#2812 Below Deck Down Under S03E12: Because I Said Sous
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Hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker and joining me today is Ronnie Kerm. Hi, Ronnie. How's it going? Well, hello.

Hello, it's Below Deck Day. Are you excited? Yeah, it was a good one. Yeah, it is a good one. Guys and gals and those in between, we have three more dates left on our Mounting Hysteria Tour. We are going to Austin on May 9th, and then we're going to Dallas on May 10th. And then on May 15th, I believe, we are going to Las Vegas and

So please come and join us at those shows. They're going to be so much fun. We've had amazing shows all tour long. So let's go out with a bang. Okay. Um, go to watch what crap it's.com to get your tickets. That's where all the links are on the details, the times, everything like that. And then, um, uh, also join us on Patreon, patreon.com slash watch what happens. You get access to our bonus episode this week. We're going to do a trailer trash, uh,

And then also, our crap is on demand. We can watch us, not just listen. So go check that out. Do it. That's it. That's it. That's all I have to say. Nice work, buddy. Nice work. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. All right. Here we are with a little Below Deck Down Under. Or if you shorten it to B-D-D-U, it's B-D-D-A. B-D-D-U. B-D-D-U. B-D-D-D-U. B-D-D-D-U. B-D-D-D-U. B-D-D-D-U.

So that's too many Ds. So here we are. It's the second day of charter. It's at 6.57 a.m. So we know things are very dramatic because it starts on a 7.00.

And the crew is getting prepped and Alicia's texting Johnny. And it's interesting because he's got such emotion that she can text him and then she can hear his response as like a slow beating of the cabinets. Yeah. It's that Morse code. It's like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. It's like, what does that mean? Siri, tell me what this Morse code means. It's like.

It says, shusha, shusha, shusha, shusha. I have so much emotion for you. I cannot handle it. Shusha, shusha, shusha. You're beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Yeah. So she's still texting with him and people are, people getting ready for the day. And Zarina is asking her to get some cream cheese and salmon out. And Alicia is like,

a bit distracted because I guess she's lovestruck and she said that Johnny's not there. But also she sort of has her head in the clouds most of the season anyway. So she's being a little slow and you can see Zarina's getting mad. She's like, all right, so you can put out that salmon. And she's like, yeah, but what platter should I put on? The same one we use every morning, Alicia. Have you had your coffee? Please tell me you've had your coffee.

She's like, but what do you want the fruit platter on? She's like, the same platter as you use every goddamn... I'm starting to see where your sister was coming from. I've got to say. Yeah, seriously. So then Laura is struggling coming in and out on the deck because the doors are not working. I mean, Laura, I guess. And then Adair is like, good morning! Why did you get me to sleep? And...

Nick, Nick is saying he's going to help with the slide and everything. And I love Nick. Nick is so great. I love his, I love, I love the hot nerdy thing. It's great. Great combo. Yeah. He's going to get the slide and it's like, all we need to do is the slide, the naughty boy, get the swim ladder in. What time did you get to bed? By the way, Nick, he says six 30. He's like, Oh God, looks like everyone had a lot of fun. Didn't I? Didn't I? And then we see a flashback.

of Nikita telling Nick he has to take a shot. So Nick has like hot nerd guilt. He's just walking around like, oh God, what do I say about this? This is going to be absolutely humiliating to mommy and daddy, but I've got to do it. I must confess. I must confess. Yeah, he's in a real quandary here. He's like, well, I know that Captain Jason drinking on Tata is an absolute no-go and there's a reality where I just don't bring it up and I leave it in the past and I try to do better.

but it's not the right way to go about it. Oh shit. What would have happened if there were not TV cameras around? He would have murdered that girl who saw him. What's her face? He's like, we have to talk about this. Bree. He would have murdered her because you know, that look she gave him when she was taking, he was taking the shot. It was like wide eyed. Like, Oh,

no, he's taking a shot. I must communicate this. Boom. That shot right there meant you're dead. Like if this was a lifetime movie, she would have been over the side of that boat for two seconds, but it's not. So she got to live. Yay. So it's 9, 11 AM too soon. And the guests are waking up for breakfast. And Jason's like, all right, everybody storms coming in, storms coming in, watch out big storm coming in.

Jason looks very bored this whole season. I mean, you've got a storm. I feel like Captain Sandy would have everybody awake. She'd have Ike, Mike, and his cousin Larry up. She'd have everybody like, guys, guys, wind, wind, wind, wind. Everybody gather around the big screen in the bridge. Wind is coming. Yeah. I mean, it's like a full-on storm. He's acting like it's just like a buoy. They saw a buoy in the water. It's a storm. That's scary. It's dangerous. Flying around outside. Whatever. Helen Hunt's flying in front of the boat. Whatever, everybody. Let's just gather.

There was a wide shot of that storm. It was like this wall of storm that was just coming towards the boat. I was like, why is no one panicked right now? This is very scary. It wasn't. Just deep thoughts. So Zarina is telling Lisa to clean something. And then...

She tells Marina, she radios Marina to come for service. And this is actually a smart thing. I think Laura is still an asshole and she becomes more of an asshole today. But this is a smart thing in never giving somebody what they want, because once you do give them what they want, they act like, oh my God, I'm so lucky. She's like, Marina, Marina, can you come help with service? She's like, oh, fuck yeah, let's do this. We're doing service today. I'm service. Yeah, fuck yeah. Like she wants to go to work now so bad because she gets the chance to put the forks out.

Yes. The big fork placement moment. So meanwhile, Lara is talking to Adair about... They're going to a rum tasting later. And so she's sort of arranging it with Adair that Lara and Adair are going to go and then do galleys. She's arranging the whole day's plan. And Jason's like, so who in the interior is going? And she's like, it must be me and Adair and Sheffy probably. He's like, well, why can't you put Marina in charge? And she goes, well...

she can't do service on her own. And then it cuts to Marina literally doing service on her own, serving breakfast. Like, can I help anyone here? Yeah. Especially when it's the picnic. Like, it's literally uncovering salads and letting people serve themselves. I mean, Laura...

So she's like, well, you know, she's never done it on her own. I mean, she's very good at housekeeping, turns out, which is a nice surprise. But how much can we push that? You know, she'll have a nervous breakdown any moment I see it coming. And he's like, well, you know, we don't want to change it up because it works so well. I know. But mix it up anyway. Do it anyway. She goes, oh, God, just maybe I just thought maybe it's not as formal as I thought, you know, so maybe she can handle it because, you know, formal. She doesn't have blonde hair, you know, or the makeup that I require.

I saw a theory in the comments, which is where I'm getting that, that someone was like, I think that she doesn't want her up there because she doesn't like, um, like put her hair back and makeup every day. I thought I never saw that coming, but maybe it is like a Faye thing. Cause remember Faye was like that on, um, below deck great adventure or whatever, where she's like, yeah. All right, girls, here's what I believe in service, hairspray and lipstick.

Yeah. I mean, the truth is that Lara, you touched on it right there, but like Lara is kindest to anyone who has blonde hair and like anyone who does not have blonde hair, aka Marina and Zarina. So it's a, it's a, it's a dual theory. You have to have blonde hair. And also if your last name ends with Ina, she's like, not gonna, she's not gonna mess with you.

So Jason tells us, Laura's such a great leader, but being a leader is also letting people strive and grow. As you might notice, I'm letting the storm grow right outside, right now. So this is, you know, just a picnic set up, you know, so Marina could handle it. But...

She's still not trusting of that. So what do you can't tell me? I'm sorry. You can't tell me that the captain of any boat cares about whether or not Marina is on service. Like this is purely a, uh, like production was like, you have to advocate for this because it's the storyline that we're pushing. I don't think any captain cares about,

how the chief stew delegates her staff. I think most captains are like, well, put them in the positions that you think are strongest. And then like, I'll leave it up to you. So the fact that he's getting involved in this does not like, it does not ring true to me. It does to me. And here's why, because I think it's the halfway point of the season or is below deck. So it could be the quarter point, no knowing, never knowing how many episodes they'll have in a season, but he's, it's to the point of the season where he's starting to see things that are glaringly obvious. Like one, he's

He saw V-Han way too late. And I think he's like, okay, well, maybe I should have seen that sooner. And he's also seeing that things are still not completely peaceful there. And I think he's realizing, like the audience is, is that Laura's just an asshole. And I think he's like, that's not cool. Like, you had me not liking this Marina chick because she was like too casual and this and that. And I yelled at her for being too casual. And then I found out she was kind of cool.

And now you're just still not giving her away. And she's always working and she's kind of cool. Why are you being a dick about it? And she's like being a real stickler about letting her do anything. And I think now he's like, you're an asshole. So stop being an asshole. I don't think he really cares about the service. I think he's just trying to get to the bottom of why she's an asshole.

Yeah. Well, maybe he feels a certain duty of care ever since he had his conversation with Marina and was like, what's really going on with you? And she was like, I'm just stuck in the bowels of the boat all the time. But I just, it's still surprising to me because I just, I just feel like he just, I feel like most people just wouldn't care, you know, like,

If you're good at folding the clothes, you're good at folding clothes and make yourself still complain about it. Like you're part of a team, yada, the whole, the whole thing. Right. So, but maybe he feels guilty from that conversation. One, he's also a man who's expanding, you know, he's not like, listen, I'm not just a man who runs into docs anymore. I'm in a man who runs into docs when you can see his dockers because he's wearing his own designed kimono. That's right. So,

So, Lara goes up to Marina and is like, do you feel confident doing the rum tasting? You'll be on your own doing service. You'll have to do something very complicated, okay? You're going to take the tinfoil with your fingers, clasp the tinfoil with your forefinger and your thumb and pull back.

And that will reveal the food. Are you able to do this? And she's like, I feel confident. And she's like, are you sure? She goes, yes, I'm confident. You can believe in me, coach. So she's like, all right, let me talk you through it. All right, listen, here's the pictures. This might look like potato salad, right? You can't touch it. Do you know why? There's a covering on top. The covering is see-through. That's because it's made out of plastic. Do you understand? Have you ever heard of this? She's like, I get it. I fucking get it. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. Um, so, but they, Marina does act like she has been like, she's going into the front lines of a war. It's like, well, our entire nation relies on you Marina to serve this potato salad. So Zarina is, um, she's telling Alicia to cut some crudités and then, you know, uh,

Harry is bonding with Nate. Nate is the new bosun, for those who forgot. And so Harry and Nate are bonding in a very Australian way, where Harry's like, well, Nate was the head of science! And then Nate's like, oh yeah! And gives him a high-five. Harry's like, well, why'd you give me a high-five for that? He's like, I just love high-fives, dude! I need to make it clear, I'm the daily high-five creator!

So, I'm not sure what to think of Nate yet. He gives me kind of Australian Ned Flanders vibes. He's got hotness, but he's a dork. Not that Ned Flanders was hot. I mean, listen, it depends on your taste. But he's got kind of a dorky thing, which I kind of like. Like, his eyes look...

He does this thing where his eyes look kind of unfocused, like he's not wearing his very thick glasses. And I say that as somebody who used to wear very thick glasses. Mine wouldn't get like that. I think that he's got like a nerd element there, which we're not seeing quite yet. Yeah. Yeah. Well, there's something kind of like he's there's like a golden retriever aspect to him, you know, it's literally golden. He's literally golden. He looks like kind of like Ryan. What's his face? Yeah.

You know, from the Barbie Gosling. Ryan Gosling. And I'm amending from last week. Because last week I said he reminded me of Detective Quimby from Inspector Gadget. But now it's like if Detective Quimby worked out and then started to look like Ryan Gosling, I think that's what he looks like. But he has the enthusiasm of like a camp counselor, which is not what you'd expect from either of those characters. And it's just sort of hard to reconcile all those concepts together. Yeah. Yeah.

So then Alicia is singing to herself not to take life too seriously because, you know, it's been very difficult. Serena was mean to her about a fruit platter and a salmon platter and told her to get a coffee. So she's had a really rough morning, you guys. It's like...

It's like hell working for Serena. So, Lara comes in and she's like, "Oh, look at you, making a fruit tray. Well, when I think of fruit, I think of a strawberry for you." And she's like, "Do you? That's so nice!" She goes, "Yes, because you're always bright and you know it's nice to always see a strawberry, isn't it?" It is. And you know you grow in soil, which is poop, and Serena can be that.

you know, just keeping you back here mired in poop. But still that little shiny part, everyone wants to just pluck you and take you out of the kitchen, don't we? Serena is so angry at the back of the galley, just watching this entire interaction happen.

And she's like, okay, I don't think I can have two people from this department go to this rum tasting with the timing that we have. We'll be leaving this place an absolute shithole. So, you know, we can't go to this rum tasting. And I was like, well, no, but there's no heads of departments there. She's like, yeah, but I don't want to leave the galley. She's like, but if it's just washing up that you're concerned about, we could do that while you're a guard. She's like, no, it's not just washing up. It's just, well, I mean, a head of department has to be there.

If you're concerned about that department, why aren't you there? Why don't you take an air off? And you go. Yeah, you go. A head of department does not need to be there to sit there and watch him eat chicken salad. Okay? Or send the chief what's-his-buns. Chief, you know...

The one we were just talking about, golden retriever face. Get him to go. Why does it have to be the one with the hardest job? It's just bizarre. Lara's bizarre. And I think she's trying to fuck with her. I think she's trying to make her look bad by being like, oh, she had to go and then she's going to have stuff late. And then she's going to be like, well, there's Serena always getting stuff in late. There's the manure chef. You know how it is?

So she's like, all right, well, Serena's just giving it. I actually don't think it's actually as intentional as that. I think she's like, well, I don't want to go.

and the bosun's not going so that'll be serena has to go and that's just how it's going to be like i think that's what laura thinks like because someone has to be there but i've decided it's not going to be me and so she's just like well that's it's just the way it's going to be serena and serena's like what the fuck like it doesn't have to be that way and i would have liked serena to have advocated for herself and say why don't you go why don't you take a day off and you go also alicia you go etc she's like i she should say i have to cook stuff here you know

Well, but she sees what Laura's doing and I think she's got a very good call on what Laura's doing, which is really butter up the other chef that's in there and makes her ring. I'll look like an asshole, which he does. She's like, look at you, my bright little strawberry, which you are like Laura. Laura doesn't talk like that to people. Laura's an asshole. So I think she's very smart when she calls it out. She's like, yeah.

I see what she's doing. She's coming in here to make herself look like the good guy and me look like the bad guy. And I think that Zarina probably is looking crazy to a lot of people by thinking that, but I think she's right. I think that is what Laura's doing. So she's like, I'm just going to keep pushing her. I'm just going to keep pushing her. She's already on the edge. It'll be fun.

Well, so I think that, yeah, either way, Laura- I mean, basically, look, here's basically where we're at right now. You give Laura the benefit of the doubt and I do not. That's just the opposite of where we're going to be.

No, I give her, I just give her, I don't, I don't, I'm not as full conspiratorial that she sent Zarina to the beach picnics. That way Zarina would flop. And then Zarina would, well, I'm not sure. I just think it's, I'm not, yeah, that's, that's where I'm at. Everything else. She's pushing her. I think she's purposely pushing her. Cause there's no reason that she needs to be there. That's just silly. There's no reason whatsoever. Yeah. And she is, she's doing some sort of like weird divide and conquer thing.

So, um, but Zarina, the problem, the problem with Zarina though, is that she, like me, sometimes can't help but cater to her dark side, which is uncontrollable passive aggression. And so she, Zarina, instead of saying, no, why don't you fucking go? Zarina's like, it's fine. It's fine. I'll go. I'll go. I'll go.

So that way she, and so this way there's no reason for her to go. And she should have just said, I'm not going to go. She's had a department. She's as, as much of a right to say that I'm not going to go. Right. She's playing into her hands. Like I'm looking at it like she's playing right into her hands because now she's getting pissed. And so she's going to start being moody. And then, then later, Laura gets to go, Oh my God, look at Serena. Always moody. Look what I have to deal with everybody, which is what she does. So, so,

No, it's a total cycle. We see it happening. Yeah. So Zarina is just saying she just doesn't want to go there. But it's easier to just do it than to argue with Lara, which is funny because...

That fight over the plate for Mob Night, that really seemed to just destroy them, huh? I can't take it. I can't take another argument with her. The way that she railroaded me about white plates for Mob Night. I can't do it anymore. It's just constant. It's like the timing of the food, the this and the that. That was just another tick on the box. That was just another box tick for that one. Oh, by the way, for those who, for those, we have a correction to make.

Zarina did prepare the fish last week. Table side. I know it's a, it's an issue of, it's a big discussion. Yes. That was my bad. Yes.

So, we follow the sword. We follow the sword. No, that was me. You were not wrong. I'm not falling on a sword. Here's what I'm doing. I'm moving the sword over and I'm going to say this. Stop leaving swords in the middle of the road for me to fall on. Okay, so remove the sword and I won't have to fall on it. I will not fall on it. But I am sorry. That was wrong. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Krappens commercial.

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So Harry is immediately, he's not the one to tattletale, but Lara goes to the person she knows will spread the shit, which is Harry. So he's like, what's happening down there? And she's like, oh, just tension today. Lots of tension. You know, Serena. And he's like, what's wrong with her? And she goes, I just don't know. You know, it's just Serena and her crazy personality. Doody, doody, doody, doody.

So then everyone gets to the rum distillery and Alicia and Zarina are on their way. And it takes a very long time to get there. And in the meantime, we see Nick. He's struggling. He's having an internal struggle because he knows he has to fess up to the captain that he took a shot last night. And he's like...

Staying out of your own head is a lesson that I still have yet to learn. I'm not the most experienced person on the group by very far. Actually, my dad got me sorted in yachting. He's always been very adventurous. He was my professional windsurfer, then kite surfer, then just land surfer. I don't know how he did that, but he surfed on land. He surfed everywhere. And now captain in the med. And I've never known someone to listen to as few rules as he does. That's the type of person I want to be. Unfortunately, no.

I am the opposite of that. So that was his backstory, which by the way, his dad, we see pictures of his dad. What are the odds that his dad gets recruited into the below deck franchise as like a captain of a boat? I kind of felt like this was a setup for something, right? That would be great. He's a captain in the med. You're hired. Let's see what you can do. Yeah.

I would love to see any man at work who produced this handsome nerdy fellow with a deep voice. Bring it on. Bring it on, daddy. So now Laura and Adair are setting up the picnic and the guests are going to the rum distillery. By the way, I hope these guests choke on that fucking rum. You cheap Dubai bitches. I mean, how are you from Dubai and you're going to be that cheap? Dubai is like the richest place ever. They spend money dripping with money ever, ever. And you're like the shittiest tip ever.

on the entire season. Oh yeah. I was wondering where this was going. I was wondering where this was going. I was like, what was wrong with the roller? They tip shit. I was pissed. I thought you were,

- Yeah, that was a shitty, shitty tip. And they did so much for these people. People- - By Dubai bitches, I just mean rich bitches because you're from Dubai. How dare you? And I shouldn't even call you bitches. That's not nice. Dubai butt heads. How dare you? - You know what you are? Pieces of shit.

Yeah. You pieces of shit. Yeah, that's harsher somehow, but I'm still with it. There was no excuse for this. I hope your businesses fail because they're like, "Oh, we're such CEOs. Oh my God, Marina, Marina, you're like number 23 CEO today. It just came out in this article." She's like, "Oh wow, really? I didn't even know. My PR person who set that up didn't even tell me about that. Let's see some good dollars when we leave."

Yeah, that was a shitty-ass tip. Because it was not even just a... It was a multi-night charter. So, yeah. Terrible. So, congratulations, Contessa. You're off the hook from last season. No, this season. No, this season, I think it's the same. I think it was 15, right? Was Contessa... But it was Contessa on below... I think Contessa was on below deck sailing. Oh, I thought she was this season.

I can't remember. All I know is that there's a new bad temper. Maybe it was last time. I don't know. It's below deck. It's all the same. It's all the same. It's a boat. It's a boat. Who knows? Yeah, so Marina is excited. She's like, oh, I have an opportunity to be back on service again. So now I'm going to work my ass off. I'm a valuable professional. I'm too charismatic to be in a dungeon. Everybody's going to know how good I am. Look, put your napkin in your lap. Do it. They're like, oh, my God. Excuse me.

The most charismatic people are the ones in the dungeon. Hello. That's where they, that's why you get thrown in the dungeon. Cause you usually have too much charisma. Yeah. All the, all the great. We're literally in the dungeon of the entertainment industry.

I was going to say all the great martyrs in history, but also us. I'm one of the great martyrs in history. I literally compete with Jesus on Easter. I'm like, oh, wow, you rose? I rose to be here. Did you have to iron something? No, you didn't. You were a ghost. Whatever.

Listen, they don't make movies about people who are falsely put into a living room. They make movies about people who are falsely imprisoned. They're just more charismatic. That's what people are jealous. People are jealous and they're haters. Yeah, that's basically the Green Mile. Tom Hanks just wanted to get out to do proper dinner service. He was like, you know what? I'm here to put the fork on the proper side. It's the right side of the plate. And that's it. Yeah.

No, it's actually on the left, isn't it? The knife is on the left. Then he was sent back to jail. Green Mile Part 2. Tom Hanks failed at service. He had some charisma challenges. I wish I could think of other movies with dungeons, but I shockingly can't think of a single movie with a dungeon. I just think of Game of Thrones when they were in the Martells. Those people. I don't know. It doesn't even matter. I think of Real Housewives of Atlanta.

Talk about charisma in the dungeon. Charismatic person in the dungeon. Candy. She made a show out of it. Okay. So the tour guide, they're a show, you know, these turtles at this point, these turtles are like old show Queens. It's like, you got Joan rivers down there. You got fucking Mitzi gainer. They're just like, come on kids. Give us a paint. Give us a pet. Would you come on? We do this every fucking day. Just tell us how young we look. Yeah.

i love these tortoises they really are becoming a huge star um and then uh by the way something that was insulting talk about here's a here's a good uh support for these people being cheap so although maybe it would say that they're actually very wealthy i can't tell you you decide but uh the one of the guests starts using the rum as like hand sanitizer because it's like 69 alcohol or something like that which i kind of think is like

I just kind of think it's disrespectful to just do that at the rum distillery itself. It's like they made this rum, and they're probably giving it to you for free because it's on TV, and you're just like, not even going to drink it, you're just going to pour it on your hands and use it. Like, I don't know. I think it's shitty. Oh, I took it as them just like, we're just like fun girls. I know, it was. All over my body. And also, I don't think, I think they'd be thrown in jail for life if they did that in Dubai. They're just like, look what we can do. We're such rebels.

Well, I was like, does this speak to them being really cheap and that they won't get their own hand sanitizer or them being so wealthy that they don't care that they're pouring very expensive rum on their

on their hands and i'm just i'm gonna start with the ladder the point is assholes so marina is um tell she's like setting up the buffet which is very exciting and zarina is like all right here you do okay so wow oh i can't possibly do this without my head chef right spinach cool get asparagus there it is oh congratulations and red onions red onions we've done red onions yes you've you've got yes actually an apple you moron but whatever

All right, well, it's an hour round trip, so I guess I should leave now. It's been an absolute pleasure and definitely not a waste of my time to be here. Do you reckon the next time you can just do it alone? And she's like, I mean, yeah, I can take tin foil off. I know how to do that. But why are you acting like she's yelling at you? You know she's yelling at Lara. You were in the galley when Lara was insisting that she come.

well because now zarina is viewing uh alicia as like an extension of lara she feels i think she feels at this point alicia's already been brought over to the dark side she can't trust alicia and so now she's mad at her too which is kind of unfair right because this poor girl's just been trying to do her job even if she's had her head in the clouds she can't help it if lara's come over and called her a strawberry

So Serena leaves, and Marina asks Alicia if she's okay, and she's like, well, I mean, I know how to take off cling film and set up a thing. Jeez, why am I being treated like this? So she introduces the food to the ladies who probably smell absolutely drunk because they've been covering themselves in the rum. And Alicia's like, so here we have a goddess quiche and some stuffed figs and potato salad and pasta. It has all been...

Hand unwrapped. So then Nick radios to go meet with the captain. So he goes up to Jason. He's like, so last night on entertainment duty, the girls were having a good time and I do have to report something on myself.

one of them came over and said do you oh do you have a drink and i uh i guess i got very carried away with myself and myself and i did a shot and i wasn't insistent enough with myself and i i fucked up and i took a shot and i just want to let you know and firstly if you need to throw me overboard and feed me to the sharks i understand tell my father i love him very dearly he's like wow first shot not acceptable that's an issue

Now, listen, I have already been on the phone with Australian Norma twice, and I'm not going to do it again. You can keep your job. Thanks for being honest. Take a kimono on your way out. Goodbye. Just let me alone. I'd like to take a nap here. It's exhausting. I'm watching a storm on television. Goodbye. Leave now. So, yeah, he does a whole thing of like, well, but at the end of the day...

You know, you get nothing for nothing. But also, you know, if you know what you did wrong and coming up here doing this, this is exactly what I wanted of someone. So I think we could put this to bed. So good on you. You're honest. Yeah. It's like it will not happen again. That's not a normal thing for me. I'd love to assure you, sir. I'm very, very, very sorry. And if you're on the radio with any captains from the Med, just please don't mention this. It's like, all right, please leave now.

So then Zarina comes back on the boat and Lara's like, so how was it? The biggest waste of time this entire season. I mean, I've got so much shit to do. You just got to take it out and present it. I don't know why I have to do this fucking thing. Lara's like, okay, well...

so you went before got taken out she's like what what do you mean just it's like the food just yeah it's fine nothing's affecting me at all nothing's affecting me at all so zarina is in like a furious mood now i love that lara still tried to get her she's like oh so you left before the food was taken out like oh fuck off and also we saw a little scene in there of lara um with brie brie's cleaning the rooms and she's like i'm brie

"We must make sure the pillows are flat. Please, make sure they're flat." She's like, "Okay, okay, I will." She's like, "See? I can't do this with Brie. It's ruining my whole flow." And then they also showed, there was also a moment where Brie was like, "I don't know how to turn the shower off, I think it's gonna run infinitely." She's like, "Use a different knob. Use a different knob." She's like, "Oh my god, it worked."

You see what I'm saying? This girl doesn't understand showers. She must be in a higher position. It is the definition of failing up, right? Yes. You cannot put gorgeous blonde people in showers. That's just not what we do. It's going against nature. So, by the way, I think the reason why Zarina went on this trip, aside from the fact that she's

you know she she gets to be passive aggressive i think she's building a case so that way she can say to jason well it's outrageous i mean she had to go all the way out there just to take some cling wrap off and come all the way back that was an hour could have been on the boat so because she knows if she has something tangible that you can bring to the captain that that will be more effective than if it's just like her word versus laura word like if they both go the captain about why they can't get along so i think she like took the l on this one solely so that way she had empirical evidence

that Lara is mismanaging the situation. Yeah, but then she never does it. So that's the thing. It's like she doesn't do it. I think she's just trying to make Lara happy because by the end of the episode, of course, Lara turns it around like, see, Serena's crazy, everybody. I told you. And then she's fucked. So now anything she says now is going to look like she's fighting back against the crazy claims.

Well, I think she's still going to be, she's still building her case. I think she's, I think she wants to get two to three pieces of evidence that then she can take to Captain Jason and say, I can't do this anymore. I can't work like this. She's too much, you know, but like one is not enough. I just don't see her ever turning against Lara because she thinks that Lara's like a, you know, Lara's the popular girl that she wants to be. So I don't see her like trying to turn her in because then she'd be dead forever in front of Lara. And Lara, she's going to have to see possibly on other boats, the other boat they worked on together.

I think she just wants the approval of this chick she's never gonna get it from. But who knows? Let's see. Time will tell, you know? We've made our predictions. Let's see what transpires, shall we? So, Laura, of course, is already like, well, I wish Serena would have been more passionate about serving the guest lunch than serving me this shitty attitude. Like, what the fuck? You're an asshole, that's why. Why don't you be more passionate?

Yeah. Why don't you be more passionate about going and serving lunch? Like she's not the only one. Okay. It's like, just like, there's no passion that's required and sticking a ladle into some tzatziki and slopping it onto a plate.

Yeah. So then the guests come back and it's announced at 8.30 will be time for dinner. And Laura is like, well, you know, in a perfect world, Marina would just want to stay in cabins forever. But I'm actually really impressed with her right now. She didn't even have to text me to ask me what the invisible stuff was on top of potato salad. And I was expecting that. So well done. Cut to Brie trying to figure out how to turn off a sink.

That one, on the other hand, needs a little bit of work. So Marina says they had a great time. She's like, it was great until somebody lit a cigarette and they started on fire, which was crazy. So we had to put her out. But I think otherwise she's fine. Everything was fine. So Alicia comes back in and she's like, how's it been in here? And Zarina just ignores her. Should I put this in the bin? No. Okay, well, hop me in. Let me know what I can do to help. It's all right.

Okay. Can I cut a carrot? No. Can I open the fridge? No. Do you want me to stand here? No. Do you want me to be in the kitchen? No. In the kitchen? Not the kitchen. Neither.

That's impossible. You have to be in one case or the other. So then we return to the original problem Serena was having with the first douche, which is when she just turns off and she won't say anything and she's just completely ignoring this girl. She's like, well, I want to be helpful, but I don't know what's going on. So then Nick pulls every person on the boat aside. He's like, oh, may I have a chat with you? Thank you. That would be lovely. Listen, I just wanted to tell you that last night I was playing a

a silly game with the ladies and they asked me to take a shot and I did it. Please give me whatever lashings you need to give me. Everyone's like, oh, okay. It's horrifying. I know. And there's like, okay, but if I knew we were allowed to drink, I would have done it a long time ago. Did you take a shot while you were watching football on TV? No, actually. All right. It's still not attractive to me. So moving along.

So then Lara goes up to Lucia and she's like, "So, sweetheart little adorable strawberry, you're not a strawberry shortcake, you're a strawberry tallcake, 'cause you're tall and proud.

How was it? How was taking the tinfoil off of those chafers? She's like, I loved it. Good, good. I'm glad you loved it because you deserve all the loving in the world. It was just nice to be outside, wasn't it? And she goes, oh, well, that's just such good news because that's what I wanted. You know, strawberries can't grow in basements. They must be out in the world. So I'm glad I gave you that opportunity to step off the boat and see the sunshine. You're welcome.

You're welcome. If you'd like to call me mum and give me a hug, that would be alright. Now, you sweet, adorable thing, here's a little gift I got from you. It's a necklace. I found it. I found it on land and I'm giving it to you. So have a wonderful rest of your day. Now, hold on. I have to speak privately with Serena. Dinner's at fucking 8.30. Get it ready.

And Alicia tells her, "Oh, I really appreciate you fighting in my corner to go as well." She didn't have to fight her. Serena was the one who sent you in the first place. What is this bunk? Alicia's pissing me off now, okay? I'm getting pissed. She's like too easily swayed.

So then Serena's like, she's watching all of this. And she's like, you know, I don't know if Laura's trying to mess with me right now, but it seems like she's grooming my sous chef to be against me. That's not my chef. She should be supporting me. What the fuck is going on? She hates you. Okay. Yeah. I know you haven't heard her diary rooms or whatever, but she hates your guts. Hope she does. Stick a needle in your eye. Yeah.

You're like the kid's sister that she doesn't want to deal with. But unfortunately, Zarina, the best way to combat this is that Zarina also grooms

Alicia to be against Lara. There's no reason why, just because Lara's doing it doesn't mean Zarina can't do it. The worst thing that Zarina can do right now is to stonewall Alicia because then everything Lara says is going to feel more true and real. She's just sending Alicia over there. You've got to fight for your Sue. You've got to sit there. You've got to gossip and talk shit with her and share special things and bond and make it

clear that Lara will never know what it's like to slice a crudite the way those two do. That's what you got to do. Don't give her the silent treatment.

Yeah. But you know, some people just aren't born with that kind of personality where they're like, oh, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to remanipulate this girl to go against that girl. She just wants to be loved Serena. I know literally by anybody. I mean, she doesn't get hurt. Does anyone know it's me? She's probably down there at night begging for love from that clownfish. It's always swimming by the boat. You know, she's like, was that children waving to me? It looks like it was waving to Laura. Well, lose again.

Should we discuss this week's fish, by the way, speaking of the con fish, there were some real beauts. There were some real beauts. I think my favorite one, there was like a yellow one. There's a long yellow one, but sort of had like some like 19, like 1907 Parisian makeup on, on her face. I thought she was really wonderful. I think she was my favorite of the week.

There was a big one that looked like a jug. Like it was just this huge fish and then like shrinks down right after its face. And then it's like a horn. That's what I like. I like that. Yeah. But that was very nice. There were a lot of schools of fish, which was fine. But I feel like the schools of fish kind of lack personality. You know, like there was also slow down. Like when you get down. Yeah.

They were small fish too, so you're there especially like, okay, you're just not bringing anything. You're just like creating chaos here, you know? Yeah. But they're like, look, we can move at the same time. Look, that one turned left, I turned left. They're very proud of themselves. You're in a line school of fish. Why do I have to go 30 miles an hour because you can't keep your school of fish out of the road? Get out of the road!

There also, for the second week in a row, there was no sign whatsoever of our favorite moray eel, who suddenly is relegated to the sidelines. However, our sea turtle got like three or four different shots and even surfaced, got an above water shot later on in the episode. So it was a really big episode for the sea turtle. But for me, I'm still going to give it to the yellow fish with the makeup. Okay, I'm going to go for the trumpet fish or whatever the fuck. Okay, we love it.

It was great. It was a great turnout. There was also another moss colored fish that might be the same one I'm talking about. Not moss colored, but covered.

And it looks, I like those kinds of fish. Cause it looks like they just lie around all day and they get, they just get, it's like when you, when I get up and I have like blanket fuzz all over me, cause I've been on the couch all day, but I try to pretend I haven't for the delivery guy. And they're like, you're literally covered in a blanket. So yeah. And that's what that kind of fish it's like, oh, ding dong. And that fish just got up. It's like the cameras are here. The cameras are here. Look, I'm a fish swimming. Look at the schools. And, um, you know, it was lying because it's covered in blanket.

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Also, there was some good work by the Rays. You know, the Rays are always kind of like reliably there, and I feel like we don't like point them out as much, but the Rays were sort of just like moving around in a very gentle way, which I appreciated. And we also got, there's that one fish. I really love the Ray. The Ray's like, Karen wasn't drunk. She barely even drinks. I don't know why she's getting a drunk driving. They're very supportive fish. They'll cover for their wives. Ray!

Yeah. And then there's also some of those mid-tier fish, you know, like those fish that are like, I kind of feel like they coast on being pretty, but they actually don't have a lot of personality. So they're generally like yellow, but they have like four blue stripes along their side. They're like, look at me.

i have pizzazz i'm kind of just like pretty but you're like yeah but you don't have like an it factor and you're going to need an it factor if you want to move ahead in this competition yeah they just keep passing they're like god's back god's back they're all saying the same thing you're like oh yeah we got it you're kind of original yeah have your own thoughts for once yeah

Okay, so Harry checks in with Serena and she's bummed, you know, so of course production was like, "Go start shit with Serena!" So she's like, "I mean, it's all good." And he goes, "So, are you and Laura getting on? Just random question, random question. Producers didn't tell me to ask this at all, but are you getting on?" She's like, "Well, I mean, I think so. I just thought we'd be more like besties, you know?"

I mean, now, I guess, for friendship with Brie, I guess, maybe I'm feeling a bit pushed out. Do you understand what I'm saying? And he's like, oh, that's so sad. You know, I will walk off this boat. I will walk off this boat if I ever get anybody to be rude to you again. So now everyone's going to change into blacks, because tonight the theme is lavish Dubai nights, which is...

I don't know. It's a little weird. If you're from Dubai, why do you go onto a boat to have a theme of where you're from? That's like me going on vacation being like, I want...

You know what I want? I want an LA themed meal. Like, no, I could stay in LA for that, for a jankier, like balloony version of, of the city I'm in. Like, how about like Paris or Rome? I've never understood that when people, they're like, we're from Oklahoma. We want a barbecue night. Like, okay. So you're from, you're from the South. I don't know how, how barbecue is in Oklahoma. I would assume it's okay. I mean, the Southern. Pun intended.

Pun intended. Yeah, I would assume it's okay, L-A-H-O-M-A, but who knows? But why would you go to another country and be like, make us some barbecue? I know. I don't understand that.

I don't understand that mentality of, like, I feel like if you're going to travel somewhere or get something, that's just a little different. But they always do it on this show. Everybody does it. Because remember, even the gays do it. Remember the gays came and they were like, we want to eat something gay. And they were like, okay. They're like, yeah, just make us gay things. That was their...

The penis cake and flags. Every single time. They love it. That was their request. I died at that. And then they actually did a bunch of gay shit. They're like, okay, now we've got penis foods. You know, this looks like a little penis. Like, yes! Gaga's back! Gaga's back! So Zarina and Alicia are still cooking. Alicia's making little, what do you call those?

Mistakes. Mistakes. You know, there's a little meat, the meat, um, keffedes, keffedes? No, you know what I'm talking about. She's making little meat dumplings. She's making little meatballs. Meat wieners. They're like little torpedoes. They look like little kibby sticks. Kibby's, kibby's. That's what it is, kibby. She's making kibby dicks.

And so Elisa's like, oh, they look like little poos. And Serena's like, I'm not going to laugh at that, even though, God, I would love to laugh at that. It's so true. And basically Elisa's just like, so any technique to make them all look the same? Just practice and shutting up. That's it. The more you shut up, the better they turn out. But it's important that they're all the same, right? Yes, I guess give them all blonde hair and some lipstick. So Laura will be kind to them.

Maybe. Maybe that'll work. She goes, well, would you like some tea after this? She goes, no, I wouldn't like some tea. But I'm so sorry. I just can't go the whole evening like this. It's very depressing. It's fucked. I'm just bored of this. Like, come on. She's like, well, I'm just utterly exhausted. I've been a moody, grumpy bitch today. And I will continue to do that. So this moment of self-awareness is brought to you by this moment of back to being a moody, grumpy bitch. All right. Make your kibis.

marina is talking to nick about french she's like oh you know french he's like polyvue francais and she's like oh my god and he's like oh yeah marina adorable growing up i didn't approach women really i mean my first kiss was at 19 and she was painted blue it was hard actually star trek themed convention my dad

I was like, wait. I was like, Ben, wait for it. I was getting a handjob. She had eight actual octopi arms coming out of her. It was actually very sexy. I just don't know that anyone will ever compete with that. Turns out she was actually some sort of new age kind of room fan. It was weird. So...

I was shamed. So Lara, so yeah, he is he and Marina are flirting basically.

And then Lara's like, okay, Zarina, could you explain this dish that you made for me? And Zarina's like, I don't know, it's like burnt garlic dahlia with a fusion of chickpea, eggplant, cinnamon, curry. And Lara's like, crazy! Look at that crazy dish you just made. Wow. Wacky-doo. I've never heard of a more unstable dish to serve to guests. I shall bring this up with tap-dun! So they serve it, the guests love it. And then Nate and Harry are chatting about

tomorrow docking and Harry seems to be kind of in charge of it you know he's like you know I know how to do this and how to do that and Nate loves it he's like coming in this late in charter season there's a leader you gotta earn respect and it's not there yet but luckily luckily I've got no ego that was mostly bleached out when I do the highlights every year so that's positive that's positive but I've got Harry and Harry's got a work ethic he's got a passion for the job he cries quite a bit which is

something we've got to work on maybe or maybe we don't i don't know can you cry while you bring in a line we'll find out i'm putting him in charge everything so then lara serves the first course and everything everyone likes it everyone goes to sleep and so then alicia is talking to zarina and she's like oh it's the next day we wrapped up that evening quickly it's the next day and i would like to talk about corn-fed chicken

I don't like when people brag about feeding the chicken corn. They're like, here's a corn-fed chicken. Oh, wow. Were there no Snickers-fed chicken available? Like, why are we bragging that we're not feeding the chicken crap? Like grass-fed beef?

Yes. They're like, hello, we didn't feed. This was not. I just think it's a sad place we've come in this world where you never know what they're being fed. You know, it's like this. This chicken was fed children. Enjoy it. It was a dollar off at the market. But, you know, that's what you have to do now. You have to specify. You know what? This have hormones. This is a hormone chicken. Like, what did this chicken eat?

It is funny because I feel like, isn't there a whole movement of anti-corn? An anti-corn movement like, big corn! Big corn's rooting everything. These corn farms. And then they're like, God,

God, we hate corn, but also we fed this chicken corn. Yeah, but it's good for the chickens. Yeah. It's good. It's good for the chicken. It's good for the, it's good for the guests. And I know that movement is like mostly about like, this wasn't raised in the headless in a cage and just fed, you know? Ooh, I hope it wasn't raised headless. Yeah, they do that. Haven't you ever watched a lot of zoo documentaries? That's why I don't eat meat anymore because fucking Netflix. I've watched so many of those documentaries. Yeah. They like engineer chickens to be just like,

I think they're headless. You look at that. Cause now I feel crazy the way you're looking at me. I'm afraid it's like these mutant crazy chickens in these little tiny cages. They never move. And I think they're headless and they just raise them. And with all these steroids. So, I mean, I see where the movement comes from. I just think it's sad that we've come that far where we're like, can I just make sure this wasn't a headless chicken raised in a shoe box? Okay. Was never able to walk. It's just sad. It's just sad. That's all I'm saying.

But here we are with the corn fed chicken. My mom's obsessed with corn and thinks that everybody is fat because of corn. She's like, you know why America's fat corn, corn did it. Corn's in everything. Corn is the killer. So my mom like literally looks at corn as a murderer. So I'm with you, you know, why are we writing about feeding the chicken corn? You know? Right. Except the truth is corn is so delicious and I love corn deeply. I was born for corn like Madison LaCroix. And I,

So I will never be able to be totally anti-corn because it just warms my heart. Really? Did you ever see the corn documentary? Oh, that was another one on Netflix. That's like saying, like, it's like, Ronnie, that's like if someone said to me, hey, Ben, do you want to watch a documentary about all the awful things Ronnie has done? I'm like, I'm not going to watch that. No. The things that I love, I will look the other way.

I'm looking the other way. Thank you. That's the secret to a friendship right there. Yeah. Oh. I will not be watching any slander documentaries about Ronnie or Korn. Well, now I hope I've given you some nightmares. Korn is evil and chickens are usually headless that you eat. Okay. So the crew wakes up and Alicia is in the galley. What?

I said, but are they happy? I bet they are. That's one less thing they don't have to worry about. They don't have to worry about like, oh God, my face is so saggy. Like, you know, they're just like, I don't have to worry about it. I've got chicken neck, you know? Like, is that chicken at this point? Is that chicken neck or is that chicken face? Because isn't your neck kind of your face at this point? Wow.

"Oh, alright, so we're in the galley and Alicia's asking what to do." And she's like, "Alright, well, we need to have a bit of a chop chop." And she goes, "But I only started a minute ago." She goes, "Alright, well, separate the eggs. I need 12 eggs separated. Go!" And she goes, "Okay, well, that's it anyway. I've done that. Alright, now I can concentrate on the crew."

So, oh, you're putting something together. Is that for the guests? And she's like, no, it's for the crew. We're going to do both together today. Crew together, then we're going to get it out of the way, then we're going to do the guests together. All right, so I'm going to do the egg separation now. I needed them right away, is the thing. You know, and you didn't do them, and now I need them, so...

She was like, no, I did do them. Look, there's 12 of them. I'm really genuinely confused about what's going on because you haven't told me what you're planning. And she's like, okay, when I tell you to do this, you do it. And then you tell me they're done. And you don't go and do different things. But it was already done when I started doing other things. What I'm confused about is, did you say they're done, chef?

Well, they're done, chef. Did you say they're done, chef, who's better than Lara? Well, I didn't say that last part. And there's the problem. There's the problem. She's like, okay, but what's going on with the crew breakfast? What's going on with the thing? You've not actually told me what you've planned for the crew. So you say we're working together, but I have no idea what you're doing. And so now she's at the point where she's basically like the other sous chef. And she's like, what is this lady thinking? You know, like, I have no idea what she's doing. She's all over the place.

And she needs to just be a better boss, basically. And she tells her, I mean, I respect her for just telling Serena. She's like, "Look, I'm walking on eggshells around you, and then I don't know where to fit in and where to work when you've not told me, and I keep asking you, and I don't mind being shown, but you're not telling me." And she's like, "Okay." Well, first of all, let me just say something. When you separate the eggs, don't throw the shells on the floor, okay? That's the first step, so that way you're not walking on them all the time, okay? Come on, think here. It's very simple what you have to do here.

But basically Zarina's like, she's like, just like, no, I'm not going to help. So now the guests are all like, don't be a strawberry. I hate strawberries. Yeah.

So everyone is, the guests are taking photos and Adair is revealing. We actually don't know. We know like a little bit about Adair, but she has like not a lot of personality. But now we find out one of her fears, which is the anchor. She's afraid of the anchor because it could kill her. She's like, well, I always second guess myself on the anchor just because it could kill me and not in the fun way. Like if you're run over by like a four by four while you're chasing a gator in the outback.

I was going to say, didn't we see pictures of her on like four by four or four wheelers and stuff? A four by four. She's on a piece of wood. Hey, it's called the seesaw. It's called the seesaw where I come from. You put a four by four over a can of beer. The whore for status goes to the ground. That's it.

"Oh, well, it's by far the scariest thing. Just think about how it's gonna spin. So we wanna stop it falling, so you want this bit touching that bit." She's like, "Okay." Which, by the way, that does not sound precise at all. You want this bit touching that bit, and now you won't get killed. Yeah, that was a little scary. And she goes, "Okay, heard!" And he goes, "Heard, dude." So, food is served, and we're seeing the steps climbed. 322 stairs climbed so far.

And the guests- - I'm gonna need those steps. Sorry to interrupt. I'm gonna need those steps to actually start to matter because it's been like 10 episodes and they keep giving us the staircase count and it has not had any impact on anything in a long time. So unless someone gets like an Achilles Hill issue, don't tell us how many stairs are going up. - Yeah, I need a strange butthole or something. Like I need somebody to be like, "Ah, my butthole's strained. I can't do it. It was all the steps." - Anger. Heard.

So this is when the guest, this is when Nikki finds out, one of the guests is like, oh my God, Nikki, you won another award. You won the number one most popular girl on this boat. Congratulations. And Laura's like putting drips of like,

you know, saline and not saline. What, what do you put into people's drinks to make them have diarrhea? Like it's clear. I guess it's like eye drops or something. What do you do? I don't know. They used to do slumber parties when I was a kid, like salty, like a salty, like a saline. I think saline. I don't know. No, it's just salt. I don't know.

Just salt water? We shouldn't be giving people weapons for slumber parties anyway, Ben. No, absolutely not. She's like, oh my God, you're on the 23rd Middle East Women's Leader. Okay, you're the 23rd Women's Middle East Leader in Excellence Award. Excellence Award. What the fuck was this award? Okay, let me tell you what this is. Is this given out by the penny saver? What is this? This is the line as written. Okay, well, at least as written for us.

On the 23rd Middle East Women's Leader, you won the 23rd Women's Middle East Leaders Excellence Award. Excellence Award. Now, I believe that sounds like a real award. You're like the excellent woman of excellence in the Middle East, but you're number 23. And you're lucky because we only picked 23 people, which makes you great. That means...

That makes you like the Michael Jordan of excellence in the Middle East leaders excellence, excellence award. Maybe bring up that she was number one or not bring up 23rd. Like you got 23rd. Maybe just say like you won a Middle East woman's leader award. I mean, what kind of friend is like, wow, congratulations. You came in 23. I am. So I, of course I had to do a search and,

And so I did a search of Nikita Middle East Women's Leader Award. Was her name Nikita Sokdev? I don't know if this is or not. Nikita is M-A-K. M-A-K. M-A-K. Okay. So this is, I was about to rag on someone else because someone else named Nikita is

She won an award a month ago and she was like so honored. She won Nikita Lord. She was nominated for most influential woman in blockchain and crypto 2025 at the Middle East Blockchain Awards, which means that there's there's an award for everything. That's what I've got to say. The Middle Eastern Blockchain Awards. Yeah, well, that's a huge. I want to throw something there. You know, the crypto 25th Middle East Women Leaders Excellence Awards.

They were April 9th. Oh, well, they're going to be April 9th in 2026. So who's the winners? I want to see who number 23 is. I'm going to fact check who's number 23. I know. Kim Phuc won Woman Personality of the Year.

Kim Phuc. Pham Thi Kim Phuc from Vietnam won, she had a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph titled The Terror of War. God damn, I want to read, I'm actually interested in these awards now. Okay, this is why we should not be Googling stuff while we're podcasting. I'm into it now. I'm like, who's on the race this year? Can Nikita hold her chair?

Can she hold her name, hold the throne or will someone else come for her crown? So she won this award. And then Nikita's like, oh my God. So now it's time to leave.

So she gives a speech because everything was amazing and couldn't have asked for a better trip. Although maybe I could have, which is why maybe there's like a, maybe there's like a trip that's worth like $10,000 more of tip, but like for one that's on TV, this is amazing. My only criticism is that Nick needs to work on his beer pong scales. Thank you so much for having us. Oh, fuck off. You shitty tipper. I hope you fall over under the ocean.

So now clean, clean, clean, clean, clean, clean, clean. Marina and Adair are cleaning, doing some stuff. And Marina's like, oh, Nick is cute. And Adair's like, well, I know something you don't know. I know something you don't know. Bush is president. No, he's not. Okay. Well, Nick has already started his party and he started this party with a guest.

I mean, no fucking way. Don't tell me that. Yeah. And he goes up to Catherine and was like, I just want to tell you guys, I don't want you to find another way that I took tequila shots with the guests last night. I mean, it's like, oh, oh, oh, fuck. You scared the shit out of me. I thought you were saying that he slept with one of them. Oh, God. Thank God. Thank God. Well, if I knew I could drink on the job, I'd have been hammered yesterday. Hey.

Just kidding, I'm hammered right now. So now it's time for the tip meeting. And so they all sit down and everything. And then Jason's like, hold on. It's like dollar, dollar, dollar bills, y'all.

It was my money. So he's like, all right, Charter 6. Well, it wasn't as hectic, but we did knock out a lot. It actually showcased to the newbies what has to be done. And coming in, docking was great. It actually was good little training wheels. Anyway, the point is this. You all got $5 a tip. And I don't think the tip reflects what we got out of this trip because what we got out of this trip was a lot of tension and passive aggression amongst everyone on board. So congratulations. You all hate each other, and we're probably going to sink on the next Charter.

All right, now, if Serena's insecurity was actual currency, we'd all be wealthy. Unfortunately, it's not, so you didn't make shit today. Hot new guy, no, not you, the one who did fan fiction of me as a Vulcan, he's the one who's going to get the helmet, right? You've got the helmet, and he's like, oh, thank you very much. If this is the extent of the ramifications, consider me chuffed. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

So Harrison's like, all right, nice and interesting charter, actually, a character. You know, I like Nick. He's interesting. You know, he says everything so proper. He's like a great politician, actually. And if I find out that he has a fake accent, I will walk right off this boat. I'll walk right off this boat.

Yeah, because now they're all making fun of how he talks. He's like, what does he talk like there? He says everything's so proper. He'd be a great politician. And Indira's like, yeah, he sounds like a cartoon character when he talks. Like, where did you come from? Who are you to talk? Jesus Christ, big mouth. She's like a human banjo. So then Nate's like, yeah, he's a bit of a dork. Yeah.

And it's like, he's a bit of a dork, but he speaks like a prince. The funny thing about Star Trek and Spock is, well, you see, indeed.

that's like me at the beginning of every blow deck season trying to figure out what people's personalities are. So then Harry, he's like, so, Knight, who's Chautafi? What do you think? And Nate's like, oh, you know, just have a date. And Carrie's like, look, I know I was a lot. I'll step back into line. He's like,

No, man, you absolutely crushed it. It was a good dynamic. And you knowing everything and being capable and qualified, like between you and I, there's so much experience and capability on the boat. You've done all your years, I mean, diving. You could be a boat swimmer any day of the week. So, oh, thank you. And you know what? I'd say you're a lead deckhand, mate.

Well, I like that Harry had to lead him there because he's like, oh, mate, you do everything on this boat. You could do anything. I mean, if the duty was ice skating, I bet you could ice skate. You can? You got tights? Good for you, mate. You could run it. I don't even know why I'm here. Rich dad, poor dad. Am I right? Rich dad, poor dad. But here we are, mate. I'd give you anything. And Harry's like, well, thanks. You know, that's my goal. You know, it's a goal one day. Lead deckhand, you know, and then boats in and then go from there. And he's like, oh, lead deckhand.

all right, you can do lead deckhand too. So he finally got somebody that he can just be like, yeah, so I'm lead deckhand, right? And he's like, yes. Why didn't I come up with that? You're even good enough to come up with ideas like lead deckhand. You win, mate. Lead deckhand you are. Captain of the boat. You're the captain of the boat now. Just go take it over. Kick kimono man out. No one needs to see those hanging bowls. I mean, seriously, am I right?

So then Brie is talking to Alicia. She's like, so how was your day? And she's like, well, Serena is a really weird mood. I don't know what it's about. It's causing some really weird energy. And I feel like I'm a kid again. I'm like, well, you also have like your hair and like pigtails. She's like, I feel like a little dot, a little girl again.

So then they're just like talking shit. - This is so weird and shit, by the way, that Brie does this. So Lara comes in and Brie's like, "Alicia just came in. She was like, 'What's wrong with Serena?' She was just like really upset. What are we gonna do about it?" And she goes, "Go grab her. Go grab her and bring her in here because she doesn't open up and she'll open up to me. Go get her." - So gross. - Yeah, so Brie brings Alicia in

So now the three of them, the three blondies are talking and Alicia's like, to be honest, nothing and everything at the same time is going on. I don't get told what's going on about the guest food with crew food. And I'm like, what have you done? And she's like, I'm doing it. And I'm like, well, just tell me what the fuck's going on. And it makes me feel really useless. And it's getting worked up. It's not what I wanted. And Lara's like, you know, I feel like Alicia's losing her spark. I'm like,

she's the same. She's not losing her spark and she's not in your department either. Her, the level of her spark is not up for you to fix. If you see that, it seems like her spark is, is going away. You speak to Zarina about it as a head of department. And I think it is weird to court someone to talk shit about another head of department to you. I feel like that's really bad. Like it should just be like you talk in your own department about stuff like that. Well, she did it all the time with, with, uh,

The other dude who got fired, Vian, but we didn't like Vian. So we were like, it's okay for that. But she's doing, I mean, it's really the same old tricks. I mean, for me, like here it is. Alicia, first of all, never really had a spark. I like Alicia, but she's not like someone you'd meet and be like, oh my God, there's a fire burning in her. You know, she's nice. Yeah. But she's sparkless. Okay. That's just saying. She's sparkless. She's sparkless. I said it.

And second, it's not cool how Serena has been acting in there. So I'm not going to stand up for Serena. And it is okay for Alicia to vent to people. We all have that right at work, but

alicia knows that serena is slightly traumatized by laura and by going and bitching to laura that's really uncool on her part that's just bad that's just bad friend code and she knows what she's fucking doing and i don't like it she's like deciding okay i'm not on this girl's team anymore now i'm on these girls team against serena and i think it's i just i don't like it and i think i think that laura what her role in this is that she should go up to serena and say hey look

I don't know what's going on with you and Alicia, but she's kind of like moping around. So I feel like you guys need to have a talk and you guys should fix it. Like, that's what she should say instead of, instead of like, like, yes, everyone's allowed to vent, but I think professionally she should sort of say, Ooh, they are having an issue. And rather than just kind of like be gossipy about it and sort of like foster more of it, she should like encourage the two of them to bond and sort of stay out of it and like get them back on track.

Yeah, because from the building the case part of all of this, I think she's the one who's always building the case. She's like, okay, you know, I'm going to drag her into this room. I'm going to get her to open up. Then I'm going to have all this shit against Serena. And it's just, she's just an asshole. This girl's such a, she's so mean. I don't like her. So she's like, well, you know, I feel like you're holding it in. And it's like, no, I mean, I just, I feel like I want to cry. You know, I want to cry and cry and cry. And Serena comes in in her bikini. She's like, hello.

all right, we're going to wait. Am I, is this a private conversation then? Cause she totally busts them. They all look at her like, especially. We literally looked away. Yeah. Like be chill. Bree.

And she's like, oh, so are you sad? And Lisa's like, I'm bothered. She's like, why are you bothered? She's like, I'm just hot and bothered. So Zarina's like, fuck this. She's like, are you fucking kidding me? Of course, if my sous chef wants to talk to me, she can. Lara just cannot help herself, can she? This is just classic bitchy, squiggled attitude. And why was I so naive and stupid to put her on a pedestal just so she could look right down at me and laugh? I thought we were friends. This is fucking ridiculous.

Yeah, called it, called it Serena. I think she's calling it pretty well. So Laura's like, well, oh God, that could not be worth timing, am I right? I mean, I was ready to say, I think we need to air this, but I just don't know if you're ready to say anything now. And Alicia says, it's not worth it. You did say something, but you already did. I mean, I think she communicated it very well to Serena.

So I don't understand why she's acting like she never gets a chance to say anything. She did. And Serena didn't have a fit with you. She just kept working with you. And she's like, well, I'm not going to let it make my life misery. And she goes, yes, I mean, but you still need to respect and care for your crew members, you know, because we're together. All of us on a team. Team Strawberry. Am I right? Yeah.

So then Harry and Brie are cuddling, and Harry's saying that, you know, like, everyone's getting along well. He's like, and by the way, Knight said that I'm late dickhead. And Brie's like, oh, okay. Is that like an official title? Oh, should I have a bigger reaction? Oh, cool. That's exciting for you. She doesn't care at all. It's like every day you're so positive. It's so well-deserved, Harry. Yeah.

You want to make out now? He's like, no, not really. Time for bed. Go to your own bed. She's like, oh, God, we need to discuss this. So Alicia is...

uh talking to nate and oh so they're in the hot tub so he goes to the hot tub and she comes out looking gorge and she gets in with him and he's doing that thing where he's like oh i'm a confident man with my my hand behind my head and he's like got his armpit bared and he's just got his his arm hairs too long like trimming you know yeah just try i just wanted to go in there with some little scissors and just trim it

Yeah. And so she's looking at his tattoos and she's like, what's that fish on your thing? Which by the way, thing also known as an arm. I know exotic word. What's that fish on your thing? He's like, oh, that's a salmon. It's my last name. I'm a very literal person. So since my last name is Salmon, I got a salmon tattooed on my arm just in case I forgot what my last name is.

And he's like, what's that on yours? And she's like, oh, I've got a tattoo of Swoozie Kurtz because she's the lesser of the sisters. I often said she was a top tier one, but that's all right. Well, I mean, there was Selah to contend with, wasn't there? Well, she's number one, obviously. I always thought the lesser one was the one he used to be married to. Bruce Springsteen, whatever her name was. Well, I didn't want a completely unrecognizable tattoo, did I?

I mean, who cares about Julianne Phillips? Am I right? Exactly. I don't even remember her on that television show. But, you know, here's to completely on-the-nose tattoos. At least Patricia Callenberg works. So she gets out. She gets out. And he's like, God damn. Oh, no, he gets out, actually. He's like, enjoy your hot tub. And he's like, marriage coming.

Well, we also have his backstory, hello, which is that he used to be a ski person. He was a ski bum and then he like crashed and he broke his leg and then he was in bed for a long time and got sad and then was like, well, I can either be sad or I can start watching sisters because one day I'll meet a girl who has a tattoo of one of them. And I did. But on top of that, I thought, let's also learn how to be a bosun.

"You're the master of your own ship, and I've got to remember that. Swoozie Kurtz for life." But we also find out we were joking around, but when she goes, "Oh, you're Salmon. Well, hello, Salmon. Meet Mrs. Bean." That's her name. Alicia Bean. Do you think she's related to Mr. Bean? That's what I love about it. I mean, that would be amazing. Yeah. So— He doesn't speak much, but he's quite a joker.

Lots of facial expressions, which is why I choose to have very few. It's a rebellion. So then Nate's telling Nick, he's like, oh, bro, Alicia came up, red lipstick and little red headband looking like a pinup girl, you know, beam tattoo on that thing of hers. Her arm? Yeah, that. God, danger zone. Mm-hmm.

All the way to the danger zone. So then Alicia is texting Johnny that she misses him and she's not as positive without him here. And now everybody is getting ready to go out and party. Jason compliments Harry's clothes. He's really stepping it up.

And now we're in taxis to dinner. So Serena's asking Nate if he's a hopeless romantic. And Nick's like, well, I've only had one proper relationship. That was four years and eight alms long. God, I miss that girl. Oh, but I feel like you're not a one night stand kind of guy. He's like, no, there needs to be a connection there. And also several limbs. Otherwise, there's no point.

So now at dinner, everyone's like, oh, Nick, sit next to Marina. And she's like, look at me. My feet don't touch the ground. He goes, oh, your feet are swinging. That is absolutely adorable.

And then there, everyone's just like chatting. And Elisa's wondering if she's a masochist, if she says she misses Johnny. And Harry's like, oh, there's nothing wrong with missing Johnny. At the same time, though, there's two new people. And, you know, if you do have any sort of interest in them, I would love that because then I could call up Johnny and tattle on you. So, you know, have at it.

And she's like, oh, I've got myself in a funk. I just need to go have a smoke. So Serena goes with her. And Serena's asking if she's okay. And she's like, what do you think of the new boys? And she's like, I mean, they're okay, but I'm still missing Johnny. And Serena's like, I mean, he just uplifted you, you know? You don't have to talk about it, but isn't that wonderful when you've got a friendship of someone who uplifts you instead of going to talk behind your back to Laura? Isn't that fun? So...

Yeah. And Elise is like, yeah, I haven't felt very bubbly recently. She's like, oh, is there a reason for it? It's like, um, yeah, I think it's hard when we're in that box together. And by we're in that box, I mean, you're acting like a moody bitch and I'm just trying to figure out how many eggs I have to crack open. And she's like, well, you know, look,

I can't always say thank you and say things nicely, alright? If I say, "Hey, grab that for me." "Just grab it." And she goes, "But that's not what bothers me." "I don't know, when I took the picnic and you were like, 'Oh, so you can do this without your head chef being here,' like, it was just so condescending." And she's like, "Oh, God."

I wasn't being condescending. I was just mad at Laura because she made me go, you know, and then, you know, and then you go, Laura, and then why am I there till she takes and covers off something where I'm like, why am I there? All we need to do is uncover stuff. Like, why is she incapable of doing that?

Right. And Lisa's like, well, I just guess I need to grow some thicker skin. She's like, no, I'm really sorry. Sometimes it seems passive-aggressive and overly sarcastic. I just cannot hide any of my emotions. Like, okay. So now they've mended. Not really. I kind of feel like they didn't talk about the court issue, but they've kind of mended for now. And they hug. It was like a nice moment of resolution. I was like, whew, I was a little stressed out about their rift. I think this was good. I think this was really good. Yeah.

They said that she said her feelings, what she was right about Alicia at the end of the day. She was like, I mean, why are you treating me like that? And she said, okay, I was being an asshole. I'm sorry for being an asshole. And she didn't bring Laura into it.

Which I thought was pretty mature and professional. So, you know what? On the professional scale, you guys, you are so professional. You guys are like number 24 and 25 on the women's excellent scale in Dubai. Wow. They really did it. So, Zeridia's like saying, I've been focusing so much on trying to get Lara off my tits that I've been an asshole to Alicia and now I, you know, now...

And that's not how it works. So she's like, she realizes, okay, I've been too mean to her. So now the boys are in the bathroom just talking about girls and everything, which girls they like and everything like that. And then everyone goes off to the next to the club to dance. And then Lara sits down with Zarina to talk. I'm sorry, to talk with Alicia. And she's like, so Strawberry, did you have a chat with Zarina? Was she a heinous bitch to you as usual? God, she's awful. Am I wrong?

And, yeah, I mean, she was just talking about, you know, the industry and just said it's chefing. And Laura's like, no, I hate that saying it's the industry. It's not the industry. You don't have to talk about people like that. You don't have to be like that. It's just such a dated thing to say. Like, it doesn't have to be like that. You know, Laura, fucking Laura. Okay. Laura's like, no, don't let her off the hook. Still be pissed off at her. Yeah. I don't like that. I didn't like this because everything was like,

good in that department and now she's meddling you know yeah she's like and so Laura's like how we talk to crew members matters period okay just because you're a chef doesn't mean that you can talk to someone like like shit like it doesn't work like that we're all adults we're all professionals we need to respect each other that's it oh yeah we need to be professionals and just roll our eyes at each other and talk behind each other's back and get factions of each other to not like each other that's what professionals do you're not rude to someone's face

Look, she's not wrong, but they settled it. They covered this. And Zarina pledged to do better. She settled it like a true head of department. She had a talk with somebody who she knew was annoyed. She apologized. They communicated about it and they fixed it. And you, another head of department, is going to come in and try and trample all over it and cause more discord. You suck. You suck. And you suck at your job. Shame on you. Shame. Shame on you. This is the point where I get too angry about somebody on Below Deck.

And my life starts not to make any sense. And then I'm at the grocery store and I'm like, why was Laura so mean to Serena? And it just goes downhill. And that means the season needs to end soon because I don't like being, I don't like feeling like this way about people on TV.

But I'm mad. Yeah. And by the way, in the middle of all this, Nick and Marina do make out on the dance floor. Just want to say that. And it's exciting. So now Zarina. He's like doing like really awkward nerd dancing. She's like, oh my God, you can move. I'm like, no, no. Don't encourage this. But then they make, you know, it's cute. Awkward people. She's not awkward, but like, I like awkward love. Awkward love's cute. Yeah. And she loves that he's a nerd, you know?

So, Zarina's like, oh, mummy needs to sit down. And Lara's like, oh, so how are you feeling? She goes, well, I have the Alicia stuff on my mind a lot. And she's so with the fairies all the time. She says, well, she doesn't feel loved right now. She feels like you don't like her. And I'll be completely honest. Sometimes you can say something to me and it will make me feel stupid. I'm like, why?

See, here she goes, turning it all around. After being passive aggressive all day, she's going to come in and try and start a fight with somebody else and make it look like she's the victim. So Serena's like, well, but I have exactly the same as you, though, because in the last charter, that's the first time in my whole career I've ever had a stewardess tell me what to play it on. And that absolutely shocked me.

I love that this really all comes down to those plates. This was like the most... The plating of the mafia night meal was the straw that broke the camel's back here. So Lara's like, well, it should be a joint decision on what's best for...

for the table. She says, yeah, but I feel like you wouldn't let it go unless I said yes. She says, but that's because I know that my vision's the correct one and your vision's the disgusting one. That's the way it always works. You're like the ogre in the clock tower and I'm the beautiful one that people love. That's just life.

Yeah, I mean, as far as just taking my annoyance with Lara away, as far as that doesn't don't they discuss that on every other one? Like, okay, what plate should we use tonight? Well, we're doing this theme, so let's use these plates. I've seen that discussion so many times on Below Deck that I'm shocked that it even came to this. And I'm also shocked that a chef would be like, what do you mean I can't use these plates? Like,

It seems kind of normal in a decoration thing. But yeah, I agree that Lara should have said earlier what to start. They should have decided it earlier. It just seems like a weird fight because we've seen this go on on a million below decks and it's never been a problem.

Yeah. I mean, honestly, I am team Lara in the plate choice. I think that the white plates were the better choice in this situation. But it is weird that it was not discussed ahead of time and, like, you know, figured out the moment the preference sheet came out. Yeah. So Serena's like, she just doesn't give a shit about me. And that is how we end. This rift that will continue to grow and grow and grow. Well, thanks, everyone, for being here. I hope you all have loved

lovely plates to put your next meal on and I hope they do not cause as much strife as these plates caused between Lara and Zarina. Go check out our website, watchwhatcrappens.com to get tickets to our live shows and we will catch you on the next episode. Bye everyone. Bye. Watch What Crappens would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Alison King. Our way is the Amber way.

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We love him madly. It's Kyle Pod Shadley. We're ride or die for Lisa Ryder Barron. She's a whiz. It's Liz Sarthy. Always killing it. It's Lola Alcalani. The incredible edible Matthew Sisters. She eases our woes. It's Melissa St. Rose. We're on the floor with Molly Dorsett. Give him hell, Miss Noelle. There's a chance of meatballs. It's Rebecca Cloud.

She's the Queen Bee, it's Sarah Lemke. Shannon, out of a can, and Anthony. Let's take off with Tamla Plain. It's always a good time when you're wasting time with Bravo. She ain't no shrinkin' Violet Kuchar. We love you guys.

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