#2866 The Valley S2E07 Part Two The Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing w Guest Lara Schoenhals
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Well, hello and welcome to Watch What Happens. This is part two of a two-part recap. If you're like, hey, wait a minute, I didn't hear part one. Guys, it's because we put out a lot of recaps. Go back and listen to part one, okay? It's before this one. Bye. Enjoy the show.

And now we get Jax's, the violin, the Jax violin section comes in for poor Jax. Poor, poor Jax. We get sad music. Jax is doing his like video vlog from early 2000s YouTube where he gets a full monologue. It's incredible the work that he's doing in these rehab diaries. It's beautiful.

It's a special day today because I get to see my son and I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry. And then he starts doing that thing where he's like pushing his eyes in so he'll cry. Yeah, trying to rub the dye from his eyebrows into his eyes, like getting some of the eyeliner in there like, oh, my son. I don't care about my son so much.

I want to apologize to Brittany. No, I don't want to apologize because apologies don't mean anything without actions back them up. So I just really am excited and just ready to be a dad again. I was like, you're so full of shit. It's beautiful. Literally. You literally haven't paid your child's mortgage in three months. Sorry. He's like, I'm going to love him. Yeah. Yeah.

pig so um basically i like these because i just get to yell at the tv for a solid five minutes the thing that makes me the craziest about this season are these jacks violin guys i didn't realize like i just love my son so much i love my son

You kicked your son out of your house. You made your son go live in an Airbnb while you stayed in the big house and didn't even pay the mortgage to it. You were the biggest piece of shit. I cannot believe you're getting away with this. And after Bravo is doing all of their firing left and right, it's like, let's kick Kenya off halfway through the season for doing her thing. And let's do, let's get everybody, but let's give Jax a violin section. You fucking kidding me? Yeah, it's very strange. Like, I'm like, who...

The people, like, masterminding the way that the men on the show and on Vanderpump Rules are portrayed have it so backwards because, like, as a viewer, all I want to see is...

Jack's be humiliated over and over again. So like, I think I would assume as a producer, you understand that that is what the customer is tuning in for. So you need to just make that happen. But then it kind of doesn't come to fruition or you don't get like the

excitement of that happening. It was kind of the same with like the Tom Sandoval final season of Vanderpump Rules where it was like, we're not getting, like now's the time that I really want to see just like Sandoval being embarrassing. And we just kind of didn't get that and then got like more sympathy towards him. And I just need it.

utter humiliation rituals in place. - I agree. And I think they're coming from the place, both shows were coming from the place of like, well, we can't, if we lose this star of the show, we're gonna lose the show, right? So in that case, it was like Sandoval, you know, if we're gonna keep the show going, like remember Lisa Vanderpump was like, "Please have a conversation with Sandoval." She was trying to send everybody like, "Please, we've been friends for so long and you can't just let it go."

Because she was afraid that the show was going to end. But I think the show ended anyway because who wants to... You can't... No one wants that. It's also like...

Yeah, if they have too much power and say, it's like, for someone like Jax, it's like you're lucky to get the opportunity to do this show. So, like, you're not going to get much editorial say in how you're portrayed. You either want to do the show and you need money or you decide not to do it. Like, the show can go on without him. I just don't understand, like, it's also very clear that he's lying about everything. Yeah.

Yeah. So like, can we just, I think it would be, and it's funnier to catch him in a lie over and over and over than to try and like drum up any sympathy for him. Agreed. I want to see him going to the house, uncovering the cameras. I want to see him like on his phone, looking at the ring cam.

I want to see him. I know they can't shoot in rehab, but I want... It's LA. I'm sure people would sign releases. I want to see him in rehab in the round circle, like, hello, my name is, you know, Jax or whatever. And then watch people call him on his shit because they will do that to your ass. I'll tell you that in the... So...

Celebrity rehab. Like I'm like, let's like fire celebrity rehab back up and get like a whole group of people in the house. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Just get a whole group of Bravo people. They could just redo it on Bravo.

So now we get to go over to something troubling, but, you know, more acceptable, which is Brittany having a kid's party for adults. And her mom is there, Sherry. And Sherry's there in her, like, Timu Lisa Rinna leopard print. Moo moo, whatever the fuck she's wearing. How do you feel about seeing Sherry? I was doing a bit Pebbles.

Oh, I was, it was good to see her again. I like what she's doing with her hair now. Yeah. I like, we were saying on stuff that she's kind of has this like indie sleaze look going on. And I was excited for her new ventures into different sort of fashions and stuff.

you know it's always a good day when sherry graces the screen like she's just heard of bam bam's bam bam and pebbles band and she's like out she's like out to support you know so um she's kind of like a karen oh yeah yeah yeah's haircut a bit yeah and she's really leaned into the triangular sideways triangle eyebrows

that britney brittany's kind of made hers into more of an arch but then when she gets mad they go into like straight triangles and sherry just has her permanent triangles in there so i like that about sherry she looks kind of like one of the angry mushrooms from the mario games you know just like

Yeah. So it's been amazing having Mama here. So Mama's staying for a month to watch Cruise. And we're going to have a shark party at the rental house. So Janet's mom is also going to be there watching the kids. And she's going to party. She's going to party. So now people start coming in for the party. Kristen's there.

And they're talking about, let's see, what are they talking about? Oh, so Brittany tells her the news. She's like, today, I thought it would be nice to let Jaxley cruise. And my nanny dropped to cruise off. So they had 30 minutes without me being there. And then Jax wanted me to come so we could talk to the therapist. It did not go well at all. It did not go well. Dun, dun, dun. Jax took Brittany to the park and...

told her the great news, which is that he signed a lease to live next door to Tom Schwartz. - Oh, my God. - In like a condo. Oh, my God. Meanwhile, she also found out this is where Jax has uncovered the cameras in her house and has been spying on her, and she didn't know because...

They were covered with cards, so she couldn't catch him bringing who was into the house. And she's like, yeah. And whenever he left the house, he took the covers off the camera. So basically, he was yelling at her about all this stuff. He's like, I can see you. I can see you. I can see what you're wearing right now. You're wearing a red shirt. She didn't know. Of course, it took Brittany a minute to figure out.

I love her being like, "How did he know that? Oh my God!" And then literally he's... I also love him being at rehab, working on himself and feeling like a real weight is lifted. As soon as he gets done saying that, he's terrorizing Britney on text being like, "Yeah, I see you bitch wearing a red shirt, nice shirt." -Oh, fucking creep. -It's crazy. He's such a fucking creep.

So then, yeah, she talks about how he is going to move into Tom Schwartz and she's supposed to, she just signed, he signed a lease without telling her and she's already paid for this rental house. So now they've got this house just sitting there. So she's like, I just think he wants to relive those pretty Brittany days. Well, those weren't very good either. He had stats, you know, he was fucking over Stassi at that point and getting dragged, you know, for that. So I don't know that Jax has ever really had a good period.

No, he never had a period of true peace and happiness. I don't think, because then before Vanderpump Rules, wasn't that his Miami days? And we all know what was happening there. I don't know that that was a very peaceful time in his life. So I don't know if I was jacked, like, when would I want to go back? Maybe he was enjoying his time period where he dated that woman who was from San Diego. And it was like,

They went to the Moment Hotel together for a drink. - Yeah. - And then she ended up dumping him. But maybe that's like the glory days he's trying to relive, like right before he met Brittany. Yeah, I guess. Um, but I don't think it's gonna work. -I think it's gonna be very sad. - No. I also like that he told Brittany, like, "I wanna start over fresh with you, and I wanna, like, feel like we're just dating again." -Yeah. -So I got a house next to Tom Short.

She's like, oh, man. Yeah. She's like, I just wish he didn't have a phone. If he did, somebody should shove it up his butthole so he had to get it. And so then... I wish he was in jail. What's that? I wish he was in jail. Yeah, I wish he was in jail. Well, you'll probably get your wish soon. I think we all see that one coming. So now is the Jasmine, Melissa, and Danny apology scene. So he gets water, which...

It's smart, this part. Jasmine points it out. She's like, love to see it. So Jasmine explains, because, you know, he starts, he is good at an apology too. He's like, well, you know, I heard you were upset still with me and I, you know, I apologize, but I'd just like to apologize again. I thought it was very smart to just come into this conversation.

with his hands in the air you know being like you're right i'm wrong whatever whatever i need to do and so she explains that what triggered her about it is that people don't take her seriously because she's in a gay relationship and so guys are like oh i've seen you know basically like guys are like oh it's like porn i love girl on girl and so they sexualize you and stuff and so he apologizes because he didn't need to do that and it seems like we get a forgiveness here

Because he just apologizes over and over. I think that they're going to move past it. Yeah. But hopefully not for long. It doesn't look like from the trailer that they get over it. Because then they go into full-on yelling at each other about it. So, love to see it. Great. Yeah. Excited. So then Kristen meets with... Kristen and Luke meet with Jesse to gossip. And she's fired up over this attacking Nia and Danny thing. Yeah.

And she doesn't like that Jason went to the Shake Shack or whatever to heavy handed rather to do Janet's dirty work. And so her big news is, oh, yeah, you fuck with him. I'm going to fuck with you. Maybe Jason shouldn't be speaking. Maybe you should keep your wedding ring on. Don't don't don't. So big accusation that Jason is going out on the town without his wedding ring.

What say you? Do you believe it? This didn't-- I love to see Dodie just, like, launch a grenade, but to me, I was like-- in my head, I was like, "There's no way that Jason is really, like, trying to be a smooth operator out on the town."

I don't think so either. I didn't really buy it. And I was a little disappointed in Kristen only because of the quality of the accusation. Like, I feel like Kristen, the old Kristen, would have found a way to get his laptop and go through his browser history. You know what I mean? You can always find something to use against a dude with his browser history. I mean, something. Like, his kinky porn, whatever he's into. Like, I just felt like there was more there. There's more that she could have found. I think that...

we are witnessing Dodie in like a new era, 'cause usually when she does like drop the bomb, it is significant and she knows that she's like blowing something up, blowing the lid off like a situation. But, you know, she's focused-- Her focus is in many different places, you know? She's just trying to get pregnant all the time around the clock, getting pounded out by Luke.

And she's not as dialed in as she usually is. Yeah, I need more. I mean, I get you're going to have to multitask. I'm not going to take the like, I'm trying to get pregnant. Like that doesn't take all day. Like I literally need you to break into his house because this is a lot. I mean, you're the woman who brought us the girl from Miami, literally put the girl on a plane on a waiter salary. You know what I mean? Brought the girl in from Miami.

Come on, Kristen. We'll do whatever it takes. Yeah. Yeah. You're better than this. So now Jesse's like, whatever. I don't believe this. He's like, I don't give a shit. I go like, who cares? And Chris is like, oh, yeah, you can fuck with me. But if you fuck with my family or my friends or Daniel, you're going to get it. So we'll see how that works out at Brit's shock party. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappin's commercial.

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I like the idea of a shark party. My shark party. And Sarah's like, well, Brittany, you've always loved Shark Week ever since you were just a little girl. Ever since. Yeah, I said I would change the world in the carnival by having more Shark Weeks. So she's a big Shark Week fan. And so here we go. Here we go with the theme. So people come. Zach's got Brittany's face all over his swim trunks.

Which I feel like is not a new thing. I think he's had those for a long time. He's had them for a while. Yeah. And it finally worked. He's on TV, so good for him. And then Lala's there. Pregnant Lala's here, as you'd ask. Lala's back in town. What do you think about Lala and Sheena being on the ballet?

Before this season, I said, absolutely not. This show is perfect. Don't bring anybody else on here, especially those two. And I like Sheena for the most part. Lala made me a little crazy in her last couple of years. The post, the rant in later years made me crazy with Lala because I felt like she turned against the people who actually helped her stay on the show and like went to the dark side to keep friends. And I didn't like that.

So can I forgive? Sure. But I don't know that I need them. It feels too forced, even though it's not. They're all friends, right? What do you think? I'll shut up. I think, I mean, it does seem like Sheena is friends with everyone, like organically, like hangs out with people. I don't know how close Lala is to all those people. You know what I mean? I believe that she's

I kind of believe that she's close with Sheena, but I also don't know. I agree that the later Rand years made me question her relationships and her motivations because I do think she was also trying to get out of having to say anything personal or share anything that was going on with her. And so it became a lot of accusations or pointing the finger at other people. Yeah.

but i do miss sheena a lot and i want sheena back i'm honestly like sheena i think it's because it's a package deal that i'm even questioning it because sheena i'm fine anywhere i'm fine with sheena anywhere like she's such a dope i think she's so funny she kills me and i just want her back i feel like sheena's

gone through a reckoning of sorts. And she seems almost like a little uncomfortable on this show, but I want her to be like in her comfort zone, on camera again, on Bravo, just like living her best life.

Yeah, it's like on this one, she knows she's a friend of and so she's not doing as much and or they're cutting it. I mean, I don't I can't see why they would cut it if they bothered to bring her back on. But yeah, she and I'm OK with Lala. I'm not sure. But she's here. So we'll see how it goes. So they're talking about Santa Barbara and Lala.

Lala's like, "Yeah, Janet told me about Santa Barbara. How was that?" And she's like, "He called me a whore, a whore." And so Lala's like, "I'm gonna get him," basically. And she's like, "Okay, well, why does he look the way his personality is?" And then we see Jesse walk in wearing a braided leather necklace. And she's like, "He walks like such a dex, right? Like, he even looks like a dex. I'm sorry you had to deal with that."

Jesse's mirrored sunglasses. I just really wish that those weren't a thing. They're the best sunglasses in LA because it's the only way to get people to look you in the eye at a party. True. I stand behind them. So, then we go to Jasmine. Basically, everyone's kind of gossiping about the storylines. Like, okay, had to go with Danny. And Jasmine said, it's okay, you know. And, um...

Jesse is like, "Well, you know, me and Michelle trigger each other." And I know that wasn't great, but I was triggered. I was triggered by her. And I'm like, "Yeah, he's full of shit." So that guy still learned nothing. And then we go to Danny and Jason. So Jason has come to this party feeling like shit, basically, 'cause he went really hard at Danny. And now he feels bad, so he's gonna apologize.

And he gives like a pretty heartfelt apology. There seemed to be tears in his eyes at one point. And I was like, I didn't realize that they were that close, but I guess they are really close. And now they've patched up the issue. And Danny's like, thanks, bro. It means a lot, man. Yeah. Wish boys chat for life. Boys chat.

Okay, so fun times. So then Jesse sees Lala and he's like, oh, hey, Lala. God, so good to see you. Hugs, hugs, hugs. And he's like, oh, you're pregnant. I've always wanted more kids. He goes, well, if it's any indication of how you treat your baby mama, thunk.

"I don't think you should have them." He's like, "Don, don, don." He's like, "Well, you know, it's hard on both sides." She's like, "Yeah, but I lean towards the chick unless it's Ariana, especially when the man and the father of the child is calling her a whore and a slut." So, Lana's got a point here. I really don't have anything to argue. -Even people I don't love can be aimed properly. - Game, set, match. -Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. - So, I like that. - And I just hate that Jesse keeps calling it, like, a moment of weakness.

It's like, just say, like, you said something really out of pocket and inappropriate. It's okay to just be like, yeah, I was a dick. Like, I really shouldn't have said that. Yeah, but being a moment of weakness is bullshit because it's not just a moment of weakness. Like, if you're okay with calling a woman a whore, then you're okay with, like, you've been okay with that. Like, that didn't just happen that day, you know? It's a life of weakness. Yeah.

It's a weakness. It's a dead-eyed weakness, Jessie. And he's like, even the strongest man or woman, regardless of the growth that they're trying to find by screaming into pillows with fucking Proud Boys in their backyard, can have moments of weakness, okay? And she's like, you know what? Your little girl is going to be impressionable, and she's my main focus, okay?

And he says, well, he's telling us, calling Michelle a lying, cheating whore is a moment of weakness. But the truth is, she's a liar and a cheater. So she doesn't deserve to be called a whore. But the other stuff I stand by. God, let it go. Get over it. It's over. It's over and you didn't catch her.

You know what I mean? Like, there's a statute of limitations, sir. She left you before you caught her, so I say irrelevant. It is irrelevant. It's just suspected. Also, it's like, who cares? You're divorced now. She doesn't love you. She doesn't want to be in this relationship with you. - Yeah. - Get over it. Yeah, you lost this one, buddy. So she tells him off, and then he's like, "Well, thanks for the good laugh that gave me. Ha!"

So he lost that one as usual. So at least we got to see Jesse lose one this episode. I just need the pinata jacks back. And then we go to people dressed like sharks. And then we get the Jesse tattletailing. So Jesse tattletales to Jason that Kristen's about to start some shit, but he doesn't tell him what. So Jason's like, oh, my God, what did I do? I'm trying to rack my brain to think what I did. I don't think I did anything. Oh, my God. Did I forget to put the casserole in the oven? Oh, good. What did I do?

We find out that allegedly what he did was take his ring off two years ago. And Jasmine just, not Jasmine, Janet just laughs. She's like, oh God, that's it? And he's like, okay, so it's not an allegation that I'm cheating. It's that I'm trying to cheating and I'm just really bad at it. Like, what are you saying? And so Janet's like, Kristen, really? You really think this is going to happen? She's like, well, I heard her from Jasmine.

So they called Jasmine over and Jason's like, what the fuck? I literally just got into an argument trying to defend this girl. And now this girl's going to try and ruin my life. And Jasmine's like, well, I mean, like, would I bring it up? Nope. I wouldn't bring it up. But, you know, like I did hear it, but like, I didn't bring it up. So like, I don't know why it was brought up. Kristen's like, because you came after Daniel. That's why you came after my mother, Nia and Daniel. How dare you? How dare you talk to Daniel and Nia like that?

Yeah. You had to go mama bear. Yeah. And Janet's like, do you honestly think I don't have private investigators following this motherfucker everywhere he goes?

I can see into his soul. I have a chip in his brain. I can smell what he's smelling, Kristen. This man is not doing anything that I don't know about, okay? She's like, I power him down at night and I turn him on in the morning. If he's not wearing his ring, it's because I forgot to put it on his finger. Truly, truly.

So she's like, okay, Kristen, to repeat baseless rumors like that, it's ridiculous. Are you sorry you blurted it out? Just say you're sorry. This is so stupid, Kristen. And I can't believe you guys are talking about it when not once did anybody come to me or Jason. You know, I hate people talking behind people's backs. Okay, Jasmine.

So Kristen's like, I'm not, I wasn't friends with you. So I didn't. So sorry. Sorry. And this is when Janet's like, yeah, she may think she's detective Dowdy, but I'm 10 steps ahead of her. Always. There's never going to be a situation where she's telling me new information about my husband. I know where he is at all times. And if he's going on vacation, I put an air tag on it for safety.

this is like challenge accepted now i'm gonna ruin your life um you know i don't love janet but i do feel like she's in a real marriage yeah you know they seem aligned yeah they seem aligned yeah for sure so that's why they're kind of annoying because they are really boring and in a seemingly healthy relationship yeah you know and i think it's good when you're like

in a partnership and you're like, "You know what? Fuck these people. Fuck this guy for making me uncomfortable in a closet by drinking a tequila." I mean, as a gay friend, I could be like, "That's stupid. You were all drunk at a thing. Stop saying 'uncomfortable' like you were assaulted by some guy when he drank tequila in front of you. Like, stop." But as a husband, you have to be like, "I'm gonna go to heavy-handed with him and we're gonna have a talk." So I think that's a good relationship. Yeah.

What happens next? Okay, so Brittany's like, ding, ding, ding. She's got like a Campbell's soup turned upside down. Ding, ding, ding.

All right, everybody gather over here. Okay. I met with Jackson to park and he started saying that we, he wants us to start fresh and start dating like the beginning. He even stole a pair of sunglasses, but then he tells me that he rented a condo next to Tommy Schwartz. Can you believe it? And so then everyone's like, no, how dare he? And now he's going to try and stick me with that $14,000 a month mortgage. I already got a place and everything's going to be on my back.

So she cries and they're like, "Get a lawyer, girl." That's where Sheena does come in clutch. She goes, "Brett, it's time to get a lawyer. I've been telling you, get a lawyer." "It's about time you did something about this. We're doing something." So then we go to this scene at Jax's bar, which was kind of a weird place to have a scene, no?

A really grim setting. Like, Brittany walks in, she gets kind of dead here, huh?

It's dead. There's nobody in there but them. And they're putting like napkins over his face. Jasmine's, you know, putting napkins over his face in the in the restaurant and stuff. So Schwartz comes over and he's like, hey, guys, everything going OK? Jax is doing better, right? Like he's been texting me that he's a changed man and he's moving in next door. We're just good little boys. Brittany's like, oh, really?

Well, I found out he hadn't paid the mortgage since May. And then we see that it's August 15th or something. But really, he wasn't paying the mortgage since February.

Whoa, really? I know, yeah. They say on the after show, they get into mortgage details, and it was like the second that Britney moved out, he stopped paying the mortgage. Oh, my God. And didn't he say something like, well, you know, it's like mental health. It's just mental health. He was like, I was depressed. I said, yeah, I did. I didn't pay. I said, fuck it. Because, you know, I was really going through it. I was having a hard time. Yeah, fucking chance. And then it comes all around to like,

It's like he didn't pay the mortgage. He didn't pay taxes. He really fucked everything up. And then he's like, I got it. I got things back on track. But what really, really set me off the most was that she hooked up with my friend. Oh, for fuck's sake. He brings it all the way back around to that. Oh.

There's no learning. What a pig. It's a true pig. Especially because that fight that they were having that day he was going to rehab, he's like, I pay for everything. I pay for every single thing. It's like, no, you don't. I pay for the, I paid the, you know, the down payment. And then I also pay the property taxes on this place and all the bills. And he's like, yeah, but I pay the mortgage and I pay everything. And he hadn't been paying for all that. God, what a pig.

He's a piece of shit. I know. Did they sell the house? Do you know what they ended up doing with the house? I think she's still in the house, but she said their mortgage went from $8,000 a month to $18,000 because of his unpaid bills and taxes. Oh, my God. I know. What a mess. It's true. It's awful.

Oh, just disgusting, man. So we see the upcoming season preview and it looks pretty good.

um yeah i'm not mad at it jack's is back which sucks but they've it'll be more entertaining and also they brought that um the honey guy on which i think is good so yeah we definitely need more from him and jesse and michelle are gonna keep fighting over whether or not she cheated the honey guy is gonna have crazy eyes and i hope we do see jack's

like bottom out and go back to the second rehab. I hope it like at least follows that a little bit. So was the first rehab, the one he didn't stay the whole time or did he stay the whole time for the first time and then leave the second time? I think both. He didn't stay the whole time, but he might've stayed longer at,

The second one. Yeah. So I remember one, he stayed out like 10 days or something. And then the, I think he, I think he completed one and didn't, I mean, I don't know. It's like keeping up with Jax's lies. Hard to keep up with him. Yeah. Cause his PR person's very good too. Lori. What are they saying?

They're just good because all the articles that come out about Jax are like, oh, poor Jax. You know, Jax finally realized he had a mental health issue and now he's taking care of it. And he loves his son. He lives for his son. And I don't know that they're so smart putting him on this like podcast and podcast tour or whatever, whatever the hell that is. But yeah.

Who believes this? Like, what percentage of viewers and fans of the franchise do you think actually believe that he's a changed man and he's sober?

And like a great father. I just read so many comments online that are like, you know, poor Jack. So what Brittany did to him? She's such a user. You know, she went all the way to Vegas to meet him and just get on this show, which maybe that did happen. I don't I don't know.

but, and then she used him and she got what he wanted. She wanted. And then right when she got what she wanted, she dumped him and tried to make him look like a villain. And I mean, they come for Brittany pretty hard. Now those aren't our comp. Those aren't on our comments, but like if I'm reading, you know, Reddit or like regular. Yeah. Yeah. And not all of Reddit, most of Reddit, most of the subs I subscribe to don't believe that shit, but you'll go into some random subs or, you know, where it's really bad. And I feel like it's

always really bad facebook instagram oh yo face forget it yeah oh my god the people still commenting on there are so scary i mean really talk about the opposite takes on every show i just don't see how you could even watch this and be fooled for a second of what is truly going on with jack i don't either that's just me guys a disgusting human being

but i'm excited for the rest of the season disgusting it has been so much fun talking to you thank you so much for having me here lars oh my god my pleasure i love you um you let's get out of here eh everybody thanks so much for being here go check out sexy unique podcast and follow lars at lars marie on instagram that's l-a-r-z marie and

And check out their Patreon because, and just like that, recaps are coming starting this week. Also get your tickets for Seattle June 12th and the 19th in Los Angeles for Watch What Crap Is. We'll talk to you guys next time. Bye. Bye.

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