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What happens when there's so much that happens?
Well, hello and welcome to Watch What Happens. This is part two of a two-part recap. If you're like, hey, wait a minute, I didn't hear part one. Guys, it's because we put out a lot of recaps. Go back and listen to part one, okay? It's before this one. Bye. Enjoy the show. So Lana, meanwhile, is like, guys, today's a big day. We're keeping communication lines open. We want to have full access to my childhood pickle fridge, okay? And we're going to win as a team or we're going to lose as a team.
She says the most basic. She's like the Kristen of chefs. She's just like, guys, today is a competition. We're all here competing, but that doesn't mean that we're not a family because in kitchens are homes and chefs are families. Do we understand? Okay, guys, teamwork. Thank you, AI Kristen slash Lana. So Tristan is talking about his dish, whatever. And Massimo hit the...
His canolas turn out really well because, you know, the edit that he's getting, it's kind of like he's either going to be terrible this episode or great. But his canolas are good. So he looks happy. And he goes, he says, maybe you'd be clever if I do a little brunoise of fried potatoes, which is always like, no, don't add. Don't like everything's fine. It's always the person does the last minute addition on the day of that fucks it all up. You're right. That's what sent Kat and Corwin home when they added shit to their weird cod shit shit.
So then he's like, okay, I'm gonna do a brunoise. Like, no, don't do it. Your canola turned out well. And then it all goes up in flames and he's like, oh, and he covers it with a baking sheet. And he's like, well, you know, I threw some potatoes in a pot of oil without having strained the potatoes. Basically, it's how you build a bomb. Hmm.
Yeah, it literally explodes into fire. It's always some tragedy with him. It's so funny. So Bailey's like, well, you know, I'm not mad at Mossimo. I'm just disappointed. Wait, why is she disappointed? Why are you so disappointed? He caused a grease fire and you're the one who's making pasta for your dessert. I'm disappointed in you.
So Tristan, they're basically like shading him like Ricky Moo. Wow. You put wet potatoes into blazing hot oil. And I did tell you the story. I know I told at least last season that at the time I in high school when I like heated, superheated some oil in a pan and then threw in frozen spring rolls and the oil exploded all over the kitchen. And I was like that my cat was there and I was like, I pushed the cat out of the kitchen. I'm surprised it did not burn down the whole house.
We've all been there. When I worked at the bowling alley, when I was like 14, 13 and 14, they didn't really tell me how to do a lot of stuff. And I was the cook in the snack bar. Okay. And then my aunt's just like, I said, people want fries. And she's on the phone with me. And she's like, Ronnie, all you do is you take the fries and you throw them in the fryer. It's already warmed up. All you got to do is throw it in the oil. So she's like, you see the basket taken out of the thing. So I did. Well, you know, fries come straight out of the freezer. Okay.
Okay. That's how they work in restaurants like that. And that's what happens. They just explode. And I was like, oh my God, they exploded. She's like, stand back. Hey, fucking idiot. If there's a cat playing back there.
"Push the cat out of the way and stand back." - Yeah, she's like, "You literally stand away." I'm like, "They're supposed to do that?" She's like, "Yeah, that's how it works when water goes into a fryer." I'm like, "But then why do we put water into a fryer?" She goes, "What do you want us... Okay, Ronnie, take two hours to de-thaw the French fries out and dry them." I was like, "Okay." It's terrifying. - It's scary. - It's scary. - It is, but yeah, that's how you do it. - That's scary. - Turned out great.
I feel like talking about all this like frozen stuff in oil. I become my own inert Cesar after that spring roll incident. And I was just like trembling in the corner of the kitchen. Like, what did I do to myself? So they, Massimo's stupid. So he, luckily he actually decides not to use his terror potatoes because most chefs are like, well, I caused a bomb in the kitchen, but I'm going to throw those raw, but seared potatoes into my dish anyway, because I made them.
He actually is smart and does not. So then Kristen welcomes Danielle. Oh my God, everyone. Danielle, thank you so much for having us. So we have two teams of five. She tells them the rules and she's asked if anyone's not a fan of pickles. And Claire's like, oh, I love a good pickle. It's often the accompaniment, but not
But this time, to see the accompaniment come into the full star role, I'm so excited to see what this journey for the pickle entails. Yeah, that's what Gail felt the second I left. Sorry it's not working out for you. Gail! Oh, I'm just, you know, I love a good pickle. So delicious. But anyway, what are we having for dinner tonight? Surely not a pickle dinner, right? Why are you asking me?
Poor Gail. Always the pickles, never the sandwich. Am I right, Gail? Gail, get those cornichons out of your ears. Claire's here. We're trying to impress her. So, five, not much time. Time to plate some first course. So they're all doing that. And the first plate is cornichons.
So it's Massimo and Chouet at first. So Massimo, I was inspired by a true Montreal classic, me, and the steak tartare from L'Express, which is basically a place that sells very expensive t-shirts for women. It's the best in the world. So I made a hybrid classic French tartare with a deconstructed hybrid of a canola and a fried pickle.
You know, express is a good word to use for Gail. That's sort of her mode she enters when she finds out the Malamars are restocked. Ha! Comedy Padma. So one of the guest judges is like, um, is this a traditional Italian canola dough? Tell me, tell me about this imposter canola. And he's like, no, luckily it didn't burn or come apart because that would have been embarrassing. I'm not afraid to embarrass myself, as you can tell by my hair.
I'll tell you who else isn't afraid of embarrassing themselves. My son, becoming a mixologist with a world-class chef father. Doesn't want to just follow in my footsteps. That's fine. Just embarrass yourself. Seems to be fine with it. What's up with this new generation anyway?
- Well, one thing that kid never uses as an ingredient is pride. I'll tell you that. - Good for him. - Good for him. Just to not care. Just to not care. - You sort of have to admire it. I mean, you don't really have to. I mean, I don't, but someone does, I'm sure.
So Shuei is like, "I'm starting with a little hors d'oeuvre of fried pickled mushroom, tartare, Dijonais, you know, light things, mayonnaise-based things, deep fried things. But you know, the pickled fried mushroom, that's more the main thing. I mean, it looks small, but it's main. It's hors d'oeuvre. I mean, don't think it's like some big deal. I'm a bottom bitch. Am I on the bottom? Just tell me I'm on the bottom right now. I can't handle this."
His dish looks like someone literally chewed it and spat it back out onto the plate. I was like, this looks... I mean, I would have eaten the fuck out of it. But I was like, compared to... Massimo's was such this elegant little cigar, like the canola. It was just so structured and perfect and beautiful. And then Shuei's was just like... It literally looked like a giant...
piece of raw, like chewy meat that someone couldn't digest. Yeah. It looked like a brown chewed up piece of gum. And then with the, with the hunks, you know, the hunks of raw meat on top, it just didn't, it did not look good. And he goes, they're all kind of looking at it like that. So he goes, yeah, you know, I was looking for a trashy fancy feel, right? Right. Like fried chicken with caviar on top. So this should give you the same kind of vibe, even though it's not, you know, fried chicken or caviar.
Many of the good things. It's just other stuff. It's not Chipotle, am I right? So Kristen's like, okay, well, it's time to vote, which means you get to be publicly humiliated. All right, everyone, pass them down. Okay, with a score of six to two. Massimo, congratulations. You were much better than whatever the hell that thing was that Shwai served us.
And Massimo's like, "Privilege, privilege cooking for you guys." Boom! Ha! So the kitchen went right now. Okay, bye. So Danny's like, "Yeah, I voted for Massimo and you didn't shy away from the pickle and tasting the dough on its own. You know, you definitely got some of that acidity, you know, which is better on my..." Listen, here's the nicest compliment on my challenge, on my season. Somebody said, "Danny, this tastes like cheese." Remember guys?
Yeah. You know, you showed Mossimo, you showed a lot of restraint and balance. Unlike Gail's patterns today. Am I right? Yeah. Unlike Gail's patterns. Wait a second, Tom. You took my line. Gail's like, it was a beautiful dish. And Shway, your pickle fried mushroom had enormous pickle flavor. The tipping point for me. Oh, God. She's just writing them for me. Can I please come back to life? Yeah.
Gail's tipping point was taking her first step in the morning. Oopsie daisy. But you know what? It could have been presented in a slightly tighter way. Oh my God, Jesus Christ. She's writing me a welcome home book.
I'm just sad I'm a spectral presence. Otherwise, you could see me rolling my eyes and just nudging Danny and saying, this one, am I right? It's comedy.
All right, so next round. Vinny, can you tell us about your dish? And he's like, Nomad, Nomad, Nomad, Nomad. Okay, north of Madison? I don't know. It runs north to south, so how could that be possible? No, it's a restaurant. Nomad. I won, right? I've worked at Nomad.
He literally says, so here we have a pickle, which I can't, I hate the we, but here we have a pickled Brian Atlantic salmon. And this is probably one of the first dishes I put out at the Nomad. Shut up. There's like, Oh, any flashbacks Danny to when this idiot was cooking with you in that restaurant? He's like, no, I blocked it all out.
And he's just ass kissing again because Danny worked at the Nomad. So he's like, yeah, put this out at the Nomad. Me and you, Nomad brothers, right? Remember the Nomad? Yeah, high five Nomad. What?
Tristan's like, well, I have a charred mackerel with a half-sour celeriac vichyssoise underneath. There's a cucumber and a celeriac pickle au jus lié and some pickled dulce. And then there's some burnt pickles as well. I fucking hate everything about this dish. Enjoy. And they're like, wow, he hates it. So much better than Vinny's, though. Am I right? But then we see the dish and I'm like, that looks nice. But those were a lot of fancy words. Half-sour celeriac vichyssoise. Pickle au jus lié.
Pickled Dulce. I'm like, girl, come on now. You're over fancying this. But it's still a good and I want him to beat the fuck out of Vinny. So I was okay with it.
All right. So it's time to vote. And we have a full sweep here. This one actually got eight votes because Zusser Lee came back just to vote to say that he did not like Vinny's dish. So a bonus anti-Vinny vote from Zusser. That's really remarkable. Never had that happen. But on the bright spot, Vinny, you did get half of your dream term. No. No.
Okay, go back to the kitchen. Thank you. So Vinny, just don't want you to think about this too hard, but you are on the team that is going to win, but you will have the worst dish on that team. Okay. Yes. Yes. Welcome Vinny to his new restaurant. No, thank you. No, thank you.
We're welcoming him to his other new restaurant called I Am Mad at How Crappy This Dish Is. Yes, mad. Yes, mad. Yes, mad. Tom loves Tristan's wild ideas. And Matthew's like, for me, you know, you take a super humble ingredient like kale to execute something like that. I mean, that is unbelievable. Unbelievable.
Like leaving leftovers. Unbelievable. This is one of the best things I've ever had. I can't believe how delicious this is. It is absolutely, truly wonderful. And Vinny, I enjoyed the plate you selected. That was a nice shape.
Yeah, Tom said it's the best thing he's ever had, I'm sure. So then in the kitchen, Tristan's like, full sweep, guys. And Vinny's like, well, I get no votes today because I suck. So now it's one to one. Luckily, I got the rest of my team to hopefully bring it home because not one of them has worked at Nomad.
So then we cut to Henry and he's like, yesterday I spent all my time making all these beautiful garnishes and pickles. And now I just have to finish the short ribs. And it's a very simple process. I'm going to take all these garnishes that I slaved over and they all taste wonderful. And all I have to do is take them and put them on my dish, which is already ready to do. Very easy. What could go wrong? Yeah. Meanwhile, Cesar's ice cream is coming along. It's like, let's just get weird, right?
So Katjana has Shwe try her dish and it has too much acid. And she's like, "Well, oh God, I have a security blanket, thank God, tofu." So I decided to add the squeezed tofu and fold it into the cucumber porridge. Oh no, I didn't realize watching this, it's a last minute tofu. - Last minute, yeah, last minute tofu.
- Tofu needs so much work to be decent. Like let's face it, nobody's like, you know what I want raw tofu. No, you need to work the tofu. - Excuse you, when you have something that is full of flavor as a cucumber porridge, tofu just adds magic to it. - Wow, last time God found something bland and added a bunch of tofu to it was Gale. Am I right, tofu? Tofu Gale?
Cucumber porridge, also known as a spa day for Gail. She slathers it right on her eyes. Oh gosh. She's like, well, you know, it's a little soft, but I figure I like crumbled tofu. So I like that texture. No girl. No. Okay. So she's up against Lana. So they start with Lana and she did a seared scallop. She's like, I brined it in dill pickle. You know, the dill pickle liquid is the, you know, the sauce is dill pickle, beurre blanc. And on top of that is a grilled pickle dill relish.
So that was good. I believe in us. You know, I just want the judges to remember that we're a family and we're a team. So also I brought this Polaroid camera. I thought we could all take a photo together and my mom could put this on, on my pickle fridge at home.
um so katyana did a roasted dilly cucumber with dill pickle and smoked claim vinaigrette or clam vinaigrette and some potatoes that have been poached in the pickle brine and then this is when you know she's done something wrong because tom goes uh the porridge is made with what uh-oh that's tom's way of saying this is fucking crap
I just ate one of those things in my entire life and now I gotta eat this weird pickle porridge? No, thank you. Also, just another fail is just using the word porridge in a meal. Nobody wants that. Nobody wants it. I'm sorry. There's no way you're going to say porridge and people are going to be like, oh my God, that's great. It's like the shit they serve you in jail. You got to use the French word. The French word is bouillie. Bouillie. Bouillie.
- You gotta say, it's a cucumber bouli. Cucumber bouli. Then it's like, oh, it's a bouli. It's not a porridge, it's a bouli.
And she says, yeah, this was made with cucumber seeds, but they were pressed overnight. Who cares? They're still cucumber seeds, you know? So Kristen's like, okay, by a vote of seven to one, Lana, congratulations. Okay, does anybody want to admit to voting for Katjana? Did you make a mistake? Who did that? Who did that? Was it you, Claire? Absolutely not. I would never do such a thing. Gail, was it you?
Gail's like, well, I enjoy a pressed cucumber seed. What can I say? So Tom loved the winning dish, but Danny is like the porridge on the bottom muddled up that whole dish. I mean, if you would have left that off, I think that would have been completely different. You know, unfortunately you didn't. So it sucked. You suck. Bye. You suck. You're terrible. Bye. Wow. Take your pressed cucumber seeds and get the hell out of here.
So then Katiana is not feeling great, but like, whatever. She's just going to focus on helping the team win. So Shua is like,
okay, well, now that I've served them a chewed up piece of dog food, why don't I just take every dish I see and throw it in the garbage? No one needs these things, right? Oh my God. He thinks he's being helpful, but he's in that frantic, I fucked it up for my team state. So he's not thinking straight. That's what I suspect. And he's going to clean off all the mise en place, all of Katya's mise en place, so that way it's going to be easy for everyone else. But what he doesn't realize is that Henry's like, wait,
that's my mise en place i knew something was wrong the second he goes well i guess i'll clear off katyana's because it sounded like kind of rude like she left her station dirty and i was like well that's weird i wonder if there's going to be drama that they left that in and henry's like uh yeah you just threw away my mise en place he goes oh my god and he's just like i just threw away his entire dish oh jesus why would you do that why were what were you thinking sir no overactive cleaner
And Henry's also already fucked anyway. You know, it's Henry. So he's like, oh my God, he just threw away my entire mise en place. No. He's like, oh, I thought it was Katiana's because there were plates that were on a counter and I just assumed they were Katiana's. I had no good reason to think they were Katiana's. He's like, no. He's like, I just want to go out to a whole. I was stressed. When that happened, I was like, I don't know what happens. Like, that's terrible. Yeah.
Yeah. So he's got some daikon and he's got some short rib and he's got some sauce. So that's good. So he plates what he has. But yeah. So they go serve and Paula's sorry. Go ahead. No, I was gonna say he just looked poor Henry. He looked so sad. He was just so crestfallen. He was like,
- So Paula's like, "Okay, I've grilled octopus with a spicy pickle chimichurri with braised pickle beets and some serrano peppers." And they're like, "Okay, Kristin Henry, what did you do with the spicy pickle?" He's like, "Um, braised short rib with fermented collard greens and spicy pickle foam." - And Danielle, whoever Danielle is like, "And how many hours did you cook the short ribs?" He's like, "I cooked it in the pressure cooker for 30 minutes and then I cooked it again the last hour and a half." And she's like, "All right."
Great. You made a foam and a short rib. Congratulations. Okay, so time to vote. And if the purple team takes this, they win. So, Henry, if your dish is really, your dish is the difference between your team losing and someone going home versus staying. So no pressure, Henry. No pressure, Henry, because you did just service a dish that looks like it's topped with a nuclear waste spitball. So that's for sure going to go into this. It's time for a commercial.
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- Okay guys, let's vote. Let's vote. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Seven to one. Who's the one person who keeps voting for the shitty dishes? - Who is the dissenting voice? Every single one has been like this, with exception of Vinny. Vinny is the only one who had like a unanimous, "No, that was garbage." - Yeah, but at this point there's someone fucking with it. - Someone's trolling. - So Paula wins that one and Claire's like, "Oh God, I thought this was just such a wonderful expression of the pickle."
You really layered everything beautifully. It was like a harp playing, but the harp's music was all pickles splurting out at me. It was just gorgeous. Symphony. I actually really like what you did, Henry, but I wasn't getting a pickle enough. Not enough pickle here. And Chris, whoa, that's the first time Gail's ever said that. Normally she's got plenty of pickles. Normally she does these judging while she's still got a pickle hanging out of her mouth. So...
Gail saying not enough pickle. That's what she also tells Starbucks every time she gets a cold brew. Wow, Gail, you're not talking to your bathwater.
So Paula can tell her team that they all won, but they are still gonna taste the last dishes. So Shuei feels terrible, of course. And Henry's like, "I lost it for the whole team. None of us is going home and I feel embarrassed. I feel sad." No, no, now one of us is going home. I feel embarrassed. I feel sad. I should have taken this with my pickle foam. - So he goes off to the corner. He disappears and comes back with bloodshot eyes. He's like, "I cried in the bathroom like a civilized human being."
I know I feel so bad for him. But I can't feel too bad for him because he did make a pickle foam. That's unforgivable. Yeah. But it felt like this was actually a dish that he could have turned the corner with. Like his streak of bad luck could have ended here and it didn't. So Cesar is his ice cream. It's time for the final bread and butter pickles. So
uh kristen's like bailey uh tell us about your bread and butter not dessert pickle dish really pasta is the final course really thanks a lot thanks a lot for this i can't can't wait to have a nice heavy pasta now so bailey's like um i had a really fun idea to make a ricotta filling with the pickle and red wine braised beef ragu and finish it with a little uh you know bbgr and uh parmesan fonduta you know just oh great thanks love that love that as a dessert that's uh
When I go to Carvel, I'm like, please give me a ricotta and pickle and red wine braised beef ragu sundae. Thanks so much. And Kristen's like, yeah, in terms of progression, what were the thoughts about ending on a pasta? Well, you know, Padma told me that Gail ends the night sleeping in pasta. So I figured why not give it a go? Surely maybe it'll work here.
Okay, fine. Caesar. And Caesar's like, I did dessert. I have a curd made out of pickling liquid and bread and butter pickles and deli ice cream and bread and butter pickle. I'm just scared for my rutabaga. I don't know if I turned the road light on before I left for this competition. It's like, yeah, you know, the chart has mustard power. Don't hit me. You know, that'd be great. Just don't hit me. And Gale's like, have you ever made anything like this before, Caesar? And he's like, no. She goes, hmm.
You know when Gale acts like she's going to be mean? She's like, hmm. Hmm. So Tom's like, well, has anybody ever made anything like this? Because I know one person who hasn't. My son. Oh, but here's something he has done. He's made a pickle back. Congratulations. You put pickle juice and whiskey together. Congratulations. You really invented nothing new. So Caesar wins this one hands down. He wins unanimously.
And Tom's like, oh, Billy, you know, it was a good dish. But, you know, this one was out of this world. You know, the curd, beautifully made, really smooth. It just has the right amount of sugar. But the pickles, whoa, the pickles really come through. Whoa. Oh, God. Mmm. God. Mmm. Pickles. Pickles. Wow. Pickles in my ice cream. Who knew? Who knew? You know, this is just that. This just reminds me of that old adage. If it looks like it's got curds, terrible. But if it is a curd, wonderful. Yeah.
Why are you reading Gail's marriage vows at the judges' table?
So, um, so Cesar's happy and, um, and now the chefs leave, they talk a little bit about it. And Kristen's like, overall, I think the chefs got creative and there's always, you know, these really exciting moments. Uh, not with Vinny, of course, really boring there. That was like the most boring moment of the entire season and also last season. And I'm talking about Wisconsin. His was the worst moment of between this and Top Chef Wisconsin. Think about that. Anyway, there's one or two times during the course of our dining where you're just like, you know, excited. Yeah.
So basically the two best dishes are from the green team, which sucks because the green team lost. So now what do we do? Don't don't on. So Kristen is like, well, the purple team won this challenge. However, it was a great showing and Tom's like, well, if this kind of level of cooking continues, the finale is gonna be pickled. Am I right? All right. There were two dishes that were probably some of the best dishes I've ever had on the show.
Tristan and Caesar, sorry, you can't win. So go stand over there. By the way, Tom loves doing that little tease. I mean, if this level of cooking continues, we're going to have a tremendous season. If this level of cooking continues, we're going to have an amazing finale. I mean, if this level of cooking continues, I mean, the Oscars are going to be great this year.
Okay, so Danny's like the winning chef tonight gave us a dish that highlighted the pickle incredibly. Unfortunately, didn't use cheese. So that was weird. But it showed a ton of technique. And, you know, like, let's stop fucking around. It was Mossimo. It was Mossimo. Claire's like, Mossimo, you were like poetry written from pickles. You were pickled poetry. God damn it.
Unfortunately, we've already decided that you're not allowed into the James Beard house because we don't want you burning it down. So just enjoy this jar of classics and be honest. But I would like to announce that we've renamed the James Beard house to the James Pickle house. Just love with pickles now. Pickles, the new art.
That tartar, first of all, was an excellent tartar. It had flavor. It was seasoned well. It really delivered. And you really integrated the pickle on every level of that tartar. Yes, Gail. Unlike the tartar that's on your teeth, which is a lie. It's funny because Gail integrated the tartar from her teeth onto the tartar of your pickle. Crazy.
He's like, well, thank you. Because you know, I was throwing an arrow at you with the L'Express Tartare. She's like, yes, I know. Oh, really? Did you add a marshmallow onto that arrow? Because Gale really went for it. Gale's like, I know. I felt it. It was a Cupid right to my heart. It might as well have been a decently cooked egg. Really appreciate that.
You've seen a million Tartars. You know, this was something completely new and different. Possibly even better than Lick's Breast. Because, to be honest, the only one who likes the Lick's Breast Tartar is Gale. I know, right? Thanks, Tom.
Back me up on that one. So, I'm so proud of my team because we worked as a cohesive unit. Go ahead, Lana, say it. As a family. Right. But that means the most is what? Tom gave me a compliment. Oh, my God. These things more than victory. They're more than victory. Potato bomb. Potato bomb.
All right, well, congratulations, Massimo. You just won immunity and Claire has a special prize for you. Yes. The James Beard Foundation gives you the honor of having a Starbucks card. Please enjoy. Five dollars. This was a weird one there. She goes, as a winner of this challenge, we would like to invite you to take one of our coveted spot at the James Beard Chef Boot Camp for Policy and Change. All right. A boot camp for policy and change. What the fuck is that?
I love this. They're going to come to this boot camp. It already sounds ridiculous. All right, everyone. We are here at this very important and prestigious boot camp for policy and change where we are going to enact policy and change on a global level. Over here, we have Govind Anand, whose restaurants have revolutionized the space and the distance between food and impact. And over here, we have Massimo, who made a really good pickle. I'm top chef.
It's just such a shitty award to win. Like, oh, wow, I get to go to the boot camp for policy and change. Do I put that on my resume? Like, no one wants to see that on my goddamn LinkedIn.
Yes, I can't wait for Mossimo to be an ambassador to making a global impact on this level. Girl, Mossimo just got soapy water all over food last week because he was running with a fucking bucket of soap water in the kitchen. Okay? Like, I don't want him in charge of policy and change. I know. He's like, oh, I can't wait. I can't wait to be in a stuffy hotel ballroom somewhere listening to lectures and watching PowerPoints about how...
This shittiest award ever. This is the shittiest. He got... Can't even pretend he's excited. He's like, wow, that is so generous. So no money? Nope. Policy and change. Okay. You can pay for your own hotel. Okay. There's no food allowance. We give you money. It's just change. About 75 cents. So...
Chris is like, all right, um, green team, you lost the head-to-head competition. So, uh, you can come here. All right. Okay, let's start. Henry, you had the spicy pickle. Did your dish turn out the way you wanted it to turn out? Excuse me, how many times do I have to tell you? Here, let me show you. Did you mean for your food to be so terrible? No.
Henry's like, no, I mean, everything was going really well for me. And then the last 10 minutes I, and he keeps looking over at Shui to say something who's terrified over there. He's got like teary eyes and he's not saying anything, which is super shitty that no one has said anything yet. So he's like, I just,
lost my mise en place and Kristen goes, what? Where did you lose your mise en place? And he goes, still nobody says anything. And he goes, into the garbage can. And she goes, whoa, into the garbage can? What kind of fucking moron are you? And finally Shuei's like, I was trying to be helpful and clean up and I didn't realize that those garnishes were actually Henry's garnishes. To be fair, they look like trash. So...
To be fair. And I say this as someone who served a dish that looked like chewed up food. And so Kristen's like, oh, so what was missing? She's like, um, dill puree mixed in with some of the dill pickles and daikon that was braised in the pickle liquid and some more pickle liquid. And then three more items that I pickled. And I took, I found Caesar's bedroom rutabaga and I pickled that one too. Sorry, bro. But like I had to do it. So it was really. All right. Stop. Stop just listing off items in Gil's wardrobe. Sorry. Yeah.
Ghost, ghost, ghost, ghost Terry Garr gave me that joke. She's a comedian friend of mine. More of a comic actress. So Gale goes, well, that explains everything. And Tom's like, yeah, because you know what we were missing? Pickles. We missed it. We missed the pickles. That's like every supermarket after Gale's been through it.
So Danny says, look at the sauce. I taste a little pickle, but the braised short ribs could have been more tender. So he did also fuck up his short ribs, by the way. So then. And also, by the way, like use like it's nice that the garnish has brought all the pickle, but like the pickle should have also been inherently part of the star of the star protein, you know? Yeah.
So now they move on to Katjana. And Kristen's like, "So when you plated that and you looked at that, were you thinking, 'This looks a little bit curdled'? I mean, what were you thinking?" Here, let me revise that. Katjana, how was today for you? Because you gave us a plate full of vomit. Katjana, did you mean for this to look like a discarded liposuction bag after a surgery?
So Katya was like, "Well, the porridge, I thought it'd be nice to have something smooth and creamy to balance it out, and like acid and crunch." So I was like, "Hmm, let me add a lot of crunch to this." So naturally I reached for the tofu. Yeah, soft tofu. That's how I did it. And okay, it was a little muddled looking, and Claire goes, "Yeah, that didn't translate. It felt a bit puzzling, you know?"
What I've learned today is pickles should speak to me, and they often did, or sing to me, or gently soothe me to sleep. This did nothing but confuse me. And I'd hate to say this to pickles, but pickles, you confused me today. The good news is we've taken your curdled mess and we've made it the first bullet point for our boot camp for policy and change. How to never have this dish ever appear in front of a human again.
All right, Massimo, your boot camp is already over. Just don't spread it around. Don't do this. Don't be like this idiot. So Tom's like, well, you know, the question is, what's the best thing for underneath that dish? Because you have these fresh flavors and there's a creamy thing and it looks broken and it didn't have a good texture. It just didn't work. I mean, it's just like my son. Didn't work. Never. Never did. Never will.
all right, Shwai, how did your dish turn out? He's like, I think it turned out pretty good. I was thinking about, you know, pickling another, one other, like I want to do like a one-biter mushroom steak tartare as hors d'oeuvres. And Danny's like, yeah, the way you described it as like fancy and trashy, I think you understood that perspective. Mainly the trashy part, leave off the why, just trash, which is, you know, well, I'm assuming why you served it the way you did. Like, so did you put it in your mouth and then directly onto the plate after that? I'm just confused about that texture. Yeah.
So was this, did you eat the pickle and then regurgitate that possibly poo it out? And then you put that on a plate or yeah, I'm just trying to figure this out.
Which end did it come out of? And Kristen's like, okay, I don't want to really think about that dish anymore. So we'll call you all out in a bit. Thank you. So I think the pickle really did come through on the mushroom itself, though, you know, since it was topped with pickles. So that was good. The way that you put pickles on it. I really tasted the pickles in that topping because they were right. Yeah, I really tasted the pickle when you served us the pickle. Yeah.
So then Lana's like, are you okay, Schwa? You're incredibly quiet. Sort of like my parents when they had to give up their dream of a flat screen TV in order to fund my pickle refrigerator.
Now that said, we did spend a couple of years watching Charlie's Angels in the refrigerator. So that wasn't so bad. Except the pickles warmed up a little bit. But, you know, I just turned to my mom and I said, Mom, I want you to remember this. We may be watching a tiny television in a new refrigerator, but we're family. We're a team. We're going to watch this show as a team. And if later on I have to take some pickles out of this jar and reenact what happened...
in a puppet, in a pickle puppetry moment, I will do it. - Pickle puppetry. - So Lana's, you know, so basically Shuei feels terrible.
He's like, I really feel like I screwed my teammate. Yeah. Especially when you didn't say anything until you absolutely fucking had to, dude, that was crazy. Like you should have said something much sooner. I don't know when I would have run out there and been like, I just didn't suck this bad. I fucked him up. Sorry. Yeah. I would have just started that, but he's like, yeah, I feel like I screwed my teammate. I was like,
You know, I'm really glad that he feels that way, that he feels like he did that. Because guess what? You actually did. You actually did. It's actually not not a feeling. It is a fact. You screwed him over big time. Well, it's sad, though, because he didn't mean it. You know, it was an accident. No, I know. You know, it was manslaughter. It was pickle slaughter. Leave no pickle behind. Yeah. So you don't have to win it to still go to prison. OK. Yep. Well, you know, had Henry completed his dish, this may have just been the winning team.
So he just, I just want to say when Henry watches his back and he realizes that he could have been the hero that saved everything. And this could have been a turnaround moment for him on the show. Uh, he can just think about that and know that that just never happened for him because of Schwein. Yeah. So,
And he's like, yeah, but you know, why? Like, I think we all agreed that that was still a good dish, right? So this comes down to Henry and Katiana, you know, Henry's dish was completely out of whack, which we understood why. And I can under, I can sympathize with him, but at the end of the day, you get nothing for nothing. And the short rib was still tough. And the, this is the dish he served us is still sucked. That said Katiana's eyebrows. I just, that said,
"Katiana did serve us a pile of curdled mess. Porridge and tofu." - So Tom's like, "Well, you know what? Pickle aside, pickle aside. Okay, let's put the pickle to the side, okay? It's normally how pickles are served.
You know, chefs, sometimes we come into a time where pickles are served as a main course and we think, "What? Pickles were on the side." So pickles aside, if he had cooked his beef properly, I think I would have actually voted for his dish. I would have voted for it. Well, obviously, Katjana's cucumber porridge did not work. Wow. Didn't stop you from licking the bulb, Gale. I'll tell you where it did work. It's way down your throat, third helping Gale.
Really? If you didn't like it so much, why'd you freeze it into popsicle form for a quote-unquote treat for later? So funny, because one time we were trying on bathing suits on an on-location shot, and I said, Gail, that suit doesn't work. You look like porridge. And now here we are all these years later with Gail not in a bathing suit talking about how porridge didn't work. I mean, you just can't win with this woman. Yeah.
- As my dear friend Ghost Joan Rivers said, "Who are you wearing?" And she said, "A pickle." - So Tom's like, "Yeah, you know, I mean, it's Katjana's. It didn't taste good at all. And the texture of that was really bad. And if Sway had just thrown out that cucumber porridge, I mean, that would have been great. You know what? If you're going to throw things out, throw out the things we want to be thrown out. For example, why is Padma here?" - "Gail's still sitting there? Why is that, Tom? Finish the sentence, Tom."
I'm a ghost, I hear everything. You can't talk behind my back, 'cause I have no more back. I'm just around. And Gale's like, "Also, Katayana's was really cucumber flavored and it was not pickle forward. There is a difference. When I request pickle forward, I mean I want pickle forward. I want to see a marching pickle. This was not pickle forward."
Pickle forward. Also the way Gail talks to her food when she wants it to come to life and go to the refrigerator on its own. Or as Gail's first ever love mate described himself, pickle inverted.
Well, even as a cucumber dish, though, I wasn't enjoying it. If you put those two plates in front of you now, I'd still take the short rib with all its flaws. I agree. Like at one point, Gail was like, well, she had cucumbers with pickles on top. But let me tell you, cucumbers are cucumbers, not pickles. Pickles are pickles and cucumbers are not pickles.
And apparently Burlington Coat Factory is not Versace. Just look at Gale. So they agree that the shitty short rib was still better than whatever the fuck Kachiana served them. So they bring them out and Tom's like, well, you know, chefs. Pickles. Am I right? We have them at barbecues. We get into them sometimes when we've got tough choices ahead of us.
But at the end of the day, you get nothing for nothing, and you can always count on a good ol' crispy pickle. Is it Vlasic? I don't know. But I can tell you this: a pickle is always classic. Unfortunately, you guys sucked at 'em. Terrible fucking pickles. Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. I would sooner eat a dog poop covered in chocolate syrup than eat one of your pickles. Goddamn, that was nasty. Okay, I hope that was poetic for you, Claire.
Oh, it was poetry right in my ear. You just said pickle a lot. I basically just left my chair wet. Thank you. Thank you for having me, everybody. Kristen. Uh, Katjana. I'm sorry. It's great that you've been on this competition. You now always have to know that you lost to Henry on something. Please back your nerves and go. Katjana, last week we thought you were going to be the winner, and this week you served us bullshit. So...
Thankfully, you won't need knives to use soft tofu. Please pack your knives and go anyway. Bye. As a parting gift, we got you this shipping order from Suzer Lee's next cookbook due in eight years.
Hopefully it won't take you as long to get the copy of Pickleberry Finn I just sent to your mailing address through snail mail. Goodbye. Tom's like, well, you know, we'll sleep in Lestron's kitchen and, you know, just cook from your heart. She's like, yeah, I did. I used my security blanket. That's like literally the most cooked from the heart I could be. My heart is made out of soft tofu. What the fuck am I supposed to do now?
I think I deserve a place back in this, okay? If I'm not on this show, who is going to represent a nice little puffy vest, okay? The porridge was not broken, but it was clear they didn't like it. So I ultimately decided just to stay quiet. I think cooking-wise, experience-wise, I think I deserve a place. I cannot believe I lost to Henry. This is just too much.
Yeah, her exit thing was a little weird. Like, no, you don't deserve it. You just served a shitty dish. Like, everybody agreed that it was a shitty dish. Sorry. So you don't deserve it. Although I still am rooting for you to win. I think she's going to go to Last Chance Kitchen. She's going to win and she's going to come back and she saw the chance to win this whole thing. I think she'll win. I think she'll come back into the competition because she was too good. She was killing it. Like, it was her and Tristan. Oh, sorry, Tristan. I just made you go home next week. Oops. Sorry.
I was about to say, Tristan's going to go to the finale. Tristan's going to go to the finale, but I may have just cursed him. Well, let me see here, because I think that I've written down who we picked to win this whole shebang. It's here somewhere. Ben, okay, so you picked, for the top three, you picked Shuei, Katyana,
and Vincenzo. And I picked- - How terrible. - I picked Zubair, Katjana, and Massimo. So I've only got one in and you've got one in. - I think I had one in. I remember I chose Tristan as like my fourth, but we limited it to three. So I didn't, I remember I, Tristan was like borderline for me, but that's a failure on my part that I put Vinny at the end. That's not right. - He seemed like a winner. He hadn't said Nomad 5,000 times at that point, you know? - I know.
I know. So what are you going to do? But anyway, everybody, thank you so much for being with us. Go get tickets for our Texas shows in May as well as our Vegas show in May over at patreon.com slash watch what crappens. And that's also where you'll find links to our Patreon, which is where you can watch us on video like we are today and get all of our bonus episodes. We sure love you guys. We'll talk to you next time. Bye.
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.
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