Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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And we are back and we're together and you're out of the hospital and you're here. I feel good. You look good. It's been a rough. You have a star on your face. I have a star on my face because I have a pimple and this draws out the pimple. I think it's ingrown hair. Is it designed for that or is it just? Well, you can get ones that are circles, but then you look kind of weird. But is it for that? Yeah. Oh, it's for that. It draws out the pimple.

Okay. And so I'd rather have a star on my face and let everyone see it than put like a, I was going to put a bandaid over it. Yeah. But it's crazy. Everyone's like, what happened here? This pimple has two heads on it. Two heads? It's two heads. It looks like Mark, Mark, Mark, Marky Mark's nipples. You ever know he had a third nipple? No. Yeah. Mark, Mark Wahlberg has a third nipple. I didn't know that. So does one of the guys in WWE has a third nipple. I saw that too. How long has that been a two headed dildo on your face? Uh, I woke up. It's,

I got this. If you go back like a month ago, it was there, but it never got ahead. And then it went away, but I could always feel a lump, and then it started coming back. It's a hair. It's a hair in there, so I got to get Dr. Pimple Popper on it. Yeah, Mark Wahlberg has a third nipple. Really? Yeah, did you ever see those girls with two vaginas? Type in girl with two vaginas. And what's the draw with... I mean, I'm not... No shade given to Bonnie, the woman that's fucking everyone. Bonnie Blue? Bonnie Blue, no shade, but like...

That's crazy that that's like a big thing that people are trying to outdo each other. It's like when comics were seeing who could go longest on stage. Yeah. It's like wild. And I think she said they each get like 45 seconds. Oh, 45 seconds. I thought they'd get like a souvenir. I fucked Bonnie Blue and all I got was his hat. Yeah.

She was born with two vaginas. Who? This other person? I've been hearing a lot about vaginas. Oh, she's got OnlyFans. That's cool. That's what you should do if you have two pussies. You should show them. Yeah, I'd have two OnlyFans. One for one pussy and one for the other. You think you could fuck that? The answer is yes. Well...

She's got a vagina. Okay. But she everywhere else looks male. Hold on. Who's the what's the the porn star's name? Buck Angel. You can fuck Buck Angel. Oh, right. That looks like Jason Ellis. So, you know, I mean, oh, my God, there's a vagina there. Yeah. Yeah. So he was a biological female. Oh, 100 percent. I could. It wouldn't it would be cool for you to look in the face. Like, look at his face. I think we do a doggy style. Yeah.

I mean, it's still like a pretty masculine back. Yeah, it's a pretty... Yeah, I don't know. I probably could be fine fucking that. Really? I mean, his face is so masculine. I think it's kind of fucking cool. It is cool. Can I tell you what's crazy? Oh, that's a crazy scene there. What, with the three? The three, yeah. You got...

You got hit. Oh my God. Wait, that's, those are dicks. Yeah. Those are cocks. Oh wow. Okay. That's a porn. I want to see. Will you, will you put me a link to that? By the way, I just found out how to watch porn in Texas. Look at those. Those are big dicks. And those look at their faces. They're all fucking with you.

They're all just tricky. Like you walked into a bar. Who do you, who do you walk away with? You'd be like, Oh, I like the blonde. You're just like, Oh shit. All right. I guess I'm, I remember someone telling me like, they liked watching, uh, uh, trans porn. Yeah. Because they were like, yeah, it's dude, it's like tits and tits and a dick. You want the dick there anyway. Wait, is this a comedian? Yeah, it was a comedian. Yeah. I know the comedian. I think we know the same guy. Yeah. The comedian who was like, Hey, uh,

Do you like that? And I was like, oh, it's not, I'm not into it. He's like, it's hot though. It's hot though. I know we're talking about the same person. And I go, well, I mean to you. Yeah. And he, and then he would send me a link and,

and I could see the description and the link and he goes did you watch it I go no because I'm not into that and he was like just watch it like he was trying to convince me that I'm turned on by it so today Leanne and I are staying at the hotel and she wanted to have sex last night and I was too drunk I was like no I'm going to sleep and then this morning I thought we'd have sex and she was already getting ready to go to the gym and I was like so what am I just going to jerk off she was like she was

She was like, yeah, jerk off. Get it out of your system and jerk off so we can hang out today. So I go to Pornhub. And fucking Pornhub in half of this country is like, hey, listen, I need to see a picture of your license. Never will I give you a picture of my license. I'm not going to let you know what I'm watching on Pornhub. That is a sucker's play. I know. So today I'm like, dude, I hate that I can never look at porn when I'm in Texas or Arkansas. But you can't.

Oh, I was going to say different sites don't have the same thing though. I know, but should we, I feel like we shouldn't promote that. So it doesn't get on someone's radar. And then they actually make a, like, cause I can give you another site. I don't even want to say it. Cause I don't want somebody to watch and like let a lawmaker know that they should,

Prevent that but there's yeah, there's a couple that you but it's so funny I'm so used to the interface on Pornhub and Pornhub kind of knows my algorithm Yeah, so it suggests things that it knows I'm into I don't have a calendar just knows you've been to this site I've got up to old links. It'll go. Oh, yeah, you like cookies. Yeah, it's the old cookies Yeah, then I go to I go to this new one and just type it in. I thought this was hysterical. Okay, this it's called

Okay. And then I didn't, it's really kind of complicated. It looks like a high school senior made it. Like it doesn't look like it doesn't have the, Oh wow. What? No way. They already got it. They got it. Jesus. There you go.

No? No, that's not it. Oh, that's... Maybe that's it. Anyway, I went to the categories because I was like, I don't really know. I think that's it. I think those are the exact videos. Actually, that's it. I went to the categories. Go to categories. Okay, go to categories. And okay, I want you to... This is what made me laugh. So they are so specific. Bi, big ass, big cock, big dick, big tits, D-black, blondes, blowjobs, brunettes, cam porn. It goes all the way. And then one just goes gay. Okay.

Just one gay? Yeah. Like, are you gay? Okay, you're like this. It's so specific for heterosexuals that it just goes, gay? Yeah. Okay. Just click gay because I was like, gay? Oh, yeah, that is pretty gay. Oh, wow, that guy's young. Yeah. Oh, my God, they're all young. They're all... Dude, have you seen the guy online who's like...

He's like a good looking kid. I think he lives in South Florida. We're good on this. They're all so young. They're all so young. Do you say the same thing when you watch straight porn? I look at old ones. You look at old ones? Yeah, MILF. Stepmother is like my favorite. That's your favorite category? Yeah, stepmother. Yeah. Stepmother.

stepmother or MILF or I go to someone I've discovered, like I've found, and I'll go to her and find her stuff. That's cool. Yeah. But there's this dude online. I wonder if any of you guys have seen this. He's a young, good-looking kid, and he's like, yo, what's up? I just got my back blown out by my boy, and this other dude comes up, and they're kind of kissing. Jesus Christ. And so I followed him, and then I don't know his name. I can't tell you which one he is. He's a good-looking kid.

But he's like, the one that made me laugh, he was like, yo, it's time to normalize homie head. Homie head? Can you imagine? Head from your homies? That's cool. Just homie head. I mean, it would be cool if it was normalized. I mean, it's not like it would not be cool. It would be. Name one guy. Oh, boy. Who's...

Who could normalize homie head to you? Be it, like, if it's Brock Lesnar and you're in a car, you're driving in the fucking woods, and he's like, yo, that's my guy! That's my guy! That's my guy! Okay. He's pretty chill. Dude, hey, go to the one where he gets his back blown out. It's in a parking lot. It's in a parking lot.

And with another guy, that's the gayest way a man can pose, by the way.

When his foot's up in the air there. Where? Below that row to the right. That. That's the gayest way a guy can ever lay. Did you ever see the video of the two black guys and they're talking on face cam and his chick's behind him with her feet up? He's like, yo, homie, what's going on with the feet? He's like, what feet? He's like, your feet. Where you keeping your feet? He's like, stop doing that shit, man. You saw that? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This kid, I follow him. Would you let him blow you? No, he's too young. That's the issue? Yeah. I'd want like Kevin Spacey. An older guy? Yeah, if I was gay. I would hate to find out I was gay now and then realize all my franchise playing years are behind me. What if you found out, you're like, oh shit, this is really what I like, and you're 52? Oh. You had no idea. Yeah.

And then all the times when you were really good at fucking and you looked good and people wanted to fuck you, they're all behind you. They're all gone. Yeah, I know. And now you're just some queen. This guy just, all he does is fuck this guy, huh? He fucks a lot. And he's got a boyfriend. Where's his back blown out video? It's one in the parking lot. You got to go back. You're going the wrong way. How much do you watch? I watch all of them. Okay. I get a deep dive on this motherfucker. Okay. You'd be shocked who I follow.

It's in a parking lot. They're in a parking lot? Yeah. So just scroll over them. You're never going to find it. It's a lot of videos, man. I don't follow them on TikTok. I only follow them on Instagram. Twinktone. Cool. I got my back. It would be cool to be in that whole subculture of...

Of gay. Just gay fucking? Just, yeah. Close your eyes and imagine what you'll look like six months from now. How's your hair look? The same? Like mine? Now picture how your hair would look if you started using HIMS. If you're picturing the same you as before, but with much thicker and fuller hair, you'd be correct. HIMS provides you with convenient access to a range of hair loss treatments that work for

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I think, oh, it goes like this. Your cock goes out of here. You put your cock and balls here. This goes around your waist and you wear it like that. Oh, that is cool. It would be tough. I'm being serious when I say this. I hope this doesn't come out ignorant. It's going to come out ignorant. How do you have a friend when you're gay? You're just friends with them. And not fuck them? Yeah. I think they just do. Okay. Yeah, you just fuck your friend.

It's cool. Yeah, I mean I would be like if I was if I was I mean I just seem I would think I would be a little more Promiscuous it's like it's like imagine if you had girlfriends, but then they also like yeah, I like fucking - yeah You were single you just fuck a lot. Yeah, I think this was happening. It's gotta be confusing I don't know. I think gay culture is pretty like open about liking fucking yeah Yeah, we're gonna find out tonight. I know I'm so fucking pumped are you yeah, we let a dude touch your dick. Oh

What? What are you allowed to do to touch your dick? Just pull it out? They get handsy. Yeah, they do get handsy. Yeah, they're like those monkeys in Africa that climb into your Jeep and take your food out of your backpack. Are you going to let one touch your dick? Yeah. I'll let a gay guy touch my dick. Are you going to take something to make it grow before? We should get some Bluetooths. We have a stash. We should get some Bluetooths. Just go in there fully...

Ramp that yeah, dude. I am I am so pumped I hope they know that I'm coming with love like that. We're not mocking them like I've this has been my this has been my Opus for a while. I've always wanted to get rid of the chicks for poor Osos Yeah, and lean into the gay bears. Mm-hmm. I think that community is cool as fuck and

And I think it's cool because, you know, and I'm talking a little wild, but like gay culture is all about like when you go to like the Abbey in Hollywood, we went, it's all really like jacked and good looking guys. And everyone looks like the guy Twink Tone who got his back blown out. And then you got guys like us who found their people. And they like the thing they like. They like some hair on a dude. I just think that's so cool that there's different subcultures of gay. Yeah, sure. It's not just one thing. Yeah. And this one's my favorite.

I think mostly because I look like them. Yeah. Dude. Dude, you're going to have some eyes on you. I can't fucking wait. I'm going shirtless. I'll show you what I'm wearing for real. This. And I'm going to wear it. This goes over my shoulders, and that's my underwear. And then I'm going to put these pants on over him, and I'm going to be behind the bar. You know what I just realized? Not all gay guys are whores. Yeah, that's something. So I'm dressing like a whore. Yeah.

Look at this. Yeah. Dude, Tom Selleck. Look at that bear community. That's our fucking people, Tom. You know why? You know why? For real? Because those are the people that go to our shows, but they just happen to be straight. Right, right. Well, some of them aren't straight. They come to your shows. I've had a lot of gay bears come to my shows. Yeah. And they're going to be all up on you today. I told you about that time the guy stopped me in his car. Imagine what's going on in those water. Like in a, oh my God.

I bet the drain for that thing is fucked. I know. It's just like glued shut. There's no filter working. And they're like, so many tug jobs. Do they have black bears? Yeah, there are black bears. Yeah. Do they call Asian? Bears of color. See if they have, oh, go to, yeah. See if they have Asian bears. We must allow ourselves to what? To take it in the mouth? Because Asians are hairless. Take up space. Oh. Yeah, so they're making a...

What is it? Gay Asian bears? I think it's pandas. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Look at that guy. Fuck yeah. This is going to be fun tonight. I'm getting wasted. Dude, I hope you end up fucking a guy. Just me too. You're like, dude, last night was crazy. I was so fucked up. I ended up fucking a guy. The best wake up I ever had in my entire life. The best wake up. Sometimes I deal with life based on my wake up, right? So if I wake up depressed...

Or anxious. That bad wake up can put me in a way. I woke up with anxious this morning. I didn't sleep so great. And then my nose was stuffed up in the middle of the night. So I had a hard time breathing and my shoulder hurts. And I was like, fuck. I just woke up like that. Fuck. And then the other day I woke up in Minneapolis. Best wake up ever. Best wake up ever. How was the wake up?

Rolled over and Leanne goes you chokeslam two dudes last night. Oh, yeah, it's the best wake up I've ever had Yeah, the best lives that was probably one of the best experiences I've ever had in my entire life and all I'm telling you Yeah, and Triple H if you are watching if anyone can get this Triple H Tom has a fucking series called bad thoughts coming out May 13th. Yes, May 13th. Yeah

There is going to be a Monday Night Raw right before his comes out. I will go with you. I will go with you. We bring the boys. Okay. And we go to see WWE Raw. Tom, the energy there is so fun. And it's just like bears. It's like, but it's all people into one thing. Yeah. And they, I mean, it was so fun. Is this you jumping over the fence? This is me jumping. Have you not seen this? No. Okay. Leigh-Anne's pissed. Right here? Yeah. Why? Because I wasn't supposed to do any of this.

Now, at this moment, I'm panicking. You are really panicking? I'm really panicking. I'm like, please wake up, CM Punk. Please wake up. There you go. Look at this. Boom. You're really going to smack that guy in the throat? It scares me. Look at this. Tommy, not my best look. I should have kept the belt on. Look at this. Look at that. Oh, dude. Look at that. Do it again. Punk's going, do it again. Do it again.

Tommy, it was the most exhilarating. Now, I'm going to say this. Yeah. Because...

I saw Schultz on Theo's podcast. Yeah. And Theo said, was that planned? And Schultz says, no, it wasn't. And in my head, I was like, bullshit, right? Because we go there for Netflix. We go on behalf of Netflix. Netflix asked, can you go to Minneapolis? All they were going to have me do was hold the belt. I was going to do a promo, right? So I did a promo with Otis. I was backstage. It's really confusing. The whole thing is very confusing because...

Everyone's kind of nice to you, but there is this real male energy. And I'd seen those two dudes for real backstage and they're Australian. I thought they were Irish or something. And I said something about Conor McGregor and they did not find it funny. And then I was like, oh, I think they're Australian. And then they kept walking back and I thought they were doing a bit with me. Like they were like this thing.

By the way, all of this that's on there is not on air. That's not on air. The cameras were off. The show was over. This show was over Tom. This is not on the air. It's all off air. The cameras were, the show was over. Everyone, cameraman, Pat McAfee, everyone left, everyone left. That happened after the fucking show. So when Joel said it wasn't scripted, I was like, bullshit, it's gotta be scripted. So I go, I do the promo thing with Otis. They give me the belt. I put the belt on. I chug a beer, all scripted, all set up. We knew we were going to do that. Right. Uh,

And I had said to Triple H, I was like, I want to get in the ring. I want to take a couple bumps. And everyone was making fun of me. They're like, bro, you're 52. I remember I told one guy, he goes, how old are you? And I said, 30. And he went, what? And I was like, I'm 52. And he goes, hang on, if you're old enough that you don't remember how old you are, we're not going to let you take bumps. And so I was like...

I was like, and Triple H said, what the fuck does this guy eat? They thought I was drunk. McAfee came up to me. He goes, what's in the glass? I said, it's coffee. And he goes, okay. I told Pat, I go, do you think I can take a bump? And he was like, no.

I said, but you have. He goes, buddy, I bought a wrestling ring my first year in the NFL. Like, I've been a wrestling fan my whole life. When we did this in our backyard as kids, like, I knew what I was doing. I had a guy train me before I started doing anything. And so I was like, okay. So I said to Triple H, I was like...

I was like, you know, I said to Cody and I said to everyone I wanted to take a bump and Triple H is like, yeah, I don't... He's like, here's the deal, man. If you're being serious, if you'd like to get in the ring, then absolutely. We'll send you down to Orlando and you can do a couple weeks in Orlando. That's what everyone does. And then we can get you up to speed, but we can't just send you in there. And I was like, okay. So when that happened, and I swear...

On both of the lives of both of my daughters and my wife and my two dogs, might as well throw the cats in. I swear to God, no scripting, no planning, had no idea what the fuck was going on at all. And I thought I was going to get in trouble. Why did you jump? You just jumped over the fucking thing? No, I didn't understand what was going on.

I thought I met everybody, right? And I kind of thought I was cool with everybody before the show. And the second New World, a new day came in, and they were just fucking lit me up. I was sitting right behind McAfee, and everyone would come in and go, hey, you fat fuck. And I was like, what did I do to Austin? Wait, the wrestlers? He's like, yeah, sit down, you fat fuck. And I was like...

I was sitting there with my wife watching wrestling. I'm enjoying myself. McAfee's losing his mind. He's laughing in front of me. He's like, dude, they're coming after you. Everyone came in. Everyone lit me up. And when they came out,

They were just staring at me and they're like, yeah, take off your shirt, fat boy. Show them titties. Show them fucking titties, fat boy or whatever. And I was like, I would have had a seizure. Dude, one guy got in my fucking face. This is on the screen. One guy got in my face and started getting in my face up in the thing talking shit. And I just, I lifted my shirt up too. I didn't know what to do. I'm not trained for this. I thought we were all friends.

I really, really honestly, my big mistake was I walked in. Now I regret it. I walked in that day and I said, is CM Punk here? And I think everyone was like, we're all people too. Why the fuck are you looking for CM Punk? But he's the only one I know. Right. Because we did the football thing together.

And when I saw him, I said, I swear to God, this is on camera. You can find this on camera. I said, are you wrestling tonight? And he went, no. I said, what are you doing here? He goes, I'm just doing a promo for WrestleMania. It's in two weeks. I was like, okay. I go, what are you doing? I said, I think I'm going to do something with Paul Heyman. Just, you know, pump everyone up for WrestleMania. I was like, cool. And so I was like, yeah. He was not supposed to fight. He was not on any card to fight. He should not have wrestled at all. And so when they did that and they started, I started looking around like, what am I supposed to do? And they're like, yeah, get over here, fat boy. Take your shirt off, fatty. And I'm like...

And then I'm like, okay. And I thought, I swear to God, Tom, I'm not joking at all. I thought I'll go over there and I'll like talk shit and then security will pull me away. And I got over there and the guy had got out of the ring. Yeah.

And I was like, hold on. Am I going to fight this guy? I'm like, I know this is sports entertainment, but now I'm looking at a guy who just got out of the ring and is charging me. So I took my belt and started whapping it. Because I want him to know I don't know what I'm doing, and I will hurt you to make sure I stay safe. I will hit you with my belt to make sure I stay safe. Oh, that's so fucking funny, man. I wish you would have hit him with your belt.

And he'd be like, what the fuck are you doing? It was so... It was such an insane experience. But the craziest part is when CM Punk looks at me and goes, chokeslam him. And I go, huh? Yeah.

I've never done a choke slam in my fucking life. Yeah, it looked good. Because he saw, I think CM Punk had seen my special. And I had a joke in my first bit about throwing my wife's, my wife's got like an inbred special needs kid in her family. Yeah. And it's in the special. Thanks for watching. But I choke slammed him into the water. He goes, do me WWE style. And I was like, what? He goes, do me WWE style. Come on. My dad does it. So I choke slammed him into the lake. So CM Punk thought he must know how to choke slam people. Yeah.

Dude, chokeslamming a man is the funnest thing. I will do that any fight I ever get in. I'm chokeslamming people. That is the greatest fucking move in the world. Dude, you just reminded me when you were like, I don't know what's going to happen. When I went to, in fifth grade, I went to, I think it was Chris Dolman's football camp.

outside of Minneapolis. I was living in the suburbs of Minneapolis. And it was all NFL players. And they put us in these different, I'm 10 years old. I'm 10. You're with other 10-year-olds and then over there are the 12-year-olds, over there are the 16. You know what I mean? You're spread out. And one of the offensive tackles for, I guess maybe for the Vikings at the time, because there was all different players there, was like, all right, here's what we're going to do.

he's six seven and he's about 320 pounds I mean he's an actual giant massive 1010 he goes all right he takes one of those pads where you put your you know your hand through it he gives it to me he's like hold this he's like here's what we're gonna do and he's on the other side of the pad and I look and my hands going like this I was like oh my god

this grown man is going to, I think he's going to kill me right now. He starts describing like, you get up under it. And I was like, oh my God. And then right as he made an impact, he just like touched it. And I was like, oh, I don't know if anyone saw my hand shaking like this.

Were you in full pads? No, you're just in like t-shirt and shorts. I was like, because I thought with the pad, he's like, I'm just going to fucking lay into this kid. I'd never been, that was what I, it's so, it's so vivid in my memory because I was so fucking scared that he was going to just unload on me and I would have to fucking...

a little arm pad in front of me. And then he was like, all right, so now you guys do it. And I was like, oh, fuck. Like, I think I had tears. I think I probably cried as we started the drill, like out of relief. It was so scary when you go, I don't know what's about to happen. That's the whole thing. Because I woke up the next morning and I was like, I felt so good.

And I texted Cody and I texted CM Punk. Yeah. I was like, yo, I think I'm, I got bit by the bug. Yeah. April is financial literacy month. That's right. They made a whole month reminding you to finally take control of your money. Good news is you don't need 30 days. Acorns makes it easy to start saving and investing for your future in just five minutes.

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Bye.

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They love it. They love it. Yeah, but I really think me and you could take those two dudes in a Monday Night Raw. Fuck yeah, man. Of course we could. What are they, Australian? Yeah. They're Day Down Under. What are they? Lovely Day Down Under? What is the name of the wrestling? Lovely Day Down Under? No. Is that a boy band? I've been texting them with... No, they're A-Town Down Under. Oh. It's Grayson and Austin, and they can get this smoke. Yeah. That's all I'll say.

I mean, they've already gotten a taste of the B-man. You bring in the two of us, two bears versus a town down under...

Two bears? Dude, we would fucking crush, Tom. What we'll do is we'll get a really good wrestler in our corner. Yeah. A really, really good one to be our coach. Somebody under 50? Yeah, someone under 50. Yeah. Get Cody. We'll get fucking Cody or get fucking CM Punk or get both of them in our corner just to kind of like...

Yeah. Tell us what to do. Yeah. Like they'll kind of like shepherd us through it. Yeah. I'd fucking chokeslam a dude, dude. I can do that. I can do that move. That moves in my pocket. I mean, that's exciting, dude. That would be super fun. Super fun. We might need to learn how to do some stuff first. Yeah, probably a good idea. Or just go in. I think the name of our team should be called Dumb Luck.

And we just go in with no fucking training. A-Town Down Under. The team's name is a reference to both wrestlers originating from countries with a name starting with an A. Wow. That's pretty deep. America for Theory in a Well. You guys really went to the well for that one. That's creative, man. Can I tell you what? Can I tell you what's really scary? Yeah. Is the next morning I followed them on Instagram. Yeah.

They didn't follow me back. Yeah, I just followed them like I just followed them so I was like and I think I sent a message Hey guys, that was really fun last night. No reply. Yeah, no reply. Yeah, dude I it I this fucking the wrestling scene is so cool to me because I really honestly don't know how these people don't get hurt there was a fucking match with with a New day, I think it's called and then and then up against these two Vikings and they did this fucking move and

Yeah, and The New Day? Yeah. Once again, those guys fucking lit me up. Those guys did? Fucking come out like Spider-Man in the multiverse, and they're like, hey, fat boy. They got my face. I was like, I thought I said hi to you backstage. There aren't any other black guys here. Why the fuck are you guys, why is everyone being a dick to me?

And then, like, the one guy I meet that's cool, Otis, doesn't even say hi to me after the show. No? Like, everyone just kind of was like, yeah. I was like, Otis. He was like, mm-hmm. Otis was fucking good. Dude, man, these guys move around so fucking fast. They're athletes, I know. When you see the crazy one. He's big as fuck, this dude. What's Steiner's son's name? I met him, and I'm sorry I'm not remembering any names. I saw him standing next to you, this guy. Dude, yeah. Brock Steiner.

And Brock. Go to Brock. Go to Brock. See if it's Brock. Dude, he fucking tackled a guy so hard. I don't know. No, that's not him. No. The other one? He's a wrestler. I'm fucking sorry. I'm so bad with names. I met so many people that night. But this guy fucking tackled a dude so hard that I was like, that's real. That's real. He was coming, Tom, at a full clip. Was it this dude? I think so. And he was so jacked. He's so fucking ripped.

And so fucking big. He comes running to the ring in just jeans and tackles a dude, diving tackle. And I'm like, that would break ribs. Then they get this one guy up against the chair, up against the wall. And they come and they just fucking slam their body into his face. And I'm like, these have to hurt. Yeah, of course. These guys get really fucked up. I lifted that guy at least fucking seven feet in the air and threw him onto his back. I don't know how the fuck he got out of the ring.

That's like, it looks, when you see it in person, I want to go, I want me and you to go with your boys. And I want them to see, their minds are going to be fucking blown. They would love to be in the arena. Because they're both really into combat sports right now. Like they both do jujitsu and they both are like, we want to box. And they're trying to, they're just like, sign us up for boxing. We want to box. Do you know what's going to happen? When your boys see their dad and Uncle Fatstick's

In the fucking ring. Yeah, they'll go crazy. They're going to be like, you're gods. I got to get them into it first. They should watch one next week or this week, whatever. WrestleMania is going to be fucking crazy. It's in two weeks. I wonder if they'll take to it. It's so funny, though. You just discover, I don't know. I mean, it's different for you, I guess, because you had girls. It's like some of the things you think, like they liked watching this. We watched Fight Pass. We watched a jiu-jitsu tournament.

Because they go to that class, right? Like, I wonder if they'll respond to it. Maybe they will. Well, I mean, first of all, live, live, there are times, I mean, if you looked at the playback, because I was sitting behind Pat, and so like I was in their two shot, I was in the middle of them. Yeah. So many times, people just screen grab pictures of me just like this.

You see them do these things that are so athletic and look so fucking painful. And you see them get up. There was this girl, Ayo. Is that her name? Ayo? This is the craziest thing I saw. Yeah, Ayo WWE. Ayo Sky.

Io Sky. Dude, they bring in the three fucking female contenders for the heavyweight belt. And I think they're going to make them all three fight at the same time. It's a black chick. It's a fucking like a chick from Brooklyn. And then this Ayo, Eyo, whatever. They...

I don't know. I'm bad at fucking names. I feel bad because I met all these people and I'm not saying their names right. And so, Tom? Yeah? The fucking two chicks are face to face and they're talking and this EOS guy's like, fuck this. Grabs her belt, starts to walk out. And we're watching two people talk like this and all of a sudden I see this fucking...

rising sun Asian person flying up in the sky. She kicks the black chick in the back of the head, the back of the front of her head, head butts, the other white chick, and they both go to the ground. I don't give a fuck what anyone says. You kick someone in the back of the head. It fucking hurts. You head butt another person. It hurts. I was so blown when that, and that's early in the night when that happened, I was like, holy shit, I'm fucking in.

I am in. You got me excited to check it out, dude. I'm telling you. I'm going to talk to Ross. You know what? Tom, it'll be so fun. It'll be so fun. Find out where WWE Raw is when Tom's special airs. Will you find out where it is? By the way, have you seen? The picture is worse. I got a new fat picture to put up at my gym. Yeah. I'm going to text you guys a picture. It's the worst picture of me. Oh, definitely send it. What's this right here? Is this just a video? This is Peter's angle of the whole thing. Oh, listen to Peter.

Look at you taking your belt off. I don't even know what's going on around me. It's hilarious. I don't even know what's going on around me. I love that I can sense your nerves. Yeah. I'm like trying to get away from a dog. Yeah, get away from me. Look how quick I ran to him. I give him a little fucking bam. Look at Leanne. This is not my best look. I had a hard time getting in the ring. Yeah.

My pants were falling down. I saw a little crack. He's just, you know, that's when CM Punk goes, you think you can chokeslam him? That's amazing. Now I got it. I'm like, give me another one. Come on. Leanne goes, he, the second guy you really hurt. And I was like, for real? Dude. Tom, that's going to be us. Find out where Raw is on the month. May 12th in Louisville. It's Louisville. Louisville. It's Louisville. Know your cities. Does it say who's wrestling?

Um, let me look it's WWE bra though. Yeah, that's it Louisville pretty cool, man Dude, can I talk to you about a weird thing that is happening in my life? And I'm wondering if if you're adjacent to this, okay, so I was doing an interview with Kyle Busch and his NASCAR driver Yes, and his lovely wife casually mentioned that

that her parents are in a retirement community. Yeah. And I said, really, how old are they? She said, 55. 55? And fucking... Wait a minute. What? How old is Kyle Busch? No, they're both young. I mean, Kyle Busch is like 35, 37. She's probably like 29, 30.

Okay. Yeah. I've never heard of a retirement... Community for 55-year-olds? No. So that's the really popular ones now. There's like all these places in Florida where you can go into a retirement community. And these retirement communities, they sound pretty awesome, but now Leanne's obsessed. With? She wants to start a retirement community. Start one? She wants to make her own. She wants to buy. There's a...

School in Bristol, Connecticut for sale for $500,000 Tennessee Bristol, Tennessee. Have you seen it? Yeah, you have right? Yeah, she wants to buy it and she wants to start a retirement community There's a stage she goes we'll have bands. We'll have it. She's like it'll be just be fun. Just be parties We're always get fucked up She was like it'll be like a fraternity house, but you'll have other people living I know I know but I'm thinking what if that's the move? What if I what if I what if I start a retirement community and

Right? Yeah. Just like-minded people. I mean, it seems like, honestly, like a natural fit for you. I'm kind of starting to get into the idea of a retirement community. Yeah, I totally see that working for you. I can't understand why my parents never did it. Why they didn't join one? Yeah. I mean, maybe they just don't like the idea of community. Could you see you in a retirement community? Absolutely not. Why not? The same reason your parents didn't join one. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

Wouldn't it be awesome if you got a little pharmacy there where you got a rock dock on there? Yeah, that's pretty cool. You got IVs. That's cool. So you can get IVs. You can get like, you got pickleball courts, tennis courts, basketball courts. You got a fucking pool with like a beach, and then you got a bar right in the center of it. It's so Burt, though. It's definitely you. I would love it if your day was just, and then here's the other thing, right? Yeah. So like- 55 and up? 55 and up. Girls start at 40. Yeah.

Okay guys have to be 55 Okay, only 40 year old dudes in there. Yeah, and I

And yeah, you buy in, get like, I want to find like an old, like I want to find a place and buy it and then build it out to my liking. But you get like IVs, you get like a rock doc, right? So like you get a doctor, but he's a little, you know, on the. Yeah. So you have a community of people with. A community of people where you got activities planned every night, every night, like Taco Tuesday and everyone gets excited for Taco Tuesday. But here's the cool thing. So like, you know.

I think one of the things in our country that is unspoken but is a real problem in our country is our silent caste system where people hate rich people, but people all want to be rich, right? Yeah, that's totally true. It's kind of a bizarre...

Set of circumstances considering in India. They just have a great up days have a caste system and they go Yeah, yeah, you're poor and you'll always be poor and you can never be rich. That's you are and accept it accept it Well, what's cool about a retirement community is you kind of go full communism You kind of do because everyone gets their own house. No one's houses are better than anyone else's kind of the same It's like it's like have you ever seen the place that all the rock stars live in, Tennessee?

Someone tell me the name. Someone knows the name. I wish someone on my team was here. It's this great, great, great fucking community. Of rock stars? It's country music stars and Bargatze's gonna move there. Is it Music Row? No, no, no, no. It's, I forget the name of it, but it's a golf community. Oh, yeah, yeah, I know. And there's no rules for the golf course. You can play shirtless, shoeless. You can do whatever you want. Beers are everywhere. They've got a place for your store bus. They've got all these places. When you buy a lot,

You get three houses you can pick from. So everyone's kind of got the same houses. So no one... There's no Keeping Up with the Joneses. No. No, it's not Old Hickory. It's... I forget the name of it. It's the one that Nate is moving to. And Nate's trying to get me to buy one there. And I think we're trying... All the ones right now, we're trying to get out further in the woods. But...

It's not, it's not old hickory, but it's so cool because these guys like Morgan Whalen lives there. And like, I think Ernest lives there all the fucking, but because you're only can have one of three houses, then they build the house for you. The community builds a house. You, you,

No one really is big-dicking anyone. Everyone's on the same level. And not everyone is on the same level. I mean, people like Morgan Whalen are fucking making crazy money. And Nate's making crazy money too. But everyone has the same house. I think that's the cool thing about a retirement community is everyone gets the same house. So then ultimately, or a version of the same house, it's like track housing in the 50s or in the 40s that they did for my grandfather. Everyone in Levittown got one of three houses.

And then you would go to the neighbor's house. It was the same as your dad, as your grandmother, my grandmother's house. Yeah. But that would be the cool thing about it. And partying. You don't have to live there, Tom. Just have like a little timeshare. Timeshare. Okay. Okay. I mean, build it, dude. I think I might. I think it's exciting. I kind of want to retire out of the country. Okay. Okay. This is a great fucking game. Okay. Today I said, Leanne can't hear me. Can she? I think she can. Nevermind. Okay. Okay.

Okay, I'll say it. And then Leanne can say hers. Just whisper it. She won't hear it. Today I was on my treadmill. I was doing my jog and I decided to jog in Stockholm, Sweden. And...

And I just realized that I never got the opportunity to live in Stockholm, Sweden. Yeah. Like to like ride a bike everywhere and have my pants tight and have this like tall blonde girlfriend who goes, hey, would you like to meet for a beer after work? And I go, yeah. And then I'd ride my bike up and she'd go, oh, it's so lovely to see you. And then we'd have a couple beers and then we'd ride our bikes home and we'd eat like a little bowl of rice or whatever like Stockholm people do and just go to bed with a little hot milk. Okay.

I was like, I never got to live that life. I never got to live. I never married a French chick who was like smoking cigarettes in the morning off the balcony with no bra on. She's like these fuck poetry, you know, or whatever, like all those chicks around the world. So now I was like curious what chick in what scenario in what country do you look and go, fuck, I'll never get one of those. Oh yeah. I mean, basically all of them. I mean, they're all gone, but name the name one that you go.

I mean, the French one's pretty exciting. Oh, look at her. Look at her. Look at her. Look at her. She's right there. Look at her. The one in the fucking corner. Dude, I was just explaining that type in Stockholm woman. See if I maybe look. Oh, yeah. And then she goes, oh, it's so good to see you. My mama and a papa are coming by later. Maybe we get a little bit of beer now. Not too much. And then my mama and daddy and papa would like to go have one with you.

- Is she special needs? - Yeah. All right, let's go, okay, what's-- - The Italian version, I mean, that would be cool. - Type in a hot Italian woman. - Italian chick on a Vespa who's just like, "I'll drive." And you're like, "Okay." - Hey Tommy, that's the man my mama and papa made of bread when I was a little girl. - There she is, she's right there. - Look at her, look at her. - She's hot, dude. Japanese? - Dude, I got a geisha one night. - Yeah. - That was the greatest night of my life. - That's fucking cool.

I'll tell you what. Yeah. No, type in hot geisha. Serving you? She served me all night. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. She sat in my room while I slept. She sat while you slept? She sat in my room while I slept. I had, dude, one of the greatest nights of my life. What is a geisha night? Kyoto, Japan. Yeah. We go to, we get a geisha. She sits with me through,

Dinner she was you know we're doing trip flip so she sits with me, but she's my geisha. She sits with me She laughs at everything. I say shouldn't speak English. She's laughing at everything Right I tell her you know hey, can I get another beer? She goes his beer. I was telling her about sake bomb. She didn't on sake bombs was like how the fuck is that possible? I'm doing sake bombs, and then she's there time for me to go to bed So she takes me to my room. She makes my bed undoes my bed and

She gets all my clothes out. I tell her, I have explained to her I have a flight in the morning, that I have a flight early, and I have to shower, but there's no shower. And she says, you know, whatever, don't worry, don't worry. I'll bathe you with my hands. She sits in the corner of my room while I slept. I don't think I passed out, but I don't know if I... I woke up, and she was sitting in the corner of my room, and she saw me wake up, and she got out. She drew a bath. It was snowing.

It was fucking snowing. I got a picture of this. I took a picture. I wanted to take a picture of me, her, in the bath, but I was naked. So I was like, she drew a bath. It's snowing outside, Tom. And then she brought me a fucking Sapporo in the bath.

It's snowing outside. It's still dark. My geisha hasn't slept all night long. I fucking power napped. I'm in a bath. It's snowing. Tom, it's one of the most beautiful fucking mornings of my life. Yeah. Look at this picture of this. Japan. What was her tits itch like? She wasn't that attractive, to be honest with you. I was in Osaka. No, I was in Kyoto. Look at this, Tom. This was my bath. It was my bath in the snow.

This is me trying to take a picture of me and my geisha. Yeah, that's not so good. I bet I have a picture. That's me. She dressed me to go on the airplane. Nice. That's how you flew? That's the clothes she laid out. I was like, I can't have it. Where are the rest of my clothes? Oh, you know another girlfriend? Who? Like the racist southern, you know. It's not all it's cracked up to be.

No, it is a good girlfriend is the redneck. Redneck girlfriends, I've had one. I have one. I'm married to one. Yeah, right. And they're fucking. She's just dropping slurs all the time. I wish Leanne was a little more racist. Yeah, that'd be cool. She said something the other day. She said something in the car the other day, and I'd never heard her say it. She goes, oh, we said that all my life growing up. Oh, good goody. Someone tell Leanne to text me what she said. Good goody? It was so stupid, Tom, and I was like.

You know, here's the cool thing about this redneck chick. I'm going to blow up redneck chicks for a second. Surfer girlfriend? You ever have that? No. That's a pretty good one. That would be a surfer girlfriend. Okay, what about a hiking Colorado girlfriend? Oh, yeah, that's another one. Surfer girl's cool. Surfer girls. Surfer girl would be badass. Yeah. How about the New York chick? How New York? I don't know. I can't do, like, Long Island accents. No, that's rough. Yeah. It's okay. Like that Philly accent.

It's on. It's all my cousins. Yeah, you want me to suck your cock? Yeah, I went out with a girl from Boston once who had a heavy Boston accent, and I would go limp as she spoke. She was, yeah. Wait, type in, I just want to see if it has hot Boston girl disgusting accent. Best box I have. Okay, let's see this best. Can we hear it? Oh my God, lady.

All right, real quick. Don't even think about it. TD Garden. TD Garden. Muffla. Muffla. Fenway Park. Fenway Park. Car. Carter. That's my favorite. That's a fucking intense accent. Yeah. I bet it grows on you. I bet it grows on you. We just didn't grow up around it. No. I don't know if it grows on you. I think it does. Ah, come on. Pachypeca.

Come on, let me see that cock. Let me see that cock.

It's like you're having sex with Bobby Kelly. Yes. Rough, dude. Hey, dude. Dude, let me suck your cock. Come on, let me see your little pecker. Hey, put a little pecker on. You like that? No, I don't know if I could. Pittsburgh's a rough one. Pittsburgh? Pittsburgh accent. Yinz. Yinz downtown. That's an intense. But I think here's the deal. I think, okay, so obviously French accent. French accent. Italian accent. What about like a sophisticated Brit? That's kind of hot. Because you...

You know that like she's gonna be super proper all the time, but then just like a total fucking whore in bed. Dude, that's the whole thought behind Brazzers. Really? Brazzers is all British chicks and you hear like a British chick. Dude, the British, the posh British accent. Yeah. Type in posh British chick gets fucked. I want to hear what they sound like when they have sex. Hold on, mate. Okay, so...

Okay. We got to hear her talk, though. Yeah. There she is. She's talking a little bit. Let's hear her. Do you like Deep Throat, baby? Okay. This might just be a cool trailer. I think it is a cool trailer. How do we get the... That's not even a real dick. That's a real dick. That is a real dick. Wait. Come on. I need her to say something, like, get me a cup of tea. Okay. All right. I feel bad that there's girls working in there that are all watching this. Yeah. There you go. Oh, well, this is a little creepy.

The fucking audio sucks on these. What is this, from '93? There you go. I like when they're too dumb to read. It's like, you can't fucking read. By the way, I can't have them dressed up like children. Clearly a girl's running this page. Talking? Never mind, guys. Whoa! This shouldn't take us too long at all. We'll just make it a nice little Saturday afternoon.

Get to the action, guys. Okay. We'll back it up a little bit. I want to see how that happened. Did she start a failure test right there? Cool. Just watching porn with my bro today. All right. Just hanging out, watching porn with my buddy. He's rock hard. This guy doesn't look like an actor. Yeah. All right. You can get this off. Okay. So, like, let's rank them. Top five hottest chick accents.

Mean I think French mm-hmm Italian Italian Spanish Greek British Jesus American doesn't even hold no you got so many different accents in here. No plus American bitches They're all fucking they got too many ideas. You know you almost want a stereotypical submissive like Italian like hey, that's okay You can have a lady to have a sex with also on the side just like the guy that made the car Ferrari. Oh

Sofia Vergara, fucking best accent. Colombian. She's from Colombia. Jesus Christ. The Spanish accent is so fucking hot. Sexiest accents around the world. Number one is British. Okay, number two, French. Number three, Italian. We're hitting this out of the park. Number four, Australian. Aussie accent. Now that's not cock. Five, Spanish. Yeah, there we go. That's good. Irish. Irish.

Hmm. Hmm. Put it in me stinker. Hey, put it in me stinker, would ya? Scottish. I want my fucking in the ass. How can you rub my clit? Okay. American Southern, Leanne, there you are, your number eight. Ooh, the Portuguese are sexy as hell. Fuck yeah. I met some, oh, I love the South African accent. South African accents are fucking. It's super sexy. Best fucking hottest South African chick, the girl from fucking, uh, Die Antwoord.

Oh, she is so beautiful. That accent is sexy as hell. She is. Put in Yolandi Fossar. Just get her to talk. Yeah. Get her talking. Yeah. When she talks. Okay. It's hot. Oh, dude, her accent is so fucking hot. Go back to a part where she has a microphone in her hand. I think he just holds it the whole time. He does a lot of the talking. Okay. Here we go. Drop the motherfucking beatbox, dog. I promise.

There you go. Blue guy over there is God. It's quite cute. It's unexpected. Yeah, it's unexpected. And I also got the Satan weed smoking evil t-shirt. Just warn children about weed. It can make you sick. Yeah, sure. She's got such a hot accent. Okay. You ready? Yeah. Top five dude accents. Number one's going to be American. That's the number one? Hottest male accents. Number one's American. I guarantee you. Why? Listen to us.

We speak flawless. We don't sound silly. We sound normal. We sound hottest male accents. Hang on, wait. It's the same exact list. Wait, American Southern is attractive as opposed to just American regular? I have zero accent.

You? I have zero accent. I have zero. You're saying it so confidently that I believe you're wrong. No. I have no accent. You have a neutral accent. I'm a neutral accent. Do I sound like I'm from Boston? No. Do I sound like I'm from Philly? No. Do I sound like I'm from Georgia? No.

No, but you have a hint of something. I got a hint of just American. Just good, perfect American. Good, perfect American. This is, if you said, give me a bland, give me a baseline American accent, it's what I sound like. You think so? So do you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Sure. So all the dudes in this thing. But if you talk to Ron White, he has an accent. Oh, for sure. Okay? Joe. Joe had... I don't know. Did Joe have an accent? He had a stronger one 20 years ago. Yeah. It's faded away. I was with a dude...

This is so wild. I can't remember his name. He's got a new series called The Devil May Cry on... Type it in. He went to WWE with me. Devil May Cry. This was wild. I think his name is... I think his name is Ade? Eadie? The creator? The guy who created it?

No fucking shit fuck. It looks like they're all Japanese. No, no, no, no, no. He's the guy that directed the Netflix series. I apologize. I'm so sorry I can't remember. Director. Director. Okay. Director. Okay. That's it. Okay. Adi Shankar. Okay. I had... I apologize. I'm going to overshare a little bit. Adi. That's a crazy eyeliner he's got on. Well, he's into like...

Anime yeah gosh shit like he's like he's first of all he's wildly talented Yeah, Devil May Cry is pretty fucking awesome, and I'm not even an anime and I'm seven episodes in okay And but this is what's so insane once again. I apologize if I'm not meaning just trying to tell the story right okay He's talking to us. He's like yeah. It's so nice to meet you man. It's really he's like It was so fun sitting next to you. I never drank I drank with you guys. I had such a good time and

And then we're talking and I said, you know, you fucking, where are you from? And he's like, I'm born in India. I grew up in Singapore. I came here, you know, like five years ago or seven years ago. And I was like, really? You have no accent. And he goes, oh, this isn't my real accent.

I said, "What?" And he goes, "I do this just to blend in. It's easier." I said, "Really?" He goes, and then he does, "This is how I talk." - Like that? - No, I'm not good at accents, but like a full-blown Indian accent. He goes, "This is how I think." In an Indian accent, "This is how I think, this is how I talk." But it's just easier to assimilate just to talk like this to you. - Yeah. - So I talk like this.

And I was like, that's fucking wild. Well, so many people from around the world can do the American accent because they have so much exposure to it around the clock for like their entire lives. So it'd be like if we put on, if we put on TV and there was like always an Indian show on.

Like always from the time you were born and you flip the channel and it's like 10 other and there's fucking 20 movies that you would, and it was all, you would just be like, be able to switch it on so fast. Yeah. But that's why they can do the American accent so well is because they consume so much American entertainment. Dude, that guy was fucking fascinating. He was talking, I'm going to, I guess maybe you're not supposed to share everything that people talk to you about when you're drunk. Yeah. So maybe I shouldn't share everything, but he was talking about, he was talking about arranged marriages. Mm hmm.

Pretty crazy. Bro, they bring you smoke shows. Sometimes. They bring you smoke shows. Yeah. And by the way, his wife is beautiful. He married his wife. He was like, I'm not getting an arranged marriage. Fell in love with his wife. Married his wife. We had drinks with him. This was after WWE? We all went to the bar at the Four Seasons and had drinks. And he showed me a picture of one of his arranged marriages. And I was like, oh, oh.

And like, and they're, the range marriages, like, they're doing it with the millionaires. Didn't you ever watch that Netflix show about a range, Indian marriages? No. It's so fucking good. Dude, I would like to be an Indian range marriager. This show is great. It's really good. And you, and you meet like people that are Indian matchmaking. Yeah. What is this? It's on Netflix. It's so good. Really? And she's the matchmaker. And you have like-

People that are just like she's pairing them together So you're watching them and then they switched a couple that's been together 40 years and they're like yeah We it works it works a lot of times Do you what do you think if they had arranged a marriage between you and push didn't know her mm-hmm? They just walked you into a room sat you in a bed put a lay on your neck Yeah, put a lay on her neck and set you next to each other. No. This is your wife. Yeah what first impressions and

What would you have said? I would have liked it. Yeah. Yeah, I liked her so much. What do you think Push would have said? I don't know about this fucking guy. Which is exactly what happened. Pretty much. Same here. I was like, I really like her. And she was like, uh. Leanne walked in and walked right out. She was like, nah. Yeah. Nah. No, Christina would have been like, forever, this fucking guy? Forever? Yeah, and I'd be like, cool, cool. Yeah. Is she coming to the gay bar tonight? No. Why not? I don't know. With the boys? Yeah.

Should I bring the boys out? Yeah, can't they watch themselves? They would love a bear bar. Can they watch themselves yet? No. How old are they? Six and nine. Oh, at nine, I was walking to the store by myself. Yeah, I don't think you know these guys that well. You don't want them alone. Yeah, it's going to be so fucking fun, man. It's going to be a blast. I wonder if we'll see some wild, just when you turn your head and you're like, oh, that guy's blowing that guy over there. Oh, I hope so. I hope if we just get the word out,

If they could just, you know how like when you go bungee jumping, the guys fuck with you a little bit? And they're like, yeah, we haven't lost anyone in like a month. And you're like, what? And they kind of like turn it on a little bit. I hope they do that to us a little bit. They're like, yeah, if you guys weren't here, we'd all be fucking and sucking. Yeah, cool. Let's see it. Hey, did you guys chat at the glory hole back there? No. I'd be like, no. Are you serious? Glory hole I could deal with. Would you do a glory hole? No. No.

Milking table yes glory to old now wait. What's that? Why milking table? I think is you're so relaxed I think why the idea of standing and getting a blowjob Yeah, kind of drives me nuts like my knees would be shaking and maybe the hulls not high enough And I got a squat the whole time you're so pressed up again Yeah, and you're like this but a milking table you just lay on you get to pick your your angle. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, why would you pick guy milking table? Why put girl?

There you go. I could definitely do that. He's got a piece on him. I could definitely, definitely, definitely do that. I think that'd be awesome. It'd really trick you though, right? No. She'd walk you into the room. She'd be like, lay here. And then she'd be like, now I'm going to go down there and take care of business. And then some guy named Fred would just walk in and suck you off. And then at that very end, you'd be like, wait a minute, who did it? And then Fred would go. As you're getting a blowjob, she comes up. She goes, you want me to rub your back? Who's sucking my dick? Yeah.

Would it matter? I mean, you'd still come. I don't know. All right, what have I told you? Yeah. We've got a milking table. I would love to try a milking table. It's probably a girl. It's probably a girl. But it's the best blowjob you're going to have in your life if you'd like to try it. And so you try it, and it's the greatest blowjob. See, that looks awesome. That looks fucking great. Look at him. He's on his phone. Yeah. He's playing a game. See, I don't think Leanne would be into a milking table. What's this one right here? Drink?

Up, down, left, there. Which, oh yeah, she's about to shoot it all over herself. - That's crazy. I felt like-- - I like that she prioritized her comfort too. She's got like an ergonomic chair down there. She's not like, I'm just gonna like lay under this. She's like, prop me up. - Oh, I bet that blow job is so hard to give. - Yeah.

It's like drinking a milkshake upside down. And your head keeps hitting the bottom of the table. Yeah, I bet a glory hole is better for... A glory hole works easier for the person on the receiving side of the glory hole. Do you think she would do the milking table or no? Leanne? Yeah. No, I think that she would... Leanne's got this weird thing about it being even.

Like, I don't think, like, there's no, Leanne has no taste for dominance or, like, subservience. Like, I don't, I'm being dead serious. I'm being dead serious, and I would be curious if she would answer this, if she's hearing this. Leanne is not the kind of chick that will give you a blowjob on her knees. Like, that's like, no. The fuck, what am I, your servant? No. Fucking, it's not enjoyable for me. What are you, are you going to stand dominantly over me? That's like Leanne's energy. Yeah. So she doesn't, she's, and I mean, quite honestly, she kind of wears the pants on our family.

So like, I don't think a milking table, she wouldn't be like, yeah, why don't I get the bottom of the table and suck your cock while you rest in a fucking massage chair. It just doesn't seem like Leanne. Yeah. Now that you say it like that, I don't know how Christina would respond either. I don't think she would. I'll just buy one and just put it in the, like I bought her, I bought her. Leanne, if you don't like me saying this, I can take this out.

So we got it we got our sex has been pretty fucking insane lately. That's great And one of the things I had this dream I had this dream one night that Leanne was in a nurse's outfit Yeah, and it was a white latex nurse's outfit and she came up to me and she goes hey I just need to take a sample real quick and she put her hand on my pants and it was like the hottest dream I ever woke up like crazy so I went and I tried to buy a nurse's outfit and

And I got kind of one, but it wasn't what I was looking for, but I got it. It's more like a Halloween costume. It was like a sexy one. And one night, I think we were both a little buzzed, and she was like, I was like, yeah, I put it out on the bed, just laid it on the bed. And Leanne's like, ah, fuck it, I'll try it. And bro...

It was crazy. It was like maybe I'm saying I sometimes will tell the end just so you know that's going in my memory bank that moment I've got like three things are in my memory bank five things. Yeah, that's one of them So then I go yo, I need to get a latex nurses outfit So I type in latex and this thing comes up and it's like fucking hot. It's hot I mean, it's so type in on Amazon red latex outfit

And this is outfit. What? No, it's not a nurse's outfit, but it's, I got it off Amazon and I was like, holy shit, this is so sexy. I show it to Leanna. She goes, absolutely not. It's, it's, it's, it's more like go down. It's a, it's almost full bodied. So it's like, it's, it's, it's feet, wrists to ankles. That's it. That's it. That's it. You saw, that's it. That's it.

And Leanne saw it, she goes, absolutely not. Why? Dude, it's rubber. Like, you need to lube yourself up to get into it. And she was like, this might be a little bit much for me. Oh, okay. But that's Leanne's energy. It's $38. That's not bad. I might have gotten the more expensive one because I bought two, and I think they were custom made. Yeah. And so they just sit in our... But the best is, Isla comes home. She was like, yo, mom, what's up with the nurse's costume? Yeah.

Leanne's like, you shouldn't be going through drawers. Ali goes, uh. Wait, wait, wait. Before we go, before we go, I want to talk about MSG. MSG was the absolute best. You said something to me a long time ago that I have kept in my head. I mean, I'd like to do MSG. It's not my bucket list thing. Yeah. I think I've done my bucket list things, like the Gorge, Red Rocks. Those are my speed. I like the outdoor stuff.

But you said something one time, cause I remember we were, we were talking to a friend and he asked us to do MSG with him. And you said to the friend, this should be your play. You should do MSG by yourself.

And you said to me, I would like to do MSG by myself. Like, no offense. I just... If I do MSG, I want it to be my night. Yeah. And I fucking registered so heavily that as I was looking at the videos... I forgot that. I looked at the videos. I was like, dude, this is a big night for him. Yeah, it was awesome. Is it...

out of all the shows you've done, you've done big venues. Yeah. Is MSG, does it feel different than say United Center or the Forum? I think so. Well, here's the thing, because I was trying to figure out why. I was like, I go, man, that was, it was really crazy. And you know, when you go, I've always felt like this. I don't know if you have, but when you do New York and LA, even if you have a big venue and it's packed, it's,

sometimes you're like, yeah, the crowd was kind of like... They were good, but you don't feel like, man, that crowd was great. Almost because you go, well, they know they're the primary market of the world. So there's almost like an air of like, yeah, we're here. Fucking, you better be great. Right? Like, we got a lot of options here, man. Like, that's kind of like how I feel in LA and New York sometimes. I've had great shows in both cities, but that's...

You walk out sometimes, you're like, that was like fine. Like that's how I felt when I did the forum. Yeah. The forum to me felt like they were like, they were good, but they were also kind of like, okay. So I was like, you know, I know this is sold out, it's packed and I have a crazy lineup, but I was like, I wonder how they're going to be, like how they're going to be as an audience. That was really the only thing in my mind. They were like,

Christina pointed out to me. I was like, dude, they were... Was she there? She went there, yeah. The boys come? No, she just flew up for it. But she goes... I go, what? I go, they were so... They were doing... They weren't just like energetic. It was like after every bit, they would cheer. Yeah. I was like, I feel like it was like a special taping. And she goes, I think they know it's a big deal that you're at MSG. So they're telling you like we are...

We're responding in a way that's special because we know it's special that you're at this venue. I mean, Redman was a surprise. Not for you. No, no, I'm saying... For them. I was like, you didn't know? No, no, no, I knew. But when he walked out, I introduced him. I got a special surprise. And he came out to time for some action and then did a mix mash set. I mean, it was fucking nuts. And then...

All my, the comics were, nobody knew. So like I bring up Chris DiStefano. He's doing, I got to say this, Chris DiStefano is doing Madison Square Garden September 11th this year. He has the best September 11th story I've ever heard. The best one ever. So keep going. So no, he had an incredible set. Then he brings up Diaz.

it's just insane. I mean, it's insane. He's wearing sweatpants and he's got a bandaid on his ear. We're like, like you're walking to the gate at an airport and he's, uh, he just, and we're like, what do you like? I, Chris asked him, he's like, Oh, you have like a set list. He's like, I don't know what I'm going to do. Like five minutes before. Um, he just wings it. Uh,

And then, yeah, I came out and it was like, it felt like, you know, when you type a special, you tape one and it's like they're amped up more than normal. That's what the whole set felt like. So it was, yeah, it was really, really fun. That's so fucking awesome. Yeah, it was very, very fun. And now how much more touring are you doing? So I tour through the spring. You just added fall dates. Right, but I have the summer off, completely off. Oh, I'm taking the summer off. I'm going back. I go, when do you start? I start back up August 28th.

So I only have one gig in June. It just happens to be there, but I have basically June off, July off. We're nowhere near each other on these tour dates. I start September 18th as well. And then I go into December and then I'm done. By the way, if you want to see Tom, do stand up live. This is your last opportunity. I'm being dead serious. And you know that I'm kind of accurate. You will not tour live.

easily for another two years after this. Easily. And I will be shocked if you tour at all ever again. Ever again? Me? I'm going to be out there for a while. I love doing stand-up, though. I know, but you'll do it at home and you're not going to tour. I'll do it at home. I can already tell. Okay, all right. Permission to Party War tour starts for me September 18th, I think, as well. Okay. Permission to what? Permission to party. Oh, permission to party. Permission to party. I'm at Red Rocks October 1st, I think, or October 4th.

But yeah, I'm excited. I'm excited to get back on the road. I just started doing stand-up again, and it feels fucking great. I said to myself, I literally... We had this talk about ourselves doing stand-up. Yeah.

And I was like, I don't know. I just was like, I don't know. Am I going to just keep doing this? And I go, I got one more special. You know what? I'll do this stand up. We talked about this the other week. I said, I'm going to do this hour, do this tour. I'm going to record that special. And then I may be done. I actually said that.

And then I went on stage in Vegas and I went, oh fuck, I forgot how much I love this. Yeah. This is everything I am. I actually said, I actually started going through like what I could get rid of. It's curious. I'm curious to hear your answers. And I wonder if I've said this to you, what I could get rid of. Okay. Yeah. First, first thing I get rid of is acting. Yeah. I would, if you said you got to pick, we're emptying the boat. I get rid of acting first. Yeah. Then Birdcast. Yeah.

Then something's burning then two bears then stand up. That's that's my life. That's my list Yeah, what would you be would you get rid of stand up or your mom's house fuck man? I don't want to get rid of either one. No no no you got empty the boat What's the most important to you because I started thinking?

You know, I feel like I'm, especially in promoting this special, Lucky that's streaming right now on Netflix, in promoting the special, I felt very overexposed. I felt like I was everywhere and it was bothering me. Yeah. Because I don't want to be doing all that, but you have to do it. Because some guy might see all of them, but there's a guy who just watches one thing. Of course. All he watches is Good Morning Mythical Kitchen. Yeah. He doesn't, and so I felt overexposed. And I was like, man, what if I just got rid of some stuff? You can get rid of some stuff.

And I just go what if I just did stand up like Louie. I just did stand up Yeah, you know it's a big conversation happening in New York right now is a lot of comics that we respect like Colin Quinn and Louie and the older guys They're all like you guys should all get rid of your podcasts. They're like you're not journalists. You shouldn't be talking about politics Yeah, you shouldn't be talking about world events and these funny thoughts you have you should be writing them down It should be you be trying them on stage and you'd be a better comic. Yeah, I mean I don't disagree with them. Yeah, I

i mean luckily i don't save that much funny stuff on podcasts so i'm not burning too much well hopefully we don't have to empty the boat two bears one cave hat yeah oh i can get you one thanks you like it yeah i do yeah you like hats oh my god oh okay okay all right all right let's wrap it up we got to do man uh bad thoughts april 15th may 13th uh

Permission to party world tour September 18th. Tom Segura, if you want to see him live before he retires. Wait, we're on Rockford at the same fucking day. Oh, that's my schedule.

I'm on Rockford September 18th. Yeah, yeah. Milwaukee, St. Paul, Minnesota, Duluth, Eugene, Oregon. I'm doing Eugene, Oregon. That's cool. And Red Rocks. Red Rocks, your favorite. October 1st. Yeah. Salt Lake City, Idaho Falls, Nampa, Idaho. Oh, how's your new stuff? You have to have a new thing, right? New hour? Yeah. Awesome. Is it? Awesome. Dude, I did two hours the other night.

Jesus. I did two hours and I have the best joke I have. See, this is the thing that sucks about me on podcasts is like, cause I was talking to DeStefano and he's like, yeah, you can tell a joke on a podcast and then use it in your special. I go, I can't. If I did one, one time with you, one time with you, I said, I took a shit next to a dude in Japan that was so bad. The guy in the stall next to me threw up and you laughed. And then I said, and I was in Japan. I thought he was trying to talk to me and you laughed even harder. And I tried it the next week on stage and I watched a dude in this audience go.

fuck so that's why I save all my good thoughts for the stage so if you think I suck it's because I try to keep my good thoughts there are people like who go oh you've talked I've gotten messed you talked about that stuff in the podcast I'm like yeah now it's a stand-up bit yeah it's not safe I try to keep anything stand-up out of the podcast that's smart all right we gotta run I love you love you bye bye

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