#2756 RHOA S16E01 Part One: Pretty As a Peach
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Hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker and joining me...

Someone who may or may not have a scandalous relationship with Dennis, the hot dog guy from Atlanta. It's Ronnie Karam. Hi, Ronnie. How are you? Oh, hello. How's it going? Just fine and dandy. Atlanta is back. We are recapping Real Housewives of Atlanta today.

Before we get into it, some fun updates, which is that our show is going back on the road this week. We are going to be in Cincinnati on Friday night, and we are going to be recapping Summer House. And then the next night, we're going to Minneapolis, and we'll recap Southern Charm. And then we are crossing the border into Canada.

Canada and we are going to go to Toronto to recap a classic episode of Roni. Some may say the best episode of all time across maybe all franchises. That is Roni

The Berkshires. December, Berkshire County. Season 8, Episode 9. I believe that's what it is. You know, it's the one. It's the one. We're recapping that one. So if you want to come join us, go to WatchYourCrappins.com to get your ticket. I always say this. Come solo. Come with a group. If you're afraid of coming solo...

literally don't even worry about it. You will make friends. And even if you don't make friends, you'll still have a great time. Chances are you probably listen to it on your own anyway. So there's no difference, right? I personally actually love going to live events solo. Now I've discovered that it's like probably one of my favorite ways to see live music and shows. So go do it. Anyway, we're excited to see you all there. And then of course, later in the month, we're going to Atlanta. We're going to Charlotte. We're going to DC. We're going to Philly. It's going to be

Such a great rest of the month for the show. So that's what's happening there. Also, in case you missed it on Patreon, we'd love to have you on Patreon. If you do decide to join up, go through your web browser. Do not go through the app if you got it from the Apple Store because Apple has levied a tax.

And so you don't want to have to pay that surcharge. So just if you go directly through the browser, you do not have to pay the surcharge. And if you're already signed up, you're golden. But just giving you a heads up for new subscribers on Patreon, that's patreon.com slash watch for crap ends, bonus episodes, video, the whole thing. So that is...

The update, everyone. Shall we get into Atlanta, Ronnie? Shall we do it? I'm getting yourself updated. Yes, let's get into Atlanta. Wow, it's been a long time since we've had Atlanta back on the screens, eh?

It's been a very long time. And, um, wow. You know, we, this is, um, I have to, what did you think about the premiere with the, about the season premiere? Because obviously there's a lot of expectations going into it. Last season was like pretty cataclysmic and, you know, there's, you know, they had to fire a bunch of people, bring in new people, retool it. So a lot was riding on this premiere. How did you feel like they did?

I thought it was good. I thought it was a good start. It is weird having a reboot. I mean, it's basically a reboot. So it's weird having a full reboot and getting into it, you know? And then they changed all the stylistic stuff of it. They're like, it's new. Get it. Get it.

Now we're doing 3D imaging, like portrait mode on the iPhone. They're doing weird stuff where it's like, look, Portia's standing, but is she close to you? Is she far away? Is she about to jog? No, she's not. I don't believe that for two seconds, first of all. And then they do this new green screen thing where it's like a 3D green screen where the whole floor is green. Everything's green. And then they still put a picture behind it. So it looks like tiny dolls sitting in a dollhouse.

This drove. Okay. This is my biggest note from the episode. Can we please fix the green screen for Shamia? Okay. They did not do the proportions correctly. She looks like a tiny, she's like shrunken down. I actually paused and the size of her chair, she's sitting in like a barrel chair.

you know, and it's next to a sofa and the top of the barrel chair is as tall as like the arm of the sofa. Like don't, you made her a miniature, come on, proportions for your green screen. Every time it cut to where she looked like so obviously superimposed, it was the, it was like a TikTok video when someone puts their head in the corner. That's what she looked like. Well, I think they're still trying to figure it out, you know, cause it's like new technology for them. They're like housewives, new things for housewives. How do we do it? And so they all look kind of like little dolls in a dollhouse.

But we found out super interesting. They put Drew Sidora in her foyer, which, by the way, I thought was hilarious. Well, they're trying to give Drew Sidora some AI upgrades, and they're just not working. Like, what was that wig that she wore to the party, and you could see her other hair kind of coming out the bottom? I mean, Drew Sidora is still a goddamn mess, which I love, you know. She is. But I have to say, I thought the premiere was great. I thought this was the best season premiere in several years. I think, you know, one thing was on...

We even saw it in the trailer. We didn't do a trailer trash of this show because we were doing traders on our Patreon. But even on the trailer, they have adjusted the vibe of the show. They kind of got it back to where it should have been all along, which is it's in Real Housewives territory of money and glitz and glam. The trailer and then this premiere was all about money.

luxury cars and jewelry, et cetera. And you know, of course there's always that element. There's always wealth on these shows, but I feel like they were really emphasizing it and they sort of got back to kind of some campiness with this premiere in my mind. Like I just felt like the tone was tweaked in a way that I really, really liked.

Well, the new girls definitely came to play. I mean, they were like, okay, let's attack. Let's attack the only remaining standing person from the original cast. Portia. Let's take her down. Huh? Fearlessly. Like without like even blinking, like just effortlessly not cowering, just going after like Portia.

Yeah, they're definitely, they definitely came ready for some mess. So that ended up being fun. It was hard to kind of get into it just because there were so many new people, but I think that's natural with like a new housewives show. I did. It was funny when there was Kenya and I actually cheered when Kenya came on, cause I thought they were going to cut her out of the season. So I was actually, believe it or not, super glad to see Kenya at being so messy. And I think the friend spot is actually kind of perfect for her, even though she never would have agreed to be a friend, but now that they've cut her into a friend.

It's kind of perfect. I will say they look kind of like aunties to the rest of them. They're like, oh, these crazy girls, like sitting in a corner, like these crazy girls. Remember when we used to be like that? And also I missed Candy.

And listen, Candy I know didn't give the most in the past few years. And I'm sure I was one of the loudest, like something needs to change. But you know, Todd's restaurants, I don't know which one, I think it's Old Lady Gang. One of the restaurants hasn't been paying their rent and it's a whole mess over there. So I just want to know, I just want an update on, you know, how Candy feels about Todd blowing through all of her cash. So I kind of needed that update, but you know. You know,

You know, I've always loved Candy. I think she's actually an incredible housewife. But I think it was a good decision to just kind of really...

push out a lot of, a lot of the people and like get in some, some fresh faces here, but still have like someone like a Porsche, a big personality that we know of Porsche Shamia. What was surprising is that Shamia who we've had, Shamia has been around for years, right? Like low key, like a, like she's one of the, the, the, the best kind of friends of across all franchises, but she sort of doesn't get as much credit as like a Marlo or someone else.

but with shamia what's so surprising is not only does did she get elevated to peach status she's kind of the center of the show now like they really did kind of like all the relationships go through shamia which is surprising and what i was surprised about is how well she she stepped in as kind of the glue in the center of the new atlanta so there's like a lot of really surprising elements for me

And just to think how much footage they must have cut of Shamia, because really all they ever show Shamia is kind of kissing Portia's ass or standing up for Portia. But then we find out this episode that Shamia never shuts the fuck up. And so they probably have like real Shamia footage on the ground that we've just never seen.

Yeah. And like, we always I think we knew that Shamia acts and sings and does all that sort of stuff. But I never realized how much of that person she was until she became the center peach. And then it's like, oh, oh, you're you're an actor. You're an actor and a singer because you're acting and singing all the time now. Like any like anytime she can have the spotlight. She's like, hello.

I was like, whoa, this is Mia. What? This is crazy. Yeah, well, it's go time. And she went. Like, she showed up and she went for it. Okay, so let's start from the very start. Here we are back again. Atlanta, Atlanta, Atlanta. Shots of Atlanta. And then, you know, shots of the season. Porsche, you're an awful fucking slimy ass bitch. And...

Basically, they do. Portia's big thing is, "I jog now." And so Portia's got really long hair and she's kind of bouncing up and like, you know, shots of her sneakers. She's getting ready to run, guys. And then it's slow-mo's and then it's portrait mode and then it's 3D and then it's . It's like every shot that they could find in their final cut they used.

Well, they also like used a really cool visual plugin, which is that they made flashbacks appear on buildings. Like that was a nice touch too. Yeah. Right. Like she's like walking down the street and it's like memories on like a, on the side of the building. Yeah. So she's like, honey,

"You know I had to circle the block and I'm back!" So she's saying how life is amazing, she's been traveling, living her best life, and Pilar's getting big, and you know, like, life doesn't always have a fairytale ending.

And then we see headlines that her and Simon have divorced after 15 months of marriage. I'm like, I'm not sure that relationship had a fairytale beginning either, to be fair. I don't know if it was a fairytale. Don't you remember when Cinderella went to that ball and saw someone else's husband and was like, mine. And then she got the husband and then she broke the shoe over somebody's head. Very good. I think Kenya was dressed as a Native American at one part.

yeah that was that was all tails that was the the same halloween party where fallon hat was like dressed like was she like a alien or something she had like scales she had like a crazy a very complete costume was she medusa right and she just went running around with like a golf with a golf club

So, you know, things you guys might remember from your fairy tales. Bank fraud, credit card fraud, identity fraud, fake marriages, multiple felonies. Didn't want to be married to a stranger. And then this is my favorite headline. Simon seemingly calls Real Housewives of Atlanta star Portia Williams a pig with lipstick. Wow. Wow. First, way to misuse the saying, but also that's a funny fucking headline.

So back to Portia, she's like, I filed for divorce and we have financial issues and trust issues. - Yeah, go back and read the headlines. There were some issues.

He just wasn't the man that I thought I was marrying. I mean, polar night, like we're still living in a marital home, but like this is getting really stressful with the divorce and I'm trying to figure out a way forward. Wow. I can't believe Simon. Um, wasn't the man that you thought you were, who was the man you thought you were marrying? Because I think we all saw Simon as this. What, what, where were you? What, what did you see him as old man with a lot of money, but she thought it was his presumably, you know, I guess.

So then we see her mom, Diane, and she's like, "From the looks of it, you were the perfect couple. The thing was just not to go to bed angry, you know? And you also co-parented wonderfully." Well, it's hard not to go to bed angrily when the fucking furniture rental place is trying to take the bed out from under you, okay? "Who the fuck did I marry, marry, marry?" Now, we should have realized that

that poor show would be coming back to Bravo and bringing her whole cohort because Bravo is having a big hot dog moment. Like every show is focusing on hot dogs these days. So it's only natural that Dennis returns to our screens with hot dog content. Yeah. He's the, he's the hot dog pioneer on Bravo. He's hot dog Dubin. He's the Harry Dubin of the show. Just going from housewife to housewife for screen time.

So Diane's like, oh my gosh, Portia. It's when you look at one part of it, then you start to look at another part of it. And then you wonder how much of it was real. Yeah. I love that they're just so shocked, especially Diane. Just shocked that any of this could have happened to poor Portia. Girl, I watched that reality show. I watched the Portia show. I can't believe Diane's acting shocked.

Yeah. I just, I let my guard down because I felt like it was a safe space and I still love this person and I really hate all that. I let my guard down. You didn't let your guard down. You, you saw a really wealthy guy and you got with him. So then, um,

they're all, now we see Portia going downtown. She's in her workout outfit. And, uh, Portia's like a lot of people, they say, well, this could be karma or whatever. But for me, I guess with bad karma comes good karma because I always come out. Okay. I don't know if karma works out that way. I think sometimes bad karma is just bad karma. I don't think like, I don't think, I don't know if it evens out. Like if you have bad karma, then it's your, I think it's just bad karma that you're stuck with. Right. You market it.

you know porsche and she's right i mean porsche's doing fine she's still doing fine i mean she came back as the star of this show so yeah well she's still a star

Yeah, I got her, her, her karma got her a storyline for another season. So what does she care? You know? So now we go to Shamia and she's with her daughter at their place. Well, first it looks like it's going to center around Porsche, right? Cause the opening is all Porsche. And then we see Porsche jogging and anyone who's watched this show from the beginning is like, oh my God, guys, Porsche jogs. Now the world is at peace. We're getting a new storyline.

But then we get the credits or whatever. And then it turns out that the season is built kind of around Shamia, which you've mentioned. So we go to her place and it's this huge mansion. And she's like, well, people only know me as Portia's ride or die. And then we see flashbacks of Shamia sticking up for Portia and then taking pictures of Portia and Phaedra and then doing the splits at a bolo party.

Yeah, but then she says, but I mean, there's way more to me than I can outshine the best of them. My $9 million house was the second largest sale in Georgia that year. But you know what? I don't even have to get down like that, even though I did just mention that it was the second largest sale. I hate being defined by my walls, which were, did, just as a reminder, they did cost $9 million. If you can afford to buy me the cheapest house tequila at the bar, let's do it and drink it in my $9 million house.

You know, I might spit it over there and then buy us the good stuff. That's what I'll do. So then we see each other. You were drinking the cheapest tequila at a bar when you met that man. You know, don't act like you've never had the cheapest tequila at a bar. She's like, well, I'll go. I'll play with the cheapest tequila eventually.

Then I'll spit it out. So Shamia's family, then we see Shamia, she's brought the whole family. And that's another thing. Everybody new had the whole family on. So I was like, ah, it's a lot. It's a lot. It's new people, new people.

Everyone's moving in. Everyone's literally moving into Bravo. So Shamia's like, you know, I haven't had any parties at my home since I bought my home for $9 million. You know, I had my birthday party. But this is my first big party. And if it's a party, I'm going to party. And it doesn't have to be a twerk. I mean, I can twerk. And then we just see her with like...

this whole this whole massive family and again this is where we first see Shamia in her teeny tiny chair and the green screen as like please please fix this you you have time to do it production just just enlarge the image okay zoom in a little bit zoom out over there let's get the proportions right because it's driving me nuts they kept changing it and it was crazy looking every single time

But Shamia, I think if she went to any kind of, you know, media training or whatever before this season, just kind of get her ducks in a row. I think the media trainer just told her, when in doubt, twerk. Just start shaking your ass cheeks. Clap your ass cheeks whenever you're in doubt. Because every other scene, Shamia's like, clap, clap, clap. She's like, I can twerk.

So she's going to have a party. We meet her nephew. And she's like, oh, one thing you better know about me is family is the most important thing. It goes God and then family and then $9 million house. It's a pizza spiral.

When up the water spout, a man not made a dollar out.

It's a very expensive water spout. So she's like, career-wise, I like to call myself like the female Jamie Foxx. I mean, sorry, I know I'm a bit too modest to be on Bravo right now, but I'm a quadruple threat. I'm an actress, a singer, a dancer, an owner of a $9 million house. It's just a lot that I can do. And it just kind of happened that way because I'm a lover of music. I'm a lover of arts. I'm a lover of people. I'm a lover of Zillow. And I'm blessed to be able to do it all.

I mean, I haven't really heard of much of that, but I guess that doesn't really mean anything. I mean, I found out who Chaperone was like two months ago because she was yelling at a reporter. I'm a huge fan. I mean, I don't know. It takes me a while to figure things out. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crapin's commercial.

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So she has an elevator in her house and she's racing her daughter and her daughter's like, "I'm gonna beat you. I'm gonna go up the stairs and beat you." And she's like, "No, you're not." And so she takes the elevator and the kid runs up the stairs. And you can tell she's a good mom because she's like, "How do you always beat me?" Because if I was the mom, I would have come off that elevator, seen that kid and just pushed her down the stairs. I win. "Should've taken the elevator. That thing is paid for for a reason, you ungrateful little fuck."

She's like, I've just been through it. Just trying to grow my family. I have two girls. So she talks about she has one girl who's like Shia is five years old. Shia was 15 months and Shia was was born prematurely via surrogacy. And so there was a lot of there was a lot of medical complications and surgeries, etc. So it's a lot that she is dealing with over there.

And so then she talks about how her husband, they've been together for 10 years. His name is Jerome. He's Kenyan. And they met at a nightclub. And she tells the whole story about

about like how we tried to buy her a drink and she was like, no. And then he's like, but- - Well, he bought her a drink. So he bought her a drink, but then he never talked to her again. And she was like, what the hell? You can't just buy me a drink and not talk to me again. I just figured something was wrong with them. But then I was invited to a cookout. And then, so I went to the cookout and then the producer goes, Shamia, could you make it short? And she's like, I'm almost done. Just give me one more second. So then he sits by me, we have fun. And she goes on for, I swear to you, 15 minutes.

It's like in their time, it must've been like three hours long. And finally she gets to the meat of the story, which is she goes to his house. She's like, I don't want to go in. Cause you're going to think that, you know, you're going to get some and he's like, no, it's okay. We can just relax. So they're relaxing. And then he hears her stomach gurgle and he's like, don't worry about it. The bathroom's right over there. And she's like, so I went into the bathroom and I exploded all over that bathroom.

And I mean, things were just coming out everywhere. And, you know, I go in there and I'm kind of embarrassed. And that man still called me for another date. That's what I do. And next time I went over, there were baby wipes there. So ladies, shit in his house on the first date. Shit. That was the lesson to be learned. Yeah.

So she keeps going. Because like this, by the way, this kind of reboot is it's it's a little bit like a sizzle reel. And like for a sizzle reel is essentially like when you're trying to sell a reality show, you kind of make it sort of like a pilot. But it's a lot of people, the cast members talking to the camera, telling you who you are. It's busy talking to the producers like I am so and so. This is my background. This is why I should be on your show. And then you see some scenes of them together. So it's kind of like that vibe because we're like we get like these very long scenes of people talking to us.

But it's okay, because they have to do it. They have to bring us into this world. So Shamia's going on and on about...

how Shiloh was in the NICU. And so like this year they're pulling out all the stops and she's gonna have, she's inviting all these, all her friends, some of her new friends like Kelly and Britt, and then also like Portia, you know, et cetera, et cetera. So then we see why she's the glue and we see all the pictures of the new people. And so she starts stringing it all together. So she's known Portia for a decade and

And she's good friends with Portia because Portia told her she needs to shave her vagina, which. Yeah, there you go. Yes. That's all you need. Do Portia. She met Cynthia in Kenya because, you know.

50 50 synth is back this season. And then she met Kelly because Kelly came on to on to show me as a radio show. And we meet Kelly shortly. But one thing I have to say, I'd love that Atlanta cast a waffle queen on the show. Like, that's my favorite thing ever. Like Queen of Waffles is new cast member.

And then she then so Kelly would cook for her. And then she then she's also Kelly is friends with Brit. So I guess she met Brit through Kelly. So that's how Brit came into the mix.

Yeah. And she's like, I love those girls because they let their hair down and their titties out. So we did that. We do that. And Drew, they did a film together 10 years ago on TLC and it was a biopic, a biopic. I hope you say biopic. It was a biopsy. Doesn't it sound like it should be biopic? It's a biopic. It was biopic. It was a myopic biopic.

Um, I, I, I, what movie was that? Did they say what movie that was? I need to know what it was. I'm gonna look at it. Crazy, sexy, cool. The TLC story. It's about, it's a 2013 American biographical television film about TLC. I thought it was a biopic that aired on TLC. John and Kate plus eight. How it came to be. Oh yeah. I remember. I think I saw that movie.

I feel it was that on Lifetime. You know, it doesn't matter. We'll move on. But I really was like, well, I didn't know that TLC aired biopics. I was like, I was so confused. John and Kate plus eight. John and eight plus Kate and Drew Sidora. Drew Sidora in a Kate Gosselin wig.

Wait, Kate, what are their names again? I just said it. John and Kate. I made John live in the basement with seven of the children.

John went to Tampa again. That's how she knows Drew. And Drew is really good friends with the Angela Oakley. And she doesn't really know Angela, but she knows Charles because Charles is the Charles Oakley, maker of the sunglasses, I presume, because I don't understand sports very much.

I used to have such a crush on Charles Oakley in the 90s, I swear. You know, because he was on the Knicks and I was a big Knicks fan. And I'd go to those Knicks games and he would be there and I'd be like, Charles Oakley. So I'm like very like I'm taken to a place when I see Charles Oakley on this show. Well, he's the resident because no matter how many times you recast a housewife show, they're always going to have the grumpy asshole husband. And that's it. He's just the old grump who's like, fix your hair.

Yeah, I actually really love that they included the Oakleys, not because of any sort of Charles Oakley thing I bring to it, but because Angela Oakley is like a little older and she's sort of, she's kind of giving some light Karen Huger vibes, you know. I got that as well. Like.

But like maybe not as delusional, but I'd like that they're like, okay, well, let's bring in someone who's like a little more real regal into this mix. Because I think that always works on these shows. And this is when I got the Karen when she's acting like, well, I'm Angela Oakley. Oh God, my wig glue. Oh my God. Yeah. What am I going to do about my wig glue? And then she had to, she's like the wind is blowing off my wig. Yeah.

She had to go to the bathroom and you just hear her in there. Oh my God, the wig glue. What am I going to do about the wig glue? I was like, oh, thank God. One Karen goes, one prison door slams and another door opens. Yes, exactly.

So back to Shamia's house and she's saying like trying to be friends to multiple people that don't always see eye to eye. That's like the thing like right now in my life. So then there's Glenda who's, who is someone in the household right now. Ariana Grande arrives and her outfit from Wicked and she's like, we shouldn't have to worry about that. So she's like, um,

This elevator is unlimited. Could they make the elevator a cast in the show? Because Portia's coming out of the elevator. I have to make a gift of that. I need that in my life. I need to be able to send that as a response in text. But we'll get to that. Right now, Shamia's the glue. But she's complaining to her family. She's like, you know, right now, Shamia's the glue.

Right now, Shamia's the glue, everyone. Let's get back to the glue. I know. Ms. Oakley could have used you at your party. But she's talking about how she has to keep all that. She's like, you know, hanging out with girls. They probably don't all get along. This is episode one. Okay. You can already be having this discussion with your family.

And they're like, shut up. You finally got a peach. Stop your bitching. So then we go to Drew, who's pretending to play with her children. Like that's a normal thing that she does. And it's in their front yard that's on the street throwing balls. And this is very Drew.

Yeah, it is fun that in this like revamp where there's like emphasis on like luxury and diamonds, et cetera, that then they have to go to Drew Sedora. And like they just try, they try to make her seem glam like now into the exciting life of Drew Sedora. She's like, kids, you want to listen to your iPod? She's pressing play on that boom box that nobody would take in her first season. She slips and falls on a penny saver on her front suit.

Listen, you kids better be good or I'm not reading you the Val pack before you go to bed tonight. Right? She's like, it's a lot of change. Like I have a lot of quarters and pennies saved up right now. And then she has her chef who's like, yeah, it's a lot. She always has, I don't know if it's the same lady as before. I think it is because she has this chef that has just like the biggest eyelashes. Like this, this chef is always like, I'm going to be on camera. I'm going to put all the mascara on right now before I cook this salmon. Yeah.

So didn't she have problems with paying a chef? Wasn't that one of her things that she wasn't paying that chef? I think she I think when it comes to payroll and staff, that may be a problem area for Drew in general beyond just even chefs. But yeah, she likes volunteers. That girl's like the Red Cross of her neighborhood. She just takes as many volunteers as she can get.

Yeah. Um, so here's, she tells us that she's been in five movies in a year and I was like, who's done five movies in a year. And so I looked it up and there are two B movies, you know? Yeah. Um, vicious murder actually. What is it? No, the two B movies are like do incredibly well, actually. Well, there you go. She's done five of them in a year. Um, vicious murder at the past boxed in the preacher's son, women of the jury adopted.

And then before that, she had like a six year break where she did skinned. It's like, damn. And then white people money, a 2020 con. So she's done a lot of stuff. Oh, and also it says here, conclave. I didn't realize she was in conclave, but good for her. That was an amazing turn for her. Just imagining her with Ray Fiends. Like I was in the past and then I was in conclave. Yeah.

um which what's conclave i don't know i don't get the joke i'm just laughing so i don't look stupid but i don't get it what is an oscar-nominated uh prestige film drew's adora anything that's oscar-nominated what planet do i live on it's nora i'm still mad i don't know what a nora is and then i found out it's about a hooker who gets with a russian billionaire and i'm like that's my movie like that's my type of movie it's like my dream

Yeah. I mean, that's what half these housewives shows are basically about. I mean, hello, did you not see? Well, Porsche is not a hooker, but it is about people getting with billionaires. Yeah. Remember when the plot line, everybody was missing each other for being with like trying to get with African billionaires or whatever. And now look at where we are all these years later. It's like, ah, shouldn't have shamed us. We took over the show suckers. And by the way, I support it 100%. Yeah. Um,

Yeah, but anyway, I'm looking forward to finally seeing The Brutalist, which is like three hours long and has an intermission just to see how Drew Sidora does in that. Because I feel like she will really play really well off of Adrian Brody. I'm sorry. I thought I signed up for a movie called The Doodle List. I'm not really sure. I made a couple of houses with cars out front.

Well, we were hoping to cast Laura Dern, but we'll deal with Juicidor instead. By the way, Facebook recommended... We ended up with Laura Darn. Damn it, Juicidor is here.

Can I tell you something? Facebook actually suggested that I be friends with Laura Dern this weekend. It was like, someone you may know, Laura Dern. Oh my gosh, that's amazing. And it said, Laura Dern works at Hollywood. I was like, I don't know if this is a real Laura Dern. You should have friended Laura Dern. What the hell's wrong with that? I still get Tom Sandoval and stupid people like that. You got Laura Dern? Damn, your algorithm. Because I was a sweet.

I was afraid that if I added her as a friend that she would not accept me. And then I don't know if I am ready to be rejected by Laura Dern. I think I like a world where I have the possibility to be friends with her still. And I don't want that possibility to be shut down just yet. No, you have to be rejected by Laura Dern. That's how you build calluses, you know? And then you don't care if you're rejected by people. Well, maybe. Okay.

I'll go to Facebook. If it's still suggesting her, I'll add her. Yeah, you gotta add Laura Dern. Reach for the stars. Facebook knows everything. I mean, it's someone I might know. It's someone I might know.

So she's talking about the girls. Oh, no, no. We go to Drew. So Drew's like, there's so much change. And, you know, it's just so disheartening, this divorce, you know. It's been a year now. I would have hoped that Ralph and I could have mediated on our own. But, you know, we just couldn't agree on anything. And then we see a flashback to last year's reunion. Miranda's like, oh, were you faithful to Drew Ralph? And he's like, it would have came out already. He's like, that is not the question. Now, I wish they would have shown...

Where Drew was like, "I've written a solo, a ballad for Ralph. Can I sing it right in front of Ralph? Have Ralph sit here on the reunion stage." "Go into the basement, you piece of shit. You've hurt me." I love that. That was one of my favorite all-time Housewives moments.

And Drew's like, our divorce is dramatic. It's a roller coaster. It's a shit show. And you can tell at this moment, Drew thinks that she's like the center peach of the season. She's like, okay, everyone, I get it. I'll just have the weight of the season on my shoulders. I can do it. Don't worry. That's Drew every season. That's Drew. That's why she's so good at this. And a lot of people are disappointed that like out of everybody that made it back, we're bringing back Drew. This is why it's the divorce. Yeah.

Yeah, like, it's very reluctantly, Drusador is a good housewife because she's so deluded. And she's so shady. And that's kind of what we need and want from our housewives. Yeah. So Kenya comes, speaking of, Kenya comes over with Brooklyn and the kids go play dolls and stuff. And she's like, so a lot has changed. This was actually Ralph's office. And then we see...

Ralph's barber chair. Is it actually a barber shop now? Because there's a bunch of people in there. She turned it basically into a glam room. So Ralph's office is a glam spot now. And Kenya's like, well, where's Ralph? And she's like, well, so basically we had a court order when we went to court and he got moved to the basement. Yeah.

Ralph is in the basement unseen by the cameras, like an ogre, like the troll under the bridge. It's so good. And then their daughter's like, where's daddy? She's like, go downstairs to the basement. She's like, I'm scared, mommy, go. So she's like, turn on the lights. See if daddy's down there. I like that Ralph is in the basement in the dark.

I'm just imagining he's like to come out to light and his hair is gonna be like big and he's gonna be like like walking on the ceiling so we hear his voices and she's like daddy daddy's like baby girl how are you doing my love come on she was throwing raw meat down there

Here's breakfast. Just throwing a turkey leg down there. Eat your breakfast. Send the tray back up when you're done.

So Kenya's like, "Not banished to the basement. Are you allowed to go down there?" She's like, "No, not without permission." He has a whole different entrance. And every first, third and fifth weekend he gets fed. And that's when I have to leave. And I love that she leaves the house and what he gets to walk around the house every other weekend. That's so fucking funny to me. Ralph's just like, "Rub my wiener on that. Rub my wiener on that. Rub my wiener on that."

And she goes, well, I was hoping he would take that opportunity to move out and get a life. But fortunately, he didn't. You know, I thought he would do what he loves to do, which is be out in the streets. But no, he's in the basement, the dark, dark basement. So she tells Kenya that they don't communicate. They have to communicate through like a divorce app thing. And he tries to get shitty on the app. But she's like, well, the judge can read it. So I hope he has fun with that.

That's so Ralph to be like, to go off on a, on an app that is solely read by a judge. Yeah.

dummy ralph it's so stupid so um uh so kenya's like so uh what is drew doing and she said well i literally did five movies last year um you may have seen a nora i was not in that um and then i'm doing my music um you may have auditioned for a nora and it's really funny because my response they said uh

So I thought, yeah, it was actually not. It was actually an Australian casting person. And I'd been doing music. You may have seen my duet with Beyonce, wherein I stood up next to my TV and sang along with her during that Netflix halftime show. So that was really special for me. So, yeah, I'm doing a lot. He's like, let me tell you this much. This ain't Texas and the same. Hold on. You may have heard it.

So she goes, "Oh, and you know Dennis from Detroit. He's helping me with my music." And she's like, "Dennis who?" And she goes, "Dennis, Dennis, you know, Dennis, Hot Dog Dennis. That's who I'm partnering with on music." Yeah. We have a new label called Relish. It's huge.

Huge. Yeah. I'm actually, by the way, I'm opening up for Tank in Chicago. And Kenny's like, oh my God, Tank. That's like amazing. Yeah. It's a dunk tank, actually. It's not the musician Tank. I'm going to a carnival and I'll be singing songs there. So I'm really excited. And Kenny's like, um, Dennis, uh, Portia's Dennis? And she's like, yes. So then we see flashbacks of the hot dog king being like...

I'm hot dog. Portia being like, I love hot dogs. I'm pregnant. You know, when I've just, you know, I've thought about that maybe it's time for me to get into music. And I thought if I'm going to get into music, I'm going to need a record producer. And the first one I thought of is like, I want someone who works with hot dogs. That is how I'm going to make my success. Like straight to the number one spot. I wonder if Dr. Derwiener Schnitzel's busy. I need somebody here. Doesn't every music documentary start off like this? It's like someone who's singing and it's like...

And then I met Ron Perlman, who was selling hot dogs. And he said, I got a sound for you. And then he writes a song. It's always like this person who sells hot dogs or seatbelts or something like that. And then they get their initial success. And then that person winds up being like the grifter. I was humming a song about a husband in the basement when I was in line for my 10 cent Costco hot dog.

The guy behind the counter said, I think I can work with this. So here we are. So anyway, here's a sample of this new song that Dennis wrote for me. Let's go out to the movies. Let's go out to the movies. Let's go out to the movies and have ourselves a snack. Nicole Kidman narrated our first date. It was big. It was big. It was big.

Commercials, here comes one right now. Ben hadn't had a decent night's sleep in a month. So, during one of his restless nights, he booked a package trip abroad on Expedia. When he arrived at his beachside hotel, he discovered a miraculous bed slung between two trees and fell into the best sleep of his life.

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sent investigators chasing one of the most powerful families in the business, the Lichardis. But the closer the feds got to them, the more dangerous things became. It's a story of deceit. At the time, I was paranoid. Threats. You touch my kids, I will kill you. And murder. With a .22 caliber bullet to the head. What started with a scheme to mislabel wine spilled into a blood-soaked battle for succession.

Welcome to Blood Vines. You can binge listen to Blood Vines exclusively and ad-free on Wondery Plus. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify.

So then we see Dennis. She was on the phone with Dennis and Drew's like, hey, bro, what's going on? And he's like, well, we got to put your show together. It's like, yeah. And he's like, well, we got to do a mini listening session. So I'm thinking a lot of heads of hot dogs. Yes. A lot of hot dog heads.

Okay, so here's what I'm thinking. We're going to have a sofa and it's going to be yellow and we'll put you in kind of like a reddish brown suit and you'll lie across the sofa. But then I'll just look like a hot dog. Exactly. We've got some people coming. We've got Oscar. We've got Mayer. She's like, sounds great. Nathan's coming. We're going to do it at a ballpark. You know, it's all coming.

So then we see her just like singing and it says Portia's Dennis in a glass reflection, just shadily pointing that pointing it out. She's like in Hebrew. She's like, just want to make the heads happy. Yeah.

This is going out to an entire nation. This is, listen, this is going out to a higher, what was the slogan? We cook for a higher God. I don't know what it is. So Kenya is like, wait a minute. So how does Portia feel about that? Huh?

So Drew's like, well, she was just like, girl, yeah. And I was like, just very grateful for Dennis and who he has been in my life and showing up as like my angel on earth. Because literally there were days where I couldn't get out of bed crying. And he's like, I can't stop you from crying.

but I can feed you hot dogs. And you know, I knew I had a session and I would get there. And like, he was that saving grace when I was going through all that I was going, it was just all good. And he's just a standup guy who wants to be there for his daughter. And he's like, look, this music is going to help me pay for my daughter's college. And we're all on the same team. This is a family, just a hot dog vendor who's,

producing a record. That's it. Yeah. And Kenya's like, um, how come you didn't ever produce anything for Portia? Because she tried to put out a song a while ago and it didn't go anywhere. And then we see Portia's music video for 2014, Flatline. That's great. That's, uh, uh, that Flatline is an appropriate name for a song and a musical career. Yeah.

You know, Portia may not be the best singer, but she's a psychic singer. So you gotta hand her that. So Drew's like, "Oh, maybe because he wasn't into music then?" And Kenya's like, "But you just said it was his greatest passion."

And he's like, well, I don't know how long it's been his passion, you know? But he told me he did talk to Portia to get her blessing. And she goes, did he get it? She's like, he told me he did. So I was like, cool. I mean, I'm sure she's, you know, I'm sure she's just not going to speak up. I mean, Portia's going to be somebody who's going to speak her mind if she's mad and she hasn't said anything to me yet. So I'm sure everything's going to be fine.

Yeah, what could go wrong? So now we go to a place called Dirty Tea. And now it's time to meet Kelly, a new cast member. And so this is basically a long scene where we learn about Kelly. She has a daughter. Her daughter Chloe's 17th birthday. So Kelly tells us...

that she is a single mom and she's like, "Single mom life is definitely not for the week." And it's like, you know, it's a tea party birthday. So everyone has got like hats and everyone's dressed up to the nines, et cetera. And there's all these kids around. And so Chloe, her daughter Chloe is 17 and she has a kid named Chance

who's 11, and then she has twin daughters, Chastity and Chelsea. So everyone has a C-H first name, which is funny because Kelly is K, but that's fine. Whatever. C-H is the new K, I guess. Yeah, are you supposed to match it to your own? Well, I would think so, but maybe not. It's okay. Starting a trend. It's fine. It's fine. Yeah, so she's got a lot of ch-ch-ch.

When she's mad, like when your mom gets mad, she's so mad that all the kids, she can't even get it together. She's just like, get down here. It's like a car starting. Or like Jason Voorhees. Yeah. So it is. Can't do it. Juiced the doors trying to try to sing along to it. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

- ♪ If daddy's in the basement ♪ - So this is a birthday party for her 17 year old and she gives her 17 purses. And the kid wanted a pink Birkin, but the mom's like, "Whatever, you're not getting a pink Birkin for me, but I will give you 17 purses because it's your 17th birthday." Couldn't you just buy a Birkin for that? I mean, those were nice purses. Those weren't cheap purses. - I know. This is Kelly proving her,

proving why she should be on the show. She's like, I'm wealthy guys. Trust me. Yeah. Waffles. Waffles make you wealthy. I'm super wealthy guys. I put me on Bravo. So she's trying. This is like, she's like, look inside your purse, honey. There's your real present. It's a

i am creating generational waffle wealth so um so she's getting divorced and everything and and um brit britney is there someone this is her friend britney this is not brit who's the new cast member but britney is asking how she feels about getting divorced and she's saying it's been like a long two and a half years of her life and she just wants to cut that out and take her name back and she says her her ex mark

is a father of her three daughters and it's been hard. They were married for 11 years and she got married. She had children and she created a business. Um,

And so she's saying, like, how do we turn from that into complete enemies? So we get her resume. She's from Baltimore. She's been here since 2003. And she started a restaurant in 2016 called Nana's Chickens and Waffles. Or Chicken and Waffles, not chickens. They're actual chickens eating waffles. Nana's Chicken and Waffles. And she's like, I named the restaurant after my grandmother, which is great.

you know, tricky because everyone's going to trust a place called Dana's. No one's going to trust a place called like grandmother, uh, granddaughter's,

Chicken and waffles. I don't want to eat that. I want to eat the experienced person's chicken and waffles. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Step-sisters, Nana, you know, chicken and waffles. So she's like, yeah, it's like my second child. And it's just this little restaurant, but it turned into a huge deal. So now I have 24-carat gold maple syrup. And that was featured in Forbes. And...

- A line of waffle mix. - Waffle mix. - A cookbook. - And she's very excited about a mimosa mix. What the, mimosa is two things. It's champagne and orange juice. What are you putting Tang into a champagne? - I was like, mimosa mix, is that just orange juice? - Like powdered orange juice? - She's like, yeah, you can pretty much put that shit in everything. Yeah, 'cause it's orange juice. So...

She's like, when somebody is constantly tearing you down, trying to take and be mean and spiteful. When we went to court that last time, you know what he told me? He said pancakes are better than waffles. I swear to God, in front of my daughter. It was terrible.

Anyway, he threatened me and my daughters don't deserve that. They come from a loving waffle forward home. Yeah. And then she's, you know, spending time with her kids, you know, the real cute. Her kids are really cute. And then we see the montage of her 17 presents gift giving thing. And then she's like, yeah, well, this is nothing new for my kids. You know, they're they're used to this kind of thing. So I'm going to have to do it for every kid when they turn 17. So purse economy, here I come.

So now we go to Portia and, you know, it's not a real Housewives of Atlanta season without someone going to visit that lawyer, Randy. So here she is. She is arriving. This is the elevator. Oh, my God. This elevator was so hilarious. So she's trying to get out of the elevator and it starts closing and then it closes on her butt.

but it won't reopen. And she's just like eating her butt. She's like, "Hey, hey, hey." She's like, "Yeah, it's definitely crazy having to call Randy again. It's insane. I gotta file for divorce." Is it crazy? I mean, that's where this guy has been on every single season. I'm surprised he's not holding a beach at this point. - Yeah, and then Randy, of course, is like, "Oh my God, Portia, it is so good to have you back in my life again." You don't wanna hear that from a divorce lawyer. You know what I mean?

He's like, thank God I can finally pay off my kid's college. God, your divorces are lengthy. This has got to be fun. He's like, yeah, you really walked away from a lot. And then we see Portia's greatest hits. We see her with the Cordell, after Cordell. And she's like, Cordell packed up my stuff. And I'm like, and I'm like some random, like karma has a name and that name is bitch. And I'm going to get him. I'm going to fight. And, um,

She says that she was smart to do it. She did a prenup this time because she had to be more responsible. And she says that in her relationship with Simon, she felt like that if she hadn't by her side, that they were going to conquer everything. But then she started to realize that there were just like a lot of untruths going on. Yeah. Yeah.

And just the way that Porsche is putting it all out. Like, I just had no idea what was happening in the headlines. They're putting headlines now in these weird little Chiron things at the bottom and they just like flick up for two seconds, but they're all like fraud, fraud, fraud, fraud, fraud, fraud, nothing but fraud, nothing but lies, nothing but fraud, all the headlines that come up. So she's like with Simon at my side, I thought I could conquer anything, but I can't get out of the elevator right. Make him go, make him go.

So Randy's excited. But one of the big points of contention is that she claims this is her, you know, since it's the marital home and they have 50 50 split over the home, she should be able to shoot in it. And he's trying to not allow her to shoot in the home and that's cutting her money. Yeah.

Yeah. And you don't mess with that at all. So Randy's like, well, the court gave you the right to live in the house. And so we're going to try to do an extra document. This is the court is telling everyone wants to do film that we have the full right to do that. I just want to say a shout out to my daughter. Hi, honey. I'm back on TV. So then basically they're going to do some lawyerly stuff. And Portia tells us that Simon sent a cease and desist, et cetera, and the home. And she's like not going to like she can't have she needs to film in the home like that is cutting off her lifeblood. So she is going to fight. Yeah.

She's like, you know, I mean, it's not like I was just sitting there like some dumb little wife and just enjoying some money. No, I actually asked my husband, what's going on? Why are we in the secondary line at the airport? Any judge is going to be like, yeah, she knew. Give this woman whatever she wants. She didn't get to go through the clear line for Christ's sake.

So she's like, but just all this information that I'd asked him about, he lied about and came out about him being like, him not having a real green card, him not having more than gold status on American Airlines. I mean, he should be executive platinum by now. I mean, the only way for you to really protect yourself at the end of the day is if you have a prenup to enforce it. So you only have to enforce it by doing a divorce. Yeah.

So and also the green card thing that he was he's been trying to get citizenship and stuff. But couldn't he get it from being married to her? I guess I need to update myself on all of this drama because I don't remember at all.

So then we see the headlines. Court documents show Simon is fighting for U.S. citizenship, but his crime-riddled past keeps getting him denied. Well, that answered my question. Simon's company are ordered to pay nearly $900,000 in unpaid private jet bill. Wow. Nope. That's not good. And so Portia's saying that in their relationship,

You know, she used to pride herself on having great communication. And when the communication started to lack, it felt intentional.

Yeah. And Portia's like, we had an argument on Valentine's Day, but I'm old school. How are you old school? You're on your third marriage. You married a hot dog maven the last time. And this one is clearly there was something wrong with this guy. So you're not. Portia's like, you know me, traditionalist. Now, I know it looks like to many people like, oh, she posted this perfect life. But I look back and I could think to myself, I definitely posted this knowing that we were not okay.

And, uh, we see, we see her posting all these things, like everything was all great. And so, um, basically Randy's like saying, well, there's been some bad stuff that's been out there. And, you know, you always take the high road, not just because it's good life advice, but it's also good court advice. And she says that she reached out to him, um,

just to see if they could find some sort of peace. And she's like, she starts to get emotional and she's just saying how it's just really hard, but she's given up on that part. So she has to become the person that he's saying, you know, basically she has to kind of become steely and cold and icy, just like he's accusing her of being just that way. She can have, you know, her day in court. Yeah. So then we go to dinner and drinks at knife and we're with Shamia, Brit and Kelly. And,

And so now we meet Brit. This is now when the show properly begins in my book. It's like, okay, we've met most everyone. Not Brit, but now we're starting to get into group scenes. Yeah, now we get some girl time with some girls. Girls, we're girls. So we get some time with the girls and Brit introduces herself. And she's like, my husband's all about making sure I'm that girl. I had one ring that was seven and a half carats and now I have a 10 carat solitaire. Hold on, let me clean it.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Throws it at the camera.

So now here's Britt's exotic story. She's like, "Me and Kelly met through a mutual friend. Me being an insurance agent, I'm always going to all of the flyest, sexiest events in the city." I was like, "Oh, yes." I'm sure that's why most people get into insurance, because that naturally comes with working in insurance, going to the flyest. The glamorous life of insurance agents. I mean, look at Vicki Gundelson, going to fly sexy events all the time in Orange County.

It's not State Farm. It's State Farmhouse Modern in the hills, darling. So at one of these events that she got to go to naturally by being an insurance agent, she met Kelly and...

And she's like, well, one of my friends was like, I think you're going to really like Kelly. And she's like really over the top. And like the second we met, like I already knew it was going to be like, it was going to be a vibe like dancing, you know? And then like I started drinking and like she, like I got to make sure my, my, my titties stay in. Cause this gets wild, you know? And I saw her, her titties popping out also like my titties were popping out and her titties were popping out. And I was like, oh my God, insurance and waffles makes a great combination. Yeah.

That's how I knew we were going to be friends. Both of our titties were popping out. So here we are still hanging up. We can put a premium on that waffle. Okay, let's get this business together.

So they order some drinks and Kelly's like, oh my God, can I just tell you something, Brit? I'm just so proud of you, you know? I mean, you're really kicking motherhood's ass right now. I mean, wow, what a journey. Wow, everything. And oh no, she's talking to Shamia. And so Shamia's like, oh yeah, yeah, things are going great. Nine million dollar house, nine million dollars. And so they...

Kelly's like, cheers to love, peace, happiness, and maple syrup. Cheers. Yeah. So Shamia tells them that she's going to have a birthday party. She's like, they're like, well, who's going to come? She goes, well, my best friend, Portia. Portia's going through divorce. It's so public. And, you know, Kelly's like, oh, poor baby. Oh, I feel so bad for her. You know, yeah, she's going to come out on top. Yeah, of course. And then Kelly's like, she probably should have never checked that girl's Mando. Yeah.

it's like whoa whoa whoa she goes yeah because that man was taken a little bit she's like no no no let's be clear simon and his ex they were very public with their separation and then we see the headline phelan announces she and husband simon are splitting up after two years of marriage and then another headline porsche williams engaged to simon love wins the cast member shared the news that she's in a relationship

Five minutes later. Yeah, my memory of it, and I could be completely wrong. My memory of it was that there was that Atlanta reunion. And the very next day, as soon as the third part of that reunion ended...

The news dropped. Portia was like, surprise, I'm engaged. And I hadn't even heard that Simon and Fallon had divorced. But maybe it's because it's just like, who cared? It didn't land on the radar. And I seem to remember everyone was like, what the hell? And then it came out later like, oh, actually, Fallon and Simon had separated like a month prior or whatever. It obviously was like very, very close. But in my mind, yeah, in my mind, I had actually heard about them getting together before I'd heard about a divorce. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And then remember there was that whole thing where Simon's like, no, cause Phelan was cheating with the pool boy. And then she like ran off with the pool boy or something. So that was Portia's thing. Like she was cheating with the pool boy. So he wasn't taken anyway. Yeah.

So Kelly's like, "It was just, it was a little bit of a gray area, you know?" And Shammi's like, "No, there was no crossover. Yeah, but from like outside looking in, all I'm saying is to come to somebody's home, to be greeted by their husband, to eat their waffles, and then suddenly this happens, and then you wind up marrying that person."

Absolutely. That shit does look crazy. Yeah. And Kelly, she's just like, whatever. We've seen it on the blogs. You know, they're messy. And Shamia's like, wow, you know, you just can't be blaming people, you know? I just want you to get to know Portia for yourself. And Shamia says, I know Portia reached out to both of them, you know, Simon and his ex-wife and was like, hey, guys, I'm here for you. And they're like, yeah, but she's reaching out to a friend's husband. Who does that? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. And Kelly's like, "Yeah, I just think it's a fine line." And so Shamia's like, "Well, who says it crossed the line? You were Romans." So Shamia's like, "You know, Portia and I have been friends since we were children, and I love her, and I feel obligated to have her back."

which means that their friendship is going to disintegrate this season because this is how this is the nature of these shows is that you start on the premiere saying like we are our friendship is so strong and so great. But as we'll see later in the episode, Portia shows up late to the birthday party and like interrupts for me as big moment. So I guarantee this is a friendship that's going to fall apart over the course of the season. I know it's so sad, but also sad.

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