank you, Bailey. Thank you for everything you gave me. I ordered some extra pepperoni on the pizza tonight because I'm just like finally getting back on my feet. Now that Linda's not here, I can order extra toppings. So thanks, Bailey. Thanks for helping me get back on my feet. I hope nobody was expecting crispy crust because I ordered it soft.

Does anyone want garlic knots? I used to never be able to eat them because they remind me of the knots I had in my stomach when I dealt with Lindsay. But now I'm finally getting back on my feet. So then in Lexi and Jesse's room, wherever they are, she's like, you can stay. And she tells us, obviously we're like hitting it off really fast. But like my fear is not getting my heart broken. My biggest fear is like not living life to the fullest. You know what I mean? Like I'd rather dive in head first and be like, ouch.

That hurt. And then it would be better than wondering, like, maybe what could have happened if I just gave him a chance. You know what I mean? Yeah, you're young. OK, soon you get what we call emotional scars. OK, and they teach you that when you touch a stove or in this example, a flaming penis, there can be repercussions. You know what I mean? So just be careful about the stoves you're putting your hands on, young lady. Don't make me come over there with my van.

Yeah, I don't want, I think, I think Lexi would, you should dive into love as soon as you find it. Cause you have not found it yet so far this season. I'm just going to tell you that right now. You're diving into a cement swimming pool with no water in it. It's a pool that sings songs. It's terrible. Get out. Oh God. And still thinks they're good to this day. It's like, what would Jesse Solomon do? Shut up. I wish he'd shut up.

Stop it. Okay, so Jesse and Lex are in bed. It's time for important conversations. The foundation of all love. I feel like my butt used to be, like, bigger. He's like, I wouldn't know. Like, I was literally looking at it. Like, it was like, maybe it's because it's, like, been doing so many steps. Like, it kind of disappeared, but, like, it was kind of like, what the fuck is going on? I'm literally looking at it.

It's plenty juicy. Don't worry about it. Plenty juicy. Wow, wow, wow. So it's the next morning. Carl wakes up and immediately spills water. He's like, oh, Lindsay must be on her way back. It's awful. Oh, oh, my knees are shaking. My knees are going back to the ground. Where are my feet? Where are my feet? Finally getting back on my feet, and now those feet are stepping in a puddle. Oh, oh, oh.

So Lexi and Jake wake up. Lexi and Jesse wake up together. Lexi. What would their nickname be? Their couple name? Lexi? It's probably going to be Jexy. Which is very like Brexit. But I like Lessie because... Jegxit. Jegxit is what I would love. I'm ready for Jegxit. All right. The episode title when they break up has to be Jegxit.

Yeah, it will be. So she's like, I'm happy you're here. And he's like, oh, you mean like in your bedroom? She's like, no, in the house and this bed. They've literally been looking at my butt. So then Sierra is like, are the guys going to do the dunk tank? I feel like there needs to be some sort of edge to it. And Amanda says that they should dump the hot dog juice in the water. And Paige goes, that's diabolical. Okay.

I mean, come on. There's something more diabolical than hot dog water. Knives, razor blades. Sierra, so they come up with their grand idea. So now they're going to get the hot dog cart water and the hot dogs, and they're pouring it into the dunk tank for the guys. So the guys see that, that they're doing it. And Carl's like, "Oh, the girls were pouring the hot dog water into the dunk tank. Oh, hard, hard. That is brand hard."

Oh my God. Oh, I need. So then, uh, then, um, uh, the girls are just like, oh my God, I feel better about this and everything. And everyone's grossed out, et cetera. And West is like, well, uh,

Even though it's a smidge awkward, it feels like it's way less heavy with Sierra right now. So I'm going to find windows to be normal and I'm not going to try hard, but I'm not going to be here. I'm not here to be like best friends and be annoying. But like if two X and G lovers can be in the house together, then Sierra and I could be in the house together too. You know, I'm like, oh, shut up. Just get in the dunk tank. Yeah, he's still doing his thing. She's just so mean to me. Surely we can work it out.

- Biting my lip. Well, I wanted to invite everybody. I'm throwing a party, okay? I'm DJing. I'm DJing you guys. - Well, you didn't tell me about it, Kyle. All right, everybody, you can't stay here, but you have to go home. - Come on, man. It's in the morning. - Still though. - Also, I want to invite this other guy to the house who's gonna maybe come out here this summer. His name is Imrul.

What's his name? Emeril. How tall is he? Does he have his feet back under him? I need more information. Are you jealous that there's another man coming to the house? Oh my God. And Jesse's like, I'm just curious. I'm just curious. How are his teeth? How are his teeth? When are you going to vote him out already? So now it's time to dunk the man in the hot dog tank. It's just wacky. It's just some wackiness.

I mean, yeah, they all get dunked into this hot dog juice. There's like a little window in the dunk tank so you can see people underwater as they're dunked. And seeing those hot dogs swirl around in that window was pretty visceral. Like that was up there with that Wes nipple drawing for me. They were just like floating around like little hot dog fish. It was...

it was it was it was unpleasant yeah i didn't watch this because it was like a you know it's like a funny games we're going to a dunk tank i was like i'm going to instagram bye yeah it did last 45 minutes so i understand i felt like it was it was a while so then they're going back home and um paige hugs amanda because like uh you know you're going in the same car right so you don't need to hug you think shut up hot

hot dog man. So now it's a city. Finally, we're back in the city. I kind of have been missing this when they're in the city. I love that. Cause we've, we've all let's bring three episodes in and we've been on the same weekend this entire time. It's only been one weekend. So all this stuff with Jesse and Lexi has only taken place over two days.

So Lindsay walks into a maternity store and she's like, this lady is like, hi, you look so cute. I love your bump out, which is so nice of this woman. But you know, she says this to anyone who walks into her store. Like you're contractually obligated to say that to anyone who walks into the store.

What does that mean? She just means that she has her bump out? Like, I love that you have your bump out. I know, but like how many times, like, could you imagine this woman saying like, oh, you have your bump out? Like, of course she's gonna, if you're a maternity store, you'd be like, all right, look at that bump. I can't look. Charlene, a lady with a bump came in. I cannot believe it. It is so nice, honey, to see people not hiding their bumps these days. Gosh, look at her bump out.

"Well, you came to the right place for that bump, a maternity store!" It's like, "Ladies, stop being so surprised that a lady with a bump came into your store. You're a maternity store." "Uh, sorry, mid-show critique, can we please stop saying the word 'bump'? It's been, like, a really rough few years for me." "I'm just finally gonna, finally gonna knock my feet on." So then Lindsay debuts her new line that she says for the rest of the episode, "Yeah, the bump is, like, really bumping this week."

And Paige is debuting her new thing, the I'm friends with Lindsay now for no, no real understandable reason, except that we're probably getting a spinoff soon. But all right, let's talk about it. Let's let's know. There's a reason. There's a reason. Because if you think about it, like there's probably like a 75% chance that Lindsay is going to give birth to like either a xenomorph or a devil. And I don't want her sending it towards me. So I'm going to be nice now. I'm starting. I'm putting in the putting in the credit right now.

I'm just going to be nice to her so that the mother of the Babadook tells the Babadook to be nice to me. I like my sleep. We need to aim this monster towards the person who really deserves it. Danielle. Thank God she's out of my life. Wow. Speaking of Babadook.

So she's like, yeah, when Lindsay finally said the word she's pregnant, suddenly I liked her. It was crazy. I don't really understand why, but I was like, wow, she's my friend, my very old friend. And she's having a baby. I'm just going to be there to lean on. Well, not me, but I'll hand her a stick or something to lean on because she'll need it because she has a baby and she's old. Very, very old. It's a geriatric pregnancy. So it's.

It's truly an honor to be helping someone in their 80s give birth. So I am going to accept this responsibility. It's really important that she has someone to make sure, I don't know, she's not eating sushi, drinking Drano, walking out in front of buses. Um, what are you thinking about? Different ways you could die, Mother of a Babadook. Sorry. Sorry, we're friends. We're friends.

Given Lindsay's advanced age, I know that now that she's pregnant, she's going to need someone to help her understand how to send text messages and answer the question, what's the difference between a text message and an email? So I'm happy to be that person. Lindsay, I'm just here to support you and to tell you that no, a Nigerian prince is really not trying to give you a million dollars if you just give him your social security number.

Lindsay, now that you're pregnant, I am here to help you set up your Apple TV every six weeks.

So, they're talking about freezing eggs. Paige asks her if she's happy that she froze her eggs, and Lindsay's like, "Um, 100%, and I hope that they end up being an insurance policy, but I really think every woman should freeze their eggs." And Paige is like, "Yeah, did you know that Craig froze his sperm?" And Lindsay just looks at him like, "Oh my god. I dated Carl for years, and still I think Craig's an idiot." Like, wow.

We see the clip of Craig saying, I saw something where someone got into a car accident and they couldn't, they were infertile afterwards. They crashed into an x-ray. So, um, backwards for the rest of their life. So that's why me and Paige decided to freeze my sperm. Craig is such a liar. Paige did not decide to freeze your sperm. Why do you have to lie with everything that you say? I love Lindsay's like, um,

Does he know that he is not up against an actual biological clock? Correct. Correct. It's funny because Linda goes, he does know that, that, that, that. They just probably not.

I don't even know what you're gonna say. I don't know what you're gonna say. 1000%. He just really is really stupid. He's traumatized by Peter Pan. So, Paige is like, "Correct." I said to him, "I should probably freeze my eggs." And he was like, "Okay, so should I freeze my sperm?" So, if you'd like to laugh right now, I give you permission.

"Um, but was his sperm depleted?" She goes, "No. His sperm's fine. If anything, it was above average." I mean, they said it's the first spermatozoa we've ever seen stabbing walls. So, that's something.

Craig has been ready for a family and for me to move into his home since literally I think the day he texted me. But I have like worked for this exact moment in my career for 10 plus years, which is, of course, to be on a national platform and telling everyone how stupid my boyfriend is. I have dreamed of this moment and he can't take it away from me. I was paid last year to pretend that I would walk into an old Navy. Now is not quitting time.

This fall, my podcast, Giggly Squad, is going on a 60 City tour. What? How are they doing 60 Cities? That's crazy. Well, they sold out Radio City twice in a row. I know. Good for them. I really... I am...

I am. I am. I don't know why. I don't know why I had a rational feeling. I'm like stammering squad. I don't know. I had this irrational feeling like there are babies. I don't know why. I think because we saw them and on summer house and no one cared about summer house back then. And we saw them become more popular and they created their podcasts and

And then they just sort of grew it. And I don't know why I have, there's no reason this is a parasocial thing, but I feel like Giggly Squad is our little child ownership of Giggly Squad. We had nothing to do with that. We had nothing to do with it, but I feel like a lot of good kids have nothing to do with where they come from anyway, but that's not, we literally have nothing to do with that. Giggly Squad presented by Watford Krappens. Yeah. But it's cool to see that people grow that much. That's nuts.

So then we, and also just like Bravo people reaching that level of success, you know, like whatever. And I don't know, I know it's not like hundreds of millions of dollars, like Bethany level, but even Bethany, Bethany is one of the most obnoxious people on the planet. But that was so crazy when she did that. Cause just as a Bravo fan, you're like,

oh my God, people that I watch on TV just did so well, you know? 'Cause so much of Bravo is just watching people crash and burn. It's like, you start with somewhat healthy people and then you just watch them. It's like the long road to how do they end up in prison, you know? And so to see people successful, it's like, oh my God, there's hope in the world. - Yeah, yeah, exactly. So,

Anyway, she's basically like, I am like, I like my career is hotter than it's ever been before. And I'm not just going to like turn that all away just to settle down and be in with Craig. Having a baby. Craig babies. No, thanks. So they're talking about and we knew that this was going to happen with Lindsay. Right. And we we generally like Lindsay, I think. But.

We knew that Lindsay's going to be the most fucking obnoxious pregnant person in the world, which here she goes. Oh, my God. We're picking out dresses for my gender reveal party. Oh, my God. Let me tell you the gender right now of that child. Not interested. OK, yeah, that child is going to come out and be like, why is this a sick fucking joke? Lindsay's going to be stabbing, stamping him with hashtags.

- Here, guess what, Ronnie? Right now we're gonna have an enthusiasm reveal about how I feel about gender reveals. And we're gonna be looking at this garbage pail and oh my God, not enthused at all. I can't believe it, the streak continues. Wow, what a great enthusiasm reveal. - I've peed on a stick and found out the gender of your baby. Do not care, do not fucking care.

Just send me a link to the registry and tell me what color. Oh my God, I just found out what you're having, Lindsay. Another polluter.

So Paige wants Lindsay to have a girl. And Lindsay's like, you know what I was thinking about? Either way, boy or girl, this is my opportunity to break a cycle. No, Lindsay, Pelotons are really good. You really shouldn't break it. No, like an emotional cycle? Doing things that my mom didn't do that should have been done? So she wants to... She has huge abandonment issues and she's hoping...

that she can be there for her child in a way that her mom wasn't there for her, which is good. Yeah, I think that everybody who has a child deserves their own way to fuck up their child. They shouldn't be stuck on the way that they were fucked up as a child. They shouldn't have new, fun, creative ways to torture their children.

Yeah. Like a lot of stuff within my family. And I'm like, well, OK, like I have this issue with my parent because my parent was horrible in my mind. But then you get older and you're like, no, they were actually a good parent. They were they were just fucked up because they had trauma from their parent. And then their parent, like my meemaw, was fucked up because she had trauma from her parents.

parents i mean you should have heard her stories and i'm like it's just this cycle you know i finally got the word cycle and i'm like this cycle's just so boring it's all the same so i broke my cycle and now i'm traumatizing everybody else with new psychological terror like why rely on meemaw's that's outdated

New traumas, fresh traumas, everybody. I know, but the sad part about trauma and cycles is that we think we're breaking the cycle. But if you've ever seen 12 Monkeys, you're just...

you just contribute the cycle continues i want to see 12 monkeys i'm going on safari i wish i had a girlfriend to take me to see 12 monkeys um so lindsay is um gonna break the cycle and we see a conversation from her from eight years ago talking to her mom saying well the phone goes but please

So then I like that. I forgot that that happened when Lindsay finally called her mom and she's like, hi mom, it's nice to talk to you. And her mom's like, well, you could call me. Um, the phone goes two ways because you know, that meant the mom had her own thing where she was like, my daughter never speaks to me and hates me and won't forgive me for things that happened as a child. You know? Yeah. I love it. It's trauma everywhere. Cycles. Here comes one right now.

At 24, I lost my narrative, or rather it was stolen from me. And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. I

I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours. Something you possess is lost or stolen, and ultimately you triumph in finding it again. So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks, both recognizable and unrecognizable names, about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph.

My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank up. They connected with the people that I'm talking to and leave with maybe some nuggets that help them feel a little more hopeful. Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.

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So anyway, now we go to Lexi and Jesse meeting up at the Bar Lawn Club, which is kind of like a douchey version of Dave & Buster's, kind of. It seems like it's a Dave & Buster's made for Manhattan people who work in mixed media or something. So Jesse's like, you look pretty. Are you a model? Yeah.

"You all learned some games?" "Yeah, I actually like literally have always wanted to come here. Like I was literally looking at my ass and I was literally like, can I ever go to the Barlon Club? Oh my God, and now I'm here." He's like, "Whoa, I have a question. Like she's hot and she can walk down the runway. She's got a juicy booty, but can she shoot a basketball into a trash can?" "Yeah, let's see." And so she shoots a basketball and misses and guess what she does when she misses? She goes,

I was like, oh my God. And then we watched them. We then watched like five minutes of them trying to shoot baskets and they're both missing for five minutes straight and they can't do cornhole. They can't do anything. They're just totally, totally inept people. And I say this as someone who has no athleticism whatsoever. I was like, but these people were really struggling. So then Jesse said. This is me trying to get a basket into a hoop.

Why? Why can't I do anything? The cycle. So then Jesse is like, so before my dad married my mom, he made her shoot a basketball because he wanted to see like before he had kids with her, like if she had a good jump shot. She's like, um, are you asking me to have your babies? And he's like, no, I'm just saying, I don't know if we can. Your dad's also a douche. So there's that.

"Well, I want someone who like sees me and they're like, 'That's my girl.' And they like go for it, you know? Because like, I think guys can be like intimidated because like, by my exes, you know, or like my lifestyle." You've seen Tiffany, right? We get a lot of free makeup. So that's hard. So I'm going to have to talk with him. He's like, "This has been so much fun. It's been like amazing. So are we going to share a room this weekend or what? We're going to take it slow or are you going to let me stick it in you?"

- He goes, "Yeah, do you usually move this quick with boys or is it usually slower?" - She's like, "Well, I don't share beds with every single guy that I just met on the first night, but like, I just want to make sure that like we're a thing because I only want to be getting to know each other. Cause like, you know, I don't like gray." - I do. - What does Lindsay have to do with this?

I do have to say, I liked that Lexi kind of said exactly like she set her parameters and her boundaries. I am going to give her credit for this because she's like, yeah, I want to make sure that this there's like one thing like that, this thing that we're only getting to know each other because it just makes it more black and white. Like she's like, yeah, guess what? We're already exclusive because that's how I do it. Like, I don't want to like be talking around to a million different people. If you're into me, then great. Be into me, but don't be into anyone else. I was like, oh,

Look at her establishing what she wants. Yeah, I like that too. That's what I was going off about at the beginning of the episode because he's acting like it's crazy. He's like, oh, well, it feels like I've only known you for a week. Then keep in your fucking pants then. There's your answer. What's so weird about it? It's not as weird as you trying to bang a young girl when, you know...

you have nothing going on with her. Why is it so weird for her to not want you to bang half the world? Okay. Go to an SDG. She's like, I'm a hot commodity. I did it. A Gerber. I did it. A Beckham. You don't even have a last name. That's worth anything. So I'm going to date you. But just so you know, I'm not a casual dater and I'm a relationship sex girl. So this is what you need to know about me. And he's like, Oh,

He's like, do I want to be with a hot girl who's sort of famous or do I want to be able to fuck around? Yeah. He's like, that's really a tough one to swallow. And she's like, well, but like, we need to go with her gut and then if it doesn't go out, right, it doesn't work out great. Then we'll work that out too. I'm like, no, because now you're telling him, okay, let's just do whatever you want. And then once you fuck me over, then I'll deal with that when I come to it. Stick on the other stuff.

Yeah. So, uh, now we go to Kyle's room. Oh no, now we get a Jesse. Now we get the Jesse ultimate fuck boy where he goes, yeah, listen, like, it's just going to be a change of pace for me. You know, stick with me, kid. I'm learning. Cause I'm normally not like that.

Normally I just fuck off. I'm a work in progress. Yeah, he's doing that whole thing like, well, okay, but when I cheat on you, don't forget that I told you in front of this basketball in a trash can thing that I'm new at this and I would try it for you, but I'm not sure that I can do it. I love it's always the guys who want to love bomb and lock something down so they can have sex who then simultaneously are like, whoa, it's going too fast.

So then we go to Kyle's rooftop DJ party and people are all there and arriving. And Amanda is giving Kyle shit about like his turntable. She's like, she's like, she's like touching the circle part. She's like, does this actually go wiggy, wiggy, wiggy, which I believe is a direct watch what happens quote. And then, um, Jesse is, everyone's just showing up and everything. And, um,

Kyle is saying how basically last summer when he said he wanted to be a DJ, it was like kind of a drunken thing that just sort of came out, but he's glad he did because now he's taking classes and he's DJing and he's living his best DJ life.

Yeah. He's like, yeah, people think it looks like a midlife crisis, but that's going to be a Ferrari. Yeah. This just makes sense. So Paige comes and basically everybody's arriving and hugging and all that good stuff. And Carl sees Jesse and he's like, hey, hey.

How are you, my man? All right, look at me. I've got legs, so that's good. Are you in love? Are you in love now? What's that like? Like, I've been impressed with the vibes that have been displayed. I'm just going to tell you that, my friend.

And then Wes shows up. He's like, whoa, did I just interrupt good juice? And Jesse's like, no, we're just talking biz over here. Instead of talking about, talking about Lexi and stuff. Carl's like, I mean, she's a kind of girl. He locked down obviously, but like tightly and softly, not hard.

So they're talking about the date and Jesse says, uh, yeah, I went on a date and it was fun. I mean, she's like so cute. And yeah, well, I mean, she's the kind of girl that you like locked down. Obviously, obviously. Yeah. She made that clear.

So then Paige is like, "Hey Lexi, I want to hear about your date, because you're so young, it's shocking." And she's like, "Oh my god, the date was like really cute, like we really vibe, and I'm just like, I'm just like really enjoying my time." I'm like, "Go for it Lexi Wood!" So obviously I feel like we're probably going too fast, but, and Sierra's like, "No, no, he's a fuckboy, you need to lock, you need to go out, when you see a fuckboy, you need to go and attach yourself as soon as possible."

They're like, no, you're not going too fast at all. You fucking dingbat.

Then Lexi's talking to Gabby. She starts, Kyle, sorry, Kyle, Lexi and Gabby are talking and Kyle's like, whoa, you got the bump out. You got the bump out. It's just a big thing today. Bump out. Hashtag bump out. She's like, they told me it was like the size of a mango this week. So I just partnered with the mango company. It's pretty good. It's 20K. The bump is bumping and the mango is mangling. So now Lexi,

Lindsay and Jesse are eating a big sandwich. Look like a giant hot dog. I feel like I've got hot dogs on the brain this week.

um and then uh carl's ordering some non-alcoholic lover non-alcohol so carl says hey i was gonna ask you kyle do you drink during your show do you keep it soft and carl's like yeah well sometimes when my nerves it's just like so hard to see up there and i don't want to be like buzzed whatsoever just purely wasted so oh by the way m rules on his way oh look here he is here comes in rule

I love this going by the DJ oath. You know, DJs staying sober at all times. So Imrul comes over and he's talking to everybody in the club. He's like, hey, hey, it's me, Imrul. Hey, everybody, it's me. I'm here. I don't know if you heard the but it happened because I brought a motorcycle here. That's right. I'm a badass with a penis.

He's like, Emeril's like the classic New Yorker. He loves to have a good time. He likes to get, like, you know, he's like Casanova. If, like, Casanova lived in New York City in 2024 and had, like, multiple partners on a given night. God.

So Imruel says hi to everyone. And he's talking about how he's from Brooklyn, but he was born in Bangladesh. And I was like, oh yeah, what's the word to refer to someone who's from Bangladesh? He's like, Bengali. He's like, oh wow, I love that. He's like, yeah, that's how people know about the country. It's the Bengals. He's like, oh my God, I just realized that. Bengals, Bengali, wow. Yeah.

learning all the important things on summer house while we're getting to know each other. I wish in rule would say, why are you wearing your hat above your head? And why are you struggling so hard to look like a cool 21 year old? Please let it go. You're uncomfortable to hang out with. Please just let it go.

So Kyle's DJing and then Bailey and Lexi are taking a shot. And then Jesse and Lindsay are taking a picture together and people are dancing. People are having fun. So Paige brings, tell Sierra, let's go to the bar. So they go to the bar and then Paige is like, okay, look at this.

This morning, I received a bit of rage texting from Kyle Cook about my best friend, Hannah, and my boyfriend, Craig. For Craig, he's mad because he signed a deal to do some ad with another drink company. And then Hannah, because she was on a podcast, just being Hannah. And then we hear Hannah on a podcast basically being like, or actually we don't hear her. I just, in my mind, I heard her saying like, yeah, I was fired by Kyle because of tennis. But, um, uh,

She says that she was fired because Kyle had her fired because she didn't add for a competitor to Loverboy. No, I'm sorry. That's just not true. You were fired because you were a total monster and the audience hated your ass. So that's why you were fired on your last season.

So this is Kyle's rage text to page, the whole thing. I got it on Reddit, so thank you Reddit. - All right. - "Honestly beyond discouraged with Craig too. This wouldn't be a topic today if it wasn't for him and about a dozen lies. I can't believe this is where Hannah is at three years later. I'm fucking apeshit. First, her telling Alex Cooper I cheated on Amanda right up until our wedding and all the pain we fucking suffered because of that podcast when it was at its peak.

which I never fucking confronted her about now or you. I didn't confront you about it either. Now this, you've been with her this entire time and are out there saying you wish you stood up for her season five. And now this, this is what you think as well. Hannah had the lowest Q rating ever.

something illegible, the entire work, AKA likability, just ask Dave Kaplan drunk and he'll tell you. Sorry to barrage you, I was just heated in the moment. Can't vent to Amanda 'cause she basically divorced me for potentially hurting your guys' friendship with the Spritz stuff. And I don't understand how lies keep getting told. - Wow. - Wow. All right. What do you think? - What do you think? I just talked for 20 minutes.

I mean, Hannah had a horrific season. People hated Hannah. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

She probably got fired because people didn't like her that season. I mean, I could also see Kyle basically. I could also see Kyle having a tantrum to a producer and be like, either she goes or I go. Maybe he kind of is the head of the show in that way, or at least he positions himself as the head of the show. I don't know. I think Kyle got fired. I mean, Hannah got fired because no one liked Hannah. I mean, I think that's how it is. And I think she's done a good job in her post-Summer House life.

you know, obviously she's doing, she's got like 3 million Tik TOK followers or something like she's doing fine. But I think on her summer house journey was not great and it didn't end great and nobody liked her. And that's why she got fired. And I think this text Kyle is kind of venting to, it feels like he's not yelling at page, but he's like venting to her like, Oh really? This is what they're going to do. And they're your friends, which I don't think is great either. So I think she has a right to be pissed off. Oh, page definitely does. I mean, I don't like,

whatever you feel about it, Kyle going to page about pages, best friend and boyfriend, even though we know that Craig is a liar, like you just don't do that. She's right. She says, Kyle has his number, has both their numbers. So he can call, he can reach out to them and not go to page. Yeah. Cause Kyle is very happy. Does he get to yell at Kyle for being a DJ? I mean, come on. And everyone's a lot. He's a lot. And he doesn't even own a spritz company. He's just an ad person for the spritz company. Right.

Also, they're allowed to do things that are not Loverboy. I mean, how long have we seen Loverboy hawked on this show for crying out loud and still not happy?

So, uh, Paige is like, notice how I didn't say my name in there, but I'm just getting yelled at honestly beyond discouraged with Craig too. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I mean, you know, he's like going ape shit. So that's what happened to me today. What, what about me? Gabe? What about me? Gave you the impression that you could just text me, talk shit about my best friend and my boyfriend. Like what the fuck?

You have both of their numbers, be an adult. And if you see something on the internet that makes you upset, sit with it for a minute and then text the person that said it. You're trying to put me in the middle of it and it's absolutely insane. Yeah. And Sierra's like, yeah. And like, everyone needs to have allegiance to Carl. I was like, yeah. When has he ever supported me? I mean, he has never supported one fucking thing I've ever done. I like when she gets more like East Coast accent when she gets mad. It's like, when have you ever said anything about my book?

She had a book. I didn't know she had a book. I guess so. Sierra's like, yeah, he talks shit about your podcast and he acts like you don't want to understand anything as a businesswoman. And she's like, I've drank your drink for seven fucking years. I was like, that was my first thought too. Like Paige is an influencer and she's sitting there holding this lover boy. I mean, I would go nuts if I was in the house and every year, um,

I had lover boy forced on me, especially if there are other beverages that I'd rather drink instead. Like these people have been totally supportive and they're there at his party right there, right at his party. Paige is such a draw. Paige is arguably the biggest star on Summer House right now. And like it's such a draw that Paige is at Kyle's party and he's still going to go off on her. That's just that's bad business right there.

So she's like, "Anne, I keep your wife company while you're up there acting like fucking Diplo, please." So then it's just, I like that when she's saying this, it just cuts to Kyle with his hands in the air going, "Yeah! Yeah!"

All right, well, guess what? It's Friday, so it's time for Lindsay and Danielle to arrive at the Hamptons. Speaking of Q ratings, here comes Danielle. I know, right? Danielle, who I feel like has been fired from the show two times, and she keeps coming back. So Danielle's like, can I be annoying and can I touch your bump? The bump is bumping. Actually, I would say you're pop-a-loppin'. Wrong hashtag, bitch. Hashtag mango.

So they come in and Lindsay's excited that Danielle's here because like we've seen each other through a lot of different phases. Let's roll the clip. There was a phase when we would party and then there was a phase when we'd be in bed texting and then there was a phase where we made bagel bites in the microwave together. So it's like a lot, a lot of phases.

And then Danielle tells us, she goes, the break has been nice for a lot of reasons. I'm like, break? You've only had one week off since last season. You weren't on. What are you talking about the break? Yeah.

It's the second week. It's the second weekend of the show. Like, yeah, well with that week, I really focused on myself and like, you know, I missed the house though, which is so crazy. It's not like so crazy. Like I really miss the house. Yeah. You miss your tether to fame. So yeah. But it's like, you haven't been gone for six years. It's literally been only one weekend of shooting that you missed. That's it. You were at the reunion last season.

So she's going to have the same haircut. We didn't even get a new haircut.

And then she's like, wow, it looks the same. It's weird being here. It's like, Danielle, I'm going to shake you. Stop acting so nostalgic. Okay. You're on the same schedule as you were last year. And Danielle's like, wait, why is there a painting of a mango on the, is that a mango? She's like, um, that's my baby, baby mango. So yeah, we're like hashtagging it. And like Carl wasn't here. Don't worry. And Danielle's cracking up. She's like, um, like,

I've been on the Lindsay roller coaster for like so long and this is like the top of it. So she's in the same house with Carl and she's pregnant. Nobody will impregnate me. Nobody.

So, Danielle, I need your help. I'm going to do a gender reveal scavenger hunt tonight. Nobody in the world knows the gender yet because no one cares except for my family and me and my baby daddy. Danielle goes, so are we doing another sponsored post with that? He goes, trust me, if I could find a way to work that in, I totally would have.

She's like, don't rub it in. I'm not even going to have the baby in bubbling. If I found a way to have a scavenger on, I would hide the baby somewhere and let somebody find it. What's this picture of a mango driving down a country road? Oh, I got, I got my sonogram, um, sponsored by AutoZone. Oh, okay. So is that a baby getting an oil change? Hmm.

Yes, you ever run with it? Why is that baby breastfeeding from a dipstick? It's called making a living, Daniel. Wait a second. Did you just tape your ultrasound on top of the Michelin baby? Yes, I did. It's a vision board.

Um, well, when everyone finds out the gender, everyone's going to find out the gender, but they're going to have to wear that color option to the dinner. Oh, for fuck's sake. So now we have to wear two different, we have to bring two different colors of outfits to wear to your fucking party. Lindsay, come on, man. It's a pain in the ass enough that you're pregnant during a summer house without making it all about your fucking pregnancy. I can't.

Like the fact that it's both a scavenger hunt and a color coded dinner. I would just quit the show. I'm like, sorry, I'm going back to Manhattan. I'm done here. Maybe Bailey, maybe Bailey had it all figured out. So then Sierra arrives and Danielle goes, hello, there's a stranger in your house. You saw her two months ago. So then I like that. Sierra has the most realistic reaction to Danielle. She goes, oh, hey,

So what's up? I know. Did you go out with that big, like, room? I mean, tell me all about it, Sierra. And Sierra's like, yeah, it was me, Carl, Emeril, Gabby, Bailey, Lexi, and Wes. And we went out. And Danielle's like, oh, my God. I only know, like, half the names. This is like going back to my high school again. She's funny.

So we see that the group went to happy hour and, um, and had a fun time. And then Danielle is, uh, like, so how was it with West across the table? Am I right? Girlfriend? She's like, well, we had a distraction, which was in rule. So a rule was sharing that he couldn't join us last weekend because he was at a play party. And Danielle's like, Oh, so like everyone brings their kids like a bouncy house or do they like, or,

Or do they like all perform like Ibsen and like O'Neal? Like, no, it's not that kind of play party. It's for adults like Triple X. And so we cut to Emeril telling everyone, yeah, like I walked in and right when I got in there, there was a sex swing. So, yeah, pretty much did. And they're like shocked.

And then Sierra was like, yeah, so that's our intro. Play a party. And then somebody asked him how many times he came. And we see a flashback of Wes being like, so do you come? Did you get in trouble? Was anyone being mean to you? Were there women being mean to you and ruining your fun? What was that like? And are there other animals from Bangladesh that we might know about? And he's like, yeah, I didn't come.

so lindsay's like um i don't even want to know about this like well between the gender reveal and in rules like sex club adventures we have a lot of great content on the table for us coming it's a sperm heavy episode that's for sure yeah but how did he not come he had sex with three different people and didn't cut was he like doing that on purpose or was he like woody harrelson woody harrell sending it i don't know that's it's interesting but you know who does come

He does come right now and rule. He shows up at the house. He shows up on a motorcycle and I'm like, how does this work? Cause where are your bags? You don't have any bags. You're just on a motorcycle. How are you doing this? Oh yeah. That's a good point. Yeah. And it's also a really long motorcycle trip. I mean, yeah. Well, the Luke used to do it and we, I never questioned where Luke's bags were, but I just assumed Luke would just wear the same lumberjack clothes all weekend.

Yeah. Or like you take your bags to someone else's car to bring them, but then you take the motorcycle or something to say, cool. I think that it must be that. Yeah. Okay. So he comes in and we find out that he's like, well, I was going to be here last week, but I had my hands tied. Oh, literally. I'm over this guy.

So he tells us that he grew up in a Muslim household and everything was taboo. You couldn't eat pork, you had to pray five times a day, you can't have sex before marriage. And he's like, "I don't wanna say I was trapped, but just kind of limited by circumstance." And then eventually when I started having a better sense of my own self, I realized I wanna go to sex parties and I don't like this rigidity unless it's in my dick. So I've come the other way now, well, when I do come,

It was me embracing it. It was hard to loosen up at first after my upbringing, but sitting in a sex swing for a night really changed that. So we're going to tell you. Loose as a goose, ready to party, guys. So then Paige and Lexi and Wes are coming, and they're talking about their week and stuff. And Paige got a cat.

And they're like, oh my God, that is so cute. And she's like, yeah, I did it because my girlfriends have a cat and they were like, you have to get a cat. And I was like, oh my God, I have to get a cat. And so I got a cat. It's like, she's like the cutest thing I've ever seen. Like literally in my life. I love her so much that I immediately left her for three days.

I love when Lacey goes, what did you name it? She goes, Daphne. Like, of course she named her cat Daphne. It's like the most page name of a cat. I just chuckled when she said that. The exasperated housekeeper on Frasier.

So, um, but also how do you get a kitten in the, just leave it? Who'd she leave? I know I was a little surprised. Like you just got the cat. Listen, I think that if I think of when you can bring baby-ness in here, you can bring a cat in here, bring it on, bring the cat. I would like a cat. Well, I don't know that cat could get loose and I don't know, maybe, maybe a kid is not the best, best place. I'm sorry. This is a recap and not really time for my own trauma, but who cares if you don't want to listen to my trauma fast forward three minutes.

Do you know what happened last night? Okay. So some, the leaf blower was over blowing shit around and he left the gate open and I didn't know, cause I don't see the gate and it's on the side of the house and Bueller got out and I went out there and I could not find him. So I was like, well, maybe it's just taking his time. So I chilled out and then I went out and he still wasn't there. So I went out and got, I got the flashlight and I'm looking around. Bueller's not there. I'm like, okay, I need to look at his air tag. So I pushed the air tag thing and it's like, can't find the air tag, which is weird.

And it said battery ran out of the air tags. I was like, God damn it. So I'm looking all over. I'm walking the street and I'm screaming for Bueller freaking out because this is Texas. You know, I'm kind of in the country. There's some, you hear coyotes howling and all sorts of shit. I was like, poor Bueller. I come home and Bueller sitting at the front door looking in. All he wanted to do was come through a different door. That's so poetic. He didn't even care about running away. He's just like, I wonder what it's like to come in this other door. I'm going to come out. Wow.

That's exactly what Emeril said at his party. I've never freaked out like that. My poor Bueller. I'm glad Bueller is safe and sound. Yeah, he's back. I felt my stomach drop out of my pooper. Okay, so she got a cat.

And they're like, "Yeah, #catmoms." So, let's talk about your date now. She's like, "Um, like, my parents, Jesse met my parents this week. It was like so funny because it was like last minute and then like came in the town so like he came to meet them." And Paige is like, "Um, so are you going to get married in Canada? What are you doing?" Do you have to actually wear a Canadian tuxedo to a Canadian wedding? I've just always been curious about this. Can I bring my cat?

So, yeah. So Jesse was like, yeah, they love me. And because, of course, you know, he's probably he's probably so good with parents. And Danielle is like, so did you clear the entire roster? Did the text messages have to go on? By the way, I have to say.

These walls! Have there always been this many walls in the kitchen? It's just been so long since I've been here. Where even am I? I'm sorry, are you speaking English? I can't even understand what you're saying. Are we talking differently now in the house? Where am I?

So they're talking about meeting the parents with Jesse and he's like, "Oh God, like I just like have to tell the story now." She goes, "I'm like dying to know how it went." Okay, well on my way, I was like, how the fuck did I get here? Because like weeks ago I was just like single dating and now I'm about to meet this girl's parents. And then I show up and Bozo the clown is fucking there. I mean, it turned out to be her sister, but that was scary.

So then he's talking about how Amanda's like, but by the way, a lot of people are waiting for you to come in on my most recent post because Jesse, his thing is that he comments like really, he really like flirts hard on his, his lady friends, Instagrams.

And he's like, "Yeah, I'm the type of guy that likes to gas up his girlfriend. Like Amanda posted a picture, she deserves some love." So I tell her how hot she is on her photo and I do the same for Ciara. And we see like everything is like, "You look so fucking hot, I wanna bone you." That's what all the comments are like. And Lexi's basically like, "Yeah, if you're into me, you can't do that." So you have to say things like, "Your dress looks cute, but you can't be like, 'You're so fucking hot, I wanna do you.'"

She's like, instead of saying that, maybe you say the dress is beautiful. And I was like, I don't know about this. It's like really hard. She can't even shoot a basket. So they're all talking about how much he changes or how much he's already changed with Lexi. So then Lexi comes and she sees him and she's like, does that thing where she holds him like from around the neck and then looks like deeply into his eyes for a kiss. Oh my God. Oh.

Wrong tree. Wrong tree. Find another tree to bark up, ma'am. Danielle's like, hi, you don't know me, Lexi. I'm Danielle. And she's like, oh my God, hi. You know, I am so grateful for the work that you do around here. The bushes look wonderful. Thank you for all your landscaping. She's like, no, no, I'm...

I used to live here. Oh, okay. That's great. And Paige brings Lindsay pink flowers and she's like, oh, it's for your gender reveal. I'm team pink because you nauseate me and I take Pepto. Just kidding. It's for a girl.

So the chef arrives and they clear out so the chef can cook and everything. And Jesse and Lexi are like hugging and kissing. And he asks about her parents because they're in town. And he's like, so how was it? It was amazing. We actually had such a good time. And my mom reassured me, my ass is not smaller after all, despite doing all the steps. Okay.

So Sierra watches Paige take her luggage up. She's like, you're independent. I'm not. Emerald, take my luggage up. He's like, okay, yeah, full service over here. Oh, wait, hold on. Made it to the top of the stairs. I have an announcement. Did not come. Okay, let's do this.

So Kyle West is asking if Kyle is here. And Amanda says that Kyle had to drive over from New Hampshire because he had an event there. And meanwhile, Sierra and Paige are talking. And Sierra is like, what am I going to grow out of crop tops? Never. By the way, have you ever spoken? Have you spoken to Kyle yet? So Paige is like, well, after his event, he just goes, hey, sorry about all those texts earlier. And I was like, all right.

I mean, I said nothing because I'm not going to like say something at his event and like be like, it just was weird. I mean, I have a cat now. I'm a cat mom to Daphne. I have to set a good example. So then a couple of days go by and he's like, does this whole page six exclusive about Hannah. And he lied to his fucking teeth in the article. And he goes, I don't know what Hannah's talking about. And I didn't get her fired. And I don't have that much power. Okay. And you wouldn't make up with her at the reunion. So we all know what that means. It's not even about Hannah. Cause it's like,

you two are never going to have a friendship anyway. You both have different experiences, but like, how are you going to just like watch history repeat itself? Like Craig doesn't want to be your friend, like point blank.

Period. He feels uncomfortable even coming to the house. And you went on national television in articles calling him a liar about his business. That was a really long one. Sorry, I'm exhausted. I'm going to sleep in bed the whole weekend. Yeah, she goes off and on and on and on and on. And she's like, yeah, it's like when your dad gets mad at you for doing bad things, but your friends were the ones that did it. And I'm like, dad, I don't smoke weed. Yeah.

So she's had it with fucking Kyle, you know? And she's like, and now I've gotten to a point where you fucked with my best friend and now you're fucking with my boyfriend. Like, you think you can disrespect me? You think you can text me anything you want? Like, fuck you. Like, you're lucky I don't buy your lover boy and fucking sell it. All right, bitch. So I'll probably say all of that at Lindsay's gender reveal dinner. I'm like, yes, Jersey housewife coming out the second she gets pissed.

So then we get Kyle walking into the house like, hey, everybody, I just DJed. And she's like, I'm going to kill him. Yeah, it's going to be great. She's going to eviscerate him next week. Looking forward to it. Fun times. All right, everybody. Thanks so much for being here for another episode of Watch What Crappens. Get tickets for our live shows over at WatchWhatCrappens.com. Trade us recaps and videos over at Patreon. And we will talk to you next time. Bye.

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