#2898 The Valley S2E10: Sexy Unique Divorce Papers - Live from Hollywood
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The two of us have been traveling across the country with our show, which has been so fun. But I tell you, coming back home, it just feels so great to escape to a place that truly feels like my own. Yeah, really gorgeous stuff. You know, there's something about a beautiful outdoor space. It's just so satisfying. Your own backyard oasis. Wayfair's got everything you need to level up your outdoor space. Patio sets, lounge chairs, outdoor bars, hot tubs, fire pits, gazebos, and of course, string lights.

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Watch what happens. Watch what happens. Who cares what happens when there's so much that happens? Watch what happens. Watch what happens. Who cares what happens when there's so much that happens? Watch what happens. Watch what happens. Who cares?

Happy birthday so much, my rabbits. Los Angeles! Hello, Los Angeles! Oh, Los Angeles. So nice to be back in a gluten-friendly town. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you, thank you, thank you. On the closing night of the Mounting Hysteria Tour. Ha!

We've had such a great fucking time on this tour. So good. And it's so great to end it home. I will say that tonight there will be hysteria and there might be mounting. So get excited. Also, welcome to the darkest fucking show we've done. I know. I think this has to be the darkest episode we've covered since the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Holocaust episode that we did last. It's a great time.

No, this tour has been so wonderful going across the country. We've seen a lot of Bravo Leopardies along the way. We started off with Angie Kay coming to one of our shows. We had the Crappies. But I feel like I've learned so much. I feel like I've learned a lot from you, Ronnie. I've been. For instance, I've been getting a lot of questions about this shirt tonight already. And I'm proud to say this was purchased at Ross Dress for Less. Oh, no!

And furthermore, my belt is from Old Navy. Actually, I own that belt. So, yes. Thank you, Ronnie, for teaching me everything. Yes, I love that. I thought you were going to say Temu and watch you get slaughtered. You can't say that around here. It's not the right crowd for that.

Yeah, we're a different breed here. My family, my sister and my nieces are here visiting from Texas. Love you. And my niece has, like, sinus issues. So she called her doctor who is in Texas. And it's so funny the difference between us and them. Like, our doctor's like, oh, my God. You know, they'll, like, sit there, calmly talk you through it. This was literally this guy. He's like, hey.

What, you got a rash or something? What is it? Oh, sinuses. How old are you? 20. You know what you need? A break. What are you doing? Drinking every night? What, are you out there drinking? You partying? Is that what you're doing? What are you, limbo? Is that what you guys do now? What, are you twerking? What, are you twerking all night? Stop doing the shots, all right? Just relax. All right, go to bed. I want to talk to you while you're sleeping. Next time I talk...

Go to bed. Get some sleep. Was the doctor Seth Marks? We were... He really sounded like that. What are we doing here? What's your body count? You got some anal going on? What's that? You spit? You swallow? Tell me. I'm like your dad. Talk to me like you're talking to your dad. No, but we are so excited you all are here. We have... Especially because this is a hometown show for us. So...

I've got to shout out all my family and friends, including my wonderful boyfriend, Dominique, who is here tonight. We love Dominique. But it's also just great to be in a room of Bravo watchers because earlier today I was with a group of people who are all awesome and everything, and we were playing a game. And my role in the game was bone collector. That was the name of my role. So I was like, hey, everyone, I'm Shrey Whitfield. I'm the bone collector.

And everyone just stared at me silently. I was like, I'm just going to wait until later tonight. Yeah, years ago I did a performance art show here, which I know. But it's the only way I can get away with doing comedy or whatever. And so my piece was reading from Ramona Singer's autobiography. And I did it just like her. I was like, whoa, you know what? My name is Ramona Singer.

I grew up in a family and then of course I didn't read it before I got up there and it's like I came from an abusive father and I was like oh and then I'm stuck there like doing this fucking cartoon voice with this woman doing a foreword about being abused by her father laughing

You know what? That's just what happened, okay? Okay. You know what? That's it. Threw some spaghetti at my face. I said, boy, that's it, okay? At the end of the day, it doesn't even matter because I look young and Avery looks old, okay? There have been so many good Bravo stars over the years, and we've been blessed to cover so many of them and meet so many of them at shows like this. And tonight is no exception. Yay!

We got so lucky not only meeting this guy today, but we got him here on his hero edit of The Valley tonight. Yes. The number one guy of the group, please welcome Zach Wickham. Thank you. Number one guy. I can't see anything. Thank you.

Number one guy, right? Number one guy. Number one guy. Number one guy. You can take it out if you want to. Do you want to just hold it? Yeah, yeah. You know, the louder you say it, the more it hurts Jax. And we like that, so. I almost wore a number one guy in the...

But then I was like, no, we don't... No. We don't want to give his merch any... No. Well, that's true. I think the only merch any of us are thinking about are, like, a Jax's hat and a Jax's hoodie so that we can all have something comfortable to do coke in. Whatever he said, yes. Zach, so welcome to the show. What a season you're having. Not only a season, as Ronnie mentioned, the perfect Zach week on the Valley. Like, I was...

Did anyone else feel so proud? Didn't it feel like our child grew up this week? Yeah. During Pride, no less. Where's my graduation certificate? I know. I feel like I've graduated. You have. You graduated. You had a big scene where you went up against one of the biggest villains on Bravo, and you won. And he ran away crying like a little bitch.

That was my favorite part, actually, was him running away. Yeah. I will say, though, I've never understood the biggest villain on Bravo or the biggest villain thing for Jax because I've always confronted him and done this my entire life. He just was gone for the season, so I didn't have my chance. Aw. He was at an Airbnb somewhere. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Do we have proof? I was like, I don't have... I asked Brittany, do we have a receipt? And she was like, I think there was a $30,000 bill. I don't remember. Girl, Brittany doesn't even know how to check her mortgage balance. She ain't asking for receipts. I did her taxes on her house this year. So, well, it was like...

Hold on. I helped them with some paperwork or whatever when it was like after Jax dropped the ball and the ball was hidden. He's never dropped an eight ball. laughter

No, he can juggle those quite well. So how are you enjoying being on the ballot? You're now two seasons in. How is it feeling? How are you being received? What's it like? I mean, I feel like even in my normal life with people in general, I feel like I am one of those people that I'm an acquired taste. It takes people often when they meet me are like,

This isn't real. This is... What is this? I think that's how people are to tall people. Are you surprised that he's so tall? He's really tall. I didn't know he was tall. He's a tall drink of water is how tall he is. He's six foot... Ten. Handsome. How tall are you? Six foot four. Six four! Damn, Zach.

They're giving you the Mr. Jefferson edit on that because you don't look tall on there. You know what sucks is like when Jason 6'2", Luke 6'3",

So, like, most of the people that I'm... Well, then, I mean, Jesse and Danny are, like, midget. Yeah, maybe that's why they do it. So maybe... I don't know. They do the Tom Cruise evening out where they go... Well, they only let me when, like, I'm sitting down and that's the scene. And I'm like... That's so funny. Everybody comes up to me at, like, meet and greets or the bar and they're like...

You're kind of tall. Yeah, you're so tall. That's what they do with Tom Cruise. And I'm like, I'm fixing, that's the one thing I will fix next season. Everyone's going to know that I am taller than everybody else. Yes, you are. You need to exercise your tall privilege, okay? Yeah, that's some bullshit. Like, watch Mission Impossible. All those action stars are sitting down.

Also, if you have tall privilege and you can't use it, what is it there for? You know what I mean? Like, what did my mom sit in birth for 36 hours for? Exactly. By the way, I came out two feet. Two feet? Well, not out of her vagina, her stomach, because... You just jumped out. Get me away from this thing! Yep, pretty much. Gay from birth. Why do I feel like you being birthed was like, oh my god, it was ridiculous in there.

Stewie Griffin, like straight up, like Stewie Griffin vote. That was me in the womb was like, hmm. I redecorated. Yeah, for sure. 100%. So wait, one thing that people may or may not know is that you used to be the personal assistant to some celebrities. One first was Nicole Scherzinger, correct? Yep. Oh, wow. Congratulations. Seven years on and off. How was that? It was an adventure. Yeah.

No, listen. So I've known Nicole since I was a kid. Her little sister was one of my best friends growing up. And she's from Louisville, Kentucky. I know, crazy. Jennifer Lawrence, Nicole, and me. Yeah, a trio. And yeah, so like I've been- I would literally love to watch that movie. Nicole Shearsinger, Jennifer Lawrence, and Zach. I'm watching it. Trust me.

I constantly told Nicole, I'm like, can we get some cameras in here? That's why, like on Andy's radio show or whatever, she was like, Zach always talks, I'm like, number one, I don't always talk about reality TV or wanting to be on it, so let's correct that. It was, she always said, you need a reality show, and I go, I know. Yeah.

And then you also were an assistant, not an assistant, but you worked for, and I honestly, this to me, I'm more starstruck by this, and I'm also more terrified by it, but you worked for Kelly Catrone? Yeah. Former Bravo star. Oh, damn. I hope all of the people that you were assistants for work in Sunset Boulevard, because I would love to see Kelly Catrone just being like, I'm the greatest star of all. Cry outside, you stupid, stupid motherfucker. Get out of my mansion. Ha ha ha ha ha.

I'm not going to lie. Kelly is one of the greatest, most like kind and compassionate humans. I swear. I swear. I'm not even lying. I'm not. She's not paying me. I promise. Roll with it. No, but I swear she's so good. But now is she a hard ass? Is she all of those things? Absolutely. But I feel like we like really connected and we had a great report. I mean, we had a ball. We had a fun ass time. Yeah.

Yeah, but you don't cry at work. You're not like a crier at work. I'm not a crier at work. I cry out of work. Yeah, like you should. That's what Kelly Catron was trying to teach us. Do you think you would have been able to fare so well on the Valley if you had not had formative years under Kelly Catron? Because I feel like that toughens you, right?

You know what? I'm going to have to give it up to Kelly and Nicole and I'm not going to lie, LA in general for really forming me and molding me into someone who can literally withstand and hold my own in any situation. Yeah. Thank you. So everyone go work for Nicole Scherzinger and Kelly Katrone and you'll be fine. Make Jesus great again.

And then in terms of... Okay, so I have to go. No. Wait, so who are you on good terms with in your cast? Wow, that came out of nowhere. Who am I good terms with on my cast? I will say it went really silent. Like, it got real... You all really calmed down. They're waiting. I just started like... Like, I saw, like, lights with people, like, texting, and then it went down immediately. And they were like, say it, Zach. Say it.

We know what you want to say. I'll say this. We had the reunion early, as you all know, because Kristen and Nia were pregnant and now have babies. Yay! They're so beautiful. Kaya's amazing. I haven't met Nia's baby yet. Stop, stop.

She named her baby Adelaide, which I think is... Cute. That's a cute name. Cute. But I pre-told her that I'm going to call this baby Addie, and that is what I call my Adderall. So I was like... Well, it would be fitting. She is on this cast. I was like, girl, just know. Because before she was having the baby, she gave me a bunch of names, and I kept going, nope, they're going to be made fun of. Here's the nickname that I would give them if I was bullying them.

And like, I literally went down a list of like how I would bully her child when it got older with the name that she was giving it. And so she, she did change it from what I, what I bullied her out of. I'm like, what a nice name. It's like guys and dolls. You're like, it's like, so is there anyone that you're maybe are

a little bit on pause with? See, I thought I did so good skirting that question. Yeah, so you filmed the reunion early. I gave you fucking narrative. I gave you behind the scenes shit that nobody knows. I'll go with your skirt then. Okay, so you filmed the reunion early. I'll just say, I'll just say. Was it difficult having already filmed the reunion but then seeing all this shit happen? Because you guys hadn't seen all the episodes yet, right? When you filmed the reunion. No, we had seen all the episodes. Oh, okay. Okay.

We had not seen... The audience is, huh? Well...

Oh wait, am I not supposed to say that shit? Bravo, I'm sorry. No, no, it's okay. No, no, no, that's known, I think. Well, I mean, I guess it's not. No, we were, so right before the reunion, we were given the episode. We had to watch them. How can you have a reunion when you don't know what's going on? So we did see them. But what we did not see, I'm probably not supposed to be saying any of this, whatever, I don't care. We didn't see the after show.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, you shoot the after show. It all goes down in the after show. Bitch, that changes everything. Yeah, the after show is like a whole other experience. Most of the comments, I think, on all of the episodes are about the after show, the stuff going down on the after show. Yeah. Yeah. She is. Well, it's great. And it's not like, because I'm sitting, you know, now I've seen it. I'm like, oh, whatever. And like, oh, I'll watch the after show. And I'm sitting there and I'm like, wait, what?

What? No. No. No. And then I'm like, what do I do? I can't tweet that. I can't. I got to wait. I got to wait. Oh, wait. The reunion's over. Yeah. Well, if you ever need to have a nice talk about it, you guys can come do a Zoom call with us and watch it crap. That's right. Hash it out. We've been there before. I just want to say one thing before we wrap up with you is that I just want to say I do not like the way the straight men talk to you on the show. Yeah.

And I feel like Zat deserves to be treated better by those guys. I feel like they have the audacity sometimes because they're so insecure with their own selves that they project and they just kind of fall back into those high school ways.

But it's okay because it don't, like, let me put it this way. Nothing bothers me. Jesse, like, sent a message the other day, which Jesse and I are, well, okay, fine. We're cool. But he sent me a message and was like, hey, I didn't realize I said that. Like, I'm really sorry about, like, the throwing off the cliff. And I go, bitch, I laughed. And I was like, and if I had the chance, they probably cut the part where I said I would, like, have

thrown you off something. Like, it's okay. Like, that's part of whatever. But I feel like they feel, they like regress into this. Yeah. This like high school mentality. And yeah, I just don't fuck with that though. And so like, they can do whatever they want to me, but like, I'm still going to be here. Yeah. Listen, as a famous gay once said, sticks and stones may break my bones, but I will always read you. Yeah.

Now listen, before you go, I feel like we should have a little toast. Let's get some more wine out here. Do we have someone who can bring us out some booze? Yeah, I need more wine. Oh wait, we have someone here. Oh yes, young lady. Oh my god, it's Hannah from Below Deck Med. Jun Jun Hannah. Jun Jun Hannah. Everyone give it up for Hannah, one of our favorite chiefs of all time. Hi. Hi.

Thanks for keeping me entertained while I'm home with the baby. I'm going to get in so much trouble for this interview, y'all. What a great crowd. Well, Anna, it's so good to have you here. I love you. All right. Well, let's... I love you. It's always so good seeing you. I saw that you were at dinner with Captain Sandy, you and Aisha. How was that? It was very good. And Nadine, our amazing showrunner. It was good. It was good.

Yeah. You and Sandy getting along these days? We are. We are. I think we've both chilled out a little bit. That's good. So is there any chance you'll end up back? I don't think so. I don't think I could sleep in those little bunks anymore. I've got like a California king at home. What about traders? Would you do traders? I could do traders. Yeah. With me? Yeah. Let's do it together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we'll be the traders and just kill everyone. And no one will know we have an alliance except watch what crap ends. Yeah.

Just the few hundred people that are here. You can just pour it in now. Alright everyone. Cheers to an amazing tour. Thank you both for coming on. Thank you. Love you. Love you. Cheers. Thank you and cheers everyone. Thank you both for coming. Zach and Hannah. Also fuck Jax. I just had to say it. Fuck Jax.

Thank you so much. I'm going to give this to you to bring backstage. Just bring it backstage. Oh, I was like, you want me to continue? Thank you so much, everyone. Yeah, that's very grassy. Thank you. Oh, here, you want me to hand it down? Wow. All right, yeah, actually, that was a great idea, and Hannah stole my opening line. I would love to just start this recap out by saying, fuck Jacks. One, two, three. Fuck Jacks.

Thank you. You can never say it too much. I feel so much better saying that with a whole group of people. Oh my god. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappin's commercial.

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So yeah, sometimes it pays to be a little nosy, but it always pays to Discover. Based on the February 2024 Nielsen Report, learn more at discover.com slash credit card. Well, first of all, to all the husbands, thank you so much for being here. Yep, yep. You do not have to stay. If you need to go watch your balls being thrown, feel free to go into that back bar.

But thank you for being here and being such supportive husbands because we know you all are. We've met you. And they're like, my husband will watch it with me. And I'm like, God bless you. I'll give you a child. That was such an exciting way to start for us. And what I love is that now we get to recap one of the best episodes of the year. Yes. It's going to be a fun one. This is going to be long. So if you need to pee, feel free to go pee. Just don't talk in each other's ears. Okay, are you ready? Let's do it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Watermelon bicycle. Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather. Previously on The Valley. It's me, Sheena Shea. I spent three million dollars to move to The Valley and get to be on the show. No? You don't want me? No? Anyways, guys, I finally did it. I left Jezzy. Oh, that's cool, Michelle. That's really cool. That's awesome. Guys!

I did it! I finally left Giants! Yes, queen! Yes, finally! Someone finally gets divorced around here. Oh my god, yes! Best divorcing person ever. Kirk Hall! Kirk Hall! Mariposa! Okay, you know what? You know, so I threw a coffee table and broke a few walls. I mean, why should I have to go to rehab? I mean, you're ruining my life. You need your system. Suck your piss! You're a cocaine addict!

There, I said it. You're a coke addict. But I'm only a coke addict on the weekends. It doesn't count. Get out! Hey guys, it's me. It's Jax. I'm in a mental health facility right now because I want to be a better person. It's just like, oh, like, by the way, you should come down and see my bar. We can take some shots, talk about mental health. I'm a good person now. I just got a text from Jax.

Listen here you clown fuzz minotaur. I've been in rehab for 10 minutes after throwing furniture at you and you can't even visit me or bring me coke? What the fuck kind of wife are you? Hey! That's not nice! I'm taking Mamaw's beer cheese out of your bar! Um, Danny? You got drunk at a bar, grabbed my ass, made me call you daddy, and then tried to take a big bite out of my throat while screeching like a walking dead zombie? Yeah, I did. You like that?

No, no, that was disgusting. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't remember a thing. Three under three. I got three under three, baby. Guys, it's me, neighbor and friend, Sheena Sherry. It's Sheena's famous enchilada night. You want to shoot a scene about... Hey, guys. To celebrate Michelle cheating on an innocent man and ruining his life, I'm inviting you all to stay in a house in Santa Barbara.

Ah, cool. Does she know about you calling her a whore in the guy's chat? Whoops. How dare you. I am the mother of your child. Women, right? Johnette, let's celebrate being in Santa Barbara by calling a truce.

I'm completely over it, Zach. I'm just glad you could apologize for saying that you wanted to murder my unborn child. Um, no, I didn't say that. And then tying me up and putting me in the trunk of your car. I did not say that. And then digging a hole in your backyard and trying to bury me alive. Um, that's too far. I don't have upper body strength for digging. Just say you're sorry, Zach.

Okay, sorry. Thank you. I taped this so I can play it to my child, who is still very uncomfortable. Jesus Christ. Guys, I have to tell you something really, really dark about Dark Side Danny. I was in the closet looking for stuff to make casseroles, and Dark Side Danny came in and took a secret Dark Side Danny chug of Dark Side Danny tequila.

And Dark Side Danny made me very, very dark side... Hold on, wait for it. Uncomfortable. Oh, no. Oh, no. By the way, is anybody called Jax? I really miss that guy. What a good person. We need to get him back here. Hey, guys. Here I am in rehab. Ooh.

Thinking about all the things I've done wrong and like, ugh. I just, I could list them all here, but I forgot what they were. And if I did them, it's only because Britney made me do them. Anyway, I'm just so grateful. I mean, just that I'm a changed man now. Yo! Jax is texting me! You dumb hooker.

I've got cameras in the Santa Barbara house and I can see everything your stupid face is doing. Don't even go to bed tonight because you know what? I'm under the bed. I'm under the bed. I'm eating your foot right now. You taste like a chicken wing. You know, Janet, I really miss that guy. I'm going to call Jax. Yeah. Zach, Janet's telling everyone your husband is an alcoholic.

That's not very nice. Oh yeah? She wants to mess with my best friend? Well, her husband doesn't wear his wedding ring when he does the dishes at night. Guys. Guys. Jax comes out of rehab tomorrow, so let's change the name of Jax's for a night to Brit's so she can know what it's like to run a sad, run-down, makeshift bar in a parking lot tent for a day. Y'all are so sweet. You were the best friends a girl could ever have. Bloop.

Oh God, I just got another text message from Jax. I just had to check into a hospital with high blood pressure, hypertension, rickets, restless leg syndrome, alopecia, halitosis, blephoplasty, and SIDS. Now will someone please shoot a scene with me? Oh, this is from Cena. This is just from Cena. Corner!

And scene. Now you're all caught up. So it's the return of Jax. The home goods finally made Jax get off of whatever couch he's been sleeping on for three weeks. Does anybody believe Jax was in rehab? I'm loving this audience tonight. I really feel like we're at a town hall talking about whether or not to build a highway through town.

What do we want? Fields. What do we not want? Highways. It's great. Keep it up. So we start with Brittany, and she's playing with Cruz, and they're playing with an alphabet puzzle. And I was like, who's learning?

I like when we can both learn together. We can just learn together. Bless her heart. Hey, JX is coming out of the facility today and I'm extremely nervous about it. Okay. And I've had to do a little bit of peace knowing that he was in there and I was safe. But now, now I'm not safe. So then we get Jesse picking up Jax from rehab and it's a Denny's. It's just a Denny's.

So Jax gets in and Jesse's like, wow, man, I'm like so proud of you. Like, just listen from one emotionally abusive narcissist to another. Good for you. I mean, what have you been in that hoodie for 30 days? Have you ever changed out of that hoodie? Thanks, bro. I just got my 30 day token. That's a piece of Joe Bazooka gum, but we'll accept it. Okay, good. You snorted your token.

He's like, yeah, I did it. I mean, you know, I didn't think I was going to be able to do it. But then when I remembered I wasn't actually in rehab, I was able to do it. So it's great. Jesse actually tells him, oh, your 30-day chip? Wow, you better keep that on you at all times. Oh, he will. Trust me. He will wield that at any chance. How could you be mean to me? 30 days. Yeah.

Listen, I got a lot of feelings because I know I'm walking into a shit storm, but it's all about how I handle it. My anger has just been such an issue all my life, but it's all about how you handle the anger. Not a problem at all for me. I went to rehab. Totally fine. He's like, you know what? I really like rehab because I felt safe in there. I felt safe. No one could hurt me in rehab. I mean, I could hurt them, but...

There's only so many nurses, you know? I got kind of bored. Looking great, Jax. He literally says, I just don't want to go back to my old ways because it's very easy to slip. And then it cuts him directly going to like, man, I on back some serious shit, some serious, serious stuff, stuff I'll take to the grave with my mother. And guess what? Who visited me? No one. Yeah.

I mean, I'm crying nonstop there. It was just one thing after another. I mean, this right up there with my father's death, everything in life is tough. For a moment, you might think he's being, like, introspective, except this is a script that he then uses for the rest of the episode. And also, just for those of you without any kind of addiction problems, first of all, you must be fun at parties. Remind me who not to sit next to tonight. But the other thing is, you don't get visitors in rehab.

Yeah, that's what was weird to me. Has anybody considered that? I haven't seen that at all. Like, how is it even normal that you're asking for visitors in rehab? I was like, I was wondering about that. I was like, I haven't been to rehab, but I thought you just get isolated from the world. And anyway, it's Jack's rehab, so who knows? Yeah, I mean, I'm poor, so, you know, my help has always been like Salvation Army style, but still.

Okay, that got dark. Welcome. Welcome to the next five hours of your life. I know. So Jax is somehow he's managing to blame other people for this right away. He's like, you know what? I was just never held accountable for my actions.

Yeah. That's it. Nobody ever held me accountable. I'm so glad you guys have to do it, because certainly nobody else in my life is going to do it. Jesus Christ, count on a fucking woman to do it. That's for fucking sure. Let me tell you something, bro-han. The days of no one taking you accountable are over. Okay, can we start with your blush? Yes.

I mean, if you're Jax's true friend and you're going to hold his ass accountable, be like, are we contouring now? What the fuck are you, Lego man? Stop. What are you doing? You're making yourself look like more of a meth head. Listen, no, no, no, no, no. The accountability starts today and no one's going to hold you more accountable than me. So if you want to complain about Britney right now, I will not say a word. Continue.

So Jax, of course, is like, I'm not making excuses. I'm not making excuses, man. I'm not making excuses. It's just like, what the fuck? Why is everybody making me do drugs all the time? It's like fucking crazy.

So Jesse's like, look, no one's giving you a break. Everyone understands what's going on, but everyone's also hurting. He's like, nobody's hurting. They're all partying. If you're all hurting, they would have come to visit me. You know who came to visit me? Not one fucking person. Not even my wife of 10 years. Not even my wife. And to top it off, I found out that she had a party at my bar last night, and she called it

I mean, the night before I get out of rehab. Now, admittedly, if this had been Countess Luanne saying this, it would be hilarious. Could you believe it? They had a party in my cabaret the night after I got out of rehab. Can you even believe it? And not a single person visited me. Literally anybody else saying it would have been funny. You know what? I mean, how could you do that to me?

I spend a few days in rehab and then I find out that they're having a party at my bar and calling it Brits. I don't even know who that is. Who's that person? When did I get a bar? What's going on? So you're just going to have a party at my bar while I'm in rehab? That's what you're going to do? You're just going to call it Brits instead of Bethany's? Okay, that's a cheetah brand right there. That's a cheetah bar. Cheetah bar. Cheetah bar. Cheetah bar. You're a slut. You're a slut. Stupid cheetah bar. Go back to rehab. You're a stupid person. Oh, wait. Wait, by the way.

This chicken salad is good. Hold on, the pita cheese. Let's taste the pita cheese. Let's give you some more. That's good.

So Jax is doing his haul. You know, it's tough. I mean, it's not easy, you know? You try to do the right thing. You know me, Jax, the guy who tries to do the right thing constantly. Always. You try to be a good father. I mean, I told my kid, like, you want to learn what it's like to be a man? Good, I'm kicking you out of the house at three years old. What's your name again? Learning how to use fucking Airbnb, you little douchebag.

So he comes to the house and he looks and he sees all his stuff in trash bags, which I mean, I'm still laughing. Yes, yes. I'm still laughing at Kristen putting one shoe in one trash bag and one in the other. It was just so perfect. So he's going through seeing this. He's like, I'm not going to, you know what? Like she can't keep everything in here. Like I got brand new everything, you know, like I'm not going to take her dishes. I'm not going to take her cups.

Wow, fucking generous, Jax. Thanks, Jax. I'm even going to give her my fucking $20,000 lovesack couch. Was anybody else surprised that he has a lovesack couch? I'm sorry. I've been into that store. Those couches are very comfortable. And for $20,000, they better come with a team of whores on them to please me. $20,000. $20,000.

So Jax is like, you know what? Like, I look, I'm doing this all for my son. Okay. I'm not taking anything from this home. I'm going to do it for my son. As soon as I get my haircut, as soon as I get my Botox, as soon as I go tape an episode of watch what happens live, I'm doing it for my son. What's his name again?

You know, I read on Reddit, because you know I ain't watching that shit, but when he was on Watch What Happens Live, they apparently brought up his going to get a haircut and stuff. And he's like, what? I was trying to look good for my son. What is this? Is this like She's All That as Jackson had come down a staircase to like, kiss me.

He was ridiculous on Watch What Happens Live. I watch it, and this is every... Just ask a question, Ronnie. Just ask me any question. All right. She's got boobs, and he loves lube. It's Jax. Okay, Jax.

What do you think about algebra? What do you think about it? You know what? Like algebra, like, you know, I'm trying, like, you know, it's hard with all those letters, but it's my control issues and I'm working on numbers and it's just like, I apologize. I was a crazy person during algebra, but like now I'm totally down with X's and Y's. It's great. Yeah. I'm totally different. Yeah.

Everything was that. Every single thing. I saw clips of them every time they asked a question to America. It's like, America, who do you hate the most? You know, Hitler or, you know, Jax. It's like 100% Jax. Fuck Jax. You know, there's a lot going on in the country right now. But it was one moment where I think I could watch TV and say, I'm proud of us. Yeah.

America did two things. Like, there were two things that brought America together this week. There was us voting on those polls, and there was us voting to recouple Jeremiah with Iris. Good job, America. We still have it in us. So Jax is going on a rant. Jax is still going on a rant. So he's like, he's doing this all for the child. And then he says, I mean, no woman needs a five-bedroom house.

I mean, you are a woman with a child. You should be living in a cave with some dust on the floor and be happy about it.

And Jesse's like, okay, well, you know, like she did mention the mortgage thing. And he's like, oh, yeah, paid it off. Yeah, paid it off. Paid it off. You did not fucking pay it off. Well, he says he paid off the mortgage. And then Jesse's like, well, I heard you didn't. He goes, oh, well, I stopped paying it off. You know, when I found out about Julian, because I stopped paying our bills, I was like, great. I hope the house goes into foreclosure. What sort of revenge plan is that?

It's your house. I'm going to fuck up my entire life. You're going to cheat on me? Well, guess what? I'm going to make sure I lose my house. So just let me keep the golf cart because, you know, he's going to still be in that golf. He'll be homeless. He doesn't care. He'll still be in that golf cart taking TikToks of himself. Like, this is a good day not to have a house. All right.

So Jesse's like, do you know about my party tomorrow? And he's like, am I invited? Because I better be fucking invited because you're my friend. You're nobody else's friend. You're my friend. So I'm coming to the house. I don't give a fuck. He's like, it's for like Benji's deportation. We're trying to find something to rhyme with deportation. So I'm not really sure that you're the best fit for this party.

Awkward week for this party, I'm going to say. So he's like, oh, there's a party? Well, I'm going to go. He's like, well, it's Zach's party. He's like, well, I'm going to go. I thought it was rich that Jax wanted to crash this party when he is the one who loves to disinvite and block people from his parties. And now he's just going to walk in like it's his own shit. I was like, no, sir, you will not be doing that. Blocked by Frank Drevin. LAUGHTER

So he's like, yeah, you know, I just got a rehab. So I want to go. I deserve to go to a fucking party with alcohol and drugs. I know whoever was running that rehab was so proud when he said that. Oh, man, I can't wait to go out to a party now that I've been on rehab for 30 days. They're like, our work here is dumb. Here comes one right now.

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The spotlight is harsher. The stakes are higher. And for Diddy, there may be no second chances. You can listen to the rise and fall of Diddy, the federal trial, exclusively with Wondery Plus. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app, Spotify, or Apple Podcasts right now. So now we get Zach in the car calling Jasmine and he's like, Oh my God, Jasmine, you're not going to believe what's happening to me right now.

I'm driving to the airport for Bungie. I would only do that because I'm a good... It shows you what a good boyfriend I am. Remember when you picked me up at the airport three episodes ago? Let's show... Roll the clip. Roll the clip. This scene was painful for me only because I just watched him going down La Cienega Boulevard and like...

Went one inch over the course of the entire scene. I was like, we've all been there. We've all been there. Girl, my sister was like, I'm going to come see your last show. I'm looking for, there's no nonstop flight. I think this one has three stops. Do we have to go to Burbank? I'm like, you're not my sister unless you come to Burbank. I don't care if you take a fucking bus from Austin. I will not be driving to LAX. It hurts. It hurts.

So then we go over to Aaron's house. Aaron is the honey maven. Maven, okay. Who Michelle met at Runyon Canyon. Aaron. This is Aaron. He looks like a gay guy that someone's throwing a ball to. He's like... Aaron and Isabella's relationship is incredible. I never dreamt of anything like this. He wakes up and they go outside.

And then they come back inside. It's beautiful. That was kind of odd, the things that they do. She's like, yeah, they get up together and then they go into the yard and they walk on the grass and they look at the flowers. It is everything I have ever wanted. Go shopping, you know? It's like your stepdaughter. Go do something. Here's grass. Aaron's like, is it weird that I would live here with Isabella? She's like, no. No, Isabella's my other girlfriend. Oh, okay.

My name is Jenna. Jenna's still trying. She's like trying to climb over the fence. Oh, God. Jenna showed up again this episode. They even gave her her name. I was like, oh, Jenna's going to do it. She's going to do her big one. No, it didn't happen. She keeps trying. It's like an audition, but she never quite makes it, you know? She's always like getting kicked off of Hollywood Week. And then they're like, it's Hollywood Week again. It's already been Hollywood Week 10 times. Get rid of Jenna. I can't take anymore.

Jenna, someone wrote in a comment that Jenna was the one who cheated with, he cheated, wait, James cheated on Kristen with Jenna? Oh, jeez. So Jenna's been working for a long time. Damn.

You did all that work and were left out of all the Scandival press? That's just hard. Give Jenna something. That's hard. Throw her a bone. Throw her a bone. Yeah. So Michelle starts talking about how, you know, we know her mom is dying and stuff. And she's saying that Jesse won't even let Isabella go see the mother while she's dying. What the fuck? Who does that?

It's just amazing how many different ways the guys could be terrible on this show. Yeah. Jesse is really skating by having Jax on this show. Yeah. Because this happened and everyone's like, whatever. Fuck you, Jax. No, let's... We can run over multiple people. Just make the bus big enough. Make it big enough. So then we go over to the smokehouse, speaking of Burbank. Woo, smokehouse. Woo!

By the way, I did go to the Valley today. I just want everyone to know. I know people... You went? I went to the Valley today. Oh, well, congratulations, Ben. Wow, stepping down. I wanted to get ready for the show. I was like, let's see what it feels like here in the Valley in the sun, where it's 50 degrees hotter. Six degrees hotter, yeah. Yeah. So, of course, their restaurant is called The Smokehouse. They cannot stop doing drugs even to go eat. Like, Jesus Christ. Yeah.

So Jason and Danny get there first because this is the welcome back Jax dinner. And Jason's like, hey, bro, I just want to say, Danny, I got your text, but we're not good right now. But tonight's about Jax, so we can pretend to be good, but we're not good. Oh, no, the talkers are mad. Oh, wait, I got a text. Janet says you also are not getting any casserole. Sorry.

So Jason is like, yeah, at Brit's bar, Dark Side Danny was drunk again. Drunk, drunk, drunk. A person on the valley was drunk, drunk. Get all those people from the house, because a person from the valley was drunk, drunk. Get him, he's drunk. Shut the fuck up. You're all fucking alcoholics and drug addicts. I don't want to hear it from you. You have to have at least been drunk once. You married Janice.

So, more of the guys show up. Jack shows up and they give him a round of applause like he just came back from war. They're like, he's changed so much. Hi, guys. I'm like the best I've ever been in my life. It was just so fucking amazing. I just came out and I felt this weight lifted off my shoulder. Yeah, I'm still in the same hoodie and hat. I don't know if anybody's noticed. But, yeah, you know, I was spiraling, guys. I was spiraling. It was so bad. I was just such a bad person. God, it's good to be a good person again.

God, Danny, have you always been this fucking short, you fucking alcoholic? What the fuck is wrong with you, loser? All right, guys, guys, I learned something, okay? I learned that drinking and drugs are not the problem, okay, at Deep Rooted Issues. That's my way of saying I'm still going to drink and do drugs. I'm not drinking at dinner now, but I drank a lot before I got here.

I want you guys to hold me accountable, and by hold me accountable, I want you to say nothing, and let's just have some steak. Am I right, bros? Yeah, I'm not going to sit here and tell you I'm not going to drink. I'm just not going to get shit-faced, you know what I mean? But, like, I'm not going to stop drinking. Like, why would I do that? Like, it's crazy. You know what happens if you don't drink and you do coke? You feel like you're having a fucking heart attack, right? Yeah.

So then this guy, Dave, who is Jax's business partner. Good luck, Dave. This fucking guy. Dave. Okay. He's like, wait a second, everyone. My name's Dave and I've got something to say. Jax went away for 30 days and you guys hijacked the bar. Okay. We got to talk about what happened last night. We have to talk about it.

Oh, I'm sorry, Dave. Were you the person who filled in a parking lot, put up a tent, and let Jack sell some beer there? Wow. Have we hurt you, Dave? Shut the fuck up, Dave.

You're too old for this crew, Dave. Nobody gonna fuck you just because you're standing by the coke head, okay? Go try and get laid like everybody else. Wear some risers and pretend you're a producer of something. I mean, he certainly had no problem accepting the cash for those drinks. So Danny's like, well, I didn't hijack his bar. And Jack says, well, you may not have hijacked my bar, but you partaked. Tell me you've been with Brittany too long. What?

I mean, why would you do this? Why would you do this the day before I came out? The day before someone comes out of a fucking mental health facility, that's what you fucking do? You came out of a mental health facility after fucking throwing a coffee table at somebody while your child was in the house, while you were in a... You don't get a fucking Nobel Peace Prize for being put away, you ape. What is he talking about? I love this. Like, how could you do this? Me, the victim. Ugh!

So then Jax is like, oh, so wow, tell me about Santa Barbara because I heard Danny, whoa, I heard you were black and now you are crazy, man. Oh, you're a bad drinker. You're a bad, bad drinker. You've got to take care of that. You're Darkseid Danny. You've got to take care of that drinking. But by the way, guys, drinking and drugs is not the cause of anything. Yeah. And Jason actually starts this because Jason's like, yeah, Santa Barbara was really fucking great with Darkseid Danny. Yeah.

And Danny's like, what? What are we talking about? What did I even do? Danny went up after drinking and was like, Janet, why are you so mean? She's like, how dare you? I am so attacked. Call the police. The police. I am being screamed at. Hashtag me too. Hashtag me too. Janet.

By the way, I'm so sorry for the side of the stage. I can fit in a size large when I'm standing now, but not when I'm sitting. So my whole bottom of my hairy ass is hanging out there, and there's nothing else I can do. I'm so sorry. You guys are union. You can take it. But you guys, I'm so sorry. So Jesse's like, guess what, guys? We don't call him Dark Side Danny anymore. And Jason goes, I'll do it.

Jesse goes, no, we call him Pantry Danny. And Jason's like, no, I still call him Dark Side Danny. I was like, wow, a real battle of the burns here. Docker's coming through with a burner. So Danny's like, I wasn't even close to blacked out. I don't know what you were talking about. I knew exactly what I was doing when I was confronting Janet about being a horrible fucking Karen. I don't know what you want me to say about it.

And Jason's like, you're in such denial. It's insane, dude. Do you know how long Janet had to sit in our mini ball pit and apologize to our traumatized child? She was so upset, she hit her head three times on our low-hanging hood in the kitchen. She put an extra egg in the casserole. It was so stiff. So Jax is like, well, you know, maybe drinking is the problem for you, you know? I mean, for me, my issue is anger.

I think it's a little bit more than that. So Danny's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Things are getting blown out of proportion. I'm not an alcoholic or anything. Five more shots, please, under the table. Thank you very much. Yeah, so now they all start jumping on Danny for being an alcoholic while they're sitting with Jax. Yeah. And Jesse, frankly. I mean, Jesse's eyes are always like dimes. Not a one of you doesn't do this shit. Janet, you know Janet's a wasted fucking mess off of this show. You know she is.

I would have asked Zach if I knew we weren't going to get in trouble. I like that Jesse comes with his own cup holder in his hair. That little hair dent, just put a cup right in there, and he's good to go. So now they're all, and especially Jax, and Jax loves this. He's like, yeah, you know, sounds like you have a problem. Maybe you need to get some rehab, bro. Maybe it's you. Maybe you have some anger issues. Right? Right? Right, guys? Right? Right?

And then Jax, of course, tells us. He's like, yeah, I'm just happy it's not just me. This is fucking great. Sorry, Danny. So now it's time to go over to Jesse's house for Bungie's welcome party. Bungie! Welcome home, Bungie! And most importantly, we get to see a prolonged shot of Chris and Dodie trying to figure out doorknobs. Oh, I always get this wrong. Oh, wait, hold on. I figured it out. Oh, no.

Seriously? Wait, hold on. Uh. Uh. Uh. Door doesn't work. It's a wall. Kristen, it looks like an action scene every time Kristen's in. She's just standing there at the door, but it looks like she's riding up on a horse. She's like. It looks like she got stuck in a hurricane. She's holding on to the knobs for dear life. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

And then we see, by the way, as everyone comes to the party, every single other person uses the correct knob and just walks in. But she's like, how do I do that? No, they can't do it either because it's one of those houses. It's very typical here, like an old Spanish where they're like, we want to keep the Spanish doors, but the knobs don't work. Just put another knob.

So there's one knob and then there's some newfangled thing no one knows how to open. And you know it's one of those where you probably have to like lift an inside handle and then turn it clockwise and turn it to the other way for it to fucking lock. They confuse us on purpose. I'm standing up for everyone confused by doors. It needed to be said. So people are arriving, people are doing shots, it's fun times. Uh-oh, uh-oh, warning. Uh-oh. Janet is very uncomfortable.

Jana's like, it is so uncomfortable with Danny and Nia. My child has trauma. So she's like, I'm trying to like, you know, just be like, okay, all right, they're here. We're here. They're here. I cannot wait to tell them off through Jason's voice.

So Brittany is talking to us and she's saying she's nervous that Jax might show up, but she's like, but I'm pretty sure he's not coming. And she's telling us that Jax, since he got out of rehab, has not reached out at all about seeing Cruz. And we see a montage of Jax getting a haircut, Jax getting Botox, Jax going out to the smokehouse. Jax at a meeting with Ulta with whoever did those cheekbones, because my God. It's like a Norman Rockwell painting.

So Zach's like, oh my God. Okay, so they put up this sign that says, Benji, deported, not departed. Did Watch What Happens Live write this sign? Where did this sign come from?

So they're like, oh my God, it's a surprise party for Benji. Let's put it right at the front door when Benji walks in, you know? I know. So Zach's like, Benji, come up the stairs. Don't even try the doorknobs. You'll immediately go home. I'm telling you right now, you do not want to fuck with that doorknob. Okay. He's like, here it comes, the big surprise. Okay, these people are idiots. What am I doing on this show? Yeah.

So, Janet and Nia. Nia pulls Janet to have a conversation after everyone meets Benji and everything. I would really like to have clarity with you about what you're saying about Daniel because I don't really understand. Okay. I just, okay. I want to be like really real with you.

This makes me uncomfortable. She's like a fish on the hook sometimes. Did you guys know that she was Raquel Rachel's beauty pageant trainer? Girl, it makes sense, doesn't it? How could you do this to me? You really hurt my...

Okay, I want to be really real with you, Nia. I did speak negatively about Daniel behind his back because I thought his actions were horrible. And look, I'm sorry that this happened. Horrible. Yes, horrible. How could you say that word? But at the same time, if your husband is going to a bar and he's attached a keg to his back and is just chugging the entire time, that's unacceptable. Horrible. She's like, yeah. And he got blacked out and he made a fool and made women uncomfortable.

And it's going to get talked about. And, you know, if it's still concerning you, then maybe you should worry about drug addiction and alcoholism because I'm very uncomfortable right now. Janet's like, you're always trying to sweep things under the rug. I'm like, we've seen their apartment. There's no room left to sweep things under that rug. Girl, there is no sweeping.

At this point, you just hope the baby crawls off the couch on accident, then you drag it by the onesie and kind of drag it across the floor a little bit and get a little spot cleaned up at a time. Just aim the baby spew at a spot that it could possibly clean up with a three under three.

So they don't get anywhere with this discussion. So everyone retreats to their corners. So Nia's talking to Danny and saying it's not great. And then Janet's like, you know what, Jason? I talked to her. I was like, you know what? Your husband's a drunk out here sexually assaulting women. I was like, whoa. Okay. Listen, no one's going to stand up for Danny going and getting wasted and saying, call me daddy and grabbing asses. Okay? No. But sexually assaulting women. Janet, come back. Come back to the five and dime, Janet. Okay.

Hick, Janet Hick. But I like that Nia stood up for herself in this. She was like, wait a minute, you better watch out for the way you talk to me. I'm very upset. I'm going to flick through my phone angrily. She's like, Daniel, I see you've got a crumb on your face. You better get that fucking crumb on your face. You're making me look like an idiot on TV.

I feel like every time Nia gets mad, she just goes on to the Food Network website and looks at recipes. She's so mad. She's like, hmm, bread pudding, roast turkey. Gianna can do so much with just, like, a grilled salmon. I feel like Nia's the person who gets the Air Fryer magazine at the newsstand. You know what I'm talking about? You're like, what is... You know that we've read that Air Fryer magazine. We've talked about it. I bought that Air Fryer magazine, and that's not even a lie. Um...

So, um, yeah, so Janet's just tattletaling to Jason and Jason's like, I'm gonna tell on her. Is the crease in my pants straight? Uh, so Janet's like, yeah, Nia knows that Danny has a problem. And you know, she's always pulling him out of everything until he gets to that point. Well, I mean, I don't know if she's in denial or hiding the truth, but he's a different guy when he drinks. Everyone's a different guy when they drink, Janet. Janet.

This is the only one who drinks and becomes man enough to tell you to shut the fuck up. This is the first person on this show that I'm like, this guy needs to drink more. So outside, Jax shows up. So here he comes. And the doors try their best to keep him out. The door is like, he cannot open those doors.

He did not, unfortunately, he did not partake in the tutorial on how to open those doors. But he comes in and everyone's like, oh my God, it's Jax, it's Jax, oh my God, it's Jax, oh my God. Jax is just like, whatever, where's your water? I mean, where's your, like, something without alcohol? And like, there's vodka here? Like, where's that?

So he starts doing his script with Kristen. He's like, you know what, Kristen? You know, I did a little self-care. I went and got my hair cut, got a little Botox, you know, did stuff like that. You know, like therapy. I'm doing a lot of therapy. It brought up a lot of stuff about my dad, my life, stuff I thought I was going to take to the grave. You know what I'm saying? Is that slut fucking bitch here, my wife? No? Anyway. Okay, um, you can, like, look me in the eye. Can anyone look Kristen in the eye? Seriously? It's like a moving target.

Look me in the eye, how dare you? It's like when they pull you over and they're like, follow this light. So Jax is doing this whole thing like, look, I just want to get my hair cut because I want to be healthy for Tom Cruise. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. He's like, yeah, I have anger issues. Like severe, severe. You know what my new drug is? Anger and sobriety. I love doing sobriety. Did you see his poster? He's like, guys, my new form of drug now, sobriety. Oh, God.

So then Nia starts asking Jesse how everything's going. And she's like, look, Michelle, I was talking to Michelle and she was really sad that you're not letting Isabella see her mom for a week. So Jesse does this whole thing like, well, of course I want Isabella to see Michelle's mom. It's just that she doesn't know about death. So we have to sit her down and teach her about death first.

No, you don't. No, you don't. Bring her to grandma's and be like, grandma's under the weather and let them have a fun time. Grandma's dying. You're done. Okay, look. If you need more sensitive help than that, just say, oh my God, you wanted Monopoly. Here's a goldfish. Your goldfish died. Now it's in heaven. Here's what you do. You give Isabella some ayahuasca. Let her go on a journey with Scott, your life counselor. She'll be fine.

No kid learns how to deal with death until somebody dies. And kids aren't even like, oh my God, they're dead. They're just like, grandma's dead? Ew, what does that mean? She smells. Like, I know, be quiet. Stop saying stuff like, does she still have candy for, no, stop saying that at the funeral.

Do we get her stuff? Shut up! Jesse starts doing the, I had no idea how sick her mom is. And he starts trying, he's like trying to make his eyes cry. And he's trying to do that sniffle thing. Like, this is a lot for me. I mean...

You know, what if I want her to meet the girl from Orange County's mom? What about then? It's like, no, Jesse. Yeah, he just wants to be able to sit down. But he's also like trying to, what, get time with Michelle so they can sit down together and tell, no, you're done now, okay? She needs to just tell that kid, listen, grandma is like your dad is to me. Dead. So... Now get in the fucking car and go put that purse back. She's dead. That's still not yours. Put it back. Pfft.

So then Jax is alone in the kitchen with Scott, the life coach. And Scott's like, here we go. The white whale. I got this one. So Scott leans forward. All I need to see is that guy, Scott, in a mask and fatigues and sneakers walking into a fucking Mexican food restaurant kitchen. Because I recognize his... I feel like Scott looks like someone who'd be in the background of one of Louie's videos on Instagram. Hey, guys.

I learned a lot on this mail with Tree. Teresa, I love you. I love you so much, Teresa. Tree. Come on, say it stronger. Say it louder. Hey, be a man's man. Say what you feel. Say what you feel. Tree, I want more of your dad's pajamas. Really? Make it real? I don't fucking believe you. I don't want to wear anything but no-nose pajamas for the rest of my life. I want to eat in them. I want to sleep in them. I want to jerk off in them. Give me every pajama.

I just came. That was good. That's a cut. Thanks, Scott. Thanks, Scott. Thanks, Scott. That was one of the all-time best Bravo moments of all time. So Scott's trying to do therapy, his life coach therapy, and Jax is like, well, you know what? I'm a good man, okay? You know, I just did a little 30-day stint in a mental health facility, and I was like, wow, spiraling so bad, like real bad, you know? And then Brittany walks in, and she's like, oh, fuck.

Yeah, because Brittany, who's trying to be subtle, says, uh-oh, there's five cameras there in Jack's. Okay, whoops, excuse me. So no one really wants to be around Jack, so he's sort of there alone. And then what we don't realize is about to happen is the main event because Zach walks into the kitchen. And you know Zach's up to no good because he's twirling his drink like this. He literally stirs the pot.

Very literal. Nicole taught me this. So Zach's like, hey, how you doing? And Zach's just like, how are you? Yeah, nice little shindig you got for your boyfriend. You know, that's good. He's like, yeah, everything with bungee's going great. Thank you. And if I'm being honest, I'm proud of you for going to that luxury whatever you just did. Like, you just did it. That was something. So I'm proud of you. I'm proud. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, you know, I feel pretty good about it. I went after some stuff that I told myself I was going to take to the grave. I was in therapy for seven hours a day, 30 days straight, you know. But then between those seven hours of you doing that, then you were doing like the, you know, like, you know, that stuff. Did you listen to the doctors? Yeah.

Yeah, of course I did. I mean, I was writing, I was journaling. Well, not so much journaling, just sort of jerking off to porn, but you know, journaling. Yeah, yeah. So was that journaling? Was that like the text messages to Brit? Was that just like morning pages? Like, get it all off your chest? No, no, no. She took my son away from me and said she was going to bring him here and then reneged on it. A woman living in a five bedroom house with my son.

Brittany did not take your son away from you. She did take the ice cream I bought her son away from her son. She decided, I don't think I'm going to bring him. And that's what happened. She took away my son from me. No, because you took a break from rehab to uncover cameras in your house so you could watch her. That's what happened. That's what happened.

No, no. First of all, I just want to say this rehab is a beautiful rehab. It's available. $1,400 a week. Airbnb. Yeah, I'm sure it's a fucking resort. Did Cinderella come in from the Magic Castle and like take a picture with you? Like what happened? I,

I don't need the aggressiveness, bro. I don't need this. Oh, okay. Am I too aggressive for you? You know what? Because I'm not talking about five years ago. I'm talking about five days ago. So... You know what? You know what? This is my house.

That I told Bernice you could take over, but it's my house, okay? And you know what? You know what? If we keep talking about this, I'm going to walk away from the party I wasn't invited to in the first place. Yeah, then you should go. Then you should go. I'm not even going to teach you about the fucking doorknobs. Let's see if you can figure that out yourself, journaler. You know what? I'm not going to sit here and do this because everybody in this fucking place needs rehab. I've seen videos of you, Zach, screaming and yelling and banging doors.

Oh, yeah? But it's fun when I do it, and I'm wearing Britney's mother's lipstick when I do it. Where's the entertainment value when you do it? You know what? This is not a Bash Jacks party, okay? Oh, really? Oh, really? Is it not? Is it not? And he's like, you're on my show. You're on my show. This is my fucking show. I got you on this show. And he's like, not for the last 30 days it wasn't.

It was so brilliant. It was so brilliant. I hope it gets nominated for a Peabody Award. I mean, it was just... I swear to God, if fucking Deadliest Catch gets an Emmy nomination over this, I will be mad.

One thing that Jack said during all of this, he's like, yeah, I took down the fucking camera covering because I wanted to see who's coming into my house. I want to know who's coming in and out of my house. I don't want other men coming into my house. Well, there should be one. You're never in it. Fucking cable guy would take better care of that kid.

At least he'd get to watch the Max. I also liked when Jax was like, you came into my bar, my business, and Zach was basically like, yeah, but it's Britney's money. I was like, it was just so great. Britney made it for you. Britney made it for you. She picked that wallpaper. There was a wall of living plants. Well, they used to be living. They were living for two days. It doesn't matter. There are Britney's dead plants on that wall. It's just much better than the bear. So...

That's like my meter. Like every single show, I'm like, how does it compare to the bear? It's better. So now Jax is going to, he wants to leave, which I love him. I love him threatening to leave like anyone wants him to stay. I'm going to leave, guys. I'm going to leave. Well, here's what I really love. And you know, I know Zach's here. I promise I'm not kissing his ass just because he's here because I would say this either way. I really love that Jax is leaving because he can't go up against Zach. And we see it.

We see it over and over again on this show. And it's just someone being honest to your face. But the liars on this show can't do it. Another person who can't do it is Jasmine. Because notice this... Not Jasmine. Janet. Because notice this whole thing going on with Janet about the whoever said that blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah is Zach. And she won't go for Zach. She'll go for Kristen. She'll go for Jasmine. She'll go for anybody else. But she knows better at this point. Because Zach will just be like...

I hope you die with your baby on a roller coaster like I literally don't care. It's hyperbole, bitch. So now we go to Jax and Brittany's house and Jax comes in. It's time to move out, guys. Guys, this is serious. He went to rehab and he's a good man and he needs to move out of a house that's too big for a woman, okay? Okay.

So he notices that all the pictures are turned around, which is hilarious. I feel like, you know, Britney, she's not as petty as I'd like her to be, so I appreciate these moments that she has. She's getting there. So she turns around all these pictures, and she's like,

Yeah, but that pisses me off, actually, that Britney did that. She should have burned them. Yes, I don't need to see pictures turned around. I need to see some crazy shit like Jax's face cut out with a box cutter. You know? It's like that blank hole in the page like they show in Lifetime movies. Oh, by the way, I don't think we said this part. Okay, everybody here can unclench their buttholes. Jax Taylor has left the building.

So thank you, because someone there just said, unclench your butthole, and I was like, fuck off. It took me a minute to register. I want Zach to be a flight attendant and just say that. When you land, okay, everyone can unclench your buttholes. This Boeing actually landed. Thankfully, we've got one of the ten people who still work at the F.I.I.

So Jax has enlisted someone very important for the task of moving out. Schwartz. Oh my God. I'm scared. It's boxes. Boxes. This reminds me of when Katie did this to me. I just stood at the garage door and I said, but I'm just a boy. That's scary.

So, Jax is once again talking about why he has not reached out to Cruz and he's like, "I mean, she's got me blocked on everything. I mean, I can't even talk to her. I can't write her an email. I can't do anything. I mean, I was just on her Instagram and she was talking about how she blocked me. I was like, 'Fuck her!'"

I saw her talking about blocking me on the cameras. It was so fucking rude. She was wearing flip-flops. She knows I hate shorts. Like maybe you shouldn't do that anymore. I don't know. A short, poor Schwartz needs money so bad. This poor fucking guy, he'll do anything. He does not want to be there. And Jackson's like moving onto his block or like into his apartment building. And then he's just like, no, please don't do this. Maybe you shouldn't do that to Brittany. Oh,

So Jason shows up and he brings a message, which is that Brittany wants her computer because she needs to log out of her accounts. Okay, Brittany, why didn't you do this before all this?

You've had 30 days to log out of that iMac. Why are you doing this? Jax has clearly taken the computer and logged into everything and taken the passwords. Yes. He's already gone into your little Safari passwords thing and copied that. It's like a little XLL. What are you? XLL? I'm really dumb when it comes to that. XLR? File. CVS file. It's in a .CVS. A BMW X7 spreadsheet.

So he's like, yeah, I mean, I haven't seen my fucking set. I've been out of rehab for two fucking days. What the fuck? And then they show the clip again of Jack's getting his haircut. Jack's getting his Botox. I mean, I could imagine my mom getting Botox while she saw me. Like, while I was in the room, she'd just be like, oh, Ronnie, you did this to me. So Brittany's also asking him to log out of the security cameras. He's like, not until I see my son. I'm like, what?

Brittany, stop asking for a logout and ask for a fucking hammer and a ladder. Get your ass up there and knock the shit out of the wall. Jeez. So Schwartz is like, you know what? I think there's still like a little part of her that loves me. He's like, little? Don't say little. There's a big part. She loves me. Look at me. How hot I am. Rosy cheeks. Furrowed brow. I don't have a third thing. I only got two things. Chunky sweaters. Smell like a sock.

hockey jerseys, a social media job in Tampa someday. I love when he's like, wow, look at all these memories in these boxes. Yeah, I remember this one. Schwartz is like, oh my God, I remember this day. This was like that time of your wedding. And then we see a clip of their wedding and it's all the Hooters girls and like a line going like, yeah! And he's like, I got my head! Yeah!

So they got the dream. They all dreamt that, you know, Brittany got it. So, so Jax moves on out. So now it's time for Brittany to come by. And so she comes by and Jax has thrown away a photo of Brittany with her dad.

He threw the photo of her dad away. Just this fucking guy. And just Brittany's reaction to it, she's like, oh my God, he threw away the picture of my dad? That no case. Oh, Jax is so silly. Turns out it was just like a carton of Kentucky Fried Chicken. The Colonel, my dad, Mr. Sanders is what I call my people. So...

She's saying how it's all really weird because Jack used to have jerseys all over the garage and the golf cart is gone and it used to be kind of his place. There used to be semen everywhere. There still is. You got to keep the love couch. What do you think that thing's made out of? Only by pleather. There's a reason she bought those hideous red leather couches in her house. You can wipe them down.

So Brittany's like, well, the house right now is under both our names, but I'm taking the house. But I'm looking forward to redecorating it. Brittany, no. I've seen your Airbnb. Call Zach. Call anybody. So Janet's like, well, Jason said there were a couple of times where Jax was like, well, I'm not going to change the camera passwords. And it made me feel very uncomfortable, unfortunately. She's like, I heard it because I was spying on the camera. Oh!

So Brittany tells Janet that she's... Brittany finally learned that she can spy on the camera. She's like, I got mad at first, but it's a good TV show. I love Big Brother. Where's Julie Chan?

So she tells Janet that she's filing for divorce, which I was shocked at because I thought for sure Janet was going to tell Jason, Jason was going to tell Jason, and then it was going to be a disaster, right? But it actually wasn't. And then they start talking about social media, and this is where we learn that Jax has a Finsta named Frank Dremond. Frank Dremond.

Which isn't even the accurate ode to Naked Gun that it's supposed to be. That's Frank Drebin. Well, he said that's what it was, right? Yeah, but his name was Frank Drebin. But he can't spell it. He spelled it wrong. He's so stupid. He put the B on its side. But this is the best part. She's like, oh my God, he's got this fake account named Frank Drebin. I knew he had this. He told me. I guess he forgot that he told me. But it's so good. And Janet's like, oh my God.

A burner? Someone has a burn- that is- what? What even is a burner? A burner! She looks so guilty. Janet, we know you're half of Reddit. There was a comment a couple weeks ago that a friend of mine sent me that said, "Ronnie's hatred for Janet is out of control. I'm against sex-based violence towards women." And someone was like, "What?" And she goes, "Even if it's verbal."

Girl, you are the only person on the planet who would ever think of something that stupid to say. Keep bringing them. I love all of your Dorothys. So anyway, she's like, yeah, so then I found this comment by Frank Draven, you know, and he did an unsub to Burner account. I mean, it is so good. It is so good. I literally replied to me in Frank Draven's name. I mean, only Jax would actually out himself with his own Burner account. Yeah.

He's so bad at it too. I feel like Janet's are at least, like if you ever come across any that are Janet, she tries to seem like a real person. She's like, well, maybe if we just looked at this logically, maybe Janet has some points. She'll try and make it sound kind of real.

But Jax doesn't. The comments of Jax are like, yeah, fuck Jax. And you go, yeah, Jax Taylor, what a legend. Yeah. Jax Taylor, hottest number one guy in the group. Love what he's doing with his blush. So then we go over to Danny and Nia's house where, I don't want a baby. And then Luke is going to get engaged, which is exciting. I want to have another baby. I swear to God, if you two don't tie your fucking tube soon, I'm coming over there.

Luke is like, I got Chris in a ring. It's actually just my ear. I'm Van Gogh. So they have a nice scene, but... Yeah, they're going to go to Hawaii. So he announces that their big group trip is they're all going to go to Hawaii for this very meaningful engagement that Jax is coming to. It's going to be great. It's going to be great. So speaking of Jax, we then go over as he is moving into his condo, which is like next to Schwartz's, separated by like a little piece of glass on the rooftop.

And Schwartz is watching Jax move in and there's just like socks everywhere for some reason. Like every floor just has socks.

But it's great because you know he's looking for his other shoe that Kristen hid in a different bag. He's like, I still can't find it. I still can't find it. And someone says, do you guys share a wall? He's like, don't even say that, bro. Why are you even saying that kind of thing? Do you remember the story of him, Sandoval, and Jax all living together when they were like young models? And Jax just kind of ended up there because, I mean, Jax, you know. And he was in a room with only a curtain. I just...

Poor Tom is in his own purgatory. We've really all been through so much as an audience. We have. We really have. The past 10 years of our lives have been really intense because of this stuff. We've all really learned to love. We've learned. So Jax and Schwartz are up on the roof just talking, thinking about what tree they're going to jerk off on from up there. And Schwartz is... There's a doorbell, and Jax is like, finally, someone's coming to... Let's shoot some hoops.

it's a fan so he goes downstairs and opens it and there's a guy who's like um jason couchy you've been served he's like oh god fucking postmates am i right so so he gets these papers and schwartz is like oh you got served what is that divorce papers wait a second i was just joking i

Yeah, can I see it? Oh, let me read this. Nuclear boundary established. Intent to proceed amicably and out of court as expeditiously as possible. Jax is like, I understood the...

What the fuck are you talking about? He's like, well, it does say with minimal cost to both parties. Dude, this is great. This is great. It's not going to cost you any money. You get to keep the hoodie that you're still wearing. It's so good, Jax. That's amazing. She'll look. It's so great. Sign on the line. It's so good. Jax is like, well, it looks like Tom Schwartz is a legal expert. He...

He once watched a scene of Picket Fences, and I know he knows about Five-ish Finkels, so I guess I'll just sign on this divorce line and do it. It's great, it's a sweetheart, too, it's great. Yep, I'm just going to do it. Oh, except for that whole custody thing, don't write, but...

He's like, what? What? What? What does that say? And he's like, well, you know, custody of Shaw, full custody and stuff. He goes, what? Like, what even is that? Like, I don't even know what that means. Like, do you have custody? Like, could they have bullet points? Like, what is that supposed to even mean? Like, custody? Yeah, sure. Jax is totally pretending he doesn't know what that means so he could just sign his son away and get rid of the fucking paperwork.

Britney will still be on the hook for his 1.2 million tax debt that was rolled into this fucking house, and he can get away scot-free. He's like, what? What's custody? Shut up. He's like, I mean, imagine coming out of a facility, dealing with your mental health issues, and then being slammed with divorce papers. I'm like, not only can I imagine it, I saw it, and I laughed. Not only can I imagine it, I'm still watching it, and I've got a slight boner.

I mean, of anybody on Bravo that we've ever called out for being someone who will never, ever be there to raise his child or fight for custody of his child, it's that fucking guy. He just doesn't want to have to give his car away to anybody in the future. And you know that's the damn truth. Fuck this guy. So Schwartz is like, custody, who needs it? And he's like, uh-oh, D.

There's headlines and really important publications. This one is called Reality Bloob. Brittany Cartwright files for divorce from Jax Taylor after five years of marriage. Just Vanderpump's spirit coming out of the headline.

Yeah, Jax is suddenly upset that he's in the headlines. I don't think so. And then he's like, I think it's safe to say that these are no longer the best days of our lives. Hold on. I can say it. By the way, I live right down the street. I just bought a $3 million house. Maybe we can shoot this scene. The door just slams in her face. And that brings us to the end of the Mounting Hysteria Tour. We did it!

Thank you everyone for coming out tonight and for everyone listening at home for coming to all of our shows. Thank you so much, Zach, Hannah, all our friends and family. Thank you, Zach. Thank you, Hannah. Thank you everyone. Good night, everyone.

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