154: Were Cruel Intentions Involved?
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I mean, people came for us for using the word borrow wrong. So it's just it's you don't know these days what's going to happen. I'm sorry for all of our grammar police out there. I listened. I listened back with Brian, my boyfriend. Did he not hear anything wrong? No, he laughed way too hard. He's like, you got a bit that's hilarious. I'm like, it's not that big of a deal.

Do you say lend or borrow? I mean, I think I do say lend normally. I don't know. I'm not. Maybe I don't. I don't know. Actually, now that I think about it, I've always said borrow. Really? There's a lender and there's a borrower. Yeah. So you borrow something from someone who's lending it. Yeah. It is correct. Like you're not wrong. You're absolutely. You don't borrow something out. That doesn't make sense. So I do. Yeah.

Oh, got it. So personally, I do. And then you ruin it. Yeah. Yeah. And it's very bad. And then you go to Rolf's. Yeah. It's not Ralph's, the grocery store. It's Rolf's. Yeah. Because. That was my fault there because my last name is Rolf. Do you call that too? Rolf's is just hard to say now. I don't know. I actually think that I do call it Rolf's because of the fact that I'm like, that's not my last name. It's not spelled the same way. Yeah, true. You know what I mean? Yeah.

You know, we all have our things and fucking up words and sayings. It's just mine. Yeah. And you gotta just love us for our borrow and our ruin. Nope. Someone said something like, how did they make it through college? Yeah.

And like, it's hard. And I just, I don't know why I just was in the mood to respond back. And I was like, hey, that was mean, but I will borrow you forgiveness. There you go. There you go. Let's just keep it going. Yeah, no, I mean, grammar's, grammar's tough. I still, I proofread stuff and I'm like, oh my God, I don't know like what word is, nope. That's what people become writers for and editors and, you know. Or you just listened in grammar class in high school. Do you know when to use whom?

I just feel that there's so much information that is constantly passing by me that if I really want to focus on a topic, I got to take a class again. Yes, there's so many classes I took in college and high school and grade school, whatever it is. And there's so many things that I learned and some things that I still retain very, very well. For example, speaking of football coming up, Brian was telling me that the Chiefs are playing the 49ers. And I was like, oh, the seven times seveners. Yeah.

That's how I learned 7x7 when I was little. There's certain things that stick with me, and there's certain things that I got to revisit, okay? What's 12x12? Don't do this to me. 144? Yeah. Well, you were talking a big game. Like, this is how I remembered multiplication. I don't. But it's only for one combo. I don't know the 12s. I just, I already know that. So is that the one time in your life you used that? When he said, oh, the 49ers. Well, when I was in grade school, you know, we had tests on it, so I was able to do it very quickly. Hmm.

When I was young. Yeah, the multiplication table things. And you get them all like randomly. And yeah. That's how I got into Math Masters. I didn't get into Math Masters. I still have my shirt. It's a badass shirt tab actually though. We're going to make math leavers. Was this college or high school? Middle school. Oh, okay. So this chat we've had, you know, talking about us pronouncing words wrong and

Things like that begs the question when people point it out or, you know, we've all been there. You might you might say ruin properly. You might know when to use lend versus borrow. But sometimes you'll have people in your life that point out certain things or do certain things. And you wonder, why did you feel the need to do that? Were you trying to be helpful or were you trying to be cruel?

Or both. Were there cruel intentions behind that action?

And today, we're going to pose that question on some of these stories. Like it was scripted. Look at that segue. That was pretty. That was off the top of my noggin. Yeah, wow. It is not smooth today, bitches. That was like story time. I was buckling up when you started talking. It was like the beginning of a movie or something. Yeah. Well, damn, let's just keep it rolling then. You guys ready? Yep.

Are you ready? Let's go. Let's dive in. Are you ready? Yeah. Are you buckled up? No.

Going to be a bumpy ride for you today. That's good. I like turbulence. Oh, I hate it. Okay. So we have the first two, kind of some wedding drama. You know, I'm starting to consider it's probably time I start wedding planning. And so the wedding ones are really like catching my eye. So this is 15 hours old. Not even a vote on it yet.

It is titled, Am I the Asshole for Being Mad at the Best Man's Girlfriend for Making Him Choose Between a Dog and Our Wedding. My fiance, male 29, and I, female 26, got engaged last October after six years together and plan to marry this October. We both have a very complicated family, so we thought a lot about our wedding and decided that we just want peace and don't want to worry about all the family drama.

So we plan to get married in Italy with only our best man and maid of honor. It's only a four-hour drive to a small city we once discovered on a road trip. We invited my maid of honor slash his best man to the wedding, call him Mike, male 29, and told them that they could bring their significant others also. The trip would be fully paid for, and Mike and my fiancé have been best friends since kindergarten."

Mike's girlfriend, let's call her Courtney, female 28, and him have been together for three years. We were very welcoming towards her, and I befriended her also. We did a lot of things together, helped them move and build their home, etc.,

Mike and Courtney are getting a dog, hopefully in September. So Mike told us he needed a different hotel because the one we chose is not dog friendly. And at the time of our wedding, October, they would probably have the dog. We apologized and looked for another hotel.

Then he texted that Courtney thinks the dog wouldn't make the long drive, which we understood. We said that there are probably a lot of friends and family who could take the dog, but Courtney doesn't want that. Mike told us that Courtney would probably stay home with the dog and he would travel alone. Here comes the drama.

The following day, Mike wrote us that he will not come to our wedding because Courtney doesn't want to be alone with the dog for the weekend. And she also would like to attend the wedding. Courtney wrote to me that we could change our wedding month or the place, maybe just a wedding in our hometown, so that they could come. I said no. If we married in our hometown, the families would want to attend and all the drama between parents and siblings would stress us out.

My fiance asked Mike again if he couldn't come alone, and he finally told us that Courtney threatened to end the relationship if he doesn't stay with her and the dog.

My fiance was absolutely sad and disappointed and told Mike his feelings. He is normally not over emotional, but that was hard for him. Courtney wrote me the following day as if nothing has happened. And I told her that I'm absolutely disappointed in her and can't understand her behavior and how she puts this dog,

who is in absolutely no danger or need to have two people dog-sitting him, over our wedding and kind of expected her to apologize for all the stress she is putting us through. She called me an insensitive and offensive person, a bridezilla who wants her wedding above everything and said she couldn't accept my behavior even if I apologized.

Ew. I just can't comprehend why I should apologize. I feel like I can express to my friends if I'm disappointed, and I absolutely didn't write anything offensive. Am I the asshole? No. Definitely.

Wait. I'm kidding. People are typing immediately. I was like, wait, wait. Who are we talking about being the asshole? Did I get this wrong? Wait, what? Lauren, the look of panic that came over her. No, but that's like your classroom anxiety. That shit used to happen to me. Yeah. Where someone would say something complete and I'm like,

Did I not? Well, I thought that I must have heard something wrong. Okay, so we're all on the same page here. Not the asshole. Yeah, I mean, if this is the story, absolutely not. Obviously, you never know. There's like nuances. Sometimes ever since we had that other side of the story one, I'm always like, well, what if there's all these other things? Yeah, there's so much missing context. But no, this sounds absolutely insane. I think it's really, really fucked up.

I get like it's a dog. You're excited. It's maybe a puppy, you know, whatever. But like it's actually good for you to leave your dog behind and like go to the grocery store and not take your dog and like do things when your dog is a puppy because that's how you prevent separation anxiety.

you're gonna create a monster like you have to do those things to make sure your dog feels confident and independent and you don't want to leave him alone forever but like you know what i mean so this is crazy and to then be like you can't go to your best friend since kindergarten's wedding where you're the best man that you have an all expenses paid trip in italy this is what the

I look at loss for words. It's really not the like. Yeah. The people getting married is a big inconvenience and this is something to sort out. But the one with the real problem here is Mike. Yeah. And Mike needs to dump Courtney.

I'd cancel that dog. You know, it is a pretty big red flag because that will go towards a lot of, you know, versions of controlling you in your future. Threatening their entire relationship if he doesn't go to be a best man at his friend since kindergarten. Like, what? What I'd also like to say, I think anytime someone uses a...

you know, relationship ending, we're going to break up, threatens breaking up. Just for non-breakup worthy issues, that for me would be done very quick. Uno reverse and actually break up. I cannot deal with like, oh, we went and did this and you got upset and left.

oh, we're breaking up and it's not anywhere near the breakup threshold. You know what I'm talking about? It's very manipulative. Or the people, the couples that are like, no, we're breaking up and then they break up for a week, get back together and then they do it 10 times. It's not healthy. Yeah. It's not healthy. It's not for me. I'm very perplexed by this. I think Courtney sounds like a very self-centered person where it's like,

well, I want to go to the wedding too, but like the dog can't be in the car for four hours. Like this all started where it was like, oh, well, we have to find a different hotel. Like, can you find a different hotel for your wedding? Because no, that's what I was going to say. That was my first strike. I was like, that's a little much. Yeah. And that was nice enough for them to just be willing to. So gracious about it. Oh my God, yeah, let's find a new hotel. And then all of a sudden the dog can't make a four hour drive. Yes, it can.

Absolutely. So if we solve that, what would be the next six years? Courtney is going to continue to find excuse after excuse. And then it's like, oh, well, Mike, you can't go to the wedding by yourself because I don't want to be alone with our dog for a weekend. Or, well, I want to go to the wedding, too. Guess what, Courtney? Do you want your dog or do you want to go to the wedding? Because you clearly can't have both. And you are being a bad girlfriend, a bad partner to Mike.

Also, life happens. What if Mike has to travel for work and you're alone with the dog?

You're not going to be with Mike 24-7. Yeah. You have to be able to function on your own. And if you're not capable of handling a dog on your own for one weekend while your partner goes and celebrates, you maybe shouldn't get a dog. You sound unequipped. Yeah. Well, and she doubled down with the bridezilla situation, which... Shifting the blame like that? Yeah, there's situations in life where there's a scale from bridezilla to...

Nice, normal, happy bride. You get in the middle of those two, there's a gray area, right? And so it gets very complicated. Do you feel like she was being a bridezilla? Not at all. But I feel like that term has become so popular that any inconvenience to a guest, especially maybe a partner of someone who's in the wedding, it's not surprising, all of a sudden they're a bridezilla.

Because that term is so easy for people to just... I mean, it's the way, like, I think that happens with a lot of terms. Like, we've been guilty of overusing narcissists. I was going to say... Gaslighting. Like, I think we all... Enmeshed. I love enmeshed. All day, every day. I've just also started realizing, too, how much everybody will start to question if their partner or if their ex...

during the breakup period or breakup is a narcissist. Like the amount of times that I've noticed people say that, I think it's really normal now that we... Because it's kind of open-ended, the terms of a narcissist. And so...

I think it's really easy when you're really upset and then there's your partner who used to be like... Anyway, this is going off topic so we can go back to Brunzela. No, but I think we try to rationalize these things and it doesn't seem like Kourtney's trying to do that and that's why she's saying these things. Like,

She, I think, is just like almost projecting or like trying to shift the blame. But like, yeah, I think I think if we were to get an update on this one six months down the road, because this is February, like this wedding isn't until October. Is that literally six months? Almost like basically. Yeah, whatever. Whatever.

People count your calendar. I don't know. I'm bad. Feels like seven, but yeah. Somewhere in there. But I feel like if we get an update, it's going to be like either we are not friends with Mike. Like that was the straw because he chose Courtney. But I think eventually they're not going to last. Yeah. Like, well...

They're going to break up. I think I told you about this, but one of my friend's siblings was dating this girl who did a lot of things like this. Like, it reminds me so much. So I'll try to make this really quick. But basically, my friend's brother, let's call him T, was dating this girl. And his best friend from childhood, kind of like this story, was dating another girl for, I don't know, maybe like...

I think it was like three, four years. Quite a while. He ended up cheating on that girl with one of T's girlfriend's friends. Oh. So they got back together and then they were at their wedding or it was either their wedding or like a friend's wedding, something like that. Same all place. Yeah. And then T's girlfriend was just being so rude to T.

like his best friend's fiance or whatever she wanted. She wanted her friend to be like end up with that guy, even though her friend was the one who cheated or like cheated with him. She wasn't cheating on anyone. She wasn't with anyone. But yeah. So and it was this whole thing where she started telling T that he's not allowed to be friends with them anymore unless they apologize to her for what? For their coldness towards her.

I mean, I wouldn't... Did that make sense? I know it was kind of confusing. No, no, no, I got it. I think it's amazing the hills that people will die on. Like, it's generally not big issues. No. It's small issues that spiraled out of control because of bad communication or just bad...

bad intentions dude that is my life this week and people come after you and they'll hold that grudge till the end of time over something that started from something so dumb it's like the princess and the pea thing where it's like there's a little pea under the mattress and like it creates such a fucking issue yeah like that's the thing right right yeah yeah no one no one's heard that yeah

I've never heard that. I've never heard that used in this sense, but it makes sense. Like it's a small thing that created a big issue. What issue did it create? She kept feeling the pee and she kept putting like a mattress on top of it. And then she kept feeling the pee, right? That's like the story. That's a thin ass mattress, dude. How are you going to feel pee? She's just a sensitive gal. She's sensitive, yes.

Sensitive dad. He ain't feeling no pee through my mattress, I'll tell you that. I have not heard that story or that reference in so long. Hey, like I said at the beginning, I will butcher a saying, a reference, a word. Just give me time. Where do you pick these things up? They just float around and they're knocking together. Heard it once when I was five years old. Yeah, it's an echo chamber in there just constantly swirling about like a washing machine, rattling on the sides. It's just not good.

Okay, so top comment on this one. I think I hate Kourtney. I'm just going to put that out there, but that's not the top comment. Oh. So top comment is, whoa, what the fuck?

That girl is way out of line. That's some crazy behavior. There is zero valid reason Mike can't attend. He's pretty spineless to himself to allow her to dictate his plans like this. Courtney is the kind of person not worth knowing. I'd begin to exclude her from everything, but continue to invite Mike to things. Eventually, he will realize that she is preventing him from doing things, not the asshole. Unless she convinces him that

that, oh, they're the problem because I'm not invited to anything. He'll get brainwashed, unfortunately. OP does respond to that one. Okay, thanks. I really couldn't understand her either and started doubting myself. My birthday is in two weeks and I wrote Mike that I don't want her to attend because I'm too mad about all of that. And he wrote me back that she said that

She doesn't want to see me or my fiance for the next few months, even if I apologize. So I guess not seeing her will be an easy thing. Okay, good. Courtney is being really disrespectful. They won't let it go. I would love to hear Courtney's write-in because I'm just so curious how she's perceiving this in her little head. I know. So we do have an edit. Sorry for any grammar mistakes. English is not my first language.

I corrected them on the fly, so we didn't get many. It's okay, OP. Edit two, to clarify, there is no dog yet. They talked to a breeder. He said that if his dog mama gets pregnant and has more than three puppies, they would get one in September. So you're ruining your friendship.

On a big F. On a potential dog. Yeah, I was going to ask. Not even a dog. I was going to ask that because that was another part that stuck out to me. Like it's not even, you're not even, I think sometimes when people first get an animal, they're so in love that that's like their world, you know? Yeah. So it's interesting that Courtney is still feeling like this without it even being existent.

without it even existing, you know? It has a chance to exist. Yeah. It's not even planned. It's not even like, yep, you'll get this. It's an if on an if. It's really weird. It's so weird. I don't like ifs on ifs. It's an if. So weird. It's an if squared. Yeah. And like, it's easy to find a babysitter for a puppy. Everyone wants to play with a puppy. Yeah.

Yeah, but they won't bond and that's critical bonding time. It's like, no, they'll be fine. They'll be fine. It's one weekend to support your best friend. It's, yeah. There's quite a few other comments from OP.

A lot of not the assholes and just kind of O.P. explaining about the dog. It's mandatory that they get the dog after 12 weeks, which is great. Like a lot of breeders, you shouldn't take a puppy before eight weeks for sure. A lot of comments. People asking, did you see this ultimatum? Like, did Mike tell you about it in private or ask you not to mention it? Yeah.

Yes, he told us about the ultimatum in private, showing my fiance some texts from her. Oh, God. They partly discussed this while at work, but that he doesn't want to come because she doesn't want to watch the dog and would also love to attend was not private. He told us that she dictated all the message to him. So, yeah, that's going to be an interesting one.

Yeah. Keyword. I know. And someone made a point, not the asshole. So you organized an out-of-town wedding to avoid family drama and ended up with friend drama. Sorry. Yeah. Is she jealous that you're getting married and she's not? It seems weird to cause all this mess over a hypothetical dog. But then some people love to do that. Time to elope. Yeah. Yeah. Best way.

Maybe. We'll see. I mean, the best way... I consider it. I consider it every day. Well, here's the thing. The other thing, though, too, is we're doing it to avoid drama.

But there's going to be a whole shit ton of drama when everyone finds out they weren't at your wedding. You get drama either way, especially depending on your family. And like mine would be real mad they didn't get to go. It's funny because you know how you were texting me and you were like, you sound real enthused when I text you about me and her. Well, I was talking to Kennedy actually about our potentials.

like potential weddings and how we want to do it and how we want to like do it affordably, how we both have really big families and a lot of people we do not keep in touch with anymore and like who we want to invite, how it actually might make more sense to go to a destination wedding because then you have less people that are even able to. Yeah, it helps like and then whoever actually really wants to go like they're

So it's kind of funny that this was our first story because that was literally the conversation that me and my roommate were having as you were texting me. Destination weddings weed a lot of people out, I think. But then you might miss your grandparents. Exactly. And so I think for us, that's like our most important people. Yeah, that's fair. That's like our grandparents. And so it's like... That's what Ken said too. Yeah, it's tough. Weddings are tough. I don't have any grandparents, so I don't like...

There's not. I don't really have a destination. It is. We'll be there, Lauren. I don't have anyone in my life that doesn't fly. So we're ready. I'm ready to party. It'll be good by the beach at the beach. So this one is four hours old titled Am I the Asshole for not letting my brother's boyfriend choose my wedding dress?

This situation is ridiculous enough that I wouldn't be asking about it here if not for my brother not being on my side about it, something that has never happened before.

I, 24 female, plan to get married in July. Me and my brother, 22 male, have been incredibly close to each other since childhood. And for this reason, I have made him into my man of honor. We've never even gotten into a fight with each other since middle school, at least until now. Hmm.

Now my brother has a boyfriend, 25 male, who desperately wanted to be involved in my wedding planning. I found his eagerness a bit odd but harmless at the time, so I let him in. However, he started sending me links to the wedding dresses he said, quote, I should totally be wearing, which I looked over, but none of them looked like my style. I eventually did choose a

Oh, wow. Oh!

But all right then. Wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. That is too much sass. Too much sass. I was shocked at what he told me as he never seemed to be the type to be rude to someone. Not to mention, he knew I have insecurities everywhere.

That's so mean.

I told him that if he's not happy with my decision, that he doesn't need to come at all, as I don't need his negativity around. Yeah. He didn't reply back. However, my brother called me to accuse me of treating his boyfriend badly, and I shouldn't have dismissed him like that. I told him how rude he was to me, but he just said that his boyfriend's just a bit of a fashion critic and didn't try to hurt my feelings. He's got the love blinders on. But I told him that I just simply didn't like the wedding dresses he sent me.

My brother then went on saying that I only dismissed his boyfriend because I don't respect him as an effeminate man. Oh my gosh. I have no idea where this even came from and that if I don't apologize personally, then he'll drop out as the best man from my wedding. Wow.

I feel like this entire situation is crazy and I don't know how my brother's boyfriend managed to paint me as the bad guy in front of my brother. Unless there's a reason I'm overlooking for why I'm the asshole. Am I the asshole? No. No, this is a T-ball one. What is up with these crazy people? You know what's funny too is the accusation that she doesn't view him feminine or

Or whatnot. Doesn't respect him because he's a more feminine man? Oh, is that? I thought it was the opposite. I thought that he was saying she doesn't respect him as a feminine man. Effeminate with reference to a man having characteristics and ways of behaving traditionally associated with women and regarded as inappropriate for a man.

So I think the brother is like essentially implying like you don't respect my boyfriend because he's more feminine, because he likes fashion. And it's like, well, there's straight men that love fashion. Like, what does that? Yeah. Like, no, it's just drawing conclusions. It's just like connecting this to this just because you want to and just because you're offended. But.

In all reality, she let him in almost as a courtesy to say, okay, fine, like, sure, come be a part of the crew. But I didn't like anything you said. It's easy, simple. It's done right there. Now you're about to lose your best man because...

Oh, this is exhausting. Again, same with Mike on the last story and now the brother on this one. Why are you letting a significant other come between you and arguably...

the most important people you have in your life. Like they are your ride or dies. They are your day ones. Like you and your boyfriend break up. Who do you think is going to be there for you? Your sister who loves you, loves you so much to make you a man of honor. Like, it's, it's sometimes hard to not be manipulated by the right people. I know. That's what's scary about love and like relationships and like blindly trusting someone. And it can be so subtle too, to where it builds up and you don't realize that,

to where they're controlling like even these thoughts because clearly when you're on the outside it doesn't make sense

I was just going to say also, too. We both just went, yeah, I know. I'm like, you go. You got it. No, you go. Well, the reason I asked about him referring to his boyfriend being a man is because at first I thought that you were saying in the story that she didn't respect his taste because he's a man.

And then I was thinking it would be like even like if a female was doing that saying like you're not picking out the dress that I'm picking for you. You know what I mean? Like imagine if I was doing that to you like. And you were mad that I didn't like your choice. Yeah.

Or, like, you're the one who's about to get married. So, like, you're... Oh, sorry. Rewind. Yeah. Essentially, yeah. I mixed it up. So, yeah, exactly. It's just like... It just isn't my vibe. That just doesn't... I can't even see that even computing for a second. So, I don't know...

Why, again, back to that conclusion, that doesn't even, where does that even pull any weight? No. That comment. It's super strange. Yeah. I really want to see pictures of the dresses now. But also, let's just point out that he literally called her

Right. Right.

And like that was a low blow. Like, you know, my sister is insecure about weight issues like that was unacceptable. And I hope something happened behind the closed doors that he did that because otherwise that's really fucked up. Well, and are they a little insecure in their relationship to jump from?

Oh, she didn't like my dress choices to, oh, you're against like a feminine man. I think there's... It's just like why make that leap when it's like, come on, we're talking about a wedding dress and my style. Yeah. It's just crazy no matter... Yeah. Sorry. No, I'm just saying the comment is like the just totally...

It's weird. Like, that was the step that was just, like... I don't know. You go from, like, a little, like, grenade to just, like, a nuclear bomb. Well, to me, there's not even one piece of this that could be spun to make sense. Or there's not even, like...

You can't even break it down and be like, oh, well, this I see where they're coming from. For me, this entire story is just absolutely not. Just no. It's not how it works. That's not how weddings work. Like, it's never been how they work. Yeah. Who do you think you are? I'm sorry. Like, yeah. We have a lot of comments from OP. Not the asshole. Did I miss something in the post that you asked your brother's boyfriend to pick out dresses for you? Not sure how you wasted his time. But that's even if she did ask him that, it's...

It's still okay that she found a dress that she loves more. Yeah. Get over yourself. That happens. That's literally the thing. He offered himself to help me with my wedding planning and afterwards sent me unprompted links to wedding dresses. And apparently I'm still the one to blame for wasting his time.

Next comment that OP responds to, not the asshole. Your brother does know that his boyfriend called you Moby Dick, right? Like, how is he still dating someone like that? Much less defending him on that. And OP just responds, as I said in the post, he thinks his boyfriend was just being a, quote, fashion critic.

Okay. That's inexcusable. That is... You can comment on the dress without fat shaming someone. Yeah. Like, I just feel like your dress is a little dated. Are you sure? You don't want to consider something else? You're still an asshole for that comment. Yeah. But you can critique the dress and not the person, right? Yeah. And maybe that's someone who is actually a fashion critic, how they would approach that. Or, yeah, exactly. If he's trying to be a fashion critic, like,

And he really wanted to say that I don't think that this dress is the most flattering for your whatever. I think there could be way more flattering dresses for your body. Something at least a little tasteful. That was just absolutely unbelievable. But you know why he said it like that? Because he said it like that.

Because he's pissed. Because he wanted to make OP... Feel bad. Feel bad for her choice. To make her feel so insecure about that dress that she wouldn't wear it and then she would consider one of his. Well, that's why that got said. Or you care so much. Yeah. And honestly...

To be honest, it would work on me, which is sad to say. But if I found a dress that I absolutely loved and then somebody told me that it was a Moby Dick dress, then on my wedding day, I'd be like, I'm just me and me just wearing my Moby Dick. Like, you know what I mean? I feel like it would get to me. Oh, you would embrace it at least? Or no, you would like actually get to my head? No, I'm saying it would get to my head. Yeah. Like I would be like, I'm going to find a different one that someone didn't label as... Unless I was absolutely so in love with it that it did not matter. But if I had any question mark,

Even the slightest that it wasn't the right dress. Damn. I would get in my head too much. Yeah. Damn, Lauren. You gotta embrace what you love. You don't think it would at all?

If it were me? What if you had, like, even an ounce of questioning? I'm really self-conscious about my body and my weight. So if someone did say, like, you look fat in that dress, yeah, I definitely could see it happening. So you agree with me then? Yeah. I just, like, I hear it and I'm sad about it. Okay. Because I also recognize that I'm like, fuck, that's probably something we should work on.

Yeah, because you were making me feel like I was kind of crazy for saying that. No, no, no. Like, I'm sitting here, like, thinking about myself, too, and I'm like, this is fucked up. But it's where it's coming from, too. Yeah. Like, if it's coming from a place of love, from a trusted person in your life, the same type of person that would say, hey—

You have something on your face or you have something in your teeth. The people that aren't afraid to call things out for the benefit of you, not for the benefit of them or anyone else. It's more so it's like if you went and looked in the mirror right now, you would want to fix whatever it is. Yeah. The people that call that out, hopefully there's some trusted sources that we all have in our lives. They can say,

might not be the best dress for you and they would do it in a way that's respectful and tries to empower you and help you end up in a better place i know not with some hidden objective yeah i really want to start watching say yes to the dress and see how people go about that because i'm like really scared to try on dresses with like family because i could just i could like my mom i love her but i could just see my mom being the one that's like

That doesn't look great. So I'm trying to like prepare myself for that. But I really want to apply to be on Say Yes to the Dress. Oh, that'd be fun. I think it'd be fun to take a trip to New York. But I don't know how they pick people. Does the guy go on? No. Oh, okay, cool.

the groom doesn't see the dress until the day of. Right. Typically. Well, I didn't know if they did like interviews with the guy. Like, are you excited for your wedding? Like all the B-roll that reality shows do. They do some stuff at the wedding. Justin wants to be on TV.

No, I was wondering if I had to go or if I could be like, see, I'll be at the house. Don't lie. You want to be on it. He wanted to be on for sure. I'll get the weekend off. Let's go. No, I'm probably not being on. So top comment on this one before we move along.

Was the one I read, not the asshole, did I miss something? Which OP did respond to. And yeah, someone goes, he also called you a whale. So if anyone is wasting time, it is that man by pretending to be someone who cares about you, which is true. I think he just wanted an excuse to be involved in the wedding planning. Yeah. And that was his way to do it.

Have your own wedding, bitch. This next one I have, it's coming from the best of Redditor updates or Boru for short, as the subreddit likes to say. It is titled, My husband wants to stay friends with the person he cheated with. I'm sorry, buddy. You lost that privilege. Maybe you got to hear him out.

About three months ago, my husband confessed to me to having an affair with someone he has known since school. She has always been a close friend of his. The affair lasted almost two years, and he was very conflicted with whether he wanted to give up on our marriage or stay and work on it. We have been together over 20 years and have three young children. I did not want to give up on it and encouraged him to stay.

He stayed, and although his reasons for staying are the children, we both have been working hard on rebuilding a new relationship. We began marriage counseling, and we have a deeper communication with one another. I've been initiating more intimacy, and things seem to be going well. From our first marriage counseling sessions, he talked about his feelings for his affair partner, saying he loves her and that he would like for her to still play some part in his life.

The marriage counselor says that while he has feelings for her, it wouldn't be appropriate.

I'd take back about hearing him out. I thought with time he would simply forget about her and shift focus to what's important, i.e. his family, his wife. But last week he brought her up again and wanted to know if he can reconcile with her and have a friendship with her. I said I wasn't ready. I'm hoping to stall this until he stops asking. He said he understood that it might be too soon.

I'm worried if I never allow him to speak to her, he might just start talking to her behind my back. Though currently, he seems so committed to being honest with me, but that could change with time as his guilt for cheating begins to fade. Two years behind her back for two years.

As I said, his main reason for staying are the kids. But I'm keen on having a strong relationship with us. That can't be possible if she is reintroduced into his life. His feelings for her will probably come flooding back if they have gone at all. I don't understand how he can't see that. I don't know whether continually blocking him from engaging with her will breed resentment over time. Yeah.

I'm sorry. Unfortunately. There's only one answer. Divorce. Yeah, you got to go. Yeah. Give them the D. It's not fair to you. And I think, you know, what was really inspiring to me, too, I was listening to Tish Cyrus. She just came out on a podcast recently. And I was so just inspired by her because she was talking about her insecurities when she was staying with Billy, which her ex-husband is.

and how she thought that if they got divorced, that she would just be alone forever. She would never love again. And, you know, they have all these kids together and that her parents were just this epitome of love and that they just loved each other so hard. They were together forever. Once her dad passed away, her mother never remarried, never took her ring off, like all of this stuff. And then,

She tried so hard to keep the relationship together. And then in hindsight, once she got out of it, she realized how much just disrespect was going on between, you know, she was like, even on my side, like there was just disrespect in the relationship. Yeah. And then she ended up finding literally the man of her dreams. And she's married to him now and she's so in love and she's just over the moon. And and he like he helps with like her confidence, too. That's what her daughter was saying, Brandy.

And I just thought it was so inspiring because it really does feel like that sometimes. It does feel like, how will I find someone else? How will I find someone? And I can't imagine being in a marriage for that long, that many years and having children and then being so afraid to leave and to be alone. Yeah. And so I think that what I'm hearing from this story is that I feel she's probably feeling some of those things and just trying to force it to work, even though it doesn't sound like it's fair to her. It shouldn't. Yeah. I think it's really hard. I...

I don't want to like cross boundaries over sharing, but like I have family that, you know, stayed in an abusive relationship for years and years. And a part of that was the fear of being alone, the fear of not wanting to start over. And I mean, it was it was a really, really unhealthy, bad relationship. I mean, there was abuse from every angle, every angle.

And so it's hard. But I think I think she's a great testament to like, why stay?

Why continue to torture yourself? Because when you do leave, like she's a success story. Like you do deserve better. You deserve someone that loves you and isn't just staying for the kids. Like how many times did she say that here? He's made it clear. He's only staying for the kids. Yeah. Only for the kids. What about you? Yeah. Are you not deserving of love? Are you not worthy of a partner? Yeah.

Like he literally had an affair behind your back for two years and his only concern right now is being friends with her. Is being friends with her still. How can I can we talk? Can I reconcile with her? Literally day one marriage counseling. He's talking about how much he loves her. Yeah. I mean, I don't know.

I don't know how you really do proceed forward. I would love some therapists, especially if we have any marriage and family therapists to like chime in on this one. Like if you had a client come to you and this was what you had, like where do you go from here? Because I think it does breed resentment. I think eventually he does go behind her back again. Oh yeah. It's inevitable. This is where by doing it now,

I don't know if you call it saving time, but you are just... You're jumping out of the car before it crashes. Like, it's happening. Put your parachute on, at least. He's literally shown that... Because obviously they're not going to be friends. How could you go back to being friends? And in all reality, that's where his feelings and his love is. So...

It'll be best for you. It's going to be best for him. It's going to be best for your kids. Yeah. Because happy parents separated are better than sad parents together. Yeah. For any kid. Yeah. And so you're just doing it now before it's going to inevitably happen. I think soon. It's probably going to happen soon. Yeah. And I honestly think it's probably healthier for your kids not to see cheating, not to...

have to deal with those conflicting feelings of, you know, keeping secrets or, you know, kids that sometimes parents that are having affairs put their kids in really bad positions. And then you can more have the conversation with your kids, which is probably very healthy depending on their... What are the ages? I didn't mention just three young children. Okay. Depending on how young they are, it can be an opportunity to say, you know, me and dad are splitting up. We just...

We don't... We're not... I don't know. However, there's so many... I've seen so many things on ways people say it. But having that conversation with them instead of it being in such a negative light, I mean, it still kind of is because it's all based off of the cheating from before and everything, but... But you don't mention that to your children. Exactly. You can more say, it's just we're not working out. And it can be a healthy... We're just thrown apart. Yeah. We still love you. You know, that won't change. I love your dad as a friend, but...

We're just not meant to be anymore. And we'll both find our people. And then when the kids both see them happier and hopefully there's not this war back and forth, then, you know, the kids will be okay. But I'm not, to be honest, I'm not really getting that vibe. And it's always hard to tell off of just one little submission, you know. But I'm kind of getting the vibe that it's more like...

the wife is almost using that as a way to hold on to him. And then he's convinced that that's the right thing to do as well. Yeah. Because it sounds like she's just not really ready to let go for herself because she didn't really say like, I want this. I don't maybe I missed it, but I don't think she said much. I want this to work for the kids sake. It was kind of like, I want this to work and we have kids, you know. And the other thing, too, is that

Usually what I've been trying to do, at least lately, is that I try not to tell people if they should break up or not, if that's not really a part of the question in their submission. Yeah. But this is one of those stories where I don't think she asked us that. You know, there was nowhere where she was like, should I leave him? I think she was just kind of asking for advice on how do I handle the fact he wants to be friends with her? Where to go from here. Where to go from there. And... Divorce is where you go from here. Yeah. And I think that for me, this one would be a hard one not to give that advice because I...

I just think she deserves so much more, so much more happiness. There's somebody that will love her so much. It would be so freeing. Yeah. Imagine that after you have someone that literally found your replacement. Yeah.

And they're actively telling you, no, I'd rather do this, but I'll stay here to keep the family unit. Right. Then switch that to someone who's just like obsessed with you. Right. And it's just like what you were telling the story about your friend or whoever. No, Tish Cyrus. It's Miley Cyrus' mom. I wish she was my friend. I'm sorry. Yes. But just how that change. Yeah. And just how, you know, God. Yeah.

It's just not my night. Oh, you got this. But just how rewarding that can be. Yeah. Well, and I will say, too, that she mentioned that she went into, like, she was... Deep depression. She said she was extremely unwell. Yeah. For at least a month, she was just, like, absolutely unwell. Yeah. Not... I think that it took her more than a month, but she said for a month, she was, like, bedridden. Just... It was awful because she also... How can you not be? You're losing a big part of your life, your identity. Like...

divorce obviously isn't easy, but I think it's easier than being miserable. Yeah. And she had other stuff going on in her life at that time too. So it's not to say that once, you know, if you OP, if you were to leave your partner, that it's all of a sudden going to just be like rainbows and roses and you're going to find the love of your life immediately. Like it's going to be a lot of pain. Yeah. But there is happiness on the other side. I know it. We have an update. Oh, let's hear it. So the update was posted five days later.

I brought up in our recent counseling session that I found it triggering that he, my husband, still wanted some form of a relationship with his affair partner. After all the damage she has caused our family, my husband's response that while he understood that he was still keen, that in time he would be able to, I guess, maybe have a relationship with her in due time. It's like he would be keen to be able to do that.

All the advice our counselor offered was that while my husband had these feelings for his affair partner, it would not be appropriate. I guess that implies that if his feelings for his affair partner fade down to being just platonic, that it would be all right. I wasn't too happy with her suggestion and not sure why she made that suggestion.

Later that evening, I checked through my husband's phone, something which I have never done before. He had messaged his affair partner a few days before, giving details of what we discussed in marriage counseling. He said to her he was still, quote, fighting to have a friendship with her. She had replied back saying that if he was committed to repairing his marriage, he probably shouldn't be bringing her up as it would hinder any progress we would be making. To which he replied he would, quote,

quote, spend the rest of his life asking until she says yes. Right. A fair partner didn't respond to that. Yeah. See, it's not surprising. I mean, it's just it's going to happen. I have to add that the recent message he had sent was the only one that had been sent over the last 12 weeks. I know he could have been sending messages and then deleting them. But then why leave that most recent one? He could have deleted that one, too.

Apart from the feelings he has for his affair partner still, things with my husband are going well. We have more intimacy and are spending more time together as a couple. It is just that the feelings for his affair partner that are causing an issue. Our marriage counselor has cautioned us and explained that if his feelings for her are still just as strong a year into recovery, we may need to rethink whether this is worth saving. If you want to wait that long.

I'm honestly shocked the therapist said that. Yeah. That seems like, like therapists don't usually like kind of, like it almost feels like the therapist is trying to send her a message and be like, ma'am. Well, the therapist gave him hope. Oh, if your feelings fade down to just platonic, then this will be great. Things can move from platonic. What world do you live on? To not real fast. Yeah. Like, I don't know what planet. That's weird. Yeah.

We need our therapists from group therapy, group T, to hop on. We need Steph and Jessica to give their- We need them to check this therapist. Yeah. Like- Steph, Jessica, where you at, girls? Come on. Pipe in.

But I know we have a lot of other therapists that listen, but our group tea is really fun. And then they chime in and give like their actual educated taste. We give all our BS. But not therapy advice. And then they come on with this super polished. Oh, they're so eloquent. And we're like, yeah, we meant that. Yeah, why did we even talk? Fuck. But yeah, this is done for me. I think this is going beyond like he's maybe not trying to be cruel here.

But at a certain point, like even him saying like, I will keep asking until she says yes. That is cruel. Well, that's not fair. It's just make the call. Like, let's do it. Do it now. Yeah. Yeah, dude. It's so, so tough. Relationships. He knows it's not gonna be a friendship. Relationships can just be so complicated. It's they're hard. It'd just be nice not to be with anyone, not have any friends or nothing.

No one, nothing. I'm kidding. I wouldn't be nice either. Justin, just like today, just like it's hard to tell when he's kidding. Oh, I know he's kidding, but I'm like, I'm building off with the sarcasm. You know what I mean? Well, actually, that's not true. You've got me a couple of times. I'm so gullible. I'm so gullible. I just can't. I usually can read sarcasm pretty well, but I do definitely get stumped by people sometimes.

I actually kind of appreciate what I do, though. I think it's kind of fun because I'm really sarcastic. Yeah. And so are you really? Oh, yeah. She's tripped us up a bunch of times. Oh, you're being sarcastic. I don't like this. This is starting to feel like Austin land again. Oh, my God. We're so ridiculous. Oh, my God. Let's move on. Another one of this week's partners is Lumi. Where's all my smelly friends at?

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No, I would have to look through them. I need like a break. How would you have done that? Yeah, while I was responding, I was thinking about all the titles. No, I mean, I already have a hard enough time where sometimes you start reading a story and then I'm reflecting on what I said from the past story. And I'm like, oh, shit, did I say something wrong? Did I say something bad? And then I miss something in the next story. And then I answer incorrectly for the next part. And then the next part, I'm like, oh, did I say something wrong again? So, yeah. Yes, I daydream sometimes. I'm thinking like...

Oh, I wonder why that sound panel is just a little bit off and then or something just irrelevant. And then I'm like, oh, shit. And I lean over and kind of start to try to read. Try to see what. OK, OK. Well, I got I got it, guys. I got it. Don't worry. This next one, it might need a little context. Like you guys know what a terrarium is. Oh, yeah. Oh, did you have that one? I feel like I do, but.

No, tell me. I'm not sure. Am I the asshole for canceling our anniversary trip because my husband drowned my terrarium? Oh, okay. No, I don't know what that is.

Okay, let's get into it. Wow. Okay. I, 29 female, traveled across the country to visit a company regarding an incredible job offer. I spent two days touring the company to decide if it would be the right fit for me after years of self-employment. After meeting with the company, I visited my sister, 32 female, and her family a few towns over.

We barely get to see each other because of work and distance, so it was wonderful to spend a few days with her, the family, and her new baby. I was gone for a total of eight days.

When I returned home, I was excited to spend time with my husband, 33 male, and tell him about the trip, my visit with my sister, my impression of the city, etc. We were meant to be celebrating our anniversary and decided to put off the discussion about whether or not I should accept the job offer until after our anniversary getaway.

I'd arranged for us to go on a luxury train ride because he's a big train enthusiast, and we were meant to leave for the trip three days after I got home. This is when the problems started.

I have a very large closed bioactive terrarium, which I made with my mother 15 years ago. It's one of my favorite things I have of her from before she passed. This terrarium is my pride and joy and has come with me everywhere since we planted it. It was always super healthy and beautiful, and I've only ever had to open it four times.

four times to do little maintenance and watering. My husband knows all of this, which is why I don't understand why he decided to tamper with it in my absence. I didn't notice the night I got home because I was exhausted, but the next morning I went to check on the terrarium to find it in a terrible state.

The roots were rotting, the plants were drying and molding. He told me that the day I left, he poured a few cups of water into the vessel and sealed it again. I was so mad, I cried, and it turned into a huge argument because, quote, it's just a plant, and, quote, all you do is look at it anyways.

He called me ungrateful and overdramatic and that I should appreciate that his intention was to help me and that he didn't ask because he didn't want to bother me on my trip. I ended up canceling our anniversary plans, partly because I was so upset that I didn't want to go and partly because I wanted to try and salvage the plants and that would require time.

He hit the roof when I told him and is now sleeping in a separate room and refusing to speak to me because according to him, I'm being petty and trying to destroy our marriage. Am I being oversensitive about my plants? My friends are pretty evenly split and have pointed out that he was just trying to be thoughtful, however misguided it was. No chance. You...

Lauren. Okay, well, first I would like to say that I actually did know what that was. Okay. Because I looked it up and it's exactly what I was picturing. But when you said that her husband, her, correct? Yeah. Her husband drowned the terrarium. I was picturing like a spider or something, which you said drown, you know? So I'm like, okay, clearly I'm wrong. But anyway, just to set the record straight. Yes.

For those that don't know, a terrarium. They're so cool. They are. It's essentially like a dome. Like I've seen them mostly be domes. I've seen them on TikTok being made. Yeah. And so once you set up the plants and the bio environment. And it wants to zoom in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We can add some pictures on the tube.

But once you set up the plants and the environment and you add water, essentially you create this atmosphere where it's self-sustaining. It's an ecosystem. It's an ecosystem. You don't add water. The condensation, evaporation, water cycle system happens within this dome. So cool. It is amazing.

That's so cool. And so the fact that like she made this with her mom, it's 15 years old. Yeah. It survived. I'd be pissed. And then he pours multiple cups of water. And I didn't want to disturb you while you're on. Yeah, come on. What kind of relationship is that? I'm sorry. Like to not be able to just.

send a quick text. No, he could have. That's what I'm saying. He's just... It's him trying to do all these dumb things to, like... Feels like he did it on purpose. Make him right. That. This has to be cruel intentions, right? It doesn't... How could it not be? I don't... Yeah, I'm like... If he... I don't know. And if he was actually just that, like, unaware... Dumb? That dumb? And he just didn't realize that he actually thought that he was doing something nice, then...

He's still in the wrong because he should have turned around and been like, I am so sorry and not gotten defensive and say, you're trying to destroy our marriage. That's where it went really wrong. Yeah. You just look at it anyways. That's so... So rude. You can apply that to so many things. Yeah. You just look at your dog.

Right. No, well, no. I mean, sometimes I throw a ball. But sentimental items of any sort. Oh, you just go and look at that. Yeah. Why do we keep any shit in our houses? It's that classic thing that people do when they're backed into a corner, they know they're wrong, and then they try to fight fire with fire to just blow it up and do, again, like the first two stories, we're going to blow this up into something...

So much more when we're not even focused on the terrarium anymore. We're focused on, okay, now I'm considering you as my partner, not because you wrecked this, but now also because how you're responding to it. Yeah. Well, and it's like, I just can't imagine like, and every relationship has...

their own boundaries. But if you had something like this, like I would never just like do something to someone else's prized possession without talking to them where it's like, hey, hon, like you're gone. Your terrarium's looking a little dry. Like, should I water it? Right. That's the thing, too, is that with plants specifically, every single plant is different. So if you're going to start doing something with it and it's not yours and you don't know, you should always ask.

Yeah. That's a no-brainer. Why would he think he's a terrarium expert all of a sudden and start pouring water in it? That's what I'm, like, even if it was a brand new little plant that she got from the market one day and she was excited about it and it didn't have all the sentimental meaning, it's still, why would you not just ask, how do I water the plant? Here's the thing. We are five years in.

I would not dare touch those plants out there. He'd be dead. I would not even attempt. I would have Morgan on FaceTime. I would have a cup where you can see how much, like one cup, third cup, half cup. Morgan, how much exactly do you want me on video to put in this plant? Yeah. Because that voids all of my responsibility. I don't know how.

But like something I think about is like I have my grandpa's dog tag from the Vietnam War. Yeah. I'm on a trip. I leave it home so it's safe. Morgan goes and like thinks, oh, I'm going to do something nice. I'm going to get it all buffed and shined out. Fuck no. That would be an equivalent where I'm just like,

I never mentioned I would like that. You know I wouldn't want that because I like it all scuffed up. It's taking steps that you don't need to for some weird reason because you want. I know. Washing and drying someone's clothes without realizing that it's dry clean only or something like that. It's just like those are the things that you should ask about. That is literally me. The amount of times my dad has dried a load of my clothes and ruined them all. Yeah.

And I get it's a good intention. Right. That one is actually usually always a very good intention. Does it suck? Yeah. Overall vote on this one. Not the asshole. I think her reaction, at least for me, like I think it's justified. Like her immediate response is like, I need to stay home. I need to take care of these these plants and see if I can salvage them. Like, I understand. Like and he should honestly, as a good partner, he should understand, too. Like I fucked up. You got to fix this. We'll take it the next weekend.

There we go. Top comment. Not the asshole. And I doubt your husband was trying to help. Right. Firstly, if you have only opened it a few times, then he knows it doesn't get watered that often. Secondly, he knows how much it means to you. So should know that you would have taken care of it before you went or would have left very detailed instructions, which that's what I was thinking, too. I'm like, I feel like that's something where she would have like

double checked it's good I know I'm gonna be gone for eight days it's clearly gonna be fine 100% there's no need to fuck with it four times in 15 years

Yeah. Oh, on that trip just happened to be the time. How long have they been together again? We'll get there. So the comment goes on. Also, how big is it? Would a few cups of water been way too much? Even if he was just trying to be helpful. The you just look at it comment is also strange. That's what everyone does with their plants. Why else would you have a plant? Literally, you guys, I have a forest in my house. I don't I just keep getting them and they just sit. I don't know what to do with them. Like, I just.

I just look at them. OP responds, I've literally never had to open it or water it in the time we've been together. And even when I did water it in the past, it has never required more than a few tablespoons of water. I've talked about it before, but he clearly forgot. Next comment down, he didn't forget. He maliciously killed something you love. But why? Why?

Dude, this is nine days old. I'm going to the account right now to see if there's an update. But why? What's the point? He's jealous of a plant. Was he mad about the trip? Like, does he want to break up? I don't know. It just doesn't make sense. It's like someone just going and pushing their car up, brand new car off of a cliff. It's like...

Did you try to, do you want insurance? Like what's, where's the why? Yeah. Was he jealous of how much she loved it? It's just, I mean, where's the why? I guess people are crazy. Yeah, they are. People do weird shit. Seriously. Every day. Or maybe he just didn't like how it looked.

I don't know. Also, the neighbors right now, like, it's thumping. I literally thought, like, the ceiling was about to come down. I'm just like, oh, my God. Like that video on TikTok of the party upstairs. Oh, my God. My neighbors are so loud, you guys. It's nuts. Lots of comments from OP, and by a lot, I mean literally four. Oh. But...

OP did respond to the top one, which I read. Someone goes, info, did you give him instructions before you left? No, I didn't. I've never given him any instructions. It's self-sustaining for the most part. And even if I barely have to do anything, the most I do is move it a little bit to make sure it's not getting too much or too little sunlight and wipe the vessel down to keep it dust free. I haven't had to water it for the years we've been together. Yeah, that's crazy. Which he knows.

People are asking about the job. Like, is your taking a job going to necessitate, well, necessitate? Yeah. A move that he's unhappy about or change the balance of who the primary breadwinner is. This seems like a tantrum followed by gaslighting, not the asshole.

I'm already the primary breadwinner, so I don't think that's it. It would mean a lot more income for the family, though, which is a good thing for both of us. Yes, it would mean moving, but I wouldn't take the job if he's not comfortable with it. So what the F? Well, and someone asked the question, so you went on a trip and you didn't even have a discussion about his feelings about moving?

O.P., I went on a trip to get a better understanding of the job and the company. We agreed that I would go, assess the job offer, and then we would have a decision to decide if it's worth moving for. I never made any decisions about the job, so I don't know where this is coming from. The comment that started it does have an edit based on O.P.'s responses there.

He is feeling jealous and emasculated, though he will never admit to that. He sees you advancing further out of his league and is scared people, or worse, you, will start questioning why you are with him. He's also feeding his ego by gaslighting you into believing you need to grovel to be with him. Hmm. Okay. That's some serious psychological analyzation. I can't really comment on it because it's kind of...

It's speculating quite a bit. So it's hard for me to know. I will speculate enough to say that this was definitely not good intentioned. I agree. For sure. It doesn't feel like it. I think it's... Wherever it stems from, it doesn't feel like it's a good place. No, I feel confident saying that. There you go. At least. I think we should get one. A terrarium? Yes, I know. That's what I'm thinking. Because we have the perfect window for it now. We...

If anybody has one, please send it to me. I want to see yours. Yeah, we should. I'm down. You guys, I'm really sad. You said I was a good plant mom. You are. She killed one of your plants. One of mine? No. Yours survived. Yeah. She babysat my plants for a while. Like four months. Oh, I thought they were still here. No, no, no. I gave them back. It's just a temporary foster position. No, I talked about wanting an albino moncera. Yeah.

And one of our amazing listeners sent me a stem of one, a clipping, and I tried to follow the instructions.

And it didn't make it. Oh, cute. Yeah. Let's have a moment of silence. Wow, it's gorgeous. Let's just end this story with a moment of silence. Sorry, I can't believe I've never heard of these. Aren't they beautiful? Aren't they beautiful? Yeah. This is probably my toughest plant loss. They're so pretty. I also love this type of plant too. That's your vibe for sure. They smell.

I have Headspace and the meditation app. Yeah, it's a good one. And they'll do these morning wake-up videos. And one time I had one where they were showing just different types of these plants and how to take care of them, how to decorate them, how you can just cut off one leaf and put it here and there. Propagate. It was so pretty. Oh, the grafting. Yeah. Yeah.

Plant videos, I get lost in them. The orchid ones where they like repot them and cut off all the roots. I haven't seen those. Wild. Wow. But here. Moment of silence. Moment of silence. Okay, enjoy an ad. Okay. I'm excited for this one you found. I'm a little scared. I'm a little scared. I went on another Reddit show today and it was pretty interesting not knowing a single story that was about to come at me.

Right? A little nerve wracking. Now you understand. I get it. I get it. Me and Ollie were talking about it one time. We're like, it's almost like sets you up.

Sometimes like it does. Do you have anxiety? Well, no, like sets you up to sometimes like accidentally say something wrong or that you don't mean because it's it's the shock value. Yeah. And sometimes you as we were talking about it to sit on so many things going through your head. There's been times where it struck a chord from something that happened when I was a child and I responded that way. And then I it was so funny, too, because I was like, and I stand by that. And then I'm like, wait, wait, actually, no, I'm not going to let one back in. Yeah.

Yeah. So now, yeah, you get it. You get it. I do. All right. Am I the asshole for telling my wife to return it all?

My pregnant wife, 26 female, and I, 35 male, are really struggling at the moment as I lost my job and my wife had to quit her job as she's suffering from hyperemesis gravidarum. Not sure if I'm saying that correctly. We've used up our savings and currently are living off of our credit cards, but I've got a job lined starting in March. My wife is very close to her sister, 31 female, and a few days ago she confided in her that we are struggling.

Her sister has never liked me but has always been polite to me. She has always kept me at arm's length despite my attempts at trying to foster a warmer relationship.

A few days ago, my sister-in-law came to visit while I was away and she was appalled at the state of the house and the lack of baby supplies, as the baby room was bare bones and we hadn't bought many baby things. When I arrived back home, she had given me a lecture on taking better care of her sister and scolded me for not getting ready for the baby. The next day, she came back and she had bought things for the house and the baby.

My wife also told her that we had to sell her car to pay off some of the bills and rent. Again, my sister-in-law had to show off that she bought her a car and to top it off, on Sunday, she sent her 50k and then texted her this, in quotes, This is your money and your babies. Do not use it on that man. If you need more, tell me and I'll send more. And remember, wherever I am, there's a home for you.

I feel like her sister is trying to make me look like a failure, and I expressed that to my wife. My wife and I argued, and in a fit of anger, my wife said that I only feel like a failure because I've been failing. She... Yeah. She has apologized since, but I still stand by telling her to return everything as I feel like accepting her sister's so-called generosity is a way to manipulate my wife into thinking I'm a bad husband. Ooh. I feel, like, really...

I'm like not sure who to analyze as far as like cruel intentions for this one. I feel like initially, like obviously the husband's the one writing in like, am I the asshole for telling her to like return it all? Which I think your specific problem that you're writing in about. Yeah. Like I would say, you know, it's not like the greatest reaction because maybe your ego is hurt because like,

you're in an unimaginably tough position. You have a baby on the way. You both lost your jobs. She's dealing with health complications because of the pregnancy. It's so dire. They had to sell her car for bills. So yeah, he's embarrassed. He's maybe dealing with depression. Like there's so much that's going on there. And so for him to like freak out and be like, return it all. Like, yeah, he's, he's hurting too. His ego's bruised.

But like the sister is also doing you a massive, huge favor. I just think it's like it's interesting. Like a lot of the comments OP is throwing in like she's never liked me. This 50K is for you and your baby. Don't spend it on that man. Like I feel like.

Is there context missing? Like what has OP done that like would give the sister this feeling? But like I think the sister is just trying to be a good sister. It's not it doesn't feel like it's cruel intentions. It's literally just her making sure her sister is taken care of. Yeah. You do wonder where that comment's coming from though. It's weird. Because that changes the whole dynamic of everything. And that

in the wrong light would make you want to say return it all? Yeah, because she's not respecting us. She's not respecting me as your partner. But also in that position, do you not look at it and say, well, that's really shitty, but also take the hit. Don't look the gift horse in the mouth. Right. So like, yeah, you take a punch in the face, but you also take like what could be

a saving grace to where you can actually use that to get on your feet and boom, you're off. And then you deal with whatever the relationship issues with her are. It all depends on where your wife stands. If she is 100% got your back on your side, you're a team, then whatever comments her sister makes doesn't matter until they start changing her opinion of you.

I you know, well, I think it's interesting because she said this is for she gave her the money and then she said this is for you and for the baby. And she didn't say do not spend it on your husband. Do not spend it on whatever Opie's name is. She said, do not spend it on that man.

So there is a lot of there's something going on. There's something that we're not aware of. I think this story is there's not a lot of substance in here to really understand the dynamic between the two. If there's something that happened, maybe actually I don't want to put ideas out there. What were the ages again? So the wife, pregnant wife, 26 female and then the husband, 25 male or sorry, 35 male and the husband, 35 male.

So nine years. And then the sister or sister-in-law to Opie is 31 female. There's something going on here. But what's interesting is this is coming from Opie. I think obviously he's trying to paint the sister-in-law in a bad light. Like, don't spend it on that man.

But he didn't like necessarily need to include a lot of what he included too, right? Like this is very intentioned also from him. Like I'm really sitting over here analyzing. But that's fine. But even still, then why even question and put your foot forward and say, no, we're going to return it all. Honestly, like— If that's the case, if he's in the wrong—

Why? Like, so, I mean, shit. Yeah. I'm just realizing. So I'm looking at the comments. Yeah. And in really big letters, one of the comments says, Opie has been unemployed for two years. Oh, wow.

His pride didn't mind living off of his wife who had to leave her job five months ago. It's taken that long for him to finally line up a job for himself. It's no wonder his sister-in-law doesn't like him and why she told his wife the money isn't for him. So did I not process that? No, no, no, no. That was not mentioned. So how did that person find it out? Look at his comments. What do they say?

Hmm. Okay. Yeah. So OP does respond to somebody asking, why did you lose your most recent job? Was this pregnancy planned? Good, good question. Yeah. And then OP responded and said almost two years ago. So I think OP read it as when did you lose your job? Yep. This baby wasn't planned and it happened despite our diligent efforts. My wife is on birth control, but a happy surprise nonetheless. I wonder how long they've been together. Yeah. Yeah.

Because that would be like if they've been together since the wife was 17 and like there's so much context they always leave out. Well, it's hard to respond without that because. It's fishy. This is fishy. Instantly you flip. Yeah. Well, and I think given this, like he's been unemployed this long, like.

We, you know, we've seen the markets right now. Like people are trying to get jobs. We've had listener write-ins on Father Knows where I think there was one person that applied to like 200 jobs, remote, not remote. Like it is a struggle right now. Yeah. But at the same time,

Like you get to a point where like you might be overqualified, but like need to go work at a coffee place to keep some like semblance of like financial stability. Right. Because the flip side of the coin is sure you could have someone trying and actually making a legitimate effort. Or you could have someone who's fine sitting back and hanging out on wife's money and actually

maybe spending it very irresponsibly to put them more in a risky financial position. And if that's the context, then yeah, I would be like the sister too. Here's for you, my sister, and for your well-being. I don't want him to have any part of it because he'll just go blow it all. Like that's the context you need. It feels like that's where it's coming from, which...

I, I'm blown away by the sister's kindness. Like how amazing is that to make sure like, here's all the baby stuff. Here's a car. Here's 50 K. Like that is amazing. That is family that has your back. And like, I guess like looking at it like this too, like the husband should be grateful that your baby has someone that amazing in their life. But instead he called it

off. I think that's his ego. He's just it's yeah which is absolutely crazy. And so the overall vote here is you're the asshole. OK. And it's so this one right here you're the asshole. What sort of husband are you if you want your wife to be without a safety net for her and your child just because it bruises your ego that you cannot support them well enough. I

I understand that losing your job can be difficult, but you know what is more difficult? Being pregnant and expecting a child without any sort of financial security. Her sister is generous and caring for her. She doesn't care for you, but you know what? You are not giving her many reasons why she should with this behavior. You are literally putting yourself a priority over your pregnant wife and your future child. That is very true. She is not manipulating your wife into thinking you are a bad husband. You are acting like one. And, uh...

That's really true because like you get to a point where like there's certain battles in your life where like pride or, you know, like.

Like asking someone for money and they they make, you know, a comment like the gold digger one, like where like the sister gave her sister the money, but like kind of was like, oh, well, this is my gold digging money. You get to vulnerable positions where you don't have the luxury at that point to say no. So it's like, yeah, for him, for him to literally like, oh, you need to send it back because my ego is bruised.

So you would rather have your ego placated than your wife and baby taken care of. Yeah. And then there's even better people out there where you see like on the videos on TikTok where someone who's very much struggling will just happen to be in front of the right creator at the right time. And they say, here's $10,000. So kind of like a Mr. Beast thing, right? Yeah. And you can either...

keep it or double it for the next person. And you'll see people like... Double. Yeah, or I saw a video where this one guy went and he really helped out this homeless guy. And he gave him, like, got him a hotel room, got him a shower and all this stuff, gave him a bunch of money, and the guy went back and distributed it among all the other homeless people at his shelter or place. And when else could you not need money more than then and still to have that generosity? So there are...

You know, not in a negative context like this, but there are people who still who aren't in positions to refuse, still take the little bit that they could use and still go and help everyone else. I've been seeing so many positive videos lately, and I think it's finally just like my algorithm has cleansed itself. But.

I've seen some amazing videos of like this guy who was homeless and was doing art and TikToker YouTube guy saw him, got him a hotel room and then helped him start selling his art. His art went for thousands on eBay. I cry at every single one of those videos. I just think like there's so many amazing people out there and like,

I think you guys listening, we have an amazing community. I think we tried the Year of Change last year. We supported some amazing charities. And I think take this as your reminder. If you see someone struggling, give them $20. If you don't have cash, offer to buy them food and let them pick something off the menu. Just do something for anyone you can this week, next week. And when that's done and received in that way,

maybe you don't end up in the position where this husband is with the sister, right? Because if it was that way, then the sister wouldn't have any problem. It'd be like, I'll help you guys or not. And even the context of, and don't let your husband, he doesn't even get a title. I think you pointed that out early. Don't let Lauren did. Don't give any money to that man. That'd be like me calling Lauren, like that girl. Like, oh, you're going to go record with that girl tonight?

You'd be like, what? So clearly there's something. There's something. Well, and I actually, I skimmed through this, but I didn't read it all the way through when I was reading to you guys so that I could also have a little bit of an element of surprise. So it did give a lot more context, I think, going back to finding out that he hadn't been working for two years. And also-

I mean, yeah, to your point, it's he doesn't have the luxury of returning this stuff right now. And what they got to do is look out for the best interest of this baby that they're bringing into this world. And so it is it is pretty silly for him to even consider having her return it. I do think in certain situations, for example, you know, I was talking about how me and my roommate were talking about hypothetical weddings.

I was saying how I don't think that I'll get much money from my family and I don't want to spend a lot of money on my wedding. And even if my significant other's mom or dad insists on paying me,

I would be a little bit nervous about accepting that because I'd be worried that it's going to be their show then for the wedding. But not only that, but I would be worried that it would be used against me. Like, oh, well, I paid for your wedding, so I want you to watch my wedding.

Animals or something. It's one of those things where I understand the principle of not wanting to accept favors from people because you don't want it to be held against you or to like, you know, whatever it is. Yeah, totally get it. But like in this situation, like you guys were saying, he doesn't have...

the luxury to do that and it's not just like a it's not a petty thing it's it's real life it's it's concerns it's it's not having a job it's wanting to bring a kid into this world and have them be set up comfortably so yeah it and and the good thing is is that he did do an edit and he said okay i get it i'm the asshole i'll apologize to my wife and to my sister-in-law it hurt but thank you for the brutal feedback wow okay

So there is growth there. There's growth. Yeah. Well, yeah, there's hope. Yeah. There's hope here. Yeah. It's really hard. Like I, I can't even imagine that stress, anxiety, like they were practicing safe sex. She was on birth control, you know, whatever means they were doing, as he said. And then, you know, you get this accidental pregnancy, which they're excited about now, but

That weight of the world, like that pressure and then the wife can't work. It's just it's a lot. And I know there's a lot of people out there that are struggling right now. And it's it's a lot. So I mean, but this response.

This edit speaks to character. Because how often do we see them just double down and fight everyone in the comments and just say, nope, you're all stupid. You're all wrong. He did good by this. I'm surprised. Yeah. I hope we get another update. Like, baby's here. Things have gotten better with sister-in-law. Yeah. Yeah, me too. That would be good.

Okay, Justin, you ready? Here you go. Yeah. Am I finishing her off? Yeah. Because you said I was last. You're last. And then Lauren's got one for Patreon. That's real juicy. Okay.

oh and just my tab just to edit myself just to be clear i would love to do favors for whoever ends up being my husband if it's my current boyfriend um we'll play this i would love love love to do favors for his family and and all of that whatnot but it's it's more of the fact of like you don't want to be in a situation if somebody can hold things over yeah it's someone you just don't know and so it just makes me a little nervous yeah i feel that so i've had stuff used against me it's not

fun. And then it makes you not want to do things going forward because of you getting taken advantage of. Yeah, it's just...

Or like things used against you. Yeah. I think and even that's kind of why I was nervous. I didn't want to. I was really nervous about having my birthday party out of the country, like a travel birthday party, because I was thinking I don't want people to feel like they have to do this. And this is something that they I wanted it to feel like a vacation that they would want to do just just because they get all the friends together because it makes me feel so guilty and it makes I don't want to.

feel that it's even though people are indebted in any way I yeah I don't know what it is that I but I just I get this weird guilt thing with money where I just don't feel like I ever want to accept it from people we've been over this though you deserve to be celebrated like people obviously like yeah there's that's that's an amazing intention you had behind that where it's like

I just want everyone to come because they want to come and have a good time. But it's like, no, Lauren, it is okay that your friends showed up and supported you and wanted to celebrate you enough to join you on a trip. Like, you deserve to be celebrated. Thanks. Yeah. Yeah, Warren. Yeah. Justin needs a little mic flag so when our content gets stolen, people know. What I do, dog? What that darn dare dog doing down there? Trains leaving the station. Here we go. What that darn dare dog doing down there?

The train's starting to roll. We're going. Ready? Last one. Here we go. I just want to beat Knopf! Anywhere else I'd be a ten.

I was trying to think of the lyrics, but I can't memorize music. I literally know the first two lines. Keep going. Let's hear it. Start it from the top. I'm just Ken. Anywhere else I'd be a ten. Yeah, see? You got more than I did. Actual words. Can we move along? Yeah, Justin. You can end the episode now. Sorry.

I'm just so excited to be borrowing this sweatshirt from you, Morgan. What? You forgot my name? Oh, I just added an extra letter. I wish there was a mute button for you guys' mics. Okay. Fine. Okay, sorry. Go ahead, Justin. Are we ready? Let's do it. You can do it. Good job. Good job. Yeah, good job. You're doing so good.

Eight hours ago. Wow. Am I the asshole for telling my wife that pregnancy hormones aren't a blank check for verbal abuse? So new, we do not have a rating yet. Okay. My wife is currently pregnant and about six months along. This is her first pregnancy and a planned and wanted pregnancy. The first trimester was great, but around the time we hit the second trimester, she became very aggressive.

If I cook dinner, it's not just wrong, but it's, quote, fucking disgusting. Get this away from me. If I clean the house and put things away, I get yelled at for putting things back because she now wanted them put somewhere different. I've been yelled at for waking up for work, for playing music she didn't like, for making coffee, and she didn't like the smell and a hundred others.

It's gotten to the point where there is at least one explosion per day where I'm yelled at and insulted. I've tried to speak to her about this, but every time she hand waves it as it's just the pregnancy hormones. It makes you crazy. You'll just have to deal with that. I'm well aware of the effect that pregnancy hormones have, but I don't believe it justifies the level of verbal abuse coming my way.

Finally, the other day I told her after a particular rough yelling session, I said that pregnancy hormones don't justify yelling or abuse to your partner. This wasn't received well. It led to more yelling and her calling me an asshole. So am I the asshole? No. I'm just curious like...

what she was like towards him before this. Yeah. Because it's interesting to me if she's not able to even reflect and see that her behavior is not very nice. Was she already kind of spicy to him and then she got a little bit more spicy and so she doesn't really see the difference? Yeah. Or was it like a total 180? It's a good point. So let me, there's one little paragraph here after the question. Oh, okay. We get an edit? It's just an added paragraph. It's just some additional. Okay. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. Little bonus. Holding off on us, huh, Justin? And to try to answer some questions I expect to come up. No, we have never had this issue before. Speaking with the doctor, she had no specific risks or complications. Over the average, I have asked her in her calmer moments about how she is feeling about the pregnancy, and she is saying she is excited. Pregnancy is an awkward time period, but she is very excited for the baby to come. Honestly...

As someone who's not been pregnant yet, obviously, like, we can't relate here, but I have a sister-in-law, and I had a conversation. You know, she's had two kids now, and she loves being pregnant. And so I said, Amy, would you be my surrogate? And my brother was sitting there, and he goes, absolutely not. And I go, why? Why?

Because Amy had said yes. She was all on board. Oh. Down ready to do it. And my brother goes, Amy gets mean when she's pregnant. I guess she is just like actually terrible. So as you're reading this, I'm laughing because I'm like, this is literally probably what Amy was like. And I think it's hard because like, oh, get this away from me. It's disgusting. Yeah.

She's probably just trying not to throw up, but I do completely agree. Like,

You being pregnant is no excuse for the verbal abuse I'm getting. Yeah. I mean, what he said to her was very fair from what I'm understanding. And she yells and does more. So, you know, I think I've told you guys this recently, but I've been watching This Is Us for the first time. Oh, God. Why would you do that to yourself? It's really beautiful. What season are you on? I think I'm in like three or something. Has anyone died yet? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, people are kind of you kind of know that people are going to die or already did die. That show wrecked me. Yeah. No, lots of tears. But anyway, but anyway, there's this one scene where Rebecca, she's extremely pregnant with triplets at the time. And she's so mean to Jack, her husband. And it's it's really cute, though, because she's.

She really she she kicks him out of the house and she's like, do not come back until you change your attitude, honey. Even though she was the one who's being mean. So he goes and he's all sad and stuff. And then she's looking at the calendar and she realizes it's his birthday.

Damn. She's like, I'm a monster. She's like, what am I doing? I'm just being so mean. Like, and he's such a great guy and all this. I have those days and I'm not pregnant. Like, I literally sometimes do. Like, I'm like, okay, I'm so stressed out right now. And I get I'm just being a massive bitch to everyone in my life. Like, it's hard. Like, when you're stressed and you're dealing with a lot, it's hard.

Add in pregnancy hormones. Yeah, I don't know what that's like, but I mean, I kind of want to be pregnant right now just to know. I don't. Justin just shit himself. I hope that I don't get upset when I'm pregnant. I am just preparing to have a very, very, very, very high tolerance for nine months. I will just, you know. It'll be interesting. I will just go with the flow.

I could see you having a really easy time. Really? Yeah, because you cope well with adversity. Yeah, Lauren. Yeah.

I don't know. Hangovers? You still go to workout classes. Yeah, you're a champ. I'd take that $10 fee or $15 fee. Like, Lauren will literally, like, force herself to go work out still. And I'm just like, nope, I'm out. I don't like getting fined. It doesn't feel good. Same. Neither does she. Yeah, I just can't do it. Well, top comment. Oh, okay.

For now, top comment. Not the asshole. Like you said, it's not a blank check. Does she apologize once she's flipped out or does she keep going and not even bother? Oh, that's a good question. OP response. Apology might not be the right word. It would be something along the lines of

My bad. Went a little nuts there, but it's the hormones. So she's still not being very nice even when she apologizes. I honestly, sorry, you go ahead. No, no, no. You got it. I'm going to keep going. So if you have a thought now, it's time. I just feel like for people that are going through this, like this would probably be a great time for couples therapy to like just get on the same page, like prep for the baby because it's like,

If you're already dealing with issues and his feelings are left unresolved, he feels bad. He's not being treated well. Even after the baby is here and maybe hormones change and she gets back to her usual self, he might still be feeling bad and like he was abused by his partner. Correct. I think this would be a great time for couples therapy. You need a third party to...

explain and validate him that no it's not just the hormones all the time yeah there is some sort of sense of control here and you need a third party to tell her hey maybe try and work on this a little bit because he's not in a position to do so because that will just end in more push like shot at him yeah I wonder what coping strategies there are where it's like honey okay I hear you I'm gonna just walk away and remove myself I feel like

You're abandoning me. There's obviously like strategies, right? Or there should be. But like I could see almost some of those strategies being worse where it's like. They backfire. Yeah. Like if she's already yelling, like even when he brought it up, like she then yells more. It's like. And he's trying to just. How do you win? Do it gently. Yeah. So here's what's interesting. Unless you have a thought.

No, I just think that you're right. In a situation like this where it's not usual, it's not a part of their normal relationship. It is a temporary type of thing that's going on from what I'm understanding. It's like, I think, yeah, it's still regardless. It's still good to get into couples therapy because then at least you have somebody else who's kind of able to make you guys both take a step back, you know, like mediate a little. Yeah. And yeah.

I used to think when I was younger that when people went to couples therapy, I'm like, why are they even together if they have to go to therapy? Like, I thought relationships were supposed to be really smooth. Easy. But like now I'm I'm on the wave of just like if you have insurance and you can get in there easily, then if

If you guys start fighting and you are unhappy and you don't feel good, just book a session. See how it goes. I love that. Yeah. I love it. So there's some interesting back and forth here in the comments. I'll go through them quickly. One says, if she's not genuinely apologizing and can somehow manage not to treat other people like she does you, then she's abusive. Someone says, apologies, even genuine apologies would not make this not abusive.

And the original commenter says back, you're right, and I should have worded that differently. If she had shown any sign of genuine remorse, maybe it could be worked on through therapy and couples counseling. If she was treating everyone like this, perhaps it could be attributed to a serious psychological issue. So that's one side. And then further down, we have more people saying,

That's how I look at it. If she can refrain from screaming at other people despite her hormones, she can refrain from screaming at a person she allegedly loves.

And a bunch of people agree, but then someone goes, I don't disagree with your assessment, but in general, isn't a phrase like it's hormones more similar to it's hard for me to filter myself because of hormones. So I put less effort into filtering myself around people I don't think will react and judge me for it. Yes.

It's the same with kids. Kids oftentimes treat their moms like shit because they know their mom is a safe space and they can treat their mom like that. And their mom is still going to love them. Chalk it up as that. Like it's one of those things like, do I think this is abusive? Yeah, this is not a healthy relationship right now. And you kind of have to ask yourself like in general, like,

do you give her a pass because she's pregnant and hormones because she is not like this usually but he shouldn't have to deal with that for nine months so you go back and forth hearing all of this and you're just like you don't want to have a bad take but like obviously like this might be even like

Obviously, you're not the asshole. It's time for couples therapy. But I think it's interesting because someone pointed out and shared an article with me. But if you're in an abusive relationship, I think it was in response to the daddy story we had, Lauren. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, I saw that comment on Instagram. That's the funny thing. I always see everyone's comments on Instagram. So if you guys ever want me to see something...

That's where you go. Yeah. So they sent me like a thing and commented too and was just like, if you're in an abusive relationship, it's actually contraindicated. Essentially, like you shouldn't go to couples therapy because the abuser can go to couples therapy, learn the terminology, learn the lingo, and then further abuse, manipulate, hurt their partner. And so there's this hard line of like,

And we get it a lot on the write-ins that we take for Father Knows where these people are looking for help. And it's kind of scary because obviously a therapist is a roll of a dice. You don't know who you're going to get. Yeah. But it's kind of scary thinking that if you are in a bad situation...

And you're being gaslit that like, oh, this is fine. This is fine. This is normal. And you finally get the chance to go to couples therapy to have your partner work on things to be better together. It's kind of scary that like that can be used against you to further the abuse and make you stay. And get you more trapped. Yeah. And it's kind of begs the question of like if you are in that position and you feel you can't leave a relationship, right?

How do you get the help? What moves can you make to start poking holes and bring you back to reality and highlight its abuse and things like that? Well, maybe that's why they should go together, right? That's why individual therapy and couples therapy should maybe happen simultaneously with separate therapists. Yes. Because, you know, if you're able to, because then...

you can go digest your couples therapy session with your personal therapist and hopefully they could say, well, no, they're taking that and using that against you and give you some clarity. So you, so your radar stays on. Yeah. It's hard. And you can actually know like, okay, here's probably what's happening versus being wrapped up in it. I just feel like

It's kind of interesting to me. I'd be curious to read that article because I would think that when you are a couple's therapist, then you can see and hear if they're starting to use that against... If the abuser is starting to use it against the other person. I mean, I'm just... I'm trying to picture it here. It's like if they're going in once a week, let's say, then...

They're going to come in with like new conversations, new issues or new dynamics, whatever it is. Every single week, they're going to bring them something that they're working on or what happened that week. And then wouldn't the therapist be able to just kind of call them out and say, this is what's going on? You wonder. Maybe if the partner's good enough to take what they're learning from the sessions and manipulate their person to say, okay,

Yeah, no, I was wrong. And they put them back into a corner. They could go into the therapy session. And then pretend. Almost having the problem solved so that they don't... Because they think they're solved. Yeah, there's... You're like brainwashed. But it's hard because like therapy...

it's so subjective. It's every therapist is different. Like when I worked at my psychiatric facility, I worked with multiple different licensed marriage family therapists. Everyone had their own like experience model of practice. Like everyone treats everything so differently. So it's like, that's why when you go to therapy, if you don't get therapists that you vibe with, move on to a new one. Don't keep staying. But

But it is scary that you have unethical therapists that might be out there and they don't recognize those. But you hope that if there's a couples therapist out there that sees abuse or recognizes things, they might pull that person aside and make a comment without potentially putting them in danger. It's a fine line. There's an amazing, amazing show.

literally called Couples Therapy, I believe. It was on Showtime. I watched the first couple of seasons and you see firsthand relationships that like

the therapist even struggles with and she'll talk to her mentor about because therapists have to have therapists to talk about and you'll see it and she's like i don't know what to do with him like he is not a good partner like and she even struggles because she can't cross the line of saying like you guys should call it she's trying to help them yeah but you can tell like this guy's the biggest asshole and even as a viewer watching you're like i don't like this guy like this is not good

It's a really cool show. I can't believe people signed up for that show. It's a really good show. Really good. It's just really vulnerable. You got to put it all on the line. Yeah. Yeah. It's an amazing show. But here we go on Patreon, Lauren. You ready? I'm kind of nervous. Thank you guys for joining us on another episode of Two Hot Takes. As you're listening this, we...

As you're listening to this. As you're borrowing this. As you're borrowing your car's speakers listening to this episode. Sorry, I'm just razzing y'all. We will be in Charlotte, North Carolina, having our first live show. Oh, you're putting this out next week? Next week. Wow, fast turnaround. Baby. Or...

We will have Ben in Charlotte. I'm not sure. But either way, our live shows are not something you want to miss. Oh, I'm so excited. I'm pumped. It's going to be pumped. Honestly, I always have a good time at the live shows that we've done. The best time. So fun. Because you guys, the people who show up...

They really are like what we considered THT family. It's family. It's just you guys are amazing. We have literally- It's so fun. We have Patreon family that we get to talk to monthly. So we know that people are making drives and flights. We have people flying from Canada to Philly to come to a show. We have so many people making huge efforts to be at these shows. And it is going to be so fun.

I think we literally maybe, maybe have 100 tickets left between all the shows. Wow. So if you're hearing this and there's still some available in your city, jump. We're not sure when we're going to be able to do another big tour like this. Like maybe next fall. Well, this fall. But we want to see you guys. We want to meet you guys. So come on.

And if you have tickets, be sure you go to this episode's description and submit the Google form. Oh my gosh, I'm so excited for that. Only if you're going to the shows, please don't make our lives harder. Don't do that to us. And submit your answers because it's going to be good. We might pick on you guys.

I think that's going to be so fun. We got some crazy responses. I reposted it on my story today. You didn't tag me in it, but I screenshotted your little post. And then I took the link that you posted and I made my own little link and I put it on top of it. God, you're innovative. Yeah, because I was like, I'm really excited for this part. I want to pump it out. The responses we're getting are insane. One of the prompts to give you guys a preview is,

spoiler, we've asked people like, are you coming to the show with someone that you currently have an issue with? Or like, are you the asshole for this? And like, are you happy like to discuss it with us in person? We also have bombshells dropping. Like I've had some people approach me being like,

will you break the news for me? So like we have some crazy shit going down. Oh I'm so pumped. Crazy. It's gonna be really good energy. It's gonna be unreal. So thank you guys so much for your support on all the live shows.

On Patreon. It is all so appreciated. And this show, as I've said before, would be dead without all of you. I wouldn't be doing this still. So thank you so much. What did you say in the beginning of the episode? You'd be cleaning off. I'd be cleaning shit off my shoes. There you go. Yeah, for sure. You'd still like it.

I love OT. You would still like it. Yeah. I absolutely love, love OT. But I'm very, very thankful to have the privilege of doing this because of you guys. So thank you. And I'm trying not to cry. But anything else, family? No. I think you covered it. Okay. Until next time. Until next time. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.