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I can't believe you thought I was going to read Reddit pages about you. I don't know. I just talked to Darlene this afternoon. I was just like, I could take it. You got all the positive coping skills? Yeah. You're like, maybe, maybe not for this episode. Well, I like, I just, I broke the seal. Like, I don't know if you read stuff about yourself. I try not to. I don't even read podcast reviews. I do like a really good job of not. However,
Once in a while. I have a moment a week, something triggers me and I go down a rabbit hole. Yeah. It's really bad.
I feel that. My friend Lauren was over here the other night and she was like reading the podcast reviews and I was like, I've set multiple times, like many boundaries. I'm like, please do not read the reviews in front of me. And she starts reading them out loud. I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? It's torture. It's so mean. It's so mean. So today is not going to be mean. Okay. It's going to be fun. Hi guys. Welcome back to another episode of Two Hot Takes. I'm your host Morgan. And today I'm joined by the one and only Nick Vile. Hi.
Are you excited? I am. You're a little terrified. I can see you. You have a very nice podcast voice. So I've been told. Do you? Have you? Yeah. It's soothing. People have equated it to Xanax. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know why. Like you could read a sleep story. That's what they listen to this for. They listen to it to fall asleep. It's meant to be a compliment. It is. It is. And I'm happy to lull them off into La La Land. So today, the theme I have for you is...
You started on The Bachelor, as far as I know. I didn't watch your season. I just saw the highlights from Corinne on Twitter. Okay. So that was like my experience with your season. But you're very good at knowing when to let people go.
Okay. So it seems. As The Bachelor. Yeah. Or just in life. Like, do you feel like you... Yeah. I mean, I have never heard that. I appreciate you saying that just because I always thought that when watching the show, but just people have all sorts of opinions. Yeah. At the time, it was more people like my critics were... It was like I...
like I wasn't giving like certain people a chance in the show. And I felt like I was trying at the time to be very considerate to the women there, which would be like, I want to do sounds, I want to give them like a proper breakup. Which is, that's really nice. Which is like really hard to do. But the alternative is just not give them a rose at a rose ceremony and just be like, bye.
But I had the most breakups outside of a rose ceremony, I think. That's crazy. Yeah, people had mixed feelings about it. But I had the intention of, you know, making everyone feel like they had their moment. Yeah, very considerate. Yeah, I could explain why or at least have a conversation about it. I don't know if I successfully did that, but that was my goal. That was your intent, right?
Which, yeah, I think like as long as you have good intention behind it, however people are going to perceive it, it's like, unfortunately that's on them. And we'll see about these stories today because my theme overall for you is like, do these people need to be let go or cut off? Gotcha. Well, I, I, I definitely am a big believer in that in general. Okay. And, and it comes from probably in the, as a younger me was not, is not good at letting go. Like I feel that.
I stuck with a lot of toxic. I'm stubborn and I ruminate. Those are not qualities usually fit for people who are good at just being like, yeah, no, just let it. Yeah, this isn't working for me. So I had to get better at it personally. I think we all do. It's something you learn. So I have empathy with people who have a hard time with it. Okay. Well, let's see what you think about these ones. Let's dive in. Where'd it go? Oh.
Am I the asshole for wanting to sleep in comfortable pajamas at my boyfriend's house? No.
So last night was my 24th female first sleepover with my new boyfriend, 29 male of two months. He bought me a gift of lingerie. It is beautiful, but not comfortable. I think of this particular lingerie as a sort of thing you only wear for five minutes at a time. Then your partner takes it off. Ha ha. Which is essentially what happened. I wore the lingerie for him. He took it off. We were intimate. It was lovely. But then the trouble started when we were ready to sleep.
I went to put on the pajamas I packed, which is men's boxers. I bought it specifically for pajamas. It was not an X's or anything. And a t-shirt I got from the beach. This is the sort of thing I always wear to sleep and I didn't think it would be any different with my boyfriend. But he asked why I didn't put the lingerie back on. Did I not like it? This is a 29 year old man. Sure is. I said that I loved it, but it was a bit scratchy to actually sleep in.
He said, what the hell was my outfit? Why was I dressed like a man? I said, I always sleep in stuff like this, except when it's cold, I wear footie pajamas. He said, that's fine when it's cold, but like when I'm alone and all that, but when I am with him, it makes him feel quote sick to his stomach to see me dressed like a man. So I caved and put the lingerie back on. I'm now lying awake because the lingerie is scratching me.
He is my first boyfriend I could actually sleep over with. I've been single since high school. So I admit, I don't really know the etiquette. Am I the asshole? Oh my God, no. She needs to leave him now, immediately. This is so cringe. Yeah. Poor thing. So bad. That's, I mean, he sounds like a 17-year-old guy. Mm-hmm.
I like, yeah. Like I think it would, it would be bad for an 18 year old, 19, 18, 19 year old guy to say something like this, but a 29 year old man, I mean, it just comes from a lot. If I'm being nice on the guys, he just thinks come comes from a place of incredible immaturity. I'd be curious of his dating experience. My hope for him is that he also doesn't have a lot of experience and he's just saying that
I'm sure a 16-year-old me might have imagined, one day I'll get lingerie for my girlfriend. I mean, when you're young and thinking about having a girlfriend, what that would be like. And then you think that's something they wear. But no one, they're not pajamas. No, this isn't a reasonable thing to sleep in. It's absurd. They're absurd. Well, some of them have snap button crotches. They're just not meant for comfort. Tight, they cut into you.
They're meant to, like, I think they're probably designed so that the person wearing them wants to take them off as fast as possible. Yeah, I think that's the exact intention behind this stuff. I would agree with you. It sounds like a lack of relationships and, like, what reality actually looks like. Well, the first thing I would say to her, well, one, probably break up. Two, if she wants to have a conversation with him first to see if there's any way to work through this,
I would remind him that, or in her, that she's not necessarily responsible for his feelings per se. You know, like he's like, oh, this makes me feel sick to my stomach. Well, that's a him problem. That's not her problem. You know, when we feel something in a relationship, we can try to empathize and talk with them. But like, that's, he's feeling it. And she's not necessarily doing anything wrong.
Like, you know, she didn't make him feel sick to his stomach because she wants to wear comfortable pajamas. I'm just blown away. The fact it's like, oh, you look like a man. Like, have you never seen a girl like even on the streets in a big T-shirt and biker shorts? Also, there's something like, first of all, that's boxers and a T-shirt is like an attractive look. It's very cute. It's very cute. It's also like a standard sleep attire, like uniform these days, I feel. Yeah.
Like, I cannot... I know, like, some people are like, oh, I'm going to sleep naked, whatever. But, like, no. I'm like, if there's a fire, I got to be ready to go. I mean, this is one of those very short stories that says a lot about a person. This guy's riddled with red flags. Yes. Absolutely. Probably sexist, a little misogynist. And just makes his partner feel bad for not living up to what his expectations are. There's just... I don't know...
And then she mentioned how it's her first boyfriend. Yeah. She's 24. I believe 25, somewhere in there. So like, I mean, yeah, 24, you're right. 24. I mean, it's easy for me to say how young she is, but I remember being 24 and, and having 24 and 25 is a weird age because it's, it's the age in which you like teenage versions of us, um,
We all like when we fantasized, we all, it's weirdly like our mid twenties was always like the timeframe when we fantasize about our goals. It was like teenagers. It was, that was when we all decided that's when we were going to like accomplish whatever our goals were. Oh my God. Yeah. I'm going to be married with kids by 26. It's always somewhere around the mid twenties. Yeah. Like life happens. And then we start panicking when we fall short of our teenage expectations. Yeah.
which is kind of funny when we think about it. I know, God, that's so young, too. I would just hope for her that she...
I mean, being single is not bad. Not at all. Your first boyfriend, it's okay if he sucks, but you should definitely, she can do better. Sure. What did other people say? So, not the asshole. What the fuck? He's an idiot. Put your comfy PJs on and go home to your bed. That loves you more than this asshole. You don't have to like the lingerie. Wear whatever you want to bed. He's a controlling bum.
Yeah, that sounds about right. Yeah, and they go, edit, that shit can also give you UTIs or yeast infections. Men's boxers are smart and comfortable. So OP actually responds, update, I slipped out of bed and put my pajamas back on. If he wakes up and he reacts badly, I'm going to consider breaking up with him. Good. So she's on the right path. Yeah. Someone else, not the asshole. Also, you saw red flags. Unrealistic gender norms, lack of consideration for your feelings and comfort, stupidity of the Dunning-Kruger sort.
Prone to issuing threats, bad communicator, controlling. I agree with all those. Yeah. Very controlling. Yeah. We do have an update on this one, which is, I love the updates. It's so satisfying to me. So a few people asked me to update them with my boyfriend's reaction when he wakes up. I figured I'd post the update over here so it doesn't get deleted. After reading everyone's responses, I decided it's over between the two of us. Thank God. Thank God. I've never seen someone learn so quickly on Reddit. This is great.
Wow. Why? Did not see that coming.
I told him that I'm done and he started throwing a tantrum like a two-year-old. I didn't even bother to listen to it. That tracks. I had gathered my stuff together before I went to sleep, so I just picked up my backpack and left. Went home, picked up beer, pizza, and ice cream on the way, put on some cartoons, and was chilling all afternoon. Then my friend who works at Spencer's texted me. Apparently my ex had come in and tried to return the lingerie. Obviously they could only give him store credit because it was out of the box. He bought it at Spencer's?
That might be the biggest red flag of them all. God, when was the last time you saw Spencer's even? I actually thought that when you said that. And then, yeah. Crazy. I thought Spencer's like was...
I don't know. I guess like when I was... That's where he went? Yeah. For lingerie? Yeah. I think the last item I purchased there was like a studded belt in eighth grade for like the emo days. Yeah. Like was it meant to be actual lingerie or like fake lingerie for Halloween? So there is a picture on this and I'm not sure if it's the actual one or like one from a website, but this is what OP posted to like give an example of what it is. Gotcha. So it's like...
I guess. A one piece. And he wants his girlfriend, whoever that girlfriend is to wear that every night so that she, in his words, looks like a woman. Yeah. It sounds like he's struggling with some stuff internally. The gay comment kind of threw me for a loop. Yeah. He might want to look into that. He might need some, some therapy.
He had to be escorted out of the mall by a cop after he started throwing a tantrum at Spencer's. Yeah, this sounds like a problematic person. Uh-huh. Thanks to you all, I dodged a bullet with this man, baby. He obviously has some serious issues, and I don't think I'm the right person to help him with them. Good for her. Yeah, it sounds like she did all the right things. Yeah, I would agree with that. Absolutely amazing.
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Visit Safeway.com for more details. Okay, moving along from this one. Am I the asshole for what I said after my husband commented on my flat chest? My husband, Jared. I don't know. What if she said something really bad? It could have been really mean. You're about to see. But that doesn't justify commenting on someone's body. This is true.
My husband, Jared, and I have been married for three years. He's currently out of work, used to work at a high-paying job, but got kicked out of the company over a fight with a coworker, and I'm the one paying for rent and utilities. We dedicate some time to seeing his family weekly. They don't know he's unemployed because he thought they'll see him as a failure, especially his mom, so he told me to keep it a secret. Last night, we were sitting, eating dinner at the table.
His cousin was talking about his fiance going to Brazil to do a boob job. Jared asked if he was serious, then flattered future sister-in-law's boobs, saying they're perfect and that he didn't understand why she'd get a boob job. He then turned to me, stared at my chest while I was eating, and said,
like an idiot. I have a flat chest. I'm insecure about it, but don't do anything about it, obviously. And said, quote, hey, why don't you get a boob job? You're the one who needs it the most. His mom gasped and was like, Jared. And I said, it's fine. I then turned to him and said, quote, I'll get a boob job once you get an actual job since you've been unemployed for six months now.
He started it. He stared at me. He deserves it. This is justified. Absolutely justified. I also think it's weird that he was hiding that. Yeah. I think like it's tough. Cause I think there is like a lot of like stigmatism around like males being providers and stuff like that. I just think it, it perpetuates that stigma into it. Yeah. And it's like,
Listen, it sucks to lose a job and I get the feeling of insecurity around that. But I think it's toxic to ask your partner to keep secrets in general, especially around family for periods of time. It's one thing to say, hey, let's not... In a relationship, yeah, you want to have things that are just between you two. I get that. But it's really hard to ask your partner to...
when I say keep it secret, like keep a secret from family, like when you have to lie to keep a secret, it just becomes unhealthy and toxic. It's one thing to say, to not say something like, let's just keep this between us. But you know, it sounds like he was unemployed for a period of time. He probably pretended to be at work, probably talked about being at work. And like, that's just, I, when you ask people to, to, to lie to that extent, it's, it's a really unhealthy thing. And like, at some point you want to,
I think it's really, you have to know what it's like to have your partner face adversity and then deal with it and get through it together. And like, those are just such red flags to have someone so incapable of dealing with disappointment or failure, right?
I mean, it happens to all of us and we have to rebound and we want to have partners that can make us feel good about ourselves and support us. And so that we don't feel emasculated or, or like not good enough or not good providers. But yeah, it's, it's tough to ask your partner to keep a secret and lie for you. It's not a good sign. No. And I think if she, if it would have been just like, Hey, let's keep this between us. Obviously if someone asks you directly, um,
I don't want you to have to lie. Like that's a different conversation. Kind of like you said, like, don't go out of your way. This was like a, like an ongoing thing. This is very elaborate. Yes. So also I, yeah, I have no problem with her clap back. No, I think it's totally fair. Especially like he looked her up and down in public, in public and in front of the whole entire family and said, you need it the most. I mean, even in private, like when you're with someone and they comment,
on your body. I don't care if, you know, as a man, I have my girlfriend comment on like something that would require surgery that I may or may not be able to afford. He doesn't even have a job. Like shit, surgery is expensive. What is he going to help pay for this? Like 15 grand. And then immediately all you can think about is how your partner thinks that you're not good enough. What a terrible...
thing to say to someone it's weird because they're not just dating they've been married for three years and it's like if you didn't like that person for who they are as a whole why did you go so far as to marry them uh yeah come on buddy no he's a he's a dick
That's so terrible. God, it's guys. I know. Just wait. We're not even done yet. Is it all just terrible guys? No, no, no. There's some shitty gals too. His mom began questioning him about being unemployed and he denied, denied, denied. Then- He kept lying. Admitted it was true. It got awkward with his mom scolding him and others shaming him for it and for hiding it. He got so overwhelmed he went outside and stayed inside the car until I came out.
He started yelling at me repeatedly, quote, you couldn't have held your fucking tongue and accused me of turning his family against him and having them judge, then shun him. Now he can't even step a foot in their house from shame and guilt. Is that true?
Or is that just how he feels? I argued that his comment about my chest was insulting, but he said he was giving me a piece of advice and that there's nothing wrong with him wanting me to look pretty and that he said what he said. So he doesn't think she looks pretty? There's a lot of hidden writing here. Hidden meaning.
I feel like she should get divorced. Give him all the space in the world. That's really bad. There's so many. Yeah. He's obviously a very insecure person. Mm-hmm.
And losing your job is not, was what, that's not what's making him an insecure person. No. I can, I say that with confidence that he was already insecure. Who gets in a fight at work that gets you fired?
That's not very common. Well, all of this is like... He's reactive. He's a reactive person. And my guess is his reactive personality comes from this insecurity whenever he gets challenged or, you know, the type of person who would call their wife flat chested in public and then make it about like...
How like, well, I guess essentially gaslight them into making him feel like he was trying to do her a favor. Yeah. I was supportive. I was trying to make you the prettiest you can be. I just don't. This is not. I don't know what kind of therapy would. I mean, yeah, he's not changing overnight. No. And he clearly is not going to.
That's, that's, it's bad. I feel really bad for this person. I do too. Cause it sounds like she's really carrying everything too. She's paying for rent, paying for utilities, supporting him. Like who knows what his savings looks like, but she's kind of a one girl team. That's the least of our concerns. No, the least, but it's like, he's not even appreciative. And then he's like, Oh, get a boob job that you'd also have to pay for. And like, I'm going to body shame you. And then I'm going to make you feel like shit. And then I'm going to gas at you. It's like,
where's the upside to this relationship for you? Is there an upside? Because I do not see one. I am unaware. I would love to know when people call in for my Ask Nick segments and I would ask her, tell me what you're grateful for in the relationship and tell me how he makes you feel on a consistent basis. When you're happy, what does he do? I would focus on her feelings and I'd be curious what she would say.
I doubt she'd have a long list of things that she's grateful for. And then it sucks that she's married because obviously marriage is a whole, you know, till death do you part type of thing. It requires lawyers to break up. But yeah, um, he is definitely, this is someone who's, it's never their fault. Absolutely not. And there is a comment from OP cause someone asked like, what did he get fired for? Like just people are kind of digging and asking questions. And, um,
They say he had an argument with his former coworker, but rather it was a month long fight, like months long. He told me he thought his coworker was being unethical, but I got told that he, my husband, violated the coworker's privacy to snoop on him. And it resulted in a fight and him getting kicked out of the company. Yeah. This guy is bad news. Very problematic. Yeah. And a liar. Yes. Let's not forget.
Yeah, no, this is... He's got a lot of shit to unpack in therapy and...
I don't think it's worth sticking around for. And interestingly enough, he felt he has so much pride. Maybe his family's toxic. I don't know. Maybe they truly are shaming him. Yeah. It doesn't sound like that, though. It sounds like the way she told the story that he feels that shame. He's projecting it onto his family and making, again, them the bad guys. Yep. It's like now it's their fault because they're going to make him feel bad. He just feels bad that he fucked up.
From everything I'm hearing, he 100% got himself fired for something he did. Yeah. And the snooping around. Yeah. Well, and apparently he's not even really trying to look for a job because OP goes, I make sure to tell him to look for a job every day, but he keeps stalling. And I got fed up because I've been carrying the load by myself while he keeps saying he needs time to prepare for work again after what happened with his coworker. Do we know what happened? Do we have an update? No update on this one.
If she, maybe she listens to this podcast, but if she ever gets the courage to leave him, he will crumble. He's a victim. That's all he is in all of these situations. There's no accountability on his part. And it is really unfortunate that they're married because it takes a lot more to unwind than just breaking up. It does, but how old is she still young? How old is she? No mention of ages. No mention of age. No. No.
Either way, she, I don't know. They're only three years in and no mention of kids, which that does make it a lot easier. Just get out. This guy's a nightmare. Yeah. So you wanted a shitty gal. No, I just was wondering if it was just like, cause I was like, he has a guy. I was like, geez, he's fucking guys.
Which is most of Reddit, because I think women are more likely to write into Reddit and ask for advice or share their problems online. That makes sense. But speaking of marriage or people that are soon to be married and probably shouldn't be, would I be the asshole if I remove the in sickness part from my marriage vow to my fiance, 29 male? Yeah, maybe. I mean, certainly a more practical approach to marriage, but...
I am curious. This is harsh, but I hate taking care of sick people. My siblings and I were taking care of our parents whenever they get sick and I just hate it. I'm sick of it and I hate feeling bound or obligated to take care of somebody. My life is full of moments and events like this and I just finally want to live my life to the fullest. I'm going to be married soon to my lovely partner and the best guy in the world. I'm so lucky and happy to have him by my side.
We've been thinking a little about our marriage vows. My fiance is going to have the traditional Christian one. I blank take the blank to be my wedded wife to have and hold to this day forward, yada, yada, yada. I'm going to have an identical one, but without the in sickness part, I'm going to replace it with in happiness. My fiance says that he will not accept this and he is very mad at me. He is even rethinking the whole thing.
I just don't want to feel obligated to take care of anybody sick for years of my own and only life. It's so stressful, and I think he is being very unreasonable right now. It's just a marriage vow, and I have a choice to change it. So, would I be the asshole? I don't think anyone's an asshole here. Really? I think these are two people considering everything.
a potential lifelong contract, or at least the hopes of one that would require lawyers to end it. And I think these are sometimes, these are the honest conversations people often avoid having
But they're having. And yeah, it's a weird thing to ask and it's awkward. And in his position, I can get why he's thinking, fuck. Do you even love me? And it's certainly not romantic. And I get a lot of people could criticize her because it sounds so untraditional, but...
We all come from different places. She explained a little bit for whatever reason, she grew up having this, you know, you know, maybe her parents were sick their whole life and that could be a big burden. And she's definitely being unrealistic, like to the point where if she truly only wants to be in a committed relationship and happiness, as she describes, and I don't know if marriage is for her because marriage is about,
And so maybe a more untraditional, like long-term partnership is for her. I would agree with that. I think even changing it to in happiness is kind of like... It's not just vows. No. And...
I just look at it. It's like life is full of obstacles, bumps in the roads, blue days, sad days, depression, whatever. There's so many unpredictable factors here. And so for her to make it like it's so conditional, like my love is almost conditional on you fulfilling this to a T. Yeah. And so like the in sickness, I'm like, okay, that is kind of a serious thing. And something that's interesting, I actually am an OT, an occupational therapist. So that was like my gig before the podcast. Yeah.
But it's interesting, you know, coming from her perspective where she's like, I want to be done if he becomes sick or disabled or whatever. Because women are like more likely to stay if that happens. And like men statistically are more likely to leave if their partner becomes like permanently disabled or chronically ill. So that is kind of interesting to me. But yeah.
I just like, I'm like, this is too conditional. It's like, you're in it or you're not. And like, kind of like what you said, where it's like, these are conversations people definitely should have and they're important. But then like, if he's not into it, like this obviously isn't the match for you. He definitely has a right to say, because I, that's what I'm saying. It's not just vows. If someone, if I were dating her, I'd been like, thank you for being honest, but
Maybe we shouldn't get married. You know, like I, you know, and he has a choice to say, I love you. And I guess, but I, I want to be with someone when I get older, that isn't going to bail on me. Yeah. And listen, people bail on each other all the time. So yeah.
You know, she's being very practical and honest because a lot of people, again, don't have these conversations. They lie to themselves about their desire to like work through difficult times and things like that. So at least she's being upfront. And so I don't think that makes her an asshole. I just think it's a tough conversation to have. Yeah. And maybe they're just not aligned. I do think it's something they shouldn't ignore. And I don't think...
Who should concede? Yeah, I don't think he should concede. No, I don't think if that's truly what she wants to, I don't think either of them concede. There's like, there's no mention of how long they've been together or anything like that either. So it's like, I think. And the ironic thing is like, you can't predict the future either. No. To your point, like, who knows? They get married, they fall in love, they have a couple of kids, he gets sick and she's just like, of course I'm like, I'm not going to leave you.
At that point in time. And he's thinking, yeah, what about your vows? She's like, vows, schmows. Like I was, I love you. We have a family together. Yeah. And he, you know, she could get sick 10 years from now and he could be the asshole and leave it. So. It's true. But when the person you're about to get married to feels that
at least right now, if you got sick tomorrow, I'd want to bail. I don't know if I want to marry that person. No, they do add a little bit more info and say it does depend on the disease. Obviously I'm not going to have problems taking care of somebody with a cold or some flu broken bones. However, if it's chronic slash severe and requires so much time and playing around diets, restrictions, what about if Crohn's happens?
Like Crohn's disease, ulcerative colitis, disabilities, cancer, et cetera, then no. I had enough of those in my life. So one of the comments on this is, to me, it sounds like a person who was forced to take care of someone as a child and teen and they never got therapy and it's developed into awful stuff, which is exactly what you said. Sounds like she's bearing some trauma through her childhood and she should probably work through that. And I would want...
If I was him, I'd want her to work through that before we got married. Absolutely. And if I was just like, hey, that sounds a little crazy, babe. Maybe we're not ready to get married. I don't want to break up with you because I love you. But like, let's let's look into this because this seems it's just kind of an unrealistic, extreme point of view to have. And I can try to empathize with that.
you know, why she might feel the way she did. Yeah. Well, and like parentification, like that can create a lot of trauma in someone's life. So if she did go through something like that and like had to take care of her parents and was taking care of also siblings and all this stuff, like
I bet she's in her early 20s. I bet this is a young couple. Yeah. And no age was mentioned. And I do typically find that when age isn't mentioned, they're typically pretty young. But the fiance's 29, so... Oh, he's 29? He's 29, but no mention... Of her age? Of their age. Yeah, no, no, no. Nothing. So... Well, yeah. I don't know. But yeah, I definitely think...
Therapy. And maybe push off the wedding. Yeah. I definitely would not get married under those conditions. Yeah. People are going to be like, what? In happiness? That changes by the hour for me sometimes. If you want everyone talking shit behind your back at your wedding, then you should do that. You know, it can...
Keep everyone in the pew hearing these vows. But did you hear, did she take out in sickness and health and add in, in happiness? So basically as long as I'm happy, I'll stay here. Like that's what people will gossip about, about at her wedding. Absolutely. Especially because of the fact that he would keep his, the traditional and that would stay in. That's like walking down the aisle naked. Yeah. People are going to notice. It's embarrassing for her. I'm going to be honest. It's pretty embarrassing. Yeah.
But again, understandable. And she just needs to work through it or, or just find a partner who is on board, who's on board and, you know, and somehow prompt maybe like a robot who, you know, like, yeah, maybe a mail order husband, someone who like 90 day fiance style it. Yeah. Someone who can't get sick like a vampire maybe. Yeah. That'd be a good, good one. Okay. Of course then he, he can't,
be awake during the day and that's an inconvenience to her. So like, I know it sounds like anything that disrupts her life would be, she doesn't want to die restrictions either. And he only drinks blood. So vampires out of the question. Okay. That's like the craziest one to diet restrictions. Like how many people are like gluten-free celiac disease? Like can't do stuff like that. Like allergic to peanut butter, almond butter. Like there's so much shit. Come on. I will say though, my girlfriend, Natalie,
This is the first girlfriend I've had where like we have, we have a very similar diet. We like the same things. And I got to say. It's so nice. So good. It's so nice. It's so nice. I, I didn't have that with my partner, Justin. He, he came into the relationship, like not eating red meat, no cows. And like, so now I don't eat cows. I haven't eaten like a burger in three years, which is like. It's healthy. It's better. So we only eat like things with wings and like, he doesn't do dairy. So now I'm like.
I'm like almond milk cheese on our homemade pizzas and it's better for me. Yeah. But sometimes you just want that, that burrata. Yeah. That struggle. That struggle. That's real.
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Visit Safeway.com for more details. Okay. Up next. Do you get a lot of call-ins on your show dealing with mother-in-law problems? We've had them. Yeah. We've lately got a lot of like friendships and in-law stuff. Just because usually what happens is we'll get one of those questions and they might like my answer. And then that prompts other people to call in. Yeah. We get a fair share of in-laws. Okay. Well, tell me how you handle this one.
Tough. And those are tough. This one's, it's a little more lighthearted than the past couple I've been thrown at you. Yeah. Those are really heavy. Like, Jesus. I didn't realize they were going to be so like trauma heavy. Like. It's fine. You're handling it very well. So something's working. You're doing good. Am I the asshole for making inappropriate noises when my mother-in-law called my husband's phone at 2 a.m.?
My husband and Kevin and I got married months ago. Ever since we moved away, his mom started calling more often. She had a mental breakdown when she heard we were moving. She begged we stay near because she, quote, needs him, even though her two older sons are there. Anyhow, she'd call at random times, then start calling in the middle of the night, specifically at 2 a.m. I thought that was so weird, but she said she wanted to hear Kevin's voice, but was too busy to call during the day.
Kevin responds to her call every time, saying he's worried there might be an emergency. It's exhausting and completely ruins our alone time. I asked her to call at like 10, but no, she kept calling at 2.
Kevin said he can't bring himself to ignore her calls and asked that I be patient. Last night, I decided I wasn't having it. I waited until Kevin was asleep and put his phone on vibrate and waited for her to call. Two o'clock rolls around and the phone starts vibrating on the nightstand. I stretch my arm to answer and then I start making sex noises from the bed. I'm talking full on moaning and then some dirty talk, then more moaning. Few seconds in, she ends the call.
Kevin wakes up and asks if I was all right. I tell him it's just the fever. Then he goes back to sleep. I woke up to a... What do you mean the fever? Maybe she's got a cold during all this as well. I was like, is that a thing? I don't know. I heard Devil's Tango for the first time the other day, like talking about like that relating to sex. And I was like, that's interesting. I like it. But okay. Fever dream, maybe like a fever dream. I don't know. Okay.
I woke up to a complete disaster with Kevin angrily asking what the fuck I did last night when his mom called. Clearly, she was livid and mortified because Kevin said I just traumatized her by having her think we were having sex when she called. I mean, she fucked up for sure. I told him what I did and insisted it was just out of frustration, but he shouldn't have done that. But he said I shouldn't have done that. And I embarrassed him and made his mom uncomfortable. I said she was calling at 2 a.m.,
He said, still, I acted childishly and potentially harmed the relationship with her. I told him to just tell her I was behind this. And he said, quote, oh, don't worry about it. I will. Then demanded I apologize to her immediately. But her shaming texts made me refuse. I might have went about this the wrong way, but I was just frustrated. Am I the asshole? Yeah. But like Kevin's the problem. Mm hmm.
Kevin's a little bit of a mama's boy. Yeah. In any in-law situation, like, you know, the thing about parents is it's like they, they have these weird expectations of their kids. It's like, I made you and they, some parents have a hard time letting go. Yes. And it's Kevin's mom's fault probably for developing this unhealthy connection with Kevin. But yeah,
all like she was never going to win with her. She had to first like get Kevin to understand that this was affecting their relationship and it was making her feel uncomfortable. And, and I think those are great situations cause they're, they're fairly common. I think it's, it's a great reason to get couples therapy. Absolutely. Um,
I always bring like a third party into that because like, I think in those situations you, you suggest couples therapy and then try to, I mean, it's slightly manipulative, but you don't ever want to make, cause like couples therapy is, is generally positive for, especially like, you know, you hear people like in the first year of marriage, I think a lot of people just do it just because it can be tough and it's just a different year. And it's just like having someone to just help you,
Learn how to fight and disagree and communicate. Those are all positive things. And what I mean by maybe she should have suggested in general rather than making it about this and then just bring it up in therapy. Absolutely. I think that's the best plan. Again, slightly manipulative, but whatever. There's plenty of things that they can work through in therapy. They clearly need it.
That's it's definitely a boundary. Like she has the right to set and it's hard to enforce because I have a lot of friends. I mean, I'm very close with my mom. Thankfully a combination of having a lot of kids, they have a lot of kids. And so like, my mom doesn't have the time to like be obsessed with me. Um, but I have friends who have, have a hard time saying no to their parents. And, um,
And as adults, we have to learn how to say no to our parents sometimes. And parents, as they get older, parents, even though they're older, they kind of, they throw temper tantrums too. And they can be manipulative with their kids and they have a hard time letting go. And, and,
I think usually it's the, it's up to the kid. If, if in those situations, parents never really learn, they never really go to get therapy to learn how to be less controlling with their kids. Cause it's like, this is my kid. It's mine. Yeah. So if a kid feels like that,
their parents are just like controlling their lives and can't let go. Those are, you have to learn the tools to stand up for yourself. And that can be scary and challenging, especially if your whole life you had this relationship with a parent that was very dominant and very manipulative and you don't ever want to call your parents manipulative. It's, it's hard. But parents can be manipulative. Parents are very manipulative. And sometimes, you know, that's maybe they needed to, that's how they, but as an adult, um,
We have to push back sometimes and we have to learn the tools. So Kevin's the problem. And she fucked up because she did this thing, which was ridiculous, funny, but hilarious. And then she, but now, now, now they can team up against her. Yeah. There's more ammo to use against her and be like,
She just did herself a disservice. Yeah. I mean, I would have maybe put it on do not disturb instead or like a sleep mode just to like, like don't,
don't like really light the fire, like by making these sex noises, but also let's be mature and have a conversation about this. That's the thing. She, she, this was like a reaction that you would do after you've tried literally everything you possibly could think of. She got there. Like it didn't even sound like she really even went to Kevin and say, Hey, I'm, I'm as your wife, uh,
I'm asking you to set some appropriate boundaries. I want you to be close to your mom, but like, I need you to stand up to your mom because this is ridiculous. And if he disagrees, then she needs to figure out a way to, you know, whether it's therapy or not, but it didn't sound like she had any of those conversations. Like maybe she just asked him a couple of times and he said, be patient with mom, but. Yeah. Yeah.
She went above and beyond. I know. She said like, she's kind of mentioned it where it's like, she's asked him not to respond every time. And then he says he's worried there might be an emergency. It's exhausting and completely ruins our alone time. I asked her to call it like 10, but she refused and kept calling that too. So it sounds like she even went so far as to like talk to the mom to try to set that boundary herself. Yeah.
But that's not going to work. Mom's never going to. It's not going to work. Like, and this is something like I come across too, like even with my boyfriend and my mom and like, like his mom and him, it's like, we each need to be responsible for setting boundaries with our own parents. Like that's, that's just our responsibility to,
our parents and each other and our relationship. And so it's not going to work. She's not going to give a fuck what the daughter-in-law wants. Totally. Especially if you're the type of parent who doesn't know how to respect boundaries. Which she doesn't. She's clearly, she doesn't. She sees clearly hers more of an adversary rather than like, Oh, thanks for, you know, taking care of my son. Yeah. Or be making my son happy. It was more like, Oh,
This mom is, doesn't want another woman in her life. So like she was in her, in fact, she probably, you know, she's probably no better. No. That's for sure. Well, just the fact she had a mental breakdown when she heard they were moving. She begged me to stay near cause she needs him. It's a lot. I'm, we're big pluggers of therapy here. Love therapy. And so I think like people need to do therapy sessions before they even get married. Like make sure you're on the same page and like,
Immediately. Do not pass go. Schedule an appointment ASAP. Definitely don't do what she did. No, but do you know what's interesting? The overall vote on this one was not the asshole. People thought she was totally justified, thought it was A-okay. The top comment, not the asshole, was it childish? Absolutely. But so is she. However, the biggest problem here isn't your mother-in-law, it's your husband. Well, that's true. Well, I always say...
It's like, do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy? She did not choose happiness. She chose wanting to be right and get back and try to get even. And like, listen, if you want to get even, get even. And you could, you know, people would say like, yeah, yeah, tit for tat. But it often doesn't make you happier. She doesn't sound any happier. In fact, now she's probably more miserable because now, again, it's two against one. Yeah. Like, where did it get her? Nowhere. Yeah.
Yeah, I would have given this to like an everyone sucks. Like, yeah, I mean, is she an asshole? No, like she just fucked up. Yeah. At her wits end, maybe a little bit like justified asshole if you want to go that far. But like everyone sucks in this situation.
It's kind of funny though. I like it. And I suppose mom deserves it. It just doesn't help her. No. And like, I think it's funny. I certainly wouldn't have the balls to do it. Like I think, I think it takes a lot to do that and start like. Yeah. And we don't really know. Like when she said she had a mental breakdown, like did she really have a mental breakdown? Or was it a show? Is she exaggerating when she just kind of saying, Oh, she lost her mind either way. It sounds like mom's a little.
you know, unhinged. Yeah. And I don't know if like she knew that was going to get a, what I want to know is what did you expect to happen? Yeah. That's a good question because in, in my head there's no, there's no salute, like no ending that would have been good. Like, Oh, the mom just doesn't say anything and she really expect to be like, I'll just never call. Yeah. No, it's not how that works.
Hey there, it's Ryan Seacrest for Safeway. Take care of yourself this summer and save on personal care items at your local store. Now through August 27th, get extra discounts when you purchase participating items like Dove Beauty Bar, Dove Body Wash, Dove Men Plus Care Body Wash or deodorant, Dove Shampoo, Trace-A-May Shampoo and Axe Body Spray. The more you buy, the more you save. Catch these deals before they're gone. Offer ends August 27th. Restrictions apply. Promotions may vary.
Visit Safeway.com for more details. Fascinating. Yeah. People are interesting. Yeah. Well, this next one is the case as well. More in-law problems. Am I the asshole for serving my husband's family mac and cheese for dinner? My husband, Asian, and I, American, welcomed our firstborn four weeks ago. The baby is healthy, but I'm exhausted. Haven't fixed my hair, barely able to shower, and I cannot sleep.
My husband's family had been pressuring us to visit to meet the baby. I tried to hold them off as much as I could, but yesterday I was surprised to find them standing on the porch. Turns out hubby invited them for dinner. I was embarrassed and felt like I wasn't ready for visitors. Judgmental ones at that. Cause the house was a mess y'all.
Anyways, my husband sat with them while I fed my son. Then later I asked my husband if we should order takeout for dinner. He said no, because his parents would find this rude and unwelcoming. He suggested that I go inside the kitchen and prepare something, anything long as it's homemade. I said fine, then went and made some mac and cheese. The reason I prepared this meal is because of how easy it is. Was it Kraft? Yeah.
I hope so. I like macaroni and cheese. It's so good. The spiral ones. I like the regular noodles. Or the shapes. Just a regular. Just a boring. I like the spiral. Get a little extra sauce in there. Once I served the family, my husband's mom looked at me and was appalled. I noticed something was wrong. She asked if I really found it appropriate to serve her and the family mac and cheese.
I asked, why not? And she went on a rant about how disrespectful this was and that I clearly have no experience in what is right and wrong when it comes to hosting. I said, excuse me? Who said I signed up to host an expected visit from them? And she took it as in, I didn't want them there. I wouldn't want them there either at that point. No.
Her husband said they were just there to finally see the baby that I kept them from seeing for an entire month. Where did they visit from? I don't know. Maybe we'll get there. Wait. I mean, it is a bit odd that mom and like grandma and grandpa like hadn't seen the baby in a month. Yeah. Up at the top when she says the baby is healthy, she goes parentheses, thank God. So I wonder if maybe the baby was in the NICU or if there's like a little more to this. I actually would take it as...
First time parent, super high strung, nervous. COVID too. COVID, a little hyper, kind of hypochondriac, you know, all very relatable feelings for first time parents and maybe a little overprotective. I couldn't imagine a world where, like if Natalie and I have kids together,
Where either of our parents would somehow be like told like, no, you can't see them. If like, if they wanted to, like my parents are in Wisconsin. So like maybe they couldn't make the trip, but like to. You're from Wisconsin? I'm from Minnesota. Wonderful. Well, and so it gets worse. They go on to say that's a whole month of his life they missed out on. We had an argument and they decided to go home. My husband said that deciding to serve his family mac and cheese was more offensive than serving them nothing at all.
I told him I was too exhausted to cook their traditional feast that I was forced to learn from his mom. He took offense and said that I was being mean and disrespectful towards not only his family, but his culture. I went inside the bedroom to stay with my son. My husband stayed on the phone with his family for an hour, then kept giving me the cold shoulder and refused to eat what I cook in support of his family.
I understand how some guests might find it offensive, especially his family, but I was just trying to make a quick homemade meal like my husband wanted. What's wrong with mac and cheese? I mean, nothing. And at face value, it's absurd. Yeah. Like she just had a baby. She's taking care of the baby. She's feeding the baby. He doesn't sound like the husband is much help at all. He sounds very traditional. But I guess my biggest question of all this is like,
Back to the original couple, like till death do us happiness only. Like this sounds like I'm curious is like she's, she's writing this story as if she met her husband a week before they got married. And she's now finding out that his parents are incredibly desperate.
you know, traditional have they, you know, keeping up with their culture is very important to them. And it's a value system that they have. And she's just like, what the fuck? You know, it's like, I just don't get that. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm just where, what were they doing when they were dating or engaged where she didn't get a sense of like these expectations and not that that's,
Not that that means that she has to do that. I'm just more surprised how... I would really want to know. I have more questions. I want to know how did we get to this point where why didn't they see him in the first month? Because it seems crazy that she doesn't sound like someone who...
wants to be like responsible for all the house chores. Like, like that's, you know, like, yeah. Which most people aren't these days.
No, it's typically like a team. Yeah. A joint effort. But he, this, he sounds very traditional. His family sounds very traditional. Yes. That's my confusion is like how, how they got to this point. Sounds like a lot of like miscommunication. I think like, obviously she's not the asshole. Like you, one got blindsided. You had no idea they were coming. Yeah.
If that was the case, you knew they were coming. Maybe she would have been able to prepare something more elaborate. But like, again, she just gave birth four weeks ago. Who knows if her birth was traumatic? Who knows if she had a C-section? If you have a C-section, like you're cutting through seven layers of tissue, like skin, fat, like all of these different layers.
The minimum time for healing is six weeks. So like we're very behind in America. Like a lot of countries will give the partner six weeks off work because the one who went through that can't do shit. So no mention of that, but like, who knows? Sounds like a bad relationship with the in-laws. But again, it's kind of one of these things where it's like, I think it's absurd to be clear that like he didn't help. Yes. But just the fact that like, it wasn't even on his rate. It doesn't sound like it was even on his radar. Yeah.
Like it almost sounds like the way she tells a story that his family would even have been offended had he got up to help. Like they were catching up with him and the baby. And she makes it sound like it was her literal job and their point of view, which again, to me sounds insane. I'm just, I'm just wondering how, how they got here. How did the wires get so crossed? Yeah. Where...
And if that's not something she was down for, and I wouldn't be down for it, and I would expect her not to be down for it, but why did she get married to this guy? Yeah. You know? Well, the fact, too, like when she says...
Like I was forced to learn how to cook their traditional feasts from his mom. At what point was that in the relationship? Yeah. Because if, if that was me and my boyfriend was like, you are, you are learning these fucking meals with my mom, get in the kitchen, bitch. I would be like, goodbye. Yeah. Or I'd be like, listen, I love you and your family, but I'm not a traditional person. So like,
I'm down to like participate. But if you don't respect the fact that I'm, this is not me, then maybe you want someone who's more traditional. Like, yeah, this is a non-negotiable. Like, like if these, if these two are dating and they were like, Oh, here's our situation, what should we do? And, and they, let's say they called up and be like, you know, I want my girlfriend to like embrace my culture. It's really important to me. And she's just like, I don't know.
I want to support him. I want to participate, but like, I'm, I don't love everything they do. And I would be like, this is, this is a valid reason to break up and to make you sad. And, and, but like, if, if, if no one's willing to bend here, this is, there's gotta be some compromise or yeah. And, and, and, and there's a lot of people like they don't want to compromise on, on,
the core principles that they hold. And if they don't want to, that's fine. I just think it's insane that people will date and pretend like these non-negotiables are like some sort of like pet peeve they can overcome or they'll come around or just like... I think a lot of people think that like they can change their partner or like they'll come around eventually. They'll get used to it. And so, yeah, I have a lot of questions that... So I think we're making... We're guessing a lot or feeling in a lot of...
Yeah. She's definitely not the asshole. No. I think she should, because she hasn't already, have a very honest conversation with her husband about what she is willing to do and what she expects of him. Like, hey, I need your help. I need you to participate. And I don't really care if your mom didn't do that when she had you. Yeah. Like, I want you to do that. Yeah.
I can't feed our kid and feed your family. No. So, so fair to like, just be like, I'm sorry. Like I'm still recovering. Can you help this once or whatever? And I, she's not recovering anymore. Yeah. It's just like OP comments a lot. So we do get some answers to that. I will just say too, like when it comes to meshing cultures, like she could have,
also had a very like negative approach to this, kind of what you're saying. Like maybe she wanted to appreciate it, but like it just wasn't for her. And so I think that would also depend what,
Like how this whole relationship has played out. The only red flag on her part is, and it might be totally justified, was grandma and grandpa didn't get to see the kid for a month. Have an answer for that. Okay. So someone comments, not the asshole, but really dot, dot, dot, keeping his family from seeing the baby for a month? Yikes. And so OP responds, I mean, they wanted to visit several times, but it didn't happen because of a number of reasons, like timing and health issues on my part.
So. Injustifiable. I mean, it's just. A lot of people are like, why did your husband not tell you? Also, does he need a map to the kitchen? Also, traditionally, family bring food to the new mom. It just depends on the tradition. Not the other way around. And so she responds, no idea. Like, I promise I'm not one of those women that would freak out when people come visit. But to be caught off guard like that.
Nope, that's the problem I have with him. Him believing that guests aren't just the invite, but anyone who knocks on the door and enters the house. And then someone else goes, This is crazy.
And OP goes, I think that the reason they didn't bring anything was because they thought I didn't want them over and was keeping their grandbaby away from them. When in reality, the reason they couldn't visit until now was because of my health and the timing they previously picked, which didn't work for me. Of course, my husband wasn't happy. His family couldn't meet our son sooner. But what was I supposed to do? Well, also like a lot of the comment commenters like assumed a culture. Yeah. He mentioned, uh,
Did he say Asian or Chinese? She puts Asian. So no specifics of what that culture is. But potentially different like cultures than say like a Christian culture. I'm not familiar, but it could definitely be different. And there's definitely very different cultural expectations with whether you bring something or not bring something, whether you... They can be very different. Yeah. So...
It sounds like that's what I'm just kind of surprised that she, she just didn't know some of these are like leading up given, given how important it seemed to be to his family. You know what I'm saying? That's like, it's one thing to be like, yeah, my parents are super traditional, but I'm not. So she, they like the couple doesn't really get involved with like, you know, I grew up very Catholic, right? I'm not. And it's not like I'm like,
pouring all these Catholic traditions onto Natalie because when she sees my family, she needs to know because my family, it's not that big of a deal to them. But it
If it was like something you should like, I would give her that heads up before we got married. Yeah. You know, so it wouldn't be a surprise. There's a lot going on here. I think this is another one where therapy would be very beneficial because I think all of this, like aside the way he's reacting to this problem too, by like stonewalling her, giving her the cold shoulder and,
is one of the most unhealthy communication tactics you can use. Like that is literally one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
if you're familiar with like John Gottman and like his relationship book, it's like, it's like one of the biggest signs that a relationship is going to fail is like stonewalling. And so like, yeah, this is like, she's not the asshole. She's going through a lot, a lot of dynamics here. Why was it a month health issues, whatever it is, but at the root cause of this, their communication is still struggling so hard. Yeah. I'd be curious what John Gottman has to say about like,
how often stonewalling happens in like these kind of what these non-negotiable situations, because we're talking about just different like ideologies. They're just coming from two different places. You know what I'm saying? Like their, their expectations are so off and they, and they both feel that's what, you know, and that's what's so challenging about these situations is,
I mean, I know what stonewalling is, but I'm not an expert in that stuff. So I don't begin to try to understand it and diagnose it. But it's tough in situations where both people feel like the other person's kind of nuts from their point of view. Yeah. And I feel like that stonewalling comes from the place of just not being able to empathize with their partner. Which makes you wonder, how did they get this far? That's my big question. To...
How did you get yourself in this mess? Well, and I just wonder what the relationship with the in-laws was before this, because if this is like a one-off where she just had the baby and it's been a month or whatever, it doesn't seem like their reaction and their like dislike for her or whatever is happening here is just like a one-off situation. It sounds like things weren't,
super happy and good on the start, the start line, like before this. Yeah. Cause like, you know, who are we to say, you know, like she, she referenced health issues. It's kind of vague. Was it a cold or birth complications? And all are justified, but again, like, and everyone's different, but I feel like the, I feel, and you tell me, but I feel like the norm would be short of a very serious health condition and
that the grandmas and grandpas would be seeing the kid
you know, as soon as possible. Yeah. I think, you know, COVID kind of changed up that for a lot of people. That's true too. I used to see a lot of like videos on TikTok where people would be like standing on the porch with the baby while the in-laws waved from the sidewalk. That's true too, yeah. So... You know, I'm also curious if her parents saw the kid. That's what I want to know. And I didn't see it in the comments. So I don't know if her family are involved or anything like that, but there's no mention of her parents meeting the baby either. So...
That's a big unknown. Because maybe her parents have passed away. Maybe she doesn't have parents. And maybe this is a sore subject. It could be, yeah. There's so many. That's a big question. I know. This one, there's a lot here. It would be too oversimplified to call anyone an asshole. No. His family is being the asshole. Yes. If anyone's an asshole, it's them. Yes.
But her question... I'm just curious as to how this happened. It is just so goofy to me. I just... I see... I also think macaroni and cheese is totally fine. I love mac and cheese. And there's some gourmet-ass mac and cheese. You put, like, some, like, parmesan on there. You have four cheese mac and cheese. Like, she doesn't even specify if it was Kraft. Like, it could have been Five Star. And it's also interesting, like, the way his mom handled it. Like...
She sounds like his mom, again, very traditional, probably takes great pride and, and like kind of running the household, so to speak. Right. And everything that's involved and like, they just, they have completely different points of view on, on life, I guess, which is fine, but they just have to figure out how to, you know, come together or, or understand one another. Or learn how to co-parent after that divorce. Yeah.
Yeah. Well, I, it doesn't, it's not going to get, it's a mess. And I hope she, yeah. I hope she doesn't give in. No, I hope she stands her ground. For sure. You would feel like, wouldn't you just kind of feel like a, almost a prisoner? Yes. I have to, I have to act this way to make my husband and his family like a, a approve me and happy. Or just respect me. Basic respect. Yeah. That's very sad. Yeah.
Yeah. Very sad. Like a bummer. It does. Okay. Why are these people getting married? I know. That's what like, I look at so many shows that you see. Like I watched 90 Day Fiance recently. Just some of the shows I'm like, well, granted that one's like so absurd, but even like some other shows like House Hunters and I'm like, why, like, why are you guys together? You're miserable. Like, why are you doing this?
That's goofy.
Visit Safeway.com for more details. Ugh, okay. One more before I let you off the hook. Am I the asshole for letting my family and friends disrespect my boyfriend by calling him by his first name? What, he's got a nickname? My boyfriend, 32 male, is a doctor. I met him through my dad back when we were traveling, and after we started dating, he started coming over to my hometown to visit.
When I introduced him to my family and friends, I told them his full name, then occupation, then mentioned the other stuff like age, hometown, etc. All good until months later when he started complaining about my family and friends referring to him by his first name and not putting doctor before it. I found this strange. I told him that his professional title was
But as a society, we use first names, nicknames, etc. He said he can't help but feel annoyed, especially considering that, quote, these people don't know him well. But it's been eight months now. Is there a boyfriend, girlfriend? Yeah. Okay. These people? These people. Yeah.
He said once we're married or engaged, then they can start referring to him using his first name. Break up. Break up. I'm done with this guy. Recently, he started correcting whoever my friends or family are that call him by his first name. His tone becomes aggressive, and then he goes on a long lecture about how they should put doctor before mentioning his name. It's become exhausting because my friends- Oh, gosh. This guy's intolerable. Yeah.
Because my friends and family can't understand his strange hangup and he keeps picking fights with them about it. Last night, we were visiting my parents and my dad called him Justin instead of Dr. Justin. My boyfriend started arguing with him, which caused a huge fight in the house and we ended up leaving. In the car, he went off on me saying I'm letting my family and friends disrespect him continually by letting them call him with just his first name.
I told him he was at fault here and he was being unreasonable because he's expecting, because what he's expecting is bizarre. He said he takes pride in his profession and that he sacrificed so much to get where he is today. And my family and friends literally lose nothing if they respect his wishes.
He called me an enabler and said that siding with them paints me in a bad light and advised me to step up and take a stand. But again, I thought he was overreacting and being hostile for no reason. We got home and he shut me down and refused to speak to me. Mom called me later and we talked a bit. Today he's gone completely radio-silent, but the look on his face is telling. Am I the asshole?
Just break up. Be done. This is absurd. Listen, he has the right to feel how he feels. It's absurd. Find someone who's so obsessed with doctors that they want to call you a doctor. Dr. Justin.
And what is the etiquette on doctors? Like if you're not my doctor. I'm a doctor. I'm literally a doctor, technically. I have a doctor degree. I don't go around being like, hi, I'm Dr. Morgan. Yeah. I don't even acknowledge that I have a doctorate. That's not a thing, right? For all doctors to just expect everyone to call them doctors if you're not their doctor. Like people with PhDs are technically doctors. Sure. Chiropractors are doctors. Like there's so many different doctors. But even like...
like a surgeon, like a brain MD, you know, kind of have that godlike complex. Do they even expect, like... I think if you're in the hospital and you're their patient. Sure, if you're in the hospital, if you're like a surgical rep, you know, and you call in a doctor, yeah. Professionally or patient-wise? Anything professional, call them doctor. I'm blown away by the ego on this man. Or the insecurity. The fact that he needs to, like...
like feel this reassurance, like, like, Oh, bow down, Dr. Justin. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure there's insecurities, but it seems like it comes more from a, like you said, he wants other people to acknowledge the work he thinks he put into it. Yeah. Right. And he wants other people to, yeah. I mean, it's this absurd. Pump his tires. He wants his tires to be pumped. Can you imagine like whatever profession, um,
Just because it's a doctor, like podcasters are out there. We decided we had some sort of designation to be referred by. Oh my gosh. Why? I'd be embarrassed for ourselves. You know, it's just absurd. It is. And there's no mention of what kind of doctor he even is. Yeah, it could be... It could be like me. He's an OT. Yeah, it could be foot doctor, foot...
We have no idea. And like, everyone works hard to get where they're at. Just because you're not a doctor, you could be a plumber, electrician, you could be a tradesperson, you could be whatever the fuck you are. It doesn't mean you didn't work hard to get there. What about, so, and if I were just to argue with this guy for fun, which I would really enjoy. I would.
Because he's talking about like, again, we're talking about like traditions here, right? So he has in his head that as a doctor, traditionally, like it's a sign of respect. I've earned this. Like it's the, you respect the community of doctors, but what about respecting your elders? What about that tradition? Yeah. And so he's expecting the father of the woman he says he loves that he's even like discussing marriage and he wants that person to refer to him as doctor. Does he call him, sir? Yeah.
That's a good question. Very good question. Let's see if there's any comments from... I don't know. I don't know why she's holding on to this relationship so hard either. People hold on to relationships well past when they should. I know. God, the ones I've just... We've all been there. We've all been there. Also, she probably loves that he's a doctor. Maybe. I mean...
I don't know. So one of the comments, you're the asshole. Doctors are pretty important to our society. Someone said what? Yeah. And deserve our respect. And, um, some, some more doctor. Literally. Uh, well, their username is blind optometrist. Okay. So there you go. So OP responds. Yeah. An optometrist. Who's like, like my brother's a dentist. I don't call him a doctor, but technically he is. I know he is a doctor. Yeah. Yeah.
Oh my God. But he definitely doesn't go like, but like, you know, the optometrist or the dentist, they might have a little bit of, Oh, the chiropractor got a chip on their shoulder, maybe a chip on their shoulder because like people don't treat them like, you know, well, you're not an MD or whatever. I could see, I could see certain people in those fields having the ego, you know, the certain dentists or certain optometrists who like,
you know, like overcompensate. 1000%. I literally just saw a TikTok the other day that was about like an in-flight emergency. And so as a flight attendant too, you were, yeah, I've done, I've done like everything. So, you know, as there's like a medical emergency or like you page over the system, you're like, is there a doctor on board? And this chiropractor made a video and he's like,
He's like, I typically wouldn't stand up, but I saved the day. This man thought he was having a heart attack and I gave him an adjustment and he was fine. And I think like, I think in that sense, like kind of like with the chip on the shoulder thing, I think if you're going to, if you're the person that can respond in a medical emergency on a plane, like you're typically a doctor. And I think those that are, that wouldn't like the chiropractor, the dentist might not respond in a medical emergency situation.
Those people that aren't traditionally doctors responding in those sense, that might be the way you categorize like chip on your shoulder or not. So it's just interesting to me. Yeah. I mean, my girlfriend's a surgical tech, not a doctor, but she helps in surgeries and she gave mouth to mouth to someone on a plane and helped and
Yeah. They were fine. That's really cool. She did not expect people to refer to her as doctor or just went about her day. You know, like you can be helpful without expecting something in return. For sure. It's just like, I think I'm just like trying to process like, where is this, this need for reassurance that you're a doctor coming from? Like, do you not get it enough every single day in your job? Probably not. Yeah. Or this, there's a sense of, you know.
Yeah. Maybe they get emasculated at home or something. I don't know. OP does respond to that one. She's like, my family has been absolutely nothing but respectful to him. They consider him family. That's why they found it hard to say doctor every time.
I couldn't imagine. Yeah. Someone else asked. If my brother came back after he graduated from dental school, an incredible accomplishment. Huge. You know, no one's done that in our family. Yeah. I'd be like, go fuck yourself. Like. Yeah. Call me Dr. Luke now. I'm like, bro. No. And that's not to say people that don't have that traditional like MD or DO or whatever aren't just as qualified or didn't work just as hard. Like.
I know CPR. I could help in an emergency too. If he was a brain surgeon, I would have told him like, no matter what he is. Yeah. And this guy, no matter what you are, we're still telling you you're an asshole. You're being weird about it. Yeah.
Someone else goes just like info. I'm curious about his cultural background. If he's not American, I could see very well. It could be a cultural difference. They're just like kind of going into like ask more things. Like if he's American though, it definitely sounds like he's a huge snob because that's definitely not something we usually do here.
OP responds, no, no cultural aspects of any kind here. We're both from the same background, just not the same town. He just has a massive ego. He has great expectations for himself and how he expects other people to treat him. Yeah. And I feel like those, that's as far as it goes. Some people only think about how people should treat them and they don't ever think about how, you know, how other people might want to be treated. Yeah.
He wants to be called doctor by this guy's dad with no respect for authority or elders. I doubt he calls him sir. No chance. No, it seems like a very one-sided street with this. Top comment on this one with 19,000 upvotes. I smell a narcissist, which you can't diagnose him, but very self-centered.
And OP responds, oh, you mean my boyfriend? Honestly, after what he did, I'm just not sure if he's reasonable or rational. And someone goes, yeah, God complex here. Co-parenting with this person. I know. Are your kids going to call you Dr. Justin until they grow up? Not any of that, but this is someone who's very like, I doubt they concede much of anything. No.
very difficult situation trying to communicate or like find common ground or compromise with this person. Yeah. He definitely sees himself as a level of authority and I doubt it stops past whatever he went to school for. Nope. This bleeds into every aspect of his life. Clearly. And he's like, he can't handle this. No, he's not just like annoyed. No. It's like calling her an enabler too. I'm just, this one, this one's crazy. My intern Alex found this one. It's her last day today. So thank you, Alex.
Well, that's all I have for you. This is fun. This is really good. You had such good insight and questions. And now we need to like send all of these people the video and just be like, keep us updated. We need to know.
There's no update on this doctor one. It was just posted 22 hours ago. Yeah, I just... I want some updates on some of them. I know. I'm really curious about macaroni and cheese. I will keep an eye on that one. I'll message her and ask for a personal update. I'll let you know. Just be like...
Was this all a surprise? Yeah. Did this not come up before you got engaged? I'll ask about her parents as well. Yes. Because that one was posted two days ago too, so. Yeah. Her parents is a big question. Big question mark there. Because like, what if mom and dad are still alive and met junior like a week after? Right after. Or was in the delivery room. I mean. Yeah.
Then you got some double standards and that's a problem. Yeah. For sure. Where can people find you? You can find me at Nick Viola on Instagram and TikTok. Okay. And you have your podcast. I have a podcast, The Viola Files, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. If you like this type of stuff, we do...
Every Monday we have an Ask Nick episode where people call in for relationship advice or just advice in general. Usually relationship focused, sometimes family focused, sometimes friend focused. And I just give them my point of view on how I see the situation. And I try to give a more honest point of view. So like, you know, whether they're kind of a...
invested in it and people find it entertaining and helpful. Yeah. But it's just meant to try to make you feel a little bit more in control or empowered when it comes to your own kind of
Yeah. I like that. I'm joining you this upcoming Monday. You are. So by the time this episode comes out, you can go and watch that episode with me and Nick. Yeah. And we'll be that, that one, we'll be talking all things like some pop culture, but we're talking some Johnny Depp, Amber Heard. Oh God, I'm so invested. We have a, just, we have a,
a doctor, a therapist calling in to give us some breakdown that we'll ask questions. I like it. This will be good. Well, thank you. So yeah, anywhere you listen to podcasts. Yeah, I love this. This was so much fun. Thank you for coming on. Thanks for having me. Yeah, it was a lot of fun. Until next time, guys. Bye. Bye.
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