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Hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. This is part two of the recap. If you missed part one, go check out your podcast feed. It's right there. And without further ado, let's get right back into the recap. More fun and games. Racing time. Racing time.
So I'm going to go ahead and fast forward through most of this. Yeah, this is actually when the racing happens. We kind of jumped the gun, but the racing actually happens now. We have all of our heats. We have said what happened. Danny wins because he has that experience as an actor. And then they pop champagne bottles and it's hilarious. Yeah. And so then Janet...
Gets a headline on her phone. And she's like, oh my God, Brett, did you see this? And it's headlines about Jack. Jack's going to a mental health facility after his breakup with Brittany. I love that some people are calling it rehab and some people are calling it a mental health facility. Which is, is it like a man? It's like a Shakey's pizza. I don't know. It's like...
Maybe it's none of the above. I do think it's strange that he has so much access to text. I feel like the whole thing in rehab is that you're kind of cut off from the world. And the fact that he gets to like text every like 15 for 15 minutes, like in between sessions, I was like, this does not seem right at all. You know? Yeah. So they're like, oh my God, who's the source? Who's the tattletale? And it's like, well, I don't know who the source is, but you know, like people know stuff. That's a little weird. I'm like, how do they know this many details? How? Uh,
Well, I'll just put it out there. That profit on Atlanta is real good. So she's just putting it all out there. But honestly, I'll tell you who the culprit is. It's Jax. I guarantee Jax is the one telling the media that he's in a mental health facility. It's very obvious. Of course he would do this.
Yeah, because of course he's doing it with the most sympathetic slant. Like, poor Jax, Brittany left him and now he's in a mental health facility. You know, and they're all, I think they all say mental health, right? They don't say rehab. So it's like being very careful with his wording, etc., etc., etc.
So Brittany's like, "Hey, y'all, don't anybody tell Jax and don't anybody text Jax and tell him that he's in the TMZ. Okay? I just don't want it to be there. Okay? I don't want like, how does he know all this stuff? Okay? Like he knew we were going on this trip. Like who told him we were going on this trip?" And Jesse's like, "Um, I told him we were going to Santa Barbara." That was the quickest resolution of a storyline. I was like, "Okay, here it comes. Six episode arc. Who's the mole in the group?"
five seconds later he's like yeah i got you i mean come on we talk every day you gotta support the only you know like the bigger fucking narcissist abusive male in the group all right
He needs a narcissist shield so that way he looks like somewhat digestible. Exactly. He's got to keep it around. Yeah, Janet's like, um, we don't want to tempt him to check out early because he can check out whenever he wants. And Jason's like, yeah, well, like I spoke to him on the phone yesterday and he still blames Brittany for a lot of what's going on. So and I and in my response, I said, Jax, haha.
Like, okay, great, Jason. He's like, yeah, you're doing great over there, Jason. So, yeah, none of this is going to help. Rehab is not going to help. Going to get help is not going to help because Jax doesn't see himself as the problem. No matter what he's telling you, no matter what he's saying on his Instagram stories, he always turns it around in the end and blame somebody else. He's not going to get well. The problem is Jax. Yeah. You can't just fix that.
Yeah, yeah, he needs to get Jaxed. So Jesse's like, I mean, I don't know why anyone would care that Jax knows that we're in Santa Barbara. I mean, what would set him off is us going on a trip and not telling him and then having him see it. Like, yeah, you can be team Britney and she deserves support. But why does Jax not deserve support? Because Jax is the one sending abusive text messages. Because he's an abusive freaking asshole.
Yeah. Because he threw furniture. He broke a bar stool in a rage.
You know, it's like, that's 100% the reason why you don't support him. Yeah. So he's like, well, I did want to talk to you guys about my friend, you know, because you guys have been like social bullying her and like calling people and told people to block her. And Janet's like, um, I did not tell anyone to block her. Okay. I said I blocked her. And Jesse's like, your husband called me. And he goes, oh, yeah, I did say that.
And she goes, okay, well, but that's different. That's my husband. He's not a person. He's my husband. I like that Jesse is more offended that that Jana told people to block this girl. Then he's more offended by that than this girl actually wanting to
sending out legal letters which is kind of like basically using the law to block people right and the guy from baywatch yeah exactly and especially when it turns out that the only person that janet ordered to block was jason and just like yeah but you don't understand this girl she was on the verge of reaching 30 000 followers okay and now she's at 29.999
And she's like, listen, I had nothing but wonderful things to say about this girl. I've said like, at least she's better than the hose that Jax is dating. Who's posting screenshots about eating ass on her Instagram. And I said that I thought she was very nice to me, but the fact that she was sending letters to Michelle, you know, and the fact that she, that you allowed that was disgusting to me. It's like, well, Michelle said things that were untrue. What did she say?
say? Or Janet says, what did you say? And Jesse's like, she said your friend's going around telling people that you guys aren't together, and she's sleeping with other people. Go tell him, flashback with Sheena. Yeah, um, he verbatim, she verbatim said she's fucking somebody, and it's the guy from Baywatch, corner!
That's not Michelle. That's Sheena who said that, not Michelle. I guess Michelle said it on the show. Whatever. This person seems like a lunatic. So, Brittany's like, "I'm super uncomfortable with somebody coming into our friendship and saying that there's all sorts of slander and stuff going on, and it can't be slander if it came right from her mouth!" So, Jana's like, "Well, are you together now? So, you're not? Okay, then why are you defending a girl that you're not even together with against the mother of your child, okay?" And he's like, and Jason's like, "Cause he still likes her, and he wants to be with her still."
Jason, this is when you actually are supposed to like chill out because Jesse's going after your wife. Yeah. You're supposed to like be standing up for your wife right now and being like, don't yell and threaten my wife, yell at and threaten my wife. But he doesn't, he's just like, Jesse's like, don't manipulate this situation right now, Janet. And, uh,
And Brittany's like, who manipulated you? He goes, I'm talking to her. I'm not talking to you. And Janet's like, what did I do? Like, I don't like that your ex is threatening a lawsuit against my friend. He's like, oh, stop trying to play that fucking game with me. Okay, Jason, any time now.
You fucking wuss. I'm sorry. Is he not gay enough for you to yell at in public? Do you need Zach to come stand in so you can yell at the gay guy? Are you just afraid of yelling at an alpha? You fucking wuss. This is the thing with Jason. Jason acts nice. He's not. I'm telling you. He's not. Yeah. I was a little surprised that he's not saying anything because Jesse is actually so out of line with this. Janet has actually...
very clean logic here like her saying i don't like that your ex is threatening a lawsuit against my friend that is a completely valid thing to say and then for jesse to be like oh stop trying to play a game with me don't you play your games with me i mean jason you suck so much that i'm standing up for janet okay be a better husband for sake yeah
I'm surprised he never got called out on that. What an absolute weakling. So he's standing there watching this and Janet just walks away. And guess who stays there? Jason to hang out with Jesse. The fuck is wrong with you? How did he not get his ass chewed out for this? Well, maybe, I mean, who knows?
I will give one little out, which is that maybe they have a relationship where she's like, I don't like it when you step in and try to be like chivalrous. Cause sometimes there are people who are like that are like, no, don't fight the battles for me. I will fight my own battle. So maybe they had certainly did it when it was back.
Yeah, he did. And that's correct. It was surprising to me. I was like, I can't believe he's just sitting there. The most he said, he literally said this. He went, whoa, that's all he did. I was like, are you going to let someone talk to your wife that way? I was shocked. So Janet's like, well, I'm not playing a game. And he goes, you're not suited for this game. And so Brittany's like, whatever. And she just walks off. And Jesse just keeps going, you're not suited for this game.
And Janet's like, well, she's like standing away now. She's like, your friend shouldn't be threatening stuff. That's bullshit. And he goes, and then now Jason, of course, is still sitting with him. So he goes, and you know what? Your best friend shouldn't have been cheating on me for two years, but she did. And Janet's like, well, if I was married to you, I'd be cheating on you too. She walks off. Good for you, Janet. She's like, I've got a roll in my purse. I've got bigger things to deal with, like a dent on my forehead due to the low hood over my oven.
So she walks off and Jason stays to hang out with Jesse and then starts complimenting how hot he looks. Yeah.
So then Michelle is talking about that. She's saying that Jesse spends thousands of dollars on moisturizer. And so then we see Jesse in his underwear again, because they're back at the house. There's gonna be some grilling and everyone's getting ready for the evening activities. And Danny is in the bedroom and he's like, hey, hey, Nia.
How'd it feel watching me win? I won. I won it because I was in a movie that was a parody of the Fast and Furious, right?
So Zach decides now is the time to try and work on Janet. So he pulls Michelle aside and he's like, um, I should pull Janet aside right now. I should be like, hey, should we talk before tonight? What does Benji say? Benji? Benji says I should be shitting my pants because he's like terrified. He's like putting himself like on a plane to get the fuck out of here. I'm telling you that right now. Benji is scared. Look, Benji is shaking. Benji, stop shaking. Janet's bullying Benji.
So, Zach is now gonna give a peace offering. He's like, hey, Janna, let me get you a beer. She's like, um, okay. Yeah, what sort of beer do you want? Because his voice gets, like, really high-pitched because he's, like, nervous. He's like, what beers do you want? She's like, um, an IPA. Wait, what's that called? What? What's that? IPA? IPA? Okay. So, he, like, gets her a beer. He's like, hey, you wanna, like,
Can we talk real quick with your hip hop beer? You wanna do that? She's like, "Um, okay. I don't know what's going on right now, but sure, we can go outside." - So they go sit down and she's like, "Well, you got me a beer first, so I like that."
I like Dave and Buster's. Also ranch. Just name basic things we can get along. Tater tots anybody? So he's like, you know what? That's like, she says, do you have spray painted abs on? He's like, no, that's why I can't take my shirt off. See, it's not fair. Really hilarious. Okay, let's talk. So Janet's like, I hope he puts his guard down and realizes he said some really cruel things about me.
So he's like, okay, well, we've had a good day today. Wasn't it fun reading all of Brittany's rage texts out loud? That was fun. And how Jesse yelled at you and your husband didn't stand up for you. This has been great. So I thought that maybe we could just continue the barrel of laughs.
Yeah, so, you know, with our situation, like, things have, like, really gone sideways. And it's not just me, though. She goes, yes, it is. She goes, okay, well, we're going to talk about it. She goes, I mean, I'm a nice person despite the mean girl comments, right? Right? Okay, well, there are a lot of things that have gone sideways, and I'm responsible for a lot of them. And I feel like you're responsible for a few of them.
So I want to know where that there's always my was solely sincere when I was apologizing And I thought that we had moved forward remember when I was wearing an Axl Rose wig at a party last summer
And he's like, but then you dropped me and now we have no friendship all of a sudden. Like, I thought we were good. And then you didn't invite me to Big Bear. I was like, I was so hurt, Janet. And she's like, yeah, well, we weren't in a good place, but then we got in a good place. But then Jason rented a house that was too small to fit everybody. So then I was like, well, I have to exclude somebody. So am I in a good place with Zach? I hope that makes sense. I'm basically moving this on to Jason now.
now you know what and not suggesting that you were stalking me and trying to murder my baby yeah it was jason's fault for renting a house that was too small and should i have had a conversation with you about it sure was it more fun to bring in three giggling gays uh with pink crocs and make them do the stuff the dirty work for me perhaps
But then, Brittany came to me after the opening of Jax's and she said, "We have to get lunch. I have to tell you, things got really bad with Zach. He went crazy. And we had to have him taken out of the bar." And she said really bad stuff that you said about me. And like, she was like literally shaking. But she's like always literally shaking. Yeah, but like in a sad way. Oh. Oh.
She goes, "Yeah. And, like, to say something you hope something bad happens? I mean, if your goal was to cut me that night, you won. You won. Even my baby came out feeling horrible." And he's like, "Okay, well, I took full responsibility, okay? Like, I was blackout, so it doesn't count. There, that's me taking full responsibility, Jenna."
You know, I absolutely said stuff that I should not have said, but here's the thing. I was blacked out and I was having a private conversation with my best friend. You know, it's called talking shit. We're allowed to do that, okay? And this is basically a concrete example of how Brittany has actively taken Jonathan's side. And I kind of see that as...
Oh, betrayal. So Janet's like, well, whatever happened last night, that night, I won't ever know because I wasn't there, even though it's on TV. So I could just watch it because I was at home.
Eight months pregnant. So I'm going to pull the pregnant card again retroactively. I'm just going to keep pulling the pregnancy card. And she's like, yeah, but you know what Brittany told me? I have to live with that. And he's like, oh, my God. Is this going to go down the wrong path? I need Michelle. I mean, I need Nia. Nia, come here and hold my hand. Nia, this is going to be really hard, Nia. What?
"What? No, I need my hand. Here's my hand. Okay, what's going on?" He's like, "I'm getting, like, so emotional right now, so, like, hold my hand." "Here's my hand." "Hold it. Hold it." "Yeah." It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappin's commercial.
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So, um, Janice just looking at them like, what the fuck? Cause Janice like just staying calm, you know? And so she's like, okay, a lot's moved on. A lot's happened. I want to move forward. Okay. And he goes, okay. Yeah. Cause friends get fucked up and say things black and black out that they didn't mean, which isn't their fault. So thank you for letting me take responsibility. And she's like, Zach, let's move on. Okay. So we don't have to be best friends. He looks at her like, I told you we're.
So can we both do this? Can we both move on? Because all I'm asking, let's just have a good time together. Let's move forward, okay? Okay, kumbaya, group hug! And Nia's like, "Huh, do I have to be part of this group hug? Okay, I guess I'm sucked into it. Okay, do you still need to hold my hand? It's a little clammy." Oh, so then we get a spiritual guide named Willa coming over.
And Kristen's like, um, it's Bravo. So like we get spiritual guys to help us like resolve fractured relationships instead of apologizing. So that's what we're going to do tonight. And by the way, congrats. If your name is Willa, then you are a spiritual, spiritual guy. I think that's just kind of one of those things. If you name your child, Willa,
You just put them on the path. Like, yeah, I want my child to be a spiritual guy. I've named them Willa. Yeah, they're just there. That's just gonna be their lot in life. They will be a spiritual guy. They will be a ceremonialist as Willa declares. Yeah, don't don't name your children like positive names because they always have to live up to that. I'm naming my child won't. I don't want anything to anybody expecting anything from my child, you know, like leave my child alone.
There's no question that our group is fractured. So I found this wonderful woman. Her name is Willa. And she's going to be holding a healing ceremony for us as well as a gratitude circle where we will all sit in a circle and hopefully still receive tips like it still worked. I was going to say, you got to leave it up to an ex-waiter to still be trying to hold gratitude circles. Like, girl, you got fired from that job years ago. Let it go.
I mean, we all know Willow's not gonna be able to heal every part of this group or even some parts or even any part. I mean, not even Jesus Christ could do that himself. But I think she could put a metaphorical bandaid on him for the night. Like a really, really big bandaid. Or literally nothing even close to a bandaid. How about like she puts like...
She puts snot on it. I don't know what she even puts on it. Like, there's nothing she can put on it. This is part of all of you. Less terrible people. Okay. Like, I think this whole episode is teaching us if we're really paying attention to the lessons, you're terrible people and you have to fix that. Outside forces aren't going to fix it. Okay. Jack's going to whatever you guys sitting around in a kumbaya circle with some fucking flake wearing rock deodorant and dreads. Like, it's not going to work. Right.
Okay, you're terrible. You're still going to be terrible after this. All of you. Thank God. So you can keep your jobs on this network. So they have to go around and talk about stuff, I guess. So they start gathering around and Jason's like, so Jesse, have you and Michelle talked? Mike, have you spoken? He's like, who's Michelle?
Yeah. Yeah, no, I didn't speak to Michelle. She didn't even want to take my white flag. God, talk about someone not taking a life fucking seriously.
Yeah. We also had a, actually a nice scene of Kristen trying to ovulate because they break for a moment. And so she got, she found out that like her ovulation was off or something like that. Like she thought it was good. Her window was open, but it's closed. And she sort of just has a moment where she just like saying like, she hates her body. And like, it was actually a really, I thought it was actually a really thoughtful scene, you know, really kind of illustrated some of the
Like, I feel like sometimes, like, pregnancy and fertility just gets thrown around on Bravo so much. Like, it's just another, like, bullet point in an episode. But I actually really like this scene. It was so Kristen. It was like, you know, like, I have this thing, and it was telling me, like, I'm, like, ovulating. So I was like, I fucked you. But then, like, I just opened it again and it said my window closed. Like, what the fuck?
That's just so crisp. I'm like, am I ovulating or not? It's like, okay, okay, you're ovulating. Just kidding, you're not ovulating. Okay, you're ovulating. No, no, not ovulating now. It's like, Jesus Christ, Ab, what the hell? Seriously, seriously. So basically, yeah, so the guys, the bros are sitting out there by the cliffside and, and,
Jesse's clearly drunk, but he's like, the more drunk he gets, he just, he doesn't become sloppy seeming. He just becomes more evil. That's, that's his life. And he just, he's going to kill somebody. I'm telling you, he's like American psycho.
So then Zach pulls Brittany aside and she's like, wait a minute. Why are you crying, Zach? I thought you had a good conversation with Janie. And he's like, but like, Brittany, she said that you went to lunch with her like the day after that stuff happened. Like, what the fuck, Brittany? And she goes, well, it was that bad. It was that bad, Zach. It's a television show. I'm a single mother now. I gotta pay my rent.
Then why did you try to- why did you- why the fuck did you tell her? She's like, "I mean, I mean, maybe I shouldn't have, but at the same time, if she said things to you that- things about you, I would have told you." It's like, "No, I don't think you would have." "Yeah, probably right. 'Cause you talked a lot of shit about you and I haven't told you."
So it looks like they're about to have a big fight, but she does the right thing, which is that she just basically like she just hugs him a lot and like lets him motorboat her boobs. And they seem to be totally fine. Yeah. Brittany is not the girl you go to expecting any kind of trust. That girl is going to turn around and say everything that you've ever said and try and get you in trouble the next day. She would do it to everybody. I have to say, at least she's even in that, you know.
Yeah. So, the sun's going down and everything, and Willa has come back, and now it's time for the ceremony. So, Luke tells everyone it's time for the ceremony.
And it's going to be funny. They're putting out mats and everything. And Willa's like, hello, everyone. I'm Willa. I'm a ceremonialist, which is something I've just invented. I'm an embodiment guide. The fuck is that? And I'm a sacred photographer. Did you just make up your entire LinkedIn? Is there one word of truth on it? What the fuck is a sacred photographer?
Get the fuck out of here with that. An embodiment guide? No. And ceremonialist? No. You're someone who has ceremony? No, Willa. No. I'm also a consultant at McKinsey and Partners. Won'ta says no. Won'ta says no. Get the fuck out of here with that.
Embodiment guide. I'm going to guide you through some embodiment touches. Guys, I might have a beetle here. I have a beetle here that would like to embody you. So I'm just going to lead it along if you don't mind. Guys, I'm taking soul photographs, very sacred photographs. Okay. Jesse, yours came out blank. Michelle, yours is pretty faded. Anybody else want to try? Is this camera working? Is this thing on?
So Brittany's like, I'm not good at this because I kind of like laugh nervously. So don't mind me. She goes, I just don't know. But I don't know anything about crystals and sage, except they're nice to put onto your dress. But like, maybe if we just like rolled up in the big fat joint, like pass all around, we would be giggling and getting along and just be like a real chill, real chill, man. Yeah, I'm going to pray to crystals and stuff like that. I pray to chicken wings. That's it. You got any of those? I'll pray. Oh, yeah.
So then they have to go around and say stuff. And Jasmine's like, this is stupid. I don't do this shit. Poor Jasmine. She just keeps getting roped into stupid things like this and casseroles, etc.,
So they have to go around and say what they're releasing and what they're accepting. So Brett's like, I'll go first. Okay, well, I'm releasing hatred, resentment. The ranch dressing that's been in my refrigerator for six months because I haven't been living there. And I am accepting happiness and getting back my sparkle. And also a new jar of ranch, if anybody got it. Okay.
And Janet's saying that she just hopes that while Jax is in rehab, that she can, that Brittany can focus on herself. So Michelle's up and she goes, um, I have a lot of releasing to do, stress and anxiety, accepting a new life with happiness and love in your eye brainer. And they keep she cutting to Jesse and he's doing that thing where he's like clenching his jaw and like he's not blinking. So that way his eyes can tear up and he's like, um.
He's like, "Do I want to get up there and throw flowers on the ground and say I want to release any animosity towards Michelle?" Then he's like, "I'm gonna pass." "But you're crying, Jesse! Look at you, you're just crying! Just go up there, Jesse, you're crying!" And he's like, "No, I'm crying for the effect. Everyone watch these black eyes drop tears and know who the evil one is. It's her! The evil woman!"
So he's so fucking immature. My God, the men on this show. So then Jason gets like, do the mandala. Listen, we got, we got Willa, the ceremonialist, secret photographer and embodiment guide here. You better do her mandala. Okay. Otherwise I'm going to turn this, this, this cat trip right around. We're going right back to LA.
Yeah. I was like, come on, man. Like you got to sit there and fake cry to try and get pity from everybody. No one's feeling it after yelling at the women earlier. Give me a fucking break. Like what planet is this guy on? So it's like, yeah, feeling things guys. So then Jason gets up and he's like, we're leaving dockers accepting dockers. So that worked out great.
and janet's like um release anxiety um get like new beginnings i love dave and busters and basically basic things chicken fingers anyone i'm crazy i'm just gonna pick up stassi's storyline from 2017 and see it through the finish line yeah she's really struggling hard with that nia's like um i'm gonna call in peace love and i'm gonna release
"Santa Clarita, may I never have to go there?" And then Danny's like, "I'm releasing 'Pride' and accepting a new role as a zombie in a video game for the Switch." Okay. And then Jasmine's like, "I am releasing 'Any Hope' that I'll have any sort of important storyline on this show, and I'm accepting a paycheck. Thank you."
And then they just cut to Melissa and like blacks out her face or like puts a black square over her face. Like she's not even here. Don't let her talk. Don't let her even speak, everybody. Okay. So we go to Luke and Luke's like, yeah, it's like, you know, I've been missing in California. I've been missing family. But you guys, you're like family, right? And they're like, ew.
Ginger. Ginger. Gross. Stupid. Get out of here, Van Gogh. He starts crying because they're his family. And Janet's like, well, I knew you were my family when you won me 3,000 tickets at Dave and Buster's. Well, they cut to Willa and she's like, I don't understand what this Dave and Buster's is, but it sounds like it's two people that need embodiment coaching. So.
So they're like, I guess I'll be cheering on capitalism today. Hope they tip well. Well, it's like, I am a ceremonialist. I am a sacred photographer. And what people don't know is I kill it with skeeball. So I hear you, sister. So then thank God Jason is here to stick up for a shit fucking piece of crap. Abusive man.
So Jason's like, yeah, but guys, there was a person missing tonight. Let's just shout it out for Jack's guys. Cause God, he's a co-parent and, uh, he's doing great at that. Kicking his, uh,
autistic son out of the house so he could live there to screw whoever he wants while his mom lives in an Airbnb and does all the child rearing. God, what a good guy he is. So let's just hope Jax is doing okay tonight. And Brittany's like, girl, I'm just like, I'm glad he said something because I was going to bow. I was going to bow. I was going to bow and cry.
And then the music sort of becomes uplifting, but also emotional. And we go to Los Angeles. And then all of a sudden, we're watching a video from Jax. And he's like, hey, everybody. You know, the first couple of days here, I was very standoffish. I just felt out of my element. And I didn't want to be here. And I didn't like the people here. And I don't want to hear anybody. There's no one to fuck. I mean, just kidding. I could fuck everyone. It doesn't matter. The whole is a whole. Am I right? But getting emotional every day, to be honest, I'm finally finding...
some emotions that I didn't know I had. I mean, I hate the fact that I'm here and she's out there and I know she's going on trips, but sometimes I just feel like sometimes I feel a little alone. I'm like, oh God, he's doing this whole thing. Like he's so happy and he's like, I'm not a happy, but he's like,
"Oh guys, this is just raw Jax. We know you are angry and rageful and this is all a front because we've heard the texts." Yeah, he's like, "Hey guys, I've learned new emotions and one of them is that Brittany is neglecting me." That's an emotion, right? So Brittany's neglectful, basically threw me in a hospital, ran away. I mean, what am I doing in here alone? We're married. It's supposed to be sickness and health and she's out there partying? I'm sick right now.
You're not. You fucking broke your wedding vows, sir. You are no longer. You are currently getting divorced. You don't get to, like, cry about religious fucking ceremonies that you partook in. Okay. Yeah. He's like, there's demons inside me, guys. There's demons. And Brittany's out partying.
I need help. I'm neglected. Yeah, you're neglected because you earned that neglect. You've earned it in so many different ways. So you have to sit with that neglect right now. And also just like, like when they do you really check in on Brittany? Did you check in on Brittany after all the times you heard her? I don't think so.
So he's so gross. And of course we get the violin music because it's Bravo. Stop trying to sell me fucking jacks. Just stop. So now we go back to the ceremony and Danny's like, well, guys, I got to go. I booked a voiceover gig. Spoiler alert. All right.
All right. That's enough of that. All right. And that's a free one. That's free for all y'all. Okay. But I'm going to leave whether or not the voiceover gig is real. I do not want to be confronted about grabbing women's asses and getting perverted and sexual assaulty when I'm drunk. So I'm going to go ahead and leave.
So, Neil walks him out. And then Luke has a balloon that says gratitude on it. And he's like, okay, I want everyone to say something that you're grateful for. Here's the balloon. Or it's like a ball, actually.
And so first, Brittany's like, well, I'm thankful for my son. And he's just like the light of my life. And I miss him so much right now. And I'm just super grateful for that and everybody. Also, I want to say I'm grateful for Meemaw's beer cheese. That was really nice, too. Okay, here, Jesse, this ball's for you. So she throws the ball to Jesse. And he's like, um...
I'm in the middle of a very toxic situation right now. And the fact that Isabella is thriving is amazing. So I'm grateful for that.
yeah Michelle now it's time for your now you have to talk and be emotional too good luck so he sends the ball to her and she's like it is very difficult to have any feelings for somebody who has hurt you so bad I see your true colors shining through I see your true colors and that is why I hate you
And Jesse goes, and Zach, don't roll your eyes with Michelle the way you did with me. And Zach goes, I didn't roll my eyes at her. I rolled my eyes at you. And he's like, I'm going to go over there and fucking bury that guy. I'm going to bury him off the cliff. Not that that makes much sense. It doesn't make any sense. I'll still do it. Throw him. I'm going to throw him. And then when he lands, he will have landed with such impact. He will have self-buried himself, which I will take the credit for.
So Michelle's like, "Well, let me think for a moment because it is hard to think. Let me access. Hold on. Still searching. Spinny wheel. It's been a long time since I had good memories." And then we see all these flat— We get this weird montage of, like, photos and a life long ago of Jesse and Michelle in their happier years, which never looked that happy, if you ask me. No, and then we get a montage of their horrible years and him just, like, being an asshole.
And then she says, you know, but a great moment was when we were deciding to have a child together. And she's crying and he's crying and Jasmine's crying and Janet's crying. We see a black box of a face sitting over a body. So Melissa's presumably crying. Who knows? They won't show her yet. I don't know if she didn't sign a release or what. And then Jesse gets up and storms off.
And Zach's like, see, Jasmine, see what I mean? And then basically Jesse's like, all good things come to an end, right? But it was good at one point. We traveled the world. We worked together. There was a lot there. There was a lot, guys. Single tear. Single tear coming down. Black eyes.
So then Jason goes after him to see if he's okay. And Jesse, at this point, has now transitioned into wearing nothing but that sort of like light gray underwear. It's like stone, stone underwear. And he's like, "I'm gonna drive home right now. So go the fuck downstairs, please, please." He's like, "Yeah, well, it's a tough situation. I can't imagine how hard this is to be... It's hard to be doing this with your ex. I mean, the only one I feel worse for is Jax. God, what a hero he is." And Jesse's like, "Okay, you know what? I am done.
Fuck this shit. Get the fuck out. He's like yelling. He's yelling at Jason to get out of his room. What was that about? It was weird.
Why is he upset right now? He has coke rage. I mean, I don't know. I guess we're not allowed to say it until it comes out on the show. But that guy's like clearly coked out of his mind, too. His eyes are black. Okay. They are dimes. And he's like, he's got like clear coke rage or allegedly that is only me alleging. I have no facts. But he seems like he's coked out of his mind and drunk as fuck and miserable. He's a miserable human being. So, yeah.
things aren't going his way he didn't get all the pity that he wanted and good for Zach for sitting there rolling his eyes at Jesse thank you yeah good for speaking for the audience because this is a bunch of and I hate when the whole cast rallies around people like they've done to Jack's for 15 years now acting like oh what this just him poor Jack so am I right guys yeah and honestly Zach gets it from all sides on this show and I feel really bad for him and
I think that he's doing a great job just staying afloat with this group of people.
Yeah, I don't know that I feel bad for him. I mean, Zach gives as good as he gets. Like, I don't think Zach is like some innocent little thing, but it's nice to have Zach there to stand up to people like Jesse who no one will say anything to, you know? I just feel like Zach, I feel like I see a dynamic play out with Zach and the guys that is very high school. Like, to me, it really is like the straight guys, like,
going after like the the gay guy he's quote unquote weaker like i think we you mentioned it just before with jason we saw with jesse jesse saying those things he's not gonna say those things the other bros there's just something about it and i feel like sometimes like the the girls kind of beat up on him too a little bit every now and then like he's jack zach is no angel but i just feel like i see him on the show and i see someone who has to like relive his high school existence in some ways so you know i've sometimes i feel bad for him having to deal with all that
You know who also feels bad? Stick Benji! Benji feels really bad, you guys! When does Benji get to go? When's his turn? Benji regrets ever leaving me, and Benji welcomes me back with my Nespresso pause back into his life. So, yay, Benji!
All right, everybody, that brings us to the end of the Val. We will see you Friday night here in Austin to recap Summer House, and then we'll see you in Dallas the next night to recap Vanderpump Rules. And we'll see you next week in Las Vegas if you want tickets for any of those or Los Angeles and Seattle coming up in June. Go over to WatchWhatCrapHands.com. Join us Friday for a trailer trash.
video on demand, crappins on demand for the Real Housewives of Miami trailer. We'll talk to you next time. Bye.
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