#2839 Below Deck Down Under S03E15 Part One: Scars and Stripes
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What happens when there's so much that happens?

Hello and welcome to Watch What Crap In's, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to watch. I'm Ben Mandelker and joining me today, as always, Mr. Ronnie Karam. Hi, Ronnie. How's it going? Well, hello, Benuni Toons. How are you doing today? Just grand. We're going to be talking some Below Deck Down Under, which is really becoming quite the pressure cooker of a season. Before we get into that, guess what?

In just like two days, we're going to be doing our very first ever Las Vegas show at Wise Guys. It's going to be so fun. It really will be excellent. I cannot wait for a little Vegas time. We've always wanted to do a Vegas show, and we're finally getting it done. And we're going to recap this week's summer house there. So it's going to be a blast. Come join us. I can only imagine what a show in Vegas is going to be like. So let's have a great time. Okay, let's have a great time in Vegas. It's going to be fabulous.

Tickets are at WatchWhatCrapHands.com. Also, we added two more shows and then the tour is officially done. And so we have Seattle and then we have Los Angeles and both are going to be in June. And so those will be fabulous shows as well. All the ticket links at WatchWhatCrapHands.com. Additionally,

patreon.com slash watch for crappins is where you can watch us, not just listen with crappins on demand. And then we also have our bonus episodes. In the past, we have recapped, we recapped traders. We recapped white Lotus in June. June 3rd is when it comes back. Love Island USA. We're getting right back into it like we did last summer. So that'll be great. And leading up to that, we have some fun bonus episodes coming up. We recorded a podcast,

from Austin to Dallas over the weekend. And we had a lot of fun just shooting the shit and bantering. So we're putting that all up there. And that's going to be on Crap It's On Demand as well. We'll have a video going into it. That's a three-week special trip. Road trip. First road trip on video. The longest drive. It's completely Siri action. I mean... Guest star Siri. We narrate a lot of Bucky's billboards. Ghost Padma is with us. It's really...

It's a fun time. Anyway, that's all the fun stuff. But today it's time to talk some below deck. And I, I, uh, I don't know. What are you thinking, Ronnie? I'm fine. This show is getting very stressful for me. It's so, there's so much stretching. Yeah. I'm very stressed. Um, I'm not stressed with this, but I've been watching Andor and that shows got me stressed. I was just telling Ben before this started, I was like, I'm so worried about the moon of urine. I'm like, tonight's the season finale. So I've got to like watch it. Um,

I, you know, I'm not stressed because I'm loving watching Laura's shit not working anymore because I think Laura's shit worked for a good part of the season. And now everyone's like, just shut up. Like it's not working on anybody. And so it makes me happy. This is like my payoff. I feel like, you know.

Yeah. It's, it's funny watching her, um, really fall apart. I actually felt like she was really on top of shit through so much of the season, but she has, she's kind of spiraled and to the point where like Jason seems like he's kind of over her and she's like, I feel like he doesn't like me. I'm

I'm like, well, yeah, because when he sat down, when he sat you and Zarina down to fix the problem that you two have, you stormed off. So that's not very professional. And like half a million other things that have happened. So like, why are you shocked and surprised?

Oh, man. I mean, how can you be stressed out in an episode where Laura finally gets the fucking disco helmet? When she got that disco helmet, I was like, okay, breakdown incoming. She's going to be the only person in history to not take this well. Well, actually, that's not true. I'm sure somebody else is not taking it well. But for the most part, people have a pretty good attitude about it because they know that it's fun. But I was like, not her. Have fun with this. And I sure had fun with it. I loved it. I loved every second of it.

So let's get into it. We are Below Deck, Down Enter, Season 3, Episode 15. It's called Smoochies. Smoochies! So they're all at a crew dinner right now, and Zarina's crying because she feels like she's on the outside of a cool girl's clique, etc. What she doesn't realize is that over the course of this episode, I feel like the cool girl's clique is crumbling because I think that Alicia is...

is really not a fan of Lara anymore, so she's sort of gaining her allies. But at this point in the episode, Zarina just feels like the weird outsider and Harry's trying to console her. Yeah, and also, little tattletale Bree has gone to the bathroom with Lara and tattled about Alicia telling her...

all the stuff about Serena lying about Lara being late for work. So Lara's coming out ready to fight, but she comes out ready to fight and Serena's crying. And Harry's like, "Err!" You know, Harry's

working on her. So, Lara sees the crying and she's like, "I don't buy this. I don't buy those tears." And she's like, "Oh, Harry, I just don't want to drag you into this shit, do I?" And he's like, "But I'm here. I'm here. I'm Lee Boson. Cry on me." And she's like, "Well, it's like I also had to speak with Jason today. I didn't want to get into that. It's just been so rough." So, Serena's a mess over there. She really is. And Harry loves it because

He's this season's biggest tattler, which is probably why he and Brie got along so well. And he's just gathering gossip. Those two are going to be dangerous if they get married and have babies. Those are like the dangers of the neighborhood, the little tattletale couple. Yeah.

They're going to be like the head of the HOA and just go around tattletailing on everybody and leaving little notes, but doing it with a smile like, oh, we see you've got an unapproved lawn sign. That's not good. But, you know, we can always fix this. Just fix it by this date or you're in trouble. Don't forget.

So Zarina's like, I'm really fighting with myself over this. I want to make things right, but then I also don't want her to walk all over me because I don't think I'm in the wrong. So then Nate comes over and he gives Zarina a hug. And now they go off to the club.

And Marina is like, oh, look at you guys. You're all matching the same color of orange. And she's talking to Alicia and Nate because Alicia and Nate are kind of flirting and it looks like they have a love connection that's burgeoning. I feel like I'm at an Applebee's because I'm surrounded by a lot of uninteresting couples that I don't care about.

That's a fair way to put it. It's like Applebee's on Mother's Day. There are a lot of basic people that I don't care about saying loving things to each other. Can I just get my check? I know. Because everyone in this episode, at least the start of it, is making out with someone else, except for Lara, basically. But everyone is paired off and everyone's kissing. It's kind of like Love Island.

So Alicia, who is just kind of using Nate as a place mark at this point, is just like, well, we have a connection. That's undeniable. But, you know, I don't want to get emotions. But he's good looking and he's charming. So I don't know. He's a good temp. You know, once you've climbed Mount Olympus, everything else is just a regular blonde hill.

So, Alicia's saying... Once you've had a dolma, a pig in a blanket just won't do. You know what I'm saying? Once you've had tzatziki, plain yoga just isn't quite the same, is it? So...

Alicia's like, she's like, you know, Nate, I know I shouldn't say this, but I find you very interesting. Am I the first person to ever say that to you? I sort of suspect I am. He's like, oh, well, I find you, I find you quite interesting myself. And so you want to, you want to dance and everything. She's like, well, yeah. Are you trying to get me drunk? She's like, yeah.

I'm trying to get you drunk and vulnerable. - Yeah, these two are very boring. They're exceedingly boring. Even as I recite their dialogue, I am actually actively bored with the words coming out of my mouth. - Yeah, that's just how it's going.

So then they go back to the boat and they're in the cabs and Harry's like, ooh, what does everyone think of Alicia and what's-his-face? Do you think they'll ever leave trash on their lawn by accident and not pick it up until I send Bree over? And Lara's like, I think they're a fucking vibe. I might buy one of them a gift soon to try and turn them against Serena. I mean, they're my kind of people, for sure. Ooh.

I'm always going to root for strawberry. So Alicia is talking, like she's saying how they danced and they're like just being jokey. And it's like, yeah, we had a bit of a movie moment. We had a bit of a kiss because I think they kissed on the dance floor, I believe. And so Zarina's like, oh, that's great. I'm going to eat a pizza in bed and cry. And I'm going to pretend to fall asleep and snore and see if Lara tries to suffocate me with a pillow. I bet she will, stupid bitch. Yeah.

I don't like that Serena says that in such a sad way. Like, I'm going to eat a pizza and cry. I'm like, it's called Saturday. Like, why are we acting like that's not our favorite day of the week? Is it Saturday or is it Saturday? Well, yeah, it's a Saturday. It works.

So Marina is talking about her situation with Nick and she's doing this whole thing like, oh, I feel so comfortable. I'm so happy. You know, this is all I really wanted. And now I finally have it. I'm vulnerable with a man. Nothing can ever stop us. And I just muttered, I will give this 10 more minutes because that's how these shows work.

Sure enough. I think it took 20 actually. And she's like, wait a minute. I'm mad at you.

I know. And then Lara is getting gossip from Alicia. She's like, so what was the kiss with Nate like? She's like, oh, it was nice to kiss him, but I actually feel really bad about the whole Johnny thing. And Bree's like, oh my God, I thought Johnny was like a good fling, but like not like a real choice. And Alicia's like, oh, I don't know. She's caught between Nate and memories of Johnny and Johnny is caught between...

Alicia and punching a wall. That's a lot of, a lot of torn emotions. Uh,

There's so much emotion for people that you've known a week, you know? She's like, well, should I date that guy? Should it be the one that I've known for a week or the one that I've known for a week? I just don't know. I just don't know. And Nate's much more confident, you know? He's like, I don't know if you guys saw us ripping up the dance floor, but we kissed and then dancing. Soon we'll be married with babies. I'll catch up with my sisters yet.

And then Harry's like, I think it stinks in here. And he's like, yeah, farted. Left that part out of the story. But major farts. Major farts. Hey, girls. I don't know if you know about this, but Nate likes to fart in small rooms. Don't you didn't hear it from me. XOXO. Gossip Harry. So now everybody goes to bed. But Marina and Nick are lying next to the hot tub being romantic. And

Then Brie and Harry are talking and they just, I don't, there's not much chemistry here with Brie. What are you laughing at? I agree. I feel like they like each other. I feel like she likes him because he's a nice guy and she got burned with like a not so nice guy. But I don't really see her being that into him. I think that he's really into her, but this is just like...

I don't know. I don't really see the passion here. So they're cuddling. It's like a sourdough piece of bread. It's like a slice of sourdough bread next to a slice of white bread. And they're both like, I know we should go together, but we just, we just don't, we don't taste right together, but let's get in the bag together anyway. Cause we look the same. They both know which one's going to get served at the restaurant. Okay.

When the flight attendant comes down the aisle in business class and says, which one do you want? The passengers are going to say the sourdough. Now, the other thing, here's where- I don't know. I just had a moment. That's why sourdough and white bread are in my mind because I usually buy sourdough loaves. And this week I was like, you know what? This isn't great. Like there's something like raw tasting or weird. And maybe I'm just sick of it because I've had it so much.

And then so I went to the store and this time I bought a white loaf. And let me tell you, I'm back to white. I'm back. I don't need to try and talk myself into thinking I'm a classier person. White bread's better. Fuck your sourdough. You know what you do to make sourdough? You take a little piece of fungus and you keep it growing at all times to keep it sour and disgusting.

And I think that we're like, I have an adult palate, so I like sourdough better. But in truth, white bread is where it's at. There, I said it. I'll lead the revolution. Stand up for your right. I hear what you're saying. I love that you're taking back white bread. You're owning it. I hear everything you said. And white bread, definitely delicious. But I'm going to say that sourdough is...

in my mind, superior. I think it just has more flavor and it's more fun. And the way it hits the back of your tongue, that sour thing. Now, what I will say though, is that they're like, sourdough can't be subbed in for everything. So like, if you're going to give me a like, oh, here's a sourdough bagel. No, no, no, it doesn't work like that. Bagel is bagel. Sourdough is sourdough. Never the twain shall meet. Never the twain shall...

You know what? Never the twain shall eat. Twain is here. That's it. And twain is never the twain shall eat. You can't put sourdough in everything. I'll tell you this. Mark Twain was one picky eater. Okay.

So, Brie and Harry are doing their basic romance movie where she's like, "Are you happy?" And he's like, "I'm hippie. You make me hippie. I would love to keep traveling with you after the season. We could go to Cape Town, safari. There's so many people going against HOA rules." And she's like, "Yeah, you're going to be an amazing travel partner." He's like, "Yeah, I can't wait to take you to my favorite hostel." And she's like, when he says, "We're going to go to a hostel in New York."

Now she's from New Jersey, so she knows what a hostel in New York is roughly going to be like. And she's like,

Um, you know, we're on TV right now. Like we don't have to do the hostile thing. Like we're kind of celebrities now. She is that nothing is more it conducing than saying, I can't wait to do a hostile in New York. You know, who was in a hostile New York, Luigi Mangione, whatever his face is. That's, that's the vibe you're going to get. Okay. People, you're just selling tickets to the hospital. Now you're just selling tickets. Now everybody's like, I'm totally in hostile. It is.

Yes, there will be hot people, but they may just shoot you on the sidewalk. Yeah. And so she's like, is there a room service in hostels? It's like, nope. They'll probably ask you to do it. There's no service. They're like, hey guys, we've got a famous maid. Congratulations. We're going to finally get the community toilet cleaned.

Famous me. She's like, that's the biggest red flag ever. I would say so. Don't you ever, the word hostile should never come up in the courtship phase. Okay. I stayed in hostels when I first moved to New York. I stayed in a couple and they weren't so bad. I liked them.

I don't know if I do it now, although I did pass a hostel. We were in some city recently and I passed a hostel. I was like, oh, that's a nice hotel. And it was a hostel. And I was like, wow, it's actually kind of nice. I think we're too old though, right? To be walking in and being like, hello, young people. What you guys got on your Kindle? Let's all sit in a circle.

Yeah, the window... The hostel window for me has closed. Unfortunately, the hostel never really opened. I just was like, I just can't... I'm never going to... I was like, I can't do it. I understand there are really great options for people who don't... Yeah, if you're broke, if you want to travel on a dime, obviously there are great service for that. But I was always like, ew, gross. I'd just rather not travel. I would just sacrifice the travel than go to a hostel. Well, I went to live my dreams of being a waiter in a pizza restaurant. So...

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At 24, I lost my narrative, or rather it was stolen from me. And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics.

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So, now we go back to Nick and Marina by the hot tub, and he's like, "Oh, I'm coming to the hot tub, yeah!" And she's like, "Why is hot tub green?" And he's like, "Cause there's copper in the water tank, and when it oxidizes with oxygen in the water and the air, it turns green." Are all the men just trying to turn off the women today? We go from hostile talk to oxidizing copper.

But she loves this. She's like, oh, God, it's hard for me to open up because I don't want to be seen as weak. And I see my mom give her whole heart to my dad and my dad just throws it away. But Nick, the way he talks about copper and water, God, that really turns me on. All I want to do is talk about oxidation. You know, tomorrow I'm going to ask him about Statue of Liberty and I'm kind of expecting a full blown orgasm.

All I wanted for my mother's and father's wedding, or for their relationship, was to be oxidated. And now I've finally found the man. I'm finally going to be vulnerable after mom and dad. I was like, weren't you just in love with the bosun two weeks ago? Like, why are you acting like it takes you so much time to open up?

It doesn't. But I'm sorry about your parents. Sorry about your parents, but not everything also needs to be connected to your grandma, too, either. It's like, oh, so the water's green because of oxidation. Oh, my grandma would love to hear that story because she basically turns red with all the hard work she does keeping our family alive. So between grandma turning red and pool turning green, it's just so exciting to see things changing colors. I just, I don't want to think about the future. I just want to think about the present. And the present is...

It's oxidated, which is very nice. So then they start talking about traveling the world together. And now they go to bed and it's the next morning and Nate is texting Alicia to see if she wants to meet up for the sunset.

And then it's back to shamming, everybody. Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning, cleaning, cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. All right. Preference meeting. Preference sheep meeting, everybody. Let's all meet up. How are we? And charter eight. One day charter. Bunch of cheap ass bitches. All right. We've got a bunch of cheap ass people coming here. They're hostile people. Okay. These people have $20 to their name.

Matt Rosenberg, he's an attorney from Pennsylvania. He doesn't believe in zippers. He's an Amish attorney, so I fist Amish guests. Nope. Oh, no. It's just a regular non-Amish person. That's too bad. And he'll be joining with his wife Mia and three other couples. So they want a scuba. They want to go on a dive. They want to have a fancy tropical night, which, you know what, I'm actually kind of okay with that because it's, like, better than the person from New Jersey who comes onto the yacht in the Seychelles and says they want to have, like,

Italian night, you know, it's like, why did you leave New Jersey? Come to the Seychelles and have tropical night. So I support this. Yeah. Ben's Critics Corner on their itinerary choices. Well, it is nice to have kind of a basic one after like, let's do a circus. You know, all of them get crazier and crazier. And these people are like, we're here for five minutes. Feed us and get us drinks. That would be great. Okay. Maybe we'll go swimming in the water.

So he's like, all right, now the three of us need to talk. As heads of department and experienced people, you've got to stop the undercurrent. All right? We need to be working together. I do not like having to come out here and talk to people who work for me. Okay? Please keep me out of this as much as fucking possible. So Laura's like, oh, he's looking at me and thinking this is all of my fault because Sabrina has got her best fake happy smile on.

Why is she being fake? Yeah, she's just sitting there having a good time. Yeah. On my last boat, I definitely had a good relationship with my captain on board. We were close and I really ran the show. It's what I'm used to, so I don't want to disappoint the captain. Could you imagine? No way. That's why I'm going to tell him right now that I plan to promote Marina. And here we go.

Oh, wow. That was a great moment. I just want things to be better for me and the captain, so I'm going to undercut him and undermine him right now in front of everybody.

Yeah, I think that this captain would have let you run the show too, but you're the one going around and trying to manipulate and undermine people to the point that he actually had to step in. I mean, you're lucky to have this captain because he literally does not want to come out and do shit. He wants you guys to do everything. He doesn't want you to even ask him questions. He's like, just leave me alone. I came with a disco ball and kimonos, okay? That's my personality. You got this guy. You've made him come out of his room because of you.

and your drama yeah it's been going the whole season man yeah and like honestly this would be the time to say you know what i'm really glad you pushed me to put marina on service because she was really wonderful and you know thanks thanks for thanks for opening my eyes to that and you know it's just goes to show like

We all have room to grow and I really appreciate it. Something like that. But she doesn't even really acknowledge that. Nor does she say, I'm going to promote Marina, which becomes a point later on. So, anywho, so that all happens and she's now paranoid. So then Lara's like, Zarina, do you have time to chat at some point? And Zarina's like, of course I do, lovely. So she's sounding nice and warm, like, okay, they're going to finally patch up this stupid fight that they're in.

Just promise you won't be late for the chat. Right? So they go sit down. And she's like, all right, yeah, I wanted to have this chat because, like, obviously, I feel like there's still tension. And I don't want there to be tension. And Serena's like, mm-hmm. And she's like, so the other day, it upset me when you said I woke up late for work.

Because you didn't even know when I was up for work. And that's a lie. And it upsets me because we're meant to be friends. Didn't you call her a dickhead like five seconds before that? Probably. Do I have a historian here to remind me of this? Because I think you did. And so she's like, I just want to move forward. Yeah. And, you know, we both sort of agreed that like this, Zerita probably should not. It was funny to watch, but...

professionally not very cool to just fully lie like that so serena's like well professionally honestly i don't care i think she just ceded the high ground because she would have been winning this whole thing if she hadn't done that because now laura has picked found one thing to pick on after all the shit she's done with serena she's now got the one thing that she can pick on over and over again and use it as a weapon against serena so it was just a bad move uh tactically but yeah it was fun to watch yeah

So Zarina's like, so you've tried to have a lot of control over my department and put a lot of poison in it. Well, guess what? I'm serving that poison with a fork. And I think a line was broken for both of us the other morning. But I also don't want to take all the blame for that morning. She goes, but you haven't even said sorry, Zarina. She goes, did you? She's like, for telling you the plates were hot. She's like, yes, you should have said sorry. You should have said, sorry, those plates were hot. And I'm

Because that was clearly the master plan for these delicious, delicious soups, and you got it wrong. Okay, you should have apologized. And Laura's like, "But it started with the crew mess. I mean, it's just a vacuum and a wipe, and just to check there's no food off, which is standard. It's just 15 minutes. So I just don't understand why you can't do it." Then do it. Then fucking do it. Then why can't you or one of your people do it? If it's so simple and so easy, then it should be just as easy for you to do it, ma'am.

And so Zarina has the right response, which is, "She's not a fucking stewardess. She's a sous chef. That's literally what she got hired for." And Lara's like, "Okay, but here's the actual difference, Zarina. I'm asking you stuff about work, and you're actively going at me personally." I'm like, "Yeah, no, well..." No.

But that doesn't explain the fact that Alicia is not a stew and should not be doing the cleaning. That's not her job. Yeah, but Serena's not going after you personally by saying that's not that girl's job. Why are you taking that personally? That's silly. Well, she's saying that like the— Oh, she's saying because you came after work. Well, but even the work thing, if you were late for work, that is a work thing. That's not a personal thing. She's not saying you're a stupid bitch. She's saying you came in late for work, which would be an operational critique.

I think what you were saying is like, you made up a lie about me just to get under my skin. And now you're saying I'm poisoning things like those, those hue a little bit more like, like personal issues as opposed to like, Hey,

you know i want like this communication or that whatever but i think though that like zarina saying that that alicia is not a stew and is not hired to clean up things in the in the crew mess is a work critique

Yeah, but yeah, you're right. I think she was referring to when she did get personal. So Serena's like, okay, but I'm telling you that I felt like I was pushed in a way that I had to react like that because you've had control issues and it's your way or the highway. And she's like, well, I just think now, you know, you're just trying to make jabs at me because you can't accept that you lied about me. That's not a jab. She's like telling you what her problem with you is. And she goes, but what about my story? And she's like, well, tell me what I need to be sorry for and then I'll be sorry for it.

Because everything I've said has to do with work. Yeah. But you're trying to force her employee into doing your work and then to get your way or to get this girl not to like her, you're going and buying lipstick and pulling her aside to talk shit about her boss. I mean, that's pretty personal. Yeah. You know what? That's really all stems from on the one. It sort of stems from those plates, that plate issue. But also really what this stems from is that whole freaking picnic where Laura was like, you have to go to the beach.

and Zarina didn't have to go to the beach. And I feel, I just want Zarina to say, you know what, here's an example. You made me waste a whole bunch of fucking time going on a beach where I just took saran wrap off of bowls of salad and came back and stuff like that, that bothers me. And I want you to trust that when I say I'm not needed, that I am not needed, that I understand beach picnics, I understand situations. You need to trust me and you did not show me trust. And this is where the erosion of our relationship began.

Yeah, because a lot of the stuff Serena could—is in the right, but Serena's reactions are just so childish and, you know, passive aggressive. And then she flies off the handle and then she's like, "Oh, so I guess I'm not important, that I couldn't go. Oh, guess you couldn't do that." She acts like a fucking child. And then, you know, it lends—it gives Lara more power every time she does that. Instead of just being like, "No, I'm not—like, no, I'm not going to the beach."

Like she doesn't even have to say it nice. Like, no, I'm not going to the beach. My job is here. And if you need a head of department, then you should go. Absolutely. Yeah. And just say, look, I understand why you feel like there should be a head of department. I'm telling you, I hear what you're saying. I know the situation. It's okay. Alicia will go. I'm going to stay here. It's more important for me to stay here and prep for later on. And if it's so important for head of charter, then maybe you should go.

- Not even maybe, you should go. - No is a complete sentence.

I think that Lara needs, yes it is, I think the thing is that both of them need to feel like they are being considered. And both of them communicate in a way where the other one does not feel considered. So when Lara says, "I need you to go to the beach," and she says, "Well, no, da-da-da-da, Lara feels undermined with her authority." And of course, Zarina feels undermined. And they just need to speak in a way that says, "No," but says, "I acknowledge what you need from me, and I realize the situation, but do know I'm hearing what you need,

but like it's okay you don't need me but that's a lot of therapy talk to just say you don't have to say it in those words but you have to say the word they they both need to inject more care for the other person in the way they talk to each other and they're just failing at that tremendously they don't have to speak in therapy speak they just have to be find a way to sort of like

yeah, just be more thoughtful to each other while they reject each other's requests. Yeah. I mean, she's feeling like she's usurping her authority, but you don't have authority over Serena. So that's the thing, you know? So she's like, and now you've made me feel like crap. So I don't think we should speak to each other other than work. And that's it. Okay. Good, good talk, Laura. You're really great at these. I know. Has Laura had even one talk with anybody on this boat that's ever worked out? Like,

Like, no, she hasn't. They've all ended in her having some kind of little princess knit. I know. And this is why also, like, she's such a dumbass for walking out when Jason sat them down. Because, like, you clearly need a third party here. And, like, I think he actually could have helped in that situation. But she's really not good at this. So she storms off right by Captain. And Jason's like, are you all good? And she's like, yep.

Like, oh, I wonder why he doesn't connect with you because you brush him off all the time when you go by him. Yeah. And then Alicia sees Serena and she's like, that's not a good face. Which, do I really need you on top of it all? All right. Can you reword that while we're talking about rewording things?

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So then Jason has made a mini disco helmet for the fish. And I wonder how many activists are like, how dare you put sharp things in the fish tank? So, you know, they're like little glued squares on top of a...

Don't worry, it will corrode down to nothing in that algae-infested tank soon enough. Maybe, by the way, maybe now would be a good time to talk about the fish report for the week, since we're talking about the fish tank, shall we? Well, let's do it. Fish report, fish report.

Right out of the gate, I mean, look at this gorgeous neon green lobster. It looks like Ecto Cooler. It looks like 1992. This is one of the most tremendous lobsters we've ever seen. Its color matching is fantastic. Green and yellow go together very well. It's even standing next to a subtle pink. This is a diva of the lobster world. However, it is giving me broccolini, so I'm going to say no.

Is it actually giving you broccolini? Is it like, has a little platter like, sir, your broccolini has arrived. It looks, and look, its antennas are all wonky as well. It's drunk. This is a drunk broccolini lobster. Perhaps who's visited Chernobyl. Get it together, sir. Okay, stay away. When a sign says danger, do not enter. When it says Akhtung, stay away.

Our next fish is returned to the Parisian makeup fish. We saw her, I think a week or two ago and she's just, she's just gorgeous. She's I love, she just, I love that. She's actually one of the few fishes that actually just sits. Most of them are floating around. She's just like, I'm going to sit here on this rock.

And I'm just going to wait for my croissant to arrive. This is a judgy bee of a fish. I think she's got a cigarette in her hand. Look how her lips are kind of open. She's like blowing out some smoke. And then look how she looks up and down. Look how she gives us the body eye. She's like, oh, my God, did you mean to wear that to work? You look disgusting. Did you see Celeste the other day? Did you see what she wore to the fish office? Disgusting. She's a slut.

She's like, hold on, I'll get those copies done for you in just a minute. You're like, you're just sitting there. Oh, really? Well, I just got a call from my brother. It turns out our cousin Marie is in the hospital. She has gout. I can't work under these conditions. All right, next up is a shark. It's a shark. This is a shark who's found diet and medication cheap online. So it's like, I can take as much as I want to. Yeah, this shark is just like a very chic shark.

And it's very slow, too. It's just like, look, I know I'm menacing, but I can also be stylish. Because it's been taking too much GLP-1s. It's like, I'm exhausted. I'm thin, but I'm exhausted. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. Now this next group here of fish, I included this because I think these fish should be saluted for their bravery because look at this gorgeous little school and then Harry comes along and it's just so menacing over them and they're like, Jesus, can we just enjoy our party without this big ass giant coming and invading our space? So I'm just giving them a shout out for having to deal with hardship.

I will say that I like Harry's eyebrows like this all arched up because he's under goggles. And so it's lifting his eyebrows up. And I think he looks very nice. Yeah. Also, the use of perspective here is really wonderful. This is a great shot. Yeah. And Harry's like such a bro. He's not even looking at the camera. Because I feel like if you were underwater and getting this shot, I would be looking right at the camera. Like, are you getting my eyebrows?

Also, the bigger fish here, they need to leave. This is not their party. It's not. They get out of here. And look at this one here at the top. Look how it's dancing. It's like, yeah, we don't need you twerking. I know you don't see many men down here.

You can just leave now. Okay. This is the little fish party. Yes. Okay. So this one, what I love about this one is this one loves drama. This is like a, I don't even know what this is called. It basically looks like a, like a, like a part, like a, like a party, not like a,

It's basically like a tube. It's like a pompom going into a tube. It's like feathers popping out of a straw, basically, is what it looks like. It's like a straw and then boom. Hello, boys. This one's our most dramatic of the week. Let the sun shine. Let the sun shine in. This one's, yeah, this one's partying. I like this one. Yeah, this one's cool. I've never seen something like that.

Yeah, big drama, big explosion of hair. You know, the sea turtle is a classic. This one is included this week, mainly because we don't really often get a nighttime sea turtle, especially not lit from below. And I know that underlining is not always what we want from our divas. But here, I think, you know, I think the sea turtle is really showing off a beautiful pale underside for the camera. Well, this is why I don't like going to like,

cruises or topical tropical locations where everybody's like in shorts and i feel all fat because look at this turtle and his eight pack this turtle has an amazing figure and i'm just like can i just enjoy my vacation without feeling inferior you know and i can't because the turtle's like insisting on swimming above me in the night to show me his fucking six pack

Really all the hot aquatic animals or creatures are coming out today. Between this and the shark, I mean, it's like all the hotties are out today. Also to this turtle, close your leg to married men. Okay. Yeah.

I think this is a puffer fish. First of all, I just think that this puffer fish is just wearing a beautiful, clean, polka-dotted look, but then also has some great earrings. Look at her fin earrings. She's like, I'm going to put on some big hoop earrings, and I'm just going to float along with these orange fish. The earrings are great.

The earrings are great. I love the dress that kind of goes with the fins, but it's not all the same thing. The polka dots are great. I will say this fish has kind of extended butthole eyes.

Yeah. And maybe like the makeup is a little bit too much on the face. It's giving like Meredith Marks wearing a mask. It's too much. Like get an eye job because like you're, you have butthole eyes, you know what I mean? And they're gross. But I love your outfit. Great work. Great work. And then finally, I know like this. Yeah. I was like, look, this normally the jellyfish just come floating on like stupid, stupid pieces of,

But here, this jellyfish puts on a show. We've never seen a more active jellyfish before on Blow Deck. So I think this one gets honorary mention because it's featured on the tease for next week. But look at this beautiful. Look at this. Oh, yes. This somersault. A somersaulting jellyfish. That's just...

You know what else I appreciate about this? It's not see-through. This is a jellyfish that is solid. You don't have to see through the jellyfish and look at all their organs. And I really appreciate that. It's like a modest dancer jellyfish, you know? Yeah. It almost looks like a squid. Its tentacles look like a squid, but it's actually a jellyfish. Is it a jellyfish? Maybe it's not.

Is it just a squid that has like an inverted face? I think it's a jellyfish. This is a squid with my Aunt Louisa's hair. My great Aunt Louisa had this haircut. But this squid, I mean, this jellyfish definitely works like weddings and bar mitzvahs. Like it's like, okay, we're gonna get the dance floor going. It's gonna like get out there on the dance floor and do some big moves. And then everyone comes on out. Like Aunt B gets out on the dance floor. Okay, that brings us to the end of the fish report. Fish report.

My favorite was the lobster still. I have to say, I love that neon lobster. I'm going to give it to the summer salting jellyfish squid at Lulu hair. I'm sorry, but whole eyes, but you didn't even come in second, like fix your face. No, no buttholes was not, butthole was not going to come in. No, no, no lies. Get out of here. But whole lies. Okay. So then, um, now back to the show, we are at Nate, uh,

I don't know, basically telling everybody to get ready. Meanwhile, Alicia is making a quick cheese board for her date, which she's, I like this. This is kind of a diss to the fired bosun that she's like, that's me making a cheese board for myself. And that's called power.

Or I would love it if it was actually a cheese board she made for Vian, but then she put it in the fridge and wrapped it up and then she saved it for this moment. She's like, I will eat Vian's cheese. Vian literally threw a can of Coors Light at the TV when he saw her making a cheese board for her own date. But what about my cheese? Yeah, so they have a chemistry-free date and then Marina leaves a note on Nick's door and says, your smile lights the room and brightens my day. Vian.

And that's like a cute little note for him. I wouldn't write back either. What a weird fucking note. What, do I have to get reviewed every time I walk into a room? Like, keep your Yelp reviews. I'm just trying to live.

So then Brie and Lara are talking and Brie's like, "Marina's been amazing!" And Lara's like, "Yeah, Marina's been absolutely great." And they're basically saying, "Oh, Marina's really, really good." And we never see this on Below Deck. Normally the stews, the second and third ones or potential second ones, they usually fight to death to get those stripes. But Brie is kind of like, "Yeah, Marina's really, really good at her job." Weirdly supportive. Not a common thing to see.

And then Laura's like, well, I have to admit, Marina did great on service for somebody with dark hair. And maybe Jason does know a little bit about yachting.

So you had one nice moment on the show and you just had to go and ruin it. Yeah. So Nate and Alicia are on their date and he's like, this has been an amazing date. And she's like, well, there has to be some perks in kissing the sous chef. I really appreciate you bringing the energy onto the boat. It's really refreshing. So everyone's watching them on the closed circuit TV on their date and everything. It's kind of like being in the...

head of household room on Big Mother and they're all, you know, it's cute. Serena's like, "Ew, kissing after eating cheese." Nick says, "What animals?" Animals. So then Nate's asking about the tattoo on her ankle and she's like, "Well, it's my beat chart. It's somewhere I've lived half the year when I was growing up. There's all four girls of us, like, in this big garden, so we had a chart on our ankles that tracked the beats. You know, I'm a big fan of beats."

So my mother used to make me count them on my ankle. It was a really good time growing up. What kind of, what kind of a childhood is that? I don't even, I don't even remember her saying this. And I'm like, now that I'm seeing that she has a beat chart, I'm like, what? What is a beat chart? I need to know what it is. I don't know. Can we look at that? Beat chart. Maybe it's just a misspelling. Oh no, there's a beat chart.

I mean, there's some here, one's a pie chart of different colors, and then one's a thing of a beat. And then there's like a size chart where you see small beats are two inches in diameter, medium beats are two and a half. It couldn't be that, right? The fuck is a beat chart? The beat chart, there must either... She just has a chart of like... I couldn't remember how many beats there were. Turns out there's red beats and golden beats, but it's still a lot. So I just have a chart on my ankle. Yeah.

So, yeah, she has a beet tattoo, and he's like, oh, you've got four sisters, do you? I'm so stoked to have a daughter. She'll have me wrapped around a little finger, I'm sure of it. I'm sure of it. I could have sworn he was about to do the age old, well, I actually have a little girl. She lives in Fort Lauderdale with her mother, and everything I do is for her. I can't wait to see her. I was like, please don't do this. But he does this. A daughter on spec.

I would have liked to have been married by now, but sometimes I get pretty intense pretty quickly. Years ago, I met a Texan girl on a plane, fell in love with her, brought her back to Australia, bought her a kangaroo, knocked up the kangaroo, lived through the chaos of that decision. She left me still with the kangaroo. Kangaroo became an alcoholic and a chain smoker, tried to make it work. Believe it or not, the kangaroo left me because I just fall in love that deep.

Sir, we know you're just reciting the plot of Crocodile Dundee. Okay, stop trying to fool us. So we know it's Linda Kowalski you're talking about. So Alicia, meanwhile, they pack up and everything and they go back downstairs and they're like, Harry's like, oh, we've just been watching TV. And they think, well, TV, where? They're like, right here, we're watching your date. They're like, oh, funny. And Nate importantly says,

All right, yeah, yeah, that's right. You got some footage. The smoochies, smoochies all around on that footage. And Alicia's like, did you call them smoochies? Smoochies? Please don't ever do that again. I can't get fanning flatters when you say things like smoochies. Smoochies?

And this becomes an issue. This becomes a storyline. Smoochies. Smoochies is baby talk, isn't it? I'm just not doing it for me. No fanny flutters here. I mean, my vagina just folded in with the thought of that. So then Nick and Marina have a good night smoochie, and then they go to bed. So Nick finds the note and then looks at the camera like,

This note has oxidized. So now it's the morning and it's three hours before charter. Everyone's waking up. Alicia's nervous. And Serena's saying how Laura's still refusing to speak to her, but like, whatever. And Laura's like, okay, everyone, I'm going to keep it the same as last time, fellow stews. Marina, you'll be on service with me and Bree. Bree, I'm going to let you try to figure out how to turn on a shower. If you can do that, then there's a future for you.

By the way, I know people are probably sick of us harping on showers. We were just in a hotel this week. I couldn't figure out the shower. I couldn't do it. The one with Dallas. The Dallas one. It had two knobs that went different ways, and I couldn't turn it off. I could not figure out how to turn it off. That's so stupid. Like, you see, we're even talking about this right now on Below Deck. It's too much. So, Brie, I get you. So, um...

Laura is like, all right, now, Marina, you've improved massively and you've taken on board everything that I've said. Unfortunately, Brie doesn't know how to turn on a shower and cries when she has to fold toilet paper into shapes. So, Marina, you've won two epaulettes. You've won an epaulette with two stripes on it. Congratulations. You are now officially my second still.

Yeah, this sort of came out of nowhere because it seemed like Marina was the runt of the litter. She begrudgingly let Marina be on service. And then after one service, she gets promoted. It almost seems too hasty. But I think actually your joke had truth and jest because she realized, oh, Marina can kick ass in the laundry and kick ass on service and breathe.

is actually really all she can do is serve drinks. So I get it, but it just felt like, it felt like such a hairpin turn that I just almost didn't even trust it. Well, this might seem like pushing it. And I know that sometimes I don't like people and I tend to put every wrongdoing on that person, but I think she's being manipulative. I think she feels the, the tone of the boat turning against her and she needs people on her side. So,

So this way she gets somebody else on her side. She gets to look like a good person who's not abusive to her employees by giving someone some recognition. And she gets kind of a good girl pin for herself by doing this for somebody else. But she messes it up because the whole point of this too is like a big component is to then go to the captain and be like,

you know what, you're right. And well, you're right, and not only are you right, I think I actually want to make her second stew. And she doesn't do that. Like, hello, you gotta squeeze this fruit for all its juice. - I think it's hard for her to say that anybody else is right. I think that she always wants to be right. So I think it's difficult, and this is her way of trying to communicate that he was right, if that makes any sense. - Wow. - It's almost like her trying to make an effort towards Jason. Like she's trying to make Jason like her,

by saying, look, you were right. She was great. And now I'm going to honor the person that you forced me to do something. So she thinks she's doing a good thing, but she doesn't go to him. And then when confronted with it, makes mass out of herself. So I don't know. By the way, didn't Nate make Harry the lead deckhand before telling Jason? No, he went to Jason.

He went to Jason first? Well, wait, did he? No, I think he went and I think he just made Harry the lead deckhand on the spot and then told Jason. And Jason's like, "I love that." But you know what it is? I think though, even though he did it before telling Jason, he still took the time to go tell Jason, "Hey, I just did this." As opposed to Jason having to find— I couldn't remember the order, but I think you're right because remember Harry said, "Well, I want to be lead deckhand."

And then did he go to Jason and then tell Harry he's lead deckhand? Or did he just say that conversation? No, I think he told Harry first, but he then went and had a dedicated conversation where he said, by the way, I told Harry he's lead deckhand. And so I think that, like, in this case, Jason had to find out later on the episode circuitously. So that's, you know. Well, points for circuitously. I'll tell you who's getting my apple. Circuitously.

You know who Sir Q is? That jellyfish going around in circles. Like a little Mary Lou Retton of the ocean. Yeah. Hello there. This is a two-part recap, okay? This is the end of part one. So thank you so much for listening to this. Just come back a little later for part two.

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