#505 - Would You Fly "Standing Room" On An Airplane
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welcome back to the base welcome back to the basement yard there he is twiddling his thumbs how fast can you do that how fast have you ever thought about like how fast you can move those my thumbs just any finger i remember one time you were like trying to do this or something really bro if you get going on that it feels like a force of like nature like it doesn't feel like the white people roll dance yeah i hate

White people need to get back together, call a meeting, and go back over. Well, I don't know about a meeting. Because like... Yeah. They call them rallies, I think, Frank. Yeah.

They're not meetings. Well, it depends on what you wear to the meeting. It's true. And where the meeting is. Because you could wear normal clothes, but if you do it inside a government-protected building, some people will call it one thing, some people will call it another. Right. You know? But if you're out in the middle of the woods. If you're out in the middle of the woods, that's also scary. Right. You know? But, like, do this as fast as you can. And tell me it doesn't feel like there's just a force of nature in, like, you are, like, creating...

Like an atomic bomb level amount of energy. I did try this on the show and it didn't feel that way. It didn't feel like that? I also hit my knuckles against each other and that... Did you just break your hands? I hit my hand, but I'm okay.

It feels like there's just something there. You look like you're doing that boxing thing. Speed bag. Have you ever been able to do that? I can do it, like, not insanely fast. Here's Big Cock McGee can fucking do it, I'm sure. Yeah, answer. I would say it's easy, actually. By the way, I just want to point out this, you know, for those who follow the NBA, this fucking piece of shit showed up today wearing an Indiana Pacers fucking crew neck.

And I should punch you in the face. What's more crucial is that this is being recorded after game one. Yeah, that's even more crucial. And I know that there's comments, oh, they're so mean to the ants sometimes or whatever. I want to ball up all the energy I have and take it out on you like a rabid wolverine. They don't understand that we have literally made a living, and even before that, off of ragging on each other, friend banter, bing bang, bing bang, boom. You know? So, like...

He comes in here trying to poke the bear and not get a response out of us. He's come in with, by the way, I want to tell you what happened. Celtic shirts, Pacers shirts. I came in here and his office is like off to the side. And I literally just put my middle finger over there and he goes, you didn't even see my shirt. And I start walking. I hear him. He goes, I'm going to chase you. I'm going to chase you. And I sit down in my office. He opens up the door and he's wearing that. Well, he started with the finger. So really he started it. Yeah.

You wore the thing! Yeah, you gotta... You have... You came with... You're lucky I don't have weapons. If I had ninja stars, dude, they'd be in you. Oh.

That sounds sexual, but I meant like I would throw them into your skin. Right. I think Ant, he's clearly poking the bear. We asked him earlier, we were just like, you know, who are you like a fan of? And he's just like sports. He's like the game. And he's like the game. He's like my dad. He's like, I'm a better sports fan than you guys. Just want to see a good game. Oh, I'm sorry. Way to go.

You're fucking... I said it before and I'll say it again. You're that meme of Rob Lowe sitting at a game with just an NFL hat. Like, that's who you are. Let's go, refs. You know, remember those fitteds back in the day that were like... It had like the MLB logo and then it had a patch for every single...

MLB team. They had them for football and basketball as well. That's what we should get. Remember the pants. Remember the big pants. I don't remember the pants. I remember that. I don't. Wait, hold on. Before we go any further, guys, we do have some major, major news about the tour. Ticket sales going unbelievably. We've already sold more tickets than we sold all of last year. It's been incredible. And one place in particular has supported us so much that

And like every single show that we have listed in this city has sold out in literal seconds. So we're adding...

A third show to Toronto. Free. Free. Pick number three, my lord. So we're going to add another show, a third show, on August 5th in Toronto. Tickets for that show go on sale right now. Well, not right now. Technically, if you're watching this at 7 a.m. Today, June 2nd, noon. Okay, Eastern time. So at noon, June 2nd.

Which is today when this is going out to the public. So at noon, get your tickets. Our third show there. And if that sells out in seconds, I don't even know what to do. I don't even know. We're going to have to move to Scosche.

We'll have to move to the bank. We'll do the show. If we sell that third one out, we will do a show where Ant is entirely covered in Timbits. We'll tape an entire... Hanging upside down. Hanging upside down. We'll tape... Covered in some sort of oil or adhesive. Well, Timbits. But they're stuck to his body. They're stuck to him. We can tape them or glue them, but we will adhere...

how many 10 bits it takes to adhere to his skin if we sell out this third show. Right. I think that's a no-brainer. I think it's a no-brainer as well. And he's also a huge fan of any team that ever has existed in Toronto. Big Leafs fan. Big Leafs, Raptors, Blue Jays fan. You know? Yeah.

But yeah, so go to TheBasementYard.com. There's no code or anything. Just go to TheBasementYard.com at noon today, June 2nd. You will get tickets to that third Toronto show. Thank you to Toronto specifically for being so supportive over the years. And thank you to everybody. As Joey said, the tickets have sold incredibly well. There's still some available, so go to TheBasementYard.com. Click and see if they're available in the area you're coming to. If not, if you feel so inclined and you want to take a trip somewhere, it's going to be fine. Yeah.

What was that? I was stretching, but then I sounded like an old turtle. What's your go-to stretch in the morning? That's a great question. So you wake up. You wake up. You go out? You wake up. Yeah. Walk me through. Are you still in bed for your stretch? Do you get up and stretch out of bed? What are you, insane? People stretch in bed. Yeah, me. Oh, you! You stand up and stretch? Yeah, I get up and I... All right, so show me your go-to morning stretch. You probably stretch like a cartoon. Definitely makes a noise.

Yeah, you definitely make a noise. I mean... Oh! That's what you do. What, my yogi bear? Yeah, that's what I was going to say. You stretch like a bear. Oh, no, no. What a good slumber. If I make... That's how you stretch. Yeah, like, oh, I guess I'm getting a little tired. If I wake up, any noises I make during the stretch are completely involuntary. I want to make that very clear. I'm not waking up and going like...

Like, I'm not like... It's not like a cute stretch. I don't think we believe that. My stretches get ugly. That's it. How do you stretch? What do you do? My stretches are like... They like start here and then they like...

Like contorted. Did you hurt his shoulder? Shoulder. I don't know what part of my body that was, but everything popped and cracked. I think I... I don't do like cute stretches. No, me neither. I go back, I think. You go back? I go back. Well, I'm laying down. Oh, so like, do you like arch your back like a good little bitch? Okay, that's insane. That's not what happens at all. But I go back...

And then I think I go, like my face always contorts. I go like, oh yeah, you're pushing, you're pushing through. And then I go out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're pushing through the stretch. So it's like, yeah. And then, but then I get them, I get in here and I push my tits together. You push your titties? And then I, and then I, I stretch down. So you go.

Right after the glide, I go down. Pop your cleavage, arch your back, and then you just moan through it. Yeah, you're horny. No, it's funny because, like, I think the internet, like, movies, again, it's all movies. They've made it so, like, you wake up and it's like, oh, wow, good morning. Like, no. My morning stretches are like...

I'm kind of like a little bit of a gremlin in them. You know what I'm saying? I'm just like... Sometimes my hands do stuff and I'm like, what was that? Like, I'm like, I come up. Like, I'm like... You pull up. Yeah, like my arms are just like... I'm like, what am I doing? Okay. And you don't do like... I don't stand up and stretch. That's bananas. I do stand stretch. I'm yawning. I do stand stretch. I'm up here. And like sometimes I get up a little too fast and I have to stop. I'm like...

That hasn't happened to me in a while. I used to do that on purpose as a kid. Stand up really fast? Yeah, I would lay down on the couch upside down and then get up as fast as I could. How do you lay down upside down? Like with your head hanging off the couch. Oh. So like literally my feet are my head, my head is my feet, and I lay there and then I quickly stand up and I'm like... That did it for you, huh? It's like whippets without the drugs, you know? I'm very glad you're not into heroin. I guess that's a crazy thing to be doing. Yeah.

Yeah, I didn't do that. I just, you know... You didn't have any, like, cute, like, kid things that you did in terms of... I'm sure I did. I just... But I did sit on a couch normally, I think. I also sat on my couch normally. Don't try to turn this into, like, I was just a psychopath. I mean...

You got off on like just standing up real fast. See, now getting off is going down weird territory. I didn't get off. You got your rocks off? I didn't get my rocks off. My rocks were right where they needed to be. They were on tight. My rocks were on tight. Fastened. Just like those Timbits that are going to be on hand if we sell that third Toronto show. I need one. Oh, that's nice. Wait, you'd eat them off of him? One. Can I ask you a serious question? Can I ask you a serious question? Yeah, I love Timbits. I love it. No, no, no. Yeah, those are good. Whatever. Fine.

If you went to a party and there was one of those, like... Naked Asian girls? Naked sushi situation. Are you even gonna... If I had to... No one's holding a gun to your head. No, I know, but I'm saying, like... I think the answer is no. Unless it's prosciutto. Oh, so you're saying...

If it's a charcuterie board. I've always seen it as sushi. Well, one, I'd walk in, I'd see the naked girl with the food all over her, and I'd be like, oh, I'm in one of those parties. I'm going to get killed tonight. You got to go. Or bribed or blackmailed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that's what happens. Oh, yeah. Those freak offs, as they call them. Right. Yeah. FOs. Yeah.

But I would not opt for that. If I had to, though, I'd probably try to stay like up here. Like get a shoulder. The shoulders? Like a shoulder. Okay. I would even go for a boob, but I don't know. Once we start venturing. On top of nipple or are you going for like upper boob? I think we're staying as high as we can.

I think once you get around to that belly button, a belly button, I feel like is like a pool things. Pool. It is. And so belly buttons are kind of like little, like gross, like septic tanks. Like, like, like, you know, you could, I don't know. Have you ever done a body shot? I think I have. I feel like I've done a body shot. If I have, I've completely forgotten. I think I did a body shot at your house. Off of whom? One of our friends. Who was a girl? Uh, who was a girl? Who? Uh,

You don't need to say their name unless you want to let it fly. I'm not going to. I'm trying to figure out how to describe it. One of our, like, friends. They're, like, actual friends. I'm still friends with her. Oh, okay. She doesn't live here anymore. Gotcha. Yeah. I got it. Really? It was just, like... That's honestly knowing how this person was a little, like, kind of conservative. Not with her political views.

Yeah. But like with just like being the life of the party. So that sounds a little surprising. I think it was just like a... We were like, oh, it'd be a funny joke. It'd be hysterical if no one else in this room knew about this and you did it by yourself. It was literally on your kitchen counter. Don't remember that. I also...

like immediately afterwards, I was like, why did I do that? What was it a shot of? Probably something disgusting. Like Jameson. Yeah. Or like Jose Cuervo or something. Oh yeah. We're never going to get a deal with Cuervo. So you let that fly. But it was something like that. And then immediately after I was like, why the hell did I do that? Because then I just started thinking about belly buttons and I was like, mine, belly buttons, brother. Yeah. I was like, I actually like finding crumbs in my belly button. Do you eat them? I like,

Do I eat them? What am I, nine? You like finding crumbs in your belly button. I don't know the extent of your maturity. No, I never ate boogers. I never ate my belly button crumbs or any of that. Yeah. As like a little, little kid. Eight books? Like two years old or something, eight boogers. Yeah, I mean, everyone did. Two years old. Maybe three or four, but like...

I've been sentient at two years old. As soon as I started getting grossed out by it. That's one of those things that I see videos of people eating boogers and it just sends chills down my spine. Yeah, it's disgusting. Sentient at two years old. You don't know who I was at two years old, bitch. Bro, people who... When you blow your nose... Do you check it? You look at it and you go... No. No.

No? I don't want to see the mess in that. I take a peek. The mess in that. I take a peek just to make sure I'm not like blowing out some weird shit. But I don't like go there and go, oh, no. Actually, that's a lie. Sometimes I'll blow my nose and I'm like, oh, my God, there's so much coming out. You got that from your dad. Your dad used to do that. You told me that your dad would like inspect his tissues. First of all, my dad doesn't blow his nose into tissues. It's true.

Are you insane? That's fair, yeah. He would inspect his hands or your childhood blankets or something.

Yeah, I don't think I've ever seen my dad use a tissue, nor do I think they would work against his face. You would need a paper towel for that sort of thing. Well, if I blow a nose, I'm starting a fucking small hurricane somewhere. This thing. You're always with this giant nose thing. I have a big nose, and I'm proud of it. I don't think you have a big nose. It is a powerful nose. I think it's proportionate to your face. Then I also have a big face because I have a big nose. Can we see a side profile? I've got a big face. I feel like I've got a big head.

I saw a picture of me at like 14 and I was like, damn, that nose is my current nose at my then size. Maybe it was big then. Maybe it was big then, yeah. You've grown into your nose. I think so. I feel like I have such a big face. I think your face is that big. It's getting smaller. You know what? You're lucky. You're lucky you have a – like your face goes – your profile goes back. The people whose face like open up like this –

What? People have triangular faces? Like, they're just, like, wide-ass heads and faces. Oh, wide faces. Yeah, like, they suck. You don't. No? You're pretty good. Sometimes I've seen pictures of myself...

Oh, how many of us are in here? I've seen pictures of myself from like a year ago and I'm like, look at my head. I saw a picture of you from like five years ago and I was just like that hair. Thank God he fixed it. Yeah. Because you look great now. You know that what you got working for you is. Thanks. But like at the time I was just like.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know, one of the unfortunate things about being white is that usually your hairline is in all that. Yeah. And you age like spoiled milk. I don't need to be reminded of that. But I was like, why would I be doing that hairstyle if it's like... It's crazy because like you're probably at your peak of good lookingness now. Wow. And then...

You're only getting uglier from here. Every day. I'll fall off a cliff. Every day you're getting uglier. And then I'm probably going to look my best when I'm in my late 40s, mid to late 40s, early 50s. I feel like I'm offended by what you're saying. You shouldn't be. I'm not saying that you're ugly. I'm saying you're going to be ugly pretty quickly. Right. And you'll be better looking for long. We'll swap. We'll swap spots. I'm not ugly right now. But like.

I'm only getting better looking with age. Right. And I'm falling off a cliff. Falling off a cliff is dramatic. I would say you're rapidly driving downhill. So I'm driving off a cliff. No, the cliff, there's no cliff. You're not like, here, gone. It's like you're just steadily getting up there. Getting worse. Which is okay. It feels like it isn't. But I will bring it up in therapy, I think. And we'll see what she thinks. Oh, no. Did I actually hurt your feelings?

Hand me an Academy Award if I tricked you. That was very good. That was quite impressive, honestly. I could have got some tears going, probably. You could have. You should have honestly rolled with it and told me yes so I can lose sleep over it. Can you fake cry? No. I can, but I need like a full two minutes. I like try to make myself yawn. Then I get it going. Oh, you just said it. Oh, I hear you.

You ever hear that thing that's like, if you yawn and then someone else doesn't yawn at your yawn, then they're a... A psychopath or something like that? Yeah, like a serial killer. People are trying so hard to find serial killers now that it's just like, they'll look at anything. It'll be like, well, if a dog doesn't like you, it means you're a murderer. And it's like, or it's just a dog that doesn't like you. Yeah, dogs, they can sense evil. Yeah, I've heard that. My brother, because I was so afraid of tornadoes when I was younger,

We live in New York. A very, very, very obvious thing to be afraid of. I was so scared of tornadoes. As a person growing up in New York City. Yeah. So every time it rained or like a thunderstorm or it got like gray, I'd be like, oh my God, tornadoes are coming. Yeah. And I'd always be looking at the clouds thinking there was tornadoes. Well, we grew up in the age of Twister. That was one of the biggest movies from when we were kids. That's exactly what did it. And I remember my brother was like, we had birds.

Marty and Molly They survived two years But in those two years I remember my brother Used to be like If the birds are going crazy And like that's when You should worry Because they can sense weather Like bad weather See I've heard of that Yeah but they're

domesticated parakeets. Yeah, but there is a certain evolutionary instinct that they don't miss. I tell you what, the only thing that made those fucking birds squeak were food. Nothing else. Well, they say if you look, sometimes you could tell like whether if you look at like certain trees and plants. So like there are trees by where we live that they say that when it rains, they turn upside, the leaves turn upside down. And if you look at

The tree will be green. Like, the leaves will be green. And then... Because they're called... It's called a silver maple is the type of tree. Because the under part of it kind of looks like whitish silvery. Uh-huh. And sometimes when it rains, they turn a little bit. It's crazy, man. That's fascinating. Aren't trees fucking wild? Yeah, they're, like, alive. But, like, also, they're just, like... Not...

What are they? And then they're just like, yo, we're going to die for a couple months. Also, like, we breathe with you. You know what I'm saying? Like, we're cycling breath with you. Circle of life. Elton John. Like, if you... I used to... Like, and when I found out that I was breathing the shit, like... Tree piss. I mean, tree breath. Tree piss. Like...

I'm like, so if I'm in a jungle, is there just more oxygen? And I'm like breathing really well or something like that. That's a really good point. But think about where there's no oxygen and there's no trees. Space. And? Osh. Osh. Yeah. So yeah, maybe like if you go take a deep breath. There is oxygen in water though. There's a lot. But it's mixed with two hydrogen compounds. Yeah. That's why it's water.

And I actually heard that it's technically, isn't it H2O2 is water?

I don't need to not know what water is right now. I think I saw something one time that it was just like, water isn't just H2O. Apparently, it's technically H2O2. Good chance I'm wrong. Also, wouldn't make a dent in my life. What am I going to do? Wouldn't care. I'm still jumping in the pool. Wouldn't care. So that's a good, we should do that as an experiment. Let's fly you to the Amazon. No.

Give you like 10 hours to just go take as many deep breaths in the middle of the jungle. And then test my like. And then just see if you get more air. My pulse ox. Yeah, we'll find out my blood oxygen level. Ant's got something. It's saying H2O2. Hello. H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. Oh.

You know, it'd be funny to turn this podcast into one of those Jubilee videos that every time we make a claim, there's like a fact check in the corner. Bing! It's like, no, that's wrong. Just have a lower third just saying like, actually. It pops up. Yeah, that would not do. That's not it. It would be mostly that at the bottom of the screen. Hydrogen peroxide, I put that in my ears sometimes. They say yeah. They say yeah. Yeah. Like when my ears get clogged, I throw it in there and it bubbles up. Ooh, does it feel bubbly? I don't love it. Throw some champagne in that bitch. Why not?

I know that the champagne wouldn't do the same thing, but if you're going for bubbles... I'm not there for the bubbles. I mean, it doesn't fucking give you an ear infection just putting liquid in your ears? It's like, no. I mean, I hope not. Well, I was told by an old Irish woman to do it. So then it's got to be real. Yeah, it was my mom. Or it's meant to like...

Exacerbate the fucking like Catholic Irish guilt that you know, it's maybe they did it back in the day I threw it in there. You ever get soap in the mouth. No, my parents didn't do that. I got it once Soap you yeah, because I said like fuck or pussy or cock or something. Damn, dude. You said pussy I don't think I said pussy until I was like 17 but like accidentally in front of our bro. You definitely said pussy before well not pussy in the vagina sense I

definitely did no way joey pussy 17 uh that may be an exaggeration but but in but like 16 no way bro i would call like you're a pussy but no no no that's a pussy i'm looking at no you but you would say you would say lovely pussy you pussied way earlier than 16 no way earlier no i didn't

Oh, so you were a good Catholic boy. It's not about being Catholic. Because everyone else around us was pussy-ing and you were just like, not me. No, it's not about me being that. I just didn't. I don't know why. I feel like I never used that word really. I feel like I can't wait until the technology comes out that we can talk to ourselves at 12 and then just see how bullshit...

'Cause I'm honest. I was a little piece of shit. Joey was like, "Ah, you'd go home and pray, and mommy and daddy would help me clean my ears with hydrogen peroxide." And I was like, "Yo, me? D4L, dem franchise boys, pussy shit all day, you know?" I hope you guys know how flawed that is.

It's insane. One, didn't pray. Two, clean my ears by myself. Two, what are you, this big cool guy? No. Because you're listening to fucking shake that Laffy Taffy? No, no. Dude, you were gaslighting girls. No. Into thinking you were crying. No. When you weren't. Once. With your away messages. Once. Once. I, once. All of your away messages. No, the tear on the paper was once. I guess I'll just walk until I can't walk anymore because who cares? No one even cares. I just.

That's the shit you would say. Oh, Joey. Let's not talk about away messages. Joey would just be like, damn, broken heart. That's what Joey would do. That's not true. And he'd get flooded. I would do that. You'd get flooded. What I would do, I would use lyrics, but I was never like you. Oh. I feel like no one even gives a shit. You know what? We were two coins. What? We were two sides of the same coin, Joey. That's what we were. I feel like no one even cares, really.

Honestly. No, no, no. And then Joey would write a fucking like song lyric like, where are you? I'm so sorry. With a broken heart. And people would be like, oh my God, what's wrong with Joey? And then Frank would change his away message to like, my chest hurts from crying so hard. No. He'd say shit like that. No, you bullshitter. Hurt my ankle. That's the last thing I need after all the pain I've been in my whole life.

We were two sides of the same coin. I was just probably a little more of a piece of shit about the way I was getting it... Asking for attention. A hug is nuttin'. A hug is nut... No, that wasn't me. That was somebody else. That was somebody else who made their... A hug is nuttin'. I want Modendat. The days of like...

People are always just like, oh my god, being passive aggressive started with Twitter. Bro, you forgot Myspace. Your full name on Myspace sometimes is a paragraph. Someone that we know, I guess, was dating this girl or seeing this girl. And then they were leaving each other and they hugged each other and then went home. And then he changed his Myspace name to A Hug Is Nuttin'. I went Moe Dindat. Moe Dindat. He wanted Moe Dindat. Who doesn't want Moe Dindat, though?

Because let's be honest, a hug is nothing. A hug is something. I agree. But like what this person was clearly looking for. They wanted Moe. They wanted Moe than that. Then that being the hug. Not that. Right. You know, but more than the hug. That and referencing. More than what he got. Yeah. Yeah.

What was your shit? Shake that Laffy Taffy. One of them was shake that Laffy Taffy. One of them was, do you remember Josh? He's going to be editing it. So he probably just like jumped out of his chair, screaming it. Like he was just like, one of them was, uh, when I like got together with like a girl that I had previously broken up with. And it was like, finally sheesh. Yeah.

Josh, like, I don't remember the last time you brought it up, but for, like, years after that, I would always just say, like, finally, sheesh. Sheesh. Oh, sheesh. Finally.

It's insane. Yeah. What are you going to do? We were. We were. Children do. We were. We were kids. And we did. My mom got super pissed at me because one time I made my away message like, running around the house naked. Like, catch me if you can. My mom's like, what the fuck is that? You see what I'm saying? Like, that's what yours were. You know where I got that from? Mine were just like, damn, like, heartbreak means something to me. And yours were just like, I'm naked. Like, oh, I'm showering.

Like, oh my God, so sweaty after that basketball game where I scored 500 points. Like, that's what he would do. And then I am the psycho. I was. First of all, you were both. You make it seem like, oh man, my heart's so broken. It's like, one, your heart wasn't broken. You were lying. No, I probably was heartbroken over. For what? Four hours? I mean.

Back then, heartbreak was so different than what it is now. Now we have the benefit of maturity and responsibility on our side. The benefit of maturity. We do. Back then, that four-hour heartbreak was the worst four hours of your entire life, Joey. Got that right. You're damn right. Oh, man. But we do have some sponsors to start to talk about here, okay? So we can't have the show without Stamps.com. Stamps.com, it brings all the amazing...

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And yeah, it's a fraction of the price of in-person therapy, which is probably the biggest deterrent, I would say. There was also like a study recently that like 26% of people felt like the thing that deterred them away from therapy was the fact that they'd be judged. But in my experience as someone who's felt like that before and then turned to therapy, like,

it's just not true. So if anyone out there is feeling like, Oh, I don't want to be judged or, you know, be uncomfortable or whatever, like I'm telling you, it's going to be very, a really good experience and you should, you know, definitely jump in. And if you want to, you can do so with better help. Like I said, they're more affordable than in-person therapy. So you can save some money and you can also save 10% off your first month when you go to better help.com slash basement yard. Okay. That is B E T T E R H E L P.com slash basement yard. So,

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Sorry. I'm out of breath. As Joey said at the top of the show, we're adding a third Toronto show, which is going to be on August 5th. So go check that out. Also, if you're coming to any of the other shows, or if you're not coming to any of the other shows, go check out. Tickets are still available in some cities. So go to TheBasementYard.com and you'll see the list of shows and then check out which one you might want to take a trip to or it's in a city near you.

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A lot of these places have been pretty crazy and wild, and they've made some really fun, interactive experiences for everyone at the show. So go check it out, thebasementyard.com slash submit. You're not going to feel bad about it. You're not going to feel good about it. You're going to just do it, okay? That's the ending part of that. I have a question for you. Go. Have you seen this whole nonsense about airplanes now offering, well, next year offering standing seats?

On certain flights? Yeah, I think I would do it. If it was like a short flight. A short flight is what? Like from here to Toronto. It's like an hour. You'd stand for an hour on a flight? I've stood for an hour. How can I ask? How does that not like... Do you need to be seated for takeoff and landing? Because I know like they say like the fucking rules. You need to be here. You need to be... This needs to be closing. Yeah, you have to like... Yeah. But like...

So like, what do you do in that situation? Fucking, I think you strap in like a, what's it called? Like a roller coaster? Yeah. Kind of got me on board there now. I do love a good roller coaster. Yeah. And like, you just, you just chill. So what is, let's say. The climb might be weird though. Very weird. That's why I'm wondering like, are you going to be sitting or standing? I feel like I could stand right now on a plane and be like, I'm good. What's the longest a flight would be for you to not do standing?

Or short. I guess I should say short. That was the worst way I could have asked that question. Not long. I don't know. Two and a half hours might be too long. But it would depend. It would depend on the situation. So, like, I am a travel snob at this point in my life. Really? I don't think... Like, I mean, you would know better than I would. Well, like, I don't... Like, I like to spend on travel. Like, if I'm going to travel, I was like, okay, I want to be as comfortable as possible. That makes sense. But, like...

If a standing, but to a certain degree. So like that's what I'm saying, like a flight to Toronto. Like I'm not booking a first class ticket to a flight for Toronto. You know what I mean? Like I'm not doing that. Yes. Like that feels like a waste of money. That makes sense. What is like the rate? So like let's say. If it's like main cabin. Let's say main cabin is $200. Okay. And then standing is like $175. Is it worth the $25? No.

All right. Oh, no, no. What's worth the $25? Is it worth only the $25 difference? Oh, to do standing? Yeah. No. So it needs to be significantly cheaper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I'm going to stand, bro, then if seats are $200, then standing room would be like $60. Wow, that's a lot cheaper, dude. I mean, I'm fucking standing here. That's a lot cheaper. Yeah. I don't know. Clearly, the people that are coming up with these designs...

Have forgotten about the mid-2000s and party buses because clearly the people have nopped on a party bus. You think we're going to strap you in, though? Bro, do you remember how chaotic party buses were? Everyone was holding on and then would just... They would try to dance at a red light and then it would move and they were... Yeah. That'd be all over the place. You know? Like, this shit is, like... That shit is dangerous. Yeah, but...

So you know what's funny? A while ago I saw a video of the CEO of Ryanair, which is like an affordable airline in Europe, talking about standing only. And then he had made the – they were like, how safe is that? And he's like, it's actually incredibly safe. And I don't know the reasons why or the research. That's all I have to say. But if someone like that who – Ryanair famously, zero plane crashes –

their whole airline. But if that dude is saying like it is safe, I also believe that it's safe. I just, I don't... Like to stand there? I just... Landing is weird. First of all, Europe, brother. The longest flight that's there is what? An hour? Tops? Unless they're coming here. Yeah, well then, I mean, if someone took... Bro. And someone's gonna do this. Or Africa. I mean, they had...

pretty big access to Africa right there. Well, northern tip of Africa. I mean, the rest of Africa is ginormous. they could get flights that are like four hours, five hours and shit. Bro, you would do a four or five hour flight standing only? Nah, that's crazy. I don't think, it's gonna, like someone's gonna do it.

to me. What happens if you get tired? Like, can I just like take a little seat? So when I saw the seats, they're like, they look like they're in like the seating position. Can you pull up a picture of them? Like they're in the seating position and then the like bottom falls out and it's like a, it's more like a lean, like a healthy lean almost. A healthy lean. Like it's not entirely like on a bus, like people stand and shit like that. A lean seat? Yeah. See, like. Wait, is this Ryanair? Cause those are yellow. I don't, I don't know.

Whatever. Click on it. I'm not sure, but these are the designs. They're kind of pseudo standing. First of all, that looks way harder than just standing. Yeah, you're squatting. You're doing wall sits on this flight. Yeah, what the fuck? I changed my answer to 45 seconds. That's standing? That's not. I don't think. The one that I saw was like the one in the top left. This is what they're considering. The top left is the one that I saw. And it starts in a seated position and then it opens up a little more.

It looks the same as these. I would have to get in it. You would have to strap me up. I would need to be either... Through my crotch like a baby. Like those old baby seats? Yeah, like that. I would need to be either completely standing or completely sitting. This whole like...

Half in, half out bullshit. Yeah, come on. Not going to work for me, man. I'm not doing this bent knee. Oh, maybe they do that because I heard that if you're straight-legged for an extended period of time... You could pass out. Yeah, it's like your circulation is... Yeah, I've heard... I've not seen people do that, but I've heard of people, firsthand accounts. I read here that it says that they're pretty much not going to be on flights over two hours. It's designed for planes to go under two hours. Yeah, that's smart. Okay.

I would definitely do it for the story too. Just to say today I would do it. You have to go and raw dog it. Yeah, that's fine. I think, hear me out. Oh, I got an idea. Turbulence like that is probably better. No, because then you have no, like at least when I'm seated, I feel like I can just be in my seat. Like if I'm standing up, it's like I have nowhere to go but down.

Hey, that's the reality anyway. I know, but I mean like in terms of standing, it could be double down. Like I could fall and then be down. What if? Because a lot of airlines – airlines, are you listening? Big plane. Yeah.

They're looking for like the next evolution in like air travel and like making things more luxurious and shit like that. And I'm not talking like the ultra luxury brands. Oh, I was about to say something ultra luxurious. Like, no, not like Virgin or Qatar, like airlines. That's one, right? Yeah. I would say Virgin is like crazy. Oh, I don't know. Emirates, I know, is one. Like the mom and pop brands. Although they're not mom and pop brands. Delta, United, JetBlue, them. Okay. Yeah.

They make it... Bless you. What were you saying? All that. What were you saying? All that. Instead, now, you can book, like, seats at a bar on a plane. And, like, that's your standing seat. But it's at a bar. On a stool? But, no, no, no, no. Oh, the standing one. The standing one is at a bar. It's like you can sit at the bar on the flight. That'd be fire. And it's like... I mean, if they have a bar on the plane, then you can just wait until it gets up there and then you can walk around. Yeah.

No, fuck that. But your seat is at the bar. If you're a real alcoholic. Yeah. You know? And you're just like... So they have like... You know, like... Let's use Delta as an example. They have Delta One. Okay? That's like premium. Yeah. You know, like bang. Then they have like Extra Plus or whatever. Or whatever it's called. Yeah. And then they have like Comfort. And then they have Main Cabin. Get rid of Extra Plus. Okay. And just put a bar...

And the seats are just at the bar. Yeah. And there's a bartender on one of those... You know how VR games, they strap them in and they can turn and walk around and stuff like that? Yep. Put them in one of those so they're safe. This is not necessary. So not safe. What are you saying? They are safe. Yeah. Right. I trumped it there. I don't know why. And then they're just like, you're sitting at the bar for two hours for your flight. I was thinking that...

I can't believe they don't, you know, like the ultra rich people don't do this where it's like, if you got to fly to Australia, bro, just put me under. Wake me up when we get there. I mean, people do that with like... Do they? They take like...

allergy medicine and shit like that when they get on planes don't they no i'm saying like anesthesia oh like gas my room and then like i'll fall asleep bro gas the cabin put us all out and then fucking wake us up i don't like that because sometimes you need the passengers like is there a doctor on board we have an emergency no emergencies if everyone's taking a snooze

Or someone has a bad reaction to anesthesia. That too. Does that happen? You're the one that said you're afraid of that movie Awake. I am. I've never been put under. I've been put under. I talk all this shit like that I would, but I would never do that. On a fucking plane? My, like, unconscious body? What if it... It ain't happening. Bro, one time... By the way, I've been doing this thing where I don't wear my seatbelt when we land. Bro, I'm gonna tell you something. Wear it. You should wear it. Because...

I did it once and it was, I guess I just had a really good flight. I don't actually like do this all the time, but I did do it. The first time I did it by accident. The second time I did it on purpose. The first time I didn't realize that we were landing and we landed perfectly. And I was like, why do they make you wear your seatbelt? Is that just like, cause of insurance or they have to, so they could say, I like, it was just some stupid shit that I was thinking. This is the whole where, like the approach where you take, where it's just like, you don't need to check out of hotels. That's all a myth. I don't check out of hotels. Do you check out of hotels? No.

No, honestly. Frank, like, has to check out. Yeah, because it's courtesy. Because these people need to know that I'm gone. But I'm usually leaving at the time that I have to leave anyway. Sometimes you may not. But I'm still not checking out. Crazy. But go ahead. I just don't. But anyway, what was I even saying? The whole, like, when the plane lands and stuff like that. Oh, so the second time that this happened, I was like, I'm not going to wear my seatbelt. Like, whatever. Last time I was chilling. I almost went under the fucking seat. Really?

Because when you hit the ground and then they hit the brakes, bro. Laws of motion, babe. My asshole almost fucking flew under. Yeah, I mean, you think about it. You're going from, when you're landing, probably slower, 300 miles per hour to...

So like, yeah, your body's going to keep moving. Same idea with a car crash. Well, it's not until that they hit the brakes. Like you're already on the floor and then they hit the brakes really hard. And then you're kind of like that. I almost slid underneath the seat in front of me. And I was like, never doing that again. That's such a... Bro, did I ever tell you the story about the old Asian dude who took my seatbelt? Yeah, you did. Did I tell you that? Yeah, you did. I was on a flight and there was this old Asian guy sitting next to me and I had a middle seat.

So I was a little confused about where my seatbelt was because I couldn't find it. I was like, okay, I have one of them. And then I look over. He's buckled in and he's holding mine. Like he's bracing himself basically. So I was kind of like this guy seems like he's nervous to fly. Like I'm not going to like take his thing from him or whatever. But he held on to it. So I was just kind of like going up with the flight. It was crazy. You got to ask him and be like, hey, can I have it back please?

Yeah, I just figured the dude was like scared to fly or something because he was holding on to that. Clearly, he knew he took my belt. And he was just like, no, I'm scared, which I'm sympathetic to because I used to be very afraid of flying. Good for you. And there was another time our girl came on my flight. I thought I was going to have a free seat next to me. This is in Vegas going home. She got on the flight. Her sandal was blown to shit and she was sweating like crazy. And I was like, oh, she just ran for the plane.

But then she sits down and she's fucking terrified of flying. And she's audibly, when the plane's just like driving on the runway, like on the tarmac, she's like not having a good time. We're climbing and she's freaking. Oh, no. And this was already like, this was like one of my first kind of flights and shit like that. So I'm just like, yo, shut up. Fuck.

Like in my head, I'm saying like yo, please stop you're making this worse for me, but I couldn't say anything She's going whoa like that. It's like it's at night. It was a red-eye, bro. I was up I couldn't it was terrifying like think about how much worse that makes it when someone oh, oh You know I am anytime someone brings up like something happened on the fight. I'm like shut up. Yeah Frank just goes into a zone. He's like turbulence Yeah

In my head, it doesn't exist anymore. Yeah, you're like, nope, it's fine. I'm literally in a truck. Yeah. Or I'm in Jell-O. That's not what I say. That's what the internet says, which makes no sense. You ever been on one of those flights that has a full bar? Like you can walk up to it? Never. Like the very big airplanes? No, never. I think you can only do that if you're going to Abu Dhabi. Let me guess, Big Dick McGee, you have. No, I have not. Oh, yeah. He's like, have you ever done it? I have. Have you ever done that? Well, guess who has? This guy with the 10-inch flask. Oh.

Yeah, no, I haven't. That would be lovely, though. Or, like, take a shower, which is kind of dumb, but... I mean, yeah, there are those flights that are, like, 20-hour flights, and you can pay, like, $30,000 to have basically, like, a studio apartment on a plane. Which, if I had, like, money to just blow $20,000... First of all, I don't think I'll ever be getting on a flight that's longer than five or six hours. But, like... You have... Six hours to Europe. Oh, okay.

But you would. You've already been there. If you were a little further, it would be seven hours. I don't, like, it's scary. Then I live on there, you know? Seven hours? Yeah. It's like, this is too long. Hawaii's long. I wouldn't do Hawaii. You refuse to get on a flight longer than six hours. I don't refuse, but the idea of it is something I would need to be coerced into. What is it about the time that's scary? It's just too long.

What does that mean? I just don't like it. What do you mean? No, I get like turbulence and like, you know, you're just when you're like, you're just in the air too long. Our bodies are not made to be there to be in the air. We're supposed to like every now and then like touchdown, just like check in with the ground. Like I could do like it would suck. But if it was like 12 hour trip.

And it was like broken up into like four three-hour flights or three four-hour flights or two six-hour flights or six two-hour flights. Enough. I would do that. Okay. What about like... Or eight 1.5-hour flights, you know? Yeah. That's what I was going to say. Imagine that. It's like, yeah, you can go, but there's eight layovers. You would never go to like Amsterdam or...

Or like Sweden or something? You didn't hear what I said. Oh, you had to break it up. Yeah, I could break it up. But like these people that are just like, oh, I flew to Australia and it was a 12-hour flight and then another 12-hour flight and then another 10-hour flight. It's like, just don't go, dude. We're just not, maybe we're just not meant to go there. And that's okay. Like, accept it.

We just don't need to do it. I mean, the question, I guess it begs the question, what are we meant to do? That's a great question. I don't have an answer for it. We were meant to live for so much more without no time. I don't remember or know the lyrics. Okay. So like Australia is out of the question. You're never. Yeah, I have no. What about Japan? You want to go to Japan? I would like to, but I would hope that they figure something out by the time I decide I want to go.

What? We're going to get an Elon Musk rocket ship? Well, they've said that they have discussed planes that could do the trip from here to London in an hour and a half. Right. Terrifying, but...

Blasting through the sky, dude. It's something, right? Like, it's a choice. I'm not saying that, like... What does that cabin feel like? Or maybe it feels normal. I feel like it'd be like when you're on one of those, like, not roller coasters, but, like, remember at the fair? Yeah. They had those... You stick to the wall. Yeah, you stick to the wall, and then you could, like... You know? I feel like it'd be that, which...

Wouldn't be ideal, but, you know. So if you were to go to Japan or, like, Australia or whatever, it would have to be like, all right, we're going to stop in France. I feel like there's no way to get to Australia that isn't at least a 15-hour flight. Because, like, unless it's legit, like, 10 flights. You're stopping everywhere. Yeah. You would have to stop in, like, France and then, like. It would be like, yeah, France. But even that's nine hours, right? No, France is six hours. Okay, so, like, France and then, like.

somewhere else somewhere else somewhere in between those two but then like like russia or some shit oh you probably have to like i don't even know russia brother russia's just going fucking right away i forgot who someone in my group chat asked us this but like

I think it was Joe. How close do you think Russia is to the United States in miles? Like the closest points of those countries, how close are they? Well, there's that thing that connects Alaska and Russia, and it's like a couple miles. The Bering Strait. The Bering Strait. Yeah, isn't that like six miles? That was not the answer I gave, but yes, you're right.

I didn't know. So I didn't know that was Russia. I'm smart. I told you guys. I think the answer is six miles. I'm saying the Bering Strait, though, is like the thing that connects them. Yes, yes. But it's under 100 miles. I said like 4,000 miles. No. Yeah, it's very close. The joke. I had no idea. Remember the joke that Sarah Palin said? She was like, I could see Russia from my house.

You know? Damn, you sound just like her. What is it? What is the actual mileage? Did you look it up? I thought he knew. I think it's like 40-something. I only know that because of the risk board. I know Alaska and the thing on the other side is connected. What an insanely loserish answer. I know because of the risk board? Goodness gracious. You know, we don't judge where people get their facts. You know what? You're right. Okay. 2.5 miles.

Two? Pretty close, yeah. Wait, what did you look up? The closest point the U.S. and Russia are separated by. 2.5 miles. That's crazy. I thought the answer was like 40 or something.

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Whatever you want. I forgot what you were saying. He had to move us away from the fact that he gets most of his world knowledge from Risk. Forgot about that. Is there any, like, worse, like... I love board games. But, like, in terms of, like...

The worst board game. Is there anything worse than Risk? Monopoly. No way. Monopoly's so fun. Monopoly's incredible. You're also naming very popular boards. There's some bad boards. I know they're popular. I'm not saying that they're not popular, but like, you know who else was popular? Hitler. How do you feel about that, Ant? Hard H getting demonetized there. All right. Who...

The worst board game. Name. There's some bad ones. There's a board game called Diplomacy. Very bad board game. What is that like? I imagine it's just like a UN meeting that you need to like. There's some bad board games. Catan's good though. You guys love Catan. He loves Catan. I've yet to play Catan. I'll tell you what. I played at his house the other day. They've all been playing by the wrong rules for about 14 years. First of all, the first time I played that game was like three years ago. Second of all.

That wasn't the other day. That was like last year. Was it? It was not 2025. And I was blacked out on wine. So that's... I think what makes Monopoly fun is like you can kind of like... Your inner Tony Soprano could come out. You know what I'm saying? Like you could just be like, listen up. You can make deals under the table.

You can strong arm people into certain things. Steal money from the bank. I never, you know, I understand why that's a thing. People do that. I like to win legit. You know? We know that the cream of the crop in board games is cranium. Duh. I like cranium. I like Trivial Pursuit. Trivial Pursuit's too smart for me.

It depends. Like it asks about like Anne of Green Gables and shit like that. You need an updated one. You can't be like, oh, this 1970s cartoon. I'm like, all right, bro. What is this? Yeah. There was one actually. It made the rounds a couple years ago. It was a Trivial Pursuit card and it was like the entertainment question on the card. And it was like, which of these actors has never played Batman? And at the time it was accurate. And the choices were Michael Keaton, Christian Bale, Adam West, Ben Affleck.

And then it was like, oh, shit, well, someone has played Batman since then. Damn. Risk, like, my father-in-law- I've never played Risk. He keeps trying to get me to play it, and I hear it's fun, but it just seems like such a chore. Is it like armies, and you gotta- Yeah. My mom's side of the family used to play when they were younger every week, and it could ruin families. Every week? Yeah. Oh, dude, Parcheesi? Bro, wait, hold up.

Are we skipping over the fact that your family would play Risk every week? That's cute. That's a good family thing. They got together. I wasn't around yet. It was a while ago. Risk every week is bananas. There would be some fights. I think it's a very common thing that families do, like board game night every week. We used to do that growing up. I'm saying Risk every week is insane. Yeah, that might be a little much. We used to play a lot of Scrabble. I hate... Really? You don't like Scrabble? I really dislike smart board games.

Because I don't want to be smart when I'm having fun. Cranium, there's trivia. I know, but it's just like fun trivia. Like you need to be smart for Scrabble. You need to have like knowledge outside of just general nonsense knowledge. It's words. I know, but like certain words, like people get too into it. And I don't like that. I don't like when people start doing the two letter words. It's like, oh, QI, triple letter. And I'm like, fuck you. Yeah, I just, I feel like.

Risk is one of those that I'm just not a big fan of. But Sorry, Trouble. Sorry's underrated. Trouble's underrated. You know what I recently played and it's a lot of fun? Do you remember Perfection? Oh, were you taking the pieces out of the bag? No, you need to put them in the thing. Oh. And it's like it's popping up or like the timer's going and then it pops up at the end. Yeah, yeah. That shit is fun as hell. Wait, oh, I was thinking Operation.

Oh, yeah. Operation's fine. Similar game, but... It's okay. It would just, like, be the... Oh, it would... It would... It would... Yeah. That shit was intense. What's the one... Ooh, you know what I loved? I've never played an actual round of this, but I just liked fucking with it. Mousetrap. We have Mousetrap. The pieces might be destroyed somewhere, but it's okay. Yo, I love videos of, like, anything that's, like, dominoes, but it goes on for, like, ten minutes. Or it's, like...

A marble that like lands in this thing and the thing spins and drops it in here. What are those called? I love that. Rube Goldberg. Rube Goldberg are what those are called. Rube Goldberg? Yeah. They're like, it'll be like to make coffee and it like starts with a marble and all that shit. It's so cool. I saw one where a guy had a whole machine to like help him get into bed and it like brushed his teeth and like made his bed. I was like, this is so cool. Yeah, that's a little too much. It always reminds me of that scene in Casper. Yes! Oh, yeah.

I love Casper, but I'm okay with Rube Goldberg's. They're cool, but setting them up as such, I imagine a chore. Oh, I don't want to do that. I just want to watch them. You just want to see them already done. Yeah. I love when people do the dominoes, and it's like a big domino thing of Mario riding Luigi, and it's just like in one. You've never seen that? Mario riding Luigi. I meant Yoshi. You know what? I'm sure in the right parts of the internet, that one exists too. You know what I love? When dominoes reveal a picture of two brothers fucking each other.

Two cartoon brothers having at it. Going crazy on each other. I misspoke. Forgive me. Before we started recording, Ant asked a question. Yeah. And it was a really good one that I don't particularly know if I have any more answers to. But the question was, if you could have a billion dollars, but you could only buy things that start with the letter that your name starts with. So you can only buy things starting in J, F.

Jungle juice. Oh. Oh. Why would you buy that? My snap answer was jewelry. Jewelry. But that's a good one. I said fruit. Yeah, but you could buy that now. I know. A billion dollars. How much fruit are you buying? A lot of fruit. I could buy... There's expensive fruit, too. Those, like, Japanese melons and shit like that. Jellyfish. Why would you buy jellyfish? I don't know. But he can. He can. I can get one from my fish tank. You could buy a jet. Oh.

A jet. Oh, you can buy a jet. That's great. And I could buy an F1 car or an F1 racing team. Oh. Oh. I think we're going to say like an F150. I'm like, all right, bro. Come on. No, I'm not. A good truck, I guess. I guess, but not for me. Not for a billionaire. You know, I'm not a...

An F1 racing team. That's not bad, right? That would be awesome. Would a billion dollars get me... That's a good question. I don't know. Any part of it? Because it's owned by Ferrari. I'm sure you would. Who else owns them? Ferrari. Someone else. I know so much. You know what it is? I know so much about F1. Ferrari. Red Bull. Red Bull. Aston Martin. Williams. What else you got? What else you got?

I know so much about F1 that it's hard for me to keep up with. It's tough. Well, I mean... Audi's become... Or Cadillac. Well, Cadillac is like slowly trying to get themselves in. Right. You know, but... You know. What else? Ant said he'd buy an airplane. He also said an air hangar. Well, I would need that for my airplane, obviously. That's fair. Honestly, he's kind of right. What can I get? What else can I... You could just buy air... Jungle Cat!

I could buy a jungle cat. But what are you going to put them in? What am I going to put them in? Yeah. A cage. Can't buy a cage. Oh, it's like everything. Everything. Everything, babe. How do I survive? I can only eat jelly beans. Jambalaya. Jambalaya. Great. Never mind. I'm chilling. Jambalaya. Jambalaya. Those are delicious. Oh, I didn't even think of things with silent J's. Yeah. Jambalaya.

Others. Go ahead. Jambalaya. Jolly fruits. Jolly bee. Jolly bees. Japanese food. Japanese. Oh, you're chilling, brother. You're chilling. Can I buy...

I could buy Finnish food, which is probably like fermented shark or something. Probs. I could buy... Frankfurter? Frankfurter. I'm living on hot dogs, baby. Hell yeah. I'm dead in a month. Yep. If I only eat hot dogs and fruit. Me, jambalaya and jelly beans. I'll meet you there. I mean, Japanese food. They got some stuff in there. That's true, yeah. F.

I can have a steak in Frankfurt. French fries. I can have a steak in Frankfurt, Germany. That's not how that works. I think you can buy part of a city, can't you? For a billion? Bro, I thought you meant a steak that you would eat. Oh, no, no, no. I was like, you can't eat steak. No, like I can own a piece of Frankfurt, Germany. What's J? I mean, fried foods I could eat. I'm going to be dead very quickly. Nothing that I could like. You could buy like jogging equipment.

A jeep? Shoes? A jet ski? A jet ski?

Jogging equipment. I mean... Shoes? Sneakers? Yeah. I mean, any... Or, like, nipple... Like, you guys love getting your nipples fucked up. Taped up. Right? I have two shirts that don't make my nipples hurt. Okay. So, you could buy jogging equipment. Shirts fall into that. I could buy... Jersey Mike's. Ooh. Not the worst sandwiches in the world. No. I like Jersey Mike's. Honestly, I had them once, and I was like...

This is what Subway should be, minus a lot of stuff that Subway is, you know? Yeah. What about jumping jacks? Jump rope? Jump rope. Jack in the boxes? Jump rope. Oh, I'm sorry. Apartment building for myself. I'm buying that, by the way. Yeah. Are you buying an apartment building? Can't get a house, though. I can't get a house. Oh.

Well, you could buy like a... You could buy apples. You could buy... Anal beads? Bro, you could buy steak and apple. That's a good one. That's a good one. Apple, yeah. You could buy a ton of AirPods. Back to apple. Apple iPhone. Apple laptop. Anus.

Yes, technically. I don't know. Oh, Frankie, factory. Buy a factory. I could buy a factory that makes what, though? Nothing. Frankfurters. You know? I could buy... Fort. I could buy a fort. That's where I'll live. In the fort? I'll live in a fort. Where am I going to live? In the jet? You could buy like... Netflix just bought Fort Monmouth. I could buy Fort anything. What if I bought a... You can buy several coffee... Jennifer Lopez!

No. Well. Jennifer Aniston? Again, I don't think the person was the issue. I think maybe the purchasing humans was. You could buy several copies of the 1997 classic Jingle All the Way. Right. I could buy any movie that starts in F, you know. Fast and the Furious. I hate those movies. Enjoy, buddy. I could own it. Yeah. I could buy. Ginger. Nope. Jar Jar Binks.

Jar Jar Binks lifelike statue. Yeah. See how much that gets you. Oh, no. You'll only dip into your billion dollars and you'll have $999,999,999 left. Everyone better that I made that joke? Yeah. I feel like after the second round of 99s, you're like... I would buy fire... Fire?

Fireplace. Fireplace. Firewood. For my fort. Firewood. Fire starters. You could buy a firefighter. A firestone tire. A fire department. I could buy a fire department. For what reason? Just in case. I could buy firefighters. I could buy your dad. He's not a firefighter anymore. He was once and always, brother. It's a brotherhood. It is. And it's for life. You can have a jacuzzi. A jacuzzi, a jet ski, and a jet. But nowhere to live. Nowhere to live. I mean, you could live in like a jungle house.

Okay. You can live in a... Oh, a... Yeah. You could buy JNCO jeans. Joey's gonna buy JNCO jeans. Jenga. You could buy a lot of Jenga. I could buy... This is... Fucked up piece of shit. Okay. I could buy film studios. Oh, you can. Why not? Billion dollar? I don't know. I mean, you could probably buy a steak in them. Yeah. More steak.

That's all I got. I mean, I don't think J is a bad name. J is a good one. A is a really good one too. I feel like jewelry and then I could pawn that, but then I would have more money that I can't buy stuff. I could buy fancy stuff. If I just put fancy in front of it, can I buy it?

Like, oh, that's a fancy car. Oh, that's a fancy house. No. If you could do that, then I could do, can I buy a house, a water bottle? But a is, fancy is an adjective. A is just. And then I could do like, I can't do that. No, you can't. I could get a, just a house. Just a house. Just a house. Just a house. Just a house. Just a whatever I want. Oh, if your name is Walter, can you get whatever I want?

I mean, if we're avoiding just a house. That's true. But I got nothing. Walter. That's the name you went with. Name another W name. Whitney. Male. William. William, yeah. Fuck. Sorry. One more. Walrus. Walrus. This is my son, Walrus. If I had a child and I named them Walrus, what would you say to my face? How did you land on Walrus?

All right. Do we do another, like, turn in the San Agato Studios acting course? We'll do an acting thing. All right. I'm naming my kids something insane. All right. And then you're just... What's your name? Give me backstory. No. Oh, we're just acting now. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Ready? Oh, my God. First of all... He, she, they, them. What are we going with pronouns for this baby?

It's a boy walrus, Frank. It's my baby. So I'm telling you. I'm coming into the scene. Oh, I'm not meeting the baby. I'm coming into the scene. I have the baby. You have the baby with you. Okay. It's not a walrus, right? No, it's a baby named walrus. All right, I'm in. All right. Okay. And this is, you're in the hospital. Okay. So I'm coming out. I'm like. Why are you coming out of the hospital? I'm coming out of the room with the baby. Okay. So you're meeting me in the hallway. You didn't even invite me into the room? Yes.

My wife's in there. She's fucking opened up. She's, you know, give her some space for God's sakes. Oh, so this is immediately after. Yeah. So in this situation. Yes. This is immediately after the cesarean. Yes. You go from taking your child. No, it was naturally born. Oh, well, you said opened up. I mean, like her shit was opened by a baby. Okay.

I mean, they recover. Yeah, I know. Okay. But I'm saying, like, she's still... She doesn't want visitors. I respect that. Okay. That's fine. No problem. So I'm walking out with this very fresh baby. Okay. You know? Yeah. But he's been hosed off. Hosed off? That's hysterical. He's been hosed off. And, you know, he's good. You know? Yes. So now I'm coming outside. All right. You're coming out of the room. Are you opening the doors? Is it a sliding automatic? Meet...

Oh my God. Walrus. Wow. We named him Walrus Santagato. Wow. Hold the hat. Oh my God. He is. How's everyone doing? She's doing okay. You know. Oh my God. He's incredible. Can I hold him? Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. You already. Yeah. Where'd you get the name from? We like, it's her favorite animal.

It's her favorite animal. And like, I don't know. I just think like the name walrus just kind of like sounds cool. We're going to call him Wally. Okay. Yeah. You don't like it? No, listen, man. It doesn't matter what... I'm going to love this bundle of joy no matter what his name is. Right. But what do you think of the name? I think it's a choice. I support it though. So cool. Wally? Wally West. The Flash. And walruses are cool animals. Why'd you say it's a choice? Well...

It is by definition. You don't like it? No, I do! I think it's so cool. Can I have my baby back? I think... Hold on. Give me my baby. I just had the baby. Hold on. Hold on. Give me my fucking baby. Security! Give my fucking baby now, Frank. He's yelling at me. This is not his baby. Frank. Give me my baby, you son of a bitch! We're gonna be okay. We won't name you Walrus. That's a newborn. We won't name you Walrus anymore. And scene.

Incredible acting. Yeah. I would rescue your child named Walrus. The way you were running and slamming a newborn in your... Unbelievable. Not naming my child Walrus, so there's that, but... Let me ask. Serious question. Okay. How much money would it take to give me the naming rights to your firstborn child? There's not an amount of money. Oh, so like for free? The other way. So like you'll pay me?

No, I feel like you're ignoring the obvious one that I'm saying, which is there isn't enough, an amount. You don't trust me to name your child? I don't want you to name my child. It's not about wanting. It's not about trust. It is trust. It isn't trust. Do you think I would name him something or her? Uh-huh. Oh my God. I said him first though. Do you think? I'm not pregnant. Do you think I would pick a good name? It's not about that. I'm asking that though. Do I think you would pick a good name? Yeah. Your kids have good names. Thank you.

Would you let him do the middle name? No. Would you let me do... That was more intense than the first name. And yeah, why is the middle name more important? Because it's like that changes something. It's naming a child. Got it. That's the overall reason why. It's going to be the most traditional white names for children. It'll be like Maria Angelina and Joseph William.

He's looking at me, isn't he? He is looking at you. You're talking about my unborn children in a disrespectful way. No. And I told you that your kids have great names. My kids do have great names and I appreciate that. I'm just... I need to protect. Right. Protect what? Your kids from you. Right. This kid's gonna be... Can I just see him? You have him, apparently. Oh, that's right. Stop running. Um...

Anyway, I think that's all we have for today. But guys, don't forget, like we said, we are adding a third show in Toronto on August 5th. Tickets go on sale at noon, June 2nd, which should be today if you're watching it on YouTube on the day this comes out. June 2nd, TheBasementYard.com. Tickets go on sale at noon.

August 5th. We'll see you there in Toronto. And also, you know, there's tickets to other shows that are available as well. Go to thebasemirror.com. Get your tickets there. Fill out the forms so that we can, you know, interact with you guys during the show. You know, thebasemirror.com slash submit to do any of that. And yeah, we're going to find you.

With your baby somewhere. Yeah, apparently. I have your child Walrus with me. Try to get Frank to act out a scene where I have a weird name of a baby and then he's kidnapped it. I don't know how we got there. I mean, things happen. Things absolutely happen. You know where to find me. Falvers885 on Twitter, X, whatever. The Frank Calvers everywhere else. And then the Basement Yard. Patreon.com slash the Basement Yard. Go see the shows. Go bing, bang, boom. Bing, bing, bang, boom it. Walrus and I are going to start a new life in my purchased property in Frankfurt, Germany.

Enjoy that. I hear it's actually kind of nice, Frankfurt, Germany. All right. Yeah, so... You're just letting me leave with your kid? That's all. We'll see you guys next time. I have a jet and I'm coming over with a jungle cat and a jet ski. I'm going to kill you. I mean, the jungle cat won't be able to differentiate me from the baby. It'll probably eat the baby first because that's quicker. We'll see you guys next time.