#2788 Denise Richards & Her Wild Things: Sheens From a Marriage
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Hello and welcome to Watch What Crap, it's a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker and joining me today is Charlie Sheen. Just kidding, it's Ronnie Karam. Hi Ronnie, how's it going? Well, hello, how are you?

I'm doing great. We're here to talk about Denise Richards and her wild things. Before we get into that, we are still on tour. And next week, we go to Boston, Detroit, and Chicago in one fell swoop. Tickets are available. Well, the ticket links are available on our website, watchwhatcrappens.com. And then in May, we're going to Austin and Dallas and Las Vegas, which is really cool because we've never done a Vegas show. And I'm so excited to do our very, very, very first Vegas show.

And then we have two other shows that we're going to add to the schedule, but they're not ready yet. So just wait, okay? And also go to Watch What Crappens because you'll find links to Patreon. Patreon.com slash Watch What Crappens where you get access to Crappens on Demand where you can watch us. Hello, everyone. But you can also...

Listen to our bonus episodes. And we are recapping the last two episodes of White Lotus. We already recapped this week's. So check that out if you're a White Lotus fan. And then we've got the big finale coming up this weekend. So we can't wait to talk about that. Now, today, we are getting back into Denise Richards' world. We didn't do it last week because we had a really busy week. But also, last week's episode, really all you missed was...

What's his face? Why am I blanking on his name all of a sudden? Patrick. Sweet babe. Sweet babe. Patrick Muldoon. Patrick Muldoon going through his midlife crisis, which was him doing a guitar song and having Denise Richards be in his video and then reminiscing on all those good times with Patrick. Sweet babe.

Yeah. Hey, honey, are you jealous I'm doing a music video with Sweet Babe? And you're like, yeah, babe, I'm super jealous. You're fucking hot. She's like, yeah, don't worry about it. I like your dick better. I've always liked your dick. You've got the most amazing dick, babe. Fucking Denise. Literally every episode is Denise saying, I remember the first time I saw Aaron, I saw that dick.

It's like she keeps saying it as if she hasn't told us before, and she even does it this episode. It's like, "I saw that dick, and I'm like, 'I want that dick.'" It's "The Dick Stick" with Denise Richards. So this one is "My Dinner with Charlie, Episode 7." And we open with one of her monologues, and she's like, "You know, for Charlie and I, it was a whirlwind romance. After my first date with Charlie,

Nine months later, before we got married, so many people wanted to design my wedding dress. Giorgio Armani flew us to Italy. We went to his villa. It was like a fairy tale. It was like that when I met Erica, when I met, what's his face, my current husband. At midnight, his dick literally turned into a pumpkin. It was huge. It was huge. I wrote it to Armani's house. I didn't even know him at that time.

People don't know this, but we had a Catholic ceremony and we had to do pre-cana classes. And I don't even know how we even passed, but we did. And our relationship, you know, it was easy. We had a very, very easy relationship. But we obviously, it was very different from the divorce. And I remember the first time I was signing those papers and I was like, this is a big pen. And I realized I was just holding Aaron's dick. And I was just moving it on a paper. And I was like, this is a big dick in my hand.

So then we go to Hollywood, the heart of Hollywood, Vine Street, Hollywood and Vine, and they go into Boulevard Steak. Boulevard Steak. Boulevard Steak. You would think it's Boulevard. It's just Boulevard. And so it's their anniversary. They only play it the weekend, though.

It's a decent errand. It's our anniversary. So six years. Can you believe it? He's like, yeah, but we've been together eight. Yeah, well, we don't say that part out loud because the big pharma. Anyway, I know six years married and we got married on TV. Isn't that crazy? And we see a flashback and I can't believe it has already been like at this point, actually seven years since we saw it.

Yeah. Six years. And they're getting married. Of course, they left out the part where Denise was like five hours late to her own wedding and everyone was hot. And then there were helicopters from TMZ flying overhead. And Lisa said, oh my God, I know all of the paparazzi. Hi. Hi, TMZ. Hi. In the same season that she was like, how would I even sell a story? I don't know anybody. What's...

Wasn't the wedding the last time LVP... There was something significant, right? It was the last time LVP was with so-and-so. It was in the same shot with Rinna or... What was it? They were all shocked that she even showed up to the wedding. Yeah, that's what it was. They're like, how dare she? How dare she come to this wedding? She should be scared. Hello, darling. Can we move this along? Ken might not make it through this. Just please move it along.

You know, Lisa Vanderpump was just on the Bravo Hot Mic thing. Did you see? I saw a little clip of it this morning. I saw a little clip as well. Which one did you see? Yeah, we probably saw the same clip where she was like, well, you know, I don't miss Kyle, but I do miss what we had, you know. But, you know, when someone says, oh, you're a liar, you're a liar, you're a liar, you just got to move on from those people. But, you know, I do miss those late night phone calls and helping her navigate things.

tumultuous relationship with her sisters all the time, drama, drama, drama. Every single time I would just answer the phone call, I would be tending to my dying Jiggy and I would say, no, no, let me take the time out for Kyle Richards to talk about how her sister didn't save a stick of

Challenge butter for her and they would be in a fight for six months over it. I would do that because I was so selfless. Yeah, I did like that. You know, Kyle always had something to talk about because of her relationships with her sisters, you know, throwing them under the bus and such. God, those were good times. All those times when she would plot and scheme against her sisters with me late at night, but I apparently armed the schemer. Oh, I miss those days of being gaslit by her in front of the group.

So back to Denise. She's like, hey, honey, do you even remember how we got together? Like, it wasn't even like a first date. He goes, I'm senile right now, babe. Can't remember anything, right? Because we're old. Senile or penile. Fucking hilarious.

You're right. You're right. You know, I was your client, and I'll never forget, I told my sister, I noticed your penis in your pants. And I'll never forget the first thing you noticed, that I had 5G radiation above my left earlobe. Thankfully, you stuck your penis in it, and it fixed it. So...

Whoa, how'd you see it? X-ray vision? I'm telling you, big pharma, you got to be careful. She's like, yeah, well, because of your stupid ass jeans. So she said I should ask him out on a date. And I'm like, I don't want to date him. I just want to fuck him. But I thought it might be inappropriate because I'm a client in your very reputable metal magnet healing business. I'll never forget when you told me. I mean, it was so romantic when you said, one day if you ever get cancer,

Only eat apples. I thought that was just the most professional advice I ever heard. So I fucked you right there on the table. So I was like, you know, I'm always attracted to him. But, you know, seeing with my daughters, God, that made them real fucking hot. Let me tell you. When he showed up going commander with those tight jeans to my daughters when they took them to school, God, what a man. So now we're back to the restaurant. And Aaron's like, wow, time's flying. I mean, I used to have dark hair, and now I'm all white.

Yeah. Did you see what they ordered? She's like, all right. So I'm going to have, okay, a Wagyu meatball. All right. We'll do mac and cheese, a potato, the pasta, spaghetti, the tomahawk. What else do you want, honey? Is penis on the menu? I'm going to order a big fucking penis right now. It's not there. All right. Just bring us 19 entrees. All right. We'll start with that. Wagyu. Wagyu.

So he's like, yeah, my hair is gray. She's like, yeah, well, I can't see. I mean, well, you know, I can see, but it's not as clear as it used to be. I mean, I think it's Mother Nature or in God that does that. I can't read anything. Like, I look at your dick. It is still big, but it's like a big blurry big. You know what I'm saying? It's like someone blurred out an entire sentence on TV. Yeah.

Yeah, I like that. She goes, yeah, I think, you know, Mother Nature does that, right? And he goes, yeah, so you don't have to see me getting old? She goes, yeah. You know, so you're still fucking hot. So that's good. So funny. So then she's telling us, yeah, I think with Aaron, like, we like each other. And that's, there's respect. And there's friendship. And that makes it different from my past relationship. Yeah.

And then all this food comes out, this wide assortment of items. And Denise is like, by the way, you think my Only Pans is going to pan out? There was a pun there. Maybe I should start Only Pans, which is a pun on Only Pans. Hmm.

Yeah, I didn't tell my daughters about the only pants. Sorry. Go ahead, Denise. Go ahead. I was going to make just like when I saw Aaron's penis in his pants, I was like, you should start up an only pants. That's all. It was just a sad pun, but it was entertaining to me at the moment. Yeah.

When I filed for divorce from Charlie, you know, I was moving out of the house. I was six months pregnant with Lola, you know, and then I hear my mom on the phone with him because she's pissed that I took all the sippy, and he was pissed that I took all the sippy cups. I mean, that's where we were at. Can you believe it, honey? Sippy cups. Jesus Christ.

Wait, did he drink out of the sippy cups? I mean, what didn't he drink out of? Put some vodka in the birdbath and go to town. It didn't matter what vessel it was, but the fewer the vessels, the angrier he got. I don't think it really was about the sippy cups. It was about the fact that the family unit was moving. But I did leave a high chair for him, which he did apparently have sex with three hookers on somehow. I don't know how he did it, but God bless. Then somehow snorted it, which is actually crazy. I mean, that man...

She said it wasn't called a high chair for nothing. So good for him. So they also got back together. And he's like, that's not a fort. Why are you saying a fort? That's a good thing, right? And she's like, oh, I mean, well, I always wanted the girls to know I did everything I could to make that work. Dun, dun.

So, you know, we did see a couples therapist that his lawyer found for us. And let me tell you something, their therapist dropped us as clients. It's the second time in her career to ever drop a couple. Kind of like how I wanted Aaron to drop Trow after I saw that outline in his jeans. And she pulled me aside and said, if you stay with him, you're going to need therapy every day for the rest of your life. And I don't want to be that person.

And that was just based on the shit that we were sharing with her. If only she knew some of the other shit. Am I right? Yeah, well, life is short, babe. And you don't need tiger blood to do it. Oh, my God. The poor bastard with that thing. Fucking tiger blood. Jesus Christ. Don't even get me started on that. I love the idea of this poor therapist who after like two sessions was just like, I'm out. I'm not doing this. I'm not taking on Charlie Sheen. That's too crazy. It was like literally too crazy.

we've reached the limits of modern psychology go on out get it out we're done so now we go to townhouse number two and um they're in the kitchen lola and denise are standing at the island hi mom can i eat this and it's just an orange what can you have a little tiny orange yellow like you can eat a tiny orange geez uh hey i'll have one with you all right well i just don't know mom i don't know it's like yeah well you're you're a tiny little orange

And you know what I call Aaron? A big little banana. Anyway, I'll have one too. The banana and the orange, if you know what I'm saying. Mom, stop. Okay, well, your dad wants to go to lunch and Sammy's not going because she doesn't want to. And she apparently doesn't like hanging out with anyone aside from herself. So your dad wants to see you, so you're ready to go. You can have all the oranges you want.

So she's like, you know, the girl has been through a lot with her dad. It's been real up and down. And we cut to Lola and she's like, um, I'm just like so close with my dad right now. I think that is such a blessing. I thank Jesus every day for that. And she's like, I would, I would. And then we cut to Sammy. She's like, I would literally do anything to not go to lunch with my dad. He doesn't deserve this nose. Yeah.

I just really want to have like Taco Tuesday with my dad. Thank you, Jesus, for Taco Tuesday and my dad. Well, no matter what, at the end of the day, you got a big dick for a big dick. And even though you girls are over 18, we'll always be your parents.

So she's like, "Mm-hmm, yeah, Mom." So then she is like, "Charlie should get together with the girls more. It's important to see your kids. And they should see us get together more because it's important for your kids to see that you can get along with their exes." It's why I slept with that lizard for so long. I said, "Listen, I'm willing to do a lot for this family."

I'll do anything for it, you know? She goes, okay, we're going to go to Toscanoba. And she's like, oh, no, Mom. Like, I know everyone there since I used to work there, Mom. Yeah, well, I know, but, you know, they're giving it to us free because I called and I said I'm Lola's mom, you know? So congratulations. You feel like a fucking movie star for once. Oh, I'm going to need therapy after. Oh, honey, you've needed therapy for a long time. There's a lot to unpack there, as Andy Cohen would say.

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so now we go uh now it's the evening and uh denise and uh aaron's like lying in bed shirtless and then she comes in she's like hey wanna take a photo of me and he's like okay and she's like look look

Look, here, before and after. And she has, before and after, her neck looks different. And she's talking about her turkey neck and what she's done with it. Yeah, she has like a strappy thing that she's putting on. And it's supposed, it like freezes her neck. And we see a close-up of it. And it does do it. Whatever it did worked. I want that. What is it? I want that. And they didn't say what it was. I thought it was going to be some product that she was going to be like, yeah, and that's why you've got, you know, I've got my only turkey neck videos coming out.

You know, it's basically guys come on, they fuck my turkey neck. And you know, once I get enough subscribers, I reveal how I get it up so they can't stick their penis in there anymore. Huge deal. Great product. You know, I would for sure lift my neck if I didn't have to do the surgery. I mean, someone's putting you the fuck out and you could be lights out. Like who the fuck wants that? I mean, when your eyes are closed, you can't see all the big dicks in the pants around you.

So she's trying to do it to him. She's like, you know, I would have fucked you even with your neck, even without your neck up. You know, you look really good, Aaron. You still got it. You know, we could do it on your balls, though. He's like, so you're saying I have big droopy balls, babe? She's like, no, I'm just kidding. You don't, baby.

So now we head to Tosca Nova restaurant where Denise, Charlie, and Lola all show up. And this is Charlie's big arrival. This is like Bravo. Bravo's so happy. This is all Bravo wanted. They just wanted Charlie Sheen on camera. So they sit down. And he is--

Like, it's just weird. I don't know. Like, I guess he's like, he's like old now and he's had like some sort of surgery. So it looks like a little different. And his voice is much higher than I remember it being.

Yeah, I don't remember him talking like this. He's like, hey. I don't remember that either. Hey, guys, how are you? It's been a minute, huh? It's been a minute. Good to see you guys. Good to see you guys. And I'd just like to say here, I'm part of the scene research party. Okay, great. You can see me now. That would be great. Hey, guys. It was a little awkward, right? And she goes, hey, I need to take a look at your neck because I want to get mine done. I'm sick of guys trying to fuck. I got enough subscribers now on my turkey, only turkey necks. He's like, okay.

All right, why do we got to highlight my neck? What is this? What is this? Is this what they do on reality TV? I've never been on reality TV. I'm doing this for you, Denise. I'm doing this for you. Is this what we're doing, turkey neck content? Great. Yeah, sure, sure, sure is. Okay, well, it looks good. Okay, it looks like you never would know that you're like 100. You're like, well, that's hilarious. Thanks very much, Denise. It's good to see you, Charles.

Yeah, well, it's good to see you too, Denise. Yeah, good to see you. Any chance that somebody actually applauds my presence is awesome. Yeah, well, I'm applauding you, Charles. So Lola comes. It's like, oh my, oh my God, I'm so embarrassed to be back here. No, I will not get you a glass of water. Oh my God. So she is shown to the table.

No, you'll say what her next thing is, where she's shown to the table and she goes, this is like so nostalgic for me. I was so young when I worked here. I was 17. She's like 19 now. All youth.

So then we see a shift photo when she was working and Charlie came and they're smiling. And he's like, yeah, you remember that day, kid? Ah, that was a good day. I remember I visited Lola at a couple of hookers at the hostess stand waiting for me. She was so young. She was 17. I said, you're almost young enough to get on the streets. Yeah.

And when they posted for a picture, when we posted for a picture, nobody knew I was your dad. I mean, what the hell? What the hell, kid? You know how hard I've worked? Now nobody knows who I am? Come on. Yeah.

Yeah, they thought I was just like a fan. And I was like, thank Jesus for that. So he's like, yeah, well, did you keep it a secret out of shame or just to protect me? She goes, well, I kept it a secret because I didn't want people to treat me any differently. Like, how funny is that? And she says, my relationship with my dad is...

You know, it's definitely improved. We started getting pedicures together like every two or three weeks and that's become our favorite thing to do together. You know, he used to get pink with sparkles on top and it was sort of weird because he'd always have like three prostitutes. So we sort of filled the whole nail salon, but whatever. It was fun. Yeah. Like he made fun of me a couple of times when I got crucifixes on my two pink toes and he said like, where's the third one? One, two, three on the hill. And I was like, well,

You know, I'm the martyr in the middle. You can only have so many toes, Dad. Jeez. We did have like a tense moment at one pedicure because he made a joke. He said, today is like Taco Toes Day. And I was like, please don't make fun of Taco Tuesday. It's a sacred night. He asked me to pray over his Taco Toes Day. And I was like, I don't have a prayer for tacos. I mean, I do have one for like lizards now. I came up with that one. Can I use that one?

So we prayed for Godzilla together, and then he painted Godzilla's face on all ten of his toes. Unfortunately, she almost cut off his small toe because she was crying so hard by the end of the Godzilla prayer, so I guess it worked. It was really moving. It was nice that there was a rabbi there.

"Alright, alright, this is cool. Look at this. Here we are. Just completely comfortable on camera, huh? You know, I've never done a reality show, Denise." And she goes, "Ah, yeah, you know, the housewives thing they wanted you on." He goes, "Well, I never saw that show until about three days ago. I stumbled onto this fight between you and Lisa Rinna. I mean, wow."

Which is great because it gives us an excuse to see once again, you're so angry. Oh, Denise, you're so angry. You're playing dirty. That's what's happening. Oh, I'm playing dirty. You're so angry. You're so angry. You're so angry.

Well, you know, I didn't have the backstory, so I didn't know whose side to pick. I mean, obviously, I picked yours, you know, because you gave me that gift of a high chair back in the day. So that was sweet. Wow. You know, the things I saw on that journey, I'll tell you, no Coke or any else has ever compared to that.

Snorting a high chair. Anyway, what was I saying? You're like, all right, well, I can tell you this much. This lunch is not going to look anything like that. It's not going to look anything like that. All right, so I was thinking this morning, you know, the considerations for what you'd order to eat on a date. All right, what would they be, Lola? And she's like, oh my God, Dad, I've never been on a date, only with the Lord. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I really struggled with finding boyfriends. You know, it's really hard for me to trust someone because I never know if they're just like a fan of my dad. And like one guy who had a crush on me literally had a poster of my dad on his wall. And he was just like a little bit obsessed or a lot. Like, I don't know, like very weird. I definitely don't want to go on another date with Patrick Muldoon. It was just really strange. Yeah.

Yeah, that makes more sense because who the fuck has pictures of Charlie Sheen up in there? Like what young person is like, you know who I love? Charlie Sheen. Like a 17-year-old who's like super into Charlie Sheen. What? Has Charlie Sheen maybe become kind of like one of those actors that young people like, you know, like sort of ironic? Like when Friends was released on Netflix or whatever? Yeah.

I mean, a lot of kids grew up with Two and a Half Men airing, you know, so they knew who he was. And maybe it's like cool and they probably have pictures of him in platoon. 17-year-olds, Dan? Wasn't that still like 100 years ago? Oh, yeah. If you're 17, you were – that's true. Well, if you're 17, you were born in 2008. I think Two and a Half Men was on like through all the 2000s. I feel like it was on for like 40 years. It was never off there. Wow. You know? And so I'm sure there's like –

Maybe they found like hot shots and so he became like a cult character. They were young when he had his big flame out, you know, maybe. Oh, yeah. I don't know. So now they're talking about Charlie and Denise's first date. He's like, yeah, we're from my condo. We were watching a baseball game. So you did like a little dinner? He's like, no, no. I stopped at a liquor store. Okay. That's what I did. So that's it.

That's so romantic. Jesus liked wine. Wow. And crack. There was a little crack there, too. I'm not going to lie. I also stopped in the parking lot. So that was fun. Yeah. I just want to say Two and a Half Men went from 2003 to, I think, 2015. So maybe my theory is not strong because they would have been little kids, like really young during Two and a Half Men's time on the air. So I retract.

So that's just a part of pop culture that I just never let touch me. I was like, "I rebuke you." I was like, "I rebuke you, show." So then Denise is like, "Yeah, you stopped at the liquor store and I brought the food and ice cream. You want to know what we had?" "Oh yeah, that was the best time ever. That was so, so fun." She goes, "Yeah, that is true. It was a very fun time. I had steamed vegetables." She goes, "Of course you did, Mom."

You know, the one thing I will say, and I going through the difficulty we did, is that you knew I always had your back at the end of the day. When I divorced you, you knew I had your back when I left you. And he's like, um. He's like, uh.

She's like, you know, I never was going to say this or that or hold a press conference. You know, I always had your fucking back. And my sippy cups, am I right? She had my back and my sippy cups. So maybe we shouldn't discuss that right now, right? Yeah. Because if you didn't have my back, we wouldn't be able to have moments like this. Wonderful moments like this. Yeah. And then Denise tells us that, you know, like, well, Charlie and I were married for four and a half years.

which is sort of like double his show, two and a half men, kind of. But we had, you know, he'd been sober for about four years, and I never thought someone who would be so committed to sobriety would fall back into it because I'd never really been around him. But then after I got pregnant with Lola, it just started to turn fast. So, yeah, I hope this doesn't damage her. I hope this doesn't give her a complex that it's her fault that he went off the wagon, went Looney Tunes for the rest of his life. But anyway, now I've said it on TV. Yeah, you know, I'm...

It was a big fight. I just packed my belongings, Sammy's belongings. I called their nanny to meet him at the Beverly Hills Hotel. And when the nanny came, I left Sammy with the nanny, filed for divorce on my way to a table read. Not good. I mean, look, I got my kids, I got the nanny, and as I was driving down the street to the hotel, I sort of...

Honked my horn a lot and said, hey, has anyone got a lizard they want to offload on me as long as I'm packing things up? I took a nice long sip from a sippy cup. It felt good. That was a good day. That was a big day in my life. So she goes, yeah, come on, Charlie. I had your back. I had your back. He's like, well, this soup is really good, huh? You should have ordered the soup.

She's like, ha! So then he gets something and it has like carrots in it. And he's like, so is this a carrot or is it squash? Because there's a giant E. coli carrot alert right now. So is this a carrot or some kind of squash? I'd like to get to the bottom of it now. She's like, well, I think it's a sweet. Oh, Lola's like, I think it's a sweet potato, Dad, actually. Sweet potato.

He's like, well, to me, that looks like a fucking carrot. So eat it. Don't be such a puss. Oh, my God. You just can't eat anything anymore. I remember when I was really young, there was like a spinach warning. I was like 18.

It's like a sepia-toned memory. She's like, look at Charlie, worried about germs, okay? Contaminated vegetable. I mean, listen, look at the history of what's gone into his body and the people he surrounded himself with during his divorce. I mean, Jesus Christ. He was blowing a monkey the first time I let him visit the kids. Jeez. He's like, well, I think I've survived much worse than he in the E. coli carrot hole.

And Lola's like, I think this is where Sammy gets her dark humor from. That's where she gets all her E. coli jokes. He's like, well, hopefully. How is she? Is she good? Does she still remember what I look like? She's like, I don't know. She got a new nose. I tried to ask her how she was doing, and she tried to charge me a subscription. I said, you better watch your damn mouth, young lady. All right? Lola's like, I don't know. I mean, she got a spray tan the other day. Ha ha ha ha ha.

A lot going on with Sammy. That killed me. How's your sister? She's good. She got her spray tan. It's like, awesome. That's awesome. So in the confessional, Sammy is sitting with Denise. And she's like, yeah, me and my dad haven't spoken in like a few months. It comes in chunks. Like the first 13 years were really bad, but then they were OK. And now it's just like, I mean, is it a sweet potato or a carrot?

That was, it was so strange that Sammy decided to talk about that while impersonating her sister. Oh, sorry. Sorry. Me and my dad. Okay. Just pretend I was saying it like that.

I think he's mad. Yeah, I'm mad at my dad, but I'm mad at my sister, too. So I will mock her while talking about my dad. Yeah. On my Charlie Sheen Google alert, I read a while back that he got mad that she has an OnlyFans. And that caused big fights, huge fights. I feel like Charlie Sheen has forfeited the right to complain about people embarrassing the family.

Even when he's right. You know what I mean? No one wants to be like, oh my God, my teenage daughter is on OnlyFans. But, you know, yeah, you're right. He's forfeit. He's done. I haven't fucked over my children, so I can say that. But you can't. You're like, Bueller, you will never go on OnlyFans. So Denise is like, you know, my kids have been through a lot with their dad and it hasn't really been perfect with he and Lola or any of his kids. So I hope he does recognize that.

you know, because he's missing out and she's getting, she's getting choked up talking about it. Yeah. Yeah. I was curious to see you since you had your fucking neck done, which is you, your fucking neck again. God damn Charlie, Jesus Christ. And then it cuts to her and she's like, yeah, I wanted to see how it looked, but I think I'm good on getting my neck done. I mean, any chance you can call up Emilio so we can see what his, what's going on with his neck.

He asked if soup of this is a potato or a carrot, and his neck said, is this a fucking... And the carrot said, is that a fucking neck or a fucking playing card? What the fuck is that thing? A shelf? By the way, why was it strange to me? I don't know why, but why was it so strange to me that Charlie Sheen ordered a lentil soup? I just don't see him as someone who orders a lentil soup. His order was odd. He ordered lentil soup and calamari, which I thought both things were odd. Yeah.

I really, you know what I have to say? I don't enjoy a lentil soup. I find them to be a very sad soup. Oh, I love lentil soup. Really? I make it, yeah. I make it every couple of weeks. I eat a lot of lentil soup. I like lentils. It's, you know, one of my favorite Barbra Streisand movies. Chickpea, can you hear me? No, I do like lentils, but I just feel like lentil soup. I don't know. It's like too like bitsy and grainy. Not grainy. It's like little bits.

Like little bits and bobs in my soup. I don't know. A lot of tiny skins. Then again. A lot of tiny skins. Tiny little things. I want my soup to either be a puree or like a chowder. I want it to be chowder. Oh, I'm going to like a lot of shit in my soups.

Yeah. So she doesn't like his neck, basically. But to him, she's like, oh, it looks fucking great. It looks real fucking good. And he goes, yeah, I'd let them do it again if they want to, unless I'm playing a character that lived in a turtleneck. I mean, I don't know. I guess I could do that. Am I right? God, this reality TV thing, right? I'm killing it. Am I killing it? God. His neck.

his turtleneck bit is great. So, she's like, yeah, it looks good, it looks good. And then Charlie's like, well, see, this is not a, this is not a date meal. And he points to Denise's pizza because I guess it's a reference to his Westwood apartment date. She's like, yeah, well, it's because I had two pieces of the pizza. He's like, okay, two. You're going to take this with it? She's like, sure. Yeah,

You know what's funny? Like, I could never picture you guys being married. What? How can you not picture it? I mean, what mother is not like, hey, I fucking had your back during the crack cocaine and hooker stories. You know what I mean?

It's like regular family night over here. Sometimes I think about if you were still married and if we all lived in the same house, what that would be like. Yeah. Yeah. So here's what you can do. Imagine 10 prostitutes walking in. Like Thanksgiving? Yeah. Except it's all the time. Yeah.

Imagine him trying to give you your breakfast out of a wine bottle. It's because you stole my sippy cups. I mean, why are we still bringing that up? Jesus Christ. And then he's...

Then Charlie starts sifting through more carrots. And he's like, wow, I'm really hitting the jackpot with this place. By the way, I love that they're just, Bravo's so excited that Charlie Sheen is on camera that literally nothing has happened. We're watching him sifting through carrots right now. Denise is like, yeah, I'm mad. You know, I'm glad we did this. Not mad, I'm glad. And we should do this more often. Get together, put carrots in front of Charlie, watch him freak out. God, it's hilarious.

You're superstar Charlie Sheen. You're a superstar too, Mom. Jesus, you guys are both superstars. I'm scared of being famous. Like, what would people say about me? Well, do what I do. Just don't read anything. Because if you don't read it, it doesn't exist. Yeah, you know, it's funny he's giving her that advice because, God, he would tweet me things that were disgusting. I mean, I became a shell of myself after his tweets. Jesus.

It's, I mean, it is so funny how Denise really is, like, she holds so much compassion for people because I would never talk to this man again. And she talks about how he was slamming her in the tabloids and this and that. I mean, we see one, it's like the worst mother of all time. What a shitty mother. Yeah. Yeah.

Was this like what, around 2005 or so, 2004, 2005? I don't remember when it was. I don't remember years. I find it better to just not remember years. And then we see some stuff on the screen and Denise is talking about like, you know, like he was slamming her. Meanwhile, she was not doing that back to him. He was spiraling and she was raising her own kids and plus took in his sons from Brooke because both parents were unstable. Brooke had to go to substance abuse treatment.

And so she was raising Brooke's children and her own children at the same time. And he's going off on her on Twitter and stuff, which is so shitty and also still shitty of Brooke. When Brooke just came out this week and had an article like, "Denise doesn't pay me shit to do a show. I've never seen a paycheck from that show. And now she won't even call me back." I think Denise has done enough for you for you to be able to shut your fucking mouth, Brooke.

okay yeah i agree i i agree so now charlie is like you know brad pitt said something so smart he said if i look good in a picture i'll take it but he would never read the story attached because he knew exactly what what it was going to be man i am such a fan never met the man and lola's like i met him and they're like what and she's like yeah i know he used to cook you breakfast i'm so jealous like yeah yeah i used to be friends with his kids because we used to go to beach camp

So we would just have sleepover and probably make breakfast in the morning. It figures that Charlie would be a fan of fucking that guy. I mean, have you read any stories about him and his child rearing lately? Good God. He's like, God, I really respect that guy. What a dad. Yeah. What a dad. He's so good. Am I right?

Yeah, it's just funny because I never knew my dad was such a big fan. Denise is like, well, I wish Brad Pitt would make me breakfast. I'd like to see his jeans if you know what I'm talking about. One time I woke up and I thought, oh my God, that's Brad Pitt. But I just couldn't see where it very well. It was Aaron's dick. It was Aaron's dick. It was just a dick. I was like, you're so good and the river went through it. And he was like, honey, it's my dick. I said, I loved you in 12 Monkeys. But then I realized it was just 12 inches, if you know what I'm saying. Yeah.

That's so funny. Like, I never knew my dad was such a big fan of Brad Pitt. Oh, you know what? I think that's just it. So thank you for this. The reality TV experiment has passed. I'm great at it. And let's do this again. Maybe next time you could just take me to an actual farm and have me eat cow shit and I could walk away with E. coli instead of trying to trick me through carrots. That would be great.

And they leave unseen. And that is the episode. So, yeah, fun times. Next week is the season finale. Thanks, everyone, for being here for another light and frothy Denise Richards and her wild things recap. And we'll be back with more recaps throughout the week. Go to WatchCrapIs.com to get your tickets and to join our Patreon. Bye, everyone. Bye. Bye.

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