#2865 The Valley S2E07 Part One The Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing w Guest Lara Schoenhals
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Well, hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens. I'm Ronnie. Ben's out of town this week. Sucka. He's in Norway. So today I'm with one of our...

Long time besties who I haven't spent time with in a while, so I'm super to have her, super excited to have her here, Miss Lars Jane Halls from the Sexy Unique Podcast. Hello, Lars. Hello.

Hello. Thank you for having me. I'm jealous of Ben, by the way. Norway, my God. Norway, it's amazing. He's on like a foodie tour. He follows some lady on Instagram and he loves her food. And she's like, I'm having food tour. I don't know if she talks like that, but I imagine that she's like, we're having a jam tour in Norway. A Norwegian food tour. It's like salted cod. Yes. I'm thinking like salted cod and jams.

And not a lot of bread or like really hard bread. Do they have good bread in Norway? I don't know. I actually haven't heard much about Norwegian food. And I feel like my big touchstone is like maybe Norwegian, like fashion bloggers or something. And I don't think eating is their main thing. Bread's probably not on the top of their list. Bread ain't on the menu. So I can't speak to their dietary preferences, but happy for him. Yeah.

I'm so happy for him. He looks like he's having a great time. And guess what? So am I. So, Krappens has two final shows on our Mounting Hysteria Tour. One in Seattle on June 12th, and then the following week, June 19th, here in Los Angeles. Also, for SUP, Sex Unique Podcast with Keri, tell Keri hi. That was for not coming. Tell him he's a was for not coming.

I love that guy. Check out their podcast, obviously, wherever you get podcasts and also their Patreon where they will be doing and just like that. When does that start this week?

So the first episode drops tonight at midnight, and then our recaps are going to be out on Saturdays. Love that for you guys. And you've done all of it, right? You guys have been doing that. Yeah, we've covered the first two seasons, and now we're in season three, and I'm excited to see what's around the corner for our ladies. Okay.

All right. So tell me, before we get into this Valley recap, what are your general thoughts? Because I haven't talked to you on here, at least, since this has even been on the air, which is crazy. That is crazy. What are your overarching thoughts? Okay.

I am happy to get a Vanderpump Rules spinoff slash anything, any way I can take it. So I'm bullish on the ballet. It makes me laugh. And there are certain characters that make me, give me the chuckles. They make me feel something.

I am liking it. I don't think it's like, it's nowhere near kind of seasons one through six of Vanderpump rules, the glory days, but it still is doing something for me. No, I will never have that again. It was Camelot and now it's over. Yeah. So I'm open. My heart is open and I've really opened my home to these people, my spirit to these people and for better or worse, we're on

on the ride with them. Opened up the rage gate again, too, at least on my end. I mean, here we've got Jax again. And we're like, oh my God, I can't believe Jax is on TV. What did you think was going to happen? Like, what didn't anybody think was going to happen? You put Jax back on the TV.

Yeah, I think it's better to have eyes on him and be keeping tabs on him via a TV show than the alternative where he's just like left his own devices. Like, I actually think we're all safer if he is on TV. That's a good point. Yeah, that's a good point. It's like the nanny state.

He's just such a liar, too, that it kind of is now pure comedy. Anything he says is a lie. So to see him doing his rehab diaries and faking like he's a good dad and even like the merch that he wears, like he wore a shirt in this episode that said tired dad on it.

As though he's ever done any sort of significant fatherly thing in his entire life. I'm obsessed with the grift that he thinks he's pulling off. In the same episode, he's literally stealing money from his child. He's like, tired dad, wah.

And his dark dye on his eyebrows now, he's got like the aging LA guy thing where he's like, I'm just going to have jet black eyebrows. And then he's going to wear his bar cap in his rehab diary. Yeah. Girl. I know you can always tell like where his mental health and sobriety is at based on how much Jax's Studio City merch he's wearing. So when it's like a shirt and a hat, he's fully coked out his mind.

And when it's just the hat, it's like he might have just, you know, cheeked a painkiller at rehab. We have to just accept he's never getting sober. He's never going to be a good father. He's always going to be like pretty abusive to his mother of his child. And once you can get...

that then and realize that it is safer if we have eyes on him, then you're going to have a great time with yourself. Yeah. It's going to be hard for you. Yeah. I would think it's like being in a relationship with Jax himself where you just really have to learn to disassociate, you know, like you really have to learn to compartmentalize and just know what you're getting that day. You know?

I know. And then-- but if you're Britney, I mean, you can't even-- I think she was trying to dissociate by taking shots, but she couldn't even have that. He was on her case 24/7 about all her shots and her GERD. -So there's just no-- - I know.

-There's not a lot of winning. - Talk about hiding. Talk about hiding your shots. That's like a big thing this year is like hiding your shots. I'm like, "Wasn't Britney like in a closet literally hiding her shots last year 'cause Jax was following her around screaming what a drunk she was on TV?" Allegedly, she was hiding, but then it's like,

you see the clips from last season and he's asking everyone how did she take shots on the boat and they go no and then he goes you're drunk you're wasted to her and it's like her friends just said no

So, like, what's true? There's no truth with Zach. There's no truth with them. Yeah, there's no truth. There's no truth. Yeah. Well, all right, let's get into this season. So, Melissa and Jasmine are driving, and Jasmine really needs to get this off her chest with Jason. So, what are you thinking, or with Danny, what are you thinking of this Jasmine and Danny kerfluff relationship?

Um, I think that what Danny did is disgusting. And I do think that he likely has a drinking problem. He's like going to the dark side when he drinks and then glugging in a broom closet. Um, yeah, I don't think it's good for him. But then he's moving to Santa Clarita when he's sober. So like, which do you choose? I know that's not going to do much for his drinking. It's not.

I think you moved to Santa Clarita and you've decided you're drinking at home. You're drinking alone at home. But yeah, I agree with you about the Jasmine Danny thing. I think that he could have a drinking problem. I guess my issue with the whole thing is these people coming at somebody for having a drinking problem.

It bugs me. Yeah. I mean, everyone does on that show. Yeah, everyone does on that show. And I just don't know that I've ever commented my friends for having a drinking problem, even when they do. Like, I've had the conversation like, oh, you need to throw up in cars a little bit less when we go out. Or like, you can't just drop drinks on the ground.

and gay bars and expect me to keep taking you. Like, you have to behave yourself, you know? This place already smells like sperm and socks. It doesn't need your added Cosmo on the ground, ma'am. You know, like, I've had those conversations, but I don't think I've ever been like, oh, my God, you're sneaking drinks? We need to have a discussion.

I just would talk shit about them to other friends, like a normal person. Exactly. But having the discussion of like, "You can't be grabbing my ass and having me call you daddy," along with my girlfriend, that's separate. So I'm going to separate that out of my-- Yeah, if someone was groping me or like a friend's husband was groping me, there would be a whole other discussion. Yeah, that would definitely be a discussion. For sure.

Okay, so Melissa and Jasmine are talking and they're going to LAX to pick up Zach, which is another thing I don't feel like real friends make each other do. Do you make your friends come pick you up from LAX? Absolutely not. I wouldn't even make an enemy come and pick me up from LAX. I wouldn't either. It's a no-fly zone. Like, it's one of the worst places in all of America. Truly. That's a lot. And it's very far. People don't understand how far it is. It's very far.

two hours minimum of an errand to run for the pickup person. So like you're going to drive down there for an hour, drive back home for an hour. Maybe I don't even like pick up my mom from LAX. No, girl, I'll send a Venmo before I send a car. Oh yeah, I'll get her a car. Like I will, I have gotten family members cars. Like I'd actually rather die than pick anyone up from LAX. Burbank or bust, baby. I'll go to Burbank, but that's it.

Okay, so they're picking up Zach, and Jasmine's like, yeah, yeah, it's true love. It's true love with Zach. Because I literally wouldn't do this for anybody else. So they go get him, and he's like, oh my gosh, you guys. But first they have this discussion about Danny and Nia, and Jasmine's kind of on the fence now because she was kind of going hard with the Danny thing. But then Kristen and Luke were like, what's the big deal? I mean, calm down. Yeah.

we all drink what kristen also has like a bottle of wine in her hands at all times like in santa barbara every time it cut to her she was also glugging so i also enjoy how kristen is now her best friends in the entire world are danny and nia she has no one else you know i know she's died for them yeah she's like we've been to war together

We are literally war buddies. They're like, we've talked to you three times. I know. But Kristen doesn't have anybody else after last year. So she's like, you know what? I'm going to Nia it up. Because do you think she ever would have hung out with someone like Nia before? Like a beauty queen? Like a prim and proper beauty queen? I don't really see that happening.

No. I mean, the closest that she had to a beauty queen was Britney. But as Britney said in the after show, she was like, not beauty, but pageants were more state fairs. Right.

They were like the state carnivals. Yeah. I was competing alongside, you know, there were literal pigs in the competition. There were heifers in competition. It's like the pig competition next to the next to the tent or whatever. I grew up in Texas. I've been to plenty of county fair. Lots of ribbons.

So, yeah, so they're talking about this. Oh, and also I like that Kristen's a folk hero now. What do you think about that? Like, did you ever see the evolution of Kristen becoming like a national American? Like America loves Kristen now. Like, oh my God, Kristen's a saint. Kristen's comeback, yeah, is pretty incredible. Just knowing where she started and how far she fell and to see her change.

back in the public's good graces, I'm happy for her because she needs this. Like, I don't think that Kristen Doty is someone to pivot to like real estate if everything falls apart. You know what I mean? Even the bus bench would move. It would be like, call Kristen for real estate.

We need her on television and she needs to be on television. So I'm happy. I liked, there was a moment in the after show too, where she described herself as a social justice warrior. And I was like, that's interesting. I would disagree. I would disagree with that. Just blatantly. I would disagree based on the facts, but like, yeah,

You say it's your life. I'll support you. I'll support you in your decision, even if I don't see where the fuck you're coming from, Kristen. I would need her on TV all the time, too. I kind of miss the waiting tables, Kristen. I would kind of like a new version of Alice, you know, that old TV show where they were like waitresses in the diner. Did you ever see that? You're too young for that. Yeah.

But it was when I was a kid. And yeah, it was just waitress's in this really run down diner. And they were just like sad and poor, you know. And I'd like to see that for Kristen working at like, what was that old diner here? Like Joanne's or Joanne's? Joanne's or Depar's. Yeah, something like that. Like just see Kristen in like a full hairnet, you know, just still trying to make it work. Like three kids at home. She's diner energy for sure. I would love that.

So now they come get Zach from LAX and he's like, "For the last week I've been on a road trip from Texas to Kentucky with my on-again off-again boyfriend Benji." How do you feel about Benji? Do you think that Benji and Zach are real or that Benji is using his citizenship status to possibly dump Zach at any moment?

I was even taking it a step further this week, and I was like, "Does Benji even truly exist?" AI has come far. So it could be that FaceTime was just like a chat GPT, and does Benji-- Is he real? Like, I'll believe it when he's filming with Zack in Zack's sad apartment.

And I feel like it's AI as it would react to Zach. Like, Zach's like, "Hey, hey, Benji." He's like, "Your house is disgusting." "Okay, well, you know, I'd love to see you, Benji." "Please wear socks. You get footprints all over the floor. It's disgusting. I won't come over there until you get a carpet." Yeah, I'm curious about the Benji of it all. But I am open to seeing it. I like immigration.

like drama and this high stakes of potentially needing a visa or a green card. And I think that it would play nicely with Zach and he can bring up, he can heighten the drama even more. And any relationship that's predicated on that is high stakes to begin with. So I like where everyone's heads at.

And it's current, you know, like I like the current events of it all. And I just like what green cards do to like romance in media. Like remember when people really thought Andy McDowell loved Gerard Depardieu in that green card movie? Wasn't that called a green card? It's a green card. It was definitely called green card where she had to like fall in love with a literal troll. Right.

It made him a sex symbol. So maybe this will do the same for Benji. I don't know. I have high hopes. I mean, do we know what line of work Benji is in? I don't know. I feel like he works at Sephora. I'm going to just go with that. But I don't know. Well, he doesn't really wear makeup. Yeah, I'd love to see...

And I'm curious about the potential of like a Vanderpump Rules Valley crossover. If there is any, are we going to get any people who are on the Valley also making cameos on Vanderpump Rules? Like,

I've just been like thinking about that a lot. I don't know because I think they're so young now. We were looking at the new cast that well, like the rumored cast or whatever. And they're so they're like little babies. I don't I just think it would look so weird for any of these people to walk in. You know, you know, I'm really missing. And let me know if you feel this way. Tom Sandoval.

Are you missing Sandoval? He's everywhere. I'm missing Sandoval. Are you just missing him from this group? Oh, I don't engage with anything that he does really outside of the Vanderpump Rules universe. So like I just am missing him. I feel like him and his crazy girlfriend could be great on the Valley.

We were robbed of that relationship. Victoria. Is that her name? Victoria? Victoria Lee Robinson. Yeah. I know. Cause that was nuts. And then she would like come for him on social media, but then be like, Oh, my mistake. He wasn't cheating guys. It's like a, sorry. What is going on with these people? I kind of need to know what's going on with them too. Yeah. Yeah. We're just going to open the floodgates to shitheads. Like bring them on. Yeah. Get them in the mix. Also. It's like,

we need more like childless people on the valley to kind of even it out. Like Dodie's about to give birth to like the second coming of Christ. So like, we've got to get, we've got to get Sandoval and Victoria Lee in the mix. Yeah.

I'm actually down for that idea. And I'm shocked that I'm down for that idea because a couple of years ago, I was like, disgusting. But yeah, that actually sounds pretty good. And mostly for Victoria, because I feel like I still see Tom Sandoval in like Traders or I don't know. I feel like he's doing stuff.

And videos on Instagram of people seeing him do his live music. And he'll be in like some tiny little bar and still like doing this Freddie Mercury like shoulders and like knee popping or whatever the fuck he's doing off key. And just being so confident, you know? I feel like that's like enough of a cockroach like that he won't die. It's kind of like Kristen. Like she should have been done after that cancellation. But she's just kept kicking, you know?

- You'll find a way. - Yeah. The cream rises to the top, you guys. - Indeed. - That's what we're saying. So, Benji, so we've talked and we went to see my mom and, you know, he's still with his ex because they're like, "Yeah, he's still married. You know that, right?" So he's like, "Yeah, but I'm hotter. I'm hotter than the ex."

Good for him. Yeah. So I guess this is on with Benj. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Krappens commercial.

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So now we go over to Nia and Michelle. Now, I thought having kids, seeing people with kids like slowly, like the misery slowly taking over their lives, I thought would be more fun. I don't know. Sometimes it is fun. The cheese fun zone. I don't know if I'm into the cheese fun zone, which is where they went.

it made me sad it makes me sad too like just the i the fingerprints on all the surfaces and just like you know there's germs everywhere and i kind of the kids on this show take me out of my like

joy watching it because I'm like, it's sad to me that these kids have to deal with parents who are acting the way that these people do. And they're like privy to so much

Like, that they really shouldn't be privy to. So I would even say, like, let's just lose the kids entirely and, like, focus on the adults. Like, just show them occasionally so we know that you have them. But then I don't want to see them other than that. Because I agree with you. There's such a sadness to it. Like this in the Cheese Fun Zone, for example. It's so bright. It looks like it should be a place of joy. But you know that there's, like, a smell of, like,

cleaner and poop. And then the kids are so close to where their parents hang out that, like, Isabella's sitting there listening to her mom diss the dad and call the dad a piece of shit and all of this. And, I mean, her dad is a piece of shit. And, I mean, but, you know, I feel like every kid deserves to come to that realization on their own. Because that's, like, a very freeing moment where you realize that your parents are pieces of shit, too, just like everybody else. And we still, you know, they're people, too, is what I'm saying. I'm not saying my parents are shit. But you know what I mean. And you should be maybe, like...

25 or even 30 or older before you really have to face that realization. Right. Like you should have to take your dad out drunk from your wedding. You know what I mean? After hitting on a bridesmaid and being like, dad, you gambled all my money away. You know, something like that. Like you, we have the right to go through that on our own. We don't need to hear about it in the fun, the cheese, cheese fun zone. Totally. And I honestly, after, um,

After just watching, especially the Ruby Frankie, about kids being on camera and stuff like that, I do have... I don't take a lot of ethical issues with pretty much anything that I watch, but I do feel weird about putting little children on reality shows when they haven't

when they don't have the ability to like really understand what they're on and like how their lives are being portrayed yeah like so isabella's gonna watch this someday and be like my parents were like caught like my dad was calling my mom a while i went and filmed a like a scene at

-cheese zone or whatever. - Yeah. -I feel like that's traumatic for a kid. -Yeah. -Yeah. I think so too. And I'm wondering if they're editing it to look like she's sitting so close, but Michelle's talking shit and then you see the kid just kind of hanging over the little thing just watching and listening. And I'm like, "I don't--" And I think the ethical thing is what bugs me about it 'cause I don't like to feel that when I watch these shows, you know? I mean, I like being able to say straight up, "You're trash!" I like that part, but--

the like, oh, save the children. You know, I don't like that part. I don't like feeling like that. It hurts. No, it does. It hurts.

It ruins it for me. And that's the most important thing. Yeah. Like, think about me. So we're in this cheesy fun zone and or cheese fun zone. Sorry. No disrespect. And it's me and Michelle. And they're talking about this previous girls party. Have your party. We just want to apologize to you, Neil. We just want to apologize to you. And, you know, anything we say, we're going to say to your face. Right. We're going to say, say, right. Your face. Right, girl. Okay. Bye. What a bitch. Am I right? Yeah.

I was like, yeah, fuck her and her husband. She's like, what happened to Michelle after I left? And then Michelle's like, well, Jasmine was really upset and cried a lot.

Yeah, she got super emotional and she felt triggered. And so Nia's like, well, you know, I know he apologized at a white party. So, you know, like I can't stand up for him, but I hope she meets up with Daniel and they can discuss that. I just hope she doesn't talk to Danny. She talks to Daniel.

I love the evolution of Dani into Daniel and who calls him Daniel versus who calls him Dani. Nia is constantly in a place of Daniel now, and Dodie has started being like, "Daniel, you should really speak to Daniel about that." Like, she's also in a place of Daniel. She is, yeah. I just love her loyalty.

I think that'll drop the second she fights with Nia. It'll turn back into like, "Fuck Danny." - You know? - Definitely. It's like respect. It's like when someone-- And in LA, I think we all have a lot of friends like this, or at least one that has changed their name mid-life. They've just been like, "Guess what? I'm an Elijah now." And you're like, "No, you're not. You're Johnny."

Jessica, but it takes a moment to be like, okay, I'm going to go with this, you know? So it's like the, it's the common adult name change and it's Daniel. I mean, it's a totally different numerology, Daniel to Danny. I don't know if I'd become-

Think of the numbers are different. Yeah. My real name is Rondal, but I go by Ronnie. And if someone calls me Rondal, it's like different. It's a different intention. You know, like you really know me if you call me Rondal and Ron, you don't even fucking know me. Don't even try. You're not Ron. I'm not Ron. No, the numbers don't work. The numbers don't really work for me.

So they're talking about this Danny thing. And Michelle's like, you know, we have talked about you for two minutes now. So please let us talk about what a piece of shit Jesse is. And he called me a whore. And then you see Isabella just watching all of this. And she's like, and he's always complaining about a mental ill this, a mental ill that. But I am not buying that. I'm not buying it. And he is like, narcissist, am I right? Normally I would say...

Everybody calls everybody a narcissist. Like, I don't think 99% of us are narcissists. We've got to stop where we're using it. Like, are we Reddit? Have we just become Reddit? Yeah.

It's the hot, therapized term of the moment, but truly, aside from Jax, who I think has been tested and certified by a mental health institution as a narcissist-- He's got a Michelin star for fucking narcissists. He does. He has three. He's a three-star narcissist. I don't think that we should just throw it around.

I was going to add a however. We are watching Men on Bravo. And that is Jesse is I don't know what Jesse is. I've got enough of my own issues to start diagnosing everybody else. I don't know if he's a narcissist. Can I just can we just go back to General Crazy? He does have like a psycho kind of vibe about him. Do you think I think I'm going to go with dead eyed psycho? What would you say? What would your diagnosis be?

I agree with that. And he does bear some similarity to Jackson that like he speaks one way about a situation to everyone else and then treats his wife or ex-wife slash baby mama like absolute dog shit. So...

That is fascinating to me, but also really scares me. And I feel bad for these women, ultimately, because I'm like, to get a divorce, I mean, A, they really don't know how to pick them on these shows, but then to see them go through hell getting a divorce from these people is incredibly jarring. And then it makes me glad that I'm not married.

oh my god me too i've chosen the single life and there are times where i'm like this probably was not the best choice mostly when you're like invited to a wedding you know there are some points where it sucks you know but then i watch these shows and i'm like nope yeah like i'm doing the right thing to be in an acrimonious divorce from a man who is not paying the mortgage anymore is like

Just like fucking with all your money and like making life hard for you and your child with autism. Like, it's like, where does it stop? It never ends. And you're now in this forever. Yeah. Especially on something like this, where you're on national TV and then you're, you're leveraging the social media against each other, you know, cause he's got so many followers. God knows why, but he can leverage those.

against her, and then he's got all of these trolls coming after her, calling her a bad mom, and you know, this and that. And so to have that added element, I mean, ugh, gross. - It's crazy. - It is crazy. The real hope is that-- And I do see him going to jail eventually. Like, I think that that lies in his future.

But hopefully it's sooner rather than later and no one is seriously injured or perishes because of it. Yeah, I said on the first episode of this season, like, this is gonna end up in, like, a murder. It's gonna end up in, like, a death. There will be a gun involved. This is not gonna end well, you know? -So... - No. -Not a man-- -It's dark to say, but it's a dark show, you know? It is. And if you're flipping-- Think-- You're comfortable, like,

throwing furniture around your house and like flipping a coffee table at your wife. Like,

You're comfortable with a lot of things. And he's still not saying, sorry, I flipped the table. It's still like, well, you texted my guy and that was my friend. You texted my friend. You texted my friend. You texted my friend. You know, he keeps using that. And Jesse does the same thing, which is why I feel like it's important to diagnose Jesse with something on the armchair because Jesse is really bad too. He was on the Not Skinny, Not Fat podcast. Hey, girl. And...

I was reading the Vanderpod recaps like summary of it and he's still like, well, that was such a regret, you know, his dead eyes. That was such a regretful moment. And, you know, I shouldn't have called her a whore, but, and then it goes on and on and on with the butt and the excuses. Like you men never learn. The men never learn. They are really scary. And the best thing.

case scenario is that like women watch these shows and learn like not to be with a man like that or if they identify that they're in a relationship with a man like that they run and

Well, I would hope so. But, you know, I guess the Internet is so depressing, too, sometimes because you see the women standing up for it and being like, you didn't do anything wrong. You're trying to fix yourself. You're doing great, honey. You know, and they're going to his shows and fawning all over him and trying to, you know, get his number and all of this. Like, hello. Are you watching the television? Are you paying attention to what's happening?

It's insane to me, but also makes a lot of sense. Like when Jax decides that he's going to move next to Tom Schwartz and like, they're literally just going to be like two losers who are 45 years old that will just like keep like plowing fans and like women will literally throw themselves at them. But it's also like, that's very LA and kind of like,

it's very men on bravo coded yes it's very men on bravo and it's very like people who write letters to prisoners coded do you think i feel like it's the same similarity there um check the outgoing mail i bet there's a very close parallel

So they're talking about what a piece of shit Jesse is, which, you know, I agree. And Michelle, you know, they keep cutting to Isabella just kind of watching them. And she's like, you know, and Isabella was telling me, you know, I know you were married to mommy, but if you get married again to the honey person, then that, you know, Jesse has to go to the wedding. And she's like, that's not happening. I will not invite him to my honey wedding. Yeah.

Michelle, I was also like, you don't do yourself any favors because you're literally planting like an underground bomb right now. Like, you know that Jesse's going to watch this eventually and it's going to just set off World War III.

To say, like, you really want to get married and Isabella told you she wants you to get married to Aaron. And, like, it's, like, just, you don't have to say that. Yeah. It's getting uncomfortable with the broken relationships. Like, you guys are hurting my feelings at this point. Okay? Yeah.

They especially, Jesse and Michelle, are like involved in some sick games that they like to like make other people participate in. Yeah. Yeah, because Brittany, I don't feel like plays the game back. She's just like, come on, you know, like she's like torture. I feel like she's she plays it. I don't know. I feel like she's not really playing a game, whereas Michelle will be like, OK, fine.

It is on. It is on. Also, I don't know that I trust this new guy of Michelle's either, only because of his eyes. Those are not trustworthy eyes. Yeah, he has crazy eyes. No, absolutely not. And they're leaning into it. Like in the mid-season trailer, it was all about him and his crazy eyes. And I was like, their days are numbered. Okay, so then we go over to Luke, Jason, and Danny at Heavy Handed. Okay.

which I'm surprised that they went there and filmed in there, but you know, good for you. Great milkshakes. So they go in there and Danny says, I think what probably 80% of the people who go in there say, which the people who work there must be so sick of hearing this, but you got a salad in this place. Moving to Santa Clarita. They're like, no, we don't have a fucking salad. Do you want a burger or a shake with a French fry inside of it? What do you want? Those burgers look so good.

Are they good? Have you been there? I don't eat meat and they don't have like a veggie. Yeah. You're a veggie-holic? It's down the street from me. I'm a pescatarian. Okay. So I'm not like anything that I can be better than anybody else, unfortunately. Like I don't really win moral points. I just don't like meat too much. So I don't go unless it's like a Whataburger or something. But I don't go there much. But I have gone there. And I was like, what a dump. I'll try your shake. And it was pretty good. Okay. Yeah.

Good to know. So if you ever want a mediocre shake, come over. Heavy-handed. Heavy-handed, baby. So what do I call it? A mediocre shake. That wasn't nice. It was a good shake. Okay, so can I have a shallot? I'm going to Santa Clarita soon. I love that they bought a home in Santa Clarita. What do you think of that? They finally got their, Danny finally got his wish. I'm scared, but I'm also scared of their apartment.

Their condo really stresses me out. Their whole life stresses me out. Yeah. They're one of the darkest couples to me because clearly there's something wrong that's not being publicly addressed. And Nia, I just think that she really settled for this guy and her life didn't have to be like this. I mean, did any of ours...

That's true. But I think, I don't know. You know what? I think that I'm just somebody who is like, everything's okay. I'm like that too, in a way. I mean, I'm very cynical on here and stuff. And I have a dark sense of humor. But like with life events or people dying or people getting sick or stuff like that, I'm like, everything's fine. Everything's great. You know, like...

You go Daniel mode. So, yeah, I look at Nia and I'm like, she's a hero. She's a hero to my people. Because no matter what's wrong, she's just like, I will cry like Jacqueline Onassis at home. At home. And I like her a lot. Like, I'm very drawn to Nia. But...

I guess that is just part of the experience of watching this show, is like wishing that all of the women were with different partners. I think so. I think it's natural. It's the natural state of things. And it's like when you watch one of those shows where you watch somebody, it opens with the person being murdered or whatever. Or like White Lotus, you know what I mean? Like White Lotus ends with a death. You don't know who dies and you don't know how they die. But the whole show you spend wondering,

how are their lives going to be ruined? And I feel like that's the show. You know, you're waiting the whole time to see how their lives are ruined. And with people like Jackson, Brittany, you know, it's taken, what, seven years or something? I don't know my timeline. Ten years almost. Yeah, just kind of see it all play out. So you just have to be patient. But it's like a reverse garden. You're just waiting to watch things shrivel up and, you know, expire. Mm-hmm. Thanks for coming, guys.

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So this is where Jason has decided to have his big talk. He's like, yeah, you know, Janet told me about the situation where she was in the pantry and then you went into the pantry and you chugged some tequila. And he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Chugged? Chugged? No, no, not chugged.

swallowed, swallowed some tequila. Okay, well, you went in there and you banged back the handle. No, it wasn't banged back. It was just a tiny ship, tiny ship of the tequila. Well, Janet was very uncomfortable. Danny, very uncomfortable. Thoughts, Laura? He says he didn't have any more to drink than anyone else. Everyone else, they would drink tequila all day. You don't see anyone getting mad at them. He had one seltzer and took a swig of tequila with the big deal.

But they're patently false.

And he also makes it worse than it was because he goes, "What? I just went in to get a White Claw, and that's also where the bottles of tequila were." I was like, "Oh, so you were also getting a White Claw too? Danny, come on, man. How is this self-defense?" - So you double-fixed it. I know. I'm also like, that afternoon you drank, you got a big red wine, buzz on, then switched to a White Claw and a glug of tequila secretly. That's a brutal combination.

It's not – and here's my, I guess, argument in defense of Danny with the drinking. It's not a pro-drinker combination.

I feel like any alcoholic would not be like, I'm going to have wine and then a White Claw and then some tequila. And then like a pro would not do that. Just a big room temperature glug of tequila out of the bottle. So I feel like he's an amateur as a drinker. I mean, is he using drinking in a bad way? Possibly. I just I don't know.

I don't know. I don't care. I don't care. I just don't care. I don't care that he did it. I don't care, but I want it to be, I want to see more of it. Like I want to see him have like three more moments on the show that are really like devastating. I'm ready for like a Kim Richards level, like crisis alcohol use. I,

Let's do intervention. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think he can pull it off like Kim Richards. I mean, she really, I mean, wow. She really did a glorious turn with all of that. Like, just her whole personality. And then remember when she got, like, the pit bull and the pit bull was out of control and then the pit bull was attacking people. Kingsley. And she's like, how dare you talk about Kingsley? You're a bad sister. And Kyle's like, that child literally almost killed my children. It's like, yeah.

and Kingsley's a nice girl. And then Kingsley attacked the old lady across the street. And then Kim went to the Target and she got caught shoplifting. Shoplifted, yeah. Yeah, she had to go on Andy Cohen and do a one-on-one about it. Oh my God. I mean, Kim was like the fireworks at Universal Studios at the end of the day as far as alcoholism story. It really was. And Danny's just an amateur, I feel like.

Yeah, it's like, I feel like maybe he just got to that place where you're tired and you're getting too drunk. Yeah, I don't know. I'm like, bring it or shit or get off the pot. You know, go big or go home. Yeah. Don't come here. Don't come here with a half-assed alcoholism storyline. Yeah, like sleeping in the bed. Like, I'm like, you need to come guns blazing. Like, bring me the razzle dazzle. Yeah.

So Jason lays on the Janet feels uncomfortable. Don, don, don. So Janet really bugs me. So I'm like, shut up, Jason. You know, stop fighting for Janet. That's my feeling about it. Like, just let let Janet do her own dirty work. I don't need it. I don't need you here doing Janet's dirty work. OK, go back to your low hood and your casseroles at home and you're like microwave mac and cheese. Fuck out of here, Danny.

There's something about Janet, she's bugged me a lot, but this episode I kind of turned a corner and I was like, "Janet, if you..." I saw potential in her and that is in terms of her going head to head against Dodie, which I'm gonna need Janet to ramp it up because there was a moment where she just said like, "Kristen Dodie thinks that she can

outrun me, but I'm ten steps ahead of her at all times. And I took that as, like, the ultimate challenge. - Yeah. - And now I need her to see it through. And I think Janet might still be getting her sea legs, but she's one to watch in terms of, like... - Villainy? - Just bringing villainy and, like,

-conniving... - Mm-hmm. ...and, like, a certain smugness to the mix. Yeah. Um, I think she's definitely got the smugness down and the conniving down. 'Cause, you know, she did do-- As far as, like, judging a villain, she did do a good job of just getting Kristen completely cut off from the group.

Really, with all that stuff last year. I mean, Kristen was kind of the reason. Kristen and Jax, and I guess to a degree, Brittany, were the reason for the show, right? They were the regulars from Vanderpump Rules. And she got Kristen out pretty quick. And that was all stuff that kind of started with Janet. Like, if you remember back to it, Janet was the one who said, watch out because Michelle's a Republican. So she's probably racist. She's probably anti-gay.

all this other stuff, and then Zack took what she said and repeated it to Brittany, and Brittany went and repeated it to everybody else. So Janet started all of that, or Kristen repeated it. Yeah, Kristen repeated it, but Janet was the one who initially said it. But Janet's like, the thing is, she's behind the scenes and then smug and plays like, I don't know, like so sweet.

But I need her to step more into the forefront with her machinations. Yeah, less of the concern trolling. Like, well, I was just worried about your husband's drinking. And more like, we need to have a talk. Your husband's a goddamn alcoholic. Here I have him on a ring cam, you know. Yeah.

hitting the ass of my Volvo or whatever. -Whatever she's gonna do. - Yeah. Or if you're concerned trolling, like, do it with a wink at the camera or something where you're, like, owning what you're doing. I don't know. I just-- I guess I have a lot. I see potential in people and I really want them to step up to the plate. And I'm seeing some potential in Janet. I'm not ready to write her off just yet. Okay, fair, fair.

So Danny starts getting pissed because Jason won't really stop. He keeps going on with this. Well, but no, no, no. Let's talk about it, bro. Because you were really, really, really bad, you know? And he's like, I was not drunk. He's like, you were drunk enough. Okay, listen, you didn't make dinner. You didn't make dinner, dude. You didn't make dinner. And that's what's kind of my sticking point with this whole argument. One minute you're saying Danny gets drunk and then does inappropriate things to his friends. Fine. That's an argument. I don't think anybody's in the wrong for that argument.

But then Danny gets drunk and then he removes himself from the situation and goes to bed. So isn't that better? Like, I mean, I think that that's an improvement. Like he didn't come out and do anything mean to his friends. He went to bed. So I don't know. I felt like that was an improvement on Danny's part. Yeah, probably. And I feel like he and Mia had long talks about that.

how social you're allowed to be when you're going glug-glug mode. And she was like, Daniel, if you're going to glug, you've got to go to sleep.

- Yeah. - And so then they, as like a united front, made that decision. Oh yeah, good call. So Danny's like, "Okay." So Danny basically sees he's about to just have an alcoholism storyline. Meanwhile, they've got Jax, who no one has said anything to this entire show, really, until Jax was ready to go. Yeah, like, no, he's not really having an alcoholism or a cokehead storyline. He's having like a mental health...

They keep calling it like the mental health facility. Yeah. They still won't give them the full. Well, Zach, I think it's rehab because Zach, I think it's rehab with mental stuff built in. Is all rehab like that now? I don't know. I've never been. I don't know. I haven't been either, but I don't think rehab, the rehabs that I have been aware of aren't allowing you to like leave and go home to like run an errand.

Yeah, that's weird. Like, hey, take a break and just go take off all the playing cards from the security cameras. And when you're done, come back. We'll have some more therapy. Yeah. Or I don't know of rehabs that diagnose you with things like bipolar disorder and stuff. So that's why I don't know if it's a mix of...

Like they can't do that at AA. You know what I mean? They can't just like diagnose you. But yeah, I think maybe it's a mix. Maybe it's like a hybrid. I don't think they do a good job. It's going to leave early anyways. It's not going to stay. Yeah, I can tell you this. It's probably not a good one because I don't think they helped him on many fronts from what we've seen. So Danny is now kind of in the position of

having to stand up for himself against like this alcoholism charge so he's getting pissed and he's like what is going on here and shanna barbara said dude it was not a big deal and then we see a flashback to jason saying listen if janet got wasted and passed out i wouldn't be like oh janet's wasted and passed out like you're fine like you're totally fine i would just say janet's sleeping so i don't know why everybody's upset with you it's not a big deal

And so now he's coming back, making it a big deal. So obviously Danny's like, so is this Jason or is this Janet? Janet, the puppet master pulling all the strings. Yeah, but it's both, you know, I don't think Jason gets off the hook. Just even if Janet made him do it, you know? Yeah. So then, uh,

Jason's like, well, I thought you were going to be like, sorry, you know? So they have this conversation a little while. And he's like, and also Jasmine felt very triggered because the last time she saw you in that state, like drunk things happen. So she had PTSD from Halloween and, you know, I know you apologized, but she still feels a certain way. So, um,

Jason's like, "Jasmine's a good friend. You do something to Jasmine, you do something to me." And five minutes later, Jasmine's like, "He's not wearing his wedding ring." Thrown under the bus. Jasmine and Zach sacrificed at the altar of heterosexuality so that Dodie can make allegations against her worst enemy, Jason. "You've just been Zach-rified, John, John, John."

So Danny is like, I'm disappointed and ashamed with myself. Here's one good thing Bravo gives the men on this channel. The chance to learn to give really shitty and sincere apologies. They're so good at it on this show. Yeah.

It is incredible. The hoops that they jump through in order to give like a really unsatisfying apology over and over and over. I liked when Danny specifically said, I was sick. I was on antibiotics. I don't remember everything that happened. I was like, not the antibiotics excuse.

I know you're not using an antibiotic excuse, sir. But sure enough, you went. I was trying to think of an antibiotic name. I was sick.

That literally is what Misha Barton said happened to her in like, there was like a report of her getting like blackout. I think she ended up going to the hospital partying too hard, like back in like 2007, 2008. And her excuse is like, she was just on antibiotics and things took a turn and no one saw it coming. I was like, this is a tale as old as time. Like you can't use Misha's excuse. Yeah.

That's the oxycodone, guys. I think Meredith Marks used that, too, didn't she? At one point, she was like, I was not on drugs. I was on cold medicine. I mean, it was something like that where she was accused of it. One of the times she was accused of being a drug. She was like, how dare you? It was oxycodone or something.

It was, yeah. Wait, is oxycodone like OxyContin or is oxycodone the antibiotic? I think oxycodone and OxyContin are like sisters. Oh, okay. Or cousins. And then like doxycycline. Okay, yeah.

A Z-Pack. It was a Z-Pack. Yeah. It was the classic Z-Pack blackout that causes just me to become a grope monster and go into get-daddy-a-drink mode.

So Danny and Jason ended a stalemate. They're both pissed now. And Jason disagrees with Danny. So Danny says, says the lawyer. And he's like, yeah, actually. And he goes, not the friend. You're talking like a lawyer and not a friend. Congratulations. You've reached the end of part one of a two part recap for part two. Go look for the recap that says part two. See you over there, suckers.

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At 24, I lost my narrative, or rather it was stolen from me. And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics.

I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours. Something you possess is lost or stolen, and ultimately you triumph in finding it again. So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks, both recognizable and unrecognizable names, about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph.

My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank up. They connected with the people that I'm talking to and leave with maybe some nuggets that help them feel a little more hopeful. Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.