Shownotes Transcript
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♪ Oh, a little bit of rap ♪ ♪ Who cares? ♪ ♪ Happens when there's so much that happens ♪
Hi, everyone. Welcome back. This is part two of a two-part recap. If you're wondering where part one was, well, go check in the feed and be sure to subscribe. So that way you always get your episodes. But enough of that. Let's get right back into the episode. So, and then Tristan is like, well, my little touch to this dish is Kalamata olive and Greek honey caramel. And I'm going to use it kind of like a barbecue sauce. And it will actually create an accelerant, a great browning of the octopus. So that way it can be kissed by the flame and touch the tapenade.
So Lana's like, oh my God. What'd you say? I said, by the way, it sounds delicious. Yeah. I mean, it's fire-touched. It's flame-touched. So that's all you needed to say. As someone who is also flame-touched. I love it.
So Lana loves that they've made 500 sauces, including holidays. She's like, I finally get it now. Karma Sutra. Right, guys? So Massimo apologizes to Paula for being a dick because their dish came out perfect. And he goes, but thank God I handled the stress well. She's like, fucking die. You are rude.
So one, hey chefs, Ghost Padma here to tell you, one minute left, stop being stupid. So now everyone, all the tasters, all the guests are pouring into the underpass. And Corwin is talking about like, hey, you know what? They're all walking up. We've got fritters coming out of the fryer. So I have enough to start feeding people. And I just have to keep the train moving here because if it's a rocky start, I could tank our service. They're all very concerned.
about the service and they keep setting it up like someone's gonna get in the weeds like I've got so many garnishes I got so many condiments everything's taking a while not a single one of these people had a line and I was almost sad because that's like that's the tradition with these kind of events is that someone gets in the weeds and then there's like a long line and then Tom stands in the line goes oh well it seems to be taking a while to get some service around here really having some issues with this line the long line I don't know what's taking so long but we didn't get that I was really upset
Yeah, so the judges come in and they're like, "Welcome to the Bedway, everybody." And Gail's like, "Oh, I've been here before. I think it's really awesome. I think they did an amazing job with otherwise unused space, right? I mean, today, hopefully there's great food. I mean, we're under a freeway, guys. This is amazing." Wow, what a surprise. Gail's been here. Didn't need to tell us that. We see bite marks all over the pylons.
Um, so Sarah's here. Who's my favorite. She's one of my all time favorites on this show. I love Sarah. Sarah's like, oh my God, love that you put them in the kitchen. You know, so many times we go somewhere, we eat something more like, ah, here's a food farted out the food, but you know, to go actually taste the food. That's interesting. You taste it, you cook it. You knew all the fucking things.
You know, one time my husband was working the line and then, you know, fortunately he brought an axe into the kitchen and accidentally chopped his leg off. So we had to take him to the emergency room. But when we got back, it turned out he never turned off his pan. And whatever was cooking in that pan was absolutely fucking delicious. You ever have spinach that's cooked on an open flame for three hours? Oh, my God. Wonderful. I have a dream. I had a dream one day of making a beaver soup.
So I didn't want to just kill a fucking beaver. Who does that? So I went over to the beaver's dam. I ate dinner with his family. I said, you're all big, hairy, buck tooth motherfuckers. Thanks for having me. Killed the mom, took her home, made her into a stew. Boom. Went to Michelin.
you know i was like you know what i'm gonna do i wanna show them a piece of home so i'm gonna make some burgoo but someone misunderstood me and just when i said let's make some burgoo they actually brought me a gooey bird and i said you know what you got to make with what you got to make so i served a gooey bird and everyone loved it second michelin star baby
Well, you know, this pulls them out of their comfort zone. I mean, except for Gail, who's often under freeways. Seeing if anyone will sell her some, you know, cupcakes. That was good, Tom. I'm trying. I'm trying, Padma. I'm trying. I'm trying. You're not here. So it's really rough.
So then Paula and Massimo, the judges go to Paula and Massimo and Paula and Massimo, have you enjoyed working together? And he's like, oh, we cook with fire. So, you know, it got heated today over here. Look, look over there. Who needs a fire hydrant when you've got Paula crying? Oh, poor Paula. We don't do this in Italy. Am I right? So Paula's like, so we have a braised short rib served on flatbread and some escabeche. And if it tastes shitty, it's all Massimo's fault. Thank you very much.
And Massimo's like, yes, and also, I've made fresh bread to cook to order. It's one of the most beautiful things in the world for me. And Gail's like, so you do that a lot? You make fresh bread to order? She says it like it's a bad thing. Like, so are you a cheater? You cheat on your wife? Is that what you do? With your fresh bread? He's like, half of my day at my restaurant is making bread. Wow, half the day at my restaurant is Gail eating bread. So...
Half the day at my restaurant is trying to avoid poor people. It's disgusting. And Gail. And by poor people, I mean Gail, who's always sitting there eating bread. So, you know, it always comes back. We have to make bread all day because Gail eats all of our inventory all day. And Tom's like, well, yeah, you know, the meat, well, it's a little dry. It's good. But it's dry. It's dry meat. Well, there's a Gail one there, but since I'm dead, I'll let one of you living people take it. Anyone? No one?
No one? Sarah's like, it's really missing that collagen that oxtail gives. Oh yeah, kind of like Gale's face. Without collagen, right? Gale's like, well, there was a gentleness in the acidity, but I wanted to taste it and I wanted that heat. Is it a good dish? Absolutely. I'm just not getting Caribbean flavor. You know, here's what I'm getting. Dry meat. Dry meat. That's what I taste.
It's like Gail drinking a piña colada. Sure, it speaks to the Caribbean, but is this really the Caribbean right now? I don't think so. Gail's just like a piña colada. No matter when you order it, she's always kind of melting. All right. Aruba, Jamaica. Ooh, I don't want to take you, Gail. So we see some normal people trying it, and one of them's like, ew, there's something bitter in this. She's like, oh my God, it's the curry.
So now they all – so then Caesar and Katiana's mentor shows up to try their food. So Caesar's like, I really love that the chef is here and is going to try our dish that's inspired by her. I mean, we're in the flow. We're just joking. Joking is so scary. Oh, my God. So anyway, everything's going well over there. And then the judges go to Kat and Corwin's table.
And Kat's like, "Um, yeah, so we went to Mercado Negro and it's a Portuguese restaurant. Billy Corgan's never been, I can tell you that from personal experience. And the things that really resonated with us were like the seafood. So we thought, what if we take that seafood and make a Nutella sandwich out of it?" But Corgan said, "No, we can't do that." And stupidly, she goes, "Yeah, we went to get salt cod, but they didn't have salt cod, so we got regular cod."
So that's what we did. I mean, why would you say that? Just idiotic. So then the judges taste it. And Sarah's like, well, I mean, I do like big pickles. Ain't the first time I said that. I'll fucking tell you that much.
God, my husband's got such a big pickle. I'm just glad I didn't chop that thing off. Anyway, salt cod has a unique flavor. It's kind of like, you know, it's kind of like, have you ever had preserved raccoon? It's kind of like that. Anyway, I was wondering, will they be able to get to that without the salt cod? And the answer is absolutely not. This tastes like shit. Garbage. And Tom's like, what would you say salt cod if you don't have salt cod? I mean, it's just the dumbest storytelling I've ever heard. I mean, what the hell was that? It's like, see, yeah.
It's like saying, you're going to be a mixologist. You don't even know how to make a drink. What would you even say in the first place? I am really loving the flavors of Kat and Corwin's dish. The texture of this bomba, to me, is a little off, though. I'm going to say that right now. Do not like an untextured bomba, okay? Wow, Gail. You know you're not supposed to be eating bomba socks, right? Maybe that explains it. Gail still gets a boner every time Lou Diamond Phillips comes on to a...
Verizon commercial, and you can't even get her liking a bomba. Wow. Gail, stop eating that VHS cassette copy of the bomba. It's not the meal. So Kristen's like, the wetness? Oh, I don't know. I don't know. The salted cod wouldn't have made this happen. And Tom's like, yeah, I mean, it's a nice little seafood dish. It's fine. You know, you're not going to think much about it. But, you know, it's a double elimination. You got to come a little harder than this. You got to come a little harder than this. Padma?
Wow, come a little harder. That's something that never happened in Gail's love life. Am I right, everyone? High five. Sorry. My dear friend Ali Wong gave me that joke. She's a comedian and she's raunchy. See her at my show, Ghost Padmas Comedy Hour.
So Vinny is telling people about his dish over and over. He's like, this is Karma Sutra. Welcome to Karma Sutra. Just like the book, guys. And Lana's like, wow, Vinny is like spilling. And I'm like, wow, like it's hilarious. Like listening to him spill over and over. Like he just keeps saying Karma Sutra. I really fucked him on that one. Karma Sutra. Yeah. Like the book.
So now the judges go up to Katjana and Caesar's table and Katjana's like, Caesar, come on. It's okay. You come out. No, you don't have to hug my leg. It's okay, Caesar. The judge is here. They're your friends. They're going to be critical, but they're your friends. He's like, I'm afraid of ladies eating bread. She's like, okay, I'll talk to Gal. I'll talk to Gal. So guys, welcome. We've got pad thai glazed tenderloin pickled mushrooms. We have pea flour powder. So pea flour pickle. Like, I mean, I know I do pickle daikon every single time, but I do it well. So shut the fuck up and eat it.
Okay. Okay, wait, what was that, Cesar? Hold on. He wants to whisper something into my ear. Okay, hold on. Okay, sweetie. All right, I'll tell them. He says, enjoy. So they ask if they've ever had royal Thai cuisine, and Cesar's like, no, but I love the idea of it. I mean, it gave the chef a little room to be creative. Terrified. We were terrified. Creative, though.
So they sit at the table and Kristen's like, I feel like these little punch-out flowers are kind of becoming Katjana's signature, sort of like her version of a vest. And Gail's like, they are, but you know what? She's getting her money's worth with that stamp. Wow, just sort of like you with your Burlington Coat Factory Groupon. Right.
Well, that's fucking delicious. You know, a lot of fucking texture going on here. I mean, it's a little sweet, but whatever. It's no beaver soup. I'll say that. It definitely feels like they took a lot of inspiration there. Like, there's a lot of variation of flavor, and I'm getting so many layers with the nuts and the chili and the mushrooms. That little pickle, the palm sugar, it's very tasty.
Wow, there's just so many nuts and tiny pickles in here. It's almost like Padma would marry it if it was 80 years older. Am I right? Nice try, girl. Okay. You're still failing even when I'm dead. Yeah, it's good. It's a good dish. It's a good dish. So then now a chef goes up to Padma.
Henry and basically Henry and Schwa's mentor goes over and they and they like it so that's nice and now we go to Vinny and Lana's table and the judges go up there and he's like yeah it's a karma suture chicken yep just like the book like oh my god I'm going to strangle this man
And he tells an older guy, he's like, so have you ever been to New York, sir? And Gail goes, Vinny, you know that this gentleman's daughter lives in New York, right? It's me. That's my dad. And my little brother. This is my family. The dad's like, that's why we're standing away. So that's why we're standing so far from her. She smells, right? Dad, wait a minute. Take off that balding cap. Padma. Padma.
It's a ghost in a disguise. Yeah. And this disguise was designed by my dear friend Dakota Fanning. What? Just go with it. So they introduce their karma, etc. And he goes, yeah, like the book.
So he goes, you know what we did? We made it with love. Right. Am I right? We made it with love making. Yeah. I whipped this chicken thigh with my dick a few times. And that's how we did it. Sex book. Yeah. Chicken thighs cooked down in a base of cashew sauce and caramelized onion and tomato sauce. And then we decided to ruin it by throwing on some curry hollandaise. Because why not? Doesn't make any sense. But it's an homage to something that has nothing to do with this challenge, which is my time working at the Nomad.
And that's the thing. If you're going to do a Hollandaise, let that be your sauce. Like, why are you doing all these sauces and then adding a big old gloppy Hollandaise on top of that? No. Yeah, exactly. And I feel like also, to be honest,
A hollandaise sauce, sure we enjoy it on our Eggs Benedict, but I think generally speaking when people think of hollandaise sauce, it feels kind of retro. So that you're going to throw this sauce that I don't think people get very excited about hearing hollandaise. Hollandaise has not had that nostalgic moment where you say – it's not that it's like bacon moment where it's like everything's better with bacon. No one's saying everything's better with hollandaise at the moment. Like even mayo has sort of had a moment, but hollandaise has not. And he's not jumpstarting that moment right now either.
There have been better days for holidays. Am I right? There you go. So, and also he takes credit for the whole dish. He's like, okay, well, we've done this and we've done this because Nomad, Nomad, Nomad. And that's what I learned at Nomad. You're welcome. And then Lana's like, oh yeah, but we also topped it with sunflower because I love edible flowers. I was like, great, Lana. You just saved yourself from death with talking about loving edible flowers, which is also very 1990s, you know?
I know. I'm like, you're here, why? So then the judges eat it, and Sarah's like, well, I mean, I love the chicken skin, right? I mean, who doesn't love taking an animal, pulling off that skin, frying it, and just eating it all day long? Well, my chicken was cooked well, and my first bite was really, really nice. Oh, really? How's your hundredth? I guess we'll find out in about less than a minute. Stop eating the plate, too. So Tom's like, no.
I expected a little bit more from Indian food. I'm just gonna say it. Sort of like, I kind of feel like Indian food is kind of like my son. I just kind of expect more. Maybe I'll just never get it. Yeah, look, curry hollandaise, I packed about as much punch. I mean, come on. I mean, they put a blanket of everything over this kind of like not super flavorful hollandaise. It's like covering bad with bad with bad. Well, it's like about when Gail learned layering.
Listen, I'm all about experimentation. There was one time I fried up a skunk cutlet with some Old Bay seasoning. Didn't work out so well, but I appreciated the ambition. This just isn't working.
So Kristen's like, "But, you know, it was an homage to the story, right?" Because Tom's like, "Well, I don't know why you need rich hollandaise when you've got a rich sauce. I mean, what's the point?" She goes, "Well, you know, it's paying an homage to a story of Nomad." Gail's like, "Well, the story has to work with the dish, right?" "Well, the dress has to work with the figure, too, Gail, but that never seemed to matter to you."
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So Bailey is talking about how it's her first time outside of Last Chance Kitchen. She's acting like she literally was in the sequel to Room. She's like, I'm finally let out. They let me out of Last Chance Kitchen. And she's like, I'm really happy with it. I just want to keep that ball rolling and keep the momentum going. And the idea of winning a minis back to back is almost too good to be true. So then the judges go up to Shwai and Henry.
And they present a rose caldo with a roasted pork curry, caracari, and some fermented pickles, yada, yada, yada. It looks delicious. And it reminds me of... You know, like rice. I was so poor growing up, we literally grew up on rations. Oh, wow. That's all I've ever asked from Gail. Really. She won't do it. That's both rations and growing up. So then...
I mean, Gail's only had two dresses and she's still here. Just kidding. I love stories about poor people. Can these poor people please win? They've just talked about how they were poor. Fun fact: Gail uses kanji as a conditioner. So, let me taste this poor people food. Mmm, tastes broke. You win.
Disgusting. Anyway, I'm going to go to a three-star Michelin restaurant in heaven. It's called You're Not Allowed In. So Sarah's like, well, you know, I loved him talking about family, rice, his life, being poor, et cetera. But, you know, I mean, it tastes like something I would eat with my family. Now, if anything came close to beaver soup, this would be it. I wasn't poor when I made it, but I could have been. How's the meat cooked for you, Tom? He's like, oh.
It's okay. Gale goes, it does, it just tastes a little, tastes a little dry. Wow, Gale, stop talking about your hair and tell us about the food. Am I right? There's a lot in this tiny little bowl. Gale, you're eating one of the chafer dishes. Someone please take this away from Gale. I've already told you about reasons. Could someone get Gale an ice cube? I think she burned her tongue on the bare metal. No, no, no.
Well, they've got the sour part down. Like Padma. Sorry, Gail. Nice try. But the condiments are interesting. You know, I mean, there's nice little things happening here. And for the record, Gail, the sterno does not count as a condiment. So, you know, this really burns. Yes, Gail. I told you.
So now the judges go to Bailey and Tristan's thing, and Tom's like, Oh, Bailey! She's back from the dead, and she's smiling! Must not have met Padme in the afterlife, am I right? Hey, of course she didn't meet me. She's not famous enough. Sorry! Gonna hang out with Kurt Cobain now. I saw her in hell, but I don't talk to four eyes. I'm gonna...
I'm gonna go hang out with my favorite comedian. Please welcome my dear friend, comedian Abraham Lincoln. So, Abraham, how would you feel about being in Top Chef? Do you think you'd have a shot? Wow, I really have learned so many lessons from my dear friend, Ali Wong. Sorry, Abraham. Penny for your thoughts.
Stupid. It was funny. So Bailey's like- Took me a moment there. "Wow, Abraham. Hey, hey Abraham, maybe next time you should get a lawyer, preferably from Netflix. Think about it." So Bailey's like, "Yep, me, back from the dead. I'm really thriving, right?" And Tom's like, "Well, you know, Tristan looks like he's just out there on a Sunday afternoon hanging out with the grill. Huh? That's a dad. That's a dad right there. I used to hire somebody to do that at my house. Tristan? Huh? Did you?"
Tristan's like, well, if I had sandals and a beer, I'd be in a good place right now. But technically we did bring in your sandals for you, but Gail unfortunately ate them. So Bailey's like, we're doing grilled octopus. Yeah, he made Kalamata caramel to glaze an octopus. I don't know if I want to hear Kalamata caramel. Does that sound good? It sounded great to me. I think sometimes they just make up words. I don't believe that. So is this a sugar that has been caramelized and then they add Kalamata to it?
For some reason that just sounds great to me, because I love Kalamata olives so much that I'm pretty much down for them with anything. What I'm less down for is her saying, "Yeah, it's a glaze, the octo." It's octopus. Yeah. We're glazing the octo. This is New Bailey now. The old Bailey would have said octopus, but New Bailey says octo. And then I did a green olive honey relish. I'm just making relishes in the way that I love. Yeah.
So now the chefs eat that. And the sir's like, well, octopus was fucking great. I mean, it was cooked well. It was really crispy. And I had this really chewy and the best way by it. I wish they'd really fucking gotten that octopus, asked how it felt eaten out of an eye before they cooked it. But you know what? You take what you can get. You know what? There is sweetness and saltiness from the caramel. And then the reason that the reinforcement of the olive and that olive relish that Belly made, that was just an amazing olive relish.
Gail loves olive reinforcements. That's why she puts them in her bra. Don't hug her too tight. Hug her too tight, you're going to have some extra virgin on your hands. In more ways than one.
Okay, so Kristen thinks overall they did a good job, blah-de-blah, and now let's go to judging. Well, first, you know, people are waiting for judging, and they're talking about how they're feeling. And Shway's like, I was in the bottom last week. I just don't know how they feel about me anymore. And Kat's like, I feel like we're making it really, really hard on the judges. I mean, I kept tilting my head different ways, and Tom was like, how do I look you straight in the eye?
I was like, I don't know. Things are throwing them off. So might've won this one guys. Watch out. Watch out. I think all the judges really liked it when I made a little radish stamp and put it on all their lapels, made them feel special. Radish stamp. Flower stamp out of the radish, I should say. Let me articulate that. So Tom, there's judges table and Tom's like, you know,
so that's you're thinking of katarina this is cat the lady oh you're right sorry uh let me let me let me check that confused i was like she has a stamp too i think let me take that from the top i feel like we made it really hard on the judges when we made little nutella sandwiches and put them on their lapels fixed it yeah
Not to correct you, I just got confused. I was like, wait a minute. Please correct me. I've had a disaster. No, no, correct me. Well, it's Top Chef. Do you not remember the first five minutes of this? And also, it's our first time doing a full Top Chef recap, and I still don't know these people's names. I have the cast list pulled up on my computer so I can look up their names, because I don't know anybody. I also feel like it's just not fair to have a Katarina and a Kat on the show. I'm sorry, a Katanya.
Catania, right? No. I thought it was Katarina. Am I wrong? Probably. I'm not saying anymore. Whatever. She's a blade. She's a Katana. No, Katiana. It's Katiana. Katiana. What was I calling? Katarina. Katarina Vitt. Katarina Vitt is on the show, everyone.
The point is that we also just had- Katiana. Sorry, Katiana. I'm a loser. It's not your fault. Love your cheekbones. We also had like three days in a row of intense travel. So, you know, we're allowed. Oh, there is no excuse. I'm going to do it. I'm just- It's Passover, guys. I haven't had risen bread in all of like 12 hours. That is rough. That is an excuse.
So, thankfully I'm a Christian. Jesus multiplies bread for us. Yeah, ours just gets thinner. Thinner and flatter, like cat's bangs. We have the cat bangs of bread over here right now. Well, guys, you know, it's always a tough challenge when you go into a kitchen for a small period of time.
You try and take their knowledge, but I have everything considered. I thought it was really good. Lots of little pickles. I mean, I don't know. I'm barely here this season, so whatever. I don't know. I'll say something's good, and then five minutes later, I'll say it's the worst piece of shit I've ever eaten, as I'm going to do in this judge's table. So, let's see. And I'm grumpy. What can I say? I'm grumpy. My whole thing this season is I'm grumpy, and at least no one agitated me by putting hollandaise sauce on a perfectly good Indian dish. Oh, wait. I'm grumpy again.
So, Kristen's like, "Oh, blue team, Bailey and Tristan, and purple team, Katya and Cesar, you had our favorite dishes of the day. Congratulations." And Sarah's like, "Yeah, Tristan and Bailey, can you guys tell me about that Kalamata caramel? That sounded crazy. We liked it anyway, but like, Jesus Christ, what the fuck was that thing?" So, they did take Kalamata olives and coupled them with garlic, caramelized sugar, and a little bit of Greek honey.
I don't know. It just sounds like the sugar would have burnt all of that other stuff, but I don't know. I don't know how they made it. But they won, so, or they were on the top, so I don't know.
I think that was the point, actually, because I think they wanted to sort of accelerate the charring. And Tom's like, yeah, I thought it was really clever making that caramel. Much more clever than my son who came up with something that he calls a screwdriver. Well, congratulations. Anyway, it helped with the char, but it still gave us that briny flavor as well and really simple. It's all about the Greek food and you kind of have to lay back, you know?
Like Patrick says. You let the cuisine guide the dish. Unlike Gail, who lets cuisine guide the car. Unlike Gail, who lets Charleston Jews guide her entire day. I looked through Gail's car history and the only thing in there was McDonald's over and over again. Wow. Good job, Gail.
So Cesar's like, "Well, the tenderloin was marinated. I'm sorry, is that okay?" And then it was seared. And the idea, "I hope this is okay." We sliced it thin and then we served it cold. Don't hit me. Don't hit me. Well, I love that the beef was just marinated and seared. I mean, I love all those little components. They were just like so much texture. It was so playful. It was just so beautiful to look at. It's like the time my husband accidentally chopped his hand off and sauteed it. And you felt bad he didn't get his hand back, but it was fucking delicious.
Gail loved the funky, sour, sweet, spicy balance. It's just so vital to royal Thai. And they loved it. And the winner, Sarah gets to say, she's like, I just want to tell you guys, you know, don't cook for anyone else. Okay. You're going to go much further being true to yourself than trying to manipulate it to make someone else happy.
Which is why I made possum bites. I made possum poppers for one of my finale dishes. And look at me, I'm doing great. Anyone want some tarantula stew? It was a little out of the ordinary for me, not really for my region, but I thought it kind of reminded me of some of the furry critters I like to cook up. You know, I had all these people saying, aren't penguins cute? And I said, they sure fucking are on a sandwich, which you can eat in my restaurant right now. Come on by.
Anyway, the winners, Bailey and Tristan, yadda, fucking da. And so then Kristen is like, Bailey and Tristan, congratulations. You just won another immunity for the next illumination challenge. Welcome back, Bailey. And Bailey's like, I just want to say I thought your words were great. And I don't think that's how I was cooking on Last Chance Kitchen. But then being pushed into that made me just refocus and recenter and just be cooking the food that I've – yeah, yeah, yeah. I already gave you your monologue. You don't have to say it back to me. Cook what you want. Yeah.
I said don't cook to please other people. You also don't have to kiss other people's ass to please people. Please move the fuck out of the way. So they went. So now here's the bottom. Yellow team, Mossimo and Paula, Henry and Shuey.
Oh no, they're safe. Sorry, those people are all safe. So the bottom are Kat and Corwin. And stupid. Sorry, continue. Kat and Corwin and Vinny and Lana are the bottom teams. A-done. A-done. A-done. This is what I like. One thing I like about Kristen when she judges, when she starts criticizing, she starts playing the piano on the table. So she starts, her fingers are all on the table and she just starts like, she's like playing some chords, some like soundless chords and she's like, okay, alright.
All right, Arntzschimm, let's start with you. What went wrong? So Corwin's saying, "Well, we both wanted to do a baklava dish and we love salt cod, so that's why we decided to not do a baklava dish or use salt cod at all." So bizarre. They even bring up salt cod again. What are they doing? So Kristen's like, "And were you breading them to order?" And he's like, "Well, we did it the day of, so we made our base and then we let it marinate overnight and then we just did the breading the morning of."
And Tom's like, yeah, that was very gaily. Good one, Tom. Damn it, Tom. So Kat's like, yeah, I mean, we were concerned about overworking it, which is what she kept saying when he kept adding more panko. She was like, yeah, this is going to be too much. So she kind of tries to stand up for herself, but ultimately she went with it. So, yeah.
Yeah, I mean, that binder, it was just really wet. Yeah, it's like when Gail was in middle school and got pushed into the school pool. Her binder was really wet. It's like when I tried to do the ice bucket challenge with Gail at that hotel we stayed at in Milwaukee. It wasn't like the time I took Gail. Hey, ice challenges never end. It's like I told Gail, hey, Gail.
Why don't you bring in a binder full of all the things you ate yesterday? It was so big, I chucked it into a water fountain. And the binder got wet. Okay, not my best word. What do you expect from me? I'm dead. I'm dead and I'm hanging out with all the dead celebrities. There's so many more famous people in heaven than I could have ever imagined. I saw Maureen Stapleton.
So Sarah's like, well, did you do anything to fix the fucking, you know, did you do anything to the fish and shrimp before you put it in the fucking vat of bread? And Kat's like, well, we seasoned the mix with quite a bit of salt. Tom goes, um, that's before you formed the cake. Sarah's like, well, that makes sense. You know, salt leaches liquid, right? Do we all know this? Salt gets the fucking liquid out. Okay. So maybe you didn't use it. I mean, I don't know. How'd you want it to turn out? You fucking idiots. You ever salt a squirrel before? Come on.
Question. I feel this could be totally wrong. I kind of feel like if you had cod and you're trying to emulate the salt cod texture, which I know nothing about, and this is just a question. That's why it's a question. I kind of feel like if you want something that's going to be firmer and flakes apart more easily and is saltier and you don't want to worry about liquid issues, why don't you just cook the cod, like salt it heavily and cook it so it's firm and then put it into your batter? Why are you putting the raw cod in?
Did they put the, they're making it sound like it would probably be rubbery if they cooked it and they, and then they fried it. But I was thinking, why don't they put it in like a tofu strainer or something, you know, or some kind of strainer and weight it down and take all the water out of it. Or why don't they just do literally any fucking thing else? Like if they wanted to make like a baklava.
Like, why don't they do like a Boquerones Baclavá or something like that? Like, Baclavá would not be hard. And then there's plenty of other Portuguese fish they could go to, you know? I don't know. Yeah, it was a sad one. This was a sad one for sure. So then they move over to Vinny and Lana. And Lana's like, I mean, we kind of discussed it. You know, it was like an ode to a dish that he'd done at Nomad. So that's how we did the chicken. And Vinny...
Gail's like, "Um, can you explain a little bit about what I have in my cereal every morning? And by that, I mean hollandaise. Can you explain that?" "Wow, Gail, you just roasted yourself." "Well, I'm not going to let you take 20 minutes to do it every time you have something to say." "It was too bad, because I had a lot of good hollandaise material, Gail. You got me this time." "Yeah, if Gail was in a movie in the '90s, it would have been called 'Hollandaised and Confused.'"
I heard that Gale was jealous she couldn't do the Mrs. Doubtfire thing and stick her face in a bowl of hollandaise and say "hello!" One time Gale dressed like Mrs. Doubtfire for Halloween and it was actually an improvement. I lit her on fire. So Tom... I said, "I doubt there's a fire that could handle Gale."
So, he's like, well, part of this was to put myself into this, you know. I hold it near and dear to me, you know, because nomad. I hold nomad so near and dear to me. So, it was my thing, you know, because nomad. So, that's why I did it. You know, nomad, nomad. Okay. He's like, I saw a saucy chicken and I instantly thought, okay, I'll do that. Just because you see a sauce does not mean you reach for the hollandaise. Okay. That's...
The problem is, part of it is, you know, you want to do the stage, you get the information from the cuisine, and yes, we want to see yourself in the dish, but what we're not getting, the Indian flavors in the dish. And that's where I thought it fell short. I'm grim. And then Kristen asked the obvious question, which is like, why would you put hollandaise over a chicken that was already heavily sauced with like three other sauces? And he's like, um, has different, it didn't taste like Nomad. So this tastes like Nomad. Okay. Well, you're welcome.
Kristen's like, okay, everyone, I will call you back in a bit as she hits more keys on her desk. And then the chefs go to the back room and then they do that thing where they have to be deprecating. Because you know that like some of them don't think they're really going to get eliminated, but they have to say, well, guys, it's me. It's been great knowing you. Great. Thanks so much. Vinny goes, keep cooking the food you don't like to cook and it'll get you far, chefs.
I'm like, wait a second, dick. I don't think that's what he said. I think he said, keep cooking the food you like to cook and it'll get you far. No, he said don't like to cook because I remember watching it and being like, wait a second, because at first I thought he said that. Then I was like, wait a second, and I thought I'd hear that back. He was being sarcastic. He's like, well, everyone, apparently you're supposed to cook the food that you don't know because that's going to get you far in this competition. Because he's saying, oh, I cook the food that I know and I love and now I'm going to get chopped for it. It's like, no, it's not.
Not that you cook what you know and love, it's that you made a terrible pairing of hollandaise with Indian food. Yeah, you're trying to shoehorn Nomad into everything instead of standing on your fucking own, Vinny. Okay? So Lana's like, I mean, it's so sad because we work so well together. I mean, he let me put sunflowers on things. It was really a huge moment. It was a great collaboration.
So, back to the judges' table. Kristen's like, well, when we look at these four people, two teams, no one did a terrible job, but two of them are just going to go home. Vinny and Lana? No, no, no. That was just very little Indian flavor in that dish. To that I say, no. Only this didn't work. It didn't work. Okay. So, um...
Sarah's like, yeah, you know what? You're looking at a top chef. You're not looking for a top work for a bunch of people and now I'm redoing their dishes. Fucking blowjob on a plate. You know what I'm saying? Why don't you just serve us licked asshole next time? All right. Who the fuck is this jackass?
This is a great reference to, it's called Top Chef, not Top Scout, but a much better version. This was so good. And we need it. This is what we need. And I think that, look, Kristen, I think is doing a decent job on the show. I think she's doing decent, but she's not entertaining me the way, and no one's going to be Padma. I get it. I'm not saying like, bring back Padma. Okay, I get it. We get it. And Kristen really hasn't done anything to be fired. So I don't think they should fire her.
But seeing Sarah in this, I'm like, this is the one that I want to see on the show. Because this is the kind of brutal honesty we need on the show when there's a bunch. When I said at the beginning of this recap that they're so far up their own asses, this is what I need. I need someone who's like, I don't give a fuck if, you know, Balood fucking made this. I don't care, bro. Like, what do you do? Who are you? Are you anybody outside your little plastic world? I need someone like Sarah. You know, I need her. Bring Sarah. Yeah.
And I agree. And this is my issue with Kristen, too. I think Kristen's awesome. We've always loved Kristen. And she has the frame of reference on all the... She has a culinary frame of reference that totally makes her qualified to host a culinary show. But the truth is, we're a season and a half...
into Kristen's tenure and like I still have a hard time defining what her personality is beyond nice. And I think that's actually a real problem. Whereas Sarah immediately has so much personality. She has like defining features and like she has a POV that's more than that she's hot and knows food. And so while I love Kristen, it's hard for me to like fully embrace her as like the figurehead of this franchise because I don't, I need more from her.
And I just haven't gotten it. And I've tried to. I've tried to find something about her. But Sarah's the future for this show. Yeah, I think she's a strong judge. But I just need a strong personality as well. Strong judging is not enough. So Gail's like, well, you know, the dish that Cat and Corwin made today was not an issue of conception. It was execution of Croquette.
Wow, why don't you just fucking hang it by its balls, Gail? Jeez. This is the first time Gail has ever suggested executing a croquette. Execution of croquette is also her fashion style. So Tom's like, yeah, it was watery and mushy and just not very good. Again, Gail's fashion style.
I would like to remind everybody that during the initial tasting, Todd was like, "Meh, it's a good fish dish. It's just not very interesting." But now he's like, "No, it wasn't good." I like when Tom changes his mind at the end. He's like, "Nope, someone's got to lose, so this sucked. These people should be taken out the back and shot. This was terrible."
Tom was like my mom. We go to a restaurant and like if I take if I take my mom to a restaurant in L.A. and it's it's pretty good, but it had like some flaws. My mom was like, no, it was good. It was good. You know, some things were not as strong as others, but it was good. And the next day he'll be like, so what do you think about that restaurant last night, mom? Oh, it was terrible. The marinating, the marinating criticism. It just gets worse. So very good.
Yeah, Tom's like, that sucked. So, I think...
I think we have our answer. Let's get the chefs out. So Tom's monologues aren't even very good right now. Tom's just like, "Meh, you know, this was a difficult one for many reasons. Wet bread, you know, you try to find inspiration working in a restaurant and then try to work it into it. You know, a lot of complications here, double elimination. You know, my knee hurts. I can feel the cold coming now in my knee, which is weird. And I've stopped wearing as many hats. So that's where I'm at.
Yeah, I think that Tom really peaked with his speeches that season where they went to the astronaut facility and he had a whole speech about like, "This is sort of like cooking. You go up into space, you have an astronomical horizon. You're up there in space and you realize what you can cook. And you realize that the world is truly your oyster, and that's why we're going to do a sudden oyster challenge right now. And food, space and stars, that's what we all..." It was like the most ludicrous monologue he ever did.
And he's just never been able to top that. So now he's just kind of like, yeah, so double elimination. Rub-a-dub-dub, let's eat some grub. Okay, Kristen, next. So in this case, Kat and Corwin, please pack your knives and go, which is sad because I really like Kat. I really like Corwin too. And I was really bummed that they got eliminated over those croquettes.
I was not bummed. I think that that was unforgivable. Goodbye. Get out of here. I thought the sauce was more unforgivable, personally. Yeah. Kat's like, you know, this is where Kat's like, I was here for a long time. Even though I wasn't here for a long time, I was here for a good time.
And, you know, I hope I made everybody proud. And I have no doubt that even though we'll be competitors, we're going to have some fun in Last Chance Kitchen. Does anybody have little tiny scissors that won't harm anybody? Because I need to touch up. I need to touch up. Corwin's like, I'm a competitive person. I'm going to kick your ass. Bye.
So that was that. So we'll see what's going to happen with Last Chance Kitchen. But for now, those two are gone and the show continues on. Thanks, everyone, for being here for Top Chef Fun Times, as always. Yeah, we'll see you next time. Check out WatchWhatCrapens.com for links to our shows, our Patreon with our videos and bonus episodes. And we'll see you soon. Bye.
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