#2890 RHOM S7E1: It’s Hard Out Here For a Pippin Live in Seattle
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Seattle! Hello Seattle! Oh my god, thank you guys! Oh my god! Thank you so much Seattle! Thank you!

If this is your first time coming to a Seattle show, did we sell it short? I don't think so. The Seattle crowd goes off. That feels amazing. Thank you so much. Oh my God. I know. So good to be here. We're staying like two blocks away from the ICE protests. Yeah.

Let me tell you, there's nothing like coming to a show after you've put a brick through a cop car. God damn, I feel good. Yeah. We are here today recording on the eve of World War III, so welcome. We're handling it pretty well. Yeah. You know, in the movies and TV shows and stuff, I watch all the Walking Deads, I watch all the zombie shit, you know, I love that. I think we're so just used to seeing the end of the world that by the time it's here, we're just like...

Where are we going tonight? We're literally walking through the protest like, hey, where do you want to have dinner? I actually love that we're recapping the real housewives of Miami because like, yeah, because you know that somewhere with all the shit going on, Alexa's like, oh, well, you know what happened to me today? It was actually... They're calling in the Marines. The city's on fire. Oh, well, you know Peter. Oh, his Instagram was frozen, so it's a big day. Yeah.

Yeah, I think everybody's doing really well. I was on the plane today coming here, and it was a local, you know, the flight attendants or whatever were local. You guys are cheery motherfuckers in Seattle. Because you guys, it's like rainy here, you know, so I always think it's going to be gloomy. It's never gloomy here. This was the stewardess. She was like, elbows, knees, elbows, knees, and hips. Elbows, knees, and hips. I was like, is she selling something? Like, what is she doing?

To keep your shit out of the aisle. She woke me up three times doing that. Out means it is.

You know, my favorite thing in the world is when flight attendants have that cart and it's time to serve the cocktails and they just go ramming up that aisle and they hit everyone's elbows because, you know, that's like their moment when they can express themselves. They have to be polite to all of us disgusting people. But like in that moment when they've got the cart, they're like, my revenge will be quick and sweet. They're fat shaming asses. That's what they're doing. Even if they're the fatter ones, like even if they're fatter than you, they'll hit you with that cart harder.

Well, I have to say, I mean, the world is like crazy right now, but it is great to be here in Seattle because it is Pride this month. Yeah. And this is, as I always mention, this is the city where I came out of the closet. I always forget that when we come here. Isn't that funny? Yeah. And today you're here with your boyfriend, your lover, your life partner. He's here today. He is here. We love him. Yeah. Little Dom Pride. Both my husbands. Yeah.

Remember back in the day when gays didn't have kids that much? Today there were some gays on the plane with kids and I was like, us too. Yeah, the worst. We're like, happy bride. Ugh, aren't we the worst? We are the worst. Okay, this is the gay kid. I mean, the kid wasn't gay. The kid of the gay. I mean, I don't know if he's gay. You do you. You're too young. We'll talk later. But this is the gay child on the plane in front of me. And then...

That's how he was on his seat the whole time. I was like, the gay kid is raving. You've got a gay child and he's raving on the plane. Calm your gay child down, gay parents. Bring me back the straight kids. What happened to those? Everyone needs to calm down because I know it's pride, but people need to calm down because we were in LAX yesterday coming up here and we saw an influencer in the wild and this guy, he's known for having a big butt.

And so he was walking through LAX with like booty shorts on tight booty shorts that exposed like his whole crack. And I was like, sir, we are in an airport and I know it's LAX, but you need to calm down. Okay. You're getting a little too LAX, sir. Okay. Pants donkey. It's too much.

So anyway... I'm never going to complain about a big old booty because I flew through Burbank. And I know you guys aren't LA locals, but LAX is like the big fancy airport. And Burbank is like the shitty little one in the valley. You know?

LAX, you hear them fighting in the parking lot from the place that you're sitting waiting for the plane. Some guy was thrown up against the door. He's like, oh, fuck you! Fuck you! It's like, yeah, Burbank. LAX is like the Sur, and Burbank Airport is Jax's. We called the Burbank Airport Brits tonight! Hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray!

Oh, no. Seriously, the world is really fucked up. Oh, wait, guys. Guys, Jax is doing great. He's like, really? He's learned so many things. And I know it's a silver lining on a crazy daylight today. I can see you right now. I can see you talking right fucking now. We should have known this would be a terrible week. I mean, as soon as Paige quit Summer House, we knew it was going to be downhill. She's fine. She's on a commercial. I saw her the other day on some commercial.

I think it's for hair. What is it for? Tresemme. It is for hair. I'm good. I couldn't remember if it was for that or the Dunkin' Donuts drink that she's got. Tresemme. Now she does her podcast. She's got like a big thing that looks like nuclear waste sitting next to her. It's like bright pink. Well, it's nuclear waste. I guess that's green. It's like neon pink. It's like, okay, anyway, Hannah, you did not drink that.

You do not drink a whole gallon of calories sitting at your desk, Paige. But I believe that Tresome won, though, because she was walking down the street like this. She's like, I have hair. I have hair. And then another girl passed her, and she's like, oh, my God, you have hair. She's like, yeah, girl. I actually saw a really weird tie-in. I saw Carl promoting something called Tresofte. Oh.

It's when you want your hair to be just a little softer. It's a 24-step process. Do it one step at a time. Baby steps. Get a little bit softer. A little bit softer now. A little bit softer now. A little bit softer now. A little bit softer now. It only just keeps getting softer. Because everyone lies down at the end of the song. A little bit softer now. A little bit softer now.

What song is that? Shout. It's called Lindsay. It's called I Pray for Lindsay. A little bit softer now. A little bit softer now. A little bit softer. Shout. Oh, oh my God. That's too hard. That's too hard. Be gentle. Please stop shouting at me. Be gentle. Please stop shouting at me. Soft or tender. Tender voices only. Thank you. Um.

Meow. All right. So this is the beginning of the season of Real Housewives. Yes. Welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo we just love to talk about. Um...

So exciting to be doing. We have not done a lot of Real Housewives of Miami episodes. One, because it's always on a weird day. It's usually on like Friday. You know, that doesn't work for our schedule. And also because a couple of times we've done it and people look at us like they're like, are we allowed to laugh? This is problematic.

So for those of you new to the show, we're kind of problematic, but only in the way that we're trying to actually sound like these ladies. Okay. We're not trying to, if we sound like we're doing a Speedy Gonzalez, it's not on purpose. Yeah. We're just attempting to, we're attempting to sound like the specific person. Yeah. Like we call each other and we're like, Ben, does this sound real or no? Yeah.

We go over our Spanish phrases. We do the work, okay? So if it's problematic, just know a lot of work went into this problem. Yes.

We're trying to solve it. But we mean no offense in that way. Okay, now that that's out of the way. And also, we really love Gail and we're really sorry that we make mean jokes about Gail. We love Gail Simmons. Why are you so mean to Gail? No matter how many times you say we're sorry, we don't mean to be mean to Gail. We'll get like, how dare you? Shannon Bedore is like, I listen to your podcast.

Did you mean to be so mean to that unfamous woman? Okay. Previously on The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Okay. Wedding vow time for Alexia. Dear Anthony, insurance lawyer, I am sorry for maligning your career. You're a very good lawyer. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Wedding vows. Wedding vows. Oh, I apologize. Hold on. Wrong paper. Wrong paper.

Hold on. Blink in Spanish, blink in Spanish, blink in Spanish. Alexia, I, Todd, vow to marry you in sickness and in health and in rent because buying property just doesn't make financial sense. You can see by watching my Instagrams. He's a businessman. I am. I am. Dios mio, I'll drink to that. I'll drink to that. Todd.

I vow to never leave you as long as you stay rich and are nice to Frankie and Peter because they're both angels and if Peter is ever accused of anything like beating up a homeless person to get views on his TikTok, oh well, you know, Peter, people are jealous. Here's to never letting anything come between us except for my finances. Oh, really?

Because I heard that Todd wants to leave Alexia. I heard it in the lobby of the building, but Todd was leaving the party. We haven't even finished our vows, Adriana. Alexia, you literally came right between us. Let us finish the ceremony. I only want you two to be happy, bitch. Hag. I hate her so much.

Um, you're like not the only like happy one, Alexia. Okay? Like, I found the love of my life with Michael Jordan's like son. Like, he used to like play with my kids in the back like yard. Like, we have like a podcast. Listen. Okay. Hey, I'm Marcus. Hi, welcome to our pod... Okay. Marcus. Oh, from the top. Marcus. Hey. Okay. Marcus, you're supposed to start. Okay. Hey, you start. Okay.

You start, okay? Start over again. Hey, everyone. Hey, everyone, I'm Lars. Okay, you want to start? You want to start? You should start. You should start. All right. I didn't mean to. I just jumped in. This is really good. I'm Marcus. You're so good at this. I love you so much. Babe, you're so good at this. You're so fucking hot. You're so good at this. You're so good at this. One time I fucked Marcus in a car park. Do you remember that? Yeah. I thought it was a park that cars go to. It was funny. Yeah, we...

We thought it was a Chick-fil-A, but it was actually just a public access parking lot. So funny. Start over. Okay. I am so bored with my life. I want to have baby with old lady now. I don't want a baby, honey. Find a hobby. Okay, I will find hobby. I take singing class. Okay, my ears. Okay, God. Okay, we'll have a baby. We'll have a baby.

Oh, there's a baby goal? I'll drink to that. Babies. I love babies. I'll drink a baby. I don't care what she says. Gertie-like, you're like a stupid bitch-like. I can't even, like, do it anymore, like... Larsa, I don't want to fight with you anymore. So I'm going to tell you a secret you cannot tell anybody. I have cancer. Oh my god, I'm a cancer too.

Why are we fighting like? Not the astrological, Larsa. I have cancer. Oh my god, I won't tell anyone at all. You guys, Gertie has cancer like. Um, you guys, as the only doctor in the group, is cancer like a form of cancer? Or... No, it's like cancer like.

Now you're calling my cancer basic? You bitch. You bitch. Oh, well, you know, by the way, we haven't checked in on Lisa yet. So, Lisa, what's going on? Lenny! Lenny! Okay, okay, this is very nice, but, like, Lenny left you last year, so you have to get a new storyline. Okay, I'm telling you as a friend, and not just as a friend, but as a star. Okay, all right. All right, new storyline. New storyline. Okay.

I lost my lipstick on a boat. Ah, lipstick. Oh, I bet he got those. I'll drink that. And scene. And scene. Right now in the world, I don't think anybody knows what's happening with Housewives. I think we're worried, you know? I hear noise in the world. I hear talk of war. I hear, like, news, news, ah, crying, you know, explosions, people bleeding. And I'm like, but what's happening with Housewives? Are we okay? Okay.

Because, you know, we have like great seasons like Salt Lake City. And then we have good season like Orange County had a really good season. And then we're excited for Atlanta to come back. We're like, Atlanta's going to kill it. Now we're like, oh, please. What's happening? What's happening? But then we get Miami. Miami is so good. It looks like a coloring book. It's like high definition. Dears. Boobs.

Outfits, like the costumes. Like, is this going to win a Best Costume Emmy at some point? It deserves it. Like, what the hell? It deserves it. How are they even talking about Andor and not Real Housewives of Miami? Marisol's been doing that shit for 10 years.

I also feel like I'm watching the news. Everything's like, da-da-da-da-da-da-da. This just in. I'm like, I need a break from this. So I go to Miami. It's like, da-da-da-da-da-da-da. 2024, Alexia's life. I'm like, oh my God, it's still happening. I'm hearing the news sounds. And finally, I'm glued to my seat. I'm like, oh my God, what's going to happen? So we see a very sad Ferris wheel. It's like, brrrr. The Ferris wheel's like pink. It's like, mmm. Well, you know, Peter.

So we see a yacht that's just floating. And then it says, flashback, April 2022, Todd and Alexia's wedding night. And the fireworks are going off. Everything's exciting. Oh, everybody's dressed up glamorously. And we hear Todd. What an outrageous crowd. It's so good to have y'all here at my wedding. You, Alexia, to find a woman that looks like she was drawn by the same guy who does the Pokemon cards.

You've changed my life. I don't rent a penthouse. Because remember, that's what Lisa was complaining about in the background of this wedding. She's like, I don't rent. I don't rent. No, she was saying, how dare you accuse me of having a mortgage? Oh, that's what it was. Sorry. It's even more ridiculous.

They literally had to explain to her what a mortgage was. Do you remember? It's like, it's okay to have a mortgage. People have them. Yeah.

So we see this beautiful wedding, and then we hear Alexia's voice. She's like, Todd is everything to me, and he's always been accepting of the most important thing to me, my sons and my boobs. And that is why I fell in love with Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd. Todd.

On screen, page six, Real Housewives of Miami star Alexi and the Bullets husband, Todd, files for divorce after two years of marriage. Yep. And then we just cut to Ariana going, yep, I was right. Called it. Called it.

So now, flashback to April 2024, which is a whole year ago, by the way. I mean, this timeline's really impressive on this show. So now it's Alexia sobbing in the arms of Marisol. And Julia's like, oh, no, no, don't cry, don't cry. Por favor, por que sos? Oh, my God. Don't let him make you feel like this. Come on, cheer up. Let's turn that frown upside down.

All right, everybody. Esperame. It's time for a monologue. Okay, all right. I will sit down. All of this happened

On Saturday, April 6th. Oh, God. But on Friday, the day before, he told me to pick a restaurant. He said, make it beautiful. So I pick a restaurant. I get ready for the restaurant. It's a beautiful restaurant. Oh, it sounds wonderful. The menus were new. The menus were so heavy. I was like, what is in this? Is this a brick in the menu? Oh, so heavy. It was so good. There was so much in there. Who has a heavy menu? Am I right? I mean, it's crazy, this story already. And then he told me, you're the most beautiful woman. He was looking for a card somewhere in my purse. I don't know. He kept calling me a Pokemon. There's always a card in there. There's always a card in the purse.

And so then, we had a good dinner. I ordered. I broke my arm from the menu. I was like, oh, my. Heavy menus. Heavy menu. Did you get the fish? And then the next day, everything's gone. Everything is gone. Oh, no. Everything. Oh, no. It went and moved all of my stuff. All of my stuff. And they did it in front of Frankie. Oh, not in front of Frankie. Not in front of Frankie.

I die. Because now the rest of the episode, she's like, how could he do this in front of Frankie? Yeah.

And, you know, in the morning he was planning to get me out of the house and he kept on saying, like, why don't you leave already? Why don't you leave already? Because I was, like, going to do something with Peter. And I was like, oh, well, you know, Peter's not ready yet. He's like, why do you have to wait for Peter? I was like, oh, well, you know, it's Peter. I have to wait for Peter. He hasn't woken up yet. He's like, but it's 11 a.m. And I said, well, Peter likes to sleep late. He's an artist. He's asleep late until 3 p.m. You know, I have to wait for Peter. Why do you want me out of the house so much? And he's like, I just want you out of the house. But Peter is, like, asleep. I can't leave without Peter. He's like, why can't you leave with Peter for once? I said, why don't you...

If you like Peter so much, why don't you stay with him? And I said, no, I'm going to stay with him. And then all of a sudden we were knocking on Peter's door. I was like, don't knock on the door of an artist. And he did this all in front of Frankie.

And then Frankie told me, he's gone. He's gone, Mom. Todd, he's gone. He did it in front of me. He did it in front of my son, Julia. He left him there in the front, moving suitcases. Not the suitcases. Were they four-wheel or two-wheel? Because that explains, that's a big difference. He had it all planned. Yeah, he did. You think he's going to move out with you standing there over him? Of course, he escaped. He escaped. It's time for a commercial.

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I loved Marisol's version of consolation. Well, you know, you've been here before. You married a gay guy. You know. You married a drug dealer. It's just part of it. And you know what? You stood up on two feet after both those times and look where it got you. Another closeted gay man. It was okay.

You're okay. You're going to be fine, okay? Just burn all those ABBA records and you'll be a-okay. She's like, honey, your blood pressure's going up. Just relax. You've got to calm down. This isn't your first time at that rodeo. I mean, look at you, discarded. You're like a piece of gum in somebody's mouth. You can't be shocked when you're stuck under the table of a diner after a while. Wait.

But I have important detail to the story, okay? Because on Monday, I was talking to him, nothing. Then Thursday, I get the phone call from him saying, you know, your husband wants to file for divorce. But you know what? All this time, we were talking on Monday, and what about Tuesday? And what about Wednesday? And then Saturday, we could have talked, but we didn't even get to Saturday. So how about that? I'm like, thanks for the rundown for every day of your week.

And Julie is there, and she's like, what a heartless, heartless person he is. How could he? I wasn't listening. You've been through it. And so Julie is like, you know what happens when men go? You have your kids. You have your friends. I have a goat. You have a goat. You have a goat. He's in my purse. I have purse goat. So two days later, we cut to Alexia in the car. Ring, ring, ring. Hello? Hello? Who's this? Who's this? Hi. It's me. Hi.

Teresa Giudice, thank you so much for calling me. You know, a lot of people say that you've never seen us both in the same room. But look, it's proof. We're two different people. Oh, let me tell you what happened. On Monday, I was talking to Todd. On Tuesday, we got postmates. On Wednesday, we cleaned the floor. On Thursday, he asked for a divorce. Just like that. In front of Frankie. Can you even believe it? I thought we'd be together forever. I know. Thank you so much. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, thank you. Thank you. That was very helpful. Does Teresa even know she's on the phone? I could hear the blinks from over here. All you hear from Teresa's side is blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink. She still thought she was on Next Gen New York City. I can't believe Todd divorced Brooks Marks. Yes.

Later that day. So now she's talking to the whole cast, right? So Lisa's like, oh my God, did we talk about the divorce? I'm leaving Lenny. There was no fight. There was no nothing. That's why it was so painful. It would have been painful if I saw it. It would have been painful if the maid saw it. But for Frankie to see it. Do you guys think you can work it out? Things out, things out, like things like out? Like I'm sure it's circuiting. Yeah, of course.

I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could take every moment back and make it work again. But I can't do it. Every time I think I'm happy, something else happens. You have never thought you're happy. Listen, I've been watching this lady for a decade. She's never been like, I'm happy.

She has, but it's been like five minutes and then ten minutes later it's like rivers of mascara. Like, why? And I just love Adriana just sitting there saying, well, a lot of things make sense now. You know how people kind of half shrug when they're right? They're like, whatever, I was right. She just keeps the shrug. She's like, the whole episode. She does, actually. In all of her interviews, she's like this. She's like, I keep it up. I keep it up.

So they're like, we love you, Alexia. And Marisol's like, pile in hookers. Get on in here. Get on in here.

So now we see all the ladies in the group picture, but we don't get their opening lines yet. Can't wait. So five months later. I love the season hasn't even started yet. This was just like a random weekend. I know. We've spanned already three years in this opening. I mean, like House of the Dragon has nothing on this show. Okay. So shots of Miami, boobs, cars, cars, boobs. Cars with boobs.

Car is driving boobs. So Alexia and Marisol, they meet each other at this restaurant. They're saying hi in Spanish. They're talking about how they're both blonde now and everything. I miss the slow-mo entrances because they don't even do them. Some of the women, like Kiki, will do it like, it's me, Kiki, walking slowly through. But some of them are just so awkward. Like Marisol's just like... Steve, tell me where my left foot's in front of my right foot, Steve. Yeah.

Like slow motion paint eroding off of a wall in a paint commercial. So I guess that would be opposite, though, with Marisol. By the way, how do the women look so amazing on this show? They do, right? They look amazing. And I think plastic surgery has come so far and so many of us have talked insurance into giving it to us. Fingers crossed. Fingers crossed.

That we're just getting used to these faces? Because I saw Lisa and I was like, she looks 12 and not terrified. Yeah. Like, has she just grown into it? It's so funny. Earlier today, I went on to King 5 here in Seattle. Wow.

And they said that there had been a rumor of there being like a Real Housewives of Seattle. And they were like, they're like, why do you think Seattle hasn't had one yet? It's like, well, I don't see any like plastic surgery billboards anywhere. You got to pick up your plastic surgery game here. And then it could be considered. I mean, look at what Miami is doing. Okay. Yeah, they look so crazy, but so good. I guess I'm just used to it. But their skin is like,

It's not even like, I don't even want to pull it back. And it's so shiny. And then somebody told me that they're injecting people now with, I don't know, something. Like fetus something. I don't know. I think we're beyond stem cells. So rest easy, babies. We're the whole flower cell. Yeah. I'm like, can't wait to come to your sippancy. Packing my little cooler bag in my purse. Yeah.

But they're injecting themselves with something in their face. I forget what it is. If you remember, DM me. The souls of children. No, we're past children now. We're like, eh, these don't last long enough. Your skin cells grow up and blame you for everything. Who needs that? We're about to be splooshed on by salmon. I got a salmon sperm facial. It's rejuvenating. So...

So Marisol and Alexia are talking, and Marisol's like, by the way, Lisa's coming, so let's talk before everything happens here. Okay, let's do the real gossip before Monkey gets here. So then we see the first headline of many headlines that come across our screen, which is that Lenny Hochstein and fiancée, Katerina Mazepa, end their engagement after one year after proposal. I thought they were a forever couple.

But there, he is just like that with everybody. He's like going to get with you and break up with you, you know, give you a house, lock you out of the house. You know how it goes. And this week, the headline is actually the same. It's like Lenny is back with this girl. Nope, Lenny broke up with this girl. So, um... Is that real? They got back together this week? No, they broke up again this week. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

That guy's got a lot of energy. So Mary still is like, I hope she just doesn't fall back in Lenny's trap. I'm sorry, Lenny is not trying to trap Lisa. He's changing the locks on the house. It's not a trap. And Alexia is like, oh no, she's not going to mess things up with Jody. Have you seen Jody? Have you seen Jody? Okay, let's see Jody. Hi, everyone. I hope you can all come to my earth, I think, Arnie. What? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

What dentist cemented his teeth together? This is why you don't get on the wrong side of a dental professional.

Jodi's been by her side. She's not going to mess that up. And I think women just want their exes to be nice to them. That's all we want. That's all we want. Finally, she's going to get it with Lenny. So then on the screen, we see photos of Lenny and Jodi, or Lisa and Jodi, sorry, looking all happy. Jodi. All right, enough about that. Let's talk about a different couple. Let's talk about Todd. You didn't tell me you were seeing him. I had to see it in the press.

Okay, well, I'm not ashamed or embarrassed because I'm a star, okay? And it's hard not to give him another chance when I'm still in love with him, okay? Because I feel like Todd and I are, like, not finished. Marisol is wearing a glitter dog cone hat.

I don't know how to explain what she's even wearing in this confessional. It's like a big glitter tube that someone put on her, like a funnel, and then they put a belt. So it bells out at the bottom, and then it bells out at the top. She looks like filter coffee. And her face is kind of looking over the fence. She's like Lucy from the Peanuts. She's like, no. No, I don't. I don't want to.

She's like, wait, you got back together with this guy? I've got like four camera-ready outfits and I burned one of them on that scene consoling you last year. So in comes Lisa. She's like, hello, everybody. Three. Party of three. It's under Lenny. Okay, okay. Hi, girls. And they're like, well, we're just talking. We're afraid you're going to get back with Lenny. She's like, oh, yeah, he's asking. I'm moving back in. He's asking. No!

They get so mad at her so quickly. Alexia's like, uh-uh, no, no, no, don't do this. I'm telling you, don't do this. This is a huge mistake. She's like, I'm joking. But it wasn't a very funny joke. So Alexia's like, yeah, you can't do this. You have a daughter, Lisa. You have to be, he needs to be remorseful. You know, you need to think about your children. Think about what he did to Frankie. Yeah.

I'm just kidding. Jesus. Okay. I would rather post a fucking ugly photo of myself naked than I would ever want in a million years to get back with him. I love like that's like the bottom of the barrel for her. Like Lisa's most terrifying thing. The worst thing in the world would be an unflattering naked photo. I would rather go filterless on Instagram than get back. Okay, wait, wait. No, I'd fuck Lenny. I'd fuck Lenny. I would rather drive my maid's Honda Civic again.

I forgot about that. Then get back with Lenny. You know, there are some people who don't watch Miami and are like, maybe just watch it tonight for the first time. You really need to catch up because the lore is amazing. It's so good. Because this makes sense. The sound, everything makes sense to us Miami fans. So Alexi is like, oh, you know, let me tell you. I have to tell you about Tododok, okay?

He filed for divorce thinking he was going to close the chapter, but then two weeks later he said, oh my God, I can't live without the Alexia. I need the Alexia in my life. So he went back to chapter one and instead of Alexia, he put his penis down on it, slammed the page a few times. It's a good book. Okay, you know what? They told me I'm not full time again, so here's the line I proposed. What's good for the whole isn't always good for the soul. Am I right? You're welcome, America.

All right, well, I'm going to throw a birthday party for Jodi. It's going to be super Marilyn Monroe-ish, right? That had a happy ending. So come on to that one. By the way, I just want to say, spoiler alert, no one shows up dressed old Hollywood-ish to this party.

They do dress very like old Elodia, this store in El Paso where I grew up. There was this one lady named Elodia, Elodia. And she was from Mexico. And she's like, come to Elodia for all of your formal needs. And you go to Elodia and it's like sparkles. Like, where are you going to wear this in El Paso? There is nowhere to wear this.

But we did. The gay children of El Paso and their mothers at the country club found a way. I was going to say, she was before her time. So the question is, is Marcus Jordan going to be at Jody's old Hollywood birthday party? I'm surprised he wasn't, actually, because there was a lot of coke there. The AC was really good.

So, I mean, I don't know if there's any coke lovers in here, but man, if there's coke at a party, I don't give a shit if fucking Gaddafi's throwing it. I don't care. I don't care if I have to take an unflattering naked photo of myself. I'll be there, Gaddafi. I'm so sorry for that. I don't care if Dwight D. Eisenhower's biggest enemy is there.

If Gorbachev is there, I'm in. I do not care. Tear down this wall, bitch, and get me the coke. This just in. Geraldine Ferraro wants in on the party. So we see a headline that says, Larson Marcus have broken up. So Lisa's like, okay, well, Lisa...

So, Larsa and I had a huge issue and now my name is getting dragged all over because let me set the record straight and let me be crystal clear, okay? Jody and I were at a fine establishment called Catch, okay? Fine dining, negative three Michelin stars. Look it up. I feel like that restaurant is anti-gay because that's like the worst thing you can say to a gay person. Catch, don't throw things at us. Stop doing it.

I would like if it was just called Kvetch. Hey! Kvetch joke!

Oh, God, I'm on a roll, Geraldine Ferraro Nelkovich. Come on. These things happen in threes. Killing it. So, yeah, Jody and I were at catch. And then we see all of Jody's bestest friends in all the whole wide world, including Marcus Jordan, son of the NBA. And we sit down for maybe a minute. And that was it. Just one minute, maybe an hour, but probably a minute later.

And then Jody went out to dinner with his friends, which is sort of weird because we were already at the restaurant and we were leaving the restaurant. But whatever.

Yeah, that is a fucked up Lisa story for sure. That's fucked up. And yeah, so he went out to dinner. You know, he took a picture for his Insta. Big deal. Who of us puts any, you know, any cred into Instagram? Nobody. I know, right? Who cares? Who cares? So then he went to dinner and I was invited, but I said, hell to the no. I have respect for women.

Hell to the no, no, no, no, no, no, no is what I said specifically. And then Marcus takes out his phone and takes a selfie with Jody. And he didn't even post it. But Jody's not going to say, who's Jody to say no to Marcus Jordan? Am I right? Am I right? Am I right? Well, let me tell you, that really hurt. Marcus thought you could have stopped him. Okay. Sorry. Not in front of Frankie. Not in front of Frankie. He's right there.

I can't stop Jody from being with his friends. He's a guy. He's a man. Well, Larsa said you should have controlled him. Yeah, well, Larsa, then Larsa, you know what Larsa did to me? You know what she did to me? What did she do? She texted me, and she said, oh, yeah, well, I'm going to start hanging out with Lenny and Katarina. That is really fucked up. That is really fucked up, you guys. Yeah, well, she plays dirty like that. What am I going to do? Am I right? What's good for the soul is good for the pole, right?

It was attack after attack after attack. Listen to this. I'm going to be front. This text thread is just so Larsa to you.

Okay, that's cool. I'm not going to be friends with anything. And then all my friends, including Greed, love her. That's cool, right? What if I was friends with her? You'd really like that, right? Like, really? You don't have any real friends. Fuck you. You know what? Clearly, you don't even understand loyalty, whatever. You know what? When you go to an ice cream store and you hand in your card, they take stamps off of it. Like...

So Alexia has her chin up, you know. She's going to make a point. She's like, do you follow Marcus? Do you follow Marcus? Because you shouldn't follow him. You shouldn't follow him. Do it. You should follow him right now. Women who support women don't follow the men that the women have a problem with. I'm sorry. You need to unfollow him. I'm sorry. You need to unfollow him. Follow. Bad follow. Unfollow. It's like, well, if I did something wrong, I'd apologize, but I did not do something wrong. Okay? Okay.

You know what? You want to talk to somebody? Talk to Jody. Don't talk to me. Talk to Jody. Don't talk to me. And they're like, oh, my God. If they and should I do it at his birthday party? All right. Should I should I approach the talking Lincoln long at his birthday party to discuss this? Here comes one right now.

At 24, I lost my narrative, or rather it was stolen from me. And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. I

I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours. Something you possess is lost or stolen, and ultimately you triumph in finding it again. So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks, both recognizable and unrecognizable names, about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph.

My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank up. They connected with the people that I'm talking to and leave with maybe some nuggets that help them feel a little more hopeful. Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.

Every big moment starts with a big dream. But what happens when that big dream turns out to be a big flop?

From Wondery and At Will Media, I'm Misha Brown, and this is The Big Flop. Every week, comedians join me to chronicle the biggest flubs, fails, and blunders of all time, like Quibi. It's kind of like when you give yourself your own nickname and you try to, like, get other people to do it. And the 2019 movie adaptation of Catastrophe.

Cats. Like, if I'm watching the dancing and I'm noticing the feet aren't touching the ground, there's something wrong with the movie. Find out what happens when massive hype turns into major fiasco. Enjoy The Big Flop on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to The Big Flop early and ad-free on Wondery+. Get started with your free trial at wondery.com slash plus.

So now we go to Julia and Martina's house and they are baby proofing their kitchen, which you know Martina hates this. She's like, I paid $50,000 for this stove only to put a piece of plastic over it. Here's what I tell babies, buck the fuck up. Okay? Here's a racket, enjoy having this ace on your forehead. Alright, I just want to make sure, I don't care about the baby proofing, I just want to make sure everything we buy this baby is Harry Potter themed.

Friend to no one. Anyway, remember when we were daydreaming about expanding our family two years ago? Women being women! Okay, Martina, okay. Not on this show. When we least expect it, we get a cold thing. There's not one, but two baby boys and three goat. So now I have goat poop in one hand, diaper poop in the other?

Oh, God, it's real awkward when I mix up diapers. So they have babies, and you would think this would be a nice, lovely situation that would not be the source of any sort of drama, but you are wrong. This is Miami. Well, it's also Martina. I don't think Martina really thought this was going to happen. She's like, oh, my God, I'm so excited. Chris Everett drives by like, wow, nice. Enjoying retirement with your babies?

Enjoy karma. Enjoy your karma babies, bitch. I'm going to brunch with Steffi Graf. So she's like, oh, raising two little boys is definitely much different than raising two little girls. I'm good. And she's like, well, what do your friends think about it? Well, six of us joined the call. Welcome to Juliet.

So the zoom of drama. And so we see Julia zooming everyone to be like, guess what? I have goat poop in my hand. Is that for your face or am I supposed to inject that? What are we doing? What's good for the goat is good for the throat. Am I right?

So there's this drama because, first of all, if you all are real friends, why aren't you just going to lynch? Like, why do you got to Zoom each other? But okay, so they're Zooming. Let's just pretend it's pandemic times. They're Zooming each other. It's like, I have news. We're on a Zoom call. Where's Gertie? And everyone's like, oh, I don't know. Drop from the call. Gertie didn't make the Zoom call. Don, don, don. Get ready to die. Ha ha.

You had your easy cancer season. Now they're coming for you. Yeah. Because you weren't on the Zoom call. Zoom attack. What the hell with this show? They're like, let's get Gertie this season over the Zoom. Yes. You were not on Zoom call when I told people I have baby. So now we go over to Lisa's rental house. And Lisa's like, me and Jody decided to take a chance on our love. Right, Jody? That's absolutely correct.

It's like pressing buttons on his head. I'm not the remote control. He said, oh, yeah, right, right, right, sorry. So this home is a 6,000 square foot rental home. It's like 35 grand a month, 45 grand a month. I mean, it is. Huge difference, right? 35, 45 grand a month. Who cares? It is so white, it makes Angie Kay's home look like it was splattered with paint.

Like a crayon box. But no, it's this like really, you know, I mean, who cares? Lisa works. She works five full time jobs. Yes. You've heard.

If anybody could list even one of those, that would be great. Yeah. So they're talking about his upcoming birthday party. And she's like, so I guess you won't be inviting Marcus, huh? He's like, no, we don't need that. She's like, yeah, I don't need to give Larsa another reason to get me for something now, do I? Am I right? Am I right? He's like...

Guys, I wonder what Larsa's feeling right now. Let's go to her penthouse. So Larsa's mother is there. And here's what I love about Larsa's mother. She looks like she's full of regrets. Yes. Like, you know how there are those parents who are like, everything's up. Look at my kid. Aren't they doing great? Not her mom. She's like, this one. This one over here. I'm just starting up a bowl of... Please be better. I mean...

Mom, like, I know you're cooking some food, but like, you can leave the skin on, like. No, I don't like it. No, it's better with the skin, though. It's healthier, like. It's not what I do. Healthier, like, skin, like. Who's the chef here? You? Please. I mean, I'm a chef, too, honey. Oh, really? Boyardee? Who? Boyardee? Who? Open the can. I dare you. I dare you. You getting this camera person? Watch her try to open the can. Watch her.

I can, but I don't want to. Oh, okay. Yeah. Stupid. So, Larsa talks about being raised, her parents were great for everything, blah, blah, blah. And so, she says... It's like my big fat Greek wedding in my house. No, it's not. Not even the sequels. You know, Mom, I'm kind of getting used to being like alone now, like... Good. Welcome to the rest of your life. It's hard, especially when you're with the wrong person. Oh, okay.

Are you crying? Yeah. Are you crying? Yeah. Oh, any tears coming out there? Make them tilt. Tilt. Maybe they come out of you. Tilt. Try harder. Try harder. No. No, no. You don't understand. Okay.

It was so hard on my family having all the press in the world focused on us. Oh, yes, all the press. It didn't matter what country you were in. You could be in France-like. Name another country. Do it. You could do it. You could be in London-like.

You could be in like Idaho like. Okay, country Larsa. Country Larsa. You could be in like the country of Cancun like. Everyone was like, oh my God. Christ. There's so much on us. Yeah, like, and now Lisa's like talking about me like publicly. And I have tears coming out of my eyes like.

They really hurt, Mom. Ow, tears. My face is so wet. Ow. Same tears I had giving birth to you. Yes. Wait a minute. I need a minute, Mom. I need a... I'm giving on plane. I can't be here anymore. Larsa is acting like her breakup with Marcus was, like, scandal of all. And, like, literally, like, we saw a headline. I'm like, oh, okay, cool. And we all moved on. And she's like...

The way he's been saying things about me in the media, it's like crazy. It's just so hard on my family. No one cares, Larsa. So then we go to Lisa's house, and Lisa's like, I mean, these two, they get together, they break up, they get together, they break up. Who could take that in a couple? Okay, you know what, look. We can say what we want about Larsa, but Lisa, you're not in the place, man. Yeah. Okay?

So then Lisa gets a call and her dad is unwell. So she's like, sorry, everyone. You thought this would be a fun scene. Guess what? It's not. And then we go over to some docks in the ocean side and we have fan favorite Kiki.

Kiki and Gertie are just going onto a yacht. And here's another thing I love about this show. You know, we all love Salt Lake City. But at this point in a season premiere in Salt Lake City, they're all walking into Payless Shoes. And Kiki's going onto a yacht. So it's just nice to somehow have that glam. Not to even drive around or anything. She's just like, I can go to a yacht. I fucked the guy from there. Yeah.

It's just nice to have higher standards sometimes. So Gertie comes to me, "Oh my god, girl, what is this, a yacht? It's a yacht? This is crazy. Look at me, I'm like 15 pounds, it's like so ridiculous, and now here I am on a yacht." The word cancer will never leave my mouth again. So after the cancer, I had six surgeries. I mean, we were all very happy for Gertie. We love Gertie, and we're so glad that she has kicked cancer's ass.

Yeah. She's like, I had a breast reduction. I lost weight. I did everything. Cancer said no. I said, fuck you, cancer. I'm going to do it.

So I did it. And, you know, Russell... It's such a weird thing to say to somebody who's just had cancer, but Kiki's like, oh, don't worry. I'm sure Russell doesn't even mind it. You look fine. It's so Miami to be like, don't worry. I'm sure you can still get fucked. I mean, he did marry you, right? So, um...

Kiki is like, oh, the reason we're on this yacht is because I'm a member of the Miami Beach Yacht Club. That's right. Because I used to fuck the owner. So I still get to use his yacht whenever I want. And they're like, wait, so you're no longer dating him and he still lets you use it? Did you break up? She goes, yeah. What's wrong with that? Yeah.

She's like, I'm still supposed to fuck him? No. She's like, why are you acting like I have to fuck him to be on a yacht? You guys are crazy.

So what's funny with Kiki is that as big as Alexia's reaction, Alexia always has so much drama and it's always so big. Like, just when I thought I was happy. But like, Kiki Loki always has as much drama. She's like, oh yeah, so, you know, my son just graduated high school and started college and I was dating someone and then I found out this whole time he had a girlfriend and a whole other family and he calls up and says, by the way, I broke up with my girlfriend. Anyway, enjoy the yacht. I know, she goes like through Housewives five seasons, you know?

Like, well, I had a baby, then I taught the baby to drive, then I got a divorce, I met a new man, then I got rid of the new man after I found out he had a new family. You know, now I have a yacht. How about you?

So then they check in with Adriana and Adriana's like, "Well, I'm currently seeing someone. He's like a tall French man that you saw. Kiki, I have a pattern. I have a pattern, Kiki. I like my men like I like my coffee. French roast, tall, dark, with a little bit of cream." I added that part for her because I know she wanted to say it. My rules are don't waste my time.

Oh, yeah? Well, I want to transition to Alexia because maybe she's shacking up a tot again in a hotel. What? What? What? Did anybody read this? Did anybody read this? It was all over the place. It was all over the place. I had to read it. You know, I think right now Alexia's judgment is just pretty cloudy, you know, because I understand because in the Latin culture, sometimes we forgive our man way too many times. That's completely unlike my culture. I never forgive them. But I still fuck them.

Awesome. Never forgive, but never stop fucking. Yeah, well, I hope she finds peace with whatever's going on with her and Todd because now I can see what she's going through through the other side of the tunnel. I look through the other side of the tunnel of happiness and I look to sadness. You know, it's like the reverse of when you die. I'm standing in heaven and I'm saying, go away from the lights. You are very sad. Yeah.

And she's like, I just hope I can be there for her. And they're all like, Adriana? Did you watch the last two seasons? No. So then we go to Alexi and Larsa meeting for their fight. Fight lunch. Fight lunch. Fight lunch. So Alexi and Larsa are talking. Wait.

It's actually just Alexia and Lars. Oh, don't worry. No, it's not a fight lunch. Sorry. Never mind. A regular lunch. Regular lunch. Regular lunch. Oh, my God. Alexia's in pain lunch. Alexia's in pain. Oh, my God. I don't know if you know this, but I was just chased by so many paparazzis. They were from heaven, so they were ghosts. You couldn't see them.

Oh my God. I just wanted to get together with you and ask you about how it's going with Marcus because let me tell you, as somebody who's going through this with Todd, it's so sad for me. It is so sad for me. Tell me what's happening with Marcus. It's just a little sadder for me, though. I know. For me, it's so sad. It's like a little sadder for me, though. It's sadder for me because you just get to a point where you've been hurt so many times in your fake relationship. Oh, I know. I'm hurt so much. I'm hurt right now. I'm hurt right now. Yeah, I look back at all those other girl rumors and like what everyone was telling me, like, look out. I shouldn't have believed Marcus. Mm-hmm.

And the white substance on his nose picture. Oops, did I say that on the show? That's crazy. It's embarrassing for me. It's embarrassing. It really hurt me and Todd. It really hurt me and Todd, those pictures. Everyone was so embarrassed by that. It hurt me so much. I felt like I snorted Marcus, and it gave me an overdose of Todd. Does that make sense? But you know what's great about those tables? What? They turn. What?

What are you, a waitress? What is this, Applebee's? Turn him and burn him! What's good for the table is good for the fables. Am I right? Okay, I'm running dry here a little bit. I'm running dry.

So now we go to the, I love that they outed, well, they didn't really out Marcus's Coke thing, because then we see the picture of Marcus doing Coke, basically. First of all, who does Coke over breakfast? The whole point of doing Coke is that you don't have to eat breakfast. I mean, that's just wasteful. It's wasteful of eggs and Coke. Pick one. There are children without Coke all over the country. Ha ha ha ha ha.

But there's breakfast here, and then Marcus has a spoon for cereal piled with Coke. And he's like, it was sugar for his tea. Sugar for his tea.

So now we go to this birthday party thing for Jodi. And it's ridiculous, you know. And so Alexia, there's like a tall guy there. So Lisa's like, oh my God, Jodi's got a tall friend. You should talk to him. And Alexia's like, no, you should tell Kiki because I'm married.

This is one episode. You're ping-ponging too much. I know. So they're all like chit-chatting and everything. And then Julia is there. And she's like, oh, Adriana, I haven't seen you in a bit. And who is tall person that looks terrified in his eyes next to you? You've been hiding him. He's probably the reason why I haven't seen Adriana in a year, aren't you? Is this French guy smart? What do you guys think? I think he's dumb.

Does anybody know French? I wish I knew French so I could know what he's saying. Because I don't believe the chyrons or whatever. Yeah, no, he's a con artist. You do? But she's broke. What's he going to get? Well, he's a bad con artist. Thirsty maybe for TV? I think he's kind of cute. He's got like a big French nose and he's just like... He sort of looks like Oliver Martinez. Remember Oliver Martinez? Yeah, wasn't that guy on the Netflix show about banging a lot?

29 days? Wait, is that a zombie show? Why are so many things named like 28 days? There's the rehab with Sandra Bullock. There's the one with the zombies with Kate Wetser-Bones. Yeah. And then there's that... Jax's rehab, yeah. Sorry, that was called 28 Seconds.

Also, wedding night. Jax's wedding night. Okay, so... So, yeah, so they're all getting there, and she's... Adriana is really like, look at me, I'm boyfriend now. But never quite looking at him. She's always, like, looking at the camera as well. She's like, camera, look. That guy was there, he was like, I'm just here to meet Martina. I want to get her autograph. I...

by the way, this are, we are seeing the seeds of the big Julia Adriana fall out because that's one thing that friendship is over now. And so it is very sad. And Adriana says that she is, has not been communicating with Julia as much because Julia has been getting closer with Alexia.

Yeah, don't Alexia and Mary so don't don't don't. So Kiki, so Kiki, Gigi. Okay, so Kiki's there and Gertie comes in and Gertie took old Hollywood to mean full skin tight lace body scoot. Just like Betty Davis.

With her vag out. I mean, it was with her vag out. And so she shows up and she's like, hello, everybody. Oh, Hollywood, am I right? What is this, like a silent movie or what? And she has no idea that she's in trouble because of a Zoom link. So she's like, oh, how are the kids? Hello, Julia and Martina. How are the kids? Are they good? Are you so happy with your kids? And Julia really took three seasons, but her flower has bloomed. She is just like this. She's like, oh, hello. Oh.

And Martina gives her a fuck-off face. She goes, mm-hmm. Gertie's like, okay, I guess my window of cancer sympathy has expired, okay? Jeez. So she's like, okay, well, I know this isn't the time or place to talk about things, but I just want to say things are good. Are things good? Are they good? Good.

Okay. So now we get one of the douchiest fucking things I've ever seen. The bartender is like, guys, welcome to meat and fucking me. Welcome to steak fucking a steak's face.

Welcome to eating a cow coming out of a cow coming out of a fucking giraffe that ate a kangaroo. We're eating them all today. So today we're doing tequila shots with bones that we slaughtered off of a cow and then cut in half so you can drink the marrow with the tequila. That is nasty murder. Get that shit out of here. And what, you're all going to share the same marrow now? What happened to the masks? What?

How did we come so far where I had to put my hand sanitizer on to get a fucking shopping cart, but now people are just swapping cow bones and sucking down on the same cow bone like it's nothing? I would have done it.

So Larsa shows up and she, so she and Lisa obviously have tension. So Lisa's like, Hey Larsa, we have stuff to talk about. And Larsa's like, we do. You never answered my text. Like, or you even, or called me. Cause I called you like, I called you X, Y, Z. Like called you this and that. I don't, I didn't, I, you know what? I think I didn't get it.

Did you not get it? Because I called you. Nope. Didn't get it, babe. You know what? Because remember we had a whole fight on text. Yeah, well then why didn't you call me after we had our fight on text? Oh, well. I'm one of your friends. You should call me. Yeah. I'm going through a national scandal. Well...

Yeah, but you know what? I didn't get it. Are you drunk? Are you drunk right now at XYZ? Yeah. Okay, whatever. Go to use the bathroom. I'm going to get a drink. No, I got to go use the bathroom. I got to go to the bathroom. I got to go to the bathroom. We got to drink like in this and that XYZ life. No, I didn't hear it. Don't call me because I'm not going to get it. I'll be in the bathroom. I don't get calls in the bathroom. Maybe I was in the bathroom when you met. So she goes to the bathroom. Okay, guys, I'm ready. I feel great.

So over on the sofa, which I'm sure will be tossed in the trash after this episode, Adriana and her man are lying on it. Come here. Give me some kisses. You better give me some kisses. Let me ask you a question.

How many times can I fuck you? Every time you ask. Oh, oh, seven times. If you want seven times, we'll do seven times. Oh, ten times. If we do ten times, there will be not enough time in the day for ten times of sex. And then they start playing French accordion music. Which is not what you want to associate with sex necessarily. No.

While they start dry humping and making out on the couch. It was turning, by the way, into a very scandalous Sesame Street episode. How many times do you want to have sex? Seven times? Then it'll be seven times. Eight times? Then it'll be eight. Nine times? Then it'll be nine. I was like, let's get the count out of here, please. And she's like, well, you know, I really like this guy. And he just happens to be royalty, too. He's...

What is he? He's a Marquis. He's a Marquis. I love a good Marriott. I'm just waiting for it to come out that he's just like in a French cover band of Marky Mark. Good vibrations. Sweet sensations. So Jody's standing there like...

And Larza comes up to him and say, oh my God, Jodi, like, it's like your birthday. Like, wow. You know, like, happy birthday to me because, like, Lisa's a bitch. Like, she's so mean to me. You know what? She's, like, not even a good communicator. Lisa? Lisa's like, oh, gosh.

she's not. But like, I like love her. Like, she's like my best friend, like, but like, you've like been hanging out with Marcus, like, or like, have you seen like what Marcus has been saying about me? You're like, what? Oh, I haven't been following her too much. But like, hey, I like your earrings. Oh,

All right. So we go to the dressing room where Lisa is changing. She's like, yeah, I got a new dress. Yeah, this is my party. I mean, not really my party. It's Jodi's party. But, you know, you change at your weddings, right? I mean, that is not my wedding. But I'm changing, though. It's white. Is there anything on it? Stop snorting your dress, Lisa.

Jesus. So then we go back to Larsa and Jodi. Yeah, but, like, have you even, like, seen the stuff Marcus is, like, saying about me? Like, it's so, like, mean. Like, they reported it all over the news in, like, Buflaria. Like, there's so many, like, countries that it's happening in. I don't know. Walmartia, Targetia. I haven't seen anything. No, I don't know. Trader Joe's. Trader Joe's. Is it hot in here? I think I need to go into a room. It's, like, mean. Yeah.

So now the cast is sitting around and Martina and Gertie are, you know, so Gertie's like, you know what's so weird? I feel like so weird here. Like, I'm like the odd man out or something because like people aren't talking to me. And Martina's like, I have short hair now.

So basically, Martina's like, you didn't go on the Zoom. So Gordy's like, I have a very busy day. I have a Zoom that's at 1.30. And at 1.33, I have another Zoom meeting, okay? So if it does not start exactly on time, I will not get my full three minutes on the Zoom. And that's just what it's like being a professional wedding planner. I am voted number one wedding lady in everywhere, including Harper Bazaar and Vogue, Brazil. So whatever.

And if I have to come to a Zoom, I was there to go on the Zoom and then people didn't tell me about the Zoom so I had to go to a meeting. What about the Zoom? And Martina's just like, I don't know. There's something about a Zoom. I'm not discussing it. I think I'm going to go get a drink. Damn, Martina. So then we cut to Jody talking to one of his bros and he's like, the guy's like, hey, is there a shot? You want to do a shot? He's like, yeah. Let's get a shot. And you want to go to my room? There's some really good AC in my room. And they go in the room and lock the door.

Yeah, let's go get some AC in my room. Yeah. And I love the messy queen who is like, I know what they're doing. And then just stood there with like a little camera, like filming the door for 20 minutes. He's like, although he's probably like, um, guys, this camera's really heavy. Can I have some AC? Can I have some AC? Yeah.

So back to the party, Lisa and Lars sit down to have their fight again. So Lisa's like, you know what? I'm feeling really great because karma is coming around and things are looking good for everything's coming up, Lisa.

Oh, so like, what are you doing? You're like celebrating Lenny or what? No, no, I'm not celebrating Lenny. I'm celebrating the breakup of Lenny. The breakup of Lenny. I'm celebrating Lenny. It's like Lenny! Oh, well, don't forget that when life wasn't so good, things were sad, and your friends were there for you. What about your friends? And they lift you up like...

Some of us are like not really in a good place right now like and you should like check in on us like. Yeah, cuz like when you broke up with Lenny like I remember when you broke up with Lenny and then I was like why'd you break up with Lenny? He's rich. You're gonna have to get a job. And then you were like fuck off, Larissa. And I was like no working's hard, girl.

Remember? I was trying to be so supportive. Yeah, because I'm, like, trying to remove a toxic relationship from a person in my life. And, like, do you think I want you to hang out with him, like, and, like, then have him send you, like, a message of everything, like, you guys talked about, like? Like, why are you hanging out with, like, with him at Catch, like? I wasn't even hanging out with him. It's so toxic. I just went to a dinner, you know, and there was, like, an Instagram there. And you know how it is. Like, there's an Instagram. What am I going to do? Is they know the Instagram? I mean, what am I, satanic? No. So, like...

I didn't eat. I didn't eat dinner because like I don't need it really. You know, I get shots. But also like it's disgusting. Like I would never eat. I would never not eat around him either. You know what I mean? So I didn't eat, but I also did not eat around him. I'm a friend. I'm a woman of women. I'm trying to like remove this toxic person from my life. Like why can't you help me do that? Like I can't control another person. Have you seen Jody? He's a man.

You can't influence the guy whose dick you suck every night like? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. First of all, I do not suck dick every night. I'm a mother. I told you. I'm a mother. I've got five full-time jobs. When am I going to be sucking dick?

I told you it was a very bad situation for me, like. And you didn't even, you know, like, by the way, you never even told me about all of your bad situations with Lenny, like. Okay, yeah, but that was, like, different. That was a 15-year-old relationship with an 80-year-old man. You know what I mean? There were so many levels of breaking up there, you know? It was like, if I leave him, is he going to be upset? You know what I mean? There's a lot going on. You decided to have girls in your hot tub, like.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Why are we talking about my sex life? Are we going to talk about your sex life? Are we going to talk about the Smurf fucking OnlyFans butthole bleach shit that you do? What are we going to do here?

Oh my god, why is Marcus even hanging out with Jodi? It's so hard with all these cameras around. Diane Sawyer at my door. Anderson Cooper sneaking up on me and Trader Joe's, Trader Joe himself showing up. It's awful. I mean, come on. You guys broke up like four different times, let's be fair, okay? You broke up and like at least one of those times was fake. It was a fake breakup. Hey. Which time was fake?

They're all of them. I was about to say, which one wasn't? They're all of them. That was not fake. The one at the reunion? Was there one by the reunion? Right? These storylines, there's too much to keep up with on this show. Our breakups were not fake. We were actually both murdered. That was the traitors.

I'm a ghost. That wasn't even fake. That wasn't even fake. You're a fake bitch to say that. You're fake. Don't call me. You're like fake, like bitch, like. You're a bitch, like fake, like bitch, like fake. There's the door, Shannon Bedore. You need to leave. You can go. And now Mary Sol's offended.

We've literally just heard dick sucking, hot tubbing, you know, coking, everything. And finally someone gets kicked out and Mary still is like, oh, madre de Dios. We don't do, us Cubans, we don't do that. What's good for the door is good for the whore, am I right? So Lars is like, you're a horrible friend. And the only time you call me is when you need people at your fake parties. These aren't even people.

That's Mario over there. Hey, Mario, why don't you go jump on a mushroom, stupid? Hey. Bye. Mushroom Kingdom is real, okay? Jodie's having a moment with it in the bathroom. Nothing's even real here. All these people are fake. Look, I can put my hand right through this lady. Ow. Ow, you hurt my hand, you stupid bitch. Fake, stupid plastic bitch. And then it literally does cut to Jodie going, the AC in here is so good.

Please let me in. I'm really hot out here. Hello, Star would like to talk. Lisa, that was extra mean. That was extra mean. You need to apologize. That was extra mean. Hey, you don't call someone a stupid bitch in their home. You wait to do that at lunch. Monkey, I think you've had too much to drink. Oh, coming from you? Jesus Christ, are you kidding? You're like a retired liver in Burbank.

I would have expected more from you, Marisol. So now Larsa's in the bathroom. This is like, this is the most we've ever seen Larsa try to fake cry. It was wonderful. She's like, She's like a car trying to start in the winter. But her face can't move, which is so funny. She's just like, Oh.

And Kiki's like, I've seen Larsa cry before, but I've never seen her ugly cry like this. She's hitting her own face. Like, ah!

So Kiki follows. Well, she won't leave, right? Larsa won't leave. So Kiki's like, okay, listen, you can't keep running. Don't leave. So Lisa's like, Larsa, I don't want you crying, but you can't call me a bitch. Oh, yeah? You're like such a victim, bitch, like stupid, like sad bitch land. You know what? Hold on. I came up with this one like in the bathroom, like, you know where you live? You live in like Lisa-like land, like... It's called the Magic Kingdom, okay? Okay.

How come you said I had a fake breakup? That's like so mean. She's like, the first one was fake, okay? The whole world knows what you are. Now get out of my house. Oh, monkey, that's not nice. She's your friend. Don't do that. So Larza leaves and Kiki walks her out. And Kiki's like, honey, honey, be safe. Do you need me to take you to a car or something? She's like, no, I got it. She goes, but you're so pretty and you have big boobs. Are you sure?

You could get kidnapped. And that's it. And then we go back inside and Lisa's like, happy birthday to you. And then he's just like, and that brings us to the end of the Real Housewives of Miami. Thank you, Seattle. You guys are awesome. Thanks for coming out tonight. We love you guys. Bye, everyone. Take care.

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