Shownotes Transcript
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♪ Oh, a little bit of crap ♪ ♪ Who cares? ♪ ♪ Happens when there's so much that happens ♪
well hello and welcome to watch what crappens i'm ronnie and that is ben welcome to texas week texas we're excited because guess what we're in austin this friday night recapping summer house and then we're in dallas the following night recapping vanderpump rules classic season six episode five sex lies and
Audio tape will be in Vegas the following week. Recapping, I think Summer House. I'm not even sure if it's over by then. We'll see. And after that, we added shows in Seattle and Los Angeles in June. So come to any of those or all of those. Go to watch what crappens for your ticket links. And that's also where you find links to our Patreon, which is where you get our bonus episodes this week.
We are doing a trailer trash breakdown for the Real Housewives of Miami new season. Last week we did Below Deck. Before that, we did Next Gen NYC. We've got White Lotus recaps, all the traitors. And soon in June, soon in June, we begin our Love Island coverage only on Patreon. So join us over there for some good times. How are you feeling today, Ben?
Well, I have to say, well, first of all, Summer House will definitely still be on next week. So I think we can I think we can lock that one in for Vegas because, you know, the Summer House season has been hot. I'll tell you how I'm feeling, which is that we have Breaking Bravo News. Actually, I don't know if you know Peter or whether you know Peter or whether you know Peter. Alexia News Network. Hello. Welcome to the Alexia News Network. Alexia News Network has some updates.
What's that? - It's a cry. - My breaking news singer has apparently a crying sound effect on the back end of it, which is, well, you know what? There's someone in the press corps who's very emotional right now. Sir, if you're gonna cry during a press conference, please take it outside, thank you. - Marisol, she hasn't even said anything yet. - Okay. - That sobbing was a real nice touch.
This is the breaking news, Bravo TV. We were just chatting. We were just chatting before we started the podcast. Just blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I happened to look down and while we were chatting, Bravo made an announcement about four new shows and they got me so excited I just had to break out the breaking news stinger. - Oh yeah, that's what it is. What are they? - Yeah, some of the shows we have already sort of heard rumors about, et cetera. Okay, the first show, "The Real Housewives of Rhode Island," which- - Fuck yes.
Fuck yes. Fuck yes. I don't even know what that means, but I'm so excited. Like, isn't Rhode Island a state? It is. It is. Remember, this was an issue that Giselle featured, she didn't know where Rhode Island was. But Rhode Island is a state. And in fact, we, as we've mentioned this so many times, we were ardent fans of the one-hit wonder Game of Crowns, which took place largely in Rhode Island. Oh.
Oh, right. It's just great. It's going to be great. This is going to also fill the void, I think, a little bit of the Real Housewives of New Jersey because you also get like a really strong Italian-American situation up there. So this is the land of- So what's wrong with me? I can survive this.
So then Rhode Island. Holy crap. I never would have thought that that was going to be a thing. I did read rumors of that. I heard Rhode Island thrown around. I also heard like Chicago and what was the other one? They keep saying another Texas one, but I doubt it. But Rhode Island seemed the most far fetched. But fuck, yeah, I'm in.
It's great because you get like the Massachusetts, you sort of, it's like Massachusetts adjacent. So you get like sort of the mass hole thing, you know, which is great. But then you also have that Rhode Island element. I mean, DJ Pauly V, he is from there. So DJ Pauly D, not Pauly V. Really excited about that one. The next one, this is, I did not see this one coming. This one floored me. Returning to Bravo, Ladies of London.
Whoa, really? How interesting. I wonder, so wait, are they still doing Real Housewives of London? Because that's not a Bravo show. I wonder if they retooled. I just scrolled, they have little blurbs. Okay. Well, let me read the blurb about Rhode Island. It says...
The Rhode Island franchise expands the world of tight-knit circle of Rhode Islanders who have deep community roots and families that go back generations with aspirational lives. Okay, this is just bullshit. Okay, Ladies of London is back with a new wave of British bluebloods, ambitious American expats, and glamorous international socialites. As tradition clashes with the fast-paced and globalized world, these power players redefine what it means to be a woman of status in one of the most iconic cities in the world.
Here, connections and currency and the crown isn't the only thing up for grabs. Caroline Fleming better be part of this. That's what I've got to say right now. Cats, whatever you want. Blueberries, strawberries. Okay, so what else? The next one, the Valley, Persian style. Yes, it looks like it's a spinoff of the Valley. Reza, Gigi, and MJ. Well, they finally did it.
They did it. They share an unbreakable bond, one built on years of friendship, fiery clashes, and the kind of history that never fades. They also share a deep connection to their Persian culture, something that runs just as strong in the group of friends that they now call family, as they take on the next stage of life in...
the valley, their world is bigger, their circle is bolder, and their challenges are more real than ever, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So those three, they did it. So Shah's the sunset is resurrected in the form of the valley. That is crazy. Wow. Okay. And then I found...
I found the fourth one and we had talked about this a little bit. This is Wife Swap: The Real Housewives Edition. When a real housewife takes off her stilettos and steps into a real housewife's shoes, all bets are off as two of entertainment's most iconic franchises are mashed up, leading to laugh out loud moments, personal epiphanies, and an opportunity to see if the grass is truly greener.
They are not saying what who's in it, but the rumors are it's Emily, Melissa Gorga. I forgot the other ones.
So that's good. These sound fun. Yeah, especially a new real house, a couple new lady shows, which we desperately need. I was just thinking I had a long drive because I had to go into the city to see about getting my droopy eyelids done. But if any, if anybody wants to do my droopy eyelids as a hobby, I'm into hobbyists. So call me by that. I mean, for free, if you're just practicing and you're sick of practicing droopy eyelids on frogs, call me.
Anyway, at a long drive. And I was thinking, because I was so sick of listening to the show I was listening to, I was like, why isn't Jersey filming? Why?
Why is it not filming yet? This isn't fair to us. We need it back. What's Bravo doing there? They've got all these housewives shows sitting on the, you know, the back burner, not doing anything. We need our housewives. This is not okay. We saw some new dating shows, some Tyson Beckford show. I don't want that. I want my housewives. Give me my house. So I feel like this is a gift from the universe after being called by the eye doctor.
By the way, thanks a lot. You're not wonky eyed. I am wonky. But, you know, I want someone like you to tell me you're not wonky eyed, but I can fix it anyway. You don't want some doctor like, oh, we can, you know, don't worry. Everybody's kind of wonky eyed. Who wants to hear that? I didn't even bring up my onky. It's like going in there and being like, hey, I have droopy eyelids. And they're like, well, you should get your tits done. I didn't talk about that. Are you bringing that up?
Yeah. Anyway, I'm excited. I feel like it was a gift handed to me personally. It is a gift. I needed it this morning too because I wasn't diagnosed with a wonky eyelid, but I had this flourishing pepper plant that I just potted and it was just doing beautiful things. And some asshole caterpillar who probably will be on the Real Housewives of Rhode Island has come along and chopped off...
almost every single there's one leaf left it was this big thing i was like it's doing so well and i came out there and there's one leaf left and i was so mad i was like literally furious and uh this news has now really turned turned it around for me so while you were dealing with your wonky eyelid i'm dealing with with this caterpillar from hell and um this news really saved our day so thank you bravo i'm excited especially for rhode island and ladies of london
uh ladies in london that was a real surprise did not see that coming at all i totally agree with you ladies shows are back we need more of them um and i can't wait to see what these are you know the the wife swap thing i'm not i don't really care about that one to be honest i'm gonna say right now i'll check it out like i don't want to have to see anybody live with shane i mean what the hell like emily emily's annoying enough on her own show why would you give her another one but
Listen, don't complain about your toys while Santa's still in the house, right? Now, Santa is still here. Get your hands off my cookies, you fat fuck. He's still here. Thank you, Santa. I won't complain till later. Thank you, Bravo Santa. But today, we do have things to complain about because it's the Valley Day.
It's another week of making us try to feel sorry for Jax. Still not going to fucking happen, okay? Jax has spent his week selling zero tickets for his man tour or whatever the fuck he's doing. He's like, hey guys, it's me, Jax.
You know, you guys should come because I'm like Christian now. I love God. And I put crucifixes in my Instagram stories. Come see my live show about sobriety at a bar, which is his latest thing. He is literally posting Instagram stories with prayer hands and crucifixes. Jax, you're not on death row. There is no reason to pretend you're Christian right now. Okay. You're not trying to get your sentence reduced and no one's buying this shit. Okay. So keep it. You can keep that to yourself.
Yeah, yeah. This is the inevitable path that Jackson can go down. You know, he's going to run into sort of like very Christian coded stuff and just pander to to that audience now. And it will it will not be long before he's doing all the right wing circles like it's that's just what he's going to do. You know, he'll be up there touring with Rob Schneider. So Jesus know that when he died on that cross, he was going to be used for eternity as like
douchebag band-aids is like douchebag reputation, band-aids. Okay. Jesus aspired for more. You know what I mean? God leave the guy alone. How long has he been dead? 2020 to 2025 years minus 30. Leave the guy alone.
Yeah, seriously. So, yeah, Jax is so terrible, and we really got a wonderful new, not new insight, but we just got to see more insight today. But there's a lot of toxicity to go around, so let's start off. So we're at Jesse's house, and he's packing with his dog and Isabella, because they're about to go on the cast trip to Santa Barbara. So he's asking Isabella what...
what he should pack. And she's like, so he's like, okay, cool. She picks him some flower shoes and he's like, thanks for your taste. Well, one of you has got to have it. Someone does. Someone needs it in this family because it ain't you. It ain't you, dead eyes. All right. And then we have Aaron and Michelle are eating breakfast or something and his eyes are bugging out and he's like, so...
Are you having second thoughts about going to the trip at all? Honestly, I have so many emotions. I'm so confused. A part of me just wants to stay home and not deal with it, but a part of me wants to be on TV.
Yeah. And she's like, anything could happen with Desi. So, dun, dun, dun, what's going to happen? I'll tell you, she went on Watch What Happens Live with Zach last night. And I just watched the first couple of minutes because, you know, I can only take so much wooing. And that whole show is built on woo. So, I can only watch a couple minutes. But, wow, that lady needs to stop at the Charisma store. I need that.
There's like no spark in there. She needs to get a new battery put in her. Like something's wrong with her. I felt kind of bad for her. And Andy pulled Zach's hair to make sure it was real. It's real. It's just really thick. Isn't that crazy? He has like crazy thick hair. Why does Zach get to say horrible things to people and get thick hair, but I say horrible things to people and you made me bald at like 25. I mean, what the hell? While we've got Jesus in this discussion,
I'm standing up for you against douchebags. Give me some hair and less wonky eyes. Wow. It's just a, it's just a big spiral today, huh? Everything's, everything's really sending you down a path. And listen, I get it. I'm in the middle of the path already. I'm not down the path. I'm already, I started this show. I've already, I was started the show in the middle of the path.
No, I know this actually means you're in a great mood. Yeah, I am. I'm like firing. I'm ready to get anybody who gets in my way. So that's when I'm in my happy place. Yeah. Like if you're not watching, he has a big smile on his face. Someone said that a few weeks ago about the Crap and Fun Demand videos. They said, wow, Ronnie's actually happier than I thought. He smiles the whole show. I thought he was like miserable and just...
Hating everything, but he's yeah, I'm fine. This this is fun for me. This is a happy place. Yeah That's that's why we tune in that's why we're here so thanks for tuning in Ben It's time for a commercial it's time for a crappin's commercial
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- Either way though, no, it's funny. Zach's hair, I mean, yes, it's thick, but I still don't understand why it's in that style then. Like people have thick hair, but they don't, they just don't style their hair like wigs, you know? - But it's the value, like we can't question the style too much or we'll be here all day. Like the style in this show today, I mean,
All of them, really. I don't think any of them made it out well styled today. And I'm an old lady queen, so it's not like I'm that judgmental usually. But even I'm like, oh, God, Polly. I don't know what's going on with Brittany. Can we talk about what I don't know what's going on with Brittany's styling these days. I don't know what she's going for, but it is it is just it is. I can't. I don't know. It's bad.
It's bad. It's so bad. I think she's like, Oh God. Yeah. No, I think she's like trying to show off the Tata's cause they're big and glorious, but like, and she's just showing them off in strange ways. It's just the, the makeup is bad, but you know, it's the whole thing. It's the styling. It's not the person, you know, like Brittany's,
Annoying, but she's like a cute girl, but her it's the eyebrow markers and then the lipstick slatter and the too much base. And then the bordello outfit she was wearing today. It was like lace glitter bordello open down the middle with just what are you doing? What are you doing? I mean, here's what you're doing. I'll tell you this. You're entertaining me because I laugh every time I start cracking up every day. That outfit today was hilarious.
It's just every week there's something where I'm like, "Really? This is the choice you made? Okay." Choices. It's fine. Well, she married Jax. Yeah. Country songs. Can Britney sing? Because I feel like she could pull off a country career. I feel like she could pull it off. She probably could. She probably sings like, "Beer cheese! I left him for beer cheese!"
Ma'am all got in her big old truck. Did you see that country TikTok that somebody made of Britney? And it's before he cheats, but instead of before he cheats, it's like before he overdoses on cocaine or whatever. And that was crazy. That was crazy. That TikTok.
Whoever did that? That's some funny shit. People kept posting it and I don't have the sound turned on on my TikToks because they make me crazy. And I just thought it was like a Britney montage, but people kept posting it and posting it. So finally I watched it and I laughed my ass off. I mean, I felt kind of guilty for laughing my ass off, but it was good. It was good. It was really, it was so deranged. Um,
So anyway, Zach is wearing a baseball hat. Okay, so he's like, so I want to talk about Santa Barbara because every fiber of my being is worried that this is going to be an insane shit show. And I feel like Janet has tried to constantly take me down or get me out of this group. And I'm like,
shrug just like you would do Kristen seriously why hold on to that horrible grudge Kristen Kristen who still won't talk to Janet also is like that still gives interviews on how Lisa Vanderpump ruined her life like literally
And Zach's like, "Because it's ridiculous, okay?" He's like, "Shush, shush." So then we go to Danny and Nia's condo. This building needs help. Now I know that they did end up buying a house in Santa Clarita. That was all over the news this week. They're like, "Oh my God, India versus Pakistan. Danny and Nia moved to Santa Clarita. What should we put on top?" But this condo needs some help.
Did you notice the outside of it? I was like, ouch. We need like a valley HOA or something because there's tiles falling off everywhere. There's like holes in the stucco. It looks bad. Yeah, it's like a very, very sad and unfortunately emblematic building for the valley. Like there's so many of these buildings that look like that. And I say this as someone who went into the valley two nights ago. Guys, I was there. I was there. I survived.
I saw a lot of these buildings. I was actually right by, I was close to where you are, Ronnie, but you obviously are- - Oh, thanks. - You have a much nicer place. But I was thinking about you. I was like, "Oh, I'm in Ronnie's neighborhood." But yeah- - What a dump. You're like, "Yeah, this is where Ronnie lives." What a shit hole. I can't wait to talk about this on this show. - Ronnie lives in a nice part though. There's like the left side and the right side. Ronnie's on the left side.
- Dead end here on the right side. - I love the bow. I'm just saying, you know, we need to fix our tiles. You know what I mean? If all the tiles are broken off of the rim of the building, you gotta fix some. I mean, there's children live there. Children. Protect the children's family. - It's a sad building.
It's a sad, sad building there. And that's a sad building. And it's also sad on the inside, too. Like every time we go to Danny and Nia's condo, I just sort of cringe and feel uncomfortable. And I'm like, not at ease until we go to another scene. Yeah, they're like always like feeding the baby right by the treadmill that's stuck in the living room. I'm like, this is uncomfortable. Like, I know this is real life and people do that, you know, but I'm watching TV. I don't want to watch this shit. I'll turn on TLC if I want to see some poor mom trying to breastfeed and like stab the way of the treadmill.
Yeah, and really nothing really could somehow... Do they have treadmills on TLC? Just kidding. Go ahead, what? They just have treads. Um...
Nothing really summarizes the LA experience. Like, honestly, Danny... What's his name? Danny Bucco or Danny Zuko or something like that. Of course his name is like that. Like, his existence is the LA experience, which is he's this guy who will simultaneously brag about starring in a movie that was a parody of Fast and the Furious while living, like, cheek by jowl with his Peloton and, like, a coffee machine and having no room in his apartment. So, it's like, it's all about sort of, like, presenting...
Like you are, you know, the figurehead of an amazing franchise. And the truth is you're just crammed right on in there with your, with your Costco boxes. Oh man, that's just dark. So by that, I mean, watch your crap. Um, so we go to, uh, me and Danny and they're in there horrible, horribly run down slum. And, um,
She's like, I don't want to bring kids on the trip. We need to get some sleep. And he's like, after some lovemaking. Yeah. No. And then we go to Janet and Jason's house with their iconically low hood in the kitchen. And I mean, Ronnie, listen, if we're going to be raising some hoods, we have to deal with their hood before we get to your eyelids. Okay. Because that's the thing that really needs to be hoisted up. It's too low. It's too low. Yeah.
Tell your doctor to go do something about their oven hood. The doctor's like, I can raise your hood. I can't do anything about your wonky eye, unfortunately. He's like, I just happen to be very handy when it comes to home repairs. Yeah.
So what are they doing over there? I don't care. So everybody's going to be leaving from the same house. So they all are meeting up there. And Jesse is wearing like a shirt with grapes on it because he's going to wine country. So he's a themed person. You know, that's what you do. You go to wine country. So you bring your grape shirt and your dead eyes.
And Janet's like, where did you get that shirt? I didn't see that on sale at Dave & Buster's. And he's like, well, we're going on a wine trip, so I'm going to wear a wine shirt. He really knows how to take all the joy out of a fun, silly shirt, right? Yeah.
Like, he's just like so serious about it. And everyone's like, "Okay, that's great." So now we go to the car and like everyone's in different cars and we're in one car with Danny, Nia, and Jasmine and Zach and they're all driving together and Zach is like, "Nia, I don't know if I told you this, but Bungie is going to move here in like two months." And Nia's like, "Oh, wow."
"Who's that again? Can you see this like long term with whoever this person is?" He's like, "No, yeah, I would marry him like right now, but apparently I need to buy a Swiffer first before he can serve any such proposals." "Why wouldn't I marry him? He calls me like a nasty footed helmet headed freak. I'm into it."
And Jasmine's like, "Oh yeah, yeah, on that topic I got you a little piece of Benji. I made him a stick figure. Isn't that cute? It's like a little popsicle stick with Benji on it." And he's like, "Oh my god! What is that? What is that? Is that Benji? It's Benji! It's like Benji on a stick! This is crazy! This is literally insane!" It's Benji. It's Benji. Yeah, it's Benji. Yeah, it's Benji! It's Benji. It's Benji! So he's like, "This is hilarious!
"Hi! Oh wait, let's do a pantomime. Wait a second, I can do this, I got some. Okay. Hi, Benji! Hi, Zach! I'm Zach, I'm Benji! How are you? Oh no! Oh no, I lost my Benji! Oh, Benji's not here anymore. He saw that... he saw my apartment and he left the car. Okay, that's fine. He doesn't have to come on the trip." He's like, "Let me think of something really funny to say. Benji, say it in my ear: you hate Janet too?"
Just kidding. Brittany didn't say that. I said it. So in the other car, we have Brittany, Michelle, Janet, and Jason. Brittany is getting texts because her phone is dinging. And Michelle is like, don't even read it, Brittany. I say this as someone who has a year 2007 text-to-voice voice.
Please do not even read the tags. And Brittany's like, well, guess what, y'all? He's texting me all day long. I found out he's in therapy almost seven hours a day. So they take his phone while he's in there. And then he gets 15-minute breaks. And then he comes out on the 15-minute break. And Ray texts me. And then goes back into the therapy. And then comes back out. Ray texts me. And goes back into therapy.
One of the main reasons why Jax is in this mental health facility right now is because of his anger issues and his rage. And also, I actually thought that whenever he was in there for 30 days, I thought I'd be able to have some kind of peace. But guess what? Here's what we see now. Some text messages from Jax!
These text messages are horrifying, okay? So we see some pop up on the screen and it's like, please don't lie to me. I'm not playing your game. Just be honest. I want this place to work for me and I'll crumble if I find out you're doing that. He's a liar. Can you talk to me? Talk to me. Why aren't you calling me? Why aren't you calling me? It's sickness and health. Jack, you're broken up. You were just fucking some girl the other day in your house and left the thong on the countertop. Stop acting like she's your wife. You are...
You are separated. You kicked her out of the house with your son so you could keep fucking people in there. Please. Yeah. With your sickness and in health. Yeah. Maybe she vows to stay by you in sickness and health, but not in sluttiness and health. And that's basically what you are. So no. Yeah. It's not. Yeah.
in sickness and abuse i will stay with well yeah that's exactly what this is these text messages are so awful i don't know why she hasn't blocked him or at least put him on like no notifications because this is not good for her mental health and this is i mean it's terrible honestly i felt genuinely awful for britney that she has to deal with this monster sending these incessant texts and this is just what we're seeing in this sliver of life think about
all the years that she received these text messages and the years that she covered up for him and giggled and acted like it was okay when she was in, she was trapped with this monster of a man. I mean, this guy's,
Terrible, absolutely terrible. I mean, I would never send these text messages to anyone. And anyone who's receiving these sort of text messages from someone, I hope you realize you don't deserve them and you should get out of that situation. Because this is not normal and it's not right. Yeah, he's disgusting. So then we go over to Jesse's car and he's in his new high-end Beamer and Kristen's just laying down in the back. And I know that Jesse hated that.
because you know when you have a new car i mean especially that one that's a nice car and kristen's just all like in the back i know that he's thinking in his mind like god damn it i have to be nice to kristen right now and then i want to eject her the fuck out of this car yeah well she's in the back there singing off key fleawood mac so he's like well michelle look
Michelle hasn't even looked at me in the eyes yet this morning. Me neither. So there's that. Wait, she didn't look at me neither. Hey, and you know what? I heard Luke go, hi, Michelle. Remember Luke? Remember Luke when he said, hi, Michelle? He's like, yeah, she looked down and away. I'm like, okay. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
He's like, what's your problem? I hope it goes well because I don't want chaos like the last week or so. Shut up. You're going to cause it. You're going to be the one screaming and dead eye crying in the end and you're weirdly fitting underwear. Who
Where'd you even get those? Those bikini briefs that were like somewhere between like a thong and like grandpa, grandpa underwear. I didn't understand how, why are they like two sizes too big for you? Like what's happening? I had a lot of questions about that underwear. It was like sumo wrestling. It was like sumo wrestling underwear. Right?
Yeah, it was like baggy. It's almost like a diaper, but also like a bikini brief. And it also was like a weird shade of gray. It was actually the shade of gray of my shirt. I have I have I have Jesse Lolly gray on today. That's my look apparently.
No, because yours looks great. His looks like dirty. It looked like prison, like prison dirty, you know, like sumo wrestler in prison for too long. And I haven't let him watch his weird jockstrap thing. Okay. So then Michelle, we cut to Michelle and she's like, I'm so Abby is the one that is always screaming and always upset. And I'm like, if you're so happy, be happy. But like, leave me alone. Do you know what I mean?
Yeah. Cause he's saying like, oh my God, she's always talking about how happy she is. And it cuts her being like, I'm so happy. So then Brittany's like, yeah, you guys are both like in full on relationships. And she's like, yeah, my plan is just to avoid Jesse as much as possible and have fun with my girlfriends. And I'm going to be on the other side of the house, not dealing with this bullshit. Commercials. Here comes one right now.
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Everyone has that friend who seems kind of perfect. For Patty, that friend was Desiree. Until one day... I texted her and she was not getting the text. So I went to Instagram, she has no Instagram anymore. And Facebook, no Facebook anymore. Desiree was gone. And there was one person who knew the answer. I am a spiritual person, a magical person.
A gorgeous Brazilian influencer called Cat Torres. But who was hiding a secret?
From Wondery, based on my smash hit podcast from Brazil, comes a new series, Don't Cross Cat, about a search that led me to a mystery in a Texas suburb. I'm calling to check on the two missing Brazilian girls. Maybe get some undercover crew there. The family are freaking out. They are lost. I'm Chico Felitti. You can listen to Don't Cross Cat on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. By the way,
I want to point, I want to bring up something. I don't think we talked about this before,
They filmed the Valley reunion last week, which like this is episode four, I believe. So it's like it's really early. And because basically Nia and Kristen are pregnant and expecting soon. But the thing that people were talking about is the fact that Michelle was put on the last seat of the sofa opposite Jesse. So like Jesse's like third or fourth seat or something like that. And Michelle is all the way at the end past Danny and Nia. What do you think about that, Ronnie?
Well, I think the rest of the season is Danny, you know, grabbing Jasmine and her girlfriend's butt and being like a sexual perv. And then he gets called out on that. So I think the all that comes out. And so it becomes them. The drama of the season becomes them. I think at least that's what we're seeing in previews.
that that's i suspect it's that i also think that i would not be surprised if michelle said literally keep me as far away from jesse as possible and they're like okay but that means you're gonna be at the end of the sofa she's like i don't care like that's the only way because honestly even with danny and nia having issues the jesse and michelle stuff is so central to the season and i just am shocked that she's all the way back there and then people are dunking on her because she's all the way back there but i'm like
i don't know i'm still more on her side than his side well yeah he's the worst but also i don't know i'm sure that andy doesn't make these seating arrangements you know like he probably doesn't care about this show but he barely knows their names and watch what happens like he's like and now we've got michelle something or other and zach
I don't know. I'm still kind of, I'm still kind of getting my, getting my, getting my bearings here ever since I spilled that drink in front of Connie. Connie, what's her face? Did you see that clip? He spilled a drink on the show and he then like
became obsessed with picking up every single ice cube in the middle of the interview and like Connie What's-Her-Face from Friday Night Lights was like, "Can we keep going with this interview?" And he's like, "Hold on, gotta pick up all the ice." It's like, what is happening with Andy being determined to get every ice cube? - No, I didn't see that. That was funny though.
So then we go to Santa Barbara. It's a gorgeous home, this big Spanish home. - So nice. - And everyone's like, "Oh my God, the view." So they come and then he'll only let them in if they leave the drama at the door.
They're like, uh, okay. And Jesse comes out and he's like, hey guys, I got us all white flags. We've all got white flags. And Brittany's like, what's a white flag for? What's that for? And someone's like, I think it means peace. And Zach goes, that means that you like give up in war.
Yeah, I think white flags are surrender more than peace, but that's fine. All these people need to surrender. When you come in peace, you bring donuts. That is precisely correct. And I would really love, I would love someone to come in peace for me right now. So Jesse's handing out these white flags and he's like, Michelle, you need a white flag more than anyone. She's like, no, thank you. So she does not take her white flag. Good for her.
And she just walks in and she's like, Jesse, you don't get a pass for treating me like shit every single day. And now you called me in escort. So screw you and your white flag. Yeah. So Jesse goes on and on about how old Spanish homes are his vibe. That's his thing. And then people get to pick their rooms. And Chris is like, oh, we can get a lot of baby making done in here with this view. Oh, I cuckoo. And someone else is like, cuckoo, Kristen. She's like, cuckoo.
Yeah, she literally took that. I certainly did. She did the full on caca. This set up our trip honestly couldn't be more perfect for Luke and I. It's my ovulation window. And for once we can have sex without Jill trying to hop on top of us. So we can get a little vacation, a little bit of wine, no dogs. We can make some babies this weekend. Caca. Yeah, it was kind of weird that she said now we can finally make babies because we don't have, you know, the dogs around. The dogs can't say anything. Fuck wherever you want.
Yeah, close that door. What are they gonna do, file a complaint? They don't have opposable thumbs. I'm telling you, Jill is a jealous bitch. She is jealous. She does not want to see Luke with any other woman. So let's see, Zach's like, "Oh my god, I'm gonna put Benji right at the window of my room. Oh my god, what'd you say, Benji? I'm filthy? Okay, well thanks. I can't wait to see you, Benji."
They check out their backyard. Jesse's already finished off two bottles of Prosecco, which is, you know, going to lead to disaster later. No word on how much Coke he snorted, but his eyes are black. They're pure black. They're like alien takeover black at this point. Yeah, this is pod person right here. And then guess what, everyone? Melissa's here. Who's that? That's Jasmine's girlfriend. So she's here and
And everyone's getting into like NASCAR outfits. We're like, why are they doing that? It's because they're going to be going to some sort of like car racing event. And Janet's like, I've actually never been to a NASCAR race, which surprisingly, cause I'm white trash, but you know, I'm not that white trash, but I will bring a fanny pack full of Dave and Buster's tickets to the event just in case. And then Danny's like, well, I was the lead in a movie called super fast, which was a spoof of the fast and the furious franchise. Yeah.
So I'm going to be the one to beat today because I once sat in a car that was towed by a pickup truck that had a camera on it. So I kind of know a thing or two about racing.
So Kristen and Luke's door, they're banging in there. We hear a lot of... So they're doing it. And then they come out wearing their NASCAR stuff. So now everybody's doing their Talladega Nights thing. And...
You know, it's like a fun and games scene. So yeah. Jesse's like, I'm actually, I actually got a F1 sponsor. So this is like a legit costume. This is like real. And like literally no one cares. Michelle just gives that look like, you know,
So then they all, they all, Zack shows up and he was like dressed like Super Mario or whatever. And then everyone's just coming downstairs. So Brittany's like, okay, I have to say that Jesse, like, cause all of a sudden Jesse is like shirtless for some reason. I guess they, they get to the place. Is he at the place or somewhere where he's like, he's in his jumpsuit. Yeah, they show up at the place and they're doing that slow motion walk where it's like, here's the gang all in stupid outfits.
and he's shirtless. And so she's like, hey, can you move the egg a little bit?
yeah i think gave everyone the ick because like why is he walking around like with his like jumpsuit like half raveled down to his knees i think he's like getting in touch with his like former model days but it's just like um i mean it doesn't look bad but it's just like the hubris of it all is so gross that you just go disgusting and zach's like even little benji on a stack rolled his eyes at jesse
"Bingey on the stick says he doesn't want to be her anymore? Wait, why is Bingey on the stick leaving so quickly? What was that, Bingey on the stick? You say you're getting deported? What? How did my stick figure get deported? Is it actually deported or is he just coming up with an excuse to get away from me? Bingey!" So, now everyone's making fun of Jesse's nipples, and Luke's like, "Wow, you got small nipples." And he's like, "Yeah." And they also point in different directions. Luke's like, "Those are my coat nipples." Luke, you were just let into this group.
Yes. Get off the man's nipples. And so they're like nipple talking. And then they're doing remote control cars around this little thing. I have to be honest. They should not open with fun and games thing because I was scrolling. I was doing a lot of phone scrolling. Yeah.
Yeah, this was a very long fun and game segment. I mean, it did look like actual fun. Like, I was like, oh, I kind of want to go to Santa Barbara and do these, like, remote control cars. But it also went on for a very long time, where basically it was like that old video game RC Pro-Am, and they're just...
going up and going over jumps and around and then they did one heat and then another heat and then another. The best part about it was that Zach was, they were like, well, what's going to happen if a car flips over? And like, well, some of us who are not in the heat are going to go stand out there and write the cars. And Zach's like, I am not going to do that. And it cuts to him and he's like, he's actually the only one doing it. And he has like a little umbrella and he's just like, I hate this so much.
the things I will do for my bingy stick figure. Brittany's like, I'm so happy! Finally it's legal for me to drive again. What do you mean you took my tiny car license? What do you mean? I can still be riding their little tiny car.
I'm glad that this is what the event was, because for a while, when they were letting us believe that they were actually driving some sort of go-karts or race cars, I was like, does anyone realize that Jesse just bragged about drinking two bottles of Prosecco, and he's like, now we're going to go drive some race cars. I was like, is anyone paying attention to this sequence of events here? But it turns out it's okay, because...
They're tiny cars. So then we get some nasty texts from Jax. Don't don't don't ding, ding, ding. He's like, call me, call me. I have stuff I want to say. I just got out of therapy. I mean, like not making you feel safe or like wanting to ask how you are. And then I took a screen, actually read it, took screenshots of this. You took my job away from me. I've worked so hard for two years and you took it from me. You took my son from me. You're disgusting.
Yeah, that sounds like you can go back to the house and fuck Julian. Trust me. I gave my friends your address. They're going to stop by. What? Oh, geez. Let me see. That's menacing. I'm doing this for my son. And your family is the most fucked up I've ever seen. And they would never something they would never they would never do what you did. I'll never ever forgive you. You destroyed the only thing that was worth doing. Love.
Even Ryan said, I don't blame you. What she did was ruthless. Ryan's his manager. I think showing random people that video is absolutely disgusting. You better be taking care of that house. You said you have been there a few times a week to get the packages, take care of the home. You put me in here. Now do the fucking work as a single mom. I'm watching the cameras and you're not there again. Where was my fucking note? If you cared, you have the time to fuck Julian.
- I mean, yikes. - And what's sad is that, I mean, I'm- - That's just one screenshot. - Yeah, and this isn't even like, I have to imagine this isn't even coke induced. This is just Jax induced, right? 'Cause I don't think he has access, he's in rehab. - Well, it's comedown also induced. It's, what do you call it?
How could I not know of everybody? But like when you're coming off drugs and you have withdrawal. Yeah, because this is only day three. So he's probably going nuts. But that's not to excuse it. It's just saying like it might not be coke, but it's still coke related. Coke at coke ask. So so she's getting all these texts and and she's just I mean, I'm actually very impressed with Brittany that she's receiving all these texts and she's not like.
really spiraling because it's like if someone's texting you these awful things like that's that takes a toll on you but she's just like oh he's just saying do you think the heart may and just like i mean only jax would rage text from rehab and kristen's like bernie is jack's rage texting you she's like 24 7. she goes oh well i got a text from him earlier but of course the text to kristen was like oh i love it here
At all. Cause he's texting, apparently texting everyone being like, oh my God, I love it here. I'm really learning so much. So he's putting on this whole front, like he's enjoying all the work that is in the self care, et cetera. But to Brittany, he's actually showing his shoe colors, which is pure monster. Yeah. She shows Kristen the messages he's actually sending to her and, um, it's nasty. Oh my gosh. We have them all written out here. Thank you. Notetaker. I didn't even need to struggle with the screenshot. I hadn't read far down enough. Um, nice work.
But yeah, they're all here. He's disgusting. This fucking guy. So Chris is like, what the fuck? And she's like, he literally says I put him in prison. He's miserable. And now he knows we're in Santa Barbara and he's like, well, Oh, I like being here. I'm going to take this serious, but he's just texting all you guys and saying this to me.
And it's like more manipulative crap. That's what it is. And I'm not checking in on him. I'm not being a good wife. Why? Cause I haven't sent care packages yet. It's a three days, like relax. You're not his fucking you're separated period. And it's over everything. Send it to a lawyer and do not speak with him. You're under no obligation to speak with him. He's not even helping with the kid. He's doing nothing. Cut him off.
Yeah, 100%. And I actually, what I'm happy about is that I think that she really is doing this. Like, she is not, she's not sending the care packages. She is cutting him off. I think she's doing, like, the right things. It took us years, years of us being like, Brittany, don't, like, stop this, stop this. And I feel like she's actually in a good place in terms of handling him, which is, like, she seems like she is, like, has drawn that boundary and said, absolutely not. Not, I should say. And he is still texting. And then, yeah.
Kristen texted Jax and was like, I'm so proud of Brittany for putting herself first. Because that was like her response to be like, I'm not going to be on your side just because you're sending me these text messages.
Yeah. And then he texts back and Chris is like, here we go. Here we go. He texted back. You're not looking though. You're not looking though. This is like super depressing. I don't want you to see it, but it's like horrible when he says, don't look at it. Don't look at it. It's going to make you cry. Oh my God, Jack, don't look at it. Don't look at it. And so she does. And he says, oh yeah, she's taking care of herself by sending pics of herself to Julian while I was in Michigan, naked pics and pics of my son.
Oh, please. Like he hasn't sent his dick to like every single worker at AM PM. So your dick was just in TMZ while you were walking on the public street, sir. Literally. Literally. She's like, oh, here's going off again. And Zach's like, oh, were you texting her too? It's like texting everyone. Like the guy who's like, the guy who runs like the remote control place is like, hey, y'all, I just got a text from Jax. He says, Brittany, you sent some videos to someone named Julian and I shouldn't trust you. Does anyone know what this means?
And she starts crying and Zach's like, well, I mean, what, what is, what kind of rehab is this? You can like text while you're in rehab. It's like crazy.
Yeah, and then he's still going. The texts just keep on coming through. Going out partying while your husband's in mental health house is coming across real nice. Go screen grab all this now. Send it to your friends. You're good at that. By the way, why is she not allowed to party because you're in rehab? Why should she? What, she's supposed to stay home and put a candle in the window like she's in Cold Mountain? No, she's going to party and she deserves to because she can finally get some peace and distance from you. Yeah, and she's not with you again.
So Zach's like, just give me your phone. Give me your phone. Okay. I'm going to text John. I want to bet she has. And she's like, I'm crying now. Look at me. I'm crying. You know, like if he doesn't get help, he going to keep spiraling. That scares me.
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