Shownotes Transcript
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Well, hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens, the podcast for all the crap we love to talk about on YouBrovs. I'm Ronnie. That's Ben over there. Hi, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. How's it going? Oh, good. Ben's in his childhood home. You can see there's a bonnet on the air conditioner and...
Some old empty sky vodka bottles over on a shelf. Yeah, all the good stuff is here.
Back here, I came home. We had an absolutely amazing weekend at Boston, Detroit, and Chicago. And so thanks to everyone who came out to those shows. They were all so good. A weekend like that is really rigorous. And honestly, you guys show up and are just ready to party and have fun. That's what we need to get through those. And it was amazing.
And then I came, I just, you know, I continued venturing east and I came back to, you know, Katona for some Passover action last night. Even though technically Passover started during our Chicago show, I started it in earnest last night. So it was good times, good times. And hence, I'm in my childhood bedroom.
Your little baby bedroom. Well, welcome back, everybody. Well, welcome back to us. But welcome back to you guys, too. We have a couple more, a few more live shows coming up. We've got two in Texas, Austin and Dallas coming in May. And we're also going to be in Vegas. So what do you think about that? You guys should come. It's going to be fun. We're going to announce two more, but we don't have for sure dates yet. So hold off.
for that for just check our soc or as you know we talk about it here all the time but check out our instagram that's the best place or uh watch what crappens.com where you get ticket links and all that good stuff it's also where you find links to our patreon we did a two-parter white lotus season finale recap that's up now and we'll be back next week with something spicy we don't know yet on patreon but we'll be doing something and now real housewives of atlanta
Although tonight we have crappy hour, by the way. So there's been a lot of Bravo gossip over the weekend. So there's a lot to discuss. So tune in tonight at 530 Pacific, 830 Eastern. YouTube. Do it. Yeah. Do it. YouTube live. Yeah. The 305 bit. Okay. So here we are with Real Housewives of Atlanta, season 16, episode six, Peace Interrupted. Okay. Before we even start, I'm so sorry you're all getting divorced. I
I don't need this to be a supersized episode to listen to you talk about divorce in every scene. It's every scene. It is every scene until the tea party. Enough. Enough with your divorce. I'm sick of it. Yeah. I didn't know why this needed to be a supersized episode. I mean, you know, I mean, this inevitably happens. You're having a really good season. Things are fun. And so what happened with Brit was pretty serious. So then Atlanta's like, you know what? We're going to stop and have serious moments with everyone. And like, okay.
I don't need that many serious moments. Okay, we get it. Too much.
It was literally Britt crying, which, okay. Britt deserves a scene crying. I'm not going to complain about that. So she's crying and talking about the effects. And then it's Porsche's divorce. And then it's Kelly's divorce. And then it's Britt's crying. And then it's Porsche's divorce. And then it's Kelly's divorce. And then it's Britt crying. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew.
Here's what I need. Tiny bit of divorce because I care what's going on with them. It's not that I don't want it at all. You don't have to pretend it's not happening. But like one scene, the tea party. The end.
Yeah, it was a long episode. I was like, why are we supersizing this right now? Okay, let's have like, why can't we have more of Angela? By the way, now that I am here in my childhood home, I am staring directly at my Knicks memorabilia from high school. So for those who question whether or not I knew who Charles Oakley was, I can...
I can pull something off the wall. Let me pull something. I was going to say, you're going to prove it by staring at something off the camera. You need to show that on the camera, sir. Nobody's going to believe you. Pulling something off the wall that I haven't pulled off the wall in literally 30 years. It's just been there. This right here.
and this is Crabs on Demand. This is a ticket to the Knicks. Whoa, it's the Knicks versus the Bulls. This was 1994. It said... Does it have the date on here? Well, this was Game 7 of...
of the Eastern Conference semifinals, home game four, where the Knicks beat the Bulls to advance forward in the playoffs. And they hadn't been able to do that the past years because Michael Jordan was always there. But this is the year that Michael Jordan wasn't playing. So the Knicks finally got to go forward. And it was so exciting. I remember Alec Baldwin was there and Madonna was there. And it was the most electrifying thing. And the crazy thing is looking at this ticket,
And Charles Oakley was there, I should mention. That's the whole point of the story. It's your poster for Mounting Hysteria Tour. Are you seeing that? Oh my god. From here, it looks like the poster you made for our tour. Oh my god. It all makes sense. It's the origin story. Yeah.
But you know what's wild about this? This was a basketball game, a playoff game. It was a game seven. It was a very publicized game. The ticket cost $100. That's wild. 1994 tickets, everyone. There it is. So...
And part of the thumbtack stayed in the wall, and part of it stayed out. So now I've got to figure out what to do with this. Great. This is what I do. This is the thanks I get. All right. Do that later. Let's put this back up. Yeah. No, no. Do that later. Okay. So we open with the reactions of Shima from Shamiya.
Shamia, what did you think of last night? And she's like, I felt my heart and my stomach. I'd never witnessed anything so low, which I agree with. But I guess since this has happened, you know, we've been hearing about it since way before it happened, since it actually happened. It's been going on social media. Then it happened. And the war is on social media. I have.
Rage porn. What do you call it? Revenge porn exhaustion. I'm exhausted with rage porn. I almost feel like just putting out any picture of my wiener that I've ever taken and just putting it on my Instagram. So nobody has anything against me and I don't have anything to cry about in the future.
I think that's actually where things are going. I honestly really believe that. The truth is I've only taken one picture of my wiener. Well, I had one photo session with it many years ago and I kept trying it and I just couldn't listen. I couldn't get a good shot for my fupa. So I don't have any wiener pictures. I deleted them all and have never taken another. I have wiener picture shyness.
Listen, I think this is why all the kids are on OnlyFans because at this point they know their nudes are going to get leaked anyway. So might as well make some money off of it and this way like get ahead of the story, you know? And I kind of think this is that is going to be the future. People are just going to say, whatever. Here's a nude of me. You can't shame me. And this way I don't have to be embarrassed if something leaks because I'm already getting comfortable with it right now.
So, you know, God bless. God bless. So, Shamia's, you know, upset, and then we see clips of everybody and Portia saying it's disgusting. We see clips of the actual day and Kenya being like, who is this girl? Britt Eady is her name. Is this the same girl? Listen, you can't shame somebody with the same last name as a decent ice cream. That's what I say.
Or one half of a lounge duo. Okay. So Kelly said... Or the next door neighbor from that show about the little robot girl. I think actually Edie was...
Yeah, the actress. Yes, absolutely. Yes. She's wonderful. And she did great work on the Hogan's family too. Let's not forget. So then Cynthia is like, I've seen a lot in this group. And Kenya's situation really hit differently for me because...
I just hold her to a higher standard for no good reason. Because there's no reason why Kenya should be held to a higher standard. Except that we've developed this. Especially if you know Kenya. If Cynthia knows Kenya, why would you hold Kenya to a higher standard? No. This is Kenya standard. Okay. Yeah. So...
Portia is triggered, you know, and then we see on the screen 48 hours later. So now we're at Britt's house and she's looking at the phone, reading all the stories. And, you know, she's mourning like most of us would by putting bows in her dog's hair. You know, if I have to be miserable, Bueller Bueller's going to be miserable, too.
I'm like putting tracks in Bueller's hair. I'm like, I'm so upset. My FUPA picture came back. Mimosa's just feeding shit to the blogs. That way she can get a glow up for the day. The only way I get my hair combed around here. Make Ma feel sad.
So she says, I have not slept in like 24 hours and I have like all of Kenya's minions and like my friends and my colleagues and my business partners DMing me. I'm getting texts. It's just like she doesn't even realize the damage she has caused.
Yeah, and she's in shock. And her husband is trying to be supportive, but it's her husband. So he's sitting kind of on the opposite side of the quarter sectional thing. And he's just looking at her. And she's like, but I'm so sad, babe. This is ridiculous. And I spent $250 on flowers. $250! $250!
I don't want a housewife show where someone rags about spending $250. But you know what? I'll give this to you because it's your scene. He's just kind of staring at her like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And she's like, I'm opening for a salon. He's like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. She has a daughter. And he's like, yeah, that's fucked up. And there was camera crews there. He's like, yeah, that's fucked up too. Okay, I guess I'm going to have to hug her. So he kind of gets up and he does this thing where he just stands over her and then bends down and hugs her and then goes back to sit on the opposite. He's like, that's all you got.
He's like deeply and obviously eager to get back to watching whatever he was watching on ESPN before the scene started. He's like, okay, how many times do I have to hug her before I can safely say, hey, babe, go back to SportsCenter right now. So I can't believe it took me so long to watch Vikings. I just didn't believe it had it in it. But God, it's good.
So she's telling us that she had two incidents in her life that she wasn't the most proud of. She let her boyfriend film her giving oral as a teenager. And then in her early 20s, she tried webcam and she's like, well, you know, I've made mistakes and everything. Although I don't know. I don't.
That's still on her boyfriend. If he filmed her doing oral and he released that, that's on the boyfriend more than on her. And so Britt says... And also she was in her teens, which is like, well, when was... Because these pictures were supposedly of the blowjob, right? Because they said that she was giving flash. So was this child... That's the big argument on the internet right now. Was this child porn? Because...
Portia, Kenya has her own YouTube channel now, right? And she has some bad AI and she has an extra finger in one of the pictures, which is awkward. And then Portia started her own YouTube as well. So everyone's got a YouTube. So Kenya went off on her YouTube and then Portia commented on hers, something along the lines of, I've supported you. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm not your enemy, but you released basically everything.
teenage pictures of somebody underage pictures of somebody don't blame me and so people are like what she released child porn so now it's taken on that you know
It's taken that turn. So now people are like, wait, now Kenya's released child porn? And then, you know, this week she says she was a teenager when that video was taken. So was it? Like, was she 17, 18? Was she younger? She got two years where it's legal. Two years. She got two years, but there's an 80% chance.
I mean, realistically, it's not 80%. It's probably, yeah. Who knows? But it's a mess. And this is a good example for why you shouldn't put pictures of people giving blowjobs on foam core at your salon opening in an effort to sort of like...
have a petty moment, it's just not going to work out well. It's going to backfire in many ways. So, Britt's just saying no one should go through what she's going through. And then the doorbell rings and Mike is so happy because he can finally be off duty. And it's Kelly. Kelly shows up and they say hi and everything and they're hugging. And Kelly is saying that she always wants friends to show up for her the way
like how she should show up for them or whatever. She's basically like, I'm just going to, I'm going to show up and be a good friend. So she brought some food, which shockingly she did not bring waffles. How does this is the, your big moment to show that waffles are important in a moment of like, of, of, of crisis. And as, as a solve for the wound, for the wounds, like it's going to be the bomb. Right. And instead she goes up, comes up with like potato salad. I was like, Kelly, come on.
You know, so she and also I guess they're not friends anymore because Kelly or what's her buns? Britt went on. Watch what happens live last night and said that Kelly's waffles are five out of ten and that they're soggy. So, wow. This whole time I was like, you know, look, here's here's what my my honest opinion is. This was really cold and low of Kenya. Nobody deserves it. Not even Britt.
That said, Britt's annoying as fuck still. None of this changes the fact that Britt's annoying. And she's going to erase this goodwill by the end of the episode. Let's watch. Yeah, 100%. Like, this is the scene where we will be, like, understanding and sympathetic towards her. But, yeah. You threatened someone with a gun. Let's not forget. She was super annoying before this. You started it. Okay. And you went too low, but you still started it. So, like, let's not. You're not an angel, madame.
Yeah. And also you were annoying. You were annoying to watch before and you will most likely be annoying to watch going forward. But for right now, we give you grace, but not waffles.
So the doorbell rings again. Yeah. Kelly is bringing over an IV specialist, which is really the smartest thing to do in a town that's full of reality stars because they're all thirsty. Literally, everybody here is dehydrated. Get some IVs. You know, Toya had the best business idea on Married to Medicine way back in the day before everybody was doing the IV thing. She was like, we need an IV van. We did an IV van, Ujid. And he was like, no. Nomad MD. And now look, IVs everywhere. IVs.
Ivy everywhere. Well, I mean, let's be honest. Nomad MD. The truth is that it probably would have worked out, but why do I have a feeling that Toya probably spent all of Nomad MD's budget on tennis rackets or something? He's a nomad. He never listens to her. Because do you remember when she said, you know what we need? We need to start doing Botox.
For people. And he's like, no, that's a stupid idea. I mean, toy is not the brightest bulb on the tree, but she could have made them tons of money with her ideas. Like she's had a couple of bangers that Eugene's like stupid. That idea sucks. And now people are getting Botox in the fucking HGB line at the grocery store. You know, give it to me, give it to me wherever I can fucking get it. Okay.
She's probably like, hey, we should start doing some agglutines. He's like, no, that's stupid. Listen to Toya occasionally. Don't listen to Toya about anything unless it comes to how she can make more money. Because she's got good ideas there. Put her on Shark Tank. I'd love to see that. I'll see what else will be. So, Kelly, yeah, so they bring in an IV specialist. Not that Britt got drunk last night or anything. But just to have, I guess, to...
inject the good things and take out the bad things. It doesn't really make sense. I feel like this was someone who was hired for a totally different occasion and they were like, well, we already spent our Groupon on her, so let's bring her over anyway. She says that they're going to hydrate her and give her all of her bad bitch minerals.
So, there you go. If you need a specific reason, it's to get bad bitch minerals, okay? And Kelly does that thing when she comes in where she's just still talking like she's in the stage play of the Housewives instead of just the Housewives. She's like, "Good to see you! I got an IV person! I brought some food here! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I'm so fine!" Like, "Oh my god, someone tell her to... You have a mic on, I can hear you, okay?" Yeah.
So, Kelly's like, you know what's funny? Is that Kenya was nothing like that with me. Me and her had such a good conversation. I'm sure this is exactly what Britt wants to hear. I mean, Kelly's right. Kenya was much nicer to her. But I think when you've been, I don't know, the target, the victim of a revenge porn moment...
The last thing you want to hear is someone say, it's so funny because she's so nice to me. Anyway, sorry about the revenge porn. It's also very, I'm a new housewife to say that because obviously Kenya was buttering her up to be on her side after she pulled this shit on Brit, who she knew that was her friend. Right. So Kenya called her over to the salon like, oh my God, I really look up to your waffle empire so that she would have Brit's best friend on her side. And it worked. Noob.
So, Kelly's like, "You know, I just don't get it because salons are to uplift us and to do it at a salon. A salon!" Yeah, that is one of the most empowering places. And it's like, there's definitely no gossip that happens at a salon that definitely drags people down.
And so they're just talking about like, are you serious that this would happen? And she goes, you know, and when she said throw away the flowers and she did this whole thing, like throw away the flowers. And I was like, oh my God, this is too much. And then she was like, stay out of it. And then we see the flashback and it's like, stay out of it.
I like that embellishment on the story. But, Kenny, I'm still in the wrong here, but still. So, then Kelly's like, you know, this hoe is really crazy. And the next thing I know, once that second poster came up, I'm like, I'm getting the fuck out of here, because I'm not saying for this bullshit. How distasteless can you be? Now, how tasteless can you be and then not have any of it? Right? Distasteless? Yeah.
I get like messing up words. I do it all the time. But like you're a chef, like you're a cook. You should know tasteless. Like, how do you how do you bring down the other waffle people? You know what I mean? You should know tasteless.
So Brit's like, oh yeah, she wanted me to be there. She wanted me to. She wanted to get a rise out of me. She's been picking at me since the moment I met her. And you've been picking at her too. This is why I just can't with... It's still hard for me to watch a Brit victim storyline, even though she is the victim. She doesn't take responsibility for her own stuff, which wipes away my...
compassion well this is why we're so annoyed at kenya also because really brit was the the worst party in this situation because kenya had one shady moment and then brit has been like yapping away all this time like why won't you be nice to me why won't you talk to me that's not a hug you're like shut up and so now kenya kenya fully had just like the winning side in this whole situation and she just screwed it up by doing this like heinous act
And now Britt gets to say, like, oh, she's been coming for me this whole time. It's like, no, she really hasn't. You've just been like a bee in her bonnet. And she finally decided to swat it down. Unfortunately, she used a bazooka instead of a fly swatter. And now, you know, she blew herself up. Yeah. So now this is the next thing. You know, she's like, let's have fun now. Prick Britt. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappin's commercial.
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So then we go to Sterling Hall and Jason, the private chef is over there and he's doing a bass. What did he say? I don't see what it is. He said something like I'm doing like a sea bass hollandaise or something that sounded cray cray, but I'll try it.
Yeah. I could sense that somewhere Charles Oakley was jealous about the sheer amount of food that was being served. Charles is like, I got to up my game. Next time. I'll tell you what Charles Oakley was thinking. That is not enough food. How many people are they trying to serve?
Those counters are messy. So Kelly shows up. She's doing all her rounds today. And Shamia is saying that after Kenya's grand opening, I feel like it's really important for all of us to get on one accord with
So they're all going to climb onto a Honda. So they mean it's a big thing in every episode. Now I'm going to bring peace to this situation. I am Lou. I'm the glue. I'm the peacemaker. And her mom is there too. And her name is Mama Morton, which I love because that is who candy played in Chicago.
If you got a problem, I'm the one to talk to. When you're good to mama, mama's good to you.
Great character. So I like just thinking Mama Morton was in this. It's fun to think that it's just like a local prison warden has just showed up to sing some songs. You have to do some favors for her in order to get access to Shamia's elevator. So basically, this is the scene where now the women gather around and talk about what Kenya did. So we have Britt's reaction, and now the whole cast has to react.
Yes. So that's what we do. Portia and Angela come over and Angela, poor thing, is still in, what do you call that? Menopause, not heat. I was going to say heat because when you're, you know, you have heat when you're in menopause, but you're not in heat. That's different. Okay. She's in menopause. And so she's always got her fan everywhere, which I love. So Portia's like, even in the house. She's like, even in the house.
So they... He's like, let's make it clear. Contrary to what people think about with bird brains, I am not perimenopausal. I'm just the hottest bitch in the room. And it's hard to be a bad bitch in the room. Yeah, you're perimenopausal. It's okay. We like it. We support it. And I love a good accessory.
So Shamia's like, welcomes them all in and everything. And they're just like sort of making small talk. And Portia's like, I was in complete shock. I've seen Kenya act out before. And like, I would say it's like something I've never seen her do in an event. And that was Kenya's choice to twirl on down to hell. Yeah.
And swirling down to hell. Yeah, and they all agree. Kelly goes on a whole monologue about it, like how it's so wrong in a salon to do this. And she's like, that was just too premeditated for me. And so, Portia, would you let it go? And Portia's like, I mean, with what? My porn? I'm not answering that. Why are you asking me? She's like, why are you talking about my porn on phones? No, I'm not answering that.
And I don't know why she's afraid to go on the record with the girls saying, yeah, I would be done with her. Because then she tells us two seconds later, yeah, I would 100% be done. She's like, no, I'm going to tell you my true thoughts. I'd be done. I was like, I don't know why that was hard to say. Because Kelly did bring up a good point, which was, of course, it was a terrible thing that happened.
But really something that makes it worse was that it was so premeditated. It was something that was like planned out and was thought. And she had so many exit ramps to get off this highway where she could have thought to herself, you know what, this is shitty. Like she could have had a moment and she just still didn't. And she still went through with it. It is really shitty of Kenya. Like a bad idea is one thing, but a bad science fair project, nobody wants to sit through that. We're already mad we have to be at the science fair, you know? Yeah.
Yeah, exactly. A volcano. Another volcano. Memories of my fifth grade mirror maze that I made where I shone a flashlight through one end and the light bounced around and came out the other end. I was like, look. I did the volcano. I was such a hack. That's still one of my biggest things that I'm ashamed of is making a fucking volcano in science fair. I don't even think I did it right. I think it failed. So, um...
They're asking Portia, you know, oh, and then Angela changes it. So she's like, well, I wanted to ask you, Portia, I wanted to ask you at the bank when you brought up Charles. What was that? What was that when you brought up Charles? I did take offense to that, Portia.
And she's like, well, I mean, we see the flashback of her saying, I did hear your husband was spicy. I did hear something about Charles. So Portia's like, I'm sorry. That was just a joke. But then I was like, well, I don't know her and she doesn't know me. And I can't joke like that yet. I don't believe you.
Yeah, she just pulled back. She's like, there's too much going on right now. There's too much heat. Let's pull back. Yeah, she's like, I just got in trouble for showing pictures. I don't want to get in trouble for whatever I found on the blogs. I'll save that for a couple of months.
Yeah, she tells us that they all have degrees in investigation. She's like, yeah, I have a cousin. They're like, where'd you get your degree from? She's like, one of my cousins. I have a cousin who has glasses on a string at all times in college. She puts them on and she gets typing. She acted it out and it was great. So then Drew arrives an hour late because it's Drew, which is even starting to get on my nerves and I'm not even there.
But I'm starting to get annoyed that Drew is an hour late to fucking everything. She's trying to become the diva at the show. And you're not, ma'am. You're not. She's a lot late.
Not anymore. She dropped 90 pounds in two weeks with Drop It With Drew. That's true. Now she only needs a saucer. So Drew is like, I'm just getting ready for Cora. And the interesting thing is because we all still live in the same house, we are coexisting in a way that feels like we're still like a family, you know? Which is funny because later on she's like, he is the worst co-parent of all time. He's like, what are you doing out in the basement while I'm eating a pancake? Yeah.
He never comes out of the basement when I'm around. Get the broom. Just like family. So Angela's like, well, you know, divorce is tough. Poor Shah. Do you feel like you're getting the support you need through your, you know, through your divorce? And she's like, well, I fantasize that we could have the divorce and then maybe come together. And, you know, we have a family at the end of the day. You get nothing but mansions because I do have a mansion now. So I'd like to keep that.
Well, if he came to you tomorrow and said, fuck all this, I want to work it out. Would you still be like, yeah? She's like, no, because you can't disrespect my mom. So Portia says that, you know, tells us that Simon filed paperwork stating that her mom was in cahoots about breaking into the house and
She just didn't, she really did not like Miss Diane's name being added to the public record about all this stuff. And so she, I love that visual of Miss Diane just sitting there with a crowbar trying to get through that front door. Like, I will not take this. Do you hear me?
I actually fully can see that. The things I can imagine the most is Miss Diane sitting in the driver's seat of the getaway car or on a walkie-talkie. I see it all. I saw that movie with Cynthia Erivo where she breaks into an embassy or something in London. It's a mom's responsibility to take care of the daughter.
And, you know, this is not the first time Portia's been locked out of a house because she dealt with the same thing in her first marriage. So, you know, now her mom keeps a little bobby pin in the back of her hair and she knows how to pick a lock. And that's just how it is. A mom knows. A mom learns.
If you think Miss Diane has not put on a trench and a hat and sunglasses and trailed someone, you are sadly mistaken. That woman, she knows. She knows how to navigate. I've been leaked an article that was like, the Hamburglar's trying- wait a minute, that's not the Hamburglar. It's Miss Diane in a striped shirt and a little mask. If you think- Martin's stealing hamburgers from my house. She literally is being a Hamburglar. She's just leaving. She's like, Portia, get the couch. I've got the hamburgers.
If you think Miss Diane has not found a dress that perfectly matches the wallpaper behind her and then stood up against that wall while someone walks by, you are sadly mistaken. 100%.
That's a good mother there. She is. She will break in for you. So you see these headlines, which are crazy. So Simon claims Portia Williams pulled up with armed gunmen at their home. The armed gunman was carrying a bag for hamburgers and wearing a striped shirt. Cops called. Moreover, Simon claims that around March 24th, Portia, alongside what looked like a head against wallpaper and
And her mother's boyfriend executed a forcible entry into their marital residence. Why am I imagining Portia's break-in crew also kind of as like the Muppets and the Great Muppet Caper dangling from the ceiling to get like the baseball diamond? I just imagine Portia with all the Muppets where they're like, okay, guys, here's what we're going to do. We're going to break into Simon's house. Like, okay, Portia.
Okay, I'm just going to... This is true. Absolutely none of this is true. Someone pulls out one of those cat laser things and she just ducks right under it. She's all Mission Impossible. She just... She just drops from the ceiling and is like an inch from the ground.
I believe it. I believe 100%. The thing is, with all these visuals that I have in my mind, they all make sense to me. Like, Miss Diana can do it all. Yeah, and Portia's not really denying it. She's just saying, how dare you tell the blogs about it, you know? And she's also mad that he's discarded Pilar. And this is sad, because Pilar gets into bed, and she's like, where's Simon? She used to call him Papa. Are you sure she wasn't calling him Papa? Papa? Papa?
Because that would make more sense. So she just says that he's at work and Pilar is like, but is he going to come see me? And she's like, um, um, which is, you know, guys are trash. Men are terrible. And it's only going to get worse in this episode.
So Drew is... So they're all gathering around Drew to comfort her. Not Drew. Around Portia. But Drew is... Drew is not because she's on bad terms with Portia. And she's telling us that a lot of things that Portia's going through are things that she's going through with Ralph. The difference being that Ralph is in a basement and it's a completely different situation entirely. But she wants to attach herself to this. And so, you know, God bless. So she's like, I understand probably more than she even knows. And it's unfortunate. Yeah.
that I can't be there for her in that way. But this is where we are, so it is what it is.
But Dennis can be there for me. And so can her agent. So that fills me with a little something. So she's like, I was with Simon so that I could feel safe. It's like, why would you feel safe with Simon after you saw how his last marriage went down? And you saw how that ended where he totally dissed her in the public eye and was all over the blogs the second that he left her or she left him. However, that worked as well. But just because he says he has a safe doesn't mean that you will be safe.
So Portia's like, well, now I'm in a place where I feel like I don't love him anymore because the person who I'm mourning is not there. And he presented his entire life and this person that I've been looking for. And that mirror was shattered because it wasn't real. Like you were looking for a rich man. He presented as a rich old man with a young lady that he treated like trash. And then you jumped on that like it was a free chair and a bake. What do you call that? Musical chairs. Yeah.
at the picture to bake sorry it's my bae how come i'm not sure chairs bake sale reference out that's like my favorite thing that's ever happened to me in life pushing some kid off their chair so i could get their cake i like that it was a i like that the bake sale has seating it's like okay i'm gonna buy that brownie but i'm gonna sit down while doing it i'm gonna sit down like i'm at like a jewelry so what do you call it a cake walk where you do the musical chairs thing to steal cakes from the other kids that's a cake walk right have you ever done that
I've never heard of something where it's like musical chairs to steal cake. That's not a cakewalk at all.
- Assuming that that's a normal thing. I mean, maybe it's just a Southern thing, but it's a game where there's a big circle of chairs and the music goes on and you all walk in a circle in the chairs and then one chair is taken away. So one person is left without a chair. So whoever is left without a chair when the music stops, you know, you all take a chair, that person's out. And then at the end, the person wins a cake. I think that's how it works. - Is it just like musical chairs with a cake reward?
It's like, yeah, there's like cakes. Okay. Maybe it's like, um, but you steal the cakes. I think it's like a white elephant thing where everybody gets a cake, but then you start stealing the cakes from the, are you sure this wasn't like a big brother? Was this a big brother challenge? Was there a giant swinging hot dog? Did people get, get splattered with you for no good reason? You win a cake and then something comes out of a wall and steals it. And you're like, was that Porsche's mother? Yeah.
I thought that was the wall all this time. Here's the important part. You remember things that are important to you, right? Like as childhood memories, you don't necessarily remember the entire thing. Here's what I remember. Another kid sitting down, me pushing him out of the chair and me getting a cake. Yeah, that's what I remember. It was very fun.
I think that was me yesterday on the airplane. Give me that cake. I'm sitting here now. Okay, so Portia acts like she had some whirlwind romance, some storybook romance with Simon, not buying it. But it is sad about Polar because, you know, she's so cute. She doesn't deserve it. So Kelly is like, everybody needs a little bit of grace.
A little bit of love. Am I right, girls? I'm hosting a tea party. A tea party served out of waffles. So everybody's like, okay. And so they're going to have a tea party. Yeah. And then, let's see. By the way, wait.
Oh, sorry. No, I advanced. I, I, sorry. I got lost in the note. No, no, no. I love it. I thought I was, I thought we're in a completely different area and I was afraid that we had gone past something, but we hadn't even approached the fact that, um, now Drew has announced that Michael Jordan is her cousin. Yeah.
For whatever reason, it comes out. She says, Michael, you know, they're talking about, it comes up and she says, you know, Michael Jordan is my cousin. He goes, Michael Jordan is your cousin? She goes, yes, my maiden name is Drew Jordan.
Do we feel like this is true or not? Like, you know, there are people who are on these shows that are cousins with, like, all sorts of random people. But why is it – why do I just not feel like this is true? Why do – don't you feel like this would have come out a long time ago? Like, funny enough, Drew Sidora and Michael Jordan are actually cousins.
Even when she bragged about LeBron James listening to her music, wouldn't she have said, I guess I just sort of have a thing with NBA players because my cousin is Michael Jordan. Like, I don't know. This just feels like it's too late to drop this piece of news for Drew Sidora. Yeah, I agree with you. I think it's going to be like that Secret Lives of Mormon Wives thing where he's like, oh, yeah, I'm cousins with Ben Affleck. And then we find out that's not true. But, you know, it's Utah. How do you prove it?
Reality Tea does have a they have a fresh story up from three hours ago that asks, are Drew Sedora and Michael Jordan related for real? And I'm going to get to the bottom of this by the end of the episode. I'm going to tell you that all right now. I'm going to say no. I'm saying no, no matter what. Even if it's true, I'm saying no, I will not allow it. Maybe like 18th cousins or something. Mm hmm.
So also my other question about this scene, I'm surprised because now they've moved to the outside because that's the only place with a couch that can people that people can actually sit on in this fucking house because everything else is like on the ground. So they move outside to sit on the couch. This is an outdoor couch, right? I mean, this is an indoor couch outside, right?
Did you notice that? Are they just that rich where they're just like, fuck it. This couch is more comfortable for the outside. So just put the indoor couch on the outside. And then if it rains, we'll just replace it. Because that was not an outdoor couch. I'm sorry.
I really have to go back and look at it because I'm actually upset that I did not notice that. Because I would normally have noticed, like, this is not an outdoor couch. Like, it's taking all the willpower in me not to fire up the episode right now and scan right directly to it and look. Because maybe it's like a new kind of outdoor couch where they've made this indoor couch look outdoor, but...
I don't think so. I think it's an indoor couch. I think it's an... I'm just going to say it right now. Drew Sidora, her last name is Jordan, but I'm going to say it right now, that does not mean that she's related to Michael Jordan. I'm just going to say that's not true, and I'm going to say this couch is not an outdoor couch. So we're accusing two things of being liars. Drew and a couch. Okay, just in case anybody... 1,000%. 1,000%. Your brother's face is keeping score.
I'm going to give that a page to Sorbo 1000%.
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- We get yoga with Kelly and Chloe, her daughter. So there's also the dog who has been died to like with an inch of its life. I mean, my goodness. And you know, a lot of times when people die their dogs
Other people are like, well, it's just food coloring. It's not dangerous for the dog. There's nothing dangerous about this dye. I don't know in this situation, because this dog, I think, had to have been bleached. To get a Yorkie bright pink like that, don't you have to bleach it first? And then it's been shaved, and it has these little leopard spots all over it. I don't know. The dog seems fine. It's unnatural. I'll say that much. I don't know. I blame Carol, the assistant that we meet later.
Yeah, I think that we basically, we don't need to, I just let the dogs be dogs. Let the dogs be dogs. I don't think we need to like turn them into like Easter eggs. Okay, let's just let the dogs have their own vibe. Okay? Yeah. So Chloe and Kelly are doing some yoga and some meditation and they do that and then
Kelly's talking about how she really appreciates Chloe. Chloe is her eldest daughter who just had that birthday. And how Chloe was really there for her during this divorce and really helped her get through it and stuff. So now they're at- I would be too if you bought me $17,000, $10,000 purses. Shit. Well, you-
I think some kids would be the opposite. They're like, "Really? 17 purses and now I have to sit here and pick you up, mother, from the bathroom floor?" Some kids are real brats, you know? Well, Chloe reads her ass, that's for sure, because she's like, "Oh my God, I just got an article texted to me. Are you reading it?" And she's like, "Yeah. Ew, God, this is a terrible photo of you, Mom." She's like, "Geez, Chloe, damn."
And she's like, I'm going to send this to Chance. She goes, no, don't send the article to Chance. She goes, no, I'm sending the picture with a text that says, ew, am I right? Gross. Look at her stupid mother. She's so supportive. Chloe is so supportive. You know what I think about actually quite a bit is I think about the fact that four of Kelly's children have brittle bone disease. Like, I think about it all the time. And I imagine, I just love like trying to imagine like how...
How she deals with that. Like, it's crazy that that has really occupied a space in my mind since that episode. So anyway, just thought I'd bring it down for a moment. But anyways, Kelly is...
kelly's just having one of these like mother-daughter chats like oh my god you know kids am i right uh like it's you've been so tough you've been you've gone through this yada yada yada talks about what's in the article and it's the business and him taking money and and you know him being locked up for content contempt imagine being locked up for content he is just so happy we are locking him up uh contempt and being put in jail and um
She's pissed off because at the end of the day, you get nothing for nothing. They say at the end of the day, 30,000 times this episode. So I apologize. And, you know, everyone's in school and things are on the Internet. Now people have to read this. And he put out a statement saying he's so focused on the family and the girls. And I'm like, when? And Chloe's like, oh, yeah, I don't even know why he says four kids because he doesn't speak to me.
And we find out that because she is not the birth daughter of this guy, he's just now completely ghosted her. Yeah, you're right. The man or pigs. The man or pig. The rough one. He raised her since she was two and a half years old. So basically, he is her father. And then the moment that now the family is severed, he's treating her literally like...
you know, a handbag or something like, well, Kelly, you bought that handbag. So I don't need to claim on that. But these kids are like, this is like a car and, you know, our TV and stuff like that. And it's just so obnoxious, you know, I mean, in some ways it actually technically makes Kelly's life easier because it's one less child to fight over. But at the same time, like this poor kid, I
I mean, the father figure in your life is basically suddenly just doesn't even want to fight for you. I think it's absolutely awful and wretched. And this guy, this guy seems like a real piece of shit. Like, it's just a poop on the bottom of your shoe that you stepped in. And I just hope he just, I hope Kelly is able to like, he get out of the situation as soon as possible. So Kelly, it's like, you know, it's the job of a mother to protect her daughter. Boo.
Oops, someone's trying to break in. Let me look. Miss Diane, you're at the wrong house again, hon. You can, yeah. I'm sorry. Sorry about that. I'm not going to. She's just trying to protect her child. She's really on a rampage lately. Damn. So Kelly's like, you know, we need to, like, you know, I want to, you know, if you get married or I get married, you know, I just want everything. You deserve love. And she goes, yeah, but.
i don't want to end up like you mom could you just be nice to me in one scene she's like i mean you're divorced and look at these pictures you're taking for the public disgusting i'm going to go to the hang on to is this strange waffles waffle narrative that you're pushing all of a sudden that's just sad for your mother i want to go back to therapy and also get a better stylist so i never end up like you shut down chloe jeez
So now Drew's house, she's packing up because it's a weekend where she has to be out of town or at least out of the, out of the house. Cause it's a Ralph weekend. So she's trying to like her daughter, she's trying to like do her daughter's hair and her daughter's being like sort of impish and kind of running away from her. And Drew's saying like, wow, like the kids never acted like this before. And then she goes and she finally does the kid's hair and then she's down there like having pancakes, like, uh,
Order in pancakes. I'd like to add as well. And I don't know why that bothered me for some reason. Like it bothered me. Like Drew, you can't even make your own pancakes. Although it's not like I have, I don't order in pancakes. Look at this emotional journey. I'm on with myself on this little boat. You'll order in a bag. You'll order in a McDonald's or a bagel.
I don't know why. I don't know what it is. There was something about, like, I don't mind if people order in breakfasts, but there was something about the fact that, like, it was her turn to leave, but, like, she had ordered. I don't know. I don't know why it bothered me so much that she'd clearly ordered breakfasts.
I don't know why. It bothered me that Drew had ordered breakfast on this day. I cannot articulate it. I would think at this point I could say, this is why it bothered me that Drew ordered breakfast when I myself am someone who's ordered... First of all, pancakes don't travel. So ordering pancakes, that's already a losing gamble. But like...
I don't know. In this, I don't know. Either way, Ralph shows up. Ralph shows up and it's a shocking moment because normally Ralph has to wait at the basement door before Drew, until Drew has left the house, but he's actually invaded the first floor and Drew is shocked. And I just, I don't know. The idea of Ralph emerging from the basement unexpected is just like, it's very funny to me.
Well, the thing here... Okay, Drew does so many things that just confuse me. So she's like, every first, third, and fifth weekend, I have to leave my house. That's confusing, right? I mean, I know that some months have more...
Some months have more weekends than others. I get that. I'm not that stupid. But then wouldn't that throw it off? Because if you had to leave every first, third, and fifth, and there was a month with five, then doesn't he get them two in a row? Why doesn't he just get them every other? There are just lots of ways that confuse me. I just don't get what she's saying. And then she's like, well, I can't believe you're up here. And he's like, yeah, you're supposed to be gone. She's like, well, but I'm eating a pancake. I can't believe you would come up. You were late. You were supposed to be gone. So...
I don't know. I feel like... Yeah. I think maybe that's it. It's like you know you're supposed to be out at a certain time, but you order pancakes. Like, you're on a time limit. Why are you ordering pancakes? You're determined to make this pancake thing. You're like, I will... I'm trying to get... I'm going to send her to prison over this pancake thing. Damn it. I'm just trying to drill down as to why I had a reaction to when I saw that they were all sitting around and they were eating these shitty pancakes that were room temperature out of the plastic. I don't know why. It's just like...
You're like, time limit! But then again, it's Ralph, and any time that extra time Ralph has to spend in the basement, I'm totally for. So, it's a very conflicting scene. Yeah, so she's like, you know, this is...
basically rough on the kids, divorce, this and that. And he's like, hey, hey, kids. And he's trying to be like happy Ralph. You know, like, ah, we're going to have fun. It's Daddy's Day. And she's like, well, my suitcases are in the car, so I was about to leave. And he's like, well, okay, that would be great. And she's like, but I need to talk to you about something. So, kids, could you go play? I know you've had a bite of that pancake after waiting for an hour, but me and your daddy need to talk. So, Ralph, you know...
I've talked to my lawyer and you need to call the exterminator. And he's like, true. It's like, yeah, but I talked to my attorney. He's like, no, I don't know why, because I've been telling you for the week. I've been telling you to call the exterminator for probably like, I don't know, like three weeks now. And she was like, and I have.
And I've been covering the exterminator when he came, but then my lawyer said I don't have to. So it's technically something you're supposed to do. And I was like, cool. That just takes something else off my plate because I already have so much on my plate. He goes, what? What do you have on your plate? You don't even pay. And she's like, okay, I'm going to go now because you're challenging my plate. I have a lot. I'm going to sing a song that has been produced by someone who did a novelty kid CD for his child. Okay, so that's a lot on my plate right now. My plate is the shape of an album. She's like, boop, boop, boop, boop.
Listen, hot dog man, I have an idea for a new song. My plate! My plate! There's an exterminator on my plate! Get that exterminator off your plate. Does she not have an assistant or her sister to do that anymore? I guess not. So...
Then we go to Ralph in his confessional where he's wearing his shirtless blazer look and hunched over. He's like, Drew doesn't have to pay any bills. I pay for everything. I'm always like, you can pay the determinator bill. I mean, what is that? Like a hundred bucks? This is typical Drew. But it always causes conflicts, which is why that's not how you manage a relationship effectively. That's definitely not how we're going to be able to manage co-parenting. And you can read more about this in the Step In Co-Parenting book coming out soon on ralphpress.ralph.com. Yeah.
Chapter five, the exterminator clause. So Drew's like, this is just such typical Ralph. He loves to trigger me. He loves to dance on these nerves. Okay. You know, who's fucking with you the most is production. Cause she's so shocked when he comes up for the basement and it's like, what are you even doing out of the basement? He's might. So apparently somebody was in with him. So get mad at them. So then it's like the sister comes out and.
And she's like, "Are you okay?" And she's like, "No, I'm not okay. I'm just so stressed out and I have to call an exterminator. I can't take it." She's like, "I'm just so mad. It's just so stupid. Like, we don't even have to argue. We don't have to have this interaction whenever I leave. You're not ever upstairs. That was weird." And she's talking to her mom also on the phone and she's like, "That was weird. What did he do? What was he up there for?" And she was like, "He's just..." Oh, no, I'm sorry.
Not the mom. You're right. It was Walter Faith, the sister. And Drew's like, yeah, he was like, it's my time. I know it's your time and I'm leaving. And so she's basically venting about Ralph and everything and saying how he never comes up at this time. And Drew's like, I don't want him to make any phone calls that I'm still on the premises and I'm not leaving. Okay. Just because I had to wait an extra half an hour because I ordered pancakes from Postmates and it took a very long time. It's not my fault.
So now we go to another Housewives making music scene. It's Shamia. And she's making friends. I mean, she's making music with her friend R.L. Because her him and God damn it, Ronnie. She's making a song with R.L. because she met his wife, Lena, and they became friends. And so now they're going to make music together because he's a famous producer. Jamie Foxx, Ginuwine, and now Shamia.
I, so RL works with a producer named B flat, which I think is funny because like, I mean, there's nothing inherently wrong with the note B flat. It's a totally viable note, but I just feel like having flat in your name is just like not a good, it's not good branding for your musical production career. You know, really? B flat's a good key.
I just feel like flat. I just, the word flat. Yeah. Flat. You're like, um, you guys, I don't think that music should have flats because it's like offensive. Do you like, so B flat is B flat known in music as like a good key. Like that's like a key, a good key to start in. I mean, I like to play and be flat because it's trickier. Hmm.
Okay. Well, you should really link up with RL and B-flat. How about B-Arthur as a producer name? B-Arthur. Ma! That'll be just me biting my fist.
Okay, so basically Shamia talks about how she's an underdog on the music scene, but she's ready to be a star now. And then her friends come, Angela and Drew. Andrew's like, oh my god, we're in the studio!
Yeah, she's very impressed that it's RL. Because he was also in the band Next. So that's pretty cool. I do love that Drew is spending the whole time getting her phone to bump up against his so she could switch some information with him and steal him as her producer. You know she is fucking Drew. Oh, your phone is real close. It's getting real close. What?
Your phone buzzed me. Now I got your info. Now I got your info. Step up and move your phone close. Feel a little bump coming through. It's your contacts. That's about it. That's all I can do. So she, you know, they're talking about like how great it is. She's working with our Allen staff.
And then Angela's like, well, you know, it was difficult to hear you have your song so discarded by Porsche at the bank. It's so funny. And it's just a funny thing.
She apologizes. That was such a funny thing. She's like, I am sorry that Portia was so rude to you. I love that tactic. I'm apologizing for something I wasn't part of, but I'm going to say it. I'm going to say it like I'm being empathetic to you, but I'm actually just throwing someone under the bus right now. I feel like I enabled that by having a party at the bank. And I just wanted to say, I'm so sorry. Now, would you like that in tens, twenties, or just a solid hundred? Yeah.
Shmia, I apologize that you have a legitimate storyline to have here and it got overshadowed by Kenya's mess. So I apologize that I didn't follow through and let you have some moment on camera to talk about how annoyed you were at Portia. Yeah, she is. She's like, okay, well now that things, now that Kenya's off the show, I want to remind you that you should be pissed off at Portia. So she's like, yeah, well, you know, to have my song disrespected in that way in a bank when I was trying to play it through my phone speakers, I
That was rough. That's really rough. Usually holding up a phone and blasting out a song through tiny little titty speakers demands more respect. But yeah, it just, it hurt my feelings because everything that Horsha's done, I've been like her biggest cheerleader and I need that same energy when it comes down to the things that I'm passionate about. Like,
to become a pop star again right now. So she's basically saying, she's like, well, I know, I get it. Portia didn't know I was going to play my song. And then, you know, when we left, we did talk about it. And she was like, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize it was you. And I was like, that's okay. But it was weird. It was weird. I was like, yeah, it was weird. I'd actually say it was beyond weird. It was rude. It was obnoxious what Portia did to Shamia. Yeah, it was rude. Yeah, Portia was on one that night. She was trying to start with everybody. Yeah.
So I think...
That was shitty. But I'm also, I also kind of love that she did that because now Shamia is always walking around like, do I sound like Drew? Because even now she's like, I mean, no offense, Drew, but I don't sound like Drew, do I? Do I sound like Drew? Or Elle. Drew, sing a little something. Ouch. Oh, God. Do I sound like that? Do I sound like that? Is that really me? Please tell me that's not me. So Shamia's like, yeah, well, when I brought my song to the bank, you know, I was so excited to play it for you guys.
No shade drew, but that was better for you, right? And Shamia is like, it hurt my feelings, you know, as an artist, when you create.
You're just so passionate about it. Does everybody know? Drew, not you. Not you. Any artists in the room. RL, am I right? No, Drew. Sit down, Drew. RL, am I right? Yeah, even Lena, who sings in the shower. Lena gets it. Not you, Drew. Please stop. Drew's like, excuse me. I understand what it's like to create. There was that time that Ralph and I went to a Dunkin' Donuts and he set out his keyboard and we came up with like about five bars and it was amazing.
She's like, I get it. Have you ever tried to come up with a rhyme for hot dog? I have a full song called Slot Fog. So I get it.
Music is like your baby. And when someone doesn't give you respect, it's like you're disrespecting my baby. It's like you're hanging with your baby and then suddenly someone comes out from the basement and then wants to hang with your baby instead. And it's just very, very difficult. And she's like, but then, you know, I'm blessed to be working with RL and B-flat. And they built my confidence back up. And Drew's like, oh, yeah, that's how I feel with Dennis, you know?
I was feeling insecure and Dennis started steaming me and poured some relish on my head. And now I'm a hot dog and I've never felt that people are more hungry for my music. And I go, God, does Drew have to make it about herself? It's always. And then she's, and then she's also, she also says, and you know, these royalties, the way this publishing is set up, that's going to pay for PJ's whole college. So Drew is actually now basically claiming that, um,
She's going to be the one to provide for Pilar's future. That's who PJ is, right? That's Pilar?
Yes. With hot dogs. No, with hot dog songs. So now they play the song and Shamia does the most annoying thing that someone can do when they play their song. She gets up and starts singing along with it. Be quiet. It's bad enough. I have to listen to you sitting here. Now I have to listen to you sitting here and dancing there. Come on, man. Leave me alone. Yeah. Too much. Too much right now.
So, yeah. So, Shamia's excited about her music. She's excited to be working with this person. And Drew is being messy, implying that she is going to be the breadwinner for Portia's child. So, now we go back to Brits and Brits with her mom, Angela. And...
And Brit's like, this is a very uncomfortable conversation having to call my mom and say, hey, guess what? This woman tried to shame me for giving fellatio. I'm like, not only will it be an uncomfortable conversation, it's also going to be a boring one. So thanks. Thanks for the thanks. She's like, I'm sad, mommy. And her mom goes, well, I've been sad. So I was like, oh, yes. I love this mother-daughter energy. She's like, stop the crying. So she, Brit goes into a whole thing where she's like, girls are always so mean to me.
You know? And it's just like always. I'm always bullying, Mom. It's like, you know what it's like. I've always been crying about it my whole life.
Well, if it's anything like this show, you're kind of an asshole to women and then you cry about them getting pissed off at you, which we see by the end of this episode and many other examples during this show. But since she was in the right on this one, I got to just shut up and take it. Yeah. She wasn't the right. Yeah. So the mom is like, yeah, you know, girls are haters when they want to be you. So don't worry about it. And she's like, yeah, I'm going to be classy, mom.
And the mom's like, good, let it go. Can I leave now? Oh, and I like to go to the mom. We've been redecorating. This is my new office. The mom walks in and looks around and goes, OK.
Mom's like, I don't know what the big deal is. We already had this conversation when we did webcams 15 years ago. I'm chill. Don't worry about it. So now we have... It's going to be quality time with Portia and Shamia. So Portia and Shamia go to an indoor miniature golf place, which looks actually really fun. And Portia says, is this where we came for Glinda's engagement party? Which...
you know, that was a scene from Wicked I did not get to see. I would like to have seen that. So Shamia's like, they're just like happy and talking and everything. And Portia's saying how filing for divorce, you know, turned everything upside down. And so her therapist said, you should go into self-preservation mode, which is basically her focusing on herself. And so she's been focusing on herself because of this. I'm like,
Is this any different than the pre-divorce experience with Portia we've witnessed? I was going to say, you're Portia. You always focus on yourself. So, Shemia decides, basically, she's not going to fight with Portia about playing the song, you know, dissing her song at the bank because Portia's going through a lot.
And so basically they play a lot of games and talk about kind of the same things. They've talked about this entire episode, which is Porsche's divorce and Drew and Hot Dog Man filming together. And she's like, "Well, you know, I told him, 'I don't even want to have to tell you not to film with her. I just want you to make a choice for your family.'" And then they cut to her telling him in the car, "You better not fucking film with her. I'm gonna fucking kill you. I'll cut your hot dogs off."
And he's like, "Okay." And then she's like, "And he said that he was supposed to come with her, but then he canceled it." And then they're like eight days earlier.
Dennis filming with Dennis filming with Drew. He lied. Yes. So Portia's like, yeah, so when I was talking to him, I was just telling him that, like, I don't like that. And I can say I don't like that. And he wanted me to say, tell me. You don't want to tell me. Tell me. Tell me that you don't like it. And I want you to make a choice for your family. And so Portia's basically saying that they have a great co-parenting relationship and
And any, she's just afraid of any extra variables, AKA Drew Sedora, you know, interfering with their relationship with Pilar. Yeah.
Well, also, this should show Drew what an asshole hot dog man is, because he not only lies to Portia and says, well, you know, I didn't do the filming, which he was supposed to do. But he says, well, it was planned that we were going to film, but I was the one that said no. I said no. To make it look like Drew went behind her back and did it anyway, when he also went behind her back and did it anyway. Thanks.
And we all know where this is leading to. We all know that when this music finally comes out or whatever, it's going to become a dispute between Drew and Dennis about the money that he didn't pay her or the money that she didn't pay him. We all know where this is heading. So...
It's going to be fun to watch. So they play all these sorts of golf-typey games and skee-ball and all that stuff. And Portia does that thing that I hate when you're with somebody, that she just effortlessly wins at everything. She's just like, "I'm going to get a cop-up. I got a whole mind. Have that happen." Every single time she's like, "Oh, damn it." They also keep pulling at their boob cloth because their boobs aren't very covered and they've both got beautiful, gigantic boobs.
That's got to be horrible to just be trying to cover your boobs the whole time. They literally are just covering their boobs the whole time. Just wear a bigger shirt. Yeah. So then while they're playing golf, etc. And then...
Actually, what I thought was funny was when they got to the final hole. You know, the final hole in mini golf, it always swallows up your ball, which I always find to be kind of anticlimactic and withholding. I feel like you should be given the ball back and then you bring it back. I understand why they do it. It's a way to collect the balls. But I always find it annoying because it's like, then that's it. The ball's done. And Portia, however, does not realize that this is how it works. And she's just like looking around the machine, looking for her ball. She'll be just like, it's over. You don't get your ball back. She's like, oh, that's sad.
So then they talk about IVF and Shamia is talking about her embryo and she's got a 30% chance of implantation. And she's really hoping that it takes and everything and, you know, exciting stuff like that. She wants to grow her family.
Okay, so let's go over to the next scene, which is a tea party. Okay, so we get a new character, Paris, who's Callie's assistant. He's like, hey, girl, what the fuck you doing? I decorated this whole park. Hey, you look good. You're welcome. He's got like a little kind of Kate Gosselin thing.
but gel down to his head, bleach blonde thing and some shorts up to his rib cage and some glasses and a full face. He's a character. I could, I could use a spinoff with this one. I don't think anybody like this. Yeah. He's kind of giving me like, like Robin meets pink meets Atlanta, you know? And so, um, he is, uh, he, he is hilarious. I'm surprised they waited, uh, six episodes to introduce him to us. Cause he's kind of great.
So, she's like, "Paris is my stylist, so I needed to really up my game today, up my standards." And Paris is like, "No plastic cups, Marat! Okay? This is where we're starting." And she's like, "Oh, there's enough plastic ladies here. Ahahaha!" So, she's saying that she wants to bring peace, and she wants to show Brit that she is totally supported, and that this is a sisterhood, even though they've all just met each other about three weeks ago.
"Are you wasted, Paris? Did you have something before you came here?" He's like, "Uh-uh." She says, "Can I have whatever you're having?" He's like, "Uh-uh. What I'm drinking gives you wings." Red Bull? So Kelly's like, "Oh, well, I might need some wings today." He's like, "Wings? Wings and wigs, honey." So then Portia calls. She's sick, so she's not gonna be coming. And Kelly is like, "Okay, well, you know what? Take everything, girl. Just don't take nobody else's man. I'm just joking. Okay."
So then Shamia, Angela arrive and you know, it's just like, Hey, Hey, hi, hi, hi, hi. And then Kelly is like, oh, let me tell you a story. My lawyer sent me a story about my ex and the bitter divorce. And you know, now he's out of jail and he owes me $10,000 in child support. Only made one payment. And Angela's like, that is so much to deal with. And I'm so sorry. You're going through that. You know, you're dealing with all of that. Sorry.
It's like, "Yeah, because it's very tough dealing with my accent, the children, the vlogs." And Angela's like, "Yeah, I'm sorry, but I did bring a plus one. Polyester, because this dress is hot, like I'm hot." So why'd she wear polyester? Did she think that was going to cool her down? Or is she regretting it? I think it was a regret. I think we've all been there, like, "I'm going to wear this. This looks cute." And then you realize you're sitting outside in humidity and you're like, "Why did I do this? Why?"
So, Kelly's like, not the Polly and the Esther. Oh, God. She's melting again. Poor Angela. Like, heat has been an ongoing issue with her. It's been an issue. So, then Britt is talking about how she shows up with Drew, and she's saying how the ordeal has taken over her entire life.
And every time she goes on social media, there's commentary and there's an article on this and that and everything. And every time when you Google her name, you can't remove what's on the internet. And she's like, she's just picking up the pieces. And she's like, she has her guard up because she doesn't know what to expect from this group of ladies. Yeah. So they ask her how she's doing. And she's like, it's been rough. It's been really rough. And Kelly's like, okay.
Even though I've been able to talk to you, you know, and Shamia's been able to talk to you, I feel like the other ladies haven't been able to truly understand how you feel. Okay? So that's why we're having brunch. It's all for you. It's just for you. It's just a girls' let's support Brit. Because everyone here, you know, I mean, they've been able to talk about Kenya, about her feelings. So let's hear from you now. I was like, oh, that's so...
That was a sneaky thing. Underhanded. She's like, this was for you. So everybody else who's been talking to Kenya, why don't you tell her how you feel now? Britt's like, you guys all talked to Kenya about her feelings? And Drew's like, we did. We did. And she and Angela just nod. And Britt is obviously pissed. And she's like, I'm dealing with the law, and I have a lot to do with my husband and my business and my license. And Shamia goes, guys...
You know, she mentioned to me yesterday that she lost her insurance license. And everyone's like, what? And then Angela basically asked the question that I was immediately thinking, which is like, based off of what? Because, like, why would you lose your insurance license off of this sort of stuff? Something is fishy about this.
Yeah, this is a lie. It's a flat-out lie. So Britt's like, "Well, what do you mean, based off what? Are you confused? What's been going on?" And Angela's like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. Where's this energy coming from with me? I'm licensed, and in order to lose a license, there has to be a cause. I'm just asking what the cause was, and this energy." And she's like, "Today is for me!" And she's like, "Okay. Well, it's always for you, Britt."
How? This energy, she's like, this is a peace offering. You're not coming in peace. I just asked you a question of, you know, how did you lose it? What was it? On what cause? And you just ate me up. You just ate me up when I'm wearing Polly and Esther. And if you fail to take responsibility for how we even got here, then, and she's, oh, hold on. Hold on. Read the ring. Read the ring.
And so she's like, "Well, why is Kenya not here? Why is Kenya not here then?" And she's like, "We the room." So Britt is pissed that they don't have her back. You know, they're like, "Why would you even speak to Kenya?" And so she's like, "We the motherfucking room!" And Angela's like, "I am reading the room." And Britt tells her, "You're a little slow." "Oh, Britt, you're wasting all of this goodwill. You should have just kept up the victim act." Yeah, coming in hot. Okay. Coming in hot. Like, you actually have—you're given the gift of having—being able to be the one to be like,
I'm just shattered right now. And instead you're popping off on these girls. I mean, I know you're annoyed at them, but like also we realistically know the production probably said, okay, Angela, uh,
Angela and Drew, you have to shoot a scene with Kenya. And then, you know, probably then after that, it was all scrapped because of the whole situation. But Angela's like, I'm not slow. Okay, I'm not slow because of you. Because Brittany says, you're a little slouch. I'm not slow because of you. You like to throw rocks and hide your hands, which is true too. And it looks like she's going to get right back to it pretty soon. Yeah. So then Shamia's like, the dictionary defines peace as tranquility. Right now they need tranquilizers.
I'm glue. Prefixes, am I right? They can work so well. So Kelly, they switch seats. And because Kelly's like, Angela, why don't you swap with me? She goes, all three of us will leave. Me, Polly, and Esther. I'm really going to make this thing work. Okay. I saw some of Wendy's work on Potomac, Happy, and Nest, Polly and Esther. I think it's really going to just fold in really well with Housewives of Lore.
And Kelly's like, you ladies don't know how to act on my nice William Sonoma tablecloth. That is the first time I think I've ever heard someone brag about a William Sonoma. Well, it's not that it's cheap. I mean, it's not cheap. It's just usually you hear like a Gucci tablecloth or I don't know, like an LV tablecloth. It's just like, here's a tablecloth I got from
William Sonoma. That was the moment I think I was like, that kind of elevated Kelly for me because I was like, oh, you know what? I kind of feel like if I hung out with Kelly, we would probably talk about Ina Garten because, you know, she likes Ina Garten. I can actually tell because she got the William Sonoma tablecloth and made me realize she's probably down with Ina Garten, which means that I'm going to probably be down with Kelly. And, you know, let's just face it. That's just she's my people.
You have tablecloths in common. I don't have a Williams-Sonoma tablecloth, but I'm open to it. I'm Williams-Sonoma tablecloth ready. And so I can just feel that... I feel like I could go to Williams-Sonoma with Kelly and we could probably go and talk about everything in there and have a really good time discussing the pros and cons of that oyster shucker or that Dutch oven or a random corkscrew. I kind of feel like...
This was just like a, this is a peek into her personality in a way that I really enjoyed. Oh, I was like, you need a better tablecloth.
It's like I've never heard of anybody brag about Williamson open tablecloths. So then they move. They have they make them rearrange seats. So they're not sitting by each other anymore. Not that sitting across from each other is going to be a huge help, as we'll soon find out. So Angela's like, I thought this was a peace bronze. And she means like it is. You know, we're going to be more peaceful. OK, we're going to switch gears. Now, I'm going to ask a question, Brett. Now, how did you come about losing your license? OK, glue.
Okay, glue asking the exact same thing. And she's like, this is what's going on. Because of all the backlash and the defamation, I'm under an investigation with my insurance. Okay, so you didn't lose it. So you've already started this off with a lie. So, Britt, I'm done with you, okay? I'm sorry someone showed your porn on the TV. That was terrible. You still suck. Now go away. Yeah.
Yeah, because she says, yeah, I didn't lose my license immediately. It doesn't work that way. So Angela mutters, thought so. And Bray's like, what was that, Angela? She's like, I said I thought so. Well, how about you be quiet? And she's like, I said I thought so. How about you be quiet? I said I thought so. And Drew's like, what is happening here? Can I use these lyrics on my next song? Thought so.
And Angela tells us that she's a licensed mortgage loan originator. Thank you. And she knows that to lose your license, there has to be more than just a rumor. And so Britt goes, would you like to twirl out? Okay. You know what? I was annoyed with you before, and now I'm officially done. Now you're still using Kenya's lines? This is like the third time you've done that.
It's sad. I thought when she said that, when she said, would you like to twirl out? I thought that was a reference to like, oh, you're such good friends with Kenya. Why don't you twirl on out of here? But then their reaction made me realize that I think she said it in sincerity. Like she didn't realize she was even making a Kenya reference. I think she said it in sincerity because it's like the third time she's done it. And I don't know that she's smart enough to really be pulling off.
Wordplay. Yeah, sarcasm. Rudimentary wordplay. It's no tranquility tranquilizer wordplay, that's for sure. So basically Angela's like, oh my god, I'm trying to support her, but she's barking at me. And she barks. And Drew's like, oh my god, not twirl at all! Like,
And Shamira's like, this is a peace brunch, and I'm working with RL. So Britt is like, oh my god, it's so nasty. So nasty, so rude. That's why Kenya's not here, because of the nasty work that she's done. And it seems like nobody wants to acknowledge that. And Drew's like, I feel like she took it too far, and I don't agree with it, so I want you to know that. But I feel like if you can get to a point where you guys understand you both were wrong in the situation, and by the way, I hope you don't mind I brought on your, uh,
X to be my music producer. Is that cool? So Britt's like, "Yeah, but I've already admitted wrongdoing and I apologize and I took flowers and all that. So I'm not going to be in the same room with her and it can't be removed or erased. Even hearing her call me an escort." And she's like, "But, like, I hear what you're saying and I can see how you feel is valid. So I respect that." And then church bells start ringing and they all start laughing.
And so Shamia's like, "Peace, peace, peace. Find good in each other. We're women."
"We're women, I am glue, whatever you woman bounces off that woman and sticks to you." "Okay, everybody!" Oh, thank God. Another Shamia Peace monologue. So they're like, "Okay, we'll all get along now." And so, now they're gonna move on. So, let's dance. Then they all dance. They do a two-step, and then it just sort of is like a bow at the end. They didn't know how to end the scene. And let me tell you something, I've been there. So, that's basically how it ends.
It ends with them two-stepping and laughing and, you know, deciding it's too hot to argue. So let's dance and we'll argue on the next episode. And that's what it looks like they will do because next episode they're going to go to Nashville. Portia's going to try not to invite Drew. We'll see how that works out. But first cast trip is coming up and looking forward to it.
All right, everybody. We will see you next time. Thanks for being here. Join us at WatchWhatCrapHands.com for ticket links for our shows in Texas and Vegas. And also find links to our Patreon there for video recaps and bonus episodes. We'll talk to you next time. Bye.
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At 24, I lost my narrative, or rather it was stolen from me. And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. I
I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours. Something you possess is lost or stolen, and ultimately you triumph in finding it again. So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks, both recognizable and unrecognizable names, about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph.
My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank up. They connected with the people that I'm talking to and leave with maybe some nuggets that help them feel a little more hopeful. Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.