Bears vs. Wild Animals | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 202
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This week on Two Bears, One Cave. You know that's the number one thing Googled about me is Bert Kreischer liver drainage. Yeah. And feathers go everywhere. Every black guy looks jacked. Every fucking black guy looks jacked. 100%.

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on first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. Hey, guys. Brand new episode of Two Bears, One Cave right into this camera with the two skinniest comics in town. Easily. Start with it. Go ahead and say it. You said it earlier, and that means a lot to me. You look great. You look different.

It's good. So when you were critiquing, when you would see me and you go, oh, like you weren't saying it as a dick. You were saying that as a friend. Thousand percent. I found that out. Do you know which one like also threw me off so crazy? What? When I was here a while ago and I was like, hey man, what are we going to do about this? Yeah. And you were like, oh, I think I look great. And then Leanne was like, I think he looks great too. I was like, what the fuck are we talking about?

What are we talking about here? It's hard to know how far you are in the weeds until you start walking. Yeah. But it's a notable change. It's a notable change. And it's quick. Yeah. I knew you could do it quick. It's crazy. That's the problem with... The problem is... And that's one of my biggest problems that I used to be able... My recovery was so quick that I was like, I'll just stop drinking next week, drop 12 pounds. And then...

And then, but yeah, I, yeah, I just been off booze and eating keto. Eating keto is fuck. And continuing to like work out. Working out like crazy. Working out like absolute fucking lunatic. I worked out with Jake Johnson. You know Jake Johnson? Is that the? He's from New Girl. He's in the Minx. He was in fucking The Mummy with Tom Cruise. He's been in everything. Okay. He's like a lunatic.

And so he worked out with me yesterday. It's so funny. He goes, I go, when was the last time you were at the doctor? He goes, I've never fucking gone. He's like 48. Yeah. And I was like, this is how people have heart attacks. Yeah, for sure. For sure. How was the workout with him? It was awesome. I love it, dude. Working out sober is totally fucking different.

It's a game changer. I've never heard someone say that. Like when you work out hungover, you are consistently like, I'm going to throw up. This sucks. This really sucks. When you're like not been, I haven't been drinking for like a month now, I think. And it's, and by the way, it's not even sober October. Here's the big difference. Tom is that I am doing it for myself. I'm not doing it for Joe.

I'm not doing it for the fans to mock me. This is a huge breakthrough, man. Dude, it is so different when you quit drinking not for a bet. Yeah. Like, it is... Just for yourself. I got on a plane. I had to go to a disc... Shout out to DGLO. I went to a disc golf Great Lake Open. And I didn't want to drink, right? So I didn't want it because I was losing weight and I was feeling good. I was feeling very clear in my head. I got on the plane.

And there's the instinct when they go around and they go, do you want to drink? There's this instinct, like a trigger pull where I go, oh, fuck no. But then I got in the air and I didn't have any anxiety and take off. And I was just like, oh, just listen to a podcast. And then I didn't drink. And on the flight home, I was like, dude, I got like three days on the road under my belt. I'm easy to get home. I'm just going home. Just going home. It's crazy. And you know what I felt? Intrinsic value.

Really? It's my new word. Intrinsic? Am I saying it right? Intrinsic. And you got it. Yeah. I got that. Really? It's when you feel worth that you earned because you did something good.

Good for you. Yeah. This is a big week for you. It was a bit, dude, it's been a big month. And the spray tan's incredible. Fucking spray tan's sick, right? It's amazing. It looks like you just got off a boat, dude. Look how dark my hands are. I'm seeing this. You still haven't gotten spray tanned. I still haven't gotten spray tanned. You don't even get regular tanned.

If I spend time at the beach, I get it. But I also have very high fear of sunburn. So I douse myself. I mean, I go like SPF 50 or more. And I don't fuck around because I'm scared of it. Oh, I'm not scared of it. I've been burned my whole life. Well, I've been burned and I hate it so much that I always just... And I have fair skin. So I get scared I'm going to get like...

Not just burn, but I'm going to get pre-skin cancer and all that shit. I have. I'm not a sunscreen guy. Jesus. I've never really been a sunscreen guy my whole life. I'm telling you now, though, spray tans are the fucking move. So you went, when did you go? I got spray tan with Young Gravy.

What? The musician, Young Gravy. You guys went together? No, I had them come here. And then, yeah. What? I don't know. I don't know. We've become friends. He's so much younger than me and he fucks so much. And I just hear his stories and I live vicariously through him. He has the coolest fucking life in the world. And he got a spray tan with you? And he's like me. He FaceTimes. So all of a sudden he's FaceTiming and he's like, yo, what's up?

And I'm like, nothing. What are you doing? It's like, he's like, go and go get fucking sushi. And I'm like, fuck yeah. Yeah. He's awesome, dude. And you got spray tan. We got spray tan together. Me, him and Trevor Wallace got spray tan together. Trevor Wallace looked fucking awesome. That guy's pink. He has got really pink nipples. Yeah. So we got him spray tan and I feel fucking awesome. Yeah. Push should get a spray tan. She, cause she looks great. Yeah. She's done it before. She has. She has done it before.

She didn't do it this week or anything, but she's done it before. I'll bring it up again. Maybe we'll go get spray tan. Dude, I got the girl. Yeah? She's awesome, dude. Here? She's here. She comes out to you. She comes to you? She comes to you. Does it at your house. Does it right before bedtime. Hits you up. You go to sleep. I'm being dead honest. I know this sounds like a joke.

I know this sounds like a joke. Right now, you and your chick are going on vacation. Get a spray tan before you go. That way you don't have to worry about trying to get subtle. Chasing the sun. Chasing the sun. Yeah. You go down with a tan. You feel great about yourself. A tan makes you... It sucks out all your flaws. You think that's how black people feel all the time? Dude, it's why black people are so jacked. Yeah. When you see Corey Henry, he's going to stop by. Dude, every black guy looks jacked. Every fucking black guy looks jacked. It's just their skin. Their skin. Yeah, melanin. It's just perfect. It's just...

I'm really attracted to dark dark black chicks. Yeah like dark Yeah, like dark how dark have you ever seen the negative paint they make yeah that door that dark Yeah, so you want like East African? Yeah, yeah like Namibian Namibian Sierra Leone Sierra Leone. I want a conflict dark. Yeah Which animal do you think is?

could kill you, but you're also capable of killing. You know what I mean? Like if you go up the list, like you can kill a dog, right? I can kill a dog before it killed me. Right. And then like, what's the next, like, could you kill a fox? Yeah, I could kill a fox before a fox killed me. Cat, I'm guessing I can kill before it killed me. I get fucked up pretty bad. A house cat? House cats are tough, dude. Yeah, they're tough. You ever got a cat out of a tree?

And they fuck you up and then they grab onto your sweatpants and they're like... I've had... I've lived with somebody who had a cat that would fuck me up sometimes. I could kill a snake before it killed me. What kind of snake? A deadly snake? Fuck, I don't know. No, I could kill a snake before it killed me. I've killed snakes before. My boys caught a copperhead the other day. Hold on. Start this over. Yeah. Your boys? So my boys, who are five and seven, my nephew's visiting, who's 11...

And he's like a Florida kid, right? He fishes all day. - That's fucking-- - I know, so he's like-- - Florida kids are so broken. They're so broken. They're raised with so much trauma inherently in their life because we have so many predators in Florida. We've got alligators, we've got crocodiles, we've got-- - We have crocodiles. - We have crocodiles, like little tiny ones. - We have gators. - We have gators, but we have little baby crocs. Like little caiman crocs.

We've got sharks. We've got jellyfish. We've got lightning. We've got tornadoes. We've got hurricanes. The oppressive heat. The oppressive heat. We've got Florida has so many. It's second most dangerous place in the world to Australia. Australian kids are fucking lunatics. You cannot go toe-to-toe with an Australian kid. You get a German kid and Australian kid head-to-head, German kid loses every fucking time.

Every fucking time. Aussies are a different level. What's the softest state in this country? We're going to go back to the animals. The softest state making the softest children based on predators and natural disasters. Google it. What's the safest state in this country? It's got to be like Vermont. Vermont's pretty safe. You have cold. You have winter. Don't get mistaken. You have LA boys. They're Texas boys night right now, but they got LA grooming.

Pretty young, though. They caught a fucking copperhead. Those are only L.A. boys go. I bet we can get that. Wyoming. Wyoming. There's no crime. You got like some cowboys there, but I wouldn't call them soft. No, Wyoming's not soft because you got to learn how to ride a horse to get to school and stuff. Connecticut. I bet Connecticut's soft. Virginia? They got hills.

Okay, keep going. You were saying the boys cut a copperhead. Rhode Island. That's the softest thing. Rhode Island. You put your two boys versus two Rhode Island boys. They'll take them every day. Every day. You put your nephew, the 11-year-old Floridian Florida kid, against any, I would say any Florida kid.

Could take any. So the Florida kid, my nephew, he pulls up, he goes, oh, we got a, I forget the name of the fish. What's the name of, what's like a river fish? A bass? No. A brim? A gar? Gray gill or something like blue gill, blue gill. He's like, oh, we got blue gill.

And I was like, wait, where are you in this? I'm like, no, what state? We're in Austin. Okay. So I'm like, oh, he's fishing in your backyard. Yeah. Oh, hold on. Let's take this all to the beginning. Are your kids like, what the fuck are you doing? No, they, they, they've gone fishing too. Okay. And Ellis really likes it. And he, and he'll catch fish. But this 11 year old is like on like the, does like fishing tournaments.

So he shows up. He's checking pH parameters. Yeah, he's just like, and he's leaving lines. He's like, I'll leave this line here, hooks it up to this. He's 11 years old. He's got like three rods going. Sister's kid? Yeah. And so then he's like, oh, we got something here. He pulls it out. He's like, this is a pretty good bluegill. Here's what I'll do. I'll just use this as bait. And he slices it up right in front of me. And he goes, he's like, we'll get a good catfish with this. Says that. We'll get a good catfish with this. And I was like, OK. So.

He fucking uses it as bait, drops line. A few minutes later, he's like, yep, what did I tell you? Pulls out a catfish like this, right? I was like, Jesus Christ, man. He's like, this is a good one. And then he's like, the boys are like, are we going to eat that? And he's like, nah, we'll just release it. He like throws it back in.

They keep pulling up fish. I go up to the house and then I hear Christina's like, oh boy. I go, what? They put fish in the pool. I go, get the fuck out of here. So they caught a fish and they threw it in the pool.

And then I wake up, then I go to bed and he's like checking his lines in the evening. He's like, I have a few lines I dropped. I'm like, what are you talking about? Who is this? Huck Finn? I know. I'm like, dude. And he's got like, you know, he's blonde. He's got like curly like neck length. He's like a real Florida kid. He's like baby Theo. Yeah. Yeah. So then he goes, I get up in the morning and they're like, I forgot who said it first. They're like, they got a copperhead. I go, excuse me?

And I run down. I go, what the fuck's going on? And he goes, don't worry. He goes, we've got a copperhead, but I put it in the cooler and I put the cooler on the trampoline. And I go, what? Why? He goes, I secured the premises. And I go, dude,

You can, how did you, when they said caught a copperhead, I thought they meant like grabbed it by the back of the head, like catch a snake. I was like, are you out of your fucking mind? That's a poisonous snake. And he's like, no, no, it swallowed my line whole. So I just cut the line into the cooler and like left it in the cooler. And then I put that cooler on the trampoline so nobody could get to it. I was like, thank you very much, but you could leave the copperheads alone. Sweet. What happened to the copperhead? I don't know. I think we threw the cooler in the river. Yeah.

Shut the fuck up. Dude, there's not enough of those boys. No, he's rad. Can I tell you that? Look, I don't want to get political, but that's what's going wrong in our country. You know, that boy is inside every man. Yeah. It's just...

This country has allowed people the opportunity to grow like there's uh, I can't really say it cuz it's gonna sound It'll make it sound like I give a shit about politics Yeah, but there's a documentary going or a podcast going around right now about a big hot button topic issue Yeah, I think I talked to you. I think I texted you about this. Yeah, and all listen to it. I did I did I did Yes, really good. It's really good. Um

All the LA liberals are coming out and low-key saying how much they like it, but they can't say it because they'll get in trouble. Because they're scared. Because they're scared. And so I was like, well, I've got to listen to it now. These people are saying they like it. But that's what's wrong. There's something to be said for these fucking...

Alpha boys, I remember there was a kid we were I was I was doing I was chaperoning uh might have told you a story before I was chaperoning a field trip to Whatever fucking the observatory yeah, and it was first grade and

They I was chaperoning and they put me with all the boys. I said, oh, I don't I'm not I don't I have a girl I don't I can't raise boys like I know I guess it with the girls I'm like no dads with the girls which is archaic thinking but that but regardless these woke parents are like you go with the boys you You're a penis. You'll be with the boys. Yeah, I

So I go with the boys. I don't have boys, so I don't know how to... You know this. I only know how to fuck with boys. Yeah, with girls. No, no. I don't know how to raise a boy. I only know how to fuck with him as a friend. Oh, I got you. So I can take care of girls. I know girls. I know that energy. But I don't know boy energy other than to challenge it. Yeah. So this boy says to me, I bet I can hit that bird with this stick. And I was like...

He can't. It was pretty far. It was under a tree. We were under a tree. The bird was out in the thing. I go, you can't. He goes, yes, I can. I said, I bet you you can't. And he goes, okay. And from like 15 yards, which is kind of far,

He fucking tomahawks this bird just. And feathers go everywhere. I'm like, fucking holy shit. I'm so impressed that this kid did it. And he just looks at me like, you doubted me? And then all the moms lose their shit. The girls are crying. They come over. They grab this kid. They put him in timeout. And they're like, you are not allowed to go on the tour. And in my head. He bet me. Oh, I'm like, shut your fucking mouth, man.

All right, so don't edit his name out. I've seen the kid since. I've seen the kid since. Crazy enough. Yeah. But part of me was like,

If this was 100 years ago, he'd be our leader. We'd be like, I'd be like, I'll give you one of my daughters. Please get her pregnant. Yeah, yeah. But in this society, we're like, whoa, you just killed a fucking bird? Yeah. And then, you know, then. That's what boys want to do. They want to destroy things and break things and kill things. And that's also how you test yourself as a man. Have you ever killed a small animal as a child? Yeah. I shot a frog one time. Yeah. And it broke my heart. Yeah, lizard. Lizard.

Squirrel they're BB guns. They would be begun birds I shot a rat as an adult and it fucked me up now rat I could get into it was crossing the cable the our cable line over to our house and I was at our old house and I was drinking with a pellet gun and I just went and It fell into our bougainvillea and I could hear it whining and I couldn't find it so I just heard it

Mom, Dad, you should shop Amazon for back to school and save some money. See, I'm currently obsessed with superheroes and need all the superhero stuff. Superhero launch box, superhero back,

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Yeah, that sucks, but I hate rats. I fucking hate rats. We have one loose in our house right now because our cat died. Our cat used to catch rats, mice, and now they're running amok because the cat's gone. When the cat's away, the mice will play. Yeah. And they broke into my fucking backpack. When I lived in Silver Lake...

We had rats the size of dogs, like, on the power lines. Oh. So big over there. And I was freaked out. Like, I was, I hated it. I would see them. I'd go in the back patio. You'd see them crossing power lines. And I was like, motherfucker. And so I was working as, like, a site rep at this location. Yeah. And I saw the, like, the maintenance guys. I'm like, and they have all the shit out for rats at the building. I go, do you have anything I can take home?

And they were like, yeah. They go, get this right here. And it was this big tray with this super sticky shit in it. And so what happens is they get stuck in it and then they can't move. Their momentum just gets stopped. Their heart rate slows and they just die in these things. So he's like, put some peanut butter right here. I go, all right. So I lay this thing out. The next day,

The peanut butter is eaten. The tray is flipped over and it's shit on. So like some gangster rat was like, you're trying to, you think I'm going to flip it? Yeah. Flips it over and shits on it. I was like, okay. I said traps though. Like the actual, like the neck snap. Yeah. Traps. Yeah. Like I caught a couple.

But I love seeing a dead rat. I don't mind seeing a dead rat now. But killing it, it bothered me. I don't know if I could kill an animal. We should do that with Rogan. Let's go hunting with Rogan one time. Would you? I would go hunting, yeah. I'd go bow hunting. Are you pretty? I know you're a good shot. I grew up shooting bows and arrows.

Not, but like in just in Florida, just the way you do in Florida. Yeah. Not like the archery. Like I'm a pretty good shot. I'm pretty good. Uh, and like, I understand that the concept of a compound bow, I couldn't do what Joe does, but I would love to, I don't want to shoot. He does that fucking hikes nine days into the woods. That's what he wants to. That's what he's going to do. I just want to go into like his backyard or something and shoot something like something in Texas where they have them set up and they're kind of held there. Yeah.

Yeah, I know a guy that he would go, he's like, I'm going hunting. And he would hunt on a tree post at a feeding stand. So like the animals are just coming to eat food that is dispensed for them. He's like, shoot them there. I was like, that's not hunting. It's like catching homeless people to 7-Eleven. Yeah, it was totally ridiculous. I was like, that's not hunting. No, but I went out on a hunting buggy in Florida once. And we had like these, what is it, 278 rifles? Yeah. Hog hunting.

Okay, I could go hog hunting. I could go hog hunting. With a gun? Yeah, with a gun. I want to get a machine gun, though. They used to take, like in Florida when I was a kid in high school, they would take semi-automatics and go raccoon hunting. Let's do that. Just light up raccoons. Let's do that. Let's do this. Let's do, because we haven't done a live podcast in a while. Yeah. Let's set up a live podcast. Not this. Let's set up a live podcast. Okay. In Florida, you're saying? No. No.

We've got to do it in Austin because I think it's the easiest to do it in Austin. But let's do activities like that, like go hog hunting in Florida. And we'll put it as an episode, as a segment inside it. I would love to go hog hunting again. Let's do it because we haven't done a live podcast in forever and those were fun as fucking shit. Those were super fun. We'll get hammered. We'll get fucking hammered and we'll go hog hunting. I would love to go hog hunting. I tell you what I really enjoyed was spearfishing.

Yeah. That was fun as fuck. Can I light this cigar? Is that going to kill you? No, it's fine. Okay. I want, I, oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. I want you to smell this. So I've gotten really into weed. Okay. Okay. Smell this weed and tell me if that doesn't smell like no weed you've ever smelt before. Okay. It's called White Thorn Rose. Let's see. This looks like it's powerful. Just smell it. It smells and it tastes so good. Yeah, it smells nice. It smells beautiful, right? Mm-hmm.

Yeah, very nice. Yeah, I'm trying to find it. You can't find it anywhere. Really? Yeah, I got that given to me. Is this night-night or just walk around? No, it's walk around. It's actually, to be dead honest with you, it is not that strong.

But it's like, actually, in my opinion, the perfect buzz. Okay. Like almost like a Xanax, but a little uplifted Xanax. Okay. Yeah. Uplifted Xanax. I've been smoking a lot of weed. Really? Yeah. Well, yeah, you're not drinking at all. Yeah. And I got to be honest with you. What are you going to say? Let's go back to the animals you think you could kill. Okay. Oh, good call. So...

Okay, you have to eliminate certain things. Sharks? I can't kill a shark. Rhino? I can't kill a rhino. Hippo? Elephant? I don't need bare hands. Yeah, elephant? No. Big cats? No fucking way. Mountain lion? No. I don't know.

man uh no see the problem i i i think i think the biggest cat i could kill is like a savannah savannah cat is i could probably kill one of those savannah cat have you ever seen them pull up savannah cat can you they're fucking amazing i want to get one because we have this rat problem but liam won't let me get one she wants to take our outside cat they haven't stole a cat did i ever tell you that no

Dude, they're fucking badass. And they're big as fuck. Look at... Marilyn Rice Cub has one. One of these? Yeah. You ever seen Marilyn's... They're fucking huge. That looks pretty big, dude. Dude, they're the size of this table. Put a Marilyn Rice Cub cat. That's what she has? Yeah. It's a fucking... It's like a wild cat. They're like part...

But they're domesticated? Kind of domesticated. What's kind of? Like they have an F1 through F5. Is what? Size? Is how domesticated they are. Oh. So she, I think, has like an F4. But look at the head on that thing. Yeah. You can get an F5. Type in Savannah cat. Look how big they are. Savannah cat. And then just type it in. And then just look at the images. Yeah.

And look at how big that one is. Well, yeah. I'm looking at that. Look at that fucking thing. That's huge. Dude, porn stars get them. Really? There we go. So can you zoom in on that one picture? Porn stars get them. Yeah. What is this here? It's 23 pounds. Okay. Savannah cat is important to many homes. Oh, the number one down to the number five. So that's a regular house cat right there. Yeah, you want to get the number one Savannah cat. Average size...

18 inches, average weight 23 pounds. And they're fucking... You can get one that's enormous. San Diego is big on them. They got a lot in San Diego. There's certain states you can't have them in. What's the deal with one of these? They're fucking wild. It's technically a wild cat. There's a lot of states you can't own them in because look at how big that one is! Look at how fucking big that fucking cat is.

And they're expensive, it says. Oh, they're very expensive. Like if I were you, I'd get one for Texas to have in your backyard and just fucking kill all those copperheads. Look at how fucking big that cat is. You got to be willing to have a wild animal in your house a little bit.

Look at that. Fucking look at that thing. And are they like hunters? Are they out there hunting? Oh, yeah. Like you, first of all, they jump like 15 feet. Okay. Yeah, yeah. And so you've got to let it go outside, but realize when you let it go outside, if it goes into your neighbor's yard, they're going to fucking shoot it. Because.

Because everyone thinks it's a wild fucking cat. They are. Yeah, they think a leopard escaped the zoo or something. I want one of those so bad. But you can't control it. If it decides to get in bed with you, there's no like, hey, get over on the couch. No. It's like, yeah, I would like one of those. Same way like Slash had. Why don't you get one of these? Liam won't let me. How come...

So we have two cats at our house Isla has a cat that's never left her fucking room practically seriously well kind of it lives in a room pretty much 100% of the time. Lives in Isla's room? Well because Isla lives in a room so yeah, so they live in a room together. They're like fucking weird roommates and Frankie and then How's Isla? We're going to Metallica tonight. You are? Yeah. That's cool. She fucking met the bass player for Five Finger Death Punch at a Fully Loaded concert

And was like hit me up like duh. I just fucking Isla I was just talking to big J five finger death punches coming to so far We should go and I was like okay, so I looked and I was like yo they're opening for Metallica She's like what so she's like we go and so I bought Tickets for Friday and Sunday you're gonna both yeah, well she is she's taking a

We're going tonight with her and then she's taking seven friends Sunday. You know it's gonna be a totally different show, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're doing I was gonna go both and then she said to me on the DL She were in the sauna she goes would it hurt your feelings if I didn't want you to come on Sunday? And I said why she was I just have like it's more like a different friend group And I just want to be able to be myself and I was like really and she goes in that I don't have to explain like why you're getting stopped and I was like

Because if you go somewhere, if we go somewhere, then it's a lot of like me stopping to take pictures. And then she doesn't want that to be the... That energy. Yeah, yeah, I get it. She kind of knows a couple of the girls, but they're not like super close. And so she doesn't want to have to defend me or my existence. And they're like, what the fuck's up with this? Why is everyone taking pictures? And then I was like, yeah, cool, just so you know, you don't go backstage. She was like, huh?

And I was like, wait, text Big J. And I was like, no, you text Big J. Fuck you. You want to meet Five Finger Death Punch? Fucking Burt's, the fucking paycheck's got to show up. You think, you want to meet the Metallica? You think they're going to bring, this is Burt's, who the fuck's Burt? To take the shirt off. Okay. I got recognized by a homeless person the other day. That feels good. Fucking caught me off guard. I thought he was, I thought, I've said it a couple times though, but he goes, I thought I was getting robbed because we were at Gelson's. I was at Gelson's. I was putting my bags in the,

In the back of my car, he started making a beeline to me. He's like, hey, the animal. Yeah. I was like, no. He's like, the fucking machine. And I go, yeah. He's like, dude, is this your Gelson's? And I was like, it used to be. I used to live across the street. And then I was like, I just come here for their sea bass. And he was like, yeah, I would.

I don't know anything about that. He's like, you got some money? And I was like, here's a hundred bucks. Any homeless guy? You gave him a hundred bucks? Yeah, if you recognize me and you're homeless, you're going to get fucking paid out. Okay, that's because he recognized you. Yeah, fuck yeah. I wasn't giving him a hundred bucks for walking into a bar. Well, I didn't know. I didn't know. I was like, wow, that's very generous. If you're a bartender and you recognize me, you get tipped easily. You get a hundred bucks no matter what I do. Have you been doing a lot of charitable donations lately? No. I don't think any. It's...

Oh, no, I take that back. Fucking Hawaii. You did? Yeah. What? Nothing. What? Nothing. I did. But? I don't know. You don't believe there were real fires there? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, this sounds shitty. Okay. But like, so I started Venmoing, not Venmoing, GoFunding some- Locals? Some locals. Yeah. I just haven't heard back from anybody. Okay.

like i don't know i just and i i included my name on the go fund me you know so my name comes up to and i was just found out how much the most person did and then i went above that and then i just said my name was on top nothing yeah like nothing and i a couple of them i followed on instagram and because you're it's almost like you're doing this because you want the recognition almost like yeah yeah do you do anonymous on your gofundme no actually i have oh for real i have yeah oh

Yeah. Well, why? You could also just not give and they go, oh, that was me. Yeah, you could. You could. No. But I've also done, I mean, I've done anonymous and I have done like. I do. I definitely do. Like if it's a comic with a GoFundMe, my name's on there. I always do whatever the highest is. Any GoFundMe, I go the highest, right? Yeah. Especially if I was drinking, I'd go, I do that all the time. There's a couple of babies I paid for in vitro for. Really? Yeah. A few. I got really into that for a period of time because it was like.

Because of people who are shitting on them? I've gotten messages from people who are like, hey man, you don't know me, but could use a help right now. I'm like, for, and they're like, it's not a good time. If you feel like sending me money. I'm like, what the fuck? Dude, can I tell you? It's so crazy. Well, you get Venmo requests.

Have you gotten Venmo requests? Yeah. You get actual fucking Venmo requests that are like, yo, hang on. I get them all the time. Yo, Bert, can I have $10,000? That's so crazy. And I'm like, you've got to be out of your fucking mind. Venmo. Look at this. Hector asked for 80. I have a lot of them. Hector asked for $85. Christina asked for 20. Pablo asked for 450. Just requests. Peter asked for 200.

Mike asked for 25 Mike sent a reminder that I that he wants 25 Lauren Epperson wanted 750 Benjamin Boyle wanted a thousand Pablo again wants $450 someone tried to sign in from a new device Pablo again said let's see why a $450 Pablo Guerrero because I'm awesome cool

I have, look at this. This is all Venmo requests. Yeah, that's pretty crazy. This is all Venmo. Look, Tom. No, it's endless. It's endless. I know. I've gotten those. I also got, I've gotten the, just a message from someone who's like, hey man, just to let you know, not a good week right now. If you feel like sending me stuff, I'm like, what? And then their page is just, you know, he's at like,

six flags or something with his kid. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about, man? No, but the Hawaii thing, I donate to that. Yeah, you donate a lot. You did a big like... Yeah, so we... You donate differently though. Like you come up with an idea and then you raise money. We raised... So we donated all the profit

How much? You can edit it out. No, no, it's fine. The profit was $37,000 and change, and then I matched it, so we donated $75,000. But where does it go? Here's my problem, and I mean this candidly, and I say this to anyone who's starting a GoFundMe or a fucking thing.

Is that I just need to be very clear with where my money's going because I see and I know there's sharks out there that once they see that, they go, real quick, set up a... Oh, always, yeah. This one was vetted. That's why I was GoFundMe-ing people because it would be shared through a surfer that I knew. Yeah. You know, his family needs help and I'd just... This one was like the... I forgot how to say it. I'm a Howley. I don't know what I'm saying, but...

Um, it was the Kahalo Ohani Fund, something like that. Um, and then the, uh, then they do a donation match organization. So it's actually the 75 is 150, it's worth 150,000 because there are, yeah.

So wait, so what is, here's my question. You know, I was high as shit and I DM'd The Rock. Yeah. And I was like, hey man, if you're doing anything for Hawaii, let me know. I'd love to help out. Like thinking he's putting together like a show or something. Yeah, yeah. And then immediately I was like, oh, I bet if he needs a comedian, he'll get Kevin Hart. He'll probably reach out to Kev. But Kev just tore his abductors. What? He tore his abdominal, like his abductors and everything, doing a 40-yard dash.

Are you serious? Yeah. You can do that? He's in a wheelchair. Yeah. Are you serious? Uh-huh. Oh my God. Yeah. He's, he's fucked up. How the fuck did he do? Is there, there's gotta be a video of him doing it, right? There probably is, but there's a better thing to watch is him. Yeah. In that video. It's probably on his Instagram. Yeah. That video. Um,

I think it's on his Instagram where he just tells you how he did it. But I got tagged in it like 400,000 times because they're like, oh, someone's joining your club. It's, yeah, that far right video there. Yeah. Can you hear this or no? You got to use that. Yeah, we got headsets. Is he a Muslim? Yep. You know it's going to be bad. Anytime somebody starts off by saying, well, it's bad. Ladies and gentlemen, the age 40 is real.

To all my men, women out there that are 40 years old and above, it's not a game. Respect that age. Respect that age. Or that age will make you respect it. I was just forced to respect it. This is just a public service announcement because I know people may see me out and I don't want you to be alarmed, but I'm in a wheelchair. Yeah, I'm in a wheelchair. Why? Well, because I tried to jump out there and do some young stuff. Tried to go out there and do some young man stuff and I was told to sit my ass down.

Shouts out to Steven Wiley. I'm going to go ahead and put this story out there before you do. Me and Steven, we got into a little debate. This debate was based off of who was faster. Those that know me know I'm pretty fast. Steven said, Kevin, ain't no way you're going to beat me. Steven is an ex-NFL running back, played for the New England Patriots. Very good guy. What the fuck was he thinking? He said bet. I said bet. We get out there, we go run the 40-yard dash. 40-yard dash. Guys, I blew all my shit. Tore my lower abdomen, my abductors.

I don't even know what that is, but I tore them. I tore those two. I can't walk. You can't walk? You can't walk. Sit my ass down. All right. Oh, fuck, dude. Yeah. That is fucking not good. I know. It sucks. It sucks. You can't fucking walk? I mean, that's just that type of thing you're just going to rest to recover from, you know? But yeah, you go...

you know the adrenaline of probably racing that dude yeah yeah you're racing an nf former nfl running back on the 40-yard dash is crazy that's and he's 44. kevin hart's funny and he's very fit are you older than kevin hart we're born the same year really yeah i don't know kevin heart tour is abducted that's the we were doing bench the other day

Was not paying attention and I left I forgot to remove weight from one side Oh, so and I fucking felt a twinge in my tit and I was like little and so I haven't been doing bench cuz I was like It's not worth getting hurt. It's definitely worth it. It's not working that most people get hurt with benches They go heavier their shoulders. I've pretty fucking amazing shoulder. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I

Pretty especially with a spray tan do you're gonna look when you skate spray tan You're gonna look at your biceps and go because you ever like ripped biceps. Just like fuck it tan all the time I wouldn't be shocked if you just did your arms like long gloves. You think you could kill a deer with your hands No, I think I got upset. I took it out like if I got on the back and choked out No, yeah, I think I could kill So dog. Yes, probably not great day. No, I

What about Pitbull? Like a fired up Pitbull? I think I could. You do? Yeah. I think I'd take a Pitbull. I think I could take, I couldn't, I bet I, I bet it would, I bet I could kill a pig. Oh yeah. Pigs. But I mean a wild boar. I could kill a wild boar. You think so? With your hands? I think, I think I'd have to fight back. I think my adrenaline, once I got in the moment, my adrenaline would take over and I'd fucking kill a boar.

I could kill. That might be the most impressive one if you can kill it. With your bare hands? I bet you could. I bet you definitely could. Go head to head with a boar. You just fucking adrenaline kicks over and then all of a sudden you're in game mode. Just choking out a fucking boar. You see that

It's not the same thing. Obviously, that bull at that carnival of the rodeo thing where there's like four people standing around and the bull just walks out of the gate, just like faces the woman. It's women, right? Well, he just – it's one woman and it's just –

Runs towards the woman and she just stands there. Yeah, and it hits her into fucking Next week. Yeah, then she just lays there. I guess I'm like is she dead? I don't know if she's dead. Have you seen can you find that video? It's it's uh, it's called circle of death or something. It's So insane. It's I've seen them do that and the theory is you got to stand your ground and

No, what is this? Just like, no, so this is a bull. So it's a, yeah. Bull. Bull hits woman. Yeah, that's it. I'm like, I want to find out the, the, the fuck. Oh, this is a different angle. I haven't seen this angle. I haven't seen this angle, bro. They're just like, oh my God. Oh, there's another person. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. It's just. But if you find the, go back to the, bro.

Go to the other angle. Because that's from the audience. I haven't seen that angle before. There's more, maybe this one where you can see it like really. Oh my God. Oh my God. Who thinks that this is going to end well? Rednecks. Bro, but that's the one. The one that she played, but from a different angle, you kind of really see that the bull just locks it and this person doesn't move. I want to know the follow-up.

Like, how is that person? Oh, they're, they're really messed up. They have to be. They're really messed up. Like that. There, there, there. Go to that one. That's it. That is it actually. Yeah. That's the angle I was talking about. She's okay. Redneck women are resilient. Bro. I bet Leanne could take a bull. This bull is just like, how about, but does this say what that's from? Like, can you, can you see where, what it's from? Like where it was or no?

I saw a video. Those are such reminders, though, of what an animal can do to you. I saw a video the other day of a guy that said, he's like, all right, going on my bike ride. None of my mates. It's best go well. And there's a disclaimer. Don't ever ride your bike without your buddies. And he just goes maybe 10 seconds and misses the ramp and gets fucking flung off. And then it's a shot of him unconscious just going in a river.

Dude, that shit. Have you seen the one of the guys on the jet ski where the guys, they're like hitting waves. They're like, yeah, yeah, wow, that's a big one. And then the guy goes, whoa, look at him. And then he drives over and he's like, oh, fuck. And the guy's unconscious upside down in the water and he just split his chin open. Dude, that's the thing is tragedy is always a second away from you. Always. Always. Yeah. Always. And that's the thing that keeps me up at night where you go,

One second you're cutting your toenails on your glass coffee table. Next thing you know, you're bleeding out of your fucking thigh. Yeah. And you're fucking dying. Yeah. I don't want to go out like that. How do you want to go out? I've been thinking about this a lot. I kind of want to go out instantaneously. Like airplane crash, because I think this isn't going to happen. Right. Like airplane crash wouldn't be bad. I don't want to get shot, because then you're like, what the fuck was that? Oh, wait. But if you get shot in the head or something.

From behind? Yeah. Like where you don't even see it? You're like, shut up. Is there someone behind? Like Goodfellas. Yeah. When they got Pesci. I don't want to get stabbed. What the? Yeah. Being, I think, attacked by a shark would be pretty badass. Like a good way to go because you're like, here we go. And then you think you could fight it off for a second. And then there's a second where you're like, fuck it. I'm just going to go inside him. Yeah. Like I want to end this. I want to end this quick. Is she? Okay. Yeah. Bro, look at this. Last one. Last one. Last one. Right.

Look at that. That follow-up's like, she's okay. It's like, really? Get out of the arena. They're like, this was a bad idea. Everyone leave. Do you think Bill Cosby watches that video and he's like, God, no one's going to do anything to her? She's fucking right. Look at that. She got knocked unconscious from whiplash. Bro. Because her head didn't hit anything. She got hit, knocked unconscious from her brain shaking in her head. We have to find out.

What is the aftermath of this? Like, I'm so- I thought we could find that woman. I know. I'm so curious to like what that damage is like. Because if you told me, whoa, she died, I believe you. Yeah. If you told me she's like not able to speak again, I believe you. It's almost like unbelievable if she actually is. No, like I just, it was just a bit of a little bump. Oof. Ring of fire. Cowboy poker. Cowboy poker. Woman struck by- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was it. That was it. That was it.

This might be a different thing. That's probably a different one. Yeah, it's a different one.

Yeah, no, thank you. I don't fuck with bulls once I got mauled by a bull I was like, yeah, I got mauled by a bull hurt Bert. Yeah, who's the fuck? It's the dumbest thing I've ever done in my life on your side Hit me inside broke my ribs stepped on my foot broke my foot and then I tried to get out I was like And I went right to the there one thing they say they go don't go to the fence I went right to the fucking fence and I was like and then it pit passed by me like Missed me by seconds

I think of how many stupid fucking things I did that I almost didn't die, but I almost died, but I didn't die in. And then I think about my career now and I go, why didn't I just focus on standup? Yeah. Like what was it about me that needed to accept jobs that, that were dangerous as fucking shit? Because it felt like, uh, well, it didn't just feel like it was some stability. No, but it was some stability. Yeah. And it was at the time more, uh,

More money. Like you had a regular check coming in more than you could make doing standup at the time. Yeah. More than I could make doing standup, but you never took those jobs. I don't think I was offered those jobs. But would you have taken them? Depends on like the, the year and the time it was happening, you know? Yeah. There's certain times I probably would have jumped on that. And then there's times that you go, Oh no. Do you feel that when you're racing, do you get nervous and scared when you're racing the car? Yeah. Sometimes. And, and,

do you have the ability do you have the ability to ignore the muscle and just go for it well that's the thing is you get more confident the more you do it so even like when you first your first lap is usually like really slow not really slow but relatively and then

What happens is the more you drive in a certain car, you get to know the capabilities. You start figuring out how far you can push it. So you know, once you've done a few and you're like, oh, I actually, I'm riding this thing at like a six. I could take it up to a 10 right now for this turn. But you don't know that right away. But yeah, you have like, you have butterflies. Okay. So you've hung out with, let's do, let's, I'm curious. Yeah.

Because I feel like now that I haven't been drinking, when I hang out with certain people, I'm noticing different things. Like, I'm a little more present. You've always been sober. When you hang out with Daniel Ricciardo, is there a part of him where you sense the fucking lunatic that has to reside inside him? A little bit, yeah. Like, what does he do when he's like, just eating sushi? He's like, just use your fingers, man. Oh, um...

I think it's just that he's so – it's like the way that my nephew is comfortable fishing is how he views anything with a motor. So he doesn't – like he's so – it's so second nature to him that like he was driving a Polaris. You know what that is? Like an open air buggy thing. Okay.

He was driving it drifting on dirt tracks on a ranch, like going sideways, like fucking fast as shit in it where you're like, oh, this is most people would be like in those. Right? Most people would be like.

Slow down. Take it easy. He's drifting, like doing it sideways down these dirt things in a ranch. And everyone's holding on like this. But I also go like, oh, he's... I don't feel like I'm in danger. Most people, I'd be like, we're going to die if you do this. Yeah. Because he's so proficient. Yeah. Okay. So here's the question then. So I'm obsessed with this. I'm obsessed with scoping out new things and see how it relates to stand-up. Because I feel like what I've done with stand-up is I've done...

I feel like I haven't really branched out and done too much different than what I do. And I feel like I'm in a place where I go, I want to try newer things. I have a bit that I'm working on that's a little out of my comfort zone. But I've been watching other great people at what they do and trying to acknowledge how I can find new

An equivalent or or at least see a connection. Yeah, for instance I talked about him and Loppet that guy Corey Henry that I went to a show last night Yeah, total jazz musician. He played he opened the show with Amazing Grace. Mm-hmm. I've never heard a rendition I actually text him and I said you have to play that at my funeral It's it was so fucking good. It was but like that but I watched him and I went when he plays a song and

He'll take you here and then go, and then bring it slow and he'll play with it. And I was like, I don't know if I'd do that in standup.

with racing or with fighting when you watch did you watch uh sugar sean o'malley yeah well i i saw yeah highlights of it i didn't watch the fight when you when i watched him i said wow that's a guy who really knows how to take his time like and not and not go for it like allows the moment to play out because that first round was as boring as watching me and liam

And so, and, but he took his time and he didn't, he didn't force the crowd who was fucking Channing to dictate his energy. He went, no, no, no, no. I'll tell you how this goes. Yeah. Yeah. And so like, I'm watching everything as an art form and trying to connect. So when you hang out with Jason Momoa and see him live, right. Cause that guy lives weird. He, the thing I get that you pick up from him is that people say this about people, but then you go like, Oh, this is a real artist. Meaning everything.

Like, every... Everything he does. He just, like, has ideas, and he's like, I want to do this. And it's about, like, how he wants to design this space. Then he walks over here, and he's like, you know what? I need to make a shirt that has, like, this type of fabric. And, like, that's an idea. I want to do a movie like this. And then he's like, cameras. He's, like, really into photography. Everything is art to that guy. He's a real, like, genuine artist. Yeah. That's what I picked up from him is that you can actually do art in anything. You know, like, that's...

You're hanging out with an artist makes you feel more artistic. Yeah. I want to hang out with more artists. It's good for you. I would, my thing, my big thing was I want to be introduced to shit I haven't seen. Yeah. Because I think. The energy of artists is really great to be around. Because like, I'll tell you like the energy of like business, like finance people is a very specific energy. Yeah. That doesn't, it doesn't like promote anything.

Those same feelings as like art. You know what I mean? Like it kind of shuts you down, I feel like. If you're hanging around like business people, you're like, okay. It's a different vibe. You get around artists and you start to feel different. Okay. You want to be around it. Let's break down. Do you believe that a construction worker is an artist? Well –

I mean, that's kind of, you could, it's like a philosophical question. And like, I, I, I get how you can answer it as like, I'm trying to say like, where does art end? This is a way too heady of a conversation. But where does art end? Cause when you say businessman, yeah, I shut down with businessmen and I actually get lost and I stopped listening. Sure. And then I go, I do not understand you. I do not get you. They're not artists. No, no. But when you meet an artist, you go like,

It's interesting to see the way they, everything's like kind of a yes. Yeah. Everything is an idea worth exploring to artists. Yeah. You know, it's like I had lunch yesterday with an artist. Who? A writer. But I'm saying like, you just like the energy of being around this guy was just awesome. And then like,

I bounce, I bounce this idea. And then he immediately, this is the fun part. It's like, it's like when you're talking standup bits with a comic and they go, what about this? And what about that? He immediately was like, okay, what about this part of the story? What about this character? You know, like he started to elevate the thing I was telling him. And I was like, oh, this is like, this is fun. This is, it's exciting. You start to get like your creative juices going. And like, let's talk about this more. I was, I'm reading a book on Johnny Carson right now. It's fucking awesome.

Didn't realize what a shit show he was yeah like real shit show complete total alcoholic Yeah, like real fucking great tennis player Yeah, great tennis player, but like horrible with women him and his mom didn't have a relationship Like just like he didn't have a relationship with his kids. It's really fascinating. I like him But horrible with money horrible with money really he's getting paid $600 an episode on The Tonight Show before it popped and

Because he just let someone run his contract, and they go, defer payment, not a big deal. And yeah, we'll get the money later. And then he got a lawyer, like this lawyer, Pushkin, or Rushkin, or whatever his name is. And this lawyer fucking came in and was like, yo, you're getting fucked. They have the Johnny Carson line of clothing, and you don't own it. You're being paid as a model. Your manager owns that clothing company. I was like, what?

I was like, that sounds like me. That sounds like me. A lot of Tony Carson sounds like me. All I'm doing is looking at when his liver failed. Is that me? 82, nice. So many people hit me up about your liver draining procedure. And here's the thing that I fucked up. I didn't realize that I said that it was in Belgium. Everyone was like, what the fuck? And then you told me it was Belfast, which made sense. Northern Ireland, Belfast.

Has first of all top of the line, you know That's the number one thing googled about me is Bert Chrysler liver drainage And then the next thing was Bert Chrysler's foot because apparently I guess you said I my foot got amputated and then Bert Chrysler kidneys and then and then I had to get in front of it and be like Bench 225 pounds and then it was like Bert Chrysler's weightlifting regiment. Yeah, I was like fucking thank God especially with the liver I fucked a dog just to get that out of my fucking feed. Yeah, I

You know the big one. I told you the big one. What's that? I mean, I hate to bring drama to her, but Taryn Manning. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Man. She was licking someone's butthole. She was dating a married dude, and she went on Instagram. Now, oddly enough, I follow Taryn Manning. Yeah. I'm a fan of Taryn Manning. And so I... I thought I was watching a bit with how she was saying everything. I was like, is this a character? Yeah.

She's like, yeah, and I licked his butthole because he liked it. He was fingering me on the ride to Newport, and I was like, all shit I'm into. And then she's like, and Leanne can fucking suck my tit. And I was like, what? Leanne's such a bitch. Fuck you, Leanne. Your husband likes his butthole licked. And I was like, easy, Darren. I've been doing it. And I'm like, shut your fucking mouth. Shut up.

Keep it on the DL woman. Fuck. Jesus Christ. I just wanted you to buy me a boat. Yeah. She went to buy it. I went to buy him a boat. Dude, she'd be a fun chick to party with. Oh, yeah. She gets excited. Yeah. There's a lot of those. There's a lot of those Hollywood starlets.

That I fucking bet would be fun as fucked up hard I wouldn't mind being around drew drew Barrymore when she fell off the wagon white wine again That'd be great was that recent no no no I know I think she's been on the wagon since he was 13. Oh yeah, well then when was she well I don't know what she does hit me up draw Fucking I would like to be I would like to be with Gwyneth Paltrow on coke yeah, because you know she has crazy ideas and

Yeah, Gwyneth Paltrow. Gwyneth Paltrow on Coke would be fun. Or maybe just like mushrooms. Yeah, sober Gwyneth, no fun. I don't want to be brushed in a fucking sauna. No. But like mushrooms, Jenna. So sandwich-wise? I haven't had bread in a month. Really? I haven't had bread. I haven't had a carb in a month. What's your go-to sandwich? Italian? Yeah. When you do Italian... If you said Italian...

I was thinking Italian this entire time. Will you put dressing and mayo? This is like talking to a sober person about their old partying days. I don't know if you're supposed to do this with someone's keto. Okay. What's your favorite pasta? Bro. Come on.

Do you have one? Are you kidding me? I'm like a gay dude. What is he like sexually? Do you have a number one? Yeah. What is it? Carbonara. Without a doubt. Without a fucking doubt. Without a fucking doubt. With the pasta noodles that have the little hole through them. I keep being distracted by your tan. I'm serious.

It's pretty aggressive. Yeah, I'm like, it's really. I wore a jersey last night to Corey Henry's show just because I was so tan. Yeah. And my arms looked fucking great in it. And I was like, and it was a light blue Hornets jersey. And I just looked fucking amazing. Nice. I looked so fucking cute. But I did look like a 17-year-old kid. Where was the show? At the fucking Hollywood Cemetery. Cemetery? Have you ever been there? No. Dude, no.

Actually was sitting in there. I was I was a little high and I was I was blown away at how beautiful it's the forever cemetery and the Hollywood whatever and it's a Gorgeous he's there tonight. He's doing a show tonight if you want to go I can get you tickets He's supposed to stop by and say hi. I don't know. Yeah, but It's a beautiful gorgeous Forever Cemetery, but like go to the Masonic Lodge. Oh, yeah the Masonic Lodge and

And so it's a Masonic Lodge and it's fucking beautiful. It's very intimate. And he played the piano and it was just like what, like you feel like a grownup watching good music, you know? Yeah. I'm going to not feel like a grownup watching Metallica. I'm going to feel like a child fucking headbanging and sneaking a vape pen next to my daughter. Band of horses played there. I love band of horses. But yeah, I, uh,

I wore a jersey with my arms sewn. Just looked fucking sick. That's so good. Yeah. I looked so good. Like, see the flaw on my tit right there? Uh-huh. When I'm spray tanning, you can't even see it.

It just looks like fucking great tits. You got me convinced to try it. I'm going to try it. You got to try it. I'm telling you. I'm going to set you up with my girl. Okay. And she is so good. She does wear a thong because that's the sexiest part is when you see your own tan lines. Yeah. Because you get caught off guard. You're like, fuck, I was swimming in the sand tropes or whatever. I don't even know. Okay. Okay. Let's think of other things we could do for the live show that would be fun. Okay. I would love to kill a pig.

I would love to kill a pig. Okay. We'll go hog hunting. I would love to go hog hunting. We could do Florida shit. Oh, you know what we have to do? Rob Machado hit me up. We have to go surfing in Waco. That I'd love. We have to do surfing in Waco. That's a done deal. He hit me up. He's like, yo, don't talk shit and say we're planning a trip when we haven't even fucking planned the goddamn trip. He's like, fucking, you getting cold feet? Let's go surfing. So I'm in Houston and Dallas in September. Can you find out when I'm in Houston and Dallas? Let's make it happen then. Okay. Let's make it happen then. Will you find out when I'm in Houston and Dallas?

On the Top Soft World Tour, here we go. Scroll down. Let's do it. Nope, keep going. Yeah, scroll, scroll, scroll. There's Dallas. The Toyota Center. Yeah, September 23rd and 24th. American Airlines. So yeah, so September, are you in town around the 20? I am, but I know that Monday is the 25th and I have to do something.

What do you have to do? My mom's in town. It's fucking... Bring her to Waco. It's her birthday. Oh, dude, surprise party. What about that Tuesday? That I could probably do. Okay. I'm going to hit a bravichado right now. We're going to go that Tuesday. What day is that? The 26th?

Oh, that works out perfect for me, Tom. Yeah? Yeah, because I'm going to Monday Night Football at the Bucks on... Monday Night Football on the Bucks on the 25th. Yeah, where? I'll fly back to Texas. In Tampa? In Tampa. I'll fly back to Texas on Tuesday. We'll go surfing Tuesday or Wednesday. Tuesday or Wednesday. And then I go to Fresno on the 28th. Actually... That's fucking perfect. Hold on. September... Yeah, doing...

The 27th? Wednesday would be even better. Let's do the 27th. I'm texting Rob Machado right now. I can commit to that. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's see. Let's see. Fuck me. Fuck me. I hate that I can't see anything. Yeah, me too. I wear glasses all the time. Would you rather have lost your vision or your sight? Vision or my sight? Would you rather lose your vision or your hearing as you get older? Which one would you rather to go first?

Probably hearing, dude. Vision's really rough to lose. I forget, man. I forget about this fucking podcast is that you say something about someone and they hear it. Yeah, they do. Like Gwyneth Paltrow is going to be like, yo, dude, I have so many mushrooms. Really? Do you want some? Maybe.

You know who they're from? No. Joey Diaz. He has... Hey, can you bring me over some Joey's mushrooms? I don't know if we're allowed to talk about this. Sure. Okay, whatever. Joey makes mushrooms. He does? Yeah. What did I say? September 27th? Yeah. I just texted him. Um.

Yeah, Joey's got he sent me a fucking he sent me like 15 pounds of weed and a cunt load of mushroom He did dude. Do you need weed for your stay here? No, I have so much weed. I'm good. I'm good. It's amazing It's the chocolate bars Fuck, you know you put things away these days and shit goes chocolate bar mushrooms Yeah, you just take one little square and they're fucking amazing. They are I

We've had a problem with them over here. How long does it last? Not that long. Four hours. Technically two. Because like technically two, but we can't find them. We'll find them for the way out. So, okay. So let's talk about, so we'll go surfing. We'll go surfing. We go hog hunting. Those are two really great episodes. Let's do it. Things into putting a live show. When are we doing the live show?

I think we should do one. We can either do one. I can't do it this year. Then we can do it. Or should we do one this year? I said we'd do one this year, and then I said we'd do one at the beginning of the next year. You want to do like a holiday season one?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. We should do a Christmas one. You can do that. We'll do a Christmas one and then we'll do one like for Valentine's Day or something like that. Yeah. I love those live shows. They're so much more fun. Oh, shut up. Oh, wait. Save him. Save him. Let's... Yeah, we should wrap this up. Let's wrap it up. Did Corey ever come by?

In a minute or two. Oh, okay. I'll have him stop by for whatever fucking... Okay. Yeah, whatever. Let's take a quick... Well, let's take a break. Take a break and we'll do another one of these? Yeah, let's do it. Is there anything we forgot to talk about? I mean, we didn't land on what we could kill totally, but I think we're going to get there. I think we're going to go hog hunting. Hog hunting. You didn't tell me your favorite sandwich. Hold on. Let's wrap this up. Hog hunting. Surfing with Rob Machado. And then I say we...

For sandwiches, the sandwich that will break my fast, Italian, lots of drizzle on it. I need peppers of all different types, and I need double the meat, and I need to sit in the backseat for like an extra 30 minutes to get a little soggy. A little soggy, yeah.

Yeah, I know. It's exciting. All right. I think we'll celebrate soon. Let's celebrate with a sandwich. Okay, let's do it. All right. I love you. I love you too. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes to the top of the swath, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.