218: Chaos is Enough Closure.. Ft. Chris Klemens
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We have not done this for quite some time, which feels very criminal. What? The fact we haven't recorded together in so long. I was thinking about that on my flight here last night. I was like, whoa, I couldn't even tell you when the last time I... It was the one in Studio City, question mark? Yeah, which...

I've been here a year in this new studio. What is time at this point? What is time? Not my friend. I know people, if you're watching on YouTube, you're already screaming. You're so excited because it's one of your favorites. We've got Chris Clemons joining us today. Hello, everybody. Get those tits shaking. Woo!

You guys are already like, let's cut the episode. No, I like the energy. Chris has started a new podcast. Chris vs. the People. I'm here in LA doing a little press run. I love this for you. No, I was so excited to have this be an excuse to come back. Give us the lowdown of what your show is, though, because you just gave it the perfect plug a minute ago, and you were like...

It's basically... I'm just like a nosy bitch. I really am. I've been interviewing people on the street for like 10 plus years. And I just really love talking with people. And being nosy, I'm going to choose not to call that out for you. I am so sorry that that landed on your piece of technology, though. You guys, just me dripping. Another day, another drip.

It's fine. I spill on myself more than any other human. Really? I would never have guessed that. You're so like put together. Okay. Thank you. Every time I see you at least. Oh my God, no. Even like on tour when I did a few stops, I was like, she has her shit so together. It's fake. Well, it's working. Thank you. Like I'm fully like convinced. Like it's working. I didn't drip on that one. But okay, go back to your show. Tell the people.

Oh, right. Yeah, before we started the episode, I was telling Morgan, I was like, wait, I feel like my show is the live call version of the show. It literally is. I didn't intend it to be. It's so good. I just like love being able to talk to people and not having to go anywhere besides like my house. Yeah, that's everyone's dream. And people, I just think the human experience, there's so many different ways it can go. And it's such a fun lesson in perspective because...

I'll be having a terrible day or whatever. And then I'll hear some of the stories and I'm like, oh my God. I had no idea I was living in like a little fairy tale. I know. I'm on the same planet as someone that did that. No, it's... Fucked a coconut? Girl, we are... That is behind us now. We're no more of the coconut. Okay, but honestly, the one that you shared from your show, I'm like more blown away by than the coconut.

Which one? Exactly. I forget a lot of them because they're just so insane. The one where the girl just like briefly wrote in and she was like, I slept with a homeless person and ended up getting throat. Yeah. She said, I ended up, I slept with a homeless man and ended up getting throat clap.

Parentheses hospitalized. And I was like, immediately I need to talk to you. She was like, had plans of law school. So she didn't end up going through with the call. No. But God, did I? Oh, I saved that call for last too. I was like, ah, I'm so excited. But it's okay. Everybody needs some blue balls every once in a while. Every once in a while. It keeps us humble, keeps us on track.

Amazing show. Everyone go check it out. It'll be linked in the description. Oh my god, thank you. Yeah, you can get it wherever you get podcasts. It's on YouTube. I'm absolutely obsessed with it. I really love it. It's really, it's a really, really good show. Good vibes, good energy, best host. Oh my god, stop it. But I'm so excited to have you here today. I feel like I always want to just like jar you. I always, I know you have the best reactions. So I'm going to

So I always try to give you my heavy hitters. Maybe I should just start coming here with a different approach of just like being like an Easter Island stone head. So I'm just like, wow, crazy. There's some crazy ones. But the theme I had is like,

closure. Like I need closure after reading this. Is closure a cult? Chaos is the closure that that's all we need. So I don't know what the hell we're calling it yet.

I'm scared. I'm excited. I didn't even understand what that little teaser for the episode was, so I really am just going into this raw. That is what word salad looks like when someone has a stroke. No, I definitely got the idea of words just were put in a blender and they just flew out. Something's gonna happen. And I can't wait. I always have the best time on the show. Let's go, baby. I'm so proud of you and everything you've accomplished with the show, too. Thank you. I mean, you just...

You never stop gagging me. Thank you. I know. We need to do a co-tour next year. That's our goal. Wedding this year, so I'm keeping it a little lower key. And then a co-tour so you can recoup the wedding. Yeah. Exactly. Chris, Morgan, hot takes versus the people. We'll workshop. We'll get it. Oh my God. I've been thinking about that. Wait. Actually, I thought about that a couple days ago. Within the last couple days, I was like...

wait, we really need to do that tour. That was so much fun. At least like the three days that I was there. You had someone literally propose in front of you. And that was just night one. I was like, what did I sign up for? It was so good. Everyone was like, this is beautiful. And I was like, yeah, except for the fact that I'm in the background of the photos going...

It was so good. So good. Yeah, we'll figure out the co-tour. That'll be a good time in 2026. Oh my God. I can't even think about the fact that 2026 is the next year. That's so bleak. I know. Let's dive in, guys. Oh, shit. Let me get my floaties. Okay, number one. I don't know what this is about. It was recommended...

By my friends on Patreon. I said, hey, I've got Chris coming. What stories should I read for him? And they said, this one. This one's going to do me dirty. I don't know. We're starting off easy. Do you not know the story? No, I haven't read it. Oh. I read the title and it intrigued me. So we're both going into this.

Completely. Blinders. Okay. We have no idea. Let's do it. So this is coming from AITAH, four months old, titled, Am I the asshole for pretending to think beans in chili are woke to prank my cousin who is obsessed with being anti-woke and who loves chili?

Wait, what? I was going to say it would be so funny to explain that sentence to a Victorian child, but then I'm like, I didn't even understand it as a... As a modern day adult. Modern adult. Intriguing title, right? So...

Their cousin is trying to be anti-woke, so they're trying to play a prank and say beans are woke in chili. Correct. You got it. Okay, I'm kind of obsessed. My cousin is known for making chili, and he's good at it. He makes his own chili flakes from his secret combination of various dried chilies, and it has a very nice kick. It's like the perfect amount of spice. It's hot, but not too hot. He also always adds kidney beans, not canned beans either.

Anyways, for the past two or three years, my cousin has become obsessed with all this bullshit about what is or isn't woke and how woke things are the end of the world.

He's always been a good dude, so I don't know what his bag is, but he is completely obsessed. It's annoying. I don't know what his bag is is about to be like I'm about to steal that. I don't know what their bag is. So the other weekend I was at his place and he was making his famous chili. So I got the idea for a little prank. I was like, quote, I'm surprised you still put beans in your chili. He was like, what? Why?

I was like, beans and chili are so woke. Everyone is saying so. He was like, what do you mean? And he was genuinely concerned as if this was something serious.

I said something like, quote, yeah, beans and chili are woke. The original conservative Texans who made chili only used meat and chili. San Francisco liberals started adding beans to the chili in the 60s because so many hippies were vegetarian. Now all the woke scientists are saying beans are a better protein source than meat. I'm obsessed with whoever this is. Like, I'm obsessed. He didn't say anything to that.

I kind of just assumed he would know I was fucking with him and get the joke. We've always fucked around with each other and jokes about all of that. But he was quiet all dinner. Just yesterday, I was back again at his place and he was making chili again. There were no beans. It was a totally different chili. This guy has been making his chili with beans for like 15 years. I was like, what's up? Where's the beans?

He was like, quote, I don't fuck with that woke shit. I was like, what? He was like, beans and chili are woke. Even you know that. Everyone else was like, what? Because dot dot dot. What? I was like, dude, I was just fucking with you. He got really angry. He dumped his chili in the sink and told everyone to go home. I thought he was pranking me back or something. But no, he was serious. The dude totally lost it.

I'm fucking dead. This is the best prank ever. He texted me later and said this exact thing. Quote, I researched this online and it turns out you really were lying to me. Beans are not woke. How could you do this? We went back and forth for a little bit. His position is even though we have historically pranked each other, I went too far that I betrayed him, that I made him question his chili.

I tried to ask him if this at all made him think he cared too much about woke. Like, what if beans in chili was woke? So what? He ignored that and demanded I apologize. Did I take this too far? Homeboy's acting like his cousin took their grandma, slaughtered her, and put her in the chili. I mean, it's beans!

To care if fucking beans that you are serving to your family is woke or not, that's crazy. And he's probably the person who's like, those liberal snowflakes. And it's like, oh my God, I'm not the one having a meltdown over beans. Over beans. My good sir. I love that beans are like, that's taking things too far. I feel like this is like very clearly a prank. And it's not OP's fault that

He's a little bit goofy in this, I'm going to be anti-woke culture. All it took was a quick Google search to tell you beans aren't woke. Yeah, and like, wouldn't you be like, ha ha, wow, you had me fooled? It's just, to me, it's not that deep. It's a bunch of beans. The fact he poured his chili out. No, drama queen. Everyone needs to go. That is so like Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. That is.

Is chaos. That's crazy. I love it. I want to know how old this man is. I know. Like, I need to know if he's like a 42 year old with like a soul patch. I mean, he's been making this chili for the past 15 years. So he's at least 15. He's at least 15. I was going to say like at least 30. Yeah, I was going to say at least 30. Because like who at 15 is like diving into a chili passion? Yeah. Unless you are, which in that case, get your chili on, girl. Like, okay, Top Chef. Top Chef.

Chopped kids, whatever you are. Yeah, chili is something you start dabbling in in your 20s. I'm like, right, yes, chili. Have you ever made chili? Oh my God. I've probably made like a version of chili, but like I wasn't trying to make chili. I think you should make chili.

I mean, I kind of do want chili now, but no beans. I don't want any of that woke shit. It sounds so good. Right now, Panera used to have the best vegetarian chili and you would get it in the sourdough bread bowl. That's so insensitive of you to say having a gluten intolerance. Oh my God. The bread bowl. The mac and cheese bread bowl at Panera was my jam. Oh, that sounds so good too. And now it would be the thing that puts me in a casket. They've got gluten-free sourdough. No, they don't.

Yeah, they've got all sorts of gluten-free breads. At Panera? Well, maybe not Panera. Oh, well, girl, I'm talking about Panera. I know that there's gluten-free breads out there. I'm just, it's not at Panera. Panera. Princess Panera, if you're listening, make a gluten-free bread bowl, please. I'm actually surprised they haven't tapped into that yet. The restaurant, company, food place that makes a gluten-free bread bowl, let me tell you, you will retire early. Mostly because I will buy them all. Oh my God, a bread bowl.

There's so many really good recipes for gluten-free bread bowls. They look incredible. Look at this. Look at this. That looks like it has gluten in it. Look at that. Look at that crisp. Oh my God. Yeah. I think that 20 minutes ago I was eating a sweet green salad. What a devastating time. I want the sweet green salad in the bread bowl.

Sorry. A little olive oil around the rim. Ooh! Yeah. Ooh! Top comment on this chili post. Oh, right. That's fucking hilarious. He's so damn fixated on what other people say is woke or not woke that he'll sabotage his own cooking. He handed you that material to prank him on a silver platter, and he needs to get over it. No, 100%.

That just made me think of like, what are the other pranks they've pulled on each other? Because I just have to imagine that this wasn't the craziest prank they've pulled on each other. No. Like, beans are woke. Maybe this is like the new plan of attack. We're like, guys, oxygen is woke. Breathing is woke. If you're breathing, I think you're woke. You could be onto something there. No, I think that would be like really nice population control.

Like Darwinism needs to come back. Let's bring back Darwinism. We've allowed too much. I know. I'm like the new Wendy Williams. I'm like death to all of them. Okay, moving on to this next one. Buckle up, you guys. It does need a bit of a trigger warning. Fuck.

It talks about some pretty serious issues with addiction and there's some body shaming. So please skip if you can't handle that today. Markers will be in the description. Thank you. The way my heart is racing. Like the way my heart just literally started going like, you got it. We got this. This is coming from our very own Too Hot Takes subreddit, 19 hours old, titled, Am I the asshole for telling someone I would never let myself get as fat as her?

So yeah, right off the bat, you might be. I mean, that's an insane thing to say to someone. I know how it sounds, but hear me out. Okay. I'm always down to hear people out. I, 25 female, was at a dinner with a group of six girls all around my age. I grew up with and I'm really close with three of the girls. I didn't know the other two very well, but they were close with my close friends. They all went to college together.

We were eating at a nice restaurant downtown in our city. Our table was up against a window and a homeless woman approached the window and was obviously on something or mentally ill. She waved at us and was saying something we couldn't hear over the noise inside. Everyone just looked at each other, giggled, and ignored her. It was pretty chilly out and she looked cold. I got up and met her outside and handed her a couple of bucks and wished her well.

When I got back to the table, one of the girls I didn't know that well, I'll call her Emily, said, quote, who just lets drugs take over their life. I would just never let myself get like that. I was fuming. I paused and looked at her. For some backstory, Emily is the heaviest girl in the group. Oh my God. She didn't reverse that, Seymour. Yeah.

We all have different body types. I am not skinny. She is plus-sized. Also, I am a recovering drug addict. My brother was also a heroin addict and experienced homelessness at some point. He died of an overdose when I was 17. Oh, so this is a very touchy subject. My family is full of addicts. I continued down that path, and addiction had me in its grips. My friends at the table went to college. I went to rehab and got sober.

I said, quote, yeah, exactly. I would never let myself get over 200 pounds. Just put down the fork. Am I right?

Okay, like no offense. She fucking ate with that even though the fork was put down. Everyone was silent. I mean, yeah. You could cut the tension with a knife. Or a fork and a knife. Emily looked at me clearly upset and explained how she has a thyroid issue and chronic fatigue syndrome. And for some people, it's really hard to lose weight. I said, quote, well, maybe that woman has an issue that we don't know about. And I left some cash for my food and I left.

My friends I'm close with texted and said that I was out of line and Emily is super self-conscious. I feel bad for going low and hitting where it hurts, but I just wanted them to get some perspective. I don't think I owe Emily an apology before she apologizes. Am I the asshole?

Wow. I mean, here's the way I see it. I think both parties can be the asshole. Yeah. And I think that's what we have a case of. I would say, yeah. Like, she knows she's being an asshole. She said it as out of retaliation. Like, you yourself, babe, said that you're an asshole without saying you're an asshole. I think you're both assholes. I think you were like being an asshole for good, but I still don't know if...

That was really like beyond cruel. Which one? The first one. I think both. I think when it's like, obviously it's like her saying something privately about a stranger. Shitty, especially you don't know what she's dealing with. She's homeless. She's clearly struggling mentally. You know, there's a lot going on there. But that wasn't like...

directly to that woman. Yeah, and if they, especially if they weren't, like, the immediate friends, how would they know? And, like, that's when you, to me, I would just say, like, well, as an addict, like, that's how you gag the girls. Yeah. Is to go, well, actually, as an addict who's recovering, it's not that easy. Like, then you gag them with, like, the facts, not... Because I just find, like, when you insult people as, like, a learning lesson, they don't take it as a learning lesson. They take it as...

bullying or they don't, they miss the point completely because they're so offended. I completely agree. I think, and I don't like looking at like conversations or friendships as like power, but like in terms of like you trying to get this back on course, teach them a lesson, imply some new perspective. As you said, I think you lose the power of sense. You lose the power of conveying your message when you start talking

cutting at someone else. Well, because it then becomes just, I think, completely emotional on both ends. It's not fighting from a point of learning or X, Y, Z. It's just, it becomes an emotional battle. I know. And I also think like there's more to be said where it's like, were you triggered? A hundred percent. You have every right to be what you were feeling is so valid. But you also then just like kind of gave her this like

this past now because you didn't really teach her anything about what she said was bad because you insulted her and made yourself look a little worse you could have had more in this conversation if you would have just been like hey you know what it's really cruel to talk about this person that would be like me telling someone larger to put down a fork do you see how that comes across like yeah

Yeah, you could have like had such a more meaningful teaching moment in this and just been like, just so you know, like I've struggled with addiction. It is a hard thing to recover from. And you don't know what her story is. It's also like a disease. It's like there's just so many different ways to go about that. I know. And just like, I mean, that.

That is a crazy thing to say to someone. Yeah, exactly. I would never let myself get over 200 pounds. Just put the fork down. Am I right? No, like as a rebuttal zinger, ate with that. Like ate. As a one-liner, ate. Insanity. The reason for the season was did not eat. That's true.

It's chaos. That's crazy. I think they're both assholes. But like, honestly, I think the girl who said the addiction thing is less of an asshole because that came from clearly...

A place of ignorance. Rather than like the poster who like purposely cut a bitch. That's kind of crazy. It's really, it's a really, it was very, I was shocked by it. To be the three friends, the three mutual friends at that table. Man. Oh my God. I would have shit bricks and built a house. I would have immediately gone up and gone to the bathroom. Like I can't handle this. I would have gone outside and smoked a joint. Yeah.

I can't handle this. Top comment does agree with you. Everyone sucks here. I totally get it. But you could have nicely corrected her by saying, quote, well, we don't know what people are going through. Having empathy goes a long way. Rather than stooping just as low as her, going after her body was pretty low. Yeah. I understand you were personally triggered. However, that does not give you a right to go after someone's looks. Agreed. And I think, like,

having that, you know, too, like having empathy goes a long way. We don't know what she's going through. Like it leaves her embarrassed to a point where like

I do think people that get embarrassed around other people and friends and whatever, like, I think that would have been a better learning, better motivator for her to change. Totally. So again, I don't, she might not have meant anything by it. Like she, like every, like there's so many times where I used to think, why would you just do drugs? Like just don't do drugs. And it's like you grow up and you see many perspectives and you realize that it's just not that simple. Yeah. So it's like, I, there's more to it.

Shut up. Oh my god, what? Well, we do have an update. What? Yeah. Oh my god, who killed who? We have an update. Oh my god, update me, girl. Welcome to Weekend Update.

A lot of comments on the original I'm seeing say you're both the asshole. Everyone sucks. To be honest, I don't see a lot of comments saying not the asshole. Okay. I'm going to say that right now. Okay. So for the update, y'all are torn. Thank you some for the honesty and some for the kind words. Update. I asked Emily to get coffee this morning to apologize. Okay.

We met and I started off by saying I was sorry for making it personal and making a comment about her appearance. And I would be really hurt if someone did this to me. Then I went on to explain how her comment about addiction being a choice is really uneducated and offensive. She said, thanks for apologizing, but my dad is an alcoholic and he chose alcohol over my mom and I. I would just never do that.

I tried to explain to her that her dad got to a point where he didn't have a choice anymore. He had a disease, and he probably felt shame every day for it. And I'm sorry that you didn't get what you needed as a kid or now. He probably didn't either, and that's why he found a way to cope, just like I did. She said she understands now and why she copes with food sometimes. I gave her props because food addiction can be challenging because you can't just stop eating, unlike drugs where you don't have to be around them.

We thanked each other, shared some more stories. We will remain friends and try to connect more. Thanks, folks. Cute. Happy-ish ending. Happy-ish ending. Some closure in all of that chaos. I mean, it definitely makes sense that she has... They just both have personal ties to very charged themes.

Absolutely. Like being a kid of an addict, I'm sure she has such a like he chose alcohol over my family. So I just see both sides. But a lot of big scars here. But also that kind of made me think less of the girl who said the addiction line because I'm like, wait, you deal with this? Yeah. And you said that?

I know. It's crazy how everyone processes. And like, our brains are just so... Like, how we can all rationalize something, like...

Like for me, I have alcoholism on my dad's side. And so it's like, I get it. And I do look at it as a disease. But I do remember being young and like immature and thinking like, oh, that's a choice. But that's, I think part of that's just life. Yeah. Is you like have a stance when you're younger because you don't have all the facts. You're seeing it through a very like tiny pinhole. And then as you get older, that hole opens.

It just gets bigger and bigger. Sorry, I lost where I was going with that. All I was thinking about was how I just said the hole gets bigger and bigger. Yeah. Yeah. Happy ending. Happy ending. Happy ending. Big hole happy ending. Happy ending. Okay, moving along to the next one because that was a lot.

This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Just like choosing a carrot cake recipe, if you know, you know, State Farm has options to choose from to help you find coverage that best fits your needs. Sounds a lot easier than a coin flip. So talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with the personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings, and eligibility vary by state.

We're ending this with the Jolly Rancher today. Wait, I was going to say I love Jolly Ranchers, but something's going to tell me that I won't after this. No, that'll be. Oh, my God. A Jolly Rancher gets stuck in a pussy, doesn't it? I swear to motherfucking God. Someone did it because they someone heard that it would make their pussy taste better. And that's why it's up there. It'll be on Patreon. It's going to be the free story for the month. I don't want to gross people out too much. Did I get it right? You'll see.

The way that I, unfortunately, just have been so in touch with the fucking lunatics of the world. Well, takes one to know one. I was going to say, as I double hand my...

Death grip. My tall boy drink. Didn't I give you a death grip story? Or was that Joe Santagato? Oh, no, you gave me a death grip story. That was, I think about that often when I masturbate, actually. I'm not going to lie. I'm like, have I gotten to death grip zero? Like, have I? That's how you're holding the can. You're giving death grip. No, I am. I'm like holding on to for dear life. But like, sometimes when I'm jerking off, I'm like.

Is this death grip? Like, I mean, okay, we're all adults here. And if you're not, well, I don't know. You should be listening. Yeah, that part. But I don't know. Like, I don't know why I'm on trial. It's not. Yeah. I mean, I put myself there, but still. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah, we both have the same little in our brains. Yeah. Okay. This next one is coming from AITAH4DaysOld. What's the H?

Asshole. Oh, they're making it two words. Okay. Which? I thought it was one. I thought it was two. Which is why I was... Oh. Great. I know. It is titled, Am I the Asshole for Refusing to Continue Breastfeeding the Twins I Was a Surrogate for?

Wow, this feels very topical because like everybody in my life just had a newborn. So I'm learning so much about breastfeeding and like, I didn't realize that like when babies have teeth, they're still nursing. Oh yeah, they chomp. I'm like, huh? That's when it's like, oh, you got teeth. Let's put some food in there. There's been a mom that her nipple was bit off. Her what? Mm-hmm.

Oh my god, that look was... just told me everything I need to know. It's rare. Like, it's rare, right, guys? I mean, I'm not gonna be breastfeeding, so, like, I'm not terribly worried. I've talked about this... well...

I've talked about men can lactate. You know that, right? No. Some can. Wait. Oh my God. How do I find out if I can? I would love to breastfeed my nephew. Okay. I cannot find the image. That's honestly for the best. Let's just get into the story. Okay. We've got a surrogate who doesn't want to breastfeed anymore. This is going to be so great. Okay. Am I the asshole for refusing to continue breastfeeding the twins I was a surrogate for?

I am a 32-year-old female and served as a surrogate mother to my 36-year-old female sister who couldn't bear children as a result of her cancer treatments. I carried twins for her and her husband using their embryos. The delivery took place three months ago. This is where it got bizarre. My sister keeps requesting me to breastfeed the twins since breast is best and she can't lactate.

I agreed at first since I wanted to assist her, but it is taking over. No, breastfeeding is like a whole schedule. Like my friend, oh my God, I have the funniest video. I went to the Beyonce concert and I have a video of like zooming in on Beyonce and then zooming out to my friend who's like pumping and they're like pouring milk in the bottles. And I'm like, oh my God, we are adults. That is amazing. It's such a schedule. That is amazing. Oh my God. If I were the surrogate, I too would be like, I don't want to do that. I...

You just carried twins? I would be like, I have double served my country. She insists that I visit her five to six times a day or express milk enough for all meals.

Not treating her sister like a fucking dairy cow. I work full time and have my own four-year-old child to look after. I informed her I would need to reduce to perhaps twice a day and some expressed milk and she burst out crying, telling me I was depriving the babies of the opportunity at optimal health. Her husband sent me a text stating that I was selfish as I, quote, already did the hard part.

Says a man. Classic. Yeah.

I told her no and mentioned that formula was a perfectly adequate way to supplement. She took offense and said I was abandoning my nephews and breaking our agreement. I left without giving them food. My mom said my sister and I should be more understanding about her situation, but to be honest, I feel my body is being used as a dairy farm.

Am I the asshole if I wouldn't want to be their full-time milk supply? I don't think so at all. No. I don't, I mean, listen, obviously, I don't know why I would know this, but I don't know what is required, like, what is agreed upon of being a surrogate. Like, if I were a surrogate...

It's like, here's the fucking baby. Or in this case, here are the babies that I carried. Have a good one. Yeah. Twins? She's postpartum. She's got hormones. She's got all this crazy stuff going on. But also, like, are you paying your sister to be doing all this? Like... No mention of money. I don't know. That, to me, is, like, crazy. I'm baffled. I'm...

I just, I don't understand how, I would feel so embarrassed constantly being like, hey, sis, bring your tits over. Come milk for my kids. Yeah, like Jimmy and Joni are hungry. Whip them out. Well, it's also like- She's like, I'm in a meeting on Zoom. I'm also like really curious and maybe some moms out there could chime in because I know too, if like you have a baby-

You start like producing like naturally. But if you don't start breastfeeding, you dry up a lot quicker, obviously. And it's some moms do it because they are going back to work right away and they don't want to be pumping or doing that. So I have friends that have like chose not to breastfeed at all because for their life and they were it just made sense. Right.

And so I'm like, she's also now sacrificing where she didn't dry up. She has to pump. And she's now got to go through that phase of like weaning and like wearing the little like pads. Because if you hear a baby cry, you start just milk splurging out. And then you look like you have a wet shirt. She's also sacrificed her body to have these twins. And now she's making even more sacrifices. Like coming over five to six times a day.

If you're not getting paid, that's crazy. No. What are they going to do? I feel like this is where my brain goes crazy. They made a bedroom for her. Are they going to hold her hostage in it? Well, that part gagged me a bit because I'm like, wait, she literally just said no and you said, well, here's a whole bedroom suite. That's crazy. Where's her little four-year-old going to stay?

Who's? OP. Oh my God, I forgot they had a child. Yeah. Because they're dealing with three. Yeah. This is goofy. Not the asshole. The fact that you would even question. The fact that you were a fucking surrogate for your sister, you've already, you deserve a medal of honor. And twins, like.

And twins. And then you get a text from a deadbeat husband saying, you failed your sister, honey. I would get in the car faster than you could spell hello. And I would hit that motherfucker. You've already done the hard part. Just breastfeed. Have you heard of the clogged ducts? Oh my God, mastitis. Yeah. I just learned about it. You've already done the hard part.

Says the guy who literally has done nothing for the last 12 months work. Come on. Come on. If I were the OP, I would have been like, all right, here are your kids. Why don't you try it? Yeah, we're good. If it's so easy. I hear some men can lactate. What are you Googling with that fucking maniacal face? You freak. How can men lactate? Yeah, actually, I would love to know. Is there something I can do?

Men can lactate or produce breast milk, though it's less common than in women. This is typically due to a surge in the hormone prolactin, which stimulates milk production in the mammary glands. So I feel like you could just... How do I get prolactin? And so I just go to like CVS and it's like on the shelf? Things that can increase prolactin levels in men, starvation, liver cirrhosis, certain medical conditions. Oh. And some medications. Okay. Well, I... Yeah. Okay. Okay.

I don't think starvation is on my, is on my, is in my future. I'm like already thinking about what I'm eating next. Top comment on this one. Not the asshole. You gave her a gift, not a subscription.

Oh my God, the girls are eating with the one-liners today. You already did something massive. You carried two human beings inside you for nine months. You wrecked your sleep, your hormones, your body, your schedule, and probably your sanity at times for someone else. That is Olympic-level generosity. But apparently, in your sister's mind, that wasn't the end of the favor.

I would be going nuclear. I would honestly have to really distance myself from my sister at this point. And I'm also like, I'm wondering, I'm like, maybe the sister is like going through some mental health stuff because... I mean, I wonder, I mean, she can't feel great that like she wasn't able to like carry her own kids because of something as tragic as cancer. But like... Very, very, very good point. I know. Sometimes I do have really logical standpoints.

But still, like, girl, get a grip. Maybe even two. Put two hands on it and get a death grip. Yeah, there's no update from OP. That is such a bummer because I was really hoping there was. How long ago was this? Four days. Oh.

Can we message them? Can we call them? I know. Can we get them on the show? Do you remember that one crazy ass story we had and we did end up getting an update? I like immediately texted it to you when I saw it come out. Yes. I don't remember anything about it, but I remember getting a text and thinking like, oh my God, this is so fun. Yeah. Only two comments from OP. So,

Someone just says, not the asshole. If they had contracted with a surrogate that was a stranger, I'm betting they wouldn't dream of making such demands. 100%. You did your part. Time for them to take over and learn how to feed their babies. That's a really good point. I wonder if they're struggling with bottles and like...

It's easier to call the sister. Like, wah. Call the wah ambulance, baby. I mean, I don't know what to tell you. O.P. responds. That's exactly what I thought. I feel like they're taking advantage of our relationship. Mm-hmm. Other comment from O.P.?

Someone says, it's a shame these details weren't previously agreed upon. However, if they had used a paid surrogate, they certainly wouldn't expect that of her. There's nothing wrong with reclaiming your body and time now. Give them some space if they are unable to accept that. Opie says, yeah, probably the best thing to keep some distance until all of us have calmed down a little bit. Until they calm down. I think you're on track, baby. Just don't.

I just don't understand why I wasn't born with this kind of nerve. Like, oh my God, I'm afraid to like ask someone to like move out of the way so I can like reach and grab something at the grocery store like that. I'm like, I'm so sorry. Like, I know you're busy. The stuff I put myself through trying to be like nice. Like the other day I was on a plane flying and I

I was waiting for a bathroom and I'd been waiting there for like five minutes. It was very clear. Like whoever was in the one on the right was taking a poop. And the girl that was in line in front of me had gone in. They both come out at the same time. And a guy that had just walked up across the way was like, oh, are you in line? I'm like, yeah, clearly I'm in line. I'm not standing here in front of an airplane bathroom for fun. And in my head, I was like, should I take the smaller one because I'm smaller? Yeah.

It's like, that would be the nice thing to do. But I'm like, clearly someone just took a massive shit in there. And...

So I picked the one that the girl came out of. But I felt bad. I was like, I put this bigger guy in a tiny bathroom and, you know, whatever. But I'm like, I was waiting way longer. Why do I have to go in the shit one? I mean, but the gag is it's like we're all losing in an airplane bathroom. Like there isn't one that is it. But why do our brains think that way? Because I think about a bathroom. You're not grabbing shit off of a shelf. Because I think. Why are we so nice?

I mean, I don't even know if it's nice as much as it is just like mentally ill, you know? Like, I mean, it's definitely like, it's great to be empathic, empathetic. Oh my fucking God. Oh my God. I am fucking brain dead. That's why I'm not grabbing stuff off of the grocery store shelf because I ate glue. I feel like...

I feel like that is a word, though. Isn't empathic a word? Yeah, we're getting the green light. It's fine. It's fine. No, I have no idea. I don't know either. I just made that up. Oh my God. I almost spit coffee everywhere. I don't understand people who have the nerve to just be like, no, get your titties over here and feed my two kids. What? That's crazy. Is that like...

Entitlement, audacity. Like, where does that stem from? I think it's just kind of like a little bit of everything put into that chili. Ay. God, chili sounds so good. No, chili sounds fucking amazing. We need like super, we need. Except you walk out the door and it's like 100 degrees. We gotta see.

True. You gagged me with that one, girl. That's fine. The husband should just never have gotten involved, by the way. Like, the husband really pisses me off in that story. I get you're trying to be a good partner, but, like, stay out of it. You sound deranged and not on the job. Well, just, like, you are the most useless piece in this equation. Like, you have provided nothing. No. You're not even feeding your kids. Unless you start taking prolactin supplements, then you should shut up. Get prolactin.

You can get it from a pituitary tumor with... That doesn't sound good. It's also what my horse has. A pituitary cancer? Pituitary tumor. Tumor. Yeah, it's called Cushing's disease. And your horse has it? Yeah, he's very... He's needy. He gets two pills a day. Of prolactin? It's called Presend. It's like a medication. I'm just wondering if I should talk to a horse vet about getting prolactin. Hey, I'm looking to... Make some milk. I'm looking to milk.

I feel like I literally, this is the craziest thing that is coming to my mind now. Oh boy. So there's a radio station in Minnesota where we're from. Yeah. It's like kind of iconic. It's Dave Ryan morning show, whatever. Justin is obsessed with it and he listens all the time. There was a story on there the other day and this woman was calling in and she was like, I found a picture on my boyfriend or husband's phone and I'm wondering if I'm overreacting.

And she had gone into his phone to like send pictures of something to herself. And when she went in there, she found a video of someone squeezing their breast and like milking themselves into a cup of coffee. Apparently, boyfriend, husband, whatever said, oh, my coworker and me thought it would be funny. And so the coworker pulled down her top and milked herself into a cup of coffee at work.

And I'm just like, the thought of milking yourself as a human, like I get like a pump doing it, but like to physically milk. That's not even the part that like perturbs me in the story. It's like the fact that they're like at a cubicle and she's like, hey, how funny would it be if I just started dripping into my coffee?

That's kind of crazy. I know. Like, I think the whole, like... Where's HR? I don't think it's, like... Maybe I'm crazy, but I don't think it's insane to, like, see someone's...

No. While they breastfeed? No. Or, like, to me, that's just, like, a fun party trick. It's not like she's, like, shaking her tits out and shoving them in his face. Yeah. Like, that feels harmless, but, like, that's something you send your wife of, like, oh, my God, Amy at work just milked herself into her coffee. It's...

I mean, that is a sentence. Maybe you don't text that. But why did he take a video? Like, okay, it's a... I can't imagine being that close with my office coworkers. One. Two, if you are... No, it's one thing to see it live. But to video it is crazy. What are you going to do with that video? Just reminisce? It's not even like you can post it on Instagram being like, LOL. No. It would get taken down because the world hates women nipples.

Even though literally it's the source of life. I know. But that was a fun story for you all. And this next one is something. I don't know if fun is the right word.

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Get 15% off all Colgate Optic White products at shop.colgate.com with code 2HOTTAKES. Always use as directed. Oh my God, you have to stop giving these like little teasers. So this is coming from r slash amirong. It is four hours old.

Oh my fucking God. Okay. It is titled, caught my stepmom, 37 female, and cousin, 27 male, in the act twice in one day. Told my dad, but he's still with her. Am I wrong for being involved in this mess? Moment of silence for Chris's brain right now. No, I just, wow, okay, we just jumped from...

Literal lactation to incest. Okay, sure. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Let's fucking do it. Which is what the stepmom and cousin said to each other. How fun is that? I, 22 female, caught my stepmom, 37 female, and my cousin, 22 female,

27 male hooking up at midnight a few weeks ago. I mean, just barf. Like, that sentence alone is just barf. And before you say it, I know they're not fucking blood related. I don't give a fuck. If someone can say my stepmom and my cousin had sex in a sentence, er, no. Oh my god.

There's so much more incest in the world than I ever thought. So much. Oh my God, I do secrets at my shows and I always save like the craziest ones for last and a lot too many of them have been about like cousins. I might have another incest one. We'll read after. We'll see. I was up late, heard weird noises and walked in on them in the guest room. I saw them in messed up situations twice in that first day.

First, it was the afternoon in the kitchen. I went to grab a drink and saw my cousin touching and kissing her. I froze. Wait. Didn't say anything. Wait. Wait. And just went back to my room. Wait, what the fuck do you mean? Yeah. That this person got up to get breakfast and his cousin is just fingering the stepmom at the dinner breakfast table? Touching and kissing her. That is so... And she's married! What?

She's married to the cousin's uncle. Holy balls, dude. This is so insane. I just went back to my room hoping I was imagining things. But then the same day in the evening, I saw them again in the kitchen. This time it was even worse. My cousin was rubbing his erection against her from behind. That was maybe one of the biggest bummers of a sentence I've heard in a minute. That, I think that just gave me erectile dysfunction. Yeah.

I was shocked, disgusted, and honestly didn't know what to do at first. I would have said, get your boner off of your step-aunt, cuz. I decided to tell my dad. The fuck? Because, well, how could I not? Yeah, his wife is cheating on him with his nephew. He deserved to know. I told him everything, and we waited for the night. We knew something would happen tonight. We ended up in a room with a man.

We ended up busting them the next night. What kind of Ghostbusters shit is this? They're like, we set up the GoPros. We knew something was going down that night.

It was a mess. We caught them in the act. My stepmom tried to make an excuse. My cousin just bolted, and it was chaos. I thought for sure my dad would kick her out or start divorce proceedings. But here's the part that's got me floored. My dad decided to stay with her. He said they're working through it and that it's complicated.

I pushed him on it, saying she betrayed him and it's disgusting. But he got mad at me for meddling and told me to stay out of their marriage. Now things are super tense at home. Stay out of your bitch. Tell your wife to stay out of your cousin. What are you talking about? My stepmom acts like nothing happened and my dad's pretending it's all fine. But I can't look at either of them the same way.

I feel betrayed, not just by her, but by my dad for choosing her over what I thought was right. I expected him to have some more self-respect. Am I wrong? The worst part of all of this isn't the fact that a stepmom is fucking your cousin. It's that, like, this person genuinely feels in the wrong and is asking the internet if they're wrong. I know. About her stepmom fucking her cousin. Like, you did the right thing.

You did the right thing. I'm sorry. I'm just trying to think. If I was married to someone and my biological child comes up to me and says, hey, your spouse is fucking my cousin. And I walk in and see it? Oh, honey, that's a wrap. We're going to friendlies for the wrap party. Like, what? No. And also, like, she's not going to change if fucking...

A step-nephew was on the table. It's never going to go off the table like that. Ooh, the way that sounds. But if, if that's on the menu at any point, the menu is always going to be a little cursed. I know she's not changing. No, there's like a level of disconnect that will never be connected. This is so to me, it's really bad. There's like 8 billion people in the world and you need to fuck your step-nephew. I know.

I know. How old was the cousin? 27. So they're 10 years apart. Mm-hmm. That's, oh my God. This is... Which, no mention of dad's age. I'm curious about it. Oh, you know he's at least double hers. I mean, not that it really matters, but it's... I mean, if his daughter is 22...

I don't think he's close in age with the step wife. Yeah, unless he had a kid really young. And also the fact that he's willing to look past this. Doesn't want to die alone. Yeah. No. Okay. That sounds cruel. No, but that's true. It's fresh on my mind. I saw another story that like the dad isn't leaving someone because he doesn't want to die alone or like someone found out something. I was just like,

You deserve love. Like there is love out there at all ages, no matter what position you're in. Just go on the golden bachelor. What position you want to be in later. Like, but the cousin stepmom trope, like this does not need to occur. Like you know, the cousin stepmom, we know a position they were in missionary.

really i don't know i mean they're giving doggy would you want to make eye contact with your family as you're fucking them i hope it's missionary missionary you look dead in the eyes oh i am thinking of doggy i'm like missionary okay we're in a little bit of a dry spell if we couldn't tell that's intimate oh i don't know missionary you're like

Pump in an eye contact. Oh yeah, that is the eye contact one. I just think of missionary feels like church, which feels like I don't want to be looking, which I guess is like my logic. Some religious trauma. Yeah, like a confessional. Like there's, it's anonymous. Yeah. But doggy. No, they're totally doggy. They're doggy. And especially with that, that line.

My cousin was rubbing his erection against her from behind. Barforama.com slash about. Yeah. Terrible. Disgusting. Terrible. You're not wrong, OP. I think you've been through it. You presented your dad with the information you had. You had a little Ghostbuster recon caught them. Your work here is done. It's time to emancipate yourself. Whatever your dad is going to do, he's going to do. And you got to get out of there. You got to do what I hope your cousin did. Pull out. Time to go.

Am I wrong? You hope the cousin stayed in? Yeah. Talk about it. Top comment. Your feelings are valid, but you can't control or dictate other people's actions. You did the right thing. You let your dad know what was going on behind his back. Now it's up to him what he chooses to do with his life. And the same is true for you. I mean, like, what do you do about that? I don't know. Like, what the fuck do you do about that?

disown your whole family and move to Alaska? Well, I don't know if that's the answer. I'd pick somewhere else besides Alaska. I was just looking at a map the other day. It's so far. And it is actually insane that America got Alaska. No, it's crazy. It is like, and I get there was whatever with London and the Brits were trying to buy it and then Russia and we wanted to keep it, but it's like... Oh, I didn't even know any of that. There's a lot there, but it's very clearly Canada.

Oh, it's just Canada. We should give that back and we should give Hawaii back and we should just... No, I mean, before we give Hawaii back, let's give back, like, I don't know, most of the Midwest and Florida and Texas. Let's just erase it all. Yeah, let's... Just a blob. Let's go back to Pangea. Let's call it Pangea. Oh, I miss Pangea. Pangea. Can you imagine how nice that would have been? Oh, we could just drive everywhere. Oh my God. I would never have to get on an airplane. A high-speed train would be incredible. Yeah.

I could go on a full rant about high-speed. We need more trains here in the U.S. Why are there no high-speed trains from east to west? That person would be so much richer. Well, we know why. Why? Because the military tried to create these superhighways and the big automobile industry didn't want us to have public transportation. That's why a lot of cities got rid of electric streetcars. The big automobile industry, the big three...

Death to all of us. It's why we didn't... Have you ever heard about the car called the Tucker? What'd you call me? The Tucker. No, I haven't. It's a car. It was like way ahead of its time in terms of safety and being like a hybrid. And the big automobile industry put it under because they didn't want the competition. There's so many conspiracy theories about the automobile industry killing people that create cars that can run on water and like...

I'm a big conspiracy theorist, if y'all didn't know. We should get into that on episode two. No, I fear that the tinfoil may or may not be found on my head at this point. Why do people wear tinfoil hats? I think to stop the radiation or something. I don't know, but isn't that what you call a conspiracy theorist, like tinfoilers? Yeah, I could see it. Have you heard of the Faraday bags? A Faraday bag? Are you trying to say bag? Bag.

It's okay if you are. I'm just trying to make sure that I don't just have... I'm going to soak this. No, that's okay. No, no, no. Bag. No, bag is great. Do you say bagel? Bagel. Oh, okay. Never mind.

Anyways, what's this fallopian bag? Okay, so a Faraday bag. Because there's these car thieves now that can come up with an antenna and get your keys, RFID, like signal. And they can literally come up to your house with the antenna and steal your car by not even having your key or entering your house. So if you get a Faraday bag, it blocks the signals.

I needed another paranoia like a hole in the fucking head. I know. I know. Dash cams, Faraday bags, home security systems. Just put me down. A window breaker for your car in case you drive into water. I'm going to start making a list for everyone of must-need items. Getting out of your car if you go into water is very difficult. I have like so much existential dread right now. Okay. Oh my God. And it all stemmed from a cousin fucking his step-aunt. Well, let's lighten.

I don't think that's going to happen, but sure, let's lie to ourselves. Let's lighten the mood.

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Now, to get 10 free mails with a free item for life. One per box with active subscription. Free mails applied as discount on first box. New subscribers only. Varies by plan. Maybe. I haven't read this one. Just going based off the title. Great. What could go wrong? It's coming from Relationship Advice. Five days old. Should I fuck my step-aunt? I don't know. No. My 29 female boyfriend, 35 male, yelled at me for wearing pajamas.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years, and in the beginning of our relationship, he has gone angry at me for wearing pajamas or loungewear around the house. He says it feels like I'm not putting in any effort for him, but I've told him I value comfort and practicality, and I also don't want to dirty my nicer clothes if I'm staying home all day.

We still don't see eye to eye on this, but I've tried to compromise by wearing what makes me comfortable at home and dressing sexier when we go out together or when we're intimate. Break up with your boyfriend. Yeah, yeah. Cause you're just want to wear some loungewear, girl.

For the most part, this has worked, but there was an issue several weeks ago where he came home while I was half asleep, saw that I was wearing a tank top that had a stain on it, and woke me up to yell at me about how disgusting and disrespectful this was. To clarify, this tank top was completely clean. It had been washed several times, but the stain just won't come out.

I can't bring myself to throw out lightly stained or ripped clothes because it feels wasteful. And I try to repurpose them as pajamas. Today, I came home a little after 9 p.m. I said hello to him, told him I'd join him in a second, and went to change into pajamas.

He asked if I could stay wearing my regular clothes, and I told him I would prefer not to, explaining that I was tired, uncomfortable, and in pain from period cramps. Also, it's 9pm at night, and I'm at home, you fucking lunatic. And so, I continued changing. This angered him, and he said that it was disrespectful to wear my pajamas after he specifically asked me not to.

He said it was unfair that I wore cute clothes in front of everyone else all day and to just wear grimy clothes in front of him, especially after he was kind enough to give me a ride to work and pick up something from the store for me. What a humanitarian. He also argued that my outfit didn't look that uncomfortable. This is crazy. This is like girl run, right?

Run! I tried to point out that the pajamas I changed into are clean, and it was hurtful to hear that he thinks I'm grimy and disgusting when I'm just wearing normal house clothes. I also tried to tell him that even if my clothes didn't look uncomfortable, I was, and again, I'm in pain from period cramps.

I didn't even bother trying to explain that the only reason I was dressed semi-nicely is because he's yelled at me and made me feel bad in the past for wearing comfortable clothes like leggings and hoodies. Okay, I'm going to stop you right there. If you are in a relationship and you type the words, he made me feel bad. No.

That you're not in a relationship. You're in like a conservatorship. What are we doing here? You don't need to be with these people. It is so much better to be alone in your stained, cleaned tank top.

He just continued yelling. So I shut him down and went to bed. I just know that he looks like Mr. Tumnus took some steroids. I just know that that's what this guy looks like. I just don't like feeling like I owe someone something pretty to look at and that me looking attractive to him is more important than my physical comfort.

This has been a point of contention multiple times in our relationship, where he's pressured me to wear high heels or revealing clothing that I'm not comfortable with because it's what he likes. I also feel like he might be punishing me because I went out for dinner with a friend, another woman, and while out, a man approached us and tried to hit on us both.

I have compromised a lot on this issue. But how can I tell him my comfort in my own home is not something I'm willing to compromise? It's simple. It's two words. Fuck off. This, you gotta be done. Two words. We're done. Yeah. This is so bad. This is abuse. Let's call a spade a spade. Also, like, it's giving, like...

Is your boyfriend gay? Because it just sounds like he wants to play with a Barbie. I'm sorry. He wants to play dress up with a real person? Get a Barbie. Wear these heels. Look more seductive. Show me some cleavage. I mean, that's like... Show some skin. In the closet, rule number one. Like, I love boobs. I don't know. This is weird. Well, and like...

There's no mention of him buying these items for her either. That's what I was going to say is like, okay, if someone, if someone I was dating was like, I like to be comfortable, but I, I mean, if you shouldn't, he'd just be stoked that his like girlfriend is home. Not like, babe, why are you wearing a double pleated button down? Like what? No. Why do you even know what that is? It's really strange. Unless you're in the closet.

It's really strange. And I think like there's something cute to like, I've seen this thing where guys will get their girlfriend like a dress and be like, put this on. We're going out to dinner. That is cute. But that's like a nice gesture, a nice gift, a romantic date night. But if it was every single decision, you look grimy in sweatpants. You don't look good enough for me. I'm only attracted to you if you dress up.

That's where you start to get not okay. This is manipulative, psychologically weird controlling behavior. It's like Kanye West, Bianca Sensori. That is just bleh. It's just like the same thing. I want to know what this motherfucker is wearing. Like if he isn't in a Brooks Brother five-piece suit with like some tight little brand new loafers that he's breaking in band-aid-less, I don't want to fucking hear it. Mm.

Oh, my God. The audacity. I swear to God, if he's wearing like some fucking cum stained jeans and a piece of shit T-shirt, it's got me fucked up. Well, and again, no mention of him buying these items. Like if if you're trying to play that, like because I know there is that trope out there, it's giving like 50 shades of gray, like Anastasia, I'm going to dress you up.

You got 50 shades of gray out of that? No. I got zero shades of gray area. That is just like a black and white situation of your boyfriend is crazy. Yeah, no, he's not good. And the fact he's yelling at you. The minute someone starts yelling at me, we're done. What's going to happen when you are five minutes late to picking him up? Does she explain what he wears? No.

So I'm looking at some comments, okay? Oh, does it get worse? It's interesting. It's interesting. Okay, so that wasn't a no. So there are quite a few comments that OP responds to. I'm going to read the top one first just to get that out there, okay? Top comment. They quote OP, I have compromised a lot on this issue, but how can I tell him my comfort in my own home is not something I'm willing to compromise?

They go, you've told him. He doesn't care. How about looking for a partner who likes you and wants you to be comfortable? Next comment down, a good partner likes a comfortable girlfriend way more than a fashionable puppet bang maid. I'm so sorry, but he is trash as a partner and human. Oh, I fear that commenter ate.

Yes, a good partner is usually touched to have the honor to see you lounging around the house in a state of dishevel. The way only those closest to you can see. I just have a thing where it's like, if you have to write this into the internet...

That usually is a sign that like things are not good and things should change. For sure. And I think that... Like she knows that this is insane. She does. But like I think all of us in past relationships...

We've all made excuses for partners. Totally. We've all put up with stuff that like we typically wouldn't. And like this probably started off not as aggressive as this. Right. And then you get trapped in it. It's no different than like, I mean, this is abuse. And like people have difficult times leaving abusive relationships. And I wasn't trying to make it seem like it's easy. Yeah. No. But like, but I mean, this comment does like point it out. Right. Like someone goes two years of this shit.

Are you exhausted? Oh my God. I'm exhausted from hearing two minutes of this story. Next comment down. Some people's self-esteem is so low that they can take so much. It's sad. Oh my God. Like her self-esteem? And that comment, like... That makes me want to cry and hug this person. I know. And then like give her a really comfy pair of sweatpants. Maybe like two if I'm feeling crazy. Maybe three. So Opie does respond to some stuff, okay?

Someone goes, please don't waste any more time with this person. Let go of the sunken cost concern. He is extremely controlling and superficial to a worrying degree. Hate to jump to it, but does he by chance have a porn addiction? Or social media accounts where he just follows hot girls?

His values are warped and you are too grown for this mess. Stand up for yourself. Have some respect. And when you date in the future, meet someone on the same maturity level. Not age, but emotionally and culturally evolved. I'm sure your self-esteem is eroded by the way he harasses you and puts you down. Don't believe it. Break the spell and dump him.

OP responds, in my opinion, he absolutely has a porn addiction. But he would tell you he just has a high libido. He does follow a lot of porn stars and OnlyFans models on IG and likes their photos. I feel like it's given him unrealistic expectations about dating and sex. I'm impressed you were able to garner that from my post.

red no like I'm just red like I would say more I am holding back a fart but I am gagged by that I am gagged by that wow like I'm exploding with air from that wow I also like okay I saw this TikTok recently of this guy who was like

Like being hot is great, but you should be looking for someone that will call the funeral home when you're too tired from dealing with your dead parent. Like you should be finding the person who will help pick up like things that you don't want to do and who wants to be there for you and who wants to be proactive for you. I feel like I saw a similar TikTok. Was it like a hot guy who turned out to be straight? I think so. Hold on, I saved it. And it was like essentially like

It was like date with the intention. This guy? Yes. So the caption on it, do you want to read what it says on there? Your future husband will literally have to guide you through the death of both of your parents, so choose that man wisely. And that... That... G-g-g-g-gagged me. When I started thinking about that, I was like...

okay, I know I made the right choice. You're like, I need to rethink everything. I'm like, let me check. Okay, we're good. We're locked in. We're good. Because like that, like,

Your worst day. And if you don't have a partner you can depend on and know will help take care of things or lift you up or. Or if you have a partner that you know will make it an even bigger burden. Yes. That is just like, what are we doing here? I feel like I've read. I definitely have read it somewhere that.

It was a story from maybe our own Two Outtakes subreddit, and it was someone whose dad died, and her partner couldn't even bother to show up to the funeral in a suit. He wore, like, Adam Sandler basketball short outfit. Husband? Husband. And it's like, on my worst day, all I asked him, I begged him to just dress nice, and he wore basketball shorts. I mean, I wouldn't even wear basketball shorts to a stranger's funeral. That's kind of insane. I know.

Although at my funeral, athleisure will be accepted. Okay. In fact, encouraged. Oh, I love that. Everyone will get a joint or a drink at the door. I want nobody sad. That's what I want. I'm going to be in like a king bed in the front, just like asleep. Yeah. So it's like nap time. Oh, you're doing open. Oh. Yeah, I'm going to be like open and then I want to have like animatronics. Okay.

Oh, okay. No, the way I've thought about it. You're giving that ventriloquist movie. Or if I get cremated, I want my ashes to be put, you know those like elephant like games that shoot out the butterflies and you have to catch them that played as a kid? Stop. I want to put my ashes in there and whoever catches the most gets like something out of the well. Have you seen ashes before? No. There's no catching it in a net. No, it's not a net. It's like a bucket. Oh, a bucket. Yeah. Or like a jar. Yeah. How do you prevent people from eating you? I don't know. I've got time to workshop, I hope.

I hope people eat me. You know, I hope people snort me. I hope people find some of me on their sweater in a couple days. Could you snort ashes? So me and my mom, we actually opened...

This is a lot. I'm like, wait, where are you going with this? Well... The segue of eating and snorting ashes, you can't segue into, like, a family story now. We were curious about what the ashes looked like because we had never seen them. Oh, yeah. And so we opened her partner's ashes and you see...

Some stuff, but it's really just like... What's some stuff? Like bones? Yeah, there's like tiny bone shards. Shut up. Mm-hmm. Whoa. But otherwise, it's just like dust. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a fireplace. Yeah. I personally want to be buried, and I don't want any embalming. So we have to have a Jewish funeral. It's got to be real quick, three days after or before. And wooden box, no bolts. I'm going back to the earth. I also want to be buried at my farm.

That's a vibe. Yeah. I want to be buried on a king bed. This bed. I have to mentally prepare myself for this. I would say maybe I'll outlive you, but based off of the choices I make, no, I definitely won't. I hope. I don't... Yeah, I hope you do. I hope I'm the first to go. I don't want to go to my friends' funerals. That's so sad. Why are we talking about this? Oh my god! This episode took such a fucking bleak twist, and that's like literally after...

An abusive relationship and also like an insane incest. These are the conversations people have with their friends. I know, but like it just, it's the fact that it's on a recorded line. I think that's stressing me out. It's fine. I'm like, wow, this is my bad. I'll shift your gear here. We do have an update. Oh my God, they broke up.

We'll see. I haven't read it. Oh. I don't know. Oh, sorry. I'm so excited and so invested. Okay. I know everyone says this, but wow, I did not expect this to blow up. I'm trying to read everything and respond, but it's a bit overwhelming. So I want to say thank you to those who gave advice and expressed their concerns. I also want to thank everyone who offered DV help resources, especially the book, Why Does He Do That? It's been eye-opening.

He and I talked about what happened. He said he was really angry about something that happened at work and was expecting sex when I got home, so he was disappointed that I immediately got ready for bed. I'm honestly more upset to learn that he was taking his anger and frustration out about something completely unrelated out on me, but I figured I should update y'all with his response. Also, he said he wasn't mad about the man hitting on me, but that I lied to the guy instead of just saying I wasn't interested. I told him my friend and I were on a date.

As for moving forward, the friend I mentioned above has offered to help me make an exit strategy. I've been going back and forth on this for months now, but I think I can no longer deny that I need to get out. Period. It's going to take a bit of time while we look for a place and save up, but in that time, I'm going to use the resources that everyone here has given me to ensure my safety. Oh my god.

Lastly, a few people have mentioned the post I made in an Am I Overreacting last year and asked what happened there. And it honestly was kind of crazy. We had a huge fight about this girl and he did end up putting more distance between them. After that, she started chasing after his brother and she's still engaged with no plans of breaking it off. He finally admitted that it's possible she was subtly flirting with him and when she realized he was never going to date her, she started to chase after his brother instead. That, in my opinion, is more disgusting and grimy than a stained tank top.

gag them. The end. Period. Good for her. That is like such a happy ending. Happy, happy. I mean, like, I guess she's not out yet, but like, I love making her plan. I love the planning, making her plans for anyone out there. I've plugged this quiz a few different times, but for anyone out there in a relationship and like, you just want to know if your relationship is in a good, healthy spot. There is a website called love is respect.org. And they have a quiz on there that,

To determine if your relationship is healthy or not. If you feel that like you don't want your partner to find this quiz, if you take it, the website has safety measures built into it. So if you hit escape twice, it'll immediately go to Google. And if you press back, it just goes to Google. Like it doesn't show up on browser history. Like it is, it has safety features built in. Wait, that? Oh my God, that's epic. Yeah. So if you...

feel that like your alarm bells might be ringing or like hey anyone that's in a relationship you want to just ensure you are in a good healthy spot because we all can go like a little brain blind but also if your bells aren't ringing but you hear some of these stories and you're like wait that sounds familiar yeah i want to check yeah i think it's better to be safe than sorry and like

Answer honestly, because only person you're doing a disservice to by lying is you. Exactly. Like. Exactly. So take the quiz, everyone. And take charge of your life. Woo! Woo! But seriously. Okay. Moving on to the next one here. Oh, my God. I know. You're doing great. Thank you. You're doing great, sweetie. I can't wait for therapy next week. You'll have a lot to write home about. Oh, the postcard's being written now.

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All these and more now totally streaming with Hulu on Disney+. Bundle subscription required. 18+. Select Hulu content on Disney+. Additional content on Hulu app. Terms apply. Tune in, bitch. Have I not been tuned in? Sorry that I needed a little bit of shut eye that was open. Okay. Goddamn. Okay, this next one. I'm tuned in, bitch. I have not read it.

Okay, it was also one that was recommended from our Patreon family that they wanted to see you respond to. Are these the same bitches who recommended the stepmom and cousin? Mm-hmm. Cool. Yeah. Just checking. So this is coming from r slash relationship advice, six months old, titled, My 35 female husband's 34 male dedication to Freemasonry is destroying our marriage and his life. How do I get this across to him?

What? Freemasonry. No, I mean, like, I know, like, the general gist of it. Okay. But, like, huh? Wow, that was a sentence I've never heard in my life before. I know. For those that don't know what Freemasonry is, it's a fraternal organization for men who share a belief in supreme being and a desire to improve themselves and expand their social circles. Oh, my God. Just give your homie a handy J like a normal person and move on.

Hi there, long-time reader, first-time poster. The long and short is that for about six years now, my husband has been a Freemason, and I've always supported him on this. My grandfather was a Freemason, so it's not really new to me or anything, and I don't believe in any of the conspiracy crap you find online, but I'm starting to think it may not be the best for him. My grandpa always used to say it went family, work, masonry, but

But in my husband's case, it's more masonry, masonry, masonry, then family, then work, then masonry again. He attends lodge nearly every night. For context, my grandpa would go a couple times a month. And yet, he's only a fellow craft, so not a part of the add-on things like the Scottish Rite or Shriners or anything like that.

Not the improv theater.

Sometimes he's gone for hours, other times an hour or even less. When I ask him what he's doing, he gets defensive and says he can't tell me because he has to maintain the secrecy. Oh, he's having an affair, babe. I knew full well there'd be some lessons and ceremonies I wouldn't exactly be getting a front row seat for, but I don't think it's that unfair that I ask what he could be possibly doing that occupies him practically daily.

Hell, some days when he comes back early, he goes to his man cave to do more work for them. Apparently, he's volunteered to do admin work for his grand lodge, but like, when does it end? He doesn't get paid for any of this, and he spends so much on dues to actually do this.

It's giving Scientology. I've even tried to get involved via the OES, something I've always wanted to be a part of, but he point blank shut it down and said that we can only look into that when he becomes a master mason, which is apparently still years away.

And it's not even just our marriage that's affecting. Some weeks he's out so late with his lodge buddies, he doesn't take care of himself. There's been times he hasn't worn clean clothes or shaved, and plenty of times he's gone into work without showering.

Sometimes he doesn't even go into work and just calls in hours late to say he's been called for urgent lodge business. His boss is too good to him and lets it slide because he's genuinely blown away my husband's in the Masons and thinks these meetings must be dead important. Like, I get a lot of these guys are going to be retired, but Jesus Christ, surely they have to know how it works.

It's making a bad impression with people, and I genuinely can't remember the last time we did a thing together as a couple. Plus, our bedroom has been dead for at least a year, which I've sort of put up with because I have a low libido, but I guess it's just another symptom. Every time I ask him to do anything, he just tells me he's too tired.

I guess, how do I get it across to him that his Masonic life needs to slow down? It's not even affecting just me. It's affecting our whole life, but I don't even know where to begin. I don't want him to leave the Masons. Just maybe calm it down a little so we can have our lives back. How can I get this across to him without seeming that I'm jealous of the secrets or I want to worsen the wedge between us? By the way, I did actually email the WM of

I mean, did I just move because there is a lot to unpack? Um, oh Jesus. One, if there's already a wedge between you guys, I don't think that that wedge is going to get resolved anytime soon. Two, put a tracker on him.

I want to see where this motherfucker's actually going. Because something tells me it's not to the lodge. It's not to the quarry. It's not to whatever these fucking people do. No disrespect if you're in the Mason. Shout out, Mason. My grandpa was. My grandpa was a Mason. My dad, Jerry's dad. A slay. And...

Like, there was none of this energy. Yeah. From what I know. This is giving, like, cult vibes. Yeah. And it's also kind of giving having an affair vibes. It's like the perfect... It is the perfect cover for having an affair. It really is. There's so many secrets, babe, you can't know. Oh, secrets. I have really changed my tune somewhat recently, where I used to be...

I was definitely against hidden cameras and I still am, right? Like you shouldn't have hidden cameras in intimate places like recording people. But I used to be like, I think I'd have to go back and watch the last 200 episodes. But I feel like I used to be more like, no, if you hire a private investigator, you're already doomed, which...

I do agree with that. Yeah. But I think this is one of those where you need to hire a PI. You need to put some tabs on him. You need to put an air tag under the hood of his car. Like, he's not being honest. He's preventing you from joining or gaining information about this organization for even his own safety. You need to know what he's doing. But also for them not to respond, is it because he's not a member?

If they're not responding, maybe it's because he's not in their system. Because he's a grimy little man having an affair. Like a little bitch. Top comment on this one. High cost of dues. Gone every night. Disheveled. Unshowered. Missing work.

Gag. 100%. Okay.

Okay, thank you. I'm so glad someone else is on the PI train. Oh my God, I'm so on the PI train. I always forget that's a thing. I'm always like a big DIYer. I'm like, I'll do it myself. I want to have a reason in my life, not Justin related because I mentally can't handle that. But I really want to know what it's like to hire a PI. I want to be the PI. See, maybe that's what I want to do. Do we have a show on our hands? We go and personally investigate people on Reddit? Yeah. People! Oh my God. Write the pitch. The Reddit people don't want...

to like have their shit out there but I will but they can be anonymous we'll blur their face and change your name and your voice and everything about you between the two of us we have enough people that would love to let us be their PI exactly okay this

This is good. Catfish is quaking right now. Catfish, Nev Schoolman, you're quaked. This is good. This is good. No, like I'm actually dead serious about this. I would 100% do it. Like my heart rate is through the roof right now. I'm so passionate. I need to get my gun license first though just in case things go south. Me too. I want to get a chocolate brown and black little pistol. So cunty. Oh my God, that's so cute. So cunty. I love the two-tone. Yeah, right? Or like a matte chrome, like a matte silver. See, I'm a brass girl. Ooh.

Like antique brass or like fresh brass? Brushed. Brushed antique. Yeah. Not chrome. Brushed. God, I was never supposed to ever talk about having a gun. And here we are. I think. I think I need a gun. Everyone has the right to bear arms. Now more than ever. It's about the only right we have. So we do get an edit. Oh my God. WM just emailed me.

apologized for taking his time, and explained my husband has not been a member of that lodge for at least five years. C-c-c-called it.

Having left just under a year after he joined, apparently he had difficulties with the leadership and had been repeatedly cautioned for soliciting the other lodge members. He told me he checked with other lodges in the area and none of them have any record of him switching. So it seems he demitted entirely. What the fuck has he been doing for the last five years? Oh, I'm sweating.

I'm sweating. I'm stressed. Like... He's cheating. I mean, girl, I don't think we're stopping at cheating. He's in a cult. There's just something's bad. Something's bad. Do we find out? Do you know? We do. You're quiet. We have an update? Because you're the first to say there's no update. Okay. Wait, hold on. Let's put in our guesses, girls. Okay. I think he's...

The gambling thing was like tea. That was tea. That was, my brain didn't go there. I always go affair first because it's easier. It's just like gambling, like having an affair is a gamble. Well, disheveled too. Like usually if you're having an affair and you're sleeping with other people, you want to be clean or you shower after sex. So there is something to be said about the gambling thing. But the fact that the guy was like, he was getting in trouble for soliciting other members gives he's in another cult.

That's kind of like I was thinking like drug abuse, cult gambling, maybe a fair, maybe a fair. Maybe this other cult has gambling and maybe it's a sex cult. I guess we'll find out. A gambling sex cult. No offense. I kind of want to join. That sounds fun to each their own. Right. Like you're just like, well, you could have sex while at a slot machine. That's kind of the best.

Right? You're just like, wow, yeah. Oh my God, double win! Like, I don't know. It doesn't seem like the worst thing a person could go through. Are there other people or is this a private slot within a room? I don't know why it has to be mutually exclusive. Maybe there's other people. Okay. I mean, maybe cut the cameras. I'm like, okay, actually, I'm the husband in this story. What's the update? So for the update,

Well, I apologize to the craft because masonry has nothing to do with my husband's antics. In my update to the Post, I mentioned I'd spoken to the current worshipful master, basically the lodge's chair, and he informed me my husband had demitted from that lodge years ago and never joined any others.

He did suggest it could be a Cladenstein Lodge, and in a way, I hoped that would be the case. What the fuck is a Cladenstein Lodge? I don't know. We need some masons to chime in. But I think we both knew that it was highly unlikely.

He also ended up putting me through to a past master who was a senior warden of the lodge around the time my husband quit, and apparently it was a jumped-before-he-was-pushed situation. I did mention that my husband was in trouble for soliciting his brothers, but the WM couldn't tell me anymore. The PM vaguely remembered it, and while it seems no one exactly was sure what he was soliciting them about, it was described as invasive and strange behavior."

Me and the PM, David, might as well use names, had a good long chat before he offered to join me in discussing this with my husband, Kevin, with the hopes being we could get through to him and steer him off whatever course he was on. Sadly, I don't have good news. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. I hope it's just that they got divorced. I'm literally so stressed I'm going to pee my pants. Ooh.

David came around on Monday and we talked a lot beforehand. David's the Mason guy. Sure is. Mason president. Okay. Kevin was out, of course. Most of our chat was just him being generally supportive. But he did start asking questions that were definitely leading into Cladenstein law drought, though he dropped that as a theory when it was the lack of self-care being evident.

Midway through our conversation, Kevin comes home. And when he comes in, I say there's somebody I'd like him to meet. And he just deflects by saying he's tired from Lodge and we'll have to do it tomorrow.

She's like, oh, you're tired from lodge, huh? Well, I brought the lodge home. God, I love women. David introduces himself anyways, explicitly as a PM. Kevin ignores him, but then goes through to the kitchen, pours himself a glass of milk and starts scrolling through his phone at the kitchen table. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What?

I'm sorry, he poured himself a glass of milk? Out of all the beverages, right? We went through and sat down at the table too. So without a word, he got up and went to the living room. So we followed him there. Where David said, we know that he's not attending lodge because he was a senior warden when my husband left. Kevin does this weird laugh and says, so it's a crime to move lodges then? David says, no, the lodge in the area took him on.

And Kevin goes a little bit red before saying that's because he switched to PHA and then sort of insinuates David is racist for taking issue with that. What's PHA? I do not know. Okay, got it. There was no introduction of the acronym Prince Hall Freemasonry. It's a branch founded and created for African Americans. Oh, okay. So is the husband black? Yeah.

No mention yet about race. Okay. David says he spoke to all the PHA lodges in the area too, and he's good friends with a lot of their members. So he knows he's lying again. Kevin just says, look, he's tired. He's not doing this. But I told him we know something's up. And well, the majority of you thought it was drugs. So I just said, look, is it drugs? He said no, but finally admitted, yes, there was something up.

and asked if he could show us something. Just needed to go to his car. Oh, no. David said, that's fine. We'll come with him. Yeah, okay, good. Do not let him go to his car alone.

You guys. Oh my God, what? Well, I guess in Kevin's defense, he did need to go to his car. In the trunk, he got out this black sports bag and I don't know what I was expecting, but I don't think anything could have prepared me for what he showed us that was inside. Oh my God, what the fuck is in the black bag? When we got back into the house, he got out this near lifelike latex horse mask and other leather and latex fetish gear.

I am never going to be able to listen to Pink Pony Club the same.

Oh, my God. I won't really go into full details, but long and short, he's clearly dealing with homosexual feelings and submissive desires for a long time, even though he's still in denial about both of them and is adamant that he's not bi or gay. He's 100% straight. Obviously, he's at least and most probably bi, but he wouldn't hear it.

Anyways, he explained when he was really struggling with these feelings, the urge as he calls it, that's when he joined Freemasonry because he hoped it would prove a distraction, help improve, etc. And then sort of implied being around old men would put him off guys.

I could tell David was a bit offended, but he didn't say anything. It's like, what? You don't think I'm fuckable? But yeah, apparently this is what the soliciting was about. Obviously, joining the Masons didn't make these feelings go away. And he said he initially started trying to see if any of them felt those feelings too, but no one would bite. Apparently, midway through, he discovered the Pony Play rabbit hole on a BDSM website and was utterly hooked.

That's when the soliciting went from, hey, I'm having these feelings towards guys. This is totally normal, right, brother? To, hey, are you looking to buy a pony, brother? He claimed he didn't leave because he was being disciplined, but because of how goddamn prudish everyone was. Yeah, apparently he was already deep into the hole. And while he'd be attending Lodge a couple of times a month legitimately, the other times were him doing BDSM stuff. Oh my God, and he's still saying that he's 100% straight?

Apparently he began with escorts, but eventually he graduated to pro-doms because too many of them found it weird or weren't into it enough. There's one main one he goes to the most called Mistress Candy, but when she's busy, he'll go to other ones. And if that's not an option, he'll go find a cheap hotel to self-care or do it with an online mistress.

There's a lot of them, apparently, and that's when he got into fin-doms, where the whole thing is he gives out money for nothing in return. I don't really know how to describe how I felt when this all came out. The shock, the betrayal, the rage, the upset, the hurt. I suppose I feel quite numb now, but none of it could have prepared me for what he did next.

What the fuck did he do next? Put on a saddle and join the rodeo? I mean, what the fuck is this? What is this? No kink shaming vibes, but like, I mean, he has a fucking latex horse mask. I'm not going to say I'm shaming, but an eyebrow is raised at least. And that's quite impressive considering my forehead is frozen.

It's frozen. One, two, and three. Wow. I'm just noticing. You have a little raise, though. No, I made sure that I could still do that. David said, so you've been having an affair and then using the craft as cover? Kevin got very angry and said he's not been having an affair.

This sparked an argument. Again, won't go into details. Where Kevin's excuse was that at no point was he in control during this because Mistress Candy made use of hypnosis to control him. And sometimes the urge was so powerful it would M-shift him into Sparkles, his pony persona, involuntarily. His fucking drag name is Sparkles? Yeah.

Please. For such a horse guy, it's crazy that his relationship is unstable. This is nuts. I don't know what to do with Pony Man. Horse boy. He didn't use this as an example, but I guess it's kind of like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde situation. I'm too young for that reference.

Oh, maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm just fucking stupid. Again, no remorse or contrition. And he said we can still fix this with couples therapy because I wasn't satisfying his needs. How did he come to that conclusion? Well, I never independently suggested pony play and I didn't give him an avenue to open up about it. This is somehow my fault. I won't go into the argument that followed, but it ended with me packing a bag and David taking me to my parents' place. I've told Kevin I'll be seeking a divorce.

Something which he's also in denial about because the marriage is dead. He seems to be in denial about a lot of things. Clearly, he values his time playing dress up as a horse more than he does me as a person. So I might as well let him focus on that.

"'I'm staying with my parents right now "'and taking some time off of work "'until I can clear my head. "'Can't sleep, so I figured I might as well "'try to get this out of my system. "'It has helped, honestly. "'I'm also currently no contact with Kevin, "'and it'll be staying that way "'until I can serve him papers. "'Who knows what the future holds there, "'but he won't be in it. "'Though if you wanted some good news, "'I am finally joining the OES. "'David explained to me that I can join via my grandfather, "'so I'm going to a meeting with the secretary next week.'

Thank you for being on this wild ride and helping me see reason. I guess I would probably have gotten here anyways when the WM messaged me, but it was nice to know I had people out there on here and especially those who talked through it with me in my DMs. You guys know who you are and you were awesome. Otherwise, have a great day and peace out. I'm so happy this movie ended with her riding the horse into the sunset.

I'm sorry, I couldn't not. Not the horse that is Kevin. I have to say, like, okay, if that happened to you, say that you're the OP in this. You go and stay with your parents and you're saying, hey, my marriage isn't working out. I need to stay with you. Are you telling them it's because he dresses up as a pony? Yeah. You are? 100%. Oh, I don't think I could just start right at the gate with that. No pun intended. Do you want to see what some of these masks look like? I absolutely would love to see. And oh my God.

I'm like, wait, why do I kind of get it? Just kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I mean, that's a lot sexier than I thought it was going to be. If I'm going to be honest, I was thinking picturing like a BoJack Horseman head. This is like Ariana Grande dangerous woman. If it wasn't a bunny, it's a horse. You know, like it's still kind of like the latex black of it all is like hot. Okay. But like at the end of the day, it does look like an animal and I don't want to think about

An animal while I'm having sex. Yeah. Just personally. Bestiality. Not to kink shame, but... I don't like that you can see the eyes. No, I've gotten an image. The human eyes, like, so clearly. Yep, yep. Through the mask. No, I've seen them. I got the gist. Some of them have bits, horse bits that go into the mouth so that you can pull on the reins as you're riding. I mean, okay. From, like, sometimes, like...

hot sex like I'm like that's kind of I can get into like the someone pulling from behind like yeah no like but where I don't need to be wearing a horse mask yeah also aren't you sweating balls in that I would I would definitely feel claustrophobic so to to give my audio listeners a little bit of a view

It has a full horse face. Like it's a, you pull it on and it's a full horse face. I, on this one. No, I'm telling you, picture the Dangerous Woman album cover of Ariana Grande. But with a horse mouth. But with a horse, like a black latex horse. And you just see eyes. And there's horse ears on top. Yes, obviously not rabbit ears. I'm not seeing a mouth hole. Like, granted, this is not, you know, maybe an egg roll. At least you gotta get out of whirl.

You're like I actually can't suck that right now I am a horse So yay Yeah and horses like Don't throw up That's a fun horse fact Okay that was not the time After all of this I didn't need to know That horses don't have a gag reflex Like I didn't need that I've already learned so much more about horses than They can't throw up That's why it's really bad for them to colic AKA get a tummy ache They can die

Oh, wow, that, oh my God. Yeah. What just happened in the last 20 minutes? I don't know. The top comment on the update. Um, so I did think of fair after your first post. Can't say I saw sparkles, the pony coming though. Oh,

Sparkles is a crazy name, by the way. As hurtful as this is, OP, divorce is much better for you. When you are finally broken clear of him, please ensure that you block him fully as watching him destroy himself is going to be ugly. They quote what OP, that person, said. Can't say I saw Sparkles the pony coming. No, but Mistress Candy certainly did. I was gonna say Mistress Candy saw Sparkles come every time. Ooh.

Wow. That was rough. Talk about horseplay. That was really, really rough. We need something to end this. No, I think we can end it. Okay, well, we technically do have one more story. It will be going over to Patreon as our free story. Okay. I've promised...

reading the jolly rancher story again for a lot of you so we are going to get into the jolly rancher story okay only because only because i am like 99.9 sure that i am accurate on what happens in this yeah you definitely i feel like a lysol wipe right yeah yeah i think it'll be interesting it'll be interesting to see what you think of it okay for sure

But is it putting a Jolly Rancher in their pussy to make it taste better? We're going to get there. It is. It literally is. We're going to get there. It just fucking is. God, I could write this show. I mean, no, I couldn't because what the fuck? Okay. But before we move over to Patreon, we are going to end this with a little bit of a palate cleanser because God knows we need it. Okay.

So this is coming from True Off My Chest, posted eight hours ago, titled, I secretly learned sign language from my brother, but I pretend I don't know it. When I was 15, my younger brother, he was 10 at the time, started losing his hearing rapidly due to a genetic condition we didn't know ran in our family. Watching his world get quieter while the rest of us fumbled through half-hearted attempts to learn sign language broke my heart.

Our parents were overwhelmed and tried, but they never really committed to learning ASL beyond the basics. I could see how isolated he was becoming. So I started secretly learning in my room at night. I would watch videos, practice in front of the mirror, and follow along with deaf creators. Oh my god, this is so cute. For nearly a year, I said nothing. I just wanted to be ready.

Oh my god.

Now I communicate with him fluently, but I always pretend I'm not that good. I don't know why. Maybe I'm afraid if I show how much effort I put in, it'll seem like I'm trying to make it about me, but it's not. It never was. I just wanted him to know someone cared enough to meet him where he was. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

Oh my God. It's a good way to end this horrendous train wreck of an episode. Oh my God. That's so cute. It was really, really sweet.

Oh my God. I know. I'm like, I didn't know the show could get to this. It does have moments of, I just thought it was like nonstop trauma. No, no, we have really, really, that is beautiful. It's so beautiful. I'm holding both of my breasts, which I now learned can lactate if I take prolactin or something. Yeah. Really beautiful story. I, um, I'm going to try to palate cleanse us after.

Every episode. Only to go into the Patreon episode with the Jolly Rancher now? Yeah. So now we're getting into the Jolly Rancher. So it will be free on Patreon. Head over there. Check it out if you're risky. But Chris, thank you so much for coming on. Where can everyone find you? Where can they listen to your new show? You can listen to it. You can just Google Chris vs. the People.

You can find me. I just tell everyone to Google Chris Clemons because it's like, I'm not going to go through like Instagram at Chris Clemons, TikTok at Chris Clemons, YouTube at Chris Clemons. He's that iconic. No, I think it's just like the world we live in now. It's like you can Google anybody. But yeah, listen to my podcast. It's so fun. You never know what you're going to get.

It somehow still hasn't prepared me to be on Too Hot Take, so. Shocking. No, it is shocking. Because I've listened to some of the stories you get. No, and they are shocking. I'm ready for my shot. I'm ready for my shot. No, I can't wait to have you on. Oh, I cannot wait to have you on. It's going to be good. You have to be my first guest. I would be honored. Oh, my God. Wait.

Yeah, we've got to figure this out. It'll be good. All of Chris's links will be in the description for the episode. Check it out. I'll be on an episode coming soon because I'm putting my foot in it. And other than that, head over to Patreon. Until next time, guys. Bye.