#2907 Below Deck S12E05: Curl, Interrupted
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Watch what happens when there's so much that happens.

Hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker and joining me is the glorious and joyful Ronnie Karam. Hi, Ronnie. How's it going? Hi. So good. How are you?

I am so good. We are here today to talk Below Deck. And just an FYI, we are taking next Monday off. So or next and next Tuesday. So we won't have a Below Deck recap next week, but we'll be back with Below Deck in two weeks. But just give me a heads up. So you're not like, wait, where's the Below Deck recap? So we're not going to have Miami this week. So I guess we should announce that now. So people aren't like, where's Miami? What the hell? There will be no Miami this week.

You know, it sucks to take shows off. We don't even like doing it. We're like, how are we going to take a break but still do all the seven shows or eight shows or whatever we're doing? We're not. We're just going to cut some. Unfortunately, part of taking a break is taking a break.

And unfortunately, Miami is, yeah, we're not going to record on Thursday. So we're sorry. And we hate to do it to Miami because we want to just support Miami with all our heart. But we'll check in next week and sort of catch everyone up with what we missed, etc. But yeah, so that's the news about Below Deck. And, you know, come join us on Patreon, patreon.com slash watch what happens to watch on video. Hi, crap is on demand.

So let's figure out what I've done to my shaving. I'm trying to figure out how to shave a beard and I can't shave it right. So then I ended up having to shave it off because it was all uneven. But then I just use like a rag, like not a blade, but like a shaver. And then I left some long hairs that are hitting my lip and they're making me freaking crazy.

Maybe you should go to a barber and like, no tips. I'm not going to do that because I'm an, I'm a bald person. And one good thing about being bald is not having to pay barbers. I'm going to watch it. It's a one time, a one time barber things that way teach Amanda fish, teach Amanda fish.

You know, don't just buy the fish. Learn to fish with your beard. Okay. Get a professional to show you how to make a nice beard and then you can always make yourself a nice beard. I'm finding a professional on TikTok. That's where I get my therapy now. That's where I'm going to get my hair trimming stuff. I don't know. I tried to learn how to give myself a fade on TikTok and YouTube and it did not work. So, you know.

But, you know, beard is much more manageable. Yeah, beard is much more manageable than doing a fade in a mirror, like when you're looking behind your head and trying to fade things and blend, and you're like, I don't know what I'm doing. Yeah, that's a lot. Yeah, it's hard. Anyway, the point is, today is Below Deck, okay? And also, Love Island is over on Patreon as well as our videos. Okay, let's get into it. Okay, previously...

Kyle is having trouble managing his team. Okay. You know what? Frank and Fraser and Damo kissed and so did Carl and Selene. Okay. Everybody's kissing. That's it. That's what's going on. A lot of kissing. A lot of kissing. Um, so for those people who are interested in that, I'm excited for you cause you're getting a lot of great content for people like me who just like to see people struggling with their jobs. Um,

a little disappointed. I feel like we're just fast forwarding over chargers. Now this, the second charter in a row that they just zipped over an entire day. I mean, these are not the most compelling guests, but why are we spending so much time watching Kyle and Saline flirt when we could be watching rainbow having another meltdown about streaks on a mirror? Like, I don't understand why they're doing this to me. Well, it's so weird that you feel like that. Cause you love love Island so much.

you know, but I guess that that show knows it's lane, you know, that's what that show is. I'm tuning in. When I tune in for love Island, I'm tuning in for love Island content. When I tune into below deck, I'm tuning in for Windex content and I'm getting love Island content. It's not right. It's fighting, not making out.

Okay. Yes. So, um, Celine is like, Oh, very good jacuzzi last night. I told you, how do you want the bed? I do bed how you want. You tell me how you want to behave. So good. And Kyle's like, good, but it could have been better. And Kyle's saying, Oh, it's been a year since I've been disinterested. You know why it's been a year? Cause here's what Kyle does in his downtime. He goes to a bar in a kilt and get shit faced and possibly makes out with other dudes.

That's all he does. He's a fall down alcoholic. The only time he's sober enough to even flirt with a girl is when he's filming this show. That's correct. So then Carrie is like, good morning. All right, we're going to leave at 10 a.m. sharp for brunch because don't forget, I'm taking you all to brunch because the guys didn't pay you any tip money. So I'm going to take you get some French toast and some eggs to make up for the, you know, $300 that you didn't get.

So Fraser's like, oh, Damo, I just remembered we made out last night. You did not just remember. Okay. You still got your penis in your hand from last night. And he's like, oh, yeah, yeah. It was a patch. We had a patch last night. And he's like, but I told my boyfriend I wouldn't do that. Okay. Do you even believe he has a boyfriend? I don't know. I think he's less. Yeah. Does it even count if it's five? You've seen each other five days in a year. No, that's not right.

Do I think I cheated? Absolutely not. It would not bother me if my boyfriend was like to make out with one of the straight man friends. I mean, if it was another gay man, fine. I get it. Because I would be the one who's most disgusting in that trio there. But it wouldn't be that cool. It wouldn't be cool. That said, my boyfriend and I's schedules haven't been compatible and it's been a bit tough. So then we see Selene fall down the stairs for the third time this season. I don't understand why she has so much trouble just...

doing the last five stairs like normal stairs. Like, why does she just feel the need to throw herself off the staircase into the wall every single time she goes down that staircase? Also, why are her ankles made out of, like, rubber and she never gets hurt? When I hurt my back, like, literally sitting down the other day. I sat down to watch TV and I was like, out my back.

And I also want to know how Selene's ankles are made out of rubber and she doesn't ever get hurt. Like, I hurt myself literally sitting down to go to the bathroom, like, two weeks ago. I sat down and I was like, I'm back! And it's been hurting for two weeks. And meanwhile, this dumbass is, like, flinging herself downstairs and she's fine. What the hell? Yeah, I just, I don't understand why she can't.

just go down those last four or five stairs like a normal human being like i don't know why she flings herself off and into that hallway wall every single time i just don't know like she's just so eager to get off the staircase that she's like i'm willing to risk paralysis just to get off these steps but those are spiral staircases right that's a spiral staircase right

Isn't that one kind of spiral? Because that's what it is. Because I used to have one of those, and I slept in, like, the little loft. And everyone was like, don't do that, Ronnie. You're going to fall. And I was like, no, I'm not. If I have to pee in the middle of the night, you just come down the – it's easy. It's like a little staircase. I slid down that thing every fucking day because, you know, it doesn't make any sense. It's like going in a curve. And then I would slide down and –

I don't know. I was raised with a spiral staircase. We have a little loft in this house and that was where the TV was. And I, I would go for, for maybe 30, 40 years, I went up and down that spiral staircase without any issue. And, and,

But I also feel like, I don't know if this is a correct assumption, but I feel like because Selene is French, she should be extra good at a spiral staircase. I feel like it just feels like something that French people are really good at. I feel like there's a lot of cathedrals in France that probably have a lot of spiral staircases going up the spires. I just think it's in French blood to be able to do a spiral staircase. I'm like Spirits in general.

you know, or like uneven streets. Yeah. I feel like, I feel like you're right. French people should have a stronger gate than the rest of us. French people should just really know how to do a spiral staircase. I just, I think it's just like part of their DNA. Yeah. Yeah. I agree. Get it together. French people.

French people are great. It's the land who's not like living up to her heritage. Like it's like her saying like, I can't really tell the difference between cheeses or, you know, wine is like whatever to me. Like, are you even French if you don't like cheese, wine or spiral staircases? Yeah. Yeah. Just give up your citizenship already. So lane.

Yeah. So I don't know what they call it in France. I'm guessing it's not ice because they don't like giving you ice. Right. But just get rid of your citizenship. So lame. Okay. If you can't come down the spiral staircase, you're done here.

So Damo is telling us that they're going to St. Bart's for brunch. So he's talking about how it's super ritzy. And he's like, but don't worry. He's like, I don't need to dress like a wanker to be a wanker here. I'm like, yeah, I wouldn't be too worried about how you're dressing based on what everyone else is wearing, including K.O., who's in just like a stringy tank top.

And then they are. One is expecting anything from the men on below deck truck. The women go like they're being nominated for an Oscar award every time they go out to eat and the men just go on board shorts, you know, a stained t-shirt and that's it. I also like, I'm going to pull up my calculator for this cause I need to do a, I need to do a last minute calculation to make this, this point here. So the, the gays tipped, um, what, like 19,000, right? Which is like $10 short of 20.

Okay, well, I'm going to say $19,000. And this episode, they got tipped around $28,000. So that's basically like a $10,000 difference. $10,000 divided by how many people? About nine people.

That's about a, everyone missed out on about a thousand dollars worth of revenue. So I just love that's like, well, you all didn't get a thousand dollars worth of tip money, but you're going to, you're going to get a free omelet. Enjoy. That's basically what this brunch is about. We're making it up to you with an egg and a bagel. So, but it's in St. Bart's. So it's a fancy egg. Okay.

So Fraser, you know, really leaning into being a good leader. He's like, all right, why don't we go around the table and say one thing we hate about each other? Go. Okay, I'll start. I'll start with everybody. And my answer is everything. All right, Selene, go ahead. Wait, I'd like to add something. You're absolutely disgusting. You're hideous. I don't even know why you're here. I can't even bear to look at you. Okay, that was for me. Now everyone else go on. It's your turn.

So, Selene points to Barbara and she goes, "You, you so bitch. You so bitch." And she's like, "No, I don't hate anything about you." And I love that these two found a friendship. - Out of nowhere. - God damn it. I love it.

Where did it happen? They were bickering so much, then suddenly they love each other. And Rainbow's just watching. And she's jealous because Rainbow doesn't know how to connect to other women or other people or vacuum cleaners. And she's like, well, I personally find it hard to connect with girls in general because all I want to do is just grab them by the hair and just slam them into some dirt on an island in the middle of Holland. So connecting with these girls is just kind of tricky. It's just a little triggering because I've had two older sisters and

You know, we all volunteered as tribute that one time and we heard the cannon go off and we're like, OK. And, you know, some some had to slur it through. But that's just what you have to do. We win the trophy. Right. Yeah, it really does hurt a little bit on the inside, mostly because of my sisters would knee me in the ribs so I wouldn't get bruised. So, yeah, it hurts. Everything affects me. I'm just trying not to let it show. Does it show? It does show. And any girl who says they can't get along with other girls, I'm on the other girl's side.

So automatically on the side of your sisters, because the other girls are not the problem on this boat, ma'am. You are. Now that's being said, you're not even that much of a problem, Rainbow. I like Rainbow. I think Rainbow's kind of cool. You know, she's just her dad made her fight her sisters in like a cage fight. You know, what do you expect from her? Yeah, she just I think she's in her head too much. But like, how do I relate to other women? And we see her over the course of the episode, right?

trying to apply techniques she's seen on like tv like oh i noticed that this person behaves in this way so i will behave in that way she's sort of like robotic like this is this should work yeah it's like very dexter like serial killer like kind of mimicking uh normal behaviors or what whatever she considers to be normal behaviors yeah she does a lot of like oh my god girl can i just hug you and give you kisses which you know if you're watching love island that's what they do but if

If you're watching, I don't know, Orange is the New Black, that's not what they do. And she's more Orange is the New Black. Well, it's just like her attempts at girly affection towards her lady friends is...

not really earned. She just sort of declares it like, Oh my God. And the other person's like, we don't have that relationship. So this is weird. You know? Yeah. She's trying to be like fun girly, but it comes off as like sexual harassment in the workplace a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. Um, and her name is rainbow spelled wrong. So it's like, it makes it worse. You know, it's like, I got, you know, I got touched by my boss, rain, be out.

It's not going to hold up well in court is what I'm saying. Everybody's going to be confused. They're going to put you in jail for spelling your name wrong. Yeah.

That's the worst kind of jail. Spelling jail. Spelling jail. Well, I mean, Selene's going to spiral staircase jail, so. No one would convict Selene of anything. And that's the thing that I think makes people like Rainbow crazy. It's like, how does she get away with it? You know, her eyebrows are weird and nobody says anything to her. But Rainbow just has like a certain je ne sais quoi. Yeah. Yeah.

So Rainbow asks Keo about his family and he's like, oh, well, my sister's in Spain and my dad is moving to Spain because Brazil is a fucking jungle, man. And they're like, really? He's like, yeah, I mean, if you're a tourist, it's the best fucking country in the world. But if you're a citizen, it's shit. And then the tile of photos comes up and it's a Keo segment. And he's like,

Social time is the last thing on my mind right now. The job is not flowing yet, but adjusting to the style that we have on this boat with the captain, there's just like a long way to go. And my job is just on the line and I really care about it. It's a stressing time. Hair, hair, hair. Hair, hair, hair. And then we just go back to the brunch. I don't understand. Squint into the camera. Hair, hair, hair. Squint. Hair, hair, hair.

I think I'm going to need the post-production department just to chillax a little bit. Anytime someone speaks, if I think they bring up all these photos and the big thing on my screen that's like, and then they speak for three seconds and then we go back to the scene, it just is so over the top. I think we can just go back to the way it used to be, which is that people just talk normally. I think this is too much. I'm trying too hard to make it seem exciting.

I think if you have people with like more fascinating Instagrams, it would be okay. But this is like the below deck cast and their Instagram. It's like, wow, Kyle in board shorts. Wow. Kyle in board shorts again. Oh my God, you guys, it's Kyle on a cliff in board shorts. You guys, it's Kyle looking, it's Kyle squinting with hair.

I also don't understand how every time they talk about their childhood, we see photos of them when they were like four years old. And it always looks like it's 1973. I'm like, half these people were born in like 2001, 2002. Why are the photos such poor quality? You guys were born when the iPhone like 12 was out.

I don't even want to hear it from you. Although I do blame that on fucking Instagram filtering. Cause you remember when everybody used to use filters on every pick to make it look like it was 1970. Yeah. And it had like an automatic frame on it. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, it's ridiculous. These photos, I'm like, I'm looking at a picture of my grandma Sally over here, and that was taken in like 1948, and it's like better quality than half the below deck pictures. I swear to God. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappin's commercial. We acting bad, bad, bad, bad. We ain't trying to hurt nobody. For decades, he was untouchable. I've gone from Harlem to Hollywood.

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So Fraser's like, so guys, did we have fun last night? And Damon's like, I had a great time. I can imagine. Wait, I just remembered that we had a fun time. I definitely was not thinking about it all this time. And Barbara's like, yeah, you guys should kiss again, just for safety. He's like, I'll do that. If I'm ever on the phone to my boyfriend, though, we don't mention it. Because baby girls, baby boys, are we ready to go? Just don't mention it. We're going to go because mommy's ready to spendy spendy.

So they go do some high-end shopping, and Carrie's like, Debt crew, we're going to try to make a three o'clock bridge. We've got to double time. I want marching. I want docks. I want ropes that come out of boats with hefty things at the end in case we crash into things. You got it? I want adventure. All right, we've got to hit the ground running. Well, swimming. Well, if we're swimming, I guess we're fucked, aren't we? If we're swimming...

We're going to hit the water running, but we're going to be hitting the water swimming. But you can't be swimming right now, so you should be at the water boating. You get what I mean. I'm getting lost in the metaphor. Anyway, K.L., you've got something to say? And he's like, yes, can I? Because they're all back on the boat. He's like, can we bring everything in? Can I bring the tender in? Yeah, I mean, dude, that's what I said downstairs. Remember I said bring the tender in? We don't have time to be discussing these three times, okay? Let's roll. Let's roll. Let's roll. Damn it, I did it three times again.

So, Selene is talking to Fraser, and she's like, can I tell you something? I kissed Celeste yesterday, but when we were kissing, I felt...

And she hits a big flashlight that's hanging on the wall. And she's like, so now I feel, oh, so now you want his dick is basically what you're trying to say to me. That's a yes, is it? And she's like, we, we, we, we'll show. It's like, OK, cast off slut. Go to work and never come back. So then anchor is rising. We're going to send all team.

And so Rainbow is trying this, like, super nice girly thing now, which we were talking about earlier with Soleil. And she's like, do you have any questions, my love? And she's like, no. Can I have a hug? Can I just have a hug from you? She's like, okay, I hug you. Okay, you are hugging very hard. Very hard. You're hugging me very hard. How? How are you hurting me? I cannot breathe. Oh, my God. I'm suffocating in French. I'm suffocating in French. Okay.

I'm just feeling so alone, sort of like how I sat on that little island in the lake for three days waiting for my father to fetch me while my sister's dying corpse was at my knees. And I can just get very emotional, and I know that about myself. I think I'm just a hard person. And then they show flashbacks of her going nuts, culminating, of course, in the clip they're going to show all season, which is her having a pad attack with the vacuum. Ha ha ha ha!

I mean, you can't really control how other people feel about you. So you just got to keep on trying. And, you know, I'm just doing my best. And Selene's not falling for it. She's like, eat this fake. Eat this fake. I don't like it.

So she's, Rainbow's like, okay, Celine, I just need the fitted sheet. The elastic, is this the elastic sheet? The fitted one. The one with the mixed circle, which one is this fitted? How's it fit like that?

Who makes trying on for sheet? Does it do it itself? Do beds change size or why they need to size to fit it? Why you need to measure a bed? - It's the fitted sheet, it's the fitted sheet, Zola. Just get the fitted sheet, please. - Say it again. - Fitted. - Fitted. - Fitted. - Fitted sheet. - Fatted. - Fitted sheet. - Fatted sheet. - Fatted sheet. - Sheet is fat. - It's a sheet that fits on things. - We're fat shaming the sheet now, huh? That's not nice.

I don't like. She called shit fat. She called shit fat. I don't like it. You do it. You do it, fat shame of shit. You do it, fat shame of shit. I'm done here. Goodbye. Goodbye.

That makes you fat. The shit made fettuccine. So she literally says fettuccine. And Rimbaud's like, fettuccine? She's like, yes or no? Have it or no? Have it or no? You have fettuccine or no? Why are we talking? You got fettuccine? Put fettuccine for me.

all right all right everyone we're gonna approach the worst bridge in the entire world so everyone get ready we're gonna put some fenders out which is a pretty standard practice you know i don't think anyone ever really misses up it's just fenders fenders go off the side of the boat i think i've been watching a lot of below deck and i don't think in any season no one has ever messed up the simple rule of putting a fender out on the side of a boat okay let's get through this this is so funny they just like kind of put one fender a little bit over like

Are you working on the bangs of the boat? Are we trying to style this, Matt? It's like a small little braid. It's like when the fenders come out, it's like they do little braids on the boat. You know, like when... Like, I remember in middle school, the white girls would always go off to the Caribbean. They'd come back after spring break. They don't have their braids. I'm like, oh my god, I want that carapace on. And it's like, that's what happens to the boat when they put the fenders out. It comes out with braids. It went on spring break.

And then, but this case, they did like the one little small braid. Like it wasn't as long as the others. And it's like, okay, whatever. I didn't get to go on that trip because, you know, I didn't have the money. And also I was working at the bowling alley at the time because child labor.

But my friend came back with those braids and she's like, do you want me to do them for you? Because I learned how to do them in St. John. And I was like, yeah, fuck yeah. And cause I had long hair at the time. And so she did my braids like that. And she used these big, um, colored, uh, rubber bands on my hair. And my mom would not go to a restaurant with me. She's like, you're staying in the car. You look idiotic. I refuse to take you out in public until you take those things out. Yeah.

Oh my God. You're like, my name's Emily now. Like what? Well, I got braids on spring. I'm really living. And my dream is to start a theater in a tent on St. John, which I've never been to, but I've heard is amazing. So we work for tips basically. So,

So now they're approaching this bridge and it's the usual chaos because no one's communicating and Kerry's losing his mind. Everyone get into position. All right, all right. I got a swing. Okay. Watch my swing. Okay. Okay. Okay. Watch my swing. Watch my swing. And Kerry's like, what did he say? Watch my swing. Where is it? Where's the chaos? I need you to talk on the radio. Say something. And Kerry's like, uh, my name is Luca. No, K.O. I live on the second floor. K.O. Come on. What's our distance?

I live upstairs from you. K.O. Call a distance. I guess you've never seen me before. K.O. Enough, Susan Vega. Get to work. So then he's like, oh, could you repeat that, please, Captain? He's like, oh, fucking idiot. I'm turning the boat. Okay, I need you to come watch my swing. What's my project? What's my projected swing, K.O.? And Fraser just looks out the window and he's like, well, this is not going very well, is it?

Like, we're towing, we're towing, we're about to hit the dock. He's like, 20 meters to the dock. I mean, two meters. I mean, one meter, 0.5, smurf.

And then Kerry's like, wait a second, what's this fucking fender doing here? It's not the right height. The fender's just at the top. It's just on the edge. It hasn't even gone over it. The fender's like, I'm sorry. I'm just not really comfortable going over the side of this boat right now. Why have we got tiny bangs on the fender? Why have we got tiny bangs on the boat? Come on, someone fix the goddamn bangs on the fender. You cannot just grow out bangs.

Listen, listen, what I say is this boat needs to have fender bangs like it's a burlesque dancer. Okay, severe and long. Get to it. So that was a fuck up, but they made it. You know, they made it.

So, all right, Kaio, Kaio, get over here. We've got to talk alone. There's some things that happened here, and they were on you, mate. Now, listen, I don't care if your name is Luca. I don't care if you're from the second floor. You've got to pay attention, all right? He's like, um, okay. And Kaio just gives him that squinty, confused look. It's like eyes are squinting but wide open, and he's looking around like, mm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I'm nodding my hair at you, so consider yourself hair-nodded.

Now, I shouldn't have to ask three times what the fuck's going on behind me. Well, all right. Well, I'll say it again. I shouldn't have to ask three times for what the fuck's going on behind me. What I'm trying to say is I shouldn't have to ask three times. Three, I got it. Fender. Fender. Fender. I got it. Three. This fender here was sitting too high. So if I were to smack that dock with the fender up, it would have been my fault. So your fault. So my fault. My fault. Your fault.

And then a lot of other people's faults. And guess what? San Andreas fault, my fault. So I've got to have someone in place that doesn't make errors like that, okay? And because you're so inept and you're so terrible and you're so clearly not supposed to be on this boat, I'm going to give you one more chance. One more charter. And my eyes are going to be on you. Thank you so much. I just wanted to say one thing before I go. 20 meters. 20 meters. All right. It's a little bit too late, mate. We've got to pass the bridge. 20 meters. 20 meters.

All right. Safety is first. All right. Period. All right. I want period safety. If you're on your period, please be near a floating device.

That's it. He's got one last chance of going into this charter. He's got to pull a rabbit out of the hat to stay in the vessel. No, I didn't mean that literally. You could put the actual, I don't know where you got that rabbit from, K.O. It's the one time you actually do the thing that I said. Lara is sitting somewhere watching this at home like, oh, finally, my skills are appreciated. A true magician in a bunny costume. Lil is watching also from somewhere on Long Island being like, ah.

So I wanted to be able to do that trick. Pull back to Summer House Lil. Anyway, so I was like, okay, everyone. So I just spoke to Cap and we need to think about what we can do better. And I need you guys to use your brains and not just follow orders. So that Fender, that one was high. Who suggested that? Jess is like, me. Okay, okay. I was okay with it because of the bridge. It makes sense. But then you would have to lower it. And if I wasn't for that, it wouldn't have happened. So you have to be better because I'm the one who's getting yelled at right now.

Yeah, but it wasn't only the Fender, sir. Like, you had him hitting the doc. That's not good. I mean, come on. It's not all Jess. Although, I still don't understand the high Fender. And so Jess is mad now. She's like, this is bullshit. I'm tired of K.O. spreading the blame on everybody else because, like...

what you see from a leader you know you want them to take responsibility i'm sorry what kind of leaders have you grown up around because i've never seen leaders take responsibility for the whole point of being a leader is to blame other people yeah exactly do you have those do you have american news where you are no i was like i was like should i take it there should i be political

I mean, just in general, it doesn't even matter what side you're on. I mean, just in general, the whole point in leading the country is to blame somebody else for whatever's going on, you know? So now it's time for the preference shoot meetings. So Kerry's like, all right, everyone, we've got a family coming on board, a husband, a wife, two adult sons, primary's brother coming. And I'll just tell you this right now, they're so boring, we're going to fast forward over most of their chat again, two in a row. All right, you ready for this?

I'd like to announce this. Ronnie sat down, watched this eagle-eyed, even took a few notes, does not remember one person from this family. Right. So, good luck. Jack Finn is our primary. Oh, wait, Fraser, why don't you say this part? Jack Finn is our disgusting primary, and he sold his engineering firm and is now reveling in retirement with boundless leisure, unlike me, who still must answer to some nebulous boyfriend that exists somewhere in the world. And he also owns a sailboat.

You know that they write their own bios because this one's ridiculous. Stability's engineering firm is now reveling in retirement. Really? Really, Jack Finn? That's what she wrote? So Carrie's like, all right, now look at Darlene. She broke her room. Hell skiing. Hell skiing. Hellie skiing. What the fuck is that? Skiing helicopters, I take it. Fucking ridiculous. She's lucky she didn't break her neck. What?

She just got out of a cast and they're having a 25th anniversary of their first date. So two beach excursions on this trip. The first day they're going to go to Mullet Bay where Ben Mandelker had a cherished childhood memory in first grade. And we're going to have a beach party and there's a volleyball court there. And the following day we're going to go to Anguilla and they're going to want to do a full moon party. I just want to make sure everyone hears this so that way people know what this show is going to fast forward over. All right.

Right, now the husband is a kind of a wacky guy. He wants you to fly over Anguilla in a helicopter and have the helicopter say something like, I won, stupid.

And then his wife can just cry and cry and cry. With a full moon out. I mean, nothing like losing while your full ass is pointing up at the sky in Anguilla, am I right? In the afternoon, they like a beach setup where they can eat lunch and have a competitive game of beach volleyball. Oh, I love beach volleyball against the yacht crew. I'm like, I don't.

I don't. I don't like competition against the crew. What everybody loves on a luxury vacation. Dilly-dallying with poor people. Socializing with the help. So Kyle tells Celine, he's like, you look beautiful, by the way. She's like, oh, thank you. It's because my dress is very short. And also, if I don't feel very good about myself, I stand next to Sheet because Sheet is fat.

This is what I hear. So I always look still next to fat sheets. It is okay to bully sheets. You know that, right? So, yeah, it looks beautiful. So have you ever fell in love or fell down staircase? He's like, yes, a couple of times for both. Yeah. How about you? Two times was staircase. Now it's just today. Then three times yesterday, but also love. Okay.

Oh, yeah, two times for me too. Yeah, it's the worst. It's the best and the worst is love. So then she talks about being in love and how she was in love when she was 22. And she's like, he left me four times in two years. And all the time I fell in love deeper and deeper and deeper. So all the time, worse and worse and worse and worse. My dad took me to emergency because I was so sad I stopped eating. And I couldn't, I couldn't eat. I couldn't eat, not even, what do you call, fattuccini? I don't know. I would rather have someone break my finger than break my heart.

Yeah, she's like, "I was opposite of selfish when I was younger, but then I learned to be selfish, so now I'm selfish." And I say, "No, I don't love y'all!" And then you go to hospital, you don't eat, and then I break your finger. And he's like, "Oh, God, your energy's so hot. I mean, obviously, you're attractive as hell." And she goes, "What do you like on me? You tell me. What do you like on me?" He's like, "Oh, well, you're sexy, you're attractive, your name's not Barbie."

Your father doesn't work for Coca-Cola? God, I'm craving a Coca-Cola right now. I love you, Barbie. Come back to me, Barbie. So they go into the guest cabin and they have sex. So then it's the next morning and people are waking up

And Barbara's like, I want to know how was last night. And Frasier's like, yes, I want to hear all the details quickly. Please. How was your date? She's like, oh, it was nice. It started to rain. And, you know, we got naked. Guest room. You know. And Rainbow's like, oh, my God. Did Selene get naked last night? Girlfriend, tell me everything. Can I get a hug? I just love you. Yeah. And Kyle's like, oh, I got laid last night. She was like, ooh, la la.

Which she was like, ooh la la. So Fraser's like, Selene fucked in the master. And she goes, no, don't say fuck. Don't say this. Oh, sorry. She made sloppy, sloppy love in the cabin. Was it good? Okay. Yeah, fine. Just go. Just go.

Do I think that they're compatible? Absolutely not. But it's about mans and I'm all for it. But I'm going to get Selene cleaning the cabin because I for sure ain't touching shit.

So she starts cleaning, et cetera. And then Anthony calls his mom. And, you know, we hear some Anthony backstory, which is that when I was a kid, I was terrible at school because all the moms, he was like, oh, my kid gets A+, but I do not get an A+. And, you know, my mom had no story to say because I was a loser. So it's adding more pressure to myself because I had bad grades in school. And then this chapter and like every chapter, I feel like I am playing for my life. I am playing for mommy. Yeah.

Yeah. He's really a mess, this guy. He's so insecure. Yeah, he really is. He needs to get tighter pants or something. I don't know. They're already pretty tight, but he needs to get more secure. I mean, come on, Benny. He's like, oh, I'm failure because I was failure in school. Who cares? You can boil an egg. You know what I mean? Sometimes that's all that matters.

So Fraser texts his boyfriend that they need to talk. And so he does. And he's like, long distance is super hard. It's never something I wanted to be in. And lo and behold, it's not working, period. It needed to be done. I've broken up with my boyfriend, everybody. I've broken up with them. I was so impressed. Yeah, seriously. I was so impressed because when Fraser, we see his text message saying we need to talk.

And he goes off onto the dock to talk. And I was like, oh my God, it's gonna be another one of these seasons where someone texts some person who's off camera and the other person guilts them the entire season about their choices. I was like, I don't know if I'm mentally prepared for this. Like this season was going so strongly for me until this episode. And then this episode like leaned into all the things I don't like that Below Deck does.

And I'm like, oh my God, there's already going to be a competition against the crew. There's already going to be, there's already been like a date. I don't know if I'm like ready for like an, like a long drawn out text message argument. And then Fraser comes back. He's like, well, we broke up. It's over. I was like, oh, I don't know that it was really an option. I think Fraser was like, I made out with somebody. And the guy's like, I'm sorry. Who is this? Yeah.

Your boyfriend. I don't have it. You do. All right, look, I'm going to see. Are we on Grindr? Have I ever double tapped you on Grindr? Oh, here you are, Fraser, without an I. Oh, yeah, you're 5,000 miles away from me. So I literally have to pay extra to look at your profile. So, yeah, we're not dating. Oh, and I guess we've broken up. It's over. Yeah.

So, yeah, so that's done, which I'm actually happy for. Good. Moving on. So now the guests come on board and it's the primaries. The lady's like, pardon me, I've got a broken wing. Just got out of a cast. I was heliskiing in Helsinki, too, which was really awkward.

But anyway, broken arm. So they are all nice and hello and everyone's helping with the luggage. And now it's finally time to leave the dock and go out into the open sea. Surely Kea will rise to the challenge.

Oh, so this is the one where they're about to touch the dock. I mean, every docking is hell, but also they're going through that tiny little, you know, opening on the freeway. Stupid bridge. So it's another thing where it's like, all right, all right, ready? Ready? Is everyone ready to communicate? Let's go. All right. Dropping lines, please. All right, Kyle, Kyle. Come on, Kyle. Kyle, are you there? He's like, um, what? Kyle, I need you to talk to me. From a distance. Yes, give me the distance. The world is...

is small and blue. All right. Thank you, Bette Midler. I mean, come on, man. Come on, Kaya. I need to know the distance. All right. Three eggs, toasts, and maybe some hash browns. Kaya, did you go back to the brunch place? Yes. Are you on the boat? No.

All right, all right, all right. What is that? What is that coming up? It's the bridge opening, bro. And Jess is like, oh my God, distance from the bridge is three meters and opening. You're looking at, no, no, no. Distance from the bridge is Bette Midler in World War II with James Caan. What the hell are you talking about? We are exactly four of the boys away from the bridge. What?

We are Otto Titzling Inventor and Laos. What, now you're going to beaches? What is this, General Bette Midler movie day? How far are we from the dark? Omelette. Well, all right, hold on. We are Some Say Love. It is a rose. What? Okay, no more Janis Joplin biopics. Let's just get the distances. Commercials. Here comes one right now.

So they make it, basically. But the captain's like, So then we go to Robert and Barbara talking. And Robert's like, wow, this feels weird. I haven't sat at a bar in forever. And Barbara's like, oh, wow, you don't drink alcohol? And he goes, nah, I'm allergic to it. I break out in handcuffs. Barbara's like, I don't get it. What do you mean?

So Kerry is like, all right. All right. So Jess, what shift are you on? She's like, I'm on deck at eight. Then I go to bed at 12. All right. And when do you get your break? You do get a break, don't you?

Um, KO said that when, if I'm asked this, I should say, give me a break, give me a break, give me a break at that Kit Kat bar. I'm not sure I follow. I no longer want you to quote that moron. All right. Now, how much of a break do you get?

give me a break i sure could use it trying to make it to the top all right all right now carter listen i'm trying to just get around to this how much does kaiosak should i should i fire him right now she's like oh yes definitely he's stupid please inspire him please get rid of him i think she's like i've why are we forgetting that didn't just come on to the boat saying that she normally is a bosun and she took a step down

Or was that Rainbow who took a step down from Chief Stew? No, I think it was Jess. I think it was Jess, yeah. Jess is normally a bosun. I'm like, why are we not having Jess lead this boat right now? She has better ideas than Kao does. So Carrie is like, well, I think he's just out of his depth. It's just a very stressful role. If you haven't had enough opportunity to do this role before, you're not going to survive. Kao, Kao, what are you doing back there? What if God was one of us? On the train like one of us? All right.

all right this is not better than you all right now here's what i'm going to do with you call yo i'm going to give you another chance all right go ahead swim back to shore swim back so now the guests are doing water toys and jess is checking in with um barbara about working with the girls and she's like i love zozo i love zozo and she's like well it's not just so so

And Barbara's like, well, I don't really like work with Rainbow. Well, I don't work with her very much. So who knows about Rainbow, you know? Her name is stupid. And Jess is like, you don't even know her name? Just, yeah. I thought her name was So-So. So, sorry. So then now we hear some Barbara back. So-So.

So she's like, "You know, I don't even remember the last time I was with a gay girl. Like my ex, she was straight and we stayed together for one year and a half and I don't even want to be again." And like one waiting, like the one, I don't want to be the one waiting someone's time anymore. So sometimes you just need, you just feel tired, you know, to be with someone that's not, you know, it's not sure about you. So it's nice that Jess is gay. We have a lot in common. I really like her. I'm like, okay, great. Thanks for the insight. - Meet a real gay person. So nice.

So then Barbara is now talking to a guest and she's like, let me understand something. These are your parents? And she's like, no, no. Okay. The two in the teal, they're brothers. Bobby's my dad. Brett's my brother. The husband's the tall ball guy. Darlene's Jack's wife. Those are her two sons. Oh, I'm so sorry. I asked. This is very, very confusing. Nobody cares. This is a lot. This is a lot for me. Are any of them real gay girls? No? Okay. Then

Then please. I was just making polite chatter. I don't really care who any of these strange people are. I just know they're American and probably stupid. So then Fraser's like, I'm so glad I'm over yesterday. And Rainbow's like, oh, do you feel different? Do you feel single now? Do you feel single now, do you? No. I just feel like if we're ever in the same place at the same time, we're like no longer doing what we're doing. And then it could absolutely work out with, what was his name again, Bert?

Charles. I don't know, whoever that person was on my phone, he was nice and we'll hook up sometime in the future. I'm sad. Of course I'm sad. Obviously, I care about him. I will always care about him.

I haven't imagined life without him going forward. I mean, I saw him five times in one year. Incredibly difficult imagining how I would go on. I was like, wow, Fraser's really trying for a love storyline, but there's nothing behind his eyes at all. He's like, wow, love him so dearly. This is the worst thing that could ever happen to me. Did you know that Damo has his penis pierced? Yeah.

So then, Selena's in the kitchen and she's like, "Ooh, big fish, huh? Kiss him, kiss him." Anthony's like, "Ooh, yes." So Anthony kisses this fish. He's like, "Ooh, salty. Reminds me of my ex-girlfriend. But Kyle, you guys are a couple, husband and wife, boyfriend." And she's like, "Yes, you're crazy." He's like, "He probably wants a relation." She's like, "No, it's too early. I don't really know him and I don't want to put on pressure." He's like, "You're right. Don't rush stuff. If you're not ready for it, especially staircase, take every single step, girl."

There's getting to be a dent in the wall. Okay, yes, me rush never.

So now it's volleyball with the guests. Nobody cares. I'm not going to talk about it. So then Anthony gets the main course ready and Kerry gets a call from his daughter. And he's like, what? What do you want? How many meters are we from the dogs? Like, daddy, I would like help with my homework. And he's like, oh, God. All right. Hit me. All right. What's the capital of Australia? God damn it, girl. Don't you have a chat GPT over there? I'm busy.

It's called Canberra. All right, well, next question. Daddy, I'd like to know, what do you call a herd of kangaroos? Well, it beats me. We'll just call them poops. Okay, Daddy. Just call them kayas, all right? Bunch of kayas, bunch of kangaroo morons, all right, hopping around.

God damn it. You have the internet over there. You're fired. All right. I've got a plane ticket with your name written all over it. You little skank. She did not sound 12, by the way. She sounded like she was a full on adult calling from like a customer service. Like it's like when it's like Kaiser Permanente being like, we'd like to, we'd like you to answer a short survey about your most recent phone phone call with us. Were you satisfied or unsatisfied with your daughter? It's like, say it as far as I suppose.

Extremely unsatisfied. Yeah, I think she just needed some reassurance from her dad because all of these questions she could have just Googled, you know? But she's like, Dad, I need your experience. He's like, oh, I'm busy. But Dad, I just want you to tell me you love me. You know what I love? A proper distance call. All right, got to go, little lame one. Goodbye. Click.

So then Kyle is settling down. He needs to have a break. They're on the beach. He's like, "Can we just sit here in the shade for a minute?"

So Jess is like, oh my god, you still haven't gone on a break? And you know, Kyle, he hasn't been on a break and he's been up since five. And Kyle's like, oh, I'm sorry, we can't have breaks now. Okay? Hair doesn't curl itself on its own. So Jess is like, well, we need to start taking out breaks because we need that structure for our breaks at certain times. For example, when we were eating, that would have been a good time for him to sit down and just let him chill and eat. He's like, okay, yeah, you're right, that's fine.

And I was like, yeah, it's not all right. And she goes, no, it's not all right. You know, I'm really pissed off. I'm starting to think that Kaio is not cut out for this anymore. My respect is declining rapidly. One thing I appreciate is eating, sitting down. As you can see from these 80 clips they've shown in the last two weeks of me doing just that.

So, Kaio does the standard reality star thing, which is, don't put it all out like this. Like, bring me to the side. Especially being in her position. You create tension. It's like a bomb that can explode. You can't throw it like this.

That's all you've been doing, Kaio, is gathering a group together and yelling at them all in public or barking orders in front of guests. And that's totally – when someone does something wrong on reality TV, their deflection is always to say, I mean, tell me in private. Don't humiliate me in front of everyone. I think everyone – I think we just have to start establishing –

that it's okay to be called out in front of other people like that you actually probably deserve it usually if you've done something wrong you deserve to be called out in front of other people i mean public shaming is a thing i think your boss should be you know you're you should like talk to your boss in private i guess right i think if he's if he is telling them what to do in public it's because he's the leader of the group but then if one of them has a problem then she's kind of spreading poison now that said she has told you in private many times that you need to give a break and you still won't listen so maybe she's just doing it in public so you'll be

you'll be getting a little public shame and maybe that'll help because she has tried you in private you know i would agree it's not the most professional thing but she's tried the professional way okay hair yeah i think it's i think it's okay and i think she's like rallying the troops at this point because demo's also like yeah i agree too we need this we need better management etc yeah and he's like it's like bomb that can explode do not throw bomb yeah yeah

So then we go to Jess and Damo talking about how they need more communication. And Kaio's like, yeah, you know, then fine. Then every morning we can talk about breaks. That's what we do. We'll get up, we'll sit around together, and we'll say, what about breaks? Okay, does that sound good? And she's like, actually, yes, that would be great. We could have a deck meeting. He's like, yeah, yeah, we can do that. We can do this meeting every morning, okay?

Because I'm riding on a freeway, a freeway of love and a pink Cadillac. LAUGHTER

Like, oh, God, he's in Aretha again. So then Kerry picks up Anthony from the beach. And so Kerry and Kyle and Anthony are heading back to the boat. But then, like, when the tender gets to the boat, Kyle's, like, not ready with the ropes to tie it onto the boat or whatever. And Kerry's like, all right, where's the preparation? God damn it, man. Come on. When you're unprepared, things go tits up. That's like my daughter with her tests. I mean, ask me questions the night before. You should already know this information. This is so basic to have the lines ready.

This is so not knowing the capital of Australia. God, get me a new daughter. I mean, Bosin.

So Rainbow's like, um, is somebody having trouble communicating? And Fraser's like, yeah, I just think Kaio's just a bit frantic. You know, I don't know what it is, but Kaio's information seems to go one ear and then out of one of his curls. And that's why I get the big bucks, people. Right there. Right there. That's why I'm Chief Stew. That's why I get to be on a panel at BravoCon.

So Fraser's like, all right, everyone, dinner at 8 o'clock. What's the menu? It's like, oh, it's going to be... And they tell the menu, it's going to be all this stuff. And the captain is going to be joining. So Fraser, of course, is happy to remind him of that many times to make him nervous. So Anthony says, I remember from last year, timing terrible, food disgusting, mommy disappointed, it was cold. So I fed all this person. I'm going to do everything I can to make sure the guests are happy. And the captain's proud of me. Eyebrow check. I'm ready to...

Cut to Jill's Aaron. This is disgusting. I've literally, I'm a rug maker. I've eaten a rug that's tasted better than this food. I mean, absolutely disgusting. Captain, what are you the captain of? Captain of, you know, a sinking ship? Is that what you are? Is this the Titanic? Are we sinking right now? This is absolutely disgusting. Fire him. Here, let me show you how to make a diet coke good.

So then now it's like... You put ice in a cup. You're going to put ice in a Diet Coke. This is how you make a good Diet Coke. Yes, I taught him how to make a Diet Coke.

So Fraser is, now it's like dinner time and the theme is Havana, it's Cuban nights, Havana nights or whatever. So they're all happy and excited. And Fraser comes down into the galley and he's like, this evening, captain's at the table. Don't forget. And he goes, I know, I know, bro. Why are you telling me this? I know already. And he's like, but no pressure, obviously, because we do this together, me and you. I'm

You fail, I watch you and cheer you on and say, fail. And then I say, why did you fail? It's going to be amazing. He's like, I have a lot of shit to do, bro. Okay, can you just let me concentrate on my shit? Fraser's like, no, I totally understand. I just want to make sure that the timing is okay so you don't fail again in front of Captain Kerry like you did last year. No pressure. I cannot be four. I cannot be four eight. We can go at eight, but I cannot be four eight.

I know what I'm doing. So, Fraser, you need to calm down because I need to focus 100%. Fraser, he wants to help me, but you cannot talk to me like this because you're going to have problems together. I'm the fucking boss right now. Actually, mommy is the boss and then I am the next boss. And I am not going to let people shut me down, put me down again. I am an amazing chef and I'm going to show them that I'm a fucking rock star. And soon, mommy gets to tell her friends my son got A-plus in cooking.

Well, I'm just trying to tell you the situation. I mean, there's no stress. I just want you to know if you fail this, you'll never work again. Do you understand? What the fuck are you talking about? No stress. Why you say this to me?

You're like blah blah blah blah blah blah but you don't need to be like that. I'm just trying to tell you I'm here for you when you fail inevitably. Do you understand? Captain is at the table so of course he's distressed. Look at you worrying your shit's not going to be good blah blah blah. We know your shit's not going to be good. Do you understand what I'm saying? We're an audience who's already seen Gone With The Wind just waiting for you to vow not to eat turnips again. Do you understand? That's what I'm trying to say.

I don't understand what Gone with the Wind is, but if it is a Gerard Depardieu movie, I will definitely watch. It's a slightly racist movie that gay people still watch occasionally, alright? You'll get it one day, if you're ever invited anywhere. Which you won't be, because you're going to fail again! But I'll still be your friend. You understand that, don't you? Oh no, mummy, he is getting in my head!

So, yeah. Oh, my God. Fraser's stressing me out, which normally I would get. But I don't think Fraser's really doing anything that bad. Just like, you OK? He's like, how dare you? You're trying to take me down. So actually, dinner is fine. It goes off without a hitch. It's very nice. Yeah. Everything's great. And then my favorite critique is, wow, the Branzino. So tender. Yeah.

Really, Darlene? Does Branzino often have a problem with being tender? I've never had a hard Branzino before, but okay. Well, Darlene's been through a lot, you know, and it is time for Darlene Theater. She's like, well, everyone, I know you've been wondering how I got this little broken wing over here.

Well, we were coming down an icy trail and I went over it and I fell back and I tried to correct by putting my pole down and then I felt my arm behind me and then I literally, then I heard a snap and my arm fell off. I'm not lying. What you're looking at right here, this is a tree branch with nail polish.

A magical snowman came down and kissed a tree branch, and now it's my arm. So I just like to thank that magical snowman. And Jake goes, yeah, that was her arm. That was her arm that snapped. Yeah, Jake, they get it. Okay? They get it. I think, you know, notice how I said I put my arm back there, and then I heard a snap there. They followed it. They knew that that was the arm that snapped. I just want to make sure they knew it wasn't your Farberware porcelain that you brought on the slope. Okay, Jake, everyone knows.

So down in the butler pantry, Celine is like, oh, look, rainbow. You see how the butter now? Look at the butter. It's perfect. I did the perfect butter for you. Do you like? And she's like, you

like you know what i love you i love you so much get over here let me hug your head in my armpit okay yeah i love you so much i know you're not my biggest fan but i sure love you okay such a weird thing to say such a passive aggressive weird thing to do and slain's like well you know sometimes we fight but it works it's normal just well it's not usually like i'm not usually like a girl's girl i'm kind of like a um uh

I don't know, like find a jagged piece of glass and cram it into your neck, girl. But you guys are so nice that I'd rather just we all get along, you know? That's so sad. It's just such a way, that whole thing is such a sad way to phrase something. Like normally I don't like girls, but you guys are nice and it seems like you like each other and I would rather you're nice to me so I don't have to yell at you. So can we just do that?

It's also funny because her saying, I'm not usually a girl's girl is very non-reality star because a lot of female reality stars love to proclaim that they are girl's girls. We see it on Love Island right now. It's like, I'm such a girl's girl. But usually the people who declare that they're girl's girls are not girl's girls. That's why they have to declare it because they're trying to convince themselves and other people that they are despite their own actions. But here she's like, yeah, I'm not a girl's girl.

Yeah, because they have that a lot, right? Like you see it a lot on Big Brother shows like that where people are like, yeah, girls don't like me. So whatever. They're just jealous because I'm so hot. You see in five minutes why girls don't like them because they're vile to all the girls. And that's kind of a rainbow. But rainbow's not your stereotypical one because usually they're like...

kind of bimbo type girls who are like, oh my god, girls hate me because I'm like so hot and they're like so cute around me. Usually it's like women who are like, yeah, usually they're like women who are like vying for male attention and affection and approval and at the expense of other girls, which is why they're not girls' girls. But for Rambo, she's like not a girls' girl because she was literally trained that other girls are threats to her and she has to destroy them and leave them on an island in Holland. They're literally trying to destroy her because their father made them do it.

So, uh, Carrie's like, all right. He's talking to Fraser and I was talking to the guests. He's like, so when I was married, you know, I'd be, I'd be away months at a time with the crew. You know, we'd get to know each other pretty well. My wife would flow in, we'd go out for a crew dinner and, you know, you know, uh, what, what,

what do you like? And one of my crew people would say, Carrie wants this. And the wife's like, no, he doesn't. And then she's like, yes, he does. He likes it. And it's crazy. It's because you work with them. You know, they know you like your wife. So I ended up leaving my wife for the crewmate, actually, which is a good thing. I'm like, this story is so fucked up knowing that he ended, especially when he says it's a female. He's like, yeah. And she knew better than my wife that I liked. I was like, is this the one you left your wife for, sir? Come on now.

Awkward. So that was a lovely story. And as we start our day with a celebration, we're going to end our day with a celebration. Here it is. A red velvet cake. And then Jake is like, that's a cake, honey. Yeah, we know. We know. Thanks for pointing out the obvious again, Jake. Yeah. Appreciate that. And one of the guys is like, are you going to pay for my trainer's extra month that I'm going to need? Oh.

First it's a soft branzino and then a cake, a velvet cake. Are you people kidding? Put a freaking candle on a branzino and call it a day. Am I right? Hold on. Doing some clenches. Clenching my butt. Can you guys tell how to work off these calories? Fraser, I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to eat this. I'm unfortunately allergic to red velvet cake because every time I eat it, I break out in handcuffs again.

I guess it doesn't work as well with red velvet. Okay, I guess it does with alcohol, but...

So Carrie's like, awesome job, Mike. Food came out. Good presentation. He's like, oh, yes, thanks, Captain. Thank you. I did it. Captain Lovett is proud of me. This means so much to me. I win. I win. I'm good again. I'm good again. Nothing can go wrong. They'll be crying next week. There'll be two seconds next week. They'll be like, the guest was allergic to peanuts and you gave him peanut butter toast for breakfast. He's dead now. Dun, dun, dun.

So now it's the second day and they're sort of flying by and Carrie's like, deck time, deck team, are there any guests on the flybridge? And Kayo's like, no guests. I did not realize we have a bridge for the flies. I thought they have wings. Why do they need a fly? No, it's not that. That's not how a flybridge is. Okay, Kayo, just get back to work.

So now people have filet mignon, lobster tail. We're already at dinner again because you're right. They're just fast forwarding through this whole thing. These people do nothing. They had an 830, you know, full moon party. And we just see a little shots of the whole trip that the guests have. And the cinematography of it's great, you know, but yeah,

Apparently really boring because we see nothing. So now everybody goes to bed and it's the next day. And Rainbow sees Selene in the little pantry. And also, I think it's that it keeps happening in the butler pantry, which is really tight anyway. But she keeps coming up to her in there and she's like, good morning, beautiful. How are you? Can I hug you from behind? Do you mind if I give you a little kiss? Kiss on the neck, maybe. Yeah.

Yeah, God, God, normally not a girl's girl, but you taste so good. We're friends, right? I'm a cool girl. Oh, yeah. Tell your friends who are girls. Okay, spread the news. Rainbow's just another kissing girl. Lovely girl.

So, Lane's like, okay. So, she throws herself down the staircase. She's like, Barbara, this morning I was washing dishes and she says to me, hi, babes. And she hugs and kisses it. And Barbara's like, no, I don't like that. I don't like her. I don't know. I don't like that. No, she's stupid. I don't appreciate it. And so, Lane's like, no, she's trying to be kind. She's trying to. And Barbara's like, yeah, I don't know. I don't know if she's really trying or pretending or she's pretending she's trying, but like, we don't vibe. No, don't like her. What is your name again? Rainbow? Yeah, her. Don't like her. Sosa? I don't like Sosa.

So now it's time for the meter calling again. Oh, my God. All right, here we go. Here we go. Calling meters. How far are we to the dock? What a man. What a mighty good man. A mighty, mighty good man. Kaio, please stop. Turn off your Spotify and please call some distances. Okay, okay. An old man turns 98. He won the lottery and died the next day. It's like a black fly in your chardonnay. It's like...

It's like 10,000. It's like so many things that are ironic. God damn it. We just hit the deck again. Come on, guys. I'm not looking for stern distance. I want you to pull my stern across. Take up the slack. Throw the rope. He's like, okay, okay, I can do this. I can do this. I need a new drug. One that won't make me sweat. God damn it. Pull the rope.

There's a woman on the outside looking inside. Does she see me? No, she does not really see me. She sees her own reflection and turns the other way. I'm sorry to hear that. Okay, you're back on Susan Vega again. You've looped around. Oh, my God. The foredeck have got their line on, as they should. The aft deck team need to get that stern line on. If they don't, we've got an issue with lucky. It's up to the thruster at all because the guys didn't get the stern line on top. Next thing you know, line eater, line eater. They're going to be calling me line eater up and down the coast. Yeah.

He's a line eater. Never want some. Ever want some. So now it's like they dock and everything, but it's not a good docking. It's like a bad docking. It's embarrassing. Everything's wrong. And Kerry had to like telecare to do a million things. He's like, I'm running out of excuses. The boy's not getting his job right. Okay. And he's letting me down. He's letting his team down. It's too much for him.

I'm sorry to say, the boy is not mine.

So the guests have to go. And Jack's like, wow, the service taking care of my wife with a bad arm and her husband with a bad breakout of alcoholism. But you guys did it. Darlene, you want to say anything? She's like, I just want to thank the snowman who kissed my arm so I can have a hug all of y'all on the way out of here. God damn it. And also, don't go skiing on helicopters. Darlene out.

Stick to the lakes and the rivers that you're used to. Oh God, it happened to me now. It's contagious. She starts to cry. She's literally like, and by the way, thank you so much for getting me ice.

for my arm like okay Darlene's had a little bit too much schlitz this morning we're gonna get out of here before she winds up in handcuffs too if you know what I'm saying she gets emotional she's a woman that's what they do okay thanks everyone for coming they've just deported Darlene you shouldn't have asked for ice it's the wrong time darling hey wait a minute she's being taken off in a helicopter well not again

So Carrie's like, well, we've had a lovely group of people on this boat. Never had a person with a broken arm on a charter before. What was that, right? A cast? You're not part of the cast. Why would she keep seeing cast before? I don't know. I've never seen a broken arm before. It was all very strange to me. Anyway, she didn't feel excluded at all. Not even after I pointed at her and said, ha ha, stupid broken arm. Anyway, the feud made her scream. I mean, I tried. I tried as hard as I could to exclude her, but she just kept on being involved in things. It was terrible.

it's really difficult maybe i could have spent less time having to deal with ka like i spent more time making her feel like she was stuck in the corner somewhere all right you got 28 000 that uh double what the gays gave us so you know let's thank god for heterosexuals everybody all right 21 50 each

Go off, be merry. Do not give it to any gay people. I'm telling you, if any gay people wait on you, do not tip them. Right? We are going to get that money back somehow. Carrie calls Kyle to the bridge. And Kyle's like, oh, if the captain is not pleased, it makes me not pleased. But then I think squint, squint. Yeah, yeah. What were we talking about?

And so, I was like, all right. I mean, Kerry's like, all right, mate. I'm having this conversation with you that I don't want to have. Really?

I really want you to succeed here. And the thing is, we keep having these little errors. They keep on adding up. A small error like, I don't know, crashing into a boat. Or, I don't know, sinking in the middle of Mullet Bay. Each time I think that we're going to get to the point of no errors, we get another error. And the problem that I'm having is that I'm losing confidence in you and the expectation of a job on this boat. Do you realize we had a lady with a broken arm on this boat and I didn't even get to make fun of her because I was dealing with all your errors? Yeah.

i didn't even get to properly roast my daughter for not knowing the capital of australia yeah because you would have taken up all my time man can bear more like can't bear it because i'm dealing with you and all your mistakes all right so i've got to let you go mate and then he just closes up on kaya's face he's like um so what did you want to tell me you're fired

So you wanted to have a talk? You gotta go. Okay. So you want me to stay? No, you've gotta go. I can't wait to do this forever. Please leave. Listen, this is... Normally I have to tell you something three times and I'm coming in around number seven at this point. You thought it. He just shakes his hair and looks at him like, fascinating, fascinating discussion we're having. And that's it. Will Kyle even realize that he's fired? I don't know. I'm not convinced. I don't know.

But we knew he was going to be fired because, as we mentioned earlier in the season, when we saw that the chef was not going to stay with us because Peacock put up a photo of the entire cast.

Like literally the first week that this premiered. And we saw in the cast photo that Anthony was there instead of the born-again chef and that there was a totally different person. So it's just been a matter of time. We're just waiting for this guy to get fired. I don't know what this is. This is a blatant spoiler. Well, it's pretty good. We only had to wait until episode six to meet the new person. That's good. It's true. It's true. Let's see.

Because so many people could go at this point. Like Rainbow. I mean, how long does she have? She's going to have a nervous breakdown by episode eight. I mean, Solene, who literally can't do her job. She just falls out so easy. They can't ever get rid of Solene. No, they won't. They definitely won't. She's too funny. But yeah, that's it. So everyone, thanks for being here. And again, we won't have a below deck recap next week, but the week after, we sure will.

Okay, everybody. Yeah, we'll see you next time. Bye. Bye.

Hava Nagila Webber.

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