Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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100% Welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave. We're in Los Angeles. With the hit show on Netflix streaming right now. Number two, Bad Thoughts. Congratulations, buddy. Thanks, buddy. Congratulations. It is awesome. We went to the premiere last week, saw the first three episodes, and I sat right behind you. I was howling, laughing the whole time. You were. It was awesome to hear you actually.

And then Leanne and I, the last night it started streaming yesterday, and Leanne and I watched the last three episodes. I got high before I watched them. And I realized halfway through, Tom, that I was doing this weird smile laugh I've never done where my eyes were like scared, but I was smiling. I was going like this. When you – okay, let's pick apart bad thoughts. Sure. Because, I mean, it's –

Millions and millions of people are watching it right now. Yeah, and and it's still I'm we this is the next week So we don't know or that we have or whatever, but we don't know where it is right now But I'm guarantee you it's still in the top ten. It is so fucking funny, but it is God damn it. It is so your sense of humor. It is my sense of humor. It totally is and

Yeah, I mean, you know, I got a call yesterday because I had screened the first couple, basically the first one for my mom, and she called me yesterday. And she just goes, I watched your whole show. And just quiet. And I go, and what did you think? And she goes, absolutely horrendous. She goes, it's so embarrassing that I have to see my friends and know that they could see this.

That's when comedy is at its best. Yeah, I got it. You are such an open book in this. I know, right? My parents started watching it. Oh, my gosh. My dad called this morning. He goes...

The fuck was I watching? The fuck is this? It's eating guys. He really is eating his ass. I mean, what the fuck? They let that on Netflix. You are, you are the definition. Every fucking person who goes, I want to show on Netflix, but I don't want any notes. Yeah.

You are the only person I've ever seen do that. I mean, yeah, it kind of does feel like that. The only note they ever gave me was don't say the N word. By the way, by the way, that was one of my favorite sketches is, okay, let's pick apart my favorite sketches. Okay. Sure. My favorite one. Number one.

I will tell you right now, this is the best. I think you have the best opening to a Netflix show I've ever seen. That sketch, the assassin sketch is so brilliant. It's so brilliant because it, it builds in such an unexpected way, but it's such a great way to grab a viewer and go, this is what you're ready for. You go over the top in places that are like the perfect, you walking with shit on your legs. I was crying, laughing.

And then are we, are someone else on this phone? Like it is such. And we got Shea Wiggum in that. Who's like playing the guy on the other end of the phone. I met him.

Yeah, but he's an unbelievable actor. Crazy. Getting those people in it, like Dan Stevens was in a couple, Daniela Pineda, it made everything, especially if you take a silly, absurd idea and you have a real actor go, hey, ground this. I think it just makes everything better. Yeah, that was a great way to start. I will say, to date, my favorite sketch out of all of them is the fucking talent show.

Oh, really? With the, okay. That is that one, man. And I think, cause I feel like, I feel like it would have, I feel like your dad would have fucking loved it. Oh yeah. He would have been like, what's the funny part? That's all very real. Those are all things that I'd like heard him say, you know, about Vietnam. So that the funny thing about that one, like if you want to know the story is I wrote it

as me taking my son to say goodbye to my dad on his deathbed. And then I go, is there anything you want to tell him? And then he starts saying all this war shit. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. He's like, what? And I'm like, okay. So it just keeps progressing.

And we had that written. That was written. It was like ready to go. And then in the writer's room just discussing it, this idea came out of like, what if it came out of the kid, but it's from the – and I was like, oh, that's better. That is better. That's way better. So good. It was very fun. The This Guy sketch. Oh, yeah, yeah. The portal stuff with Rob Eiler.

I don't want to give it away in case you haven't seen it. If you haven't seen it, you should see it. But the Kirk Fox part, the reveal is my favorite. It is my favorite. How'd you do it? It's so good. It's so good. And by the way, he's awesome in the – I mean, I don't want to tease too much to like – Yeah. But like the dad and the cake and that fucking had me, Tom, like this. Like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

That one is, yeah, that's one of my favorites too. I love the black and white one with the... Dude, shut the fuck up. I didn't realize that was you. That's me, yeah. Leigh-Anne, I'm watching it, and Leigh-Anne's like, that's fucking Tom. And I went, no. She goes, no, that's Tom. I go, no, no, I met the lady that plays that. And she goes, you met the other lady. And I was like, oh shit, you're right. Dude, that...

And that's one of my favorite ones. I mean, they're all kind of like, they feel like they're your babies, you know. But yeah, we had a really fun premiere that you came to, Leanne, a bunch of people that were in it. It was a really fun night. I hope people start saying I slept like a homo last night. I know, I know. I shit like a Jew. Like it's, there's...

The airplane sketch was really funny to watch you defend your old bits. Yeah, that was fun. That was really great, man. That was really great. And then it was – every bit of it, it was really – it should inspire every comic who wants to make something to really make it in their voice because that's what you did. You know, just like –

I'll say Tyers is Shane's voice. Like, fucking, that is Shane. That is if you hang out with Shane. That is if you're in a car with Shane. If you're on a bus with Shane. If you're on a plane with Shane. If you're at a bar with Shane. That is Shane. This is you to a fucking T. It is so... It's so funny. It's... What I thought is... It's undeniable because...

If someone doesn't like it, then yeah, you don't like Tom, I guess. Then that's cool. Yeah, totally. We all have different types of humors. You can't deny it's not funny. But if you go, it's too much for me, then you go, yeah, okay, I get it. Yeah, yeah. No, totally. I mean, that's... You know, the feedback... Because I think people in... Some of the people in production, I prepared them for this. I was like...

I go, this isn't a stand-up special, but the same kind of thing is going to happen. It comes out. I go, you're going to have a lot of people shower it with love and say how great it is. And then I go, if you want, you can just keep looking. And you find the people that are like, I hate this. This is the worst. I go, you can't just focus on it. You just have to accept it's part of how it goes. You put something out. You're not in control of how people react. But we love it, the people that made it.

And I'm like, just be happy that some people really love it and then just move forward. I haven't read it. You come up in my news thread. I've blocked me. My name never comes up. But you come up in my news thread. Yeah. And I saw like three things, all very fucking positive. Oh, that's cool. That's cool. I mean, yeah, I kind of have a Zen attitude now. Christina was actually complimenting me on it. She was like...

You're not like checking all the time. I'm like, yeah, no, it's out. I can't do anything. It's out. You can't do anything about it, man. You made it and you had fun making it. And it's, and I would, I'd argue you grew from making it. Like you're, I think I can see your thumbprint all over it. How much, how, how much did you fight for things and how much did you allow the writers to convince you?

I mean, you know, that's a great question. I loved that writer's room because we had brilliant people in it. We had Matt Zimmon, Craig Gerard, Connor Galvin, Rami Hashash, Jeremy Connor, Greg Tukulescu. And it was this great room where I came in with things that some things were already written. I would go, here's the thing. And we would talk about it. And sometimes...

Some of them would keep a lot of what was there and some of it would evolve. It was always better after the writers worked together. Sometimes we would discuss one and somebody would take a stab at it and then we would...

all punch it up together. So it was this whole process. The funny one, because the guy, Jeremy told me this later, he was like, I'm glad you fought for Slept Like a Homo. He goes, because we would have a wall with pins of like our definite yeses. And then another wall had like, we're considering it. And that Slept Like a kept getting moved to considering. And I would take it out and put it on the definite wall.

You know? And he'd be like, how'd it make it back here? I go, I fucking put it back here. Did you direct that one? Yeah, I directed that one. I could tell. I was like, was it you weren't in it? Yeah. And I was like, wait, I knew you were directed. Did you direct a bunch or just that one? Three. I directed that one. I directed the grandparents one, the speech, the little kid. Oh, are you serious? I directed that one. And then I directed the one with Bobby Lee.

Which he's so funny, dude. Like when you see our bloopers reels coming out soon, I, looking into his eyes and trying to say that shit seriously, it was, I mean, I thought we were going to have to do 30 takes. I was like, I can't do this. Every time I look at him, I just start laughing. I just could not, just looking at him made me laugh, which is going to make him upset. How much were you guys on book versus improv?

There was some improv in that, especially when we got to the end of the bed and we were talking like, you know, I'm like a sandwich and you're like... So I was doing different versions of that and they were making us laugh every time. In that, I wondered how much the writers were throwing lines at you because I was like, he doesn't know what some of these meats are. They were...

They were throwing things like... Because different ones would visit on different days and whenever they came, they would have, you know, a bunch of ideas and we would try stuff. But they're the greatest guys. I mean, I had...

I have nothing but good things to say. They always were throwing out ideas. So were Jeremy and Rami. Always just, what if we did this? Suggesting new ways to play it or a different line. But yeah, there was a good bit of improv, but I feel like most of it we tried to stick to what we wrote. This episode of Two Bears, One Cave is brought to you by NASCAR. The 2025 NASCAR season is headed to...

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due to a fear of judgment. Ooh, I remember that. I remember that. LA's a little more progressive when it comes to mental health, but I definitely remember the first time that I said I wanted to see a therapist and I looked at the people at the bar with me and they were like, what? Oh, when people hesitate to get help.

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Beautifully shot. I mean, this is this is a testament to whoever your DP or director or whatever it was Oh my god, just the dick sketch when you go to the lady in the basement Yeah, it was racked so beautifully Yeah that I went if you hadn't had what you had in that thing over your show like if

Take away the sketch. It was gorgeous. That's Nico, Nicholas Wiesnett, the DP of all of them. Man, because I told him, I was like, one of the main things, I was like, I don't like watching comedy that is shot like, hey, this is a comedy. So it's super bright and flat. And you know what I mean? Like the way we kind of...

You see sitcoms. I was like, I don't want it to look like that, man. I want it to look cinematic. And we had so many conversations about it, and I thought he killed it. Everything looked really... It had its own... Different stories had a whole different look, but it always looked beautiful. Ah, man. So what was Christina's favorite sketch? I don't know. She was...

She hadn't seen them all, and we were watching some last night because she asked me to show her some more. I don't know which one is her favorite, actually. I really don't know. But she's over the moon about it. She loves it. She was laughing.

I mean, it was, you know, it's so good. It's so, like, you know, it's so funny. You do stuff on Netflix and you put it up and, you know, with our specials, I think we can stand behind them because it's the thing we do. Yeah. You know? Yeah. But with scripted stuff, sometimes you go, well, shit, it's not my strong suit. Right. Even, like, The Cabin, like, I go, yeah, that's what I do. It's just basically it's a long-form podcast. Right, right. And I love The Cabin. I think it's so great. But, like, scripted.

scripted is like, well, shit, this isn't my thing. Dude, you really fucking hit it out of the park. It's like, I was so...

So impressed and so and my favorite thing is like when people love it I go I know right and then when people don't get it I like that even more yeah, yeah, I go yeah, I know you need to watch it one more time I'm super grateful for the honestly for the experience and like getting to do it cuz I was telling I was with Joe and I was like I go you know this is actually my real dream He was like what do you mean? And I go well I moved to LA and

I didn't move to LA to do standup. It wasn't even on my radar. I had zero, it was just, it wasn't even a thought. And I go, even though like I have a standup career that I'm super happy about and grateful for, I go, you still, that thing in your mind never leaves that you go, it was my dream to like,

make things like this you know so to get to execute it felt like it was a dream it'd be like if somebody was like if you could jump into a 22 year old version of yourself and play baseball like you know you'd be like yeah like so that's what i wanted to do right what i wanted to do when i moved to la was make comedy movies like you know i mean like so this was like it felt like they were like here you go go ahead and do the thing you wanted to do

Yeah, that's so fucking... That's so crazy because, you know, one of the things that you're good at that I am really not good at is you love getting lost in a character. That was fun. Yeah, that was really fun. I mean, what did your kids think of it? Oh, they love it. They were talking about it in school.

That first sketch sets it off so proper, like so good. Oh, thanks, man. It's such a good, it's such, did you guys play around with the order of them other than? So much, so much. Other than the transitions, which I love that you did, like the cliffhangers, I think that's safe to say. Yeah. Is that you'll end one sketch and be like, huh? And then you'll start another sketch and be like, oh. Yes, yeah, yeah.

Now, we played with that a lot. And then even when we thought we had our order, we were still debating. And we ended up switching some things around. But almost from the beginning, we thought that that assassin one was the way to start the show. Oh, it's so good. Yeah. It's so good because it escalates.

so quickly and really gets you to where the show will be. Yeah, exactly. It's a great introduction. It's a great, it's a great foot forward. Thanks, man. Did you go in knowing you wanted Sickler and Kevin Christie and, and Johnny Pemberton and Bobby and, or did you, they audition? It was, uh, casting was crazy. One of the things was like,

We're in Austin because we always talk about if we were in L.A., it would be so easy to call so many people you knew. So that was a big thing. And we did cast a lot of Austin people that were super talented. People also came from Houston and Dallas, and we had people fly in from New York and Arizona. But when it came to those, it was... So the Sickler thing, we were just like, hey, you know...

who do you want standing next to you while you're naked cuz at first they were like she was cast like a local guy and I was like I liked that it was sickler I was like it'll be fun to be sickler Kevin did me a just a super solid because it was like it was a small part and he's like a he's an accomplished actor he's been in like a bunch of real things Bobby I thought was so perfect

to play the part of, like, he plays so the victim so well. Like, you know, when he's being kind of like bullied in a way, his natural way of playing that I think is so funny. Like him in that role is so funny. He's great. I wasn't supposed to be in that one. My role in that one with Bobby, that was supposed to be Momoa. And so our whole thing was, if you can't get someone who's like genuinely a sex symbol,

Let's get somebody who's like kind of like why the fuck do you find this person sexy Wow wait, so what happened? Momoa backed out? Yeah, so we changed all our whole entire production Moved everything all to accommodate like his schedule because he was like I'll do it We were all like out of our minds just so happy about it and then like two weeks before He FaceTimed me from a bathtub. He was like hey, what's up? I'm like are you taking a bath? He's like yeah, I

I can't make it man I was like he was like in New Zealand they were shooting more pickups from his movie or something so I was like all right so then we were like we didn't want to get somebody where you go like yeah that guy's sexy too cuz like he stands out did you reach out to Brad Pitt we did reach out to the he was shooting a movie and I don't know Louisiana or something so but then we were like once we get those guys off the table it felt like it was funnier

To make it like the anti-sex symbol. I thought it was even fun. By the way, I mean, I'm sure Momoa would have been great. It would have been hilarious to watch him walk in. And I bet he would have killed it. But I thought it was funnier that it was the guy that makes subs. Yeah, then we just tried to make him like kind of a dirtbag, you know? Yeah, so that was that. And we got surprised. Like Shea saying, Shea Wiggum saying yes to the baddest ass. And then Dan Stevens, who plays the guy that runs the old folks home.

You know, with the old lady, the guy who's like, these people. Yeah, wait, who's the one, better yet, who's the one who plays the gym owner, the gym manager? That's him? He's from fucking like Downton Abbey, right? Yes, yes. Holy shit. You know who Leanne kept saying that was? Last night we were watching it, she goes, they got Carrie Hughes again. I go, Carrie Hughes? No.

You're the guy from Princess Bride and she goes that's Carrie Hughes and I went no and he had makeup on so I'm going like this you know how you look at like a like a People go hey, what do you see first in this picture an elephant or or a sword? And I was like I kept looking at his face trying to see it and I was like that's not him and then all of a sudden I went oh shit. That is the guy from Downton Abbey. Yes, I mean, he's so handsome shit. He's gorgeous. I

I could see how she could confuse them, but they're also about 30 years apart in age. A lot. Well, you know what's crazy? Yeah. We were doing something, and we got reached... This is going to sound weird, but someone said...

We were making something, and someone said, Kerry Hughes is available. Yeah. And I went, what? And they're like, yeah, he's really cool. He's funny. He's, like, really dialed in. I guess he's, like, a regular guy. And I was like, wait, I go, I think he's wrong for it, but I'd cast him just to meet him. Yeah. Give him the job. Hey, I just wanted to meet you. I just want to meet him. He's fucking awesome, dude. Mm-hmm.

He is amazing, actually. Yeah. He's a really great actor. I got to say this, okay? And I'm just curious. Yeah. Was there ever a conversation about we should put Bert in one? Yeah. Yeah. We all saw your promos.

You know what's so funny? Yeah. I posted that promo yesterday. Yeah. And I actually had a dream. I had a dream. It's so funny. I had a dream that I walked off the set of my own show and went over to your show and said, hey, can I – I just walked off the set of my show. Can I work on your show? I don't have a show anymore. And you were like, of course. I got you.

And then you're like, you're going to be like, you can get us coffee and stuff. And I was like, Tom, I had a dream about this, right? And I woke up and I thought, wait, he put everyone in that and I wasn't in it. And I was like, oh, I should do a promo. I'll do a promo to promote the show saying that I wasn't in it. That was very funny. But what's so funny is I was like, as soon as I did it, I was like, well, I didn't put Tom in anything.

And then randomly we did the promo and at the very end I go, wait, he was in the cabin. That's right. So I said, okay, I put him in the cabin. But what's so funny is even people you know are our friends. Like Mr. Clappicle. He's a great guy. I love Mr. Clappicle. But Mr. Clappicle wrote in one of the comments, I didn't see Bert. I didn't see Tom in the machine. What?

There you go. I was like, guys, I'm joking. Like, I think sometimes my personality gets lost in, like, people think I'm 100% serious all the time. Or I don't know what it is. But I was like, I'm joking, obviously. But I'm also not joking at all. Yeah.

I'm joking 100%, but 0% at the same time. Yeah, I got it. I got it. If you run a small business, you know there's nothing small about it. As a business owner myself, I get it. The thing that helped me the most when all of the decisions began to feel daunting was knowing that I had the right platform with all the tools I needed to be successful. Shopify. Cha-ching.

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We had written a scene in the machine for all my friends to be in, like a cameo scene for all my friends to be in. But we were shooting in Serbia, and there was five days where you had to be quarantined, and it was just so not feasible to bring people over and have them wait for five days and then fly home. So it was like it was – I turned down a movie that shot in Oklahoma City.

back then where like they just they gave me an offer to play the part and uh and it was like here's here's the days you need to be here and i was like i can do that it was like let's say 12 days right of shooting this movie and they're like cool we need you two weeks before then

And then a week after, and I was still like, okay, maybe. And then as we got closer, they're like, you actually need to stay multiple weeks after also. So the 12-day shoot, they wanted me there for like six weeks. And I was like, I can't do that, dude. That's insane. It's crazy. Because of like how they were quarantining back then. It's so crazy to think that quarantines actually happened. Yeah, that you could say you can't go outside.

Yeah, and also we just need you here. You've got to just stay here for a couple weeks. I was like, I can't do that, dude. We did talk about... Just so we're clear, I did want Tom to be in the machine. It couldn't have happened. And I did put Tom. You were the very first person I called for the cabin. Yes. No, for this show, casting was like a very scrambled thing where you're always like...

Who fits into this part? What's the way that they would, you know, who can do it at what time? And it was always like, what would be a good fit? People's schedule. Looking back, I don't know if you, what was the one? I think we were, because I wanted to actually play you in one. And we were kicking around that idea. Yeah.

Yeah. So it just didn't... It was just one of those things where it wasn't like never thought about or discussed. It just didn't pan out. But, you know, hopefully we can do another one. Hopefully there's season two. Yeah. What would you like to play? Just a guy that sucks a dick or gets fucked in the ass or shits himself or eats a guy with shit on his ass. Whatever you like. Whatever you're into, you know? Yeah. Do you want to do like an orgy scene or something? Yeah, I'll tell you what. Can I...

I literally was like, I would be so difficult because I'm not cool with all the shit you're cool with. Like, I can't... Like, I couldn't have shit on my legs for an extended period of time. Oh, my God. Like, I couldn't put the veneers in that you did. Oh, those were horrible. Like, twice. Twice. You did it for the thing on the back and the other guy. Yeah. Like, I can't... I can't... Like, I'm not... I'm not an actor like you're an actor. You're... I mean, I have to say this, and I hope, you know, I...

I mean, I don't think this is a surprise to anyone. You're a really good actor. You're really fucking good. Like, you're good at getting into a character and being a different person, and you're also good at being Tom and being subtle and quiet, and, like, your choices are fucking amazing. I am not that good. I can play Bert, and that's it. And I can't have shit touch me. I need to wear my clothes.

You do you really well, though. I do me pretty good. You do you really well. Yeah. Yeah. Well, thanks. I appreciate that. I think playing the characters is the most fun. I couldn't. It's crazy to see you with hair. That also freaked me out. And also, I think I told you, and I wasn't joking, that day when I was playing the Italian guy, and I was A, walking around, and everybody was like, wow, you look great.

And I would look in the mirror and I was like, maybe I do want hair transplants. That was the only day that I thought that. Leanne kept saying he is so attractive. He's an attractive guy. With shaved beard, Bert, he's attractive. With hair, he's attractive. And then he goes back to Tom and he looks like Kevin James. Pull up Kevin James got a new special called Irregardless. Pull up Irregardless if you can and tell me this doesn't look like a Tom Segura special. Kevin James Irregardless. Oh my God.

Oh, my God. You and Kevin James should do a twins movie. He's got to be dying that beard, right? Yeah. That's pretty dark. I think everyone's dying their beard except for you. Yeah. My friend Steve that came to the 5K. Yeah. We're the same age, and his beard is totally dark. And I was like, you're using a dye, right? He's like, no, it just grows like this. That's real. That's fucking crazy. Yeah, it was so dark. Wait, have we talked about the 5K at all? Yeah, we did a podcast on the 5K.

I fucking don't remember. We did a podcast at the 5K. I've been eating edibles every night now. I've been smoking weed every night. I'm not sober sober. Like, I don't think I ever have an attraction to being sober, but like, not drinking has felt fucking really good these last eight days. Eight days?

You're almost time to get a coin. It ends in about four hours. Oh, it's over in four hours. Okay. Yeah. All right. It ends in four hours. I'm having a glass of our vodka. I'm getting on a plane. Tom, it's just flying, man. It's flying. Yeah. I know. We fly differently. We talked about that. I'm like, yeah, I don't care. Do a barrel roll. I don't give a shit. And then you're like...

Yeah. Turbulence makes me laugh. Everyone's like panicking on my flight and I'm like, it's fine. Oh,

You can hear it, like the engine separating from the wing. I feel so good. I feel so good right now that I go, don't drink, don't drink. Let's see how long I can not drink on the flight. And that way I'll minimize my drinking. But then we're going to Chicago for a bottle takeover, or for a bar takeover. Both. We have a bottle signing and a bar takeover. We have a bottle signing and a bar takeover. I'm going to drink in Chicago. By the way, I'm also eating clean. I'm eating good. Yeah, where is that, by the way, so we can say it? Oh.

And then I think I'm going to the Post Malone Jelly Roll concert. Okay, hold on. It's the Old Crow Smokehouse. It's the 21st. Scroll up a little bit. Yeah, the May 21st, 8 p.m. That's 3506 North Clark Street in Chicago. It is a free and open to the public event, 21 and over, of course.

That is going to be a lot of fun. We've done a bunch of bar takeovers all over the country. And so you guys should come out. If you're in Chicago, we will be there from 8 p.m. And if I know Bert, we'll be there until way after 8 p.m. And if you're a college kid and you don't have any money to drink, come out. We'll pour you free drinks. There you go. There you go. I mean, that's the thing. College kids show up. If you're a broke college kid and you're in Chicago, show up. We'll get you drunk.

There's the offer. And then I'm going to Post Malone and Jelly Roll that next night. The next night. Oh, that's cool. At Wrigley Field by myself. That's going to be awesome. I'm going to concert by myself. That's okay. You'll have fun. I don't know. My only problem is I don't want to bother Jelly Roll's band and Jelly Roll. I don't want to be like... I'm not going to fucking just go sit in the stands. I'm going to want to go backstage and hang out with them. I just feel like I don't want to bother people.

Well, I mean, you're friends. You guys can, you'll be fine. I know. Go hang, chill. Yeah. And then we're going to the Coca-Cola 600 for Labor Day weekend. We're doing Something's Burning at, in Charlotte, North Carolina.

On the infield during the fucking Coca-Cola 600. During it? During the Coca-Cola 600, I'm making, check this out. So this is the deal. NASCAR's like, yo, can you do a pop-up at NASCAR at an event? They gave me like five races, one of them being the fucking, the one we went to, the Daytona 500. It didn't work in my schedule.

Anyway, I pick, based on food, I pick Charlotte, North Carolina. We're making biscuit briskets. Brisket briskets. Brisket brisket pimento cheese sauce, and we're making little sliders, and we're just handing them out to everyone. We're going to make 1,000 of them. 1,000? 1,000 of them. Are you going to have some help? Yeah. Dave Williamson's coming with me, and the guys, Jody over at Rec Tech is coming down. He's going to bring a grill. We've got a grill.

We've got a party bus coming to hang out. We've got tents. I'm so excited for this. And by the way, since I've had what's-his-name Kurt Busch on, I've been watching NASCAR nonstop. Dude, NASCAR and wrestling. I'm like, all of a sudden, I go to one wrestling event, and I'm watching wrestling nonstop.

I watched Monday Night Raw the other night live. Yeah, yeah. I mean, those are exciting events, dude. I mean, NASCAR for me, when we went to the Daytona 500, I was like, holy shit. I'd never experienced anything like it. It really was so fucking cool. Why is it that... Sorry to interrupt. Why is it that NASCAR has rednecks and F1 has princes? I mean, I don't know, dude. Like, F1 definitely...

erupted and had been a huge European thing. That's like a European sport basically that has gone global. And so it's always been the creme de la creme like that kind of society loves it. But also I would say in Europe,

You do have princes and dukes at F1, but the working class man also loves F1 there. It kind of transcends all social classes, even though people associate it as an elite kind of fan base. And I don't know. NASCAR started in the Southeast. It was country shit, those guys. That was the origins of it. So it's always been this thing that...

It did kind of become like this redneck is what you associate with it. But then you get around them and you realize that these...

you know the the fucking brains behind it they're brilliant like the people who are analyzing the data and the engineers associated with it i mean it's very very highly technical and and and super sophisticated but people will casually kind of dismiss it as just being like a bunch of rednecks driving in a circle you know but why is it why is american car culture yeah is like

And I mean this, I'm just saying, like for broad strokes purposes, American car culture is kind of like, you know, like grease heads, grease monkey and like grease heads and like kind of lowbrow and like... Yeah. And then European car culture is like Ferrari, Porsche, Mercedes. It's like a... There's like a shine to European car culture. Yeah, you're right. You're totally right. I don't... I mean, you know, with...

Part of it, I think, is that in the F1 world, the teams that have the most kind of weight to them that are traditionally dominant in that sport, they're all European luxe brands, right? It is Mercedes and Ferrari and McLaren. Those are like...

Those are household names, but they're also like super elite brands. So I think some of that is just the fan base that comes with that. You know what I mean? Like here, it's Chevy and Ford. That's a different thing. Do you know what I got into watching? You got me into Drive to Survive. Oh, yeah. So good. And then Netflix suggested...

uh polo I think it's just called polo right so I watched that they have it for everything now wide receivers quarterbacks they have the tennis one the golf one um they just did liver King untold and by the way yeah he put me in it that's a friend no but but you know what you know what then so like I get high I watch bad thoughts last night Leanne goes to bed it's like midnight

And I'm pretty high. I got these great Pax vape pens that are like perfect. And because I guess because I watched – because you got me on Drive to Survive and then that got me into Polo. Yeah. Last night it auto-played like it just immediately goes into Meghan Markle's show. Oh, my God. Dude. Was that – it's like the thing that got roasted the hardest. I can't believe – I can't believe people – it's –

I don't want to talk negative about her, you know, because I don't like talking negative about people. It is fucking fascinating. It is like if you're it's almost like if you go watch Jeffrey Dahmer put a body into a fucking canister. Like I watched her make tea last night and it's like halfway through, Tom, I realized I was whispering like she whispers through it.

And it's like, but like she says wild, crazy things. It's almost like she was never American. It's almost like she was never like a regular, she was always a princess. Like she's like the first people that she's like, uh, my friend Delfina is coming over. Her husband Nacho is, uh,

good friends with Harry. We go out and hike and it's, and then so I Google Nacho, right? Nacho is the most beautiful man in the world. He is one of the richest men in the world. He runs the number one polo. Him and Harry play polo together. And I'm just like, what world? And then this fucking Delphina shows up. She's

She has the most beautiful accent. And guess what? Meghan Markle speaks Spanish. Meghan Markle speaks Argentinian Spanish. Really? And I'm like, who?

Who the fuck is Meghan Markle? Well, those Argentines love. Look at this fucking uncircumcised cock. He is gorgeous. And he rides horses at full sprint. And he plays polo. And he's rich. And his wife's taller than him. Dude, this guy Nacho, I got onto a deep dive of him. And then that's just their first friend. Then they go to the next. I've watched fucking four episodes of this goddamn show, Tom. Is he Argentine? Because they love polo.

Oh, he's Argentinian. Yeah, they're fucking – he loves Polo. He's got the – it's called Black. He's sponsored by Polo, by Polo, the brand Polo. Like he's the fucking guy. Dude, how did we not –

become that kind of white where we played polo and we fucked photographers and they knew how to make focaccia and they fucking made tea. I mean, Tom, she made biscuits for their fucking dog. She made biscuits for their fucking dog. Are you going to make me watch this fucking show? Megan, I'm telling you, I can't. You know, look, all I can hear is Tim Dillon in my head going, this fucking. And which makes it so much more enjoyable. Of course.

I got to be honest with you. It is. It's so weird. It's such an interesting insight into someone's life. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, they got renewed. Everybody was like slam. But of course, it's probably got crazy views.

Got crazy views because weren't the reviews for this just like insane like that. I can't tell I can't tell if she's lying or not That's the I kept trying to find out like you could tell if she's lying like right she makes these ice cubes with with Flowers inside them she goes I like dude she made a fucking mimosa that I swear to God I will make she freezes orange juice in the cubes that look like flowers and

then puts them in the drink, puts them in the freezer, and then when her friends come over, she pulls it out and pours champagne on top of them. Let me tell you something. Meghan Markle could get in my pants tomorrow. Oh, nice. This fucking chick, she is telling them she made tea for her friend. She made tea bags for her friend to take home so that she could make tea later. And then Meghan Markle's like, I've been making tea my whole life. And I can't tell if she's lying or not. Oh, right. I can't. Where's the black part of Meghan Markle? Like, isn't she black? Half. Half.

I don't know black people to make biscuits for their dog. I'm just saying that. It's not been a thing in black culture like we make biscuits for our dog or we leave tea bags for our friends. Or, I mean, she made biscuits for her dog. Tom, listen to what she did.

Her friend's coming over. They both have dogs. She makes biscuits for her friend's dog, gives it to one of her dogs, and her dog fucking loves it. Then she puts them in a jar, a mason jar. She has labels pre-written, biscuits with the dog's name. Her handwriting is fucking perfect. She puts the top on and then puts a bow around it. Tom, this is what she does. This is crazy. She takes the ribbon, folds it, cuts it at an angle, and Tom, it then looks like this. It looks like a whale tail. I'm like, Jesus Christ. Now listen,

I can't imagine they're in pre-production talking about this is how you cut a ribbon. I think this chick might be the real deal. You think she lives like this regardless of a camera's there? I swear. Dude, I'll watch it again on the plane tonight. I'll tell you what, the only thing, she can't dance. That's very disappointing. Well, it makes me think like, okay, if you're black and you can't dance, maybe you spend your time cutting ribbons. Yeah.

That's a legit thought. I got to be honest with you, man. I'm fucking, and I know this is an unpopular opinion. And listen, by the way, I was wrong about Ryan Holiday. Stoicism is pretty badass, okay? Yeah. I'm just saying it. I say unpopular opinions. I think we're going to have a huge turnaround on this Meghan Markle bitch. Really? I think she's going to be our next Martha Stewart. You think it's going to actually? I think she's the real deal. I think, look, for just argument's sake, Tom, okay? For argument's sake, okay? Argument's sake.

Say she is the real deal. Say she does like make dog biscuits and make her own tea. She leaves it outside. She steeps it all day. And then Harry meets her, right? Harry's a guy that's had servants his whole life. And then he runs into a chick who, by the way, probably fucks like a banshee. Probably put it down. Harry's only fucked...

the Duchesses of Wales, right? All these white broads, pasty white broads that are, he's basically fucking Downton Abbey his whole life, right? Yeah, yeah. Meets an American half-black chick, right? Yeah. Who can twerk a little bit, fucking rails him. Then casually, casually makes him a mimosa. They go into his parents' house and she says casually, this is argument's sake, Tom, argument's sake. Argument's sake.

She goes, hey man, this is a little fucked up. It's crazy, man. No one's making eye contact. Like, what the fuck? And he's like, well, I'm the prince. Yeah.

She goes, yeah, this is kind of crazy. And then they start showing him, like they go into his bedroom and he's like, this is the jaw of an Aborigine. And she's like, you have an Aboriginal jaw? He's like, yes, doesn't everyone have Aboriginal jaws? She's like, how'd you get that? And he goes, my grandfather killed them. He killed them when they decided they didn't want. He'd go there and he got them pregnant and they'd kill them and then take their jaws and give them to us as presents as children for Christmas. Yeah, that's a great present. Yeah, but then Meghan Markle just casually goes,

Yo man, this is a little fucked up and by the way, everyone's like, how dark will the baby be? Yeah. You're black. Will it be blacker than you? Are we looking at a Patrick Ewing or more of a Steph Curry? We certainly don't want him any darker. Have to keep him out of the sun before it turns as dark as night. Your darkness is acceptable.

You look like you've been on holiday, but you're not like one of those island blacks. You look like if a mole went to a bifa. What if she casually says that, right? She casually is like, it's a little fucking racist because she's American, right? Yeah. She's American. And then the whole world turns on her because Harry can't get his brother to fucking be on his side. Just what if she's not the bad person in this? Yeah.

Maybe. I don't know, man. Since when have the Royals been the fucking on the good team? I know. And the rumor is that William, you know, William's going to be king soon, is that he had planned on removing their titles completely because he so resents her and him for leaving. I'll tell you right now. The only thing I get in all this is William.

You get it. That's the only person I get is him going like, bro, we're brothers. Bros before hoes. What the fuck are you doing? Yeah. You know how we roll. Yeah, our family's racist. Yes, we have aboriginal jaws. Yes, we fucking, this is who we are though, bro. We fuck bitches. What are you fucking doing, man? Let's go on holiday. We'll put on Nazi outfits like we used to when we were children. Just like Papa. Have a laugh. Have a laugh. A big goof. We killed the Jews. Jesus Christ.

You can watch Boston also. Well, yeah, they're kind of fucked, man. They're not welcome back there. At least that's the rumor. Okay, you get an invite. Okay, casual? Yeah, casual invite. Casual invite. Uh...

Andrew texts you and he's like, yo, I got a weird invite. Prince William asked, or Prince Harry asked for your number. Can I give it to him? What do you say? Sure. Okay, great. You get a text from Prince Harry. Hey, man, big fan. Megan and I watched your show, Bad Thoughts. We have such the same sense of humor, me and you. And then he writes, Megan didn't love it.

But who cares? Right. And then he goes, I'd love to have you guys out to the house. You and Christina. Bring the boys. We have an extra house on the property out in Santa Barbara. Do you take the invite?

Well, I would say, yeah, totally. Just so you know, I think my wife has said some not so cool things about yours. Is that okay? Oh, shit, she has. Yeah. What is she like? She doesn't like her? I don't know, man. She put out, I think she had some commentary on a video, like, you know, making fun of something about her. And it was in like the British tabloids and everything, too. Yeah. Oh, for real? So they might know Christina's name. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, but I'd be like, yeah, sure, we'll be there. I'll see you. I mean, I would go. Wouldn't you go? You'd go in a heartbeat. Fuck, yes. I'd be on sunscreen for him and be like, buddy, we're going to be doing it. Megan, did you make those little fucking mimosas? What's crazy to me is that as podcasters, we take swings at people like Megan Markle, right? Yeah. It's free, free game. And she's like a regular person. She has a princess or whatever, but like,

She's a regular person. And then people take swings at us and then we get upset, but we would do it to them. So I try not to talk bad about people because I have done it in the past. And then when it happens to me and it's like a friend or someone you casually know, you're like, oh, man, what the fuck? And they're like, I'm sorry, man. I was just looking for content. Yeah. Do you pay your own bills?

There's a portal that I sign into and approve of certain bills that go out. Leanne does that for us. Yeah, I figured. Yeah, I've never paid a bill in my life. I also figured that. I've never. The last time I paid a bill, you could write checks. Seriously? Yeah. The last time I paid a bill, you could write checks. So you have no idea how any of it works for you? None. None. None.

None. I have... You know, I look at it this way. I think... Because me and you spend money differently, and I've seen you spend money. I actually said to someone recently, I was like... They were like, don't you and Tom have the same amount of money? And I was like, not really. He has more money than I do. But like... I mean, I guess in apples and oranges... It's not apples and oranges. It's apples and like pears. And they go... And like... Well, it's not like I have no money. No. But like I go... They go, but how... Like...

I go, well, Tom knows how much money. I go, Tom's aware of how much money he has coming in and how much money he has going out every month. I have no idea how much money I have coming in and how much money I have going out. So what I do is I just don't spend because I'm terrified all the time. So I live in a place of fear because I don't want to deal with it. So that's where I am. So I don't spend because I'm terrified that I don't have any money coming in that month. And they're like, you do. And I was like, I know, but I think if I was more aware of what was happening

Coming in I might spend more. I got you. Yeah, I understand a weird way to protect myself I just keep myself unaware like I was talking I was talking I'm getting back on stage After 11 fucking months of doing I'm not doing stand-up. Yeah, I'm starting to do shows and I did Oxnard last week and I have a joke. I have a joke. I don't know what the joke is really per se but in it I

It's that Leanne has always bought our cars. Leanne loves cars. She loves cars. Her dad's a mechanic. She's really into cars. So when we look at cars, like I run them by Leanne and then she's like, no or yes. Leanne's always been the final decision on every car. And there was a guy in the audience that couldn't believe it. He was like, bullshit. And he was like, what kind of car do you have now? I'm being serious. When I had Kurt Busch here,

Kurt Busch said, what kind of car do you have? And I said, the white one. And he goes, what is it? I said, it's a Mercedes. He goes, what kind? I said, white. And he went, you really don't know anything about cars. I know that it's like the, I can tell you how much it costs. And I know it's the nice one. It's the big one. But S or C, it's an S or a C. It's not E. But it's like the big one. But I don't know the number. Yeah, it's an S. Like I really don't know the number. Yeah. Yeah, I've seen it. It's nice. It's really nice. Yeah. I love that car. I love that car. And it's a great car. And it's probably a little, I'll have it forever because it's,

sedan. It's comfortable. Yeah. It's not like too ostentatious. It's like, but it's a beautiful car. It's great. Like I sell real estate and fucking Beverly Hills, but whatever. You look like a Persian guy, but yeah, cause it's white. I shouldn't have gotten white. Yeah. White's the fucking Persian. Well, there's one, my next door neighbor's got a white one. Yeah, no, it's a statement. Yeah. Yeah. That's, that's very, that's so funny though, that your lady tells you, this is what we're getting. I mean, the car she has right now, you've seen her car.

Yeah. The black one? Yeah, it's red. Yeah, she picked it. It was for her birthday, and she was like, that's what I want. I was like, for real? Can I tell you what I said, Tom? I go, black? Why would you pick the black one? It's going to be so hot. She was like, the black one's sexy. She goes, it doesn't even color. It's a car. And I was like, yeah, but...

I care more about the color of my car. But you like white. You had a white truck. I've always had white cars. I've always had white cars. Yeah. I love white cars. It's like your extension of your racial beliefs. Yeah. Yeah. I wasn't listening. God damn it. What did you say? Nothing. No, that's what I'm saying. It just fits you perfectly.

You had the white truck. What was the truck? You had a Denali. A Yukon Denali. That's the last car. That is the very last car I purchased. I've only purchased two cars, and they're probably my two favorite cars I ever owned. Ford was the Expedition. Yeah. Ford Expedition.

And a white Yukon Denali. Man, that white Yukon Denali. That was the shit. I remember it. That was the shit. You know why I bought it? Because it had captain seats in the back. It was awesome. I was the baddest fucking car. Oh, man. I loved that car. Yeah. Did you have it for a long time?

Leased it at least it I and by the way I could have you know I might be in a parallel universe if I had never met Leanne I might be a shrewd businessman. Yeah, I think Leanne just took over everything so easily that I was like great Yeah, cool. I'd rather never open an envelope. I haven't opened mail I'm gonna be I'm gonna I'm gonna bring Leanne in here. I'm gonna I'm gonna just have Leanne yell it and

I'm going to call her right now. The, um, yeah, I think you do it. I opened mail was you, you do it. I think you would be probably the same as Bobby Lee. You both, I think have the same financial planning. He's like, I don't know what it is. I don't know how much the amount I've never seen a bill. I don't open a thing. I haven't done it in 25 years. Like zero, zero awareness. I would say I haven't opened a piece of mail. God damn. And I'm going to say, hang on, hang on one second. Don't listen. Okay.

I haven't opened a piece of mail. I'm going to guess. You ready? Yeah. In 22 years. Okay. Let's see what she says. Leanne. Yes. When was the last time you think I opened a piece of mail? 1993. That's worse than what I thought. I was going to say 22 years. I don't think I've ever opened a piece of mail since I married you.

Oh, I don't think you opened mail before me. I didn't. No, I don't think you've opened mail since 1993. Maybe even before that. Maybe even ever. Yeah. I've never opened mail. That's not your bag, baby. It just sits there. You have lots of gifts and talents. That's not in your real house. All right. I love you. I'll talk to you later.

It gives me anxiety, and I think I got myself into a place. And by the way, let me just say I've gotten myself into a place where I have regretted not opening mail. Yeah, what's something you should have opened? Taxes. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I got upside down on taxes in 2003, no, 2004, because I wasn't opening mail.

And they're like, here's your tax bill. And I didn't open it. And then I had someone call me and say, you know, you owe like $24,000. And I was like, how did that happen? Yeah. There's a lot of penalties. And then I ran out of... No, I've definitely fucked up. I'm not a good...

Like I've fucked up a lot with money because of my anxieties of mail and whatnot. But the second I met Leanne, smooth sailing. That's cool. It's good that you both have your role in that for sure. Yeah. I feel like in my house it's definitely the other way. No shit. Why do you think I found you? I don't think Christina has paid a bill in many, many years. I'm the forefront of changing gender identities. Yeah, there you go.

That's just I am. If there's any guy out there that feels like me, that they're not really good with money and they're not really good. They're good at making it, but they're not good with running it. They spend wildly. If I knew how much money I had, I might spend crazy. So I just go, I don't know. Oh, that's good. That is good to keep you like this then. You're right. If you knew, you might go like, oh, fuck it, and just go crazy. Yeah. Yeah. That's the way to be then. Yeah. I don't think. Do you like who you are?

Do I like who I am? Do you wake up and go, I think Tom's cool as shit? No, I don't. I mean, that's not my inner dialogue. Definitely not. What's your inner dialogue when you wake up in the morning? Honestly, the first thing is like, fuck, I'm tired. I wish I could sleep more. It's crazy to be tired when you're not hungover. No, I'm always like, God damn, I wish I could sleep more. I always try to just...

stay in bed as long as i can unless i like absolutely have to get up but i mean i i what my point is that i don't stay in bed as long you know i mean like i get up so tired um then sometimes you know you wake up skinny so you're like it's a good morning and then sometimes you wake up fat no there we go then you wake up and wait wait wait where do you judge that skinny or fat

I can tell you mine, and then you tell me yours. Ready? On my walk to the toilet, I make a profile look like an Alfred Hitchcock look. And I can tell if I'm skinny or fat. And sometimes I don't even fucking look. Yeah, I mean, it's similar. Mine is that the mirror is in front of me as I'm walking into the bathroom. So it's straight on. So it's like your stomach feels flat, and you're like, oh, it's a good skinny morning. Boxers feel loose. Like, oh, this is nice.

And then yes some mornings you go fuck it fuck this mirror, and you just turn that in and pee Yeah, dude, it varies it varies day to day day to day Why don't they just make a skinny mirror the way the hotels have them sometimes? No, dude, and you like here to make you feel better about yourself. I thousand percent agree There's no reason for a real mirror. Yeah, just skinny mirrors only yeah, why do we have real mirrors, and why do we have accurate scales I?

They should all be bullshit. And cameras too. We should have scales, Tom. Like when we were kids, when you get on and it would go like this. It would go... So you can hop off when you're like, it's down here at 245. Are you weighing yourself? How is it? Not great. I'm 250 pounds.

But I'll tell you this. Yeah. Like I put my hands on the counter when I weigh myself and I ease myself onto the scale and I lower my hands and I let go at 250 and then I hop off at 250. Okay. That is insane. It's not as insane as also what I do. Sometimes I weigh myself backwards and take a picture of it so I don't know what it is but I know how heavy I was.

So you don't actually even see it? So what I'll do is I'll stand backwards and I'll take a picture of it and then... But you don't look at the picture? I don't look at the picture until three days later when I feel like I've lost weight. And then I go, I wonder how much I was. And then the other day that backfired on me because I took it and it was like 247. And I was like, I'm going to look at that when I've lost weight. So I didn't drink for eight days.

And then I got on the scale the other day, and I was like... I did the hands thing. Yeah. And I was like, okay, 250. I'm good with that number. And I was like, I wonder what I was. I must have been like 257 when I ran the two bears. And then I was like, 247? What the fuck? I gained three pounds? Oh, my God. But I think it's because I had pizza. Dude, I got...

Hold on, hang on. I had cauliflower pizza, but I don't think they use cauliflower. I think they use bread. That's not cauliflower pizza. That's just pizza. I know, but halfway through I discovered it and I was like, I'll just pretend it's cauliflower.

And then they had these, my sister goes, they have these great pizza bowls. And I was like, I think we ordered from a gas station. It was so bad. So funny. And then, and then I got an IV that day. So I feel like I retained all that water. Yeah. And I get two bags. I get dizzy as shit. Holy shit, man. That's, uh, that's wild. Yeah. I got a trim down too. I think I put on like 10 pounds. Was there a part of the shooting of the, um,

Was there a part of shooting Bad Thoughts where you were heavier, like one sketch where you were heavy? Yeah. What sketch was that? I saw one sketch you looked fatter than the other sketches. Yeah, because I shot it three years ago. That's why. Yeah, that was when I shot the pilot, which there was no deal. I just shot it on my own. And yeah, it's notable. And I kept bringing it up. I was like, shouldn't we make a comment about it? It's that one. It's the coffee one.

It is the coffee one. Yeah, that one I'm definitely way bigger. And everyone was like, no. You know how other people are like, no. What do you mean? I'm like, you don't think people will notice? And they're like, no. I'm like, how can they not notice? I'm 40 pounds heavier. And they're like, I don't think anyone will notice. Was Jinx Buy Me a Coke written in the script? Yes. Okay. But the last line was improv'd. Which was? The last line is...

She goes, you killed three people. I go, I know I'm exhausted. And then I go, I don't know how you guys do it. Yeah, that was great. That was great. Yeah. Yeah. Well, shit, dude. Congratulations on bad thoughts. Thanks, bro. It's fucking awesome. I'm so happy for you. I'm so happy.

You've watched me succeed so often. It's so nice to see you succeed. Thank you. And it's just really a treat to be on your side of the fence and just really watch you shine. Thanks, man. I know. You must be just filled with joy. Good luck holding out on drinking on this flight. I hope you can make it. It's not going to happen. Just let it go. Let it go. Okay. Let it go. All right. Let it go. Eight days is good. Eight days is a long time. Eight days is a long time. And then if I don't drink a couple times in Hawaii...

You're back on. You're just on it. Yeah. And then if I don't drink. Yeah. So it's just all you got to do is a little bit. You know, Tom, let me tell you something. If you're listening right now and you're thinking about quit drinking. Here's the hold on. Here's the theory. Here's the deal.

Just do better today than you did yesterday. That's it That's all you got to do do better today than you yesterday And if you have if you get out of control today realize you got an easier day coming tomorrow That's all you gotta live your life. Can I give you the other tent hint? This is what the end did if you're having a hard time on social media and you're on social media a lot, right? And you're like fuck I wish I could stop it. You know what Leanne's had me do what I'm allowed ten minutes and when my timer comes up Whatever I was just watching. I got to write a joke about oh, oh

It's pretty awesome. It's pretty good. Yeah. Okay. Well, thanks. Thank you guys for watching and listening. And please check out Bad Thoughts. It's on Netflix.

Please tell your friends. And, yeah, thank you guys. Check out Lucky streaming on Netflix right now. Permission to Party World Tour starts in September. We're in Rockford, Illinois. I will see you there. We're hitting Red Rocks October 1st. What else, Tommy? Yeah, tour dates, tomscura.com slash tour. I got a full fall schedule and I'm super looking forward to it. If you were ever wondering if Tom casually used the phrase come a little bit in his tour titles and where does this come from, check out Bad Thoughts.

Tom thinks about cum a lot. Yeah, I guess it's on my mind. Thanks, man. Love you. Have a good trip to Hawaii. Love you, buddy. Love you. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.