#2868 RHOA S16E13 Part One: I’d Catch a Grenada For You
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Hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker and joining me today is the radiant and colorful Ronnie Karam. Hi, Ronnie. How are you? Well, hello. Welcome home, buddy.

Thank you so much. Thanks for, uh, thanks for, for holding down the, the, whatever the phrase is, holding down the fort while I was out and about gallivanting across Norway. I was so appreciative of all the, all our friends who came in and stepped up and subbed in for me during that week. So thanks to everyone who joined you. That was really cool to see. Yeah, it was a fun open relationship week. It was a swinger week where you get to just...

party with everybody that you always wanted to, but then you're like, "I still miss my husband." - You know? - Aww. That was good. It was romantic in the end. Yeah, well, it was really wonderful seeing all those clips on social media and everything, and it was really cool to see all of our friends. And I was a little jealous. I was jealous that you got to, like, you know, ham it up with some of those folks. But I hope that you two go on vacation for a week, and then I will get to have the fun. - Don't you worry. You'll get your turn. - Good.

Good, 'cause I wanna have fun with our friends too. - It was really fun. Kempire did a great job on this one. Love you, Kempire. Thanks for stopping by, buddy. - We love Kempire. Yeah, 'cause today we're talking about Real Housewives of Atlanta. Before we dive into that,

Next week, we go to Seattle and we are going to recap the season premiere of The Real Housewives of Miami. So that's going to be a whole lot of fun. That is next Thursday. So go to WatchYourCrapAndZotcom to get your tickets. And then the following Thursday on June 19th, we have the finale of the Mounting Hysteria Tour. It all comes to an end at the Henry Fonda Theater or maybe just the Fonda Theater.

In Hollywood. We're not sure what we're-- - The Jane Fonda Theater? - Jane Fonda Theater, maybe. - I could do that. - Little aerobics. - It could be many things.

We think we know what we're going to recap there, but we'll still give it like a week in case we change our mind or something. But get your tickets at WatchWhatCrapHands.com. These are going to be such fun final shows of our tour. Can't wait to see everyone. And of course, Patreon. Patreon.com slash WatchWhatCrapHands. Get access to the bonus episodes starting tomorrow, by the way, Ronnie.

Love Island is back. Love Island USA with our sweet, sweet Ariana as the host. It is back. So what we did last year is that we just did sort of like 20-minute check-ins where we just kind of talked about what we watched. It's not full recaps, just like this. Because if we did full recaps of Love Island, we would literally just like die. That's a whole other industry. That's a lot. But we're going to check in. Nine hours a week of pure hoery. Wow.

But what we will do is we will talk about the previous night's episode on Patreon pretty much every day. So we're looking forward to that. That's going to be a fun time. Uh, anything else I have to announce? I'm rusty. I'm like, how do I do this again? What am I supposed to announce at the top of the show? Am I doing okay? You nailed it, buddy. Nailed it. I will say this. I got a lot of people who reached out about, um,

like, they want to hear about my Norway trip or whatever. I was kind of thinking, Ronnie, that what I might do is, like, I might make like a little video where I just like go through it. Like, you know how like back in the old days when you took pictures on a trip, you did like a slideshow and you bored all your friends and family and make them like, but I was thinking maybe I could bore the internet with it. And maybe I just do like a little video and I can show people through my photos. So I think I might try to do that this week. Yeah, make like a picture book.

Yeah, because it'll be too long for me to go on about every single thing. And you know me, I'm going to start going on about every single thing. But in a video, it's an own separate video, I might just do that. Yeah, do it. Make those series. Why not? Yeah. Start your own Magnolia network.

Ben's guide to Norway. Benolia in Norway. Well, I'm so glad that... So this is my first time ever going on a tour group, and I'm so glad that a member of my Norwegian tour group, Fran, will be joining us in Seattle for the Seattle show, because she's from that area. Shout out to Fran. Fran! Love it. Can't wait to meet you, Fran. Yes, she's great.

so anyway yeah dude enough about a whole series so we can watch it because watching all of your Instagram stories and stuff was just I mean that was magical my goodness I've never eaten seen somebody eat so much fish it's a lot of beautiful it was a lot of fish and really gorgeous food my God

It was amazing. The food was great. A lot of people ahead of the trip were like, does Norway really have good food? But I can tell you now, Norway has good food. And I ate a lot of it. It was basically a week of food. People are such dicks. Yes, people like food everywhere, guys. Everybody eats. Yeah. It was basically like butter, cream, butter, cream, butter, cream, butter, cream, butter, cream. I mean, it was perfect. It was wonderful. So you went to Texas? Yeah.

You were in the South? "Wait a second." "Hey, wait a minute. Stop basing your meals on my fitness pal entries." I was like, "The roads were so wide. I couldn't believe it." I was surprised by all the billboards advertising Bible things. -Imagine. -You just got scammed. I just went to Texas instead of Norway. They're like, "This is Josh, Luke and Duke. It's mayonnaise."

It's a dark mayonnaise. Fliegen, degen. You can't trick me, Helga. It was so good. But anyway, I know, I felt like I was going to say all these fun things about Norway today. And now I'm like, I don't even know what to say. You know what, you don't need to shoot your Norway load. Just let them unleash as they come up throughout the week. I know this is going to be the beginning of my new...

oh, did I tell you I went to Norway phase? Right? Like that's what's going to be for the next two weeks. It'll be like, well, when I was in Norway. Let me tell you, the forks aren't laid out the same way as they are in Norway. I'll tell you that.

I'm literally gonna be that person for like a month. I'm already-- I'm gonna apologize in advance, but I'm gonna be like, "Well, in Norway, the way they watch TV is that they act-- What they do is they just take a herring and attach an antenna to it and see what they can see." A herring with an antenna. You're just gonna be like, "I smell rain in the air, but oddly enough, it smells like Norwegian rain." Very distinct.

Ronnie, I can't help but notice a lot of sunlight coming through the windows behind you. You know, in Norway, the sun was out very late. - It could be midnight in Norway right now. - But what I will say is that today we're talking about Real Housewives of Atlanta, and I watched my screener in an airport in Helsinki, 'cause I had a layover in Helsinki, 'cause I only got back from Norway last night, by the way. I'm basically still in Norway, 'cause I was in Norway, in case you didn't hear.

And I have to say, there was something sort of weird and surreal about watching The Real Housewives of Atlanta in Helsinki at an airport. I don't know why. It just felt, like, strange to be, like, watching Bravo TV in the middle of, like, a foreign country. When we traveled last year out of the country to do Krappen shows, I was watching shows in the airport, and I was hiding the computer. Like, I felt embarrassed in Europe to be watching Housewives because I feel like there's such a...

prevalent, like, stupid Americans. And, you know, we can argue about whether that's accurate or not. Well, this is not a conversation for that. But I was definitely like, "Oh, my God, they're gonna think I'm so stupid." You know, so I was, like, hiding my housewives. And then I came back and I felt ashamed. I was like, "Why would you hide that?" -Don't hide. - "I'm proud." Be proud. Actually, what I will say, what was really so funny was that, like, one of the places that I went to, like, where my little group tour began was a...

a small city on the coast called ulusund and that was where below deck adventure was based and i was like of course that's where it was based of course everything no matter what comes back to bravo even if i go to norway i'm like oh i'm going to where below deck adventure was yeah i saw captain kerry messaging you'd be like hello mate i see you're out having an adventure you need any tips on the locals let me know i know the best tin fish stops there are

He did. He gave me some tips because I also made it my mission to recreate Faye's official Bravo bio photo there at Ellison. So I found what looked to be the exact spot where she posed. And I found some random stranger. I said, "Excuse me.

Could you hold my camera? I'm trying to do a picture, and I'm also trying to make it look like this woman. And I showed her the picture of Faye standing there like, I'm Faye. Wear your hair down and makeup on your face when you're sleeping, people.

Oh, that's really important in this town is lipstick and hairspray, ladies. Get out there. Get out there and impress. So let's get to Real Housewives of Atlanta. Now, we're celebrating one of my favorite housewives things this week, which is really rich people patting themselves on the back for taking a luxury trip and bagging some shit up for Goodwill. I mean, you would think these women donated their implants to...

starving children i mean i'm like wow you guys are really they did really patting their themselves on the shoulder really hard for this while they're packing for a luxury trip they're like it's really all about the charity all right yeah take that money and give that to the poor people okay then i'll be impressed but as for the rest of it we start with samia

with Shia and you see just massive boxes of little girl shit that they've packed up. And she's like, "We're giving all this stuff away to charity 'cause we're good people." And she's like, "No! Fuck poor people! I wanna keep it!" It was so interesting because, you know, on the one hand, it's like, this is so lovely that they're giving all these toys to the poor people. But then, honestly, my first instinct was,

"Why the fuck did they buy that many toys for that one little girl?" She was stacks on stacks on stacks on stacks of toys. - Literal garage. - This is so excessive. Like, you get-- You want, like, a-- You want a trophy for donating all this stuff, and yet, like, let's not overlook the insane overconsumption here. This was-- It was so crazy. Yeah, I mean, this is Housewives, though, you know? That's what it is. But it's like, yeah. They're like, "We're such givers." It's like, guys...

- Yeah, congratulations. - I just imagine Melissa Gorga standing there at the donation center like, "Oh, here you go, enjoy your used clothes." - From Envy. It's the overstock from Envy. - Yeah. And meanwhile, she's like, "Yeah, you know, my daughters are blessed, but I just don't want them growing up bratty." And cut to her kid with like, you know, a mile high stack of shit.

Yeah, and you know, the only reason why they're getting rid of that shit is because there's new shit to take its place. Like, there's... You cannot tell me that there's... This kid now has no toys. Like, she... Look, she seems like a great little girl, but like, wait, this is too much. This is too much. I'm sorry. You should not have...

So many for one child although I guess she has I know she has more than one child but it seemed like all these toys were really for this for Shia and You should not have so many toys that they can fit in stacks and stacks and stacks all the way up to the roof of your garage I'm sorry. It is too much

Here's what you need. One good toy. So like when I was a kid, I mean, I had toys and stuff. It's not like I was so deprived, you know, I was a spoiled kid, but you need one good toy that can just, you can have fun with forever. I had this toy box that was shaped like a big plastic football. And then I would shove my little sister in there. And then me and my friends would like roll her down the street in it. Or we'd like push it down the stairs with her in it.

Ideally, any sort of vessel that you can put another child into and roll them around somewhere, that's really all you need. All you need is an abuse chamber for that sibling, you know? And then you've got fun that'll last for years, 'cause we're still laughing about it now. My sister laughs like this, though.

She's like still laughing about it to my therapist. I feel like a child could probably, I'm just trying to think of what I had. And like, I think I probably had about,

I probably had, if you put it all together, maybe like two laundry baskets worth of toys, which I think is like a nice amount of variety or whatever. It's just, it's not, it's just, it's not a garage full. I mean, it's just at that point, you're spoiling your child. Well, you know, if you can do it, do it. It's America. I pay taxes to spoil my own child if I want to.

Spoil your child. Go have fun with it. But I also fully expect you to then, you know, you also have to foot the therapy bill later on, okay? Yeah, and then she makes her husband look really good too, 'cause she's like, "Well, you know, the thing is, I'm just a giver. Like, I'm just-- All I do is give, give, give. Like, I love charity, you know?" And it's a bit of a tug of war, even with my husband, 'cause I remember I pulled under the 285 bridge, and I just started cooking.

an entirely separate meal for homeless people. Like, well, what does that mean? You pulled under the bridge, like, were you cooking another meal for your family under the bridge? - I know. Was there a meal on top of the bridge that was happening?

She's like, "I cooked an entirely separate meal for the homeless people." And my husband was like, "Get in the car. Get in the car right now." But I wouldn't, because you got to pay it forward. And the way I pay it forward is I drive under freeways, I pull out a George Foreman grill and get some hot dogs going. I'm like, "Speed the fuck out of there." Why did I feel like this story was not true? -Or was embellished? -Silly.

Something about it just was too self-serving. I just pulled up under the freeway and started cooking for the homeless. Oh, okay. Did you bring a grill? Because she also makes it sound like it was spontaneous. Like she just pulled over and started cooking and her husband was like, no, get back in the car. The implication is they were growing somewhere. They were going off to the mall or something. And she's like, wait, I have to cook a meal. Was there...

- Where's there like a homeless-- - I feel the charity coming on, get me out of this car right now, get the foreman out of the trunk, I'm cooking right now for these homeless people.

Yeah, I just did not believe this. And like, I would love to be proven wrong. Show the photos. That'd be one. And then I'll be like, you know what? That's great. I will eat my words just the way the people ate your food. But until then, I'm sorry. This just sounds like the biggest crock of shit. Like, no, you didn't pull over under the road, under the bypass and cooked a meal for everyone. And then her husband didn't even know she was going to do it. That's the best part. Get back in the car. What are you doing? Yeah.

That meant that she was driving around with ingredients and cooking materials and potentially a grill, or maybe she used some open fire that was already happening. But I just don't... Some open fire.

She just already used the trash fire or whatever the metal dumpster. - Well, maybe she was coming back from Costco and she was like, you know what? - That's just funny, I'm sorry. - I don't know. - It's just how it was worded was so funny. So now we enter the part where every housewife has to prove how charitable they are 'cause it's like a charity episode and that's a big part of "Housewives" or it used to be anyway.

So they're like, "Well, I'm charitable. Oh God, I just love giving stuff away. Housefuls of stuff, just stuff, so much stuff. God, just last week I gave away so much stuff. I gave away so much last week. I hope I have enough left this week to give away." - That's a lot of stuff.

So Cynthia donates stuff and she was like, it was important for me to go and walk down the aisle and pick out all my supplies. So she shows up and then someone arrives. She had Peter in a box. They're like, this is not, you can't give this away. She's like, please just take him.

"Thank you, he's going to jail soon, just..." - It's his big ploy to get out of the country. He's like, "Wrap me up, make it seem like I'm supplies. Peter's Brew." It's like, here, surplus from Peter's Brew. Just a bunch of beans, but Peter's like... Peter has a straw that's poking out above the beans so he can breathe, but he's really being smuggled out of the country. - Yeah, it's like some expired Peter's Brew fucking pods. Or like Chihil books, like a whole box of just leftover copies of Chihil.

Yeah. And then Drew sent someone to give something. And then Portia says, "I'm very philanthropic, so I definitely have sent in a donation." Which means that she did not give to this drive, but maybe she cut a check to the organization. -But basically-- - She sent a wig. She sent an old discarded wig. Like, she smashed off a borrowed wig from Lauren and put it in an envelope. Well, I hope that Dennis sent some hot dogs for crying out loud.

So they all talk about it. And Angela said that she grew up, you know, going to the Salvation Army because there was a program where inner city kids could eat. And so, you know, it's a give back thing. So everybody's doing that. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Krappens commercial.

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And then we get my favorite part of it all, the shame, the shame of Brit showing up and being like,

"Guys, it's been so hard. I had the worst experience with my party planner, and so I brought some toilet paper." And they're like, "You just brought toilet paper?" She brought like... She brought like one or two of the four packs. It wasn't even like one of those big old things that you have to put a handle on out of Target. It was literally she just went to CVS and found one.

And she's such a liar. She's like, "No, I have so much stuff, but I couldn't carry everything in the car, so I'm just gonna have somebody send it later." I'm like, "You mean, so that four pack of toilet paper took up too much room in the back seat? Oh, okay." And she even put it in a box to make it seem like it was more than it was, but they opened up the box. And they totally called her out on it. They just opened it and Shamil was like, "I see what you're doing. This is bare naked or whatever. The boxes are bare naked."

And she's, and Brit, by the way, and Brit said, I got a text from Shamia and like, it was late notice that she wanted us to donate. So I got as much as I could. She was like implying that like, because Shamia told them so late, she couldn't donate more. I'm like, you're in your house. You just go around, you find some stuff. You can always find something to donate. Always. Go to Drew's house. She'll have, cause Drew didn't bring shit either. You know, Drew brought like a Pop-Tart.

Drew's like, "Here. Here's a half-eaten Pop-Tart and a Ring Cam I stole out of Ralph's basement." I know. She should have donated Ralph's keyboard. - - The boombox. Even the needy people are like, "I'm not taking this boombox. What the hell do I look like? Give me a purse." Oh, my gosh. Yeah, Brit is-- You know, one thing that we talked about a few weeks ago was when they went to Nashville and there was, like, some--

some focus on the fact that Kelly arranged for Brit to get like some glam done by her-- by Paris, her person. We were like, "This felt like it was setting up for some sort of...

some sort of issue with Brit being cheap or not paying something and then it just sort of went away. But it looks like next week, according to the previews, it looks like the focus is coming back to Brit basically being cheap and not paying for shit. -Yeah. -And so I'm really excited on this front. Oh, good. Yeah, that's a little thread. They'll pick it up. I'm hoping it ties back to Paris. I'm hoping.

Oh, Paris. Yeah, Paris seems like way worse than we've seen so far. So I'd like to see the full Paris effect. Yeah, I agree. Like, Paris put her in... I'm assuming it was Paris that put Kelly in that outfit that she wore to watch What Happens Live, but that's the same outfit that Phaedra wears in the opening of this show, and I'm so embarrassed because I feel like Phaedra did it first if it was... I mean, it would have already been filmed, right? So... Yeah, I was...

it would have been filmed and so when you see that Kelly actually wore that that outfit on Watch What Happens Live it's like really because it's such a it's such a really striking look for the opening for Phaedra's look so the fact that she would try to kind of like do it first I'm like where did that come from yeah why did she even do that and I was like if I lived in Atlanta I would look out and see if there was a head rolling down the street like a head with a Kate Gosselin haircut

It's just like Paris's head rolling down the street like, "I'm sorry, girl. I'm sorry." Because you deserve it, girl. That was terrible. That was embarrassing. So then we get-- We're talking about going to Grenada and, you know, it's one of those like, "We are girls and so we're gonna reset and renew because that's what this friend group needs."

Yeah. That's always the most hilarious thing that they do before a trip on every single Real Housewives show. "There's been a lot of tension, so we're gonna go on a group trip, and we're just gonna reset and be friends." I'm like, "We're-- I think next year we might be hitting, like, year 20 of the Real Housewives. I'm not sure." Has the vacation ever healed anyone? - - Literally never. Have we ever seen any healing?

- Literal never. - Maybe the closest is when that one boring vacation, I think in Greece where Cynthia made them like cast things into the water. But generally speaking, no healing on these things. Yeah, no healing. This is not a show for healing, okay? So, healing your off season. That's what I say. So, Shamia's like, "Okay, you know, me and Portia had a discussion and now we're getting along great 'cause, you know, we kind of fought in a tea shop."

But then I think Portia took five Ts to go.

Or the food. Portia's like, "We're done here. I will take that food to go." And she just keeps eating it. They're taking the plate away and she's like grabbing food and then leaves. "I'll take hers too. I'll take hers too." - Yeah. And then Shia comes out and she announces that like, "After this one, then that's the last box." And they're like, "Yay, Shia." So speaking of tea, now we go to Portia and Drew going to a coffee shop to also have tea.

And Portia walks in and Drew is wearing this blonde wig. And so Portia's like, "Oh, I didn't recognize you from the back." Which it turns out that was like her little jab because Drew is like not wearing go-naked hair. Like apparently she's supposed to be, but not supposed to be at the same time. Well, I think she quit doing it and Portia was trying to shade her wig. She's like, "That's not go-naked hair." But the producer's like, "Well, actually she said it was 'cause we saw Drew post on Instagram and tagged

"Go naked hair." And she's like, "Um, then it must be a mixture. Must be a mixture." She's calling her own wigs trash. Like, she's self-burning, basically. So then they order tea, and this is all to have peace before the trip, right? So...

Drew has already ordered a tea. So she gets her tea and then Portia asks what tea they have. And the lady's like, "We've got this tea, that tea. We've got some with ginger and turmeric." And then Drew's like, "Oh my God, I need the ginger and turmeric too, because this is free. So just please bring me a ginger and turmeric, 'cause I have vocal cords. I'm a very serious singer now. I'm basically Celine, so please get me some turmeric."

I'm losing my voice. I've been doing backup singing for Candace again. So I've been doing a lot of, uh, uh, uh. Yeah. And she says it like 10 times in the scene, like, oh, are you sure you don't have the turmeric? Because my voice, I'm a singer.

very very big singer huge oh I can barely talk now is the air on oh porcupine porcupine porcupine porcupine porcupine yellow Lori they're at Lori yellow Lori sorry I have to keep my instrument fresh because it is paying for your daughter's college so

Drew's like, "Well, I'm gonna have an album release showcase." And I don't even know if you know, but I did sign my deal with Dennis. I'm like, "What is happening? Are they working together? Are they not working together? I can't figure this out anymore." Well, now they're working together again because-- Well, last week she had this thing where she's like, "Okay, we're going to my record signing today."

"Okay. Well, we know what her record company is." So, I was like, "What's this thing gonna be? How's she gonna be signing for her record?" But she goes to some office with her lawyer and then she calls Dennis before they sign the deal so that Dennis can apologize to her. So, Dennis apologizes. He's like, "I never made it. I never..."

made it seem that way. I don't know what Portia's thinking. And so then she's like, oh my God, I signed my deal with Dennis. So at one minute she's saying she's going to sign her deal, like making it sound like it's a record company. But then it sounded like she was signing a deal through the lawyer for Dennis to produce the music for her. So I don't know, fucking Drew, why so much? I don't know what the hell's going on.

Yeah, it's really hard to follow, except just still, whenever I get confused, I just say, Ben, just remember, you don't have to worry about like the nitty gritty about this record deal. Just know that Drew is singing music that was produced by a hot dog salesman. Just always remember that, make that your guiding light and you will always be happy.

So Portia's basically saying like, you know, now Portia's decided that the fact that Drew is working with Dennis, like what, with all the things going on in her life, this is on a scale of one to 10, this is just a two. So she's, for whatever reason, this thing that she was so angry about all season, she's now dropped it down to a two. And I have to believe that she has recalibrated it

because now she's had her petty moment where she filmed with Ralph a few weeks ago, and now, like, it's even. She did her petty thing, and now she doesn't care. She wants to move on, start a new fight with someone. Yeah, 'cause this fight's so stupid, and it's way late in the season to still be fighting over this. And I think even Portia's bored. You know, she's like, "This isn't even fun. Let's move this along." So, this is Bueller, my dog. He is on his way here from Texas. This lady's driving him. I'm so excited he should be here today. But she sends me these pictures. Does he look like he is being held hostage?

I think I mean most dogs technically if they're on a leash sort of look like that anyway right they just want to run free get that camera out of my face I'm not gonna I'm not gonna read your message on camera okay he just he looks he looks more like when they um saved Damien Lewis and on the first episode of of Homeland and they were like pulled him out of a bunker in Iraq and yeah they're like is he a hero or a terrorist that's how I'm gonna be with Bueller when he comes home

Has Bueller been radicalized? We're going to have some sensitive conversations without you in the room. I don't know if I can trust you yet.

I always hated on that show. I think we discussed this. I always hated that that character's name was Brody. His last name was Brody. His name was Tom Brody or something like that, not to be confused with Tom Brady. But everyone would call him Brody. I was like, okay, they always call him Brody because that's his last name. But then his wife would call him Brody. I'm like, what? Isn't it weird that you're

You're Brody, too. It always bothered me. Like, the whole show, I hated that. The show would be like, Brody. All the things to bother you about Homeland. That's what really stuck in your craw. Well, number one was the awful theme music. You know that show about terrorism and betrayal and cheating and psychological warfare? God, it really bugged me that they called that guy Brody. I didn't like that she called him Brody. Because you're Brody, too. No, it makes sense. I also hated that theme music. That's what got you hung up.

Yeah. The theme music was terrible on that show. It drove me absolutely nuts. - Oh, the acid jazz. - The horn and the-- Because she's bipolar or whatever. They're like, "Bipolar people only hear things in acid jazz." The key of acid jazz. Why couldn't they have hired Amy Grant to do it instead? Amy Grant doing the Homeland-- The Homeland theme song. It'd just be a ballad. It'll be like...

♪ I thought you were gone ♪ ♪ But you came back to me ♪ - Wait a minute, is this song about Jesus?

- What the hell is this? ♪ That's what love can do ♪ - They should use that song. - Have a time machine. So Portia and Drew are having a tea fight, basically. She was like, "Oh, ginger and turmeric." And the waiter's like, "Guess what? We are out. We gave her the last ginger and turmeric. Sorry." So you're gonna have to pick something else.

"No, no, you don't have ginger and turmeric, but my voice, listen to it, my voice." And so she's like, "Okay, ma'am, I'll see if I can make you something." She's just, "Whatever you make me, just make it for my voice, really." And then she goes, "Not black tea?" She goes, "No, not black tea." And then so she brings her tea and she's like, "Um, okay." And now Drew's cheap ass has two free teas in front of her. And so she's like, "What is this one?" They're like, "Black tea." She's like, "No!"

I really need it for my voice. You know, I was really need to sound with my vocal cords. - Drew, the tea is not gonna help at this point, okay? The ship has sailed, okay? - Yeah. Turmeric doesn't help tone.

- That's right. That's right. - So Portia, so they're talking about Dennis a little bit and then it goes south pretty quickly. Portia's like, you know, I was upset. I could have communicated better, but you know, I know that you were supposed to be promoting your music on the show and he said he wanted to clear his name. So I know that he did that with you on camera, but you know, like you're romantically linked. And she's like, what?

And she goes, "Well, I mean, it's there. It's not like I did it. It's there. Like, you're romantically linked now." She's like, "Um, that makes me feel very uncomfortable, both vocally and psychologically, because it's just not-- it's not real. It's not, you know?" Yeah, but at the end of the day, you get ginger for turmeric, and you mentioned me filming with Dennis, and, like, we're here to clear the air about that, and, like, you've been filming with Ralph. You know? And so then they show a clip of that.

And Portia is like, "No, no, I came to meet Jamia, and Jamia was already meeting with Ralph." - Which is like, - Oh wow.

Yeah, you knew Ralph was gonna be there. Of course. What a coincidence. Wow. I just got there so quick, you know, with all the camera crews and the call sheets. Didn't-- Had no idea. No idea. And Portia, who is always fond of walking out of a scene, I mean, she's been doing this for years. She will walk out of a scene if she doesn't want to do it anymore. She did not turn around when she saw Ralph. She did not say, "Oh, this is wrong." Okay? 'Cause, you know, I mean, she walked out of Kenya's spa day or whatever her spa day was,

her big flame out. So she'll walk out if she feels like something is wrong. But she definitely stayed and sat and got that meal with Ralph. Yeah. Because, yeah, she even walks out of the scene. So, yeah, I think you're right. So Drew's like, oh, I'm listening to you. I want to give you the floor.

And so Portia's like, "Well, you know, Dennis just wanted to make it clear that I'm not the one. And you know, she's got somebody else in the first place. You know, that guy Black." And she's like, "Um, Black? You mean my friend?" She's like, "Oh yeah, your friend. Your friend Black." "Really? Black. You're dating Black. Admit that you're dating Black." And she's like, "What about you and Future?" She's like, "How dare you? How dare you say I'm dating Future?" Shannon Bedore. Oh, was that what the- "How dare you accuse me of dating Future?"

"Future the Pearl." - I didn't realize that was the name that they were bleeping out. I love that. I figured it had to be somewhat important because like Black-- - I think it was that. - Well, with Black, they blurred out his face, right? They showed a picture with Dennis and Drew and Black, right? Or was the guy who I thought was Dennis, was that Black?

I don't remember who they were blocking out of there, but they said Black, but then they wouldn't say Future. But yeah, there were roommates that she was dating Future. Simon had suspicions of Portia sleeping with Future during their marriage. Oh, don't. Oh, don't. Oh, don't. Future is hot. I'm going to support Portia leaving Simon or having an affair with Future over Simon. One, you know, an old man's never going to like the term Future anyway.

Oh, that's hilarious. It's in our nature. Like our future is not bright.

- Oh, goodness. - So now they're getting mad at each other about who they're accusing each other of dating 'cause neither one of them wants this on TV. But Portia's like, "You're dating somebody." And then Drew's like, "Okay, well then you're dating somebody." So now it's a, who can be faker on TV and hide their boyfriend the best? So Drew's like, "I'm not gonna jeopardize my future with my kids to start dating. I'm not gonna do that."

And Portia's like, well, people, married people date all the time.

Right. And yeah, and but Drew is like, no, I'm in a very messy divorce and you don't understand. It's very tricky. And, you know, like, you know, I don't really need the smoke for me when it isn't real. OK, because that's the elephant in the room. Portia's like, OK. She's like, OK, I'm not going to argue with you, Drew. I'm really not. She's like, well, she's like, no, no one's arguing. We're just two grown women having discussions and me accusing you of dating future, which, by the way, of course, like, you know, like,

This is so Drew and Portia because like, Portia's rumor is that she's linked to like a music superstar and Drew's is something she just, some random dude. Like Drew's like doing music with hot dog makers and she doesn't, even her rumors are low rent. - Get better rumors. So then the waiter comes back and they're like, "Okay ma'am, we finally got you a tea we think you're gonna like. Here's your black tea." She's like, "No!"

So Portia walks out of the scene and she's like, "I'm not doing this. I've never even met Bleep. I'm not dating anybody. I'm not doing this. I'm not doing that. Future, future, future. Now, how dare you?" So she leaves and that's just another Portia walking out scene. And Drew just keeps talking over Portia. And I don't know what's silly, but...

It was still fun to watch. Drew pretending she's Celine Dion trying to get the property made my week. -It made my week early. - I know. Not that she had any sort of singing gigs on the horizon. And I also thought she finished recording her album. I'm not sure. So, like, why are you-- What is happening here that you need to save your vocal cords for? You're also going to Grenada, so... ♪ Commercials ♪ ♪ Here comes one right now ♪

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Every big moment starts with a big dream. But what happens when that big dream turns out to be a big flop? From Wondery and At Will Media, I'm Misha Brown, and this is The Big Flop. Every week, comedians join me to chronicle the biggest flubs, fails, and blunders of all time, like Quibi. It's kind of like when you give yourself your own nickname and you try to, like, get other people to do it. And the 2019 movie adaptation of...

Like if I'm watching the dancing and I'm noticing the feet aren't touching the ground, there's something wrong with the movie. Find out what happens when massive hype turns into major fiasco. Enjoy The Big Flop on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to The Big Flop early and ad-free on Wondery Plus. Get started with your free trial at wondery.com slash plus. Now it's time to pack. Everyone's packing. So we see Britt,

And she's talking to Mimosa, still trying to make Mimosa happen. And she's like, I'm not leaving you, Mimosa. You know, if you hop in the suitcase, we're going to go together. And then Shamia's mom is over at her house. And she's like, don't forget to carry your Bible with you. It's always good to have your Bible just in case. Don't forget, we're good people. We carry Bibles in our suitcases and

And some Salisbury steaks in case we see poor people under a bridge. Just in case. And Shamia's like, you know what? You're right. Nothing like a good rebirth of Christ washing their sins away.

Then we go to Ashley, I mean, Angela and Amari, and they're in one of her houses that's not selling. I feel so bad for her with these houses that aren't selling. Like every time we see one, she's like, "I don't know why this isn't selling. We bought it for 300,000 and I'm selling it for $18 million. I mean, I just don't get it."

Do you think that maybe I should get rid of the portal to hell that's in the closet that took a little blonde girl? It's like, mom, that's poltergeist. No, what happened here too? You need to stop letting your husband show those houses because, you know, he's just like, here's where we make Brussels sprouts. That's the whole house. Get the fuck out. I know. You don't deserve this house. Get the fuck out of here.

But it is refreshing. I think I've seen a lot of people online saying how refreshing it is that Angela is not, um, she's not hiding away from how much of that she's in because Amari-- And just in general, she's like, very honest about it. 'Cause Amari's like, "Well, Mom, what would be your overall, you know, average-- What would be your rating for this house so far?" And most housewives would say, "Well, this is an A+ property, right, America?" Angela goes, "It's an F." "This sucks."

So then we go over to Kelly's and she's packing and she's talking to her girls and she's like, "Mommy's going on a girl's trip, girls." And they're like, "Mom, how long? Who's taking care of us? What are we doing? Where's Grenada? What's happening?" And so their uncle's gonna take them to school and Uncle Lamont.

And then she's like, "You can't have him take us to our first day of school. They're gonna think he's dad." They're horrified by this. So, Uncle Lamont's not even their real uncle, just like a close friend. And so, Kelly has to go tell him like, "Okay, this is what it is, 'cause you gotta drop these kids off at this school, then these kids off at this school, and these kids off at this school."

I like Kelly. I'm going to have to politely request that if she gets another season that we sunset the storylines about her children. Just in general. Let's just...

Let's a general note, like more waffle, less children. I just, I do not care about how they get to school. It's not interesting or fascinating. I mean, I know that she's got a terrible custody battle going on or dealing with her ex and that's terrible, but it's all off camera. So I'm just listening or talking about stuff that happens off camera all season long. And I do feel like she could be a really good housewife and she started the season really well, but they've just kind of like put her in this rut of like, here I am talking to my daughters again and her daughter and all the daughters being like,

really mom I don't think I need this anymore so let's let's move on to the waffles let's focus on the waffles waffles I want waffle drama yeah I need to see what's happening always restaurant what's going on with construction if you started hiring people 100%

Yeah. Did the griddle break? The griddle. I need to know about the iron. I need to see the remodel. Because remember, didn't they go to like an old pizza hut or something? And she's like, oh, I can't wait to use these old Parmesan shakers as, you know, light bulbs or whatever she was going to do. Like, I want to see that.

I will literally watch anything about the waffle as long as I don't have to watch the daughters. And they seem like lovely daughters. It's not a commentary on the daughters, it's just it's not interesting television to me. And shit, we do so much medical-- medically impressive stuff these days that I say just start giving birth to waffles. Now, if you had a storyline about when you have to drop off the waffles at school... Yeah, Lamont will get his ass there at five in the morning to pick up waffles.

Get the waffles. Waffle delivery, okay? That's how they'd get me to take the kids to school. "Ronnie, you can eat this waffle once it's in the school driveway and just tape a waffle to the child's head. I'll be there." Taking each one to wherever you need to go. ♪ I'll be there ♪ You know, I heard that that song was originally about waffles. "I'll be there." That would also be a good Homeland theme song.

I'll be there. Terrorism. The great terrorism. I'll be there to protect you unless I'm radicalized. The entire song is like, I'll be there, but will I really be there? It's like a radicalized anthem.

So Uncle Lamont has news, guys. He has FaceTimed the ex-husband. And she's like, "Excuse you?" And he's like, "Yeah, you know, because I'm still friends with him, kinda. And I know it's gotten bitter through the divorce, but, you know, we had a good relationship, so I figured it's at least worth a call. And, you know, I said, 'You and Kelly should get back in a good place.'" And he was like, "No." And I said, "But you should get in a good place for the kids." And he said, "No."

Well, the man's direct at least. Jeez. So in summary, a person who's not really on the show FaceTimed with someone who's completely not on the show, and they talked about logistics about some children who are sometimes on the show, and he chose not to pick up those children. So that was... And his only quote was Garcelle Bouvet's, "No." - "Can we get along?" - So Kelly-- "No."

So Kelly is understandably upset because it's like she has to do everything and it sucks to have this dad. And this guy's a piece of shit. I mean, he's a total piece of shit, like garbage person. And I will not deny that. And I'm never going to take this guy's side. But I'm just, I think I, you know, like, I don't know. Like, what does Bravo want me to do? Watching some other person talk about talking about this person off camera. I'm like, there's got to be, we got to do something better than this. Kelly deserves better. She's more interesting than what they're giving her.

Yeah, my jury's still out on that one. I can't tell. I'm not a hater, but I'm still like, eh. I'm not as into it. More waffles would change everything. Waffles. More waffles. Waffles. Waffles are the magic here. Waffles are magic. So she cries because her ex-husband's a piece of shit. So understandable. So then we go to the airport. It's the arriving...

It's the arriving at the airport scene. And Porsche is actually first, which is crazy. I think that's like a first in Real Housewives of Atlanta history where Porsche has been the first one to arrive somewhere.

Yeah, maybe they give her a different time or something like that. But yeah, they go there to that hellacious airport, I would like to add. - And they all-- - It's huge. - Oh my God. - It's huge. Huge and-- They fuck with you on purpose in Atlanta. They'll be like, "Okay, here's your gate. Here's where you're landing in C. So get to your flight in 10 minutes, 30 miles away, and take 10 trains and stop at a Wendy." I'm like, "Ma'am, what kind of map is this?"

And they have a crazy shuttle. They have a crazy shuttle between terminals. You know, you got, again, that little subway. And as you're approaching the terminal, it's like, you're approaching Terminal C. C is for chicken. Terminal C.

Terminal B, like biscuit. Terminal B. All right, now make your way down through Terminal B. Take the train to Terminal Z. That'll U-turn into Terminal 2. We're just going to start numbering them now. Whoops, sorry, guys. Z is closed. Z is closed. Please take a detour. Not going to tell you what that detour is, but I don't know. Maybe you can walk around in a circle with your eyes closed and hope you hit the gate. Good luck.

You are currently at Terminal B for Big Mac, and up next will be Terminal M for McDLT, and then we have Terminal Q for Quarter Pounder with some cheese, and then Terminal F for Filet-O-Fish, Terminal H for Hamburger, Terminal C again for Cheeseburger, Terminal H, a Happy Meal. Ben's like, what? It's 11.30 and still light outside. Am I in Norway? No, Ben, you're in the food court, Ben. You took the wrong left turn.

I never got on the plane. - It never gets dark in here. Just like Norway, the Subaru's still lit. - It's remarkable how Norway looks just like LAX. It's like, Ben, you never got on the plane. No, I'm pretty sure I flew somewhere. - You're still at LAX. - Okay, so Angela meets Phaedra for the first time 'cause Phaedra's back.

- Yes. - And so Angela seems like she's pretty nice to Phaedra. Phaedra would be wise to be nice to Angela. I think it's a very bad move to start shit with Angela. Like, you need Angela on your side. She's a better age to be friends with, and she will rip these ladies apart with you. And you don't wanna start truth bombs with Angela because if you're trying not to talk about this candy shit, Angela, I think, will talk about it immediately. Like, I'm surprised she hasn't yet.

Yeah. Yeah. Because Angela's like, this is my first time meeting Phaedra and she seems like she's going to be a lot of fun. And so I'm willing to put all the things I heard about her in the back of my mind just to get to know her for myself. But then Phaedra says, Angela's definitely the oldest looking young woman I've ever met. Hopefully her personality is more youthful than her face. I was like, wow, that was Phaedra Parks. I mean, it was kind of funny, but I was like, but I love Angela. So,

I don't know. I don't know. I think you're, I think you're, you're, you're, what is it? You're hitching your ride to the wrong horse on this one. Yeah, I do. I think so too. Or hitching your horse to the wrong wagon or whatever. But yeah, I think she, I think of course that was horrible to say, but I laughed. So I was, I mean, I laughed. At this point, I'm just glad to laugh. So I'm still okay. I'm still. Feels good to laugh again. Feels good.

Feels good to laugh again, guys. So Kelly's, I love Phaedra. I love Phaebe. So, you know, she's like, is she going to revive a body on vacation? She's a funeral director. So far. Yeah. So that's why I appreciate Phaedra. Because you get like a Phaedra line that you're like, oh my God, that hurt. But it's also hilarious to a Kelly and then a Shamia. And I'm like, okay, I got to appreciate the Phaedra.

Yeah, so Shamia is saying, "Well, this lady wears a lot of hats, and if somebody needs to be bailed out of jail, she's gonna be there to do it. And somebody needs to be framed for something, she'll be there to do it, okay?" That was funny. So then we-- Drew comes and she's like, "I'm so excited to go to the beach. Some of the ladies here, I mean, I just don't want drama. I just want rejuvenation."

I can't wait for that sea air. Someone close the basement door, please. Close the basement door. I thought that was her vocal cord warm up. Ginger. Ginger turmeric. Ginger turmeric.

You know, when I was in ninth grade, I was in sleepwalk camp. And I was in, of course, like the play. And the drama teacher said that to warm up – he was British. He was like, to warm up your mouth, you have to say red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry. And he said –

He said that in America, it's normally red leather, yellow leather, but that in Britain, they go, "Red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry." - Red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow-- - I can't do those. I think red leather, yellow leather is harder. I can't even do an ad read on this show. Half the time, I'm like... I'm a tongue-tied person. My tongue's too big for that red lorry, yellow lorry shit.

By the way, we should bring in Fran to do an ad because you know what Fran's a big fan of? Quince. She was like, I got this at Quince. I was like, Fran, we're going to hire you to do our ads. Yeah, hell yeah. We love some Quince over here, Fran. So they have arrived. They did it. They're in Grenada. They are now in Grenada. Shamia's just throwing steaks at people's heads. And Shamia's...

Luggage is gone. It did not get on the plane. And she's like, "I hope the Bible's not in that one." Oh, no. So, somewhere back in Atlanta, there's a suitcase of... of... of mom outfits back there. I feel like Shamia always-- She doesn't have mom outfits, do you think? Or auntie. They're like very-- I don't know. I just feel like Shamia used to look so youthful and now she dresses so matronly. Have you noticed that? It drives me nuts.

Matronly? I mean, I don't know what kind of matronly people you're around, but she was wearing jeans that were just kind of sewed together with a leather strap that went up her butt last week, I think. That's... But your mom doesn't wear that?

Maybe it's just the hair. Maybe it's just the hair. I assume everything's made from late. Well, yeah, her clothes are gone. Honestly, this whole cast right now could lose their suitcases, and I think I would be okay. They could bring in those two people from What Not to Wear. Just start with Kelly and work your way around. Yeah, that would be great. So, yeah, she doesn't have her bag, which does kind of suck because you're on camera and you're excited about your looks, and then she's there in her yellow airplane travel look, and she's just stuck with it.

But she's like, look, as long as I have my underwear, I'll be fine. I just don't want to have dirty, crusty underwear. Congratulations, you've reached the end of part one of a two-part recap. For part two, go look for the recap that says part two. See you over there, suckers.

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At 24, I lost my narrative, or rather it was stolen from me. And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours. Something you possess is lost or stolen, and ultimately you triumph in finding it again.

So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks, both recognizable and unrecognizable names about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph. My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank up. They connected with the people that I'm talking to and leave with maybe some nuggets that help them feel a little more hopeful.

Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.