#2834 Summer House 0913 Part One: Soft Headed Live in Austin
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Factormeals.com slash listen 50 code listen 50 Well, hello you gorgeous little cowgirls and husbands of cowgirls you are good husbands and

Happy Mother's Day weekend, suckas. Happy Mother's Day. My mama's here. Yeah. Hi, Rhonda. If she's already read someone for filth, we're sorry. It's an honor. She does it the best. Happy Mother's Day, mommy. I love you. I love you, Rhonda. It's so great doing a home show and having so many friends and family here. I had two friends come from L.A., Mike and Mike. Michael and Mike.

They're so cute and they're like, "You know, are we okay? It's like gays in Texas." I was like, "Please, it's Austin. It's so liberal." So, you know, I live out in-- which is not really Austin, Austin, but-- So we're driving out to the Burbs and I'm just telling, "Oh, it's so liberal. You know, my neighbors are gay. There's some lesbians down the street. There's an old gay constable with a Filipino twink lover who's out there fire twirling all the time." And we pass the Hill Country Galleria.

And there's a sign. Yeah, I boo that place too because I'm not shopping outside. And fuck you too, domain. This is Austin. The weather is Iraq. It's Iraqi weather. They're like, have fun shopping outside. So anyway, we're passing the hill country. I'm like, what the hell? It's like Desert Storm trying to go to a Banana Republic. So we pass this political sign and it says, no balls in girl sports.

And of course. I know, balls and girls sports, right? So we're passing by and they immediately put it on Instagram. Like, you know you're in Texas. I said, look, at least the sign is ripped. It's ripped in half and spray painted over in bright pink. And I said, and if you keep driving around the traffic circle in the Hill Country Galleria, there's like a hundred political signs. And one of them really stands out because it says, vote hard cock. So you can't complain too much. We give you something here, boys. Yes.

It's very exciting for me because I don't live here, so I always love coming in to visit Austin. This is, I don't know, I feel like this is my 10th time here. It's so fun.

I especially love the airplane ride to Austin because you can always tell, you know, you can always tell the people who are going to LA, but you can always tell the people who are going to Austin, who are from Austin. People in LA have sweaters. They're like, I'm just so cold. I'm almost in LA. People in Austin are like, I'm so fucking hot. There was a guy sitting across the aisle from me who he got on, he was wearing a t-shirt and the t-shirt had like a sewn in vest to it. It was like the t-shirt had a vest and

It was like he had taken a t-shirt vest but attached sleeves to it to make it a t-shirt. So already I was like, this guy's from Austin. And he had a handlebar mustache. And he had a toddler. And you know, I historically have been very anti-toddler, especially on airplanes. But I swear, this is the first time I actively rooted for the toddler. And that toddler, that toddler did amazing work.

Like this toddler, well first, the best part was first the toddler took the guy's headphones and threw them into the aisle. And did this like two or three times, but he would never notice and people kept on being like, "Your headphones so fine." The third time, the toddler threw it into the aisle and then a guy came walking down the aisle and it attached to his shoe and he dragged it all the way to the back of the plane. I was like, "Yes!" And then he sat there looking for his headphones.

And then finally the guy behind him was like, yeah, they attached to someone's shoe and they went back there. And the guy goes, fuck! And honestly, the best part about it all was that over the course of this hellish flight for him, his handlebar mustache slowly deflated.

And by the end, it was just a mustache. A crown. And I was like, oh, I've dreamed of the day when someone's handlebar mustache deflates on them, and now I've seen it. You've seen the untwirling. It was a great flight. Someone also fainted, and then she was embarrassed, and then she was sobbing. For me, it's perfect. Yeah.

I was like, ah, stories. Love you, Austin. Love you, Austin. So good. Explaining the neighborhoods. Okay, there's a lot of meth heads here. If they talk to you, just smile and keep walking. We're about to go to the east side. That's why there's a Chrysler up on, you know, 15-inch wheels. We did see that. This is true. We did see that. And then his back window was the state of Texas bleeding. Yeah. Bumped.

It looked like a car on a bunk bed. I was like, why are your rims so tall? And that's the east side. The Hill Country Galleria side, Bee Cave side is vote hard cock. That's just how we roll here. I'm very excited for our Texas extravaganza this weekend. I made this shirt for Texas. My horse shirt. I was going to debut it tonight, but I'm not going to lie. I did wear it to Cowboy Carter on Wednesday. You know, Beyonce. Beyonce.

Playing second fiddle to fucking Beyonce. I can't help it. What else is new? I can't help it. Beyonce, you know, she always gets to... This is very handsome, very homo-made. By the way, and let's look at Ronnie's beautiful blue number he's got on here. Come on, you're in Texas. You got to do something. It's like, listen, when you have...

When you start with a t-shirt with a vest that's embedded in it, you can only go up from there. How was Beyonce Cowboy Carter? Was it everything? Was it everything? I got it! It was almost as good as tonight's show is going to be right here. Yeah, okay. All right, let's get into it. For those of you who don't know, tonight we're covering Summerhausen! Summerhausen!

My mom said, what the hell is that? Is it the ladies screaming at each other? I said, no, it's the youngest people trying to pretend that they get boners for each other. She's like, all right. By the way, this is a big week of news. I mean, we have a new pope. Lexi and Jesse got back together. I know how it works. Yeah. And Roni was canceled. So, I mean, really, so much is happening.

You should have opened up. The Pope is the last of that news. Why the Pope? It's an American Pope. I'm Jewish, so the roni matters more to me. I was reading the Pope news, and people are like, but I found out that he stood up for child molesters. I was like, are you new here? Has Reddit just heard of Popes? It's not a new story, people. I honestly, I know we have to start the show, but I'm like, I've got so much Texas energy. It lasts 10 hours anyway. Yay!

Listen, if you're next to someone who's complaining that this is too long, just remind them, this could have been standing room. This is Zemo's. The idea of an American pope is so funny to me. Because when popes are from foreign countries, they're sort of an abstract concept. But to find out that the pope is from Chicago...

And I was making a joke to my friend. I was like, I mean, what if the Pope has a brother? And then sure enough, there was an article today that was like, the Pope's brother is really excited. And I was like, how do you just walk around Chicago and be like, oh yeah, that's my brother. He's the Pope. Yeah, he's the Pope. Let me tell you what he likes. Cheese cooked on top, or sauce cooked on top of cheese on a pizza. That's the wrong city, I think. You know that these housewives are going to be trying to name drop. Like Lisa Barlow's going to be like, yeah, I knew the Pope once. Yeah.

He used to come to Sundance, yeah. I had to call all six of my lawyers on his ass. I said, if you're going to go to the Vatican, go all the way. I think they set us up to be happy with whoever the Pope was because for the whole week they've been showing pictures of Trump as the Pope, you know?

They could have voted for Little Debbie. I would have been like, that's it! It's the Pope! Nailed it! We're all suddenly cheering the Pope. We're like, thank God! Literally, thank you. I think my favorite part of the conclave was watching Mary Cosby trying to look inside it. Someone's called her Mary Conclave. All right. It's time for art. It's time for art, you guys. Previously on Summer House...

Hey, uh... I'm Sierra. I met a... I met a cute girl, Sierra. Good for you, Carl. I had sex. Great, Carl. Well, I mean, I kinda had sex. Like, I couldn't really perform, so I kind of stayed soft. It's kind of my thing. Okay. By the way, I love you.

I've always loved you. You're gorgeous. And do you ever look at me and think like, wow, that's Carl. Rawr. Rawr? Rawr. Like, rawr. Like, he's sexy. Now.

I've got unleaded gas for you. Okay, Carl. Oh yeah, you can leave me, but I'm gonna enjoy you walking away. But you see what I did there? Why are you walking backwards? Wait, Sierra, come back. Amanda! The doctor said my nuts are producing like 30 gallons of sperm a day. What if I'm sterile? That would be amazing, Kyle.

I've been having nightmares I give birth to a mullet-wearing turntable. But I'm the one who doesn't want to have kids with you. I just bought glasses for the first time, so I'm thinking a little more deeply, and I'm just, like, not sure about this. Fuck. I want to impregnate you now. Jesse! Oh my god, Amanda. I mean, Lexi. It's written down. I put on a

over my eyes by accident. Lexi, Jesse told us you were a needy stalker. Jesse, you told the girls I'm a stalker? Who said that? You know, I usually date people who are like way more rich and more famous than you, right? Not richer or famous than future me. I've got a new single coming out. It's going to be dropping on the gram this week. Check it.

Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel, you're made out of clay. What's a dreidel? Hanson. So this whole week, Lexi has been on a press tour over her five-minute relationship with Jesse. Girl, I like you, Lexi. Please stop.

I can't even turn on the news. I tried to watch the Pope news. Lexi popped up. She's like, did you know Ciara went out with Jesse on my birthday? And then her sister and her mom showed up behind the Pope. And I was like, really? The Pope's robe raises and the mom and the sister come out like contouring their fucking faces. We knew a Pope was chosen when our lip liner gave out white smoke.

They're everywhere. They keep showing like, they're just like, oh my God. Okay. So they were, they were on watch what happens live. And I was like, Holy wood people, because those two, listen, we all have tick tock. We've all seen contouring videos enough. Stop. You all look fucking crazy.

With your brown markers that are as big as a thumb going like, and then you get 10 pounds of white makeup to do that. You look like a box. Just stop it. It's like they've got tarmacs going up their cheeks.

The sister's nose literally looks like an Apple pencil just sticking out. Like, why are you doing that to yourself? I'm like, it recharges in five seconds. That's amazing. Okay, so we open up at the summer house. They seem like very nice girls. They do. I was about to say, I'm actually really liking Lexi lately. I don't know why. Even though she does get back with Jesse. I don't know.

I don't know. I've never had like a turn of. I don't hate Lexi. You know what? But I don't hate trains either. Just shut up. Just be quiet. I don't hate a duck, but I don't want to hear you all day. Do it in the water. Go over there. I would be okay with a duck. Nick Viles, like the Nick Vile pod. He's like, hey, welcome to Nick Viles, the pod. So you're like really mad at Jesse now? It's like, yeah, like you really hear my feelings.

'cause I knew him this time. - I could have watched Les Mis. Like Jesus Christ, it's 10 hours of Lexi enough. Fuck, you dated, this interview was longer than you dated the guy.

We're like, God, that long-ass interview. Anyway, we're in negative two seconds of the episode. Let me tell you more about the Hill Country Galleria. Hope, am I right? So, yeah, I have not consumed any of the Lexi content, but I just have seen her sister and her mom literally on every single piece of content I could even imagine. Like, I called up my mom, and they were there. I was like, how did you get to Katona? Yeah.

Okay, so we open this episode with Paige and Lindsay. They're the first people to arrive to the summer house, and they're still pretending that they like each other, and it's so clear that they really don't. I'm sorry. I don't care what anybody says. Everyone on the line is like, oh, my God, girl power. It's so nice to see these girls getting along. Paige is literally looking at Lindsay like this.

It's like so nice being first with you. Yeah. If you don't mind, Lindsay, I'm just going to go upstairs and wash the smell of Werther's Originals out of my hair. Does anyone else have the theme song to Driving Miss Daisy in their head, or is that just me? I've never driven over here with anybody who can just pee in their pants and it doesn't matter because they're wearing special underwear. This has been...

So now they actually have to do the deed of making small talk. And so Paige is like, hmm, I love coming in on Fridays. It's so clean. And then we really shit it up. And by us shitting it up, it's really Kyle bringing in 10,000 cases of Loverboy and leaving it everywhere. But, you know, that's fun, too. Okay, well, I checked in with Lexi, and she was like, I'm really bummed out because, like, she's having this thing with Jessie. And I'm like, oh, my God, girl, tell me everything.

Yeah, I heard that they're like not even talking to each other anymore. So I can't even imagine slash I'm so excited to see how awkward it's going to be. Paige is ready for the most awkward weekend. So she can be like everyone to the bed right away. Oh my God, wasn't that amazing downstairs? So they're like, oh my God, are they going to stay together? Oh my God, I cannot wait to know. I mean, is it going to work out with Jenny and Lexi? She's sitting there like eight months pregnant, 50 if she's a day.

This girl, trust me, this girl does not care about Jesse and Lexi. She does not care. She's like, oh my God, the girl called me. Oh my God, you should have heard my voicemail. It was five hours long.

My answering machine ran out of tape. You use an actual answering machine? Jesus Christ. I have a question machine. So then, Jesse, it goes like this. Hi, you've reached Paige. Like, what's wrong with you?

So Paige is so excited for an awkward weekend. She's going to be like gossiping all weekend. She just knows this will be perfect. And then the door opens and in walk Jesse and Lexi together. And Paige and Lindsay look at each other like, oh my God. Gross.

Because this is that couple that you know we all have been friends. We've probably been that couple. We've been the people. I've been the person in this couple, okay? Where I'm like, that motherfucker. I dumped his ass. I'm sick of his shit. And let me tell you what else I told him. He talked to me at dinner and I said, you go fuck yourself. And then the entire restaurant applauded me, you know? But then the next time you see me, I'm like, oh my God.

We just drove together. He's such a bad driver, you guys. Lindsay has this big smile on her face, like a scary Lindsay smile, which is most Lindsay smiles, but this is a particularly scary one. And she's like, oh, well, we have so much to catch up on. Oh my God, yeah, I would love to know what the 1960s were like. Please tell me.

Did he pee in his pants and it didn't even leak on the seat? Lindsay did. Paige is like, um, so did you guys drive together here? How was the drive? Did you remember that you wasted two hours of my time on the phone talking about how you guys were going to break up and now you're in it together? Okay, just wanted to know if you remember that. Yeah, they're both looking at her like, are you serious? Aren't you breaking up with Jesse? And so she's like, oh.

Everything was great. What are you guys talking about? Okay, we've had so many conversations. It's been so good, you guys. Because I've been like, what do you feel? And then he'll tell me. And then I'm like, but here's how I feel. And it's been amazing, you guys. You're probably exhausted. Just kidding. I'm exhausted by...

And so she's saying, Lexi's saying like, yeah, we spoke for like hours and hours. And Lindsay just looks at Paige and goes, oh, hours and hours. No one dared to give me a fucking phone call about this. I'll be seen. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappin's commercial.

Everyone has that friend who seems kind of perfect. For Patty, that friend was Desiree. Until one day... I texted her and she was not getting the text. So I went to Instagram, she has no Instagram anymore. And Facebook, no Facebook anymore. Desiree was gone. And there was one person who knew the answer. I am a spiritual person, a magical person.

A gorgeous Brazilian influencer called Cat Torres, but who was hiding a secret.

From Wondery, based on my smash hit podcast from Brazil, comes a new series, Don't Cross Cat, about a search that led me to a mystery in a Texas suburb. I'm calling to check on the two missing Brazilian girls. Maybe get some undercover crew there. The family are freaking out. They are lost. I'm Chico Felitti. You can listen to Don't Cross Cat on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.

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At 24, I lost my narrative, or rather it was stolen from me. And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. I

I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours. Something you possess is lost or stolen, and ultimately you triumph in finding it again. So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks, both recognizable and unrecognizable names, about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph.

My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank up. They connected with the people that I'm talking to and leave with maybe some nuggets that help them feel a little more hopeful. Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.

So then we cut to Boy's Car. It's Boy's Car. Hey. Boy's Car. Cards are for the boys. Hey. Cards are for the boys. Hey, get in the car, beast. West beast. Ha. Hello, fellow young person. Here we are, driving in a car. Yeah. Hold on one second. There's a red light about half a mile up ahead, and I like to slowly decelerate because I like to arrive there softly. I've gotten a ticket for that, actually. Soft stopping, they call it. Ha ha ha.

They say you can't get a ticket. There's a good guy clause for traffic, but whatever. So how you doing, West Beast? How's it going? He's like, well, I went out last night. Oh, you went out, Beast? That's pretty cool, Beast. Yeah, well, I was trying to go out with Jesse, but then Lexi came, so that was like... Oh, wow.

Lexi was there. Oh, that's pretty cool. Lexi Beast was there. I'm getting the hang of the Beast thing, right? Like, that's when you say Beast, right? But then, like, Lexi was there with her family, too. Oh. Does that mean I can bring Sharon to the club? Sharon Beast. Oh.

Get your good bra on and get downtown. We're going to Hard Rock Cafe. And he's like, wait. I'm sorry. I would never go there. I'd go to the Soft Rock Cafe. Come on. Keep it soft. What was I thinking?

So wait, so were they just going out as friends? Or like, was the family like there to date Jesse? Or were they like all just going out as friends? Like what was going on? And he's like, yeah, dude, it was like so awkward because like he was like grinding up on her ass in front of her mom. And then her mom was grinding up on Jesse's ass in front of Lexi. Then Tiffany was grinding up on the mom's ass. It was like... And the dad was just doing something weird up on the wall.

Not gonna lie. I made a move on the dad. I don't know what happens. Just thought I needed someone So then we get a phone clip, you know Like a self clip or whatever of them out at the bar and I feel like their whole relationship is on someone's camera roll It's on it's on Lexi's camera roll because everything in their relationship is this It's like the dick is touching the butt but the eyes are always in the camera Yeah

By the way, just again, so wonderful to have Ronnie's mom here. Let's take a pause to remind you guys I was conceived in the repinning racks at a bowling alley. Okay? Before we get too morally uptight in here. Some people play their children classical music in the womb. Here's what I heard. Fuh.

Alright, back to present.

So, yeah. So Carl and Wes are basically just talking that Lexi and Jesse are back together. And Wes is just like, this is crazy. They only just met each other five minutes ago. So then we go over to Amanda. God, it's not even enough time to do a New York Times article interview about somebody. Shut up, Wes. So over in the Amanda and Kyle and Sierra car, Amanda's like, so I went to Gabby's this week. And everyone's like, who? Gabby? Gabby?

She's on our show. I went to Gabby's this week. I would show you guys footage, but it's all been cut. This would probably be a good time to mention the other controversy that surfaced. Yeah, some of you already know about this. Emeril. Emeril turned into one of his friends. He was the arrow this week. He was the arrow. He was there. He was there.

He apparently was there. Emeril was there the whole week and shooting these scenes. They're posting behind the shop. What the fuck am I talking about? Behind the scenes, BTS photos. There we go. Young people are young people. And Emeril was there the whole time and they cut his ass.

out. They cut him out. So it looks like the writing's on the wall. Well, because the thing is they're saying that Emeril, the rumors that Emeril left the reunion early. So maybe he's on the bad side of Bravo. Why didn't he leave early? He probably was fucking somebody. There was someone to fuck. If I was getting it like Emeril, I'd leave right now. I'd be like, you know how to do this. They're like, we'll just put an arrow where Emeril was. Wouldn't be the first time you felt alone up here. I'm out.

So Amanda's saying that she went to Gabby's and she's like, well, you know, obviously since I'm the one who told Lexi everything, I thought she might need the girls to rally around her. Translation, I came in and like, tarpooned, or tarpooned, is that even a word? No. Harpoon is a word? Harpoon is, tarpoon is not. It's what you do to whales to get shoes. Either way, she came in, aw.

And I just like she like just destroys the relationship. And then she's like, oh, I think we should all rally around you. Yeah. Who caused all this in the first place? It's like, I feel so bad that someone started shitting their relationship. Yellow flag. Yellow flag. But I think she's going to give him another chance. And Sierra's like, what? Did you guys see Sierra on Watch What Happens Live when she was on there?

Was that girl fucked up? What was wrong with her? She was, right? I don't know. Look, I'm not accusing anybody. If she was fucked up, I wanted me to in the dressing room. But this was Sierra the whole time. Her eyes are like squinted shut. She's like, fuck all of this. I don't know if she Botox her whole head because I've done that where you can't move anything but your eye. Like just shut like that. And you're like, people are like, are you mad? No. What do you mean am I mad? I got Groupon Botox. I'm not mad.

I saved money this week. So we go to a flashback to Gabby's moment with Lexi, and Lexi's talking about this whole situation. She's like, well, obviously I care for him, but obviously I don't want our whole summer to go to waste. We put a lot of time into our storyline. We just want to see it through for the trailer. Yeah. And then Amanda's like, literally, I sat there and I was like, look, I'm all for giving chances. I mean, you've met Kyle, right? Yeah.

So I'm not going to say you can't give him a second chance or a third chance or marry him in your parents' backyard after he cheated on you or dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. And Kyle's like, yeah, I mean, look, shut up, Amanda. All right, look, I've got limited intricacy, limited knowledge of their intricacies in their relationship. When did Kyle start talking like this? What's happened to Kyle? He's like, but, you know, that's how it got portrayed to the guys. And I'm team woman. I'm Kyle. Yeah.

What does Amanda have on this man? This is not Kyle. I like it, but it's not Kyle. I don't believe it. He has too much sperm in him, and it's making him smarter. It's weird. Can't stop sperming. Can't stop. I've got so much. Have you ever heard somebody say, I am producing so much sperm, I might be sterile? What does that mean?

That means you've got more chances. It's like those greedy fucks at the gas station just buying reams of fucking lottery tickets. You know, you got more chances. I haven't heard that, but I have definitely heard of, I might get into a car crash, so I'm putting my sperm into a bank for posterity. Happy Girlfriend's Day, I froze my sperm. Wow, that's amazing. You froze my vagina as well by telling me that.

So they get to the summer house. And honestly, this to me is right up there with News of the Pope. They fix the door. And they could not be more shocked. They open the door. They're like, wait. And they open and close it three times. It opens and it closes. But it also goes to show you that you don't appreciate what you have. None of us really do.

I mean, how many people walked into that house, they didn't even notice the door? Like, how much drama have you been through with that door? And they're like, oh, the door opened. Who cares? It took until Amanda arrived to be like, oh my God, we should be grateful for stuff.

Amanda's an angel. Okay, so then we're talking about these stupid couples still. So Amanda's like, oh, Lexi got upset about the thing and I think the jazzy just wants to put blame on someone so he's projecting on Lexi and now Lexi's really upset and now she's mad at Sierra. And so we see flashbacks to two weeks ago where Sierra's like, ha ha ha, ha ha, Sierra, stop touching my arm.

No touching. Oh. So they walk in and everyone is just like sitting on the sofas awkwardly and Kyle's like, oh, it's shaking. And Paige is like, nothing. We're just here talking to Lexi and Jesse because they walked in here like hugging and smiling and we didn't approve of that. So we're going to make them sit on this sofa until they explain how the hell they got back together again when we put in all that work to break them up last week.

The entire cast of Summer House cannot just be sitting in a circle on the couches when other cast members walk in. That is intervention time. I don't even know how they walked in. I would have walked in. I'm like, you're right. I'm a fucking liar. I did coke on the way here. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I'll accept it if you'll give it to me. Does anybody have any coke?

So Kyle has a phone call. He's gotta go call his doctor to find out about his sperm. He's like, "Yeah, I was looking at the internet and something was overworking and they're like, 'Have you gotten a fertility test?' And I was like, 'Oh, I haven't gotten a fertility test.'" And Patrice, for some reason, goes, "Classic." I don't know what she meant by that, but I'm assuming Kyle has something very uninteresting to say. Classic Kyle.

And he's like, "Yeah, you know, I'm gonna take a call with him. I could've done it on video or something, but I really wanted it to be more personal, so I just kept shooting right into the camera, so I'm gonna do it on the phone." Uh, candidly, I'm, like, really nervous going into this because there's always a chance that, like, I'm sterile, right? And, like, in the back of my mind, I'm like, "If I'm sterile, can I still sell Loverboy? Is that possible? Do I have to call it Sterile Boy? Like, what is it?"

And I'm thinking about Amanda potentially ruling out kids forever. I mean, like, there's a possibility that if I'm sterile, we will never have kids. Like, cut to Amanda bringing a microwave to his crotch. She's like, here, put your cell phone in your front pocket. But he's got such a weird take on it, too. He's like, I mean, what if I don't have sperm and Amanda still doesn't want to have kids with me? She doesn't want to have kids with you with your sperm, either. It's not your sperm. It's you.

So I like that scattered applause. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ding dong. The call is coming from inside of the house, Deuce. The sperm is coming from inside the house. So Paige is like, all right, everyone, I'm going to do this call. I'll be right back. Paige goes, yeah, we know you're going to be back. Where should I take this call? Should I take it in my bed? Okay, Kyle.

That's where I take my important calls. Why does he want to take the call where he left his last sperm? So Carl is like, just in case something happens while I'm on the call again. So Wes is like, yeah, the doctor's going to be like, I could have emailed you this. Hey, Lex, how's it going over there? She's like, unlike, it was like a week, huh?

good. He's like, oh. You know, I'm really rooting for you guys. It's hard being in this house with your... He's trying not to say Lindsay because she knows. What was that? What was that, girl? Lindsay's just sitting there rubbing her belly like, tell us when you're going to sing. We have a lot of history together. All I got to say is high five Lex Beast. High five Lex Beast.

I just wanted to remind you, I'm like the good guy of the house right now. I don't have any problem with any girls and I support women and I support you. And like whatever you're going through with Jesse, I know it must be hard and you need to make it soft. I'm here to help you with that. I'm here to help you with that. I've been getting soft for about a decade now. Like really getting to the nitty gritty of it because like last week things weren't good, but then we had like a conversation and then we like had another conversation and like he was talking about how he felt.

I was talking about how I felt. He's like, oh, I didn't mean to open this door. So that Amanda turns to Jesse. They're having this whole conversation in front of each other. And Amanda's like, Jesse, what was your takeaway from it? And Amanda's like, that's a great question. Here's another question. Would you ever force Lexi to have to raise bees? Have you ever wanted to suffocate your partner with the industry they're currently involved in?

So Jesse's like leaning on the couch like, "Oh, here's what I learned from the conversations I had with Lexi about that. I learned that my communication wasn't communicating right.

And Sierra just sees right through the bullshit. She goes, okay, so you're not two-faced, you're not a liar, and you're not two-faced. Is that the takeaway? I just, you know, I'm sorry that Sierra had to go through a very long, prolonged Austin experience, but it's made her so great. Yeah. And Jesse's like, wait, aye, aye, aye, calliente. What are you trying to say, Sierra? What is it?

I'm just trying to figure out what the takeaway is, because as far as I can tell, there's no takeaway happening with you right now. Yeah, I just, I could improve. I just could improve, Sierra. That's what I'm saying. I could improve. Sick. Sick. Sick. Yeah, great. So Jesse's like, yeah, Sierra's not someone you want to have dislike you. I mean, it's pretty brutal. I mean, now I know how Wes feels. Oh. Aw. Just kidding.

So Kyle has just had his phone call. So he pops his head into the room like, "I was waiting for sperm news, wait for the..." So Sierra's like, "Are your nuts good? Is your sperm good, Kyle?" He's like, "Alright." So he's like, "Alright, you need 20 million sperms." And guess what? They take into account a mobility quality song syncing. Like how quickly the song? BPM matching, as it's called in the industry.

So the minimum you want to see is 20 million and an ability to mix Stevie Nicks with Jesus Loves Me. And I've got 159 million sperm! 154. I just got really excited. Sierra sums it up perfectly by saying, bitch, you fertile as fuck. Yeah. And then the doctor said, you could get someone pregnant by sneezing on them. At which point, everyone runs out of the room.

You just hear Amanda's like, um, the shop just closed up. Sorry. Like, you know, like a lot of givens in our relationship. It was like, Amanda's going to be desperate for a baby. Amanda's dying for my fucking sperm. And now I've got all this sperm and Amanda doesn't fucking want it. It's like, I'm just realizing that when I'm ready, she might not be. And that is something I never saw coming. Paige is like, guys, I think Kyle's having an inner monologue. So let's go outside. Okay.

Do we have reservations for tonight? I don't know. I don't understand why she's not ready to be a mother. She sees me. Look what I'm doing. Look what I'm achieving. I was drunk like a sloth last week, and I've become a DJ at 45. Why do I feel like Kyle being ready before Amanda is is not an uncommon thing in their relationship?

Amanda's been ready. It's like she waited for the bus for hours and hours and hours. The bus didn't come. Finally, she just walked. She realized she can get to the store without you, bus.

So outside we have a very important conversation that really warmed my heart because I was like, oh, thank God we have a live show this week. So Carl's like, hey, Mr. Solomon. How you doing, bud? Solomon beast. Ha ha.

Oh, Jussie Beast? Do you like Jussie Beast or Solomon Beast? What about Jussie Solomon Beast? What about Jussie Beast Solomon Beast? Oh my god, it's a little hard. I'm just trying to figure it out right now. Alright boys, boys, conversations are for the boys. Alright, let's gather around. We need some menfolk over here. Bring a conversation on me. Alright, so guys, I'm about to sign a lease for Softbar. Cause I, awesome man. How many years?

13. 20. Maybe 20. Maybe 20. How long has Coca-Cola been around? One billion years, sir. I believe the contract said till the end of time. Seven years. Seven years. Let's be serious. Seven years, guys. Seven years. Guys are like, wait, talk to me like I don't know commercial real estate because actually I really don't. So worst case scenario, pie chart, percentages, bars going up and down. What is it?

Numbers. Well, yeah, there's a... Don't worry, guys. There's something called a good guy clause. It gets... When he said good guy clause, I felt like a little tiny pebble of poop just drop on the floor. No. I was like, what? No. That's a good guy clause. It's like Santa Claus, but for good guys. Good guys.

Hey guys, something soft's coming down the chimney. It's Carl. It's like if Santa Claus were dating someone named Lil who's into magic...

It's a good guy clause. Good guy clause. Leases don't matter if you're a good guy. If it doesn't work out, they're going to be like, Carl, you're a good guy. And I'll be like, thanks. You're a good guy too, good guy beast. If the landlord's like, hey, you owe $250,000, I'll be like, yeah, but I'm taking it slowly, just trying to figure things out. I'm a good guy.

It should be all right. Yeah, so, you know, it's called the good guy clause. So you could have someone take it over as long as they're a, wait for it, good guy. Right? No bad guys taking over leases. Or, you know, if it's like we live in a horrible world, which I couldn't imagine this happening in 2025. But, you know, if the world suddenly got terrible...

And we had to file for bankruptcy. You know, there's some flexibility. There's flexibility. Yeah. I mean, look, you know, I'm about to sign a, it's going to be $10,000 a month. So, you know, orange juice is very popular. The good thing about it, it's a warehouse. It's industrial. There's nothing in it. No running water. There's brick. There's dirt on the floor. Yeah. I said, does that goat come with it? They said, no, that goat has been living here. Yeah.

Put it to work. It's a warehouse, so you can come in, have like a mindful cocktail, and then you could like build a car or something. It's 23 foot ceilings. It's amazing. So it's got, guys, it's got a big garage door. That was one of his selling points. He has, guys, huge garage door. I have this vision where if you want to get into the bar, you open the garage door and you just, boom, walk right in. Good guys only, of course. Yeah.

The guy's like, "Alright, alright, alright. So in the financial sense, pie chart, pie chart. Does it require a lot of build out?

What part of fucking warehouse in the middle of nowhere did you not hear, sir? Yes, it requires a build out. It doesn't even have walls. Have you been to Williamsburg? Let me tell you what's in Williamsburg. A lot of cool, expensive shit. For Carl to get something $10,000 in Williamsburg, that is not in Williamsburg. I don't know where it is, but that is far and scary. $10,000 a month? That's actually cheap.

Yeah, that's scared for Carl. Hey, everyone. This is the end of part one of this recap for part two. Keep an eye on your podcast feed. It is coming up in just a moment. Thanks so much for listening. Catch you on the second half.

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