#2782 RHOA S16E04 Part One: Bank of Trymerica
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Oh, hello, everybody, and welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast for all the crap we love to talk about on Eel Broth. I'm Ronnie, and that's Ben. Hi, Ben. How are you? Oh, I'm just absolutely fabulous. How are you, Ronnie? Good, darling. We just arrived back from...

Back in our homes from Philadelphia and Washington, D.C. What a weekend. Such a great time out there, you guys. Incredible. Thanks so much for coming. So good to talk to you. So great to hear from you. So great to hug you. We are not on the road this coming weekend, but the following weekend, we're back out. We're going to be in... Are you ready? Because this is...

Ready? Well, it's the last. That's not really the last leg. But we're going to be in Boston and then Detroit and then Chicago. Chicago sold out. Sorry. And then we're going to be in two shows in Texas, one in Austin and then in Dallas. That's May 9th and 10th. And then the 15th, we're in Las Vegas. We have got two new show dates. We will confirm them to you once we get them.

But for now, that's where they are. Boston, Detroit, Chicago, Austin, Dallas, Las Vegas. So go over to watch what crappens.com for your ticket links and calendar. And also that's where you'll find links to our Patreon, which is where you find our white load is no recaps as well as videos like Ron right now.

And every day that we're not doing a live show. And then tonight, it's too late for you to hear it now, but tonight we're doing Crappy Hour every other Monday night. It's live on YouTube. And we try to stream it to Instagram too, but YouTube is the most reliable. So go there.

And that's that. I just want to say with Chicago, Chicago, I think is sold out, but they may release more tickets. I'm not sure, but they may. Oh, and just keep, I'm not, that's not an official line, but I just, our experience in the past is that sometimes they will release some things. So just like keep an eye on that. If you wanted to go to Chicago, keep an eye and we'll try to announce if they release if possible. But,

But hopefully we can get some more people in there because we're going to have a great time there. Yeah. As always, use the ticket links from our website because they are the actual ticket links. Don't just search tickets because you'll get step hub or some bullshit. Well, they'll try to charge. Yeah, there's like vivid seats. Yeah. Don't get scammed. Beyonce girl. Okay. We're not Beyonce in you.

Okay, here we are with Real Housewives of Atlanta, season 16, episode 4 of The Vault. On the plane on the way home, I was watching this, and there was a teenage kid sitting next to me, very Lachlan-esque, like string bean, string bean.

string bean kid or whatever he was listening to star wars soundtracks like all of them i mean he listened to a lot of star wars i kept looking at his phone i was like wow and and he was like rocking out he was like beating his fingers to it he's like yeah yeah see you and he was watching my real housewives of atlanta i had the uh captions on so he could watch it

I think this is the first time this man has been exposed to Housewives. He was trying not to laugh, but he watched that whole episode. So I'm proud of Real Housewives of Atlanta. You know, you're reaching out across the aisle to children from Texas who now love you. I was really hoping that I would connect with my flight attendant. I felt like she might watch Real Housewives of Atlanta.

in general and I thought like she might be amused that I was watching Real Housewives of Atlanta so like if she was starting to approach and like Portia was on the screen I'd like pause a little bit because she's the most you know I don't know if she's seen the new episodes yet like she may not recognize Kelly but she'll definitely recognize Portia so I'd be like and I'll press play as she gets really close so she sees like Portia playing on my screen and then she'll like probably bond with and like I

I don't know. I don't know what I expect out of those things. I do it all the time. I expect to become friends with the flight attendants. Just like anything. Like some snack. I'm like, can I get a little snack? And it was a swing and a miss. Like nothing. She wasn't like, oh my god.

god i love porsche i was hoping there'd be like a moment like that nope nothing so no you it looks like you found anything you found your you found your whale yeah i got some laughter uh you know at the screen but i also just like the idea of real housewives of atlanta in this kid's mind playing to the theme you know to themes of star wars galaxy far far away

I know something about Charles Oakley. In a city far, far away. You know. Darth Portia. That's just Candy. Candy's doing the score. Oh.

wait i'm singing for me i actually played on the death star it's like drew that blew up no no i played on it drew you're lying it doesn't exist anymore no i'm pretty sure i just played on the death star well i have to say um it brought me back to a lot of star wars music and all of it had better vocals than drew's song from this episode so

This is a funny ask. What is Drew even doing? Drew will walk into a studio and they'll play one song and she's singing something else. Or she'll talk the lines. She'll be like, and then I pass him by. What are you doing? Can you sing the songs? Can you sing one note out of these songs, please, ma'am?

Um, she in the recording booth, hilarious. The whole episode was hilarious. I am absolutely loving this season so far. I hope people are loving it too. I don't want to be an outlier. I hope that like people are, are, are feeling it. I don't know. I haven't like, uh, taken the temperature of the room just yet. Cause it's only been four episodes, a little early, but I think it's really good so far. And I was cracking up. And the thing that surprised me the most about this episode was that it looks like this was our episode. Um,

leading up to Kenya's big flame out where she does something to Brit that is rumored to be

at worst revenge porn at best just like shady nude shots over the on the internet i don't know what it was but like it we all coming into the season we're like oh ken yeah she just goes too far and yet i found myself at the end of this episode being like fuck brit i was like she's trying so hard one of the most interesting things about this episode is that it's kind of turned people on revenge porn now people are like fuck yeah what's wrong with revenge porn bring back i know

Yeah, I was totally on Kenya's side about this. There's revenge porn. And now they're like, yeah, what's wrong with revenge porn? Who cares? Because this girl is so fucking terrible. And she is terrible. She's so thirsty. She's trying so hard. It's like, congratulations. You're a terrible sister.

And you're a terrible real housewife. We don't know about wife yet because we haven't gotten that far into the show, but it's only episode four and you're already a terrible housewife and a terrible sister. I mean, that's a lot.

How did you get people on Kenya's Kenya slash revenge porn side? How did you do that so quickly and so easily? I wasn't anti-Brit coming into it. I was like, okay, Brit's doing her thing. She's trying to do whatever. But by the end of this episode, I was like, Kenya? You were so thirsty. You were trying it so hard, and you were going up against a legend. And you don't even know. Kenya didn't even...

Like, you're like a mosquito to Kenya. She didn't even bother really coming for you. Because if she really did, she would have railroaded you. But unfortunately, next week, she goes too far, I guess. She's a mosquito with the H1N1 or whatever, because Kenya, it ended up taking Kenya down in the end. Well, we'll see. Yeah, it does. Is that a mosquito virus? No, I don't think so. What's the one that mosquitoes give you? West Nile malaria. Yeah, she's a mosquito with the West Nile virus. There, just as a reminder.

Yeah, we're not going to sell you the name of H1N1. But we'll see. Obviously, next week, the pendulum could swing right back. It probably will. But for right now, I think it's pretty amazing. It's a miracle that you know, and as I get older, I don't believe in miracles as much. Well, that's not your idea. But I'd like to say I don't believe in miracles as much. But I'm team twirl me.

It's been a long time. And you're also making Kenya look reasonable, which has not happened on this show in a very long time where Kenya looks like the reasonable, sane person in an argument. She's like, what are you even fighting about lady? She asked you about a wedding band. Oh no. Oh, killer. Get out of pistol. You're an idiot Brit. Why didn't they fire Brit right away? Like, let's not even wait till that moment in the show. Or should we just wait? Should we just wait till the end?

I'm not even sure what you're asking. And are you saying we as a podcast? Why are they firing Britt for kind of threatening gun violence or whatever? And I say kind of because she didn't technically threaten it, but she did say like, well, I have my pistol. So, I mean, if Kenya's going to get fired for putting some boobies up there, she should get fired for threatening murder.

According to Married to Medicine, it's attempted assault and battery. So if Dr. Gregory had any say, he would come out and sing his solo. That's some bullshit. If he had some say or if he had some song. He and Dr. Scott should really do a duet together. Andy was like, do you guys want to start a band? Of course, Scott was the first one to be like, I'm down. I'm down.

Well, the court of Ben and Ronnie, the Ben Ron court, the 9th District Circuit of Ben Ron court is in recess and will return or adjourn or unadjourn after next week's episode. And then I'm sure we will have – we will then have more –

adjudications to dole out to everyone. But before we break for recess, I will say revenge porn is bad, but threatening gun violence is worse. So team twirl on this one. And I would like to see Kenya continue to pretend she has a beauty shop that's open.

because everything that I've read says that beauty shop is not open ever. So I want to know, is this just a set piece? And she's like, I dropped 400K into it. I'm like, well, you dropped more than that into Mark and you married him. So I don't know what to tell you about it. I'm glad you paid for that house.

Yeah, and then she got fired not long after. Yeah, well, we'll see. I forgot what I was going to say, but you know what? That's okay. You know what? That's okay. Well, it's because you're talking to the ADD master over here. And then, here's what I feel about taxes. No, I don't think people realize. It's not like, oh, we flew in before. Like, I walked in my door. I got off the plane and...

I went and got a sandwich and a coffee, and I ate my sandwich. I walked in the door and sat down, and here we are. Like, I have not even entered – I have not entered the depths. I have not seen my kitchen. I don't even know what's going on in there. There could be ants from the weekend. I don't know. So I'm not saying this to be like, look at me. I'm a martyr, although I am. I am always a martyr. Well, no, that is the Jesus story. Jesus was basically crucified –

because he was talking about Housewives nonstop. They're like, we're going to make you talk about Housewives. He just died for your podcast. But it's more to say that I'm Looney Tunes right now because now I'm fighting the twin impulses of food coma, airplane stuff, but also extreme caffeine. And I'm like, I'm ready. Let's dive in. Let's dive into this because I've got a lot of opinions and I'm just going to let them loose throughout the podcast instead of before the podcast. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay, so let's get going. Here we go. The Vault. The episode's called The Vault. I'm calling this Bank of Trimerica. It's an episode about Carrie Strug, The Vault. Let that sink in. Oh, I was like, hey, didn't she hit that girl in the knees with a bat? That was Carrie Strug. That's Tanya and Nancy. Carrie Strug won a gold medal, much like Tanya

richardson ross former cast member of this show uh by and gymnasts gymnastics remember she did the vault and she like had like a broken leg and she like she like whatever did it in atlanta no less i believe i believe that was the atlanta olympics i'm still bitter that all those olympians get um on cereal boxes i'm like what about bloggers and podcasters where's my cereal box

- It's about time someone said it. And now we've said it. - Care about Carrie Strug. Well, you can jump. Okay, so here we are. We start with Angela Britt walking with a mimosa. Oh no, with mimosa the dog. Oh, and this is another reason I can't with Britt. Let the dog walk. I mean, the dog is stuck in your house all day listening to you complain about granite instead of marble, okay? Because your husband is too cheap to let you get the finishes you want.

And now we have to watch you carry the dog. She has a baby stroller for her dog. The dog's outside. Let it walk around. And then when they sit down, she's like, okay, now you can come sit on my lap, dog. I'm like, oh, my God. Just let the dog live its life.

Yeah. I just, for some reason, it really bothers me that the dog's named Mimosa. I can't explain it. If you told me, if literally anyone in their audience said that they had a dog named Mimosa, I'd be like, oh, that's funny. But for some reason, Britt naming her dog Mimosa, it bothers me.

I think I'm still like feeling the aftershocks of that catered dinner she had last week where she had her assistant dress up in black tie for no reason. And then they serve like the lobster tails. So I think that she has like this thing where she tries to be fancy, but she doesn't quite know how to do it. So she's like, I'm going to name my dog Mimosa. And you're like, uh, okay. Yeah.

Sure. Yeah, she's trying to sound she-she and she sounds kind of trashy, you know? Because mimosas aren't good. And I'm sorry, I don't care what anybody says. Mimosas, and everyone's like, it's the healthy drink for bros, the healthy alcoholic drink. Just pour fucking vodka in your Cocoa Puffs like the rest of us. It's a fancy-ass drink. Yeah, I've definitely gotten out of my vodka. I

I've definitely gone to that place in my life where, like, mimosas are nice, but why not just drink champagne? Which, by the way, sounded very much like it would be a tagline. That's, like, definitely a Heather Dubrow tagline, like, in the works, right? Mimosas are nice, but why not just have champagne? Well, if your name was Champagne, that would work. Yeah. Otherwise, it really has no... It's like... Otherwise, people would... It's just like a strange assessment. It's a strange declaration. It's not so much a tagline as a declaration, and it's like...

But like, I like tourniquets better this season. We're just going to have them take stances on things. But the opening credits, sometimes sunny, but I prefer clouds.

Clouds are great. You know what's even better? Shade. That would be good if someone was like a weather lady. Yeah. Okay, so they're catching up, you know, and Angela's just working so hard because she bought five damn houses to redo at the same time. I love Angela. I love Angela.

I really, I am. I, uh, I have not taken the temperature on this too. I don't know where people stand with Angela, but I love her. I also love that. She has like that bubble voice where it's not like there's a permanent bubble in her, in her throat. And I, I don't have an, I haven't tried my carton of Benson and hedges. Yeah. She's like, Oh, I don't know how to do her voice yet. I haven't tried it yet ever like that. This is, it's just coming out right now, but I,

I just love listening to her talk. She's like, hey, girl. How are you doing? So Britt tells, they talk about how much they love Home Depot. And Britt's like, yeah, Home Depot's such a vibe.

- And then she tells us. - Yeah, I want to know Angela, 'cause you know, I don't have a lot of girlfriends, 'cause females, they don't really love me. Like they love me or they hate me. I'm just, you know, that girl that everybody wants to me. - So we know she's an asshole. I mean, we already knew she was an asshole, but this episode is really the Brit's an asshole in cement. You know, congratulations. You got your asshole on the walk of mimosa. - God, everyone wants to be her. An insurance agent with a dog named Mimosa.

So Angela's like, I really want to be that insurance lady in a denim top. Somebody, please. What do I have to do? So Angela asks how the husband is. And then Britt just starts coughing. She's like, something like flew into my mouth and it's so gross, which was funny. And then Angela's like, I would help if you could breathe through your nose. You might want to have that looked into. I know.

Might I suggest metal straws? I mean, anything. Her nose is literally concaved all the way to the back of her face on this part. They just took out this whole, they took out the whole bridge of her nose and just left a little part with holes in it.

It's just traffic. So Angela's like, let's get out of the wilderness. Let's get out of the wilderness. Sounds nothing like her, but I'm going to have to commit to it for the rest of the episode and I'll come back next week with something else. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappin's commercial.

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So they like sit down and everything. Amber's asking like, how's everything going? How's everything going with your family? And she's like, family is everything. Yeah, and she goes, yeah, family is everything.

And then she's like, yeah, I hate my sister too. She's a bitch too. I fucking hate my family. You hate your family? Yeah. Family's everything. We should have known she was about to talk about some shit going on in her family when she goes, family is everything. You're like, uh-oh, shit's going down. Both of them hate their families and just keep saying family is everything. It's very Real Housewives of New Jersey. Or my family, actually.

My family was like that my whole life. My family was like, my family's everything. And then they fought over money and now they don't speak. They haven't spoken for like 30 years. Good job guys. It turns out Ronnie is actually related to Angela Oakley. He's like, this is my aunt. I had the nerve to ask Charles Oakley to clean a countertop.

Oh, yeah. This made me so happy. This part. So she's like, well, my sister and I, we're not seeing eye to eye on a lot of things. And my mom was in the middle. And here's the thing. You know, as a married woman, we shouldn't include our family, the dynamics in our marriage. But I made that mistake. And then she basically. What? What?

Nothing. Just listening. Laughing. My mother has an opinion. She was brave enough to share that opinion with Charles. And she's like, oh man, not Charles. I'm like, yeah, they had a big argument about cleaning up. Man, Charles really wants those counters clean. Because remember, he almost disowned his own daughter in the first episode. He's like, remember when I came home and the house was dirty? She's like, I cleaned the kitchen, dad. He's like, no, you didn't. Not enough.

don't fuck with charles oakley's countertops clean them off that was my favorite when when i thought like oh damn this is probably a really bad argument and then you find out that it was just about cleaning things i was like this is great and she's like well just imploded and you know even though they've apologized my husband feels like you know what happened yesterday so basically

Mom has a lot of opinions on how things should be done. Charles has a lot of his own opinions on how things should be done. And he holds grudges. That's what that is. Your mom doesn't want to clean the kitchen. Just say it. Your mom doesn't want to clean the kitchen and Charles Oakley is too rich to argue about it. And you're like, "Clean the kitchen or we're not gonna support you." And she's like, "I'm not cleaning the kitchen, I'm the mother." And she's like, "Okay, well, he's not gonna support you now." And she's like, "What the hell? You have five houses!" She's like, "All you had to do was clean the countertops!"

I think it's that, I think the mom, it's not that the mom didn't want to clean. I think the mom weighed in on what the best practice is to clean something. And Charles was like, no, I clean it this way. And the mom was like, well, you really should do it this way. Because that's more of what a mom would do. That's what a mother-in-law would do. Say, oh, you do it that way? Huh. You know, when my meemaw passed away, my mom, one of her greatest angers that it was hard for her to let go of was,

was that my grandma would come into the kitchen after this big long dinner and she would insist on doing dishes. And my mom was like, I don't want you to do dishes. Stop it. Just go relax. Because my meemaw insisted on taking the...

iron pan. What is it? The cast iron pan. The cast iron pan and scrubbing it all the way clean. And my mom would spend like months getting this thing built up with all the shit you have to do on those things. And then she, she's like, no, this is clean. And this is the way it's going to be. I'm not eating out of a dirty pan, Rhonda. I'm not doing it.

And that was one of the things my mom couldn't let go of in the end. It's not crazy. So I get it. That's totally, by the way, that's, that's a totally valid thing to not give up. Like that's a valid, like, Ooh, yeah. Uh, I think I told you that like there was some was buried in a pay less shoe box.

It was not cast iron coffin. It was one of those really cheap Ross Dress for Less stickless pans or whatever. Someone stayed with us recently and they used the cast iron skillet. I was out and they used it and then they let it soak. And I was like...

I was like, first of all, who told you you could use the cast iron skillet? But second of all, you don't let cast iron skillet soak. I came back. It was just like soaking with like suds in it. And I literally, Ooh, I'm getting triggered right now. Just think about it. Get out of my house. Ooh,

So Angela says, you know, and I take care of my family financially and that comes from Charles. So I'm Brithink. Yeah, I get it. You know, sometimes we try to extend our help or like resources and it like backfires. No pun to the gun I bring up later in the episode. This is Chekhov's backfire. I just said backfire so you know someone's going to be threatened to be shot later.

And I'm just like, hello, Buckbler. And Britt's like, well, I also came. So I say, Mike, my sister needs some help. And then my sister, when she's mad, she's like, oh, he's trying to be my daddy. And I'm like, no, my husband's not trying to be your daddy. No one can replace my father. So, yeah, a lot of tension between Britt's sisters and Mike is what we're learning here.

Yeah, and she has a middle sister, Cher, and her older sister is Tiara. What a name of three sisters. Brittany, Cher, and Tiara. Definitely sounds like a girl group. So she does it...

Yeah. So yeah, I'm sorry. Go ahead, Ben. She says the dad was like the focal point for all of them, which makes sense. And he died suddenly because he got a blood clot and they were all surprised. And so Britt says that her sister Cher took it the hardest and their relationship has just never been the same.

Yeah, which we find out later is kind of bogus. So then, not that they didn't take it hard, but that this is the reason that they're not talking. She's like, she died because my dad died of a blood clot. It's like, I think something's missing here. So then now they walk on and they're talking about the party. There's going to be a big party. It's going to be in a bank vault.

And Angela's even going to include Shamia, even though they got off on the wrong foot. So then we see the flashback to them arguing and Shamia being like, oh, whatever. I'm cool with your 90s nose. It's like, whatever, Flava Flav. Yeah.

Which is still great. So then Brittany's like, or Britt's like, she's like, so when do you think she meant by that? And Angel's like, you know, she just felt like I was acting. And I'm like, no, that's just who I am for my friend. Like, you know, I just like, I just like to show up for my friend. You know, Shamia threw her jabs and I threw mine and I'm open to hashing it out and moving forward.

So Brit is hoping that they can, they can, you know, settle it. And Angela's just like, you know, you know, you know that mean energy when you see it. And so of course this now opens the door for Brit to talk about Kenya. Yeah. She's like, um, well, I liked Shamia, but you know, um, you know, Kenya's mean, you know, she was really snooty. And, um,

- She's still mad because Kenya said, "What about your wedding band?" And now she's gonna make it the biggest storyline in the world. You're trying too hard. You're a try hard. You need to like find something else to do. You're exhausting.

Yeah, I mean, if you can't deal with Kenya's light shade, what are you even doing on this show? I think that she's trying to be like, I'm a new generation. I'm going to stand up to these aunties. But she's just coming off like kind of a bratty kid, right? So she's like, Kenya, don't have a problem. All I see in my mind when she's talking like this is like, stop elder abuse. You know, those bumper stickers. I'm like, yeah, stop it. Leave us alone. We've worked hard. We went to war, this generation. Yeah.

We did. So Britt's like, "Kenya does have a persona that could probably ruffle a couple of feathers, but who wouldn't have a preconceived notion with a personality like hers?" So basically she's like, "Yeah, I've watched this show and Kenya thinks she can just be snobby to anybody, but I'm going to take her down." And she kind of did in the end. God, I hate when bad people win. I hate it. I mean, Kenya kind of took herself down because she went too far as usual.

But still, this girl was the impetus. Impetus. Get out of here, impetus. Oh, Bueller. I wasn't saying that to you. Bueller just walked out of his town between his legs. Bueller's like, oh.

So then we go over to Shamia's place and we hear her song playing. It's like, baby, go on, relax, get back, baby. You know I'm gonna handle all of that. Never had, they never had somebody that can relax, relax. Put yourself on this table, you'll get a massage and relax. Put your feet over here, put some oil on that feet, relax. Light a candle and relax. Put on some Yanni and relax.

It's a great song. Yeah, I like a song just telling you to sit down. You know, because I feel like most songs are like, get up, hit the dance floor, everybody dance and put your arms up. I like one that's just like, sit down, you fat bastard. Your feet are swollen, you had too much salt today. Sit down, you fat bastard. You sweat going up the stairs. Snooze eight more minutes.

was just eight more minutes go back to sleep don't dance put up your feet and stay in that chair i like a song just called don't dance so then um shimmy's sister comes to wanna

And this is so us, by the way. I was like, was this produced by Watch What Crappens? Because they go and have this beautiful, they do this whole camera set up by the pool. And Shemia's ready to give America her new song, Don't Dance. Sit down instead, you fat, sweaty bastard. And Tawana's like, I can't wait to hear it. And then it's like, fucking leaf blower.

every single time it is the whole scene and like they're so committed to that like outdoor setup they're like no we are going to continue shooting this we're not going to take it from the top outside we are doing it here she's like i want to show everyone my pool and an entire scene goes by with in the background and then at one point she's like i'm just gonna i'm just gonna door dash some olive oil

Hold on a minute. I'm going to try an Instacart. Because it's so loud. It's so loud. And so Shamia is talking about how music has always been a big part of her life. She started off at a choir and church. And then she sang in a group with Carrie Hilson. And then she was in a group called Co-Ed. And she did all this stuff. And she just loves singing, singing, singing, singing. God, she just loves to sing.

which is all a setup for when later on when Portia is a total asshole to her when she plays her song. This is what this is in retrospect. Music has always been very important to Shamia, but Shamia hasn't always been very important to music is basically what I got from this scene. But I wish her luck with her new solo.

i i really like the remix went like this here sing the song you do it i'll do the remix part

So she's decided she's going to apologize to Angela because it was not nice to go after her terrible physical appearance. And she should be going after her soul, like most people. She wants to be more Death Eater and less like Joan Rivers. So she's going to make this up by door dashing or Instacarting some olive oil and somehow turn this into a prop, which to me is doing a lot of things I really don't like, which is multiple singles.

and olive oil humor just bad props you know what i mean wasting a full bottle of olive oil on a prop because olive oil is expensive okay and it's gonna get more expensive and at the end of this scene tara it's so great and at the end of this scene she's like oh i hate that damn wind that leaf blower maybe i'll buy the house next door too so they can't do that it's like oh

Yeah. Shamia at one point, it is funny though, because Shamia's like, you know, I was a smooth criminal for telling her that she looks like Latoya Jackson. I mean, and now how am I going to moonwalk that back? Am I right? Your nose is mine. Oh, I'm just playing.

So then we got a Porsche and she was, by the way, she, she reached the number of legally acceptable Michael Jackson puns before they actually owed the estate something clearly. They're like, you're going to have to cut it up. That's it. There's blood on this dance floor. Okay. And we're going to clean it up. Hold on. Oh my goodness. Look, here comes my cleaning lady, Diana. Why are you so dirty? Dirty Diana. Am I right? I'm so bad. She has a, she has a,

I'm looking at the Shamia in the mirror. I'm asking her to change her ways. So then we go over to Portia, who's at a WeWork or something, pretending she has a whole building dedicated to Portia's line. Now, I was a little worried because they keep calling her line Pamper. And I was like, that's taken.

Because I was like, who wants to have a line named after Pamper? It's like, come on now. But it's called Pampered. Pampered with Portia. Doesn't Pamper take it? It's got to be Pampered. Pampered should be taken, right? Stomped by Portia.

Sure. Bronnie! His name's after different items. Pampered. Let me see. Pampered, pampered, pampered. Pampered by Portia is the first one. So, you know, Portia's serious. She at least got the first Google search.

it's pretty good what about pampered chef oh pampered by porsche is number two pampered chef comes up first and then pampered by porsche but the next one for me is pampered tails which oh i get pampered auto care and then pampered chef stoneware and then pamper chef pizza stone i still have an image of carrie short on my screen because i looked her up um and it's her looking like

Carrie Strzok is giving an image. She's giving a look at the camera. Like, why are you looking at my picture right now? It's kind of amazing. She's like trying to be polite, but she's also like really, um, fuck off perv.

She is. She's definitely giving like a like, who the fuck do you think you are? She's like, um, hi, I'm trying to move on with my life. I put it up on screen so everyone can see. She's like really upset to be on the podcast right now. It's a little exclusive for craps and demands members. You can see Carrie Strug right now. Oh, yeah. She's like, could somebody straight out of my hair? That would be nice. Thanks. How about less picky picky and more irony? Irony. That'd be great. How about more blowouty blow?

She's like, does Portia have any pampered products for gymnasts? Is there a specific line for that? She's like, I am a top gymnast and I have static cling. So somebody told this episode would be about a vault. And now I'm hearing there's no gymnastics involved. So what am I even doing here? Okay. So we're at Portia's place pampered by pampered by pampers. And she's like, hey, y'all, I just wanted to make sure we can get together, you know?

You know, there's been a big change because I've been focused on anything I could do home, you know? And so that's what we're going to do now. And Johnny's like, you're going to be Martha Stewart from Decatur.

And she's like, our Martha Stewart was run out of prison because she had to come out and go get it, okay? So she basically says that she's been selling sheets for the past few years, which I'd forgotten about. Or I think I knew about it. I think we knew about that. But I'd forgotten about it. Sheets.

You know, sheets is low-key. One of the most popular Real Housewives of Hustles. Don't forget that Countess Luann also had some sheets, the Countess Collection. She also sold, I think, flatware. Which is also what, you know, flatware is also how her singing voice is described. It's also what Brittany asked for when she went in to get a nose.

So Portia is talking about building my empire. And then when she goes, we're building a billion dollar empire here. And it goes, it's,

She got a lot of this scene. The producers kind of hate Portia this year because she's like, you know, her agent's like, so are we talking about ambassadors? Because Drew reached out to me and she wants me to sit down with her and talk to her about doing work for her and Dennis. So I was like, wow, Drew, really? Now you're going to try and come for Portia's agent? Really? Yeah. Yeah. And so of course she doesn't, um,

Portia does not like that. And she's like, yeah, well, we're always looking for ambassadors, but they have to be serious about their content. Sort of implying that Drew is not very good at doing what she's doing, which is not a surprise. So yeah, he says that she reached out with Dennis. And he said, well, you know, he says, Dennis says, well, you're well connected and trusted in the music business. And there's like a lot of things you can do to help us out with Drew's music career. And it was just like random because I was like,

When did Dennis become Quincy Jones? Which is a question I think a lot of us have been asking. Where did he get qualified to do any of this? Aside from a children's album he produced three years ago. Yeah, and she's like, well, as far as Drew, there are some other things that she's not done according to her contract that Go Naked Corporate will handle. And

And she tells us, go naked hair does have a full-blown team. Attorneys, we have admin, we have HR. And then as she says each of these things, the editors keep popping up.

Porsche. H-R. Porsche. A-K-A Porsche. But then they keep spelling the name different. I didn't even notice that the names were spelled differently. I did see that it was Porsche, Porsche, Porsche. But it was definitely giving like... We have a German, a.k.a. Porsche. We have Admin, a.k.a. Porsche. We have H-R. A-K-A Porsche-ia.

It was definitely very Karen Huger in that moment. It was very much like she was acting like this was like a Fortune 500 company. It's all you. Oh, really? You're trying to serve mush today as well? Well, someone's copying me, the original mush seller. Commercials, here comes one right now.

But now we go over to Drew and Ralph. So this is Ralph's first scene of the season because he's been living in the basement. And of course, they they roll that clip again where Drew says, Ralph's been living in the basement. She tells Kenya that they just have that shot going down the stairs into like the darkness. It's a Ralph's domain, which is just it cracks me up every single time. Why is Drew trying to get this shot?

thing out there that she's always outside with her children. Like every time we see her with her children now, she's like, look at us out in the front yard playing ball. Hey, do you have a backyard yard? The front yard is very dangerous to be playing ball in all the time. And why are you always outside? I don't believe Drew's always outside. I don't believe it. And a lot of fake Drew storylines. I will believe that you pay your chef before I believe that your ass is outside throwing a ball for your children.

I think that's fair. Ralph is doing football drills with the kids and they're running and everything. And then Drew tries to be funny and she tries to run as well. And Ralph was like, don't tear no Achilles. And we see footage of Drew tearing her Achilles by doing nothing except running like three feet. So she's saying that Ralph and I are better co-parents than we ever were parents. And

and we see this flashback to the therapy session. Yeah, when there were a couple. And we see a flashback to their therapy session, and I forgot about this line, but this line was amazing, where Ralph was like, oh man, everything's a problem for her, because she's like insatiable. I tried to get her a steak and lobster. She deserves a Lunchable. Yeah.

So he's like, you know, all this stuff that you're telling the magazines and stuff, like, narcissist. She goes, you are a narcissist. He's like, no, I'm not. Do you even know what that means? And then the producer says, do you know what a narcissist is? She goes, you're going to make me look up narcissist? Okay, well...

How do you spell that? By the way, Ralph has shown up for his, we've seen his interview look. He's just wearing, he's wearing a blazer with no shirt. And the producers are like, why are you wearing no shirt? He's like, ah,

he doesn't have any good answer for it, but he's like trying to pull off a look and he's definitely can't do it. We also see that he's been really leaning into his basement life. He did like an MTV cribs for his basement. And it turns out the basement is actually really awesome. There's like a movie theater down there and there's like a whole man cave. So he's happy as a full kitchen. He's fine. I'd live in the basement too. If Drew was upstairs, I'd be like, bye. Could you please take off your heels?

That would be my thing. I would just be on a little radio going, Drew, Drew, Ronnie, Ronnie, please take off your goddamn heels. Okay? And tell your glam team to take off their heels, too. I'm trying to watch Big Business again. Thank you.

Um, so yeah, she's basically, uh, she's saying that he's a narcissist, which seems about right. And, uh, he's like, oh, well, I mean, if that's your experience with me, then that's your experience. But like I did, and I do apologize for that. Ha see, look, guess what? Nurses don't can't apologize. So ha ha. Then we find out that it's part of their divorce decree that they can't talk to the kids about the divorce. So no one's telling the kids anything. They're just like, are you getting divorced? They're like, mm, my lips are sealed. Okay.

Dad's just living in the basement for no reason. Just go throw a ball in the front yard with your mother. Okay. Yeah. So, yeah, they can't talk about it. But someone brought an article to JoJo. And so now they have to kind of like navigate it and they're not really sure what to do.

Yeah. And so she tells him, look, take the kids whenever you want. What the fuck do I care? And he's like, oh, my God, we're a great couple. And they are kind of like they still have their chemistry. I mean, it was terrifying chemistry, but they've still got it. I don't know. Maybe they're pulling a PK and Dorit, you know? Yeah. I mean, Ralph was doing his like trying to charm America thing where he had his big smile out because he has that enormous smile. So he's got the smile and he's being all silly and kind. He's like, I'm just Ralph. Everyone loves Ralph.

So, I don't know. Isn't he just wacky? This is what I call fun sliver. Isn't he just fun? Fun sliver. Sliver, a comedy. The screwball comedy America has fallen in love with, sliver. The fact that Ralph got in trouble for spying on his family with cameras now has an actual screening room in his apartment, which is kind of terrifying. Yeah.

It's like, why is Enigma playing so much? So Kelly... I thought men to wear better underwear.

So Kelly goes over to Kenya Moore Hair Spa. Kenya Moore Hair Spa! And they say hi and everything. And Kenya's really nice to Kelly because Kenya's also smart. She knows she's going to be mean to Britt and she's going to be nice to Kelly. And then Kelly will be like, Britt, you're crazy. Kenya's so nice. It's a great game. And she's chosen Kelly to be her little deputy. And by the way, she also chose Kelly because I think she knows that Kelly...

Kelly is worthy of it because I think Kelly has been great and Kelly is kind of fearless. And she does like, she does like baby shade. Like she does. She's like a good, like baby version of like, she's like Muppet babies version of like real housewives of Atlanta. And I think that I say that in the, in the best possible way, right? Like, cause we love Muppet babies version of Kermit just as much as regular Kermit, but he's just like the Muppet baby babies version. And so I think like Brit is not a Muppet babies version. Brit is just like,

She's a garbage mail version. Yeah. So Kelly's in there and the premise of this is that Kenya still hasn't opened, but I can't wait to open and I want Kelly to be here because she has a waffle restaurant. Which doesn't really make a lot of sense, but she's doing her like sweet Kenya voice like, okay, do you like my hair washing station? Kelly's like, the hair washing station is great. Now, where do you make your waffles? Oh,

we don't do that. Okay, well, you're going to need a waffle iron in here for this pot to be successful. That's my key to business. Might I suggest waffle curls? I'm here. Wow. Sheree walks in. Did somebody say waffle curls? They're just putting their hair through the waffles. Yeah.

That's probably going to become a thing on TikTok. Guys, instead of spending all that money on an unnecessary thing, ditch the flat iron, get a waffle iron. Yeah, if you guys see this happening, I came up with it. Okay, Grandpa Rodney came up with it. The weirdest crimp of all time. Yeah, the waffle crimp.

So Kelly is saying, Kelly's there to give advice, you know, business owner to business owner. And she's like, you know, I'd love to really be able to witness Kelly as an entrepreneur, as a girl boss. I mean, Kenya, as a girl boss, as a business owner. She reminds me a lot of myself, just of course, with 90% less maple syrup, but either way, love her. 100% more working businesses that are open. Yeah.

It's also slightly different. So Kelly's like, oh, I'm wearing one shoe that's a different color than the other shoe. It's a very Sarah Jessica Parker moment. I mean, I know you love Kelly. I think Kelly's a little try hard too, but I think she just needs some time to kind of

working hard you know yeah she's trying hard but i think she just has more upside i think that she has i think that she has something there i think she has more upside too but i mean we're comparing you know right so but i but like yeah this whole like i'm having a sarah jessica moment she's like we also sometimes serve different color waffles at the restaurant just for sarah j um so kenya's like wait a minute

Sometimes we just throw waffles out a window. Let me say, remember the time when waffles used to be fun? She's like sitting in a window riding on a waffle. Remember? I'll never get used to these waffles.

But her pen is a waffle also. I broke my fountain pen again. I couldn't help but wonder. In a city where I'm always waffling, maybe a waffle is what I really need to do when I sit down in a city. I'm like, well, she's young. She's working on it. She's working on her Sarah J. How are you supposed to date in this city when you don't have any holes, but you have so many divots? You know...

That episode's called Just the Tip. Just the Tip. I couldn't help but wonder, was this a waffle? That's it. I couldn't help but wonder, is this a waffle? It's the shortest version of the second one. Is this a waffle? It's like the waffle.

So she, they sit down and Kenya's like, wait a minute. Why do you have a bodyguard? And we see this guy on the sides of a wall at the door. There's a waffle guard. And turns out. Giselle's just outside waiting for her ride. Don't worry. So it turns out that Kelly's ex, she's like, you know, you have an M-A-R-K and I have an M-A-R-K.

Meaning that she also has, her ex is also named Mark and he is a dipshit and he was abusive and he made physical threats in court. I mean, this guy's a real idiot. He threatened to kill her in court. In court. On a court record. My God. Can we get some subtlety with our threats of violence? Yeah.

My God, whatever happened to the poetry of violence? What happened to heavy breathing on a phone? This is really bad. But this is... Sorry. Get ready before you...

Waffles. Welcome back to the news, guys. Am I right? Waffle news. Welcome. This is also why sometimes Kenya just, if you don't know how to take Kenya, this scene could have gone very differently if this was someone else. Because Kenya's like, wait a minute, you're saying Mark? I'm spelling his name because I don't want to say his name. Oh, so Mark? Okay. So you're saying he was abusive? And she goes, well, I've had some situations. And she goes, were there physical threats? And she's like, yeah, I have a restraining order. Do you have proof?

She's like, yeah, I'm like Kenya. I mean, Kenya to a lot of, to a lot of people, I think that could sound like Kenya's kind of questioning the veracity of these statements, but she knows how to take Kenya. And she's like, no, no. Yeah. He threatened me. He fully threatened me in court. And she's like, you know, we were in court and they actually held him in contempt and he threatened to kill me. And she says, unfortunately he can't see the girls right now because of the threats towards me.

And the judge awarded her a restraining order. So that's why she has the bodyguard. It's like, actually, it seems like the first really good use of a bodyguard ever on the house. Cause normally it's like, well, you know what? She, uh, she threw up my burrito. So I've got a bodyguard now in case. Cause I do not stand for that sort of activity with a burrito. I will not have people misbehaving in a wine barn. Yeah.

But yeah, this guy sounds like a real piece of shit. And he sounds awful. It's ridiculous that she has to have a bodyguard. And it's not even a funny bodyguard. It's like normally the bodyguards are usually here for petty reasons. And she has to have a legitimate bodyguard. And that's so fucked up. And this guy sounds like the worst. Worst person ever. Because basically he wants the waffle business. And she started the waffle business when they were married. But she always ran it.

And now he wants in on it because, you know, I guess she brought in the money or something like that. And so he said, if I don't get to have the business, I'm going to close everything. And you wouldn't have anything without me. And Kenny's like, he tried to color purple you. You do right by me. The color waffle. So you already waffled.

already been waffled to me and i am here so um uh she says that um uh yes but i waited to exhale him which is funny and so kelly is basically saying like i really like kenya i don't know what the deal is with kenya and brit because i haven't experienced anything that brit was talking about is this the same person she seems great

So, you know, it's smart. Kenya's shrewd, though, too. Kenya knows how to... Kenya knows when she's about to go into war. She senses it already with Brit. She's going to bring in a newbie, cause a rift, get her allies. Yeah, she knows she needs some newbies on her side. She can't do it just with, you know, the other half of the cast. So she's like, okay. So she's like, well, am I doing the right thing?

Because I put $400,000 into this. This is my daughter's college fund. And Mark is being evicted from his Brooklyn place I read today. So he's not going to be much help. Not that anybody expected him to be. I actually like this moment. Yeah, it was nice. She's like, no, you're doing the right thing. And Kenya's like, tear, tear, tear. She's like, you're doing the right thing. Don't worry about it. All you have to do is open it at some point.

Yeah. Well, I like this because normally the housewives fake this kind of shit. They're like, I'm opening up the most luxurious and wonderful day spa that this city has ever seen. And we are already booked for weeks and weeks and weeks to come. It's like Caroline Brooks, you know, with the toilet falling through her floor. But here she's like, um, I don't have anyone coming in here. And I blew through my daughter's college education money. I am fucked.

And I was like, I kind of liked that she just was like open about it. And she's like, just give me some advice. Question. Will putting up posters of revenge porn bring people in next week? I was thinking that might be a good tactic. Congratulations. You've reached the end of part one of a two part recap for part two. Go look for the recap that says part two. See you over there, suckers.

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