2 Bears, 1 Dave w/ Dave Attell | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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- Wait, how old's your brother? - My brother's two years older than me. I have another one that's two years younger than me. - Really? - All white, if that was a question. - That's a big deal. - We'll be right back. - 100%.

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if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. Do you guys have an ashtray? Uh, yes. Thanks. My daughter Georgia started smoking. Oh no. Yeah, she was smoking vapes. It wasn't because of me, was it? That's war, you know? No, but I started buying her American Spirits. I want her to smoke cigarettes instead of vapes.

Have you guys seen the Gary Mule Deer documentary? You guys should watch it. He's like 100. You guys would never know him. Wait, which documentary? Gary Mule Deer. He was the guitar guy who would shoot an arrow with his guitar into a rubber chicken. And he does like a lot of one-liners and stuff like that. He's a classic like 70s guy. So, you know, if you want to see how the comedy before the boom, before the bust, before the boom, like, you know, take you back to prehistoric times. Wait, were you a part of the first boom?

No, I started comedy right at the end of it. So it was like, you know, really bad. And I was going to tell somebody else. I was like, you know, it was so bad on the road that like we thought, like I was thinking it was going to be something like where it's like,

You know, we do our show and then afterwards we have to fight the cook for like, you know, like bare knuckle boxing. Like that was really what it would be. But it was so bad. I mean, it was just terrible. What year was that? 87 is when I started. So I don't think comedy got good again until like the mid 90s. I remember because you on. When did you guys start? I started in 02. January. No way. Wow. Amazing. I'm coming up on like 37 in three years. I'll be doing it 40 years. So.

Holy shit. 43 years? 40. No, 40 years. It feels like that. I started when I was 26. I'm 51 today. Happy birthday. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. He just learned that he's 51. I thought I was 50. Adopted? Happy birthday. Have a cigarette.

No, I just turned 23, actually. I moved here when I was 22, and I started a few months later. Really? Yeah. Wow. So now you're coming up on what, like 20 years or something? 22 years. Amazing. Yeah, 22 years. So I must be 25, I'm guessing. I'm 51, so what? Yeah. Yeah, 25 years. That's great. You had the sports coat.

and the clean face. There was clean face. Yes. I remember that. And now it's all do-rag. Do-rag. For some beefs. Is this to get on Club Shay-Shay? Is that what you're wearing? Hey, everybody dresses like this down at the shelter. What is the do-rag? I don't know. I just figure, you know, the way things are going in the Middle East, better be ahead of my bets. Anyway, well, that's great, guys. So not even like, you know... So you guys never knew like a dry time in comedy? Well, I mean...

I don't know, like the early 2000s. When you both came to see me at Brea, right? I worked with you in Brea twice. Yeah, so there you go. But that was already, comedy was big, but it wasn't as big as it is now. Not like now. That was the... Look at Dave. Ew! Oh my gosh. Holy... Wow, I didn't know I ran the Ukraine. Look at that. Ah, look at that thinning.

Yeah. Thinning to bald. I saw your Aspen set where they had the gondola behind you. Yes. I remember that set. Yeah, we all thought Aspen was going to be the Nashville, but it didn't turn out that way. Right. It was like high altitude. Everybody's gasping for breath. Yeah.

The crowd is so rich, they can care less. Now, when you did... All right, can we get that off? When we did... I really hate watching myself. When you did Montreal, was it still... Because when I did it, everyone had the high hopes. They're like, this is where careers get made. But we learned, they're like, oh, no, that's over now. Because I went for the first time in 07. They're like, it's basically... Yeah, no, that's where I remember Mitch Hedberg crushed...

And like, you know, there was deals for him after that. And also Larry, the cable guy, that's where he played. And like, you know, he had, he had the best set of, we were playing Jimbo's or some comedy room there. And he just, he just killed it. And I think that also led to stuff that was still happening. That was the, nothing, nothing. Now that was the legendary Mitch Hedberg where he did the set.

And then Dave Becky got him on a plane and got him out of there. Really? They were like, he went up, did like one set and destroyed. Everyone started flooding him with deals.

and dave becky's like you can only this up yeah yeah get the out just just leave you're gone that's good that's good yeah it's great advice i wish i'd taken that a few times because once you do good then you then especially a guy like me you get a few drinks in you and start feeling yourself to people well that was the whole thing there it was just like it was the party and then it was the uh the shows and

And like, I have to say the crowds were like the nasty show. They were great. And Bobby Slayton used to be the host and he was a star and Dom Ierar, those guys, like they kind of like ran Montreal and the crowds were great. And I think that was because like Bobby had like a broke them like horses. Like he showed them what to do, what not to do. And like doing that show, like you felt like a rock star.

And then I did it years later and it was the worst. It was nasty. It was nasty then. Yeah. Because everyone was clean. Everyone was trying to get a television development set. No one was going up talking about putting thumbs in asses. And then you'd go up and now it's like they do the nasty show and I'm like, oh, people are just doing their sets. But it's also the crowd became like this kind of feral, wild, like almost like at a casino. Here's some comps. Go see the nasty show. Yeah. So I'm sure it's better now. I know the guy runs the festival. He's a great guy. And yeah, I mean, like, you know, it's really difficult to...

to like do festivals, especially since now there's festivals everywhere. So there are, would you start? Cause I always felt like, uh, the, um, the tour that you do for the festival. Yeah, I would, I don't know what that's going to be. I, I, I honestly, right now I'm just doing it so I can spend time with my daughters in the summer. Oh, that's cool. And, and like, and my favorite comics, we just put out an offer to Christina, see if she could, we got her to go. I have good luck. Where'd it go? Where? To the fully loaded, do fully loaded. Oh,

A run? Just do like a week. Oh, sure. Yeah. And then we do the cruise. How does that go? Oh, fucking hell. So you mix with the crowd through the cruise? Oh, yeah. By the way, you got to pick the right comics. It's funny.

In doing the tour, I've realized there are comics you can say that are on the tour that get everyone to go on the tour. Like, when you did the first tour, everyone immediately was like, hey, can I hop on? Really? You didn't know that? You didn't? No, I had no idea. Oh, if I can get you... Louis Black was a big one because everyone wants to meet him. Like, no one gets to spend time with him. And then you get a night hanging out with him and everyone's, like, cornering him. Well, you're helping me out, man. No, but you...

We got you to go to... Scranton VA? Yeah, you know. No, we went out to that bar in Dayton. Oh, yeah, that was a flashback. It was like crazy. It was like, who wants to go out? And everyone's like, I don't know. It was late night. And Dave goes, let's go. And everyone was like, Tommy, we put 15 people in a fucking...

van for like eight people. I was sitting on the floor. Everyone was like, we're going. And then we went to the bar. You're impressive because you kind of did what I did on that show, which is like you went shot for shot with everybody. And unlike the rest of them, you had someone to be the next day. They didn't. I went out with Dave in Brea one time. This is during...

Wow. The TGIF? During the insomniac days? Yeah. Yeah. I just remember I woke up in an apartment, someone's apartment. Wow. Like I blacked out and woke up in an apartment just trying to keep up with the whiskey shots. Smells like a book deal to me. You know, the thing is like, I give you guys a lot of credit because like,

You know, now that you're at the point where like, I guess you can control your travel, but can you imagine being like that hung over on a regular flight on a spirit air? How like bad that would go? You were, you, you, that, that I remember I did when the weekend George was born, they were like, we have a, you can work that weekend. She was born on a Wednesday. And I was like, I probably should stay home with my daughter. And they go to tell in Miami. I was like, I'll be there.

I left Thursday morning. George was born on a Wednesday. I left Thursday morning. It was a tell. Yeah. And so I went down and I was like ready to party and you were sick and you were like the first night you're like, uh, like, ah, I'm not going out. I don't feel good. And I was like, okay. So I drank at the bar Friday night. You're like, you, you sense that I was like waiting to go party and you're like, like,

Like, I'm not feeling good. We'll go out tomorrow night. And so I was like, okay, cool. And then Saturday night, you're like, give me one more night. Well, I promise you we'll go out Sunday night. So then Sunday night came around and you looked and you were like, okay, let's do it. And we went out to a bar and I had never seen anything like that in my life. Everyone was throwing shots at you. And you were like, I can't, I can't. And then I was just taking every single one with you. Yeah, no, you're good, man.

And let's face it, that story says something you are a super fan of mine and a debatable dad. All right, you know, you can have kids anytime, but some hack is playing in Florida. I got to check that out. Listen, 20-some years, that still holds true. No, I love that you bring, like, your whole family on that tour. That's really cool. And I also like the bragging rights those kids have. I love that they, like, I love that for Father's Day, me and Georgia sat and watched a television show.

Atel together on Father's Day. Well, that's terrible. It was fucking awesome. We sat in the, we did yoga in the outfield that afternoon. I think we flew on a private jet that morning.

Yes, that was a great story because it was from where? It was like from Ohio to Rochester. It's like no one ever takes a private... Even the president wouldn't do that. It's just like, look at us, everyone. They were like... You did that for us, though. I did that because you and Big J were there. And I was like, everyone wanted to be on the private jet. But you were cool because the money is expensive. You guys know more than me, but you're like...

They have all the snacks and you're like, take everything. Honestly, it was like a 30 minute flight. I said, everyone went to go grab seats and I was like, hey,

Two seats there, Dave and Big Jay, me, and I don't give a fuck who's sitting next to me. And I was like, but I'm sitting across from these guys. I'm drinking in the morning with these guys. And then Big Jay had a couple cocktails and then we just, me and Jay just hammered you with questions. Fuck yeah. Well, Jay's a buddy of mine too. Jay and I used to go on the road together also. He's a monster headliner now. He's doing great. But I was going to ask you, like,

On your run, man, you're hitting towns that I never could hit, like Mississippi. I've never played Mississippi, so I'm looking forward to that. It's going to be fun. And it's in the summer. Mississippi in the summer. There are the big names like

Like J's, I mean this with love, but J's like a name that you say J's doing the tour. And everyone's like, yeah, man. Because J's such a fun hang. Oh, yeah. It's all about like Soder is just a great fucking hang. He's a great guy. He's a great comedian. You got some really big names there too. Yeah. I mean, when I did it, you had, who was on that one? That was Shane was doing it too. Shane Gillis. Shane Gillis, I think he told me. It's weird because Shane's gotten so big you can't.

You can't go to his agent. You can't follow him. He's really hard. He's a hard follow. I gave it up to you too, man. You had to follow all that act. I followed Joey Diaz and Shane Gillis all night. And I remember being like... I remember my daughter's like, you go next. I was like, yeah, I know. It's death wish. I was like, don't worry. I take my shirt off. It's death wish. But Shane Gillis is like, man, he...

he's really hit his stride. Yes. I feel like, I feel like, did you feel like in your career there was a point when you figured it out enough that like everything you were saying was just popping? No. I feel like every, every time it's like,

you know, debatable, like whether, you know, it depends when you go in front of your crowd, you kind of like my crowd gets it. They love jokes. They love other comics. I always ask them who you went to see. They've always gone to see you guys. They love you guys. But when you go like at the cellar late night, you get a lot of tourists there. There's a guy there with his rolling bag, you know, he's heading out for a flight. So I'm always like,

you know, if it works here, it's going to work. But, you know, at some point you're like, it's, you know, it's two in the morning, you know, half of the people in here kind of don't want to be here now, but I'm still going to try something. And then I get angry at them. And then, and the people at work that go, that's my favorite part when you get angry, you know? So,

I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing it there for, but I guess it's habit. But it's also like we know that you have to go on, like you guys go into the store, you have to go on in front of people who don't know you too. That's part of comedy. That's the best part about jumping on shows unannounced is that you're getting an honest take. It's tough though too because especially if you have a style that does work with your fans. I feel like I've created this

For lack of better words, like this Harry Potter type story of my family. So everyone knows these characters. And then when I go in and I go, yeah, my wife's old as fuck. They're like, yo, that's your wife. And I'm like, oh, yeah, but. Yeah, yeah. But what if it's like the one night you don't want to talk about that? You want to work on something else. Then they feel cheated. It's all jokes. Yeah. I have so many jokes right now. Oh, so many. Wow. I have a theory that school shootings was our problem.

like our fear was getting pulled in the back of a truck, fucked, and then your head cut off and left in a drainage ditch. Right. Those kids, all these kids are just afraid of school shooters. I was like, I think our fear was worse. Yeah. Well,

Well, when I was growing up, it was cults. Like, you don't want to get brainwashed and get cult. Yeah. And our parents, it was the Cold War. Yeah. Everyone get under their desks. Yeah, the Ruskies. Yeah, everyone, every generation has a fear. So I've been trying to work on... I've been trying to work on a joke that tethers addiction to alcoholism. What? Yeah.

your two favorite things you got a powerpoint you can show me how this so whatever i mean you guys are working on new hours right yeah you're working on yeah and i've seen like that's amazing turnaround man like i think i'm like spent now it's gonna be what's the name yeah uh hot cross buns that's the name yeah it's not y'all ain't shit what no no okay okay

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It's really hard to domain name that. Hot cross buns? Hot cross buns. Yeah. You'll figure out why when you watch it. What? Shot it in Cobbs. And the one thing I wanted to do, and I'd like your opinion on this, is like going into it, I said to everybody, my director, really great guy, Scott Kellogg, I said,

I want it short. I want it really short. I feel like no one has an attention span now. And that since I have to keep touring anyhow, you know, it really is not like I'm going to be able to take a year off or anything like that. I'm going to have to go right back on the road. But that wasn't it to save jokes. I really didn't. I gave away most of my, pretty much everything good I had. So I was like,

I just want it short because I think that I pop better since my stuff is really short. Like there's like 90 jokes in the 30 minutes. So what are you saying? Your skanks for memories is the, what is for me, the prototype of how special should be done. Cause there is, you never, you never in that special. And this is so important to me. You don't ever go back to a subject.

Like once you cover something, you move forward. But I think, don't you think that's because I was talking, I work a lot with Louis Katz, who's a great joke writer, by the way. And, you know, the guys I work with also are like into jokes. So I'm like, I always have like that one good joke. And then I'm like, and that should open up a conversation about the topic. And it's like, I never have that. Right, right, right.

Yeah, but you just keep firing jokes, though. Yeah, but it's kind of sad that, like, you know, because there's guys who are really good at that of where it's like, you know, this is like I'm opening the door to the house of this topic. And now we're going to beat up the topic. There's so much stuff in there, you know, and I don't seem to get that, you know? Yeah. Mulaney's like that. I think Mulaney's so fucking talented. Mulaney, man, talk about, like, another beautiful special. That last one he did, man, that looked great, you know?

you know yeah some of these are like better looking than movies i mean like they're just like the cinematography and all incredible i think those guys have a vision i think like guys like mulaney probably entered this business with a bigger view of what this business could be he's like a yeah i think he has a lot of skill set to that guy like you know i know he can write he can do that so you you guys both have like a lot of other talents you know the best part of millennia said he was addicted to coke

That's the best part? Yeah, I think that's... It is just an extra layer on that onion. Where you go, there's a danger in him. Right. And I like... Mulaney's brilliant before I knew that, but when I found that out, I went... I love guys that like running their finger through the flame. Like, I don't know. It's always been... It's the darkness. I love the darkness. Like, Artie... When Artie...

you know, Artie Lang. Artie Lang. He's a very good friend of mine. I love Artie Lang. I'll always love Artie Lang because you know that there's a part of Artie that's a little deeper than you, than you, than you, than he's letting you in on sometimes. Artie's one, you know, I was like, be real and all that stuff. Is there nobody realer than him? Nobody. And I've seen, you know, you know, like Artie is totally sober. I can tell you that with sincerity. And even though he's going through some hard times, you know, he like would,

would never pull back from like, he tells his, his stories are worth listening to. And they're like exciting. But I've seen him done it in front of today's, I guess you could say woke crowd. And they're like, what, what is it? Like all the things he says, you know, like a lot of it is,

So, you know, whatever. I guess they can't deal with it. They don't want to hear it. That's basically, you know. It's like too honest. Yeah, but it's also so funny. I mean, like, you know, you can't really like... I mean, this guy really has lived a life. And he's kind of set up the prototype for the way a lot of us podcast. Because when he was on Star... Yeah, he's great on the mic. No one's better than him. No one. I remember...

I remember driving from the Borgata into New York to get a flight home, listen to Stern and they were talking and he, I think it was the time he opened up about using heroin. Yeah. And I remember being like, he's telling us this, like this is like that kind of vulnerability though. Yeah. Well, you know, people love them. And I think there's also the flip side of having like a fanatical crowd like that, which is like, you don't want to disappoint them. I'm sure you have the same thing. Yeah. So,

you know you want don't want to let them down you know you got to be there for them all the time so artie's the best man i like i i love that guy he's awesome i remember that i can remember little things in your career i don't know i don't know did you ever have probably not the equivalent but like first person ever compliment me on a joke was jim norton i remember when arty lang followed me on twitter i remember when norm mcdonald uh the first time i met norm mcdonald like i remember those moments well

I love that you brought up Norton because I was just talking about him too, that he doesn't get enough props. He really is a great comic. So yeah, no, we've talked about it. We've talked about it. Yeah. Like his stuff is really good. It's really good. And I see him at the cellar, you know, like he goes on way earlier than me. He has a radio show and all that. But like when I get to see him, I always want to see like,

his new stuff. Cause he's working on new stuff and he doesn't like, I pander to the crowd sometimes, you know, Hey, what are you going to do with this kind of stuff? He didn't, he never does that. He just does what he wants to do. And, and the same thing like, you know, like Ari Shaffir, who also goes on late at the cellar. Like I go like, you're doing what you're supposed to be doing at a late spot on an off night. Here I am. Like, I'm just like, like just basically going, you know, nuts, you know, up here, but he's working on actual material, you know?

I think Ari is underrated in comedy. He is a true comic spirit. Yeah. Like flawed at times because everything for him is about, I was trying to tell a joke. As upset as you've gotten at him, the things he's done, he always has this good intention of like, yeah, but we're comics. Yeah, yeah. This is what we're supposed to do.

I'd put it this way. He's a great skier. You know, he skis. Yeah. And for our people, that is a big win. That was a ceiling that needed to be crashed. And no, he really is always fun to watch. And like, he doesn't take the easy road. That's the other thing. So what are you guys thinking like for this year? I mean, like,

Just more touring, right? No, I'm taking time off. But you were overseas, right, Tom? Yeah, I started overseas in Asia. But last year I did Australia, South America, and Europe. How was South America? It was awesome. I did Argentina. I did a show in Chile. And I did Mexico City. Mexico City, by the way, is just like doing a show in Houston.

I mean, it was... More like El Paso. It was... But like full fluency. So like when you do like Chile, we did Santiago and we did Buenos Aires, Argentina. You get people that are... They know the show is advertised to be in English and they come and they get it. But there's a level of fluency. You forget that like Mexico City, you know, there's so close...

to the States. Yeah. You have like a lot more fully bilingual people. So Mexico City is an international city. I've run into comics from Mexico City in New York and like they're like we got our own scene down there. Also a fucking impressive city. Yeah. Oh for sure. You got like that city is massive.

massive and it's like it has everything that you would want in like a new york or la it's it's cool it's very cool i can't leave the country because of my mom like she has dementia so i'm always afraid that like i'll be away when she's doing something you know sure she's in the gun cabinet you would love to do a show there yeah no i would i love the international stuff i've done i would say the crowds were like the smallest part of it because it's just you're in another country yeah you know have you done asia

Never done. I've only done what USO tours, mostly the Middle East. Yeah. And then whatever I did on the Insomniac show, we always did shows like we did Japan, I guess. You have to do UK though. Yeah. No, I've done that years ago. Yeah. But like I heard their scene there is like exploded to the point. Like I wouldn't even recognize it now. There's a lot of guys move there from the, from the States and they. Patrice was going to move there at one point. Oh, how cool would that have been? Cause he, he was, he, it was right around like when I was,

Probably 27. He was like, he was getting big in Amsterdam and the UK. People loved him. Yeah. And he was like, you know, maybe I remember we were doing Edinburgh. And he's like, maybe this is the move. Like, maybe they seem to get me here. And really? Yeah. And then just shortly after that, ONA really took off for him. Yeah. And then, and then, but I think he still did. He dated a chick in the UK for a long time.

I don't know about living there. That would be kind of like a lot. But I think, you know, Stan Hope would go there for weeks and they like were, you know, reviewing his shows and all that kind of stuff. It was a lot of pressure on him. But he always said like, you know, it was a cool scene, you know. Yeah. It's a different vibe. It was a different vibe of stand-up back then. Because it was very much like everyone had a new hour. Their hours were thematic. Yeah. And it was like, it was a lot of puns.

I remember me, Voss, and Patrice watched this comedian. And I remember Patrice's mouth was open. He was like, I don't get it. And I was like, yeah, I didn't really get it either. But Patrice was just like...

Did you ever do Melbourne International Comedy Festival? Never. We never had that kind of cash to go to these other places. I did that one in 2011, and it's huge. The Melbourne Festival is huge. And there's like 300 shows going on in a night. It's fucking wild. It takes over the city. And there's a lot. It's funny because international acts, some of them, they'll be like, it's their show that year. They're like, I had a show last year. This year's show is about my dad.

Like that's, that's like the fucking, I don't know about that. Yeah. I really, I feel like, you know, that's like, that's not my scene. Yeah. Kind of like long form storytelling. Yeah. It's like, it's, but it's also like,

But Jimmy Carr is a joke guy. He's a joke guy. Him and I, I know him, and I like Jimmy, and I like the fact that he slams out those jokes. And he also comes up with a new hour every year, too. It's a lot of joke writing. But these long-form Iliad kind of things that they're doing over there, I don't know about that. Bone broth? Are you fasting? What's that? Bone broth? Would you like some bone broth? No, I'm okay. Yeah, it's got some kick to it. Will that stop the rains? I have no...

Tom and I are intermittent fasting. Wow. Oh, you guys really are on it. We're trying to lose weight. I think you've lost some weight. I have lost weight. Since I last saw you, I definitely lost weight. But I just was like... Do you guys have a bed or something?

No, we're doing a 5K. You want to do our 5K? Are you guys going to get so thin that you both can wear the same pair of pants at the same time? One in each leg? We would be great conjoined twins comics. That'd be great, yeah. We could get conjoined. If I die, if my liver goes out, take just my head, sew it onto your shoulder, and twirl it.

and tour with me that's a great idea those uh those you mean like like a side head yeah like a side those conjoined facing the other direction so you can't hear i'm off mike turn me around tom and then no but he's the he's the back of the day guy back in the day a guy could say this those conjoined twins that are teachers they're married to different guys yeah it's not wild

where's their Hulu deal? I think they actually have one. Well, he's doing the bone broth. Now, what kind of exercise are you guys doing? I lifted this morning and then I do, I run. And then, then some MMA in the evening. Sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. I, I was, do you ever run? No, I have a bad knee and I'm, um,

pretty much COPD at this point. I jump rope till someone knocks on the window, like when you do it in a hotel and somebody knocks, like, could you stop doing that thing in there? When was your first cigarette? You know, I grew up, I was like bronchitis and all kinds of stuff. So I would say my 20s is when I really got hooked into it. No shit. But the, you know, I smoked before that, but it was really like,

I'm standing in front of a comedy club or I'm in a club. And like back then you could smoke inside in bars and all that kind of stuff. So it just was so natural. And I was just thinking about it when I was standing and smoking in front of San Diego where, you know, I have plenty of company down there on the street late at night. I mean, it's really pretty off the hook. At the end of Gaslamp District? It's just like, you know, this is like, if I had the time back of smoking in front of places, that would be great. You know, I spent years, I think, doing that. That and also waiting on flights. Like that's probably...

two or three years of my life i think you know i think i wish i'd never drank on planes

Yeah, see, I don't know how you could do that because I never did that. For real? Never, never. What was your drinking like? I would drink after the shows and like, you know, like late. But, you know, I'm like kind of raised like, you know, work, you know, like a worker guy. So it's like, you know, no matter how hungover you are, we want you in there in the morning and like, you know, don't don't puss out on us. So that's how I always felt about it. But, you know, let's face it, like once you're able to do something, you'll do it. So, yeah.

when when you drink on a plane though what happens when you get like hey i feel like you know

Well, is it a private plane or a regular? No, no, no. I mean, I drink on those too. Private I could see, but on a regular one, you're going to get in trouble. I have a hard time staying sober on a private plane. I'm not flying private anymore because I'm trying not to drink on flights. And I can't not drink on a private flight. Yeah, I think it's built for that. Yeah, and so I got to be honest with you. They're more steady on the big planes. And I have a fear of flying. You do? Yeah, I have a real bad fear of flying. And so I would... It started when I was younger. My dad...

My dad's the one that started it. I was 18. I was getting ready to go to college. We were flying from the islands back to the States. And I was nervous. And I had cried on the flight there. You cried? I still cry on planes from anxiety. And if I don't drink. Not less now, but bad when I was younger. And my dad was like...

Jesus Christ, just have a fucking drink already. And I was like, what? And he goes, it'll relax you. So my dad got me a drink and I murdered it. And then he got me another one and I murdered it. I was like 18. And I was like, I don't feel any fear anymore. And I got on the plane and I was like, well, this is what I'll do. And so I drank. I've always drank on flights. What was your fear that it's going to crash? Of death. It's a fear of death. I feel claustrophobic on these planes. That's my biggest fear is that...

we'll all get in the locked the door and go like guess what we're going to be here for 12 hours and it's happened to me like where i've been there for many hours and i'm like you know you people don't get it i'm claustrophobic like i could flee that would be a great time for a drink like you never drank on planes no that was not my thing only when i drive hello sorry no i my favorite thing in the world is to get nice and lit on a plane start listening music and writing down ideas i love really

I don't know. It just is really like it gets me inspired. Like I feel creative and I feel loose. I feel comfortable. Really? Yeah, yeah. And...

And so I don't... You've done other... Like, have you done parachuting or gliding or all that kind of stuff? Skydived. So that's pretty amazing for guys afraid of being on a plane. I did it for money. Kind of crazy. Oh, okay. I did it for a TV show. Was it a TikTok challenge? I did. I had to jump out of a plane over Montana. And Montana is... I mean, not everywhere spread out, but for some reason, it looked real spread out. Like, it looked like you could see forever. And that anxiety, that's agoraphobia. Yes. I get agoraphobia...

scuba diving too is just the idea of the endlessness of it freaked me out and the plane was bouncing around everywhere and it took forever to get to 15,000 feet. Wow. And it was a tiny plane and I was fucking terrified.

And that was the last time I jumped out of a plane. I'll never jump out of a plane again. Yeah, I did it one time too. You did do it? Yeah. Have you done it? No. You did it for the military. No, I did it because I was 17 and me and my brother wanted to do it and I had really cool parents. They're like,

well, like sign this. They didn't even know what it was. And it was the release and they let us do it. So I mean, how old is your brother? My brother's two, two years older than me. I have no one's two years younger than me. Really? All white. If that was a question, we'll be right back. No, I, yeah. So we were like, you know, that kind of kid, you know, like,

mix it up and that kind of stuff. But I would say now, like ziplining, I wouldn't do that. You have young kids. Do they do that? Yeah. Georgia and I both went ziplining. These kids are pretty brave when you think about some of the stuff they do. All that parkour stuff where they're climbing over stuff. Georgia just started rock climbing. Wow. And that's something you do when you're young. When you get older, I think you have a fear. I've been stuck on a rock where you can't

You can't get your next grip and you're stuck and you're just frozen. And that's fucking pretty terrifying. Well, now I'm at that age where I'll only do that stuff if I survive cancer. You know, it's like, hello, Mount Everest. I made it. I'm still here, everyone. Wait, are your brothers funny?

Now, you know, we're kind of like worker people. You know, like we like hardcore worker people. My sister's funny. My mom was funny, but she has dementia now. So she just laughs, you know, that crazy laugh with no light in her eyes. But I don't know. Do you think that's part of it? Like your family's funny? My sister, Cotty, is way funnier than I am. Really? And my sister, Annie, when you put us in a group, I'm the very least funny, which isn't shocking. Wow. I've always been better at being able to...

Be funny to strangers, but not with my family. My sister, Kati, is fucking hysterical. I remember when she moved out here, I was like, you have to do stand-up. You have to do stand-up.

And she didn't, I don't know what she does now, but she like works at Fox or Disney or something. You don't know what she does. You don't know what she does. I know what she kind of does, but I always say it wrong. So I don't really, if it's not about me, I don't really listen a ton. My dad was funny. I mean, like, you know, I feel like if you live in a house where like, you know, like super sarcastic, verbally abusive, like the funny follows, you know, like that kind of thing. So, but then there's people like these, like cold houses, you know, where it's like, you know,

My dad's resting. Don't go to study. See, I think my mom is really funny. She's really funny. Yeah, your mom is funny. She's funny as shit, but I don't think my sisters are that funny. I think your sisters are fucking hilarious. Yeah. Have you ever met his sisters, Dave? No, what do they do? They are fucking awesome. Something at Fox or something? I don't know. Some network shit. No, they're kind of funny. They're bigger personalities than him. You're more like your dad.

Yeah. His dad was more like a funny but quiet dude, right? Yeah, I wouldn't say he was funny. Quiet. He was a quiet man. I don't think he was funny. He loved jokes. He loved jokes. He like...

like joke joke you know i mean like what's like if i told a story on stage he was like what is that wow he's a joke guy he's a joke guy for sure yeah yeah but i mean you know he's different generation like those guys grew up on street jokes and like and those party uh vinyl you know like they would have like put on a red fox or something he brought me to a dinner one time with his friends this is like i've been doing stand-up probably i don't know 10 15 years

And like these older guys, these guys were like in their seventies and eighties. And they're like, all right, like go, like, let's hear some of your stuff. from you. Yeah. I was like,

what and they're like well what's one of your jokes and i was like it's not like that and they're like what do you mean and i go yes you know and then he goes well i'll tell you so he starts telling me yeah you know it's two blondes and they're hanging out in the bar and you're like oh okay and they're like now you go i was like no i don't i don't have that we all know those jokes they're really hard to come up with you know like it was like three guys into this and that and i was because i was telling somebody else i was like you know

that's almost like, you know, like for some reason, all those jokes have been written already and there's no new ones. Like it's really hard to come up with them, you know? Yeah. I called stand up one day and I said, what are you doing? He said, I'm having a grapefruit and vodka. Uh,

trying to write a knock-knock joke. Yeah. And I said, really? And he goes, yeah, I figure we got to be as good as those guys, right? And I was like, I guess. And he was like, so we got to come up with a knock. Like, I'm just sitting here trying to write a knock-knock. And I thought that was like. Yeah, that's cool. It's cool the way Doug's brain works where he's like, just going like, I'm not going to work on, I'm going to just try to see if I can write a knock-knock joke.

I think I said this the last time we got together. He was always my favorite comic. He always represented... He was always ahead of the game, if you ask me. He...

Did his specials and then he did his own specials. He's like, I'm not going to wait on them to like, and I'm not going to censor myself and like, I'm going to release them myself and all that kind of stuff. And he also like did the book thing before anybody did. Yeah, he did. And his, his road is no one does it like him with that one show, get in the van, move to the next town. It's like real vaudeville style. You know, he's not doing amphitheaters. He's not doing this. He's doing clubs, bars,

car washes, whatever it is. And then he moves on to the next one. So, you know, back in the day when we used to party and everything like that, like, you know, we had super connection that way. Now, you know, his Bisbee, you know, the Bisbee experience is like, you know, I'm really glad that he kind of found his thing, you know, like,

I don't know if he ever comes here. Does he come to LA? Cause he won't come to New York. I know I've asked him a million times, like come by the cellar and go on. I'll bring you on. He won't. He doesn't want to do it. So he ran his new hour at the store and he was, I went in the back and watched. It was fucking amazing. It was amazing. And you know, he's just self-deprecating. He's like, ah, and I was like, he had, he had, have you heard the joke he has about the telemarketer? No, it's,

I couldn't do it because I'd fuck it up because it's so complex. But basically, it is leveraging racism versus right. And he forces the audience to pick which one they don't like more. Yeah. Now, Doug doesn't pull the punches. That's for sure. No, he's so fucking good. And...

He's someone, when he tours, I always say he had probably the best taste in comics too. When he did the Unbookables, he discovered Sean Rouse for me. Sean Rouse was, Leanne calls him a scoundrel, but he had a mischievous look in his eye. Yes.

He, he's still in my mind, one of the best joke writers because he had a lot of problems. You know, he had a rheumatoid arthritis, serious drug, you know, and all that kind of enabling. And like, uh, most of the people that I know who knew Sean and we all were like, he got us sober. I actually paid to put them in rehab. So,

the people who did get rheumatoid arthritis go like, now I get him. Now I know why this is so painful all the time that this poor guy was living with this. And he had it when he was like 17, 18, whatever it was, 19 years old. His whole adult life was with, with this thing. And for him to like,

still do the kind of stuff that he did. He's an amazing guy. I'm really lucky I was able to tour with him as much as I did. He bit me one time. Did he ever like... Talk about drinking. I mean, like this guy really knew how to do it. I used to look at those. Have you ever seen a guy drink with a claw? Like his hand. Have you ever seen his hands? Yes. There was a thing about me that I've always liked

I've always... Anyone who's a drinker, I always wanted to have a moment. Like, Zach used to be a drinker. Galvin Atkins. He was a fun fucking drinker. He's another guy I think is like a talent beyond, you know, like... There's talented people and then there's Zach. Zach really is super talented. I walked into his... He stayed at...

one of the Gramercy Park Hotel. It was an older hotel in New York that hadn't been renovated yet. It had a real 1970s vibe. I remember partying with them and then a bunch of us went back to his hotel room and he was like, and it's kind of a look into Zach's brain, but he kind of pulled me off the side and he's like, can I show you why I love this place? He is like an artist too. He was like, come here. And he took me into the bathroom and there was a bottle opener next to the toilet.

and it was it was it was put on the wall and it was a marble wall like a like a steel a tile wall yeah what hotel is this the gramercy park hotel and he goes they had a bottle opener in the bathroom yeah like that's how they used to do it i made it and i was like and i was like wow and then hung out with them all he's and he was never like the last time i ran into him was at brody's funeral

And he's obviously a huge movie star. And he came up and he's like, Burt, Zach Galifianakis. And I was like, I definitely remember you. Yeah. We all know who you are, Zach. And he was like, well, it's good. I think he quit drinking. You know, I know Brody for years. Oh, Zach? Yeah. Yeah, no, he's... Brody quit drinking too. But, uh...

But like, you guys probably know, you probably spent more time with Brody than I did, but I feel like every time I was with Brody Stevens, it was memorable because really just immediately would light into each other and like he was always good with the back and forth and just his like...

um you know he used to do audience audience warm-up amazing so like he was used to going on to like people with no reaction cold you know so seeing him do his act and the way he would do that like a man like where it's always about him i loved it it was so what what uh what uh you know another guy like just said you know you ever hear the story of how they sold uh

his TV show to HBO well Zach walked in and they go so what are we trying to sell and Zach's like there's no way to explain Brody to you and they're like well and Brody's in the room and they go like give us an example and he goes Brody top five streets in LA and he goes Sepulveda, Saticoy and just named his five favorite streets and he goes tell us why you love him and he just went off on the streets in LA and they sold it in the room and they were like I don't know if they know what we bought they didn't know what they sold even

Well, he would connect with me always whenever I got in the store about Starbucks because he knew I liked... And sports because he knew I liked sports. So he would...

He would be like, do you have your Starbucks today? And I was like, yeah. He's like, I go, he's like, do you get it when you travel? I go, always. He's like, that's what I like about them. Consistency. I was like, yeah, that's very consistent. And then he would always be like, how are your teams doing? The FSU win this weekend? And I was like, no, they lost. And he'd be like, too bad. He's like getting ready for spring ball. He would get excited about spring ball coming up. So you just talk about

football with me baseball because he loved baseball he loved yeah he was a baseball player I didn't know that about him legit like he was a legit pitcher was he a pitcher legit pitcher and then uh yeah but how many years ago is this now like five ten well I mean like how many yeah now we're talking I mean the conversations we were having were 10 years ago I think he's been gone what five six years ago it was before the pandemic was before all that stuff yeah

It seems there's a lot of mental angst out there right now in the scene here. Do you feel like, do you have self-imposed pressure to be good? No, my pressure is to come up with new material every time I go on stage. It's like I have something new, just even a little bit. Because I think I said this before, is that when I started, I was the doorman at the original improv in New York. And I would see the same guys go up. This is like there was no audience there, 12. Yeah.

20 people at the most. Like, comedy is dead. It's dead. Even, I think even Dice now is doing movies. He wasn't even touring at that point, whatever it was. But it was like, you know, these people come in and these guys would just go up and do the same jokes every night. And I said to myself, if I ever get on

if I ever get spots like these guys, I'm going to try something new all the time. And I've done that where like, even if it's the smallest thing or to say it differently, I tried to make the most of every stage time. And I think that's important, especially for guys like us, since we get on a lot and for the new people that once they get to that point, they should always like try and push it, you know, little, little steps lead to big things. So that's what I think. Yeah. I remember. Cause I've told this story, how I still remember that when I did one of those weekends with you,

I would watch your set and you know, at like the 30 minute mark, it would be this one bit, right? I forget what it is, but when you get to the, I get to the punchline and it was like, it's show one. I saw it and like it worked like big laugh. Yeah. And then show two, you switched it out. Right. And then I was like, Oh, he switched it. And then show three,

You switched it, but to another punchline and show four. And I was like, oh, every show, this bit has a different line you're trying. Well, I always feel like, you know, people always go punchlines, punchlines. I'm always like, it's setups. You know, like I feel at this point coming up with new setups is so difficult. That's why I love that you incorporate all that family stuff into it. And it's funny. It's not like one of these where like,

okay, now we're going to hear about a family. No, it's funny. It's, it's like not P it's not PC family stuff. It's real family stuff. And I like that. And I'm like kind of jealous in a way. I'm like, wow, you have all these different topics to talk about, you know? Yeah. Like if you go with your family to the ice cream museum, it means something different than when I go alone. Yeah.

But yeah, thanks for noticing that because that to me was like, just like, it keeps it fresh. It keeps the joke fresh for me, but it also keeps me on my toes, you know? Yeah. You had a joke when I was real young that I watched you like pick apart, but the whole, you would put it all over the place and it was about hitting a man in the head with a hammer. Mm.

And you were like, ah. And it was fun to go watch and sit in the back and find, especially watch different shows and go, oh, the hammer's here now. The hammer's there. And I think, I've said this a million times, but I was that guy that got...

15 minutes and was like, good, I'm set. And then I worked with you that weekend in Miami and I did like Thursday. All I wanted you to do is go great set Thursday. And I got off stage. You're like, how were they? I go, they're good. You're going to kill. And you killed. And then Friday first show I got off. You're like, how'd you do? Or how were they? I said, good. You're going to kill. And then you killed. And Friday late show, I go out and I was like,

And I just go, they're good. And you go, how about writing some new jokes? And I went, what? You went, you're doing the same act. If you want me to watch you, like, write some new stuff. And I went, oh. In my head, I was like, oh, I'm not going to get, like,

gifted a career by being funny for the same 15. If I want someone like Attell to watch me, and I went up and I did a brand new 15 minutes that was okay. And you came up to me and you had notes and you were like, oh, I like that. And I was like, oh. And you said that weekend, you said to me,

Now is the best time because no one's watching you. You're not selling the tickets. You get to do whatever the fuck you want. One day you're going to be headlining and you're going to have to murder. And if you don't know how to write now, you're never going to be able to write that. I said all that. Yeah. And I do. Wow. It stuck with me. Yeah. It stuck with me. I featured. It sounds mean, but I got to say one thing. First of all, I apologize. No, no, it wasn't mean at all. It's what you want to hear. This is the story you should have said to me while I was washing your tour bus. Like,

And then you said, if you're ever going to headline, go ahead, sir. Yes. No, but I remember I featured that whole year I featured and I, and especially when I featured at places where I was like, where like laughs unlimited in Sacramento. Yeah. I was like, I was like, Oh, I'm not, I've the feature gigs, a gig they're going to give anybody. Yeah. Like I should just be writing right now. Well, well there's, there's two things to get out of it. One is that like,

Like you get it. You totally get the whole thing of the feature. Like you can do no wrong, really. I mean, like you don't have to close. You don't have to open. So you might as well push it a little bit. But the other thing is that like now with these younger comics, like getting into the club is so difficult unless they have a following that like they want to murder. And I'll say to my guys, I go kill it up there, like crush it.

and like try and get them to look at you so that they'll bring in. But it always comes back to the tick, you know, like tickets and like, I'm sorry, we got TikTok guys coming in. They can sell out the room and all that kind of stuff. So, but it's cool that you got that. Some guys, they never get that. They never get that. Whatever, like,

use the stage time, you know, really use it. And like, I think that's really half of it. Cause I wasn't funny, right. It took me years to like get comfortable and get funny. And then to figure out what I'm kind of like how to put it all together and all that kind of stuff. And like, you know,

When people go like, so do you think a character is important? I'm like, no, consistency is important. Be consistently funny. And once you have that confidence, then you'll be able to break it and like start talking about all your truths and all that kind of stuff. But you have to be consistently funny. You got to be able to like, you know, okay, this is happening in the room right now. I'm able to handle that. And a lot of these kids are getting a free pass on this whole like, you know, people sit there and they, and they, that's why this crowd work thing really kind of like,

I was talking to somebody else and I'm like, crowd work is something you did when it was bad, when the crowd sucked. Now it's become this art form, another figure skating at the Olympics. It's like another event. But I always feel that the more you can... We've all done this where we do a joke we know is going to tank and then the recovering. Learning to recover is important too. That's a whole thing. It's funny, but especially a crowd work like

The way I used to do crowd work on the road was, and I think some people still do. Some people, Mark Norman's really good at it. He's very good. In the moment, I think I write so much. Him and Sam Morrell. They really are like the guys when I'll go like, what are you doing? And Sam's like, I'm almost there on another hour. I'm like, already? How do you do that? Yeah, he is a machine. But I used to do crowd work where you'd ask them the question, but you already had your joke in your pocket. Yeah. And then people were like, you're amazing at crowd work.

They don't know the trick for sure. You told me one. I featured for you one year and then the next year I featured for you at the same club. I didn't know that you paid attention to what I was doing. In the second year when I got off stage, you go, are you doing some of the same jokes as last year? I really said that? I felt like

like a cold sweat start. And I was like, what? And you're like, what, do you want to be an actor or something? And I was like, what, no. And you're like, you got it right, man. And I was like, okay, okay. It was good. I really don't think I said these things the way you're saying I'm saying. No, you did. That's why we like you. Oh, okay. No, we did, but here's the thing. Nobody...

the reason we remember it is yeah because it's you but because it has an impact and because it was true like it was good advice like i like you cared like i gave somebody advice did i hand you a guitar that would be like the ultimate insult i did i did it one time to a guy and and uh i thought i was doing the right thing um i was headlining he was emceeing yeah so there was a still a middle after him

And we had done most of the weekend and I go, hey man, I got to tell you something. I go, I'm just telling you this because you should know this. You're emceeing on like a, this isn't a showcase show. This is like a headline show. And you're opening with like all this crowd work. Because he was like talking to the crowd. I was like, you can't really, you don't really get that

to make that call. Like you're kind of dictating for the feet. It's not even for me. I go like, you're putting that feature kind of in a weird place. Right. Because the crowd thinks that like they, this is the thing now because you're doing it for like your whole 10 minutes. Okay. He was like, what? I go, well, there's some people that would like,

just have you not do the rest of the shows. Like you're just, you're, I know what you're saying. You know what I mean? Like you're, you're, you're, you're setting up the show to be something cause you've decided and you can't do that in that spot. And yeah, you could do crowd work, but like you're,

You know, you got, you have to have written material. Sure. Oh, that's true. But I will say one thing. And like, I apologize if it came off as, as current. If I did say that to you, it was because I think that, you know, I remember now, like when you guys did work with me and how you were crushing it. And I, it really has to do with like, you know, when guys are like,

you know, a lot of people feature because they're not headlining yet. Yeah. And like, I bring guys out like that too. And the one thing I will say that I've never said to any opener is that I don't want you doing this joke or that joke or whatever. The only time on my special when I said, don't bring that up because I want to do that joke. That other than that, they know they can talk about whatever they want to talk about. Well, the guest, they do whatever and I will adjust around it, which adds another level of like,

working out in a way like, okay, well this guy, you know, talked about whatever I can't talk about it now. So, yeah, but I look back on that when you said like, when you said that, I look back on that as like a, a turning point. Like it's a, it's something that I needed to hear because here's the truth. Like if I hadn't heard it then who knows how much longer it would have been before somebody had said that.

And especially someone you didn't respect. Exactly. Someone you didn't respect. That's a big deal. Because I've had people say, like, shitty things when I was a feature to me, and I was like, oh, you're doing that out of insecurity. And then there's people I respect that you're like, oh, you're saying that because you want me to be better. And no one does that. No one's like, I think you're good. You can be better. This is what you need to do if you want to be better. Well, if you're going to be like, well, we are. Like, we're different. Like, you know, like, I'm a club comic. You guys are, you know, like, you guys...

every, everything that's come your way and you've earned everything that's come your way. Not really. It all starts in the clubs and not to make this whole like a, you know, like a, whatchamacallit, let's name a movie, The Blind Side. No, no, let's,

Like this is, this is about like, you know, the work of comedy and like, it's not easy and it's not going to be a victory lap. And it's, and for a long time, you're going to have to, you're going to have to go like the only body, the only person who cares that I do this is me right now. And you have to make peace with that. And you have to get out there every night and take the beating that you, you know, the beating I deserved, which is seven, eight years of being not that funny. And then the beating that I, that I didn't deserve, which is just like,

hey, can I get in this club now? Can I headline? Can I do that kind of thing? So I think...

Along the way there, there's a lot of easy roads of like, hey, you know what? I know I can always close this way and I'll go. But the real worker comedy is going like, okay, I got that. Now what's the next thing out there? That scary blank page, you know? Yeah, I think another guy who really knows how to work for his stuff is Louis. Because he'll be like...

He's like, you know, once these 15 minutes are down, like I know they kill, working on, I'm not working on them. It's just like masturbatory up there to like, you know, and I feel like he really uses stage time to work.

For sure. I mean, you know, that's why I'm doing it. Yeah. Like all these shows during the week. That's that's what that's about. And the fact that you guys go out, you don't have to do that. There's a lot of big headliners that the only time they're going out is when there's a check. So, you know, I understand that, too. You've done it. You've made it. Why? Why? Why screw it up? You know? Yeah. Do you like timing? Tom and I are pretty transparent with our wants out of doing specials.

I've always wanted to do bigger venues. I've always wanted... You're good in a big venue, too. I love arenas more than anything. It's not easy. I love arenas. I know, but it's not easy. It's not easy, but it's a different muscle. What do you want out of this special? What do I want out of it? I would love a David Tell Arena tour. I would

love. Never. I would never do it. I never sold tickets and I never would do it. I think that, you know, like even the theater work that I've done, I'm like, this is cool. But look, I only did one show tonight. I feel a little whatever. But for me, I got bills, so I got to pay the bills. But

I'm very happy with my career and where I am. I get to play clubs wherever I want, when I want. And I, you know, my crowd is really good. Like, I mean, people always talk about like, you know, like the crowd, a lot of people have been with me for decades now and they really do get these jokes and they, and they really kind of like, even though they always bring up the old jokes you don't want to do, it's still the fact that they are like,

part of the comedy universe. Cause they've all seen you. They've seen all the names we've talked about. And like, those are the people that like, when you say like the super fans, that's who those people are. So what do I want out of it? I want to keep working. And like, I want to hit that 40 year mark. And then, you know, I guess I'll jump off the Hyatt.

I don't know. I mean, what do you guys want? It's so funny because you're not a guy who wants to increase his ticket price. You're not a guy who wants to do bigger venues. You're not a guy who... You're just... It's almost like a... It's almost like a...

Like an underground rapper. Or like, you're like, you just are, like, it's the coolest thing about you putting out a special on Netflix, in my opinion, is like, everyone's going, I hope it trends. I hope I can move on to theaters. Everyone. I mean, and I love Sam Rell and Mark Norman and Shane Gillis, but those were their ones. Look at Lady Mary here with the glass piece on the cigarette. I'm sorry, everyone. I'm so sophisticated. Collecting some data on myself.

That's the cool thing about you putting a special on Netflix. No, I worked the theater in Atlanta and I hadn't been in Atlanta in a long time because the punchline there closed. And I've done the restaurant that's the new punchline. I've done that. But I hadn't been there in so long and they're like, well, let's try a theater play. And it was fantastic. We added another show and I almost sold that one out.

But at the end of the day, I know that like I'm best in the clubs. But the theater thing is something that like I guess I should have given more time to because you know how it is. Like you don't start out where you're selling out theaters. You start out where like, hey, it's half full. I'm not making any money tonight, you know. And same thing with the Netflix thing. I'm not doing it for the money because they're not paying me that much money. I lost money making this special. So it's really about like the jokes.

The jokes have been done. Now get them out and hopefully there won't be so much blowback on it. And then, you know, you do like a, you do whatchamacallit, you have to start the next hour. And like,

I'm telling you like these short jokes and the guys who do short jokes, God help you. Cause it really is like, oh man, like I thought I ran like my new, all the jokes I don't have 15 minutes. And I'm like, wow, that's nothing. You know, like I'm not even there. It's not even like the marathon just began. They just shot the gun, you know? Yeah. So that's scary, you know?

But I mean, once you have something that I guess like for you guys, like, do you have a plan, like a special every year, every other year? You know, I, I mean, I, the last, because of the pandemic, the turnaround for my last one was three years. And I think that's a, that's a good time. That's a good turnaround time for, I think it's better. I think it actually made it better. Depends what you, what you're going for. I know you're working on one now. How are you feeling about it? Uh, not good. Yeah.

I mean, I feel like, isn't it? I feel it's, it really is scary to, cause I just felt good about it for the first time. Tom and I worked together in Vegas and I had to follow Tom. And so I really, for the first time really sat and was like,

If I'm following Tom, I got to really put it together. And I only did 30 minutes. We only had to do 30, 35 minutes. And it went well. And I went, I felt confident for the first time. But now I just feel confident about the first 30 minutes. So like. So, but you did 30 minutes of new. That's great. That's so cool. I'm doing an hour. I'm doing an hour, an hour and 20 of new on the road right now.

All of it is good, but it's not, there's like a skinning up process of like shrink wrapping these stories, making them a lot tighter. And then my big challenge has always been, because I think ultimately when I was in, started in New York,

I really respected all the joke writers. Is sprinkling in enough short jokes that you can sit through the stories. And so that's... For me, ultimately, it's not even about time. It's more about knowing when the hours due that I start focusing. So if you give me three years, I'm going to fuck around...

on stage for fucking two years. I'm just going to keep writing and keep writing and keep writing and keep writing. And then at a certain point, I go, all right, time to commit to some bits and then make them good. You know what happened to me at the Vegas thing because we had to do shorter sets and I would want to go from this bit to that bit that I ended up

editing like on the fly. And then I was like, oh, that's actually a better version of that bit. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, I didn't do it the long winded way. Right. And then I trimmed it down. And then in my head, I was like, I think that's the way I should do that bit. Cool. You know, so that was actually kind of cool. And like, you know, I give you guys credit because,

Super Bowl weekend in Vegas. I'm sure they were super fans of comedy. It was pandemonium. But it must have been like, just the energy vibrating through the room must have been nuts. We closed on the national anthem. Well, there you go. Let's just say we pulled out every gun we had. Both of them? Both of them? I hope so. We're all walking right now. The lineup, too, was Trevor Wallace, Bobby Lee, Shane Gillis, me, Burt.

You close it again? Dude, man, that's balls. Dave, no, it's not. It was panic, and then we were doing sound check. After I heard how he wanted to come on stage, I go, you can go last. He's like, I'm going to do a lap around the arena. You can go last, dude. Kept Tom on stage as I took my shirt off. It was like, it was, but it was still ultimately, I had to follow my own entrance where I was like, well, fuck. And I was out of breath.

so I was like fuck but no I think for a special I commit

Like I commit a full like five months to just, and it's a little, it's, I think it's detrimental to being a parent. Cause I just go, I'm on the road. I'm on the road. I'm going to be doing during fully loaded this year. I'm going to do theaters Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and to get ready for the special. Because I shoot the special right after fully loaded. So I'll do theaters Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Cause I'm shooting it in the theater. And I did my first theater in like,

probably two and a half years, two years this weekend.

And I didn't realize how different an energy an arena is to a theater. Yeah. It's like even comedy. When I do comedy clubs, I noticed that things that work in arenas don't work in comedy clubs. Like small movements sell really big in an arena. And you do it in a club and everyone's not looking at the big screen, looking at your eyes. Everyone. So you're all of a sudden these eye movements that we get pops don't Latin work.

And I'm like, fuck. And so a larger movement works better in a club. And I think you're forced to write smarter in a club. I think you can...

definitely like a setup, like a good joke. When it pops in a club, it destroys an arena. I'm glad you said that, that whole thing, because that is so true. Like from either watching guys in an arena or like when I was part of the Madison Square Garden 9-11 thing, I was like, man, it's like, even the acoustics there are great, but still like,

The fact, just the fact that there's like, you know, you can't, there's no, nothing to grab onto in the clubs. You can see the walls, you know? So like, you know, like at the very least there's exits that you can see in this club, but in the arena, you're like a wash and you were the one little thing in the middle of it. And I was like,

you know, what are these people looking at right now? I mean, my jokes worked and I did like, you know, my recorder thing and all that just to do it, say I did it. But I was like, yeah, the really good guys are the ones who like animate themselves. Like really like the eyes, the movements, taking the right pause in a, in a, it's a different, it's a different pause. The timing of the crowd reaction is so like, it takes you, you know, you must be a master at it by now of like,

but initially that must have thrown you off right away. Like I said, the joke, where are they? Where are they? I bought bombed the first, a couple of arenas I did. I didn't do great because I'd run through it and I'd talk over myself. I wasn't pacing myself. Right. And then you go back to theater and you're like, why isn't it? And then, and then when I did a theater, I, this past weekend, I had Reno and I was like,

You're so slow. And I would know. And I was like, wait, I can. And I wrote for 15 minutes up front and was like, this feels so much freer. You really got to be on script in an arena a little bit. Yeah. But you're the example of the exact opposite. It's like when we did Rochester, I remember you were doing crowd work with the scenery behind us. Well, that's my thing. But it was so fucking brilliant.

It was so, it looks like someone went to Brookside Community College and then there's a huge Brookside Community College in the background. Huge pop and Big Jay goes, he's working the town. Oh, if you didn't like that one, pray to the cross up on the field, of the field, the left. And there's a big cross.

It was fucking brilliant. I always like making the room also part of the show, like whatever, or the street or whatever it is. But that to me, when I saw you doing that, because outdoor sucks, let's face it. Outdoor is the worst. But like if you embrace that suck and really bring it close and give it a big kiss, it's a fun, it's a fun, like, you know, it's a slam down. You know, that's the way I see it. You murdered on all,

like nah i i feel like shane was the one on that um the one in queens remember we did the uh i was like wow i mean like these people honestly but you crush it every time it was crazy to watch shane like catch his stride like yeah because i've always thought he was funny and but then within those fully loaded dates and and to watch him like

all of a sudden get to a place where he's just outpacing like any kind of he really does i mean like say whatever you want just probably being funny but he writes a lot oh yeah he writes a lot he always has new material and he's always opening on new material like shit that i look up to i go god damn it you're opening on that joke yeah he's like well it's not that strong so i figure if i put it up front it'll force me to figure out what's good about it and you're like

He's got so many, like, he's an impressionist guy. And, like, growing up in comedy, like, you know, I was always, like, the impression guy. Like, hmm. But his stuff is good. Yeah. And, like, there's a few guys that are really good at it. He's one of them for sure. He's someone that. Yeah, he's super self-deprecating. He's super self-deprecating. Like, before that show, we were in my room. And I was like, how's your hour? He's like, it sucks.

And then he goes, I suck. And then we walked out. So I was like, yeah, that's good. His pop in Vegas when he went on stage was so fucking insane. Oh, yeah. We didn't tell him anyone who was on the show. So we bring up Bobby Lee. Everyone's like, oh, this is going to be a great show. And they went crazy for Bobby. And they were like, Shane Gillis. And the place, standing ovation to come on stage. And then he was like,

And he sat there for probably real time, probably three and a half minutes of them applauding and was like, you guys are making me uncomfortable. And then he destroyed. That's another difference between like when I watch guys like him where they're like, you know,

I always felt the pressure because the way I started comedy was in the real like bad comedy world where like, you know, they say something funny and all that kind of thing where like you had to be funny within the first minute or else you didn't deserve the right to be there. So that was always the thing of like, you always have to constantly tell them that like I deserve to be here. That is no longer true in comedy. They'll give you like some time to, you know, like,

whatever, they'll let people like, I've seen it before where I'm like, why is this person starting with like a slow burn joke when they have other jokes? And it's like, cause they can now, like we're in the past, people would have thrown something or they would have, you know, the lights would flicker, you know, something like that. So,

That's a different thing because back then it was really like you got to get them right away. Do you know who I'm going to see today for the first time in like 25 years? Who? Demetri Martin. I saw him in New York. I hadn't seen him in a long time either. He's doing the show with me at one of the shows we're doing at the store together. I started the same day he did. He was insane.

immediately so much better than all of us. He's a talented guy too. He is such a... Today, I was on his Instagram just looking at just his jokes. He just posts jokes from old specials. And they're fucking so good. He's so fucking good. Who did you start with? I started with a lot of people who you know... I don't know. I...

I'm trying to think like I was there when like Louie and Nick DiPaolo and all those guys, but like Zach, of course, like I saw those guys there, but they were all younger than me. So I had already been doing comedy before them. I'm trying to think of like, you know, I guess the people that were of my generation are mostly dead, like the Greg Dorados and the Mitch Hedbergs. And those are the names that, you know, but I, you know, there's a million, there was a million people coming and going through that, that world. But, you know, back then it was, um,

You know, a lot of these guys were trying to get a sitcom and a lot of them were trying to get writing jobs. And it really depended on what you look like. If you were ugly, you're a writer. If you're good looking, you were an actor. But now it's kind of flipped a little bit where it's like, you know, ugly's in or whatever. Inclusive, you know, everybody's a part of the party. So...

But I always was like, stand up is what I want to do. And, you know, the few times like, well, I never got to see Sam Kinison live, but he was the guy like, you know, dude, look at this guy, man. This guy's fucking amazing. You know? And then like, you know, Bill Hicks, who I did get to meet once or twice. I was like, I'll never be as good as this guy. So like,

There's no debate about that. But those are the people that are like, yeah, I want to be those guys. And then Letterman, that was the thing that, whoa, I was on Letterman, and now I'm booking shows across the country. That has no effect now, those late night things. It's all self-produced clips and all that kind of stuff, which is probably better in a way, I guess, because the stuff they would make you do to do those shows, like Nick Griffin's, he's done a million of these...

you know, tonight shows and all those late night talks and how difficult it is and how much work it takes to put them together. Whereas at TikTok, you could just go like, you know what? I'm going to stick a firecracker in my ass, you know, and this is going to happen. So it's like, there was a lot of work to that, you know, to really build that kind of like road business, you know? But now I would say that, you know, the people that I started with, a lot of them already moved on to like producing and all that kind of stuff and things like that. It's very few people that can like,

you know, like we're all like Don Rickles, you know, they're like, people go to me like, you're like, Don Rickles is going to tour forever, you know? And I'm like, yeah, I hope I can, you know, like it's not a given that we're all going to be able to do this, you know, forever, you know, just, you know, with the boom and everything like that, you know, it's great. Like I, I see like,

never ending, but I'm just hoping for all of us, you know, physically, mentally. Yeah, I want to do this as long as I can. I hope I'm taking my shirt off until I'm 70. Well, you guys are there already. You're drinking that broth, aren't you? Yeah, yeah, the broth is working. Shout out to Fire and Kettle. Pour some out for Betty White or who is somebody. What do you guys think since you're kind of in the world of big, big room touring of Taylor? I mean, like, it's pretty amazing, her business. She is...

She's somebody that really should be studied by business schools. I think she's a year from being old enough to be president. She's throw her hat in on that or whatever. Unbelievable. And she owns like... She's now like... She re-recorded the stuff that she didn't own because she signed a bad deal early on. Are you talking about Taylor Swift or Taylor Tomlinson? Both. Both. But Swift... So she owns like all her music now and she puts together these tours and like...

They add stadiums the way we add shows. Like stadiums are added. And turns them down. There was a show, I was in Asia and they were telling me, the promoter was like, yeah, Taylor Swift came here and we offered something like 50 million to add two things in one of the markets. And she was like, I'm good. Wow. Yeah.

Yeah. What's the, cause she's doing Europe and Asia now. So, so, so like, how does that like, you know, honestly, like does the tour ever end or they, does it keep going? Like, I don't know. I don't know. I mean, for her, she's,

She has so much leverage. She had her movie come out. I think she got 57% from $1. Right, because it went right to theater? Yeah, it was in theaters. But to have that much, I get 57% from $1 of this release. Wow. The most impressive thing about her, this is like my stupid brain, is her dad realized...

when he started touring her, that it was hard to rent buses. Yeah. So he just bought like 15 buses and was like, I'll just start a bus company. Oh, cool. And now if you want to rent a bus, you're renting it from Taylor Swift. Wow, man. That's crazy. It's kind of, I love those little things, those little cheat codes of life you hear about.

And you're like, oh, I wish I had thought of that. I wish I'd bought my bus way before I did. Well, maybe there's something to the other way of it, which is the retirement tour. Yeah. Well, since you're going to play Billy Joel eventually in a biopic. Yes. Let me ask you this. He keeps announcing this final MSG thing. Like, this is it, people. I'm never doing it again. And then he's on tour with Rod Stewart. Like, I don't get it. Yeah.

And it's fucking like 300 MSG shows in a row. Yeah, he probably has his own house. He has stuff there. It's crazy because I said, casually, I said something. I was like, yeah, I'm taking a break after this special. I'm going to take like seven or nine months off. Why not eight? What? Why not eight? Why not eight?

Just seven or nine. Okay. All right. So a European tour. Okay. And so, by the way, I've already scheduled my European tour. Yeah. How does that work? Who do you get as an opener for that? Whoever's locals? No, no, no, no. I usually take whoever just parties.

Because Europe's kind of a fucking grind for me. Tom does it different. He takes breaks in between and sightsees and eats croissants. I just go day, day, day, day, day. And I'll do like 21 days straight. Ouch. And just do like probably 18 shows. Wow, dude. Yeah, but...

But I've already scheduled it. I already know when I'm starting that tour. And then I think I go from there to Australia and then go to Asia. This is after the break? I think I'm starting my break. Wow. I'm coming out of my break that way. Coming out of the break. So March, I should just say. Yeah, do it when? How long will you be in Australia? Will you do like a month there? No, no, no. I'll do two weeks in Australia. You can clean up two weeks pretty quick. Do New Zealand, Australia, and then come back, hit Asia. And then I really want to do like...

I want to do India. Like, I've wanted to do India. Yeah. I just thought, like, I just, a theater in India? Yeah. Just be careful of those Macau monkey troops.

Everyone that's been to India tells me not to go. That's cool. You can already tell that you would have ticket sales there, right? I don't need that many. I just need to feel like... I think they probably have a medium-sized... If one out of every ten people like you, it's like 100 million people. There you go. That's true. I got a few good Bollywood promos. I can't wait to see you just sweating.

It's so hot there. That's what I've heard. It's just like beyond hot. Pouring sweat with mud all over your shoes. Are you going to do a long European tour? Yeah. How long? Probably another like just a month. Now, do you guys make money doing Europe or is it just for the fun of it? You don't make crazy money. You can do real money in the UK now. Yeah. Okay. But when you start going into like

you know lithuania yeah lithuania any once you even western europe excluding the english-speaking markets and not even the bosnia funny bone they're pretty good yeah you can get a door deal there shocked how fun germany is well they they like uh if you played by the bases they they are all english it's a lot like greece was fun i didn't think greece would be fun greece was wild fun yeah um and i had an ass hair joke that murdered well when i used to do the uso tour and they would always

the big base in Germany, which is like where they, you know, it's the biggest hub. They would play you there and it was like,

really like everybody would come because like, you know, there's nothing really much to do from America. And it was always disappointing. They were always like, I'm not famous enough or anything like that. They'd rather see like a, you know, UFC guy come down, like just take a picture, you know, like that. But like, it was just so funny how like the kids growing up on that base, you know, they're like, so this is an American comedy. I'm not that impressed, you know, like that kind of thing. You know, why can't like Jay-Z or somebody come in, you know? Yeah.

No, so, but yeah, it's, I'm wondering what I'm going to do. I don't know how I'm going to take a break. Because I can't, I've straight toured. Yeah, like you never. For 20 years. 20 years I've been on the road at least twice a month. Would a call from Willie Nelson help? Would Dylan be able to get you to take a break? I would love to. I would love, there's people I'd love to go. But you're going to break them. Well, technically, we'll see. We'll see. You might go a little crazy not being on the road. I think I might go crazy. I can't imagine.

I'll probably end up just in my tour bus pretending I'm in tour. Yeah. You know what you should do is tour with other people like outside of like Salman Rushdie. He's back out there. Danger tour. I would love to team up with... I tried to come up with a horrible marketing idea. I tried to get the snack combos to do a comedy tour where you put on two opposing acts. Yeah. Oh, that's great. Yeah. And well, they're Christian, so...

We should wrap, though. Yeah, we should wrap. Dave's new special, New Phone Who Dis, is coming out to Netflix. New Phone Who Dis. March, what is it? March 26th, Hot Cross Buns.

Hot Cross Buns, March 26th. You have to watch. You have to watch. This is a must watch. And as the old vampire in the room, I got to say one thing. Love hanging with you guys. We love you. And I'm always impressed and thrilled that you let me be a part of your world. Buddy. And you deserve everything. And for the listeners out there, these guys, honestly, you know, this is what comedy should be.

And if you're looking for examples of what to do, both on and off the stages, these guys, they treat everyone great. And thank you again. Thank you. We're your biggest fan. Thanks so much. Bye, guys. Did I read that right? Yeah, you did.

One goes to the top of the swamp, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.