63: Give You The Ick
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This day. It's okay. It has been a day. It's been a day. I still don't have my voice. Yeah, you do. Go on.

I have a voice. A voice. But not my voice. So apologies ahead of time for me sounding a little hoarse. This is so weird. We're like just free balling it. I know. Doesn't it like make you scared? You're like, am I talking? Is it recording? Yeah. Am I nasally? Oh, I'm definitely nasally. I know. Okay. Well, hi guys. Welcome back to another episode of Two Hot Takes.

I'm Alejandra. I'm your host Morgan. And we're coming at you live from bed. Literally in bed. In bed. In the studio. My studio has become a guest bedroom. My desk is pushed up against a wall and we have to do this episode from bed. So with us being in bed, I figured I'd pick stories that may keep some of us up at night. Not spooky. Not spooky or paranormal.

But just such icky stories. Just give you the ick. Give you the ick. And they're just cringy. But no, bodily fluids should be involved today. Knock on, don't quote me. Even I'm over the bodily fluids. Every episode I talk about stuff. I know. So I will try to not today. Okay. Shall we get into it? Let's do it. Let's dive in. All right, we're back.

Back at it again with some premium audio. This might be the no brain cells episode. This is definitely the no brain cells episode. Holy shit. I'm deciding how bad I want to get. Get bad. Yeah, let's just dive right in. So this first one, I don't even know if it needs a trigger. I don't know. Yeah, that's how I felt about mine. But you know what? It's like technically like –

In life, a lot of things need trigger warnings. I know. We don't always get them. So we don't know. Because my trigger could be – Exactly. Right. That's where I'm at. So this one is like it's a medical thing. So I don't know. Okay. All right. Am I the asshole for having a trashy piercing while pregnant? I'm having my first baby soon and my OBGYN is on vacation. I tried to make sure I had all my questions asked before she went out, but I'm not sure

But something came up this week and I figured I would just ask the on-call doctor. When I got to the clinic for my checkup, the nurse came in and after the usual, I asked if I could talk to the on-call doctor. She said they were running behind and might not be able to see me today. So she asked me what the problem was and said she could help or determine if I really needed to talk to the on-call doctor.

Also worth noting, maybe, I don't remember ever talking with this nurse previously. I asked her what I should do about my CHP, which is a not safe for work area piercing I've had for six plus years. She looked at me blankly, so I elaborated. She then kind of rolled her eyes and told me she wasn't getting the on-call doc to ask about that and I would need to figure out what to do with my body jewelry on my own.

Is this where I think it is? So a CHP piercing is a clitoral hood piercing. Yes, yes. I told her I would really like to get the doc's take on it, so I was going to need her to ask or let me talk to the doctor. She went on the computer for a minute and typed a bit and then said that I need to just take it out, and that's what the clinic protocol said.

I asked her if I could put a retainer in to keep it safe to replace it after birth, and she told me I should take the opportunity to, quote, "...let go of trashy piercings and leave it since I was becoming a mom."

I was shocked. That is rude. When I told my friends about it, most of them were shocked too. But another friend who was studying to be a nurse said it was rude of me to make her uncomfortable and would be wrong of me to report her or anything because it's not her job to have to listen to unsolicited information about kinky stuff. And I was violating her consent in that conversation, which is something that happens too often to medical workers.

With that context, I started wondering if I was the asshole. Should I have called my piercer instead? Was I out of line asking her such a personal question and pressing for an answer when she clearly didn't approve? Okay. This is an interesting one. I don't think she's the asshole, and I think that the medical professional –

Yeah.

hate going to the gynecologist and I know this is an OBGYN but like even just that acronym like triggers me so it's kind of funny that you chose that because like I was saying my triggers may not be other people's triggers but this was your trigger this was my trigger like actually um

I think that's such an inappropriate response. I've been shamed by a gynecologist. Same. And so – Or, well, he wasn't a gyno, but same. Like a doctor that looked at my vagina. So same. Yeah. Mine was a woman. But –

And that was so – like that stuck with me and that was scarring and that might play into why I'm like so traumatized by those doctors. But in this case, like to have that response, I'm sure you're navigating pregnancy and that can be scary enough and this is supposed to be like a resource for you. And to feel like you asked a question that was out of line, you weren't exposing her to something kinky. You were exposing her to – first of all, that's a body part that involves the reproductive like body part. Yes. They're no stranger to that anatomy. Yeah.

And I don't know. I think that that's ridiculous. And she was just asking a question that's totally fair game. I completely agree. The stuff that like I've encountered, like you don't know what you're going to encounter as a healthcare professional. Like I have patients come in that have just had a massive stroke and they need help, like nursing needs help changing them, wiping them, like

You don't know what you're going to encounter. And that's a body. That is a body. That is someone's body. What they choose to do to it is none of your goddamn business. That's that. So you just treat them. You treat them as the person that they are and you don't judge. That was so icky. Like that gave me the ick. That was just instantly like, who are you? Right. And you know what?

And I've, correct me if I'm wrong here, but I feel like they sexualized her piercing. They did. Completely. And maybe it is a sexual piercing, but that wasn't up to them to do that. She didn't say like, I have this piercing for sexual purposes. I have, she didn't say that. She just said, this is the piercing. This is where it is. And then they made it a kinky thing. Who had, why is it a kinky thing? Nobody sexualized it. No. Until the medical professional did.

Exactly. It's not, it was so like the way she phrased it, can I put a retainer in to keep it safe until after birth? Like the way that she talked about it was like medical grade talk. It's body jewelry. It wasn't like, hey, I have this piercing on my clit. For this and this. Above my clit. Yeah. No. It's so strange to me. No. And I would definitely report her. I think there's a lot of

Like from my experience in healthcare, there's a lot of medical providers that go unchecked. Yeah. And I think it's, this is fair. Like this is a very judgmental person that needs to be reprimanded a little bit. I agree. I don't like that.

Yeah. One of the top comments, that's not how any of this works. If you don't want to hear about body parts, don't work in the medical field. Yeah, exactly. Especially that office. Especially that field. Make it make sense. That doesn't make any sense. Not the asshole. Your question was totally reasonable. And she sucks for implying that a piercing is somehow inappropriate for a mother to have. Bingo. That's another thing I wanted to touch on.

Yes, I totally forgot about that. I think there's a lot of stigmatizations between piercings and motherhood. Piercings and other things. But yeah, piercings because that's what this thread is about. Like why does – why can't she have that piercing when she's a mother? I don't get it.

It's... Okay, let me show you what it looks like. Uh-oh. No, it's like... It's... I feel like it's not... You could just Google this. Yeah. CHP piercing for anyone that wants to Google it themselves because I will not be putting this one in the YouTube. No. In fear it gets demonetized. These ones are infected. Demonetized. These ones are infected. I will not show you that one. So it's this. It's like the little flap above. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I mean...

I don't know. Like maybe it rubs and provides like sensation. Yeah, it must. I don't know enough about it. I don't either. I wonder if Google would tell me. Okay. Let's find out, I guess. The more you know, people. Yeah. Any glands or clitoral hood piercing can enhance pleasure for your partner by also creating slight stimulation against their genitals. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Okay. So teach their own.

I'm scared of getting anything pierced besides my ears. So like kudos to her for even like her. She's got some big ovaries on her. Yeah. But yeah, that's stigmatizing what a mother can and can't do or wear on their body. I don't know why entering motherhood means she must abandon this like – especially something so like private. Yeah.

The general public doesn't know that she has that pierced. No idea. Also, I don't think a clitoral hood piercing is going to affect a watermelon coming out of her vagina. Yeah. Well, you think she shouldn't remove it before labor? I think she should. I would put like a tiny retainer in if it's like a barbell or something. Like it depends on what she has in. But again, this is a question that should have been left for the on-call doctor. Yes. It's a legitimate question. This is a legitimate question that that judgy bitch-ass little nurse wouldn't give her the opportunity to do it.

I had a surgery and had a piercing that was in the way of that body part. I would not call my piercer. They're not a doctor. I wouldn't call them. I'd call the doctor and be like, do I need to remove this for said MRI or whatever? Not call my person an ink monkey in Venice and be like, hey. I mean, maybe like

use them as a resource. But if I want the official like medical grade answer, I'm going to go to the medical professional. She did everything right. Yeah. She did everything right. I agree. But I think there is like a lot to be said about that where there isn't a lot of knowledge on like piercings and stuff where it's like up until recently, I thought like if you had your nipples pierced, you couldn't breastfeed. And so that's not true. You can take them out and you're, you know, you might... Good to go. You're good to go. So it's just, it's

Not always though. I will say that some people – because I did research on it. But some people do have issues. But then again, it's a correlation causation thing. Like –

Well, did you have a prior pregnancy where you were able to breastfeed? Because if you don't have that data point, then you maybe were always going to have issues with or without a piercing. Exactly. Your ducts might not be right from the get-go. Maybe you're the exception, not the rule. Correct. So yeah, I don't know. This one just – I'm like really, really annoyed at the nurse. And like OP responded to that comment and was like, that was kind of my thought. Like I guess it feels there is implied consent to talk about vaginas at vaginal

The vagina doctor. Wait, what? That shouldn't even be up for debate. I think her friend got weird about it. The fact that her friend was like, you were violating her consent in that conversation by talking about kinky stuff. It's not kinky. It's a piercing on a body part that is directly correlated to where the baby's going to come out of. Yeah. What? I don't understand. The friend is kind of weird. And that happens all too often in medical workers. Yeah.

I personally, and this is my experience, and if you have had something like this happen where your consent as a medical worker has been violated, please comment and tell me the situation because I generally want to know. Yeah, that is true. But as I'm racking my brain right now, I haven't had an experience where my consent was violated. Unless someone's trying to grab your ass or cop a feel, then maybe, but like...

I haven't, I haven't experienced that. Like nothing a patient tells me would make me feel violated. Like I'm asking those questions typically, like how's intimacy with your partner? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like how do you wipe your butt? How do you get in and out of the shower? Like how do you get dressed? Does your partner help you get dressed? I'm asking weird questions. So like nothing my patient could tell me or there's no question that I can think of

Unless it was personal about me. Yeah, I keep – I'm racking my brain thinking like – But if it has to do with them, that's not violating like my consent. Like that's them asking me a question where they are genuinely like genuinely seeking an answer so that I can help them. Right. I think that's a big part too is like the motive. Like the motive behind this question wasn't to make anyone feel uncomfortable. It was a genuine legitimate question pertaining to having like a safe pregnancy. I know. It just makes me feel bad. It makes me feel bad that like

She felt so judged and like she didn't have a safe space at her doctor. Yeah, that is – I can speak from experience on that one. Not feeling like your doctor is a safe place is such a bad feeling. It's something I've struggled with like with my thyroid for years trying to find a good doctor and not someone that like looks at me like I'm cuckoo. So it's just so frustrating especially where like – Especially when it comes to like the female anatomy. It's already – it's tough enough trying to navigate. Like I –

It was that time of the month recently and I was with a girlfriend and I was asking her like about questions about it because I have a very irregular cycle, very regular. We've talked a lot about this.

And so it's like I'm 20, almost 28 years old, and I still have questions about my own cycle and my own anatomy and my own hormones. And so it's like you're going to these resources that you're told are there for you to support you and help you. And if they're making you feel shamed, then where do you go? Google? No. Your friend? Sure. But they're not professionals. So I don't know. I think that's like the most frustrating part about like working in the medical field. Like

I saw this one guy and he was a Hispanic gentleman. And so there was already like a language barrier. And so I was working with him and I had a translator. Like I always use translation services because I wasn't going to do them an injustice of not having like the best care they could. Yeah. And so I always had the translator in and the doctor interrupts my session. And I'd already known this man had a stroke. Like I had looked at the MRI. I already knew what was going on with him, but a doctor hadn't talked to him. So I can't tell him that.

So the doctor walks in and goes, yep, so you've had a stroke. And he was like, what? And like was breaking down in tears trying to ask these questions. And the doctor was like, you should have eaten better. You should have done this. Did you take your blood pressure medication? You've had a stroke. Wow. And like left him like in tears and just like took off without answering his questions. That's so fucked up. And it's like this man had just like a – he just experienced a life-altering –

medical event. Yeah. And- Has questions. Has questions. And you're going to do him a disservice like that? Like he didn't bring in a translator? No. And I had a translator going. He could have used my translator. Wow. He didn't even use my translator. That's so, that's disgusting. It's like- That's- And it was so sad. Like his stroke, he was pretty affected. And like, it was just me and he was a bigger guy. And I always tried to do like stands with my patients just to see what level they were at. And he was-

He was bigger. And so I did a stand, just little me. And I got him up and he like didn't believe me that I could do it. He was like, no, no, no, no, no. We can't do it. We can't do it. I'm like, I got it. Yeah. We're going to do it. We're going to stand. It's going to be good. Did he stand? And he stood. Wow. And he literally looked at me. He's like, he started crying again. He's like, thank you. Oh my gosh. No, my heart. I know. This is making me miss OT. Yeah, this is sad. Ah!

I was wondering if you miss OT as you were telling the story. I do. So that's kind of crazy. I really do. I just like really like wholeheartedly wanted to invest like everything into the podcast. And I'm very happy with my decision, but I definitely need to like get back. Get that fix. I need to get the fix. I need to get back into it in some way. And so. Yeah.

There's ways. I don't know what that will be. I have some ideas for you. Okay, good. Okay, good. Hey there, it's Ryan Seacrest for Safeway. Take care of yourself this summer and save on all your personal care favorites. Now through August 27th, save up to $3 or more when you purchase participating personal care items like Pampers Wipes.

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Are you ready for your turn? Yeah. Okay. Ready for your turn. I'm excited. Yay. Okay. Let me pull this bad boy up. Are we ready? I'm so ready. Okay. My uncle flirts with me and my parents think that's okay. Okay.

I live with my parents during these trying times. Background. My uncle has mental illness, which is why he flirts with me, my cousins, and all the ladies in my family. If you ask him to stop, he will not, no matter how many times you ask or point out, hey, that's not appropriate. He has always been medicated properly while around my family. I think the flirting is a delusional behavior. I grew up mostly unaware that he was flirting with me or being inappropriate because things go over my head.

Last 10 years, I've been noticing because I started being kinder to him when he told me how he lost his virginity when I was driving somewhere alone with him. He also started being more sexual about his flirts to me in front of my parents, family, and whoever was around at that time. I told my parents about it, and they didn't believe it was that bad or that big of a deal despite witnessing it. It didn't really matter for four years because I lived in a different city away from my parents."

Today, I avoid the fuck out of him because that's creepy and I don't want to be around that. My parents know that I don't like him. Well, my uncle just got out of the hospital and is not on his normal medication. Despite having other places to stay, my dad feels that it's his responsibility to have him over for a week since he takes care of his financial stuff.

Okay.

So far, I'm avoiding all of them and holding myself up in my room. I'm sneaking around my own house uncomfortable AF for a week because my uncle sexually flirts with me. He doesn't stop when asked. My parents don't think it's a big deal and didn't even let me know that he was coming over. This is a terrible situation to be in. It's awkward because her parents, she's gone to her parents. She's told them about it and they still allow the uncle to come around. Yeah, they don't care. And they blame it on mental illness. Yes.

Which, yes, like I understand mental illness could be the sole and only cause of this behavior. However, it doesn't mean that you need to subject yourself to it. And as her parents, if she's living at home, it's their duty and responsibility to protect her, their child. Exactly. It's not their responsibility to...

care for this uncle. As much as you want to, and if you do have the ability to care for him or you're trying to care for him or whatever, you need to still make sure your daughter is accommodated first and foremost. Bingo. You want the uncle to stay with you for a week to make sure he's doing okay, then you better make other arrangements for your daughter or give her adequate heads up so she can stay with friends, get her a hotel, an Airbnb, whatever it is. She shouldn't suffer

For his sake. Right. And I think what's hard about this too is she says like my dad feels it's his responsibility. This is family. Yeah. So it's so tough and it's like they say there's like that statistic that like people are sexually abused I think more often by like someone they know than a stranger. Yep. So I think with family it's like people make jokes about like a funny uncle but like that's very real. Yeah. And also like

not something to be downplayed when your kid is clearly coming to you about this and expressing that. No, you're just putting her more and more at risk. And that's something my dad actually dealt with is like, he had this kooky uncle. Everyone's just like, oh, just brush him off.

He's inappropriate. Funny uncle. He makes sexual jokes. Yep. Kooky uncle boomy. Yeah. The name. And literally it came out years later. No way. That he sexually assaulted his daughter. No. Like terrible, terrible, terrible things came out. And my, everyone was like rocked because they were like, they never saw it coming. They were just like, he was just kooky. But it's like,

That could be this. Like, who knows what has happened when she was little and doesn't remember? Like, you just don't, you don't need to open up yourself to that. And why would you put your kid in that bad situation? And mental illness, again, there's so many different types and ways it manifests.

But as a parent, your responsibility and your loyalty, your diligence should be to your child. Right. Bingo. And one of the top comments. And, like, I think you make a good point. Like, this could be attributed to mental illness, right? It could be. But, like, it still doesn't make it okay that the behavior is, you know –

directed sexually at... She doesn't say her age, so I don't know if she's a minor, but it doesn't matter. No. It's unwarranted passes. And it sounds like the parents haven't reprimanded him at all. Right. That's what I'm... Exactly. It sounds like they haven't stepped in when...

The dad, that's your brother. Yeah. He's going to respect you the most. Right. Step in. Step in. Say, hey, I love you. This isn't inappropriate. Right. I get you might be – you might have these urges or these things that you just feel you need to say. But we need to work on this. Yeah. Or you cannot come around. I will check in on you outside of my home, away from my family. Right. I love you, but it ain't working. Right. So one of the top comments says –

This is not mental illness. Again, they're assuming we were leaving it up for debate, but I've seen stuff like this where people, yeah, this is not mental illness. He is acting perverted and is possibly a predator. All it takes is for a moment for him to be alone with you and hurt you either mentally or physically keyword mentally.

Explain to your parents how he makes you feel uncomfortable. If they allow him to stay, document and record everything he says, does to you. Also try to stay with a friend or family if needed. I would start recording everything. That's what a lot of people hear said. Voice notes. Voice notes on your phone. I would be so fucking direct with my parents every time I'm around him because like she's already made it clear it's going to be as minimal as possible. Right. Record it. Yeah. And I would make a fucking compilation. Compilation. Yeah.

of every single fucking thing he says to me. And I would say, love you. We're going to sit down, mom and dad. Let's have a little show and tell. This is the bullshit I've been dealing with. But you know what's crazy is he's done it in front of her parents and family. So it's not even like, why does she have to build this case? They've seen it. It sounds like they're just looking away. And so then the OP responds to that comment saying,

And unfortunately, I don't think my parents get it. I sat down with them and I told them like a year ago that he acts like this and he's been doing this for years and I wasn't okay with it. I told him I don't like it when he's over. This work gets toxic. My mom said that I'm lucky it wasn't as bad as how her dad when he was alive. And my dad's been there nearly every time he acts inappropriate.

That part is so sad because this is where we're living in this Me Too era. And for your mom to be like, you're lucky it's not as bad as how my dad was, that is so hurtful. Disgusting. Disgusting. Like the ick. Like now it's okay. It's almost like a...

She was like big dicking her. I don't know what the better way to say that is without making it sexual. No, but it's almost gaslighting in a way where she's like, well, I had to deal with this. So what you're dealing with isn't nearly as bad. Right. And like as a parent, you think it would have been the opposite because my mom opened up to me recently that she was raped when she was young. And that's why like

My mom and dad did not let me go anywhere with strangers. They were super cautious about whose house I got to sleep over at. Yeah. They went above and beyond to make sure I didn't have an experience like that, like what my mom went through. And so it's so unfortunate that her mom took that stance versus being like, I went through that. I'm so sorry. Let's fix this. Right. You are never going to have to be alone with him again. Mm-hmm.

I will shut it down. Just terrible. It's like that saying that as a parent, you don't want the life that you had. You want them to have a, your child have a better life. And it's like, you would think you'd be like, I remember being traumatized and scared and embarrassed by this growing up. I want to make sure that my daughter doesn't have to deal with that same. Yeah. But that's where the generational trauma comes in. I know. And just generational trauma is something that is so, um,

Crazy to me. It literally alters our DNA. It changes us. You know, I also just realized that they don't specify their gender. Oh, they don't?

So it could be – So I don't know. And sexual assault, like it happens to little boys. I thought they did at some point. Yeah. She has I am female in her bio. Okay. Perfect. So this is a female. Yeah. But with that said, I was like, I'm curious because a male could be writing this. That's another thing. We shouldn't assume that it is female just because their uncle is making these passes. In this case, we do know it's a female. Yeah.

But I mean, it's just, this is so sad because it goes to show that like objectively this is all wrong. But when family gets involved, it's like things get cloudy and you're like, well, it's your uncle. It's my brother. We got to take him in. He's got mental illness. Like,

And everyone just kind of like downplays the fact that these sexual like – whether it be comments, actions, insinuations, they're uncomfortable. They're not okay. And just because something hasn't quote unquote happened doesn't mean that this is okay. No. And should be allowed. It's really sad because –

A lot of families don't take care of their family members with mental illness. So on one hand, it's nice to see them like making sure he's okay and ensuring his safety, his health, whatever. Right. But it shouldn't happen at the expense of their child. Yep. And so it's...

It's a fucked up situation that I don't like. It makes me feel icky. I know. And it's going to keep me up tonight. Oh, my God. I'm sorry, you guys. I know these are such heavy topics, but the theme was ick. And it's icky. It's gross. It's uncomfortable. I didn't realize we were going to be unpacking a lot of uncomfortable themes, but they kind of just arise in the stories. Yeah. I just – there's not a lot of words for these stories. Other than ick. Other than ick. And ew. Ew. Ew.

And we changed the title from ew and ick, gave me the ick, to it's going to keep you up at night because we're in a fucking bed. So, ah! Wow. Okay. Moving along. Moving along. Okay. Let's get a quick one in. All right. A rapid fire. Rapid fire. What do they call that? A lightning round. Oh, I like that. To a lightning round.

Am I the asshole for asking the bride if my three-year-old can wear white to a wedding? Interesting concept. I'm really torn by this. My brother, 31, is about to be married. I, 33 male, am one of the groomsmen. My wife had informed me that our daughter, three, will be wearing a white dress to the wedding. I wasn't sure if this was appropriate as it is mainly brides and flower girls who wear white.

My wife didn't care if any little girls wore white at our own wedding and others that she knows says they don't care either. My daughter will be the only child attending amongst about 80-ish guests as she is the only grandchild in either family. There are no flower girls or page boys participating in the wedding. I try to be considered as possible.

As obviously it's not my wedding. So I asked my brother whether there's an issue with it. And he says there will be. White is strictly for the bride, which I respect. Her wedding, her rules, and I don't want any drama.

What?

I am fine to go get another dress, but now it seems like she won't back down out of principle. I feel like I did the right thing, but by my wife's reaction, it makes it seem like it wasn't. Am I the asshole for checking with the bride and groom? No. Okay. This one is like I flip-flopped so much throughout, not because I'm like, oh, he's the asshole. I don't think he's the asshole. But what I'm flip-flopping between is I'm like –

It's a three-year-old. Okay. It's a three-year-old. But then why does a three-year-old need to be wearing white? They don't fucking care what they're in. They don't fucking care. They're not going to remember. It doesn't matter. Put her in baby pastel pink. It pretty much looks white in photos. My question is all this drama over what the three-year-old who couldn't give a fuck what she's going to wear. The three-year-old's a girl, right? Yeah. Okay. Couldn't give a fuck. Okay.

And you are like throwing hands over her outfit. Can't she wear any other color, literally? Any other color. But then on the flip, I'm like, okay, but if I'm a bride, right? I have gotten married, so I don't know what that's like. But if I were to get married and I were to be a bride, I'm thinking I wouldn't care if a little baby, the only baby at the party is wearing white.

care the baby's not gonna upstage me i don't think maybe it might but like that's besides the point who cares i don't know i think it's it would be different she's not having any flower girls right and so it's kind of like well that's typically like the little flower girls also wear a beautiful white dress so i think it would have been different and maybe that's why the wife is so pissed because she doesn't have flower girls because she didn't get asked to be a flower girl

That could be. And so maybe this is her like, fuck you. I'm going to put her in white anyways. I don't think the wife is acting out over principle. I think the wife is acting out over pride. I think there's a difference between pride and principle here. That could be. Because I don't see a – what's the principle? Let my baby wear white? True. What's the principle? I don't know. I don't know. There's some pride maybe, but like I don't think it's a matter of I need to stand up for my baby out of principle. What do you mean? Your baby didn't –

declare it needs to wear white. No. And your husband did the right thing. I think he did the right thing. I'd rather check and do an outfit change before the wedding... Than make an ass of yourself on the day? Than show up and risk a bridezilla moment. We don't know. Yep. You know? And then now you sour... I don't know. This is how it should be done. Like, I would...

I don't know. I think that's a courteous thing to do. This is how it should be done. Yeah. Truly. This is like the best way to go about it. I don't understand her reasoning. It's weird to me. Put her in a different color. Yeah. The kid isn't going to care. The kid is going to literally sit on a bench, a chair, a church pew, whatever, watching like Peppa Pig or Blue's Clues. Literally on an iPad. On an iPad. Like that's the only way to keep the kid happy during all this boring ass adult stuff. So-

Put the kid in something cute and comfortable. Like I said, pastels. Put it in anything. Like... Like, why? Why white? Why do people... Unless there's a significance behind it that we're missing. None. I don't see why the baby needs to be in white. No. And it's the fact, like...

Also, this is the only kid that's allowed to be there slash has the opportunity to be there because there are no other grandkids. This is the only child. Yeah. This isn't her quinceañera. This isn't some baptism. Right. But then on the flip, I'm like,

Why does it really matter? Would you be mad if a baby showed up in white? I think, well, yeah, yeah. Would you? Well, I will have flower girls. Okay, but pretend you're this bride. I'd be annoyed. You'd be annoyed if a baby shows up in white?

Because she's going to be in family pictures. So yeah, I'd be annoyed. You'd be mad if a baby showed up to your wedding in white. Yeah. I can't even say it without laughing. I'm sorry. No, it sounds petty. But I think why I picked this for an ew, the wife gives me the ew. Calling him out after it, calling him all sorts of names. You're going to fight your partner on this? Yeah. Just pick...

Dress. Yeah. Why do people make mountains out of molehills? Yeah. Yeah. That is so true. Pick a new dress. Pick your battles. Like this is not one. I want to personally send this baby a new dress. Like just wear – yeah, let's look at some baby dresses. I'm messaging right now. Any baby dress brands listening, if you've got a cute ass dress for a wedding that's not white, let us know.

Hi there. I would love to send your baby a new dress for the wedding. Compliments of two hot takes. Yeah. And it won't be white, winky face. It won't be white, but we'll be cute. Yes, absolutely. It'll be cute. It'll be so cute. We'll leave it at that. Okay. All right. Less is more. Less is more.

We'll see if he responds. Okay. Craziness. Absolute craziness. I don't know. That one's tough, but I think the bottom line is, no, the husband is not the asshole. He did the right thing. He was taking the temperature of the bride, correct thing to do in advance, and it was a no, and now you can act accordingly. Don't show up with your baby in white. Now you're being a huge asshole. Yeah. If you show up with your baby in white knowing that the bride was not going to want

Yeah. Or like, I'm sorry. Whoa. A baby in white. Not a white baby. A baby in white. Honestly, no.

I don't know. I just like – this is like, again, it's so petty, so dumb. Yeah. But it's just icky. Like I think we come at this again and again. Like the white on a wedding day is for the bride. Right. That's correct. Or a flower girl that the bride picks. I didn't know that, by the way. Yeah. So the flower girl can wear white. I've never noticed that. Yeah. Oh, my God. I had the most beautiful little dress as my violin.

Dad's flower girl. You're a flower girl? Yeah. Oh, cute. I think twice. Once for sure. I've never been a flower girl. Oh, do you want to be mine? Yeah. Can I be your flower girl? No, bitch. You're going to be in the wedding. I can be both.

Throw the flowers and then run up? I actually have – I saw a Reddit story where a bride asked her grown friend to be her flower girl. Didn't we read it? No, but I wish. I'm having my own Mandela effect. I love that. That's kind of fun. You don't think so? I feel like it's kind of a slap in the face as like a 30-year-old because I think she was supposed to walk down the aisle with a little boy as like a ring bearer. Okay. And they were like, you'd be the – I don't know. I don't think it's a slap in the face, but –

So don't ask you to be my flower girl. I'm kidding. I would never. I would politely decline. Politely bow out. Okay.

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Visit Safeway.com for more details. Okay, let's get back into this. My boyfriend is mad that I don't want to get a boob job. Okay. So I, female 20, have been with a guy, let's call him John, male 34, for almost four months.

We first met just before my 18th birthday, but only started going out shortly after my 20th. I was at his place today to watch a hockey game and made an offhanded comment that when I was younger, I wanted a boob job because I didn't like that my breasts were big and uneven. The back pain I would get from them and how I hated that they seemed to make guys over sexualize me. Maybe this one actually might attack me.

Without looking away from the TV, John said that I should get a boob job as uneven boobs were a massive turn off. Oh, immediately now. And that my boobs were so big to the point that they were, quote, kind of gross. Oh, oh my gosh. I'm triggered. And part of why he had gotten fully – and part of why he hadn't gotten fully intimate with me yet. He has –

I'm sorry. He has seen me in just bras and straight topless, and I have gone down on him, but we haven't had penetrative sex and he won't go down on me. I just laughed awkwardly and said I wasn't in a place to be able to drop a few thousand dollars on a boob job. John shrugged and said he could and would pay for my boob job. I told John that I honestly didn't know if I wanted a boob job anymore. That was a 14 through 16 year old me who was insecure about having

parentheses, what seemed like the biggest chest in her grade. And that 20-year-old me was more confident and kind of liked her boobs. Minus when I have to find a bra that actually fits me in both cup and band and the unwanted attention I get sometimes, LOL. John then got mad, like really mad. He slammed his beer can on the table and called me a selfish bitch for not considering his preference, especially since he's offering to pay for the surgery.

When I said that I didn't want one right now, or maybe ever, he kicked me out of his house at 10 p.m. on the opposite end of the city of my house, saying that he needs some time apart from me. I ended up catching one of the last buses home, and the entire bus ride he'd been texting me testimony from people who had gotten boob reductions and evened them out, and telling me to, quote, look how happy they are.

He seemed so mad when he kicked me out, but the text, he's calling me baby and kitten and just texted me the kiss emoji saying he's sorry for yelling at me and that he had just too, and that he had just had too much to drink. He had been drinking a lot and asking if we're still on for tomorrow's lunch date. So honestly, I don't really know where we stand right now.

All of this was so angering on so many different levels. Disgusting. Your boyfriend – boyfriend, I'm saying that in air quotes because I don't even know if you're still dating after this charade. Ew.

This guy's an asshole. I'm sorry, what? It is absolutely up to you what you want to do to your body, let alone an elective procedure that is... I mean, I understand for some people, boob jobs are aesthetic. For some people, they are like something that they feel like they need if they have back pain or if they have any type of discomfort with their chest size. I totally get it. But at the end of the day, that is still your choice. It is a personal choice.

it's not he who has to walk around with huge boobs on his chest. Like, I think that that is so inappropriate. It doesn't matter if he's like, oh, I'm going to pay for it. Like, I don't care. Someone comes up to me and they're like, oh, I want to pay for you to get butt implants. I'd be like, cool. Keep your money because I don't want butt implants. Go fuck yourself. Just because you're paying for them doesn't mean that I want them. And I think that what made me really sad is because I have struggled with body image issues. I still do, especially when it comes to like

you know, like feeling confident and like, I just hit myself with the mic, feeling like, you know, attractive and sexual and all those things. And so for her to say, I actually embraced my body after- I like my body now. I like my body now. I feel like I, you know- That's what made me the saddest. That's what made me sad. And for somebody who is your boyfriend, not even just a guy that you're hooking up with, your boyfriend, to make you basically question that and now feel insecure is

That is heartbreaking. He probably isn't the one for you. I would personally not be in a relationship with anybody who is trying to govern what I should do to my body, one. No chance.

smaller boobs. So smaller, even boobs. And then maybe he'll go down on you. Maybe you will have sex. To me, that is so messed up. I can't even believe that this is her boyfriend. I'm like appalled. It's terrible. I think body issues is one of the hardest things to deal with, like mental health, body issues. I think body issues can cause eating disorders. They can be very debilitating. They can

I mean, they can ruin your life and cause you to be discriminated against. Like I just, there's so many, there's so much to be said about that. So yeah, it really made me sad that she was like, I kind of, I like where I'm at. And it's also like,

Find someone who also likes where you're at. Like, my boobs are huge. They're uneven. I'm getting stretch marks because they're so fucking heavy. I do want a reduction, but it's like, it's something that's still scary for me. It is a massive surgery. So for him to get mad, like, oh, I'm paying for it. It's still a massive surgery. That's another thing that shouldn't be understated. With elective surgeries, there's always a risk. Going under anesthesia is a risk. There's always a risk.

this is a procedure. It's not like a quick general anesthesia. You go all the way under. So for him to put pressure on her for something that... Also, surgeries have complications. So many. Surgeries could go wrong. You sign a waiver. You sign away your life. You could have a massive stroke. Yeah. You could have blood clots and they could go to your heart or your brain. Yeah. I think you nailed it though. It's like

You should be with someone who it's kind of like likes you as you are, loves you as you are, embraces you as you are. Yeah. Not what, you know, you could look like or, you know, Alejandra, if you maybe like got some highlights and maybe like got, you know,

like a, what's it called these days? Brazilian butt lift. And you would be stunning. And like that, I'd be so attracted to you. Well, guess what? I don't have those things. So maybe you should go find somebody who looks like that. I like the way that I look and I want to be with someone who's like, oh my gosh, you're the girl of my dreams. Your body is amazing. I love your body. Like you are perfect. Do not change anything. If you want to change something, I will support you, but you don't need, I'm not going to pressure you to. No, that is,

mind-blowing so unhealthy to me yeah um so i had it saved before i have no idea what the update says but there's updates okay yay oh god i hope the update is not like i got it i got it i'm no i mean i'm so scared i hope i hope she didn't do it i hope she's just not with him yeah that's like the best but i hope she didn't get the procedure yeah and unless she wanted to but like unless she wanted to like we've said this whole time like she does

I am all for plastic surgery. Period. I am all for aesthetic enhancements if they're safe, whatever. That is not the issue. I am not like, how dare he suggest that. It is, you should never plant the seed in somebody else's mind that they need to get a procedure or a surgery or any type of altering of their image for the sake of your attraction. That is what is making me so upset here. Period. Period. Period.

Okay. Let's hear the update. Okay.

books again. I didn't give him my age at the time, but a few weeks later when I turned 18, he saw the Snapchat thing they add to your profile picture and asked me, so I told him it was my 18th. I'm somewhat close to my parents and my brother, but not so close as they know I'm with someone. When I'm with him, I just tell my parents that I'm with a friend or at school or work. Some of my closer friends know I'm dating him and the age difference, but most think it's hot or okay because nothing happened until I was already 20, which I did as well.

On to the update update. I'd been hoping that this was just a misunderstanding and that you guys would help us resolve it. So to see so many people dropping the word abuse and abusive surprised me. But after sleeping on it and reading so many of your comments, I realized I am, as some of you rightfully put it, dumb, young, and immature.

Before John, I'd never been with anyone and maybe that's a part of why I liked him. He was already experienced in life and never seemed to treat me like I wasn't at his level. He called me mature and self-assured. I guess playing into that not like other girls concept. I'll be honest, I really did like how he treated me. The pet names and compliments he gave always made me feel happy. I never really saw a striking up a friendship

as wrong because it wasn't sexual or romantic in nature until well after I'd become legal and I was so close to 18 when we first met, as some of you pointed out, that might have just been him working on grooming and manipulating me. Some of you also said that it was only the first request, that if we continued, he'd keep asking me to change things about me, and fuck, I do not want that. I don't want to have to change things about me in order to get someone to stay with me, so that was very eye-opening.

Oh my gosh, queen. I'm sorry.

What a strong queen. You are not immature, honey. This doesn't give me the ick anymore. No. Now it's in the wrong category. Yes. It's been a few days and I'll be honest, a part of me misses him, which I know is dumb, but I've taken your advice and blocked him on everything. So yep, we are over 100% done. Hey. Wait, that is like the best. I could not have even written a better update if I wanted to. I love this for her. She's incredible. Do you know how hard it is to-

Block somebody and not be curious about what they said, like especially immediately after a breakup. The freaking – Self-control? Confidence, self-assurance, boldness. This woman is so confident and I love it. I love this for her. Like she chose herself over him.

I love this. At 20, I would not have had this ability in me at 20. I talk a big game now because I'm fucking 28. Like, I get like so many messages like, you're so strong that you didn't text your boyfriend back. Like,

Okay, I was 20. No, you were. 21. No, you've always been pretty. That was a baddie. But I don't know if I would have recognized this as earlier as like wholeheartedly as she did. That's a very like vulnerable age. Very vulnerable. And like for your first relationship, I think I was able to not text my ex back when he dumped me because of the fact I had gone through other relationships. Okay. Yeah.

She hasn't really. Like this is her first real one. So for her to be like, no, I know I deserve better. He loved Bobby. He treated me like shit. The fact he doubled down when they remet, when they met back up and was like, have you reconsidered it? Yeah. What? The audacity. The audacity. I'm so happy for her. Yeah. Incredible. And now this is in the wrong category. I know. But it gave us, he gave us the ick. He did give us the ick. She gives us the yes. Yeah. The yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I was – the opposite of ick is yum, but we can't really like – Yeah. So yummy. We're not going to sexualize her. No. But – Very proud of her. So happy. I love that though. That's awesome. That is such a tricky – that's a tricky story because like there are so many relationships where we don't even realize that we're subconsciously putting our own –

Like we're projecting onto the other person of like what we want, our wants, our ideals. And we're making – you know what I mean? It's incredible though. It takes a lot of strength at any age, let alone a younger age of 19, 20. And mind you, he's an older man and he's kind of like – kind of asserting a little bit of dominance over her. Like I'll pay for it. Like, yeah, so I feel like you own my body. Like no thank you. Financial abuse. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't –

I didn't pick up on that so much. And now I kind of, I'm like, well, why didn't I? But that is a very, very manipulative tactic. It is. People think it's endearing. It's really not. Oh, my boyfriend offered to pay for my boobs.

That's kind of a slap in the face. I'm not going to lie to you. And how many times have you heard people use that as a flex? Yeah. No. How many times? I don't like the wording, my boyfriend offered to pay for my boobs. I don't know. To me, that gives me the ick. He offered? Is that like a gesture? Yeah. I guess if you were saying, oh, I really want my boobs done. I really want my boobs done. And then he came out and offered it.

But for some reason, it still doesn't sit right with me. Yeah. You know? I don't know what it is. I've always had a problem with that. If it's unprompted and he was like, hey, you want your boobs done? I'll pay for it. That. Ew. That. Ew. Ew. That. I don't like that. If you're talking about it nonstop and you just can't afford it. Yes. Then yeah. Yes. But again.

Yeah, like totally fine. But even then, I don't know what it is. Like to me, it's almost like if I'm complaining about like my weight or something and I'm like, I'm just really unhappy. I'm not feeling like thin. I'm not feeling lean. And then a friend pipes up and she's like, I'll pay for your lipo.

To me, I'm like, I know the intentions are good. But you're making me – you're confirming it. You're confirming that I need something done or that I need to change. That's why I don't like it. And listen, I am not shitting. If your boyfriend is paying for your boobs, get that bad girl. But as long as that's what you want, as long as that is what you wanted, you did not let them plant a seed in your mind that you needed it or that you should have it.

That's what I don't like. Yeah, exactly. I completely agree. I think that's like a very touchy situation to navigate. Yeah. And you hear about all the times. I've heard the opposite too where like, oh, my boyfriend paid for me to get my implants taken out. Oh, I've never heard of that. I've heard that. Ew.

Yeah. I don't like that. Like again, again, control over someone's body. It's control over someone's body. Yeah.

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Am I the asshole for telling my boyfriend he was embarrassing us when he started sobbing in the vet clinic hallway? My female 26, boyfriends, male 30, dog has been sick lately. He took him to the vet to get him looked at and run some tests, and yesterday the vet called us for a quick appointment to talk about the dog's condition. We were told that he had cancer. My boyfriend didn't take it well. He did not even give the vet time to explain to us what was really going on and just had a breakdown.

We exited the office and next thing I know, he dropped on his knees sobbing, literally sobbing. I was shocked because for one, I know his dog is important to him. He has had him for years and so I get this was a lot to take in and cancer is no joke. But what really bothered me was how he handled it. His knees were on the floor and he was sobbing loudly in the hallway, making everyone notice.

Not going to lie, as a woman, I've never even sobbed like that. I felt embarrassed for both of us. I kept trying to get him to go to the car, but he ignored me and kept sobbing. I didn't say anything until later, after we got home, and he calmed down a bit and got some sleep.

When he woke up, I brought up what happened at the clinic and expressed how embarrassing what he did was. He looked at me, shocked, asking if I was serious. And I replied that I didn't mean to seem insensitive, but I really thought he should have gotten a better hold of his emotions and handled this news better, but not sob in the middle of the hallway, causing people to stop and stare.

He lashed out at me, calling me ridiculous and shallow to be worrying about what people think when he was dealing with a traumatic kind of news and trying to process it. I told him he overreacted because it wasn't like the dog had died and seeing him act this way worried me. He doubled down and lashed out again, accusing me of implying that he has mental issues and was acting crazy, but that wasn't what I meant. He told me to leave the room after we got further in the argument and today he's gone quiet.

I honestly felt like I probably should not have brought it up like that given his reaction, but I didn't mean to seem insensitive. Am I the asshole? Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. You are the asshole because it's not up to you to navigate someone else's feelings and their reactions.

This man is potentially going to lose his buddy. Yeah. His little buddy. His companion. I literally just went through this. Like, my dog we just had to put down because of cancer. And if someone would have told me my reaction was unjustified, like, go fuck yourself. Yeah. Who are you to deem that? Go fuck yourself. And also, like, your girlfriend is supposed to support you in that moment. See, I get secondhand embarrassment really easily. So, like, if we're out, like –

Yeah. Yeah. You saw it a little bit recently. Like if we're out and like somebody is- Someone's acting fucking wild. Someone's acting a fool or like- Bouncing off the walls. Yeah. Or just like, I don't know. I just do. It just happens. I'm not super proud of it, but I do. Yeah. But it's up to me to have to manage that. So like if we're out and about and someone just like starts like bawling, hollering or whatever, sobbing, laughing or crying, I'm sorry. Yeah.

My natural knee jerk gut is to get a little secondhand embarrassed. That's just my nature. It's how I'm wired. But I have to intentionally be like, listen, this person's feelings are valid. Who cares what these strangers passing by are like looking, staring, who cares? I need to like honor this person's feelings. This is a bigger issue right now. And I need to tend to that.

don't worry about what people think. And so it's like, but naturally I feel secondhand embarrassment. So even in that moment when he was breaking down crying in the vet office and she's like,

embarrassed she should have put that to the side in the name of being this person's partner and support yeah I mean like how can I support you why don't we like you know mitigate the situation why don't we go somewhere more private I am so sorry you are hurting and I'm hurting too and this is terrible how can I support you should we go somewhere more private more intimate let's go to the car yeah good cry instead of shaming him for like his public display of emotion

Terrible.

Also the fact that like that's the most toxic masculinity response. Yeah, I didn't like that either. Like I don't even cry like that as a girl. Cool, weird flex, but okay. Okay, bro. Do you want a fucking trophy? This is what's wrong with society because we make it seem like men can't cry harder than us. They can cry just as hard and harder than women. There is nothing wrong with that. Let him fucking cry. So, God, I'm going to go off the rails here. Sorry if you've lost a pet recently and this is also very triggering.

But like my mom, they must have like scheduled multiple euthanasias the day. Like my mom had to take my dog in because in the room next to like where they were going in, there was a person that you could audibly hear sobbing. And so it's like, I think in this situation too, anyone that's at that vet clinic,

has either lost a pet before or is going to lose a pet someday. Yeah. So every single person that's going to that clinic. Yeah. Is going to have to experience that. Yes. And empathize. And can empathize, can, can like relate in some way. Yeah. And it's sad. It's,

It's fucked up. And so for her to be like, it's embarrassing that it was like this thing. It's like, no, everyone's going to go through that. Everyone that is there is going to go through that or has already. Or has already. And people express in different ways. So maybe not everyone's going to break down in the vet. When my dog got hit by a car and passed away, my dad, I mean, you met my dad. He's the calmest person you'll ever meet. Just so even keeled.

He got home. He punched a glass door. Oh, my God. Went to the bathroom. Somehow got the toilet lid off the toilet. Shattered it. It was ceramic. This man, Bob, went off the rails when we lost one of our dogs. Oh, my God. So this does things to people. Losing a pet is – Losing a pet is losing a family member. So –

I mean, I just think, yes, she's the asshole. That's the short and skinny. She's an asshole for that. That's unsupportive. It's not helpful. She's now embarrassed. He's already going through enough. The least you could do is at least, I don't know. Support him. Support him. That's all it would have taken. A hand on his back. Get down on the floor with him. Give him a hug. Yeah. That's what I would expect. It's two minutes of your quote unquote embarrassment.

For this man's like pain that he's going through. Who do you think you are? Do you think other people watch you like an MTV show? Yeah. Yeah, true. Do you think you're that special? Yeah. All eyes are on you. No one gives a flying rat's ass about you. That's another thing. Like we often – like I have friends who get so embarrassed. Like I'm not that type of person where I'm like constantly embarrassed by other people. But I do have friends I can think of that like anything you do is embarrassing to them. Like don't do that. We're in public. You know, everything's embarrassing. Yeah.

And those people, I want to be like, listen, not everything's about you. I promise you the world is not just watching you. This restaurant is not all just watching us. No one even notices you. No one's even noticing. People are so focused on themselves that they don't even notice what you're doing. We forget that sometimes. We do. Everyone forgets that. It's the natural narcissism in all of us. Yes. Yeah. I just like

I'm kind of stuttering here. That came up recently, that concept like about photos and I'm like, I hate my arms in photos. And it's like, no one's even looking at your arms. No one looks at your arms until you point them out. No. And don't look at my arms now. Yeah. Okay.

Oh, it's like a lot of people get gym anxiety and they're like, oh, I'm just nervous if I'm not doing the lunges right. Guess what? Everyone there is focused on their own form. You think that until I got on the wrong side of TikTok? Uh-oh. Well, no, no. So I got on the right side of TikTok because the TikTok side I'm on is a guy. He keeps duetting. He's judging women? No, he keeps duetting people's gym videos where they're making fun of other people at the gym.

And he's like, seriously, dude, you're going to call out this woman because she was carrying her jacket around? She clearly walked up to that machine looking nervous. And you're going to take a video of her and call her out? Oh, like you're saying people do watch? Yeah. We don't need to know that. I know. People are disgusting. But most people aren't. Most people don't. I think we can safely say most people aren't observing your every move at the gym. Most. I know when I'm in the gym, I mean –

You do your thing. Jack Harlow could be in the gym and I wouldn't even notice. Take it back. Take it back. Which is heartbreaking. Take it back. I wish I could. Jack Harlow, if we're in the gym together, you have all permission to approach me. But I'm saying like I love Jack Harlow. That is no secret. It wouldn't faze you. But no, no, not that. I mean like I wouldn't even notice because I have such tunnel vision. You're just trying to get your one mode in. I'm just trying to focus on myself.

So anyway. Yeah. I will just point out too, I had like this weird reaction the other night and I think it's why I brought this up. It's like kind of exposure therapy for me maybe right now. But Justin's roommate has a dog and he bought her like ear goggles so she could like go in an airplane. Wait, that's what that's for? Yeah. When is she flying? Soon? Not anytime soon. She's scared of kitchen chairs. So it might take her a while to get in a little plane. Yeah.

But she like had these little ear things on and I was like, I like made a comment. I was like, oh my God, like they're so cute. I was like playing with them on her head. And I was like, bear would not do this. Like bear would have like flipped these off so fast. And I literally go, bear's dead. I was like, oh my God. Like I literally in that moment, cause I haven't been home since. I was like, oh my God, I don't have a dog anymore. Aww.

But – We need to get you a puppy. I just need to foster a dog for a little bit and then I'll get it out of my system. Yeah. And then you'll be like, this is a lot of work. Yeah, exactly. But Justin, like, it was like the most inappropriate time for me to have a breakdown because he's like – he's cutting chicken and his hands are like literally in this raw chicken. And he can't. And he's like, huh. And we know Justin and his cross-contamination. No chance in hell he's touching anything with that chicken on his hand. And it was like the worst possible time. But he's literally like, come here. So like, come here. So you're –

so you can hug me and he like tried to like awkwardly like

You side hugged me. I could picture this so well. And I was just like, that's what you want in a partner. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Not like, God damn it, Morgan. I'm cutting chicken. Now I got to comfort you. This is embarrassing. You got to wash my hands. Yeah. Like your dog's been dead a month. Yeah. Like what? So just like that's, I hope, I hope, hope, hope he breaks up with her. Yeah. Like she is shitty. Also, yeah. No, you're not even being dramatic because how she's handling this is how she's going to handle future traumas. Like-

You know what I mean? What happens when you experience another loss, another grief as a couple, let's just say they get married and she's going to tell him to man up pretty much? Terrible. That's terrible. There's some edits and some comments. So edit this to say that my issue was never about him reacting like that just because he's a man. No, this isn't about that, but it's about the way he reacted. I just did not think it was handled right. That's all.

What? How should it have been handled? Right. You can't tell people how to process emotion. And also, I do show support and the news was devastating to me too since I helped take care of the dog and that bond is there even though it's his dog. Clearly not. Yeah. So top comment, you're the asshole. He obviously cares for his dog a lot. If it was a close family member of yours that had been told the same news and your boyfriend started telling you to suck it up because you're expressing your grief and sadness was embarrassing. Yeah.

Like, dot, dot, dot. OP responds, understandable. And this is not the issue for me. I just thought he could have kept his composure and remained calm for his own well-being. For his own well-being? What, is he less well because he cried?

And came to terms with his emotion? Makes no sense. No sense. Who are you to dictate what's like, what? No. And someone else goes, you're the asshole big time. Finding out your dog has cancer is emotional and people are allowed to react in whatever way they feel. Yeah. You being embarrassed by your partner instead of heartfelt sympathy for what he was going through makes you a really shitty person and significant other. Yeah. OP responds, I get that emotions are processed differently, but

based on my assumption that what happened was somewhat embarrassing given how people reacted. And someone goes, so fucking what? You're never going to see those people again. See, she needs to check herself. In that moment, you need to check yourself. Maybe that feeling of embarrassment, because embarrassment is a feeling too. It's an emotion.

So maybe it was a visceral situation. But you need to check it and be like, push it away. Yeah. Embarrassment comes second to the support that I need to show for this man and his grief and his loss. So we got some other comments from OP that are highlighted. Okay. So...

I don't know what the response is, but it's OP saying, yes, I have experienced grief like this when I lost my father, but I had a breakdown alone at the apartment and in private. I guarantee you I 100% relate and cannot even imagine what he felt at the time, and I'm in no way dismissing his emotions, but I just thought this could have been handled better by him. That is a contradictory... Oh, it's a contradiction. I don't know.

You're not dismissing his emotions? 100% relate, but I wouldn't have done that. Yes. I'm not dismissing you, but not like that. That's what that statement is. I just don't understand...

People are going to ask me, like people have already asked me what the cherry stand for on our new merch. Cherry pickers. This bitch is a cherry picker. She's picking what suits her for her. I 100% relate to that emotion, but- Express that emotion like this. I wouldn't have done it like this. Yeah. Oh, those people are so tough. They can't be pleased. They're moving targets.

She's doing such gymnastics to try to make this justifiable. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. You are an asshole. Do you have to agree? Okay, here's the thing. Do you have to agree that he handled it in the best way that you think? No. So you don't get to play that judge. Support him for the way that he's grieving. Whether in your mind that's the best way, doesn't matter. Best is subjective. Okay.

There is no playbook on how to grieve. There is no playbook on how to process. So be supportive or get the fuck out. Yeah. There's no room for judgment here. Completely, completely agree. Terrible. I'm just like creeping on her page to see if there's any updates like, oops, you guys got your wish, I got dumped. But no, nothing.

So the post about the dad, like where she was like, yes, I have when I lost my father, was to someone being like, you're the asshole. While I'm glad you haven't experienced anything that has sent you into a sobbing fit, you need to understand the situation is not about you. It's about him. And then that's when she was like, yes, I have. I lost my dad. Yeah. Well, guess what? Everyone grieves differently. Terrible. Everybody grieves differently. Ew. Ew. That's why I picked that one. Yeah, that's an icky person. Ew.

Hey there, it's Ryan Seacrest for Safeway. Take care of yourself this summer and save on personal care items at your local store. Now through August 27th, get extra discounts when you purchase participating items like Dove Beauty Bar, Dove Body Wash, Dove Men Plus Care Body Wash or deodorant, Dove Shampoo, Trace-A-May Shampoo and Axe Body Spray. The more you buy, the more you save. Catch these deals before they're gone. Offer ends August 27th. Restrictions apply. Promotions may vary.

Visit Safeway.com for more details. One more, and it's because people have been asking for it. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Do I know about this? It was on an episode with Mr. Jared Freed. I love Jared Freed, by the way. Isn't he a good one? He's so funny. He was hilarious. And I gave him a choice for the last story, and he did not choose this one.

And people were like, where's the story? I want to hear it. Okay. And so I have it. And so here we go. All right. Wife deleted a message from my ex telling me that she was pregnant five years ago. Whoa. Dang. Okay. That's bad. Uh-oh.

It's been almost two weeks since I found out. We've did the test and she's mine. My ex had sent me a message a couple weeks before giving birth telling me about everything. My then girlfriend and present wife saw that my ex sent me a text message and deleted it and then blocked her, apparently without reading it.

X took that as me not wanting to be involved and raised our daughter all alone for five fucking years. Oh my gosh. My daughter is turning five in a month and I haven't even met her. Every time I think about how much I missed out on, I just lose it. I know I must focus on what I've gained instead of what I've lost, but damn, it's hard. It's taken me two hours just to write this out.

Don't even want to start on what my ex had to go through alone and the desperation to reach out to my mother for help when she hates her nearly more than me. My wife says she's remorseful that she was just very immature at the time and didn't think it could be that important, so much so that she forgot about it. I've never loved anyone more than my wife. She supported me through so much. I believe that she actually feels bad and regrets it. She's pregnant.

Oh my gosh. Yeah. Yeah.

We do have an update. Okay. I have no idea what it says. Okay. Just throw that out there. I definitely... Oh, that's so tough because...

Like, we don't know if she's lying, whether or not she knows. We'll never know if she read that text or not, but my gut says that she did. She had to have read it. She knew. My gut says that she did read it. No chance in hell that you see a text message from your boyfriend's ex. Like, she clearly knew who it was. Yes. Because otherwise she wouldn't have deleted it. No doubt. I would give a kidney to bet that she read it. Really? Yeah. That's how bullish you are? Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.

I would say I'm pretty confident that I think she read it too. Absolutely. And that makes it – this whole situation is already messed up. It is not – you don't get to like – it's not your discretion. You don't get to use your discretion. It's his phone. You are not married. You are separate entities. He should have full autonomy over what he does with his phone and who he responds to and who he blocks. Yeah.

To delete a message on somebody else's phone that was intended for that person that they aren't even aware of is a violation of privacy in my opinion. That's terrible. It's terrible. It's almost like opening somebody else's mail and throwing it away. So regardless of what the message said, that was already wrong.

Now, it goes a step further when that message was to tell him that he had a baby on the way. I think that is so despicable if she really tried to like intercept that and hope that if she deleted the message, she could basically delete the situation and make it go away. Yeah. It being the baby and the ex. So I think that's very wrong. I don't know how you move forward from here because –

I think if you want to make it work, you definitely should seek out counseling because there might be some deep-rooted insecurity that made her feel inclined to delete that message. Yeah. You know? Huge. Right? There's got to be – There's a lot more to unpack here. There's more here. There's an insecurity. Maybe she felt – and granted, like, to her benefit, not that she needs a devil's advocate –

It has been five years. She went from girlfriend to wife. A lot changed in that time. So maybe she doesn't – she's like, the me today would not do that. So it's really hard for me to like go backwards and put myself in the mindset of who I was five years ago and like apologize for that behavior. But like for purposes of moving forward, you have to revisit it and you have to unpack it. Yeah. And you have to do the work. You know what comes to my mind though with that? If he would have found out that his ex was pregnant –

Would they have ended up together? Yes. How manipulated is their relationship and marriage because she did that? Yeah. Because if they were together soon enough, like if the timeline is overlapping or whatever this timeline is, they were clearly together soon enough to when this wife came along that they had sex. They created a baby together. Yeah. So it wasn't that...

long ago. It wasn't like, oh, this is a two-year-old ex. This is still fresh. Clearly less than nine months. Unless there was some infidelity. And if there is, that's a whole other boxing to unpack. But it doesn't sound like that. Or maybe it was because maybe she was so insecure about it. Maybe. We don't know. Now we're just kind of like assuming. But like how manipulated was that relationship going forward? It's kind of like

Your whole relationship and life together is kind of, it started on a lie or deceit. Yeah. From her manipulating the situation. Right. Deleting that message. Yeah. And therefore altering your life. Yeah. She kind of played God a little bit. Yes. She took control of the destiny for you. That's why I think it's such a deep violation because- Oh, so bad. I said, I use the analogy. It's like,

opening someone else's mail and ripping it up. It's almost like an acceptance to Harvard, but that person doesn't want you to go to the East Coast, so they rip it up. And then they give you the acceptance to UCLA. You go to UCLA, five years later, you've got your degree, you're happy. But what would your life look like if you went to Harvard? You'll never know because someone took that opportunity from you. I hate that shit. I absolutely hate that shit. It's the worst. That's so sticky. I mean, the short is I think that people make mistakes. People can grow. People can change. People can

She may truly have not read the message. That is a possibility. I know we don't think it's – No, there's a chance. There's always a chance. Always a chance. And so if he loves this woman and he claims he loves her more than he's loved anybody, they should seek therapy. They should work through this. They should work backwards and figure out what happened five years ago. Yeah. And where are you now? Yeah. And immediately try to be involved in your kiddo's life. So top comment on the original –

is how did you find out? And OP goes, my ex asked my mother for some cash for our daughter. And then my mom chewed me out for being a deadbeat. Asked her what she was talking about. And she told me about how, and she told me about my ex and how I blocked her. Mentioned it to my wife who admitted there was a time where she deleted a message from my ex and blocked her. Oh, okay. Also, that's kind of a quick conclusion to jump to like, oh, well, I did delete this message one time and blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I blocked her. It's like,

Why did you go so far as to block her if you like didn't know what was in the message? Yeah. It just seems so rash. Yeah. For like, oh, my ex texted me. Block. Oh, oh, like delete, block. For what? Like you clearly saw what it was and you didn't want that to interact or affect your relationship going forward. Your future. Yes. But like, let me just give you another scenario here.

She doesn't open the message, right? We truly had no idea that it was a pregnancy reveal. She just feels so threatened by her position because she feels like maybe he was still in love with his ex. She thought maybe there was a possibility they'd get back together. So she just sees this name and it's triggering. She just sees the ex's name and she's like, nope, shutting that down. No possibility for them to get back together. It's me and me only. I don't even want him to see her name. And I'm blocking her so that she can't reach out anymore.

That's a possibility. But again, you need to unpack that. You're unhinged. Yeah. Like work on yourself. Right. It's not right. I'm not saying it's right. No, not by any means. Just going down the thread here real fast because some of these are good and hit on what we just said. So someone goes, part of me doubts your wife didn't read the message. If it were me and some guy my wife used to date texted her, I'd read it to know if my wife were cheating or what the fuck was going on. I highly doubt she didn't know your ex was pregnant with your child.

Next comment. Of course she read it. She was afraid he would go back to his ex if he knew she was pregnant. Yeah. So she deleted the message. Yeah. True. Next one. I agree. I don't buy that she didn't read it. Don't you usually open a text to delete and block someone? And if you're going to do something as invasive as delete and block someone on your boyfriend's phone, you're probably willing to invade his privacy and read his messages too. Yeah.

Yeah, I do think she read it. There's a slim chance. It's like that... The chances are never zero. Like that, you know? Like whatever that meme is or TikTok. But yeah, no, it's slim. But maybe some shit comes out in the update. Uh-oh, let's read it. So...

Long story short, I met with my ex last week just to properly explain myself and discuss the whole what nows. It didn't end up being productive and mostly filled with awkward silence with a few miniature arguments. Towards the end, she said that she'd been talking to a lawyer and didn't want me to be involved and will be seeking full custody of our daughter with no visitation as well as suing me for back child support and getting me on child support.

So that was fun. To be clear, I was always going to provide more than my fair share for any child of mine. I really don't know how any of this works, but I haven't received anything from the court or something. So it could have just been a threat, but she seemed serious. Regardless, I decided to find myself a lawyer to help me instead of waiting around and eventually got linked with an old friend's brother whom I'm meeting tomorrow, which is great.

Something.

We only had two sessions before the family drama broke out and we temporarily put counseling on pause. Basically, the thing about my wife deleting the message leaked out to the rest of the family, which has led my wife getting uncivil messages from a couple family members. My lovely older sister also decided to add to the fire by posting about this on her Facebook.

My wife has locked herself at home since and is taking everything quite badly since even her friends now know and have distanced themselves from her. Oh my gosh. I'm actually quite worried about it, but at least her mom is there with her and I try to check on her regularly. It's all just overwhelming. When I'm not thinking about my daughter, I'm thinking about my ex. When I'm not thinking about my ex, I'm thinking about my family drama. And when I'm not thinking about that, I'm thinking about my marriage and the pregnancy.

Ouch.

Ugh, this guy. I know we don't know much about him, but from what we're reading and hearing, he sounds like a good guy and it sucks that he just like is in the middle of like a warfare now. Yeah. It's really bad. The top comment goes, I feel bad for everyone. One question though, why didn't your ex try harder? I mean, she had five years to tell you. Yeah. And so someone else goes-

He admits he was a horrible boyfriend to her and pushed her away. So when she sent the text telling him about the baby and he didn't respond, it was probably par for the course for how he had always treated her and wasn't surprised. So I had no reason to want to involve a guy who would treat her that way in her daughter's life. I'm not saying she's blameless, but he sure as shit isn't. Yeah. And he still hasn't answered the last post questions about whether the wife purposefully deleted the text knowing what they said.

But he did answer it. I think that was just like a delayed response. Yeah. Oh, that is so tough. I know. What a note to end on. I don't know where you go from there. I mean, what's important to me is that he just sucks because like he doesn't even – might not even have visitation. I have a hard time believing a court and family court is always so complicated because

I have a hard time believing that like if he's willing to prove himself and like I didn't know, I truly didn't know, my wife will testify and say like she deleted the message. I had no idea. Yeah. I'm willing to pay my child support. Right. If he'll do the back end then, yeah. Yeah. So like I have a hard time like – You never know. I think he'll get it or like he'll have a chance to get visitation. Yeah. Hopefully. I think it'll end up okay, but it is just shit. I don't know.

I do feel a little bad for the wife that like her friends have like – Yeah. Like she's being ostracized by like literally – Something she did five years ago. And again, there's always that small chance that she – Small chance. Small chance that she didn't read the message. Miniature baby, baby, the baby, the baby. Yeah. Small, small. I wish you guys could see our fingers too. We're like –

Small chance. Small chance that she didn't read the text. Yeah. Always a chance. And even then that now, then I'd feel bad for her because it's like, ooh, sis, you didn't even know what you did. But moral of the story, don't impede on other people's privacy. And if you do, be forthcoming about it. Yeah. I think this is like a good rule where if you're in a relationship with someone and you, again, like I've said, we've said in the past, like reading people's texts is like

It's not okay. It's an invasion of privacy. I don't care if you have your partner's password. If you feel the need that you need to read their text to check on them, you're going down the wrong path. Yeah, I agree. It's not a sustainable relationship. It's not a relationship that's going to be healthy long term.

If you don't have that trust, as Gottman would say, John Gottman, the book we talked about early on in this podcast, if you don't have trust, you're in the roach motel. Oh, never heard that one. Yeah. And so it's just his analogy to be like, your relationship is going to be damaged. It's not going to be healthy. It's not going to be successful. We all need trust. Trust is like- You have nothing without trust. Yeah. But-

The thing is, is we're human. I am not going to sit here and pretend like I haven't gone through a man's phone because I have more than once. So I am not going to pretend. Back in the day, I did. Back in the day. No, you're back in the day. And that's why those relationships were not healthy. They did not sustain. And they were terrible. And they're done. They did not sustain. They're done. They're in the past. They're cut. However, where I'm going with this is I don't think I'm a bad person. And I think if you go through someone's phone- You're not a bad person. No. And what I'm saying is in that moment, people do-

questionable things when they feel their position is threatened or they feel insecure. Even some of my most stable and kind friends do some really insecure lash out things when they feel not secure. Now that is a signal of something deeper. It is a symptom of something deeper. So when that happened, when she felt the urge to go through his phone, read the message from the ex and

She should have gone to him and said, you know, I had a moment of weakness. I was feeling really insecure about our relationship. Went through your phone, saw a text from your ex. Let's talk about it.

that's, I think, what would have at least helped the situation. Absolutely. If you're going to do it, say it with your chest and double down. Yeah. Be open about it. But I'm not in any way advocating to go through a phone. I think it is wrong. Don't. But it signals something. And I think there are rare circumstances where I might condone it, but

Let's hear that. After you need to be done. So I'm just like thinking about a circumstance where like your partner is gaslighting you and like, oh babe, no, she's just a friend, but yet he like slept over at her house or like you found underwear in his car or whatever. Yeah. Where there's like a gaslighting situation where you're like really starting to question your own sanity. So that's when I went through someone's phone where I was like, I feel insane. Crazy. Yeah. Then

Okay, I get it. Yeah. You need to find out for your own sanity. Make sure your radar is on. But then at that point, no matter what you find, you kind of have to be done because either way, you're going to find bad shit that's going to confirm your suspicions or you're with someone who truly...

is not good for you. He's at that point there. They're making you feel crazy. I mean, mine. So the situation I'm talking about was years ago. It was not my recent relationship. It was a past one. And to be honest with you, I thank my lucky stars that I went through his phone because it's what I needed to get out.

That's what I mean. So like I know that sounds toxic, but if I don't know how much longer I would have wasted time had I not just cut to the chase. Yeah. So in a weird way, but that's what you mean. Like the relationship has to be done. It has to be done at that point. You can't just like be like, I found X, Y, Z, but like let's unpack it and let's stay together. It's all rainbows. No. Cut it. Bye. Done.

Life is too short for the bullshit. Truly, truly, truly, truly too short. There's perfect people out there for everyone. Find your person. Find the love that you deserve. The love that you deserve is already within you. Oh, look at you, Brene Brown. Okay. I just bought Young Pueblo's book. It's called Clarity and Connection.

I need to get back on my book grind. I'm thinking about starting a book club. I was just going to say, do you want to start a book club? Yeah. I'm thinking about it. Don't like tempt me with a good time. I'm a bookworm. I know you are. You're a really good reader. So don't like say you're going to do a book club with me and then not do a book club. I know. Well, I'm going to have some more time on my hands coming up here. So a book club is on the horizon. You're in a singing mood. I am. Martin needs to drop an album.

I literally just would be so proud. He's always said I can sing, but I cannot. Apparently, I think I can. I love it. I love the little sing song. Yeah. Okay. Love yourself more. No one can love you more than you love yourself. Choose yourself. And word to the wise, learn from all of these icky, icky, ewy, nasty people. I had someone reach out to me today.

And he was like, I'm a 40-year-old guy. And let me just tell you, I wish I had this advice if I would have been 20. Really? Yeah. And I was like, see, the boys are starting to catch on to the podcast. Love it. Love it.

When we were in Austin, I feel like we expanded our male listenership. Did we? I think so. Okay. I was talking to somebody and they were like super into it and it was all guys. I mean, think about it. Most of the people we networked with were guys. I like that. Yeah. Yeah. The mission is everyone out there, share this with one boy and tell them, this is going to help you learn what not to do. One boy. One boy. Just one. That's it. Just share it with one boy. It can be your dad. It can be your boss. Yeah.

I don't care if you print out the podcast art, put it on a work bulletin and pretend it wasn't you. Yeah. Yeah. Let go. Okay. Exciting things coming though. There will be a Patreon story from this episode. I'm going to cut one. So there will be a Patreon story from this episode and –

Merch is live and exciting things coming on the Patreon. We're going to have a subscription, like special edition, what's in the box. It's like a one-time purchase, but it's going to have lots of presents in it. So that's coming on Patreon soon. But other than that, that's all I got today. Don't be icky. Don't be ew. Don't be gross. Don't be disgusting. And I love you all. And I'm very thankful for you all.

And the dog story made me sad. So I might go eat a piece of cake now. Ooh. Yeah, it's in the freezer. Do you want some? Sure. Which one is it? My birthday one. Which birthday cake? Oh, well, the one is still in the fridge. Oh, no, no. We can do the freezer one. It's better that way. We're going to go have some cake. Until next time, guys. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Hey there, it's Ryan Seacrest for Safeway. Take care of yourself this summer and save on all your personal care favorites. Now, through August 27th, save up to $3 or more when you purchase participating personal care items like Pampers Wipes, Gillette Razors, Metamucil, Crest Toothpaste, Secret Body Spray, and a Swiffer Power Mop. The more you buy, the more you save.

Catch these deals before they're gone. Offer ends August 27th. Restrictions apply. Promotions may vary. Visit Safeway.com for more details.