#2901 The Valley S2E11: Owie Maui
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oh hello and welcome to watch what crappens i'm ronnie and that's ben hello ben hi ronnie how's it going good welcome to incel day on the valley i'm so excited god i've really wanted an incel meeting of man minds and we finally got it man time did weren't we just saying last week on i

on our Valley episode that this guy Scott looks like the sort of person who'd be working with Louis on New Jersey. Didn't we just say that? Yeah, we did a full Louis segment on last week's episode. And here we are. And here we are.

Wow. Amazing. And they say God doesn't listen to watch what crap happens. What if God was one of us? God is one of us. They're a viewer and a listener, and they're leading this shit. So let's get going. First of all, we did a Love Island recap today and Monday through Wednesday, basically, is how they've turned into over on our Patreon. Those are so much fun. Thank you to all the new people on Patreon. We're, like, totally closed off with you, so...

Thanks for joining us for those. If you want video recaps instead of just plain old audio, guys, get them on our Patreon as well. It's called Crappins On Demand. They're also released a week later for free over on the YouTube channel, which is, you know, watch what crappins on YouTube.

And this is crazy doing the Valley, not with a live audience. Cause you know, we get spoiled. Last week was our final tour date. We did the Valley. Zach was there. Hannah Farrier was there. We had so much fun. But here we are just with me and Ben, but you know what? It's our favorite audience. The people in our microphones, you right now talking into your ear. Ronnie, can I just say something? The lighting on you is excellent.

I'm just looking at you right now. I moved around my windows and you have the, you have both fill lighting and key lighting or actually those are the same things, but you know, no key lighting and fill lighting. You have them, you have like, you just have like a, it looks like a cinematographer was in there right now. You have, you have the three, you just look at the three lights, right? The main light, the fill light to take care of the shadows and then like the outline light. And you've got them all going on right now. It looks wonderful. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm just looking at it. I look like I'm in a cloud because I moved my video into the teleprompter and then I can't turn the brightness down. So the teleprompter is actually reflecting onto the camera, yada, yada. Oh, I thought you were moving over to like a Barbra Streisand filter. No, it looks like a Barbra Streisand filter, but it's just because for whatever reason I can't lower the brightness and it's reflecting onto the camera. So I'm like, hello. It looks nice. Thank you. It looks like a music video.

Oh, well, that's exactly what I was going for. How would I live without you? I can take it off, but then I can't see you anymore. And I want to see you, especially since you have good lighting. So I'm making you look fine. You look amazing. You don't even need light. Oh, my God. You know what? You have good face. You have a face card. You don't even. Why?

My headphone just broke. And everyone saw it happen on camera. You know what? That has happened to me four times. I had to end up getting these ones that I'm wearing now, this different style, because look, there's like a little rubber thing. I'll send you the link.

Oh my God. Even though I sent you the link for those, you probably don't trust me anymore, but don't worry. It's fine with just one year. That's how I do it. There's no fixing it. Don't even try it. I mean, what a metaphor for the Valley. What a metaphor. This is like, you know, broken headphone while you're trying to look glamorous in your bar filters filter, but everything's falling apart. The truth is that like you, you think that you think that you're adult and you think you're doing the right thing. You think you got your lighting and your teleprompter all set, but then your headphone breaks because the fundamentals aren't there. That is what the result.

about, you know? Yeah, guys, be careful before you tie your hitch to one pair of headphones. Okay, so here we are. Season two, episode 11, El Coyote Ugly. Dun, dun, dun. It's a very clever title because they go eat at El Coyote, which is a Vanderpump Rules staple. If anybody doesn't remember, this is where we got to watch Kristen and Tom's relationship go to shit. You know, I mean, a lot's happened in this place.

So much, so much, so much history. I mean, these, these really, Katie and Tom, why don't you correct me? Katie and Tom. No, it was no, but didn't Kristen and didn't Kristen and Tom Sandoval. Oh no, they were at Korean barbecue when they had a big fight once. Yeah. Hard to say. I mean, just all we know is that like a lot of drama has happened at El Coyote, which is amazing for a place that has only okay food, but maybe that's why there's so much drama. People are so dissatisfied with the food that they get that they're like,

They have to take out their anger on each other. You're not a El Coyote fan? It's fine. I feel like you go there more for the ambiance. Like, their margaritas are really good. I remember their salsa being really runny. And then there was that whole thing back, remember, in, like, the late aughts, because, you know, it came out that they...

they supported prop eight or something like that so everyone stopped going there and at that point i was like i'm gonna stop going there mainly because i'd rather go i would rather go to el compadre which they also went to on this show or maybe um don antonio's which was made fun famous by heidi and spencer on the hills i just feel like there's other reality star mexican restaurants in l.a that i could patronize instead yeah um well you can patronize all those restaurants but don't patronize me

Good call. So let's start this. We go to Kristen and Luke's house. They're having a very fancy lunch, you know, you know, sarcastically, but he's like, wow, babe, thanks for the fancy lunch. We're having like quesadillas or something. And Luke is like, wow, now that we have a house, like my perspective is totally changed on LA. Maybe I could live here when we have kids instead of going back to my shack with no electricity with cows living in the living room and

Montana or whatever. I never envisioned myself raising a family in LA, but LA has been my home for almost 20 years. So it's kind of almost kind of feel like home to me now. And Kristen's saying, I just hope that when we get pregnant again, and by we, I mean me, but like, but when we get pregnant again, I don't want cheesecake. And he's like,

Like what? Why do you not remember how much cheesecake I ate in a month? He's like, I don't remember that. I think I blocked it out from the time that I woke up one day and I couldn't get through our living room because it was just stacks of cheesecake boxes.

Yeah, you know, here's the thing. Everybody loves Luke. They're like, oh my God, Luke's like the man of the show. He's like the best man. I can't wait. He's going to last forever with Christian. If you don't know that I need cheesecake when I'm pregnant, you're not the man for me. You better know how to make that shit by now. You know, if you're trying to get me pregnant, you know I want cheesecake. You better have a recipe. You better have it frozen in the fridge, something. I mean, for him to be like, you like cheesecake? Don't have a baby with this man. Yeah.

Why am I the only person raising a red flag? For Christ's sake, the man doesn't have electricity and now he doesn't know you like cheesecake. Dump him. I've never in my life felt jealous of someone for being pregnant. Like I've never been like, oh my God, I want to be pregnant. I wish I could be pregnant. I wish as a man I could carry a baby. I've never felt that way. I think until this moment when I realized, wow, if you're pregnant, you have license to eat as much cheesecake as you want.

And I was like, I would love that. Yeah, but it's that superpower that you only have like in a video game where you get a superpower like that last five minutes because then the superpower is gone. And then you still want the cheesecake. And then you have to work the cheesecake off. You know, it's not as much of a win.

Well, the superpower works against you because it's like being like Superman and it's like, guess what? Now you can fly. And you're like, oh my God, I can fly. This is amazing. And then it turns out like people who fly suck. And you're like, but I loved my power. It's like a thing that was so wonderful at one point and now is totally destroying you. What do you mean people who fly suck? No, I'm saying...

it's amazing because you get to have all this cheesecake but yeah once the pregnancy is over now all of a sudden you can't have the cheesecake anymore and you have then you're stuck with cheesecake body and like it's like saying it's like being excited about having a superpower and then all of a sudden it's no longer cool to have that superpower but you're stuck with it so now so in my version of that because the best metaphor I could come up with on the fly pun intended is that you have the ability to fly but then it becomes socially unacceptable to fly and then now you are

you're ashamed of your flying. Oh my God. I don't know why you're not following me. I would die because I, but that would be like flying. You're like, I finally get to fly and people are like, I'm excuse me. Do you have a license to be up here? There are, there are news helicopters, sir. You'd be getting tickets and shit left and right. It's just a new way to get a damn ticket. You're making the non flyers feel bad. And so I think you just need to be more accepting of those people. So you're going to have to ground you. But violent told us to stop bullying.

So let me tell you what's even worse, though. Having cheesecake body without even ever being pregnant. And that's what I've been dealing with my whole life. Why do I look like a cheesecake? Why do I look like a cheesecake that hasn't been cooked enough?

I need some cheesecake right now so badly. I'm not this show. Fuck this show. I'm not even joking. I literally want some cheesecake right now. I'm going to text Dom and be like, can you please bring me back a slice of cheesecake from somewhere? That is someone that you should have a baby with. You see? Because he'll do it. Not Luke. Luke's like, what's cheesecake? The fuck? Cheesecake? We don't have that in Colorado. We have bison cake.

He's talking about how much he loves Kristen. Their relationship's amazing. And he's like, he's here for the long haul, you guys. He's here like forever, okay? And then it just cuts to Kristen's face like...

And so now we they're going to keep trying to have a baby, which means Vulcan. So now we go to Danny and Nia and there she doesn't want to sit down because she has a fresh spray tan on. But she's in good company because the ultimate spray tan walks in and it's Zach. It's Zachary with Benji. Benji!

And we got a lot of her, like she literally advertises to everyone about the spray tan. She's like, sorry, I can't hug you right now. I just got a fresh spray tan. Ma'am, would you like something to drink? What can I drink that goes well with a fresh spray tan, please? I'll have that. Thank you.

You know what? Things with Benji have been really great. Because, like, before he even moved in, I never used my kitchen. But now he uses it. He cooks for me. Because, like, I can't cook anything. It's amazing having Benji.

Wow, you know what's amazing? Having a fresh spray tan. Also, is everyone ready for Hawaii? And Benji's like, yeah. Although you wouldn't know it from Zach because look at the way he's eating. He's like, yeah, I decided next summer. So Nia's like, speaking of Luke and Kristen and fresh spray tans...

Well, we know you know. What? How to open Jesse's door? Yeah, I don't know why you guys can't figure it out. Bottom handle. No, about the engagement. Yeah, because there's certain ways that Luke has been acting around her and he's just like even been more loving. Like he let her turn on the electricity the other day for like 12 full hours. So it's like ding, ding, ding. Something's happening.

Yeah. You know what? What's his buns? Kyle Chan actually paid for dinner the other day and said he has a sale coming in. So I figured I figured something was going on for Kyle Chan. The only way I ever makes money is if someone on this cast gets married. Yeah.

Yeah, I feel like something was going on because the other day I ran into Luke and he had three cheesecakes in his hand. And I was like, why do you have those? He's like, I'm bringing them to Kristen. I said, oh, he's doing nice for doing something nice for her. So probably an engagement around the corner soon, right? Yeah. So he's like, well, you know, Kristen, how's the nickname of Detective Dodie? You know, and that's rubbed off. You know, a good detective never reveals their sources. Kristen's never going to find out. Auto-roam, because I'm going to tell everybody first.

yeah seriously well Luke wants everyone to be invited but since this is our trip I feel like it wouldn't be very natural for us to invite Janet and Jason because I'm not sure they got fresh spray tans recently so maybe you can do that and could you extend that invitation yeah I absolutely will yeah because I think it's

Pretty ironic that last year, Janet had a trip that Kristen and I weren't invited to, and now this year, I'm inviting Janet to a trip all about Kristen. So, Alanis Morissette, I think we got some new lyrics for you. It goes like this. It's like inviting Janet on a trip with Kristen after you didn't invite me and thought I was a murderin'. You're welcome, Alanis. It's like Alanis Morissette's famous song, Cheesecake.

I'm a bitch. I'm a lover. I'm a cheesecake. Who sings that song? I'm a bitch. I'm a lover. It's not Alanis. Meredith Brooks. That's ironic. It's Meredith Brooks. I believe Alanis' cheesecake song. I'm a mother. I'm a jeweler. I'm a mother. I'm a toddler. Because I've got one hand in my cheesecake and the other one is feeding it to Kristen.

You can't. I don't know why I'm making Boys Don't Cry, a Meredith Brooks song, or an Alanis song. This has gone off the rails. And there's a trash can outside. There's a trash truck outside. I'm going to go jump inside it and take myself out. I personally enjoy the idea of Zach and Meredith serenading each other with songs from the 90s. Like Lilith Fair's Greatest Hits. Yeah.

You already won me over, despite of Kristen. Well, let me tell you something. I've met Lilith, and Lilith is unfair. So what do you think about it?

I tried to bring my toddler to the little fair and they said no one under 18 is allowed. And I said, "Well, why do you call it a fair? This is clearly for children." And I said, "You can't leave!" And they said, "We can't leave our own fair." And I said, "Well, then I will leave and I will discuss all the rumors and the nastiness about Sarah McLachlan." Just another manic Monday.

So then we get to Nia. And by the way, back to the show, Nia's like, you know, it'd be unrealistic if we invited Janet. You know, it would be really realistic if Zach invited Janet to go to Maui. How's it realistic for Zach to invite Janet to Maui? Yeah, seriously. That's a stretch. I mean, it would be more realistic if Nia was like, well, I know we're going through a tough time, but I still want to invite you because I don't want you to feel left out.

So either way, Zach is going to do it. Danny's going to text the guys and Zach will take care of like Janet and Janet and Jason. And then for some reason, Danny just goes three under three, baby. This doesn't even have anything to do with the kids. Are you inviting the toddlers? Three under three, baby.

Uh, so he doesn't want to text Jason and Zach's like, no, you know, I guess I'll do it. Okay. Should we go ahead and invite Kristen? And yes, it's time to invite. So now he FaceTimes Kristen and he is like, oh my God, Kristen, are you getting your Botox? And Kristen's like, um, no, not at all. Like,

eating not cheesecake and then kristen gives the least botox face look ever she's like i'm at home i know she really is i'm gonna shoot this from a low angle she's like uh kristen i meant that as kind of a hint um so by the way i need to too my face is moving so much it's disgusting someone actually said the other day are you upset and i was like yes how can you tell like oh i guess your botox is wearing off oh we go back

Wow. Was it Kristen Doty herself? Hey, are you upset? Your Botox isn't working. So anyway, they're all going to go to Hawaii. It's great. So now we go over to Jesse's house and he's taking laundry out because he's a responsible dad. And guess who shows up? It's Scott, the life coach, the life coach, bro.

with the beard and the bald head and he comes in looking cool and then all of a sudden Jax shows up and everyone's coming in. All the bros are arriving for a Scott session and Jesse says,

Before I went to see Jax and picked him up at rehab, Scott said to me, I'm part of a men's group. Yeah, no shit, Sherlock. This guy is like the like if you ask Claude AI how to how to create like a prototypical men's group founder, it's Scott. Scott is actually an AI like like manufactured presence. Yeah, we knew Scott was a men's group type the second he was like, oh, yeah, better for a better way for her to manipulate you. Right. Yeah.

It's like, oh, okay, okay. So you're on the side of the douchebag narcissist emotional abuser, Jesse. Clearly, nice therapy, buddy. Yeah, so he's like, yeah, men's group. I can't wait till we get to the section. Why should I open a door for a woman? What woman has ever opened a door for me? Feminism, am I right? Yeah.

We've been beaten down into being just shells of what we formerly were. God, women, they're the worst. But only men can really understand what men are going through, which is why we need to have a dedicated men's group that's different than men's chat, which is also a dedicated men's group. But that's the one where we get to be who we really are. And this is the one where we get to present who we want to be. Yeah, men's group. We get to come together and call our wives whores in real life, not just on the Internet.

We're all going through personal struggles with issues that we've created ourselves. So getting a bunch of guys together to kind of hash it out for their own mental health and be kind of homoerotic about it, I think that's important right now. It's not gay if it happens in men's group. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappin's commercial.

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Jax comes over and they're like, "Oh Jax, how are you Jax? You doing okay?" And he's like, "Guys, you know, I'm just like terrible you guys. Like it's so hard, you know, I've been going through like rehab, like separation, divorce, you know." Okay, so let's all feel bad. This whole scene is so fucking misguided. They have the full violins for...

For Jax, this holds on like we're all supposed to sit here and feel so sorry for Jax. All right. So circle up, guys. Guys, thank you for being here because, you know, it matters for us to get together. You know, we're guys. Guys have scrotums generally. So I just want to say, you know, like we have disagreements sometimes. But at the end of the day, we're still brothers. OK. And let's remember, men fuck each other over, too.

From now on, we need to remember men only fuck over women. Am I agreed? Let's get in here. Let's pump scrotums. Scrotum pumps. Now, since all of you guys are too cheap to go to real therapy, we're going to do my therapy instead. Okay. We have a lot of resentments. We're going to call that a list. Okay. A list of resentments. Does that mean it's a list of lists? Because a resentment is a list? Precisely.

And the way a list is cleared up is you find the hunkiest guy in the room. So Jason, would you stand up? Okay. I'm going to put my hand on your chest. You've been working out, bro. This is nice. Nice round mound of my hand. Okay. You put your hand on the man's chest. Down a little bit. Just move it down a little bit and cough. Yes. Okay. You're going to feel my finger rubbing your tits a little bit. Okay. How does that make you feel? Does that make you feel? Well, I'm a little bit uncomfortable. You don't say anything right now. Okay. Okay.

Okay. So the stink really makes you think, am I right? Yeah. Okay. Tell me how you're feeling. Now, if you guys want to do this shirtless, please be my guest. It's men's group. Anything goes in here. It's not gay. All right. So you put your hand on the perfectly shaped bosom and then you say, Hey, you did this and it made me feel this.

And we're doing it for this man and to be able to let it go. Okay. So I know you're all confused, but this man, that's me. That man is him. This man touches the body part. That man just has to be quiet about it. And this man just airs all sorts of bullshit. And that man just has to be quiet and then hug afterwards. Does everyone follow how this goes? Okay. Who wants to start? Yeah. So we're going to, I'm going to invite a man up here to clear a list. First thing on my list is,

Get me inside of you. Okay. Who wants to go first? And Jack's like, why is everybody looking at me? I'm not even going on this stupid trip. I just, I just, I just, just, just see myself being able to go on a trip right now, guys. Okay. Violence, please. Like, poor Jack's, poor Jack's about to get a finger up his ass. So Scott's like, I'm not looking at you. You're looking at me. He's like, uh-uh. I'm just listening. So I'm taking it in right now. Yeah, you are. Just the tip.

just the tip all right who wants to start guys who wants to start so jesse starts yeah you know what i invite you all here i've got the most prominent hair dent so i'll start okay i feel like i've been you know clearing some lists with everybody except for my fucking ex-wife god she's a fucking bitch so i'm gonna start with luke and by the way i just want to tell everyone that later on when i uh

When I have this, when I have to clear a list with Aaron, I will do exactly what we learn here to do, except I won't do any of it. I'll just yell at him. Okay, great. Luke, I'm going to put my hand on your chest. All right, just do it, right? And Luke's like, I'll give you permission. Just kidding. So just like, okay, all right, all right, here we go.

So, with your blind loyalty to your girlfriend, because you're a pussy, and I think we all acknowledge you're a pussy, with your blind loyalty to your lying, fucking, annoying girlfriend, I was hurt by that. I was hurt by your lack of balls and an ability to stand up to a woman. For you, letting a woman just tell you what to think and feel, that made me feel hurt. And...

I was angry. It made me feel aggressive, but I'm willing to let go. - Yeah, the way that you stood up for your woman when I physically came for her at a party really hurt, bro. - What? It's Jesse fucking for real.

But I'm willing to let it go, man. But I let it go. You're welcome. You're welcome, bro. Made me feel angry. It made me feel want to be aggressive. It made me feel like, does this headband even work anymore? But you know what? I'm going to let it go. Do I have to stick my finger up his butt? He does not trim his taint hair. Okay. We'll pass on that one. We'll pass on that one. And this guy is like,

Have you guys heard that they made like cake out of cheese? Is that a thing? Is that really a thing? Kristen insists that that's a thing. - Your turn will come up soon, Scott. Just hold on, I mean, Luke. So Scott's like, "Okay, who's next? Jax, Jax?" Scott the entire time is like, "This is my white whale. Like if I can fix Jax, I'll be legendary." So Jax is like, "Yeah, so basically can I just like sit here and like clear my list with everybody?" He's like, "No, no."

I'll hold the place. I'll do it. Okay. Put your paw on my chest. Okay. And Jax is like, uh, could you just, just rest your nutsack inside of my mouth? And then that energy will go to all of the guys in the group. Jax is like, okay, good.

in my first time you're gonna pay my mortgage right that's how it works in miami it's like okay just just go all right jack go ahead now i'm ready jack i'm ready go ahead go ahead guys i you know i've been having a really a really tough time with my life right now and it's just like i'm sorry i'm just like hold on hold on one second hold on let me apply some teardrops

Okay. I'm just, I'm a, I'm an angry human being. I've been like that my whole life and I take it out on everybody, you know, everyone else, my anger. And like, especially my wife. I mean, I mean, she's a bitch. She's an idiot. I can't stand her. She's cheating on me. And she just makes me so angry. It's like, I don't have to say it's not even my fault, but I'm just so angry. And like, I thought I didn't have that anger, but she makes me angry. And she's like the person who's actually the one who's ruined me right now. Just a lot. I don't want to be like that anymore. I don't want her to turn me into that person anymore.

Yeah. And then they all hug. And Scott's like, yeah, but you know what, Jax? People watch you. Okay. You're a television and a film star. You're one of our most prized authors in this country. And there's a little boy inside of you and he's screaming to come out and he's saying, please stop getting facial surgery. It hurts. And be vulnerable and cry. Stop wearing so much, so much, uh,

Not bleach. Blush. Thank you. Thank you. I was having trouble with words with your nutsack in my mouth. But listen, you're a model and you're also a model for not only a model for underwear in the past, the way past. Whoa, those times have passed. Hey, well, come back to that. Come up. Model model boats gone. But you can still be a model for people. Can you know how you do that?

You kill them, you take their skin, and then you wear that and model it for other people. Okay? But until then, people across the world are going to see you, and they're going to want to be like you, Jax. Okay? I'm proud of you, dude. You're on TV. And now I'm on TV. I won. Did you come? I did. Okay. This was good, guys. I've been paid in sperm. It was my own. I will still eat it. Thanks for coming.

Jax. Yeah. So that was Jax's therapy. So now, okay, who's next? Jax admitted nothing. He just yelled at people that he was angry. He just did take responsibility. Yeah. He just used buzzwords. I'm angry. I've always been angry. So then I made it all about himself instead of clearing any lists with anybody else. Of course, Jax doesn't even know how to do the group therapy and the fucking star fucker man of Tate, whatever his buns is, can't even ask the question to make him do the therapy. Yeah.

What's that guy's name? Andrew Tate. Yeah. The Andrew Tate ball swallowing motherfucker can't even keep the man on task. He's like, oh, it's great group therapy where Jax just talked about himself, took no responsibility. Who's next? And let's get the little one. Come on, little guy. All right. All right. All right. All right. Okay. Three under three, Jason. I think we have a moment. Does anyone have a step stool? Okay. Okay.

Okay, hand on your chest. It is an impressive chest now that I feel it. Listen, listen, I love you, dude. And I definitely didn't show that last week. I shed things to your wife I shouldn't have shed. And I feel really bad for sharing those shings. And I just, you know, it's a lot. And you know what's funny is that as my hand sits here on your pectoral, it does sort of feel like Jasmine's butt a little bit. This is impressive. A lot of round body parts in this group, huh?

Feels weird touching you so intimately without having drinks first. But you can't call me daddy if that makes you feel any better. Well, I appreciate that a lot, daddy. Yes. You know, daddy's a genuine guy and...

I thought 100% believe him, but like somebody can apologize all day, but unless they make actual changes, you know, what's the point? Like we're just wasting time. So I don't know if I'm at a place I can fully let everything go, daddy. But to be honest, I'm just going to work on it. The fact that you call me dad. He's like, you know, I'm sorry. I would let this go, but Janet hasn't given me permission yet. So we're gonna have to put a pin in that daddy. Okay.

This isn't exactly what I wanted to hear. I mean, but to be fair, what I really wanted to hear was congratulations, Danny, you've been hired for three more seasons of The Walking Dead. He doesn't have that authority. I understand that, but it's going in the right direction. So I can only just change myself right now and build and grow.

So Jason's like, yeah, for me, my biggest thing in coming here was me and my wife's relationship with Danny and Nia. And there's been like a black cloud and, you know, I'm married to her. And the black cloud needs to be repaired. Okay. Because it's big. It's big. I need the black cloud to be contained. Please contain Janet. Somebody please contain Janet. And Jesse's like, right, right. Yeah. Cause the conversation has been about drinking. Meanwhile, we start this with,

Which is the part we forgot with Jesse going, all right, guys, we've got Cybacillin drinks. We've got weed. We've got drinks if anybody needs that. Okay. So that's how Jesse started this therapy session. And now moving into, yeah.

The drinking's a problem with Danny. It's a real problem. And you know, it's not even the sneezing. Danny sneezing in the middle of sentences is a huge problem. And you know what? It's not just that. It's the hiding it. It's the hiding the drinking.

And Scott's like, whoa, you're hiding your drinking. So I'm assuming not that anybody's told me anything about you, except that you're a goddamn tiny person. Alcoholic is that you're going to the bar, getting a bunch of drinks and then leaving back with one and pretending like, whoa, I just had one drink. And Jack's like, yeah, it's disgusting. He's a disgusting alcoholic. And Danny's like, well, that has happened, I guess.

Yeah, it's actually kind of hilarious because Scott, whether he was told ahead of time or not, just does kind of nail Danny's behavior, which we could all tell is Danny's what Danny has been doing. And Danny's like, oh, yeah, sure.

I mean, but when I do do it, I do it quickly and I do do it under three minutes. Some would say I have three under three and then I go back to the table. So it's got like, I'm not hiding my drinking from my friends. I'm hiding my drinking from my wife. Isn't that allowed? I do tell everyone about it in boys chat.

I did it right in front of Janet. I just didn't want Nia to know. Scott's like, yeah, when you're hiding, that's implied dishonesty. And Danny's like, I know there are areas I need to work on or areas where I could work, like Burbank or even Hollywood or East Hollywood if they opened up a studio there. But anytime people are coming after my character, which did take me a long time to get into because I did take classes at Uta Hagen, it doesn't shit well with me.

And Scott's like, but you know what? We're sneaky, right? We're squirrely. Am I right? Is there a man here that would not admit to being squirrely? Jax, you're tapping your leg and your shoulder and your knee and your elbow. Jax, are you here? What are you snorting? Jax? Jax, okay. Jax is hiding his head from us, which is okay right now. It's probably just a little cocaine, which is okay to hide because that's illegal. Am I right? God, I love Jax. I'm a great therapist. Okay. Call me. 1-800-MAN-MAN-MAN.

All right, guys, I know we're all a bit squirrely. So in the spirit of that, I brought a little squirrel here. I want you all to put your hand on its chest and clear the list with a squirrel as you've taken its identity. We're going to squeeze the chest and the squirrel is dead. We are men. We are squirrely men. Kill the squirrel. So he's like, guys, we're on a journey together. And while you might feel alone, you're in a partnership.

with each other all right everybody I'm gonna get on my knees the rest of you are gonna unzip and surround me and cover me in your seed okay great thanks guys I'm sensing there's a lot of tension in this room and I think you all just need to be relieved so let me be your vessel wow great great therapy work there by the way on my list of bucoccy me okay

You're in a partnership with each other. Wow, this is great therapy. What a great conclusion to come to. I think the problem is because they're in a partnership with each other. I think that's where this all started. So now we do.

You are really something. Great, great work, Scott. - Well, don't worry, Ronnie. The women have a much better way of handling their issues. So we go over to El Coyote and the whole group is there and Sheena's like, "Oh my God, I haven't been to El Coyote in 45 years. This is crazy. I wonder if they have enchiladas and if they would care if I brought enchiladas back there because then we can have an enchilada for El Coyote versus Sheena's famous enchiladas. That would be hilarious."

I hope they play my favorite song. I, I, I, I like macaroni. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I

E-N-C-H-I-L-A-D-A-S. How you like that? How you like that? So the girls come in. They're all like, hi, hi, hi. Then there's an awkward silence. And Janet's like, I'm a bit nervous to see Nia. Things are not going great there. But, you know, it's girls night. What's the worst that could happen? Let me show you because I'm going to do it. I'm going to be the worst. This is a thought experiment. Yeah.

So they're all in this, because it's a reality show, they all have to sit in this big long table, but like in a U shape, they can't actually sit like normal. And so as a result, you have on one side, you have Kristen and Nia and the other side, you've got Michelle and Janice. The feuding parties are all separated. And in the middle, you have like the neutral parties. So Kristen, like Nia's saying, this is very intense. Like I'm not going to go out of my way to make conversation down there, especially across the table.

And she's saying that she and Jen are definitely not good and that Jen always focuses on other people's relationships and marriages and yet never seems to share much from her end.

Yeah, so Nia announces that there's a Maui trip coming and Michelle announces that Aaron's coming and everyone's like, oh my God, yay. And she's like, yes, I'm excited because I feel like Jesse is not going to be playing games if Aaron is around. He only misdreeds women, never men. Are you kidding? You think that's going to stop him? Girl. Yeah, that's, I don't see how Aaron being there is going to actually make Jesse act more normal. No. Yeah.

By the way, I have to say in the middle of this, the waiter came by and you know, normally we don't, they take so many orders on Bravo shows that we don't normally highlight them. But I rewound it and watched three times when Brittany was like, I'd like some cheese fajitas please. Chicken fajitas. I'd like some chicken fajitas please. She ordered cheese fajitas? No, chicken fajitas. I want some chicken fajitas. Her voice got so high and squeaky. She's like, ah!

I should have recorded it because it was, I will record it because that was, it was just like this little bubble of a cartoon.

So Jasmine's like, well, well, you know, that kept telling me like there's so much going on in this trip. Like there's something surprising. So I'm like, what's going to be surprised? Like, it's crazy. Like, okay, let's think of surprises like pregnancy, marriage. Like, what is it? What's it going to be? Who's here? Who here is not married? Kristen's not married. She could get married. I mean, Michelle, is somebody going to propose to me? Is somebody going to like, who's it going to be? Kristen, are you getting married? Are you getting proposed to? Is he getting a ring? Oh my God. Kyle Chan called me the other day. He's telling a ring. Like, that's crazy. Like he even offered to buy me a drink. It's nuts. Seriously? Sure.

Quiet. It's a secret. Dan and I are going to plan a secret surprise. Oh, it's going to be an engagement engagement. No, wait. I literally said nothing about that. Why are you saying that in front of Kristen? But of course, Zach goes and ruins it. He's like, I'm not going to tell you what it is, but it's a surprise. And cheesecake is real.

yeah why is that doing this and then of course like jasmine is like anti-detective and can't even like to do what might be happening so she just like blurts it out so then michelle is like by the way before we move forward because i just want to move on with my life it's been brought to my attention that a lot of people keep talking about my boyfriend and people he has slept with in the past

So Christine, obviously you and I have gone through a lot, but he slept with Jenna back in 2020. They had COVID sex. And Chris was like, what? Seriously? This has nothing to do with me. I don't even know what you're talking about. What does this have to do with me? What's going on? So...

Michelle is referencing the package. How are you blaming Kristen and not Sheena is my question. Yeah. How is Sheena not? Like, this is so Sheena. And then Sheena runs around telling everybody about it, you know. Sheena wants it. Sheena wants to be blamed. She is literally sitting dead center amongst all the women. She's practically wearing a t-shirt. I'm surprised she's not wearing a t-shirt that just says Team Jenna on it for no good reason. She's like, would you like me to weigh in on this conversation? Because I can do that.

And Kristen's like, I didn't do that. And Michelle's like, how did Jezzy know that once upon a time Jenna and Aaron hugged up? Because Jenna showed up at a party and told him. How is that anybody's fault but Jenna's? And maybe you shouldn't be stealing other people's men anyway if that was the case. Because wasn't it the rumor? Well, the rumor online. Who knows what the truth is? But was that Michelle was the one that.

I don't know. I don't remember it anymore. Who knows? But this group is also incestuous. They all fuck each other. And Jenna's been trying to get on TV for damn near 10 years now. She keeps cheating with people and working her way onto this show. Blame Jenna. Stop blaming everybody else. Well, it was funny because also... Blame Aaron. Aaron banged Jenna. So why is everyone else getting in trouble here? Except the man again.

Also, just be more secure. Just be more secure in your relationship. OK, if you know that the Aaron did not cheat on you, if you know that this happened in 2020 or whatever, then just be like, whatever. She's trying it. But like, I got my man and I'm happy with what we have. Like, don't be like, don't like, don't don't like lash out like this. Yeah, but it's none of his goddamn business.

Yeah, exactly. And so what's funny is that it's actually Zach is the one who really pushed this together because Kristen invited Jenna to the party, but she claims she just invited Jenna. She wasn't trying to stir any shit up. But Zach was like, hey, by the way, Jesse, you have to talk to Jenna. Jenna slept with Aaron. Yeah, she loves honey. Yeah, he cheated on Michelle with Jenna, but also she cheated on you with Aaron. They were all cheating behind your back. Go talk to her now. Do it.

Yeah, he's like, it was never Kristen. It was Zachathar all along. So Chris is like, no offense, but I don't give a fuck about anybody's relationships. Ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-dismissed. Ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-

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So, of course, Janet weighs in and she's like, um, you went behind Michelle's back and said that she was a cheater. And so we flashback to last year. Two years ago. God, cry harder. Who cares? Why are you getting involved also? Because she loves the drama. Yes, yes. Agreed. Cheesecake, please. And Nia's like, yeah, she loves it. And Janet's like, OK, whatever. But meanwhile, it's true. Janet loves the drama.

Yeah, and Michelle's like, well, my ex-husband aids me. He aids me. Kristen's like, no, Michelle, you know what? I understand that you're going through shit, okay? Well, yeah, she just thinks that they're trying to ruin her relationship. You know what that means? What if somebody tried to come between me and chicken finest?

I'm not, therefore, I will not intervene. She's like, but he is trying to ruin me. I will not bring Jenna around somewhere that you and Aaron are going to be. But you already did, Kristen. Which I didn't. By the way, it didn't even cross my mind because you know what I was thinking about? Cheesecake. Even at my housewarming party, I was like, should I make this cheesecake warming party? I mean, even though you guys could not come, it did not even cross my mind. Caw, caw.

And so Janet's like, well, I'm so frustrated that Kristen's like, what? Jenna, who? What? Who? What? Shut the fuck up. You know what you're doing, Kristen. And she says, yeah, you're doing the dirty work, Kristen. You're doing the dirty work. Okay.

And Jesse is the toxic one here. You know, hello. Like, why are we fighting? Like, it's so annoying. We're fighting with women again when you've got the man right there. And Jana's like, well, I mean, if you don't see that Kristen's doing this, come on, come on. I'm getting upset because I'm watching Kristen sniper from the side. That's right. I'm stealing an Erica Jameson.

chain line now. She's ride or dying for Nia and she'll do almost anything, including taking down my marriage and taking down Michelle's relationship. I think we can retire the concept of being a sniper from the side. I think that's just like inherent in the word sniper. Like the point with a sniper is that they're far away and they shoot you. It doesn't matter what direction it comes from.

That's such a good point. Snipers have like viewfinders for a reason. Okay. They literally have telescopes. They're most likely going to snipe you from the side. That's usually the way it works. If they snipe you from the front, it's really the same effect. It's just a sniper. But Janet only knows how to speak in fan language. So she says sniper from the side. She doesn't even say she's like sniping from the side. She doesn't know how to reform the old Bravo, the old Bravo line. So she's like, I think what she's doing is sniper from the side.

Okay. So Kristen's like, oh, this is a conversation that Michelle and I could have had without you being involved, Janet. She goes, yeah, because we hold you accountable. That's why. That's me, Janet. Misaccountability.

she's like well a word accountability a word you can't stand and jasmine's like i just want the old jazz the old janet back like the fun janet you know the one you want to be around like this janet not so much don't want to be around her yeah and chris like um i'm done being disrespected as right now i will take my cheesecake to go goodbye ka ka christian out goodbye

Mariposa flying away. Bye. And so she leaves and Mia's like, oh, no, don't leave, Kristen. You don't have to leave. And she's like, I can't take it. And Janet's like, oh, no, I'm fucking done. I'm done with this. Bye, Kristen. Bye. And Mia's like, well, I can't take it either. This is so hard. This is like...

I'm crying now. She goes, oh my God, why are you crying, Nia? Jesus Christ. It's like, because this is just too much. Is that even a real question? It's just intense. And she goes, oh yeah, always the tears when it's too intense. Poor little Nia. Nia, are you okay? Would you like to share with me? Should I say something right now? Your husband has a drinking problem. Did that make you mad at me? Do you want to have a feud? No.

This is just too intense for me. So then Janet's like, oh, it's always tears. Always intense. Janet, that is rude. If you were angry at me for taking Nia's side, we can have a feud for the TV show if you want. Nia's like, fuck you. Fuck you. I'm going to leave with my fresh spray tan that almost melted off. Yeah. So Nia gets up and she's like, bye.

Loser. Bye. And just making an ass out of herself, you know, over really nothing. It's not even a fight with her. It's supposed to be a fight with Michelle and Kristen. But now it's just turned into Janet yelling at everybody in a bad dress.

Yeah, and Janet's really going off. She's like, you're not going to say my husband's taking his ring off while your husband's fucking ass grabbing. And Brittany's like, well, he's not way into shit. And now I'm just terrified that this Hawaii trip is going to be a disaster. Can I get some more chicken values, please? Thank you.

And she's like, you know who wants to fucking cry? I want to fucking cry. And she slams her drink down. Janet, you're trying too hard for it. You have nothing going on. Change your outfit. Was this the part where she talked about magic? What was the part where Janet talked about magic? No, it's right here. So now the El Coyote scene is over and they all go to a park.

Uh, they go to the Pan Pacific park, uh, to do like a field day or whatever. And so they're all showing up. And, uh, Michelle is like, she's like, I am, Jenna is there. And,

Jenna is an ump for these games. And Michelle's like, I am literally annoyed because ever since Jenna found out that I'm with Aaron, she just wants to be around all my friends. And Jasmine's like, oh yeah, I definitely invited Jenna to be a ref before El Coyote. And unfortunately, one of the rules of field day is that when you hire someone to be a ref, you cannot fire them. It's a big legal process. So she's just stuck with us for today.

So Michelle's all pissed off. By the way, Michelle, Jenna has been thirsty long before you ever arrived on the scene. Okay. She cheated with James. She cheated on. Wasn't she? I remember so many people have cheated on each other on this show. I am forgetting, but she's been cheating with people a long time before you ever got here trying to get on this show. Okay. It's not just umpire day.

So I'm telling you, I still have my empirical evidence of watching her flirt with Taye Diggs while he was still with the Dina Menzel. How rude. How rude.

So Brock says hi to Michelle and he's like, what's that look for? And she's like, not you. You are standing in front of the reverie. And it is the reverie I am coming for. I'm giving you honey eyes. New version of honey eyes. So Melissa blows the whistle. It's time for field day. Jax is there and he's miserable. He's like...

here we are. I've got to do this on my show. Why we got to do this kind of thing on my show? I don't like doing this shit on my show. Fuck these people. Jack's just at home. Why is Jack's even here?

Yeah, to get a paycheck he needs one so the producers are asking Zack who he thinks needs to get their crush at the most and Zack's like "Um, Jesse?" and before you like you don't even need to say it like Jesse but also Jax by the way because he looks like he's about to burst or maybe he's like just like super sweaty like just got off a tanning bed but like he looks really like an angry chicken right now. Alanis you can use those lyrics too if you want. I don't know which song but you can use them.

So then everyone's doing it.

You live, you become an angry chicken. So now they split into teams and they play this stupid game. You know, who cares? So then Janet's like, not only do I hate everything about this entire field day and physical exercise, I just don't want to be on a team with Kristen and Luke. This is literally my nightmare come true.

And this is where she says, I literally hate field day. Instead of playing sports growing up, I did magic lessons. Well, could you do a presto change on that outfit? Because good Lord, she's wearing like a pink, that pink satin thing with like two little baby bows on the shoulders. I just, I just changed. Why does Janet have to be horrible in every way?

I know. So this scene is also one of the first scenes that we're seeing of Brittany and Jax being together since the divorce papers were served. So the producer asked Brittany if she heard from Jax at all since the paperwork. And she says like, "Yeah, Jax texted me, but it was like, I didn't expect it, but I understand why you did it. And I think my plan is just to act like he doesn't exist."

So then they do some racing. They do all the fun things, you know, relay races and eggs on the spoon. And it goes on for a little while. And Jesse, of course, goes out of his way to take off his shirt, which I think was more exciting for him than for us. So then Jesse's like, I used to think I used to be competitive. Now I'm just competing to get out of bed in the morning without having to crack something. I'm just a fucking mess.

So then Janet and Brittany go talk and Janet's like, I'm just like so tired because like every time the group gets together, it's like fireworks. Yeah, because you start shit at literally every party. Stop acting exhausted by your own mess. And Brittany's like, well, you know, I'm just like so, so much sadder now that I haven't seen Jax, you know, like it sucks. And.

And so then we go to Luke and Kristen talking and Kristen is like, I was like, I'm angry at you, Chugs. And he's like, yeah, you know, like, thanks for being so nice to me, you know, at the party. Like, I just wasn't expecting it, you know, because like, it's so hard, you know, I'm going through like marriage and rehab and divorce and like separation and like rehab. Like, I'm angry, you know how that is. So like, you know, I'm going through a lot right now, but like, I appreciate it, Kristen. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, well, just try to mind your P's and Q's until after Hawaii, and that's going to speak volumes. He's like, oh, yeah, P's and Q's. I love taking those. They really bring me up and then take me down. It's just... Poppers and Quaaludes, baby. Is it anal day? Is it anal day?

So then we hear Nia and Jesse talking, and Nia's like, so how's it going, Jesse? And he's like, oh, I didn't even say hi to you. And she goes, yeah, well, I didn't say hi to anybody on the purple team, okay, because we came late, so we're ready to rock and roll. But she's really not speaking to Janet. She doesn't want to be anywhere near Janet.

So Brittany asked Jan if she's spoken to Nia and Janet's like, you know, I was really fired up and I haven't been that mad like in so long. And honestly, it's just like built up because it's like Kristen blurted out this rumor about Jason because she was trying to defend Dan and Nia. So I sort of blame them almost for like all

all of them as a whole for like throwing out suspicions that my husband's cheating on me when I know he's not, which is why I'm being so chill about this. And I guess when I saw her start to cry, I was like, oh, this is just bullshit. Like I'm the one who has a hood that bangs me in the forehead every single time I go near my oven. Okay. And Michelle's the one who's like actually going through a divorce. We're the real victims here. Yeah. And,

And so Janice just really pissed. So then we get a scene of Luke going to Kyle Chan's place and his big because, you know, Kristen's following his ass. She's got the location on the phone. So he had to say he was going to Kyle Chan so that Kyle Chan could take care of their pet gecko while they are in Maui. And he's like, OK, we got to hurry this up because Kristen's following me and I can't be in here too long or she'll be suspicious. Yeah.

I love that Kristin is timing the amount of time that the doc is at Kyle Chan's office.

All right. So he also says Kyle's chance office right now. What would I be saying? Hey, Kyle, this is the gecko. He gets a couple of pellets a day. Do you know what cheesecake is? Have you ever heard of cheesecake? Does Christian really eat cheesecake? And then Kyle's going to be like, yeah, he's going to show him all the pictures we have of me eating cheesecake. Okay. That's five minutes. Okay. Should be leaving now. Should be leaving. Why is he not heading to Cheesecake Factory? Why is he not heading? He's cheating on me. That's it. He's cheating on me.

I have a radical idea so that way you don't have to come up with like a whole, you know, elaborate gecko babysitting cover story, which is why don't you and Kyle Chan meet for coffee somewhere and he can bring the ring to you. I don't know. Just thinking outside the box, you know, you have to go to his office. Is that necessary? Pick that shit on the Instagram. You know, it's

It's called a UPS store mailbox. Okay. So, but Luke is going through it because he's very, he's, he's nervous about the engagement, but his grandma also has cancer. And so he is really up and down and he's not sure how the emotions are going to affect him, which means that he is going to have a breakdown on this Hawaii trip very soon. So then we go to Janet and Jason. Is Janet excited about the trip? And she's like,

Well, like yes and no, because like I'm going on a trip with the people that like half of them were not even talking to, you know. And I know I owe Nia an apology because I really went crazy at El Coyote, which is an iconic place from Vanderpump Rules, which I mean, I wasn't really a fan of because I was a friend of the group. But anyway, love that place. I got all the waitstaff's signatures on an enchilada, which I'm putting in this case. But anyway, point is Nia is a gaslighter, so I still kind of hate her.

What did Nia gaslight you? What are you talking about? Nia's definitely not a gaslighter. Yeah, I think she's confusing gaslighting with... Well, she's assuming... She thinks that Nia covering for Danny is gaslighting, and that's just Nia covering for Danny. That's just Nia...

not wanting to air out the fact that she's concerned that her husband has a drinking problem. So she's just saying, yeah, he's tired right now and taking a nap. So then, uh, Nia and Danny are at a sun spa because I guess it's time to get yet a new fake tan. And they're talking about like, you know, anxiety about going on this trip. And then we see Zach, um,

Um, and he's talking to Benji and he's like, I think that like Kristen is like super not happy with Janet and they're gonna wear shirts that we got like for Luke and Kristen's face saying just engage and she's gonna like wear it and out the engagement. So they're all nervous, but everyone's basically packing and getting ready to go on this trip.

Yeah, so now Luke and Kristen are home packing. And Kristen's like, I mean, what am I supposed to wear? Because, like, you know, like, what are you guys going to do? What are we going to do? Are we going fishing? You guys are going fishing? Like, do I have to wear things to fish? I'd catch a fish in my mouth. He's like, I know, honey. You showed my whole family in Montana. That's why they want me to marry you. I mean...

Okay. So I was talking to Tania and she said that all the girls are just gonna while we're fishing, the girls are going to dress all cute as if they're about to get engaged. I mean, something like that. Great. The girls just want to go have margaritas by the pool and wedding dresses. So

They say they're going to put on full glam as if someone's going to pop out from the side of the boat and take photos of them as if it was a very important day in their lives. I don't know, something like that. Yeah, and he's like, but you know, I know that things went bad with you guys, you and Janet the other night. She's like, oh no, that bitch is done, done. That bitch is like so done. I'm done with her. So Kristen's done with her and she's not going to speak with her in Hawaii and she doesn't even know why she wants to come on the trip.

So then we go to Jack sitting in a restaurant by himself. He's like, hi, I was just left by my wife. So do you have a table for me? Great. So I'm alone.

Yeah. And the waitress is like, what would you like to order? I would like a, I've got a lot of anger issues, but I'm working on it and it's been really great. I, I've said some things in rehab that I thought I was going to take to the grave and it was really liberating. I have to apologize to my wife. I treated her wrongly, but I'm a new guy now and I would love your number. If also, if you want to bang in the back, that'd be great too. You have one of those. So do you need something to drink? And he's like, Oh, Oh, Oh yeah. Coffee and Coke.

Would be great. Pepsi okay? Can I start that? No, it's not fucking okay. Coffee and Coke. Thank you. Alex Baskin comes in. He's like, here you go. Just stay. We support you. We support you.

so jack's is sitting there waiting he's alone in this restaurant and he's getting flummoxed and then um uh jack's calls britney and she's like i'm not gonna come and he's like why not and she's like well i woke up to a flood of dms and stuff talking about you last night and how drunk you were at the bar and how you were these girls you're hanging out with the girls and sluts and he's like i wasn't drunk at all i was just coked up okay i went home early yeah all this stuff yes you were okay that's photos of you okay people sending me

DMs and everything. I got DMs. I got DMs and everything. I'm mad at you.

And she's like, yeah, I've been trying to keep my space from Jax since he's been out of the facility. And the only reason I agreed to meet with him is because we do have a child together. We got a child together, so we got to meet. But not today, because I got DMs and everything. You know what? I went to CVS because I had a cough, and I went to the Robitussins. And guess what? I saw some Robitussin DM, and I was like, look, even they got the DMs about Jax.

So she's mad because he was supposed to work on himself. And as soon as he gets out, he goes to the bar and she's not putting up with that crap. So and by the way, I think you are a vile, terrible, vile human being. And you've really put me in a terrible situation, especially in DMs and everything. Okay.

He's like, but we're getting a divorce. I mean, we're no longer together. So what I do on my own time is my own business. You should have remembered that before you installed cameras to spy on your wife, by the way. Yeah, exactly. Logic is going both ways. You can put a ring cam in your house, but she's got the whole Internet on her side, sir. So good luck. Yeah.

So she's like, well, have fun being drunk at your bar. Forty five years old, still drunk, not even a chicken. And he just hangs up on her. He's like, well, that was that.

So now he asked for his coffee to go, which is like the most depressing thing he's ever done, even though he doesn't walk back from an AM PM five times a day with coffee. And he's like, yeah, it was really hard. Like it was so embarrassing. So embarrassed being left alone in a restaurant. How could she do this to me when I have been to rehab and been separated and gone through a divorce?

I just had to throw someone's picture of them with their father away the other day. How could she do this to me? Can I get a waitress here to stand in for Brittany? I'd like to clear a list. So I need to put my hand on a waitress's breast. Is there anyone who could do this for me? No.

So then now it's time to go to Hawaii because Jax is not going to Hawaii, by the way. I don't know if we mentioned that, but he's not going to go. So we're heading to Hawaii and they have arrived. They're arriving at in Maui at the Hyatt there. And Aaron's asking about pineapple. He's like, it's a pineapple is a safe word, right? And then Zach, you know what? If you put a pineapple on your door on a cruise or in a hotel, it lets people know that you're ready to swing. And Janet's like, okay.

I mean, if I saw a pineapple just sitting on a door, I mean, I don't even know. Like, no, not an actual pineapple, Janet. I like Janet thinking, like, you have to, like, go, like, you have to go get some fresh produce before you declare that you're a swinger. Yeah. Like Janet doesn't know. Hello? Wedding ring off. What's his buns? Just hears the word pineapple and, like, hides his wedding ring in his fucking pants.

Pants. So then, Luke... So basically, they go to get their rooms, and Zach gets the presidential suite. And he's like, oh my god, Mr. Presidente, am I right? Heck yeah. Make America gay again, am I right? Party. You guys...

I got the presidential suite, but it's like Kristen's truck, but like I don't want to give it to her now because then they'll be like, "Oh my god, why are you giving it to us? Am I getting engaged engaged engaged? So maybe I'll do it later." That's like so fun. Me and Benji are gonna go play in the shower. Bye. Kristen, I'm so sorry that we're taking the presidential suite when you're about to get engaged. Oops, did I say that part out loud? Seriously? Here's some cheesecake. You heard nothing.

Yeah. So Luke gets pissed. He's like, what is Zach even doing? Why didn't he give me the presidential suite right away? Luke's such a fucking baby. Oh, my God. So he's like sulking about that. So everybody goes to their room. But then we find out that the presidential suite is not just Benji and Zach's. It's also Jesse's. So they have to share this two-room presidential suite with only one bathroom. Oh, my God.

I know that was some, that was some good producer manipulation right there. That is a strange, strange choice by them, but I love it. So then, um, uh, Michelle is talking with Aaron. She, they're in the room and she's like, do you want some champagne? My love Rob's favorite vintage over here. Rob Reiner. That is. And Aaron's like, yeah, I feel like I can breathe now. It's like, Oh, you can feel like you can relax. And he's like, yeah. After seeing Jesse just being in the same room. Whoa.

His eyes are just popping out. He's like, oh, my God. Like seeing Jesse there. He was in the same room. Thank God I can breathe now. Oh, my God. That was terrifying. And she's like, I think it is good, you know, that you didn't even talk to each other. And he goes, well, you know, he's going to be in our lives. So, like, I don't know, like maybe one day we could do like a family trip or something. She's like, no, that's I don't I don't know about this. Yeah.

you could do a family trip if you just all want to have a terrible time and, you know, traumatize your daughter, but I don't recommend it. So then we go over to Jason and Janet and Jason is saying, you know, like, you know, me and Danny, like my only thing is that that's making me awkward. And it's that sort of stuff relationship, but you know, after a squash, it'll be good. And you know, it's going to be up to the four of us. So if you want to make good with Nia, you should probably do that because this is really tense for me. So then they go to the pool and everyone's, everyone's up in the pool and excited. But he's like, yeah,

Okay, tequila. 1 o'clock, 2 o'clock, 3 o'clock, tequila floor. Did I do that one right? I don't know. So Jason and Danny are talking, and Jason, they're like, wow, we're men. So it's like crazy how men can just get along, right? Yeah, bro. But the chicks gotta get along, too. Let's call them over here. Hey, Danny. I mean, hey, Nia. Hey, Janet. Come on over here. Let's have a talk. Let's chop it up, as they say. Come on. We can do it. So they come over, and...

And now we have to have couple versus couple talk. So Nia has shown up not giving a fuck today. She is not gonna let this girl get away with anything in Nia's way, which I appreciated. So Danny's like, you know, Jason and I, we had lists. We put our hands on each other's nuts and those lists are cleared and so are my nuts.

So ladies, you guys should talk. And Jenna's like, okay, well, I do want to apologize for getting so angry and coyote ugly. It's just like an icon of reality television being inside another icon of reality television. It was just like, it was combustible. I did it for the audience. So I'm really sorry, Mia.

And Nia's like, oh, really? You got drunk that early in the night? And it's like, yeah, I just had too much to drink. I just had a lot to drink. She goes, that early in the night? Oh, yeah.

It was a good one from Nia. Nia's not known for her zingers. And she got her. I mean, Janet, the crux of all this, where things really went sour between you guys, was you accusing Danny of having a drinking problem. And so the way you started your big apology as saying you got drunk, you've got to come up with a better excuse than that.

So Janice like, yeah, I literally those margaritas and shots. It just goes over Jan's head, by the way, when he is saying, yeah, literally those margaritas and shots, they were so strong and I should have never yelled at you. Did I enjoy it? Yes, but I should never have done it. And you know what? I deserve every bit of that. Fuck you. I'm sorry that I said it. It's okay. It was totally deserved. I made a great TV moment.

It was deserved, she said. So Danny is like, well, I want to apologize to you too because at bridge opening, you know, we had some cocktails and I never should have brought up what I was trying to bring up in that environment. I just, I hate that that happened. And she's like, well, I can totally forgive you because like I'm human and I know what I did was not right. So let's just all be forgiving. I'm Janet, a good person now. I'm a good person today.

Yeah. So basically they have an uneasy truce. Like it's funny. Everyone's like smiling. Nia is still has a rageful look on her face, but they're all just going to sort of like move forward slowly. And Nia is just going to be just very tentative and careful with Janet.

So then the producers asked only when the whole cast is there, she needs an audience to do it. So for now, when everybody's private, she's always very sorry. She's kind of Lala in that way. Like when you get Lala one-on-one on these shows, she's always like, Oh my God, you're right. I'm so sorry. And then when it gets public, that's when it comes out, you know? Yeah. So then, um, uh,

Meanwhile, the producer's asking Jesse how he feels about Aaron being on the trip. And he's like, you know, I've had some issues with Aaron. He starts dating my still wife with four-year-old daughter. And I'd expect a man to call me up and say, listen, I'm spending a lot of time with your daughter. Do you have any boundaries? It would never happen. I don't think that is a standard practice.

when people are separated that the new person calls up the X and it's like, how do you, what are the boundaries I should have with your daughter? I don't think that's normal. And I don't think anyone would want to call Jesse cause he's a monster. So no, that's not going to work that way. Because by the way, did Jesse put that obligation on the girl from orange County to call it Michelle? Cause I don't think, I don't think he did.

Well, she did call her and threaten her with lawsuits, I think. Oh, that's nice. At least she's trying to communicate. So then we go back to Benji and Zach floating in the pool and Benji is eating a pineapple out of a pineapple. And Zach's like, oh my god, you're eating pineapple out of a pineapple? That is like so incestuous. Yeah.

Yeah. And then Luke and Kristen, Luke is like, he's nervous. He's nervous because the engagements could be tomorrow. And he's like, he's looking for his wallet. And he's like, oh my God, I can't find, I'm not in a good mood. I'm not good. Same reason, same reason about grandma. And he's saying how his emotions are all over the place, but he can't tell Luke

kristen why that he's really nervous so he just sort of like sort of goes off in a tizzy and she's kind of being a dick instead he's like i can't talk about this to kristen stop talking to me kristen she's like but what's wrong don't you want to talk about it he's like no don't talk about it with me do you want to go in private it's like no we'll talk about it let her do something no just leave me alone kristen so now she's like oh my god we're breaking up

yeah so then um now everyone is getting ready for dinner they're gonna have a big dinner and leading up to this dinner I'd like to add that the trailer from last week was like Jesse sitting down with Aaron and being like were you having sex with my wife when we were still together and then like 15 minutes into the show coming up were you having sex with my wife while we were still together and then like

10 minutes left in the show coming up were you having sex with my wife while we were still together so we're like okay here comes the big confrontations they all get ready for dinner they're all getting ready they show up and jesse's sitting there and he's like looking at aaron and he's fuming and we see a montage of aaron being around and like aaron having comments about how isabella should be raised and aaron saying this and aaron saying that and jesse's getting mad and then it goes

Two hours later, did you or did you not cross a line when I was married to Michelle? Emotional, physical, in any way, did you cross a line? And once again, we see Aaron's eyes bug out and then it's to be continued. I'm like, you can't,

You tease this moment like five different times and then the moment actually arrives and it's just a teaser for next week. So you tease the teaser. I was so mad. Yeah. Well, that's how it goes. They don't have much, you know, so they got to keep it. They got to keep it going, especially with Janet and Nia just deciding, okay, we're not going to fight anymore. It's like, okay. And Jax isn't here for everybody to accuse of stuff. So I guess they got to make it last. Is next week the finale? Did they say next week's the season finale?

No, they didn't. I think we're going to have a few episodes worth. I think, well, they, we didn't even get to see what next week is. I don't know if next week is the actual engagement or we still have to see the scene of Luke in the bed being like, what a

that they've been showing on the trailers for the past like you know 10 months so we have to have luke having his breakdown we have to have the engagement we have to have britney having a fight on the boat when she has a sailor cap on there's like a lot of ground that we have to cover on this trip if they even show it because you know bravo we'll put shit in a preview and then just pretend it never happened so that's true too who knows well this was fun um uh we will be back tomorrow with some next gen nyc all right everybody go enjoy your life we'll talk to you tomorrow love you guys

Bye. Bye.

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