23: Today They F'ed Up
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Do you live with a rare form of generalized myasthenia gravis, like seronegative MG? Learn more about the ADAPT Serin Clinical Trial at adaptseron.com. I'm trying to give you only funny stories. All right. Because funny, kind of lighthearted, because like Smokey the Bear, I don't want no smoke. So we're trying to keep it light and happy today, because your laugh is just...

And my initials are JK, so just got to keep it funny that way. Born that way, born funny. I think I got them all. All right. I think I got them ready for you. No idea what today's theme is going to be. We're just going with it. It's all over the place. We're doing it. All over the place, but it's going to be funny, hopefully. All right. Going to get some chuckles out of you. Good. For those joining today, hi, I'm your host, Morgan, and my guest host is... Josh. Josh.

Josh is one of my best friends from Minnesota. God, we've been friends for how many years now? Probably like, I feel like six or seven maybe. Or maybe even more. I'm not sure. Yeah, well, we met in like 2014. 14 or 15, yeah. Which 14 would be...

Seven. Somewhere in there. Around there. Math again, you guys. You know I'm not good with the math. It's been a minute since we've been friends, and Josh is truly one of the best friends I've had. Every time I had to move in Minneapolis, he was there with his little car, driving me back and forth, packing, doing everything. So yeah, you're one of the good ones. Yeah, I feel like we've both done lots of moves there.

So many moves. You just moved from Minnesota to Florida. Florida, yeah. Wisconsin guy, though, originally. Yep, so Midwest guy, then I actually lived in Seattle for like half a year, and then back to Minneapolis, and now Florida boy. Yeah, unfortunately for a lot of us, he's a Packers fan. I know. It's just hard. Cheesehead. It's good. Like, it's hard to be on the winning side, though, you know what I mean? Oh, shush. You're going to lose Rodgers, and we'll see how it feels to...

No, I'm just kidding. The Vikings don't suck. We just... You just never win. You don't have to go there. We definitely win. I think we beat you guys last year. Yeah. You win the game, but not the whole thing. That's what I mean, I guess, by that. It's more like a... We don't go all the way. It's a lot of false hope. We don't go all the way. Okay. Well, let's get into it. All right. All right.

Hey there, it's Ryan Seacrest for Safeway. Take care of yourself this summer and save on all your personal care favorites. Now, through August 27th, save up to $3 or more when you purchase participating personal care items like Pampers Wipes, Gillette Razors, Metamucil, Crest Toothpaste, Secret Body Spray, and a Swiffer Power Mop. The more you buy, the more you save.

Catch these deals before they're gone. Offer ends August 27th. Restrictions apply. Promotions may vary. Visit Safeway.com for more details. Are you nervous? It's the first podcast, so. First one ever? Well, here we go. Glad this is my first one, that's for sure. Yeah, you couldn't have a better host, right? No.

Okay, well, am I the asshole for calling my classmate dumb after she saved a goldfish by releasing it into the ocean? My classmate recently made a TikTok and she showed a group of people at lunchtime it. They were next to our table, so I overheard the girl say, hey, look at my TikTok I made, come check it out. And in it, she explains how she rescued goldfish from the pet store and released them into the ocean so they can live free.

I was horrified upon hearing this. I love fish and have several aquariums, so I'm fairly knowledgeable on them. I walk over and ask her to show me the video, and I face palmed. She asked me why, and I said, you realize you're actually a dumbass, right? This is one of the dumbest things I've ever seen. Her friends say, well, that's just rude. Why did you say that? Because she cares.

to which I had to explain that goldfish are freshwater fish. They can't survive the ocean because it's saltwater, so all of these goldfish were dead in minutes. They basically choked to death as salt filled their gills. Lastly, you never release animals into the wild. There are goldfish that are destroying our rivers and lakes because of dumbasses like her.

I think, well, yes and no. I think, first off...

fish as a child. You had fish? Never as cool of a pet as you think they are. No, I had to flush a lot of them. Well, we had like a 60 gallon tank, so I feel like there was like 30 fish in there. Cleaning, not fun. It's like, it's fun for like 15 minutes and then you don't really want the fish. So maybe to the girls setting them free, it's better because they're just going to die in the little store tank anyways. But it

Yeah, I saw something recently where like PetSmart or some like pet store was throwing animals away. Like I would see people rescuing birds and fish out of the dumpsters behind PetSmart. Birds I would let free for sure. Like that is the ultimate worst pet. I would let the bird free into the wild. No.

No, you can't. They're just going to get attacked and die. Yeah, but they don't do anything, I feel like. You're not a bird person, though. But give it to someone who's going to love and appreciate the bird and keep it safe and happy and healthy. That's true. I think my initial first-verse reaction to this story is very similar. There was this girl in my middle school. I won't say her name. Not going to roast her. But she, similar where, I don't know if it was...

a letting it free sort of thing but hand to god she put the cat in the microwave no and turned it on no and was not not the pet anymore then that might that was also that's where I feel this person's pain for calling him stupid because that's like one of the dumbest things I've ever heard or like heard of someone doing

What the hell was she thinking? I don't know. And I feel like seventh grade, you kind of should know. You know, maybe a little. I don't know. Yeah. That is so, so sad.

Damn. I think you do have to call people out. That's supposed to be a funny episode. You do have to call people out for being dumb with their animals, though, to a degree, too. You got to protect future animals. And what if she blew up on TikTok and then was like, wait, I'm going to do it again? Yeah. So yeah, she's got to know. Or somebody's just got to tell her that she needs to buy Nemo at the pet store and then let it in the ocean because that one would be fine.

We're going to have some fish people come for us. Maybe there's some fish experts out there. Would that scenario work? Could you release a saltwater fish into the ocean? Or are they still doomed due to being bred for fish store fish? And where do the fish store fish...

Where do the fish stores get the fish? That's also something I don't know. I would like to know that too. Let's do some research. Just bagging up bunches of fish. Yeah. The microwave story though just reminded me of a thread I saw on Twitter about people posting. They're like, it was a big thread too, like absolutely blew up. And people were like, what's the weirdest way your pet hamster died? And someone did do the microwave with the hamster too. Kids just shouldn't have microwaves. It's just...

No, they shouldn't. You can do a lot of damage with a microwave. Tin foil, CDs, you ever put any of that in the microwave? No, did you? Yeah, sparks, it looks super cool. It's probably not safe. If anyone out there is listening, do not put metal in the microwave. Don't do it. You got to get a picture of it if you do. That's all I'll say. No. Oh, my gosh. Okay, moving right along. All right. You're going to be a bad influence. I can already tell. Yeah.

Today I fucked up by accidentally flashing my enormous milk-producing breasts to a teenage Target employee. Oh, my gosh. Okay. I may have accidentally committed a felony today by inadvertently exposing myself to a teenage boy.

I recently had a baby, and in an effort to maximize time, I often pump for breast milk while I'm driving. Earlier today, I had to pick up a Target drive-up order just as I was finishing my pumping session. I pulled into the parking spot and clicked the I'm here button in the app, figuring I'd have a few minutes to get pumping wrapped up and put away.

I shouldn't have underestimated Target's customer service. Within 20 seconds, a pubescent teen boy was staring at me through the driver's seat window, merely inches from my milk-splattered, grotesque, postpartum breasts, which could probably more accurately be described as bazoongas. Oh, my God. This lady's writing is killing me.

His face told an epic story only a seasoned author could conjure. One, confusion. Two, skeptical confusion as he stared directly at my nibbles, being sucked into a transparent flanges like a profane cow. Three, horror. Four, massive embarrassment. I have a feeling he will be conjuring this story to a therapist someday.

Oh my God, what would you do? I think initially there needs to just all new mothers need a public service announcement that people aren't used to them whipping out their boobs. I will say that because I have a lot of friends who have babies and a couple of these girls are just like,

They whip their tits out. And nobody's like ready for that. And you like know, I feel like I know them really, really well. And now they've obviously like pooped out a child. They're married. They don't, they're not going to like hook up with me or anything anyway. So they don't care. But I'm just, it's just like, you're not expecting it. I feel like either. Yeah. And I'm like, I fully believe like you should be able to breastfeed anywhere, but I'm a big fan. Like I think some people are more comfortable with their bodies than others. Like I'm, I'm definitely not like I,

I don't know. I just can't imagine just having my boob just openly exposed in a restaurant. Like I, I can't get past that, but I'm very happy for people that can. But yeah, I think it's definitely like everyone should be able to breastfeed wherever they want. But like, maybe just like if you're in a group of people, like in an intimate setting, maybe like ask if they're okay. And if not, like find a cozy spot. But when I was a server at Perkins, I think I was

I was like 15, maybe 16 by this time. And I was serving this lady and her and her husband came in with their little baby. And as I'm walking up to the table to take their order, like we're like mid conversation already. I'm asking them what they want. Okay. How do you want your pancakes? Do you want hash browns or, you know, potatoes, like whatever. And I'm like,

She just drops like half of her shirt and is just sitting there like looking at me as I'm like taking her order with her boobs sitting out. And then like mid like talking, tell me what she wants, grabs her baby and like puts it on the latch. And I, you know, at 16, you're just kind of like, do you want muffin, pancakes or toast? Like I had no idea what to do. No idea what to do. So I...

I can imagine this boy was probably just expecting to run out to the car, drop the bags off, not expecting to get a load of boob in that day. Well, is it like a thing where the mother has to do it or can they wait? Do you know what I mean? I guess I don't know the biology behind it. Do they feel like they're going to explode or something if the baby isn't? Yeah, if you haven't pumped or breastfed for a while and you do constantly breastfeed, it becomes painful. Your boob can become engorged with milk.

Okay, so then it is like a dire. Yeah, it can be. There's a thing like that too. I used to work with this girl and we went, we had like a big trip in Vegas. We used to like...

shows out there to sell the product, that sort of thing. The trade shows. Yeah, like a trade show type thing. And this girl had just had a baby a couple weeks before and this is the first time I learned the term pump and dump. So what she would have to do is go back to the room and

pump her mouth, dump it in the tub and then like, cause she wanted to party. So then she would just dump it. But I was like, what did you say? And she's like, I've got to go upstairs and pump and dump quick. And then I just started saying that all the time cause I thought that was hilarious. And she was somewhat embarrassed by it, but I don't know. Oh my gosh. Yeah. There's a lot of new research with like

drinking and your breast milk and stuff like that. But I did see something recently that if you do pump and dump, you can actually keep your breast milk still, put it in a freezer, clearly marked just in case like the new research says, like you can still feed it to your baby. But like, I don't know about that. But this article said like save the dump milk because if your baby like ever has rashes or diaper rash or anything like that, you can give them a little milk bath with your breast milk and it like clears it right up.

Some people even claim it clears up eczema. So, fun fact there. So the top comment on this one, I had a breastfeeding mother spray me in the face with breast milk while I was sitting on the bus in Costa Rica. She was outside nursing and didn't put her breast all the way away while she boarded, and it hit the seat in front of me and sprayed me. The guy next to me laughed his ass off and said, Leche, I was trying to get my pack of tissues out and trying not to get it in my mouth.

Just a loose udder on the bus. Oh, my God. Okay. I don't think you should ever call a woman depressed an udder. I just think there needs to be a lot more awareness of what can happen. Because if that happened to me on the bus, I'd be like, what is going on?

I just would just wash my, like I'd just wipe my face and like move forward. As the woman or the person who got sprayed? Both. As the sprayer. Sprayer and the sprayee. As the sprayer, I would be very like distraught that I did that to someone. But yeah, as the one that got sprayed, I think I would just like pretend it didn't happen and like just try to wipe it and like move forward. Yeah, that's like top awkward thing.

you can put yourself in. Yeah, and you don't want to make her feel bad. Like, she's, like, probably struggling to get on the bus with a baby and all her shit. So it's like, oh my God, no, I just... No. But I think that is it, too. Like, the more... Also, I feel like the more children you have and the more you get used to it, the more they care even less or they're even more...

Less embarrassed or more open to it. You know what I mean? I think that comes into play as well. Yeah. Because like that girl on the trip was already like seven kids deep. So she obviously, I don't know, didn't care about anything. True. The next comment on this that I think is really funny. This reminds me of when I was at a party with a bunch of friends. Three people and myself were playing Mario Kart and GameCube. I hear everyone else getting a bit louder and louder. I turn my head and see the girl who's hosting with her tit in both hands.

She then answered the question if a formally pierced nipple shot milk in all three directions. The answer was yes. See, I've always thought that, but now it has confirmed. That was a thought that you had? Yeah, all the time. What? Because I feel like I know a lot of the girls I used to work with pierce their nipples, and I'm like, you know what's going to happen when you have a baby? It's just going to be like a sprinkler in there that just confirmed it. Yeah, that's really interesting. I wonder how long it takes to close up and if...

Because, like, I've had my belly button piercing out for easily eight years now. And it's still, like, I can still put, like, a little earring back through it. Yeah. Well, that's how I used to have my ears pierced and I can still put it through, I think. And I haven't had my ears pierced for, like, six years. Yeah. So I wonder how long it takes a nipple to close up because that's, like, some – it's thicker tissue. I'm going to have to ask some friends. I have friends. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm not going to get my nipples pierced anytime soon, so it's a hard pass for me. You will never personally be able to answer my question for me. Okay, on to the next. This next one might fuck you up. Okay, I'm nervous a little bit. Yeah, it might give you nightmares. Today I fucked up by showing my mom a drawing of my sleep paralysis visitor.

I get sleep paralysis. I have for the past few years off and on. Usually every couple of months, I'll get a sleep paralysis dream. I've talked to my parents about it before. The fuck up is not that they know. Also, a new fear fucking unlocked right now. Sleep paralysis sounds so fucking scary. So scary. The fuck up is that I decided to try drawing what I saw over my bed last night and then sent a picture to my mom.

Now, my parents are hella Catholic, like homeschooled for six years and went to church every day Catholic. Like when things go bad in life, my dad wholeheartedly believes it's the devil actively attacking us so we lose our faith, which explains their reaction when I showed them this picture. And I'll post it if you watch on YouTube. Maybe I'll put it in like Instagram so you guys can see it.

cue the panicked phone call from my parents who now believe the devil visits me in my sleep i spent 30 minutes on the phone with them trying to find a bible or rosary so my mom could sleep without worrying my soul would be stolen they want me to talk to a priest and get my house blessed and use holy water every time i enter the next time i visit them i may end up in an impromptu exorcism wish me luck

So I'm going to pull up the picture so you can see, Josh. All right. Why don't you describe this picture for everyone? It is the most fingered creature you've ever seen in your entire life. At least 30 fingers. Looks like a child of the corn sort of thing. Also a lot of teeth, shark mouth, I would say.

And no legs, just a sheer mermaid tail. So as a recap, mermaid tail, small child with 30 fingers plus, and I'm just noticing now, extremely what it looks like hairy armpits. Oh, that might be the hair coming into the armpit, but I wouldn't put it past it. Very odd thing to look at while you're sleeping. Yeah, and just...

Michael Jackson, really little nose. I don't know if that's a good describing factor. And then big eyes as well. So basically shark head, mermaid body, and 30 fingers. The fingers are just really throwing me off. So many of them. What do you do with that many fingers? I don't think there could have been a better description of this one. Oh my God.

It's kind of like the girl from The Grudge with all the hair, but definitely shark teeth, big eyes, slender man hands and fingers. Oh my gosh. Okay. Absolutely terrifying. Individual. Not something you want to sleep with or be friends with, for sure. No, not at all. And sleep paralysis, you can't move. I'm going to Google exactly the definition of it, but...

I think it's when you almost come out of sleep and you're awake but still paralyzed. I'm going to Google, though. This might have been the creature from the story before the kid saw in the pool. Maybe that's why he was pooping himself. It could have been this critter type thing.

Oh my God, I'm like bawling my eyes out laughing. Okay, so sleep paralysis is a condition identified by a brief loss of muscle control known as atonia that happens just after falling asleep or waking up. People often have hallucinations during episodes of sleep paralysis. Yeah.

I wonder, is that kind of like... What's the Leonardo DiCaprio movie where... Inception. Inception. Because I feel like I've had that before where I'm like two levels deep. Like I know I'm awake. Yeah. I feel like I'm awake and I'm doing things and I'm not at all. Yeah. I've had double layered dreams like that where I'm like in a dream, but in my dream I go to sleep and then wake up the next day. But then I wake up again and I'm like, oh my fucking God. Like this is nuts. I also...

just saw a video of this and maybe it's a form of sleep paralysis but this girl was like

Maybe this is just me, but do you guys have this? She's like, when I go to sleep and I dream, sometimes I'm in my dream for three months. I'm in my dream living another life for three months and then I wake up and it's only been at night. But in my dream, three months of time has passed. That's really long. That's a crazy amount of time. She's like, I have an alternate life. And me and Justin were talking about this and we're like, wait, wait.

There's so much we don't really know about the brain and its neural pathways and all this stuff. I'm like, what if we are living in alternate little universes inside of our own heads? Well, I think I was saying before too, I think when I take turmeric pills or these other vitamins, it definitely fucks with my dreams. Melatonin. And I've noticed too, if I have my head lower than the bed, that can like...

Do the process thing to you for sure where I feel like I can't move my body sometimes. That's interesting. I wonder if blood flow to the brain can contribute to it. I think a part of it is. That's really interesting. Yeah. So this can happen. You're totally paralyzed, unable to move or speak while falling asleep or upon waking up. So yeah, this is so scary. I can't even imagine waking up and like seeing this hallucination like hovering above you.

No, that's even might be worse than just the not being able to get up is that also the 30 fingered whale boy is near you. I would lose it. I would absolutely lose it. I would be so, so scared. So, so, so, so scared. I'm literally saving this image because everyone needs to see it just in case something happens. Top comment. If I have a nightmare about that fucking thing, you're getting an earful tomorrow.

Spreading the nightmare was my plan all along. OP comments back. Not down for sleep paralysis. Hopefully I don't experience this. No, or paranormal little well child things. Yeah, The Grudge. The Grudge, yeah. Yeah, no, that movie fucked me up. Especially the second one when the horse died. That was The Grudge, right? The horse jumped off the boat. Yeah, as a horse girl, that one.

Really got you. Hit home. Really, really hit home and fucked me up. Okay. Getting off little grudge girl here. Today I fucked up by insulting the one-legged girl I'm interested in. I'm scared for this. I guess I need more information. Okay.

So in these Corona times, I'm bored out of my mind. So I downloaded a dating app. I find a girl I'm really into and we connect on many things. She loves Star Wars, some games, and she even likes football. Although she completely chose the wrong team to support Packers. Anyhow, I'm a bit wary. She might be a catfish because she's hot as hell. At least a 10, maybe more. While I'm a five on my best days.

There are a lot of catfish on the site, so I ask her for a picture of her. She's understanding, and we exchange some pics. Nothing special. On one of the pics, I spot a prosthetic leg. Well, shit, she's probably a bit insecure about the whole thing. So I decide I must tell her I noticed, but don't care about it. Yeah, I think most of you probably think I'm an idiot already, but don't put the popcorn away just yet. It's about to get worse.

I haven't mentioned the prosthetic yet, but I'm looking for an opportunity. We're just throwing cheesy pickup lines at each other as it is something we've been doing for a couple of days now. I ask if she's ever been jailed for stealing hearts. She responds to that with a, do you think I'm a thief? To which I respond, I was thinking more of a pirate. I haven't had a response in 10 minutes. He said the pirate comment? Yeah. Oh, no. Because like pirates used to have peg legs. Peg legs.

I'm cringing on the inside for this poor boy. I'm cringing. Or I guess I shouldn't assume. I don't think they ever mentioned their gender. I'm cringing, though, for this person. So, so embarrassing. I just don't know where you go. I don't know. It's hard to ask about that initially, but I don't think maybe the joke should have been the way. I'm not sure. I think there might have been better ways to approach it, but...

Yeah, I don't know if I think with disabilities, I always try to make people like I don't really like notice or bring them up. Like it doesn't affect my relationship with people. It doesn't affect how I view them. So for me, I'm like, if you want to like outright tell me something, like if you're on the spectrum and you want me to know to like make our communication better or whatever, like I'll let you disclose it. So for me, I'm like, I don't think I ever would have said anything until she brought it up because I'm

That's just me. But then I also think on the flip side, like, okay, why beat around the bush? Like, it's a part of who she is. She's not embarrassed about her disability or, you know, her amputation or, you know, it could be a congenital defect too. You just, you don't know. There's so many factors. So I guess it could be like, oh, like, yeah, I noticed your prosthetic in the background. Like, looks like a cool one because there's some really, really cool ones, especially the running ones. So...

I don't know. I think like with disabilities and stuff like that, it's like we don't have to be so like discreet or embarrassed because they're not embarrassing. No, and I think you just don't want to like assume because that's – assume why they have it or, you know, because you don't know the story behind it. And I feel like there can be, like you're saying, like a thousand different ways of why someone would have a disability as well. And that could be like extremely traumatic for them as well. It could be traumatic. So you don't want to like –

I don't know. Making a joking manner is definitely like playing with fire a little bit. It is. And it's a fine line. And you don't know people's boundaries, especially like early on dating like this. So all you can do is be kind and just see where it goes from there and try to be open and communicate openly. And there is an update for this one. It might actually be fine. She got the joke and planned to get back at me by not responding for a while. I think I like her a bit more now. There you go.

I think there is. It is just like awesome too. I can remember I went snowboarding in...

Colorado in college and one of the days it was like Paralympic like skiing and snowboarding and these people were like legit blowing past me on the hill like doing crazy moguls. It was like one of the coolest things I've honestly ever seen and it was so like they were going fast like way faster than I would go down the hill like no fear. It was like awesome. The Paralympics was like the most amazing thing to watch and just to hear people's stories.

And there was a commercial recently for one of the Olympic swimmers. It was a girl that had, um, to, uh, like, I think it was just above the knee amputations or it was a congenital thing where she was born like that and she was adopted. And, um, it was just the most like amazing commercial. Like it's one of those commercials that makes you cry or maybe it's just me. Well, it's just like nothing can like, that just proves to like nothing even like, uh,

Not having a leg or an arm, none of that can stop you because there are people that do the most insane stuff with. I know. It's incredible. Yeah, absolutely incredible. Top comment on this one. As a woman with two artificial legs, I would find this hilarious. OP comments back, well, turned out she did too, but wanted to hang my ass dry for a little while. I like her. She sounds brilliant. And then there's just...

Some other funny and somewhat inappropriate comments on her? On here? On here? Her? What were you going to say? I think I would, yeah, I would have let him like have to wait for it or make him think about what he said a little bit too, I think. Let him sweat it a little bit. Let him sweat it. Another comment with like 11,000 upvotes. You pegged that one.

That's a good pun, though. I do like a good pun. It's a little punny. She could shove her foot up your ass if she can get your head out of the way. That one's good. I like that one. That one is good. I always thought that was an odd comment. I feel like that got yelled when my dad was mad sometimes when I was younger to get my head out of my ass. I've never seen someone with their head up their ass physically, but I always thought that was funny.

Or just an odd comment. Why is that even, why is that a... Why is that a comeback? Yeah. Or a saying. I do not know. I do not know. Another comment. I bet she can't stand you now. That's good too. Yeah, OP comments back. Seriously, cut it off with the leg jokes. So a lot of funny, a lot of funny comments on this thread. So I'll definitely, I'll save the link and post it for this one.

Just a comment for listeners out there. There is an earlier episode where we were talking about an individual with a disability and I mentioned something about being using language like differently abled. And I just want to clarify, like I actually picked up that language in grad school from a group of disabled individuals that wanted to shape the language around their disability. And that's what they wanted to be like referred to as. However,

However, after people are reaching out, I do recognize that just going by disabled is typically preferred within the community. So I will be using that going forward. And I think it's just, you know, it's good to know what people prefer with their language and their identity and

It's kind of crazy with my grad program. There was also a big, big, big initiative to put like person first before disability or like anything like that. So it was like a boy with autism. But what I'm finding out now is that the community itself doesn't like that at all. Like they actually prefer to be recognized like disability first because it is a bigger part of their identity. So...

Going forward, I know now, thank you for highlighting this and the education because my doctorate graduate program is definitely going to get a nice email from me with links and a lot of articles from individuals in the community because it is important to identify people with language they prefer. I agree. Okay. On to the next one. Off my soapbox.

So the title is... So we had a family check in earlier this week who initially didn't seem like they were going to be any trouble. Boy, were we wrong. The first night they were here, around 9, the father comes down to the desk to inform me that his son pooped in the pool. Okay...

That sucks, but what can you do? I thank him for telling me and inform him we will have to be shutting the pool down to drain it. Well, this is just unacceptable. They came here specifically for the water park. Okay, well there's no way around it. Flash forward to the next night. The father approaches the desk once more. He's so sorry, but his kid pooped in the pool again. Okay, accidents happen.

He asks if we still need to close. After all, his family is the only one in the pool. I tell him that yes, we do. He is not happy. Flash forward to the third night. What do you know? His kid poops in the pool again. At this point, I have already offered him little swimmers that we keep behind the front desk, but he informs me...

Hey there, it's Ryan Seacrest for Safeway. Take care of yourself this summer and save on all your personal care favorites. Now, through August 27th, save up to $3 or more when you purchase participating personal care items like Pampers Wipes, Gillette Razors, Metamucil, Crest Toothpaste, Secret Body Spray, and a Swiffer Power Mop. The more you buy, the more you save.

Catch these deals before they're gone. Offer ends August 27th. Restrictions apply. Promotions may vary. Visit Safeway.com for more details. This child is allergic and blah, blah, blah. Well, keep your spawn out of the pool then. So they come to check out this morning and the dude literally has the nerve to ask me for a discount because the pool was closed for three out of the four nights they were here. Um, no.

As they were walking out, I hear what sounds like someone dropping a bucket of water on the floor and look over the desk to see that his kid threw up right in the middle of the lobby. We make eye contact and the family just walks out and drives away. We received a fun trip advisor review. First reaction, I am worried for the child being attacked by the other children for getting the pool closed so many nights in a row.

It kind of sounds like some Billy Madison stuff. Like, it's cool if you poop in the pool. Like, what the hell, dude? One time I get. One time is so, so understandable.

I totally get one time. I think we've all like accidentally pooped in a bathtub or just had to poop somewhere. Yeah. Not ideal or whatever. Pee. I'm sure people have peed in the pool like before. Whatever. We get it. But two times, let alone then three times? Yeah.

Three times? He's allergic to the little swimmers. I feel like people are allergic to your son's poop all over the pool. Seriously, like what is happening? And I just like, I don't know. I think there's certain diapers that can't go in pools, but I'm also like, then keep a diaper on him. He can't be allergic to everything.

Maybe he's allergic to the pounds of Mexican food or something that his dad is feeding him every night before the pool. Like, what's going on? Maybe they accidentally slipped him laxatives or some prunes, like prune juice, to keep him regular. I do not know, but as a normal human being, then have the audacity, the audacity to ask for a discount because your pool was closed. But you're making the pool closed. Sir, sir, this is a direct...

Causation relation to you and your kid shitting in the pool. Well, not him, but the kid. He's closing the pool. He's closing the pool. Also, I do admit, I'm very, very surprised that he even came and told her the second or the third time because he knew the pool was going to get closed, especially after the second.

So why do you even come and tell her for the third? Why wouldn't you just scoop this shit out? Well, I wonder if they're on camera. We don't also know how war zone it is. You know what I mean? Is it just a little kid's poop or is it pool destroying? Like this family definitely needs to stay away from the water parks. This is a no-no. This could be like other families coming after them if they go to a water park, I feel. Because they're just closing the whole thing. It could cause a riot. It truly could cause a riot.

Top comment, that poor fucking kid with such asshole parents. He's obviously sick if he poops in the pool three times and then pukes in the lobby. You were right with your first comment. I'm worried about the kid because he probably had the flu. Or maybe he's allergic to the chlorine, not the diapers. Maybe they should flip it around there. Hey, you keep throwing your kid in the chlorine. True. Maybe that's why he's getting sick. I don't know. You might have a solid point there.

Someone replies to that and they go, I was hoping it would end with, we received a fun TripAdvisor review. They received a visit from CPS. Which like, this is so true. Oh my gosh. I'm actually really worried about this little kiddo now. Like, parents are clearly...

Out of their depth. They're just, like, kind of unaware of their child. I also think, like, just knowing people who have worked at hotels that... And I can imagine the front desk lady or whoever was there's reaction. That is one of the, like, roughest jobs. Like, you just get some fucking weird shit happening at the hotel, I feel like. The stuff you see as, like...

A hospitality worker. That's the word I was looking for. Yeah, I can't imagine. I don't think I would be able to clean a lot of the rooms. I think I would have a hard time, especially if black lights were involved.

Because we used to even sneak into the pool that my friend worked at in college. There was a pool in the hotel, and we would go there really late, and it was a sick pool. I did that. I would be pissed if the kid closed the pool. I'm like, I wanted to go in there. I'd be irate. Irate. My little brother threw up at Disneyland once. Projectile vomited everywhere. And we went back to the hotel, slept it off. Next day, totally fine. But I guess I've kind of been there, so I can...

I can see how bodily fluid. Well, you like can't yell at the kid either. Like I was telling my, should I tell the slide story? Oh my God, yes. So my first job ever, I used to work at a daycare and they had to call me Mr. Josh. And one day this little boy runs over. He's like, Mr. Josh, Mr. Josh, come to the slide. And I'm like, why? And he's like, let's call him Jimmy. Jimmy pooped on the slide. And I'm like, what are you talking about? Go over there.

Like, what the heck? Can't we go inside? Why are we pooping on the outdoor equipment? Come on. Oh, my God. And the girls won't clean it up. It's obviously a Josh thing to do, I guess. It was a Josh job. Put it on me. Josh job, for sure. Yeah, I would have been the same way, Josh. But the kid doesn't know either. It's more of a run and gun sort of thing. Like, peace. Peace.

Yeah, especially if they're like little preschoolers. Where was the weirdest place you pooped as a kid? The weirdest place? Yeah. I think the scariest place in... I don't know if this is like a Wisconsin, Minnesota thing, but every time we would go up to our cabin, there were... Outhouses? Like outhouses or like rest stations in the middle of the woods, and they were...

a toilet, but then it went like deep in the ground. Like I'm talking like semi-truck trailer deep. And I always remember thinking like, don't slip up or you're going down there and dad's not going to get you. That would be terrifying to fall in the hole. That was like one of my bigger fears as a child, for sure. Wow. I just had a lady at work tell me that her grandson has been really great about

They're potty training him still, and he's been really great about telling them when he needs to pee, but he's developed a habit of shitting in the closet. See, that's something you've got to nip in the butt right away. No. That's the kind of people who turn into the drunk closet pee-ers, you know what I mean, or the pee just in a room. Yeah.

I know a couple of those people, so maybe they have that same growing up-ness. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back it up. What? I know a couple of guys who would get really drunk, and then my one friend, her boyfriend got hammered. He came home, and he just peed all over her clothes in the closet on her shoes. And I don't know really what you do with the stuff afterwards or the person, but I know a lot of people who have done that or just going in a corner and just peeing in the corner. I feel like that's a guy thing.

I don't do it. I always get to the bathroom. You're making me have my doubts. Some people are just like that. They think it's dark. There's a door. It's kind of similar to a bathroom. I'm not sure. The fact that you know multiple people is very concerning for me. I don't know if it's just because I...

As a gal, I have to constantly sit on the toilet. Like there is no standing for me. So I can't imagine the confusion. Like I would never just sit in a chair and just like let it flow. I'm a little disturbed by this information, to be honest. I think it's more of a game because you can make a game out of it. You know what I mean?

Just going to the bathroom of a guy is more of a game. Even when we were talking about the Packers-Vikings things, there's bathrooms that have Packer helmets or Viking helmets on it, and then you can just pee on them all over. It's like something to do while you're in there, you know what I mean? Oh, my God. It's like that game at the fair that you press the water and aim it at a little target. But you control the gun even easier, I guess, than having to do it far away. Oh, my God.

Okay, I don't like where this has gone. We got to go. We got to move on. I'm scarred. This is like too much information. But that's just how it is. TMI, TMI. Next.

Today I fucked up by forgetting to unpair my mom's earphones from my mobile. This couldn't be bad, I'm guessing. Yeah. I borrowed my mother's earphones a while ago and forgot to unpair them. Sort of didn't think I had to, to be honest. Well, that came back to bite me in the ass today. I was watching some porn, ones with very vocal porn stars, and had my device connected to the headphones.

Anyways, apparently my mom switched her earphones on and for some reason my device got connected to it and the audio switched over to her earphones. I had a few dumb minutes thinking why the audio wasn't working and I was turning the volume up and down trying to get it to work again. And my mom called me, handed her earphones to me, and left the room without a word.

While she was leaving, I asked her if they weren't working, and she replied, no, they're working very well. It took me a few minutes to figure out what had happened, and I immediately fled to my room to type this out. Send four condolences. First off, just extreme awkward because it's your mom. Yeah. I have actually done this to a Bluetooth speaker like an Alexa, but luckily no one was home here, so...

Thank God. But I was like, same scenario. I was like, why? Like, what the fuck is going on with my volume? Like, I'm turning it up and turn it down. And I could kind of hear it, but it wasn't coming from my phone. And I was like, there was this moment of confusion. I'm just like, what? Like, I hear it, but it's not here. And I was like, oh, my God, light bulb. I just like immediately disconnected Bluetooth. I was like, thank God no one is home.

Thank God. I think it's much worse than the like opening it in class, that sort of thing, just because your mom has it. And then you were like fucking with it for a while. So she's obviously like. You're turning it up and down on her, like in her ears. And she's getting all these noises. She maybe thought it was fucked up for like the first time you adjusted the volume, but then you kept doing it. Then she was full nose. She knew. For sure knew at that point. Top comment. Busted twice. What?

Next one.

Guess he got pissed at seeing dick out of the corner of his eye all day during the lecture. So he reached out and yanked the headphones out of the laptop. The laptop immediately switches to speakers. He must have been listening at full volume because suddenly all we hear is the loud porn vocals drowning out the professor. Was the funniest thing I've ever seen. That kid had his laptop packed up and was out of there so fast. I'm surprised he didn't get whiplash.

Yikes. I think that's a good way to deal with it. Yeah, just leave or run away. No, just like yank it out. Hold the headphones. Yeah, that's true. What the heck? Like this guy, totally understandable, easy mistake, privacy of his own home. Love it. Good for you. Unfortunate your mom had to find out that way. But in class? Yeah, not in like why are you doing that anyways? Oh my God, that's like...

Watching porn on a plane, which some of the movies that are on the plane, little TVs, little porn. Getting risky. Little porno action. I think you really got to cover your bases like where you are. So like similar story to what you were saying. I remember we were at one of those trade show events and this girl –

came up with her boss. She was an employee and you had to like download the app on your phone. And when the girl opened her phone, it was just straight up porn in front of her boss, like the CEO of the company. And I was so embarrassed like for her and no one knew what to say. It was just like awkward for everybody, awkward for her, the boss, for me, like I, nobody knows what to do in the situation. It's just like, uh, how do you recover from that?

You can't because it's like definitely burned in their brain. Yeah. For sure. Oh, that's the girl that showed me porn. She's into so-and-so. She's into this kind. Yep. Know what your kink is. Yeah, no. That would be a hard one to recover from. I think I would just like –

Play it off. I don't know. I don't know how you play it off, I guess. That is pretty tough. But everyone watches porn. You just got to watch your personal versus your work stuff. But that's so blurred now, too. Everyone just uses their work computer for their personal computer and phone. Same thing. It's bound to happen. You just got to...

I don't know. Watch out. Use a private tab on your iPhone. Go down to the bottom, change it to private, and then make sure you exit after you're done looking at your stuff. Top tips from Morgan. There you go, guys. There you go. Make no mistake.

Just peeking at other comments. Oh, damn. So sorry that happened to you, buddy. I think in my case, I wouldn't be alive to type out a Reddit TIFU post because my mom would probably murder me if something like that happened. I think that's true. I feel like especially if you're younger or where you like grew up or what school you went to. Like I went to a private school for a portion. You went to a Catholic school. Yeah. Moms that would.

Be irate. I know. It's very interesting. I forget that to some people masturbation is like a no-no. It's very bad and like not illegal but like against. But frowned upon. Frowned upon like against their beliefs. So that to me is so interesting. So yeah, I guess like if his mom is super religious or follows that belief that could have made this a lot fucking worse. Okay, well fingers crossed she wasn't.

My mom found one of my vibrators once. That was very uncomfortable for the both of us. But I keep one in Minnesota, like in my drawer there. So I'm like, I don't want to travel with it. I need it in its own place. Yeah, I have multiple. I keep them spread out. Moving along. Today I fucked up by accidentally getting sexual with my dentist. Again. Again.

I'm a 32-year-old woman who can never go back to my new dentist after two visits because I'm an idiot. My dentist is a very nice and professional man. Our first appointment was going pretty smoothly until he made some innocuous remark about us being strangers. My immediate reply was, Oh, you're not a stranger. You've been inside of my mouth for 20 minutes.

I did not intend to make a sexual joke. His face turned red and he was clearly embarrassed but continued on like a true professional. And we were probably both relieved when the appointment was over. I had my second dentist appointment today. I actually mentally prepared myself to be a model patient who didn't say anything weird. Thank you very much. He had been working in my mouth for about five minutes when he started to seem really uncomfortable or something.

His face was red and he was breathing a little heavier. I was a bit concerned and also confused. Like, how could I have embarrassed him this time? I had hardly spoken. So he keeps working in there and then I realize what the hell is happening. My dentist...

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Visit Safeway.com for more details. This was wearing grape flavored gloves. I had been absentmindedly licking his fingers the whole time. Awkward. No, no, no, no. But why was he breathing heavier? Why was the dentist breathing heavier? Probably because she was like sucking on his finger. I don't know. I feel like. Did he like it? Was he getting turned on?

And that's why he was getting red and breathing heavier? Like, what is the need to, like... Why would you do that? And also, where did you get... Where did he get these gloves? I don't feel like I've ever had a flavored dentist glove. Like, as maybe... You know what I mean? Have you? I've never had a flavored glove. I don't think I've ever heard of that at the dentist. Also, yeah, that's kind of opening yourself up for problems and licking and someone salivating more over you and your fingers in their mouth. I've never had a flavored glove, but if I did...

I might like the dentist a little more. I feel like you're also, like, maybe to this lady's defense, you're somewhat out of it a lot of times at the dentist. I don't know. Like, I feel like you're either asleep or someone's hands are in your mouth. So I don't know where you get time to talk, one. And then, two, I don't know. If you're, like, all hopped up on sleeping gas, you're probably going to do some weird shit, though, as well, especially if there's grape gloves that he has for some reason. Oh, the laughing gas? Yeah. Oh, for sure. Yeah.

But the point about when do you have time to talk, it is a dentist thing. And I do this literally at work, at the hospital too, where I'm like, people will be brushing their teeth in the bathroom with me, and I'm like, what do you like to do for fun? And you're like...

uh, like you can't respond. You have their hands in your mouth. You're gaping open. You're like, try not to get your tongue cut up by tools. It's like, how do you expect me to respond? They just forget. Like they just forget. I do. I do it to my patients all the time. Well, you're trying to be polite. And I feel like you as a dentist, you feel like you have to talk to the patient as well. But like you're saying, normally you got some metal thing in your mouth, so you're not

trying to tell your life story either. True. Very true. Yeah. My, my old dentist liked to talk to me about like everyone from my high school because he like skated and played hockey with like rink rat with all the, like the young guys that played college and in high school. And he would talk to me about like all my guy friends and I'm just like, uh-huh. Uh-huh. I like, he'd be like, Oh, did you ever hook up with so-and-so? Like he's a great guy. And I'm like,

What do you mean by hookup? Because do you mean like link up like friends or what? Because this is going to get really inappropriate fast. Maybe they're like that. Like that seems like the dentist is the town gossiper. So maybe they are. Oh, he knows everything. Maybe they are just like that. They just want to maybe they do make patients hit on them or feel a certain way. They want the tea. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm very conflicted about this one. First joke she said, kind of funny, kind of funny. Could be a little sexual harassment, though, in the workplace. It's a fine line there. But the second one, I'm very concerned why he was breathing heavier. That's really stuck with me throughout this whole story here. Also, aren't there, like, the other...

Are there people who work with the dentist there? The hygienist. Or is he in the room by himself? Maybe he's like a solo dentist. I'm not sure. They typically have hygienists. Yeah. Like he'll do the exam and then the hygienist will come in and do the cleaning and then they'll do the actual work but the hygienist will assist. I think that might be a thing because isn't there the horrible bosses movie where the one baby. Jennifer Aniston. She is the hot dentist or the hot doctor. Yeah. Yeah.

So top comment on this one. I once glanced at my dental folder when I was a kid and it said I had a strong roaming tongue. Not sure how I should feel about that. Side story about a strong tongue. A child I took care of had macroglossia, which is an enlarged tongue. It's like oversized. That's an extremely large tongue that hung out of their mouth. We're seeing the doc one day and the doc puts a tongue depressor in their mouth. This kid is...

In literally one fast, as lightning flicketh their tongue, breaks the tongue depressor in half. This is a one-year-old. It's hands down the wildest thing I've ever witnessed. I had no idea how strong tongues could be. I want to know what other categories there are now at the dentist. You know what I mean? I didn't even know there were tongue categorizations. Yeah. There's probably a bunch of stuff. There probably is. I wonder what they say about me and my chart.

Has horrific teeth. Because you have to go to dentist school just as long as a doctor, right? Like pretty long? It's a decent chunk of time, for sure. I want people to say what other categories they are. Yeah. You know what I mean? I want somebody to chirp in. I'm very curious. This next username, his username is DarthMoller.

I think he's actually a dentist. People act super weird when they are in the dental chair. The anxiety doesn't help matters. I've had my fingers licked and sucked by accident 100 times because the patient thought it was the suction tip. He probably forgot about the interaction shortly after. Don't sweat it. And he goes, source, I am a tooth carpenter. Mm-hmm.

It is like that though. Think about it. You're on a weird chair. They have the big light to blind your eyes. Yeah. And then they just start shoving stuff in your mouth. It's basically like you're helpless. You are super helpless. And it's like honestly if anyone has fear of the dentist out there, I'm really sorry. But like one time my dentist, I had like a cavity in one of my front – like front tooth –

Front teeth? Front teeth? One of those. And he drilled it out, and he's like, oh, do you want to see? And I was like, I don't know, do I? And he literally showed me the mirror, and there's just a hole in my front tooth. And I'm like, I don't want to see anymore. Why? Why? I feel like they make it more traumatic for you there sometimes. For sure. And then they don't let the numbing stuff kick in. Like, no, make sure I'm numb before you start jabbing me with that Novocaine. Bitches. Okay. Okay.

Yeah, sorry. Getting away from this dental scariness. The rest of the comments, though, are pretty funny. They go into different terms for dentists that I actually do think is kind of funny. Bone mason, mouth mechanic, mouth janitor. I like those. I like the mouth mechanic, I think, best. I think mouth mechanic's a good one. Someone does comment, though, wait, licking dentist is a thing?

I never thought about where I put my tongue, but now I'm going to for the rest of my life every time I visit the dentist. Yeah, I have an appointment coming up soon, so I will keep everyone posted on that one if you're curious. I will say I think like dentists are more like attracted, let's say, to people with nice teeth. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I think that is totally a thing.

Like, I've known girls who have gone to dentist school and, like, gone after me more, I think, because sometimes, like, people comment on my teeth. Why? Like, in a good way. Like, then they're more, they, like, go after me more. Because you have, like, what do they say? They're big and white? Yeah, they're just, like, my teeth. You do have really white teeth. But they're in dental school. So it's a thing. Do you whiten your teeth? Uh, no. I use, like, white strips every once in a while. Yeah, they are pretty white now that I'm looking at you. Yeah. Okay. This one I have strong feelings about, too.

Am I the asshole for not getting my drunk girlfriend fast food? I'd say it would depend. Okay.

One of my girlfriend's friends graduated, so we went out to a bar to celebrate. It was a Tuesday night. We got the invite last minute, but we both agreed to go for like two hours tops. I was the DD so she could celebrate with her friend. Plus, I had work in the morning. She's unemployed. Anyways, we meet her friends at the bar and we have a good time. Then we hop in the car to head home. When we get in the car, my girlfriend asked me if I want to get food. She's drunk. I'm not.

Usually, when I go out, I'm down, but this time I tell her, no, I kind of just want to go home. It's late. She then starts begging, please, can we get Jack in the box? I tell her, I just want to go home and that there's food at our apartment. She then throws a little tantrum and calls me mean, says she would have taken me if I was drunk, and she brings up the time it would take to go.

I said no because one, I was really tired and I really value my sleep. And two, we both just started working out. We got gym passes. I'm trying really hard to give up junk food. Moving forward, we're driving home and we pass by Jack's. Oh my God, it's right on the way. Sorry. She then asked again. At this point, I figured what the hell? It's not out of the way. So I pulled into the drive-thru. I'm a little annoyed, but I still pulled in to make her happy.

We get to the speaker, and they ask what we would like to order. My girlfriend starts telling me her order, and I laugh and say, don't tell me, tell the guy. I was just the chauffeur. I didn't want to be the middleman. She got really mad that I made her order from the passenger seat. After she ordered, we sat in line behind another car. In line, she was calling me a dick and an asshole for making her order. I didn't see how it was a big deal. She has a voice.

She did some hurtful things, and I basically said, I'm in line with you getting you food. Don't forget who's driving. Call me an asshole again, and I'll show you an asshole. So she called me an asshole again. I got upset and kept driving past the food pickup window. We left Jack's with no food.

We get home and I'm parking the car. We get out and I give her the keys to unlock our apartment. She then takes the keys and runs into the car and locks herself in. She has the only keys to get inside the apartment. She's buzzed from the bar. She starts up the car and starts reversing. I start knocking on the windows telling her to stop because she's drunk, but she keeps reversing out of the parking lot.

I stood behind the car, but she kept accelerating. I took a picture of the license plate and pretended to call 911 and report a drunk driver. She kept reversing and was about to leave me stranded in the parking lot until she got back. Out of pure rage, feeling like I had no control, I got mad and gave the car a good kick. The kick made her roll down the window. I opened the door from the inside, put the car in park, and took the keys. I went into the house, hid the keys, and went to bed.

A lot of factors in this story went way left from what I thought it was going to go. I know. It did too for me. I'm sorry. This one, I'm just going to go with everyone sucks here. They both suck. However, he made this situation a lot more difficult than it needed to be. Just go and get the girl some fucking jack in the box. It doesn't need to be that hard. Fast food places take a couple minutes typically.

Just get her a fucking sandwich or fries. I don't even, I've never been jacking the box. I don't, I don't know what they have.

Um, but don't deny this poor drunk girl some food. No. And he's, he's definitely just asking for it, driving away. Like you're just asking for shit. I also, I also changed my, initially I was going to be like, I thought they both were drinking and then he didn't get her food. But if he's sober, why can't he just like drive there quick? Well, it's on the way. Like they passed it. Like basically teasing her like, Oh, wave goodbye to Jack in the box. Like,

I get it. You have to work in the morning, but you should have then, if you were that tired, maybe managed your time a little better at the bar, left a little earlier, you know, wrapped things up. I'm getting sleepy. Maybe ask her here. Here would be the ultimate good thing to do. Ask her if she wants something before you pick her up from the bar, you know, then you come to the bar with the Jack in the box. You

But I think they partied together. He just didn't drink. But yeah, really, really annoying. The fact that he made her order too, like Justin does this to me when we go to Starbucks sometimes, but that's because my orders are a little complicated. But like just to be like, hey, yeah, like I want to make chicken and fries. It's easier for the workers to fucking hear the person right there. They're already having to deal with like the car noise and

And then to drive off after you've ordered, your food was already probably getting made. Yeah, I can't believe you drove off. That's just like literally asking for her to go wild on you. And this is where I get back to the everyone sucks because like,

Suck it up, girl. Calling him an asshole and going off on him and saying whatever else she said. You got your food. Okay, you had to order. Let's move on. You're going to get your food. Just sit, be patient. But us drunk, hangry gals. Just got the last word. Hangry people.

Just, you're not yourself when you're hungry, as Snickers would say. So I get it. Also, she really sucks. She shouldn't have gotten in the car. No. So they both suck, but he definitely instigated it. Definitely instigated it. He's just also lucky he didn't get run over, run over. Oh my God. Don't be standing behind the car. I think that's a hard no-no. Yeah. That's definitely really, really bad.

Top comment, everyone sucks here. You are both immature. She escalated that fast food window interaction to a domestic violence situation. And although I think you tried to minimize it, your actions sound controlling and passive aggressive. You're the asshole. Next comment goes, I mean, you were passing it anyways. So why make it an issue and be a dick about it? Someone else goes like, it doesn't even sound like you really like your girlfriend. And I could, I could see that as well.

Yeah, I just feel like if you're if it's there, you can't. And if you weren't going to get it for in the first place, don't be driving that way home or go like a different way where she can't physically see it. Yeah. And because then you're just like holding the care in front of her face. Yeah. Like take a different route, buddy.

Another one of the top comments. No.

I, um, I've had a couple interesting, like fast food experiences drunk. The one that stands out the most to me is when I took a girl's trip in San Diego for someone's birthday and we went out and we were having a good time, had an Uber bring us to Taco Bell after the bar starving. We had no food back at our Airbnb and I was so excited for this chicken taco because everyone in the car was like fighting. I was trying to be the mediator. Um,

Just try not to rock the boat. We have people screaming at each other. Like we're already going to get a bad Uber rating for the drive-thru experience and the yelling. I'm like, just give me my taco bell, please. And we get to the Airbnb. And for some reason I was talking to Lauren or trying to calm someone else down. And Alejandra and Whitney went upstairs with the taco bell. And the two of them or Whitney, I don't know who it was.

ate my taco this is plural actually ate ate all my tacos so I get upstairs and I'm like are you guys serious like you left me with no fucking food like there's nothing in this Airbnb and I literally was so so mad in that moment I took an uber from San Diego back towards LA and

I took like a $150 Uber. This is the most ridiculous thing I probably have done. But I was so irate. Pure hangry. Pure hanger. I was so upset. Don't fuck with my drunk food.

You can't though. That's just also just asking for it. Like accidentally eating someone's food when everyone's drunk, that's just ten times worse than sober doing that. I know. I just like eating someone's food, especially if like that's all they have, is like very, very messed up. Don't do that to people. Don't do that to your coworkers. Just don't do it. Don't do it. Just don't touch people's food. No. No. So I...

This poor girl, she should have got her jack in the box and she shouldn't have gotten the fucking car. They don't sound like they're the healthiest. Maybe we don't know either. Maybe that guy's got like, I don't know, like some five-star Michelin chef at home or something that's just whipping him up. That's the only reason I would give him a pass in this situation if he's got like...

I don't know, endless sushi just on deck at his house that he needed to go back for. Otherwise, I think you should just let her go. A little far-fetched. I think his point, too, where he was like, we just got a gym membership and we're trying to be healthy. It's like, well, it doesn't mean you are going to get force-fed jack-in-the-box. Like, let the girl eat whatever the fuck she wants to eat. Like, don't fucking body police her. Yeah. Let

Let her live. Yeah, she's drinking anyway, so what do you expect? Yeah, let her live. Calories aren't real when you're drunk. It's true. Let her live. Okay. So earlier I asked you how you feel about farts. Yep. What was your answer? Sometimes think they're funny. Whoopie, I feel like I've had some good whoopie cushion. Oh, that's right. That's right. Okay. So...

Today I fucked up by making such a disgusting smell from my butt, it evacuated a courtroom. Scary. So this happened about five hours ago. Today I woke up and had really painful cramps due to a deadly women's monthly cycle mixed with some spiced chicken that hadn't set right in my belly all night. I go to the toilet about three times before work this morning, but it's eased off a bit.

So take tablets, grin and bear it, and leave for work. Now, my job is working with the prison system and escorting prisoners to certain places, including courts. This is where it all went downhill.

Now, I had to escort this prisoner over to the witness box and stand next to her. Open court. So I do my usual, but my tummy has started to really hurt again. I'm trying my absolute best to put off a fart, which I know is brewing, but can't hold it much longer. So I do a really silent one and pat myself on the back thinking I had gotten away with it.

That is, until the prisoner starts coughing and retching and shouting, "'What the fuck's that?' I quickly realize what it must be, but can't admit to such foul, putrid smell, so start crinkling my nose as well and gagging. Then, the admin clerk walks slightly closer and retches so hard, she had to swiftly put her head in the bin."

By the way, it's getting loud and chaos is starting to ensue. Not what you want in court, in front of a district judge. He quickly tells me to take the prisoner back over to the closed dock and states it must be the pipes.

He stands down the whole court and makes maintenance come in to check all pipes for any leaks, cracks, anything which could have made that smell happen. Prisoner still has watery eyes. I'm pretending to gag and the clerk is sipping water next to a bucket.

I think this guy's got to just full die with the acting at this point because it's becoming a huge scene. This lady? Yeah. Yeah, period cramp poop is something different. It's something else. So I get it. But whoa, to evacuate a courtroom. That is some deadly, potent, putrid action.

Maybe this is a good lesson to how to get out of things like that, like the back of a cop car, court, just, I don't know, carry some weird dog poop with you or something and they'll let you go. I'm not sure. Oh my God. No, there's actually fart spray. There's a big pranker that likes to prank people.

his grandma or someone in his life with like the fart spray. And he did it to her in the car once. And she literally looked like she was about to throw up. So this, um, cause some of it, I have heard of that. Like there's some stuff that's like super potent. Like you could not, yeah, not be handling it. No, I, I, um, I would not have admitted this was me. There's no way. But also like, what do you do when they find out it's not the gas? Like then they know.

Yeah, then you maybe say it was the criminal sort of person. I don't know, because you're the authority person as well, and then you're the one just stinking up the place. Very true. Top comment on this one. You should also pat yourself on the back for releasing such a smelly fart that everyone in the room thought a gas leak occurred. Of course, the alternate scenario, what if it were a booming fart that smelled as bad?

Funny story. I teach martial arts. So when we're doing stuff like burpees to help warm up or incorporating sit-ups into HIIT-style workouts, sometimes people let one slip. It happens often enough that nobody really thinks anything of it. Had one dude come in with his girlfriend and her friend and someone's mom.

It was their first time. Dude ended up getting a thunderclap of a fart squeezed out. And that fart was one of the most ungodly smells I've ever experienced. And I say this as a father who has changed many of diapers.

Their entire entourage was visibly shaken and embarrassed, and the whole room was filled with grimaces. They never came back, sadly. Yeah, I feel like you either have to laugh it off or straight up run to a degree. I don't know. The next comment. Ah, the forgotten art of Marshall farts. That's good. That's funny. That's good. You've never farted in a bad situation? Yeah, I think I have.

I can think of like one. I think this is like weird thinking of what to do. I remember I did it in class in high school, I think. And I had a Sharpie or a bunch of Sharpies and I remember just like took the caps off because I thought that would maybe like help mask the smell for some reason. Oh my God. That is kind of smart. I make the mistake of like having coffee and stomach issues before like getting in the car. I mean, Justin went in the car recently and I

We were driving and just the two of us. So if it's not him and he knows it's not him, it's clearly me next to him. So I had a silent, you know, silent but deadly. And I was so embarrassed. But at that point, it's like...

Uh, you can't roll down the windows because then you really give yourself away. So you just kind of got to like, be like, Oh my God. Like, what are we driving by right now? Clearly no sewage plant or water treatment plant near us, like passing universal studios. Like,

God, one of those rides must have broke down. There's nothing you can offer. No excuse. You got to get a convertible because I feel like that's a quick key out too. Because even I've driven past plants or weird areas and you can just tell the smell right away. So that's just an easy...

So if there's any chronic farters out there, get yourself a convertible and you're in the clear. Convertible. Just blame it on something else. Yeah. I'm really curious, fellow listeners in the Midwest, Midwest fam, what do you do when you live in like crop territory like Iowa, Nebraska? Because a lot of those crops are fertilized using animal waste, cow poop. And when you drive by those crops,

There's no escaping that smell. Even with the windows up, you're smelling it. You're smelling it. So what do you do with situations like that when you live in those areas? I don't know. I'd be curious because it's almost, it would be like constant, like part of your life sort of thing. Yeah. It would always be around. It would be.

Maybe you go nose blind. Yeah. I think that might be the thing. Maybe you go nose blind to the smell and you just don't realize after a while. Yeah, that could be. I think that's the case. That's where Febreze got the nose blindness from, you know? Calfields. Calfields. Those Calfield folk just need some spray. They do. Okay. We're plugging right along. I think we have time for one more. All right.

I'm reading this one. It's very long. It's definitely your worst nightmare. I'm nervous what you think my worst nightmare is. Today, I fucked up by stuffing my face with edibles before dinner with my wife's parents. Your worst nightmare? I just feel like, yeah, there's no control there at all. And I feel like you're just going to make a... Whoever it is is definitely going to have a good dinner, that's for sure. Good night with the parents. Solid trip. Yep.

Recently, I traveled to Denver, Colorado with my wife and my wife's parents. As a resident of a non-legalized state and as someone who is too much of a pussy to regularly buy illegal drugs, the thing I was looking forward to the most was the chance to buy fancy legal weed. What could possibly go wrong?

So the first thing I do upon arriving and after successfully ditching the in-laws is drag my wife to a nearby dispensary for a shopping spree. And oh my God, it was just like in my dreams. Tons of different options in a neat little sample jar and a team of helpful stoners walking me through the various strains. Are you looking for a mellow body high?

Or do you want something that gives you a bit more pep and energy? Or are you just...

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Yes, yes, and yes, I reply eagerly like a fat kid in a candy store and request an eight ounce of about seven different options. In hindsight, if I learned anything from this experience, it is that my math and science teachers never taught me basic information like what is an ounce or how much weed can a person consume in a single weekend.

Sure, I can tell you when two speeding trains leaving separate stations will collide or recite Avogadro's number, but it turns out that none of that information is particularly relevant to getting high in a responsible and efficient manner. Josh, you have learned this the hard way.

And it was at this dispensary that I also learned that you can't actually smoke in public places, including the hotel that my wife and I were staying at. As a result, before leaving, I begged my wife to buy some edibles that I could munch on until we found a place to properly get lit. After expressing shock as to the absurd volume of drugs that we were buying, unlike me, she is the product of private school and understands the imperial measurement system.

She relents, and we walk out of the store with what felt like a dump truck of weed, plus a small package of seemingly innocuous ginger snap cookies. When we finally get back to the hotel room, I tear those bad boys open, only to find about a dozen tiny cookies roughly the size of a quarter.

What the fuck, Denver? Seeing the skepticism and hunger in my eyes, my wife warns me that I should go easy and look at the back of the package first before trying one. Dose size, half cookie. I read silently as I start taking micro bites from the edges, like a giant chinchilla gnawing on a sunflower seed. But what kind of savage only eats half a cookie? So a second later, I covertly pop the remainder into my mouth.

And then I quickly stuff another two cookies in my mouth for good measure. The moment my wife turns her back, we may not have legal weed back home, but I routinely devour an entire package of Milanos in one sitting without breaking a sweat. Your move, Tiny Ginger Snaps.

About 30 minutes later, we are in the backseat of her parents' rental car on the way to dinner. And that's when things start to go tits up. My stomach growls loudly and angrily. My wife looks at me with inquisitive eyes that seem to say, diarrhea?

But I merely clutch my tummy and mumble something about altitude sickness. You didn't eat a whole cookie, did you? She asked, 10% in genuine concern and 10% in seething irritation. Of course not, I respond, avoiding eye contact for the remainder of the car ride. A few minutes later, we are climbing out of her parents' rental car and heading into some trendy farm-to-table restaurant.

I don't remember how I made it to my seat, and I don't remember even looking at the menu. But I do remember the concerned look on the waiter's face as he asked me if I was doing all right. Oh, my God, this is going from bad to worse so fast. Keep it together, man, I say to myself. But my wife's sudden groan suggests that I may have also said that to the waiter. Things are going downhill fast.

Same thought, same thought. The waiter nods sympathetically, takes our orders, and then heads to the next table. The moment he walks away, my wife is staring daggers at me. I start to worry the jig is up. You are sweating from your entire face.

She says with both pity and disgust, not knowing what to do. I reach for my napkin and proceed to blot my cheeks, nose, neck, chin, and forehead. At this point, my wife's mom...

Yeah.

Get it together. I reluctantly get up from the table and head for the toilet. After splashing several handfuls of water on my face, I approach a urinal and start to pee. Now, one of the more disconcerting effects of those tiny ginger snap monsters is the feeling that time has become untethered from reality.

As I am peeing, I start to get the very unsettling feeling that I have been taking a piss for a better part of an hour and that my wife must be pacing around the restaurant worried about me.

But deep down, I know that is absurd. I've been peeing all my life, sometimes multiple times a day. I've probably taken more than 50,000 leaks. It usually takes only about a minute at most. So given that my typical pee is no more than 60 seconds, and given that it feels like I'm about halfway done, that means that I've probably only been standing here about 30 seconds, right?

But the guy at the urinal next to me doesn't respond and instead starts shuffling away from me midstream like a startled penguin. I try, albeit unsuccessfully, to break eye contact. After finally finishing, I again splash some water on my face and return to my seat, making sure to apologize to the table for being gone such a long time, just in case my math was off. This guy is going through it.

Absolutely threw it. I'm nervous that this is like the first time you can drink at a bar and he's just going wild, but it all is going to take like time to catch up and it's catching up. That's the thing with edibles. Start small, people. They sneak up on you. And this is not advice to do drugs. No drugs. But people will be people. Mm-hmm.

Next, I try briefly to engage in small talk with my wife's father, but I'm far too high to understand what either of us are saying. Not wanting to start laughing uncontrollably at the wrong moment, or really at any moment, I figure the safest idea is to nod my head periodically and drink a ton of water. Nothing cures mental fatigue like water, right? To my wife's horror, I stand up, grab my water glass, and thrust it out to the waiter, who unfortunately is on the opposite side of the restaurant.

But he turns out to be really cool, and after making his way over to our table, tells me that he'll do his best to keep me stocked with ice water the rest of the meal. He also helpfully suggests that if the dinner rolls aren't too spicy for me, I should probably eat one or two so that I'm not sitting there on an empty stomach. Smart man. Dicey, though. Because if you eat weed, edibles...

edibles I should say on an empty stomach and then immediately start eating your body actually starts to digest those like more rapidly fun fact however after going through all the bread on the table and three glasses of water I start to get worried that I need actual food to offset the growing paranoia from those tiny ginger snap devils do you think I should flag down the waiter again and ask what's taking so long what we literally just ordered three fucking minutes ago

And at that exchange, my wife loses her cool. "'How many cookies did you eat?' she demands. "'Whoa, easy there, Torquemada,' I respond, somewhat horrified at her outburst. "'I had a few cookies, but keep it down. "'You don't want your parents to know how fucked up I am right now. "'Really? They're sitting two feet away from you. "'They know.' "'I look up and for the first time notice both in-laws just staring at me "'for what literally felt like an eternity.'"

And that's where he ends it. I feel like this guy is just, I hope this isn't the first time he met the parents because... In-laws. I'm sure they've had some interactions. But wow, this was an absolute rollercoaster for me. I can somewhat see where he's coming from though as well because if you've never been to a weed store or it's your first time in a legal place, it totally is kid in a candy store mentality. You're like...

don't know what to pick. It's like going into a liquor store for the first time when you can like legally buy. It's like, what do you want? You're exploring all your options. Yeah. He didn't need to include fat kid in a candy store. I think you could have said sane individual in a candy store. Like I'm an absolute candy fiend. So like put me in one of those like Dylan's candy shops. I just like, I go, I fucking ball out. I go balls to the wall. It's like, I'm in there deep, like elbows deep in the jars. Like let's go.

So yeah, he definitely had an experience. This man wrote like a fucking full-time author. He does add like a couple little edits. Wow, thanks everyone for all the love. I think I've officially peaked in life. As for part two of the story, there's a reason or technically three delicious reasons why I was cut short. At that point, my wife's singular focus was on getting me out of the restaurant before I either puked all over the table or pissed myself.

So after a few spastic two-handed waves goodbye to my in-laws, she rushed me to the door like a Secret Service agent evacuating the president. My night after that was a whirlwind of barfing and groveling mixed with a few vain attempts at getting handsy back in the hotel. But being the absolute awesome sweetie that she is, my wife stuck with me through the whole nightmare, whispering over and over in my ear, please don't die. We have a mortgage.

I think you're maybe even more like to his defense, you're more like aware that you're fucked up when you're super high versus when you're like drunk. When you're drunk, you're kind of just like don't know what's going on sort of thing. I know. Whereas things are heightened when you're... So true. Yeah, like when... I don't know. Like I don't want to talk about drugs because I'm technically... I'm currently employed and would like to keep it that way. And I don't do drugs.

No, but you just got to watch out when you're in Denver. You got to like look both ways and know what year. Yeah, take it slow. One at a time. Take it very, very slow. But again, this is not an endorsement to do drugs. Tav comment, the visual of Opie's

Standing up to have water poured in his glass from a waiter across the restaurant got me, and so did him linking his sweaty face to the spiciness of the bread. Phenomenal read start to finish. The food is too spicy, only to realize we had not eaten anything yet. Ha ha ha ha ha. You took six times the recommended dose of edibles when you had to go do something 30 minutes later. Oh my god, OP, you sweet summer child. Ha ha ha ha.

I remember my first experience with edibles. Thought pigeons were planning an assault on my life. There are no pigeons where I live. Josh, do you want to share your horrible experience? My drinking one? No, why are you so scared to do anything weed related? I think just because the last time I've had it, I guess to what you were saying before of

Maybe mixing them or doing alcohol in a not correct way. I feel like I have mixed them bad in the past and that's just not okay. I felt I got to the point where I was going to call the ambulance man on myself because my lungs were so fucked up. Oh my God. And maybe I was just like this person where I don't know how to do it or don't know what I'm doing. You were a little paranoid probably. Yeah. A little scared about it.

Well, that was, I'm sorry that happened to you. And maybe I can convince you to have a better experience sometime soon. Maybe. Maybe today. Maybe. Hey. But on that note, that was a good note to end on. I'm so happy you're out here visiting me. I know. And got to join me on an episode. It's good to be back in California. I know. It's good to have you.

I'm ready for you to move. That was the plan, but you ditched me for Florida. I know. I got to get a house on or something on each coast. Just go back and forth. Each coast and then the middle. Florida's kind of the middle. Yeah. It's that middle ground. Weird state. Yeah. Wild state. Wild state. Wild state. Wild state. Wild state.

Okay. Well, thank you again for joining me. And that's all I got for this episode of Two Hot Takes, you guys. I still don't really have a theme for this episode. Maybe today I fucked up because majority of the stories were that. I don't know. You got anything good? Yeah, a lot of fucking up in a lot of those stories. Don't poop in the pool, maybe. That's a... A lot of life. A lot of life mottos. Also, maybe do a little cleanse after hearing Josh's description of the sleep paralysis monster. Yeah.

I'm personally going to make sure my dream catcher is right above my head tonight because I'm horrified. But thank you so much for joining us. And until next time. See you then. See you then. Bye, guys. Bye. Amazon Pharmacy presents Painful Thoughts.

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