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Well, hello and welcome back to the Watch What Crappens podcast. I'm Ronnie. And today for this very special below deck finale recap, I'm with the gorgeous Ryan Bailey from the So Bad It's Good podcast with Ryan Bailey. Hello, Ryan.
Hello, Ronnie, and to the audience, we just did a whole podcast before we started, FYI. We did, and you know, I could not press record because I was still getting some fish together for the fish report. Thank God. Priorities. People need the fish report. That's what we're here for today. Thank you for being here any day, but also especially on this
Below deck finale day. Because this is never an easy day. Not because anyone's crying that this shit's over, but because it's very difficult, the finale. It's like hugging. It's just hugging. Yeah.
It's a very end of the school year vibe, you know, where you're like, we have to say goodbye to all of these characters, some of which we've never even learned their names the entire season. And you wonder what they're going to be doing for the summer. And you get to see like this. Thank God Harry is going to be with that girl for a little bit like that. That warmed my heart. But it was. Oh, God. Yeah, I was really worried about those two fucking basics. Like, what are they going to do? Are they going to have somebody to hold hands with in the food court? I don't care. Yeah.
You know they enjoy matinee movies together. And the fact that he was like in the last episode just kept apologizing to her like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry she was twerking on me. I'm so sorry. And he just kept apologizing. He literally sobbed. The man literally sobbed. And she loved it. She loved it. She was like, you're the one for me. A man who will sob an apology. Yes, you're the one.
I mean, it's like, she was getting full fanny flutters. It was amazing. That's all she needed. This whole season, she's been like, I need more from Harry. I just don't know what it is. But I need more.
And she gets him sobbing and apologizing. And she's like, that's it. Just came. Harry reminds me of the dad, Crispin Glover from Back to the Future, but not like as the nerdy part, like one Michael J. Fox goes back and changes the future. And then Crispin Glover, like the dad has changed. He like wrote a book and he's that reminds me of Harry.
You know, Harry reminds me of... Did you ever watch Absolutely Fabulous? I'm sorry, I'm bringing up old shows. Oh my God, Ronnie, I have a note right here about the Chief Stew reminding me of very Ab Fab vibes. Oh, yes, yes. Well, Harry, they did a trip where they went to Morocco, and there was this perv that they know, this guy perv, and he's just like, ooh, ooh, and just...
The way his face, like his eyebrows go all the way up. He's like... That's very Harry. And I know Harry, you know, is so nice and everybody loves Harry. And I'm not a Harry hater. I mean, Harry does seem genuinely nice. But there's just something about Harry that I don't trust. And I don't know if it's that... Really? You will go so as far as you do not trust Harry? I don't trust Harry. I'm going to say that I don't trust Harry. He seems too...
He seems like sneaky or something. There's something. And also he's a big tattletale. You know, that's another thing I don't like about Harry. He's always tattletaling. And then he's always running to the girls with all the gossip to like get everybody else in trouble. I mean, he's just not a trustworthy person, but he seems nice. I don't have to trust him. What if he comes back next season after his new girlfriend and his voice is like lowered three octaves? They're like, what's up, Captain Jason? What's going on?
Listen, I've seen a lot of people change in my 50 years. I've never seen anybody change that much. Have you? No, no. No, you made a really solid point there, Ronnie. Thank you. Yeah, you're right. No, I don't trust Captain Jason. People can change, but they don't. Yeah, that's true. People don't want to put the work in. Captain Jason is the one that sometimes I don't trust because he, to me, is just, I mean, he's so solid. I mean, he's very Tom Cruise in a way where he is just, oh.
I'm here. I'm vaping off camera to be. Oh, yeah, I guess. You know, he's very Captain Jason is like very Tom Cruise in the sense that Tom Cruise just wants to make films. And Jason just wants to provide a good service. And he loves this yacht and he loves the Seychelles. And he's very asexual to me. Like he's considered the hottest thing that Bravo has going in terms of a man. Yet you cannot ever see this guy hooking up with anybody.
You know, it's interesting because Danny Pellegrino was just here. We were in Crappier together and we were talking about that article that came out of in people about Bravo's sexiest bachelors. You saw that. I'm sure. Tom Schwartz is like, what's up, everybody? Schwartz, Carl, Shep,
And then, of course, the model, Beckford, coming to the new show. Tyson Beckford. Tyson Beckford was in there. Like legit gorge. But then you've got all these other dum-dums from Bravo. And Danny said, you know, I noticed he's like, take Tyson out of it. He's like, but you notice everybody else is kind of asexual on that show.
If you think about it, you've got Shep, who I said Shep's not asexual. He just comes in two seconds, so it doesn't really matter. It's like frat boy coming, you know? Was it good for you? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But Shep, I think, is too drunk to even know. But like Carl and Schwartz and... Well, Carl is completely asexual. Yeah. Yeah. So now you're saying Jason. And so that makes sense. Yeah.
And by the way, it's not to diss asexuality, obviously. Not me. I'm like the president of it. But, you know. I mean, I'm not screaming. You don't see me and it doesn't scream sex at all. But I, like, remember that BravoCon we were at a couple years ago? Yeah.
everybody like the whole weekend was just about getting captain Jason laid. Like not even from like the fans. It was like, la la, like every panel you would go to, there would be a question where it'd be like, would you, would you bone captain Jason? Like that was every panel I went to, they would just like get to a point where they would ask it. Like, would you hook up with captain Jason? Where I was like, why aren't we doing love hotel? Let's just do love Jason. Like,
Yeah, they could. They could try to do one of those shep-lationships or whatever, or relationships or whatever they did. Relationship. Just try and hook Jason up, you know? I mean, maybe. Do people?
Do you think people know the history of Bravo as much as they should? Like, because you just said relationship. And I wonder if there are people out there still that don't realize Shep had a one season long dating show. Yeah. Well, you know, times those years just keep flying by. I mean, we'll mention stuff and people are like, what are you talking about? That fight never happened. I guess it did 15 years ago. Do you watch that?
Bravo? But yeah, Relationship. That was the first dating show I've ever seen so many people leave. They're like, no...
just willfully yeah every everybody wants to be a reality star and that's like the one show people were like i'm good actually i don't even hear i just realized i didn't get a lot of attention from my parents when i was younger i i tried to kiss him he burped in my mouth and there was a tooth in my mouth when there was a wooden tooth in my mouth as he walked away like i'm out of here if you kiss chef you are going to get an immediate taste of brisket like smoked brisket
And some probably in your mouth because it's still on his teeth. You know, he's just one of those. Gross. But yeah, Jason is very, he's like being put forth as a sexy guy. And he is sexy, but he's good looking. But I agree that there's not a ton of like,
energy dripping off there like the season where he's like coming out in the the shirts you know the wet shirt and then he's selling his kimono he's like oh yeah the captain's lounge kimono please put your clothes on i'm trying to eat and then watch your hairy butt crack everywhere
And didn't Laura just have like a sex dream about him like last episode or like... I don't believe that either. Do you? I mean, yeah, because I was like, come on, you did not explain the sex dream. Like that would have been a fun scene if she had to explain in detail to Captain Jason the sex scene.
Well, the sex scene actually was pretty funny. She's like, I imagined that we were saving children and the children had beautiful eyes. And then we fucked. I'm like, what the? You were saving children. Oh, he wants to make eye contact with you during sex. You just know it.
Oh, God. I mean, I kind of like that, do you? Because it keeps your eyes off my love handles. Like, just look right here. No, like, right here. Right at these baby blues. I'm looking into your eyes and you're looking at the exit sign. I'm like, it's called romance. Finish. Get her done. Can I get some Shep timing over here, please?
All right. So below, Dick, down under. Oh, and also, you're not only doing your own show. You are a chump these days on the Jeff Lewis radio show. Jeff Lewis says. Jeff Lewis live. You guys were just on last week. I get made fun of by Jeff. It's only...
I mean, that's when you were when I was watching Flipping Out like 12, however long, how many years ago, how many decades that was. I used to love Flipping Out. And just to think that I never was watching that thinking that one day I would get completely made fun of by Jeff Lewis every week. Right. You just watch everybody else being traumatized like this is so entertaining. And now that it's your turn. God damn it. This guy's great. Oh, cool. He's talking about my nipples and bedwetting again. Amazing. Love it.
He is harsh, man. But very funny. So love you on that. Okay. So I just wanted to give them a shout out. Hi. Okay. So now let's go over to the Below Deck Down Under season finale. My first kind of complaint is I don't need 17 episodes of Below Deck. I don't need it.
Can I tell you something that might blow your mind, Ronnie, is that you asked me to do this last week and I was like, hell yeah. And I had not watched an episode of Below Deck Med this season. Really? And so in this past week, I have watched...
17 episodes of Below Deck Med. Ryan! And I will, well, listen, Below Deck, like I watch Below Deck, Sailing Yacht, I watch, but you know, sometimes a season will get three or four episodes in and you're like, I don't, I can't do it. I can't, I can't get in there. I don't have the time. And then I always want to get around to it. And you asked me and I was like, oh, this is the perfect time. And I have been in Below Deck Down Underworld for the last week.
And it is so funny. Like I'll have, I want to have dreams about having sex with Captain Jason, but I will have dreams of like, we got to get these stabilizers. People are getting sick up here. I am fully in below. And it's so sad because now it's over and I'm kind of, I want to know what happens next week.
Oh, don't worry. The next one comes out next week. That's why. That's why I'm saying we don't need 17. It's on year round. Like, enough. You know? I think a good 12 is good. Below Deck is that, like, old faithful show. It's like, just like, it's kind of like Summer House in the sense that it's like, it kind of exists on vibes. And it's a feeder system for, like,
You know, it's the show that women can usually get their boyfriends or their husbands to watch on Bravo, and then they'll get enough courage to go to Summer House. And eventually, years later, they'll finally hit Real Housewives. Below Deck is that safe show that I can just watch people just, you know, enter the kitchen, exit the kitchen, and that's a scene.
It's like bisexual porn is to a heterosexual swinger marriage that's about to bloom. You got to get the husband a little warmed up.
And then he's in there. Then he's in there. Then the next couple of years, they're watching all the housewives. They're bent over the couch. Did you really just reveal something so personal right now about your life? I was, hey, it's like those bisexual relationships where you got, you know how it is. You know how it is. You got to slowly turn them to get their keys in the bowl. Yeah.
Hey, listen, you got to have a hobby. So below deck, down under, here we go. How many people will say goodbye today? Let's watch. So we start with the tender being stuck on the beach. Oh, this was tough. Done.
This was a rough one because Nate's such a nice guy, you know. He's like, all I want is a wifey and 10 babies with blonde hair. That's all I really need. And I've messed up this Tinder.
He was so flustered and frustrated, as I would imagine. I mean, if you have this job and then you get it stuck and he already, you know, he's like, oh, Captain Jason is potentially going to dress me down for this. Like he had a real responsibility because the people on the boat were getting sick. The stabilizers weren't working as properly as they should. So people were hurling on the boat.
Yeah, and when that happened, he's like, well, you know, the stabilizers just do that in this kind of water. And that's just how it goes. That's how the stabilizers are. They don't work very well. Well... How discounted is this? But also, should it be called stabilizers if it doesn't stabilize? Yeah, that sounds like it should have a different name for sure. Mickey Formitalizers. Yeah.
Also, the guy who got this charter is named Wynne. No. Oh. Oh, the charter guest? I can't with that guy. Yeah, the main guy. He's like, my name's Wynne. No, it's not. I don't believe you. Okay, so it stuck because, and Jason's mad. And I like when Jason gets mad this season because for the most part, he's like, figure it out yourselves. They're like, me and Serena are about to kill each other. I don't care. Figure it out yourselves. I've got a Netflix in here. All right? Yeah.
Well, yeah, he was really addicted to those M&Ms that one episode. He's like, if I open a bag, I can't stop. I can't stop. Make him sound like John Lennon, by the way, you guys. But I loved that he was addicted to a bag of M&Ms at one point. And he's like, help yourself. Have one. I'm going to keep eating them until the bag's gone.
Yeah, but you know what happens when really healthy people start eating junk food? They turn into bitches. Remember how he was with Marina? And that was during his M&M phase. And he's like, how dare you? I told you to stick suitcases up and you smothered off to me. You want to die on your sleep, winch? And I was like, oh my God, what happened to him? And then I realized it was the sugar. It was the sugar addiction. Yeah.
It would be amazing if he got that M&M addiction at the first episode. And by the 17th episode, we see that he's noticeably put on 30 pounds. He's like, I'm not moving right. I was sweating under my belly. Sweating under my belly. Never even knew that could happen.
So, yeah, that was fun. So he got pissed. He's like, how could they get his stock? Huge mistake. I showed him how to navigate. I showed him the computer. I gave them a kimono to wear for a promotional shot on my Insta. How dare they? And it turns out they just drove it too far onto the sand and it got stuck there. Yeah, like I've never been on a yacht and I probably never will be, but I was like, that's what I see as the problem as well. You've driven it too far up.
Yeah. It seems obvious, but it's not, you know. And then he finally comes to help them and he's like, huge fuck up, huge. All right, let me give you a lesson. You got to get waist deep in the water instead of driving to see how deep it is. Can't you see it with your eyes? And he did that snake eye thing where he's like, can't you see it with your eyes?
I bet he's one of those dudes, though, if he does talk closely to you, it is probably the most intense experience in real life. You know, like if he talks close, he's always just he's laser like in his precision. Like, I think it's like really pretty easy going if you're watching it. But I bet in person it's it's might be a little intimidating. It's intimidating. It's intimidating to even watch it because he ended that he goes, can't you see with your eyes? At least we gave him something to laugh at.
Look at them, standing on the shore, all laughing at you. It's like, damn, oh my God, it's like taking me back to kindergarten. You're in the running for the disco ball helmet. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, not a great ending. Oh, and he says that, he's like, not a great ending, guys. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappin's commercial.
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Speaking of, let's check in on the boring couple. Brie, Harry, take a nap. Oh my god! We're like executive privileged. Harry's like, I felt a nipple last night for the first time. We're basically married now. So we get to this thing that I hate most on these shows where they're like, oh my god, let's have the guests play with the clean people. Are you talking about the treasure hunt? Yeah.
Yes, the pirate treasure hunt thing. Which at least it wasn't an Olympics. That's what I really hate. If you had the opportunity, wouldn't you just want to drink and eat and maybe jump into the water? Like if I had to do a treasure hunt, I would be so bummed out. Like they're all in pirate outfits and everybody's in their costuming. Like who's, I mean, is there a group of people out there that'd be like, that made the trip. That.
really makes a difference. Exactly, and they do it every time. If I was in a really nice hotel and there was a knock at my door and it was the cleaning lady, he's like, okay, come outside. We're going to have an Olympics race. You against the maids. I'd be like, get the fuck out of here. It's the water. It's the water with you.
It's the water version of a rage room or a murder mystery party on these shows, like when they have to go. And I'm like, no, just tell me what you guys are feeling and what the fight is. I don't need to know. I don't need to see you guys smashing things with a bat. Like I'm grown up enough to like, let's just talk. Let's just find out what's going on with you guys. Yeah. Yeah. Just say like, how are you doing? How's business, Wynn? Hey, Wynn, where'd that name come from? It's not really your name.
Why are you making up names for yourself, Wynn? So people get back to the boat, et cetera. Someone had to stay with the tinder. And so Nate, the bosun, decides he's going to stay with the tender. If you know you're going to be out somewhere in the middle of the ocean, well, it's not the middle, but you know what I mean. You're not going to be on deck. Why are you letting the bosun stay out there chain smoking, doing nothing? Isn't he kind of important? Yeah.
Yeah. And he was so – and you could tell he was just like huffing and puffing for four hours it seemed like. Also, like, yeah. Did you also – that one part where Alicia thought Nate looked hot in the pirate outfit? Yeah.
like so he's in the pirate outfit like he did he screwed up the tinder but he's also alicia is like playing games with my boy nick uh nate he she was like oh it looks really hot right now yeah yeah i think this is a spoiler alert i'm sorry for everybody waiting for this at the end but it's happening now when lisa is like yeah you know i really like him you know our vibes haven't changed he's a wonderful guy but
I'm really in love with my profession of chefery. So I just, I just don't have room in my heart for both. What the fuck? It's intense doing what she does. You've got to commit fully. You have to fully decide you want to commit to the life of yachting and the job that she's training for. And you can't, you can't, you don't have time for love.
don't you I mean I think every chef I've ever known fucks you really committed to that I was like is that true no no that's not true at all everything I'm like wait a minute try it out girl learned a shift and not if she's out there worrying about penises no the lie the the truth was he just started she didn't want to hear things like smoochies and stuff like that yeah he kept saying weird shit do you think that happens when people become parents where
You're like, oh, God, yeah, I'm with a man. I'm with this man. And then you have a baby. He's like, oh, we make a little poopoo. And you're just like, oh, I lost. I lost my lust for you because of how you treated our child making baby faces. You were too cutesy with our child. You disgusting pig. Alicia can never have children with a man. She's going to be like, oh, you want to give daddy a smoochie before bed? Oh, that's disgusting. Ick.
I've got to go learn my craft more now. She said she was learning a shiver nod and she was banging other guys at the bar. Also, I love how Nate, like everybody was like, oh, he said he's going to cry really hard. He's so emotional. But Nate seemed like he was like, yeah, it's okay. Like he seemed okay with her being like not into him all of a sudden. Well, I think Nate has had a lot of experience of being dumped.
Didn't it seem like that? Yeah. Where he's put like a, he's put a happy smile on no matter what, like he's a tragic clown. He's used to it. And when he left with all that back packing gear, you know, like he's,
carrie's he's just one of those guys he's a water hog this morning you know i think that everyone thinks those guys are so cute and then they wake up next to one and they're like why are you kind of smelly still did you take a shower yesterday and they're gone sun's almost up in an hour we better get hiking get the out of my house sir he's a wanderer he's a guy that's familiar with the phrase walkabout he's like go down the walkabout yeah so i think he's he's used to being left
So let's see. So he stays with the tender and then we get our first real land animal montage. So I think we should bring in.
The Fish Report. The Fish Report. The Fish Report. All right, Ryan. So this is where we judge fish. Now, we've judged a lot of these fish already. So I took out some of the copies because I'm sick of looking at their same dresses. So we're going to mix in some of the other animals today. Let's see what we've got. First, we've got this turtle. This is the biggest attention hog of the season, this turtle. Is that Sheena? Corner. That's a beautiful turtle.
That's a beautiful turtle. Welcome to TV in under seven minutes. And then you're like, okay, I'm free of that thirsty turtle. They finally gave it its last scene. And then look what we get again. The turtle again. The turtle's like, hey, everybody, I don't like Lisa Vanderpump now. Please follow me. Oh, good as gold. Because you're good as gold.
I was giving you the rest. Oh, sorry. No, I was just, I was waiting for that. I'm sure the audience is singing along. So I was letting the audience. I thought you were doing the good. So then we get to this. We, we talk about the stingrays a lot. I just think that this one is the dots are so well proportioned on this one. Oh, you know, the CGI in this is amazing. The dots are, I mean, this is avatar level. I,
I mean, it really is a beauty to like, I mean, do you think they get, it's like, is this second unit that films this stuff? Like, are they like, holy, I got an amazing stingray this morning. Cause it is. I think it is. I think they have real cinematographers who just have this job and they take themselves very seriously. Probably. They're like, hello, what if let's discuss our shots for the day? Why don't let's go storyboard up there. What is the stingray feeling today? Yeah.
Or is it just like, oh my God, guys, I've got my eye on a turtle right now. I whip my camera out as quick as I could. I've got the turtle. I've got the sea turtle. Guys, it's glorious. This is glorious. It's like Twister. Helen Hunt's like running...
running to the tender. She's like, get me over there, stat! There's a Bill Paxton on the second unit filming it, like, conditions are poor, but we will get the shot, sir! All right, we do see a Stingray. No, not that Stingray, the one with the perfect heart-shaped ass. Where are you?
I told Ronnie, I said, listen, I love these interstitials so much. They need them on other Bravo shows. Like if you were watching the Valley and all of a sudden they just started like doing like an aquarium with like fish, you would just like every time there's an intense like Jack's Britney scene. And then all of a sudden you see like a land shark and beautiful like
You know, just fish in the ocean. I think it would really calm the show down. I think that would work, except instead of fish, I think it should be like the locals to that show, right? So the fish are the locals to this show. So on that one, it would be like, okay, everything's going on. And it would be like a study of like a tent city under the freeway. Just like the gorgeous pattern tent. Or like...
Angeline, you know, Angeline didn't t-shirts out of her pink car. If on the Valley interstitials was just Angeline shots of like people parking next to her, like you always end up parking next to Angeline in like Ralph's grocery store. And by the way, I, one time Angela's quick Angeline is like an icon. If you don't know who she is, you've seen her before at some point or some image, uh,
But she sued future Erica Jane, for those of you who don't know. She married some billionaire dude or millionaire. I don't know back then what it was. And she just she wasn't really famous and she wanted to be. So she had him buy billboards of her all over town that just said, Angeline. And then she's like, looks like Erica Jane. And she would just be. And she drives a pink. She drives a pink Corvette everywhere. And she's very mysterious. She's much, much older now. But she was at like this show at UCB years and years ago.
and you could like enter to like win uh to drive around with angeline and i put my name in and i got a call
a couple days later saying that I won. And then I realized that everybody wins because like it, you know, you can take this drive with Angeline, but then you have to buy merch from her and you have to buy over like $150 of merch. And I was like, oh, so, and I was like, wow. But by the way, that is kind of what I feel like future reality stars that will eventually go off of Bravo. They will end up taking you on rides, you know,
in their car through Los Angeles trying to sell you merchandise. That is the future. Shit, if I had people who wanted to do it, I'd do it tomorrow. I'd do it right now. Ronnie, so many... Oh, my God. You could sell rides on your Vespa. You could sell rides on your Vespa tomorrow. People would be like, I'm riding with Ronnie Caram on a Vespa today. Oh, my God. Angeline, one time I saw her out. I was out with a girlfriend of mine, and she's like, oh, my God, it's Angeline. And I said, really? Angeline? She's like, yeah, I want to go say hi. I was like, all right. So...
We go over and she's like, oh my God, Angeline, I love you. Would you sign my, you know, I have a piece of paper in my pocket. Would you sign it? And she goes, no, but if you got 20 bucks, I'll sign it. Yep. Yes. Yes.
That I took a picture with Angeline and it cost me 20 bucks. Yeah, my friend was crushed. She was like, I can't believe Angeline is like that. I can't believe she's in it for the money. She's just in it for the money. I can't believe a woman who just bought billboards of herself all over town is only in it for the money. Well, we've made the valley less dark. We're bringing Angeline on for interstitials. Angeline should join the valley.
Brittany needs somebody to talk to. They start doing stunt casting and Brittany's like, he's just so mean to me. And she's just like, give me $20 and I'll talk. Yeah. I'll give you advice if you give me $20 on you.
All right. So that is the stingray. And then we go to. Sorry, guys. My bad. No, don't be sorry. Listen, it's finale. We can talk about whatever we want. Nothing. There's some Laura and Serena stuff. That's all anybody's here for. There's the whole dish debacle. I mean, the plating situation. I was almost having a heart attack during. Yeah, that's bad. So I just wanted to show you this fish. What do you think of this fish outfit?
I love is this like this is like going this fish is like going to the sphere to see the dead. This is amazing. This is this fish is on drugs for sure. And just mixing and matching all sorts of patterns and face makeup. Like I know I'm like really cold hearted and I've turned that way through talking about Bravo for these last five years. But this actually is beautiful, Ronnie. Like if you really look at this, I think this is a beautiful fish.
This is a pretty fish. I think that this fish has too much attitude, and I really would have appreciated some more. They're like, well, I'm not going to match on purpose because I'm rich. You know how rich people dress. They're like, I'm going to dress stupid on purpose. Well, you can tell the fish has rich parents. You can tell. For sure. Yeah, this is a fish of privilege. So I resent it. Okay, so let's go to this next one. Okay.
This is a land animal because we've run out of fish we haven't talked about. This is just a little squawky bird that's acting like it's about to die. But it was the one who chose to land on a boy. So...
Wow. Do you think they realized, like, do they sign a release this bird? Like, is there an NDA at all? Yes, this is a thirsty bird. They tell their other friends, like, oh my God, I'm on the season finale of Below Deck. If you can catch it, it's on Peacock as well. It's on their Facebook. You guys. Yeah.
I know I haven't said anything in a while, but I'm still here. And this weekend, you can get this week. You can catch me on below deck down under you guys. I can't say what happened today, but something crazy. I will be updating my socials, but let's just say you might be seeing me on the screen very soon. That's all I can say.
Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised that animals are that thirsty like humans now and just like befriend Sheena and move to their town so they can eventually get on their show. This is like the Janet of birds. Like, look at this bird. The secret lives of Mormon birds. Because look how dramatic it's being. It's like, I'm going to land on the boy and then scream and cry that I'm starving and no one's feeding. That's what it is. Yeah, by the way, the bird is screaming, trying to get a line. Like, I have a line. Yeah.
Lime. Slougham. Lime. There's no business like show business. By the way, please come to my cabaret. I'll be doing it next week. Can we talk about my cabaret, please? I love her. She's like, I got to keep working out, Jeff, because I do cabaret.
Girl, Sonya does cabaret. She doesn't have to work out. Yeah, Sonya does not work out. Okay, so let's see. So then we get a bat. Okay, what do you think of bats? Look at this bat, how cute it is.
I, yeah, I mean, listen, I'm a huge Batman fan. That's not even a joke. I just actually am. It's like the one straight thing about me. And, uh, but yeah, the bat looks majestic. I love like the bat looks like it's wearing a leather jacket. Like their wings are awesome. And look, it's grooming itself. Like we catch it grooming. It's like, when am I not grooming myself? Try and get a shot of me. Not, not grooming myself. That's why I'm fucking fabulous. Yeah.
maybe you should be taking care of yourself yeah take note take note but yeah the leather jacket looks so good on it it's so well maintained the coloring on the hair the hair looks so clean i mean i always thought bats were like dirty and like crusty but not this one is like fuzzy and cute just you can tell you can tell this bat saw chas dean the hair is so majestic
Speaking of West Hollywood billboards, it's like, yeah. Angeline and Chaz. Is Chaz Dean the male version of Angeline? Yeah.
This bat is going to sue later. Like, hey, wait a minute. That shampoo really did something to me. Like, wait a minute, bat. When will this go down? I look like Wes Wilson on Summer House. Wes wishes. Oh, also, what are these? I didn't know bats had five fingers. One, two, three, four, five.
Wow. I didn't know that about bats. Did you? No, I had no clue. This is huge. That's impressive. And also goal weight. I've always wanted to just hang upside down like that. I couldn't do it. Oh my God. I can't. I wish I could hang upside down. I've never been able to do a pull-up in my life. No, I can't. Have you ever done a pull-up? And you know, I used to back in the day, you know, because I'm like sometimes 400 pounds and sometimes 190 pounds. Same. I always saw I'm the Luther Vandross of podcasting. Yeah.
I really am too. I've gained, I've lost and gained. So when we first started this, I over, over the years gained like 250 pounds and then I lost it and then I gained it again. And then now I lost, I'm like, I'm crazy. So yeah, I get the going up and down. So I used to do pull-ups and then I just bought a pull-up bar again. Girl, I cannot do one pull-up. Not even as far as, wait, you went as far as to buy a pull-up bar?
Yeah. Like you, you believed in yourself that much that you're like, I will, I'm going to do this. Like you used to do that. I used to, I got up to 20 a day. Oh my God. Ronnie, what are you? Are you, are you juicing? No, no. Oh my God. I wish vodka. Just Tito's Tito's and pull ups. No, I can't do that. Anabolic Tito's. Yeah.
I can't do that. I'm just hanging my like latest old navies on there. That's all. Oh, dude, my my legs are like tree trunks and it's like the heaviest part of my body. So like if I just if I could cut myself off at the waist, I know I would be able to do a pull up. It's the legs. They weigh me down completely. It's like it's. Yeah. Anyways, they say you just have to keep pulling.
And I do. It's just not the bar. OK, so then we have this little we've got this little crab thing. I feel like crabs get more attention than they should. Do you think it's because they can walk sideways? Yeah, I mean, Ronnie, I'm going to say I do think it's because they can walk sideways. Like it's a huge feature that not a lot of I think animals have. It's a it's a show off move. And I think it works for crabs. And also they're delicious. And I think they get a lot of attention for that.
Yeah, but do they ever walk front ways or do they only walk sideways? Because I only see them walking sideways. By the way, this is when you really miss the presence of Ben because I think Ben would really know this. Yeah, Ben probably would know this. He'd know what college that thing went to. He'd be like, that, that, crab, crab.
Went to Dartmouth. I know that crap. Okay, so let's say, hi, Ben. Ben's not listening to this. This is the look Ben gave me right now after saying that. This bird just looked right at the camera like, what the fuck? I'm never traveling again. Yeah, I travel one time and you make a Dartmouth joke to a crap. So I don't know what kind of fish this is, but I love an attitudey bird.
Yeah. I mean, it's not a fish, it's a bird. That kind of bird neck. If you had that kind of elongated neck, you could do so many cool just attitude moves with it. And I think this bird is showing that. It is. Look at the neck. It's like rolling its neck. Look. I love that you guys feature this because in some ways it's more exciting than certain cast members on this show. Yes. This is basically every look that Lara gives to Serena in this episode.
Dude, I told you, I watched all the episodes. I was like, Laura, what is going on? Like, and you, didn't you guys just have Serena on? We did. Serena came on last week and spilled a little bit on this whole situation. This just sounds like a nightmare. Yeah. Dealing with that. Yeah. Dealing with that person. So then look, here we have a turtle. This turtle is so gorgeous. I love this turtle's eyes. This is the hottest turtle we've had on here.
Oh, so you're actually attracted to the turtle. You think it's hot? No, not like sexually, but it's like a hot turtle. Like I think in the turtle world, this is a hot turtle. Like look at the shape of the eyes. It looks like it has like the cat eyes, but they're just natural. Gorgeous. Well, to me, I see a lot of wisdom here. I think this is a wise turtle. I mean, this is a turtle that's been around the block. People go to for advice can really set you straight. But like a turtle, a few words as well. Yeah. Well, yeah, it'll choke.
But yeah, so then we go to and now it's eating. It's like, OK, you're looking at me. Let me eat dramatically. Look at the power of my eating. Yes. So now we get to is this a basic goldfish dish?
What did they do? What did they just sneak in some goldfish from Petco? They're just like, we didn't have any more footage. We had to go to Petco and get some just things in aquariums. Helen Hunt didn't get here in time to catch a perfect stingray. So we got the little fish that we won at that child's birthday party a couple of weeks ago.
There's a little, but there's a little vibe of like a 2001 baby, you know, like the baby in utero. Like the coloring of it, it's, am I just? Right. No, I see what you're saying. Like it's not fully, the skin isn't fully formed yet. Yeah, it feels not developed. Yeah. Like this season. Like it's kicking against the womb right now. It's like, let me out of here. I fucking hate it in here. Stop drinking wine. I know. You think I won't be able to tell people? I will remember this. I will.
You don't have enough plates for a seven course dinner. What are you crazy? I love that it took us till the season finale to find out they don't have enough forks. All right. So that was the fish report. Who's your favorite? We've got basic goldfish. We've got hot turtle. We've got Laura, the bird. We've got sideways walking crab. We've got fabulous leather, leathered bat. We've got a squawky victim bird and a rave fish.
And Stingray will say you. Listen, this is going to sound like it because it's bat. It's got to be bat.
I think it's the bat, too. That's a fabulous bat. I love a well-groomed, beautifully leathered bat. Congratulations, bat. You actually won the fish report, and you're not even a fish. Bravo. If you're listening, spin off for this bat. Come on, Lindsay Hubbard. This bat, we put them together. Roni, come on. Andy's like, I will not put Lindsay Hubbard on Real Housewives of New York, but I will put her on that bat show.
Yeah. John Hill, did you see the bat on below deck? Amazing stuff they're doing over there. John Hill's like, yeah, I goon to it. Okay, so here we go.
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So we go back to the boat, everybody. Okay, so Aussie is still stuck. Nate is still stuck on the beach. He's on the mountain of Shime. He just wants forgiveness. So now we're getting to the good part. Laura goes to the galley and she asks for the plan for dinner tonight. And she's like, how many courses are there? And she's like, but they wanted seven courses. She's like, seven. That's tricky up top, you know? Oh, really? Do you think it's tricky? Yeah.
Carrying up seven dishes. How do you think it is making fucking 49 dishes or whatever they're going to be making? Yeah. Ma'am.
This, Laura, I mean, I was shocked because the guest specifically said seven courses and the fact that this is even a conversation. And you're right. The fact that we're finding out in the last episode, if you're worried about plates, I mean, we're replacing deck members every couple of weeks. You don't think anybody can bring plates with them if that truly is an issue? It's crazy. Yeah.
And Laura just wants to have a bug up her butt about Serena. Like she, even though they made up last episode, it is so glaringly obvious. I don't know. There's like a jealousy slash hatred and this does not need to exist at all. And the fact if she really cares about her job, it would be, yeah, of course we're doing seven courses. That's what they asked for. End of story. Like she's going to make Serena go up and talk to the guests.
This is crazy. So she says, yeah, it's tricky up top. You know, we've only got two sets of cutlery. Well, every course is at least every meal is at least three courses. So if you didn't have enough cutlery for even that, why didn't you order some? That's literally your job. I can't. And I'm just on the cutlery. I haven't even gotten to the other parts. But like, girl, you don't know how much you don't have enough cutlery to do three courses.
We've never worked on a boat. And I know about the cutlery. I mean, like, I would know immediately, like, Captain Jason, we're really looking at an issue here. Like, this is like Titanic level emergency. We're going to run out of forks. She's the one in charge of ordering for the restaurant supply. Get some more cutlery, for Christ's sake. Okay, so then she's like, well, you know, we don't have enough cutlery, so we'll have to wash it. I mean, did they specifically ask for seven? She's like,
Yeah, could you roll the clip? So they roll the clip of them all being there in the meeting and seven courses was announced. And Laura does not say in front of Jason, that's going to be too difficult for us. She waits so she can try and pin it on Serena later. This is so low level bullshit that I'm like, why? And also, you know, the cameras are on you. You know, you keep saying about like the customer is key, you know, like excellence and service.
that this would be the thing, the hill that you want to die on. And the fact like you would almost be wanting the guests of like, keep your silverware for each course. Just keep your silverware. Like it's ridiculous. And Serena looked like she didn't like Serena, like took it like a champ, but she also was like, what the hell is going on here? Like Laura just is not like Serena this season at all.
Yeah, I think Laura decided she wasn't going to make up a Serena. She didn't like that. So she's going to try and trigger Serena into having some kind of breakdown and making her look stupid. Because she's like, well, I don't want to do seven courses, so why don't you go talk to him about it? So she's going to make her look stupid already, because she's going to make the chef go tell the guests they can't have seven courses, which, of course, they're going to complain to the captain, and the captain's going to, you know, it's glaringly obvious what she's trying to do. But instead of having a fit, Serena's like, okay, I'll go talk to the guests. Like, I don't know how I
I'm gonna get out of that. I don't want it to make it look like I'm lazy, but I mean, I guess, and Laura's like, well, just tell them it's too much. Ask if seven is too many. I mean, do they really need seven? They hardly eat.
So she's like, okay, well, so she goes down and she's smart because she shows Lara. And of course, Lara follows her down there to pretend she's drawing a fucking glass or something so she can eavesdrop. But she does it so that she looks like she's giving Lara her way. But then she's not really at all. She's like, seven courses. Wonderful. Would you like to have extra folks with that? Yeah.
If you're a guest on this charter, like, would you – you've already – you already saw, like, the tender get, like, you know, almost wrecked.
um, the stabilizers are not stabilizing. People are throwing up. And then somebody literally asked you, you know, that thing you specified that you wanted specifically, what if we did not do that? Would you be okay with it? Like, it's just, to me, that's unheard of. Like that's laughable. That's mind boggling. And Laura has had some decent points through the season. Like, I don't think she's always been wrong about every single thing, but this is kind of
the worst look and it's a horrible way to end the season for her because she has no leg to stand on like what a dumb ass oh my god captain jason wasn't there for that scene when he watches these back do you think he's is he like blimey like is he upset when he's like i can't believe that happened on my watch i think he knows what she's like because remember the last episode when he was like all right we should have a talk because you keep making the little comments so obviously
He's like, I'm not a fucking idiot. Like, so just say what you have to say. So I think he knows who he's dealing with and he's just like, whatever.
He's a Jedi. I just won't hire her again. I don't see her ever getting hired. Because sometimes it's fun when you have a personality that's like, you know, like snarky and sarcastic. I mean, obviously you've got Kate Chastain, the queen of this show. So you've got her and you've got like Hannah's and people like that. You can get away with it. Yeah. Well, Asia's not really snarky, but you know, you've got people who can kind of get away with that snarkiness. And this girl just can't because she also sucks. Like,
I will say, though, Asia through the years like this, like Asia's developing a very fun snark, like a very really beautiful snark. Like there is like it's a really like it's a snark that everybody can appreciate, but it is definitely there. And it's like, I can't wait to see that crystallize over the next couple of years.
Well, she's definitely not taking anybody's shit anymore, which is nice. Because she used to just be like, oh my God, are you mad at me? Are you mad at me? I'll do all the dishes myself. I'll clean them with my tongue. I'll clean them with my tongue. And now she's like, no, I don't want to do it. Love it. Yeah, so we go back to Lara. Lara's spying on Serena. And Serena's like, all right, you're going to have seven. And one of the ladies is like, well, is this going to be like all night if we do seven? So it sounds like she might do it.
get out of it. Serena could have been like, okay, well, we can do less. But instead she was like, all right, well, why don't we just make smaller portions then for that? And I was like, yes, go get them.
Listen, we could have doubled up some of that. Did you see that? I mean, the dish was beautiful, but the asparagus with the salmon and asparagus. Yeah. It was one big asparagus, you guys. Like, come on. Like, we might be. Now I'm going to go the other way. We might be abusing plates that we have. Like, we are not using these plates to full effect. And by the way, as a guest, I'd be upset. I'd be.
I'd be like, oh, is there going to be leftovers later? Because one asparagus, and it looked beautiful. Like, it really looked like a well-cooked asparagus. But still, just one per plate? There's so much more geography on that plate not being used. Yeah. Oh, don't forget the roe. There was also, you know, the fish eggs. Sorry. My bad. The fish eggs on top of the asparagus. Yeah. It was beautiful. Yeah.
Yeah, agreed. So she's talking to the guys. She's like, okay, well, we could do smaller portions. And she's like, and also, I won't feel mad if you don't want to finish a dish. And also, if you've got a piece of silver and you don't like it, throw it on the ground. We'll wash it. Someone will wash it. Don't worry about that. So Laura's pissed now because she's kind of heard what's going on. And she's like, this woman is unhinged. You're fucking unhinged. I cannot believe you. I cannot believe the goal of you.
So she's like, well, this is the most difficult decision
thing of the season, we don't have enough plates, which puts more pressure on me and my department. I'm going to bite Serena's head off. Then order more plates. You are just highlighting on how much you suck at your job at this point. I feel like before now, everybody's been able to say, well, Laura does a pretty good job and she works. You're really highlighting that you kind of suck right now, ma'am. And highlighting that I think she is just, I mean, making Serena's life very, very difficult on purpose in some ways. Mm-hmm.
Yeah, agreed. So now they've got to get dinner ready. Okay. And then one of the guests is like, wow, do you think you guys think I could do this job? I don't know. This looks like a hard job. And his wife goes, honey, you have gout. Gout.
Dude, I wrote that down. That was like the, cause they didn't really focus on the passengers too much, but it was like, no honey, you have gout. It was like the perfectly delivered line. It was truly, by the way, do you, I mean, I do sometimes think like, could I do any of, could I even do the, the serving of the food? Like what job would you be good at on below deck? Well, I've been a waiter for a long time, so I could do that one. And I mean, I could probably learn some of the cleaning stuff. The cleaning stuff is harder than it looks, right?
For sure. Do you think they let you listen? Do you think they let you listen to like, can you put like one AirPod in while you work? Like that's what I keep when I watch that show. I'm always like, could I listen to my audio books while I clean? Like that's what that's the stuff I think about watching these shows is like, oh, can I listen to a podcast while I clean? That would make it easier. I'm already trying to get out of ways to trying to make it easier on me. I don't think there's any job now in current days where people don't listen to their podcast.
music or something. I feel like even when you like call the bank, they're like, hello, hold on. Press one for Spanish, two for English, three if you think Adnan really did it. Okay. I'm just kidding. Okay. Hold on. Because you know, Captain Sandy wouldn't let you have an AirPod in. She'd see that. She wouldn't want you to be having a good time like that.
Well, you'd have to come to her with the right way. You'd have to be like, Captain Sandy, I found this device. It needs to be hugged. And I feel like my ear could hug it really well if I just stuck it right in there. She'd be like, oh, my God, let your ear hug that thing. She goes, 20 years ago, I'll tell you a story. I needed a hug, okay? I'll tell you that story. And it really changed my life. And now I'm here. So, of course, wear that AirPod. Wear it proudly. I love it. I was on a cruise. You know, we were doing a yacht trip through Iraq during Desert Storm.
And the terrorists were trying to get on board. And I said, come here. I hugged every last one of them until they just jumped into the sea. That's what they needed. I mean, diplomacy go out the window. Have you tried to hug them? Have you tried to hug these weirdos? Have you? Because that's what they needed. We're friends to this day. They call me Sandy. I don't even make them call me Captain.
They're not even called terrorists anymore. Now they're called huggerists. They're called friends. That's what they're called. They're called friends. They still wear vests, but their vests are made of hugs. Oh, yeah. No, I mean, on the street, they call it a suicide vest. But no, it's a hug vest. That's what it is. It's a hug aside.
So this poor Nate is still stuck on the beach, which is hilarious. They do keep cutting to him, like looking frustrated. Then you can see that his skin's getting redder. Like it's just like the sun's really setting in. And finally, some really nice random guys are like, your boat looks stuck. And he's like, it is stuck, mate. And they're like, all right, we'll do it. And so these big hot men just get out and push the boat out.
It was very Zoolander for a second. Cause then I would, that part of me was like, are they going to like, I was like hoping that they were going to steal the Tinder of like, we've got it, we've got it. And then just steal the Tinder. And then, cause I was like, this can't be the season finale fighting over plates. I was like, there's gotta be something more. Like, like I kept looking for a storyline that just wasn't going to exist. Yeah.
If they rode that 10, if they drove that away, I would root for them because honestly, like you come to some dumb ass who's gotten stuck in the sand. Like, yeah, I'm taking your tender mate. Sorry, buddy. All right. So, uh, Nate comes back and Jason's being very stern and he's like, Oh, I'm just listening. I'm so sorry. And he's like, that could have been held to pay. He's like, I'm just bashful. My mistake. Want a smoochies? And he's like, do you bounce back?
But it only happens once. You'll never feel so stupid again. I hope you never forget how they laughed at you on that beach. Now, take some pictures in this kimono for my Insta. I'll tag you. I thought he was going to get nasty and he was like, you learned something. You did it. You learned. You'll never do it again.
I love you. Like it was so, I was like, okay. I was like that, but I feel like they do respect captain Jason, but I just, I would like to see him like lose it, lose it.
Yeah, he was kind of hands-off for most of the season. But then when he does need to come in, he's like, you're fired, you're fired, you're fired, you're fired, you're fired as well. Everybody leave. All right, good luck, everybody. Yeah. He got upset when that jet ski capsized. He's like, this is a $20,000 jet ski. But he still didn't even give that guy who...
put out the leaky jet ski he didn't even give that guy the the disco helmet i'm never gonna forgive captain j you know i hold on to petty things but i'm like how did you not give vihan the disco helmet the disco helmet what uh like what i mean just ruling this disco helmet over everybody's heads like this and people get real like people live or die over this disco helmet like we i mean the lore of the disco helmet and the fact that it is such a big deal i loved it
Yeah, it's a huge thing here. Oh my God, how it traumatized Laura last week. And then she didn't even wear it. She never wore the disco helmet and she never got called out on it either. You know, there are certain things I need to be fixed on this show. Like call Laura out. Call her out. And by the way, that's just, I mean, to jump ahead, Serena gets the disco helmet and she loves it. She's been asking for it all season. And that's the difference between Serena and Laura is that Serena is wearing it proudly. She wants the disco helmet where Laura thinks it's like an assault on her character.
Yeah, a sense of humor about yourself, people. Come on! Congratulations, you've reached the end of part one of a two-part recap! For part two, go look for the recap that says, part two. See you over there, suckas. Watch what crappins would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Alison King. It's always a party on Alison Block. Our way is the Amber Way.
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