#2752 Denise Richards and her Wild Things S0101-02:Rants and Raves
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Hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker and joining me today is Mr. Ronnie Karam. Hi, Ronnie. How are you? Hi. What's going on with you?

Not much. We're here today to recap the brand new series, Denise Richards and Her Wild Things. We're going to recap. We're aspiring to recap the first two episodes in one episode here, but we may split it up. We'll see how it goes. Anywho, before we dive into that, of course, we are continuing on with our national tour, the Mounting Hysteria Tour, which is

Resuming next week, we start off in Cincinnati. Then we're going to go to Minneapolis and Toronto all next weekend. Then we're also... The following weekend, we're going to go to Charlotte, Atlanta. And then we're going to go after that, D.C. and Philadelphia. That's just how we're going to spend our March. We have more shows in April and May. But right now, we're just talking March. So go to WatchYourCrapHands.com to get your tickets. Also...

You can watch us, not just listen to us, by going to patreon.com slash watch for crappins. That's where you can check out Crappins on Demand. Also, bonus episodes. We've been covering The Traitors, the best show ever, over there. Finale is happening tomorrow. Can't wait. Now, here's a note about Patreon that you may have missed on our Beverly Hills recap, which is that

Apple has introduced an Apple tax. So if you sign up for Patreon, if you were a new person to Patreon, if you were signing up through Patreon, you will be charged more money because Apple has added a surcharge. So if you sign up by just going through your browser to Patreon, you're

It will cost the normal amount. So this is our way of saying, if you do decide to sign up with us on Patreon, please go through your browser so you don't spend excessive money just to pay Apple. There's no need. If you've already signed up, if you're already a supporter, you're set. You're good to go. But for new supporters...

just use your browser instead of the Patreon app because it's through the Patreon app, assuming you got it through the Apple Store where you will find your issues. Really annoying. It's annoying that we have to add that on. But you know what? Thanks, Apple. Thanks for making all of our lives more annoying. Buttheads. All right, let's get on with Denise Richards and her wild things. It's wacky Denise Richards getting her another solo show, guys. Yeah. We are.

Here we are. What'd you think about it, Rani? I liked it. It's a little Kim Zolciak-ish, you know, not as trashy, but it's got kind of those vibes. Yeah, yeah. But I enjoyed it. It was interesting seeing her daughters because we really didn't see that much of her daughters. I kind of like how the trauma of the daughters has like spread out in different ways. Like you've got one daughter who's like, I'm OnlyFans now. And then you've got the other one who's...

like super religious. It's interesting watching how whatever has gone on in their lives has worked their way through two people in completely different ways. Uh, so that's pretty interesting to watch. Uh, I enjoyed it for the most part. I thought it was fun. Some fun camp. Yeah. There's some amusing parts in it. I mean, these types of shows are not really my jam. Generally speaking, like the, uh,

half an hour in the lives of a celebrity. It's kind of light and fun and silly, you know, you know, it was fine though. I mean, we, you know, I love Denise Richards, you know, I, I love that. She's just like, I don't care dog shit. I'll roll around and I don't care. But, um, uh, you know, like I would not say that these are shows are my jam when Bravo rolls these shows out like once per year, there's some sort of version of this, whether it's this, whether it's Kim Zolciak, whether it's like someone getting ready for a wedding, um,

But you know, this is fun. The answer. Okay. Well that, yeah, this I believe that back in the TV gasm or trash talk TV days, I recapped the original Denise Richards reality show. It's complicated. Yeah. And now I don't know if I did the whole thing or if I just did a couple episodes, but I remember getting really into that one because it was kind of boring, you know, she has this like weird relationship with her dad. There's that was, that was what that one was about. He's like, you're hot, honey, show it off or whatever.

I remember that one being a little odd, but it finally got good at the end when she bitched out a reporter who wasn't doing what she wanted. Like she lost her shit at them and then it got really good and then it was canceled. So I'm interested to see. I'm basically rooting for whatever reporter comes in and pisses her off because that was the best part of the last one.

Yeah. All right, well, let's start off with the first episode here. We see Denise like, here we go. And we see all these clips from the show and everything. And we just see lots of different things happening. You know, if someone wants to see my boobies, I'm like, fucking thank you. And then I'm just trying to balance everything. I'm an actress. I'm a wife. I'm, you know, I do the whole Hollywood thing. So they show all of her stuff. And then...

And we see her hugging Sutton because she's going to have guests. She's going to just, don't worry, it's not just her. It's also housewives and stuff. And then we see her daughters, Sammy and Lola. And Sammy's driving and Lola's like, you don't like bright colors. And she's like, yes, I do. Look at my nails. And she's like, yeah, I don't like bright colors. Jesus doesn't like bright colors. And she flips off her sister. It's going to be wild. I am a cool mom.

All right, like, hey, are we calling cuckoo birds? You know, being a parent in the public eye in Hollywood is really hard, especially when your mom and dad are Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen. By the way, Denise's voice has gotten more gravelly than ever. I was like, damn, Denise's voice is so gravelly that I actually went back and looked up a clip from Wild Things just to hear what her voice used to be like. And she was back then, she was like,

hi, can I get a ride, please? And she's like, hi, can I get a ride? I'm Denise Richards. I was like, this is a woman who's lived some life over 20 years. This woman has lived some life and she's had a nice pack of Marlboros through the whole thing, for sure. Yes. She's like, oh, yes, I guess you got a fucked up mommy and a fucked up dad and I got fucked up kids now. So I'm like, mama.

So it's wacky. She's like, I'm just trying to keep the family together. And these kids make it so fucking hard, you know. Then we get the theme song. So then the kids are driving and Denise is so excited she's going to get to see them. And they go to McMillan Ranch where they're meeting Aaron and Eloise. And guess why? They're going to get dogs, guys. Lots and lots of dogs.

Yeah. Yeah. We're going to get the babies. Let's go get the blondies. They're out here. So they go into this space where there's like all these golden retrievers just jumping around and everything. And Denise is like, can I sit down with them? And they're like, well, whatever you want. Aaron's like, you can do whatever you want. They're your dogs. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, hey, dogs.

All right, why do we have three golden retrievers? Okay, here's what happened. Okay, Sammy got a golden retriever, but then we found out that that golden retriever had a brother. So we wanted to get the brother, but then we got there and the brother had a sister and the sister had a brother and the brother had a cousin and the cousin. Well, here we are with three. The math doesn't make sense, does it?

Because didn't she say the brother had a sister, so we went to get the sister, and then the sister had a brother, so that's three. But then she mentioned another one. She's like, but then we found out that the brother had a sister. So you're just saving three of them and not the fourth one? What?

And then we found out that the brother belonged to Casper Van Dien, so we adopted him, too. So Casper's part of the family, too, now, which is exciting. Nice reunion from Starship. Yeah, I call Casper Van Dien Fartface. So, you know, that was good. So he's got that dog.

And so they're petting the dogs and the trainer's like, just now the trainer, hot. I mean, God, you gotta love LA because like every menial job is a hot person. It's like, just be careful when you sit down on this grass, right? I can't promise you there's not little landmines there. She's like, I don't care. Have you been to my house? It's one big dog poop as it is. I was married to Charlie Sheen. Sitting in shit was the least of the problems over in that household. Yeah.

So Aaron's like, well, which dog do you think shows any signs of anything for being a service dog? And so not only are they getting dogs, but one of the dogs is going to be a service dog for Eloise, who's special needs and has a chromosome...

She said, Denise tells us that Eloise, what, you know, we know from Beverly Hills, but she reminds us that Eloise was, they adopted her and wasn't until she was five that they discovered that she had a deletion on chromosome eight, which has caused development delays for their speech. And she's not hard of hearing, nor is she autistic, but she needs a service dog that will be a good match for her. Yeah.

Yeah, so they're asking who the primary caretaker is. She's like, "Me, not Lola." Lola's like, "Me sometimes when I'm not working. I'm doing..." Lola has the most sing-songy voice I've heard in quite some time. You have Denise Richards, who is the opposite. This is of a sing-songy voice. "Ah, Mary Lou Richards." And then Lola, every time Lola talks, it really is like, "Well, I think that I can maybe do that."

- Give it 20 years. - It's like a bird chirping. - Lola will be showing up like, "Now I have a mom, a famous mom." - I know. "Oh, the Lord does this for me." So Denise is like, "Lola works in a restaurant. She's a hostess and she lives at home." And I love her being home. I wish Sammy were still there though.

Yeah, so the trainer is like, okay, well, you guys need training on training dogs, right? She's like, yeah, that's going to happen. I got pregnant with Lola when Sammy was six months old, and I filed a divorce from their dad when I was six months pregnant. I would say Lola's like a fairy. She's soft, she's light, she's got Charlie face. And she's not your typical 19-year-old growing up. I mean, she doesn't even have a thong.

What bus did this kid come off of, right? I think that Lola is exactly a 19-year-old kid from LA because teenagers in LA are either, they're literally both of her daughters. They're either tatted up, going on OnlyFans, going to raves, or they're like Lola, which is that they've become born again, super Christian, going to Mosaic or whatever.

Like this is, this is so these kids are so LA, both of them together. Well, and it's also very Malibu, right? Because Malibu is a different animal. I mean, that's a completely different world living out there. I mean, that is kind of like living in the country in a way. They're so separated from stuff. Like you can tell like how they dress and stuff.

They're wearing little, you know, like cotton flower dresses and they're barefoot. It's very, yeah, it's very Malibu. Surfy. Yeah, very surfy. But yeah, there's so many of these kind of like teenagers that are in L.A. who are crazy born again. It's funny. People think of L.A. as this place.

The religion goes out the window and we're all heathens out here, but there's a very strong kind of like born again vibe that happens, especially from these like young actors were kind of like lost at sea. And they all kind of find community at these, like that, these like progressive churches, et cetera. Yeah.

Because it's like rebellion, you know? Like when you're young, you're more rebellious. And in LA, which is kind of a godless place, it is being a rebel to be a Christian. Absolutely it is. It's crazy. So it's like punk. You know, it's like punk rock. It's like, fuck yeah, I'm into Jesus now. Yeah.

So they get the dogs in the car and Denise just keeps going, oh my God, I'm so excited. I'm so excited, girls. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited to meet her for Denise. I was like, oh my God, this is hilarious how she keeps saying the same word. And then cut to this morning. Last night I stayed up making this like,

chocolate bar on my Instagram. And so I was documenting the entire process of making Dubai chocolate. So I had about like, I don't know, probably like 10 or 12 stories. So I was like, you know what? I'm going to make that into a highlight so people can see my Dubai chocolate making. And so as I'm assembling all these stories together, every single story starts with me going like this. All right. All right. Okay. Okay.

All right. I was like, oh God, I'm Denise Richardson right now. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. All right. All right. All right. We got this out. All right. We did this. All right. We did that. How'd that Dubai chocolate turn out? You know, it was okay. It was very good.

Like I'm definitely going to eat more of it. I made a few mistakes. The first thing is that I used Baker's chocolate because I was in a store and that was the only melting chocolate that they had. So I was like, oh, that'll be fine. Chocolate, chocolate. I'm not that chocolate, chocolate, but like this for this application of a candy bar, you know, this will be fine. So, but I actually think I should, I would have been better off using nicer chocolate. Second of all, I put too much chocolate in the mold. So it was, it was very thick.

Third of all, the filling, I mean, it was delicious, but you know, uh, it does take time to do this. It's like a little bit more time than I was expecting. I thought you just make the filling, melt some chocolate and just slather together and put it in the fridge, but it sort of took more time, but also, I mean, maybe it took time because I was also documenting it, but like as delicious as it was, the texture was great. It kind of just tasted like a fancy peanut butter cup. Like it was just kind of like,

peanut buttery kind of filling, even though it's pistachios, pistachio and you got the Katafi in there, which is shredded phyllo dough, which adds like really nice texture. Overall, it was like really tasty. I don't know if I feel compelled to do it again. It wasn't like this is out of control. This is a game changer. But I also have to hold space for the fact that it was my first time ever using candy bar molds. And I probably there's probably a lot of user error on my part. So it was a fun experience. Very messy.

and you know, I'll still eat it all. I'll eat it. Yeah, honestly, it's kind of like that. It's kind of like, this is good, get a peanut butter cup. Or get like a Hershey bar and just- - Or just go buy some dark chocolate. You know, some things it's worth just, like I was trying to perfect macaron for so long and I finally did and then I was like, but why? They sell them, like they now sell, they actually sell really good macarons at Costco.

You can get them anywhere now that are pretty decent. So I was like, fuck that. I'm going back. Yeah. If I saw a Dubai chocolate out in the wild, I would totally buy it. But I don't, I think that there's like something to be said for like, you know, there's like with a candy bar with a filling like that, you want like the thickness of the chocolate to be certain. There's actually a lot of subtlety that goes into it that I did not possess. And I think like a good hack would be just get like a really high quality chocolate bar, make the filling. The filling is easy to make.

And then just slather the filling on top of the chocolate bar, like a spread, and then take a bite. I think it'll be honestly just as good as just making the bars yourself. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. So then that's interesting because, you know, I'm not a big candy maker. So I wanted to know. So then we go over to talking about how to take the dogs out there. You know, they're already fighting about who's going to take the dogs out and the dogs have already pooped on the floor. So that's where we're at with it. And, you know, it's going to happen. You know, this house is just going to be full of dog poop and pee and these dogs are not going to get trained. I don't think that anybody in the audience was thinking, wow, there's a responsible family that's going to train dogs. Nope. Yes. They're just going to be pooping everywhere.

And Denise, by the way, tells us about her living situation, which is not unlike the way that she got these dogs. Whereas the dog was like, well, there was this dog and we found out I had a sister and then we got this. Here she says, well, Aaron's mom and dad and his brother came to stay with us, but it's been over three years. So we decided we need more space. So now we rented a townhouse. Then I rented another one. Then I rented another one. So now we've got three. One's an office. One's a studio. One's just a giant fuck dungeon.

So, you know, we have a lot of fun in it. The dog shit will stay in one house. We'll work in the other. You know, I'll get on that big penis in the other. It's a fun time over here at the Richards compound. Is anybody surprised that Aaron Pfeiffer's family are a bunch of fucking moochers who showed up, moved into their house and then refused to move out to the point that she had to go get a different place? Nothing about that surprised me at all. What fucking losers get your own house? You weirdos. Who does that?

Yeah, that is so strange. And like, why are they staying in the nice Malibu home while the rest of them are going to be in like a triple townhouse situation? Yeah, weird. So then they go to Pilates. Denise and Sammy go to Pilates. She's like, well, I found us a new place to go to Pilates because my Pilates trainer is doing a retreat in the Cayman Islands. And she goes, um, where's that? She's like, uh, it's in the Cayman Islands, honey. Fun.

So they walk in, they meet Sonya, she's like, "Well, I saw high intensity, I thought I'd come here." So Sonya's like, "Yeah, well, it's definitely gonna be high intensity, but we'll take it easy." Which I would never believe from a Pilates instructor.

So Denise continues talking and she says, well, Sammy's my firstborn. She's 20 years old and she's very confident. She's a confident young woman with bad tattoos. And it's just so interesting for me because when I moved to Los Angeles, I started acting when I was 20. So I see so much of her too, except for the whole acting and on the road to fame thing. But now I want, but now I know how my parents felt when I did certain things in my career.

Yeah. And we didn't even have subscription back then. So you can just imagine what she's doing. You know, Sammy, she's got a good career and some dead eyes. I'm just real proud of her. So then we just watched them do their Pilates and it's really hard for Sammy. She's like, oh my God, mom. Like, it's like hard to believe that you're not struggling. No, she's not struggling. She's been doing this shit for years. She's a pro. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I'm meeting with a modeling agency next week. Yeah, because I think I want to start taking that really seriously instead of OnlyFans. Like, once I have another job that I really like, then I would stop it. I'm like, well...

you also could just get a job it doesn't have to be a modeling job i mean go for it hey if you get signed then all the power to you but you know there's like modeling is not the only option for you outside of only fans is well i don't know only fans money is a specific kind of money like that's a lot of money you're not going to make that working at the ice cream shop and you're not going to make it modeling either so what's your last name scene i don't know to be honest

I don't know. I think those people working at Van Leeuwen probably earn a pretty penny based on how expensive that ice cream is. How much does she make on OnlyFans? Let's see.

$3 million. Sammy Sheen, 20, the daughter of actor Charlie Sheen and actress Denise Richards, has reportedly earned more than $3 million since launching her OnlyFans account after her... Alright, stay in OnlyFans. Don't even model. You're not even going to make that money modeling, by the way. That's what I'm saying. You're not going to make that money modeling. That's crazy. Yeah, OnlyFans it is. God damn. There was a market for moobs. I'd be rich, I tell you. Rich! Look at these things! It's time for a commercial.

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So if you, like me, want to easily find the right card for you, go to nerdwallet.com to get matched today. Terms and conditions apply. Credit products subject to lender approval. See nerdwallet.com for details. So she's like, yeah, it's just really hard reading all the messages. It's like, it's like a lot. Yeah, I was upset for you because I know what it's like starting in this business and having people say certain things. So I wanted to join. I just felt like I had to have your back.

This is amazing. So she's like, well, mom, I was kind of pissed that you made an OnlyFans. She's like, I was just trying to support you. She's like, mom, it's weird. She goes, no, because there were headlines that were making fun of Sammy. So I was like, I'm going to support my daughter. And I'll be on OnlyFans, too. I mean, what mother wouldn't do that for their child? Right? Right.

Denise Richards, it turns out her worldview is Costco. She's like, well, why get one when you can have three? It's like, so dogs, three dogs, three townhouses. Like, why is there only one of us on there? There should at least be two of us on there. Let's see if we can get Lola in next.

Oh, I love that. I wish my mom was like that. She's like, honey, I wanted to support you today. So I freaked myself on camera for some truck drivers. I'd be like, thanks mom. That is so sweet. I made sure it was in the news too. So don't worry about it. So this says, according to Denise Richards, as of March 29th, 2024, Denise Richards making $2 million monthly. Holy mother.

God. That's wild. That makes me so gel. Like, why can't I have something to sell for $2 million a month? What the hell? Well, you could, Ronnie. Only fans. You could still do it. No one's going to pay me that. I wouldn't make $5 on that thing. They'd pay me to turn my camera off. Maybe that's what I'll do. I'll just start naked and I'll just start putting clothes on the more money I get.

- Do something called accept fans. It's like, here, I'm gonna show news to everyone except fans. - So she's just being supportive, which is really funny. And she's like, mom, it's really hard explaining to my friends why my mom is on OnlyFans.

I love that being on OnlyFans isn't embarrassing, but when your mom is on, it is embarrassing. And by the way, I don't think there's any shame in going on OnlyFans. I just think it's funny that traditionally, the idea of going onto the internet and getting naked traditionally has been viewed as something like clutching your pearls. But she's like, oh no, I'm fine with that. I just don't want my mother doing it, which is hilarious. I was listening to some of the parents in my neighborhood talk, or maybe it was my sister telling me this, but

At the school here in Lakeway, there's apparently a mom who has on the back of her car in carpool. It says, come to my OnlyFans. She's written it on the back of her car as an advertisement for all the dads because it's like some hot mom. So all the dads in the carpool line go to her OnlyFans. I was like, that is so embarrassing for the kid, but also so fucking smart of that mother. So smart. Yeah, know your audience. It's the other dads. Other dads.

So Denise is like, well, you know, well, so, so Sammy's like, it's just like really hard to explain this to your friends. She goes, well, I get it. You have a lot of explain to do with your friends, with both your parents. Cause I really do. Yeah. But that's why we have a show. And she just looks at the camera. Like, am I right? Bravo. I keep giving a show. Sorry. By the way, I'm out earning you. So stop your bitching. Okay. I've got three townhouses and a Malibu mansion to pay for.

So now Denise is seeing Camille and this is like a different Camille because it's not glammed up Camille at all. It's just like regular daily Malibu Camille. I've never seen this other Camille in glasses. Weird. Yeah. Everyday Camille. Hi, thank you. So good to see you. I'm excited to catch up with you. Mwah. Mwah.

- Well, you know, Camille and Kramer and I became friends like 20 years ago, 'cause our husbands are sitcom actors and they were always up against each other, you know, 'cause you got Frasier, you got two and a half men, so boom, they became friends, we became friends. Like who won here? Who won here?

And so we have the X's and the L's together. So, hey, by the way, Camille, how old were you when you moved to Los Angeles? Hmm, let's see, I moved in 1997, so I was negative five years old. Okay, Camille, you don't have to play. We know how old you are. Well, I think I was like 26, 27 when I moved to LA, yeah, and I married Kelsey and...

when I was 28, this is a lot of talking. I wish there was someone to help me say how old I was. - You know, you moved here when you were 26, but then you married Kelsey when you were 28. But then you were married 14 years, but it was so rough on you when he left, because you were so devastated. - Devastated. - Because your whole world fell apart, right? - It fell apart. It was so upsetting.

And then the judgment from other people and being made out to be like this awful human. Yeah, I got it. I got it. Yeah, we just get tossed to the curb and God, how terrible the curb is. Anyway, so we get tossed to the curb with like a hundred million dollars. It was so hard. It's like, yeah, I'm never getting divorced again. Even if we hate each other, I'm saying, you know how much these fuckers will take from me? They've already got my fucking house. All right.

Yeah, it's not easy being married to me, Aaron. And he's like, no, it's not. And then she said it, and yeah, it's true. But you know, I know that. I'm not an easy person. He's like, yeah, I'm done. Yeah, I'm never getting divorced again. Even if we hate each other, I'm not getting fucking divorced. Okay, so deal with it.

He's like, I mean, look, if you insist on getting 5G again, fine. But we're getting different homes. You know, we'll just do something like that instead. But we're not going to hate each other. You know what I mean? I don't care if it means that I got big firearm on my back for the rest of my life. I am not getting divorced from this man.

They're so romantic. So Camille's like, by the way, you look just like so gorgeous. You know, last time I saw you, you were just frazzled coming off a boat in Positano. That was so rough. She goes, I know. Oh my God, I didn't even know where I was. Fucking Positano, that's right. Yeah, it was funny. You know, last time I was there was with the housewives. Fuck those bitches, am I right? And then we cut to her on her trip saying, this has been the worst trip I've ever been on in my entire life. And that is the truth.

So she's like talking about like, yeah, your kids were there in Positano. That's nice. Well, Lola would not come because her and Sammy are fighting and they're not speaking at all. Could you believe that she passed up Positano? Could you find whether it's just her or about some stupid boy?

Well, you know, I don't know the details of their fight, but Sammy's ex-boyfriend Lola's remained friends with them or something. You know, I mean, it's, I think it's Lola. I think it's Lola's ex-boyfriend. Sammy's been friends with him. Right.

- No, Lola has remained friends. - Sammy's ex-boyfriend. - You know what, 'cause Lola's like the sexier character name, right? Like in "Damn Yankees," the devil's assistant is Lola and she seduces people by being sexy. So I always think of Lola being the OnlyFans one, but it's not. Sammy's the OnlyFans one and Lola is like the super Christian-y one. I mean, this whole show is a mod fuck, am I right? - Mm-hmm.

So, and also Lolita, that too. Just want to add to the case. So Denise is like, well, you know, they're both young and I'm like, you're not, you're not planning on stuff to fight about in the future. This is nothing. So then Sammy tells us, the current beat between me and Lola started when I broke up with, not my last boyfriend, but the one before that. Wait, like, sorry, I shouldn't say before him, but like, I shouldn't, I shouldn't, I should say before that. I shouldn't, I should say before him. Not that. It's not nice to refer to men as that. Yeah.

Okay. So Lola's like, I mean, she always thought in her head that I wanted her boyfriend, but I didn't. Oh yeah. She's going to say that they've always been best friends, but I introduced them like he's one of my best friends, but they were talking about me behind my back. I mean, she expected me to just drop him because she dropped him, but like, he's still one of my best friends.

Breaking girl code, if you ask me, I would never do that to a friend, let alone my sister. Oh, whatever. You started dating one of her best friends. She should have been pissed at you for that, for taking her best friend away from her. You don't get to say that she can't be friends with someone anymore, especially since you moved on. Get over it. Team Lola on this one. Yeah, team Lola.

Sneaks like, well, I'm going to do a family barbecue. And by the way, I haven't even looked at this. Look, these are all the rules in Malibu. What we can and can't have at a barbecue in a park in Malibu. Oh, God, the rules of Malibu. Yeah, I can't believe it. It's a dictatorship. I mean, look at this. Malibu Party Food and Beverage Container Ordinance, otherwise known as MPUFPUP.

No balloons, no plastic, no meat or fish trays or egg cartons. - You can't have meat, fish or egg cartons? Come on. - That's odd. So, actually I think that they can't have the, it's the trays. I guess the trays, there's no plastic. They want no plastic on those beaches. - Oh, I thought she was saying you can't eat meat. The way she said it, she said, "No meat." What? - And she's like, "Wait, that's no meat?" - That's what I thought at first too.

And she's like, well, if I was a five-year-old, I'd be crying my eyes out if I had a birthday party in Malibu with no balloons. I mean, God, for Lola, we at least got her some strippers and they were wearing plastic, I'm pretty sure.

I mean, is chicken considered meat? What the hell can we bring? Yeah, because I thought it was definitely, when I heard it first, I thought they said no meat or fish. But then reading it back, it's like, oh, it's like no meat or fish trays. Like you can't have the... All right, no gas. That's what I say. Well, I grew up in Illinois and you can bring whatever the fuck you want to do a picnic back there.

Illinois, you show up to the picnic, you shoot a fucking cow, you cook it right there with a plastic utensil, all right? Fuck this place. You could just leave garbage everywhere because Trina was gonna come by soon and just wipe it all away. God's vacuum, we called it. So they go to this balloon store and Camille's like, why are we at a balloon store when the first thing on the list is no balloons? Yeah, well, I won't find something.

So she tells this lady, "Yeah, so we're doing a barbecue in Malibu, you know, #snowflakes, am I right? And the rules are just crazy. I mean, look, this is the material that we could use." She's like, "Okay, listen,

I had a balloon store on the West side of Los Angeles. This is not my first time at the radio. Okay. Let's see what we can do here. You're right. Cause this lady is like, I've worked in LA in service for a long time. So guess what we're going to do? We're going to treat this like a stupid fucking game. Okay. Let's go around all these meaningless laws. So they start to, and Denise is like, you can bring bamboo forks and knives and straws made out of sugar. What the fuck is that going to do? Yeah.

It's called eco party wear. I mean, one of them says 100% natural. Jeez, motherfucker. Shit. Bullshit. I don't even know people in this town that are 100% natural anymore. What the fuck is this? Implants at home, too. So Denise is like, I don't think they're going to know that's plastic. I mean, do they even know what they're going to see as plastic? They got a plastic police. What if I tell them it's sugar? It's a fork made of sugar. Stupid fucking idiots.

So she gets those forks and knives that are painted with silver. So they look like they're actual silver. And she's like, you know what? Screw it. Let's just do this. All right. Do you got bamboo cups or sugar cups? What do we drink out of fucking sugar cups now? I mean, come on. And she's like, yeah, you drink it. Then you eat the cup. She's like, fuck it. We're buying plastic.

Actually, I've been on an all-cup diet for about three weeks now. It's really wonderful. Terrible for my diabetes, though. It's actually inspired by Native American traditions of eating the whole animal, so we just eat the whole cup as long as it's a sugar cup. You know, my high PS got way worse when I finished that Diet Coke can, but you know, it is what it is.

So Denise and Aaron arrive at a park in Malibu and they're setting up stuff. And Denise is like, you know, when the girls were younger, we would do barbecues at the house every Sunday. Just brings everyone together. It'd be the girls, it'd be Charlie, it'd be a line of prostitutes. Just a fun night for everything. Gotting Aaron's parents there, just taking home everything that's not bolted down. His brother stayed there a whole night trying to get the picnic table up. So that was something. Yeah.

So this is their big wacky family all together. And she's like, here's all our bamboo shit, plastic ass plates bullshit. I'm gonna eat your crap out of that. I mean, I didn't know if people were watching us. Are they gonna arrest us? Who knows? It would be entertaining to get arrested because I had bought a plastic fork that I was trying to make look like stainless steel. This is fucking ridiculous.

All right. Okay. So people are showing up. So their nephew, Al shows up with his wife, Lena, and then his parent, of course, Aaron's parents show up, like you said, with the Tupperware. And then it's always been one, you know, I've always been, you know, the more the merrier, you know, that's my, that's my mindset when it comes to barbecues, townhomes and golden retrievers. Okay. So the more the merrier everyone hop on in. Yeah. So Brooke is also there. Charlie's ex-wife, like

They're really a blended family. She's like, "Yeah, I wanted to include Brooke, Charlie's other ex-wife, 'cause you know, hey, Brooke, I wish you were still at that unit. I rented three of them. I rented three. We could still be in the same unit together." She's like, "Oh, wow. Sounds great, Denise."

There's a lot of history there. I mean, her son is my daughter's brother's, and we're just a big blended family. Look, here comes Brooks Gardner. We love him. He does great work. We never hired him, but it's a big family. Oh, wait. Also, everyone, this is Saul. He works at the Hertz down by LAX. Used him once about two years ago. I just want to make sure everyone's involved. All right.

"Hey, where's Lola at?" So Lola comes late and makes a plate. So Al, the husband, not the husband, the uncle, who's all tatted from head to toe, his face is like a dollar sign or something. He's like, "So, what's going on with you guys?" She's like, "With who? With Sammy?" He's like, "Yeah, you guys are beefing over a dude." She goes, "I mean, she can just not let it go. Turn the other cheek, am I right?"

So Denise goes up to Brooke. She's like, Brooke, Brooke, I love your hair. She's like, yeah, I went blonde. Yeah, I love it. So by the way, the reason why I wanted to do a family environment is because Sam and Lowell have not spoken for a long time and they were always really close. And then a year ago we saw that they like love each other. They like, she's like, yeah, like we're really close. Like, I don't like.

you even want to admit it. Yeah, she like calls me like eight times a day. Yeah, I think we're just like always going to be that way. Like we're like very, very, very close. Like no matter what happens, I know my sister's going to come in and draw eyebrows on me. Because it looks like you don't have any eyebrows.

Because in the clip, Lola had done that thing where she bleached her eyebrows. That is a look, I'm sorry, I could just not ever get behind that look. Some looks people do and I don't get it because I'm just old and out of it. But then I get used to it. This look, I just can't. Every time I see someone with that, I'm like, who tricked you into doing that? Why would you do that? Yeah, seriously. Yeah.

So Brooke is like, she's like, well, I don't know what it is about siblings because sometimes just being complete opposites. You know, Bob is more of an introvert like Charlie and Max needs a playmate and wants to do something. Well, I don't know who these names are that you're talking about, but I'm glad he came to the picnic. No plastic, by the way. They're my children, Denise. Are they made out of meat? Because they're not allowed on this fucking park. Yeah.

Watch out, the dictator of Malibu's gonna harass you for having kids with legs. So Al is talking to Aaron, and he's having that manly talk where he's like, wow, as a man that's in the same family as me, us men don't really have any say with these women, these women folk. And Aaron's like, oh, you found that out, did you? Why do you think I'm standing over here by myself putting lids back on food? Okay, fucking welcome. Welcome to being a man. God. Hey.

Sorry, go ahead. So then Denise is talking to Eloise and being like, hey, did you see there's a squirrel? And then Denise is like, you know, this is the longest day of those. My daughters have gone through something like this. I think they just need to be done with it. So she sits them down at a picnic table. She's like, okay, girls, we need to work through this. Okay, we've got as far as I can see about 10 minutes before the Malibu police crack down on this plastic parade. So come on, let's hash it out.

We would only be successful if someone here was capable of holding themselves accountable. But I think also she can not cuss me out and be respectful. Yeah, can you do that? Can you not cuss her out and be respectful? It's your fucking sister over there.

"The way you speak to me is like so rude." It's like, "Well, I wouldn't speak to you like this if you weren't such a bitch dude." "Okay, well don't call her dude. She's your sister. I want you guys to repair your relationship." "Well, I don't want to do that." "Oh, it's like, I don't want to do that. Cause like, why do you have to force it, mom?" "I'm not forcing anything. I'm just trying to make something happen. Okay. Mom's always on Sammy's side."

Yeah, Lola says some crazy shit and I feel like she always gets aware with it because she's like a little sister. I mean, it's just like two against one all the time. I just feel like I'm still holding a grudge against that. So she's like, oh my god, guys, I'm really into this, but the chain on my purse is stuck in this goddamn picnic table. I can't get it out of the... Oh god, it's Aaron's mother under the picnic table holding onto the chain. Go on my purse, you old bat. You already got my fucking house.

Denise has a knife and she's just shoving it in there trying to get this purse free from her. She's like, okay, listen, you're dumb, you're dumb, you're both dumb, you're two young twits. Now stop fighting because I got a purse stuck in the slats.

So they're like, we're just one big happy family. All right. You guys just keep talking. All right. You guys just, all you, all we need to do is you keep talking. Jesus Christ. God, do I worry that my parenting is fucked up? My kids? Of course I do. You know, but you and your sister are going to get through it and say, no, we're not mother. No, we're not. It's like, all right, can we just say, fuck it and move on? God.

Let's just like move past the question. Okay, well I think I just made it worse. Ha ha ha. And scene. ♪ Commercials ♪ ♪ Here comes one right now ♪ - In the 1980s, a rose swept the country.

Hey Mike, I really like this White Zinfandel. Well good, good. Now put it down, I'm gonna try another one. White Zin became America's top-selling wine. But most don't know that this sweet drink has a sour history. What began in 1986 with counterfeit bottles... A big fraud. A multi-million dollar fraud.

sent investigators chasing one of the most powerful families in the business, the Lichardis. But the closer the feds got to them, the more dangerous things became. It's a story of deceit. At the time, I was paranoid. Threats. You touch my kids, I will kill you. And murder. With a .22 caliber bullet to the head. What started with a scheme to mislabel wine spilled into a blood-soaked battle for succession.

Welcome to Blood Vines. You can binge listen to Blood Vines exclusively and ad-free on Wondery Plus. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify. At 24, I lost my narrative, or rather it was stolen from me. And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. And I was like, I don't know what to do.

I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours. Something you possess is lost or stolen, and ultimately you triumph in finding it again. So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks, both recognizable and unrecognizable names, about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph.

My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank up. They connected with the people that I'm talking to and leave with maybe some nuggets that help them feel a little more hopeful. Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.

- Now episode two, spelling it all out. - Get it, 'cause Tori's spelling is on the episode. Executive producer Lisa Vanderpump magic. - We open with Lola and Denise being interviewed. Lola, have you seen any of your mom's past work? - Well, I mean, I saw one movie. It was called "Drop Dead Gorgeous." - Wait, that's the only movie you've seen of mine? I mean, come on.

Yeah, really? But you never let me watch any of them, Mom. Yeah, but you're older now. She's like, well, until I got older, but now I just don't want to watch it. So you don't want to watch? She's like, it's weird. I like watching the stuff you do. You know I was a Bond girl. That's the most exciting thing that ever happened to me. Yeah, but I don't even know what that means. Is that like gold bond? What does bond mean? I don't know what this is. I'm really into Jesus now. I'm not watching your movies. God damn it.

So now we go to the studio and she's like, oh, shit balls. God, just working out feels good though. They're doing that thing where they're like, oh, I'm...

Yeah. Like they're having sex, but they're working out, guys. Oh, my God. I fall for it every time. I always think they're having sex. She's like, I remember Erica Jane. She touched your lats when we were at a premiere. Do you remember that? And she was like, Aaron, you got really good lats. That was before she accused you of being abusive or whatever. You remember that, honey? He's like, I don't remember. I cut those people out. Fucking chopped them in half. Fuck those people.

Well, I would remember if it were me. I mean, I was actually impressed she pointed out your lats. I mean, I'm just trying to get mad at Erica a little bit here. You want to join in a little bit? Do I have good lats? All right. We'll talk about your lats instead. Yeah, you've got amazing lats. Thanks. Well, what did you notice when we started dating? She's like, you're a dick. You're a big dick. You got a huge dick. I saw it through your pants.

The first thing I saw, the first thing I was like, wait, that bothers you, Aaron? Are you really upset that you got a huge motherfucking hedgehog down there? He's like, no, no, it's just...

It doesn't bother me. It's just like, well, what would you rather me say? You know what? The thing that I didn't fucking notice was a small ass penis. Come on. Okay. Beggars can't be choosers. Be happy. God, now you got me thinking about your penis. Great. I forgot what I was even talking about. Jeez. Oh, so, um, she's like, you know, basically they just work out. So then we are pretty laughing at the noise. He made. Oh, Denise's voice is so funny to me.

So now they're still talking about the daughter's fighting and she's like, I think I made it worse. Like, what do I do now? He's like, what about AI? Oh, sorry. What about Al? Well, actually, AI would probably be better.

So we see a flashback to the picnic and oh, we already saw that. And so Denise is like, well, my F you Al, he's kind of like a big brother to the girls. He lived with me on and off for a few years ago. You know, I think it'd be great because Al, you know, he's been through a lot of shit, you know, you know, he struggled with drug addiction on and off for quite a few years. So he fits right in. And this is the longest stretch I have seen him really clean and healthy. It's, you know, I'm proud of him. I'm looking forward to him getting another hello kitty tattoo on his cheek.

You know, I really love Al. One time, he stole a bunch of my handbags and he was dumb enough to post it on Instagram and to say I'm the new Louis Vuitton rep. I mean, what a fucking idiot. God, I love that kid.

Got it. I was so mad. I was so mad at him. I actually went and drove down to all these different pawn shops and found my handbags. But, you know, it's just stuff. It's just friends, you know. But at the same time, though, when you find your bag in a pawn shop, you spend all that effort, and then it gets only for it to get stuck into a slat in a picnic table. You're going to get out a knife and fix that thing. That's why you have to bring plastic. Because guess what? A sugar cane knife is not going to free your handbag from a slat.

Family's family. And they start laughing. So he's like, is it hot in here? Because I'm fucking sweating my balls off. She goes, babe, can I see you sweating your balls off? And now we see Tori spelling at lunch with Denise.

Tori Spelling, so excited to be back on TV. You know she is because she comes bounding into this restaurant. She's like, I'm here. I'm here. Put me on TV. I'm ready. She's like, oh, hey, what's going on? You look good. Really? I'm trying on a Dorit face. Oh, yeah. No, I really like the way it looks on you. Well, I hope you don't mind, but I have to make this kind of quick. I'm double parked in the van that me and the kids are living in outside. So let's just get some appetizers. Also, can we get some chips to go?

Real quickly, this is there are no flat tops here because I'm a little traumatized from Benihana. No, don't worry. And if you were there were one, we make sure to put a seatbelt on you. Thank God for Tori Spelling. I think of that headline Tori Spelling falling into the grill at Benihana every time I see Tori Spelling. Every time. That must have been awful. Truly awful. But it is also hilarious in, you know.

from a macro point of view so the first time i met tori was on beverly hills 90210 and then tori and i would just see each other at different events or shoots that we had we we actually got to know each other i would say in the last 15 years um just so you know there's about probably six more episodes of the series to come and every day every episode i'm gonna introduce someone with the exact same backstory yeah well you know i met them about 20 years ago and we just see each other around now we're friends

Two for two so far. So the waiter's like, okay, so what can I get you? And she goes, do you have bread? Her spelling's like, do you have bread? He goes, would you like garlic bread on it? She goes, no, because I might see a boy in the next year. Just bring bread. Do you have loaves of bread? Put that in there. Also, you see that double parked van out there? Just kind of slip it through the cracked window. Just slice it real thin.

"Oh, so you're single now, you have a date?" She's like, "No." "Oh, well, I think your divorce came at a great time." "Yeah, it was the right time." - Yeah, so Denise is like, "Yeah, Aaron's the only person I've ever been with that can screw a fucking light bulb in, goddamn." So they're laughing and Tori's like, "Yeah, I can't imagine Charlie trying to put in a light bulb. Like how many hookers does it take to get a light bulb in?" Right?

It actually takes three. We know the answer to that, unfortunately. By the way, I think it was a little bit more. I think I was a little bit more handy than Charlie was. I mean, he's a fucking pussy. He's the one who wants those sugar cane knives. You know, I grew up with my father who could build houses, you know, by the way, how is your dad? He's good. He's good. I'm going to tell him you said hi, you know.

You know that a hairdresser a long time ago wanted to set my dad up with your mom. Can you imagine Candy and Daddy together? Oh, God. She's like, I know she heard that. So he's still banned pretty much from the town. So I hope you get to see your dad again soon. He's still on a no-fly list. But, you know, he was too intimidated to ask around. She's like, oh, my God, that's how I feel when I'm asking for help with rent. I get it. She's a terrifying woman. You know what would be fun?

You know what would be fun is if your dad marries my mom, then you would probably get my inheritance instead. That's fun. That's fun. Probably Candy would be like, oh my God, welcome to the family, darling. Here's all of Tori's money. I'm like, dad, please. I mean, how great would that be? We could be stepsisters, you and me. She's like, oh my God, that's a show. We could be stepsisters. And I do like a little graphic jokey thing. And Tori's like, no, no, I know. I want this to be a show. Can we make this happen? This could be my way back.

Yeah, I'm back, girls. I'm back. So it's like, here's your new single life, all right? Meeting someone with a big penis you can have fun with. Oh, and anal sex, too. I want to listen to your podcast. You talked about anal sex.

Oh my god, I didn't even mean to start it on the podcast. You know, I was talking about anal sex with William Shatner, as one does, and I mean his voice was just saying something like, oh, you touched the clitoris, and I was like, whoa, this is mind-boggling, but I am so here for it. So now, anytime I get anal sex, I only think of William Shatner. It's so hot.

And then you look at the comments, she goes, "Oh God, don't look at the comments. You should know better than that." She goes, "I can't help it, you know, they're like, 'Your daughters are gonna read this.' Oh, come on. Yeah, that's a good thing. That's why I didn't teach my kids to read." - That's the thing. You just have kids that are just wildly illiterate and you don't have to worry about this bullshit.

You know, when we were on the tabloids, you know, back in the 15 and 20 years ago days, when we were on the tabloids, the girls were too young to even read them. And I just wanted our home to be a sanctuary, which is why I installed three sex swings in every single room. But, you know, now that they're older, you know, when they'll look back, they'll be like, wow, mom, she was her true, authentic self. And I really applaud her for that. And I'm sure that my two daughters, as we've seen, who are very introspective, are definitely going to say that about me someday. Yeah.

And, you know, they're getting older and they're like, mom, why don't you tell me this? And I said, well, what am I going to say? You girls are young. You know, what am I supposed to tell you the truth? Come on. By the way, I'm excited for your new show. I was kind of like, hey, how come she hasn't asked me to be on there? Does she even want me to be in there? Oh, my God. Will you come on my podcast? Yeah, of course I will. Thanks for asking me. I just had to twist your arm, stupid fucking friend.

So she's like, I'm jealous of you. And it's true because I was on and off with Pat Muldoon. You know, actually, I call him. And at the same time, she goes, sweet babe. And she goes, yeah, I call him fuck face. You call him fuck face? No, I call him sweet babe. That's hilarious. Let's call him. Let's call him right now. You know what America calls him? Who? This little joke I have with my daughters. Patrick Mulhoon. Get it? Yeah.

- He was so fucking hot. Oh my God, Patrick Muldoon was the hottest guy. - Patrick Muldoon is like, you know how sometimes you hear people talk about hot people in the '70s? Like they'll be like, oh, this person, like Leif Garrett or whatever. And you're like, I've heard about this person, but I don't really understand their cultural impact. Patrick Muldoon is like that. Whereas he didn't really have his, you really only know about him if you were around in the '90s, right? And like, if you were,

Post '90s, you have no idea who Patrick Muldoon is. But if you were around in the '90s, Patrick Muldoon was so fine. Yeah, he was so cute. I knew him because I would skip school and go watch Days of Our Lives at my sithi's house, my grandmother's house. And they would always be watching the NBC soaps, which were Days of Our Lives and Another World, and then sometimes Sunset Beach when those other ones came on, or Passions.

But those were my main ones, Days of Our Lives in Another World. And Lisa Rinna was on there. She came on playing Billy, the role of Billy, and Patrick Muldoon was her brother. And oh my God, he was so fucking hot. They never found another...

guy as hot as him to play that. There was this whole world of these hot actors who were on like soaps and Baywatch and things like that. Or like the run syndicated shows on like, you know, that'd be on at like 1130 at night or something. And it was like Patrick Muldoon. It was David Chokachi. It was the other David from Baywatch, Chavere or something like that. There were just all, and then there are all those guys that were on passions. Uh,

The guys on passions and there were some days of our lives guys. Oh, they were just, and they're all these, just like this tier of soap, soap stars or like bit players on nineties, like unlike Melrose place for nine out to a no, that just kind of stayed in that realm. And then the two thousands came and I don't know what happened to them. Maybe they all do Hallmark movies now, but to know them is to love them. Yeah. So they call Patrick,

And she's like, "Sweet babe, I'm here with Tori." And Tori's like, "Oh, she doesn't believe the name we call each other. Can you tell her?" He's like, "Fuck face." I was like, "Yeah." I told her I was so jealous 'cause you and I were hooking up and whatever the fuck, and you know, you told me at one point you couldn't do it anymore 'cause you were dating Tori. I mean, what the fuck?

He's like, you know, T, I don't really remember the 90s, but I remember both of you. But outside of that, I don't remember a watch. Okay. Well, we love you. It's like the only time you're remembered. That's when you need to pay attention.

Tori's like, I feel validated that you said that we dated. We did on my part. But I don't think that you felt that way about me. He's like, yeah, I love you. I don't know who's calling, by the way. All right, bye, sweet face, or whatever your fucking name is. And Tori's like, that was life-changing. Like, a man stopped dating Denise Richards for me? Oh, my God. You're really fucking rich then, Tori. Don't forget. Pre-daddy death.

Story's like, "I always wanted a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, but I'm fine with this. But also, this was my way, now that I'm on this platform, for a few seconds to say, 'Could I please have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, please? Thank you so much.'" Yeah. "Oh, hey, that bus has left the station." "God, Denise!" "No, there's a bus sitting over there." "That's my car! My kids are in there!" "Oh, shit. Let's go get it."

I did hear there was some talk about adding a walk of fame to the bus station, though, and I will accept a star there as well. Port Authority, call me. So now we get an intercut scene of the kids, what the kids are doing.

So over at Sammy's apartment, Sammy's like loose living friend Leah comes and she's in like a glitter bikini and she's like, "Oh my God, I feel like we're always late for raves, me and you." She's like, "Yeah, we could like, we'd like only have like 20 minutes to get ready. I mean, how long does it take to put on a fucking glitter bikini? Am I right?" And you know what they say about raves? You always have to be on time for a rave. I mean, talk, I mean, that is one place where tardiness is not allowed, a rave.

They're like, sorry, we can't let you in. Okay. You're too late. We demand responsibility. Follow all the rules at a rave. And then Lola's house, she's got her friends, Riley and Nick coming over and everybody's very Christian. And I think very new Christian. Cause they all look like they've just been drugged. They're like, yeah, it's like so wonderful to see you, man. You're like, there's like an aura of the Lord shining around you right now.

And we don't really even know that they're super Christian at this point. They're just seem like gentle folk. And so Sammy's like, oh my God, we're putting on black lipstick because we don't want to be late for the rave. Oh my God. Oh my God. Colors, colors. Oh my God. Okay. What are the alerts? It's like, okay. Code green. If someone's yakking. Yeah. No. Code green is weed. Oh, okay. What's code? What's yakking color? Color. Code ochre. Okay. Code ochre. And code green is if it's a weed smell. Oh my God. No. Code red is vomit. Ew. Vomit. Ew. Gross. And he's like, ew.

Hey, do you guys want some water? Yeah. I don't need no water, thank you. Back to Sammy. Oh, fuck! We should have brought Narcan! The fuck, man? And Sammy's like, don't worry, they've got Narcan there.

And then we went back to the town. Lola, she goes, so I had a talk with Sammy and she's like, not going to see me the way I see her without the Lord. And like working on her heart. I was like, Oh, okay. She's a, she's a teenage born again in Hollywood. God. But she's not only like a born again, she's a, she's like a born again, born again, born again. Like there's been like births within births within births of born again. Cause she is talking about, she starts from this point on,

She's talking about nothing but the Lord. Yeah. And she's like super LA born again too. Cause I saw a clip or a news thing the other day when I was looking for crappy hour stories and it was like, uh, Lola Denise's daughter has been baptized in a private ceremony. I was like, Oh really? If there's a, if it's a private ceremony, why do you guys have like fucking professional pictures from 10 different angles? Yeah.

And it's like this big, clear vat of water. It's like, it's very Hollywood. The whole thing. I was cracking up. I was like, they didn't have to do it how we did it. I did it. They just take you out to the fucking Rio Grande, hold you by the ankles and shove you under. Grand. They don't really. I think I was done in a fountain.

like a, they have like a little bowl of church. So Lola is like, you know, a lot of people say it's surprising that I'm a woman of God, but I actually saw an article that said Lola and Apple that fell, uh,

apple that fell far from the tree or something but like sometimes i get like super amped up when i'm talking to my mom and sammy so i called my dad for a while and he like really helped me he's like so good at like helping my brain because like i don't know he's so logical famously charlie sheen logical you know my dad like he would help me a lot with christianity you know jesus had hookers for friends too

Cut back to the other girls. Like, is this lip, is this supposed to, is this supposed to burn? Is this lip stain supposed to burn? Because my lips are burning up so badly right now. God, fuck this shit. Back to her. She's like, we're just like so different from each other. I mean, like, how cool, how cool is this strainer, you guys? Like, I have a strainer. It strains things. That was my favorite cutaway. When Sammy's like, okay, are you ready to go to the rave? God,

guys how cool is this strainer because i know i would be that person saying guys check out this strainer because i still do that and they're both saying all we have in common is our parents it's like dun dun dun so next like so what'd you do today lola well i woke up

Okay, that's a good start. And then I talked to the Lord, and all day I woke up and I'm like, "I'm going to go to the beach." But it was so gloomy, but I was so upset, because I swear God told me to go. So I did. And then I saw this couple, and they were having the prettiest light-up picnic. So I think God was telling me, "I'm going to have that someday." That was my sign that I got from Jesus today.

You know what? You also learned a valuable lesson, which is that just because God tells you to go to the beach doesn't mean that he's guaranteeing the weather. Okay. Yeah. There'll be clouds. Okay. You should appreciate it. Relationships too. Yeah. By the way, appreciate the beach, whether it's sunny or not. Okay. It's the beach.

I love that she's like, I could have sworn God told me to come here. She's literally acting like she made plans with her friend to have coffee and it was like a Tuesday and not a Thursday. I could have sworn today was the day we were going to meet. I also love her version of God. She's like, God, what do you want from me? He's like, go to the beach. You know what? Let me tell you what the world is doing right now. Taking care of itself. Not a fucking problem in the world. Just go chill at the beach. You're too gorgeous. Don't do anything for poor people. Go to the beach.

Get a strainer. Get a new strainer. Okay? You're drinking too much pulp. She is going to be the person that says, Oh, sorry I'm late for my shift at the restaurant. Just God told me that I should probably sleep in an extra half an hour. So Denise is like, Oh, Jesus, I was the one who fucking raised you Catholic. Why are you acting like you just found God? I mean, geez, your sister went one way and you went this way. But I took you to the spot. Okay? I took you to the spot.

God damn. So then Leah and Sammy, now they like do like a photo shoot outside because it's like a pre-read photo shoot. And Sammy's like, I would say in the past year, religion has been like very, very important to Lola. Let me just also add. So Lola's like, yeah, God understands me. And that's like all that matters really. Except that like,

It'd be cool if you told me what the weather was before I went all the way out to the beach, but like, it's okay. It's cool. And my friends are like, yeah, man, that's so great. Yeah. And he has my back. He's like my armor. Ow. I just got stung by a mosquito, but I'm not going to be a doubter about it.

yeah, I'm just like a woman of God. And so then Sammy's like, people who haven't been to a rave don't realize that like, what I'm wearing right now, this is like actually too much clothes. And Leah's like, yeah, it's modest. Yeah, Leah, don't talk. It's my show. Okay. We've seen a butthole out, nips out. I feel like this is like conservative. Yeah.

Thank you much, Jesus, for my beautiful friends, for being able to come over here and eat tacos on Taco Tuesday. And then they just stand there over the counter awkwardly eating these tacos. Ask God for a table. Go sit down. Dear God, thanks for naming tacos tacos. That way when you eat them on Tuesday, it's like a fun thing to say Taco Tuesday. Thanks, God. Thank you for giving us a day of the week with a hard T.

Thank you for giving us a day of the week where it's more fun to eat tacos. Cause like on Thursday, technically they're both teas, but it like doesn't hit the same cause like it's not a hard tea. Thanks so much, God. I am dead. And then cut back to the other girls taking like pictures in their bikinis on the balcony. They're like, yes, yes.

- Amen. So then we see Sammy going to meet up with Al. Oh no, she's just driving and Al calls her. He's like, "What's up, beautiful?" That's also very LA. Everybody that you talk to is like, "Hey, beautiful. Hey, beautiful. Hey, beautiful. Hey, beautiful." That's all Al ever says before he fucking steals your entire closet.

So he's calling them both. And Al's like, so I just talked to your mom. It's kind of why I'm calling. Do you guys happen to have that handbag I sold you when I was a quote unquote Louis Vuitton rep? Yeah, your mom's still pretty mad at me about that. Anyway, but I also heard like what's going on with you guys together. And like, I don't know. I want to get you guys back together. You open to that. And Sammy's like, I mean, I'm just warning you. Like it might turn into a huge fight. So I don't know.

So the girls agree to go. And meanwhile, Denise does a podcast sesh with Tori Spelling, who's doing her podcast from a bed, which is very popular now. A lot of people are doing that bed podcasts.

Well, you know who really was a pioneer in terms of bed content? Padma Lakshmi. What? No, you know who was a pioneer of the fucking bed podcast? Ronnie Karam. Do you remember when I bought that hospital bed? Well, they're called adjustable beds, but at the time I called it a hospital bed and it went up and down. And I bought a mic stand to come over the bed.

and it would come into my face in the bed. And then I had like a whole iPad on the hospital table that I could swivel to and from me. I did watch what crap and from bed for like a long time.

Don't you remember? That was great work. I was going, I was personally going to do a call back to when Padma and Nigella Lawson got into a bed and had chefs serve them in Vegas. Like, please bring us breakfast. This is stupid. And she throws the omelet at the wall. Oh, they wish they attached. They even attempted my glamour in my bed.

This is a pretty glamorous time for watch what crap and this guys. So, um, now Denise is going to do this podcast and, uh, they're hugging and stuff and Tories like, yeah, it's in bed. Cause like my first episode I was announcing my divorce and I was just like, so nervous. And I sat on the bed and I was like, let's just do it here. Also, there weren't really any other rooms or chairs because that's good. How about that?

Okay, we don't do any intros for the show. We'll just start talking because my kids are out in that van. So anything that we don't have to include, we'll just, we just need to like get back to that van. So she's like, hi, honey. How are you doing? Can we talk about OnlyFans? Yeah. Okay. Well, I thought you were going to fucking join it, by the way. Why didn't you join OnlyFans? I mean, like, what the fuck are you waiting for, Tori? She's like,

Well, they have a moratorium on people who have fallen into hibachi grills. I don't know. It's unfair, but it's just something you deal with in the industry. As a hibachi person, you deal with it. You know, you get used to it. Yeah. Yeah. I'm working out a deal with Only Grills. Yeah.

This is sort of a spin-off thing. I don't give a fuck. I'm going to do OnlyFans. You know why? You want to see my tits? They're already out there. Google them. You know what I mean? You're going to pay me money. I mean, I've done Playboy. All right? So my tits are there. Your tits are out there, right, Tori? She's like, no, they're not. Ah, poor thing. Well, you know, someone will ask one day. Don't worry. Hugh Hefner is still with us. Am I right? No, he's not. Oh, my God. Hugh. Hugh.

So, have you had sex with Dean, by the way? She's like, "Um." You don't have to answer that one. I mean, you can answer it, you can cut it out afterwards if you don't want it out there, am I right? Hey, let's call it fuck face again. That's what you call them, right? I call them smooth dunes. And Tori's like, "I did." And Denise goes, "I love it. She's open and honest." I was like, "Ooh, yeah, big. Big and Kyle."

And no matter what the circumstances are, you know, it's not easy going through a divorce. Aaron and I went to dinner with you guys and that wasn't long after. She goes, that was our last date was with you and Aaron. You know, Aaron told Dean about the whole 5G conspiracy. I refused to get rid of my Verizon plan and Dean left. So, yeah, thanks. It was tough. Thanks for that.

And you still didn't put your tits out there? Geez. Well, it's hard enough going through divorce no matter who you are. But Charlie and I went notoriously went through one of the most public Hollywood divorces, which is my way of saying, Tori, you better buck up because you didn't go through the rodeo that I did. Okay, I was on the cover of a tabloid for two years straight every single fucking month. Tori's like...

Oh, my dream. Well, yeah. Well, I don't know. I know there's not a lot of tabloids now, but back then they were a lot. But it was it was not easy to worry. Why are you crying right now? Why are you crying? Hmm. Tori's like, OK, before you leave, we're going to play a game where we all leave the host. Twenty dollars. Now we go to Neptune's net, which is home of where Jax proposed to Brittany. Also a Krappens listener. I believe one of the people who works there is a Krappens listener.

And so we have Al who's there and he's like, you know, Lena, my wife, I'm not worried about talking to them. They're sisters. They're going to figure it out. But if we can lead a horse to water, I'm pretty sure the horse can also lead us to some handbags. So keep an eye on that horse. Listen, if all goes to shit, we know at least one of these girls is going to have the code to Denise's house. We need to keep on the good sides. Let's make them talk.

So the girls come and they make small talk and Al's like, all right, let me just break this off. You guys, you know, I love you guys. You're both beautiful. You know, I did say hi, beautiful to both. I meant it. It's great to have you together. Who wants fried shrimp? And Lena's like, yeah, like finding a resolution right now. It's like, you know what? We just want to like find where you're comfortable. And that's where it's at, guys. That's like where it's at.

So he's like, "Okay, do you not agree that you love your sister and you just want her to treat you in a different way?" "Yeah, and I've told her that. I love her a lot. I wish she would just talk to me." Sammy's like, "Okay, why are you saying that to Al? I'm right here." Yeah. And so they start doing their girl fighting. They're like, "Oh my god, why are you so mean to me? Why are you mean to me? Why are you mean to me? Why are you mean to me? But why?" And so they start fighting about the guy.

And she's like, "Well, look, you came to my friend group and you took my friend and dated him for a year and I wasn't allowed to talk to him. And that affected our relationship because like you got jealous all the time when he would talk to me. And that was my friendship before you even dated." She's like, "Well, I wasn't comfortable with you being touchy with him." She's like, "But..." You guys were flirting. There's a line. She's like, "I would never be touchy with anybody. That's just not who I am."

Unless the Lord told me to. Like, maybe he'd tell me to go to the beach and then, like, I can touch someone. I don't know. So he was like, are you going to, like, hang out with him, though? She's like, well, when all my friends are hanging out with him, like, what do you want me to do? Like, run away when he's, like, there? Yeah, I literally want you to run away. She's like, I asked her if she could stop hanging out with my ex because I thought that was really weird. And then she chose him over me and still does. Yeah, I would, too. She's...

My opinion is already on record, but I think she's full of shit on this one. Yeah, I agree with this. So then Al's like, okay, pause. And Luna's like, in the spirit of getting past all of this bullshit, right? I know you guys are both hurt, but we need to come to some sort of conclusion. Okay? Okay, guys? Let's do that.

Well, I'm just going to say this. I didn't intentionally mean to actually hurt you because like, I really do love you. And I know that like right now you don't feel that way because you're hurt by me and I'm genuinely sorry, but I don't want to make you feel like you're unworthy because that's not, that's how I am. That's not how I am. That's not how God would want me to make someone feel. So I'm sorry. Oh God. And she's like, okay, well, I appreciate you apologizing. And like, I'm sorry for saying things that have hurt your feelings. And have you seen my Narcon? Cause

because I need that. Like, I need that. It was in my lipstick. Have you seen it? Okay, well, we'll keep it civil. And, you know, it just took me a very, very, very, very, very long time to actually be able to, like, truly want to be best friends again. She's like, me too. So they shake hands and Al's like, well, at least you guys are working on it. And they're like, I love you. I love you.

Well, and Lola's like, well, I still hope that we can work it out because she said, I love you. And I don't think she's ever said that before. Oh my God. This poor kid has probably been in this completely nuts family and always had to be the one to apologize. And she's probably never done anything wrong. She's like the good kid. And they're just like, treat her like a little punching bag team. Team Lola as odd as she is.

Team Lola. Unless we find out that that boyfriend was really actually very, very horrific and Lola should be standing up for her sister. But for right now, team Lola. My instinct says Lola. Yeah, me too. All right, everybody. Well, thanks so much for being with us today. I don't know if we're going to recover, if we're going to cover this on the full or not. Tell us if you want us to. Tell us what you think. Give us your opinion. It was pleasant enough doing it, but I wouldn't say it is the most compelling TV for me. But, you know, if you guys like it,

We'll do it. I don't know if we'll keep covering it, but we will definitely keep watching. I will definitely keep watching it because, you know, I like, I like the people on it and it is Bravo. By the way, I want to say something that I saw that was so random during Beverly Hills. I think it was Beverly Hills or actually maybe it was during their show. I don't remember which show I was watching. I think it was Beverly Hills. There was a commercial where Dorit and Jen Yeo from Sold on SLC were driving. I haven't seen this commercial yet. And I just thought it was so funny because like,

How did Jen Yo get a commercial with one of Bravo's big stars? I mean, Jen Yo is on a show that no one talks about. We love it. But like, was Bravo kind of like, yeah, this show is going to be huge. We're telling you right now, book her for your commercial. And then it just didn't work out. Yeah, it was during that when that commercial came out. It was during sold on SLC. So it made a little more sense because it was a commercial during SLC. I didn't. I never saw it. So seeing it now, I was like.

It's just kind of funny. They're like, oh my God, it's Jen Yeo. And you know, the audience is like, who? Yeah. And Dorit is like, look at me looking for a house in Salt Lake City. You know, I mean, PK is constantly licking the salt out of everything. So hopefully we can find a house here to live. But I want your car and stick. All right, everyone. Thanks for listening. And we will catch you on the next episode of Watch What Crap Is. Bye, everyone.

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