2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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My new special, Lucky, is streaming right now on Netflix. Check it out. 100% Wait, wait, hold on. Our words are being streamed to the people out there? Yeah. That's a horrific idea. I thought so too. Whose idea was this? So they're just going to be standing there and Tom and I are going to be talking about fucking gay booty shorts and there'll be music? Yeah. Oh, cool. So it'll sound like a really weird EDM song. Okay. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shit, I almost wore my new underwear. Should we start up? If it's streaming live, should we start with... That's an AI thing, right? I love it. Can I tell you, this, I listen to... This is crazy.

I listen to this all... I listen to it too much. Yo, shut the fuck up. It's Fat Cracker season. Okay.

Okay, let's roll. Yo, shut the fuck up. It's Fat Cracker season. There he is. Well, you were adamant on the last pod that you were like, Fat N-Words, Fat N-Words, my obsession. I love it. I'm always playing Fat N-Words. And then we were doing searches for it. No one could find it. No one could find it. It wasn't like a song that came up in the results of like...

Spotify or Apple or any of that. And by the way, they're big fans of mine. We found them. You found them? The people that run the account, they're big fans of mine. But that's AI. That's AI. And it is so engaging that I got to be honest with you, I wish it was a TV show. I would follow these guys. They're going to Dubai to close a new oil deal for P. Diddy Baby Oil. Yeah. Dude, it just delivers. Can I tell you what? It just delivers. Every time I hear it, it makes me smile. So...

It's Fat Niggas. Fat niggas just launched their own crypto on Solana. Bridge that shit, nigga. Look at these fly ass fat niggas. I love my fat nigga. Besides making money, these niggas love eating.

You know what the thing is? The problem with that? What? It's so catchy that it makes you think it's okay to say it. I know. You know what I mean? It's like one of those songs where you're like, everyone's having a good time. Dude, can I tell you? Why can't I have a good time with them? I was in my hotel room today. And you're just singing it to yourself? Should I? Should I? But I'm always afraid I'm going to get recorded doing it. The worst is, so Shaq called me up the other day. He's like, yo, can you do my podcast? Our guest fell out. So I was like, yeah, we'll Zoom.

And the first question he said, he goes, have you found the clip? And I played it for him. And he lost his mind. And he was like, do not say that ever. Yeah, he knows. Oh. He knows. And you know what I do is I just go up to Leanne. I go, God, I love this time of year. And she goes, really? What time of year is it? And I go, yo, shut the fuck up. It's Fat Cracker season. No, you say it Fat Edward season. No, no, I play it. I play it. If I can have that as my ringtone. You can. You can.

Can I get that as my ringtone? Of course. Will you set that up as my ringtone right now? Yes. Oh, my God. But let me ask you this. Oh, my God. You're obsessed with this. Be honest. Okay. I'll be honest. Okay. When you're alone, you actually say it, right? Nope. I have not said it yet. I have not said it yet. I swear to God, I have not said it yet. Can I just tell you something? Yes. I know when you're lying. So...

It's okay. You say it, right? I have not said it yet. I have not said it yet. So you put on Wu-Tang Clan. You go, shame on anyone who tries to run game on anyone. Oh, I sing the N-word. Yes. Okay. That's what I was getting to. Don't look shocked like I just told you your dad fucks your mom. Like, come on. It's real.

When you're singing, and listen, I don't think you're supposed to, but I'm old school. I'm grandfathered in. I'm 52. Hip hop came out when I was a kid. No, you were probably older than a kid. No, I was a kid. I saw it on 2020. They had it on 2020. They're like, these blacks are dancing and singing in a whole new way. And you're like, I like this stuff. I did. I did. I saw it on 2020. I was like, I think I'm going to get into this. Hey, that's how you do it.

I found hip hop in 2020. That's the whitest way you could discover hip hop, is a news magazine show being like, there's an all new movement starting called rap. I went to Philadelphia the next summer, and they played hip hop. They played Mantronics, I think was the name of the band. And I was like, oh, John Stossel just covered this on 2020. Oh, my God. And my cousins were like, huh? Yeah. Baseline. Baseline.

But Mantronics, I think, was on the bass line. But the interesting thing is, you said, the song's actually, it's fat N-word season. Season. I thought it was summer because of Chet Hanks. Hold on. Did you see how good Chet Hanks is in this fucking TV show? No, no idea. The Netflix TV show about Jeannie Buss, Chet Hanks plays like a loose, out of control kind of...

He's so good. Is he? He's really talented. He's not tall enough to look like a basketball player. He's like a little stocky. So that pulls me out of it. But I just want to say, shout out to Chet Hanks. Remember Ben Affleck and...

and Matt Damon, they did that movie about Jordan signing with Nike. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think it was called the, one of the things that took me out, like out of the movie is the actor. They, they don't show his face, but the guy that they clearly, he's supposed to be Michael. He's like six, one.

And you're watching this thing and you're like, why wouldn't you just... Because the whole thing is they were like, we don't want to show somebody's face because he's so iconic, you're just going to go, that's not him. So they shoot it in a way where he walks in rooms and you're seeing profiles and shadows. Like the way they shot the shark in Jaws. Kind of.

But you're like, this guy's clearly not 6'6". Why wouldn't you just... I don't understand. Yeah. All you need is 6'6 and black. That's it. 6'6 and black. That's fucking like a diamond. That's like a fucking blonde with big tits. They're everywhere, you know? Blondes with big tits are everywhere. Yeah. Especially, they're here too. By the way, can we just talk about where we are? Yeah. Can we get... Just pipe in the audio for the fat N-word season just so they know what they're in store for.

We just see everyone walk out. No, shut the fuck up. No, I'll tell you why I like that. It is AI. But I love that they have them doing stuff that I don't think they would really do. Like they have them snorkeling. Yeah.

I didn't see it and it makes me giggle. But it does have him doing like legit fat guy stuff or fat fella stuff where they're like sitting with a white chick and a cigar and a bathing suit. There's this thing too that like

Because there's something where black guys can just make anything cool. They're like the first guys to be like, nah, if you're a fat motherfucker, that's cool too. Because Biggie, I think of him and Big Pun and Fat Joe and all those guys were like, yeah, we're fat. We're fat as shit. And so what? And they were still cool. Do you know what I feel bad about black guys? So many things. Yeah.

Yeah, what's one of the things? Number one on the list. They don't get to put all of their dick in a vagina. They only can put the little beginning of it because they have big dicks. Not all of them, though. All black guys have big dicks. No. I've got to take you to this gym I've been going to. I was talking to Shaq and I was like, you'll never know what it's like to put your whole dick in a vagina and still have room. And what did he think of that? He got really shy. He was like...

No, he was like, no, mine actually fits. No, he can only put the head. When you have a big dick, you can only put the head of your dick in the person. And then you just go like... You have to kind of like...

It's almost like jerking off in a vagina. Sometimes in porn, sometimes you watch the guy. If you're really dialed in, you watch him giving her a quarter of his dick. Sometimes you're like, this guy's got a hammer on him, and he's not slamming. He's taking it easy on her. Actually, I think I'm changing opinions on big dicks. I think I'm glad I got a pretty medium dick. A medium dick is the best dick to have.

The biggest dick is the, is this best for show? That's the only reason I want a big dick is to show men. Is to be like at the gym, pull my dick out and be like, what do you guys think now? That's the only reason I want a big dick.

I don't want a big dick for a woman. No. Like, I don't want to take it out on her and go, oh, that's going to hurt. And you're like, yeah. Yeah, the one who goes, oh, that's all I've wanted, 10 inches and as big as a liquid death can. She's so deeply traumatized, like, mentally. You know, her upbringing was not ideal. And she's the one who's like, that looks perfect. That's not a chick you really want to settle down with, you know? You want a girl who wants a normal-sized dick, I think. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know. I like Leanne's boobs are perfect. They're perfect. Perfect. I mean like perfect and they're just getting better. Like I gotta be honest with you. With age? I settled on those boobs. I gotta be damn honest with you. When I met her, I settled for her boobs. I went, the boobs aren't bad. They're not bad. They're not perfect, but they're not bad. I go, the ass is great. The face is, I mean,

The fucking personality, home run, boobs, pretty good. Wait, you liked the personality? I loved the personality when I met her. It's gotten to be a lot. I was going to say, I've heard some different opinions over the years. You definitely have changed.

So the tits got better, the personality soured. But the tits have gotten so much better. That doesn't usually happen. I know. Well, you know what? They were really perky. I wish I had video of them. They were really perky when I met her. Like really perky. I was going to say, you can make one. Really, really perky. And when she got pregnant, they got huge and they never went down. Yeah. And they've always stayed perfect. That's great, man. Yeah, I'm like really happy with her tits.

That's really cool, man. Yeah, she's gotten too skinny in my opinion. Too skinny? Yeah. She's doing one of those, I don't know if I should talk about, but one of those, you know? Uh-huh. And she's gotten really skinny and I'm like, kind of liked her a little bigger. Yeah. You really are like a black guy. Yeah. You're wearing their clothes. You want your thick woman. I want a thick woman. Yeah.

Just, you know, I put her in AI and I jerk off to those pictures. It's insane. That's real love. You really love her. She said this hurt her feelings, but I thought it was the right thing to say. Yeah. Because I showed, I'll show you the picture. I was like. She got, by the way, she got mad at you.

When you showed me a picture that was AI at that party. Remember, you're like, I'm going to show Tom this AI. And then she jumped and grabbed the phone. Yeah. I do this picture. And I was like, and then she goes, I don't even look like that. I go, I don't jerk off to these. I jerk off to the ones where you're a little bigger. And she was like, what?

And I was like, yeah, the thicker ones. Those are the ones I... Or when she's blonde. Oh, fuck. She looks so good blonde. I mean, I just do blonde pictures of her and go, just dye your fucking hair. What are we waiting for? Why won't you do that? She just, you know, I don't know. She, I don't know, man. That could be a nice, like, anniversary gift. Yeah. Using Netflix without ExpressVPN is like being stuck with food from just one country. With ExpressVPN, you can change your location and unlock thousands...

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Hey, when's this come out? My special's dropped, right? Well, check out my special, Lucky Streaming, right now on Netflix. There you go. There you go. That's my plug. Where'd you shoot it? I shot it in the Mahaffey in St. Pete. Okay. And I'm touring again. I set up a new tour. I know. I know. I'm so excited. I feel like, but I'm really at a place where I go, I realize why I like touring. It distracted me from everything. Yeah. Yeah.

Right, I know. When I haven't toured, Tom, all I do is like, I've gotten crazy. Like, crazy. And so I'm like, I announced the tour, and the second I announced the tour, I started relaxing. Yeah. Makes you feel better. Yeah, I don't know. Are you doing the whole, are you doing a certain region? Or like, is it a whole...

No, just a few months or is this going to be like, it's going to be September, October, November, December. And then, uh, and then I have a big event planned in January, which we haven't announced yet. We'll announce in the summer. Okay. Uh, and then I think I'm sure I'm thinking I'm gonna do a movie for a little bit and then, uh, go back on tour. Great. Yeah. Yeah. That's cool. Okay. It's crazy, man. Being off has really made me question like what motivates me.

What do you think it is? I don't, man, I, you know, can I tell you, I think that, I want to go back to college. I want to go back to college when like I didn't have any motivation for anything and everything was just about exploring the day and just going like, what are we doing today? Like, I never thought about tomorrow. I never thought about September. I never, in college, I never went like, I wonder what I'm going to do September.

What's my summer going to look like? I was always like, what's going on this weekend? That's the big fucking move. And I want to get back to that because I feel like I'm so overwhelmed with career goals, legacy. That's the thing that's really fucking me up is I actually thought the other day, I was like, maybe I'll quit comedy and just go be of service to people because like what – so what? You die and then people make fun of you the day you die. Your career is you're a comedian and then no one talks about you. I mean we had so many friends where that happens and you go, okay. Yeah.

Doesn't seem like the fucking good way to go out. You really think about that? I think about that, yeah. I've never thought about that thought. Are you serious? Zero. Zero percent. Zero. Zero percent have I ever thought about. You don't think it's sad to think that like, so Ralphie just died and he was a great comic, but no one talks about him. Right.

Yeah, it's just the way it goes. Greg Giraldo's dead. His kid's doing comedy. No one ever mentions just what a great guy Greg was and what a great comic he was, how talented he was. No. No one brings it up. Well, a few people. That's the truth. I just did. Yeah. George Carlin died, and I would say most people 35 and under died.

That name doesn't even ring a bell. No. It's just the way it goes. If you ask Peter who George Carlin is, he'd go, is he working right now? Yeah. Yeah. You really think he wouldn't know? Peter would never know. Did you know who he was? You did know. From what, your parents? Yeah.

You just knew yourself? Yeah. Most people... I was asking Tanner off camera. Most people, I would think, don't know. So then what's the goal? So you want to be like... No, no, no. I want none of it to matter to me. That's what I want. I don't want to try to make myself carry on a legacy or be important to the world. Any of that. I don't want any of that. I just want to genuinely not want it. Does that make sense? I want to genuinely not care. Not care about your legacy? So what if I just was like...

My grandmother didn't give a fuck. She just died, right? Yeah. And then she died and then she just knew that we'd always talk about her. Yeah. And we're like, cool. But she just did good things around the community and she was like a good person. I was like, okay, I don't want to think...

on the larger scale. What I want to do is get to a place where I was in college, where I just thought about the end of the day and thought, that's how I lived in the moment. And I'm not living in the moment. And I've been off for so long, I'm living less and less in the moment every fucking day. Okay. So yeah, so that's my goal is to get back to a place where I just...

It seems attainable, man. I know. I'm in a lot of therapy right now. Are you? I'm in doubles. I'm in fucking couples therapy and single therapy. Yeah. It's like all I do is talk about fucking things. Well, these seem like real therapy thoughts. Yeah, I know. But do you feel good about it? You know, what's crazy is I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life. Yeah. I really am.

I really am. The girls are self-sustainable. They're having a fucking blast. I love my job. I love what I do. I love my wife. I love my house. I love everything. I want for nothing.

except I don't want to think about tomorrow. I just want to think about right now, and I'm not there yet. Oh, I got it. Once you get to that place where you can be super present about today, that's the goal. Yes. But if you're working on that, I bet you can get there. I'm trying so hard. I'm thinking about, do you think if you take SSRIs, do you think that it makes you just a little happier? Because I'm not depressed, but I wouldn't mind being a little happier. I don't know. I've never been on them, so I wouldn't know. Is your own SSRIs? SSRIs. Okay. Were you depressed?

Okay, well, you don't count. Was I depressed? Yeah. Were you depressed when you got on them? No. Oh, really? So did it make you a little happier? Yeah, like you're about to get depressed, and then you're like, oh, wait, no, I'm chilling. But then I just wanted to feel sad, so I just went cold turkey. Really? Are there any great men on SSRIs? Like...

He's trying to think of innovators and world leaders that are... Kim Jong-un. Yeah. That would be a thing if they put Kim Jong-un on SSRIs. It's just two S's. SS, SS, SS, yeah. SSRIs. SSRIs. Yeah. Did I just develop a lisp in the middle of this? Yeah, you did. SSRIs. Look at Kingman's bod. Can we talk about where we are real quick? Yeah, we didn't even get to that. God, look at him, man. He's fucking jacked. Yeah. Shit. Shit.

I saw that lean. She's like, whoa. I never dated a chick with red hair. You what? I never dated a chick with red hair. Never? No, never. Did you ever sleep with one? No, never, never, never. Wow. Never. I regret it now. You could still do it. Have her dye her hair red. Did I ever tell you the time? This is such a good story. I like how you whispered like we're not on mic. What's the matter? You just jumped from the roof. Kingman did? Yeah. Jesus Christ. Is this a prank? No.

Is there someone's dick and balls present? No, no, no, there's not. Look at that psycho. Jesus Christ. We have insurance, right? Okay. So we're on the roof. Okay, we're on the roof of a place. Ari was with me, oddly enough. It was the week before he drugged me. Do you see the whole thing about that, too? What? Like that whole thing online about how that's a bit. It was made up. You never seen that? No. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You didn't see it for real? No. You know. It's like, it's pretty like, somebody goes, come on, and then he goes, no, it's a whole bit we did. Like, Ari tells that it's a whole bit. Yeah, I don't really. He's a fun guy to have in your life. So that's not a bit. I almost called you to be like, wait, this is a bit?

He sold it really well. But you're a fucking asshole too. Let me tell you this, what you did. What did I do? You with fucking Jay Oakerson. I saw a clip where he's like, everybody says that like... Oh yeah, everyone's critiquing every part of my personality. And then you're like, Tom's a...

fucking Ari's a girl. And I'm like, yo, it was right at like- You caught a stray. You caught a stray. Thank you. You caught a stray. That was unfair. It was a day after you go, you know, I actually find myself not interested in what people say, but I'd like to be interested. Then you're like, Tom's a fucking- Speak up, motherfucker. I'm like, what?

Hold on. Hold on. Two things. Two things, okay? Don't let me forget the... Okay, fuck the story. Anyway, so I went to dinner. I can't really say names, but I can say names if you edit them out, okay? He just did it again. What the fuck is this? I got the worst seat in the house. People are watching this. People are jumping off buildings behind me. It's kind of cool. And they're like, Bert, stop talking. I want to watch action. It looks good. Is Kingman doing it for the camera? I don't know why he's doing it, but he's having fun. It seems...

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Yeah. So. He looks like a prisoner. Go ahead. I went to dinner with, I went to dinner the other night with a mom who, so I had two dinners, but I'm going to tell you the one that's safe. I'm going to tell you the one that's safe. Back to back dinners? Yeah, but two dinners.

The mom wouldn't shut the fuck up. Okay? She just was talkative. Everything was about her. But it was really enjoyable. And I thought it was nice to have the heat off of me for a minute. Sure. Where I was like... And Leanne was like, man, she would not stop talking. I go, but hang on. Didn't you enjoy it? She goes, I go, what? She goes, she drove conversation. She orchestrated our event. Our evening was...

She took care of all of our, we didn't have to do anything. We just sat and drank and giggled. And she goes, well, I guess if you look at it that way. I go, that's the way I look at it. Because what that lady did is she provided a service and she put herself out there. She said wild shit, wild shit. I mean, like, do you know why all the kids are gay these days? And I was like, boom, I love this woman. I love when reckless talk. I love it. And especially she didn't even know me.

And she's saying like that. I go, this woman provided a very valuable service. So next night, I got to say this and edit the names out. We go to dinner with. Yeah. You know that is? Yeah. Okay. We're with a bunch of people, but he's okay. Clean it up. I don't want this. I don't want this to sound bad. And he held court.

And he talked. That makes sense. And it was so fucking enjoyable. And I looked at Leanne. And after she got my perspective, I said, you know, I go, babe, you know, if he wasn't at this table, I'd be doing that. I would be orchestrating conversation. I would be almost like holding court.

And I go, but isn't it nice to just sit back and allow someone to do that and almost say thank you? And she was like, God damn it, you're right. And I watched him at the end of the night, and I was like, dude, thank you so much for just being you. You're a great American storyteller, and it was fucking fun having dinner with you. And he was like, well, thank you. And I thought...

You know, every personality is needed. And I'll tell you what I did. No, that's true. That is true. I was really fascinated at how enjoyable it was to sit back and listen. Would he tell stories or just ask questions? Great fucking stories. Great stories. Great fucking stories. Oh, I mean, yeah. And I was like, yeah. And you know the person... I'm sitting with... And...

And he's fucking enamored and watching. And it was like, I mean, the guy fucking held court. Yeah. And it was like so fucking enjoyable. So I was like, everyone needs to pay attention sometimes just because Ari can never hold court. Just because he's got a, like a six personality, right? Yeah. And that's for a famous person. That's crazy, right? Yeah, yeah. He shouldn't be upset that he's sitting next to a fucking 11. Right, right. Who is a masterful. Yes. Is he doing it again? Yeah.

That looks like a woman. That's Phillip. That looks like a woman. That's Phillip Lee. All I saw were the legs. I was like, nice legs. So they're all jumping off the... This is cool. This is how you break your heels, everybody. Yeah, that could be a fucking rat. I would love if there was an accident. No, I joke about Ari, but it is interesting. There's needs for every personality. And just because you're Leanne and maybe you can't...

orchestrate an evening and hold court. Would she ever hold court? Never. And she's chastised me for it before. We go to a dinner date with two of her friends and they're fucking lunatics. Sidebar, both Scientologists. And so I just talk. I fucking fill the dead air, right? Yeah. And I go, that was fun. And she goes, well, you didn't let them talk at all. And I went, well, yeah, but they're lunatics.

Wouldn't you rather me just make sure no one said crazy shit? Wouldn't you mind me meticulously orchestrating the night so that we don't get into, hey, why are you guys Scientologists? And then she's like, well, I'm just saying sometimes it's nice to let other people talk. And I went, cool. We go to dinner with them again. And I'm fucking, you know what? I'm going to be old fucking Anne Frank. Not Anne Frank. Helen Keller. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be Anne Frank too. Just be real quiet. I'll be Anne Frank. I'll be Anne Frank as fuck. Yeah.

Fucking don't open the door and fucking...

And I let them talk. And you know what they did? They fucking unraveled. Unraveled, started questioning our religion. We get done. We have not talked to them since. I go, so what was the... So, I'm sorry. What night was more fun? And Leanne goes, well, obviously the night you talked. And I went, yeah! Yeah! You're making a good case for yourself here, okay? I'm in a fucking... I'm in a really good mood today. Yeah, I see. I mean, the outfit looks like it's a good mood, too. Yeah, it's a... Where'd you get that? I'm in a really good mood.

I bought it in Las Vegas. I didn't look at the price tag, and I really regret that. I looked at the price tag today as I was unboxing it, and it was a little pricier than I imagined ever paying for anything. For anything? Anything. Where'd you get it? I don't know. I got drunk in Vegas.

It's like a cool gay... Well, hold on. I'm not a bad thing. I'm thinking like a cool, rich, gay guy in Palm Springs who has kind of like a cool estate. Yes, it's perfect for this house. Yeah, it is. We still didn't talk about the house. Okay, we'll talk about the house. Let's put a pin in that. Hold on. Can I tell you what I got into? I'm going to need to show you these so you can understand them. So I have a problem with underwear, okay? I've always had a problem with underwear. Here's my problem is...

If it's boxer briefs, I feel like I'm putting on too many clothes. So I got clothes under my clothes and then I get claustrophobic. If it's underwear, I feel like it just smashes my dick and balls. I kind of want my dick and balls away from everything. That's why I don't wear underwear. Well, Leanne found a solve and I got to show them to you. I'll show them to you what they look like on Amazon. They are, of course, I don't have fucking glasses. Yeah. They are your orders. Not the best Wi-Fi here.

They are ultimately gay men underwear. Okay. So they have... They're like silk. Yeah. They do like that. They're see-through. Oh, they're see-through. They're silk. I almost wore a pair and they have a hole like this size.

In the underwear. And then they have a pouch out there. For your nuts. So this, you put your dick and balls through, so it kind of shoves it front and forward. And then it sits in this pouch, so it looks like you have a fucking wad of cock. But it's your dick and balls. And I'll show you what I look like in them, because I cannot take, I look so fucking good in them. You don't know the name of the brand? I don't know the name of the brand, but this is what I look like. You got it on Amazon? Look at this. Look at this.

Yeah, those are gay. Can you see those? Can you see them? You see the dick? Any of you see the dick? Imagine what your shit would look like in these, Annie.

Oh, fucking. Are they comfortable? They are so comfortable because it keeps your dick and balls away from your body. Bro, I'll order them. They're so comfortable. And I tell you what, dude, I get hard for no reason at all. Like, I'm just sitting there. I was on the plane with Leanna. I was wearing them on the plane. And I just was like, I thought about what my dick was touching. And I was like, boom, rock hard. I get hard on every flight. It's testosterone, I think. No, it's flying. For real? Yeah. Yeah.

You're just that into aviation? No, I read about it. I do like aviation. You're like, oh, wow, this is so fun. It's like you lose your inhibitions because you're not in control. And it happens to a lot of people. You're like a Fifty Shades of Grey flyer. Oh, I almost bust a nut sitting there sometimes. Just because you lose control. The flight attendant's like, sir, I need your seat upright. And Tom's like, yeah, upright. I'll put it upright. Make me do more. Tell me my seatbelt's not tight enough. I've also fallen asleep.

had like a near wet dream experience on a flight, woken up and had a male flight attendant being like, "Did you have a good nap?" Like just staring at my dick. Yeah. - Dude, we gotta turn this into a challenge. - Wait, what's this brand? I wanna know the brand. - I pulled up on, they're really fucking-- - And we still have not said where we are. Holy shit!

We are at, hold on, it's South by Southwest. We're in Austin. We're at the Porosos Portal House. This is like an invite-only experience where we've invited a bunch of people. We have NADC burgers here. We have a DJ. We have giveaways. There's Porosos everywhere. And people just having a good time. It's been, we just got here like 30 minutes ago, but it's been...

It's been going off. And it's going to go off for the next few days, I think, right? Isn't it like through the weekend or something? I kind of wish I was staying. I got to go to Palm Springs tomorrow. To return that fucking outfit or what? No, I'm going to keep it. It's loading. It's loading. Can I tell you what I did? Yeah. You want to talk about dodging a fucking bullet? Yeah. I saw a picture of Magic Johnson on Instagram. You almost fucked him? No, I was like, oh, I got a similar picture with me and T.I.,

I said, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to screen grab this picture, and then I'm going to Photoshop it and make it look like Magic Johnson and I were on vacation with T.I. and this guy, right? Uh-huh. And I wrote, I posted, I went to post it, and I said, missing you guys. And then I sent it to my team, and I was like, hey, post that. And I got a text back, maybe you should have read Magic Johnson's post.

Oh, yeah. His friend had just passed away, and I had screen grabbed it, Photoshopped myself into it. It said, In Memoriam. And I was like, do you know how fucking horrible it would have been if I had posted missing you guys? And it's Magic Johnson with his friend's wife who passed away, and me and T.I. and fucking Fluffy, not Fluffy, Lucky. What's not Lucky? What's her skin? Buffy. Boney. Boney. What's T.I.'s wife's name?

T.I.'s wife's name. Come on, Enny? Enny. Enny. Tiny. Tiny. God damn it. Yeah. Boney? Fuzzy? Fluffy? Boney. What if Tiny is listening? She's like a big Two Bears fan and she's listening. She's like, God damn it, I met that motherfucker. He can't remember my motherfucking name. Keep my name out your mouth, Bert Kreischer. That's a good impression of her, man. Wow. I just did the...

I did an interview for my UK shows, and I had a total brain fart where I was doing an interview with a radio show in Belfast. And I was like, oh, the last time I went to Ireland, it was on the days of the King's Coronation. Oh, yeah, I remember that. So there's no way you could duplicate this experience. It happens when it happens. I happened to be. But what I forget is that that day I was in Dublin.

I wasn't in Belfast. And so I tell these radio, they're like all happy. I was like, yeah. So I went up there and I go, it was magical. I got on stage and the first thing I said on the day of the King's coronation was fuck the King. And the place went, they went into song. They started singing. I didn't know if we were going to be able to start the show. I turned around. I have it on video. I turned around to my guys and I was like, and they started singing. I was like, oh, maybe they're not even going to stop singing. Yeah. I'm looking at these three guys. I'm telling this story and they're all like,

And they're like, yeah, this is Belfast. Like, we're not Dublin. This is Northern Ireland. A lot of people support the king. I was like, oh, you can, I go, you can cut this out of the interview. Yeah.

Because they were like, yeah, a lot of people here don't like that. And I was like, sorry. And they were like, anyway, go see Tom's show. And Belfast is such a train wreck. I was like, I probably should have thought about this before I spoke. They didn't like it, dude. They didn't like it at all. Wait, is the king King Charles? Yeah. Yeah. It was his coronation day when I was there last. Oh, wow. Yeah. But it's a different reception in Dublin than in Belfast. God, man. Yeah.

I remember when Charles and Diana got married. You did? What were you, like 30? No. Oh. I was a kid. It was a big fucking deal. It was a huge deal, right? It was a big fucking deal. I mean, she was like so fucking hot. It's crazy to think she's been dead forever. Yeah. She's been dead as long. She's been dead longer than I've been doing comedy. Yeah? I mean, when was that death? It was in the 90s, right? Yeah. That's what I want. That's what I want. That's what I want. Nope, that's what I want. Okay, I just realized what I want. I want to die. Okay.

And I want people to say, do you remember where you were when Bert died? Oh, my God. That's what I want. That's what I'm looking for in life. Well, there's an ass behind you now. A thong. Jesus Christ. A thong? Wait, a thong? A thong, yeah. A woman's ass just appeared in our face. Hers. Hey, Kingman. He knows what we're looking at now. Dude, I can't get hard dicks in this outfit. You can't? You got those underwear on or anything? Oh, man. No, if I did, I would fucking be in that pool in those underwear. Just raw dogging bitches. Yeah.

Just roll it up. You'd just be sucking in the pool? Can you imagine taking your sexual skills now? You get pretty in your own place, right? Yeah. It's like you do your thing. You don't push. When you guys have sex, you kind of do your thing, right? Right. Can you imagine taking that to a stranger and doing that with a stranger? And how they would react? How they would react if you're like, ooh, okay. Yeah. Wow, I didn't... Imagine if you took...

If you took your skill set now and put it in 18-year-old Bert and let him have sex with someone back then with who you are now. Dude, that's not a bad idea. Well, it's an impossible idea. Just go back and fuck all the chicks you fucked. Right, but with your current day approach. Oh, with my skill set now? Yeah. With my skill set now where if I get a little drunk because of the testosterone, I can't cum forever? Yeah.

Dude, there's times... The other night... By the way, I don't care that I'm sharing this. The other night, I gave Leanna an orgasm, and then she was like, I do not think it's going to happen for you tonight. And I went, I think you're right. And I just went to bed. Really? Yeah, I was like...

I was like, we were in Vegas. Your sensitivity changed? No. If I drink a little bit because of the testosterone, I can't cum at all. The two of those is the reason? Either that or I'm gay. I don't know. It's one of the two. It's changed for whatever reason, like I'll last forever. What was Mel Gibson like? Okay. So I told this to Joe, and I didn't know if Joe, I didn't know because, you know, there's parts of my personality that I overshare, but they're real. And I can't believe that other people don't think this way. Okay? Okay.

I shared it with Joe and I looked at the look on Joe's face and he was a little bit like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Yeah, well, just to put it in perspective for people, you're in Vegas? I'm in Vegas. Well, it starts with...

We get a call from Dana. Or not a call. He reaches out and says, would you come to Power Slap? And so I was like, of course. I want to take Leanne. It's so funny. He said, I got a plus one for you. And I go, immediately, it's Leanne. That's who I want to take. I don't want to take one of my friends. I'm going to take Leanne. I want to see the look on her face when she watches people get knocked unconscious. Like, that's my person. So...

So we accept the thing and then Joe reaches out and he's like, yo, if you're going to be there, why don't you come to UFC? And I was like, cool. And then he goes, I got tickets but Dana's got better tickets. So I'll set you up with UFC people. So I'm like, cool. I go, Liam, we're going to UFC also. She's like, nice. I go, it's going to be fucking fun. Get on the plane, JSX.

Theo walks over. I mean, we spent the fucking weekend with Theo, really, honestly. It was a triple date. Theo walks in and he's... I cannot express how funny he is just in private. Like, he said... I texted him at the end of the week and I said, man, I had so much fun with you. And he goes, you're my favorite person to make laugh. He goes, you laugh so good. And so we...

And he says, you know, Mel Gibson's sitting behind us. And I was like, what? And he's like, he's on our flight? And he goes, I think so. Theo goes, I met him a couple times. I'll see if I can introduce us. And so we get on the plane. Mel Gibson's sitting next to me on the plane. It's me, Leanne, and Mel Gibson in the single seat.

And I'm like, okay, play it cool. But you know me. And I don't give a fuck what you think about me, but I can't help but not want to meet a famous person. And it is the same way that you see a guy driving through the streets at 3 in the morning looking for a hooker and he's like, I can't help myself, man. This is what I do. Or the way a girl sucking a guy's dick behind a dumpster. He's like, give me coke, right? Give me coke. That's what I am around famous people. I don't get it. And it's...

And if I've been drinking, I cannot shut the fuck up. So I am, Leanna's, do not say anything. Do not make this a long flight for him. Do not say anything before takeoff. Don't say anything in the air. If you say anything, it's got to be when we land. Just like a, always do this to a celebrity, it always works. You're an absolute legend. And you just walk away. That's it. Just, you're an absolute legend. That's all I'm going to say. We land, flight attendant comes over and comes up and she goes, I am such a huge fan. To me. Mel Gibson's like, who the fuck's this guy?

And she's like, you have no idea. I mean, Two Bears is my favorite. I listen to it all the time. Your special, Razzle Dazzle, was so good. Your last bit in that. And I'm like, nice, nice, nice, nice. She goes, so what are you doing? Now I'm like, I don't want to say Dana or Joe's name. Not name dropping. But I go, uh...

We're coming out for the UFC fight and Mel Gibson's just like, so what do you do? And I was like, nice. I'm like fucking hook, line and sinker. And I was like, I'm friends with Joe Rogan. God damn it. What the fuck did I say? Yeah.

No, I didn't say that. I was like, oh, I'm a comedian. We're going out. I did say Dana's name. I said, Dana invited us out to Slap Fight. And then I said, we're going to UFC the next day. And he was like, yeah. And then I was like, dude, I just got to tell you, you're a fucking absolute legend. I said, I'm a ride or die Mel Gibson fan. I have always been. You're my favorite filmmaker. You're fucking so great. And he was like, well, thank you very much.

He goes, maybe I'll see you at UFC. And I said, yeah. And so then we get to UFC, and I'm sitting in the front. It's me, Theo Leanne, Taylor LeJuan, Max Crosby, Mario Lopez, Taylor Sheridan. It's like a wild fever dream. Mark Zuckerberg is sitting in front of us, and...

And fucking Mel Gibson walks by. Walks by everyone, looks at me, goes, hey, what's up, buddy? Shakes my hand. I'm like, shut the fuck up. Max Crosby and Taylor are like, you know Mel Gibson? And I was like, we're getting a picture. We're getting a picture. I go, gentlemen, this is what I'm good at. So we fucking, we...

I mean, right before the main event happens, I grab all of them. I go, come on, guys. I walk over. I get down. I go, Mr. Gibson, the boys and I would love if we could take a picture with you, but we totally understand. He goes, no, fuck yeah, let's do it. Mel Gibson stands up. Taylor Sheridan. I'm like, Taylor, get in here. I should have grabbed Mark Zuckerberg. That was the misstep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then I got drunk, and I fucking creeped him out. You did? Yeah. What'd you say to him? I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. Let me see your watch. Yeah, he's gotten really into it. It's a $600,000 watch. Every day it's a new one. It's pretty awesome. He's got pretty crazy swag. And he was cool. He was cool. That pivot for him of being like a pivot. He was like weird, robot, autistic guy. And now he's like...

I do jujitsu. I wear gold chains. And diamonds. He had a holy grail watch. He had a diamond necklace on that was kind of fucking sick. Sat with Dana the whole time. Yeah. I guess the best jujitsu guy in the world came up and was talking to him. I don't know. Mark Zuckerberg was pretty fucking cool. I got to be honest with you. Who, Ryan? I don't know. Okay. Is that his name? I mean, yeah. Tejano. Tejano. Tejano.

Canoe? Something? Okay, I don't know that guy. But it was a really epic fucking night. Like, we had... Dude, if you are interested in, like, directing or filmmaking, a must is Apocalypto. Apocalypto is the greatest. It's so fucking amazing. It does not get talked about enough. If you've never seen it, Mel Gibson directed this movie. He's not in it. He just directed it. And...

There's no dialogue. And it's an epic... So you're watching epic storytelling without people speaking that is so compelling. None of them had acted in anything before. They're not actors. And they're amazing in it. They're amazing. Yeah, Apocalypto is just the fucking greatest. But yeah, it was a crazy, crazy, crazy fucking night at UFC. But the funniest is... And I always say this like...

I'm really lucky that I have funny friends. But I have funny friends that to me are funnier than other people think. I always say that about you. I don't know why people like you. Yeah, you always say that. But I know why I like you. I know what makes me like you. That's what you always say. The funniest part of you doesn't get shown to... The funniest part of you, sometimes I don't see it in your stand-up. The funniest part of you. The thing about you that endears me to you. And the thing about Theo...

He basically did a private show for me in my ear. He wasn't talking to anyone else. Yeah. And I could not stop fucking laughing. Yeah. At one point, the other guy in a fucking chokehold pressed up against the...

up against the chain, and we're in the front row. We're like five feet from him. And I looked at the guy, and I go, you got this, big guy. And Theo started making fun of me. And then the whole time, anytime someone got pressed up, he would communicate to them, making fun of me. At one point, he goes, rumor has it, this next guy is Elian Gonzalez. And I was like, just, I was crying laughing. He's so funny. He's so funny. We had such a great time. His references are out of this. His references are like... From another planet. I laughed. I laughed.

The whole time. I laughed the whole time. And then I got it. At the end of the last fight, I got a text from...

someone on my team and they're like they're like you and Theo have been on camera the entire fucking fight and I was like for real I have no idea if I was picking my nose if I was eating it I don't know if I was drinking too much I don't know what I was doing I have no recollection of like any of that all I know is that if my recollection was just me leaning over to Theo the whole time I didn't talk to Leanne once I laughed the whole fucking event yeah that's awesome

It's a fun night. It's crazy though. I said to Theo at the end, I go, so what are you going to do? So it's interesting to have friends like this where he goes, I don't know. I said, what do you mean? I go like, you go home tomorrow? And he goes, I don't know. Where will I go? He's like, I might just stay in Vegas.

He doesn't have any family. He doesn't have any kids. He can go to anywhere he wants. He's got tons of money. Makes you fantasize, huh? I literally was like, my fucking whole month is planned out. Oh, yeah. Like, I come here. I leave from here to go to L.A. Leanne picks me up at LAX. We go to Palm Springs. I go to Palm Springs for two days. I then fly back to here to do Joe on Monday. I then fly back to L.A. to do Kimmel on Tuesday. I then fly out to New York. I mean, like, every day is planned for me.

The way that he just looked at it, he goes, I don't know, maybe I'll sleep in tomorrow. Might go for a walk. And I was like, really? I go, where are you going after this? He goes, I'll figure out tomorrow. Maybe I'll go to Nashville.

I was like, really? I go. Just does what he wants. I was like, that's got to be insane. Especially when you have kids. Yeah. And you're like. If you left your family, like I could. It would be so easy right now. Yeah. Just leave Leanne. Yeah. The girls are gone. I'm not going to notice. I could not even tell them. They wouldn't even notice. Yeah. I still text with them. No, no, I'm downstairs. My mom's crazy. Don't listen to her. Yeah, dude. That would be awesome, man. Yeah, you could get away with it, man. I guess I'll start drinking.

Robert Smith

Wasn't that something? I thought that was really Robert Smith. I said to Leanne, I go, how cool is it? Our jobs are cool, but the access we get to meeting people that are our heroes, and I know that she was a big Cure fan. I go, that is so cool that they got, I get so many spam calls. Yeah, it happens to all of us.

You can find that underwear out? Oh, yeah. Hang on. But I was like, that's so cool. And then Leanne goes, baby, that's Tom. It's really nuts the way that it came together. It's really crazy.

Wait, what? Tell me. So I brought in Chris and Michaela, who did hair and makeup on my series. It's called Zonbalon. Let me see. Zonbalon. That's the name of it. Zonbalon. Zonbalon pouch underwear. Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah, it's for gay dudes. But I brought the people who did hair and makeup for the series, and we just gave them this photo of Robert Smith.

And then they just transformed me. Like, shaved me. He got the wig. Chris did. Chris Clark. And then Michaela did the makeup. And it was like... It was pretty spot on. It looked... Can I tell you that's what... If you're a young podcaster and you're listening to this, and I know that sometimes, like, young podcasters will, you know, listen to other podcasts. I listen to people's podcasts. There's one thing I think you've done really well in this business is you have...

You have created a community, like a legit community of fans where you guys all have similar senses of humor and it's all inside jokes. It's a lot of inside jokes. It's like a family. And I think it's so cool. I actually said to myself, apart from being a part of Two Bears, I don't really have that. Like with Birdcast, the other day I was like,

I was like, maybe I'll just quit podcasting. Just do Two Bears. Yeah. I was like, you know what? Just cancel everything. You know, there's a magical moment that happened on the show, too, which is that we had this guy, Tony John, the guy who's like Tony John's. I always fuck that up.

How he's all, he's like this, you know, wild dude who's like, I like blowing bitches backs out and shit. He was working at Lowe's a long time. He got fired and we, we brought him and we did like a bachelor style show. And then he started posting online that he wants to get into the adult industry and be a male performer. Yeah. And he tagged in a video, Alexis Fox. And then during the podcast, Alexis Fox was watching and,

and called in and was like, I'll do a scene with him. And then we got to tell him live that she said yes. And he's working at Walmart. He's like, fuck, yeah, I'll just leave Walmart. So he's quit his job. He's just like, I'm going to be an adult performer. And this is like coming together now. That happened live on the show. Oh, wow. So it was pretty crazy. See, I think it's like...

When I look at the YMH Lives, and it seems to me that you guys are investing a lot of money into it. It doesn't seem like a cash grab. It costs a fortune to put that one on. But I think that's what's cool about that. It's almost like making a TV show just for your fans. Just for a special audience. Can I tell you what I was thinking about doing? Because I just always play with the idea of doing something different with podcasts. Yeah. Is...

We've been doing a lot of bands lately, but I was like, what if I just made a 22-minute version of Birdcast and put it online? And that was it. Just a TV show. It's like the highlights of the interview. And then I just put the full interview behind a Patreon so that if you really want to get it, you can get it. Because I was like, I don't know. Are the cooking show...

I enjoy, but I'm not doing a community. It's not a bad idea, dude. I'm just like, I think it's never too late to reinvent what you're making. I totally agree. I totally agree. And I think it's what is going to be special about your TV show. What's special about your TV show is I think you are making it, you're doing the same thing. You're making it for your fans.

Yeah, I mean, it goes a little beyond that. I think we're going to bring in new people, but it's incredible production value. Everything is cinematic, and the stories are completely insane. It's wild stories. So it's a lot of fun. I think we're going to have something pretty unique. I think it's a cool thing that we're doing with the Two Bears 5K is that it does create a community, and it allows you... The cool thing about podcasting is...

is it allows you to have imaginary conversations with people you don't really talk to, but you feel like you know them personally. Yes. And, like, I was doing that today on the treadmill. I was, like, talking to our fans. Yeah. And I was like, what do you guys think? Do you think I could run, like, a sub-30 show?

And they were like, in my head, I was at a bar and I was like, and they're like, oh, you can do anything, man. You can definitely do it. Do you have a goal time for the 5K? No. So today I got on the treadmill and I was like, I was like, I wonder how fast, what's the fastest mile I can do? So I said, I'm not going to run the whole thing. One mile? One mile. Okay. And then I'm going to judge it off that. I said, you know what better than that? I'm going to do half a mile. Do the fastest half a mile I can do. And then I can judge it off that because I know if I can't last, at a half a mile, I'll be like, I couldn't have lasted for that.

So I did a half a mile, and I went down. And the comfortable pace for me was a seven-minute mile. No, no, no, I'm sorry. The comfortable pace for me was seven miles per hour, which I think translates into an eight-minute and 47-second mile, which is still not that impressive. I mean, you're like... 27 minutes is not impressive. But aren't you like two for the third, four...

Two something? 245. 245. Okay. If you did that at 245, that'd be, that's pretty impressive actually. Yeah. Like I, fuck man, I really hate running and I've been doing it more just trying to get myself in the running mindset for this thing. My goal is just to do something like, you okay? Yeah. I would not, I don't think I can run a 24 minute in 5K. 24 minute mile is impossible. I mean, not impossible, but it's like you got to really, the whole thing is your heart rate.

Your whole thing is your heart rate. Getting your heart rate to a manageable level. Because if your heart rate's at... You can't keep your heart rate at 160 for fucking 26 minutes. It's a lot. It's a lot. You know the worst part, by the way? I didn't tell you this about Robert Smith thing for YR's Live. Weeks before we were entertaining this idea...

And I was just like looking at Robert on the podcast. I was like, man, this guy looks like a fucking bag of shit. He looks terrible. And then when I became Robert Smith, everyone was like, you look exactly like him. Like you are a dead ringer for this guy that looks like hot shit. You've been shaving your beard a lot lately. No, it's both times. It was for something. I know, but it's kind of crazy is that.

I've never, I have not shaved my beard. This is the shortest I've made it in a long time. This is at least, for me, like when there's some growth, I'm a little more comfortable being myself. When it's fresh baby shaves, I cannot stand it. What's interesting about you and Christina is that you guys don't mind hair and makeup. What do you mean? You guys almost enjoy like putting on costumes. I'm not really that big into it, honestly. No, but like you do it.

And by the way, it's like if you put me in a costume, you see a different side of me where I'm very uncomfortable. You are. You are comfortable just... I'm more comfortable as me. Shirtless. Shirtless. 100% shirtless. Yeah. Do you think I'll do my next special with a shirt? We've discussed this before. I know, but I'm thinking about my last special. Yeah? It'll be my last special. Your last special will be your last special? The next special will be my last one, I think. The one after Lucky? Yeah, the one after Lucky I think is going to be my last special. Forever? Forever.

Maybe. Yeah, maybe. Maybe. Why is that? I don't know. I was thinking about it. I was like, what am I doing? I don't know. It's like there's a lot that goes into releasing a special. Yeah. And it's a lot that is starting to make me uncomfortable about doing this much press and going out and hitting all the outlets. And then, I don't know. I used to enjoy it a lot. And then as I was promoting Lucky, I just started being like, I don't know, man. The last thing I want to do is talk about...

how do you think this is going to pair against your other ones? Where do you get your material? Do your kids watch your material? Does your wife ever get mad at you? You really go hard on your wife, this one. And so I was like, what if I just was like, you know what? I just did one more special. I do it in a suit and tie. That'd be cool. And I fucking go, this is my last special. And then just, you know, also the other thing is like,

Walk away from the game when the game still wants you. Yeah. You know, it's like I don't want to be like. Begging for one. 60 years old going like fucking Hulu won't call me back. Yeah, yeah. I don't think that's going to help a relationship with Hulu. My sister works there. I should be fine. Okay, all right. No, but you know what I mean? I do know what you mean. Walk away from the game when the game still wants you. Yeah. You know, like how much longer are we going to tour for?

That's a great question. I mean, it would be nice to do what Seinfeld does and do like, or Chappelle, just do some pop-ins. But me and you are doing legit fucking tours. But you have the option now. I still have a little hunger for the tour. I love the tour. I'm excited to go back on the road. Permission to party, that's what I named this tour. Oh, that's good. I'm going to have a good amount of time off.

Oh, when? When this tour ends. This tour ends for me in December. I could be honest with you. I'm going to call it. You guys ready? You will never tour again after this tour. You ready? That's my call. Really? I know it. What am I going to do? You're going to start directing. This TV show is going to be a success. You're going to do a movie. I probably know you have a movie or two movies lined up.

And those will work well. And you'll start doing more acting and then you'll get into directing and you'll find that you enjoy directing and doing your mom's house and Two Bears. And you'll be like, why am I going to leave the boys? The boys are at the age when they're... And by the time they get to the age where you can go back on the road, you're going to go like, yeah, man, I don't have a hunger for it anymore. This is your last tour. If you want to see Tom live...

If you want to see him live, this is your last opportunity. Burt Kreiser saying this, not Tom Segura. Yeah, but the weird thing is you're kind of reading my mind. I know. I'm checking out this chick's ass too. God damn it, I need a mirror or something. Yeah. That's fucking Phillip again. Oh, hi. Hi, how are you? Hey, how's it going? Hi. You're on TV. We weren't talking about you. Oh yeah, this is piped in there. Sorry.

Look at this chick's ass. God damn it, man. I would fuck her. God damn it. I mean, I'm telling you. I'm looking right at it. This is what dreams are made of. Jesus, Bert. Bert. You shouldn't talk like that. That's somebody's mother. That's what I'm telling you, man. If you want to see Tom live, I would get tickets to these shows because you will never see him again. I'll tell you this. You're not wrong, man. I mean...

It's possible. Yeah, I think you're... I think you are someone who has fleeting interest in things. Where you... I think you get into something, you love the way the business works, and then once you kind of figure it out, you're like, okay, I want to be interested in something else. Yeah, you're right. And I honestly see you directing. I see you setting up projects at different places. The things that you're doing with comics now, I can see you definitely going like...

I got an idea for Tim Dillon. Tim, you want to maybe do something that will be like 13 weeks? I don't know. That's what I see. I mean, I'm not saying the same wouldn't happen for me, but I definitely have. I feel like I have two more tours in me.

Yeah, I see your love of touring is very authentic. You actually become a different person when you're on tour. I tried to skinny this one down initially. We were going back and forth for a long time about what we were going to do on this tour. And I kind of initially was like, I really miss...

The Body Shots World Tour where I would go do smaller theaters and then go to the bar with everyone afterwards. I bet. And I was like, those are my... The last one I did... I'll tell you this because I don't... I mean, I obviously don't know exactly what the future holds, but one of the things I did tell my agent about a next tour, I was like, some of these markets that we're doing...

I go, just let me do a theater run the next time. I miss that experience of parking the city and do Wednesday through Saturday. Parking the city, be on the coolest street in the city, go have lunch, get a coffee, go to the fucking YMCA. One a night. I go, no doubles. I want to do one a night. One a night would be fucking gold. And you just go and actually enjoy that week in that place.

I think that'd be fun to do. Split it up. I said that at the beginning of this, and I was like, I miss hanging out with fans. I miss going to the bar with fans. The last time I did that was Boston. What's that venue we used to do in Boston? Outside the city. Outside the city? Oh, I know what you're talking about. It's like 3,500. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you're talking about. And I did it at...

I did it in March of 2020, March first weekend of March. It's one of Bill's places. Yeah, it's one of Bill's ones. And I bought a hazmat suit as a joke because it was about to be coronavirus. And I went to the bar in a hazmat suit and we all laughed. Yeah. Little did we know. Didn't post that video. And so – but I missed that. But then I got to this fucking thing where they're like, well, you know, you –

We'd love for you to do arenas one more time. We have a deal in place. And I fucking love arenas. I do love arenas. They're funny shit. You get great gyms. But I'm trying to figure out something. If you're listening, if you're coming to my shows, think of something, a way for us to hang out after the show. I can't hang out with all the people. But I don't know. Just if you're cool. I just want to go to a dive bar and fucking hang out with people.

Yeah. You really do love that shit, man. I fucking love it, dude. I was thinking about it. I think Travis Barker was maybe saying it. But I was thinking about putting up on 5Ks every day before my shows. Because I'm running 5K anyway. Just go, hey guys, everyone come out. We'll do a jog together. We'll plan out a jog around the city. Not a bad one, man. I used to do it with disc golf. I don't know. I'm excited to get back on the road. You're going to have a lot of fun. So this is the end of my tour forever. Yep.

I you just do you think you could direct me in a movie yeah I think I think I would drive you fucking nuts no I think I can work with you what are you talking about yeah yeah let's do that okay we could do that for real yeah I have I have a movie set up with a guy that you know okay how fun would that be I think it'd be a lot of fun yeah I would have a lot of fun doing that oh that would be cool as shit yeah

Oh, man. I think it would be a lot of fun. 57, 57. I'm hitting double numbers all the time with good thoughts and good intention and good energy. That's called gratitude. There you go. There you go, dude. Fucking love life. There you go. But I do want to die, and I want everyone to go, where were you when Bert died? That's the thing. Do you want it to be the paparazzi chasing you the way they did Diana? You would love that. In a tunnel in Paris? Same tunnel. Same tunnel? I got to rescue someone.

I got to get like... If you died rescuing someone, God, I got the best... Okay, here's what I want. Okay? This is what I want from the fans. The day I die, I just... All I want you to do, all I want you to do is tell a stranger that I died. Oh, shit. Burt Kreiser died. Because that's like the... That's the crazy thing. Like when Gene Hackman died, everyone at the bar was like, oh, fuck, Gene Hackman died. I remember where I was when Gene Hackman died. He's 95. It was 95. 95. 95.

I was at a bar at the airport. Gene Hackman died. And the old guy next to me said, you don't want to have dementia, man. Get Alzheimer's. I went, what? He goes, you don't want dementia. You want Alzheimer's. Alzheimer's kills you. Dementia, you're healthy as a fucking horse and no one can talk to you. And I was like, great. I'll never forget this conversation. Can I get another Poro Soda, please? Double? God damn it. Make this guy go away.

I bet his wife killed herself. Everybody was saying that shit. You know what it's like living with someone with dementia? The guy just went off.

I was like, wow. He used to be Gene Hackman. Wasn't at the end, man. Wasn't at the end. Well, how about one? Let's raise one to Gene Hackman, dude. Hey, to Gene fucking Hackman. Can I tell you the great thing about Gene Hackman? Didn't get famous until he was like 44. If you're wondering, what the fuck am I doing with my life? Realize Gene fucking Hackman was 44 going, what the fuck am I doing with my life? Well, if you want to see what got him famous too and you haven't seen the French connection, it's fucking unbelievable. Is that the one where he goes, this is Chinatown, Jack.

You don't think that's Chinatown, maybe? Oh, it's Chinatown. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's Chinatown, Jack. No, but he's awesome. And the movie's unbelievable. I just watched it again. I watched it last week. Gene Hackman's so good in Hoosiers. He's great in everything, man. Fucking Gene Hackman, he's the man. Royal Tenenbaums. Oh, yeah.

The conversation. He's so good in everything he did. Really, really amazing talent. I think we should wrap it up. We've got to go socialize. Are you going to eat a burger? I'll eat the guts of one. I'm supposed to get an IV, but I saw those ladies back there. I don't know if I trust them. There you go.

Easy, Tom. Easy, Tom. I'm Bert Kreiser and I trust them. Are you just looking at asses? Yeah, a little bit. Hey, ladies. Hey, how you doing? How's it going? All right, let's go check out some asses and some IVs.

Thank God I didn't bring my wife to this. Leanne's like, I don't think I'm going to go. And I was like, babe, I wouldn't go if I were you. And now I'm like, good call. Can't wait to see a 55-year-old chick in a one-piece in the fucking pool. Hey, is the sauna on? Can someone turn the sauna on? Oh, my God, Phillip Lee. Yeah.

I'm going to have two. I'm on my one piece. I don't mind. Go shopping. Go shopping in the gift bag area. Are those mushrooms? Yeah. Those are mushrooms. Yeah. Nootropics. Yeah. Let's go get some. Fuck yeah. I think I told Peter to get me a bag. Do it. Of whatever. Is it purchasing stuff or are they giving it away? No, it's gifts, dude. They have shoes in there? Yes. What are the shoes? Sauconies? Yeah. All different colors. Yeah. Fuck me. Yeah.

I'm overwhelmed. All right, let's go shopping. All right, maybe I'll get an IV first. Good idea. I'll get an IV first. Thank you for watching. Thank you for listening. Hey, thank you guys. And remember, on the day I die, just look to the guy next to you and go, oh, fuck, Bert Kreischer died. Bert died. Bert died. And if he goes, Bert who? Go, goddammit, the motherfucking machine. And then go, let me tell you a story about this guy. When he was 22, never mind. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right. We'll see you guys next time. Love you guys. Love you. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes to the top while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.