#413 - Don't Get Bite By This Spider
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Welcome back to the base- Welcome back to the basement yard. What did you just fucking say? Say it again. Okay. Nope. Just the words. I need to add context. Mm-hmm. So. No. No, no context allowed. I didn't get any. So why does anyone else get any? How often the cameras will start rolling and it tests the audio. You'll say just some fucking out of left field shit.

You asked me if someone's ever been nut fucked Yes So that was my question Can you let me get to it? I would get to it if you'd let me The question was Do you think anyone has gotten You know how like people do like titty fucking? If they do it with nuts though And they nut fuck So they like wrap their balls So they like hold their balls Like hold balls like that And then they do sex to it This is like

This is like taking the Eucharist. Yeah. Thank you, Father. Yeah. You don't do that. You just put your tongue out. Yeah, you put your tongue out and you put it on your tongue, don't you? What do they put on your tongue? You either do this or you go, huh. Yo, what a weird thing. What? Church? Like, you just, at church, it's like you're supposed to just go up to this guy in robes.

You don't know what's underneath. Well, no, he's in robes. Yeah, he's in robes. There is a history of questionable behavior, and then they're saying, hold your hands out and your tongue out and put them right in front of my face. They're not saying both of those things. You do one of those things. No, it's like you do a little bit of both, and then they're like, oh, just drink from this. Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink. You don't have to drink either.

So what the fuck, what is it from then? What is that stuff? You drink and you either walk up and go, and he puts it on your tongue or you go the body of Christ and then he puts it in your hands. You think they, you think a priest has ever gotten hungry and he's just been like snacking on the fucking Eucharist crackers? Uh, Joe Campbell did that. Did he? Damn, that's a name I haven't said in fucking 15 years. We found a box of them in the back of our CCD class and he just started eating them. Were they good?

Just tastes like bread. Does it? Yeah. You get it from like Restaurant Depot. Let's get some. We'd probably be blaspheming by doing that, right? Well, no. They're not holied. What's that called? Blessed? Blessed. I think that's the word you're looking for, Joey. They're not holied. Here's my next question. Holy water. Can you drink it? It's water, right? But is it... Is it?

Yeah, it's not. Is it just blessed water? Like drinkable blessed water? Yeah. Sure. Yes, but usually it's like... Are you sure? Because holy water always smells like it's like perfumated. Well, not a word. And it's usually because people like when you walk in and out of church, they have a little bowl of it and you're like... Yeah, yeah. And you're like... And you like spray yourself with a little spritz.

I got to look this up because I'm not entirely. It's just water. I don't know, Joey. Can you drink holy water? Can you drink holy water? You can do anything you want if you put your mind to it. Less than 15% of the water showed no. What happened? No. The water could make you sick because of the people that are touching it. Yeah, that's what I was saying. Less than 15% of the water showed no contamination with fecal matter.

Wait, what? Less than 15% of the water showed no contamination with fecal matter. So like, how did they, they tested all the holy water? I guess they, yeah, I guess they go to like 10 different churches or like a hundred different churches and they test the water.

Yeah, people are shitting on their hands, dude. Bro, I've taken a big shit at church before, dude. Is that like against the rules? The Ten Commandments? Are you not allowed to do that? Thou shalt not shit in thy backyard? I'll tell you what. Thou took a fucking fat dump in the back bathroom. Thou dumped it out real quick for God? Forgive me, Father, for I have taken a massive shit in the back of the church. Again with the poop. Talk about it often.

You brought up fecal matter. I'm just telling you that it came out of me. I brought up that there was fecal matter in the fucking holy water. Right, and I'm saying what I did to that water on the toilet was not holy. Oh yeah, you fucking spitting demons out your butt? Yes, and it's also like a very weird...

There's a lot of statues and I'm like taking a shit and like St. Francis is looking at me. St. Francis is just like staring at your dick. Yeah, he's just like standing there with like a lamb in his hand. You ever check those fucking anything in there for like cameras or anything? You don't really know what's going on in there. I don't, but I didn't. And I, you know. Probably should. If anyone wants a video of me taking a fat shit.

Good luck. Take it. I don't care. Joey, you just got so many people that watch this probably very, very excited. Yeah, but I'm saying if you go out of your way to bug a church for shitting content, like, ew. Well, it's the bathroom part that people get off on. They're like voyeurs and stuff like that. Well, I'm not going in there to be cute. I'm going in there for biz. Yeah, that's... No one... Bathroom is not a very fun place to be for me, so I'm not like... There's nothing in there that would be sexy, you know? Yeah. No, I don't think...

Who's thinking that There are people that are Into like poopy pee pee Nah but people have sex in bathrooms People do have sex in bathrooms Yes people have sex in bathrooms But like Yeah I haven't done that In a long time Yeah I don't know if that's true

I don't know. You would have to tell me. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. So last week I went to your place. Your own bathroom doesn't... Wait, what? I went to your place for the first time. Yeah. And I didn't know how to operate the shower. Oh, forget about the shower. Thanks for turning everything in my fridge upside down, by the way, because I figured that out. Dude, Frankie came over my apartment...

For the first time. And he touched everything. Well. He was touching everything. And I'm like, are you? Is this a joke? I was very excited to be there. And then he. It was a really nice place. Congratulations. Thank you. You should be very proud. Shut up. Also, it looks beautiful. Thank you. You are a very good decorator. A lot of people don't know this about Joey. A lot of people say like, oh, men can't decorate and like, or like man decorations. Joey is like an expert decorator. Like you. Expert's heavy. You would be a very good interior designer. Yeah.

Bitch? Yeah. Don't say that. Have you ever seen like, you know, people say like boys just need like a lawn chair and a TV on the floor and they're happy. Yeah, yeah. Like you have like a very good flow and aesthetic. Okay, I'm about to yell at you so don't stop it. No, I like your feng shui. Thank you. Only place I didn't go was your bedroom because I felt like that'd be an invasion of your privacy. Well, there's nothing crazy in there. It's just a bed. Well...

You never know what you, Mr. Fucking, you're like, I walked in there and he was like, oh, don't go into that bathroom. And I'm like, why? And he's like, I have leftover dildos on the floor. I was like, leftover? You get new ones every time you use them? Leftover. That's what you said. There's leftovers in there. But no, after Frankie left, it was like 20 minutes and I was like, oh, I'm going to get someone a drink and open up the fridge. Everything is turned upside down.

Everything's turned upside down and I'm like and this is what Frankie does sometimes he'll come in like he's come to my house So back in the day I used to have people over for the Super Bowl and Frankie would like dip out I guess a little early and was I had a dry I would have to drive home or drive again at the time What it was when it when I was still in school. Oh and Frankie would tie Everyone's shoes together not not like the pairs to themselves a web of

Of time. And I don't know how he was able to get this done because we're all sitting in the same room. Here's what I would do. I would say, like, all right, guys, I'm leaving. And I would open the door and shut the door. And all you fucking hyper-masculine pieces of shit were fucking glued to Demarius Thomas on the fucking TV. RIP, first of all. And second of all, hyper-masculine for watching football? Shut up. No, but you didn't fucking look other... Like, something...

There could've been a shootout right outside the window and you could've been like, "Ugh, f-f-f-fuckin' they're gonna pass the, you know..."

So I would then go and I would just, I would literally, there would be like 15 people there. I would tie everyone's shoes together. And it was, I can't tell you how much personal enjoyment I would get out of being 35 minutes on the road already. Almost, you know, almost in New Haven. And then getting a phone call. You piece of shit. It's so good. It's little pranks like that that keep the spark going. Little pranks.

By the way, speaking of poop, you actually caught me as I was turning everything upside down. So I thought you had realized...

You literally said, you were like, what are you doing in there? I thought you were just doing the joke that we usually do to each other of like, you're making a noise that's obviously annoying. So you just keep doing it. I was. I did that too. Until you say something. I was hitting all the fucking glass bottles on the door over and over. Yeah. The only things I didn't turn upside down were like things that have like the twist tops and like that carton because those leak and I didn't want to make a big old, big old, fat old mess. Oh, you're such a good guy. Yes, I am.

So I told all you, by the way, you have a lot of alcohol in your fridge. Are you okay? It's not for me. It's because people. Who's it for? You have no roommates, bitch. That's not what I was going to. That's not what I meant. I meant when people come over, they leave it there. I had people over for like Memorial Day weekend. It's been there since then.

You have a problem. It's okay. It's still there. That means I'm here to support you. I just want to let you know. But yes, I turned everything upside down. There's something that I assume you still haven't figured out or found yet. So I'll wait until you do that. What? No, you'll see. But I do little things. I probably did, but I don't remember. Because you know what would happen? Honestly. What did you do? You'll see.

I probably have already saw it, Frank. Trust me, you would have brought it up. Joey, I promised you you would have brought it up. You would have addressed it as soon as it happened. In the fridge? I'm not going to say where, but you have a couple rooms in that place that are worth looking in.

Okay. But you know why I do this? Because one day when I die, you're going to be like... You're going to open your fridge and think of me. And you should be like... Remember he used to like just like little fun little pranks. I'm not going to think of... There's other stuff I'm going to think about. Just none of that. That was a test. I'm glad you passed. Okay. With flying colors. What were you going to say? There was a story or something? Yeah, I was going to say speaking of poop because...

The other day I was taking my dog for a walk Yeah And there's like a little patch outside my apartment So I just like let him off the leash And he's like walking around And there's this little girl there Tell me Charlie went and humped her No, Charlie doesn't hump for some reason He's not very horny Well, because you chopped up You took his manhood It doesn't matter usually Chase had no balls And he was fucking the hell out of his dog bed Because he was tiny, dude It was a little Napoleon complex he had Also had one of the biggest dicks per capita

Yeah, big GDP. Yeah, dude. He had like a fucking saucy one. Okay. But anyway, so Charlie is walking around and whatever. And when he's about to take a shit, I know. All right, so I'm taking the bag out because he does this weird thing with his feet.

So he gets over there and he starts shitting. I start walking and then I can see who I thought was a grown woman walking in the same direction as my dog. And I look over and it's a gigantic child. Big kid. It was a girl who was probably nine and very big. And...

I'm like, I don't know where this girl's going. And we just walk up to the, you know, I'm walking over to pick up the dog shit. So I walk over and I'm standing there and now she's standing next to me. And we've both stopped in the same place. Charlie finishes taking a shit. He runs away. And then we're standing there and she goes, oh, that's it. And I go, no, no. She says, oh, can I do it? Get the fuck out of here. And I go, what?

This kid... This little fucking... How old? 10? Dude. 11? Yeah. Like, 8, 9, 10? You're bad at telling kids' ages because... Horrible. Very bad. I can tell. No, but, like, probably, like, yeah. Like, 9, 10, 11. Miles' age? Maybe a little older. Okay. So, 9. 9 or 10 or 11. Yeah, you said that already. The ones that I said. Yeah. But she's like, ooh, can I do it? So, this child just wanted to touch Charlie's poop. Yeah. And I said, what? And she's like...

Oh, let me do it. And I'm like, you want to what? Pick up the...

And she goes, yeah, yeah, I want to pick it up. And I go, no, I'm going to do it. Yes. I'm like, no, it's okay. I'll do it. And then I just picked it up and she followed me to the trash can. You just... To throw it out. I thought, was she going to eat it? You just did a public service, Joey. I saved a child. You just saved a lifetime of ridicule and probably fetishism. Like, she might have... That might have been, like, the onset of, like, I... You know, she saw a dog... I think it's already there because she's...

Asking a stranger. You might have stopped. No, because she might have been, saw your reaction and been like, wait, there's something wrong with me for wanting to touch this dog's shit. I didn't know what the fuck she was talking about. Bro. Can I do it? I was like, do what? No, you don't touch my, that's also an invasion of privacy. That's your dog's shit. If it was an adult being like, can I pick that up? I'd be like, have a fucking blast. Really? But it was a weird child. No, that would be a little, that'd be more scary. It was a weird big child. What would you have done if that kid picked up the shit and took a big bite out of it? Also, the weirdest part is that after, so I picked it up,

And I'm like tying the bag and, and like the, the garbage can is like not even 10 feet away. So I walk over and she just like walks with me and I'm like, am I, is she attached to me? Like, is this mine child now? No. Because I threw this shit out. You had, you, you and this child bonded over your dog's disgusting crap. We didn't say anything after that. Oh, you didn't, you didn't keep the party going? No. No, you'd stop. I was also like dumb. I was flabbergasted. Also bad look for a 31 year old man to talk to a nine year old girl in a park.

Well, there was like a bunch of people around but like there was a lot of dogs and shit And the thing that was the weirdest is like after I threw it out then she walked away She was making sure that I wasn't leaving anything behind I guess but as I was walking back the dog like she wasn't really accounted for I was just gonna ask people. I was just gonna ask So it sounds like it was like a little dog park Was she with a dog?

I don't think so. That's what I mean. Like, there was two little girls. Hold on. What is going on with New York City that there's just nine-year-old kids roaming the streets looking for shit? Trying to pick up shit. Trying to look at dog shitting. Not trying to look at it because was looking at it. And dude, by the way, like I said, I know that Charlie's going to shit.

Before he really does it As soon as his ass Went down to shit She was there I was already Like I had the bag Coming out before He was even like squatting So I took the bag out And I started walking That direction He squats down She was already going So she was locked On to this thing That is so

Weird. Yeah, she was on it. That is really weird. I wanted to like, if it was at night and it was foggy enough, I probably would have hit her. I was going to say, dude, you have openly spoke about little kids in situations like that scaring you? I'm very scared of little children. If she had been like, did she have that little kid voice where she's like, could I do it?

Like, you know, like that stupid little kid voice where it's like, oh, I want to pick up the poop. No, she just sounded like a normal child. You know, it wasn't like, you know, like an Andy Milonakis disease type thing where it's like a 50 year old woman and like a 10 year old's body. I don't know, dude. But like I said, I turned if that if you had found out if she was like, oh, by the way, my name is Susanna. I am actually 50, but I look like I'm 10. Would you have been more inclined to hit that kid? I would have been like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you asking me that?

You know, like what's going on, dude? I, uh, and it didn't, by the way, let me just clear this up. There was nothing, no indication to me that maybe there was something like wrong with this child.

Or off or whatever. Whatever the language is, I didn't get that vibe. I think it was just a kid being a kid. Just a curious kid who just wants to pick up dog shit. Yeah. Let's be honest. Listen, I'm a good guy, but like I said, if it had been at night, close to Halloween and foggy out and it was just me and her, I'm beating her up. Full moon? Full moon making a... Full moon, I'm killing her. Are you kidding me?

Full moon, I'm cutting her head off. You got it. You got it. Absolutely. Because I'd be so scared that this is a made up, this is a demon. Yeah. I don't like that. And she just like shows up out of nowhere. It's like, can I do it? And it's like, fuck. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. Get out of here. Dude, I, yeah, no. That is kind of scary. Yeah. But let's be honest. Let's be honest for a split sec. You haven't had internal thoughts about picking up and squeezing dog shit?

Squeeze? Squeeze me? What? Excuse me? Yes. You haven't looked... Like, you haven't wanted to pick up, like, with gloves or that bag that you use to pick up your dog's poop and just squeeze it just to feel it?

No? You can get that in other ways, Frank. I know. I've never done it. I'm just asking. When making meatballs, you can make it. You don't need to squeeze dogs. Honestly, when I make meatloaf and or meatballs, I kind of, I squeeze and I let like it like come through my fingers, you know, and it like curls. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I do. Yeah. I've never done it with poop. Let's be very clear about that. But... You ever squeeze your penis really hard? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I have. I've done that. It's crazy what a beating penises can take, right? Dude, this thing has gone through fucking Vietnam and back. Let me tell you. I can grab my soft penis and just go like this. Have you ever pushed the skin where your pubes are back and just be like, I just had a couple, like an inch or two. Pull the skin back. No, you push it back to see how much bigger you'd be. Yeah. Fuck, man. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah.

What are we talking about? Yeah. No, I'm with you though. It's funny. I actually had an interaction with a kid not long ago where I made fun of their stepdad. Yeah.

Why'd you do that? The kid was telling me, he's like, I was talking with someone about music and he was running around and he goes, do you like, he gave the name of the dad's band. I'm not going to say it, but like. Oh, the dad's band? The stepdad's band. Okay. He was like, do you know, you know, Box or whatever it could have been? That's the first. Tommy and the Boys. Yeah. Do you know Tommy and the Boys? And I'm like, no, what's that? He's like, oh, that's my stepdad's band.

My stepdad's uh, he sings in this reggae band and I was like fucking what and he's like, yeah I was like so and I and i'm in the car and i'm and I go hold on wait So your white stepdad is a singer in a reggae band. He's like, yeah, I was like sweet dude How old is this kid eight?

You slam dunked on a fucking eight-year-old? Let me be very clear about something. There are certain slam dunkable situations that you can't avoid. I just did this kid a service. I made fun of his stepdad who was a white man in a reggae band, in a reggae ska band. Ska? It's like a type of music where it's like, you know, I'm not going to do it because it'll be insensitive, Joey. What's ska?

It's like a type of music. I'm not going to explain it. You can look it up after the fucking episode is done recording. But I did this kid a service. I pointed out how ridiculous it is, and I planted the seed now. So when he's a couple years older, he'll be like, holy shit, my white step-parent is in a reggae band. That's bad, dude. I mean... That is bad.

Tommy and the boys. So you slam dunked on a child. Of course I had to slam dunk on a child. Listen, no one is safe sometimes. Sometimes you need to set the record straight with them. I've literally slam dunked on a child before. Me and Keith were working in the absolute program at PS2. Sometimes my sister couldn't work, so I would go and fill in for her. And you just sit in the gym and play basketball the entire day. I remember. There was this one kid, I forget his name, but his name sounded like Muhammad backwards. What was it? Humadid.

Muhammad Daham. Yeah, I'm not saying it is backwards. I'm saying it just sounds like it is. Mohamed Daham. Something like that.

I'm going to honestly have the name. I'm going to tell you something on the car ride home. I'm going to try to say this correctly. Cool. But it takes up the whole ride. Uh, but he was just being a bitch and like whining and like whatever. And he was like bigger than other kids. And he was just like, blah, blah, blah. Does it call him big Mo? No. All right. But anyway, I was fucking punching his shit. So when he, anytime he went to go shoot the ball, I was like,

Dude, nothing makes a grown man feel better than playing sports with children and absolutely dominating them. Yeah. Bro, I was playing a fucking, you know, like we were tossing like a ball and like hitting it with a bat. And these kids were like, oh, you mean baseball? Yeah. But it was like a wiffle ball almost, but it wasn't. It was a foam ball. Baseball. But like this kid, I was like, listen, I'm letting you know, if you throw it to me, I am sending your shit. Yeah. And fucking boy, did I.

It's just, it feels so good to remind kids that they suck at things, you know? Yeah. That's how I am with like video games. Miles would play, we would play Mario Kart and he, I'd be like, listen, I'm letting you know, like, I can't see this. Are you, are you sure you want to play? And he's like, you've never let him win. No.

I love that. And he's like, give me a 30 second head start. I'm like, okay. 30 seconds. And I fucking dust him. Yeah. You're going to get that. And I destroy him. Why? Because I'm in last place after 30 seconds and I get all the best items. Then I jump right up the fucking first and then it's over for him. But like, there's something so good about just like doing things better than kids, you know? Yeah. Because they're just little idiots most of the time. I've been there. A kid? Yeah. Yeah. But we were kids. We were better than adults.

Yes, we were. Not like little kids, like four and five. I'm saying when we were older. How old? 13, 14. You know what I recently told, and it's like a hard, like, I almost completely forgot it. Are you going to talk at all this episode, Joey? You were fucking talking, you bitch. I was letting you tell a story. Do you remember how, like, legitimately good at football we were? Like, we were, like, undefeated for years. Five. Five.

Isn't that nuts? Like, isn't that crazy to anybody? It's not fair. It was like, and we, like, kids would come to our, to Astoria to challenge us because they said they would beat us. And guess what? They did not. Didn't happen. And then we didn't win for years after that. Yeah, because the band broke up. The band broke up, man. What are you going to do? It's like the, you know, the 2000 Miami Hurricanes. You know, sometimes you got to go on a bigger, better things. 2001, yes.

I was just talking about that team the other day. Very weird. Insane. Their third string running back was like Frank Gore. Yeah, it was like Frank Gore, Clinton Portis, Willis McGahee. All on the same team. Yeah, nuts. Crazy. Anyway, do we have any sponsors? Yeah, we do. We do have sponsors for today. Who are the sponsors? I'm going to get to it. This show is sponsored by...

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Go check it out. We have some stuff coming for our patrons that are exclusive for them, for thanking them for getting us there. And we're really excited. So patreon.com slash your basement. Go check it out today. Why'd you fade out like that? I don't think that you like me when I do ads. Why? Because I could see in your eyes. You're like, I'm this fucking loser. I don't do that.

I was queuing up something I wanted to tell you about. Queuing up what, Joey? What were you queuing up? I was queuing up this story. Oh, my God. That's such like business tech mindset. Queuing? Hold on. Let me queue this up real quick. You sound like you fucking live on a Zoom meeting, fucking loser. Hold on. If you don't mind, let me just queue this up real quick. Okay. Now I'm being bullied. I don't understand. You're not being bullied. You're being called out for being a fucking...

I burped and it saved the word that was coming out of my mouth. Cool, I'm being bullied. You're not. I would never bully you. Honestly, I would kill bullies that bullied you. Okay. But there was a story that came out about a... Well, I didn't know this about... There's a lot of things I don't know about animals, especially the ones that I don't like. This one being spiders. Look at this fucker right here. It's a cool looking spider. Guess what happens if this spider bites you? Is it like one of those spiders where your arm falls apart? Where it turns black?

Never seen that? And it just like disintegrates basically? Close. This one has a deadly bite that could cause an hours long erection. Whoa, hello. Spider bites you and you just get...

Hold on a second. Wait, wait, wait. What kind of spider is this? I don't know. An Austrian supermarket reopened following a three-day closure to clear the store due to an alleged sighting of a spider with a deadly bite that could also cause an hours-long erection. Hours long doesn't mean one hour. It could be hours. Hours. Hours multiple. Hours long. What's the Viagra thing? It's like four hours or more cold? Four hours. Get to the doctor. They're going to chop that thing off or something. Bro, do you know? Four hours, dude? Dude.

Imagine being hard for four hours. If you were to take from the day of birth to this day right now, if you were to take the collective time I've had a boner, would it... Don't even say what you're about to say. You think it would be four hours? Frank, you think in your 31 years of life, you haven't been hard for four hours? I don't... I've been hard for fucking days, Frank. Okay.

Yeah. All right, maybe, I guess. You've never been hard? Of course I've been hard, Joey. Of course, we've all been hard. My dick works, all right? Okay, but I'm saying you've been hard for four hours, obviously. But like, that's a long time, dude. Think about it. What is the average amount of sex? I would say like eight and a half to ten minutes, maybe. Is it?

Tell me, Stallion. Tell me what are you doing? Fucking 48 minutes? Absolutely not. 50, 60 minutes? I would give up way before the 48-minute mark. Okay, so what is your average fucking sex? Tell me. Be honest. Jokes aside. Look, Joey, watch this. Yes. Jokes are off. Oh, turn them off. Okay.

Turn them off. Okay. What is your average sexual experience last? What is the beginning? Don't... I'm not going to parse through. Let me cue this up. I'm not going to fucking parse through like this sort of foreplay. I want to know from insertion to completion. Got it. Give me your average sexual experience length and time. I would say probably like, you know, 15 to 18. Yeah.

Why is that a crazy statement? You're not having sex that long, dude. Why is that a crazy statement? Because you're not. You're a liar. That's not even a long time. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. Not a long time. Tell me about your fucking jackhammer and cock. Go ahead. That's what you're saying. I'm fucking sitting there. I'm fucking for 48 minutes. Easy. Literally, I didn't say that. And if I was still

Having sex for over 30 minutes. I'd be like, this is, this is, we have to stop. I'm just going to stop. Yeah. Like I'm walking away from that. How much can you look up? What's the average sexual experience? Like actual sexual encounter length and time. Average length of sex. I feel like this is such a typical, typical, uh, podcast thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, do me a favor. Tell me in seconds, the most efficient way to have sex.

It says, one study asked 500 couples to press a stopwatch at penetration and then ejaculation for one month. Reported durations range from 33 seconds to 44 minutes. Thanks for that range. The average was three to seven. Okay. Mine is more closer to the average than fucking yours. Okay.

Fucking Steve Austin, what's going on with you? Jackhammer McGee? Jesus Christ. Why do you keep saying Jackhammer? Fucking Hammer and Hank Aaron over here. He's hitting home runs that are lasting fucking 38 minutes or some shit. No, dude. God almighty. Just be a normal fucking person. Stop doing billionaire sex where you're like, I have figured out ways to completely rid my mind of any...

It's not... If you want to go whistle to whistle, like... I want to fucking... But here's the thing. I want you to run suicides during sex. Frank, when you start vaginal sex, right? Yes. You know? Yes. It's pretty cool. Yes. But once you start that... Pretty rad. It's not like... From that point on, it's like, go until I'm done. Like, there's like...

Little breaks in the action type of thing. What are you doing? Stopping for a crumpet? What's going on?

You fucking go. And then you fucking turn into a new position and you turn into a new, but that's seconds. That's not fucking, what do you stop? And it's like, wow, let's take a minute to admire that. That is what you would do, you fucking freak. 100% or you'd be like, hold on, wait. Oh, I know why you stop. Because fucking Charlie's in the other room probably just fucking whining and yelping and shit. No, that does happen. But no, it's like you stop and then you could use...

hands and mouths. I'm not I'm talking penile to a Vaginal but I'm telling you in between that there is that it's not just like I start with penis. What a fucking idiot like what an idiotic thing to do to be like Let's stop this awesome thing right here to shove my fucking dainty fingers in you I'm not for sure. And your fingers suck dude. What are you talking about? Let's see them. Let's see them barely man fingers Frankie

Do not make me talk about your hands. What are you gonna say about my really cool hands? Why look at look at what you just did you know you hate your hands I don't hate my hands. I really I used to when I was a kid have you know? Devin dainty feminine you're fucking flustered cuz you have shit hand now. I have sweet hands look at these fucking catcher's mitts, baby Look what you're doing. Why are you doing this? These are we were a wizard. What do you want me to do great?

Anyway, it's fucking my fingers are really cool. I'm saying you're stopping in the middle of all this penis feels so good in you Stop that let me shove my fucking forefinger. What's wrong with you? What's my forefinger? These guys? Oh my pointers. Yeah No, I mean Jesus there's you switch it up and there's like things Oh my god, you know fucking cake this kid dominated YouTube dominated podcast world now. He's gonna dominate fucking bed sex. Oh

I don't just get into a position and being like, well, this is it. Tear it until... How long does it take you to get into a new position, Joey? It's fucking... You're out? Go here. Do this. It's not fucking... What do you stop? And you're just like, all right, well, let's think about what would be the most efficient sexual position next? No one's doing that. We have a couple... Let's queue up those options right over there. That's not what I'm saying. That's exactly what you're doing. Go there. Shit. Go there. Yeah. Just do... Are you a shot caller or are you a fucking... A shot caller.

Yeah. Are you a shot caller? Yeah. You're just like, get in there. Dude, next we're doing that. Oh, I don't go ahead. Right now we're doing this and then a little bit. Wait, wait, just wait until the next. We're going to do that. Wait until the next chapter. The next one's going to be a good one. This one's all right, but wait until the next one. I'm already freaking three moves ahead. Okay, we're going to do that, that, and then that. All right, fucking butt to C8.

It's a chest joke, Joey. Highbrow jokes here. And it landed. Don't say anything. No, it's still in the air. No, it's a chest joke. It came right back down. How did we get here? Oh, the spiders making your dick hard. Would sex for four hours even be cool? Dude, that would never happen. Can I ask a serious question? What is the longest you've had sex? I don't even know. I wouldn't be able to tell you anything outside of like 10, 12 minutes.

I don't know. The longest? Here you go. Watch this. Something modest, like eight hours. Are you insane? I don't know. You? No. You probably, you fucking weirdo billionaire fucks have like weird fucking like sex days where you're just like, I don't work on Fridays. Why? Because they are my fuck days. No, it doesn't happen. There's never been a time that like stands out of being like, wow, that was like so long.

Like when people are like, yo, yeah, on average like 40 minutes, but I can go up there and be like two hours. Like in what – I would never. Yeah, I don't know. Why do people want to have sex for hours? Like – The only way that that – If that's going on, you're doing something wrong. The only way that that would be possible is if like you're just going to keep – I'm talking about –

Boner to come. Yeah. But if you're going to keep going and make it last like more hours. Yeah. No, no, no, no. I'm talking. I know exactly what you mean. You're talking, you know, you're talking. Start to finish. One start to one finish. Yeah. You're not like, give me 30 minutes to chug water and then I'm good again. Yeah. Yeah. No. But like making one thing lasts like over an hour is like nuts. So they shut down.

A whole grocery store for days because of this spider? Yeah. Was the spider just biting people and people were just walking around fucking produce with just giant hard-ons? Well, I think it also kills people, but like, it gives you a boner and then kills you? That's kind of crazy. That's a good way to go out. Just like women, dude. They get your heart and then they tear your heart out and kill you. This is... I kind of... Oh, it got... They saw it in a banana box. It was in a banana box? Damn, dude, the spider's gay, dude! Dude!

Well, why do you think the bananas were so delicious over in Austria? Yeah, the bananas were just like straightened out. The bananas came out. Flat-ass bananas. Like a fucking giant. It's like, damn, those bananas are hard as fuck. Why does it make you hard? There's got to be some protein in it or something that's just like... Protein? Yeah, like a protein in it or something that gets you hard. Not protein, but like a protein, Joey. Like in the... In the venom, I'm assuming. Does protein make you hard?

You're not listening to what I'm saying. Apparently not. Researchers have used the venom in studies to treat erectile dysfunction. So there's... They're using it to reverse engineering the venom. That's smart. That's really smart. To help the penises. I think there's other snakes or spiders that have their venom used for like different antidotes and stuff like that. Yeah, I have no idea. But anyway, there's a fucking spider out there in Austria making people hard and they shut down a goddamn supermarket for it.

That's unbelievable. That's crazy. That's a crazy way to go. Is there anything in a supermarket where like, you know, there's spiders down that aisle, but you, you would still go down it. Like if I was walking down and like cereal aisle chips, ahoy. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? I have chips. Oh,

I saw you posted you dunking them in a little cup of milk and I was so jealous. Yeah. Can you just do me a favor? Can you try the way I told you to do it? Crush them up and put them in. Crush them. Not cut into a powder. Like they're still pieces. Right, right, right. No, I don't. But I don't like that. I don't like that. Try it.

But I don't like the fact that they're sitting in the milk and they're going to get soft. No, but if you eat it quick enough, it won't. Yeah, but now I'm fighting the clock. Joey, you'll be okay, Joey. I'll have to eat it. Within two minutes? You can't eat a bowl of cereal in two minutes? Also, how many cookies are we talking here? Five. What do you break it with? Your hands? Yeah, you just... And then you put them in.

And you pour the milk on top. Joey, it is life-changing. Watch this. I'm going to get Chips Ahoy today. Yeah. I'm going to do this today. It's not a matter of if. It's a matter of when. Okay. I'm also going to get Taco Bell soon based off our last conversation we had on the other weekly episode. I'd like some Taco Bell. God almighty. I would say bring it in, but you only come here in the morning and I cannot do that. I've never had Taco Bell breakfast. They make breakfast?

Dude, they're open like 24-7 in some places. Oh my god. You never had a breakfast crunch wrap? No. Me neither, but it sounds delicious. It's eggs instead of the taco shell. Is it though? Is it eggs? It's what Taco Bell calls eggs. A fucking hash brown and then bacon and cheese. Okay. It's like a bacon. What's your favorite potato? I'm pretty cool with russet. What is that? A russet potato. What's a russet potato? I'm cool with Idaho's. Oh, dude. I'm not asking you for the species. Oh, okay.

I'm asking you for the, like, how you like to enjoy a potato. Are you? Hold on. Did you just really fucking answer in that way? You sit here on these episodes and you call me bougie or whatever, and you're naming, like, I like a russet, an Idaho. Are you fucking kidding me? Guess how many types of potatoes I know. One? Wrong. Zero, Frank. I know no potatoes.

I know french fry. I know baked potato. I know fucking these types of things. You know what? When you fucking take your phone, your head out of your phone every now and then, you learn some things, Joey. You can't. Don't turn this back on me. I'm gonna. I like a russet. Russet. Idaho. Purple. Fingerling. They call them purple? A purple potato. You never had a purple potato? I've seen them.

They're good. They're like wedged. Sweet. White sweet. Sweet. White sweet. Yeah, they have white sweet potatoes. Never seen that. Oh, well, maybe fucking life is outside of fucking Instagram, Joey. Maybe figure it out. I've been more places than you, you stupid bitch. I would say my favorite way to consume is either. No, I'm not either. I'll probably go with a loaded baked potato.

Oh, I don't like baked potatoes. I do like them loaded. I like them loaded. Oh, come on, man. Come on. Loaded with what? Bacon? Butter? No, I'm not even going to go bacon. Just butter, sour cream, and maybe some chives. We're going to reverse back to sour cream there for a second. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Say it again, though. Sour cream. It's cool that you can't pronounce words. Oh, my God. Come on. Why do you... Sour cream. Sour cream. Sour. Do you know that's like a real thing? Because I watched a clip recently from our show, and you said...

Powerful. Why do you... You're so insistent on breaking me down on the smallest level. I can't say words correctly. Oh, you are. And like, is not your thing. Powerful sour cream. Sour cream? Say powerful sour cream. Powerful sour cream. What's wrong? It's like, rr. Well, those are good words, dude. Those are strong words. Powerful sour cream.

Hold on, hold on. Powerful. Let me say it like you, Joey. I'm going to go home and have some powerful sour cream. Yeah. Is that what you want? Is that what you want, you fucking piece of shit? That's how you say words, baby. It's powerful sour cream. Ha!

What's wrong? I don't know. It's not that crazy, but I just noticed it. First it was mayonnaise, then it was coconut, now it's powerful sour cream. You can't let me say anything in peace. The first two are way worse than this. No, they're not. Maybe I'm nitpicking here. You are definitely nitpicking. Sour, powerful cream. What's your favorite? I would say my number two, a close two, is like a whipped mash. Oh, shit. Like a garlic whipped mash. One time I went to a restaurant and they came out with like a spray can. It had CO2 in it, and they just went...

And they need this little mound of... It was the fucking nice... I felt like I was eating... When I get mashed potatoes that are not solid, you know what I mean? They're kind of a little wet. It falls through my fork. Yes. It feels like I'm eating an old person's hair. Yes. I've never had it, but that's what I imagine the consistency of porridge is. That's just oatmeal. I don't know, but that's what I want. Okay. I know. Oh, tell me. Oh, I've been so many places. I've had porridge. Yeah.

You fucking... Say it. I can't. I can't say it. What were you talking about? Oh, potatoes. Wait, did I have this conversation with you? We've probably done it on the show at mad times. Honestly, my bottom two are french fries and chips. I'm not a big french fry guy. Wait, hold on. Your two least favorite ways to eat potatoes are french fries and potato chips. Yeah, I'm not a big french fry guy. And you're... First of all...

Shut up. And second of all, your first one is a baked... Oh, yeah. Without bacon. Without bacon.

Well, it's not loaded if it doesn't have bacon. Okay, sure. Put bacon on it. Go ahead. Do whatever you want. But it's really the butter and the sour cream that are my favorite parts. Sour cream. But look, it's not a loaded baked potato if there isn't... Okay. If there's just sour cream in it. All right. So just butter and sour cream. I'm fine with that. But if you want to add cheese and chives and bacon, even better. Yeah. You're making a good thing even better. Yeah. What's your favorite? That's a good question. Home...

Home fries? Stop. Answer me. Look at me in the eyes. Yeah. Your favorite way of taking potatoes. Taking potatoes. Is home fries. I like a home fry. The least cool part of any breakfast. I disagree. Bacon. That's the best part of any breakfast. Sausage links. I had the juiciest sausage patties recently.

Dude, I'll be honest with you. That little three seconds was the gayest thing I've ever seen in my life. That was so insane. He's like, the sausage links? Ooh.

Like that was so flamboyant. That was crazy. You guys all saw that, right? I felt it. It came out of me. But I do like a sausage. Who is that right there? Also, I had a... Dude, by the way, I don't know if this is the case or whatever. Hold on. You know what that reminds me of? Have you seen on TikTok the videos of Carl Anthony Towns? Yeah. Being like, yo, we're... Yeah, his voice changes. Oh, for sure. Yeah. People are like, yo, we're not fucking convinced anymore. Yeah.

I had a veggie sausage the other day. Shut the fuck up. Don't. No. Don't. Don't. Don't. God almighty. Shut up. I know you're going to get mad. For fucking once. Please. Listen. Have one. I want to tell you this right now. I'll tell you. You tell yours first. Okay. Cool. Go ahead. Your fucking eyebrows are dancing right now. You're like, cool, cool, cool.

Eat a veggie sausage? Dude, the snapback is insane. I don't know why. I don't know why. I don't know what they put in it, but it slaps your teeth. I'll tell you why. Because it's fucking zucchini and cauliflower shoved into a fucking condom and then tied and put on a stovetop. I don't want this shit. It's not. Give me. Listen. It's like soy. It's like soy. God. God. Fucking. God almighty. Why do we need to? Not everything needs to be healthy.

Make it fucking just a fucking dirty little bitch. It's not healthy. A veggie sausage isn't healthy? No. It's still sausage. Like, it's still like, you know. Where's the sausage? Where? That's actually a good point. Fucking, here I'm looking. I can't find any. Give me a pork sausage link that when I bite into it, it fucking snaps back and just, there's a waterfall of fat and lard in my mouth. Jeez.

Veggie. A waterfall of fat lard. What a fucking, what's wrong with you? It was the only thing they had available at this place. No, don't, don't. Joey, don't. That was true. Joey, don't. So then you're a fucking loser for going to a place that only has veggie breakfast sausage. No, no, no. Yeah, well, yeah. Well, no, I think they have regular, but they only had veggie in that one. And I was like, all right, I'll just get it, whatever. Because the rest of it sounded good. Serious question. Yeah. Where was this?

It was at a place that was like two blocks from my apartment. Okay. Good that you're not saying exactly where. Do me a favor. Next time you walk by, Molotov cocktail. No, I'm not going to do it. Through the fucking window. If not, I'll do it. Okay. You get so upset about veggie stuff, huh? Because you sit here and you're like, oh my God, I had the most delicious...

veggie steak. Okay. And it's like, "Oh my God, I had the best weekend. It was so much fun. I ran 10 miles. Oh my God, I had such a rewarding experience with my dad. He told me he loved me." Like, just, you just show off.

Just shut up sometimes. Frankie. Just give in. I want you to come in here. You need to relax. Here's your homework. You ready? Here's your homework. I'm going to start yelling in a few seconds. So you keep it up. I'll finish. Keep it up. Then you start. All right? I'll pass you the fucking baton. Here's your homework. Next time I see you, which should be this week, God willing.

I want you from now to then, go and have the most disgusting meal of your life. I do eat. I want you to have a fucking like, like deep fried, you know, hot dog. How is that making you feel better? Because you'll be like a regular person again. I,

What happened to good Joey? What happened to the good old days of Joey? Going to fucking, going to a pizza place and getting two slices with pepperoni on it and then washing it down with a fucking Snapple. What happened? Your IBS? You still have it. Go for it anyway, Joey. Okay, now I'm going to start fucking yelling in a second, Frank. What did I eat literally two days ago?

One hot dog? Pizza pie. I got a pizza pie. Did I know? I ate four slices. Did I know that? Hold on. Now I have to prove to you because this is how I want to throw my laptop at you. Do it. I want to fire it at you. Four pieces of pizza pizza and I put barbecue sauce and then a bunch of different hot sauces on the plate and I was just dipping and eating.

So you were- So I can't eat a fucking veggie sausage once in a while? So you were wiping your pizza through sauces on a plate? Why didn't you just put it right on the fucking pizza? Because I wanted to sample them, you stupid bitch. Oh, I forgot. You can't sample when you put things directly on it. You need to fucking wipe it in it like it's your ass. This doesn't make any sense. You get mad over the weirdest things. I do. Yeah. You know what? I miss you when you were fucking fun and you would be like, you know what?

Let's go out and eat at Frankie's. Fridays and Hooters. Let's get a big burger from Hooters. I've never even been to a Fridays. Yes, you have. No, I haven't. Yes, you have. Nope.

Yes, because there was one on around this corner on Steinway Street next to the movie theater that we would go to No, that was who knows buddy. Oh, no those Applebee's Applebee's. All right. Sorry, but you when you'd be like, let's go to Applebee's That place doesn't have ovens. Yeah, they have microwaves. I know that Insane get me that microwave in my house though because some of their food is good. Hmm. It's not I would say

I miss the days of Joey's being like, yo, let's go and just eat fucking like 13 empanadas at 3 a.m. After we just took down about six pitchers of a fucking stale Miller Lite. Frankie, I still do that. No, you don't do that. I don't do that now because I have kids. Don't you dare talk. Pointing. Pointing. Don't point at me. Okay.

I'm just saying. I do that, though. You're healthy, Joe. You're healthy, Joe. No. No, I'm not. You're healthy, Joe. Now, I don't I don't go out as much frequently because I have fucking young kids, Joey. And I want to be I want to be a present dad, bitch. Frankie goes, oh, I don't I don't have any drinks and I don't jerk off anymore.

Nothing. The jerk off thing is a whole separate other thing because I've always found that weird and then don't get me started, Joey. Don't get me started. I don't drink anymore because what am I going to do? Sit at home and drink by myself to party with whom? Myself? And then be woken up at 5 a.m. by a seven-month-old who's going to scream until 10 a.m. when she falls asleep again?

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Yeah, I don't like your aggressive tone. Me? I said I ate a fredgie sausage and you lost your fucking mind. Yeah, Joey, because sometimes just fucking stop and smell the roses. Stop just like, we're all gonna die anyways. We're all gonna die. What is that? Wouldn't you rather at the end of it just be like, I died and I fucking had a good time. You really get enjoyment out of eating fucking soy sausage? And if you do, tell me right now because I will cancel this show immediately. I will never come back. Frank.

What do you have against something being veggie? Nothing. I actually enjoy it. So if I ate that, right, and it tastes good because it was kind of spicy too, and I'm like, wow, that tastes really good. That sounds pretty good. Oh, does it? What's the problem? Nothing. I enjoy eating healthy. I eat healthy most of the time, contrary to what you often say about me. You looked at me before and you said you're a fat lard. You're disgusting. It's a shame that anyone likes you.

I eat healthy most of the time. Every now and then I like to be a little dirty little bitch. Who doesn't?

But you only talk about the eating healthy. I only talk about the being the dirty little bitch. I talked about it because I said that it slapped me in my teeth. Joey, how many times have we said this? There was one episode in particular where you came in and you were like, oh my God. So a funny hysterical story that I need to tell on this episode. So I was in the middle of my five mile run and I'm like, just shut the fuck up. It was three miles. Okay. It doesn't matter. And if you ask me, what did you do yesterday? I said, well, I went for a run. And then you go, what?

Yeah, because there are certain things. You think when you ask me, which you don't, what I did yesterday, do you think I go like, oh, well, I woke up and I made breakfast? No, I'll be like, oh, anything eventful. Nothing really. Just hung out with the kids and the family. Like you sit there and you're like, well, I woke up and then I decided I was going to go fucking jerk off into my toilet bowl. Frank, I've known you for 40 years. Close. Right? Close. If I ask you what you do yesterday and you tell me, oh, I just hung out with the wife and kids.

We've wasted our time. That whole conversation's a waste. Wow. You think I don't know that? Well, I hope you're excited about it. Frank, that's the answer you give people that you don't know. That's the answer I give people that when it happens, Joey, if something eventful happens, I'll be like, Ah, you know, just hanging out with the kids and the old ball and chain. I don't refer to my wife as ball and chain. She doesn't weigh me down. She picks me up, bitch. She's the wind beneath my wings. Did you ever fucking say that, dirty little whore?

Who came up with the ball and chain? A prisoner? Oh, you know it's some piece of shit like fucking guy from like 1950s. He's like, my wife more like ball and chain. And everyone around is like, that's good. Say that again. That was fucking clever. Do you mind if I do that, sir? The old ball and chain. Yeah.

But that's how they kept prisoners, right? They like would put a huge ball next to them? Yeah, that's right. They would put a ball and a chain or like it would be like a chain on their ankle and it'd be like attached to a boulder. And then they quickly realized, well, if you just roll this down a hill. I think they also realized that like they could, the prisoners could probably use that ball to hurt other prisoners. Or that too. You know. Or you like break your own leg to pull it out. Is that, can you do that? I don't know. Can you?

I think it wasn't the most recent episode or series season of Stranger Things. He like breaks his own arm or breaks his own leg to get out of like a contraption like that. I've seen that in like movies and TV and stuff. Like, is that a thing? Or do you just have a broken leg? If it is, I'm not doing it. I don't have the balls. I don't have the balls to break my own leg to pull it out of a shackle. Could you like, I'm trying to make, not make this like too dramatic, but like. Just make it as dramatic as it needs to be.

Um, if you knew, like, could you take a fucking pliers? Like, could you take a pair of pliers and rip out one of your teeth? And if you didn't, it meant that your house is just going to explode and you would get none of the money or anything like that. Like all of your belongings, everything, you just explode or you had to rip out one of your teeth. I have a couple of questions before I answer. Yeah. All right. One family is okay. Like no one's harmed. Okay. Um, it does my income change at all.

Does your income change? Yeah. No, but you have to buy a house now and you have to get all new shit. All of your stuff is in your house. It explodes. It's a lot of money. It's not only you have to buy a home or do whatever. Can I start a GoFundMe? No. Oh, well, then I guess, yeah, I'd have to. But like, you think you could do it?

I think with enough willpower, it would, what, like, is there like a time, like, do they say like you have to get this done in the next year or like it has to happen today? Oh, today. Oh, that's going to be tough. In the next year. What would you do? Just a little, just a wiggle a day, you know? No. Just a wiggle a day. I'd put like a cap on it and just fill the cap with like syrup and just let it sit there. It's really weak in the tooth. You know what I'm saying? No, you idiot. You got to fucking rip it out. It's got to hurt. It's horrible. I think I could. Or what about a fingernail?

That might be worse than that, too. That's way worse than it, too. Did I tell you what happened to me recently? This is going to make you cringe. You ready? Oh, no. All right. Not your fingernail. Oh, yeah. So we got the deck in the back redone. And when everything was put back on, like the siding and stuff, we had to like...

you know move this stuff back on like the furniture back on it and on the other side like where like their little garden is we have these two posts that we have lights tied to and the posts are made of fiberglass no so i was pushing a pin i was pushing a pin like this into the top of the fiberglass pole and my finger slipped off the pin and it caught a frayed piece on the side of the of the post

And it hurt so fucking much. And I looked at my finger and you could see the green fiberglass multiple pieces in my fingernail. I had to pull them out with tweezers one by one. Oh, I don't like that. It sucked so fucking bad. Ew. It was so bad. I don't like that. Or if I get splinters. Splinters? I grew up at the lake. No, but like. We used to get splinters daily. It's not that big of a deal for me. I know. You grew up where? At the lake. Um.

When you get them underneath your fingernails. I've never gotten that. Not like underneath, but like the tips of your fingers and you have to be careful. The worst is feet. When you get them in like the underside of your feet. Like in the arch of your foot. I like ripping my feet up though. What? I used to rip my calluses off my feet all the time. Oh, I had a wart on the bottom of my foot once that I ripped off. You had one on your hand too, right? I did, yeah. Why are you so warty? You're like a fucking pickle. I'm not.

You are though. You got mad warts, dude. What is that? Take it easy. I haven't had one in like 15 years. I had one, yeah, I had one right there. That's what that is. You bite a lot. You're a biter. You bite shit. You bite your fingers. Joey, what the fuck are you saying? You bite your fingers. What is it? No, they look fine right now. Yeah, but you bite them. No, I don't really. Dude, you bite your fingers. I stop. I've stopped. Cold turkey? Yeah. I use the patch.

I use the fucking nicotine patch. Is that nicotine? No, that's biting. No, it's a biting patch. It's a biting patch. I gotta stop biting. That would be a good invention. TM, trademark. Yeah. Copyright. I've never bitten my nails ever. Oh, I bite my nails often because I often forget to clip my nails. So I just bite them off. Why not just clip them? Because I forget. But you can just go do that that day. I know, but that I don't like it.

And also I use... But you like the feeling of like a rigid nail? It gets caught on everything. No, I've worked out how to file it down. I also will... You're going to hate me for this. And this might... Oh, boy. If I'm in like a bind, like I'm in the car and I notice that like, you know, like my teeth don't feel right, I'll use a piece of like a thumbnail that I bite off as like a little toothpick. You floss your teeth with your fingernails? Sometimes.

In the car in which you take pisses into? This thing is a full-blown bathroom. This is insane. You piss in your car, you're flossing your teeth. What are you going to do? Probably just wait until you get to a place where you can do that. What are you going to do? You don't like it? Tough. It ain't your car. It ain't your fingers. Is there, like, is there toilet paper in your car? Dude, you thought about it, dude! It's a car! There was at one point. Four. Four.

It's not for pooping in my car. Just make that very clear. Pissing? No, it was when I had moved out of my old apartment. I brought the toilet paper with me. Usually you bring that stuff inside. I know, and I just left it in the car. I never brought it in. Oh, convenient. Well, it's like in the trunk. It's not like readily available. We don't know that. We should do a Patreon episode where we just go through my trunk. We'll do an MTV Cribs of your car. Oh my god, no.

Right now, there is a gallon water bottle for pee. There is a giant paper bag. Is there piss in it? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. There is a giant paper bag of just sunflower seed spits. There is a box of about 35 bags of sunflower seeds. Yo, dude, can I say something? If you ever in your life try to say something about me that I'm like,

Gross or whatever. What if I said that? I just talked about how great your place is. That's insane. You have a bag of spit seeds. Yeah. And a tub of piss. Well, I'm on the road a lot, dude. Fuck, you're not. I'm on the road. You're on the road a ton. I like some parts. I like some parts. Oh, and obviously I have my Spittoon Solo Cup. Spittoon? Yeah. It's been the same Solo Cup for a couple of years now.

I'm kidding. That's not, that's fake. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. Yeah. We have to go through your car. Let's go through my car. Okay. You would be, honestly, I'm not even going to say what's in my trunk, but it's the most, but there's something in there that is like, so me, that's the only way. It's like a power ranger basketball or something. No, no, no, no, no, no. You'll, I can't tell you about it. One day you'll see.

Can I eventually, I mean, I'll get a hazmat suit on Amazon. Hazmat. But when that comes in, can we shoot a video of going through your car? Sure. And I can pick up anything in there. Sure, sure, sure. But you can't clean it. Okay. No problem. Yeah, you got to leave that piss in there. Yeah, that's fine.

What happens if you hit a sharp turn? Bro, God forbid. A sharp turn? Oh, like in a car crash? Piss everywhere, dude. God forbid. God forbid. For you to have a small fender bender and a jug of piss is going to fly from the backseat and hit the windshield and go everywhere. Yeah. Your DNA is going to be everywhere. Yeah, it is. It's going to be bad. Just like the driver of this car. He's covered in piss. He's drenched in urine. Yeah.

Sir, we've seen people pee their pants after car crashes, but why are you covered head to toe in pee?

That's incredible. Oh, man. Gotta do that. Anyway, that's all for this week's episode. Frank, where can they find you? At Valvers885 on Twitter. The Frank Alvers and all the forms of social media. Then go check out the Patreon. Patreon.com slash TheBasementYard. Thank you to all of our patrons and thank you to our future patrons. We really appreciate you. Go check out TheBasementYard on all forms of social media and then you can check out my co-host right here, Joe Santagato at Joe Santagato at Santagato Studios. Everything we do here is top-notch, top-quality, really good, grade-A vegetable sausage.

Yeah. And that is all. We'll see you guys next time. Goodbye.