#2773 RHOA S16E03 Part One: Mommy and Mean
50:25 Share

One of the reasons we love watching Bravo shows is for the luxury. I mean, come on, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Most of the time I can just watch it for the shots of the gorgeous city and the houses. And let's not forget Lisa Barlow's $60,000 ring that she lost. Oh, heck yeah.

If you're looking for a way to experience luxury for yourself, try Virgin Voyages. Over $1,000 in value is included in every sailing. Everything they offer, from their menus created by Michelin star chefs to their cabins designed by top international firms, is the pinnacle of luxury.

of luxury. Virgin Voyages cruises are kid-free and catered to adult tastes, and they have some incredible destinations. We're talking Caribbean escapes, Iceland and the British Isles, Miami, New York. You can even live out your below-deck med fantasy with their Lux Voyage in the Med. I am so excited to go on my first Virgin cruise. You know, the idea of a kid-free ship is very appealing to me,

And all these menus. It's like definitely a boat made for Ben. It looks like a giant, gorgeous club with fabulous rooms. I cannot wait to go. Book now at virginvoyages.com or contact your travel advisor.

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Well, with the Name Your Price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try it at Progressive.com. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states.

It's time to transform your healthcare experience with Amazon One Medical Paper Visit. Perhaps you're dealing with hair loss or looking to clear your skin. One Medical PPV offers upfront, affordable healthcare, available 24-7. Easily access treatments for common concerns, like ED, hair loss, and prescription solutions for beauty and skincare. With One Medical PPV, you can quickly connect with a provider right from home.

No insurance necessary. Just one flat fee per visit. Plus, you'll receive transparent pricing and fast, free medication delivery through Amazon Pharmacy. Head to www.amazon.com slash o-m-p-p-v to learn more. That's amazon.com slash o-m-p-p-v. A provider determines eligibility. Prices may vary.

♪ ♪

Hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker and joining me today is the wonderful and cheerful Ronnie Karam. Hi Ronnie, how are you? Hi, how are you Ben? I am just great. God, it feels like it was just a few hours ago that we were all the way across the country hanging out. And now look at us. Now you're in Texas, I'm in California. How did this even happen? Planes.

crazy crazy invention planes crazy crazy inventions thank you to everyone who came out this weekend uh who came to our shows in charlotte and atlanta that was so fun it was so great to go back to both of those cities two of our favorite cities to go to we always have so much fun we had a great great great great time um and today we're talking we're recapping the real housewives of atlanta which is kind of funny

Because I watched it in the Atlanta airport this morning. And now I'm here in LA to talk about Real Hustlers of Atlanta, where I just was. And it feels like I should have stayed there to recap this. Feels wrong. But either way, before we dive into that. We were also at the Ponce Market. That's where we stayed. We stayed right there. And they were showing close-ups of it. I was like, oh my God, hi. We were just right there. Yeah.

Our first Atlanta show was in the Ponce Market at the City Winery. So every time they showed that sign, I'm always like, oh, our first one. And one of our listeners reminded us. She was like, I was there at the first show when you guys did a double, like a two in one night. I'm like, oh, my God. We were both like, can you believe we did two shows in one night? Yeah, we used to do that. We used to do two live shows in one night. That was stupid. That's wild. Yeah, it was stupid. So...

Anyway, our tour is going to keep on going. We are going to the Lincoln Theater in D.C. this weekend, and then we're going to the Fillmore in Philadelphia the next day. That's going to be on Saturday and Sunday. We have kind of a funky schedule, and we... It's...

It's weird. We're going to do Southern charms, uh, reunion part one in DC because we felt like DC is like, let's kind of like borderline the South. So we felt like that should be in DC. And then for Sunday, we're going to do the latest recap for summer house, uh,

So that's going to be several days after it airs. And so just, you know, for those who will not be at the show or just going to be other parts of the country, thanks in advance for your patience. We just really wanted to do Summer House in front of a live audience.

And it's really fun for us. So that is what the discount is going to be. Guess what we're going to do to make up for it. We're not going to make you sit around having no crap to listen to during the week. We're not fucking monsters. So we are going to start by popular demand. And we know it's late. We know it's late. But we are going to start doing White Lotus recaps for the final two episodes. We're actually going to do a catch-up episode today because it was the big catch.

One of the big episodes that everybody's been waiting for, a sword fight. That's all I'll say. A skin sword fight. We've been waiting for it all year and it finally happened. So we're going to be talking about that as an extra bonus this week. We've already released an airport snaps this week, but we'll be doing an extra bonus to entice you guys to sign up because we just love signups. But also the final two episodes will be recapped fully on Patreon. So go over there for that.

And then also to make up for those shows being late this week, we will start recapping Top Chef. Top Chef is back, baby. We're doing it. We're going back into the world of Top Chef. And our first Top Chef is actually just going to be kind of like a talking about the cast, what's happened in the season so far. So that'll be happening later this week. So we have a lot of fun stuff happening this week. If you want to come see us in D.C. or in Philadelphia, or if you want to see us in one of our future dates, be sure to

maybe in Detroit or Boston or Chicago or Austin or Dallas or Las Vegas, go to watch what crappens.com. The schedule's there and ticketing links are there and we would love to see you there. So come join. Yeah, we've been having a great time. It's been so great meeting so many people and you guys are so sweet and so funny.

just loving, we're having a great time. You guys are showing us a great time. I don't know how we're doing with you, but you guys are showing us a really great time. And I really had a career highlight, which is that someone brought me a Kia manual, user manual to sign over the weekend. And that was honestly, that was a very special moment. And someone brought us key chains for our anti-van, for Watch What Craps Anti-Van. Girl Scout cookies. Girl Scout cookies. And you guys all treated us well.

It's been glorious. It's like gifts from people who really know us, you know, the true us. I know, but it was like signing a key and manual. That was fun. That was pretty incredible. That felt like I had leveled up at that point.

It also made me super proud because they bought, they brought a physical copy of Lonesome Dove, just the one book, not the four in the, in the, not trilogy. What do you call that? A quad, a quadrogy? I don't know. But I was like, damn, I'm proud of myself that I read so many of these pages, you know, because I only see it on a Kindle. This really speaks to how little I am reading these days. Like Ronnie, you just read a piece of literature. That's the size of a yoga block. Ben,

Here's a user manual for a Kia. Because you talk about your Kia a lot. Yeah. All right. Let's get going with Real Housewives of Atlanta, Season 16, Episode 3, called High Notes and Cheap Shots.

Yes, I cracked up. I was laughing in the airport. This episode was so funny to me. I'm loving this season so far. I'm so excited. And today, the taglines are here. They have arrived. We have our new opening. The music, it's the same music, but they've kind of remixed it and kind of like spiffed it up a little bit. And the background now is kind of like, ooh, the streets of downtown Atlanta, but it's like very

colorful and vibrant and saturated. I love it. I'm just like loving this season so far. I feel like I've not loved Atlanta. Like, like I feel like this, this season has been the strongest kickoff in so many years for me for Atlanta. Well, there are a lot of small gifts for people who are paying attention in the show. And one of them is that whenever the waffle queen comes on the screen, she has her own theme music. They play the succession theme music every time she comes on notice.

It is so fucking funny. It's a version of succession they wrote for Karen, you know, when Karen had her, oh, it's going to get Surrey Farm. So they play it every time this chick comes on screen and I laugh out loud every single time. I think it's so funny. Like my waffle dynasty, which kid is going to get the, he's going to get Nana's waffles.

Well, I don't know if we discussed this on the season premiere. They also used my favorite bit of Real Housewives of Salt Lake City music that I feel like they've taken it away from Salt Lake City. It appears in all these other shows as never on Salt Lake City. Do you know what I'm talking about? It is, of course, the jam. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they played it at Shamia's party. And I was like, there it is. There it is. Oh.

So anyway, the taglines are here. Do you want to kick it off with Portia? Sure. I snatched my peach back, but now I'm bringing the juice.

Yeah, that's pretty good. I like that. I don't know, man. Like you just, you've still got hot dog man in your storyline. There's some things I just don't like squeezing juice out of. That's both hot dog man and Simon. Keep your juices to yourself, Portia. Your juices have been tainted by some pretty gross men lately. Okay. Clean your juice before you spray it all over my television screen.

Well, then we have Drew Sedora, whose tagline is very reminiscent of Countess Luanne's one season. Hers is, "I'll always be upper level. Everyone else is in the basement." Which is a reference to Ralph being cordoned off into the basement. But Luanne had one that was, "I rise above the drama and won't settle for the lower level."

You may remember as a reference to when Luann was put in the basement at Ramona's house, she's like, "There was a spider above the sink! I'm in the basement, could you believe it, girls?" And then it continued into, "And now I'm in the fish room? Wasn't it bad enough I got the basement?" So now we go over to Shamia, and Shamia's like, "Plus one? Honey, I've always been that one!" It's a little generic.

You know, also because Apple One raised their prices because, you know, they trick you and they're like, Apple One is $5 and you get Apple Music, Apple TV and storage. And now they're like $5 million. So every time I hear one, I just get mad. But I like Shamia for the most part. I like Shamia. I have some thoughts on Shamia, but I like Shamia. Yeah.

She's trying not to be the wind beneath your wings. I think it's very difficult when you're the Barbara Hershey in a relationship. You've got Bette Midler, you're saying, "You're the wind beneath my wings," and Barbara Hershey's like, "Awesome! I got to do nothing and get cancer when I'm young." So I didn't even get any attention for this movie and I never worked again very much. But here's Bette Midler singing the song at every fucking funeral. Excuse you, Barbara Hershey didn't work very much. She was in the seminal ballerina film.

Black Swan where she was so evil and so scary and I remember seeing her at I got to go to a party once and she was there and I remember I walked up to her and I was like you were amazing in Black Swan and she looked at me like

oh God, it's another gay. But I mean, does she have the same, like she didn't have the same control over people. Like Bette Midler could be like, gays go out and clean up the freeways. And we're like, oh my God, I love cleaning up trash on the freeway. You know, Barbara Hershey really just never had that pull. And it's because she was the wind beneath the wing.

And so I think Shamiya... She was the updraft. Yeah. So I think that Shamiya's, you know, she's trying to, like, put on the Bette Midler wig. And she's trying to take over that role. And it's just going to take, you know, baby steps. It's going to be hard because, I mean, Shamiya... Shamiya came in as Portia's friend, like, sidekick. And then she kind of became Candy's sidekick. And then... Was that my computer that just made that noise? Did I just think... Something just beeped at my ass at Ding Dong. I think it was...

This is supposed to be do not disturb. I guarantee that was my parents. Anytime it gets through, my parents have an ability to get right to do not disturb. Does not matter what settings you have on. My parents will be like, they'll find a way. We have a question about the Apple TV and like Apple's like, oh, there's an Apple TV question. We're passing this to anyone's do not disturb. Yeah. But Shamia, she became Andy's side. Don't they have that thing which is like Ben asked not to be disturbed, but do you want to disturb him anyway? Don't they have that thing now? Now you can say like, disturb him anyway.

I think so. You know what? It wasn't even my parents. Did you hear that one too?

Was that just about you? No, the second, was there a second ding? There was a second one just now. And that was, okay, you didn't hear that. Okay, thank God. My earphones, I'm losing my mind. Okay, this is what happens when you fly across the country before your podcast. I cannot, this is what happens when you talk about Barbara Hershey and the Black Swan is that you start to become the Black Swan. Like, do you hear that text message? Do you hear that? I wish, go away. Oh my God, Black Swan. That's all I took from that movie. I was like, oh my God, her eating disorder is so successful. And she looks so good in eyeliner. Yeah.

Well, all I was just going to say was that Shamia and Candy, I mean, Candy has that song, you know, I Rise Above. So that's literally like wind beneath. She's basically like, Shamia, you're the wind beneath my wings because I'm rising above. And I can't do that without wind. And that's you. So Shamia's already in the Barbara Hershey role just by what Candy already sang. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. She's in the Barbara Hershey role. She's trying to be a vet, but it's going to take some time. We're going to need to give her some time to kind of warm up. I do miss Candy's...

Candy was like, I like, you know, I don't know what hers was, but like, sometimes I sing and sometimes I fly. But Shamia is keeping the spirit of Candy alive because Shamia sort of has Candy's hair, like Candy's like original hair that she came on with, you know, when Candy had like that sort of short hair. Similar, but she doesn't be the blonde. Yeah.

Yeah, it's not as spiky as Candy's original one, but sort of like round. It's very round on the top. So she has kind of like the Candy Burrs vibe, you know, going on with her. She's kind of like the Jocelyn, not Jocelyn Wiltonstein. That's the lady whose face is R.I.P. Who did Halle Berry play in that movie, that old time movie star? Oh, Jocelyn Wiltonstein. Yeah.

Tally Berry is. Jocelyn Wilderson just died like a month ago and her obit, I'm going to tell everyone after you're done listening, it is wild. Dorothy Dandridge. Oh yeah, I saw that movie. Didn't Shonda Rhimes write that or direct it?

I don't know. It's something for everyone to think about. Okay. Here's Kelly. Okay. Jocelyn. Hold on. I want to read Jocelyn. Jocelyn will then, by the way, if anyone is coming here for a recap, that makes any kind of sense. You're in the wrong place. We're not there today. So just come back. I feel like our, our post airplane recaps, the new late night recaps for us. Okay.

I think we're just going to be insane and we're never going to stop. Well, while you look that up, I was gonna make a comment about Barbara Hershey. I feel like there is this like, um, class of, of actresses from the eighties, late seventies and eighties who are like respected and appreciated, but sort of forgotten about. It's like Kate Jackson, Barbara Hershey, um,

Sissy Spacek. Who is Amy Madigan? You know, it's like they worked. Holly Hunter was sort of in that group, but I think she, to quote Candy Burrows, she rose above. I think she transcended that group. We all know them.

And I think us gays, when you mentioned them, the gays are like, oh my God, I love Amy Madigan. But the truth is they never quite got the gravitas of like a Bette Midler, you know? Yeah. And I feel like Barbara was in that group. They're all just wind. But you know, we all need wind.

I will say this about the Jocelyn Wildenstein obit. They're doing that thing where they make you pay to read it. I'm sorry. Something should just be free. Like if there's a natural disaster coming, I shouldn't have to subscribe to your fucking newspaper to read it. You know what I mean? Like you should tell me like your house is on fire, like, but pay for a subscription to find out, you know, where it started. No, tell me. And if Jocelyn Wildenstein dying is important news, I'm not paying you for it. Sorry. It is very important news. Speaking of, we'll be featuring that on our paid only Patreon this week.

Okay, so who's next? Okay, I'm next for Kelly. Hers is, I'm a mom of four girls. Give me attitude and I'll ground you too. Well, first of all, I'm disappointed in this one because I feel like there should have been a waffle pun. Yeah, it should have been like, I have strong opinions and I never waffle.

- Exactly, but she probably didn't want to say never waffle because it was against the brand. Maybe something like, don't waffle with me, otherwise I'll hit you with an iron. Maybe too violent. - Waffle with me and I'll cook you. - Yeah, yeah. But I feel like the I'll ground you too, it's like, it makes it sound like, she's like, I have four girls and they're permanently grounded. So now you will be grounded too. My daughters don't get to do anything. They're grounded.

So, yeah, I don't like that one either. And then we have Angela, who's like, if you want to find the shade, just look for the oak.

i feel like it's forced i appreciated like i think coming on the heels of kelly's non-waffle pun tagline i was so thirsty for an appropriate pun that i was like i accepted this oak pun but um in a vacuum maybe not the best i think we could do better but i'm actually i'm expecting angela to be the new star of this show she hasn't really become the new star of this show but i'm expecting her to and i can see her really

doing all the necessary things, having the necessary conversation. Like when she tried to talk shit with her daughter about the other ladies and she's like, why are you talking shit while dad's making, you know, 97 pounds of fucking broccolini or whatever he or Brussels sprouts, whatever he was doing. She's getting there, but she's just not there yet. So I expected something a little bit better.

She deserved a better tagline, but I love her so far. I think she is so funny and she's shady and I like that she's older than the rest because I'm always going to gravitate toward the oldest one in the cast. So I am totally, I think I've chosen her as my favorite so far. Although I really like Kelly too. Okay, so now we'll go to Britt. Britt, excuse me, let me put on my apparatus. I'm pretty and paid and of course there's haters trying to shade.

I'm pretty and paid. Girl, that's not a way to outrun the hooker allegations. I know. That's not pretty and paid. Nobody owns me, but you can rent me. Like, what kind of line is that? Don't do that. It's also very, like, nursery rhymey. I'm pretty and paid. Of course there's haters trying to shade. I don't know. The rhyming. I don't know if I love rhyming in my housewives taglines. I feel like if they're all doing it, you can do it. But you can't just be the only rhymey one, you know?

What? Like, why did she not incorporate insurance into it? She should have been like, like a good neighbor. I'll fuck your man or something like that. You know? I may not be very progressive, but my insurance is. I'm progressive and I've got good hands. Yeah. Okay. So those are the taglines. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappin's commercial.

Hi, I'm William Gouge, a Vuri Collaborating professional ultrarunner from the UK. I love to tackle endurance runs around the world, including a 55-day, 3,064-mile run across the US. So, I know a thing or two about performance wear. My go-to daily short is the Core Short from Vuri. It's

Perfect for my daily run in the gym, strength training, or even when I'm taking a day off, relaxing, doing some stretching, and recovering the best way I can. Check them out by visiting Vuri.com slash William. That's V-U-O-R-I dot com slash William, where new customers can receive 20% off their first order. Plus, enjoy free shipping in the U.S. on orders over $75 and free returns. Exclusions apply. Visit the website for full terms and conditions.

Introducing Instagram teen accounts. A new way to keep your teen safer as they grow. Like making sure they've got the right gear for riding. Knee pads. Check. And helmet. Done. See you, Dad. New Instagram teen accounts. Automatic protections for who can contact your teen and the content they can see.

What is... Dax, are you... Tracking all our cars on Carvana Value Tracker? On all our devices? Yes, Kristen. Yes, I am. Well, I've been looking for my phone for... In Dax's domain, we see all. So we always know what our cars are worth. All of them? All of them. Value surge! Truck's up 3.9%! That's a great offer. I know. Sell? Sell. Track your car's value with Carvana Value Tracker today.

Benny, come get your hydroxyanisole and melamine. Not all fresh dog food is created equal. That's why at Just Food for Dogs, we pride ourselves on investing in the science surrounding your pet's food. Because while others contain highly processed, low-quality meat with fillers, Just Food for Dogs is gently cooked, human-grade food for complete nutrition. Give us two weeks and we'll change your dog's life forever. Get 50% off your first subscription order right now at JustFoodForDogs.com. More life, more years, more love.

We start over at Britt's house, and Britt's painful, just honestly, just, I don't even think she's done anything all that wrong yet. It's just that, that nose. I just feel so bad. I feel like someone conked her on the nose, and it just permanently flattened it like in a cartoon, and it won't ever, and it's not the look of it, it's just the sound. It hurts my ear. So, um...

She's with Mike, the most uninterested husband of the season. Every time they show Mike, even if he's not chewing on something, he's doing that thing where he's like, he does not want to be there. He's got an imagined toothpick in his mouth every single time he talks. Yeah.

if you're a dis like if you're the most disinterested husband on this season and this is the same season that has charles oakley and one guy like stuck in a basement that's saying something okay like that shows you're really disinterested yeah but um she so they're gonna have mike's family over and so this what's i also think that brit and mike are revealing themselves to be in like the drew sadora um

sort of space of wealth, which is to say not that wealthy, but trying to act like they're wealthy because they have this like private chef there, but I feel like they've never had a private chef before because they invite over his family and Brit's assistant is there, this cute guy. And he's wearing like a full on tuxedo. And it's like, he's handing people like paper plates of scallops. I'm like, have you ever,

Cook for people before, like, have you ever had people over? No, they're trying to make it like she has her parties all catered. Like girl, you just had a scene last week where you were talking about your husband not buying you like real marble on your finishes. You know what I mean? And this week she's like, look at us. We have catering every week. And you know, she doesn't because the chef is wearing a t-shirt with his brand as big as possible on the t-shirt. So, you know, she's getting this for free and that's fine, but I don't need a pretend rich person.

Exactly. I prefer someone who's like, I'm middle class, but I'm going to be richer than all these ladies. Yeah, there was something about like, it's like, oh, we're just going to have some lobster tail and my assistant is in a tuxedo right now. I was like, but you're still in your like kind of suburban kitchen and it's like all casual. I just felt like they'd never done this before. And they were like, maybe if we want to be like fancy folks, we'll put someone in a tux and oh, lobster, definitely lobster. I was like,

What is this little meal they have going on? One of the kids is like, Lobster, don't you think that's a little too fancy? Even the kid knew. Like, shut up, kid. We do this every day. He's like on Yelp. He's on kid Yelp. He's like, hey, stars. And I always think of restaurants because I had a chef when I was working in restaurants one time be like, the funniest thing about lobster, they're the trash of the sea. Everybody knows it.

They're not the trash of the sea. That is a lie. They crawl along the sea and eat all the garbage. You know, rich people are like, oh my God, lobsters are amazing. Congratulations. So does every other animal. Every other animal literally eats garbage if they get given the chance. Like I don't love poop eaters. There's one right behind me. Look at him. Yeah, exactly. Back there, Bueller.

We're all acting like all our pets aren't sniffing each other's asses and stuff. They're all down there. Well, the only ones who aren't crawling along the bottom are those like, are truly are just like fish, you know, like a tuna is going to stay right mid, mid sea level to ocean. Oh, look at this guy. He looks like he had a big, big plate of poop. He had a lot of poop today. He's like, ah, coma. Starring Barbara Hershey.

For those who are listening at home, Ronnie has moved out of the way and we can see that Bueller is passed out on the sofa from eating too much poop today. No, he didn't. He doesn't eat it now, but he did when he was a puppy. Puppies are the worst poop eaters of all time. Well, anyway, the point is this. I was, I was, don't eat poop. And like this, this meal just cracked me up because it just was so put on. Right. So she gives us some backstory and,

And she's like,

Yeah. I really am attracted to a guy who doesn't need to look cool, and he just, like, he doesn't even spend money on real toothpicks. He just has pretend ones in his mouth while you talk to him. And he's like, yeah, that's me. So the big conversation here is...

We're going to get a real ceremony soon because they had the Vegas wedding or the city hall wedding. And he, listen, this man is not going to spring for your real marble countertop. He is not going to spring for a wedding. This man is cheap. Okay. We know this man is cheap. And sometimes that's a great thing because I'll save your money, you know, and I feel like a lot of times on this show, nobody's saving their money, but this man is going to save that money, but she is going to get that ceremony because now we're

A couple of cast members are doing this. Now she's on reality TV and that's a storyline. She's already going to go for a wedding spinoff. And then Angela Oakley later is like, oh, shouldn't we renew our vows, honey? And he's like, oh, for fuck's sake, no. Oh, I was so sad when she said that. I was like, but I like you two together. I don't want you guys to get divorced.

So the other thing about Brit that we learned is that she used to date Rick Ross, which, you know, that's exciting for her. And then now all the lobster comes out and there was a lot of bragging. I didn't really understand.

Well, Rick Ross was like, I mean, he still is. Well, I guess that's when. I guess that's when you dated Rick Ross, right? Imagine if it was just some guy named Rick Ross. It wasn't the Rick Ross. It was Rick who owned Ross Dress for Less. Now, I would date that motherfucker. Yes. That's a man right there.

So, yeah, she dated him. And then now they're just sort of making small talk at the table because basically Brit is... She's kind of just like gearing up so she can have a scene with her sister-in-law. So she's like talking about how she met Kenya and how Kenya was kind of shady. But like as long as Kenya keeps it cute, everything will be cool, you know?

So eventually, Britt, out of nowhere, in the middle of their nice lobster dinner, is like, hey, she says this to her sister-in-law, Natasha. Hey, do you want to go downstairs so we can talk? So in the middle of dinner, they just go down to the basement. Because she has a champagne room.

Oh, yeah. She's a champagne room. Or what she kind of refers to, like she kind of insinuates is her champagne room. So they go downstairs and, yeah, there's this whole other room because she's trying to do a Shemia now. Like, I have a separate room where we can talk. I'm rich, too. By the way, I have to just say, Rick Ross is still pretty hot. I mean, he's still hot-ish. Rick Ross is hot? I mean, not hot, but he's, I figured Time probably did a number on him, but he still looks the same to me. He has nice furs and gold chains. I'm looking at him right now.

Yeah. He, you know, um, he, there was one time when I was an Uber driver, when I had to pick up someone and I had to like drive them. Like Rick Ross was like in a, he was like in a, like in a, not a van, but he was like in a sprinter van or something or like an SUV. And I had to like bring a musician to his van. Um,

god the confession weird confessions of a trafficker no it wasn't it was it was just like an aspiring musician who was gonna have a meeting with rick ross and like that you picked up from nickelodeon and took over what the hell no no delivery no but there were all sorts of god i'd loved being an uber driver there's just so many random things i think being an uber driver in la is fun because

You get to every now and then you get to like take someone to like a famous person's house, like, or like a randomly famous person's house. Like I once brought someone to Simon Cowell's ex-wife's house. What's her name? Terry or whatever. She's like a correspondent on Extra. And I was like, Ooh, I now know where that lady lives. Yeah.

The power. The power of knowing where that extra correspondent lives in 2014. It's very exciting. Another infinity stone on the meaningless wrist of life. At one time I picked someone up from Avicii's house, RIP, and I was like,

It was like a Swedish guy. And he was just like talking. He's like, yeah, I'm staying with my friend. He's a DJ. He's pretty famous. I was like, oh, really? He's like, yeah, his name's Avicii. Do you know him? I was like, of course I know who Avicii is. And now I can say I picked someone up from Avicii's house and I will use this sometime in about 11 years on a podcast. Yeah. Or as I used to call him, Avicii.

Okay, so here we are. Britt is talking about wanting a ceremony and the sister-in-law is like, he better give you one. He's sure cheap. And then Mike's like, can we eat scallops? I'm not paying for those scallops. I don't want to fucking eat them. Get up there. We need to eat strawberry shortcake. And then we find out a little bit about Britt. And she says, my dad was a huge business professional in the orange industry. No. Did she say that?

Did you say the orange industry? I just heard, I was watching this in an airport. So maybe I heard, I just heard her say that he was a huge professional, but I didn't hear the orange industry. I don't know.

I don't know. But I love, I mean, people do eat oranges a lot still. There is an orange industry. Okay. It's not, it's just, it's called Tropicana, not Tropicanta. Okay. It's a thing. Yeah. And so he worked really hard and he left behind when he passed away, he left the mom a $2 million life insurance policy, but she didn't get it because he was in between jobs. So I guess it didn't transfer from. That's crazy. Yeah.

that's crazy right i mean i get that health insurance is like that but is life insurance like that too that makes no sense by the way that's such a that health insurance is tied to your job and you're stuck to your job forever because you can't get health insurance because health insurance is nine million dollars now and covers nothing health insurance how are we not riding in the street other than the fact that i'm exhausted

okay well yeah i mean there was they got a little violent there in in december so then um then we had only one person well that's pretty violent someone got murdered but like because people are angry people are angry about it calendar after my last doctor bill yeah i'd buy it he'll be on dancing with stars someday

So anyway, the point is that... What a wonderful Paso Doble. God, you really...

really earned this 10. So the point is that they were owed $2 million and I don't know what happened, why they didn't get it. That's absolutely crazy. And of course an insurance company is gonna like screw them out of it. And so then she decided to start her insurance agency because she didn't want this to happen again. So she started to go fund me

when her dad passed away. She didn't want anyone to go through what she went through. And by the way, she's telling this to her sister-in-law as if the sister-in-law has not heard this story about 10 different times. And Natasha's like, mm-hmm, okay, great. Yeah, okay, uh-huh, uh-huh, great. Love to hear this story again. She's like, I come from a hard background, too. My brother won't pay for marble countertops. How easy do you think that is to live down? She's like, I have a lobster tail upstairs. How much longer is this going to be? Because...

Last time I checked, I put some foil over it and it's just not going to be the same. So Britt tells us this kind of weird story about a business. So the dad passed, then she started a GoFundMe and she doesn't want to ever have to go through that again. So she decided to start her own family business. So she starts a family business with her two sisters, but then they got all pissed off when she decided to sell the family business. So...

Was it a family business that you sold out from under them? Or was this a business of yours that you hired them to work at? And then it was your right to sell it because the way she told it, I was like, why be pissed at you too? You can't just sell their business. Yeah. Something there's more of this story. And I love, I love a, I love a stupid family controversy like this. You sold the family insurance company.

So I definitely think there's more than meets the eye. This is like a Danielle Cabral level thing, you know, where Danielle Cabral's like, I don't know what happened. You know, I just was, I made a joke and now my brother won't talk to me anymore. I'm like, we know it was more than a joke. You made a couple of innocent TikToks and finally you got a brother who wants to start some shit with you. Yeah, I feel like there's a larger story to be told. And I'm excited when it finally bleeds into the tabloids.

So Natasha's like, you know, you push family so hard. You know, we shouldn't even be having this conversation. We got to fix that. Also, again, lobster tail upstairs and some nice sides. I'd like to get back to that, please. Yeah. So the husband, Michael, is like, get up here and eat the strawberry shortcake. And he goes, it's even got a little lemon twist. And she goes, not a lemon twist. So I was like, yeah, just please at least pretend you've had catering before. Come on, man. But.

but by the way, there actually is more, some more context to the story. Cause Brit actually says more. She says that, um, she brought her sisters into the business and she said that her older sister felt like she was too tough as

as a boss. So she left and then her middle sister, she got very complacent. So Britt had to fire her sister. There's stories here. I can't wait to hear. Yeah. I want to see these stories too. Okay. So then we go to lunch with Portia and Kelly at a place called Lock and Key, which is interesting because I think Portia has been locked out of her house now like five times. So I would think this would be a triggering restaurant to take her to, but here we are.

There's a joke in here about Ralph in the basement. I just haven't quite articulated it yet.

So, um, Portia is like saying that she's been reframing from drinking. She's like, but I need whatever is strong enough to deal with whatever Kelly's bringing. So I need, I need Henisha to come down and help me with this. Yeah. She actually says I've been reframing from drinking, which it's good to see that Portia is still Portia at the end of it. I'm reframing from drinking. Yeah. Yeah. I got that too. Uh,

So Kelly shows up and she's like, "Well," and it's like the succession music. That's how you know Kelly's coming. It's like the pianos from succession. So she's like, "Well, I'm not drinking today because this is a scene where they're supposed to hate each other." And so she's like, "You know, I don't know this girl at all, but I'm optimistic about seeing a different side to her. You know, I'm not going to be mean to the only person who actually makes fresh carbs."

Kelly is like, yeah, the vibes are definitely off. However, I do have an upcoming event at Balmain, which she says Balmain about 45 times this episode. Like, sorry, got an event coming up later today at Balmain. I feel bad that even Balmain, how do you say it? I mean, I don't know. I'm too poor. I think it is Balmain, but she says Balmain so many times. I feel bad that Balmain has to like,

do this kind of an event because it seems sad, you know, like Balmain doesn't seem like it should have to do this where they're like, we're going to give 10% of 10% of your Balmain to poor people. How about 90%? Okay. Are you that desperate for sales that you're going to like turn this into a fake charity thing? Poor Balmain. They really, it's just funny because it feels like fashion, fashion houses, uh,

Yeah, they shouldn't even care about the rest of us. They should hate us. And so it's like weird that they're like, yeah, we're going to do something that's charitable. We're like, what? Yeah, they're like, we're going to give 10% of this to starving people. Just kidding. We love starving people.

Well, you never know what's going to happen at Beaumont. So basically, Kelly wants Portia to come to her Beaumont event, and so she's going to play nice. So Kelly, we see a flashback that Kelly invited her. She's like, I would love you and your beautiful daughter to come visit this Mommy and Me event at Beaumont. And by the way, you can tell Beaumont Corporate was like, a Mommy and Me event at one of our stores? Yeah.

Someone got fired over this. Someone was fired. Someone was fired. Yeah. Someone got fired. Someone heard like a mommy. You're inviting children to a Balmain on purpose. Get out. I have to say, like, I'm no joke. When she said that there was going to be a mommy and me event and a Balmain, I thought maybe I misheard this. Maybe this is like a place with like a ball pit or something like ball, like ball something. Like I was like, or a pizza place. I was like, man,

surely not a mommy and me event at a Balmain. I didn't know that that was allowed. And it's not like the first rule of fashion, no mommy and me events. I don't know. Am I crazy? I just can't imagine Kelly Katron signing off on such a thing.

No, she'd be like, "Cry outside!" Okay, so they decide, Portia decides she'll make up with her. So she's like, "I mean, I don't understand this energy you're putting off today. I mean, I don't know what to expect." And she's like, "What energy?" She goes, "I mean, I don't know. You just have so many different personalities, you know? I don't know none of them yet." And she goes, "Oh really? I have different personalities?" Like she's trying to do this like

bad bitch attitude and porsche's just laughing at her the whole time which is cracking up of course it's like girl i'm not giving you this you are new you don't get to have like some epic war with me the whole season no go with kenya

Yeah, that's exactly right. And you know, Kelly, you really missed a chance here. Cause when, when she said you have different personalities, Kelly, that was your cue to say, are you saying that I'm waffling between people and personalities? But so Portia's like, you know what? Kelly's a beautiful woman. And like, she has a lot of personality and they all start with L loud, loud, louder, loud, loud. Okay.

And she's like, "Well, I have different personalities and she has different men. So what difference does it make?" Don't slut shame her. She's making a living for Christ's sake. She's had a lot of big houses in the past two years. Okay. She has, but I did laugh when Kelly said that. So Kelly is like, you know, we honestly have so many things in common that we don't know. I mean, I feel like, you know, like we have

We're kids. We're mothers. We have kids. She really likes to say that a lot. She's like, we have so much in common. We have children. So that kind of means, yeah, we're like, you're like a ball to my mom. Yeah.

So Kelly's like, okay, look, I just, I had dinner with Britt and Shamia and I was just trying to figure out what was going on with you. That's all. She goes, uh-uh, that is not what was brought to me. Everything they were saying that y'all said, I was like, that's a lot of stuff, you know? And, you know, to prepare to be judged, you know, from people who don't even know me, who don't even own TV.

And Kelly's like, well, it wasn't. It was just very innocent. And I just said, you know, very innocently, why did she take that woman's husband? I mean, it was just like saying, could I have a refill? It was just, it was so benign. And, you know, then she was like, well, and so Shamia said, that's a question for you to ask her when you see her. So Portia, Portia's like, wait a second. My best friend told you to approach me at her birthday party.

I'm like, I don't think that's what that meant. I think it just meant like, don't put, if you have an issue with her, you ask Portia, don't put me in the middle of it. But Portia takes it as, wait a second. Shamia told you to set me up at a birthday party on our first day of shooting a group event. Well, it's very Portia. Cause she's like, listen, you're not important enough to fight over something stupid, but I will make something up.

I will make a reason up to fight with Shamia because now they're making her the star of my show. And she's supposed to just be my friend. So she's like, I'm going to start shit with Shamia. Why? No reason. Really don't have one. But I'm going to make one right now. We have a reboot. We need to do something. I actually have to say, you know what?

You know, normally I would say, you know, you should always believe your bestie from high school over the newbie who's coming in. But I think this maybe indicates that Porsche is saying, hey, we got to like kick things up here in Atlanta on this show a little bit. So sure, if it means that I have to go fight Shamia, I will do it. I will do it for the show. And I appreciate that can do attitude.

Well, and Shamia gave her a little attitude when she showed up late and got into her scene about the car, like gifting the car. And then Shamia was giving her attitude in the closet behind closed doors where she was like, not cool, Portia, or whatever. So Portia's like, oh, really? This girl thinks she's going to come on and take over my show? Well, I'm going to start a fight with her now.

over telling me because in a normal episode if shamia didn't tell porsche that and this girl came for porsche porsche would be like you knew she was going to do that and you didn't tell me or you didn't tell me that she was you know so porsche is just grasping but i like it yeah i support it i think it's great and porsche's like you know shamia she knows that i'm going through a divorce right now and i just don't see why she would do that i mean why would my friend set me up to be ambushed by toto

So Kelly's like, "Well, we can tell her we cleared the air." She goes, "Whatever, you're a troll." And she's like, "Excuse me?" And she's like, "Yeah, you know, I was just coming to have a good time." And she goes, "Oh no, you like the ping pong with me a little bit. You like it." She goes, "Okay, at least you give energy. I like you." So they decide to be friends.

But she said like, she said like, you're a troll, but you're like, what did she say? Like a glamor troll or a golden troll or something? She like, she like made like a nice troll name for her. Yeah. And then Kelly tried to keep up. She's like, well, can I at least be the pink troll?

So, yeah, she called her a treasure troll. - Oh, treasure troll, that's what it was, yeah. - Yeah. So then we go to Drew in her studio, which cracks me up every single time. She's like, "Guys, hi, hi studio people, it's me, Drew. "God, you might've seen me on a lot of posters on Tubi. "And I've been in Puerto Rico, okay? "I've been in Puerto Rico, "and I just did a whole movie of me screaming. "We shot for a grueling three days."

It was rough. Yeah, it was called The Pass Out, and it was just a lot of work. Oh, God. To be a working actress is a blessing, and now I'm here with you guys. God, I just thank you so much for being patient with me right now. So she goes into the booth, and she's like, ♪ I'm not too good at keeping secrets ♪ ♪ Everybody knows I'm not too good at hiding weakness ♪ ♪ You got me, it shows ♪

Sausage comes in a casement. But you can't see it because you live in a basement. Also, they show her...

We see her singing to track because, you know, she probably hasn't learned the song and can't find a key. So they show, they play, they play the track of her singing and the difference between the on key auto tune track and whatever is coming out of her mouth is it's glaring. It's a glaring difference, but she doesn't notice. So she's really happy. And she's of course invited all the girls to come over and watch her sing and act like she's, you know, doing her first country album.

or whatever. So girls, girls, please, please stop the cameras. Stop the recording. My lovely girlfriends are here. Girlfriends, please. Girls gather around. Hold on, please. If Barbara Streisand calls, tell her I'll reach her later. Okay. Hello, Angela, Cynthia and Kenya, please sit down. Welcome to my studio. Sorry if I sound a little hoarse, as I mentioned before, shooting so many movies right now. Oh, anyway, to be a singer and Cynthia's like, well,

That was a love song. And I know a love song when I hear this. I'm like, yeah, what part of the slow sounding music and her singing lyrics like, can you fall in love for a minute, indicates that it wouldn't be a love song. I know. I love that Cynthia's got her finger on the pulse. Love for a minute. That's a love song.

That's a love song. She's got it. She's got like the magnifying glass from like Carmen Sandiego. She's like, I spy a love song. Yeah. And she's like, well, it's a love song. But for me, it really speaks to me like a falling out of love song. Hence the basement references. And Cynthia's like, well, that must be healing because, you know, it's about your life falling out of love with Ralph. And she's like, yeah, this was really rough. You know, we have a whole song about love.

Having a dinner thrown on top of a dry cleaner. So... Comes from the heart. Soul album. Yeah. I know when everything happened, Kenya was reaching out and I just, I feel the love and support, you know, but I kind of go into a shell. It's just what artists do. And Cynthia's like, same, same. You know, I just threw myself into my career. All the nothing I've been doing since you've seen me last. I've been professionally doing nothing.

And I've just really thrown myself into that nothing since then. I did a TikTok dance and I did ride the escalator at the Beverly Center. But other than that, it's been great. I have cleaned my countertops. So that's been fun.

Spent a lot of time in my kitchen on my career, my countertop career. So fantastic. It really is fantastic. I just want to leave you with that nugget. It's a great, great. So they ask Angela, Angela's there too. So they're like, so have you been married? You know, have you been married before? Like, what did you do after your first divorce? And she's like, oh no, no, this is our first marriage.

And so they asked how she met him and she tells them the elevator story and she goes, but you know, we were neighbors, but trust me, he was a bachelor and I had people at the front desk watching. And she's like, oh yeah, I would go to the doorman and be like, have you seen Charles? Did he get any messages today or hose in his house?

yeah and everyone's like laughing that she did this and everything and so then um drew is like um hey hey vlad sound engineer vlad could you get everyone beverages thank you so much they treat me so well you know they're so good to artists here i feel it's great and kenya's like um isn't isn't dennis supposed to be here where's dennis right now and just like

"You know what? How about champagne? Do you guys want me to pop champagne? We can pop the champagne." I can ignore that question. Yeah, because she even said earlier, she's like, "Well, Dennis is supposed to..." Oh, no, she says later, she's like, "He's supposed to be in the studio today, because we're supposed to be picking my single, but you know, he can't come because Portia just told him he's dead meat if he ever does this on camera with Drew, right?" But yeah, she's trying to avoid it and they're teasing her and Kenny's like, "Uh-uh! I asked you about Dennis!"

And so Angela's like, so the hot dog guy is executive producing albums now? She's like, oh yeah, he is. He's doing great. Let me tell you, he was the biggest support on my trip to Puerto Rico. Huge, huge support. Three days of pure support. Did you guys talk about the situation with Portia? That was crazy. Ha ha ha!

Drew's like, no, didn't talk about it, but we texted. And Drew says that she, that like, she tried to talk. Um, she says that doesn't answer the phone and they don't talk on the phone. And we're like, she goes, we never, ever talk on the phone. And it cuts to her talking on the phone. That must be like, Hey, what's going on? And we don't look, we're not even friends. We are strict. We have a strict business relationship. And it's just a closeup of his contact in her phone, which says Dennis, bro. Yeah.

Yeah. So she's trying to play this down. She's like, "You know, like these girls, they just want to attack me. I mean, it's just always everybody versus me." And Kenny's like, "Don't play victim! A lot of this stuff you brought on yourself, okay? I do love you, but this, you started working with him without speaking directly to her, okay?" And Cynthia's like, "Oh yeah." Oh no, Drew first is like, "No, I texted her January 23rd. I said, 'Hey girl!'

You want to hang out? Then on the 26th, she said she's out of town. Then I reached her 23rd and she hit me back March 8th. So come on, guys. Come on, guys. Who's tried and who hasn't tried? Yeah. Now, yes, admittedly, Drew texted Portia and tried to like set up a one-on-one moment with her. But also you could just text and say, hey, Dennis approached me about working on music together. I wanted to get your blessing because I think it would be really fun. You could just text that.

That's it, because she says they had a date at Nobu, and I don't believe that either. I believe she was like, Portia, do you mind if I work, you know, is it going to be okay with you if I work with Dennis? And she's like, Nobu! And she's like, see, we had a reservation. She totally canceled it. Yeah, she said she had reservations, comma, Nobu. And, you know, she just bailed on dinner. Cynthia's like, Cynthia Bates is like, yeah, you can just pick up the phone and just call her. I mean, it's not that hard. I did it. So, Cynthia's like, you know,

when kenya booked my baby's daddy leon for life rolls on which as we all remember went on for negative three seasons on lifetime television for women and we see uh we see clips of kenya's pilot that she did that one season that was so bad yeah kenya's had a string of crazy businesses on the show i know

Hey, everyone. This is the end of part one of this recap for part two. Keep an eye on your podcast feed. It is coming up in just a moment. Thanks so much for listening. Catch you on the second half. Watch what crappens would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Alison King. Our way is the Amber way. It's the Foster and the Furious. It's Amanda Foster. It's always automatic with Ashley Otto. Ashley Savoni. She don't take no below.

Put your hands together for Carly Clapp. Catherine DiBernardo has our heart-o. Get on the right foot with Chrissy Offutt. Dana C. Dana Do. She's not just a Sheila, she's a Daniela. Itchels! We never miss her call, it's Diane Call. Erin McNicholas, she don't miss no trick-a-less. Jamie, she has no less name-y. You'll never hide from Heidi Eleanor Jones. I go, you go, we all go for Hugo. Hava Nagila Webber.

We could all learn from Jennifer Kearns. She's our kind of mess, it's Jennifer Messer. Sip some scotch with Jessica Trach. Knock, knock, knocking on Katie Mannock's door. She's our favorite streamer, Caroline Peacock. Kristen the Piston Anderson. Get a bee in your bonnet with Lacey Bee. Rigging the funk, it's Leslie Plunkett. She gets an A from us, it's Lindsay Dee. Let's give a kisserino to Lisa Lino. Fresh as a daisy, it's Maisie McHenry. We love her on the rocks, it's Melissa Cox.

Megan Berg. You can't have a burger without the Berg. This is Livin' with Michelle Vivian. I love-a-ya Olivia Williamson. Tastier than Flanderson, it's Rachel Manderson. She sure is swell, it's Raquel. Yes, we can-a, it's Savannah. Cast a spell with Shannon Spellman. Let's share with Sharon Eldridge. The Bay Area Betches.

Betches. And our super premium sponsors. She's the VIP. It's Amanda V. Can't lose when you're with Amy Baldwin. Somebody get us 10 cc's of Betsy MD. She's got a leg up. It's Beth Ani. We're taking the gold with Brenda Silva. Let's get real with Caitlin O'Neil. Don't get salty with Christine Pepper. Can't have a meal without the Emily sides. Who, what, why, where, and Gwen Pentland. It's our queen. It's Queen Penalty.

La Ifa. Nobody holds a candle to Jamie Kendall. Know Your Worth with Jason Kerr. We got our wish. It's Jen Plish. She's not harsh. She's Jill Hirsch. She's a little bit loony. Junie. My favorite Murdo. Karen McMurdo. She gets an A. It's Kelly B.

We love him madly. It's Kyle Pod Shadley. We're ride or die for Lisa Ryder Barron. She's a whiz. It's Liz Sarthy. Always killing it. It's Lola Alcalani. The incredible edible Matthew Sisters. She eases our woes. It's Melissa St. Rose.

Give him hell, Miss Noelle. She's the queen bee. It's Sarah Lemke. Shannon out of a can and Anthony. Let's take off with Tamla Plain. She ain't no shrinking violet cootar. We love you guys.

Dad, how do you make a happy egg? Well, it starts with a happy hen.

Happy egg. Happy crack. Happy flip. Happy poach. Happy whip. Happy hen. Happy egg. Happy sizzle. Happy brunch. Happy hen. Happy egg. And you can make eggs a bazillion ways, but that orange yolk is how you know it's happy. Happy egg.

Have you ever wondered how a circus performer could become the most powerful woman in the Byzantine Empire? Even the Royals is a podcast from Wondery that pulls back the curtain on royal families, from ancient empires to modern monarchs, to show you the darker side of what it means to be royalty. Be

Before she ruled an empire, Theodora was a teen sensation in circus shows, featuring dancing bears, burlesque performers, and blood-soaked chariot races. But when her star came crashing down, she clawed her way from rock bottom to the very top, using everything from comedy to espionage to get there.

Empress Theodora didn't just survive. She revolutionized women's rights across the Byzantine Empire, like changing laws to let women divorce men, own property, and bring abusive men to justice. For all her work in pioneering, she's remembered as the most powerful Byzantine empress in history. Follow Even the Royals on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Even the Royals early and ad-free by joining Wondery Plus.