#2771 Summer House S906: Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Loverboy
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Hi.

Hi, what's going on with you, baby? Not much. We are here today to talk Summer House. And then tomorrow we are flying off to Charlotte where we will be recapping the season finale of Southern Charm Saturday night.

And then following that on Sunday, we'll be in Atlanta and we will be recapping the classic Real Houses of Orange County episode, bringing up Old Ghosts, season 11, episode 16. It's where Megan King Edmonds goes around saying, are you an old tool? Are you an old tool? And then there's many other funny things. It's a great episode. Excited to revisit it. Go to WatchWhatCrapHands.com to get your tickets for it.

either show, maybe both show, be a roadie, who knows? We're also going to plenty of cities afterwards. We will be going to DC and Philadelphia in about 10 days. And then after that, we will be in April, we are going to Boston, Detroit, and Chicago all in one weekend. So that's going to be a lot of fun. And then in May, we'll have two shows in Texas and Las Vegas. So we're

It's been so much fun being out on tour. Come join us and patreon.com slash watch your crap ends so you can watch us on video and you get access to our bonus episodes. Last week we did airport snaps where we sat around in an airport in Cincinnati and talked about all the people who are around us. And it was quite an experience. So that is all the news that is fit to print. Unless I missed anything. Did I miss anything? Ronnie? I don't know.

But here we are with Summerhausen season nine, episode six. I don't know what it's called. Spritzer feud. Bubbles. Ooh, tensions bubbling. Ooh. Tensions bubbling. Is that what it's called? Oh, that makes sense. That's clever. That's nice. So we open up and we're in New York City and they're being very jazzy about it. Like, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, New York City. And Jesse pulls up.

To pick up West. This is a big bromance episode for the two of them. It's like a big douchey barstool sports kind of love that they have this episode, which regrettably I thought was kind of endearing. But still, I was like, but also, oh, but, you know, I found nothing endearing.

I can't help myself. Nothing endearing. Don't get soft. Don't get soft on me. I'm just manipulated. They wanted to tell the story about how these guys have kind of a cute bromance. And I was like, fine. I will succumb. I just, you know, the whole time they were driving in that car together, the boys are like, boy, do you want to howl or do you want to bark? Some of us bark and some of us, oh.

I was like, oh my God. I would love to just see these guys get beat up in Texas. That's what I want to see. I want to see these guys try and pull in front of one of those big pickup trucks in Texas and just watch their asses get kicked. Because that's all I think of with guys like this. It's like you're going to get your ass kicked one day. And I want to be there to see it.

I was not about the dog thing. And I forgot like that was the thing that Carl used to do all the time. I totally forgot about it because Carl reconnects with it because he's definitely like, hey, I'm like a cool, cool guy again. I'm a dog. I'm a dog. So you sound like an old horn from the 20s, dude. But.

Carl has gone through this kind of transformation where he is really different and he just looks shell-shocked. And it's before even Lindsay is the whole his sobriety is his acted a different way towards him. It's like he's come out of.

It's like if you've ever watched those movies. Okay, have you ever seen one of those movies? Here's a trope that they do a lot. Or a TV show where someone wakes up, but they have no memory. And then the whole thing is them trying to figure out who they were. And then sometimes they find out that they committed murder or something like that. Carl's that character. He just has woken up and he's like, who am I? I don't even know who I am anymore. Do I like soda? Do I like...

What's that? Soft? Soft. I'm going to call it soft. Maybe that's what I do. You know what? I'm going to make a pirate party. Oh, he just doesn't seem to know who he is. He's trying to like get little clues from places to figure out who he is.

Yeah, he's like, he's a very sad person. I feel like sad in terms of like, he looks lost, I should say. So then speaking of... That's what I mean. He looks confused. It's like, yeah, it's like somebody with some, maybe like later in life where they're not remembering and there's just that moment of like looking confused. He's got that. I feel like he's always trying to convince himself that he's happy. Like there's a look on his face, like he's not happy and he's trying to like find what something and it's actually...

That's actually really exciting. Well, I get that, you know. But I think the best part of life is just learning that you're not having –

Like most of the time, I think life is just not happy. And it doesn't mean you have to be miserable and depressed, but it doesn't mean like you're, it just means you're not walking around every day. Oh my God. I think sometimes people equate sobriety with like, oh, maybe I'm not sober. So then I'll get sober or lose weight or whatever it is. I'm going to do this thing. And then that's going to make me happy. And then you're like, this is really fucking boring. And I think part of it is just realizing that life is kind of boring and that's,

that's the path we're on, baby. It's called the human existence, you know? It's like how you deal with it being boring, you know?

What do you do with your board? What do you do with your board? That's what really matters. This may sound crazy. I don't think life is boring at all. I think you've never really had an addiction. So you don't know the, the, and I don't mean, I don't mean it like, well, you wouldn't know. I don't mean it like that. I just mean, what I'm talking about is when you're addicted to something, there's a certain thrill that comes from that addiction, right? So the drugs or the alcohol or the food or whatever it is. So when you take that away, you're like, Oh my God,

This is boring without that. And like normal life kind of is like that. You don't have those stimulants pumping. I don't know why I'm going on about this. It's or to demean your hair, your soul. Yeah. I don't mean to demean your happy life either. I just mean, you already know what it's like. So you know how to fill your time, you know? Yeah. No, I am lucky that I don't have an addiction now. Excuse me. I'm going to pause the podcast and go get five gallons of cold brew. Okay. Bye.

No, no, no. I get what you're saying. Like if like, you know, I can I can I should say I can imagine I am fortunate that I don't I don't have any like hardcore addictions and that like maybe like life can seem a little dull or less vibrant when you come down from that. But I don't know. Has not been my my experience, but I can understand how that can be.

Well, and I think that you're someone to look up to too, because for someone like me, you know, I look at someone like you and you do know how to fill your life with really positive things. You know, I see you do it. You, you really do. You have a full dance card. You keep it moving, you know?

So, I mean, hopefully that's a good thing. Maybe, maybe I'm secretly like very sad and I just have to fill myself with activities, but I actually don't think so. I think I'm actually pretty happy. And, um, you know, sometimes I do think I'm actually addicted to like, I know it sounds ridiculous. This is not the same as heroin, but I do think I'm addicted to certain things. Like I, I,

like I buy a lot of board games, I buy a lot of cookbooks and I'm like, I have to, I don't need to buy these things. Like keep buying them because I love them and they make me happy. But then I don't get to, I don't cook out of my cookbooks or I had some of the games sit on my shelf for like three years before I play them. And I feel like that's probably some sort of addiction on some level, but you know what? I think it doesn't compare to drugs, hardcore drugs. So I'm going to just sort of quietly wrap up that commentary. - Well, we never know. Maybe if one day some, we were like, you have to quit board games.

Ben, maybe we'd see. He'd be like, how do I fill my time? - I will be like, you stole my goddamn house. I mean, I would be like, you're gonna watch out. You better watch out if you take away my games and my cookbooks. - So anyway, I don't know why we're here. The point is Carl's confused. Carl looks very confused. He's always on reset. - None of this excuses the woofing. None of this excuses the woofing. - That's right. And I think that's a car full of douchebags, but I'm glad you found it cute.

I didn't think the car full of douchebags was cute. I thought what was cute was Jesse and West at the house, but the car with, well, because the car also had Carl in it too. I mean, but like in the house, they put the beds together. You can't have, you can't have car without Carl. Doggy on board. Can I say something? I want to talk about this. Since we're talking about dogs, I'm sorry. We're here. It's happening.

I went, it's bagel Thursday today, as some of you may know. And I went to, uh, I went to, I got my bagel and then I went to blue bottle afterwards across the street. Cause I was like, I'm gonna have a nice quiet moment with a cold brew. I snola, I'm sorry. And the people next to me had a bulldog and it was in there. I was at first, I was like, well, whatever. Bulldogs are so cute. They're these big, big, silly dogs. But this dog is,

like was fascinated with the floor and started licking and licking and licking and licking and licking and licking. And I looked down and there was a puddle of dog saliva of, of slobber. And it was just growing and growing. I just kept on licking and it was, it was shiny. It was, it was like, it was three dimensional. It had ripples and bubbles and everything. And it was wide and I was disgusted. I'm sitting here eating this bagel, looking at this growing puddle of saliva and

And I just got so mad because the owners were just sitting there like, I'm like, what? Like, if you know your dog is going to be leaving puddles of saliva in a place where people are eating or drinking, like,

You got to keep that dog outside. I am sorry. And so I am really upset about this. And I don't blame the dog. I blame the owners. People be better. Be more responsible because there are people like me in the world who are absolutely disgusted by your dog's slobber pools. OK, and that's my public service message. One, you know how girls on this show feel.

And two, that dog was just saving that floor from infection. Leave that dog alone. So what if it licked the floor? The floor should thank it. Dog lick is very healthy. This wasn't just like a dog licking the floor. It wasn't like a few like animals do that. It's fine. I almost took a photo and I'm like, I will not take a photo, Ben. You can just move on with your life.

See, and here you said I had a happy life, and here I am getting so angry about a puddle of dog food. I know, I think we're starting to see the dark side. Am I happy? Am I happy? Because look how triggered I am by it, you know? A dog licking a floor, it's what dogs do. Leave the dog alone, let the dog live. You think the dog's sitting there like, I'm going to take a picture of that guy being persnickety in a store and drinking his Nola. No, if you could have seen, it was like someone had spilled some like,

like half a bottle of corn syrup on the floor. It was disgust. It was, it's too much people. Come on. So I don't know. Lip your best life. Lick on Licky. No, you can lick it, lick outside, do it outside. Don't do it where someone could be putting their life flip flop. Well, that dog probably quit doing Coke recently. And now look at it. I was just trying to find some joy in the world. Just fucking leave it alone. We all deal in our own ways.

Okay, so then we go to Paige and Craig picking up Gabby because Gabby is Lindsay free this week. So we'll see how that goes. Frankly, I think it leads to a much better Gabby that she's not like a walker for Lindsay because I feel like I feel like she's a crutch for Lindsay like a walker. And Lindsay's just like, I'm here, my support. I'm here, my support. And so it's nice to see the walker, you know, loosen up and go have some fun.

Yeah. I mean, Lindsay needs that Walker. She always has someone in that capacity. Um, uh, and it will lead to interesting drama of Gabby decides to become independent. Unfortunately, Gabby has really kind of receded into the background of the season. It's like, she's, she's just sort of, you forget she's on the show. She's just not doing much, which is too bad because Gabby's been wonderful in the past. Um,

But anyway, she gets in the car with Craig and Paige and Craig is like, I got you some drinks and we'll have some snacks. And she's like, Oh my God, you got drinks. This is like the best Uber ever. And Paige quietly to herself in the front seat is like, I got the drinks. Yeah. She's like this fucking guy. First I had to see his foot in the sink and Charleston. And now I've got to let him take all the credit for me gathering the cans of poppy. Yeah. Craig taking all the credit.

Did you see, by the way, that Poppy sold for $1.6 billion? Holy crap. Those two people from House Hunters, we recapped an episode on Dwell Hello of House Hunters. Those people who founded Poppy, and this is 2020 or 2019, so it's before Poppy was big. We kind of invented Poppy is what I'm saying. They just sold for $1.6 billion. You're welcome, Poppy.

It was me going on Dwell Hello and talking about how shitty your soda is that propelled you to this $1.6 billion deal. Yeah, that hot, hot, that hot, hot guy who was part of that couple. That's what I always remember.

I remember nothing. So they're in the car and making small talk and stuff. And Paige is like, it's Amanda's birthday on Wednesday. So we're going to do like a surprise. We're going to have Kyle stay sober, not make her cry. And I don't know. We're thinking about something with avocados. Not really sure. Let's do a guacamole. That'll break her, Craig. No one is stealing her guacamole.

so then in the other car Jesse's like this is good like everybody shake hands okay I mean you gotta take a hook out this will be great and then everyone's just everyone's just driving everyone's driving and Paige is like so Gabby I'd like to say that you didn't miss much last weekend but you actually kind of missed a lot I was kind of iconic like I'm probably gonna make the season trailer and honestly maybe the mid-season trailer on it they'll just go back and show more of it it was so good

I just want you to know my thigh gap is going to make every cut of the season. You're going to see it in every preview this season. Nobody's got a thigh gap like me. Sorry you missed it, you fucking loser. Oh, by the way, Kyle was trying to yell at me about Craig. I mean, talk about getting some balls. Yeah, he called me a liar on national television. Well, in his defense, you are on national television and you're a fucking pathological liar, Craig.

You do have a tendency to lie while on national television. So he's like, yeah. He went on to watch what happens and he said, wow, Craig lit a house on fire. And I was like, what? And I'm like, Craig, he didn't say that. But he accused me of being a liar. You just lied while defending yourself. Okay. I'm a mayor. A mayor and a literature expert. No, you're not, Craig.

Kyle went on to watch What Happens Live and called Patricia a bitch. It's true. It's true. I swear to God.

Yeah, you want to watch what happens? And he accused me of being a liar. And I'm like, what? I don't lie about anything ever. I don't lie. It's a story because I'm a storyteller. She's like, well, because Craig told him he was going to invest in another alcohol company. I mean, even if I had, like, what bearing does it even have on Kyle's life at all? I mean, that space is massive. Kylie and Kendall are sisters and they each have a fucking alcohol brand. Yeah, Kyle. He's like, yes.

Thank you, Craig. Thank you for reminding us that you're basically like a Kardashian just exploring the space.

And Paige is like, oh my God, not the Jenners. Please don't bring them into this. He's like, it's a huge space. Like it doesn't even affect Kyle. So then in the douche car, the guys are like, and Wes is like, oh, hey, Emeril, last summer we barked a lot. Like, I don't know if you want to bark with us, but it comes with a free lady scarf that you get to wear on your head and a trucker's cap that kind of floats five inches from the top of your mushroom hair. So he's like, that's cool. I'm more of a howler. Oh,

Like thanks and roll by the way, just wanna let you know I'm rule it was really cool hearing you how this is probably the last time We're actually gonna have a conversation with you all weekend. Thanks so much for being here Yeah, he's like wow somebody how old and now it smells like syphilis in this car Talk to him roll the whole weekend like you forget him rules like em rules only roll on the show It seems is that he just brings people in anonymously in the middle tonight, and he didn't even do that this weekend. I

Yeah, he just talks about fucking a lot, you know? Yeah. So then Jesse's like, oh, guys, you know, I don't know if you've ever heard Lexi's work, but it goes like this. Woof, woof. It's like so good, you guys. Wow. I'm like not even off of Manhattan. We're already talking about Lexi. Carl's like, whoa. She's staying back on the studio. She's like, yeah, she's in Toronto. Her best friend had a baby. They've already put so much mascara on its cute little face. It's so amazing. Yeah.

Yeah, she said it's like a baby boy and it's already more mature than every guy in this house. So actually pretty amazing. So Carl gets a call. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. One second. Got a call. Got a call. Want to authorize the pickup for my draft? Oh, yeah. Sorry. A little surprise for my party tomorrow.

Sorry, I was going to talk some table stakes because we're going down a vortex. I just want to funnel all this information into the corporate jargon because we're going to open the kimono on like basically soft sodas. And, you know, it's just going to be a real, you know, like come to the table, move the needle moment. Carl. Yeah. Let me tell you a little backstory. I'm from Pittsburgh and they're famous for Pittsburgh pirates. We call them cake eaters. So.

I love pirates. They eat cake. So I'm going to show a throw a shipwreck party. All right. And guess what? My ex-fiance is not going to be there. Let's fucking go. Yeah. Yeah. It's like really hard for me to have like my first pirate party without my ex-fiance. I just need like a little bit of time and space and just want everyone in this house to just treat me a little bit of tenderness right now. Kind of ironic. I'm having a pirate party when the wench is gone. Oh, yeah.

I would walk the plank, but that board is pretty hard. Do we have a soft plank I can walk on? Yeah, I invited a girl, guys, because I'm talking to a girl. She's really cute. I'm attracted to her, and I have a feeling if she's into me, she's going to be kind of like olive oil from the film version of Popeye. So let's see. Hey, does Polly want a cracker? I mean, whatever you want. It's really whatever you want. I don't want to make a decision. I just want Polly to hug me. Okay.

does polly like maybe want a cracker that's gluten-free i mean i'm into that if you need that like i'm here to support your boundaries so is the cracker soft so guys i'm starting a soft cracker company yo ho ho and a bottle of uh seven up so um they do it in europe uh in europe they call it bread but uh here i'm gonna call it soft crackers

It's like my teeth before I got the veneers. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappin's commercial.

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So, um, uh, West is like, Hey, did you, uh, Hey Carl, Hey, did you invite shorty to the party? And he's like, yeah, I invited a girl. He tries so hard. Hey bro, did you buy invite shorty? Please.

please stop someone uncringe him like i'm so cringe every time these him and jesse every time they talk i'm just like oh my butthole clenches he's like hey shorty it's your birthday want to party like it's your birthday we don't even give a if it's not your birthday

Um, so he says, uh, yeah, I'm quite a girl. Uh, she, uh, she sent me a selfie last weekend. She's really pretty. She's tall. She's got a good body and her name is Lil, which is funny cause she's tall, but her name is Lil. It's like, are you tall? Are you Lil? She's like, is she a shorty? Is she a literally shorty? Is she Lil? Or is she shorty? I'm really confused right now, guys. Hey, Lil, you look a little tall. And then I had to wait for a response. I had to wait for a response, but I got a selfie. So it worked out, worked out. We're basically getting married.

We've already decided on our couple name, which is going to be Carl. Carl. Our couple name is Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl.

So he's like, yeah. So she slid into my DMs last year and we started messaging in October. And then fast forward to this summer and she's got a good personality. She's energetic. She's a yoga instructor. And I'm feeling it. I'm feeling Lil. Yeah.

Yeah. And Emeril's like, obviously you're still looking for a connection, right? He's like, yeah, yeah. Looking for a connection. But like, guys, truth be told, let me tell you a secret. I haven't had sex since last summer. So. But wasn't the thing last summer that he wasn't having sex with Lindsay? So I don't think he even had sex last summer, did he? Um, I don't think so. But,

by the way, something else. Wasn't he kind of like shaming Lindsay for like moving on and like after their breakup really quickly with Tanner, like you were texting with Lil in October. I'm sorry. You may not have gone on a date. Maybe you didn't have sex, but you were already playing the field in October, sir. So don't think that got by us. I wasn't seeding it. So I would say that's quite a difference. My field isn't pregnant. So honestly, I thought I was just talking to Lil Wayne.

Turns out it was the organ instructor, a white woman. Ironically enough, I actually was actually texting Lil Wayne as well. And I was like, you look a little short. I did not get a text back. I did not get a selfie from Lil Wayne. So, you know, I'm all like 50-50 right now, which as the cake pirates would stay in my state, arg. So, still winning. Lil Wayne, by the way, does have a message for everyone. He says, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee

So Jesse's like, yeah, guys, we're going to get Carl late this weekend. Lindsay's not going to come, right? And he's like, no. Yeah, I want you to find your pirate's booty. Bark, bark, howl, howl, brah.

debating whether or not to go on a tangent about pirates booty am i gonna do this and the answer is i'll do a very quick one which is that apparently the the founder of pirates booty declared himself the mayor of a town that he lives in in uh long island and was like i'm the mayor now everyone's like no you're not he's like yes and he like is trying to have like a full-on takeover of this town and this happened yesterday this is fresh pirate booty news so you know

Give updates as they come through. And then the makers of Poppy Soda were like, sorry, we just bought your town. We're having it burnt down.

Poppy versus Pirate's Booty. The rivalry continues. So we go to the Hamptons and the Craig van pulls up and Paige is like, oh my God, home sweet home. And Craig's like, is Lindsay coming? And Gabby's like, no, she's with Turner's family. You know, Paige was like, oh, thank God. So sick of pretending to be happy for her. So then... So hard walking into somebody's room with orange juice and saying, hello, Mrs...

Mrs. Lindsay, are we feeling okay today? Are we going to have a good day today? Or is it going to be a rough day today? Thank God. Ew. So then, um, guess what guys?

Uber Eats all over that patio or the front stoop. Uber Eats is clearly sponsoring the show. And we know that because it gets mentioned every three seconds. Yeah, they're furnished by Uber Eats. It says at the end, I read up on it. Oh, that's right. It does say that. Yeah. So they got a bunch of snacks, which is really fun. And then guess what? My home is also furnished by Uber Eats. I'm sitting on a cardboard container right now. It held a salad. The smells a little bit like body odor. That's how I'm going to smell the next day. Yeah. Yeah.

So this front door, there was like one moment this season where it opened up nicely. And ever since then, the door continues to stick. How is this door still messed up? This door is like, this is such a camera hog, this door. The door's like, "No, you won't just open me. I am gonna have my moment. You cannot take my moment away from me. You are gonna have to barge down this door 'cause I'm getting on this camera." The door is the Lexi of doors. It's like, "I'm not committing to opening until you're committed to me."

I'm not a loose door. I'm a really, really rigid door. Also official RIP to Bailey because last weekend, because this is only the third weekend in the house, I think. And last weekend they did the perfunctory, oh, is Bailey coming this weekend? Like, no, she's having boy trouble. And then this weekend they don't even ask about Bailey anymore. So she's officially gone. Yeah. Bailey's dead. She shined bright. She was like a star. She shined bright. She shone bright.

And then she ran from the old people. That's happened with stars. She's like, ew, press. So Paige walks in and she's like, oh my God, I love air conditioning. It just feels so regal and classy. Oh my God, I need help setting. Okay, guys, we need to set up for Amato's party to let her know that we really love her. So order some Domino's.

and throw some guacamole on the floor. Okay, are we ready? Does anyone know how to play the trombone? I'm hoping someone can stand in the corner when she walks in and go... We just really want someone to represent Amanda's personality, so we hired Rachel Dratch to just stand at the door and make this face. No, no, no.

i would love rachel dratch to join this cast like she's just rachel dratch just hanging out with them but like it's never acknowledged that she's rachel dratch but she's just there you know being like hey girl you want to make some pizza and like sure rachel dratch rachel dratch pizza huh god last time i saw something that flat was when i saw that family of five get run over by a semi on the freeway

- Oh, so Craig's like, "Page, where's your room?" She's like, "We're staying in Lindsay's room this weekend. I demand a penthouse, what am I, poor?" - Paige was like, "Yeah, we're gonna stay in Lindsay's room this weekend because I've always been such a fan of "Cocoon" and I wanted to really feel like what it was like to be Jessica Tandy. I wanna wrap myself around those blankets. - It'll be nice, you know, not having to walk to the bathroom because there's a bedpan in that room. So I say we just do it there.

I've always wanted to go to sleep to the sound of the Victrola next to the bed. The only thing that plays on that TV is Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune over and over again. It's going to be glamorous.

so i mean sierra comes she hugs she says hi to gabby gabby's like i need a glass of wine craig do you want a glass of wine he's like i'm okay i'm gonna have a beer root beer thank you though i'm like

I said addiction last week on my show, so I'm just going to have some real beer today. Thanks, though. Really going to follow through on that storyline. But I'm going to give myself the option to not be sober anymore, which is why I'm saying I'm going to have a beer or a root beer. I'm like, those are two wildly different experiences that you're going to have, just so you know. The viewers can choose their own path.

on that one. It's like being like, no, I'm good. I think I'm gonna have some orange juice or maybe like a shot of vodka. I don't know. I have to figure it out. You're setting yourself up for two different paths.

So Paige is like, ew, people who don't drink wine are gross. Let's drink, Gabby. She's like, fuck yeah. So they drink and then the guys arrive and... Let's pirates say howl-arg. Howl-arg. Howl-arg. Howl-arg. Carl does it so much that I'm starting to think that he might have like a puppy kink. You know, like, you know, the pups, that whole...

There's that whole kink where you put on a thing and you're like a puppy. It's not weird. Everyone's kink is allowed. I'm not fucking a puppy. Fuck your kink shame. I don't care. Send me your letters. What are we going to get? Letters from puppy kinks? They don't have opposable thumbs. Sorry. Who are you going to complain to? Puppy kink people. I'm not fucking a puppy. Stop that. See your role play all the way through.

If you complain to us, that means you're failing your role play because you have pause and you're not supposed to understand English. Yeah, go look a floor somewhere. Go look the floor of Blue Bottle, okay? So everyone's saying hi. And then Amanda and Kyle arrive. And so they walk in and Amanda's like...

Oh my god. Amazing. I'm overwhelmed. Happy birthday! And she's like, honestly, I thought I was 33 for a really long time. Like, I keep forgetting how old I am. All I know is that I'm old enough for Kyle to have completely stolen my youth. Kyle...

Kyle. She has actually a nice little comment here. She talks about how she's really been healing herself mentally and she's diving into the things that her depression and anxiety were holding her back from. So good for her. And then now Craig is drinking alone in the living room because Kyle's basically not saying hi to Craig, which is so funny to me. And Kyle's like, Craig is like, fine, I guess I won't say hi. I'll just say young clips and dead, I guess.

Hang out in club Sunday. Just makes me laugh. So Paige is like, okay, we're going to eat snacks. We're going to have a pizza party. We made a lot of effort, Amanda, a lot. She's like, oh my gosh, this is amazing. We have everything. Carl's like, this weekend, I want to dress up in the room between me and Greg because what he did was super, super shady. And we're going to have a discussion about it.

So then we see flashbacks about this whole mess. And Kyle's like, look, was it wrong of me to let my emotions get the best of me? Yes, it was. But the bottom line, I was lied to and I was hurt. And like, so now like it's about saving whatever friendship there is there. And probably like more importantly, making sure that it doesn't affect the relationship between Paige and Amanda. And then afterwards I can get shit faced and pee in a bush. Yeah. Yeah.

So Carl's like, hey, you guys, you know what we need for our party tomorrow? I think we're going to reload that cooler tomorrow. Get ready for a reload. It's Carl 9.0. Yeah. People say I'm not fun anymore, but what could be more fun than reloading a cooler? Cooler reloaded.

Boom, boom, boom, boom. Falling down flights of stairs. Big announcement, guys. Big announcement. Carl, you have the floor. Guys, I may just start doing it right now. Ha! Carl 5.0, reloading a cooler right now. Who wants to join? Ha! Carl's like, yeah, if you're going to do that, you better stake out a non-alc corner. Non-alc. Corner of non-alc. Already ahead of you, bro. I'm going to stake it out, and then afterwards, we're going to have some sunny day. Ha!

So then I don't know why Carl's energy is giving me very much like that. Like, Hey, just got done with soccer practice. I could go for something purple stuff. Nah, sunny D yeah. Um, so, uh, Gabby is like, okay, girls, what do we need to change into? What do we need to do? Because I, and then she bumps her head into, uh, something. So she bumps her sunglasses on her head. So that was your child. So it's your child.

So now Carl is crushing a box with his foot. Carl's like really manic this weekend. He's like, look how fun I am without Lindsay. Crushing a box. Yeah, crushing a box. Not out corner. Pirates. Lil. Lil. Have I mentioned Lil? Have I shot my load too fast? It's a lot, guys. Like the first five minutes I've said pirates, Lil. I've crushed a box and I've said not out. Are we still on the same page? That's Carl 9.0, baby. You know what rhymes with Lil?

Phil, as in, I'm going to fill that cooler right now. So fun. I'm having so much fun right now. Want me to remix you a little Phil Collins, bro? Come on, that's a little depressing. This is Carl, not porno. Okay.

I would never say no to that, just so you know. And so Kyle's like, wow, okay, look at you, like with your tall privilege, sticking your whole foot in the garbage can without having to like use a step stool. That's pretty cool. So by the way, how was Jersey? You met up with your business partners? He's like, yeah, yeah, we got to trademark. We got trademark on the name. And by trademark, I mean, I just called someone up and said, ha, I'll meet you at Kinko's. I've got a delivery. Move the needle. Ha.

I'm actually impressed that he got a trademark because I would imagine that it's not easy to get a trademark on something called soft drinks. But good for you. But even honestly, like his thing is soft bar. But I would think that soft bar would have already been taken. Unless is it just such an idea that people are like, yeah, this will never take off. I don't bother trademarking it. I'm impressed that he got that trademark. Soft bar. Oh.

It's unbelievable. But listen, I haven't announced the brand on social. It's not a fish. So like it hasn't been publicized and that's coming next week. That's huge. That's huge. It's going to be huge. It's going to be big. It's going to be soft.

We're going to do a soft launch. See what I did there. I'm going to be announcing my new company. It's called Softbar. So Softbar is a mindful consumption bar and cafe. Williamsburg. Die. Just let it die. Just kill it. Burn it down. A fucking mindful consumption bar? How about a suck my dick bar? Okay? What the fuck?

That is mindful. Now that's the real mindful consumption bar. I suck my dick bar. Line up the galoreos. If I ever line up for a place called a mindful consumption bar, just fucking have a group of puppies murder me. You know, sex puppies murder me. Just roll me around on a, on a,

on a bulldog slobber puddle. Okay. Because I am not dealing with this. Look, you can have, you can have a mindful consumption bar. You can have a place in Williamsburg. You cannot have both. Okay. It's gotta be one or the other because I'm barely tolerating mindful. Cause I don't know what mindful consumption is. I'm just annoyed by it. And Williamsburg just is that just put me over the edge. Okay. It's fine. If you want to do a non elk bar, I'm not going to shade you about that. Or as I like to call it a coffee house, but you know what though? The mindful consumption, get out.

Get out. I don't want to hear it. By the way. Hi, Williamsburg lived there for seven years for 75 Ken Avenue. Hey baby. Miss you. Uh,

And it was before it was completely douched out. You know, it was a long time ago that I lived there, but we did have like a lot of metal workers. It would be like a Thai restaurant, a coffee shop, and then like some guy with like a really long beard, you know, and like steampunk, you know, steampunk style. And he'd be like, guys, I do medical metal work. Anybody need metal work for their apartment? Yeah. I'll try and think of something, Jeffrey. Okay.

It's a lot of like suburban people who are like now doing like, you know, 1905 like farmer cosplay. Yeah, there was a lot of like rips of wrath cosplay, you know, there was a lady who like grew tomatoes on our roof and it was just not built for that, you know?

um yeah and there were like the jeffrey the metal worker his name was spelled like j-e-j-o-f-f-r-i-e-y-e it's like oh god okay how am i supposed to look up your metal shop sir

Yeah, exactly. So anyway, he is a mindful consumption bar and cafe in Williamsburg. And we're just going to be serving non-alcoholic drinks that are more premium, more sophisticated, more elevated. And they're just always going to be haters. I don't know, Ben and Ronnie. But last summer, Lindsay had her feedback. And we see her being like...

No. He's like, honestly? Okay, print this. Thank you, Lindsay. Thank you, Lindsay Hubbard. Because at the time, I told her that I wanted to start a bar. And you know what? It was a bad idea. So you're going to swear. I went back to the table. I refined my idea. And now I can't wait. Oh, so, I mean, I guess you are giving her credit for telling you to rework it because you reworked it. You're admitting that you just had a general idea and you wanted to dive in headfirst. And look,

I am giving shit to Carl because his thing just sounds so pretentious. Mocktails are fucking delicious. And there are so many. And like, I think there is definitely a way to do like a place where you go in and just get some amazing mocktails and have some bites. Of course. Listen, there's plenty of people, especially in Williamsburg, who want to spend $25 on a glass of punch and let them do it.

But like, I just, you know, I just can't deal with the mindful consumption branding of it. Like just drives me nuts. I can't. I've always been a fan of mindless consumption. That's how I roll. I'm an old Navy bitch. That's how I am. Just don't tell me how I'm consuming your mocktails. Just say that they're on the menu and I will show up if I want to. Yeah. I'll be mindful if I want, you know, that's my own path.

So then we see Carl's like, so come on, Kyle, let's talk about you and your emotions. You're very serious storyline of competing bubbles. So you're going to try and talk to Craig. And he's like, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I've never ever in my life. So more wrongfully attacked. That's huge.

Yeah, like when you put your blood and tears into something as an entrepreneur, as a founder, there's like no delineation between business and your personal life, right? And like you've seen that firsthand. I take things personally. It's like, oh, it's just your business, but it's not just my business. Business is personal, so I'm upset. And we just can't go back to how it was. I mean, look, we see how it goes.

Is like founder is like being a founder now just a personality trait. Like I feel like I never heard people really refer to themselves as founders as much as like it just started with Danielle last year. And now it's like, well, I'm a founder. That's my job is that I'm a founder. No, it's like a status. Like you did that, but it's not like who you are. Like that's not like I don't go around being like, well, I'm a founder.

It's founded a podcast with Ronnie Karam. I'm an outlier. We're founders. Yeah. And CEOs don't forget.

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So then Jesse's calling Sierra into his West room and they're like playing around. And then Amanda and Paige are like playing around in their room. And Amanda's like, oh my God, I woke up with the biggest pimple on my chin two days ago to the point where my whole fucking chin was swollen. I'm going to name her Bertha.

So she's being as compelling as ever. And then Gabby is, she's upset because there's too many flies in the room. And then now Wes and Jesse are together. And Jesse's like, hey, I love that Sierra walked up to our room. That was like the closest that she's gotten. Right, Wes? He's like, yeah, that was like a little bribery. I was like, yeah, I mean, next thing she might come in here for a slumby. Yeah.

Yeah, you know, I don't know that we're going to be in slumby land. Like, you know, a big win for me would be like, hey, maybe like, bye, you know, like eye contact. Like she won't look me in the eyes still. Just a sad little boy who didn't do anything. I'm going to talk to her. I'm going to ask her, hey, you want to come in for a slumby? You know, because like I'm friends with like both of you and it shouldn't be like this. Like there's more of the merrier at the slumby.

So we get flashbacks of Jesse being so close to Sierra. And he's like, yeah, I'm like hot between two friends. And like, I wish we could like all sit and get along and like just be chill, you know? Like maybe I can love a little Sierra and like help her realize he's not such a bad guy. I'm going to do that by sitting with her on a floaty and talking about how hot her cans are. I mean, God.

um, are there, um, any girls you're excited about? He's like, Oh, sorry. That was Jesse who asked that to West. And West is like, um, no. Like, am I, are you asking about like, am I dating anyone? Um, no. Um, he's like, Oh really? That's bullshit. Because I see a girl whose name pops up on your phone all the time. I don't know what you're trying to tell, but I fucking know. Oh,

yeah he's like yeah well like truth be told like i like attention you know so like my phone's juicy it's a juicy shoddy you know and i'm like well phone step off the curb you know what i'm saying

Producer's like, "So have you been spending time with a specific girl that you're not talking about?" He's like, "No, I mean, um, no, like the one that Jesse's talking about, um, like lives in Montana and like, if I was like seeing someone, um, serious, like he'd probably be the first to know or maybe him or my mom, cause I'm cute, you know? And like, well, maybe not. I think it's Jesse. Sorry, mom."

So Uber Eats comes. Uber Eats is here. And Emeril is like, hi, thanks for coming by. May I stick my penis in you? Okay. No? Okay. Well, if you'd like to come back later as an arrow that floats on the screen, feel free. You know where I am. Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.

So Paige is on her phone looking at a metaphor for her relationship with Craig, basically an empty room. And like, "What are you looking at, Paige?" She's like, "I'm looking for Daphne, my cat," because she's just like so iconic and just way more interesting than Craig ever is. But Daphne does not show up. - So then Jesse comes in and Sierra's like, "Oh my God, join us with your outfit." And he's like, "I was like, what are you guys getting dressed for? 'Cause like Lexi's not even here this weekend."

Oh yeah, cool. Wow, Jesse and Lexi talk at dinner already. Classic. And so Kyle's like, I can't believe that you used that outfit without Lexi here. He's like, are you guys saying this is a good or bad outfit? I can't tell. All right, guys, let's do a toast to Amanda's 33rd birthday. You know what I got her for her birthday? Ironically, toast. So, all right, who's counting? All right, who's counting? How old is she? She's like, I'm old as fuck, but at least I'm not as old as Kyle.

And Wes is like, hey, how old are you? Person at the corner of the table who we've never talked to before. And Emeril's like, 36. How about you? He's like, I'm 29. So I'm like a cute little kid, basically.

Yeah. So then Jesse and Sierra are like, you look good. You smell good. Oh my God. So then Amanda cuts a cake and she's like, have you guys seen the new way they cut cake on TikTok? They just like put a cup down and then drag the cup out and it's full of cake. I hate that so much. I mean, you hate that. Yeah.

Yeah, I've seen it. You're like, and then what, did dogs lick the cup? Yeah, seriously. Put them all down. Probably. So Jesse's like, wow, look, they're talking about TikTok slicing. Like, it looks like that Kyle and Craig are getting along. Did they squash the beef? Did I miss it? Hey, you guys, you guys are getting along well. Like, did I miss the squashing of the beef? Should I sing a song to celebrate? Kyle's like, well...

I sent a couple of texts to try to address it ahead of time. And I don't know. I don't want you to think I'm avoiding it, Craig, even though I wouldn't say hi to you earlier until just now.

"No, I don't feel like you're avoiding me. I just, I texted you back, remember?" And he's like, "Well, Craig, it's all that friendship, you know? It's not like an 'aha, gotcha.' You know, I just want to talk." He goes, "I do too, and that's why I said we should talk tomorrow." He's like, "Uh, but I think it would be, like, easier to talk sooner than later." He's like, "Um, actually, it's, uh, I've been in traffic, and, like, I would like to do it tomorrow because that's how people control things. They control the time."

Yeah, it's like, you know, you both were in traffic and you actually got to the house before Kyle. Craig's such a fucking douche. Craig's just trying to be like, oh, I control. And he even says it later. It's like he's trying to control things and show that he's the bigger, like the bigger man of the group by like demanding when the meeting is going to be. Wow. Yeah. And Kyle's like, I don't want this hanging over my head. Let's like squash this so we can enjoy ourselves. We can party tonight and have a good time.

Yeah, but Craig doesn't care. He likes a nice awkward scene, you know? So he's like, yeah, I'm not going to do it today. And Amanda goes, okay, so you guys are going to talk tomorrow. No, we're going to talk tonight. Why can't we just do tomorrow? Dude! And he's like, I just know Kyle wants to do it tomorrow. Like, what's the big deal? Let's just do it tomorrow.

All right. Well, I didn't realize it was a timing thing. It's like, you know, my goal was to take this head on. Like, I know we have some things in our chest, but like for me, like trying to minimize this awkwardness, like what the fuck was that? And Kyle and Craig are kind of in a open collar battle right now because they're both wearing shirts. There's like no buttons on the car. They just it's just like splayed out polo shirts. And like, I'm going to show more of my chest. I mean, you're going to see more of my clavicle and I'm going to win the argument. Yeah.

yeah and craig's like no i won't talk so he goes and now it's just totally awkward and carl's like oh well i'm here to celebrate amanda's birthday so thank god it's awkward because i don't think we've ever had a birthday for amanda that wasn't completely awkward so yeah nailing it oh does anyone want to help me finish filling up the cooler it's getting awkward in here so now kyle's cutting walking around outside he's like dude craig is like a psycho he's such a cock sucker

So then Amanda's like, I'm just at a point where I'm so sick of Kyle fighting with Craig. Like, I'm always wondering about it. Like, and you know, I don't wonder if it's going to affect my relationship with Paige. I mean, with Hannah and Kyle had a big falling out was so awkward for us. And now she's really famous and I don't get to be like friends with her while she's super famous. So like, if I have to miss out on page two, that's going to be a real bummer for me.

Yeah. And so Kyle's just stalking around the backyard going, So he comes back and he's like, Jesus Christ. And so they're talking about, are they going to party tonight? And Emeril's like, yeah, fuck yeah. I'm down. I'll buy a table if you guys are down. I'm Emeril. I'm a table buyer. Yeah.

So they're gonna go out and everything they're gonna change to talk about they're gonna go out all that fun stuff and West and West and Jesse are getting ready and Gabby's hanging out there on their bed They're playing with Gabby and then over in the other room Amanda and Sierra clearing cleaning out the the kitchen and they put um, they put the birthday cake in the oven Cuz Sierra says that'll keep it fresh. Is that a thing? No, I

That's literally not a thing. I'm not sure where that comes from. Maybe it was like really humid. I noticed when Kyle went outside, when he opened up the door, the door had condensation on it. So maybe if it's really humid, they're worried that like keeping the cake out will not be good, but they don't want to put the cake in the fridge or dry out. Yeah, I think it just doesn't have room in the fridge. So they're going to put it in the, which makes sense, put it in the oven because it's like another cabinet, I guess. But yeah, I don't think it would keep it fresh. I was just.

praying that someone would preheat the oven just to see what would happen, just to see the chaos. - So now people are leaving and Paige and Craig are having their romantic night at home. Paige is like, "My body hurts, my body and my brain. "This situation with Kyle's awkward." And Craig's like, "Well, I don't mean to fly off so fast, "but he just wants to do it "and I don't want it to be quick. "It's not gonna be quick. "And he doesn't deserve this convo, "so he can do it on my time."

Oh, shut up. It's such a stupid fight. It's so stupid. And the fact that you're pulling this like power play when this is sort of the exact kind of like the language that he's using is the exact sort of thing that he complains about from Austin and Shep. And so now just shows hypocrisy. So everyone goes out to the bar. It's fun. And then Paige is like asleep in the bed. And Craig's like, are you sleeping? She's like, are you still sleeping? How about Craig?

So it's 2:26 and people are arriving home and the kitchen is still a damn mess. And Jesse's like, Amanda's birthday over. And Carl's like, guys, this is serious. Can I have a mac and cheese? So they pig out and do their late night thing and giggle and laugh. Gabby's having the best time with them. So then the next day,

West is talking about how he had so much fun with Jesse and you know, this is like the boys week like we're renewing it And so if that little fucking girlfriend comes in here ruins it, you know getting this rear view Yeah, and this is where Jesse drunkenly is like we got to put the beds together or stay like move the beds together Because they're gonna have like a slumber party, which is I thought it was cute Except what drove me nuts was that he's pushed the beds together. He caused the rug to like wrinkle wrinkle like it rippled and

And he never smoothed out the ripple because I could still see it when they smushed the beds together. And I was like, how do you just stand there with a big ripple in your carpet? That's like, it's easy to do when it's not yours. It's like a rental house. So like, who cares when you're drunk? Yeah. Yeah. I just think I drip on it.

Hey, my run. Ripple it. Yeah. So they fall asleep together in this double bed situation. Now in the morning, everyone wakes up because that's what you do in the morning. And Paige is like, oh, my God, I don't feel good. I woke up feeling so sick and nauseous. And I think it's because I remembered that I hadn't broken up with you yet, Craig. And I think I'm overexposed to you. It's like radiation.

So then Kyle's going for a run and she's like, oh my God, you're so chipper this morning. Is it because you didn't get wasted last night? Isn't it nice to wake up sober? And he's like, uh, not my first thing. Not my first time waking up sober, but thanks. But thanks. God, Craig, my arms hurt. That's how I know I'm getting sick. When my arms hurt. Also, when I see your face, that's a good way to know that I'm going to be getting sick soon.

So she's like, yeah, you feel awkward last night? I mean, I feel like it was really awkward. He's like, yeah, but like that guy said crazy shit. Like, we're not as tight as we used to be. And like, if I didn't come out of the Hamptons with you, maybe we would never have made up. Because like, he doesn't like deserve my friendship. Like so gross. How does Craig manage to go from so charming in some seasons to just so gross?

I know instantly. And then he can swing back and forth. It's amazing. So easily. So easily. It's like, you just go from being like, Oh, but Craig is so sweet. He's like a golden retriever to be like, Oh, fuck you, Craig. But I guess that's like the magic of Bravo pages. Like, um, I'm a little annoyed with Craig for like reasons between me and Craig and our own relationship. Um,

But now I have this extra layer of being mad at Craig for avoiding this conversation with Kyle. And that's like really stressing me out. Like my arms hurt so much from the stress and he's making me like more anxious. And I think that like what's making me mad is he's not realizing that he's making me anxious. Also, I'm just starting to realize what if I'm like allergic to kangaroo? That could explain a lot of this arm situation.

He's like, well, I'm going to talk to Kyle, but it's on my terms. Okay. Cause like, I don't even think he knows how like serious this conversation is gonna be. Okay. Pillow man. All right. So then we go back to Kyle comes back from his run and Jesse goes in and pours water all over Wes bed to wake him up. And so they go work out. And now,

Someone's here with a pirate ship. Oh my god. I'm so nervous because Lil's coming. Lil's coming to the party. I don't know if you guys remember, but in the beginning of the episode, Lil, she was front-loaded, and she's pretty tall, and she sent me a selfie, so it's huge. Huge day for me.

I'm like really nervous because a tall person named Lil, which is kind of like a oxymoron, she's like coming to the house and it's like, I'm really nervous that she's coming. And like, I just want someone to hug me, but softly because, but also hardly because she's coming and I want to go all out for Lil who I've never met before. And I've definitely haven't had sex with. So like, I'm just going to shipwrecked. I'm going to have a kid. I'm gonna have the, the, the male kid, the whole party catered. And there's going to be like, there's going to be a C cutery. See what I did there. Oh,

That was good. Yeah, it was like so good. It was just like everything for Lil. Everything for Lil. Originally, it was going to be called Soft Cutery, but it was really hard to find only soft things to put on it. I was going to do like a Lil thing party where everyone comes dressed as Lil, but then I realized no one knows who Lil is. So like maybe next year. Just so nervous.

So the boat guys go build this huge boat in the backyard and Gabby and Emeril talk about like what they're going to do. He's like, do you want to go to the gym? And she's like, um, I would rather eat the ranch off the floor. By the way, I'm Gabby. Nice to meet you. He's like, yeah, no, we've, we've met before. Oh, I thought you were new this weekend. No, I've been here. Just no one talks to me. So then, um, uh, now people are sitting around the bed. Um, and Amanda is like, Amanda's going through bikinis and stuff.

And it turns out that this is like her new gig is that she, you know, we knew last year that she wanted to step out and design a bathing suit line for women with larger bosoms. And so now, um, now it seems to be coming true because she was reached, uh, something called South moon under, uh, reached out to, uh, get her input on swimwear, uh,

Yeah. So her job is Frankensteining together different bathing suit pieces. It's just going to go perfectly with her line. So then Gabby's like, well, I like the bottoms more than the tops. I'm like, both of me and you, me and you both, girl. And Amanda's like, yeah, so like I can change like anything about swimsuits, but like they just give me samples. And then I'm like, put this one with that one. It's like really hard. Yeah.

So Gabby is saying she's like, you know, as much as I have like opinions and feelings about Carl, I'm like really glad because now they're watching Carl, by the way, in the backyard as he's like really smiling and so happy about this pirate ship. And Gabby's saying that she's just like happy, like even though she's team Lindsay, she's happy that Carl seems to have like, I don't know, like a spark of life behind his eyes for the first time in like two years. So he's like, you know, she's like, it's like watching a baby take a first few steps.

Well, when you're just allowed to just go in there and stupidly spend money on a huge budget that makes no sense and there's nobody there to tell you that's a stupid idea, you're going to be happy. Well, stop talking about his business. Let's talk about the pirate ship. That's what I mean. Oh.

Like, who hires a pirate, like, an actual pirate ship for a pirate party? You know what I mean? Like, put the shark fins on the ground and call it a day. He's like, I'm going to spend $100,000 on this party. We're going to have a pirate ship. We're going to have fireworks and a securitory. And a girl named Lil. I'm going to ask her to do the wave, and she's going to look like one of those things in front of the car wash. It's just got air thrown up like that.

So over at the over at the gym, people are working out and Jesse's like, hey, Emeril, it's kind of like shocking to see that you didn't get laid for the first time last night. And it was like, I know I'm a disappointment to myself. I'm going to go crawl into a cave. You won't see me for a while. I'm a total failure.

Yeah, they're gonna send me back to the minors and Kyle's like, hey, Emeril, you know, could you help wingman Carl? Yeah, teach Lil what a swing is. And they're like, yeah, bro, we're bringing like 20. And Emeril says, yeah, bro, I'm bringing 20 girls to this party. So...

Like, wow. So, you know, by the way, like, let's go. Let's do it for Carl. Let's do it for Carl. Because these days I'm clear headed. Like one track only on Lexi. And Kyle's like, oh, did Lexi say anything? Like, hey, be good. And Jesse's like, um, yeah, I think specifically what she said was, don't you dare fucking look at another woman. Otherwise I am going to fly right down there and stab you in the eyeball with a chopstick, which is so cute. She's so cute when she talks like that.

So, yeah, now they're talking about Jesse and her and, like, if they're official or not. And he's like, well, we haven't had, like, the official conversation. Like, we're moving slow. Like, we haven't had sex yet, you know, because, like, she just wants to have sex with people that she's exclusive with. And I actually like that we got this info because that was kind of my question. Like, you don't have to boo up immediately. You just don't have sex with her. Why is that such a problem? So I guess that's what they're doing. So there you go. Yeah.

yeah exactly little masturbation never hurt nobody come on well kyle's like i feel like there's gonna be a lot of girls this party and this could be like your last chance to survey the scene before an exclusivity causes in the mix you know like really like open the kimono you know what i'm saying so jesse that worked really well for you great advice to be passing on but kyle jesse's like oh yeah wow don't even put that shit in my head oh

So meanwhile, Paige walks outside and she's like, oh my God, this looks so good. Of course, I'm talking about my ensemble. Everything else looks like shit around here.

Craig's going to love this pirate ship because he's immature too. And Craig's like, oh my God, it's a pirate ship. That's fucking cool. So the guys come back and Carl's like, okay guys, welcome back boys. Welcome back. We are the boys. So we're going to need all hands on deck to set up this party. And so the guys just walk away and jump in the pool. Yeah.

I made a pun guys. All hands on deck. Get it? Well, we're going to be like making an ocean with this like blue tarp and like in the middle, we're going to be building like a little island, but like people are going to come to me. By the way, what does this vision that he has? What it really turns into is that there's a giant blue tarp with a pile of dirt in the middle of it. Great. What a fun time at a party hanging out on a tarp with some dirt.

You know, when they start piling that dirt, I was like, I need to be an Airbnb person that rents my house for this show because I would just be sitting here with a notebook like, and bing, and bing. You'd just be Paige. Paige B&B.

Oh, dirt in the backyard on a tarp. Okay. Ding, ding. So West dives in the pool, like no one's helping them, right? And Carl's like, well, I'm not going to ask Greg for help. Whoa, probably steal your idea. He'll probably come out with a pirate company. Yeah. So then, so Sierra's floating in the pool and Jesse is like trying to get on her raft and

And she's like, oh, I knew you wouldn't be helping. Don't flip me over. And he's like, wow, this is kind of like turning me on a little bit. She's like, what? You're nuts. She's like, yeah, sorry. Sorry, you're a 10. She's like, yeah, we definitely flirt. But like, I mean, I'm not into him, but like 90%, he'd probably take the chance if he got it. So.

Of course he would. Well, first of all, she is dropped at Gorge. And second of all, it's Jesse. And part of me thinks that he is, well, first of all, if he's like so gaga over Lexi, but the moment she's not there, he's being super flirty and handsy with Sierra, which honestly you can paint Lexi to be jealous. But like if someone is selling you this love story and being like meeting your family and then, then the moment you turn around, they're being handsy with someone else.

i think she has a right to be a little annoyed by that if she did and i almost i mean like i'm on purpose to get a rise out of her yeah some of it like the commenting on girls instagrams and stuff like that i think okay you're being a little over dramatic about caring about that but then he seems to be just kind of trying to go even harder to piss her off yeah even though she's not there to see it but i think he's playing games with her a little bit like because he knows that this is going to get back to her he does know this and he knows it's being filmed

So I don't know. I don't trust this was this, this moment here when he was sort of on top of Sierra. I was like, this is not setting up future fights. So he'll have it out. Absolutely. I can blame her and be like, she's just so jealous, bro. That's just crazy. I can't deal with this. It's too much for me right now.

Yeah. So then they're, you know, they're Sierra now has a bell and she's like ringing it for Carl and they're like, yeah, can we get a jingle for Carl? He's doing a great job. She's like, yeah, jingle, jingle. And then Jesse's like, yeah. And can we get a jingle for Carl's wiener getting some action? And she's like his wiener. And she just drops the bell. He's like, Oh my God. It's

Is that a good sign? Oh my God. My wiener just fell a little short now. It's a ship that gives things back now. Oh, it's a hard bar. It's a hard bar. Programming coming undone. So now they're getting all dressed up and into pirate gear and Jesse FaceTime's Lexi and he's like, hey, what's up mama? You like our fitsies? Yeah, my hat makes me feel like I'm like a dude. Oh my God. I think you look so good. Yeah.

So he's like, yeah, you know, as much as I'm enjoying boys weekend, I'm still thinking about Lexi, you know, I miss her. You know, I want to talk to her. I don't want anything to jeopardize this. Like, I'm not going to try and get numbers, you know, to party. I'm not doing anything suspicious. Could you get your hand off my boob? Sorry. Sorry. Sierra. Meanwhile, I like that. I like that. Sierra is always like for these parties. She's like, you know, I'm a model.

I don't need a whole bunch of pervy guys from Long Island trying to come on to me. So this time I'm going to dress like a giant bird. She is. I like that too. I liked it every single time. She's like, I'm going to make myself as unfuckable as possible for this party because half these people are from like Staten Island. So she was like, no, cause you did that last year. I think during the alien thing, right? During the alien, she dresses like a big old alien. So, um, now, uh, the,

a bunch of people go into the kitchen and Wes is like, are you Fred Flintstone's wife? And Gabby's like, um, I'm Halle Berry from, um,

die another day which doesn't really make sense but the pirate theme is just i wanted to dress like her she's like yeah she's shipwrecked and so then she got stolen by pirates so whatever i have this wig and it looks really cute on me so fuck off she's like i'm not gonna dress like a pirate okay so here's your tenuous link to the theme i will give it to you and you have to accept it

so amanda and paige start talking about craig and kyle's stupid beef and uh paige is like oh my god no like they're so emotional i'm just annoyed with craig you know like we went to dinner and he fed me kangaroo not even kidding you and then he said i'm gonna be busy this fall but he wants to make sure our relationship is a priority disgusting what a pig

I mean, it's like, what? She's like, yeah. I was like, what the fuck does that even mean? Like, I'm going to go, I'm like going on like a 35 city tour, not to Charleston. Thank you very much. And I'm so nervous for it, like anxious. And now I have to feel like you're going to like feel like your second best when you're the one bringing me to a kangaroo place. And Amanda's like, is he not supportive? Well, that's what I said. I was like, I want you to feel like you're a priority, even though...

I mean, it's Greg, right? But like work will always come first for a lot of things. And like everything I'm doing this year is like what I've wanted since I was like five years old. Yeah. She's like, this is what I want. And then she goes, oh yeah. And he said that he never thought he would be in the submissive of a relationship. And Amanda's like, yeah, that's not good.

She's like, yeah. So I have this feeling that when I'm on tour, I'm going to fucking hate Craig. Yup. And by the fact that you don't already hate Craig is what has me a little bit worried. Fuck this guy. She does hate Craig already. She's just starting to, she's like, it'll be too much like a,

That'd be too hard for America for me to see me just decide that I hate Craig. So let me just prepare them. Then I'll, I'll unleash my hatred for Craig in a few months when I'm hitting him currently right now. Meanwhile, Carl is in this, in the kitchen and he is trying to blow into a conch shell. So he's like, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on one second. I got to make this good before a little gets here. This is like really hard right now. I just have to blow softer.

This is what I get for ordering a soft conch. I'm really nervous. So now the party starts and, you know, the costumes are great. Everybody's like partying. And Lil comes and she's like, oh my God, you're looking so good. What are you, a guyliner? Yeah, it works for you. Your eyes are like fucking pop. You're like, you're like a lemur. You've got like lemur energy. God, I'm a fucking lemur. I'm a lemur fucker. So...

Our question, do lemurs engage with mindful consumption? Cause that's pretty cool. She's like, you're like from, you're like a lemur from the movie Madagascar. He's like, uh, yeah, yeah, totally. You've seen that. Oh yeah. Is that a movie about me and Lindsay where you get mad and get scarred? And then Carl is mad again, scarred. So yeah, it's been happening to me for years. It's a cycle.

I mean, am I rusty? Yeah. It's also my pirate name, by the way. Rusty. Rusty Carl. Am I awkward? Yeah. But it's just me figuring out shit or just like adopting a persona for TV. I don't know. I'm just nervous. So Jesse comes to meet her and she's like, I'm well, I'm a yoga and a fitness instructor and I really want Carl to come to hot yoga with me. I mean, can we set some goals in life? All right. God, have you ever fucked a lemur? Just me.

I want to do yoga, but I feel like I want to go on a date with you first and then I'll do hot yoga. I have a question. Can you do hot yoga when your stomach is full from pancakes on a Wednesday? Just curious. And Dusty's like, guys, guys, who's got time today? Just like do it tonight. Hey, are you going to stay here tonight, Lil? Invite her over, Carl. She goes, oh my God, is this your wingman? You should be a pigeon.

I thought it was a lemur. Yeah. Well, you're a lemur and a pigeon together. You're a hybrid. You're a terrible hybrid in a, that, that was created in a, in a mad scientist laboratory. This is getting a little scary. I'm a little nervous about this.

So then the girls are talking and they're talking about Lil. And she's like, yeah, well, Carl went to the soccer game by himself and he sat next to this girl's parents and then they connected them. So. Can they know each other because of her parents? She's like, correct. Sarah's like, it's just so weird seeing him talk to another girl. You see Carl be like, oh, you want to go to the show? Oh,

And now he's carrying a mermaid through. He's like, the mermaid's here. The mermaid's here. No budget was, no cost was, no cost was spared. Sorry, I can't really speak English today. I'm so excited about the mermaid. Sorry, I can't speak English anymore because I've taken on a new language known as corporate jargon. I'll have that affidavit put into the Synergy, please. Thank you very much. And Lil's like, should I be worried? Because lemurs fuck mermaids. It's just how the world works, so...

A little worried here. - You're either a mermaid or a pigeon. - I love that this was a parent setup. I think that's so funny that Carl just happened to go to a game and talk to the parents and like, "We have a daughter, you wanna date her? "Her name's Lil, no one will date her. "She's really into hot yoga." I said, "Honey, no one wants to go on a date after hot yoga. "You smell, am I right?" I mean, it takes a good hour and a half for her to stop sweating, but you'll like her, you're sober. You wanna do it? Do Lil.

Well, at first I thought that she was a young boy rapper named Lil Ian. It turns out her name is Lillian. So a little confused there at first, but it all makes sense now. So Carl, Emeril is talking to women. That's exciting. And then Paige and Craig are sitting on, there's like this raft in the fake ocean. They sit down on it and Paige is like, if there's anything like a bed, I'm going to find it. God, my arms hurt so much.

He's like, yeah, you know what? I feel like we're going to end up lost at sea one day. Wouldn't that be amazing? You know why? Because you can't do podcasts. It's funny because I already befriended a volleyball just in anticipation. I froze the volleyball too, just in case. So Paige is like, um, no, I don't want to be lost at sea because like I don't do good on boats that are under 52 feet. Yachts only for me. How are you feeling chicken? Rhetorical question. You're supposed to ask me how I'm feeling because I'm the one with the hurting arms.

So do you feel like a priority? And he's like, yeah, you make me feel like a priority this weekend. She goes, good. I try. He's like, well, I didn't say you don't make me feel like a priority. I just said, I hope I stay a priority. Like, you know, like when you go on tour, like, I don't want to like, feel like it, like I'm forgotten, you know?

I'm person with hurting arms would like to speak now. Um, you said you were, you're worried that I wasn't going to make you a priority. Uh, and he's like, yeah, yeah, but I just, I don't want you to like resent me because I'm working and like have like real success. Like my career is like way different than when we met. And I just, I don't feel bad about that. Craig.

Yeah, but like it makes me feel like I can't bring stuff up to you because like it's going to be an attack or like I'm not rooting for you. Look, I'm rooting for you as single page to have a career. It's just like I'm rooting for you as married page with babies to never have a career. Do you understand?

Yeah. But like when you bring up stuff, it's always like, Hey, can we have an, a hive of killer bees in the backyard? And I'm like, no, I don't want that. Like, like negative 1000%, you know? It's like, yeah, but like, it makes me want to not bring stuff up. Like, I think you're going to like attack me or like, I don't know, like, like that I'm not rooting for her. And like, it's really not that it's just, I'm just asking for like some clarity on nothing in particular. I just making sure that like after three years, we're still good. And like,

that's gonna like happen with us because like you know do we have status check-ins or like a year-end review or something like how do we do this it's like yeah i'll give you a yearly review and then i'll let you know if you're fired or not by the way it's coming up in um september okay

- Fucking Craig. I mean, I have to say they're really good at making you root for her to break up with Craig. 'Cause I'm just ready to see her fucking Craig already. What a dude. - Oh, I love the looks that she gives. I just love how Craig was so blindsided. - And what a time to freeze. - What a time to freeze. Oh, we're back. - Oh yeah. - I mean, I love how Craig was so blindsided when it's just like all there on screen. Like just every look that she gives like, "Uh-huh, mm-hmm." Failure.

Well, that was everyone. Thanks for listening. Um, our Southern charm recap will be up on Saturday at some point, like after the show, probably maybe even Sunday morning, who knows? Um, so if you're wondering where it is tomorrow, that's where it is. Thanks for your patience on that. Um, and of course, if you're in North Carolina, in the Charlotte region, then come see us because it's fun. And we're gonna have a great time on Saturday night there in Charlotte. And then Atlanta, we have, uh,

at Classic Orange County. We'll have a great time there as well. All weekend will be fantastic. Catch you on the road or just catch you here on the next episode. Bye, everyone. Bye. Watch what crappens would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Alison King. Our way is the Amber way.

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