#2828 Top Chef S22E8 Part One: Grandma Got Run Over By a Restaurant War
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Hello and welcome to Watch Our Crap In's, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker and joining me today is the wonderful and hilarious Ronnie Karam. Hi, Ronnie. How's it going? Good. What's going on with you?

Not much. We have a big week this week. We are going back to Texas. Ronnie's actually already there. He's already there. I will be going to Texas. I will be joining Ronnie and Austin for our Friday night show at Emo's where we are recapping Summer House. And then the next day we are driving up to Dallas and then we're going to recap the classic Vanderpump Rules episode, Sex, Lies, and Audio Tape, which is season six, episode five. So,

So we're looking forward to both those shows. We always have a great rowdy fun time in Texas. So we expect that yet again. And so if you haven't gotten your tickets, go to watch what happens.com to get your ticks. And then the following week, next week, we're going to Vegas. We're doing our very first ever Vegas show, which would also be great. And we've decided let's keep the summer house train going. Uh, the show's on a Thursday summer houses on Wednesday. So we're going to recap summer house in Vegas next,

Really excited for that one. And we just added two last shows onto our schedule. June 12th, we are going to be in Seattle, going back up to the Neptune. And then June 19th, our first ever show at the Fonda here in Los Angeles, in the heart of Hollywood. It's a great venue. I've seen many shows there. So it's very exciting that we actually get to do a show there ourselves. So come celebrate the end of our tour.

In Los Angeles at the Fonda. It's going to be so fun. Watch what crap is.com for all your tickets. Yeah. Okay. Let's get into it. It is the very important episode of Restaurant Wars on Top Chef. Restaurant Wars. Top Chef season 22 episode 8. Ristorante Wars. Sad episode. Someone I like gets kicked off. Not happy about it.

And there's also sadness in general. But it was still a good episode. Good episode, but some sadness. But we start off with everyone drinking coffee in the living room of their loft or whatever they're in. And Shwai is just saying how he didn't think he would make it this far. Nobody's safe anymore. And they get a note. A note under the door. And guess what? The note says, go to the warehouse venue. And so they're like, oh my God, is that a rave? Yeah.

Oh my god, we're gonna do a rave! And Micemoth's like, 100%! And Tristan's like, um, do you think the warehouse is large enough to house two restaurants that would pop up in 24 hours? They're like, oh, yeah, I guess it's that. We were really hoping for a rave challenge. Could you imagine if they go to Toronto to do a rave challenge? Wow, something Gail's never received on one of her outfits. Oh, wow. By the way, did you happen to see Gail Simmons' Kentucky Derby outfit? Yeah.

I'm sorry, instead of doing that, could we just have a Gail Simmons challenge and call it "Shave, Please?" Well, Gail Simmons, this is a true story. Gail Simmons, Kentucky Derby, I'm pulling up the picture so that way it's seen. So she wore a hat for the Kentucky Derby that was a cheese platter. Oh, she really did in real life? She really did. Oh. Wow. She finally did it. She wore her toothpaste as a hat.

So everybody heads over to the warehouse. Guess who's there? It's Kristen. And we get some guest judges. You're going to be shocked. This one is a James Beard Award winner, guys. This person won the James Beard Award for best hopscotch on a sidewalk drawn only with macaron.

executive chef and owner of Compe La Pina, Nina Compton. Wow. It's good to see Nina again. I love Nina. I do. Or as I like to call her, the true winner of Top Chef New Orleans, because we all know it was not that fucking Nicholas guy. It was Nina. This was one of the biggest failures Top Chef ever had. Yeah, that definitely should have been Nina. And she won a James Beard award, so fuck yeah, you go. So what did she win her James Beard award for?

I don't know. She has a new cookbook out right now, actually. I just was reading about it last week. She's killing it. I mean, she is really like a highly respected chef and food personality and writer. And the other guy is, I'm sure, making a great salad somewhere. But she is my winner, and she always will be my winner. She has actually won two. She's won 27 and 2018 Best Chef of the South.

That's crazy. That's not even one of those little ones they make up for people like best neighborhood fire attendant watcher in the Northeast sector of

of master parks and the South has a lot of really amazing chefs. So that's, it's so incredibly impressive. Yeah. So, uh, Paola is excited. Everyone's excited. And then Kristen's like, Oh, we also have a Toronto native, a restaurateur and a part-time Courtney Cox impersonator. Please welcome chef Canada judge, Janet Zuccarini.

Also kind of named after a watery squash that nobody really likes, but we all pretend to because we have to. Someone said they wanted to merge broccolini with zucchini. And what we got is Janet Zuccarini. So please welcome, please welcome Top Chef Canada guest judge Janet Zuccarini. She is the founder and CEO of Gusto 54 Restaurant Group. And Massimo's like, that is Italian. That is Italian. This is going to be my challenge. She's Italian.

And we'd also like to inform you that she is already very disappointed in very specific things you've all done wrong this morning. I can warn you, Janet is unabashedly disappointed already. I love her. Why is she not a permanent judge on this show? This is two weeks in a row where the Canadian judges have really upstaged regular Top Chef because Janet Zuccarini, she's a very, very good judge.

She is like, she picks up on everything that I pick up on. Like later on when Mossimo kneels down, I was like, oh, I hate that. She's like, honestly, I hate that. I was like, yes, Janet Zuccarini. Yes. Arms on the fucking table. Disgusting. How dare you? Elbows and arms and hands. You put them all on the table. Like, what is this? The peanuts? Do you like Lucy waiting for fucking customers at her five cents advice stand? Come on.

It's also really fun trying to figure out which celebrity she looks most like because she looks like Courtney Cox, but also Demi Moore, but also Susan Lucci. She kind of like vacillates between all these faces, but then there's like other ones that sometimes come in. She's like an enigma to me.

Yeah. She's but she's not a mystery at all. Let me tell you what she's what she likes. Nothing. So I like her. So why is like, oh, my God, 24 hours, a real restaurant. It took me three months to just pick a color to paint for Jack Rabbit Philly.

like it's not a real restaurant babe you're gonna just pick out some napkins i like that they all pretending that going to pick out a napkin and a paint color for the walls it's like really opening a restaurant it's really not also jack rabbit philly jack rabbit philly what what i mean come on do we what sort of name is that for a restaurant i and re i don't know why restaurants always have the most ridiculous names you know the joke used to be about

bands in the 90s having ridiculous names. But I think we really need to give some of these restaurants grief. Jackrabbit Philly. I mean, it's just so silly. And let me tell you what paint color he ended up picking. Brown.

It's not even painted. It's actually, well, this is Eder Carolinas, Park Circle Eder Carolinas. That's where it is, right? So it's wood paneling. So I don't think he even did pick a paint color. It's all like 70s wood paneling. It's cute. Hmm.

Of course, I had to look it up because I was like, if it took you this long. Okay, well, Charleston's Jackrabbit Philly. Well, this is a different one. And this one sounds like a navy blue or royal blue, I guess you call it at the bar. And then a white.

on the restaurant. So, I mean, I don't know. Jackrabbit Philly, of course it's in Charleston because it sounds exactly like one of the strange beers that like, like a micro brew that Austin Wood Pioneer is like, hey, you want a Jackrabbit Philly? It's delicious, man. It's insane how good Jackrabbit Philly is.

So Christian's like, you have to come up with a three course menu with two options per course. So six dishes total. Are you ready to draw for teams? Massimo. So they're drawing knives for teams. And Massimo's like, looks like we're opening Italian restaurant. Am I right, Gusto? Am I right? Am I right, Zuccherini? And yeah, because it's basically Massimo and Vinny are on the same team. And Vinny, as we all know, has a brother who makes more innovative pizzas than he does.

And then everyone's picking different knives and everything. And Vinny says, well, strategically, I don't want to be on a team with Tristan. He has immunity. So if you lose, you have a 33% chance of being eliminated. But on the other hand, he might be down for my next idea, which is a hollandaise pasta made out of frozen hollandaise cut into spaghetti shapes. Yeah.

My idea for a restaurant is going to be called Holland Days, like days in Holland. But it's going to be spelled N-O-M-A-D. It's kind of weird. So it ends up being Vinnie What's-His-Buns Massimo and then...

Tristan and Lana. Yeah, he gets Tristan and Lana. Yeah. And then Shwai is with Cesar, Paula, and Bailey in team number one.

Yeah. So Tristan's saying that Massimo is strong-willed and Lana's more reserved and Vinny is really confident, but that he's stubborn. So I'm already sensing that Tristan's team is going to have some issues, like a battle of egos, and they're going to have some problems. That's what I initially thought, of course. Yeah. Really, nobody has problems except for with Massimo. Everybody hates Massimo because he's just too much. He's not mean, but he's too domineering, too loud. He's kicking everything over all day. He's just too much.

even tom even when tom serves him tom's just like oh god i hate that it's not much it's not much um so lana's like well i don't mind taking front of the house i'm like i do everything in my restaurant so i'll do front of house i'm like okay so once again just okay team challenge lady gets like

Gets just like brushed over. So Masaba is going to do front of house. And I guess because they do like rock, paper, scissor. And then Lana's like, okay, whatever. Just let the man have it. Which is probably for the best because she winds up being a line cook. And as we know, if you're a line cook in Restaurant Wars, you're pretty much safe every single season. I feel like they need to find a way to make the line cooks have more...

risk involved. Yeah, it's always weird that they're kind of fighting over the front of the house and the head chef because those are the people that get fired every time. So my theory is that they should do a restaurant wars where they make four restaurants and everyone has to be either executive chef or front of house. And then the line cooks are the people who've been eliminated already. So that way you still have the same number of people competing in restaurant wars, but they all have high stakes jobs.

Just a lot of restaurant wars is more fun when there's a lot more chefs on it. Yeah. Right. Then when it's just like a few chefs. So why is going to do he works in an open kitchen? So he's comfortable talking to people. And he's like, you guys, he runs a restaurant. He is so comfortable with people. Surely he should run a house. When he said that, I was like, oh, no, we're in trouble. Trouble. Because every time somebody says that they fail every time.

I don't know why you would doubt a man who took three months to choose the color brown for his restaurant. But yeah, when you said that, I'm like, okay, whatever. So then Paola is going to, is it Paola or is it Paula? I don't remember how it's supposed to be said, but I apologize if I'm saying it the wrong way. Is it Paola or Paula? Paola. What'd you say? Paola. Paola. So Paola is like,

She's like, she decides to do executive chef. So she's going to do that. Tristan's going to do, Tristan also winds up being executive chef. Since he has immunity, he's going to do the higher risk thing. And so that's what they all decided on. So now they get into deciding what, oh, well, first Tristan's, first, I'm sorry, first Nina says, I remember being in your shoes many years ago and restaurant wars is the most difficult challenge, but really have fun with it and make sure your concept is clean and concise.

Okay, well, thanks for the insight. Janet, what do you have to say? She's like, you're creating a transporting experience. Make it compelling. I'm Janet. I'll fucking eat you alive. Gusto, let me tell you what. Me no gusto. Anything you idiots came up with today. I'm like, yes, Janet. Also, Schwad, don't like the way you tied your shoes. Double nod it next time you're in my presence.

So they're given the rules. They have $4,500 to shop at Whole Foods and $2,300 at a variety of specialty markets. And then they can only prep and cook today until 8 p.m.

So they have to be strategic in how they're going to spend their time shopping because they don't have very much time. And then tomorrow they only have four hours to prep cook and set up the restaurant. So that's crazy. It's a crazy short time. The time frame is very short. Okay. So the Massimo is like, so the Tristan team sits down and Massimo's like, okay, I've got an idea. We're going to do 60 shoes that represent the different stages of Canada, something French, something English. That's basically all I've got. And they're like, um,

- Yeah, no, we don't like the sound of that. So Muriel's like, "Oh God, they really are losing the egos. They can't come up with an idea. This team is really screwed." - Yeah, and so Tristan's like, "What about VegForward?" And Vinny's like, "Yeah, 'cause with that, we could still be ourselves. I mean, Holliday's a vegetable." - "I made a lot of vegetables at the Nomad, so I could really just be myself at last." - Yeah. He's like, "I got an idea for a name for it.

N-O-A-O-A-M-A-H-T-D. Like Vinny. Come on, guys.

So they decided to do Veg Forward, which I thought, again, was a trap. Because in the past, when teams have done poorly on Restaurant Wars, it's because they've gone with global cuisine. They go with something so broad that they can all just cook whatever they want, and then it's not cohesive. So I was like, okay, this one's going to be a failure. So we go to the other team. But they also do Veg Forward, and then everything is meat.

Well, especially 90% of it is meat. And I know that they're just saying like, you can still have a little meat, but meat's not the star, but meat was the star. I just don't understand how they got away with that because I thought for sure someone would be like, Oh, I mean, I get it. It doesn't have to be a vegan restaurant, but you're serving us work. Yeah. Vinny definitely was the one who was out of control with that. I was actually mad and he did get clocked for it, which I was happy about.

So the other team, Bailey is like, okay, well, we've got Italian, Latin, Italian, Latin, Latin, Italian, da-da-da-da-da. And they're like, okay, let's do it family style. And they settle on this idea really quickly. They all come together. I was like, this is going to be the winning team. They have a cohesion of an idea. They're all on board. They're happy to work together. I see how this is all going to work out.

I knew this was going to be a fail because family style. No, judges don't like it. I didn't even think about that. When it's so when it's so they want something refined, you know, when you just throw a bunch of plates on the table, they're usually they'll they'll ding your ass for that. And then Italian, like, come on, like Bailey just made a chicken parm pizza. Then she made a like stupid thing the week before that was really bland and plain and Italian. And I don't know. I just boo. Yeah.

Yeah, I didn't flag that, and I should have, because you're right. So, Cesar is like, it's going to be like... I'm not dissing you. I'm not, like, getting on you. No, no, I'm saying this was a blind spot. But then they also choose grandmas, because they know how people are, and if they can say, like, my grandma liked this, and she had a really hard life, the judges are like, oh my god, thank you so much for sharing about your grandmother. Tell me about how she made her eggs.

You know, like they love a good, like sad story. So then they could all be like, oh, my grandma was in like seven wars and all she really wanted was a Brussels sprout and a piece of bread. And so they think they're going to have this. But I thought, oh, no, this doesn't they want to make it grandma chic and they paint pink.

Grandma chic, sort of like when Gail wears her polka dotted culottes, am I right? Ooh, ghost of Padma back. Sort of like what grandma, what Gail's grandma says to her, not chic, not chic. Grandma, semicolon, not chic, dash, Gail's grandma. Is that too long for the front of a restaurant?

Gail got excited by the idea of Grandma Chic until she realized we said Grandma Chic, not Grandma Sheet Cake. Less exciting for her then. Yes, everybody, Gail's grandmother was a sheet cake. Was anybody surprised? Gail comes from a long line of proud sheet cakes, so we try to be sensitive about the topic. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappin's commercial.

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Oh man, the weather is warming up and it's nice and cool at night. It's the best time to be outside on my patio. And you know what I've wanted? I've wanted those like big club chair things that kind of swivel for the outside. And I found them at Wayfair, baby. No surprise there because Wayfair has all things outdoor. I am in the market for a nice outdoor coffee table and I know that I'm going to get it from Wayfair because I already looked and there's like five different ones I'm ready to buy. Well,

Well, right now I'm all about the outdoor seating. I'm pretty much finding every single piece on Wayfair, which is amazing. I mean, they're not joking around over there. And I've already furnished most of my indoors with it. It's just so easy. And I can even have people come put it together. It is so convenient. They have everything your home needs during the warm weather season and also free and easy delivery, even on the big stuff.

Shop a huge selection of outdoor furniture online this summer. Get outside with Wayfair. Head to Wayfair.com right now. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. Wayfair. Every style, every home. So Bailey's like, I love grandma vibes. Could we just do grandma restaurant? And they're like, oh God, all right. So throw out some grandma's names and she goes, my grandma's name is just Grandma.

Paolo's like, but my abuela was pipon. So, and then Paolo says... I don't think you should just call it pipon because that's a famous chef. Yeah, exactly. And sort of like a mustard. And so then Paolo's like... I'm almost a real housewife of Miami. So we've decided to call our grandma chic restaurant Larsa Pippin. Larsa Pippin's bleached asshole.

And Paula tells us that "pipon" means "have a belly," which you'd all be cut off if I was your grandpa and you were like, "Hey, there's this fatty. Here's Grandma Fatty Ronnie." So they decide to call it "nonna pipon."

which is cute. But if you think about it, it's like grandma with the big belly. So now, now they're trying to figure out, the other team is trying to figure out what they're going to call their veg forward restaurant because Nomad just isn't really flying with anyone but Vinny. So they're very literal, right? So Vinny's like, oh, like a garden. And Lana's like, what about something like flora? And like, what about flora and fauna? Like, yeah, flora. But like, and then Tristan's like, P-H-L-O-R-A for flora. Yeah.

Why? I don't know why it has to be pH. Also, isn't the fauna the animal part? If it's veg forward, why do you have a fauna? Okay, just make it flora. Why do you need flora and fauna? I don't get it. I was hoping you'd know why they did that because they did pH for flora and for fauna. So I didn't really get why they would do that. I mean, except that you're a restaurant, so maybe you're trying to make it cutesy, but I just don't.

Do those mean different things? Is it like acid? It's going to be veg forward, but with a lot of acidic flavors. So it's going to be pH. pH balance. Strong enough for a man, but pH balance for a woman. That kind of flora. Well, I looked it up, and Nanak Flora is an actor from Deadpool and Wolverine. It's a child actor. A tribute. So there you go. That's all I know about it.

Vinny's like, "I like that. Okay, we have to get food. I will be on top of going to the Hollandaise Depot." We are going there, right? Hollandaise Depot? No? Okay. I was sort of hoping we'd get to go there. Bulk Hollandaise for days.

Sorry, I steeped in the flora on the internet. I'm like, wow, what a talented young man. So, yeah, Vinny is like, you know, there's pressure, there's stress. I might come off as cocky, but the goal is to win with no man's recipes. So hopefully I can do that. And Tristan decides he's going to do a mushroom salad. Yeah.

Yeah. And Lana's going to do a potluck or consomme. And so they're just all plotting out their their menus and everything. Bailey's going to do an arancini and Shwai's going to do a frutti di mare. And they're just going to they're just making all sorts of comfort food. And it's going to be fun. But Paola decides that she's going to do an Italian cake, a torta di noci. But it's gluten free. It has no flour. So that's what she's going to do.

Yeah, so then they're just talking over what they're going to do. And then we go to what? I said, yeah, they're just planning. Yeah, they're just planning. So then Tristan is like, okay, I don't mind doing a vegetable forward dessert. How about a chocolate custard? Probably with parsnips or something. And Vinny just makes a face and he goes, I'm comfortable with that, Vinny. I'm 100% comfortable. I love how Tristan dealt with Vinny because I feel like people...

like Vinny can start fights. And I like that. Tristan's just like, no, this is what I'm doing. Shut the fuck up. You stupid nomad motherfucker. But Vinny's like, but I don't understand. You said a chocolate custard with parsnips, but you didn't mention the Hollandaise part. Did you forget that? That's going to be part of the custard, right? So now they go to the event space and, um, Oh no, they go to shop for the dishes and stuff. Um,

Yeah. And Tristan's like, we have flora and fauna theme, okay? So we need something natural and foresty. Right? Yes. They're very, very literal. I kind of feel like they should have gone for kind of a chic look. Just because you're cooking with vegetables doesn't mean you need to actually make your furniture look like trees. Yeah, white plates, plain chairs.

Just like black. Not paper napkins, but like white napkins. Boom, you're done. Like, I don't... It all has to be green. What reminds us the most of nature? You're killing a pig. So let's just veer away from that. Yeah, and they also, like, none of these guys have any sort of design sense. And you can see Lana's getting frustrated. She's like, um...

can we just like move this along because we don't need to be here all day. You guys are making terrible choices right now. And then meanwhile, the other one, the other team is like pulling out like lots of fun grandma chic things like, like old, like vintage kind of plates and things that have like flowers and whatever, which I actually like. I think this works, this works through a theme very well. And they have a cute counter because every time they pick something like that's cute. No, that's cute. Oh, that's cute. That's cute. Yeah. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Cute, cute, cute, cute, cute.

So now they have to split up to they have to decide what to do for the markets because they've got multiple markets. So Massimo comes up with the idea that he'll go to Whole Foods himself, which could have been a disaster because it's Massimo left alone with everybody shopping. That could have been scary, but he's going to go there and then send the rest to the specialty markets. So that's how they're going to save time.

And he's acting like he just invented some amazing concept of multitasking. He's like, this is actually the best idea ever. The four-headed dog, maybe too much, but we divide and conquer. I'm like, so you split up tasks and you did one of the tasks that you were assigned. I don't think this is a huge innovation. But then again, compared to the other team, the other team was like, we are a team and we're going to be a team together and we're all going to shop at the St. Lawrence Market together.

Yeah. So that's what they decide to do, which is a fail. So then we go to shopping. So we're at the market and Paula is like, team, team, team, team, team. And then we see Massimo just like a nightmare in the Whole Foods to anybody who ever shops. It's like, he's just running around kicking down. He's like, there's some beans I need. He like kicks down the whole thing. Cans are all over. He takes one little can. He's like, not me over show about yourself.

Alana, at one point, she's talking about her potlicker consomme, and she talks about how her background is originally in journalism, and she does a lot of investigating food now, and she talks about how her ancestors made potlickers, potlicker, because it was all that they could eat, etc. And they show a picture of her graduating and with her parents graduating.

It's the sort of biographical detail that normally someone gets when they're either going to be in the top or the bottom, or possibly eliminated. And she winds up in neither place. And this is like the second or third week in a row that this has happened, where they've just sort of inserted a little bit of biographical information on Lana that had no bearing on the actual episode, which makes me believe my theory is even more correct, that she's going to make it all the way to the end. I feel like they're trying to form a story with her to make...

to carry her into the finals. I'm just... Well, who's going to tell you whether you're right or wrong? Time. Wow. Or my dear friend, Ali Wong. Tell him who's right. Okay. Or how about this? Tell him who's stupid. I've got an answer for that. You are stupid.

So they're running low on time. So Paula's like, okay, it's after five. So maybe we should start going to Whole Foods. So a couple of them break off and run to Whole Foods. And then we see Massimo's team arriving at the warehouse. And so they are getting all their mise en place and cooking started and all that stuff.

And Shwai is like, "Yeah, Cesar and I went back to the warehouse and we've got two hours to prep, which is plenty of time, but Bailey and Paula have half the groceries. So they have all my seafood." Yeah, so he can't prep any of his seafood, which he needs to get done because he's front of house, so he's not gonna have a lot of time tomorrow in the kitchen. So he's just sort of like wasting time doing nothing. And meanwhile, Bailey and Paula are like, "Oh my god, time's slipping away, it's taking so much longer," and yada yada yada.

and but the other team is fine they're getting to work they're working on their stuff tristan's working on his mushroom escovich and lana is working on you know her second course vinny is like i'm making a squash dish with pork tenderloin and xo sauce for some reason it really bothers me when chefs just say xo like i don't know i need them to say xo sauce when they say xo to me it's equivalent of saying nick cage it's a weird quirk i have like a weird like it's like

Am I the only one who's like that? Who's like, I want you to say XO sauce, not just XO. It's like saying, I'm going to add some, I don't know, this may be a hill that's not worth dying over, but I have to share my honest truth. I need to know what XO you're making. Is it a sauce? Is it a game? My sauce is like XO, XO. Okay, so Massimo...

uh is gonna be working on a cor uh corn on the cob ice cream with grilled blueberry condiments all that stuff so bailey and paula finally arrive but i'll try it yeah try corn ice cream why not corn's in everything

Yeah. So Paola and Bailey finally arrived, which means they only have an hour and five minutes left to prep and do their work, which is not enough time at all. And this winds up fucking them for the rest of this entire episode. Yeah. So she's like, well, you know, Paola's like, well, I know we're in the weeds, but I'm exec chef, so I have to make sure I'm organized. And, you know, we've got Chipotle chorizo for first course and arancini with Bailey. And it's the perfect marriage of Italian and Latin cuisine. And.

And she's just naming dishes they're gonna make. And Shwai is like, "I'm fucked. So, this is my only dish so I could be going home if I fuck this up." And then Cesar is gonna do a braised short rib with polenta and ancho peppers for the second course. Because they need something homey and braisy. Yeah. And then Cesar's also gonna do a churro with a pistachio crumb. And Paola's gonna make this walnut torta with the tres leches.

So they're just like working really, really hard. And I was impressed. I mean, Paula was like really good as an executive chef. She was like delegating responsibilities, telling people what to do. So again, I'm still like in this mindset, like even though they're behind, they're going to pull it out because they're very organized. So then things get really sad because a producer pulls Tristan aside and says,

that um he got a call they got a call from his mom that there's a family emergency so he goes outside and calls his mom and then the screen sort of goes goes to black and then it comes back and he says talk about how um the night before his stepfather who is basically his father um had a stroke and is in an induced coma and it's obviously he's like he's he's going through it but he knows that like

His parents would never want him to quit on the dream. And that's actually what his mom tells him. So he goes back in the kitchen. He's like crying. And it's like really sad. He is crying, but he gets right back to work. I mean, my God, that guy's a trooper.

So they just keep on working. And Shui tells us he loves to be in the front of the house. He's so good at it. And he's like, let me tell you about communism, guys. So we didn't have anything in China. No electricity, no running water, no toilet. But his mom and his grandma never let him feel it. He never felt hungry. He never felt cold. And that's why he cooks.

Which didn't really tie back to the front of the house thing, but I was like, that was still my story. It was kind of a story where I was like, wait a minute, but why do you like working front of the house? But that's a crazy story, right? My God. Yeah. So now it's the next day. And now Tristan has received news that his stepfather has not made it. His stepfather has actually passed away.

which i can't honestly even imagine like going forward with this competition like knowing that your dad has has died and but he's his team rallies around him it's like very emotional i'm like something they're getting choked up watching it and uh he's just gonna go forward so a lot of emotions are running high during all this and they get back into it they've got four hours to prep and everything and they're doing all this stuff it's like prep prep prep prep prep prep prep prep prep

And meanwhile, Shua is dealing with the servers. They're setting up the restaurant. And Shua is trying to train people. But Massimo is making so much noise on his half of the warehouse that you can literally just hear him. Massimo's not even with people. He's just moving tables around. And you just hear him be like, oh! And Shua is just losing his mind trying to train these people.

I think it's a big mistake that they choose these paints because the grandma restaurant paints it bright pink, which is ugly as fuck, first of all. And also it smells like paint. Like who wants to eat when everything smells like paint? Like new house smell is not good when you're eating. It's not even new house smell. It's just straight up paint. And the other one does like a really deep green because vegetables, vegetables are green in general. It's so literal.

it's so on the nose yeah what you know what i would do i'd be like okay our theme is industrial warehouse chic and then you don't have to do anything you keep it you keep the floor dusty you keep the walls the way they are and it's just that's just the way that's the theme that's that's the vibe for the food yeah just saw dust just be like we're eating in a mill today

So Paola's working on her cake. She's combining two different cakes together. She's done each cake on its own, trasleche and the torta de whatever it is, noci. But she's never combined them, and she's not sure how that's going to work. I was like, okay, well, I'm starting to sense that this team is now going to lose. Because if you're experimenting with dessert, it really only works out once per season, and that already happened. So this is going to be a problem. And cakes are so difficult to make. Yeah.

Yeah, you don't play around with that. You don't mess with that on an important day. So then, yeah, we hear Mossimo kicking down walls. That's Mossimo over there. So then Bailey's like, I wish we had a little more time to make adjustments, but here we are. And then the diners start to arrive.

So it's happened. It's arrived. Now things are really starting to kick in. The guests are arriving. Tickets are coming in. And the first problem with family style is that no one's ordering it like family style. They're not sitting there and ordering for like the table. People are ordering individual family style portions. And so the first, there's two problems right away. First is that like, aren't you need to arrive at a table and there's only like

like two or maybe four Arancini on the plate. That's supposed to be family style, which is hilarious. And then, and everyone's just like staring at it. Cause everyone's clearly hungry. Cause they've probably been waiting in the holding, uh,

from production for like three hours and now they're in there and starving. And now you've got a table of eight strangers all staring at for Aaron Cheney and no one wants to be rude to people they don't know, but everyone wants their hands on that. And so already this concept is backfiring. Yeah. And, uh, I was cracking up cause why is explaining the grandma theme to one of the guests and he walks away and the guest goes, I just,

I just can't wrap my head around this concept. Really? It's like the most hacky concept ever. Like, who do you have at your grandma's house? Like, I just don't get it. Shut up. Stop filming the normal people, please.

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So then the judges arrive at Nonna Pippon and they do that whole thing where they pretend like they're going to a real restaurant. And Kristen's like, hi, we have a reservation for Kish, Simmons, Zuccherini, Compton, Colicchio, and Chipotle, where food is always fresh. No microwaves, no can openers. This dinner will be paid for by the Visa Grande, which is the most cash back on any other card. Thank you.

I'd like to say that the chairs tonight have been provided by Jennifer Convertibles. They are getting into the chair business, so take a seat and enjoy yourself. Jennifer Convertibles. Gail's like, "Wow, look, here we are at Restaurant Wars 22. Wow, maybe at 23 you'll learn to pick a dress that fits." Restaurant Wars 22. 22, the number of restaurants Gail Simmons has actually eaten. If you see a bite mark in that Applebee's, you know Gail's been here.

22. The number of Apple computers that were sold before they finally just decided selling it with a logo with an apple already eaten out of it because Gail kept eating all of the apples. Sorry, that was a little long, guys. Sorry, that was a little long. 22 is the number of menus Gail stacks in between layers of buttercream in what she calls a cake.

So a waiter comes over, he's like, "Oh, hi, welcome to Nona Pippon. We're Italian and Hispanic inspired. And we want to bring your mother's house to your house. Does anybody smell mothballs? Sorry, I peed on the floor. Anybody? Okay." And they're like, "Wait a minute. Why isn't Shwai here?" What's her buttons? The girl's like, "Where is Shwai? I'd like to be greeted."

I don't... Honestly, it's a fair question. This is... Restaurant Wars 22, this has happened 22 times. How...

In the world, do you take the front of house thing and you do not greet the guests the moment they walk in and you don't give them all the attention? It's literally every season this happens. How does this happen? And Shwai does that thing. And I think it was like Jackson a few seasons ago where Shwai's like, oh, I'm afraid. I don't want to be too overbearing. Yeah, you don't have to be overbearing, but you have to greet them and say hello. Like, how do you mess that up?

Yeah, and especially when he's like, I'm the front of house guy. That's me. I'm the one. And then he's terrified. Like, he's turning red. He's shaking. And yeah, it's not going out well. And they're pissed. They're automatically pissed. So, yeah.

He finally goes up to them. Yeah, he finally comes over. He's like, how's everyone doing? And he's like, I'm tired. I mean, but I guess I feel good. So anyway, the arancini was Bailey and I made the fruity tomorrow. Then Paula helped make the aguachile. So, God, I wish you made a nap for me. Am I right? This sucks, God. All right, enjoy. Hope you enjoyed this more than I'm enjoying it. Janet is furious. Wow, he's tired.

You know who's tired? Me, for having to carry this new slate of judges on the Zuccarini back, okay? So don't talk to me about being tired. And Janet's like, I have a serious pet peeve. Oh, really? Because every pet I've ever passed has peeved a gal. You can't take that woman around a dog farm, trust me. They'll try and bite her. I have a pet peeve, which is that gal keeps trying to eat my pets. So...

What's odd is that Gail has pet peeves. Not one of them has stayed alive for more than an hour. The most embarrassing thing is watching Gail trying to attach a leash onto a pee and walk it on the streets. Gail, it's not going to work. So, Janice is like, well, my pet peeve is when you're offering the service of family style, you need to have sharing utensils. We're splitting this with our forks. She's right.

She's right. How do they not have serving spoons with your family style? Also, the serving spoons is a better way to signal that this is family style. If you have a big old serving spoon. Yeah, they seem to fix it in later dishes. But this one was sorely missing. They were sorely missing. So sorely, sorely, sorry. This is sorely missing.

So Nina likes the arancini. She said the breading isn't too heavy. It's quite light. And Kristen's like, I liked my first bite of arancini. It tasted like pizza. And then that connected me, I think, to this concept, which brought me a little joy. Because pizza reminds me of grandma. Grandma's remind me of this. So here we are. Grandma's and pizza. Even though this wasn't pizza, I'm still connected. And I feel joy. Yeah.

Wow. You know, Gail also tastes pizza in everything she eats, but that's because she always adds a slice of pizza to everything she eats. I smell the pizza and I just think of Gail's perfume.

I love that, Kristen. You know what's so funny? Pizza is such a comfort food and warming, but do people really think about their grandmothers when they think of pizza? If I taste pizza, I don't go to grandma. I think of just pizza parlor. I think of childhood, but not grandma. I think of childhood. I think of my mom is sick of talking to me.

Here's a pizza. Here's a pizza, or drop you off at the Chuck E. Cheese, whatever it is. Well, everyone, I've got bad news. We failed. Gail's here, so I guess we didn't avoid the Noid. Okay, everyone enjoy your pizza. Noid's here. All right, Gail's almost here. Everybody have their hot and ready counter set? We can see how far away Gail is.

Wow. This reminds me of growing up and ordering in from Pizza Gale. I'm sorry, I meant Pizza Hut. So, Kristen didn't like the aguachile. She said the smoothness of the squid wasn't right and the whole thing was lackluster. And Tom's like, the seafood itself, it's kind of bland. What a boring seafood. What a boring seafood. Wasn't bland for Gale, because she dipped some pepperoni into it.

So then Tom's like, I think they had so many different parts. And as they started building it, they didn't really season it properly. I mean, what are you going to do? Like one part sucks. The other part sucks. Three parts aren't going to suck less. That's for sure. I'll tell you that much. Get some salt. Huh? Know what I mean? This, this agua chili. It's made me feel a little agua hot under the collar. I don't like it.

And now Tristan is getting pissed because there's a server that's just writing all the orders wrong. And they have a way that they're supposed to be doing it, and they're not doing it right. And so you see him walking over to Massimo, and Massimo's like, okay, well, we can do it.

i would have liked this server to have been shamed on tv because there was like a clear way to do things it was like write down all the orders on like and like write it down and this person took check marks and put them next to like every menu like handed in like 10 menus or something with check marks on them like it made no sense yeah they just put checkers next to everything and they're like uh i already supposed to be ashamed a little bit we needed to see their face shame

So, the waiter brings the second chorus, and the waiter's... Oh, I'm sorry, he didn't go up to Mossimo, because Mossimo's not on this team. Sorry, my bad. So, the waiter comes up, and he's like, okay, this is Cannellini, this is Cannelli. And Nina's like, this is Cannelloni. Whatever. And then, poncho-braised hort bibs. Like, okay. Can we just... Got a better waiter. He's really messing, he's really scrambling his...

scrambling his letters there. So Janet is like, well, this looks really homey, but I have an issue with it. If I'm going to have something homey, I would like a small little diorama of a home setting in front of me too. I just want it to be sold. I don't want to use dioramas. I'm a service person.

So, Kristen's like, "Well, I thought Schwy would come and check in with us, but still hasn't." She's like, "Um, Schwy?" Gail. Gail's like, "Schwy, we have some questions. Do polka dots go with stripes? No?" That's what Padma used to say, too. "I don't care, I'm gonna keep trying it." Yeah, at this point, like, if you're doing front of house on the show, and if Gail or any of the judges ask sort of passive-aggressively, "We have some questions."

know that's their way of saying, "We've been waiting a while and you're not attending to us, and so the questions have built up and we're confused, and why aren't you- we're celebrities, why are you ignoring us?" Like, if you hear that tone, that means you do not leave their side the rest of the night. Right, so Kristen asks who made each course and he's shaking. He's like, "Uh, the ancho short ribs are from Caesar, the pasta's from Bailey. Bye!" He runs away. So Nina's like, "The short rib had a lot of flavor, but the consistency of the polenta is off-putting."

And Kirsten's like, oh man, what did you think about the cannelloni, Tom? Thank you for saying it correct. No problem, Janet. I got you. So Tom's like, you know, it's good. It's a smart idea because, you know, you can produce it pretty easily. And I prefer the sauce actually a little bit smoother. It's a little bit of a crunchy sauce. I mean, what's the point of having a, what's the point of having a sauce if it's not going to be smooth? You know what's smooth? Growing up with a father who's a celebrity chef and knowing you can take over his restaurant someday. And then you decide to

Go and become a mixologist. You know what that is? That's like the sauce. Nuts. Full of nuts. I'm getting whole almonds. There are whole almonds in here. They're not even crushed or chopped. Well, why bother? An almond saw you coming a mile away and said, I'm dead soon anyway. I might as well just lie here and wait for the beast to crush me. God, what a sad almond.

guess what I just talked to the almond because I'm in heaven with the almond you guess fun fact almond heaven and human heaven share the same space and the almond said ugh god I had to die on Gail's plate I said I know I'm so sorry just a fun story

Kristen's like, I like wet nuts. I'm like, oh my God, Kristen, yeah. She goes, well, I mean, I like them for my ice cream, but wet nuts together, just not for me. Tom's like, well, you know, grandma had a blender. I mean, unless your grandma was a goddamn idiot. Meanwhile, Shwai just told the story how they had no electricity and no electricity and like rations. He's like, I mean, everyone's grandma had a blender. All right.

So, yeah. So one part we skipped over was when they were making this whole thing, wasn't this the one where, uh, Paula was taking over for someone and they were like, she's like Bailey. And she's like, how do you like your almonds? And Bailey was like crushed, but they still came out kind of whole. So we're like, what happened? How did Paula drop the almond ball? So then the Tres leches comes over and, um, that's from Paula. And then they're also serving a little churro.

And that one is from Cesar. So Nina's like, eh, the Tres Leches is usually light and spongy, and this is juicy. Like, what the fuck? What is this dense, nutty pound cake thing? There's gotta be a joke in here somewhere. I just can't access it.

So then Tom was like, "I mean, it's so dense when it soaks. It's just the outside gets the milk and then the rest just falls apart. And then you just get that old cereal. Like, this is what's left at the bottom of the cereal bowl." Really, I'm not sure Gale understands that concept. If you know what I'm talking about. And Nina's, Nina loves a churro, but it's dry because the ratio is off. And we also saw that when they were making these, he was kind of pre-piping them out and then letting them sit there because he had so many to make, which I guess got him in the end.

So Gail's like, wow, why would they put it in this shape? I mean, it just made it so much more dense. Oh, God, ask your creator, Gail. Jeez, we've been asking the skies that ever since we met you.

Wow, that was oddly poetic, Padma. Thanks, no problem. That's because I'm in heaven and I just learned about poetry from Shel Silverstein. So Kristen's like... God, I wish he spoke as well as he wrote. That guy's a real pain in the ass to have dinner with, I'll tell you that.

Wow, excuse me. I'm about to do Heaven Restaurant Wars with special guest judge and James Beard Award winner Emily Dickinson, my new friend. Sylvia Plath is one of the chefs. Sylvia Plath. She's a little depressed, but don't worry, that's just part of her personality. Sylvia, did you mean for this dish to taste so much like your head? One of our judges is Dorothy Parker, and we're making her eat at a rectangle table.

You guys probably won't get that because you're not dead yet. Wow. Gertrude Stein. Why'd you serve this in a mug instead of a... Wait for it. A Stein. Get it?

Hold on, everybody. Gertrude Stein is trying to leave early. I'll be right back, living people. Hey, everyone. This is the end of part one of this recap. For part two, keep an eye on your podcast feed. It is coming up.

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Some people get a wild haircut or book a spontaneous trip when life throws them a curveball. But Molly? Well,

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At 24, I lost my narrative, or rather it was stolen from me. And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. I

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My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank up. They connected with the people that I'm talking to and leave with maybe some nuggets that help them feel a little more hopeful. Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.