Shownotes Transcript
One of the reasons we love watching Bravo shows is for the luxury. I mean, come on, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Most of the time I can just watch it for the shots of the gorgeous city and the houses. And let's not forget Lisa Barlow's $60,000 ring that she lost. Oh, heck yeah.
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Hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker and joining me today is the hilarious and wonderful Ronnie Karam. Hi, Ronnie. How are you? Good. What's going on over there?
Well, it is Wednesday. What's going on over here is that I'm very excited because we can finally announce the first of our two new live shows. It is with great joy that we announced that on June 19th, we are going to be doing a show right here in Los Angeles at the Fonda Theatre.
And it's going to be amazing. Tickets are going to go on sale this Friday. There's some Amex pre-sales and things like that. So check that out. But tickets are on sale Friday at 10 a.m. Pacific. We are so, so excited to be doing an L.A. local show, especially at the Fonda. It'll be really cool. So check that out at WatchWhatCrapHands.com. We have our second show that we are adding, but we can't announce that until Friday.
So on Friday, we're going to announce and I believe the tickets will be going on sale on Friday as well. So get ready in whatever city you're in. But also next week, we're going to Austin and we're going to Dallas. Our tour is continuing on. And we also have announcements about what shows we are going to cover. Ronnie, will you tell everyone what we are going to recap at those shows? Yes. In Austin, we will be doing Summerhausen and that's
Just the next episode, the next new episode. And then in Dallas on Saturday, we're going to do a classic Vanderpump Rules episode, season six, episode five, sex, lies, and audio tape. Rotten hail. Rotten hail, Jax. Rotten hail. So that's what we're covering.
Yeah, so that'll be great. And then, of course, there's also Vegas the week after. So watch for crappins.com for all your ticketing needs. And also join us on Patreon at patreon.com slash watch for crappins to watch us with crappins on demand. And also to listen to our bonus episodes, various trailer trashes, White Lotus traders, things like that. So join us there.
And now for today, wow, we have an episode of The Valley. Such a dark season so far, but like riveting. What did you think, Ronnie? Dark, bleak, bleak show. Bleak, very bleak show, but still messy. You know, there's still some fun mess happening. But I could do without the violins playing while Jax drives to rehab. And I have to feel sorry for Jax. I do not feel sorry for Jax.
Just get him off the show. I don't want to see him driving. Sadly, I feel nothing. So stop trying. OK, fuck the violins. Get your little fucking Trixie Monaco violins out my ear show. I'm not happy. Yeah, we have no sympathy for Jax whatsoever. And I don't think he's going to do any of the hard work that he needs to do in rehab. And we already know he only stays for like two weeks or something. Not even not even two weeks. Right. Less than.
I don't even know at this point. I think he went twice. The first time, maybe he stayed. The second time, he didn't stay. I mean, I don't even know. And I don't really care. I mean, once you throw a coffee table at your wife with your kid in the house and bruise her and then punch holes in walls where your kid's in the house and throw bar stools where your kid's in the house, you're dead to me. And that's all I need to know. I don't care anything about that man anymore. Okay?
Okay. So let's start up with Jax. Jax is going to rehab. And then we go over to Britt's house. Cruz is swimming and Danny and Nia's. There's just shit everywhere. And we see in the hallway where they've got strollers lined up. They've got, what, four strollers lined up in that hallway? It's like a stroller parking lot in that hallway. Can't you just get like a four-person stroller or like two?
two two in the front two in the back kind of thing how do you walk all those strollers at this point just get a shopping a shopping cart and just just put some cushions in there and just put all four in the in the shopping cart and just push it around the one size fits all you know yeah and whenever they try to leave the valley it can have one of those things that grocery store carts have where it just stops them and won't let them like trap them in there dude
Just a perimeter around the entire San Fernando Valley. Sorry, children can't go farther than this. Theirs can't. Yeah, you're stuck. Although, did you read? I was going to bring it up in crappy hour this week, but we didn't get to it. Me and Danny found a home and bought a home in Santa Clarita. So what's happening, everybody?
You know, we've been pretty vocal about, like, why should they have to move all the way up to Santa Clarita just because Danny says so. But honestly, after seeing this episode...
That that apartment's just too small for them. They do have shit everywhere. And I don't even think that they're messy people. I feel like they just are overwhelmed. I'm like, you know what? OK, you guys deserve a McMansion. Get a McMansion up in the up in Santa Clarita to tuck all your shit away because it's actually getting hard to watch this. You know, yeah, it's a lot of strollers. We start off. It's a lot. You need they need like a stroller garage at this point, you know, especially because we know another one's going to come on the way.
So Danny's like, well, Jax is trying to seek help finally, honey. And she's like, mm-hmm. And he goes, yeah, I was in shock. I mean, I said, you know, dude, I'm happy for you, but you need to do this for yourself, for yourself, and for Cruz. Which is totally why he's doing it, and not because he's being forced by production or getting fired from the show after an abusive episode. It's just Jax being a good person and deciding to get help on his own.
Yeah. And to which Jax replied, who's Cruz? So then we go over to Zach and Kristen and Luke and Jasmine and Melissa, and they're at a bar together and they're all, they've all found out the news. You know, Luke is announcing that Jax is in rehab and Zach is like, he's like, what?
I'm like, I'm actually not. I wasn't personally that shocked when he checked into rehab because we just you just know it's like the checklist on a troubled celebrities path. Right. So you're like inevitably it was going to happen. But I guess they just weren't expecting it to happen during filming. So they're all shocked and they're.
They're they can't believe it's happening. And then we see Jason coming to Brittany's house. He's just dropped. I love when Jack says he's, he's like, I'm honestly shocked. I'm honestly so shocked. And his eyebrows are doing the like sideways triangle thing that they do. I'm like, yeah, but that's, that's what you look like when you run out of Nespresso pods. So how am I supposed to read you? That's true. He's shocked about everything. He's like crazy.
asleep or shocked so jason has now shows up at britney's house he's just dropped off jacks at rehab and she's asking how it went and everything and he's like well yeah you know i helped him checked in and stuff like that so you know we'll see how it goes like okay tell me everything cruise come on close because i want to hear how your daddy went into rehab
Yeah, and come close. Let's talk about daddy. Everything bad that daddy's done, come here close to mama. And he's like, well, you know, he's having a hard time. Like, he just keeps thinking every time it's something that he did to you, he's saying, but what about what she did to me? And then we cut to Jax in the car like, I mean, what about what she did to me? It's not like she did the same thing I do. Why does she get in trouble? Why does she get in trouble for anything? Yeah.
This is his ongoing issue and his beef, like, for years and years. And Jason is like, well, as concerned as I am for Jax, I mean, look, I have a kid now, and if my actions led me to not be able to see my kid, you know, I know that there's, like, a real, real issue. I'm like, well, you might know, because you seem like you have something, you have a brain in your head, but Jax doesn't know. When you're a narcissist like Jax, it just does not even ping on your radar. Yeah. So then...
Let's see. So he's like, yeah, you know, I told him everyone in the world could benefit from a 30 day cool off period. You know, like what's what's wrong with that? It's like a 30 day break. You know, you've got no responsibility but yourself. He's already got no responsibility but himself. He doesn't. Yeah. Isn't he like not paying for anything for the kid or giving her child support and all of that? I mean, come on.
Yeah, he has no responsibility. And so he's like, now he's 45 and he has a three year old son. Like even Jack Taylor has to grow up at some point. Not really. He he if he hasn't done it by now, I don't know if it's going to be happening anytime soon. The ship may have been have sold have sailed and been sold. It was sailed and then was sold for him growing up. Yeah, we live in L.A.
You don't have to ever grow up. Look around the streets of LA and you will see it everywhere. Just old, scraggly, overly tan dudes with the hair plug. So, and, you know, just kind of scratching their balls as they walk down the street, drunkenly, you know, I'm girls like 50 years younger than them. Like you don't have to change. Yeah. What'd you say? I said, but enough about my afternoon. Right.
So now we're trying to do the Ariana Scandaval thing, where all the girls came over to her house and it was like a big girl powwow, but it's this show, so it's kind of like a low-rent version of that. And also it's Jax. So the thing with Scandaval is no one really saw that one coming. Shockingly, no one really saw that coming. But this one, everyone's like, oh, hey. Janet's like, well, I was in the middle of making a casserole, but I did bring a piece if anybody wants some. So...
Are you okay? Brittany's like, no, but I'll be okay. And then, you know, Janet's saying like, well, I'm really glad you did that today. You know, I'm really glad that this happened. It's like, yeah, thank you so much. I just hope that he really likes seriously because I'm scared he's just going to charm everyone and I'll be like, not tell the truth.
And that's 100% what he's going to do. He's going to get in there. He is going to be, he's going to put on the Jack's charm. He'll be like, I know, I know I mess everything up, but like, you know, it's like people do things to me and he's going to, he's just going to, he's not going to take any lessons from it.
So Jason's like, "Yeah, I'm just so proud of him." I said, "When you're in there, you're a good dad, but when you're not doing it, you're a terrible dad." Well, I didn't say that. I just thought of that part right now. Okay. Well, there's too many ladies here. I need to go. Bye. So he leaves and Janet walks into the door and she's like, "Well, I'm just so proud of you for doing this, Jason. You're a good person. He wouldn't have gone without you. He wouldn't have gone without you. You're a good person, Jason."
Also, who's looking after our baby? I think it's the Instant Pot as the babysitter today. Okay, great. Yeah. She's like, call me if anything happens with the baby. The baby's over there, like, learning QuickBooks. What's the baby doing? The baby's already more emotionally advanced than Jax. They're like, wait a minute. We just got on the San Fernando...
Reddit right now and there's I'm a baby. Please help me. They keep trying to feed me something called casserole. Okay. The police have been called to our house. Please just go get the baby. Get the baby.
Wow. Well, I was a little shocked. I was not expecting that. Like, he needs to, you know, I never, I just, I never thought that Jax would go to rehab. And they're like, yeah. And they all want to, like, talk shit about Jax so badly. But Cruz is right there. So they're all just kind of, like, staring at Cruz, like, and Brittany's like, okay, well, you know, I just want to wait for Cruz to, oh, he wants to play with his mama. And they're all like, mm-hmm.
They're like, we drove up here. We drove up here. We need to talk shit. So can you put your child in another room? I didn't drive up here to shoot a scene with your son. And since when are you now going to decide not to talk about this shit in front of your son? Why does it have to be when we're here?
But she knows how to get rid of that kid. She goes, come here, cruisy. And just starts kissing him all over. And he's like, okay, bye. And he runs off. He's like, Jesus Christ. I didn't know I was going to a fucking walk-in car wash.
i felt like this little moment was actually such a relatable scene because how many times have you gone over to like a friend's house who has children and like you're just about to gossip and talk and then the kid walks in and then you have to smile and nod for like a really long time and you're like please child go to another room i have so much cheetah spell yeah they're just staring at the kid like she's gonna
She goes, I make you know, I go for Christ's sake. We've all got one. Okay. Send them away.
Um, so yeah, Brittany's like, oh, I'm doing some Friday's going to go charm everybody, you know, and depending on how long he stays, it's depending on his future. Like if he doesn't, I mean, where am I supposed to do if he doesn't stay there? What am I supposed to do? I mean, come on. Yeah. I mean like filing, restraining order and custody. That's what I'm going to do. And Michelle's like, if I were you, I would file tomorrow and do not look back. That is what I would do. Yeah.
So then we go over to Jesse's house and he's putting some croissants on a dish on his little kitchen island there and he's making tea and it turns out that Kristen and Luke have arrived and they're gonna have a little breakfast and Jesse says he's going to set up a fancy tea and coffee because they're very fancy. So then this music plays, Regal British Orchestra theme according to the subtitles and Kristen's like, "I'm having a tea party with Jesse."
And Isabelle's not here. Seriously? This is fucking growth. It's free croissants. You know, anybody from the Valley, including me, will cross the hill for something free. Okay? We're cheap in the Valley. I'll get my ass over there. Now, I will bring in a bag from Ralph's and...
And put them all in there because you know, Jesse's not eating that shit. Okay. I'm taking it. You have no need for this. Okay. Now just tell me what you need to do to Michelle. Cause that's the only reason you brought my ass over here in the first place. Just use me as the weapon. You need me to be, sir. What do you want? Yeah. And Chris, Chris even says, you know what? Michelle, we're doing what Jesse's been doing. Maybe we could become buddies again, but Michelle has made it very clear. She doesn't want anything to do with me. So I feel the same way. I'm like, I like that.
Kristen is like, she's just like on the market to be swayed. She's like, do you have croissants? I'll come to you. I'll join your side. Jesse's doing it. Jesse gave me some croissants. What about you? Morning buns? Come on. You got to play the game. All it would really take for Jesse to like get me is...
a carb, but she can't even do that. Coco. So they're talking about the white party and Jesse's like, yeah, I just, he's got such dead eyes. I just feel like he's going to kill somebody.
He just has these eyes that are like, yeah, I just don't know what's going on with Michelle. She's most likely with her boyfriend for the last two years. Oh, for Christ's sake. So what? If she cheated on you, you were not paying attention enough to even catch her. Okay? It's over. The game's over. You don't get to go replay Monopoly. Your money's gone. Okay, sir? Yeah.
Yeah, he really is so dead behind the eyes, which is what's funny about his interviews, because I feel like he's got like a hot pink lip in his interviews. Like they gave him like a little something so that way he wouldn't be just like a wall of white in the end, you know, on camera. But they gave him like a little bit too hot of a pink lip. So he has like these dead eyes, but a hot pink lip. And I just think it's like a very funny image.
Yeah, the hot pink lip. It's like half of my personality. Like I'm below deck. Yeah, he's obviously friends with Lara. Yeah, we're using that this week on Bravo to bring life to lifeless people. Pink lipstick!
I think lipstick changes everything. The Bravo trend of the week. So, yeah, he's like, you know, nothing about Aaron and Michelle adds up. Because there was a situation that happened with them while I was married. And Kristen's like, just to be clearer, the guy I was talking about, Michelle Singh last summer, that is not Aaron. Dun, dun, dun. I just were worried they weren't going to make that sound effect, so I made it myself.
Yeah, I mean, if Michelle wants to do the sound effect for me, I mean, then we could talk. But apparently until she does, until she steps up to the plate, it'll be all me. So Jesse is like, yeah, nothing adds up.
And so he has this whole conspiracy theory and he's like, well, she swears up and down that Aaron had said that he would never date a married woman or never date a woman with a kid. There's just too many things, you know, like his honey company that's been in my cabinet for two years. So now we see a cut to this honey company called Kilo, which I don't understand why it's called that because that's what I associate with like Coke.
you know and he's and it's it's his yeah yes ben i finally turned ben you guys ben's partying now ben's like just great i associate it with weights in britain um no no but seriously it's like think of like coke and then it's like he has this which by the way this guy aaron kind of
He looks to me like he might be a suspect on that front a little bit. Those eyes are bugging. Okay. And so we see him and Michelle like standing at like a little booth at probably one of these like natural food fairs or like in the lobby of a Sprouts, like handing out honey samples to Sheena, Nia, and Michelle. And they're all like, huh, yeah, that's really nice. And he's like, so Nia, what do you think of the honey? What do you think of it? And she's like, hold on. Whoa, wow.
Wow. Yeah. Delicious. It's fucking honey. Okay. What did you do special to the tiny? Okay. So let's look at people with their, their little honey tasting. Like it's honey. It tastes like honey. Just give me some, what's a dollar. Give me one. That's not $30. Why is honey $30? Well, well, his honey is especially expensive because it's laced with cocaine. That's why it's called kilo. I don't know. It's LA honey. Unfortunately, people are suffocating because they're trying to like snort it.
Or the bees are addicted to coke. The bees are all like aspiring actor, models, waiters. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappin's commercial.
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Oh man, the weather is warming up and it's nice and cool at night. It's the best time to be outside on my patio. And you know what I've wanted? I've wanted those like big club chair things that kind of swivel for the outside. And I found them at Wayfair, baby. No surprise there because Wayfair has all things outdoor. I am in the market for a nice outdoor coffee table and I know that I'm going to get it from Wayfair because I already looked and there's like five different ones I'm ready to buy. Well,
Well, right now I'm all about the outdoor seating. I'm pretty much finding every single piece on Wayfair, which is amazing. I mean, they're not joking around over there. And I've already furnished most of my indoors with it. It's just so easy. And I can even have people come put it together. It is so convenient. They have everything your home needs during the warm weather season and also free and easy delivery, even on the big stuff.
Shop a huge selection of outdoor furniture online this summer. Get outside with Wayfair. Head to Wayfair.com right now. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. Wayfair. Every style, every home. Yeah, so we see people saying like, oh, Jesse's not getting anything by being on this show. Yes, he is. We see his little thing that he thought was going to get on TV is his own little product thing.
you know oh you mean Aaron yeah what was I saying you said Jesse oh Jesse no Aaron so we yeah he got he got a free uh kilo honey promo out of it which was too sad to make into a real scene so it's just used as a black and white flashback it was truly sad it was like seeing them standing there like and you see Michelle Michelle trying to convince herself that she's actually enjoying handing out honey samples when she normally is used to like the high-powered world of you know
real estate and rob reiner and instead she's standing holding out little honey sticks and she's like this is fun i am happy with my choice um he goes yeah well you know uh here's the thing about michelle she started going to runyon canyon she was going in the mornings and then we see uh
we see her like coming back in a really good mood. Like, hello, honey. I went on a hike and I brought you back a smoothie. Isn't that sweet of me? And Kristen's making a suspicious face. And she says, in LA in the summer, the top, that's like the top of skinny mountain. You're not wearing a drop of me.
Okay, but when we saw the clip, she wasn't wearing makeup. I mean, they're making it sound like she was like getting all hoochied up and climbing to the top of the mountain to bang somebody. But she came back looking like she had hiked Runyon Canyon. Now her expression said, I just totally got laid. So I will say that. And I had makeup on in the beginning of that process. But yeah, no, first of all, to be fair, I have seen many people with full faces of makeup at Runyon Canyon. Me too. In 95 degree weather.
And again, I hate to say it, but this is LA. Of course, there's people in makeup on there. They can walk up there with like 10 pounds of rubber injected into their face. Why wouldn't they wear makeup? No one cares about the heat. It's worth it for the beauty. They'll do it.
So then Jesse's like, and then I'd be like, why aren't you wearing your wedding ring? And she was like, well, you know the diamond. I don't feel super safe walking the streets. And I'm like, well, what about your wedding band? And then when I go on to his Instagram on New Year's Day, I click on his profile and I click on that honey company and I'm like, the motherfucking honey. I remember going to Whole Foods and I say, hey, I can't find the honey. And she goes, well, I get it at a
place near Runyon. And guess where his house is? You got it. Runyon, Runyon, USA. The Honey Runyon conspiracy is hilarious to me. It actually sounds like it may have some merit. I don't care. I'm just going to let her have it because it's too funny to be mad at. Well, where would she get it near Runyon anyway? Like Disco Ralphs?
Yeah. She's definitely not getting it from that Ralph's. That's what's near Runyon. At first I was thinking of Beachwood, but that's not what they said. I was like, well, maybe it's the Beachwood country store, but if they're in Runyon, I'm trying to think of like what special, unless it's one of those little Franklin places. No, there's no, there are no specialty food stores around there. There's no health food stores. There's no, there's no Erewhon near there. Um,
um it would have to come from rock and roll ralphs and i guarantee rock and roll ralphs wouldn't even have it so yeah i mean it's it's clearly she's clearly getting well but here's the thing to be fair to this guy whatever's faces aaron i can definitely see him being a guy who's really annoying and sets up a little table at the base of running and ends like who wants to buy my honey
Yes, he probably is one of those people like donate a dollar, take a honey and this is a donation jar. Yeah, yeah. So he could just have a little table there. So I don't see it anywhere. I don't see Kilo Honeyware. I put where to buy Kilo Honey in Los Angeles and it's not showing. Okay, well, Kilo Company Honey is here. So, okay, go ahead and keep reading. It's $25. Wow. They're partners, Oakberry Acai. Acai. Yeah.
Yeah, where he doesn't, this is actually kind of hilarious that he doesn't actually list, oh, there's Michelle, doesn't list where you can get it. If you click on the recipes tab of Kilo Honey, there's a creepy ass picture of Michelle holding up a vanilla honey latte with what's supposed to be a heart. It looks just kind of like, just like a triangle. And she's like, here is my vanilla honey latte. Yeah.
I know how to make a latte. Hold on. Let me make a latte for you. First, you put in the espresso, and then you put in the honey, and then you get milk in a separate thing, and you do this. Okay.
So yeah, he's sure that she had an affair with this guy and she got some honey out of it and then was kind of bragging about it by saying, "I got it somewhere next to Runyon. Dun dun dun. Who's a penis next to Runyon Canyon?" Now I just have to go on record. I read a lot of internet hate towards Michelle. I think Michelle can be an asshole too. So I'm not like gonna go crazy standing up for Michelle. But Jesse is so clearly gross
That I would say cheating is never right. But if you're going to do it, cheat on Jesse. Because that man never slept with her, never gave her any attention. He was a horrible fucking husband, admittedly so. Go get your honey on Runyon, girl. Like, if I was friends with that girl, I would say cheat on his ass. Cheat.
Listen, that's what I say. She has about as much personality as a tongue depressor, but the truth is that he is awful. He is awful. And so it's one of those moments where you see some movies and you see someone cheat on someone and you're like, what? Awful, awful. How terrible. But then you see some movies where they cheat on someone and you're like,
Good for you. Do it. Live your life. You're doing it. And I kind of just feel the latter for her. I don't endorse cheating, but I endorse making Jesse feel like shit. So I think I'm really with you on this one. And also he's just at this point trying to get ammo for something that's already over. Like it's over. You can't go replay it.
So anyway, he's like, you know, I'm just trying to stay calm and stay grounded and show personal growth. And Kristen's like, yep, that's what you're supposed to do. Personal growth. Dong. Yep. Ding dong ding dong ding ding dong dong. And so Luke's like, yeah, nice. So Jesse has decided to plan a Santa Barbara getaway for the gang. And he found a reserved house and he rented it.
So Luke's like, yeah, cool. I'm being invited somewhere by an alpha. Yeah. And Jesse basically is inviting Michelle and Aaron because he has to. And he can torture them. Like he's not going to torture them. Like he's like, I'm going to try to publicly humiliate Michelle and her new bug eyed boyfriend. So everybody come.
Yeah, precisely. And so he's like, um, yeah, so I'm going to invite like Jan. I'm, you know, I think there may, I'm going to invite her. So then Chris is like, well, if you need any help in planning, I'm very great at planning trips. I'm like,
Is that your thing? I thought you're like a terror on trips and everyone tries to avoid you on vacation. Yeah, I don't think we've had any video evidence of Kristen being great at planning trips, but whatever you say, I'll go with you. I know she's probably just high from getting the free croissant, you know? Yeah, she's just saying crazy things now. The butter's gone to her brain. So then we get the ringtone and the sound of a casserole, which is crazy. I didn't even know they had those. It just sounds like this.
A casserole being slapped onto a plate. Yeah. Eggie. And it's, uh, it's Janet. So Kristen's making a look like, oh my God. Oh my God, it's Janet. What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? But they're like, answer it. Like, what the fuck else would you do? So she answers it. And Janet's like, um, Kristen, it's Janet. I'm doing my birthday party this week at Dave and Buster's. So.
That should be fun. And, um, you know, I would obviously love for you to be there. Um, as long as you don't say anything about me, you know, losing if I'm playing a game called baby. And Kristen's like, um, um, when is it? Uh, what is it? When is this party? That's then sports. And she's like, it's Friday night. Um, uh,
you guys can help me out. What should I, should I say suck a dick? What do I do right now? And they, the guys just like stare at her like, you gotta answer. So she goes, um, well, I don't know. So she tells us that she doesn't, she's not sure if she wants to go, but you know,
like had janet just given a heartfelt apology back at the white party it would not be an issue but she just doesn't know what to do but she basically is like well thank you for calling that was really kind of you ah i'm losing my signal mariposa and then she just hangs up so then we go over to janet and jasmine hanging out um
And Jasmine's like, yeah, you know, Kristen told me she's helping plan for Santa Barbara. And Janet's like, what? She's like, yeah. I mean, I just, I like, I can't believe she's helping him. Like, I mean, what are the odds? Like she used to not like him and now she's helping him. I mean, what's going on with those two? Right. It's crazy.
And Janet's like, well, because obviously Chris and I have been on the outs for, like, a while, but, like, she and Jesse were, like, gonna, like, murder each other last summer. I mean, no casserole could have ever mended that relationship, and yet here we are. And Jasmine's like, mind blown. Mind blown. Absolutely insane. So then we go to Michelle and Aaron.
And by the way, I just want to clarify, my mind is blown that I'm actually getting camera time right now. That's it. I don't really care about those other two. I'm just like, I can't believe they're filming me. Yeah. So then we go to Michelle and Aaron eating out.
And they're talking about this Santa Barbara trip. And he goes, so when you say everyone's going, do you mean, should I bring the hunting table? She's like, you do not have Dugum, but everybody, including Jazzy, is going Dugum. And he goes, yeah, I'll probably miss that one. Can I give you a QR code to wear on your T-shirt?
I'll be busy combing my chest hair to make perfect swirls. So then we go to Nia and Kristen and they are going to an acupuncture place. It's called Wildflower. Wildflowers are kind of my thing this season. I've just had a baby shower that was themed wildflowers. Yeah. Also, I eat them out of traffic medians. I'm naming my baby Milkweed. Is that a wildflower?
Don't know should be I'm naming much name my baby dandelion dandelion milkweed Then the line milkweed generic white thing that sticks up on the side of the highway. You know those flowers seriously I
That's sweet. So they're just talking about smoothies and stuff and Hailey Bieber smoothies being so expensive. And then Kristen's talking about how, you know, it's like they're talking about fertility and the journey, et cetera, and how Nia has really recommended fertility acupuncture. So she's been going twice a week to get pregnant. Yeah. So she goes in and she gets stuck with a bunch of stuff.
And she's like, it's so stressful. We have a very small window. Like sex is fun, but when you have to do it, Luke, I mean, trying to get Luke up. Oh my God. It's not fun. So Nia's like, yeah, on our fertility journey, they said that I have unexplained fertility. And so that's basically when they look at everything in you and everything looks fine, but you're infertile and you don't know why. So they say unexplained fertility.
Can the doctors do better than that? Can we at least come up with some sort of like, just make up something that sounds better than unexplained fertility? - Doctors aren't even trying anymore. You know what they're like, we're gonna just charge people like half of their income to come to the doctor for a cold. And then we'll just start naming things like, I don't know. Hey, you've got a really bad case of the, I don't know.
Yeah. Can you just like come up with something called like fertility, dracon, draconitis, or it's like, well, this is when your body is, is doing well, but unfortunately the body does reject the egg instead of like unexplained infertility. Yeah. Like, you know what? We know you're suffering. We figured out what it is. It's called, huh? It's called, it's called, can you give me five minutes? I'm going to go to Starbucks and probably not come back to this office. Okay. Yeah.
I don't have a very specific diagnosis. But she got pregnant, as we know, three times over, soon to be four times. So, yeah, and then she gets choked up because she knows how hard it is when you're trying to have a baby. And every month you get your hopes up and then it doesn't happen. And it's very hard. So, you know, it's true. She gets emotional. And I want to say it's true. It's a very true, honest moment.
So then Kristen's saying, talks about her pregnancy loss and talks about how wonderful women have miscarriages. And she just was, she's just getting nervous that maybe having a baby might not be in the cards for her. Yeah. And she says that when she was pregnant before that, she, she imagined that there was a soul waiting up for her in heaven. And she's like, I hope that that, you know, like, I hope the soul didn't go, but I don't think the soul dies. So that's. Yeah. So think of it that way.
You're still gonna get that soul, it's just coming at a later time. So then she gets acupuncture. I don't know, it's LA, it's fucking LA. And anyway, you don't need a soul in LA. - Yeah, that's the thing. Not a lot of souls. It's definitely not on this cast. - Your child doesn't need to be born with a soul. It just needs to be born with a gym membership.
- A SAG card. - Yeah. - There was a SAG card that was waiting to come for me. So Nia is talking about like how, "Oh, if I leave Daniel for any length of time," 'cause she still calls him Daniel. "If I leave Daniel for any length of time, I try to have someone to help." And Kristen's like, "Looks so good with kids though. And he looks like Santa Claus. Not like Vincent Van Gogh. Thanks a lot, internet."
We see the Van Gogh picture next to Luke's picture, which is so funny. I feel like we have to credit, I think it was our listener. One of our listeners messaged us last year and said,
Luke looks just like Vincent van Gogh. I mean, put it up on the gram. And then I have to say, I think that listener started the Luke looks like Vincent van Gogh thing. So whoever you are. It was a pretty big thing on the internet. Yeah. Luke is this van got. But didn't he look like somebody else? Oh, no, that was Abe the Babe, I'm thinking. Sorry. Kidding my...
My historical figures mixed up. So then we go to Daniel's stroller parking garage and Luke comes over, which I think it's so funny that Luke's coming to everybody's house. Does everybody really hang out with Luke? I get the impression that they don't because he seems shocked to be everywhere. And everyone's like, oh, it's Luke. Luke, come here. Hold on. Let me put down a newspaper on the couch. Okay. Have a seat right there. Okay.
Yeah, we haven't even seen Jill this season. Even Jill's avoiding Luke. So, yeah, Luke comes over and he's talking to Danny and talking about how the miscarriage was harder for Kristen than for him, which is normal. And they're talking about fertility doctors and, you know, having sex and all that stuff. And so we're still cross-cutting. We're cross-cutting back to acupuncture.
And we're just talking about baby making lots of baby making. Yeah. I don't need that from this show. You know what I mean? I know it's like you all go to the Valley, you pop out kids and you're going to have a show about that. I don't need it to actually, I don't need you to, I don't need to see the kids and I don't need to see the babies and I don't need you to talk about it. Just, let's just start fighting, you know?
let me get any of this so so danny is um asking luke how long they've been together and luke is saying he has ideas for a proposal for kristen and danny's like wow that's pretty cool and um here's how i proposed to nia we just gotten back from church and uh i hid behind the door and i came out with blood all over my face i went oh
And she fainted. And when she woke up, she was wearing a ring. Lucky girl. Lucky girl. She was missing an arm, though. So I was eating it when she woke up. I'm method. It was an honor. It was an honor to be able to practice my craft during that proposal. So Danny's like, hey, by the way, are you in the boys chat? And Luke's like, no. Oh, yeah. It's really insane what they're saying on that thing. I mean, yeah.
It's pretty gross. And then everyone's talking about like this text chat that we, they hinted at last week and now it's coming back. And apparently there's like 20 guys on it and they are probably saying all sorts of shit that would get them fired and canceled five times over. And Jason's not in it because he's on an Android, which I love that this fight just keeps going on in every friend group.
It's so true. It's like, we need all blue bubbles. One of my group chats, there's only one guy now that's still on the Android. One of the most hardcore people finally came to an iPhone. She's like, I'm just sick of this shit. So she finally moved over. But we've got one guy who's still on an Android. We'll all be sending memes back and forth and stuff. And then we'll get something from him, and it's just a tiny dot. Because you know they'll send a GIF, but it's this big.
We're like, "God damn it, no one can read this!" "Why is your Android sending it like this?" Oh, God. And sometimes with those Androids, when you send a text out, you're like, "Okay, I'm gonna include some Android people in the group text."
And it does weird shit. It causes the group text to like split up into two different threads sometimes. And people are like, is this the original thread? Is this the one? And you have like a day of people trying to be on the right thread. Oh, it's just, it's terrible. That's terrible. If someone's on Android, at that point, you just go over to WhatsApp because you're just not going to, I'm not willing to do proper text messaging with those green bubbles.
So Jesse is – Jason's not on there. He's not on the boys' chat, which is made very clear here. And Jason's like, you know, from what I've heard – we see a flashback where he's saying, from what I've heard about the group chat, it's locker room talk and, like, not stuff that Janet would really like. So –
And Jesse said, yeah, you know, when I was first year in boy chat, I was voted rookie of the year. So I guess now it's this guy. Right. And Danny's like the number one rule of boys chat is what happens in boys chat stays in boys chat.
So then we cut to him immediately breaking boys chat rules by whispering to Luke on camera. Like, why is he even whispering? He's so messy. And he's like, Jesse made a comment saying, how is Michelle afford in her place when she hasn't made a commission in two years or whatever? And he said, I have evidence that she's sleeping with a billionaire for fifteen hundred and nine.
I'm just like, what is happening with those two? Looks like, yeah. I'm like, holy cow, this is out of control.
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So then we go over to Jesse and Jason meeting up for coffee. And so they sit down and Jason's like, "Hey man, how you doing?" And Jesse's like, "I'm okay. It's been interesting 18 hours." He's like, "Okay, well, you're coming to Dave & Buster's?" He's like, "Yeah."
"Well, tell me, what's going on?" So Jason's like, "Well, I think everyone's invited, although I don't know about Zach. I mean, I just am not sure if I'm super comfortable with that guy around alcohol. Like, does he even know how to handle himself around alcohol?" So I'm like, "Okay, well, the slander of Zach is gonna continue, but the irony is that we're about to find out that it's Danny who is the real disaster, but that Zach is the one you don't invite, even though Danny is the one who does actual problematic behavior." - Right, and you still invite Jacks everywhere.
right so that's obviously not so uh but zach no um so he's like i mean yeah he doesn't know how to control himself on alcohol and jesse's like well what's happening with danny and alcohol though like danny's been pretty bad because no you know danny's been good i mean he got drunk twice this year i guess he just gets you know he gets drunk and everybody knows about it so that's not great and he goes yeah
He'll have a couple drinks, but then he'll go sneak shots by himself. And it's because he's stuck with kids. He never goes out. He doesn't go to happy hour. He doesn't do any of that. So when he does go out, he goes hard. But when he goes hard, he acts like a total idiot. Yeah. So Jason's like, yeah, he's been on some of the best behavior. I mean, I think he kind of hit rock bottom there.
uh like he did on like i know remember on halloween i'm like oh god we're already at another cast member at rock bottom so jason's like yeah so not too long ago jason jasmine was in a situation where danny was blackout drunk and was like really really inappropriate you know he walked up to jasmine and put his hand on her thigh and said get daddy a drink you know referring to himself as daddy i'm like yeah i figured i figured it was himself jason thank you and i'm sure he was not referring to an elderly gentleman in the corner of the room yeah
And then she went to get the drink and then he put his hands on the girlfriend's butt. And he was like, uh, Hey Melissa. Yeah. Get down.
did a little squeeze there. And so he's disgusting. We find out. So he's like, yeah, you know, I mean, I'm shocked, but I mean, I guess he said, sorry, you know, I mean, he's not going to do it again. So, and otherwise he's in pretty good control of his life. I mean, just look at him. Looks totally happy.
Plays a zombie for under five lines occasionally. Has strollers stacked to the gills. Threatening not to give his wife another baby unless she changes zip codes. You know, everything seems totally happy with him. He seems great.
But Zach is the real one you have to look out for. I mean, does he put his hands on anyone and say things inappropriate to women? No, but like he gets, he raises his voice a little bit. So then Jesse is like... Well, I guess I would argue that he does say inappropriate things to women, but they're not sexual. I meant more like lecherous. Just gay inappropriate, not lecherous inappropriate. So Jesse's like, fine, well...
By the way, I was looking at the invitation for tonight. It's the Dave & Buster's in Northridge. Okay, fuck off, Janet. Fuck off, Janet. You know what? This whole episode, I was thinking... Yeah, this whole episode, I was thinking, Janet's not so bad in this episode. Like, really? Like, she had a pretty good episode for Janet, I think. Yes, she did. But fuck Janet. When I heard they were going to Northridge, why would you go all the way to Northridge? It's literally right over the hill from you.
It's right there. I was shocked. I literally was like, wait, you're not going to the Hollywood one? You're going to Northridge? And I genuinely felt bad for Jesse because he was already in the valley right now to shoot this scene, and he was going to have to go home and then go back to the Northridge
to go to Dave and Buster's later that evening. I was like, that is, I mean, it could have happened to a better person, but still, I was like, that is- - Hell no. I live in the Valley. I would not go to Northridge to the Dave and Buster's. But then, you know what? Later when we see them all arrive and I see how they're dressed, I'm like, that's why they're going to Northridge. These are Northridge feet. This is like Northridge fashion. Like they ain't going to Hollywood dressed like that. So it made more sense.
i will say when they showed up at that i've never been to the northridge dave and busters but when they went in there and there was like you go up an escalator i was like oh this is a big one maybe i get i kind of get it a little bit this is like this is like the this is like a luxury dave and busters
You go up an escalator to get to the Hollywood one. But the escalator's not in the Dave & Buster's. It's just that there's an escalator in the facility. But this one was like an escalator in Dave & Buster's, and that made it seem very glamorous to me. Yeah, it looked very glamorous. So Jussie's pissed because he has to go to Northridge, and no one can blame him. But you know what? Northridge does not have a ban on more than five people at a time in Rayon.
So they go. So then we go to Brental Brittany's rental house and she's like, oh my God, I'm afraid dogs are going to wake up. Cruz, be quiet dogs. You'll wake them up before Cruz does. So Kristen, Luke and Zach come over and Kristen's like, oh my God, I'm having a wardrobe panic. I have to go out tonight to see Janet.
So Luke and I decided we're gonna go to Janet's birthday party Basically, we were iced out of filming all of last year and we don't want to miss another another shred of camera time So it's been a really different I was thinking it must have been really difficult for Janet to actually invite me to her birthday party And so, you know, I have to give her a lot of credit for that So also like Jasmine got she has to be nice to me because it's Dave and Buster's is her happiest place on earth and nothing could ever bad happen at Dave and Buster's
Um, Brittany's like, I wish you were coming. So I have that would be fun, but you're not going to be able to come cause you said so many things and we're not mean. That's not what we're going to do. Right? So I have some guy, but obviously I wish you were there, but you ain't going to be there. And he's like, um, I was like, like, um, but like missing your best friend, but like, that's okay. Like, go ahead and have fun. Hold on. Let me give you a shocked face. Shocked face. Shocked face. This is shocked face.
Like, it didn't piss me off that I wasn't invited to her party, because as Kristen's demonic friend, I don't like that she was going to invite me anyway. I don't feel like she was going to invite me anyway. But, like, obviously, we haven't, like, really talked anything out, and we're, like, not on great terms. But I look at it as, like, you're inviting Kristen and not me. Is it because my floors are so dirty that my boyfriend won't even walk on them? Is that why? Because that's hurtful.
Okay, guys, let us talk about Santa Barbara. I was like, this is going to be fun. But, you know, we all want Jesse and Michelle to get on the same page for Isabella. So speaking of that, I was at Danny's and he said that Jesse said in the guys chat that Michelle's a whore for $1,500 a night for a billionaire. Whoops. Did I say that?
you know, Jesse saying this is obviously shit. Did, did, I mean, did it make me smile, laugh a little bit? Like, yeah, but it's going to go out.
He's like, I don't like these games of telephone. That's what I'm going to play it. So if they don't get the concise truth from me, then there's no way to spin this. I'm saying it how it was. Or you just not say it at all. It's a literal game of telephone. It's coming off of a telephone chat, which is so funny. So Kristen's like, I mean, Michelle sucks, but like, I don't like that they're calling her hooker. That's not cool.
And she goes, I mean, I just became part of Team Jesse. You know, do I have to, like, give back my card? I mean, I did take all the croissants, so it's not like he can take those back from me. I hit him. I hit him.
They stupid guys show you it's just grown and grown and now there's like 25 or 30 guys in it and they're just all dumbasses and if you want your divorce to go more smoothly, maybe start by not accusing your not yet ex-wife of being a freaking hooker. 25 guys in a group chat. This is wrong. Forget about even what they're saying. This is too many people in a group chat. That's a disaster. How do you invite that many people into a group chat? I would literally never, never, ever, ever. I would leave it
instantly it's a lot of only fan screenshots to be sending back and forth it's a lot of dings so um now it's time for janna's birthday let's go to northridge and janet's like oh my god my thing is dave and busters i'm like super into dave and busters i love dave and busters dave and busters is the best place on earth wow dave and busters basic
Basic. You are basic. She's having fun at Dave & Buster's. I did notice that Janet likes to frequent a lot of the games that I like to frequent, which makes me scared for myself because sometimes Janet does things where I see a little bit too much of myself in Janet and I just have to face that hard truth. I just have to accept it that I'm a little bit too similar to Janet and that's my cross to bear. But everyone's showing up and it's fun and there's...
It's what? It's quite a cross.
Yeah, well, you know, it's just a harsh reality. It's a hard one. Heavy cross to bear, buddy. All right, so people start showing up, and Jana's like, look at how Michelle's dressed. I think that she thinks Dave & Buster's is like an exclusive club. I mean, it's Dave & Buster's. You wear fanny packs and tank tops with ruffles on the collar for no reason. That's what we do here. Yeah, so...
then uh so people are saying hi so michelle and jesse are both there and aaron too aaron's like he is his eyes are bigger than ever he's taking it all in and michelle is saying like oh hey you know
Jesse's right there and she's like you know it's funny I wasn't allowed to wear makeup when we were married because he's like I hate girls who wear makeup and then they get makeup on my shirt Jesse's like fuck this bitch and he walks off yeah he's like does it bother me that Michelle takes jabs no I just expect it at this point yeah she doesn't need to be doing that either like why why are you coming somewhere with your new boyfriend and then trying to start a fight with Jesse just leave it you know so
So then Janet is going to the prize room to pick things that she would like. And it's pretty much Janet taste in there. She's like, oh, my God, the ding, ding, ding neon sign. That's pretty good. I want that. Yeah. I need to get the ding, ding, ding neon sign. And I also need a shirt that says winner. That's very important to me. Yeah. So she talks about her methodology of going to the prize room first to set her goal for what the day is going to be.
She gives the perfect gift of a gift to all the Janet haters out there. She just goes, I'm such a loser. Yeah.
So then everyone's doing games and stuff. And then Britt pulls Nia and Michelle. And she's like, hey, so I just want to say this as soon as this started. So that way we can have a full fun, not a drama. Because that way we can have fun. Okay. Because, you know, some people would say have your fun first. At least that way you can have innocent fun and then drop bombs. But I'm going to drop the bomb at the start of the night. Okay. And that way you can have fun.
Zero to no fun while you play skee-ball. Okay, you ready? I don't have a lot of money for the skee-ball machine. So we're just going to do this now. Yeah, that's what it is actually. It's like, I'm going to save money. I'm not putting my money into this fucking place. All right, we have to pay for Jax's rehab. Jesus Christ. All right, let's just get some free entertainment.
pin the tail on the donkey so she's like all right i'm gonna do it right now michelle okay you ready hold yourself okay you're not holding yourself hold yourself okay today zach and chris and luke came over and they said that danny saw the group chat or something that he told luke and jesse you're hooking up with a billionaire for 1500 a night now i know that's not true because if it was true you would have bought me a dating busters card with some money on it so i could play the skeeball but it's not true right is it true do you have his number do you have his number let me call him
Hell dear him. Hell dear him. Yeah, and after all the lawsuits. And so Michelle is like, he is a horrible person. I am shaking because no matter what, like if I left the divorce to get away from, this is why I want divorce, to get away from this. He's just making my life harder.
Then's the moment I do a jazzy. I want to do vile board divorce. All he wants is revenge. So she's crying rightly so. Cause she was just called a hooker on national TV. And, uh, Brittany's like, you know what we need to do now? We need to call Danny. Danny, come on down. Come on, Danny. Make this funner. Make this more funner. Come on. So they call Danny's like, Oh, what's going on ladies. Hey, Danny.
bring daddy a drink. Anyone want to get daddy a drink? Okay. Get your hands off my boobs. Okay. It was nice try though. Okay. Danny. So earlier today, Luke said that he went to your house and it was, there were a lot of strollers there. So that too, he said it was real fun. Smell good. Like diaper, like diaper buttons. Okay. Now listen, did, did he say that Michelle was hooking up with millionaire for money? Yes. No, Danny. And then he's just like, Danny looks straight into the camera. Like he's like,
I'm dead. Dang it. So Brittany's like, cause we need to make sure he actually said it's that way we can be like, Jesse, why would you say that? And Nia's like, Daniel, is that what, is that what you told Luke the other day, Daniel? And he's like, oh,
Better say it or not. Yes or no. And he's like, well, this was shed. And Michelle's like, oh, no. And she's like, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo. Okay, it's okay. Well, now we know it's not true, Michelle. Now we know it's true. Now we know it's true. Now we know what's not true is true that he said was true, but we know it's not true. Does that make any sense? And he's like, um, Danny. And he goes...
Yeah, this is going to come back to bite me real bad. This is going to come back on me. Danny, you said it on national television, sir. You said it on camera with a microphone on. Why are you acting so shocked that it came out? To Luke, who's already been, Luke is a gossip. And she's like, it's too late, Daniel. It was sad. Now you got to own it, Daniel. You got to own it.
So he's like, yeah, Luke, why are you doing this, dude? I mean, I thought we were boys. I mean, even though I told you something, you don't go tell Brittany, who of course is going to tell Michelle. I mean, why couldn't we just keep this on the down low? Keep it on the lockdown. Come on, bro. And Michelle's just like sobbing there. I just want to fucking get divorced and never talk to him again. I hate him. I try. I can't do it anymore. No.
And she's like, "Danny, why the hell is Jesse even saying that? Why is he saying it? You tell me right now." And Michelle's like, "How could he say that? How could he just blurt it out? How could?" And so now Kristen and Luke come and they're like, "Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi." And Brittany's like, "Oh God." And Michelle says, "Well, he's the one who was broke. He should be doing it instead. And he cannot pay rent. He spent all of his money. He left me with nothing."
So apparently on the after show, she said that once she gave birth, they had made millions of dollars in their business together, the real estate business. And they made all this money. And then once she gave birth, Jesse decided to quit working and she couldn't work because she was a new mother. And so he never went back to work. So another one of them works. That's crazy. Quit working. Wow. That's what she said on the after show. And she said he doesn't pay any child support or anything. And, um,
That's bad. She's sitting here, she's like crying. And I believe her. And she's saying that he spent all their money and he doesn't pay any, like not a dollar of child support. And, you know, she's like, and now he's making up a rumor about me. And he was like, no one believes it. I have a daughter. He doesn't care. Which is true. Like, why would you be saying this stuff? Like, no, like...
Just having Jax on that group chat is you're gonna be your biggest liability Like why would you say something like this knowing that I could become public and like this is something that then your daughter might hear about your mom like That her mom it's ridiculous. Well, we find out in just a moment why he did it but Luke comes over and he's like hello Hi, it's me Luke fun Luke everybody. I
And Danny's like, whoa, bro, it's about to get real, real right now. It's a real, real, it's a real, real right now because of you. And Michelle's like, it is my, it is my fault that my husband never wanted to judge me or gives me or give me a compliment or ugly for years.
So then Danny goes over to Jesse, who's standing there with Jason. And he's like, oh, just found out some information. So Luke was over and I mentioned that Michelle might be sleeping with a billionaire for money. And then that information got to Brittany. And now Brittany told Michelle. And now Michelle's over there crying. And Jesse's like, great.
And Jason's like, well, I mean, here's the thing about libel and slander. I mean, is it true? Because if it's true, then like, you know, what do you have to worry about? So this is for everybody saying what a great guy Jason is. There he is. No, he's not. Who the fuck says that? If he's sleeping with a billionaire, then don't worry about it. So he's like, I'm really glad I have an Android phone. I'm not going to do all this. So Jesse is like, well, guess what?
I'm gonna have an explanation that makes total sense to everyone. I said that as a joke because Jax is worried that there's a mole in the group and because of all this stuff about who he's dating and where he's dating them and all of a sudden it's getting back to all the people's wives and getting back to Brittany. You have 25 people in your group. That's why you have 25 people in your group. Your group chat should not be larger than like eight people. - Yeah, and so he was like, yeah, so we decided we're gonna have a mole, a mole smoke out.
And I said, you know, look, this guy's going to be on mole chat. And so if there's a mole, we're going to smoke him out. Maybe it's Danny. And Danny's like 100 percent. It's not me, boys. OK. And he's like, oh, yeah, well, he jumped on the boys chat. And now there's things about Jack's coming out. Now it's about me. I don't think he understands the sanctity of the boys chat.
I am not the mole. But in this instance, I did do some mole-like activity, which I think also demonstrates that I am actually a very proficient actor. And if anyone is looking to catch the mole in any of their features, please speak to my agent. You broke the number one rule of boys chat. You talked about the boys chat. Oh, stop. None of you are Brad Pitt. Just stop. You don't even have an Ed Norton amongst you.
You don't even have Norton antivirus amongst you. You don't have anything that's antiviral. But I'm going to say this. I think that this whole thing that Jesse was trying to smoke at the mall is a total bullshit.
I think he said it in earnest and now he's just trying to backtrack because it looks so bad. So Janet is like, so why is Michelle crying? And they tell her and Jesse's like, yeah, well, I guess Danny came over to me and said something in confidence to Luke and Luke told Brittany and Brittany told Michelle. Janet's like, mm-hmm. Yeah, well, there's nothing in confidence in this group and also I'm at a high ticket game. So could you just give me some space? I'm trying to pull this lever back so the ball goes around the spinny thing and lands in the hole perfectly. Thank you so much. Mm-hmm.
And she's like, yeah, I feel bad for Michelle, but nobody cries at Dave and Buster's. I'm trying to win the push point, the coin push. Okay. Keep it to yourself.
So then Michelle's still over there crying and she's like, yeah, I mean, Jesse said told everyone in the boys chat. I'm sleeping with a billionaire and she tells this to Aaron and Aaron's like, why are you worried about it? Are you out of honey? Do you need more honey? You know what helps with emotional distress? Honey, honey, kilo honey. Get it wherever you get your kilo.
of honey i got this great idea i got this great idea what if we open up a honey ski ball table at runyon so people roll jars of honey up a ramp and try to get them into holes i think this could be a breakthrough moment for us he's like this isn't too much for you you're the strongest person i know i mean you climb runyon in a full face of makeup babe you can you can do this
So Melissa and Jasmine are talking to Jesse and Jasmine's like, I mean, here's my thing. Like, I'm just, I'm confused. Like, there's like the whole Danny, there's the text, there's her crying. I'm like, what the fuck just happened? Right? Anybody? Like, what? What? What's going on? This group is absolutely crazy. Like, what? Yeah.
And Jesse's still doing this thing like, I'm just trying to smoke out the mole. And Danny came over and said something to me. And I'm like, so you're the fucking mole. I'm like, you're trying to deflect this onto Danny. This was all you, sir. So now Michelle, all of a sudden, now this is where things get real wild. Michelle suddenly walks up to Britt.
And Michelle has now a smile. And for a moment, you think, oh, good. Like, Michelle's like, you know what? I'm not going to let this stupid rumor bring me down. I'm at Dave & Buster's, and I'm going to have fun tonight. So she's like, I decided that I really want to go to Santa Barbara. I really want to be with you and support you and be with my friends. But I'm like the thought of Jesse in the house. Why would he be in the house? So forget him. If he wants to go, he needs to stay in the hotel, and we're going to stay in the house.
So in my mind, I had forgotten some of the basics of how this trip was put together. And I was like, oh, yeah, that sounds reasonable. I was like, yeah, that's reasonable. Sure. Go, go, go for it. I'm all in favor of this, Michelle.
But then we remember that it's his trip and he booked the house. He organized it. I had totally forgotten. So I was like, yeah, do it, Michelle. So she's going around. She's like, we need a vote. We are going to take a vote about it. What do you vote, Brittany? She's like, I'll vote for you. That's what I vote for. I love voting. I mean, not in elections or nothing. I ain't taking responsibility for none of that. But I'll vote for this.
I want to be with my girlfriends and I feel like I need to have a little break. Okay. Team Michelle, who is on it? And Janet's like, sure. Yeah. Okay. I'll vote for you. I don't, I don't really know. I got, I got a basketball hoop. I got to throw some things into. So leave me alone. Please get away from me. I'm about to win the Dorothy card. Okay.
the wizard of Oz coin push machine. That's my favorite. So then, um, and Michelle's going around trying to get votes. And it's funny because Michelle's like desperate to get votes. And I'm like desperate to get people like Michelle, not to vote. It's just like the irony, irony. Yeah. Um, it's like a manic, it's a manic thing. She's so happy. And she, cause she's, she just knows she's going to totally destroy Jesse's trip. So then, um, so then, uh,
Jasmine's talking to Nia and about like the mole situation. He was like, this is too much. And Michelle walks up and she's like, guys, I decided I'm going to be in a great mood. I turned on my good mood function and I'm going to move forward and I need to have some fun. So I think it's weird if I stay in the same house as Jesse. So is everyone okay with him going to hotel? And they're like, uh,
I'm like, what? I mean, like, hold up. Like, first of all, he's planning the trip. So just don't go. I mean, like, he doesn't deserve Santa Barbara. I mean, what? What is she talking about?
This is the moment I was watching, I was like, "Oh yeah, that's right." Wait, wait, she's trying to get him kicked out of his own house that he's paying for? I was like, "Hmm, that's not gonna work." Yeah. So then Kristen comes over and she does this whole thing for Kristen. She's like, "Zo, I'm going to have a vote. Either he stays in a hotel or I stay in a hotel," which she's added because she knows she's not going to get Kristen on her side, right? So Kristen's like, "I mean,
He rented the house. She's like, well, it doesn't matter. And Kristen's like, so, I mean, if you're going to demand the vote, then I vote for Jesse. And he's like, where are my croissants with you? You got to grease some palms around here, Michelle. Yeah. Kristen's like, show me your purse. Are there croissants in there? No? Okay. Well, I'm on Jesse's team. Click on it.
- Kristen's like, she's like raising that shoulder up and she's like, "Jesse booked the house and I'm helping him plan the trip. And Michelle, I'm sorry that Jesse called you an escort, but if the rumors are true, you can definitely afford a really nice hotel as well." - So now Jasmine is like, "Yeah, I mean, banishment sounds crazy." And Michelle's like, "But that is what I want. Like you get what you deserve."
So rent a house. I mean, rent a competing house and then try and get everyone to go stay at the competing house. You can't just...
Her rules of engagement are fucked. Like, I don't understand what she's getting at here. This is, this is, this is derated. I think she had like a moment of like, I'm gonna get him back. And it seemed like such a good idea at first. And now it's crumbling before her eyes as like the logic of it starts to become, you know, like laid out there and Jesse. Yeah. I think it's easy on this show, like any other show. It's like, who's the bigger asshole then I'm gonna be on the other person's side all the time. Right? So in this case, Jesse is just such a piece of shit.
that the natural inclination is just to be on Michelle's side, but Michelle's also an asshole. Now she's not an abusive asshole like Jesse, so I'm still more on her side than his, but she's also still an asshole and she treats other people on this show like shit. So you get what you deserve because you're not getting all the votes. Jasmine's like, yeah, like I have a good relationship with Jesse right now, so I'm going to vote for him to come.
Yeah. And so basically, basically, Michelle retreats to a corner and starts crying again. So it's like this happiness, which is like, I decided to be in a good mood. It was like she was never in a good mood.
You didn't earn the votes. You know what I mean? You didn't go door to door. You've treated half this cast like shit. And now you're going to get the reward. Yeah. And she's like, why do not my friends see my side of this? I'm going through just as much as Brittany, if not even worse. Jesse is far worse than Jax by far.
Yeah, I'm not sure. I can't even play the who's worst Olympics between those two. They're both terrible. And I don't think you're supposed to say that about your friend anyway. Like, my pain's more hurtful than yours. And also, if Jax was not in rehab, they would have invited Jax. So it's not like they're treating Brittany so much better than you. They would have also had Jax on that trip. No one kicked Jax out last season when he was screaming at Brittany and calling her an alcoholic and stuff while he was coked out of his mind.
That's right. So the cake comes out, they're wishing, they're singing happy birthday and Michelle's just crying. It's so, it's really sad. And Jesse is, he's like, well, clearly I have some things I need to talk to Michelle about and we're going to go, we're going to go on this trip together. And well, you know what? The best fights happen in the ring. That's the way I see it. I was like, oh my God. Oh, it's going to be such a toxic trip. Yeah. This show is just bleak. I mean,
God, it is dark. It's rough to watch sometimes. I find it to be very watchable, but it really is dark. This is like grown-up shit right here. It's rough. It's grown-ups doing childish shit, you know? Yeah. It's like that divorce fight. Divorce fighting can be just really...
That can be the darkest shit that you see. And losing it times two. - Yeah, well, that ends the valley for us today, everybody. Thanks so much for being with us. We'll be back tomorrow with some Summerhausen. Go get your tickets for Austin, Dallas and Vegas. Austin will be next week, next Friday. We're gonna be doing Summerhausen and then we're gonna be doing Vanderpump Rules in Dallas.
Episode 605, Sex, Lies, and Audio Tape. Get your tickets at watchwhatcrappens.com. And don't forget, Friday we are going on sale for our Los Angeles show in June. We'll talk to you next time, everybody. Bye.
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