#2772 Southern Charm S10E15: Soirée For Your Loss - Live in Charlotte
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So good to see you, Charlotte, you gorgeous people. Yes.

Good to see you guys. We're here at the same time as a cheerleading conference. Yes. Fitting. It was a glam off at the Starbucks. Guess who won? I was like, get out of here, you nine-year-old little bee. This is my town. So, where are the three ladies who I ran into at the hotel? There you are. Hi. Hi.

I was informed today by these three lovely ladies, which I did not realize, and you just echoed right here, that tonight we are competing head-to-head, March Madness style, against Countess Luanne de Lesseps here in Charlotte. So thank you. We love Countess Luanne, but thank you for, we know you have a lot of choices, and you chose to be with us tonight. We won. We won.

We won that one. I have to apologize to whoever's getting my ass cracked. There's people on the sides today. I'm a very short-waisted person, and I should know better than to wear a goddamn button-down to a shirt. Did you see me come out? I was waving like this. I was like, the butt crack is fully out. So we're here at the same time as this cheerleading competition. I was at the Starbucks, and I'm learning that coming to nice cities is turning me into a nicer person.

Because we were in Canada last week. I mean, that's pretty nice. We've been to Minnesota. You guys are lovely. And I was in the line, and I did the pre-order thing. It's like five to seven minutes, so I want it seven minutes and 30, because I just want to go in there. I want to get my fucking drink. You know what I mean? Love the precision. So I go in, and this nine-year-old cheerleader is there with her dad. And the dad's like, hey, what do you do? Where are you from? Talking to the lady making the Starbucks. And she's so nice.

She wasn't making my drink. She was holding my cup. Uh-huh. Because she's talking to this fucking dad. Okay? So I'm stewing, you know? And the girl, you've seen the cheerleading girls, right? My niece was a cheerleader, Kayden, so I know the drill. But it's like toddlers in tiaras. Yeah.

on crack times 10. I mean, it's terror, like makeup, the makeup, the eyelashes, the hair, you know, the glam, the diamond backpack. And, uh, it's literally real housewives of any city. It is a tiny little terrorist in training, you know? And so the guy was like, yeah, you know, we're here for a cheerleading conference. Yeah. No shit, dude. I just wanted to say really, because I thought RuPaul was like starting a child version in your city.

But instead I said, that's so great, you look beautiful. So I think it's rubbing off on me. I'm just laughing at the idea of Countess Luan being here at the same time as a cheerleading competition.

And her being simultaneously triggered by all the youth on display, but also horny by all the dads. Like, hey, give me a V, V. Give me an A, A. Give me a G. What's that spell? It's down there, boys. It's a long word. Just fuck me. Just fuck me right here. She just comes out drunk on stage while they're doing their formations. Like, all right, you little girls, let me show you how it's done.

F is for the where you'll fuck me tonight. Whoa. I was just asking Ben in the airport.

Is human trafficking like ever like what is it in airports that like human every airport? We've been to is like it watch out human trafficking It's like don't get trafficked don't drop your bag or you'll be traffic and I was like what is going on is human trafficking like that huge in airports now like in Charlotte like is that a thing but then I saw all these little girls and Luann's in the same town, you know

You know Luann is picking off those little girls and just taking those stem cells. It's like the substance. She's like, I've come for the substance. It's the origin story of that movie. Watch out for human trafficking, darling. It's just Luann's picture. Cabaret traffic, more like it. Yeah, by the way, another thing that's funny, just being here, I remembered something very, very important, which is that the last time that we were here, this was the first live show that we did since Scandavol.

You guys, who was here that day? Was that like the most, when we did, this was the first place we came to after Scandival broke. And so it was like, we all had this pent up, it was like a big town hall meeting. We were like, hey, we're passing a wall. When I just called these people nice, now I remember. You were not nice people. Yeah.

That was murderous. I've never seen so much murder in people's eyes. They're like, get him! Kill him! Kill him! It was great. I'll always remember that night. But anyway. That was so good. The rest of that tour, we just did Scandival everywhere. By the end, all we had left was a Secrets Revealed episode. And we were like, let's do it.

We're like, and then Kristen went to the bathroom. You know, we were recapping some really intense scenes from those because we were... Yeah, well, I mean, Kristen going to the bathroom is pretty intense. Oh, seriously? A lot of work to get on that toilet. If you tinkle when you sprinkle, don't fucking jiggle when you sprinkle! Anyway, welcome to Watch Our Crap. It's a podcast about all that crap on Bravo we love to talk about.

So tonight we are recapping the season finale of Southern Charm. And yes, I have a question. So I watched this off of Peacock. Did anyone else watch off of Peacock? Because, okay, I wish Peacock were here to see that. I was like, yes, Peacock. Peacock! Yes, Peacock!

Did anyone else have this thing? So I watched it on the airplane and maybe I downloaded the wrong version. I had the audio description version. Did anyone get that? No. I didn't get that either. I did not. Okay, so I did not know about this. So audio description, it's a very good service. It's for if you're visually impaired.

That it will tell you what's happening on screen. But I had no idea that that's what I was listening to. And I was on the plane. And so it was opening up and it was just like, you know, they're talking and JT's like, but Vanita, I really like you. And then all of a sudden I heard out of nowhere a voice go, Vanita looks down. And I was like... But how accurate was it? Because it should have been going like, and Shep, a disheveled, you know, douchebag...

He probably smells like two days ago, enters. Everything was like that. There was a lot of commentary about Vanita nodding. Like every two seconds, that voice would come on and say, Vanita nods. And the best was when it got really intense, when there was like a fight at the party later on and went to commercial. There was like an exterior shop before it went to commercial of like the place where they were having the party. And the guy comes on and goes, exterior iron gates.

I like that it's an excitable queen doing it. He was just like, he like put on his angry voice to be like, I'm going to sell this scene for someone right now. Iron gates. Could you be the person doing notes for that? I'm sorry. We didn't get enough from iron gates. Can we bring somebody else in for that read?

Anyway, it's a very disorienting watch if you're not expecting the audio description, but I also highly recommend it because it's an experience. Interior. White people. Lots and lots of white people. All right. Sienna looks down at the Megalodon necklace and sighs. Previously on this season of Southern Charm. Woo!

JT had an accident on his Hummer Hot Wheels. And almost got his balls crushed. Thankfully, he didn't have any in the first place. Then he got off on the wrong foot. The wrong teeny tiny baby foot. With nearly everybody.

You know what? Patricia didn't take... didn't... Sorry, I got my balls almost crushed. Patricia didn't take the cane I offered her. Brett called me up and asked me if I banged his wife, which really ticked off Craig in a douchey strip mall golf joint. I am furious! There was once a very handsome man in a golf place that raised an objection, Your Honor.

Craig, why are you talking like that? I'm a lawyer. A lawyer and a storyteller. Don't worry. He wasn't the only person Craig was mad at. Craig! You don't come out and hit on barely legal teens with me anymore. Hurts my feelings, bro.

Austin, I'm not gonna be an alcoholic anymore. I only drink alone at home. You can swim or leave. Meanwhile, two homogenous white girls hired for the men on this show to emotionally abuse before they get fired without cause like every other woman to ever be on this show. Except for me, of course.

Sally and Taylor agreed to disagree about new homely douche they're kinda fighting over. Gaston. No one fights like Gaston. No one smocks like Gaston. No one fires up the feminine wats like Gaston. I get off my ass, I just kinda blew the guy in The Great Royal American, okay?

It's not like I tried to marry him or nothing. Over at Vanita's, she and JT hit a snag over a Branzino dinner. Thanks for the whole fish. But, uh, I got a girlfriend. Wait, did you just propose to me? And over in washed-up Modelville, Molly was getting her groove back by blowing a tubby guy. Excuse me? What? Sorry. Blowing a tuba. Blah, blah.

Hi, I'm Molly. I like playing tuba, pretending I'm obese, and pretending I have an interest in Shep. Beats waiting tables. Unfortunately, while she was pretending to be in love with Shep, Shep was pretending to be in love with a beauty pageant girl from the Bahamas to improve his Q rating. Gosh, we're in love, right? Did someone fart? But I got you a Megalodon tooth.

Just stab me with it or fucking let me out of here. Your choice. Meanwhile, Craig and Austin made up. You can't be mad at me. I said the word addict on national television. Craig. Want some? Craig, you are so brave. It's insane right now. And right when it seemed that Ryan would be named the least talkative gay person to ever appear on television...

He dropped a barber bomb. Vanita, I go to the same hair plug installer as JT, and he said that JT referred to you as some black girl trying to ruin his relationship. Wait till I tell Charles about this. Tell me after I've had my dinner, woman. I'm sick of the drama. Papadoo. Papadoo.

Vanita, this is absolutely not true. I didn't say you were some black girl. I said you were an insanely cute homewrecker who happens to be black.

Could you come to the event space and talk to me about it? Sure, let me just throw on my ball gown. Charles, look after the house for me. For Christ's sake, should I cook you dinner too? Woman, I'm busy. I've got a life. So we open up. We're in the middle of this random scandal that just drops at the end of the season.

And, you know, Leva and JT have just spoken to this barber, and they have gotten on good authority from the barber that the barber never said this, because why would the barber ever lie on national TV? Barbers don't lie. They're not called Liar Sams. It's Fantastic Sams. It's not like Fantastic Liar Sams.

Trust your barber So Vanita's saying you know like you know JT telling his barber You know quote some girl some girl likes me some girl this some girl that it's just like I'm just like some girl to you and that girl has a name But this is not JT. I don't buy it. I kind of buy it. I buy it a lot. I kind of buy it so She's like so how are you doing your new plugs look really good? You know

Not trying to gas you, but you look fucking hot right now. You look really, really good. I'm so mad at you, I'd still fuck you right now. You want to? Should we do this on Bunny's couch or... Not Bunny's couch. Listen...

You know what? Here's the thing. It wasn't the barber's fault. I spoke to him. It's not his fault, everyone. It's Ryan's fault, you know? He likes this game of telephone. It's causing real emotional pain. Not just with you, and now with me, and Leva, and Poppy, and a chair somewhere.

Yeah, I mean, like, I was just racking my brain around it, you know? Like, why would he say some girl? Like, it just doesn't sound like you. It just, it made me feel like I didn't matter to you. No, that's only because you don't matter to me. That's all.

Can I make you dinner? Can I make you dinner? Listen, I would never say just some girl. I mean, I know what I said. I was like, there's this beautiful girl and I told him what kind of what we're going through as friends. As friends. Just relax there. Hold your horses there a little bit. Okay.

And he was like, cool, got it. Totally understand. Okay, well, now that I've got a little bit more of a level head and you've agreed to marry me, I just really...

I just really don't see you saying it, you know? You know, I mean, this makes so much more sense the way you're explaining it, you know? It's just not you, right? It's not how you talk. No, I never said you were all over me. I just was like, there's this girl who wants to marry me, yada, yada, yada. Pretty simple stuff. Yeah, it seems a little too close what he described as what's happening on the show. Like, there's some girl on the show, she's flirting with me, and my girlfriend's going to be pissed off. I mean, it sounds like you said it. Otherwise, where did the barber get it? Yeah. You know?

So Vanita's like, well, I'm still JT. Team JT. And he's like, oh, and this gay, some gay, dropped a nuke about me. And I'm like, he said it. He said it. We are going to confront him tonight. And by we, I mean you, because I'm not going to go. And she's like, well, it's a season finale, so I've got to be mad at somebody. I'm turning on the gay. I'm turning on the gay. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappin's commercial.

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So now we see a very thrilling scene. We're with Madison and Brett at home. And Madison has an important question, which is, are you excited for the party tomorrow with all the betas? Yeah, I think it's going to be fun. Cool. I'm going to wear a red dress. Wow. So that was fun.

I like this show because, you know, so many of the voices are whatever. They're also stupid. But it's so helpful when we can do the exact same thing for two characters. Because this is her husband. Hey. And this is Taylor. Hey. Hi.

Are they the same people? But I do like Madison with her Google. She's like, "Hey, Google!" And it just turns on bright pink lights. He's like, "Why do we have to do that?" 'Cause I can paint a shed up and bathe in the pink. So now we go to a place called Islander 71 Fish House and Deck Bar. Mixed response on that establishment. They're like, "We went to Charles and we went there. It was terrible."

I'm just excited any scene we get to watch Shep eat. Yeah. I love horror movies. So Shep is there. Whitney joins. Whitney, I'm just going to have a...

A snacky poo, mother. A little snacky poo. Whitney's still fucking wasted. If anybody has a... He has been wasted this whole year. If anybody has an alcoholism storyline, it's Whitney. They'd kick him out of those meetings. He'd just be like, hey. My name is Whitney and I can't say it. I can't say it. I won't say it. And I'm a wealthy heir. Wealthy.

So Shep was like, gosh, it's been an interesting couple weeks for me. He's like, you've loved and you've lost. Oh, gosh.

Emphasis on lost. It's just unrequited love, you know. It's been so hard. But I'm certainly not going to be crying in my Cheerios every morning like Othello. We're not allowed to have Cheerios in our household. Because every time we buy them, Mother just throws them at Randy. One at a time.

Mother's just opposed to the name. She doesn't believe in that as a personality trait. Every time I said, Mother, can we have some Cheerios? She said, no pussies allowed in this house and smacked me. Oh, Shepard. I've never seen you be that emotional. It was hilarious. I mean, it was out of character. You gave a girl a tooth. Oh, Shepard.

I like that Whitney's kind of implying that this is all bullshit. He's like, yeah, I've known you for a long time. I've never seen you actually care, Shep. And he's like, I know! Did you buy? I'm a changed man ever since I had Ayagarshka. Well, listen, you can't just sit around. You need to prove your virility. So there's a school bus stopping right up. It just left. All right.

Just call Molly. Call Molly. Gosh, should I bring a date to the summer house? Yeah, should I bring a date to the Southern Charm formal? Yeah, well, it seemed like Molly was a little sweet on you. A little sweet on you. Shep and Whitney talk like they're in some 50s movie. That girl, that damn sweet on you. They're like in Guys and Dolls all of a sudden.

Shall we have a nibble? It's like the idea of Molly dawned on him and there's fireworks of carbs coming out of his mouth. It's just like... These two have so many crab cakes coming out of their mouths. It is just the entire table just covered with like breading and crab bits and corn kernels.

I just wouldn't want to treat a woman badly, you know? And I'm not really looking for anything serious after that whole other not serious thing I've been doing for the past year, so... You know, I just wouldn't want to lead her on. That would just be so unlike me. -Karsh, what if she doesn't have a pretty little freckled lip? It's kind of my kink. -Hopefully she's just down to bo--

Garsh. So they decide that they're talking about Molly some more and, you know, Shep is like, well, Molly did say that she hasn't had sex in two and a half years, which makes her just desperate enough to find the both of us attractive. I haven't been able to get a proper boner for two, but I've still managed. What's a boner? I thought that was called re-knob. Garsh. Garsh.

So, I know, they should have seen it coming. So, they call Molly, and she's like, Hey, Molly. That's what I said. So, what are you guys up to? Just eating crab cakes. I know, there's a piece of red pepper on my FaceTime right now. And chicken fingers. Are you coloring the coloring book? Yeah.

Well, we're talking about the random party we're going to have, and I don't know if you're not going with anyone. I heard you're sweet on me, so I'd love for you to accompany me. Hold on. Let me see if my tuba still want to, but you still want to... Nope. Nope. All right. I'm free. I'm free. Oh, gosh. And Whitney's like... She needs to be picked up in a limo.

Yeah, I hope it's a stretch limo. I'm huge. I can't fit into a regular car, so... What if I pick you up at an M151 mutt, just like the jeeps they had in the Vietnam War?

Shep's going to be your escort. Yeah, wow, what a mediocre night you're about to have. By the way, I did look up the model of the jeeps that they had in the Vietnam War. Did you? Yeah. Was that the actual model? It was the M151. Thank you for the scattered applause on my researching. Thank you.

We put a lot of effort on these shows. That's what you get when we perform in the natural theater. Research. So now we go, oh, I love this scene. Craig and Paige in the car. This is the final days of Chicken and Chicken.

What would be the sound of all of this? It would be like the deserved it all. What would you call it? The aval scandal. Chicken aval. Chicken aval. Chicken aval. Chicken aval. Chicken aval. Chicken aval. Chicken aval. Chicken aval.

Loser, loser, chicken boozer, I don't know. We're going to workshop it. Yeah, yeah. So Craig's like, wow, chicken, I wish you could stay one extra day. You know, like, we just need a bonus day, you know?

And then she gives him a look like, you fucking moron, I came an extra day for you. Oh yeah, that's right, you did come a day early, so I guess our bonus day was on the front end of your trip. Wow, what a win. Are we sure it was just a bonus day? It kind of felt like a bonus year that I was here. Well, what if we run out of gas on the bridge? Wouldn't that be terrible? Well, that's about when our relationship ran out of gas, so it would be fitting.

I will literally throw myself off the bridge and swim to the airport if that's what it requires. If Paige wasn't so lazy, she would have jumped off that bridge. She would have. Her face this whole car ride is like... So she's like, yeah, okay. You know, remember that time when we were in the car on the way to the airport and I went, no, no, I don't want to go to the airport. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, but I was like late into the drive and so you were like, I'm really sorry and I was like, what? Yeah, that was like one of those days I just couldn't bear to get on a plane. I mean, they're disgusting, they're horrible, they're uncomfortable. And then I looked at you and the plane won. That was a fun day. By the way, what happened to TCBY in the airport here in Charlotte? Nobody knew what the fuck it meant.

At some point kids are like that doesn't even make sense. They only know the text verse I could have sworn there was a tcpy there wasn't there? Thank God. It's not what is it the country's this country's best yogurt country's best yogurt this country's best yogurt That place had too big of a head No one likes arrogant yogurt

The way everyone responded to that just now, like, oh yeah, we don't talk about TCBY anymore. Yeah, there's like some scandal happening in this audience. They're like, don't you dare talk about TCBY. There's like a blood pact in Charlotte. They're like, what goes on on TCBY stays there. It's a Starbucks now.

Anyway. You're not from here. You can't comment on our goddamn TCBY. We've already had enough of Parker Posey's accent. We don't need you talking about TCBY. Oh, no. Tsunami. Okay.

Paige was like, yeah, I was having one of those days where I just really couldn't get on the plane, but I was also having one of those days where I was saying everything seven days too late. So sort of like a New York response. So she's like, yeah, you know, it's just terrible getting on a plane. You know, there's so much riffraff here in the South.

You get on a plane, everybody's like, hi, how are you? What's your name? What are you doing? What are you here for? Where'd you get all that plaque? Did you go to a funeral? Why do you have bangs? How's your cheer competition going? Just like in the North, we say, zip it! Shut up! Craig's like, it's called humanity.

Gross. Gross, Craig. All right? Just get me back to New York where I can order something to my door and not have to see somebody. You don't even have DoorDash in the South. Gross page. She can't get DoorDash anywhere. Why does she always say that? She's at Craig's house. I can't wait to get home where food is delivered. Unfortunately, on DoorDash, I can't say that my delivery address is at a little desk next to a cricket machine in the garage.

I would call DoorDash, but I'm embarrassed to be having my food delivered to a gift wrapping room. Yeah, I hate it here. So when am I going to see you again? Hold on, let me go through my iCal. What are you doing on the 3rd of Never? Never. Never.

Never never never never never never. Oh, there's only 28 days in this month's 28 nevers never never Oh, no, it's oh, I forgot. It's daylight savings time, which is different than relationship savings time Well, I'm going to LA and then I'm going to Italy with my family no, you're not invited You're not part of my family. We all hate you and never

Then I'm going on tour. Okay, so did you guys watch the after show of this? I don't, but I do love some clips. Okay, it's how I get my news. Headline reading. So I've been watching the Instagram clips of this after show where Paige finally opens up. I was actually surprised Paige opened up on the after show. Get yourself an Us Weekly article. I mean, Jesus Christ, Lindsay had one for literally everything. Yeah.

Lindsay came out of a bathroom stall, according to us. You know, like, come on, Paige. I believe in you, Paige. So anyway, she was talking about her breakup, and she's like, yeah. It's like he never really supported what I was doing. Like, he got mad I was going on tour. And Amanda goes, yeah, remember he made you watch that, like, documentary about people going on tour? And Paige goes, yeah. It was about some band called ABBA. Okay.

I mean, it's like some Norwegian thing. And it was... I was mortified. I was like, how do I stand up for this woman week after week? Honestly. It's like, yeah, some Norwegian people. And they have a whole documentary about how all of their families broke up because they went on tour. I just love... I love that Craig's like, watch ABBA, see how it ruined their life. Yeah.

And that's when she realized, wait, why waste time? Let's just end it now before the tour instead of after. Yeah. Now, I guess as long as we're talking about after shows, did you see the other clip of Shep? No, what was that one? Oh, you have forsaken me, Instagram. I thought that's what you were about to say. So Shep went on to, I think, another Bravo after show. And he's like, gosh, shh.

Paige never went on one single vacation with Craig for the show. That's not fair. If she was a good girlfriend, she would go with Craig on the show to the Bahamas, to any place, any vacation. That's fucked up, man. I'm not getting paid for this show. Why would she go? It's not her show. She ain't getting paid for that shit. I wouldn't go either. Have you seen your vacations? We, the audience, are barely showing up for them. Yeah.

No, he was really spicy about it. There are monsters on those vacations. I wouldn't go either. Just like Craig was to his girlfriend. That's how he would have been. Oh, Paige! Why aren't you marrying Craig? They have a huge cast. They would have all sat down and put Paige in the middle of the table like they do with Sienna and be like, so what's going on with you and Craig? Are you going to give up your tour? Are you going to give up Giggly Squad? Are you going to move here to Charleston? Are you going to put on Lily Pulitzer? What are you going to do? She'd be like,

Ew, where's DoorDash? Hold on! I want to dedicate this slow dance to Paige and Craig! You can dance, you can dance, you can dance! You're a really busy girl. You know, this might be one of our longer times of not seeing each other. Usually it's like, I don't know, every five days or so. Yeah, yeah. This will be the last time.

Are you trying to say that we're usually more in sync, Craig? Yeah. Well, that band is more together than we'll ever be. So he literally says, so, and he's got that big puppy dog smiling. He's like, so when am I going to see you next? And she literally says, never. This is the last time you're going to see me and you just don't know it. Just kidding. She's not kidding. She's not kidding. Yeah.

So, uh, aw, I love a mixed crowd. You guys report, Craig. Stop falling for it. Suckers. Suckers. The chicken has blown the coop. Suckers. Last week, people were booing because I said, what the fuck is wrong with me?

It's that cheerleader girl. She fucked my whole day up. I should have kicked her like I wanted to in the first place. Always. Made myself. Always kick. I was saying that Shep was faking his whole relationship and people are like, oh!

Suckers. So now we're going over to, you know, every season of Southern charm has to end with like a stuffy formal at a random house. So now we're at one and this time Madison and Ryan are setting it up. And honestly, like Ryan has said three words this entire season. So this is the first time he actually gets to say like multiple sentences. Um,

Which is weird because it's the first time I noticed his accent. And also, it was the first time I noticed that he has a deranged opinion about feathers. Because he was like, I like it all. I like everything. Not those feathers. Can we get those feathers? Can we strike the feathers? I just can't see the feathers. No more feathers. No more feathers. I know.

And the party planner who did everything, like this, people did nothing for this party. It's like, okay, well, I set up this old prison. So that's my, I made this a presentable place. It's in a prison. You know, Patricia was mortified to walk in here. Like, well, I never. Only time I come here is to get Whitney out and pay the chief.

They did have a room that was dedicated to Thomas Ravenel, which I thought was nice. That was very nice. One-way lock. Yeah, so in this prison, Anne Ryan is... It was a restroom stall. With many smooth surfaces. With a little mirror table on the...

The Thomas Ravenel Center for Smells. You know, I do think that like Catherine yelling, Thomas! Thomas don't go walked, that way Piper No could run. Yes, Piper!

I always felt like Catherine was kind of a Parker Posey character anyway. She kind of is like she's from Waiting for Guffman, you know? So it's all full circle. Okay, so party, party. This is the only place in the South I've ever seen it turn summer and people put on suits. Who does that? Where I'm from, you get out your little short jorts, throw on a thong and hit the town.

It's summer! Wear a three-piece suit and a ball gown! So everyone's getting ready at different places, trying on dresses. Charles sits on a gown or something like that. Taylor's getting her makeup done with Penny, which is exciting. I don't know if this is only editing, but every time they show Taylor with Penny, Penny's just laying there looking at her, and she's like, hey, Penny, what do you think? And they just show Penny, and Penny's like, mm-mm.

I feel like Penny always wants to pee on something.

Like Penny is ready to pee on the gown. Penny is ready to pee on the bed. Penny's ready to go. So we wind up, we land with Craig going over to Austin's place. And Craig is like, I think like life and friendships, it's like always going to be like a roller coaster, but you got to keep the ride going because there are so many stories to tell. Hashtag storyteller.

So, I got a text yesterday from Taylor. It was just like, hey, FYI, you know, you know all the girls were talking about you trying to see Sally's boobs. I mean, what the hell, man? It's insane right now. And we see a flashback of Sally being like, yeah, he was like, show us your tits. And Lev is like, oh my God. And Taylor's like, oh my God.

Yeah, and like he was just saying it in front of everyone. Oh my God. Oh my God. I love earning that paycheck. So basically Taylor called Austin to say, hey, Sally's talking about how you want to see her boobs. And I think that she's coming for your relationship with the girl from Charlotte.

I was just trying to shamelessly get the Charlotte people to be like, yeah, Charlotte. Oh, that girl is from here. You guys are like, we don't want to claim her. We don't claim her. We don't claim her. No, that girl seems super nice. She seems nice. I actually like when they show her today. I mean, she seems like so nice and so young. You know, I want to pull up in my auntie van and be like, get in, get in.

I know he seems nice, but no. Get in the car. We're having a talk around the block, man. But I like when they showed her in this episode. Every time they show her, he goes, hey, Pookie. He's like, hey, Pookie. Pookie. Pookie. How you doing, Pookie? How you doing today? And she's like, tired. Tired.

I just want everyone in the front row to know that we were thinking about you, and on the off chance that Austin was going to come to the show, we did have ponchos ready for you to wear. So you could stay dry. I wonder why I didn't want to come. So weird. Insane. Insane right now, Ronnie.

His ass crack is like on its own journey today. God damn, it needs its own frequent flyer mile. That's because your ass crack is a storyteller. So we get to Sally on her way to the summer story and she's with her fuck boy, Andrew. Formerly Grace Lilly's fuck boy, it should be noted.

It's important to tell the whole backstory. I'll take him. I mean, that guy is hot. Listen, that's the kind of fuckboy this show needs. We're following the wrong fuckboys. Get on that one. A man bunning a prayer. Run him like there's no tomorrow. So Sally's like, me and Andrew were very hot and heavy in the beginning. I talked him to Applebee's. She gave him the night of his life.

We were best friends turned into lovers. It was like a rom-com, but with little fried onion peels. It was fun. We've been trusting each other, dating each other for over a year. Yeah, I've never had this with any of my other relationships. She tells him, wow, I've never seen you with the shirt on. I was like, yeah, girl. He's like, you know what? Tonight, I just want to hang out with me. Me.

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So then we go to Molly's and Shep shows up in some velvet. What is Shep doing? What was this outfit? Was he like, did he like parliament? It was like the revolutionary war. I don't know what the fuck Shep was doing. Did he like hear that Oasis was back together? Like,

It was like velvet head buns. I was like, what Civil War reenactment are you going to after this? Yeah, he was fighting for the other side of that war. He was in the blue coats. Yeah, it was... Wait, I'm really stupid with history. Sorry.

When we were in Canada, the lady who works the theaters and stuff in Canada, the booker, she was like, Oasis is so huge that we had to build a new stadium for Oasis. Isn't that crazy? Never underestimate the power of a dad. You know? God damn, for Oasis. Yes. That's what I said. It's a wonder. You go, dad.

Okay, so Shep arrives in some weird... Oasis, by the way, is such the Craig band, because they literally were doing Craig voice before Craig was doing Craig voice. Like... Maybe... It's like, if you ever imagine Craig singing, it is literally Oasis. Okay, so he picks her up. He's like, hi! She's like, wow. Wow.

You look so... handsome. She's got a big knocker that's like huge nuts to the hanging down. Shep is a little uncomfortable with the process. He's like flicking it with his finger. He's like, I don't want to get too many fingers on those nuts. Gosh. Like Tom Girardi nuts just like hanging all the way to the grass. That was a knocker.

Molly says that her brother gave her that knocker, which is exciting. And Shep is like, gosh, I'm going to use the bathroom. It's not going to be like something about Mary. You know, when I got the balls in the zipper, stuck in the zipper. Remember that? Remember that? How old are you again? I shouldn't get that. Something about Mary's girl's like, was that in black and white or...

Yeah, well, you know, it gets his nuts stuck in the zipper. She's like, gross. Don't you remember the part? That girl combed her hair with spooge. And then she had like, what? That's hilarious. She's like, I'm going to practice my tuba so I don't have to hear you peeing.

I feel like that's like an old man long pee. And I can say this as a 50-year-old person, almost. The pee gets longer and longer. You know Shep was in there for a long time. Yeah. I could have watched something about Mary in the time that it took that man to pee. What's the opposite of I'm not here for a long time, but a good time? It's like, I'm not here for a short time, but for a sad time. Shep peeing.

So he's like, "Oh, it's just gonna be like prom!" And she's like, "Well, I'm not like a big dancer, like, you know, prom was like not really a big deal for me. It was like super stressful, you know? It's like tonight, like I'm just terrified I'm gonna be stuck out there dancing with a fucking dork."

Gosh, well, I feel like it's really soon to be dating, but I'm all for it. And she's like, yeah, I think it's really soon after his heartbreak with Sienna. So I'm not trying to be like, hey, you want to get married? But then on the other hand, it's like me and a tuba. So maybe, I don't know. So we go to the party and messy ass Rodrigo's there trying to make a mark.

Poor Rodrigo. He just tries so hard. He's literally running around and he comes up to Austin and he's like, hey, titty joke. Remember? Because you said that thing about her and now you're in trouble for her. It's going to be a great season finale. And I feel like his partner knows it because every time they cut to his partner, he's always smiling like, hmm. He tries. I feel like every time they show his partner, they show the gayest shot ever because it's never just his partner being like, hello, how are you? It's always him being like, hmm.

Every time I know they have to have normal shots of this fucking guy. I love Tyler. I love Tyler because I feel like I could like sit down and talk about Ina Garten with him for about two hours. So Leva arrives in a leopard dress. She's like, hey, nice place. What is this, a jail?

So, yeah, I heard about the barber on the phone. Yeah, I don't have a long time, guys. Can we just get to the fucking barber scene? All right, I've got things to do. At which point on my airplane, I heard, Lava yawns, rolls her eyes, and sits down.

Collects paycheck. So she goes up to Vanita and she's like, you know what? Oh no, she's just telling us. She's like, you know what? If you heard JT saying that, fucking JT can call like a man and be like, I feel like you've disrespected my friend instead of like whisper, whisper, whisper. I'm so sick of everybody and everybody else's business. I cannot wait to confront somebody tonight about this when it's none of my fucking business. So Austin walks up to Sally and he's like, Sally,

I just want to clear the air with you, perhaps. Clear the air? You're adding saliva to it. She's like, she's pulling out an umbrella. Yeah, the air is a little thick tonight. Jesus.

She's getting like the COVID mask over her eyes. She's like, hold on one second. Okay, now you can talk. Well, it kind of came around back to me that I was saying things in the Bahamas. My boobs. Yeah, your boobs. My boobs. Yeah. Because they're so big. Can I see them? Can I see them? But I mean, it wasn't like a thing. You were just talking about my boobs. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, like, you know, I didn't want to cross like a line or something, but like I brought to my attention. It was insane. You were talking about my boobs. Yeah, I remember you were talking about it. Remember that? Yeah. That was fun.

It's fine. Who cares? Who doesn't talk about my boobs? I love them. You know, and I was just saying it in a fun way because everyone was talking about how, you know, I was getting rid of them. And then we see a flashback to that scene last week with the doctor where he's like, whoa, wow. Wow.

God damn, did someone get married because a pair of cans just jangled down the street? Jesus Christ. Wow. Wow. Those are... Mother! We're taking those things out? Can I get a picture first, just as proof? Yeah, well, I thought it was fun, too. I mean, it got brought back to my attention. It was something bad I was saying, you know? I mean, I don't want Pookie to get mad, so...

So she's like, who told you that I said this? And he's like, Taylor did. Which is funny because Austin always rats out Taylor every single season. Anytime, anything, Austin rats her out. Well, you know, it wasn't really that big of a deal. I don't know why Taylor's trying to make it one. And we see Taylor. She has like a shell of some sort that she's serving champagne out of. I don't know what's going on in this jail. Yeah. Yeah.

Summer soiree, not drinks. So he's like, yeah, I mean, it just got brought to my attention. So she's like, I'm going to have a talk with Taylor. Dun, dun, dun. The big boob confrontation. I can't wait. Season finale. They're firing on all cylinders. We're going to have a boob fight. Yeah. Ba-ba-doom.

Bop-bop-boob. So then Shep and Molly arrive. Everyone's like, Shepard looks like a general right now. Shepard, Shepard, Shepard. What are you, Sergeant Pepper? Molly's like, who? What are these fucking old guys talking about?

so like is there is there a jello stand in here for these men jesus christ patricia and whitney show up patricia's like fine i'll do my five minutes with the cast and then wheel me back to the house i know he just rolls up with the dolly she's like i'm going inside i'm not standing out here who stands out here is ridiculous

I'd rather go into the prison than talk to these losers in the sun. Get me in there. So Molly and Shep are having banter. And, gosh, now's the time where we can have banter. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk. So Molly's like, I really want to be with someone that's larger than me because it makes me feel more feminine. She's like, yeah, and you can have sex standing up. Or that. Yeah.

So Patricia is sitting with Ryan and Ryan's like, wow, this is a great party so far, right? It's all going real well, except for those feathers. Yeah, you should have that woman murdered. I like that he's so mad about feathers and he's talking to Patricia who is covered head to toe in fucking feathers. Ryan is going to go to sleep tonight and he's going to see feathers on his ceiling, like a little baby with feathers. Or he's going to be offed. Just read this note before you're dead.

You fuck with feathers, you fuck with me. I brought you on to this show, Mary. I can take you off. So she's like, look, Austin, look how many single women there are. And this guy's like, Austin's not single. Remember, he's dating that young girl out of town, so he never has to have in-town accountability about everything. Oh, that's right.

So then Austin is now, he's talking to Patricia and he's like, so I'm really rooting for Molly and Chef. I really want that to happen. She's like, oh, I don't even know who Molly, who is Molly? Is she on our show? I want to have a conversation with any woman that joins this group. And I want to tell her, one, stay away from Whitney's money, you fucking harlot. Yeah.

And two, caution. Caution. I don't think you're wrong. So Shep and Molly are doing there. He's like, whoa, I'm a boy. I'm your girl. We're in a ball. I'm like on a date with Ophelia.

So, Sally and Taylor, Sally and Taylor are like, all right, time to have a scene to see if we get on to next seasons. Hey, hey, Taylor. Hey, remember my housewarming party? We agreed to keep our names out of each other's mouths. Yeah. My name's in your mouth. Sorry.

How so? Well, you were texting Austin and telling him that I'm coming after him. I did. Why? I mean, I've never in no way, shape, or form come after him or with him. But you told the girls... To this party. I did not come with him to this party, Papa, no. You told the girls he wanted to see your tits.

Well, I never, no, I never said that. I said that my tits were on me and he was like, let me see those. But I didn't say he wants to see my tits. Well, I don't know how you phrased it to the girls. No, I don't think you do. That's not how I phrased it at all. But it was told to me. You. You. You. Guess. Tits. Tone. Tone.

One second, can we give some more juice to these girls? Keep my name out of your mouth. You, I'm not taking this. I don't have to do this. I'm walking away. Taylor, you are not important enough to walk away every scene, okay? You have not earned this. I am addicted to your charisma. You stand right there. You finish this like a grown turtle.

That's what she always does. She always walks away. So Taylor then goes over to the guys and is like, she was like a chihuahua. I was like, no, I'm pretty sure it was just a very dull fight you guys just had. Most docile chihuahua I've ever seen. Ryan's the chihuahua. Ryan's over there like feathers. Feathers. Feathers. Feathers. Feathers in here.

We're going to find him curled up in like a bathrobe. Like, feathers now, feathers now, feathers. Is your dog cold? For Chihuahuas, they're always like... So, Leva goes up to Vanita because Leva's like, um, hello, I've got to get back to my shift at Zachary's Daiquiris. I need to get back and make sure nobody in Nikes is getting through the front door of my bar, so...

I heard they're trying to figure out how to spell birthday on the sign at Republic. I got to go back there. So can we get your, Vanita, can we get your little scene on the road here? Aren't you supposed to be confronting Ryan? And he's like, oh, I don't like confrontation. Vanita, you're on a reality show. Come on. So she's like, come on, Vanita. You need to confront Ryan. Do you want me to go with you? She goes, yeah, I'm scared. I'm scared. Ryan is a very scary person.

Did you see what he did to those feathers? So they pull Ryan to this like side room and Ryan thinks it's just gonna be like a fun kiki like, hey, we're just gonna talk about things. Yeah. But they get in and immediately he's like, oh my God, girls, I am so sorry. Who left those feathers there? He's like truly mortified.

Like, this is the most embarrassing thing that happened to him all season. He's like, I don't even know where my manners are. I had you come into a room when there was a vase of feathers. It is just so unbeneath me. You know who would do that? Northerners, but not me. Not me. Isn't this a nice little side room? Finally, we can kiki. Oh, my God. Thank God we're in a prison because Belinda's going to be stuck in it. God damn it, Belinda, there's feathers in here.

So they sit down and Vanita's like, so I'm just here with Leva because she's my support. Thank you, Leva, so much for being here. You know, the information you gave me about the barber, you know, and JT saying something derogatory, you know, I mean, it's just confusing. I just don't think JT's capable. I just don't think he's capable of saying anything, you know? And then I learned that there's no facts behind what you said. Zero facts, Ryan. Yeah.

Let me jump in here. I'm Lava. I heard the barber, and I'll tell you this right now. There's no way that barber ever said it. I spoke with the barber on FaceTime. Case closed. Case closed. Someone call Kathy Bates and say, Matlock, don't bother coming down. Figured it out. I'm on the case. And it's closed. So Ryan's like, well, I believe in telling the truth always. Always.

When it's your truth to tell. And this is a moment where I've seen my friend telling me that she's in love with this short person and she's caught feelings for him. And even though they're never going to get her on a ride at Disneyland because he can't even ride the fucking T. I mean, there's a short person.

And, you know, and then, you know, there's paragraphs, you know, from JT. And that's I have to tell my friend. I have to tell my friend. So this barber is clearly running a business. And he's obviously going to want a clean house. And I get why he would spin it. We could have flashed back to the barber being like, girl, I don't know what he said. He said something like some girl, some show, maybe she's black.

I don't know. I mean, I didn't really say anything. I think she drowned at one point. It might be a ghost. Here, I do remember you didn't buy any extra conditioner like I offered you. That wasn't nice. But, you know, I would never repay you in a terrible way. You know, it's just that I'll make a little more conditioner commission than I do want anything else in this place. But listen, you don't support me. Doesn't mean I'm going to throw you under the bus, does it? So Madison slinks in.

Get that messy barber on here immediately. I know. Next season, messy barber. We need a good gay on this show. I need the barber. Yes. Girl. Shep came in here the other day. He said, I don't want a haircut. I said, get the fuck out of here and send Austin. Austin came in and asked for the Lindsey Graham. He asked for the Lindsey Graham. I gave it to him straight up. He's fucking four women. I'll tell you that right now.

So Madison comes in. She's like, hey, I just want to check on Ryan. Belinda's crying out there. Something about feathers. He threw a dish at her face. Okay, now we have someone else in this room. Okay, you know what, Madison? He's okay. It's not like we're jumping down his throat or we're accusing him of stuff that he didn't do or anything like that, Madison.

We just want to get to the bottom of it. And I just feel like, you know, we're all friends. And I just think it's a matter of like passing this sort of information can be very damaging. And rather than like calling someone up, you should just go directly to JT and tell him to his face. Rodrigo's like, did someone say bottom of it? Oh, excuse me. Here, there's room for you in here, Rodrigo. Get on in there. They're yelling at Ryan. It's fun. Get in here.

Well, what I said was not my subconscious. I said JT, and he said everybody. And then Patricia's like, oh, hi, excuse me. Do you know how many sweating poor people are in there? I can't take this. If I wanted to spend the night of abuse, I'd be at home with an electric rod and Randy, which is where I'm going to end up.

Ryan's like, okay, well, I'm just trying to make a point here. It's like my one time this season. I'm trying to make a point. And Leva's like, listen, what happens in this group is that there's a group of people that say things and people pile onto it. And he's like, well, I'm going to be very direct with you. He's like, um, let me finish. No, um, um, no, no, because you're not finishing. I was like, yes, listen, I don't know what Ryan's doing right now, but I'm team Ryan. Shut up, Leva.

And what are you talking about, people gang up on other people? That's you, Leva! You're holding the torch every single time. It's Leva. Brian's like, okay, okay. Oh, that was good. I just sort of, I clap back at Leva. Okay, you can do this. Okay, here's what I've got to say. Take it down a notch, Ryan. Take it down. Take it down a notch, gay person. Okay, I will take it down a notch, but I have something really important to say, and it is the following. Excuse me. I just wanted to say bye to everybody. Oh, God, another person's in here. Stop going at me.

I just, I'm just, okay, Dorinda, you just be quiet. I'm just trying to say, this is a very important thing for me to say right now. I've seen better parties at the goddamn carnival, all right? I'm out of here. Fuck this place. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. You want to mess with the carny, you're going to pay, bitch. Leva! How are you, Leva? Leva! Oh!

Whoa, you know what? This is a better party than the party out there. That's it. What are we all doing in here? Oh my God, it's a man. A man in a suit. Whoa, I heard that there's a gay man in here who hates feathers. Sabrina from Tenafly told me all about it. What's going on, Huns? What's going on? Excuse me, but this party, everybody's wearing a suit. It's so Persian. India. What's going on? Are you all happy? I'm happy. I'm so happy.

How? You know what? Look at all these people at a party. Get a job. Get a job. Everybody at this party, get a goddamn job. My turn. My turn. I am here in Charleston to talk to this gay man who is afraid of feathers. All right, everybody, listen. Still me. Still me. Ugh.

Just get out. I want to have this conversation with just us. I don't need all these little voices. I've already dealt with feathers. So everyone's like, fine, we're trying to help you have a varsity level fight, whatever. So everyone just sort of shuffles out.

So he's like, I just don't need any more opinions in here, okay? Leva, this is between us. And she's like, um, listen, I'll let Vanita decide that. Vanita's like, uh, Leva, I love your support, but you've done a lot. You can go. She's like... Leva's like, excuse you, I was a consultant on Sir Wieners. LAUGHTER

So she leaves. And she's pissed. So Ryan's like, okay, Vanita, I'm listening. So Vanita's just basically like, what's going on? So meanwhile, Madison's outside as everybody gets kicked out. It's like, oh my god, Dorinda Medley just slapped me, called my husband ugly, and left. What the fuck's going on in there? So...

Rodrigo's like, yeah, like, Ryan's just, like, running his mouth. I'm like, back it up, girlfriend. Whatever. Yeah, well, guess what? I'm going to trust Ryan all day over JT. Sorry. So now we go back to Vanita and Ryan, who've had this whole big thing that we've been waiting to get to the bottom of. And Vanita's basically like, well, sorry.

She's like, you know, when JT said that Ryan was lying, I was like, why would Ryan lie? And he's like, I wasn't lying. I was activated by feathers. There were so many feathers in here. You don't understand. I was calling everyone, just saying all sorts of crazy things, but I'm off it now. Everything is okay. So he's like, well, I'm allowed to say what my barber said to me. And I'm sorry that it hurt anybody, but I'm allowed to relay my own barber gossip. Zzzz.

And I love that she bought that. She's like, you know what? You're right. You are allowed to. You paid for those plugs. This is all your story. Yeah. It's not called OK Cuts. It's called Super Cuts. And you paid for that. So they hug because they realize it's not as fun to fight when it's just the two of you. So they love each other. And now we go back to the party. And we see Molly and Shep. They're dancing. He's like, Carl.

I have to say, everybody on this show keeps saying, "Oh my god, they've got such chemistry." They literally don't. Like, they show them standing against this back wall and she's just kind of like leaning there and like looking around at people, kind of rolling his eyes, and he's like, "This is real velvet! Amazon! It came with a little parrot sewed to the shoulder, but I took it off for the party!" "Sienna said that when I wore it, it just proved that I wasn't rich enough."

So all the gang is like, they should make out. Make out, make out. And Craig's texting, you should make out. There was a man, a man in a hot suit, who looked over at his friend and wanted more romance for his friend's life. Sustained. He's like, no. Craig wants us to make out. She's like, all right. So meanwhile, Austin and Craig have a moment because they have to finish their storyline. So Austin's like, ugh.

I don't want to be weird, Craig, but I feel more connected to you than ever before. It's like someone froze all my saliva and now there's a bridge of spittle between me and your face. Yeah, it was so rough during that whole time. You know, we just kept getting our lines crossed and now we're just both back on the same line, so... It's great having lines together.

So he's like... Bring your own straw, though. I don't like shoving the yours at mine now. By the way, remember when I said our friendship was good and then I was surprised when you said that our friendship wasn't good? And I was like, no, our friendship was good. Well, turns out our friendship wasn't good because I never even knew you had a girlfriend. So, how's that going? Yeah.

He's like, yeah, maybe 2024 is when you're engaged. And he's like, yeah, maybe we're both going to get married this year. I'm 99% confident that I'm going to propose this year. Me too. Me too. Paige is like, so you're saying there's a chance that you won't.

So, um, let's see. So we get some small talk between Shep and that girl. I don't care. Okay, so basically the party's over, right? Okay, let's just leave this party. Okay, because now's the good part. Picking up the cameras for a storyteller. Yeah. They say two hours later, and then we see fireworks, and I was like, is Shep eating again? Yeah.

Shep is like, "Gosh, I was in the Caribbean and I got a message from Rodrigo and it said, 'Hey girlfriend, sister friend, have you seen the news? Holy shit!' And I said, 'What, is there going to be a sequel to the seminal documentary, The Vietnam War by Ken Burns?'" And Austin's like, "Wow, I guess they broke up. I guess we could see that there were some cracks. There were cracks there."

Yeah, maybe like when Paige said, this is the last time you're going to see me, you just don't know it yet. Don't go, aww. It's funny. It's funny that they broke up. I'm sorry, but especially knowing that that man told her to watch the ABBA documentary because tours ruin lives. Fuck that fucking guy. Okay? And then...

When Scandival happened, I was like, oh my fucking God. When this happened, I was like, it's just funny. It's just funny because it was there all along. We've been talking, how long, how many years have we been saying how much time is left in this relationship? It's never going to work out. And then it happens, people are like, oh my God. Yeah. I mean, look, it's just things that Craig's saying. Like,

that and then when he told her yeah I guess you could just take the kids because you make your own money honey or you know I know that you're working now but eventually we're going to have kids and you can't do that anymore fuck that fucking guy I don't care what happens to him and I'm not buying this sir

His whole like, ooh, like he got a special haircut for this scene. And I think this is right when he did his whole bullshit thing where he went on Instagram and he's like, guys, I've been so blindsided by Paige. After it was like three months since she dumped his ass. And he's like, oh, it's just me, Charming Craig. It's the same haircut. Same sweater, too. I clocked that as well. It's been clocked and recorded and observed. Girlfriend. So... Trust your barber.

I wonder if Candice LeWand's talking about this right now at her show. Well, well, well, Craig. Turns out I have kind of a track record with Charleston guys, if you know what I'm saying. So Craig is doing his whole, wow, you know, we had... And I'm actually proud of Craig here because I really thought Craig was going to do like a come in guys where he's like in sweatpants and acting all sad, but he's not.

He's doing like a running for mayor thing where he's like, well, you know, we had a great Thanksgiving together. Like everything was normal at our parents, you know. And then a couple weeks later, she said, we got to talk. And Shep goes, oh, wait, prior to Christmas?

Craig's like, yeah, it's like, I knew. Like, I was like, I can't believe this is happening. And it was like really calm. And she's like, I need to like find myself and I'm sick of eating kangaroo with you.

I have to take control of my life again and we need to break up, you know? And the only people I wanted to tell was you guys because, you know, we were crossing lines, right, Austin? Yeah, I understand. Yeah. But the truth is I couldn't get it out yet. You know, it was so hard. He's like, were you waiting to go public with this? Why would you wait? He's like, because what if it wasn't real, you know? Like, she asked me to buy her a ring. No.

No, she didn't. No, she did not. I don't believe it. One second. For Paige, that's like saying, hey, Craig, would you do me a favor? Come inside my bedroom at night holding a knife to my throat and say boo. Craig, she don't want that. That's like the most terrifying thing in the world. She's not going to ask for that. She's like, hey, Craig, I got a new ringtone. When you call, it says, don't answer, don't answer. She wants a ring. So...

So Craig is like, yeah, I wasn't going to say anything. Well, Austin, to be real with you, like, I was... Sorry to interrupt you, but he goes, she asked me to buy her a ring, and I did. And then he goes, like, I went to New York, designed the whole ring, and she said to hold off. So you didn't buy the ring. You fucking liar. You can't make it through two sentences, Craig. So... What is it? First of all, the ring didn't mean a thing. Storyteller, yeah.

But what part of she told me, hold off on that ring, says that everything was hunky-dory, to quote Kathy Hilton. But looking back, maybe that was her starting to panic or freak out. Maybe, maybe. Hold on, Craig, don't get that ring because I fucking hate you. I think that maybe she doesn't like me.

We went to karaoke and she sang a Beyonce song, but I don't remember the words being, if you like it, then you should have put a ring on somebody else because I'm never going to fucking marry you. Please get that fucking ring away from me. It didn't really even match the music. So he's like, well, I wasn't going to say anything because, like, by the way, like, Austin, it's just like, if I had told you, like, no offense, you probably would have told everyone. That's fair. That's fair. That's fair. That's fair.

It's just really weird to mourn someone who's still alive. No, it's not. Do you know how many people I have imaginary funerals for in my head? Every day! This morning I got back on the elevator with a Starbucks in my hand and said, that poor little girl. Full face of makeup and already dead. In line to the Starbucks. And the big TCBY in the sky.

And that brings us to the end of Southern Strong. Thank you so much, Charlotte.

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