#2883 Top Chef S22E13: Milan Dollar Baby
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Oh,

Hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker and joining me today is the hilarious and wonderful Ronnie Karam. Hi Ronnie, how are you doing? Hello Ben and Annie Toons, what are you doing today?

Just here to talk Top Chef with you. Before we dive into that, we have a show in Seattle this Thursday. We're recapping The Real Housewives of Miami. And then next Thursday, we have our final show of the year, live show that is, here in Los Angeles. Come to our grand finale. We're most likely going to be recapping The Valley, unless something changes. But it looks like it's going to be The Valley.

uh tickets to both shows are at watch what crapens.com or i should say ticket links are if you are one of those people that's like i want to go but i can't get in my friends to come because your friends are stupid come alone it's okay you will meet friends and even if you don't you'll have a great time solo things are really fun to do so go get your tickets we're gonna have a great final two shows of the year also come join us on patreon patreon.com watch what crappens

We have all sorts of fun rewards here. There's Crap is on Demand, where you can watch us, not just listen. And the Crap is on Demand stuff, like this show, for instance, is Crap is on Demand. After a week, it will be free and live on YouTube. But if you want to get it fresh, it's with Crap is on Demand. And even more fun is that we are doing, for our bonus episodes, we're doing...

daily recaps of Love Island on Patreon all season long. So we're having a lot of fun doing that, talking all sorts of shit about those kids. And we don't even care. We don't care that they're kids. We're talking shit. So go join us at Patreon. And that's basically it. And today we're talking Top Chef. And since this is our food-oriented show of the week, I just want to give one final...

shameless promotion of my sub stack because I put my whole Norway trip up there on sub stacks. So go to nbdfancy.substack.com if you want to read about everything I ate in Norway. And with that, shall we get on to the penultimate episode of

of Top Chef Destination Canada, Ronnie? Yes, I would love to, but I also want to take a second to thank our listener, Michelle. Michelle made an entire Google spreadsheet of all of our episodes time-coded out, which is absolutely insane. We need to add this to our website. Can we, can we, Daddy Ben? Yeah, we can add that. Michelle, email us. It is, yeah, she emailed it to us. It's here also. Yeah, I answered it, so you probably didn't see it. Ben, check the email. I'll send it to you right now so you have it. Thank you. Ben,

Okay, so this lady made an excellent spreadsheet. It has all the episodes. So if you're looking for any episode every season, we're trying to get our backlog put up on our site. But we'll definitely have this to supplement that because it even has all the old ones when we would do like three different shows in one episode.

episode it has time codes for like when we start what episodes and what we cover in those episodes I mean it is great so Michelle thank you thank you Michelle such work went into this so thank you so much we'll see her in Seattle this week so thank you Michelle you're a hero you can also find that over on the watch what crap and subreddit

which I believe she posted it on there too. So thank you so, so much. That's wonderful. Yeah, that is fantastic. I'm always so impressed by our listeners. They do such amazing things. Yeah, that's pretty amazing. Okay, so let's get on with it. We are in the semi-finale of Chopper Chef. And why are y'all bringing Olympiads on here today?

Every two years they do the Olympics episode. It's always so dull. Why in the finale? It's like the end of the most serious time and you guys are like, let's have a bunch of people who don't know what they're doing fuck around in the whole thing.

Yeah, let's have the let's let's. OK, your future on this show, cooking the finale is all going to depend on how a Bob's letter decides what you made. Yeah. Bob's letter trying to figure out what the fuck broccolini is. OK, yeah.

Can we not? I mean, I know that NBCU always has to promote their upcoming Olympic games, but it's 20. What year is it right now? 2025. The Winter Olympics are not until they're not. It's the final one. Whatever year is, is the final one of the world. Oh, by the way, it's something we didn't know. Finish what you were saying. No,

No, I literally said that. It's like the Winter Olympics are like nine months away. Do we have to start promoting them on Bravo right now on Top Chef at this moment? Please. Yeah. Never mind. I'm not going to say what I was going to say. I want to know. So yeah, here we are. No, I'll tell you later. I'll tell you later. I can't say it on TV, on YouTube, the biggest channel in the world. Listen, we're the largest network in the entire world right now. YouTuber!

Okay, so Bailey's like, Bailey's the first arrive at the Delta One Lounge. She's like, I'm so in disbelief that this is even my life. I've come back as new, Bailey. Still hunched over, still making lasagna, but although inside the gears are turning different. I don't know what to tell you. I hope to find a way to make some penne pasta today.

She's like, "I've watched 'Top Chef' since the first season with my mom." You know, Shwai was like, "Well, I watched it with my grandmother." Shwai is just doing everything short of like bringing a little granny wig, like dressing up like the grandma in "Into the Woods," right? Cesar's like, "We didn't even have TV when I was growing up, so my grandmother reenacted every episode."

My grandmother would invite three chefs over every single night and made them stand on each other's shoulders. And the one at the top was the top chef. She said, look at that. Now you're watching top chef. And then Cesar comes and he's like, yeah, like it's hard to tell, like a gating from day one where you're going to fall, but I'm in the top four. I can't believe it. I'm here. I did it.

Glow lights turn on under him. They're like, sir, are you growing a rutabaga under your barstool? The Delta One Lounge is lenient, but not that lenient. We're going to have to remove your rutabaga. So Schweiss next, and he's like, I've never been to Italy. Grandma, grandma. Oh, my God. What I've heard is Italy has a lot of grandmas. I cannot wait. I hear they call grandmas nonas in Italy, which is funny because I call my grandma, grandma, grandma, grandma, grandma.

My grandma really makes me feel focused. I'm going to kick everybody's ass.

Tristan shows up and he is more somber because his dad or his stepfather, who's basically his dad died in the middle of the season. So he had to sort of go home and deal with that. But now he's fighting for him. So now we have Kristen who is here to say, I've been hearing your shoes before Gus. It's, it's a lot. You're doing great. But it's actually her doing the whole spiel of like three, three chefs remain Saratoga water, Chipotle family of foods, BMW, the best car in the entire world. And now one of you is going to win the title of top chef.

So welcome to Milan, everybody. The last stop on the road to becoming top chef. Now let's go to our final quick fire of the season. If you've done your research, you know here in Milan, there's grandmas, there are grandmas and also lots of risotto. Okay, rice and polenta are king. And the dish they're most known for is risotto. Oh.

Now, as this is your last quickfire, sorry, it's just, it's very emotional because it's the last quickfire we're going to have. So it just, it gets me a little bit. Anyway, risotto. So we're all going to make risotto. And for your final quickfire challenge, we want you to make your very own risotto in 35 minutes. What? What?

I feel like that's a very short amount of time to make risotto, right? That is a bullshit. They are setting them up for failure. Yeah, the time limits on this show make me crazy. Like, I don't care who can cook the fastest. I get it's a competition, but why does it need to be a speed competition? Risotto needs time, okay? It needs time. That's it. I want to see risotto taking time.

It's like in that famous play, Glen Gary, Glen Ross, A, B, R. Always be risottoing. Okay. You can't just rush it. You have to take the time and always be doing it. Risotto is for closers. So Tom's like, well, you guys, risotto doesn't wait for anybody. Okay. You know, it needs to be served right away. You know, risotto will not be, you will not see risotto sitting at a bus stop. It's not going to wait. Okay.

Risotto is unlike my son, who's just waiting for success to come to him instead of him going to success by being a mixologist. We're going to cook in a five minute stagger, or as my son calls it, attention span, which is why he could never learn to cook risotto in the first place. Fun fact, my son is still in the middle of his five minute stagger. I said, okay, you could do the mixology for five minutes and then you're going to follow my footsteps. I'm not going to get any younger. And somehow that five minute stagger is still

My son just actually removed the five minutes and it's just stagger. My son is just a stagger. That's it. Mixed stagger over there. So, Kristen's like, chuffs.

You should know that we aren't going to be taking this quickfire into consideration, determining who's going to be going home. So this is just an annoying process for you of having to make risotto on top of the building for some money that the audience doesn't care about. Okay? Great. Yeah. But you'll win 15 grand. So they're like, hey, okay, Cesar, start now. So he goes first. And he's like, wow, risotto, it's a dish, but it's also a lifestyle, you know?

You can wash your hair with it. You can put it in your gas tank and drive around with it. Unfortunately, your car will break down. I learned that the hard way. I've had some risotto under my grow light under my bed for three months now and it hasn't really softened, but some things are definitely growing on it. So he's like, you know, I'm going to use celery root as the rice component. Excuse me?

You need to use risotto. Risotto. This is a risotto. Now, Cesar, listen, I like you. You've made a lot of crazy shit and you're a weird little dude. And I imagine there's a lot of crusty socks on the floor of your room next to that grow light. That said, I like you, but you got to make a risotto dish. And you're not the only one. I'm looking at you, Shwai. What the fuck are you two doing? It's a risotto dish in Italy. You cannot just say I'm going to make a vegetable dish and call it risotto.

Hi, everyone. It's the ghost of Padma Lakshmi. As you may know, I was recently killed when I was taking a very exclusive tour of Milan and climbed all the way to the top of a clock tower. Some idiot pulled on the string and the bell hit me in the head and I fell all the way out to the ground and I died. Well, anyway, I'm back here to say... You know what's funny about that? I still made less noise than Gail does getting out of bed to pee at two in the morning. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Wow. Well, it's funny because I always thought Gail would be the one to die by ding-dong, but it was me getting hit by the bell. Turns out Gail's only fueled by them, as you'll see later. Anyway, it's so funny, Risotto, because that's always what I call Gail. I always think she's full of riz, and I go, oh, no, she's just a toe. Riz, oh, toe. LAUGHTER

All right, Tristan, you can start cooking now. So Tristan's like, oh, I'm going to do, you know, I'm going to go into this rice thing while adding all these umami flavors. You know, I really want to bring melanin to Milan.

Yeah. And then Kristen's like, okay, that's a very emotional story. Okay, Bailey, your time starts now. You're the last person now for time staggered. Sorry. I've been in your shoes before. It's a lot. So Bailey's like, well, I made risotto for the first challenge. And I did end up trying in the bottom for trying to incorporate too much into it. So I just wanted to do something that was fairly traditional. I'm going to do a red wine risotto. And, you know, my bank account has not opened up yet.

So landing that $15,000 would be super rad. Well, I'll tell you who else's bank account hasn't opened up yet. Gail's stylist hasn't quite been paid yet, as you can see, because Gail's doesn't use her. Sorry, I'm still a little woozy from that bell incident. Debbie Reynolds was the first person to welcome me here. She actually started singing, ring them bells, you gotta ring them bells. I said, not funny, Debbie.

Too soon. Anyway, if my humor, if my jokes are a little not quite right, it's because I'm learning comedy all over again from Moliere. He's here too. Listen, I could have gone the Marcel Marceau route.

But Gail ate one of the Marceau's. So now he's just known as Marcel. She came up to him and ate a Marcel. She said, well, what? It has pancake written all over it. Gail. Wow.

So Cesar is doing a celery root thing. Okay, so now Shwai is like, well, I didn't practice risotto. Listen, my grandma taught me a lot, but she fell asleep on risotto day. Okay, no grandma risotto coming out today. And risotto has always failed on Top Chef. So I just figured there's no way they're going to make us make risotto, and they are. So if I have to make traditional risotto, it's going to be garbage. So I'm going to chop up spaghetti squash and call it risotto. Okay.

Yeah, that's if I you know what? Now you go up to that clock tower and get knocked by that. It's like you're supposed to be making risotto. And if you serve me a bowl of diced squash and say this is risotto, I will be furious. Both of these people should be kicked off right now and it should just be Bailey interested in the finals. And that's it. The show has gone soft like a bad risotto. I'm doing a search. What city is most famous for risotto?

I would like to know in Italy and AI says Milan. So if these people had any brains, they would have said, huh, we're going to Milan. They know they're going to Milan. They've had time to access the internet. Why don't you search for like, what are the most famous Milanese dishes? And what do they do?

Not. Nothing. So Tristan is, you know, they're making their risotto. So he's talking about how he's, you know, getting the creaminess from adding the stock and constant agitation to coat, coax the starch off the short grain dries. Wow. I've seen Gail do that. Constant agitation. It's kind of like when Gail wore woolen culottes one day.

Gail cooks the starch off the short-grained rice just with her words. She said, "Get off of that short-grained rice!" It fell right into her mouth. It's amazing. She's a real agitator. She agitates the starch right off that rice. Alright, time's up, utensils down. Get up here and serve your shitty excuses for risotto. So Cesar's first, and he's like, "Um, risotto? I look at risotto as a technique."

Gail goes, so just to be clear, there's no rice. Also, just to be clear, there's no fashion with you, Gail. Listen, just because Gail uses risotto as a conditioner doesn't mean that it's a technique.

Gale, stop trying to exfoliate with that fake risotto. And Cesar's like, well, there's rice stock. And Gale's like, oh, there's rice stock, but there's not actual rice. Watch out, she's about to blow. Wow. You thought you saw something with Mount Vesuvius, Italy. Wait till you see Gale Simmons when she doesn't get her starches. Wait till Mount McHungrius goes off. Yeah.

Vesuvius? More like Vesuviless. Vesuvipayless. That's where Kel gets her shoes. Moliere said that would work. Sorry if it didn't. It's his fault. He's like, well, I've done vegetable risottos before. And Kristen's like, okay, so you cooked it in the exact same method you would risotto? No.

He didn't boil it. I mean, what? No, he didn't. And he's like, yeah, you know, I've been doing well with vegetables. So that's what I feel comfortable with. And Gail's like, well, I've been doing comfortable with rayon, but I wouldn't serve it to you.

It's just the make a risotto with vegetables. Make a risotto with vegetables. It's like when I told my son, you may feel comfortable drinking a beer. Doesn't mean you have to have a whole career out of it. Be a chef. Follow your dad. This is ridiculous. And so Schweizenack standing is like, well, when you make traditional risotto, the rice releases starch. But I'm not doing that. So I'm going to use butternut squash because that has some starch. So no, that is going to be wet and wet.

Butternut squash. Get the fuck out of there. That's wet. Yeah, I agree. Add the butternut squash to the risotto. Oh, my God. The other thing is that you're doing all this. You. We're outraged. You're doing all the same work as a risotto. So you subbing in to avoid the pitfalls of risotto. Just make the risotto. I'm also triggered because of the butternut squash. That's spaghetti squash, right? No. Is it different?

Butternut squash is different than spaghetti squash. Spaghetti squash is literally like if you take a fork to it, it kind of like makes spaghetti. So that's why it's called, I think that's why it's called that or I'm just full of it. But butternut squash is like sweet and looks like a penis, right? - So does this, doesn't it? - I guess it does. - No, but butternut squash is not the same. Butternut squash is known for its smooth, slightly sweet and nutty flavor while spaghetti squash is known for its stringy spaghetti like texture. So there you go, you're correct. - There you go.

But I don't like when people take the squat and I'm talking about spaghetti squash. So this is why I was triggered and it's invalid. But I don't like when people are like, you can substitute pasta with spaghetti squash. No, you can't. It's not the same fucking thing. And stop telling little fat kids. And neither are zoodles. And neither are zoodles. Oh, especially zoodles. Those are even wetter. They're so wet. They're so wet and stupid. Zoodles are stupid.

Well, don't tell that to Gail, because she's wearing them as clip-ons. Soon. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappin's commercial. Every big moment starts with a big dream. But what happens when that big dream turns out to be a big flop?

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All right, well, Tristan's up next to serve, and he does a West African-inspired risotto with dressed heirloom tomatoes and charred buttered greens, which at this point, I don't even give a fuck it was poopoo risotto. You're not going to be, you're going to get first or second because. Yeah, because you're using rice. At least you tried.

Yeah. So Gail's like, are you happy with what came out? Wow. Is Gail trying to do a full Padma? Excuse me. Let the professional do it. Did you mean to have your rice come out as stupidly as Gail's face? Tom's like, well, you know what? The texture's right on this. One thing Gail's never heard in a dressing room. One thing a person at a salon's never said about Gail's hair. One thing Gail's never been told at a backwax.

One thing Gail's never been told when someone's touched her brassiere made out of wool. Sorry, I shouldn't have let Shecky Green take over. Back to Moliere.

You're setting me up for failure. Tristan is happy about it. And so meanwhile, Schwein's like, something smells burnt. And Beta's like, yeah, my nuts are burning a little bit. I'm really not sure what to do about that. I burnt all my nuts. So now I'm going to have to redo those nuts. Oh, God.

So she served hers and she's like, well, I did a pretty traditional red wine risotto with a little bit of Parmigiano-Lentolaggio in the rice and a little Grimolata on tap. And Tom's like, oh, why'd you go in the red wine direction? Was this a reference to the fact that my son works in the world of spirits and alcohol? Because I really don't approve of that. He's like, no, I just...

I thought it was like very Northern Italian. Basically, I was looking at the North and I thought, okay, I'll just say it's Northern Italian. I don't know. I just put the red wine. Yeah, you know, I just wanted to make something from Milan. Hope you like it. You probably won't. Should I just apologize now? I'm sorry. It's could have been better. I don't even know what I'm doing here. Who am I? So then Schwa is done early because he's not using...

you know, Arborio rice or short grain rice. So he's done, he's ready. So he's plates. Who would have thought? And they just are watching him watching his plates for like 90 seconds. And then, you know, it's probably totally fine, but you know, they're thinking, Oh, it's seizing up. It's cold. It's getting cold. It's 90 seconds colder now. So they're all pissy by the time it gets to them.

Yeah. And so he comes over and he made squash risotto with heart winter squash, chanterelles, veggies, stock with saffron, a little Parmesan and toasted hazelnuts. Not burnt like mine, but toasted. So Gail's like, oh, so no rice. Did I do something in a past life that is getting in the way of me being served rice? No, it's your current life, Gail.

You have an angel in heaven now, gal. I'm just trying to help. So Shwia's like, yeah, no, there's no rice. Just a little bit toasted rice in the stock. It just feels like... Also, honestly, like...

I feel like it's a missed opportunity. He does so much grandma cooking now that doesn't his grandma have like some classic Chinese rice dish? Like Tristan pulled in like a Jolof rice dish and turned it into risotto. Like it felt like a missed opportunity for Shwai. Exactly. Your whole country that you talk about every episode is built upon the back of rice. Yeah. Yeah. Rice is such a big part of Chinese cuisine. So it's just a little surprising. And then he's like butter and squash.

So then Tom, now Tom can't deal anymore. He's like, you know, the word risso means rice. Risso is rice. Also the word por favor means please. I love this game. I used to live in Italy. I don't know if you guys know it, but if you listen quietly, you can hear my voice on the wind going exacto. Exacto.

I haven't thought of that one in a while. Exacto. Prego. So Gail's like, well, he did use rice. It just wasn't risotto. Exacto. You don't have to say it again so soon.

Okay, time for judging. All right, first let's clear something up. Risotto, it's not whether it's a rice or a technique. The word risotto means from rice. Okay? So, wow. That's it. There were some tasty dishes, and I just thank you that none of them were cosmopolitans or anything drinkable.

I'm just gonna let that little factoid about risotto and rice just hang in the air for a moment. You can think about it. You can think about the implications. I won't say whether or not it's being used against you, but you can pretty much guess I'm not a happy camper right now. Welcome to Taste of Heaven. Who did we steal rice from? My first guest is someone literally named after it, Rice Gorbachev. Welcome. Also a little hand named Rice-a-roni.

The San Francisco treat. Rodney Dangerfield won't stop shoving him down his pants. I'm sorry, Aroni. I'm sorry.

Fun fact, when Gail Simmons was a child and her family went on a vacation to San Francisco, they lost track of her for a good afternoon because she was chasing so many streetcars hoping there'd be rice on the other end. She never got that San Francisco treat. She finally found a food truck serving pizza and she calls that streetcar called Desire.

It's really poetic. Okay. Well, risotto, rice. There. Boom. Not a technique. All right, Gail. What did you think of Bailey's risotto? Your rice was actually right there. It was al dente as it should be. The wine and taleggio lent a really intense sour note to your dish. You're a boring person with no self-confidence, but at least you used a carb. So thank you.

And also some fat to balance out the sourness could have really helped. But I think the rice was cooked beautifully. Gail, what did you think of Cesar's? Cesar, by the way, welcome to Milan. You could just say... Now, there are a lot of different Cesar's in the world, but right now you're the one in Milan. So I think we can call you Cesar Milan. Hello.

Is this what we want? Anyone? Boo! That was stupid. This could be my next joke. Absolutely beautiful flavors. Seasoned perfectly. Texturally, I didn't get the bite. I didn't get the bite because there was no rice. And I think that's part of the pleasure of risotto. Oh, God. Let's not stop talking about Gail's pleasure with risotto. This isn't time to jerk off, Gail, am I?

I heard that Gail once went to the pleasure chest and said, you guys have a bowl of risotto here. Wrong story. Wrong time. Gail. Gail uses penne pasta as a diaphragm. I'm sorry. It's just too much for a television show, which really is very illogical in so many different ways. At least use ravioli. What's your day? Anybody? Oh,

A shell. Come on now. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't teach it the proper carb to use as a condom. Tom, what did you think about Schwein's risotto? Well, the flavors were good. Seasoned nicely. I really appreciate how you took the risotto and spelled out grandma in it with your finger. That was nice. But we waited so long it started to seize up.

Wow. Seizing up, sort of like Gale when confronted between a culotte and a capelet. What to wear. Oh my God. I have a personal thing I need to discuss with you. Sorry, audience. Fast forward one minute. So the bug guy came to my house and said, I just wanted to show you a picture that we caught a rodent. I don't want to see a picture of a dead rodent. What the fuck is that? Can I sue somebody for that? It's a little mouth. Now I feel terrible. Now I want them to take those things out.

Well, but it's a mouse. There are tons of them. Don't worry. They're cute. You shouldn't kill them. They are cute. Well, just tell him not to send you photos. Just say we've reduced them. No, just have him tell you that they've relocated the mouse population. Yeah, don't send me that. I don't want to see that. That's horrible. I'm a murderer. Jesus Christ. Isn't that like, what do they call death porn?

Where you watch people get killed? That's like death porn. I don't want to see that. Oh, you mean like a snuff film or something like that? Yeah, it's like a snuff film. You sent me snuff pictures. I should be able to sue him for that. That's disgusting. Wow. Well, I'm sorry, Ron. Back to risotto. I know that last week you were very triggered by the ants being killed, so I can't imagine how a mouse is working. Yeah, they're so cute. They are really cute. All right. So everything's okay. I'm still okay. I'm a man. You're okay. You're okay. All right.

So Gail's like, absolutely beautiful flavored, but I love risotto. So Tom's like, yeah, you know, I mean, you plated it way too early. So it sat there and it started to really seize up. Whoa, whoa, that non-rice. Whoa, look at how that non-rice seized up. That's crazy. Look at how that butternut squash, the butternut squash did not seize up. Stop it. Yes.

Yeah, I think this was over the top. So then, well, the biggest, okay, so yeah, it was the texture. You know, it was just like a nice soft squash side dish. So, okay, Gail, what did you think about Tristan's risotto? I thought the flavors worked really well together. Oh, yeah, and the texture of the rice was al dente on the side, and that's just, that's what I like in a risotto. It's just, it's really emotional having a risotto that's like that. It's just, what exactly I would like it, exactly how it's done today.

It's beautiful. Well, you know, I really think you put yourself in the dish, which was kind of disgusting. I mean, I hope you bathed. But the flavor was good. You know, it was a bit on the salty side, but who's not? Am I right? Well, I guess that just supports the idea that you put a little bit of yourself in this dish. It's a little salty. I got a little hair on my teeth. I guess that was the you that was in there. But otherwise, pretty good.

Gail, who do you think had our favorite risotto of the day? The chef that gave us what we think was the best example here in Milan of risotto, which is a dish made with rice, which some of you gave us and some of us didn't, was also giving us really bold flavors. And the winner is...

No, I'm just kidding. Of course, it's Tristan. Do you even need me to say these things anymore? It's Tristan. He's going to win until the end of the show, right? Do we have to say his name anymore? We can just hand this to Tristan and save us some bad food eating. That would be great. So they give him 15 grand and he's like, wow, 15 grand on risotto. Nailed it. I brought black people risotto to Italy and I won. That's right. Suck it.

so kristen says chefs are you ready for this very next crucial step in your journey to the finale and they're like yeah all right now have you ever watched a bobsledder on tv yeah and i've ever thought imagine if that bobsledder were in control of my life and career and maybe earning a lot of money

Yeah? Well, guess what? You get to live that dream right now. Please welcome four Olympians who have questionable palates. Are they coming out? No? Are they not coming out? Okay, they're not coming out. While we wait for the Olympias, let me just tell you. Have any of you ever seen Gail Bob sled on a hot dog down a hill? I have. It was hilarious. She actually slid off. I was like, you shouldn't have put so much mustard on your sled, stupid.

Gail claims that she does the luge, but it turns out she just takes a slip and slide and puts a bunch of mustard and ketchup on it and relish and slides on down the lawn. That's not a luge, Gail.

Well, guess what? We've got the Paralympic and Paralympic Games, Milan-Cortina 2026. Okay? So guess what? This is amazing. The winter Olympic and Paralympic Games will have two hubs, Milan and Cortina. That's crazy. One of those sounds like a sandwich, and the other sounds like a place in Zelda. Ha ha ha ha ha!

For your elimination challenge, Milan, you'll have a very straightforward process. Okay. You'll be cooking and competing in the Ultimate Culinary Matchup. It's a three-part head-to-head tournament featuring ingredients from Milan and Cortina with some of the same ingredients in between. In round one, you'll take on polenta. Cooking and eating polenta is so widespread around Milan that sometimes the citizens here are called polentoni or the polenta eaters.

Wow. Okay, let's think about how we could work with this. The polenta eaters, why don't they just call them gales? That's why we call gale bread face.

i just want to say polenta's made with corn everyone since apparently uh working with the grain that we've been telling you to work with is not so easy to do so corn corn and polenta thank you i can't wait to see what you guys uh use instead of polenta that's going to be fun uh anybody planning on making flip-flop flip-flop dishes today that'd be great you know we're going to grind up some flip-flops into cornmeal quote-unquote cornmeal make some polenta just give us a heads up

So the panel is going to judge their dishes and the winner of the polenta round goes to the finale. But then it's like they have to keep going. They have to keep competing round to round until only one person stands and one person goes home.

Yeah, because after Polenta, if you don't win in the Polenta round, you have to play in the Cazun Cezier round, which is like a moonshape ravioli that has a beet filling. So it's going to be a beet round. So they're like, okay, that's kind of funny to me. They're like...

It's basically just like cook something with beets, but we're going to like tenuously tie this in because there's a pasta that has beaten it. So you have to make a beet round. And if you don't make it to the beet round, you go to the gorgonzola round. If you don't make it to the gorgonzola round, you know what?

Then after that, what's the next food after that? What do they have to make after that? Is it just, is it just beaten Gorgonzola? Wasn't there another thing in there? Does it matter? Do we care? There's three rounds, only three rounds. I thought there was four rounds because there's four people. So there's three rounds because one of the people loses. Um, so then, uh, these were weird choices. I thought though the beat, especially I thought was odd, but whatever. So, uh,

Chefs, every decision you make, every ingredient you choose to put in your dish must be selected with the intention of going inside my mouth. Do you understand? Every ingredient you choose, every breath you take, every move you make. I'll be eating you. Wow.

So, um... Oh, and since this is the last challenge before the final finale, Delta, the official airline of Team USA, has brought in some reinforcements to help you. Sorry, Gale. Sorry, Gale. The reinforcements are not chupacabras. They're actual Europeans. We brought Delta here because they're amazing with their culinary feats. As anybody who's ever flown on Delta and eaten their food knows. Absolutely amazing.

Don't have to read this. Can we just stop pretending Delta has decent food? Okay, let's just move on. And to bring in some professional help, we're bringing in the Olympians. Here they are. Wow. Kristen goes, who better than four Team USA Olympians and Paralympians who know what it's like to compete at the highest level with world watching? I was like, who better? Literally anyone than four Olympians. How about some chefs? Yeah.

How about we put these four chefs to make these fuckers compete in the Olympics? We'll be like, okay, have fun on your bobsled. Tristan's going to push you. Like, what the fuck? Yeah, would they really appreciate if the roles were reversed? Okay, sir, before you... You are a world-class snowboarder, and before the Olympic qualifiers, I just want you to know that you're also going to have to have Tristan...

prepare your snowboard for you. It's like, no, no, don't put chefs in my competition. Yeah. Okay, so let's welcome Alana Myers-Taylor, five-time Olympic medalist in bobsled, Red Gerard, Olympic gold medalist in snowboarding, Declan Farmer, three-time Paralympic gold medalist in sled hockey, and Oksana Masters, 19-time Paralympic medalist in para cross-country skiing, para biathlon, para cycling, and para rowing. Oh, and also... Got a lot going on.

And please also welcome Gail Simmons, one time gold medal champion for parachute pants that she wore to the Emmys. So, Oksana, how do you push yourself to keep going? She's like, well, I train in 19 different things and I push. That's how you stupid, you fucking idiot, non-sporty bitch. Why are you talking to me?

well, how do you prepare yourself mentally to get into the competition? And Alana's like, well, it's pretty similar to cooking. It's all about the preparation beforehand. So when you get out there, you're ready to go. And you know, the cooks were like,

It's nothing like what we have. It's literally nothing like it. But last time I checked, when you have to make polenta, you don't have to run. You don't have to run into you don't have to jump into the polenta pot and then slide down a diet course. Yeah. OK, so they they pair off by choosing knives and then they will have a 750 euro and 45 minutes to shop for your ingredients. And then they'll have two hours to prep and cook.

And for all three dishes. And once the two hours is up, they move to the courtyard and then they have a station and then they have 30 minutes to finalize your dishes for the panel. And one of the members of the panel will be from Top Chef World All-Stars, Ali, who we loved. So they're going to start getting cooking and everything. And oh, by the way, so get to know each other, have fun shopping, and we'll see you tomorrow. Just want to say this is

The last line of this moment here of the quickfire. Okay, go ahead.

So now they have to go like it's going to be like a lot of shopping, but also chatting with Olympians. So they're trying to make small talk and Kristen Tristan is like, oh, gosh, you know, it's just so crazy. This pressure you put on yourself as an Olympian, just like me. I'm still trying to learn how to deal with all this pressure. And Alana is like, well, one of my mentors told me pressure's a privilege and people who feel too much pressure are pussies toughen up. Okay.

Cesar was like, I really love what you said about you're not actually doing it for the medals. Oxana's like, yeah, I was being sarcastic. Of course I'm doing it for the medals. Okay, look at me, 19th time medalist. Hello. If you're just focusing on the end goal only, you're going to miss all those small details. But then you also...

are probably going to get a medal like I have. Hello, bitch got medals. Yeah, listen, I don't do it for the medals. Get the fuck out of here. Of course I do it for the medals. Wow. So you and the money and the ad deals. Okay. And anybody else tells you different? They're fucking lying to you. Okay. It's just what you tell the press.

So Cesar's like, yeah, this is just like the Olympics. Anyway, I want to do a dessert with the polenta, something I can execute. I'm like, wow, this is, it's really basic. Prisoners. Watching the Olympics. Yeah, just execute prisoners. Yeah. So then Shwai's going to do, he's stumped on the gorgonzola because he wants to do something with puff pastry because he wants to do a caramelized onion and fennel tart. But like, you know, he's just hoping he doesn't even have to deal with the gorgonzola in the first place.

Yeah. So then we go to him having his discussion with Declan and he's like, so how long have you been a Paralympian? And he's like, oh, so she first games 2014. I was born with this disability. So I started playing pretty young and everyone's got different challenges they face. Like,

For example, I faced that, so I had to learn to work around it and become a Paralympic champion. And you, who have built your entire career and life around rice, was faced with a rice challenge and didn't use rice. So it's basically the same thing. Yeah.

And then Alana's like, by the way, what's it like being on the show? And Tristan's like, well, we looked at past seasons and everyone was always at each other's throats. And we're nothing but hugs and tears. We just love each other so much. I'm like, I'm sure everyone behind Tristan's back is like, fucking Tristan winning everything again. Probably fucking going to take him out. Whatever. You watched way past seasons of the shows because this show hasn't been like that for a long time. You guys are doing pretty much the modern version of this show, which is like...

I only do it to inspire the children. That's the only reason I do this. And then like list your traumas for 20 minutes of the show. So you're pretty, you guys are doing the modern version of it. Don't worry. Don't you worry. You're doing the whole, the whole chef thing of like, we're in the trenches together, guys. Everyone always acts like they just came back from Vietnam. So I don't even care about cooking. I'm just here to inspire children. Thank you.

Cooking saved me, which is why I have mise en place tattooed on my forearm.

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So they're shopping and shopping and shopping and they can find some things they can find not they can't find other things. And the Olympians are like, oh, this is crazy. Well, I'm just like emotionally support. I'm an Olympian emotional support. I'll just stand here with a card, etc. So, yeah, they're basically just getting in their way and being annoying. And, um,

I like at one point Bailey's like, well, I don't know. Here's what I do. I just walk in, put shit in the basket and figure out how to use it later because I'm probably not going to win anyway. I mean, let's face it. Hopefully, but maybe it won't even be that good. So here's what you do. Go around the meat counter and then the dairy would just go to every counter and go, I'm sorry. Just see what they make that into a dish.

Bailey is gonna, she wants redemption for her bruleed gorgonzola that she did a few weeks ago. So she's gonna do it again, which I'm always like, every time a chef tries to get redemption on this show, they never do it. They never succeed. So I'm like, don't do this. This is dangerous. I actually yelled at the TV. I was like, Bailey, God damn it. How many chances are you gonna get? And you're gonna pull the same bullshit again. Get her together. Please stop bruleeing. You can brulee the gorgonzola for me because I will like it, but they're not gonna like it. So don't do this, okay? Yeah.

We were dead wrong. Sometimes it actually does work out. But man, when this happened, I was like, God damn it, Bailey. I tried to root for you, but you're making it difficult sometimes. So Cesar has a story for us. He's going to be making a black walnut ice cream. And he's like,

Over the break, I had a chance to visit Oriana's orchard in Illinois and she's 80 years old and a single farmer and there's black walnuts everywhere. I wanted to bring something for people that inspire me to become a better... Boring! Boring. Wow, congratulations. You met a lady who grows nuts. I met Polly Walnuts here in heaven. So I guess my story is a little bit better because mine involves a famous person. Sorry. An 80-year-old single farmer, why would any of us want to eat Gail's future? Ha ha ha ha!

So also he needs to kind of stop with the, did you say ice cream? Yeah. Polenta cake with black walnut ice cream. I know he did well on that ice cream and he's still trying to hold onto it, that pickle ice cream. But I think in general chefs look down on dessert. We know they do from watching this show. We know they do. So why are you doing that to yourself if you don't have to?

Yeah, I agree. Let's bring it in a little bit. So, they get to the hotel. They're Radisson Blue. We pay for it with a Wells Fargo swipe-a-day card. And then we put a couple of bottles of Pellegrino in their face just to say, fuck you to Saratoga. Held out for a little extra money, am I right? Fun story. I'm actually staying at the Radisson even more blue. It's just like a better version of the Radisson Blue. I don't know.

That's exclusive up here in heaven. I took the Sarah out of Toga. I'm just walking around in a Toga around Italy saying, why have you killed me, Belle? A2, Sarah. That's the first part of the Toga. I don't know if you were following. I'm dumb, Padma. I don't get jokes like that. I'm too stupid. I just, by the way,

My dear friend, Julius Caesar, we were having dinner last night. I said, did you know there's a salad called Caesar salad, but it's not named after you. And he said, what are you talking about? I'm Julius Caesar. I said, no, it's some guy in Tijuana who invented it. And then that guy showed up and he said, yeah, it's my salad. And Caesar was so embarrassed. He was hilarious. Anyway, what famous emperor have you guys been hanging out with? None. Oh, that's too bad.

Little Caesar was so happy because he said pizza, pizza, and for the first time ever, someone gave him the pizza without Gail eating it first.

So now people are in their amazing BMWs on the way to the kitchen. And Tristan's like, none of my past wins or successes mean anything in this moment. And that is not lost on me. At one point, he's...

he tells the, he tells this Olympian, he's like, yeah, you know, like, how do you just keep yourself going when you're already winning everything? And they're like, the wins don't matter. He's like, yeah, I'm trying to tell myself that. It's like, come on, Tristan, get over yourself for five fucking minutes, dude. Jeez.

So they're in this old beautiful building that has a courtyard and everything, and they're doing their cooking. And Bailey's strategy is she's going to put her most effort into her first dish and her last dish. So she's like, fuck the beets.

And then Shwai is like, I still feel very inspired by the athletes yesterday. And we're just going to cheer each other on. But you know what? I was a little disappointed that none of them were dressed like Vicki Lawrence and Mama's family because I just really want some grandma energy as well. But that's okay. Hopefully Gil wears paisley today. So Bailey's like, well, I'm going to make polenta with porcini parm butter.

I don't know. I guess maybe roasted beets with ricotta schmear. And then, you know, gorgonzola something or other. I'm sorry. So Cesar is excited for his first course, dessert. Sorry. Did you get another photo of another mouse? No. I heard knocking and I looked down and Beeler just got on his back and started kicking the cabinet. Okay. Yeah.

Ben, read what Caesar's making. Okay. He's like, for dessert, it's different. It's all about the cake. So I need to nail this recipe. So then for the beet dish, I'm making a tostada because there was a famous one in Mexico City. And then the gorgonzola dish is just going to be a squash casserole with cheese sauce and it's going to be nice and funky. So Tom, funky. Yeah.

Hey, chefs. So polenta, huh? What are we doing for polenta? And Tristan's like, yeah, I'm going to go with my roots. I'm going to make something called cuckoo. Cuckoos? No, cuckoo. What's cuckoo? Cuckoo, it's a dish, Tom. It's from where I'm from. Oh, sounds good. Okay. What am I going to say? Be careful. If you say cuckoo too many times, Gail's going to burst through the wall and say, for Cocoa Puffs. I've never had cuckoo before. Is it good?

I don't think I've had it. Well, I'm not going to, you can't go wrong with cornmeal porridges. I mean, it sounds, yeah, that's sounds good. I'm down for some cuckoo. Um, so then Tristan's just, he's, he's basically putting it, he's banking on Polenta. He wants, he's putting all his effort on the Polenta. And if it doesn't work out for him, um,

He's hoping that he just wins in the first round and then he doesn't have to do the other dishes. Which, in a weird way, I almost wanted him to... I felt like there was a hubris about that that made me want to be like, oh, I hope you mess up. And then you have to reap the consequences of your actions. But I mean, it's Tristan. He's not going to mess up. Of course, it's going to be delicious. And of course, he's going to go through in the first round. Hubris? Tristan definitely has that. I find him to be a little up his own ass. But that's...

That said, he's also extremely talented. He's so good. So, you know, what are you going to do? I feel like if it was a chef that didn't have so much talent, I would be constantly annoyed.

But he's good. Like, he delivers. Yeah, like you can't really deny it. And in competition shows, especially with chefs, you know, I'm more forgiving of that kind of stuff because you kind of have to have it. It's like, I'm going to go in there. I'm the best. I'm going to kill it. And I guess that's kind of how you have to do it, you know. But he's fantastic. He's going to win this whole shebang.

And this is where that moment happens, because Tom is like, you know, you've done really well. You've won more challenges than anybody else. And he's like, yeah, you know, I asked my Olympian today, like, if you're already at the top, how do you just keep at the top? You know? And then she said, pressure is a privilege. Wow. Well, well, we have to remind Gail that every time she's sitting on the toilet, huh?

So then it's hard to get annoyed with them. Like, come on. So then I had to ask my Olympian, what's it like basically being the chef version of a gold winning Olympian? And they were like, it's like, be grateful. So I was like, okay, I'll just plan on making one dish.

pressure is a privilege so uh bailey is tom's asking bailey what she's doing and he's like you know you're an anxious person and if you don't make it through the first course which i'm sure you and he's like she's like you're sure what well you sure you think you're gonna do that you're gonna do that right do you think you're really gonna go through the first course you know you're going up against tristan right yeah well

I don't know, then. I guess I'll do some fucking thing with the beets, put them on a plate, and you guys can put a vinaigrette on it. I don't know. I'm just trying to get to that gorgonzola. Yeah. He's like, so, you know, being an Italian chef, what's that like? And she's like, well, I mean, it gives me an advantage, but, you know, I'm an anxious person. He's like, huh, an anxious person. Huh, yeah.

That's one way to put it. Okay. Hey, turn that frown upside down. Just kidding. Don't. I like your frown. It's nice. You forgot to say something. I'm sorry. Okay. That's it. That's all I needed. I'll move on now. Thanks.

Hey, Shwai, talk to me about your ingredients here. Well, I know that you're thinking that Tristan's going to win the first course. So to counteract that, I'm just going to make a polenta grandma for the first course. And we're going to polenta, going to do a grandma, barbecue, little grandma, barbecue, duck, grandma, grandma, grandma, grandma. Oh, I just can't help. I just want to say, yes, you win. You win top chef. Say grandma one more time. Say grandma to me.

So he's going to do barbecue duck in Chinatown style. And then, well, what are you going to do with the beets? And he's like, well, I haven't done the dumpling yet. Oh, I thought you were going to say grandma polenta. Well, you know what I'm going to do with the beets? You know, my grandma likes to dance to many beats. Oh, yeah. Grandma dancing to beets. I love it. I love it already. Doesn't even make sense as a dish. I just want to say, yes, you win. You win it all. Grandma beets.

And then for Gorgonzola, he's like, well, you know, there's not a lot of dairy in Chinese cooking, but I'm going to do roasted butternut squash. Okay, stop. And also, Bailey, polenta again. This is the top chef end, you guys. You're going to do fucking butternut squash and polenta again, both of you. Shame on you. Make an effort. Okay.

Well, you know, it's funny. There isn't a lot of dairy in Chinese cooking. Just like how there was no rice in your risotto. I'm woken up from the grandma spell. Well, there's not a lot of dairy in Chinese cooking. Thank God we're in Italy. All right. Cesar. Cesar, you can come out from under the table. Don't be scared. Okay. So what are you going to make? He's like, well, I'm going to make a beet salamandu, a beet tostada, and then tortillas. And I just want to make tortillas in the kitchen. And it'll be fun. Tortillas. All right. Well, that sounds...

Not great. Okay. Oh, you're giving us a chip. That sounds great. Well, it seems like you find your inspiration from the ingredients and you don't know what you're going to make until you see everything. So some of that works well. You know, sometimes it's just like, huh, what the fuck? This guy have crusty, crusty socks on the floor and eggplants under his bed. And then I found out. Yep. Yep. He sure does. He sure does. Good luck. 20, 20 minutes left. Cesar is, um,

He's stressed, he doesn't have time to prep. And he knows there's only one, we're only one minute, one, I have to say, I'm not even joking or being silly. I have this big ass coffee, a cold brew that I've been sipping all day 'cause we've already recorded two episodes. But for whatever reason, the caffeine is like hitting me now and I like, I cannot see straight. I'm looking at my notes and I'm like, ooh. - You still get the high from the caffeine. That's so crazy. I don't get it. - If I drink it too quickly, you know what? 'Cause I drink it relatively slowly.

So it's like a micro death thing. But now I'm like, it's not even a high. It's just like, I am like deranged right now. I am at the moment. Yeah. I am snoring it down, but snoring the cafe, snoring it down. So Cesar is stressed. Yeah. He's stressed. So Tristan's like, I'm panicking with this Gorgonzola dish. Thank God. I'm not going to have to make it.

And then now the guest judges are brought in and thanks for being here for our final elimination challenge. Can't wait to see how you enjoyed the second course of butternut squash. I know. Elena, Declan, Oksana, Red, Andrea, Ali, a little bit of Monica on the side. Thank you for being here. This is like turning into Mambo number five.

Just doing names. A little bit of Erica in my life. A little bit of Elena on my, with my strife. A little bit of Gail falling off her chair. Sorry. A little Gail in granny underwear. Sorry.

So Oksana is like, oh, my God, it was so stressful. I just get so stressed in grocery stores already. And then you put a time on it and you put it in a foreign language. I mean, what the frick, people? Tristan's like, yeah, again, thank you for having my top chef life hang in the balance of this girl who gets stressed in his supermarket and can't read anything that is on the shelves. Thank you again so much.

All right, chefs, you have just 30 minutes. 30 minutes to compete your polenta, and your time starts now. Whoever wins the most votes wins.

So, Shwai is like, oh my gosh, polenta is often loaded with butter and cheese, but since the duck's also fatty, I'm just going to season it with kosher salt and a little bit of butter. And I was like, oh no, this is going to fail miserably. You can't just, you can't put that in polenta. Polenta means the shit in it. Okay. It means the shit. It means the shit. I thought, I mean, I was wrong this whole episode. Not that that's a shocker. No.

But every time I got upset about something, it turned out I was wrong. Every time. They tricked me. They tricked me. I was like, this is Schwy's last stand. He's going home. So then Tristan, he's made a sauce and it's like very spicy, which is important to know for in a few minutes. And then Bailey's, yeah, Bailey's, she's not seasoning too much of her stuff. And so they're all eating, they're all cooking, 15 minutes left.

Cesar is behind, he's got ice cream, he's just pouring liquid nitrogen over, it's just, everything's very stressful, et cetera. And so the timer beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. "Okay, Tristan, can you tell us about your polenta dish, please?" And so he's made his cuckoo and has

I don't know how you pronounce this. Poisson non sauce? I don't know. Sassos, basically. And eel and marinated mackerel. And he wanted to connect his Afro-Caribbean heritage to this. And Gail's sitting there and she's like... People couldn't eat it. One of the Olympians was like... And so was Gail. Gail was like coughing it out. Gail was like... She had like tears in her eyes. She's like... What is this? Yeah.

Look at Gail trying to release food. Her throat just won't let her do it. Wow. Wow, Gail looks almost as choked up as I was when my dear friend Ali Wong won another award. What friends of yours, do you guys all have famous friends who've won awards? Anyone? Raise your hand if you have a famous friend who won an award, dead or living. No one? Just me? Oh, that's too bad, everyone. Put your hands down, John Wayne. I'm not talking to you. I'm telling you.

So Gale's like, "What pepper did you use, Tristan? I mean, did you mean to almost kill Gale, Tristan?" Well, it's too bad I couldn't be alive and on this panel, because I would have then said, "I love spice!" Alright, Caesar, what did you make for yours? And he's like, "I did polenta cake with a black walnut ice cream and a candied prosciutto, because who doesn't want prosciutto? That's candy."

And the Bob's letter Alana is like, um, what made you decide on ice cream? Well, I think it's a good pairing with a nice planta cake or something like that. Hold on one second. Alana, hi, this is Padma Lakshmi, famous person from beyond the grave. Next time when you ask your question, why don't you try it like this? Did you mean to make something stupid like ice cream for our first course? There, try it out.

So then Shwai serves his ode to Chinatown barbecue, duck seasoned with five spice on some creamy polenta. And Gail's like, um, what did you add to the polenta, Shwai? And again, I thought he's going to get caught on putting nothing in the polenta. Gail hates it. I was wrong. I was wrong again. And he's like, water, butter, salt and pepper. Kept it simple.

And so then Bailey serves her polenta. She's like, I just feel like polenta should have a lot of I'm sorry's in it. So there's that. And then butter and then roasted mushroom, thyme, rosemary, you know, hazelnut chive. It's boring. I hope you don't fall asleep while you eat it. And

And Ali is like, what kind of cheese did you use, Bailey? Yes. I believe I'll answer this for her. I believe the cheese that she uses is called stupid, stupid cheese. Yes. She's a big fan of it. Bailey used Gail's perfume for her cheese today. Robiola and Parmigiano. Exacto.

Left on the counter for a week. Tom's like, well, that felt really good. Well, yeah, the polenta. Oh, God, that polenta is really... Oh, good. I just... Okay, I just came. That was raviola and polenta. Wow. All right, judges. We're going to be voting for our favorite dish.

On the count of three. All right. One, two, three, three, two, one. Oh, so now it is basically Shwai. Shwai wins, which is out of nowhere. None of us expected that.

So I thought it was gonna be Tristan for sure. So in fact, I, I, I not only was so expected to be Tristan that before when we were talking about Tristan, I actually just, in my mind, he had won the first quarter. And I followed you on that because I thought, Oh, maybe that is what happened. Cause I remember, I was like, I hope he doesn't win that first one. I wish he hadn't won that first one. So that way he would have had to deal. I don't think you should have because of that chili. Yeah. No, the chili was, I forgot. I forgot. It was why who did it.

He took it. He took it with his umpties and polenta. It worked. It worked with the stuff from the duck. So they loved that. So he's psyched. And I'm psyched for him. You know, we give him all the shit. That sounds delicious. Yeah, I'm psyched for him. I love that. Even though he brought butternut, he was going to bring butternut squash out again. But whatever. You didn't do it. So good for you. So then they all, you know, give it compliments and stuff. They loved it. And then they move on to...

Tristan's stuff and wait, oh no, I'm sorry. Yeah, they do move on to Tristan, right? Because Elena's like, I love the spice. Yeah, they like the heat and then Tristan says, Bailey, I thought your polenta dish was really, really homey. It was very hearty. The polenta to me, though, was almost too much cheese. It was quite heavy. Oh man, they showed Bailey serving it when she was serving that. It just looked like

I mean, I make a lot of polenta and I know it's her. It's easy to fuck up and put too much shit. It looks like she was about to make a statue of something. It's not. I can't believe she got away with that. That was that did not look good.

Wow. Hi, everyone. I just want to say I just spoke to my new dear friend, Leonardo da Vinci, and he said he totally would have made a statue out of it if given the chance. If only he still had a corporal presence. Okay. Going to hang out with more icons. I just said, do you know how many of your penises have fallen off things? It's crazy. I went to the Vatican. I actually filed a report and said, where are all the dicks? They've all fallen off. I mean, poor Michelangelo. What did that man ever do to anybody? Give him a new dick.

I did pull Leonardo to the side. I said, listen, I love your work, but what's the deal with all the arms and that man? How about just one set of arms, one set of legs? It's too much. Okay, so Tristan only got one vote, so he's embarrassed, but he's going to make it. He wants to do it for that little black kid at home who's watching and needs inspiration. And so, Tristan, what were you going to say? Oh, I was just inhaling, actually. I was inhaling loudly.

But I was not, there was actually no statement to be made. Tristan's only doing it for the children. Okay, so now there's 30 minutes to complete your beat dishes. Now, I know that the audience is sitting on the edge of their seats because nobody is more excited about beats than an American audience. Get to it, guys. Beats.

So Cesar is, he's doing his tostada, but his masa is dried out and he didn't have time to rest. It's drama over there. And Bailey, she doesn't, I don't think she even has any plan because she said she was not even going to focus on this dish. So Tristan's the only one who actually has a plan of attack and he's

he's, he, uh, one thing that happens is that, um, he's grilling all his pork and then he takes off the pork. So then Bailey takes over, but then now he wants the grill again and he can't, he can't grill his, his pork. Cause he just wants the pork to be kissed by the fire, which is all he says all season long. He's like, I just want this to be kissed by the fire. Um,

And so he has to fry it instead. So then I was like, oh, God, the fryer. So he's going to be fucked. I thought so, too. I thought for sure he was going to be fucked on this. And Shwai is like, oh, my God, this is giving me so much anxiety. And Bailey's saying that grilling is taking longer. So I don't know if my mushrooms are going to be ready. Oh, God, I would just wish I had some uncooked peas to cook up for them to give them to eat. That'll pass me.

So time's up. Tristan serves his, these are beets that were braised and glazed in a shadow, many a piece, uh, smoked beet puree and beet picklies and pork belly. That's been glazed in the reduction of the beet. And, uh,

Uh, the schwa is on the side. Like, I feel like schwa was set that he couldn't tell a grandma story right now. He's like, I'm happy that I'm in the finals, but I'm sad that I can't add some grandma concepts. One time I came home with a C in school and my grandma beat me. I could have totally saved that story for today.

So Tristan's talking about how he smoked it. And then Cesar made his beet tostada. He says, it brings a smile to my face. You guys all eating it with a knife and fork. Well, it's better than Gail's normal method, which is dumping it on her head and saying it's shampoo.

I know you didn't just serve them a tostada with grilled beets and Chipotle mayo in the semifinals. Come on, mayo. You can't serve the mayo in the semifinals. Why are you doing that? So then Bailey did grilled beets dressed with balsamic and Sherry Brown. Get the fuck out of here, bro. She made a salad.

And it just was like a mess on the plate. Kristen's like, how did you cook your beets? Did you cry into them? Because I'm about to right now. And Bailey's like, well, I roasted them and I grilled them. I don't know. I didn't even realize we had a beet course to do until about five minutes ago. All right. Tristan wins this one by far. He gets six votes. Cesar gets three and Bailey gets a zero. That's embarrassing, Bailey. Damn. But you made a salad also. Bailey.

I'm getting very frustrated. Can you tell? I'm getting very frustrated with the semifinals. This shit's just not good enough. All of you go home and start again. Bring back Katjana. I just want to see what Katjana would make. I want to watch her poke little flowers out of dough, okay?

Oh, Billy, you know, I liked where you're going with this, but the big flaw was that this was more cheese forward than it was beat forward. Yeah. Like Gail at her prom trying to dance. They're like, why'd you bring out the cheese cart for this dance? There's beats playing. Be more beat forward, Gail. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Bailey, I'm sorry. Two cheese forward. And so Andrea voted for Caesar. And she's like, yeah, beetroot was cooked very, very nice. That's it. Okay, Cesar. Kristen enjoyed it. She found the tostada to be on the greasier side. And the beet was getting lost. So it was just a little bit thicker. Okay. Okay, goodbye. So Tristan does a cartwheel, which I was shocked. Surprising. I was like, is that CGI? That was amazing.

I didn't know anyone on Top Chef ever could do a cartwheel, but they did it. I never thought I'd see Tristan do a cartwheel, but he did a great cartwheel. It was great. It was beautiful. I can't do it. I've never been able to do a cartwheel. Me neither. I used to be able to do somersaults, but now I can't do somersaults anymore because I feel like I'm going to break my neck. I can't even bend over to reach the soap when I drop it.

so um bailey's like well no votes but you know i was in last chance kitchen i'm not gonna let that stop me so let's do this so now it's time for the gorgonzola showdown so cesar is going to do this squash casserole with mornay sauce rebecca which is named after rebecca de mornay i'd like to add it's her contribution to the culinary world rebecca the hornet

Please welcome my dear friend, non-Oscar nominee and person who was famous for a little bit in the 90s and also sauce pioneer, Rebecca De Mornay. Sorry, Rebecca. I'm welcoming you from up here because you're not dead yet. Hey, can someone walk Rebecca over to the bell?

Hey, Rebecca, congratulations. I found your career. It's up here in heaven because it died a long time ago. So they get Bailey's. They're seeing Bailey bruleeing her Gorgonzola. And Kristen's like, is she bruleeing Gorgonzola again? It didn't work the first time. Don't do it the second time. Yeah, that's what I told Gail, but she wore that dress again. Fun fact. Gail actually brulees her deodorants. With her armpit.

It's hot, hot pit coming forward. It's funny because when I turned on the HBO Max television show, The Pit, I thought I was just going to see Gale's underarm. So, Kristen, time's up. Utensils down. Time to serve, sisar.

Butternut squash casserole. I know you guys haven't had enough butternut squash today. So and then I made a gorgonzola casserole. Delicious, right? Semifinals on the side is pesto made with sage and gorgonzola. So it's an ode to the Midwest, you know, which is probably something really popular here in Italy. Why? Why would you do an ode? Like your top chef career is.

hangs on this and you're like, this is the moment you're going to do an ode to the Midwest. And then if that's not bad enough, he's like, and this isn't even my, this isn't even my recipe. It's my chef de cuisine. And I'm always thinking about him because I know he's working his ass off right now, you know, like really living that casserole life. And this is one of his recipes. So,

I wouldn't be here without him. I would just be serving like chip chips and not songy chips. So I hope that you like this stolen recipe. Enjoy everybody. Cesar, why don't you just fucking go home now?

You've been trying. I have no doubt that a butternut squash and gorgonzola casserole is absolutely delicious, but it just doesn't feel like the right thing to serve right now. I have many doubts that that is delicious, first of all. Gorgonzola and butternut squash casserole, gross. Give it. And why are you serving it? You think that sounds gross? Yes. I think it sounds wonderful. Sweet and gorgonzola?

I'm into it. You know, I don't love cooked gorgonzola. I love blue cheese, but I don't love it like hot and melty. The truth comes out. Yeah, I don't. The truth comes out. Well, yeah, it can be a lot. And then the casserole is just wet and gooey. And I don't know. I don't like that. I don't like that for my gorgonzola. And I love gorgonzola. But, you know, I hold it in very high regard and how it should be eaten in a casserole with butternut squash or in a casserole at all. No. It's a no-go.

So Bailey is like, well, I made polenta gratinata with gorgonzola dolce brulee. And they're like, oh, God. Well, why did you choose to do the brulee gorgonzola again? Did you not remember that we all gagged and even Gail gagged? Wow, that was a good one, Kristen. I didn't even think you were on team anti-Gail. Love to see it. And Alenia's like, well, Declan doesn't even like gorgonzola and his plates are cleared. Oh, well, hand her the medal.

Declan liked it. Yeah, Declan. He's like, yeah, I think I like Gorgonzola now. Wow. That's like me saying, I like the full Rebecca De Mornay back catalog now. Never going to really happen. You can like it more than Gail. We call Gail, Gail Gonzola.

Exactly. Both these dishes felt like the two of you. So whatever happens, you guys have done a great job. Okay. Wow. Olympians, get the fuck out of here. We don't need you here anymore. Go back to your real careers. Okay. Be more fascinating there than you were here. Okay. Thanks.

So Bailey's saying, you know, she's worked so hard to be where she is and she's just trying to mentally prepare for whatever happens. So now they're debating. So Kristen's like, well, both Bailey and Cesar made unique dishes, which is my way of saying what a shitty final dish before our finale. Am I right, everyone? Two shitty dishes. Yeah, pretty much. And Gail's like, whoa, they were so rustic.

very comforting and they were warm they were actually you know they didn't sit for 90 seconds like schweiss so they should win both of them well i guess that explains why gail shoving her dish into a duvet cover wow really thought they were warm and comforting didn't you well i thought it was uh composed it was interesting it was uh creative uh even though it looked homey you know it looked homey why are we saying homey so much well can we stop saying homey

They're really trying so hard to sound like this was very elevated. Yeah. I think these judges are like, what do we do? This is, we've done this to ourselves and now we're in a finale and all this shit. So what do we do?

Well, the squash was cooked beautifully. And in those two very different ways, they were lovely. They were lovely in a homey, sad soup kitchen kind of way. You know, when you go to a soup kitchen, you think, isn't this nice? We're serving people who are less fortunate and it's lovely. That's kind of what this food tasted like, soup kitchen food. Okay. So Kristen's like, it's going to be tough to send somebody home, but we have to and we've made up our minds. Let's bring the chefs out here. You know what, chefs? Yes.

You were eliminated. Some of you were eliminated this season. Oh, both of you. Both of you sucked at some point this season. And then this need for more money came in called Tom, Last Chance Kitchen, where I get to stay and let you get another chance. And then I almost gave it to Katjana, who probably was more worthy than both of you. And I let her go to give the pickle ice cream guy another shot. Wow, what a mistake. So I guess you can blame me or you can blame yourselves. I don't really care. I get paid anyway. Padma?

Well, Caesar, please back your knives and go. We didn't also mention that. I mean, Kristen was so out of control with the tears even before the judging when she was like, you guys both cooked tremendously. And also, I just want to say to our Olympians.

It was an honor having you both here, all four of you here. We want to wish you the best of luck in Milan. I will be cheering you on and ugly crying as... I'm like, that makes her not for nine months, Kristen. It's just like, it's an honor to be around you, knowing that you'll be in that bobsled soon enough. Yeah, Kristen cried this whole final part of the thing. She wouldn't stop. Like, all right, Kristen. Every single thing. It's like, and...

To the electrician who came to fix that light that went out during the judging. You did great work. Great, great work. To the Gorgonzola itself. I really, I didn't think that you were going to make it. I was mad about having to eat you brulee again, but you did it, buddy. You did it. Congratulations, Gorgonzola.

And Gail's like, I just want to say, Cesar, thank you. Thank you so much. It's been an incredible journey getting to know you all so well. Even you're crying, Gail. No, I just still have some of that spicy sauce that just made me and me haven't really gotten over it.

And Caesar's like, I'm just telling myself over and over, like, how proud I am of me. You know, I got to go to Europe for the first time. I got to see myself grow as a person. I'm just bummed. But what are you going to do, right? Maybe not tell everybody that you're not even cooking your own casserole, Cesar. For sake, bro.

So Bailey is going to go. I was shocked that Bailey went. I have to say I'm shocked. I don't think Bailey sucks. I think the thing that sucks the most about Bailey is she has this lack of self-confidence that is terrible.

I think it's hard to take her seriously on something like this. And like a lot of the comments I read about her online are not nice. And I think if she was a really confident, especially male chef, let's be honest. But if she was like a Massimo type coming in and cooking how she is like, I was amazing. I did Palenta two times because I fucking wanted to. Because Palenta is amazing. You know, she had that kind of attitude. She'd probably be like winning this hands down. And it wouldn't feel like such a shock. But I think because of her like...

It does seem shocking. I'm shocked that she's in the finals. I'm shocked because she started off the season so badly. I mean, when she got eliminated earlier in the season, it seemed like, well, we knew that was coming because she was sort of...

So then when she actually won last chance kitchen, it was like Bailey one last chance kitchen. Cause remember she went up against that guy who made the chicken sandwich who seemed like he was, he was really good in the beginning of the season. And then he had like that one bad dish. So I was shocked that she came back and then she kept on doing the

Well, she had some moments where she did really well and some moments where she was like mediocre. It just was surprising that Bailey's made it all the way to the finals. I was actually even surprised Cesar came back from last chance kitchen too. I thought for sure it'd be Katiana. So yeah, me too. I don't know. Surprising, but we have the finale. The grand finale is going to be this week. So we'll see who wins last.

Watch Bailey win the whole thing. You never know. This show's crazy. You never know what could happen on this show. There have been a lot of winners that have been like, that'd be a shocker if Tristan doesn't win. But I don't know. There could be a Bailey upset. You never know. Why? Why has been on a hot streak recently in the middle of the season? He kind of like

It's, it's started to feel like, okay, schwe is out of his depth. He was sort of really good in the beginning. And then the middle, he just sort of started to become mediocre. I was like, okay, he like went as far as he could go, but now the show is getting to be too big for him. And suddenly he's come back and I do love, they do love a comeback story.

but i think it's gonna be tristan i mean who who would be fooling it's gonna be tristan right i think it's gonna be tristan but tristan is so confident to the point of overconfidence that they might pull the rug out from under tristan because that's what this show does i mean he's very overconfident and i feel like the audience is very confident for him i mean i think he's gonna win i think it's gonna be a huge upset if he doesn't win and i think he deserves to win i think he deserves to win too but this show with you you know and it's like i know

You never know. I mean, that would be so cruel. This guy did not even go to his father's funeral to stay on Top Chef. And if it's not that like you deserved one because of that, but like, you know, that on some level, it's a food competition. I mean, if you're, you know, if you have to cook the food, so we'll see.

We will see. Okay. Well, everyone, thanks for being here. Join us for a crappy hour later tonight. We've got a lot of stuff to talk about. If this is actually up in time, or you can listen to the replay and go to watch crappies.com to get your tickets to our final two shows of the year. Get them before it's too late. Bye everyone. Bye.

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