#2762 Denise Richards and her Wild Things S0103-04: Mother Nose Best
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Hello, welcome to Watch What Crappens. I'm Ronnie and that's Ben over there. Hello, Banuni Tunes. Hello, how's it going? Good, welcome to the show everybody. Today we're doing Denise Richards and her wild things, episodes three and four.

But first, come see us this weekend in Cincinnati, where we'll be recovering. We'll be covering Summer House. And then in Minneapolis, we'll be covering Southern Charm. And then in Toronto on Sunday, where we will be doing the classic Real Housewives of New York episode.

December Berkshires County for all of our ticket links and schedule for everything else. Go over to watch what crappens.com. We're going to be on tour the next few months and we're excited to see you guys. Also on Patreon, you can get our traders recaps, our airport snaps, recaps coming to you soon and all that good stuff. And also videos, which were on today on crappens on demand. So what's going on with you today?

Not much. Just, you know, getting ready for a big weekend and, you know, having excited for all that that entails. What's going on with you? Getting ready for all the different climates. I know. Climates across this great land of ours. It's a lot of different styles of Old Navy to pack this weekend. Jesus Christ, people.

I'm packing shorts and a puffer jacket because, you know, it's gonna be like nearly 80 degrees in Cincinnati and that's gonna be down to like 20 in Minneapolis. So it's gonna be a journey for us. It's gonna be a hard nippled weekend and I'm very excited to see you guys.

Alright, let's get to Denise Richards and her wild things. We open with Denise and she's like, yeah, you know, I've never said no to taking in an animal. My friend calls me Snow White because the squirrels all come around, but I think we can all agree I got better tits. The squirrels say so anyway.

And we see her just like leaving all sorts of peanuts out for the squirrels and everything. And she's got like a little, like she even has like this like faux picnic table. She's like, I hope the squirrel sits at this and has a nice little picnic. And maybe the squirrel can get its little squirrel bag caught in the slats just like I did. So she's like any dog, any cat, whatever. And we see like just all these animals that she's had over the years. And we see Lola talking and she's like, we've had sheeps, we've had...

rabbits, we've had cats, we've had dogs, we've had iguanas, we've had camels, we've had lions, we've really had everything. Yeah. And all the pictures. That's so cute. I like that in a person. Now, I don't want to go hang out at that person's house because it usually smells. But I love that they're that kind of person in the world. Because you know who those people are? They're the people who make Dodo videos. My favorite videos. Yeah. Yeah. So they're talking about they've had... Lola says at one point they had nine cats and

And then Sammy had a couple of chameleons. They had horses. They had pigs. I mean, we even see a flashback all the way to her original show, Denise Richards is Complicated. That was on E, right? I think that was on E, which is why they had the rights to show it here on Bravo. So.

So Denise is like, well, the squirrels are my pets without actually being my pets. I call one Fat Fred. And I know that's nice and people will think I'm fat shaming him, but he's Fat Fred and then there's Skinny Joe, which is funny because there's a rapper named Fat Joe. So this is Skinny Joe. I just didn't want them to be confused because one does sick beats and one eats peanuts. And Fat Fred is the first one to get the food. So it all makes sense if you really think about it. If you look at the lore of the squirrels, it tells a story.

I was stuck on the pigs. Such cute pigs. And I still have such guilt about spanking my pig for two days. I miss him. Spanky wherever you are. I love you. I love that little pig. Even when he charged me and tried to murder me, I just loved him. So cute. I love an animal, like a pet that's like, stomps their feet and then comes charging at you and tries to knock you down. Like, that's my child. Please don't make me get rid of him. Yeah.

So then we go to a rock climbing facility and Denise meets up with her daughters. This place is called Boulder Dash. Get it. And Denise basically is hoping that, you know, she's still trying to work on her daughter's relationship because at the last time we saw them, the daughters shook hands after feuding over some boy. So now Denise is trying to get them to.

Climb together and bond together. Yeah, she goes up to the climbing instructor and she's like, "Alright, here's why we're here. I did a show called Special Forces."

You heard of it? Have you heard of that? He's like, no. Okay. So someone without a TV. Wow. We got a reader over here. Good for you. So anyway, super physical. And one of the things I did when I started training was the rock climbing. So I want to do that again. Do you have a JoJo Siwa here to carry Tom Sandoval through the rapids? That would be great. Yeah.

I did not remember. I was like, what is special? I didn't realize special forces was that show on Fox that like Sandoval was on and everything. I didn't realize she was actually on that show where they have to go through bootcamp and climb around on everything. Yeah. Yeah. I thought it was like Jojo family. I thought, cause it just, you know, once that show, I remember when it was on, it's just that like, once it was gone, it's such a generic name, special forces. I just assumed special forces was some, um,

like syndicated TV show from like 1997 that she was on, you know, like that show Birds of Prey or whatever. So I don't know why people would do that for a reality show. It just sounds too hard. Like maybe special skills like you put on your resume when you're an actor, you know, like I tap dance or I roller skate or I can hold a peanut M&M in my belly button for four days at a time.

But some people love that shit. They love doing like the faux military thing. So, you know, but I like it sounds like a nightmare for me. So, yeah, so she was so she's like she she did some rock climbing for that show. And so now she's into it. She got the she got the taste for it. So they they.

They're putting on their shoes and Sam is like, "I feel like I'm gonna get an ingrown toenail from these shoes. Oh, man, all right, it's just a short period of time, okay? I'll pay for your pedicure, you dumb little bitch." So they're starting to go up and the climbing instructor's telling Denise, "Okay, just as nice and easy, think of dance." And Sam was like, "Oh, yeah, she can't dance." So she tried it, but it didn't work. That's why she had to become an actor.

No dollar bills. Zero dollar bills. Fun fact, I signed up for Special Forces because I actually thought it was a dancing show. So that was a bit of a surprise when I...

When I arrived with my ready to do a Paso Doble and they made me jump off a bridge. So, you know, what can I say? It's life. So now it's Sammy's turn and the climbing instructor is like, I haven't seen a lot of climbers wearing hoops, but hey, I guess it's a new adventure. And she's like, yeah, I don't go a day without my hoops. Hmm.

And Denise is like, yeah, I thought, hey, Lola, I thought she said boobs, not hoops. Think about that. So now they climb and then they do show a shot of Sammy and it does look like she's climbing with her boobs. She's got big boobs. So it looks like they're grabbing onto the thing. And so they climb it and they still hate each other. You know, she's like, well, I'm so glad you girls are talking again. So listen, I need your help because, you know, Brock, she wants to plan Godzilla's memorial now.

I know, it's creepy. No one told me he was dead. I didn't know he was dead, though. And so Sammy's like, yeah, Godzilla's dead. We should get a custom cake. A cake that looks like Godzilla. And where should we do the memorial? Maybe in a nice park? We could bring other lizards there.

Denise is like, she says, well, okay, so here's the story. Brooke, Charlie's ex, had this dragon lizard for 20 years, but then had to relinquish him to my care because she was going to rehab. So just left Godzilla on my door and was like, here, take the fucking lizard. And I didn't even know how to take care of this dumb thing. But, you know, it was cute. I liked him. So we put him up in the penthouse.

Yeah, you know, he's scary when you first see him. He's a fucking huge. He looks like a dragon. But we had him for nine months and then he passed, you know. I mean, I didn't know how I was doing, but I learned. I made him a general store, a mall to go around in. You know, he didn't really get along with the squirrels too well. We don't talk about that part. But, you know, he had a primary suite, a balcony. Yeah. I mean, all sorts of like little miniature buildings. We could walk around and step on them and be all Godzilla like.

So then, um, so we see that a flashback to two days earlier where Denise and Aaron have given Brooke ashes of Godzilla. And Brooke is like, in a way he was like my little soulmate. Would you guys, you guys want to do a memorial, maybe plan something? They're like, uh,

Sure. Brooke, have you not done enough? We took care of your fucking lizard while you were in rehab, the nerve. So now she's like, yeah, guys, you want to do a Memorial, like plan something for him. That would be great. Brooke's an odd cookie too. I'm glad they included Brooke on this. I'm not really sure what her mouth is doing while she's talking or what her deal is, but I like her. She's like, throw me a Memorial. Okay. All right. Just tell me where to go. Bye.

Yeah. You know, at this point, Denise has taken in so many animals, which on the flip side means you've had to bury so many animals that it's like, wait, what?

You just move on and get another animal, right? She's like, a memorial? Okay. So no one wants to do this memorial, but they're going to do it. Denise wants a project for the daughters to work on together. So she's like, it's going to be a happy thing. A happy thing where we celebrate the life of a lizard in a public park. But I don't even feel like I'm meant to go because I didn't ever hang out with Godzilla ever.

And he's like, but you care about Brooke, don't you? She's like, yeah. She's like, well, that's her kid. So like, when's it going to be? He's like, Saturday. Yes. You got three days to make a memorial. You can do it. She's like, well, I can't do it on Saturday. I've got work, mom. She's like, well, if it were a person, you can get off of work. But yeah, but obviously if it was a person, I would go, but this isn't a person. No, just don't say it's a person. Just say it's a memorial and you gotta go. Come on. I mean, they're not going to tell you you can't go to a memorial. You know, what kind of cookie hut is this?

"You know, with Brooke, I pray that she's okay. But like, I think she was like married to my dad." "Yeah, I'm pretty sure she married to... Who is this woman who always hangs out with me?" - She doesn't even know. - None of the kids, neither of the kids even remembers that Brooke was married to the dad, Charlie Sheen. She's like, "Wait." And then Sammy goes, "Yeah, wait, was she married to him?" And she goes, "Yes, you didn't know she was married to your dad, come on."

And she goes, you were there. She goes, how old was I? You were young. I don't know shit. I don't know. Clearly, honey. Clearly, you don't know shit. So they're going to have to go shopping tomorrow for this lizard memorial. And then Lola's like, so by the way, Sammy, did you have fun with the climbing? No. Me neither. So Denise is going to have these wacky kids put a funeral together. And that's going to be their bondings.

You know, it's like, well, you know, they're negative kids. Give them a death. Maybe that'll bond them. She's like, you know, any opportunity to work together, I'll help them get over their shit. So good luck. And Aaron's like, but hey, how come whenever we have to help somebody, we're the ones that get stuck? Hey, why don't you stop your bitching, sir, when your whole family is living in her Malibu home? What the hell? Yeah, that's right.

So she's like, well, when she was crying, she said she wants her out with the memorial. Did you think she was serious? He's like, no. I'm like, um, you know, but to be fair, like, does anyone ever think Aaron's serious about anything that he's saying? Like with magnetic healing and big pharma coming after him. So Denise is like, well, she was, but then she didn't even take the box of this shit. He's like, yeah, well,

you know she left it like that can't be that important we really have to do this she's like well we'll give it to her on saturday so by the way yeah i'm sure she's gonna love that she's like wow my lizard's dead okay now i get a trailer full of this fake western town that you guys built him in a penthouse great

Also, polite golf clap to Aaron for he's like, I'm going to do this scene. I'm going to show some chest cleave. He's like he like had his robe perfectly positioned that we could show off like the best features of his chest. He's like, yeah, I'm just going to sit here in the scene with my robe at a perfect V right now for America to see. I was like, you did that on purpose, sir.

Well, yeah, I got to earn that money. So Sammy and Lola are driving and Lola's like, "Sammy, can I borrow your hairbrush?" She's like, "Um, no." "But I want to fix my hair." "No." "But my hair's not dirty." She's like, "Um, it's a Mason Pearson brush, so..." So then Siri's like, "Sorry, I didn't quite catch that." And they all laugh. And then Lola's like...

"You know, I've never heard of someone having a memorial for a lizard. Like, we never even did that for one of our dogs." And she's like, "Yeah." It's not weird coming from mom. She's like, "Let that lizard sleep in her bed." That's really disturbing. Once you've slept with Charlie Sheen, I guess it's like, "Memorial of Mary, am I right?"

So Sammy's like, "Yeah, you know, mom had this like weird habit of accessorizing Godzilla in all her pets. She makes them wear wigs." See all these pictures of this lizard and little tiny wigs that she had made for it. Little sunglasses.

The little, this lizard with a hat on. It was ridiculous. So then Lola gets a phone call. She's like, oh my God, why is it no caller ID calling me? Is it God? And then they answer and this guy starts saying, yo, I'm not trying to apologize. And she just hangs up and she's like, oh my God, I've like blocked him everywhere. Just like,

I made it clear that I just want to be friends with him, like he doesn't follow Jesus or make him the center of his life. I just hung up on this guy who was like, "I'm just trying to talk to you." No, follow Jesus! Your first call should have been to Jesus, our Lord, okay? And your second call could have been to me.

And Sammy's like, well, I think I'd like to have a word with him then. She goes, you don't need to do that. And Sammy's like, yeah, I'm very overprotective of my sister. If any guy doesn't respect my sister, I'm going to knock him in the nuts. And I just want her to do that for me. Okay, but that was her friend first.

So I know that you're trying to make this huge, like I'm the better sister because I stand up more. But no, that was her friend first. Sorry. Yeah. And we also don't know the full context of why you and that guy broke up, because as far as we can see, Sammy, you're maybe not the best decision maker in this group here. So I'm not saying I'm not going to take sides, but I also would like to hear the full story before I start going hard in the paint. Team Lola. Yeah. Team Lola. I'm team Lola.

So now they go to a frame store and they have had a picture of this Gila monster thing blown up. And, um,

they're going to get it framed for this thing. So then the store owner is like, "Oh, an iguana. Is he, did he pass?" And I'm like, "Yeah, but he was around for like 20 years." He's like, "Wow. Okay. Well, how about this and this? I'll go get that done." And so Sammy's like, "So do you want to do like a prayer?" And she goes, "Oh my God, really? You think I should do a prayer? Me? A prayer? Oh my God. I could never do a prayer. I should do a prayer. Oh my God. It's my first prayer solo. Prayer, prayer.

I'm going to be so alone. I'm going to have nightmares about this for days. It's like, oh, Jesus Christ. Read something off your fucking phone.

I mean, you did a prayer for taco Tuesday last week. I think you can do one for a lizard. Yeah. But there's no, like, there's no like person, the Bible for like lizards, but like, I could still do a pair for a lizard. And it's like, yeah, there weren't prayers for tacos either. He managed it. He'll be fine. People find a way to pray for a lot of things. I think you think you can find one for Godzilla. So then Sammy's like, Oh, I just noticed you copied my hair. She's like, um, I wear clips in my hair every single day. Sammy. She's like, okay, whatever.

And they do have the exact same hair. I like the part in the car where she, Sammy's like, or Lola's like, I just got my nails done. She's like, let me look at them. Not my favorite. Well, it's just because you don't like bright colors. And she's like, yeah, I do. Look at my nails. She gives her the middle finger. I love these two kids. These wacky kids. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappin's commercial.

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So then we go to the Henry restaurant and Denise is saying, you know, I think people are surprised I can get passed off. I mean, I don't hold grudges with people. I mean, did Godzilla eat half of my calf? Yes. But, you know, it wasn't really his fault. And I move forward. I'm one of resolution, you know. And so then we see the unmistakable sight of Erika Jayne's legs walking into the restaurant. Also because we've seen the trailer. And she's like, hi!

Denise is like, Oh God, fuck. So I'll never forget my first year knowing you, which is kind of a lie. Cause I've forgotten most of it, but this part I do know we had so much fun in our content. And he's like, Oh yeah, we just, we just, uh, yes, I think. But you know, I was upset after your barbecue cause we were talking and he said, Oh, my kids are there. Do you remember this? So we see the flashback.

Denise calling Erica into a coffee shop because she was talking about threesomes where her children could hear. This might be why Sammy's on OnlyFans for all we know.

Yes, so she's like, you know, I just felt a little judged because we were all talking about sex, but I was the one that got taken to coffee. So Denise is like, well, I wasn't mad. I just wanted coffee. And at that time, you were actually wealthy, so I thought I could get a freak up a joke from you. So anyway, I just wanted you to know, I don't want to be talking about threesomes. That's it. She's like, but I felt called out. She's like, well, I really am. I really am sorry for that. Well, I'm sorry, too.

like oh wow it only took like five years to bury the hatchet on this one five with four different attempts and this is how you make up you just forget that half of the stuff happened right because the way they retell the story it's like oh she was talking about threesomes denise didn't like that but what denise really didn't like was she said please stop talking about threesomes around my kids and erica said they're already having threesomes honey

How old are your kids? They probably already had them or something like that. That's why Denise got all pissed off. But they just leave that part out so they can make up. Yeah. And yeah, like Erica probably was the only one called out because the producers were like, okay, Denise and Erica, you guys need to have a scene. So they're like, okay, we'll talk about this. And then it turns into something that has haunted the two of them for five years.

So Denise tells us, you know, whether it's something with your dad or something with Erica Jane, I want to show you and your sister, Sammy, that you can get past that. You know, it just takes five years of holding on to a grudge that happened in a coffee shop. And maybe a really awkward weed party where someone accused me of wearing my coat upside down. Now that bitch I'm not forgiving.

So, then they basically, Denise and Erica are like, okay, we're going to be friends now. And then Erica's like, by the way, Denise, thanks for reaching out during my divorce and my legal issues I had. And I'd like to add, what about me? Why didn't anyone ask me about why? You know, you went through all this stuff with a lizard. Where was the sympathy I got for my lizard? You got a lizard? No, but I could have had one. Where was my messages? Yeah. And she's like, uh, yeah.

Yeah, you know, we're having a memorial for, you know, Godzilla. Who's Godzilla? A lizard. Oh, geez. I was married to a lizard. I'm not going to have a memorial for that motherfucker. Do you know what he did to me?

So now we have this montage. It's like a work cause we're going out. We're going to go over to the memorial now and we see memories of Godzilla played by like, then we hear like the Requiem in the background, which is funny because at the Oscars this year when they did the end memoriam, they also played the Requiem, which is the one that's like, Oh,

It's like a very serious piece of like scary church music. That's like, it doesn't feel like morning to me. It kind of feels like you're like going into church to be like,

I don't know, to do something very serious, to have, I don't know, like kneel down in front of a priest and have something done to you or whatever. Not sexually, just like some sort of churchy thing. So we hear this music playing and we are seeing flashbacks of Godzilla's life. Godzilla in a cowboy hat. Godzilla with a cake made of Fig Newtons. Things like that.

And all these photos. My favorite is there's a sign in table and it has a photo of Godzilla and the next to him is a photo of Stevie Nicks. Yeah. And Brooks shows up. She's like, oh my God, this is amazing guys. Thank you so much. And Denise is like, ah, did you guys get around my Brooks Jewish? Oh my God. Wait a minute. I'm about to do something for a Jewish person. Oh no. Oh my God.

So, um, they have this little ceremony and Lola's like "Okay guys, here we go, big moment!" "Um, so, we gather here today to remember a lizard and bless the beasts and the children

And here's to you, here's to me. May we never disagree. If we do, fuck you. Godzilla's dead. Yay. Wait, was that a prayer or was that a toast? I don't know. Thanks for the crap you got. I'm done. Nailed it. And Aaron's like, I'd like to say something. You know, this guy, he was a fucking lizard. And lizards are, you know, badass. So I was like, wow, you're like badass because you're a lizard. So...

Thanks. Brooke's like, yeah, you know, he was a lizard. And there were days that I just felt so bad. And the only thing that would make me feel good was him and heroin. But, you know, heroin's not dead. So we'll get to that when we get to that. But thanks, gods. Loved you, buddy.

So, now we go on to the next episode, episode four, called Only Pans. And Denise tells us, you know, people always say, you know, that I've had plastic surgery on my face, which I haven't. You know, I just got bit by Godzilla a few times. I mean, talk about the original nip and tuck, lizard bites. But I've had my boobs done, which, you know, and I have to have them done again.

Because the show I did, that special forces show, Potluck Influence. Have you seen that? Denise, they can't answer you. They're a TV audience.

All right. Let's just assume they've seen them under, unlike motherfucking Boulder Dash cocksucker. I really thought, I really thought Carrie Ann and Napa would be on there. I mean, they kept saying Foxtrot and Tango so many times. I mean, who would it be? You can't, you can't, can't hurt a girl for being mistaken there, huh? Or blame them. So she jumped off a bridge in Special Forces and popped her implants. So she has to get new ones. Why have you not gotten new ones since? Did they just take the implants out? What happened?

- Aren't you just allowed to walk around with popped implants? What the hell, what the Yolanda Foster is this? - I know, what does that, what does that mean? What is that like? So Lola's like, "Um, you..." - "You didn't tell me that. I would never jump off a drip." - Lola's always the last to find out about something, like Godzilla dying, Denise jumping off a bridge, Sammy getting a nose job.

about that i would you know i would go stay out of it i mean i really would i really would go skydiving but i would i'd never jump off a bridge i mean that's scary down there but i think it's funny that she doesn't even bother watching her mom's shows she's like what that happened she's like it was on tv goddamn we'll walk out

So then we go to kitchen number one, townhouse studio number one, and Denise is turning her kitchen into a studio. Because I'm going to make cooking content. You know, my mom would laugh if she saw me being filmed cooking because, you know, she wasn't a cook when I was younger. But here's me. And Aaron's like, yeah, she can cook. Her videos are charming. I've ejaculated to every single one. So, dicks up.

two days. Yeah. And she's basically like, you know, a lot of stuff, but the one thing I haven't been able to perfect has been pasta mainly because I don't follow any recipes and I don't know how to make it, but I just put a bunch of stuff in a bowl and hope for the best. But yeah,

Yeah, I come really close. Am I really close? Not close at all. I think I actually once made paper by accident. I actually somehow made paper. You know, I just want to show people like I'm like you, you know, you just have to keep trying. I got the most expensive flower setting from Italy.

And I mean, I still haven't gotten it right. I mean, look, you don't have to get the most expensive flour from Italy, but you can keep trying. And that's the point. Every video is going to be a mistake that's never really fixed. So will you know how to cook by the end of this video? Probably not. But you'll feel better about yourself.

Look, I'm just like anyone in their home. Drop a few thou on some imported flour, buy some cameras, set up an entire filming rig, and make some pasta without knowing how to do it and just burn through that flour and just waste all that money. And just like any other normal person, you know what I'm saying? Mm-hmm.

So now she's making her video and her kids are cracking up at her and she's like, "Sami has to be the egg cracker." And she's like, "Okay, Sami, get a couple of yolks in there." She's like, "Oh my God, is that like the yellow part or like the orange part? Oh my God, I've got salmonella on my hands." And then we see the bowl of yolks and it's like half filled with whites as well. This is not going to go well. This is like an odd combination.

This is like an... I just like that Denise is... I appreciate that she's just going to try to eyeball it like the Nonas did back when, before there were cookbooks and YouTube videos and Food Network. But

But also we have all those things now. So at least like read the recipe beforehand and get like a general game plan. Cause this is just going in such a disastrous way, but it's funny though. So they're, so they're cracking the egg. They make this, they make this dough. And then she's like, we see this, like the, the recipe on screen as it sort of unfurls out of Denise's head. She's like, okay, so we, four eggs, four more eggs, one cup of flour, one cup of, well, mainly flour. Maybe, I don't know, maybe two cups, maybe four cups.

Maybe like three cups. You know what? Here, do we have any nicotine? We can just throw in there. I don't know. Just give it, perk it up and make it exciting.

Just a chopped up cigarette. Get some of the peanut squirrels things, throw them in there. Maybe at least they'll like it. All right, we're supposed to rest the dough for a bit. One hour, two hours, three hours. I don't know, something like that. Like, Mom, how do we do this? So they wrap it up and then they put the dough in the fridge. And she goes, okay, resting's done. She's like, Mom, I just put it in there. She's like, well, we're going to fake it because it's a cooking show. So that's what they do on the cooking show. They just throw it in the fridge and they bring it right back out.

Right. Yeah. I thought what she was going to say was here's, here's some that I made earlier today that has been resting and now we're going to, she's like, no, she's like, no, I'm going to put it in and we're gonna take it out right away. That's not how the cooking shows work.

So she just starts sending this like unrested dough and it comes out just holes and goopy. Now, I don't know if this was a fault with the recipe or if it had rested, if it somehow would have gone through the pasta machine better. I don't know what it was, but it was a very rustic noodle. We'll just say that. Yeah. So then she is driving Sammy to a pre-op appointment in her Corvette.

And Sam is like, oh my God, mom, I like seriously have car sickness. I'm going to die in this car. I hate this fucking car, mom. Why do you have to drive a stick shift? Car sickness. Why does everybody that age have car sickness? I don't get it. I've asked this before on the show, but it's like an epidemic of young people who have car sickness. Yeah, they're weak. They're weak. Weaklings.

So Denise is like, yeah, well, I drive stick and people are surprised that I drive stick, but I also know how to ride stick. If you know what I'm saying, Aaron, see you tonight. So then she says, uh, she's like, are you excited to meet your doctor? And Sammy is really excited because she's going to get her nose done. And she's wanted her, the things that she's wanted to get done the most are her boobs and her nose. And she was like, oh my God, I've wanted to get my nose done even longer than my boobs. Yeah.

Yeah. And life goals. So she's like, you know, I just, she said that she was like really insecure about being flat chested and then she got bullied in school. And then, um, people would say that she looked like her dad and she just didn't want to look like her dad because you know, she's, and then people would say that she's not as pretty as her mom and people are such monsters. Jeez. Seriously. Are terrible. Yeah. She said someone commented just the other day that she'll never be as pretty as her mom. Like, okay, well then stop paying for my only fans. You fucking troll.

So, um, Sammy's like, you know, I just think with my nose done, I'll look like more feminine. Cause like, it's like a really hard feature on my face. And Denise is like, oh my God, my daughter wants to get her nose. Doesn't feel perfect. Cause like she just wants her nose to be like my fucking nose. Like, sorry for having a fucking perfect nose. I can't believe my nose did this to my daughter. I'm just going to get my fucking nose cut off.

And Denise is like, well, I'm also a little nervous because you said you don't want me there for the surgery. She's like, yeah, you just make me anxious, mom. And I'd rather have like my best friend there who's not going to stress me out. So by the way, I'd be like, you little brat, I'm paying for this thing. So I'm going to be there.

Um, so they go to the doctor's office and, um, Lola. And so they sit down, they meet with him and he basically is like, hi, welcome. Hello. His eyes are so frighteningly wide. He's terrifying. This guy's fucking terrifying. I don't know what's going on with this guy, but he's like, welcome to my office. Everything's going to go great. We're just going to fillet your nose. I know. He's like, I'm going to make my splash on TV. I'm going to do it. I'm going to wear a big tie and bulge my eyes out. I'm ready. I'm the new Dr. Blank.

i forgot his last name nazif yeah so then um uh meanwhile we cut to lola at home and she is she's at this house and the three golden retrievers are running around everywhere there's poop everywhere she's cleaning up they're like tackling each other on they're like playing on the sofa and she's losing her mind and trying to set up a crate she's like mom

What do I do? This is like too much. You know, I could do all things through Christ, but like, I think I'm actually a builder. Look, I made crates. So she's going through it over there and she basically leaves a voicemail. Like when you're coming back, mom, because these dogs are too much. Yeah. Yeah.

So then back to the office, Denise is like, wait a minute. Does dad know not to tell anyone? Cause he'll tell people. She's like, um, I don't know mom, but if you tell Lola, it's like telling everybody. Okay. Cause she tells everyone everything. Like when I got my implants done, I told so many people, I got so many opinions. Like some people said go bigger. Some people said go smaller. Someone suggested I get like hot wheels put in my boobs. Like what the hell does that even mean? I almost did it. I don't want anybody to know about my nose.

Even though I'm on TV. Yeah. And she's like really upset because the source of this is that when she told everyone she was going to get implants, she got a lot of input from people and they were like, you should go smaller instead of bigger. You're going to like, you're going to regret going bigger. And then she went smaller and she wants bigger. And she's like really mad that people got into her head and like told her to go smaller when she wants to go really big. Don't trust. You know what? It trusts a village to fuck up your boob implants. Yeah.

So this is when the doctor was like, we're going to fillet the cartilage on your nose. And Denise is like, oh, wait a minute. Let me tell you someone with a cooking show. What do you mean? You're going to fillet her nose. I don't know. It's like, well, you know, just, we're going to fillet the cartilage. We're just going to shave it off the top, like a layer of sushi. And they're like, uh, bedside manner. All right. Let's work on that. Fuck.

Better bedside manner and fucking special forces. You know, being on time. You seen it? No, it's really good. We fillet things there too. Mainly fish.

And then he shows, like, here's the nose before, and this is what it's going to look like after. And it's, like, the smallest little difference. They're probably going to charge, like, $40,000 for it. Like, this tiny little thing. And Sammy's like, oh, that's already such a major difference. I was like, it's so small. But, you know, people have, you know, everyone has their thing. So then we go to...

townhouse number two and we have denise making a snack for eloise and denise is you know asking if she's ready to go to school because her tutor comes over or her teacher miss angie and denise tells us about um raising eloise and how eloise has is special needs and she's mainly non-verbal and that they had her in a classroom for a while but um kids are just brash

brats, as we've already seen earlier in this episode. Kids were mean and they saw that she came home wanting smaller boobs. I mean, kids, am I right? We got her homeschooled after that.

So she's been working with this teacher and she's really starting to blossom and she's mainly nonverbal, but she can speak. She can speak about like 10 words. And when she says them, she says them very quietly, but she clearly can like hear, like she, she hears you processes and she's starting to learn how to respond over text, which is really fascinating. Yeah. So the teacher's like, okay, you're going to answer with a yes or a no. Okay. Eloise, do you want to paint another pumpkin? Yeah.

Okay, why are you sending me an eggplant, Eloise? You're a very bad girl. Very bad girl, Eloise.

and the producer's asking eloise if she gets along with her sisters and she's like nodding and smiling she's so sweet and so cute and denise is like well i definitely think that eloise brings out the best in samuel they just light up with her and you know she's very savvy with the phone and the computer oh we did have a little mishap where i didn't realize that some of my only van pictures were synced up to her ipad so that was a that was a little bit of an oopsie moment the teacher's like well that explains the eggplant god i'll swell the dense well am i right

So then we go to... These were just OnlyFans pictures popped up on Eloise's iPad. And the producer's like, well, what'd you think of those pictures, Eloise? And Eloise just starts cracking up. She's like, aww.

Okay. So then we go to, um, Denise and Aaron setting up a backdrop because now she's, she's such a good cook. She's proved that she really is ready for a cooking show by not being able to make pasta two times in a row. So now she's like, all right, I came up with another idea. I mean, people think Denise Richards cooking show boring. So, uh, well, okay, here's what we're going to do is going to be called only pans. Right? So I got these little pans. I'm going to put them over my boobs.

All right. So then they'll be like, oh, you know, maybe if we pitch it and they don't like it, we can say, but it pans over booms. Who doesn't want that?

Yeah, you know, you have to do things over the top to get someone's attention. After a while, people saw me as a sex symbol, so I had to dial it down a little bit, do something different. So I started cooking, and I do a lot of Christmas movies, do a lot of conservative movies. But now I want to embrace my sexuality. So I thought, you know what? Let me do this project that will appeal neither to the people who want to see me as a sex object nor the people who want to see me in Christmas movies. Just me, pans over my boobs, making bad pasta. Yeah.

So they do a photo shoot and Aaron's just saying things like, oh yeah, turn up the heat. Am I right? Fuck yeah. Yeah. God, some reason right now I want a fucking omelet. Babe, I'm sucking in my gut. So

So now we go to Sammy and pre-op and she's in the waiting room and her friend Leah is there. Leah is her friend who went to the rave with her. And it's so funny because like Sammy is now out of makeup because she's going to surgery and she looks so much. She's like a kid again. And like, she looks like she is 14. It's just crazy. Right. And I'm like, oh my God. So she is, she's like, well, maybe I should have had Lola here. So she could have said like 85 stupid prayers for me. Yeah.

She's like, yeah, I'm glad my mom didn't come. And then it cuts to Denise holding pants over her boobs. She's like, yeah, you know, it kind of hurt my feelings. I mean, what mother, what good mother doesn't want to be there when their kid's getting filleted? All right. Sammy's like, yeah, if my mom was here, she'd be asking a bunch of stupid questions. Roll the tape of stupid questions. We've seen the doctor. She's like, what do you mean by filleted? All right. Do you have a computer that does that? Do you do it? Do you ever blink? Because I haven't seen you blink.

It's just weird that I'm not there for her nose job. I mean, I was there when, you know, Godzilla got his facelift. So you think I'd be there for Sammy, but I guess I just got too much anxiety. Godzilla didn't mind when I was watching him get his waddle cut off. So I don't fucking deal with it. You know, when Godzilla got his lipo, I was of great support to him, but it's fine if, you know, she's an adult, she can choose who she wants with her.

So Lola and Denise are driving together and Lola's like, well, I'm really excited to get some stuff for the dogs. They're really out of control. I tried to say a prayer for them. It just didn't work, but I did build a cage. So, well, I need your help for them with all the dogs. She's like, Paul, we can

She's like, "Yeah, why can't Sammy wash them?" "Well, you know, she's got her nose job." "Oh no, did I just say that out loud?" "Oh God, I'm so sorry." "What? She's getting a nose? That's crazy. Like, why couldn't she just be happy with her nose? I just don't get it. It's not even a big deal. It's your fault, mother." And she's like, "I have no problems keeping secrets. That's why I'm shocked. I just slept." And Lola's like, "Yeah, telling secrets to my mom never ends well."

She's like, but you can't tell anybody. I don't care enough to tell people. I mean, the Lord knows that's all that matters. She's like, okay, well, now I feel horrible. I, you know, I'm really, oh God, I really can't believe I fucked up. Well, you know, I won't tell anyone. No, I'm talking about the pasta. I'm just back on that. I really should have let it rest. And then we see Sammy go under for her nose filet and dun, dun, dun. Will Sammy come back looking like

He who shall not be named from Harry Potter? Or will she come back with the nose she's always dreamed of? Or will the doctor give her what she really wants, which is just a big tit instead of a nose? Who knows? We'll find out. So it's going to be a pressing question that will carry us all through the week. So thanks, everyone, for being here and for listening. And hopefully we'll see a bunch of you this weekend at our shows. And for everyone else, we'll catch you in the next episode.

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At 24, I lost my narrative, or rather it was stolen from me. And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours. Something you possess is lost or stolen, and ultimately you triumph in finding it again.

So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks, both recognizable and unrecognizable names about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph. My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank up. They connected with the people that I'm talking to and leave with maybe some nuggets that help them feel a little more hopeful.

Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.