In Love with Weed w/ Jake Johnson | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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What galaxy are we in? Every room I walk in this house, there's some weird 26-year-old behind a computer just going like, Editing. Editing? What? You guys all working? Yeah, we work for Bert doing this one. How's that one doing? Really big numbers. Every cabinet is full of products? What galaxy is this, man? What company sent you all those hats? 100% Cheers. Cheers.

Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim. Eh.

if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. Hey guys, brand new episode of Two Bears, One Cave, and I am with fucking talent, finally. Real talent. Tommy's not here. He's working on a movie. I don't know. Do you think, have you ever seen Tom act? No. Not a lot of people have. You know Mark Wahlberg hasn't seen him act, and he was in a movie with him. Amazing. Tom and I sold a movie. Tom and I sold a movie. Great.

He sold a movie called Fat Astronauts. Amazing. And then we both lost weight. And neither of us want to gain weight back. Not committed to the project, huh? Fuck that. Yeah. I'd rather live and see my kids get married. Oh, fuck. Oh, my God. The old world of me. Jake Johnson, everybody. Jake Johnson. Let me, can I get real quick? Because sometimes I feel like.

I feel like new fans may not recognize your face, but they go, how do I fucking know that guy? You're in one of my favorite trailers and movies I've ever seen, Let's Be Cops. That's one of my favorite. You and Damon Wayans. We're going to try to call him today on FaceTime. How fun. Because I need a black guy to answer a question for me. Great. You were in The New Girl. You made out with Doe Deschanel. I don't think our fans...

Are huge Zoey fans. I think they are on the surface, but they probably don't want to hear gossip stories about Zoey. And they probably didn't watch New Girl. You don't think so? No. Well, I think it depends how old your fan base is. The younger guys have. Guys my age haven't. My whole experience of that show was men on the street needing to tell me that they know me, but they don't like my show. And me being like, pretty cool, bro. Yeah.

Like, it was a lot of this. What's up, man? How you doing? You're that guy, huh? And I go, yeah. And they go, I don't watch your show with you and that girl and the three guys. And I go, don't care. Thanks for the announcement. But then a new generation post-pandemic when it hit Netflix, younger guys who are just more open. They're just different. They're very different. They like it. It's not even gay to suck dick anymore. It's not. I'm going to disagree. Yeah.

And I gotta say, Bert, I think most people are with me. You just tried to gaslight me and take this interview in the weirdest way. Oh, no way, Bert. So we can suck each other's dicks and we're straight? No, do you know that you can be, did you know you can get, Tom told me this. Tom lied to you to get you to suck his dick, Bert.

Dude, you're not gay. Suck my dick. Really? Tom told me. Tom can tell you anything he wants. He's wrong. Sucking a dick makes you gay. He told me that you can be a top and never be a bottom.

You can just fuck dudes in the ass and go like, I just want to fuck dudes in the ass. And then I wouldn't even consider that gay, really. You wouldn't? No. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Just for the record, if I had to pick, I would definitely want to get fucked in the ass. You would? Oh, 100%. You're so gay.

That's the gayest thing you've ever said. If I had a choice, I'm fucking. Dude, if I. A hundred percent. If I'm going to Cancun, I'm going scuba diving. I'm not just going to hang out on the beach. And that's when a guy is fucking a guy in the ass is just hanging out on the beach. Going to stay at the resort. He's not even really traveling technically. Hold on. I'm in it. I'm in cenotes. If you're going to do it. If you're going to do it. Let's have a drink. Good call. Should we go Mishner's or Porosa's? You pick. Hey.

Hey, congratulations. Hold on. We're not done with the gay shit. Congratulations. Thank you, my friend. We are going to your party tonight for your new movie called Self Reliance. Yes, sir. I watched it last night. It's fucking awesome. It's awesome. Cheers, man. Cheers. Congratulations. Thank you for coming. And this is important, especially to people listening.

This is a movie you wrote, you directed, you starred in, you got the money for, you sold. And now, and I, what is, what are you going to do with it?

Well, Hulu bought it. Hulu bought it? Yeah. I watched the screener. It's not out on Hulu yet. No, you saw a screener. So it comes out on Hulu the 12th, January 12th. Oh, fuck yes. So we're at the kind of tail end of it. It's been a whole journey. Yeah, I bet. But yeah, so we went to South by Southwest last year. Hulu bought it after. We were really excited. And I felt like it wasn't finished yet.

So I had a really weird experience because there was a few scenes. I did some reshoots and some re-edits. So you've seen the most recent cut. Yeah. But there was some stuff that was not in it before.

And I felt like it was missing because we shot it fast. It was a 17-day shoot. It was really fast. It was fast. We was really indie. It was gunning. And then when I watched it, I wanted that third act to be really dark and really heavy with no laughs at all. Okay, because you did a good job on that. But then I added some laughs. So the one you saw, some stuff was added in there to bring levity. Yeah. I had none of that.

Because my thought, and when I was sitting in the theater in Austin, first act gets good laughs. People are on board. Second act, when Anna comes, people are like, oh, it's a little bit of a love story. This is fun. It's hard not to fucking love her. She's great. She's so talented. She is. She's the reason we got greenlit. I bet. When she said, yes, we had a movie. She's so fucking. Yeah.

Yeah, she's a movie star. She is. She's got that thing, and you see it when you're on set. You're like, I'm grinding around trying to like, I'm like, if we're all in the water, I'm a guy who just learned to swim. No matter how long I come in the water, I'm like choking a little bit and be like, this is a lot of fun. This is a fucking nightmare. Get me out of here. I should be on land. And then other people come and you're like, oh, your body naturally floats.

Like you're like water does not. When I get in water, I'm sinking to the bottom. This time, everything is a grind. She's one of those movie stars where you're like, your legs aren't even kicking your fucking money in this scene. You just looked at the dialogue. There's she's you and her together.

I do not want to ruin the movie, but I do want to let people know, give them a hint, because I watched it knowing nothing, which I kind of think sometimes is the way to watch a movie. I think it's the best. I think it's like, I didn't know anything about The Karate Kid when I was a kid. Besides, you had to guess on that one. It was about a karate kid. You had to guess. You did know, you saw this shit. You go, my guess is it's about this little boy kicking some ass.

I didn't know anything about Footloose. When we were pulling up, Eric Knoppel goes, I go, so what is this movie? He goes, oh, it's these kids that live in a city where they can't dance. And I started laughing so hard. And I was like, really? And he goes, no, it's for real. They can't dance. It's awesome. And then when you watch a movie, you're like, wow. It's so fun when you see nothing about a movie. Yeah, I agree. You see it. But I just want to tease it so people...

peak their interest, your movie tickles everything in me that I love in movies. And I love a movie, I'm the perfect intelligence demographic to not know what's going on when the director doesn't want you to know what's going on. - Amazing. - Like at the Sixth Sense, I was sitting next to this black dude in dreadlocks, and me and him got it at the same time. At the same time, he grabbed me, he's like, "Oh shit, he's dead." - Oh shit, he's dead? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And then both our girls already knew the ending already, they were like,

- We knew that minute eight. - Yeah, we're waiting. We didn't get it when he backs up against the thing and looks at his stomach and sees a bud. Still we didn't get it. We're like, oh, his wound reopened. - We did Let's Be Cops. We had a screening for that in Vegas. And there was, it was like a real drunken, there was a UFC event kind of combined with a screening. So it was a real wild group. And there was a black guy sitting right behind Damon and I who just decided to narrate the movie.

And at the beginning, it was annoying. You thought like, motherfucker, like we did all this work. Shut the fuck up. It turned because I realized he's the perfect audience member. Yeah. Something would happen and he'll go like,

The little white guy's getting confident, but he shouldn't yet. And I'd be like, you're right. And I was like, oh, we made this movie for him. And then he'd go like, I'm feeling a little uncomfortable. It's getting scary. And Damon and I looked at each other midway through and we're like, this is it. Why is that not a Mystery Science 3000 where they just have black people watching movies? I would love it. That would be the fucking greatest show. I will tell you right now. I have a movie. Why don't I do it? Let's do that. Can we set that up?

I want to get two black comics I know. Amazing. I kind of want Miss Pat to be one of them who have never seen The Machine, and I want to watch it. We're going to do a Mystery Science 3000 of a commentary where you can watch along with that. That's a fucking brilliant idea. It's a great way to market a movie, too. It really is. Holy shit. It's fun. Unless they don't like it.

Because they have to be honest. So the catch has to be, they are not, because this guy in the back at times in certain moments, he'd be like, that wasn't like, come on, man, I don't buy that shit. And we'd be like, that was a soft moment. Because if the two comics are kissing ass, once you read that and they're just liking it, you need the moment where they as the audience go like, that wasn't it. Type in black people who don't like me.

How's that demo? I don't think I... I have a good crossover, but I don't like... I'm very cognizant. I shouldn't even say this out loud. I'm very cognizant I'm not trying to cross over. Like, I don't want to be in a place I'm... I don't want to be in a place I... Don't, don't, don't, don't type it! Get it out of there! Get out of there! What does it say? Black people who don't like Burt?

Really? That's a bad fucking way to Google. Anyway. That doesn't feel great. Yeah, well. But, well, then let's get into this subject. You worked with the dude from Get Out. Which one? The guy, the black dude. Daniel? Daniel. Well, we were in Spider-Verse together. Spider-Verse. Yes. Okay, here's my question. Do you, he's British, right? Yeah. Is it weird when you work with a black dude who's British and then does a white dude, a black American dude accent?

What? Okay. So that guy's British. Yes. So he's like, hello, Jake. Yes, kind of. It's good to meet you, Jake. Yeah. How are you? Yeah, exactly. This should be a fun project. Daniel? Yeah. Where am I? All right, Jake.

Real quick, I want to get ready for this, bro. Yeah. So when a black man speaks in your country, they say birthday, huh? With an F, right? And then you're like, well, hey, man. But he's black, so he can do whatever. And then you go, it's kind of borderlining on racist a little bit. So the exchange you're pitching never happened. It is the equivalent of Tom telling you sucking a dick keeps you straight forever.

It's not real life. No, no, no. Hold on. It's that fucking a dude in the ass I don't think is that gay. Really? I don't think it's that gay. So hold on. If you went off and fucked 10 guys in the ass. That's gay. Like fucking 10 guys in the ass is gay. How about 10 guys in a summer? But if you come out as gay and you go, I only fuck dudes in the ass, that's not that gay. But you're not the gayest, but it is gay, right? Or no?

I don't know. I think it's gayer to get fucked in the ass. So when I was a kid, my uncle Eddie came and lived with us because he was having legal problems. I fucking already love Eddie. Yeah, and loved him in major character. I love Eddie. Eddie was the best. Hung neon signs. I dropped out of school, hung neon signs with him. We used to have to run from the shop owners because the work was so shitty. Everything was always a hustle and a con. And he was telling me a story that he was bragging about.

And he was talking about he was once getting his dick sucked by this long-haired hippie. And then he felt whiskers hit his nuts. And he moved the person's head and realized it was a guy with long hair. And at 15, I said, so what did you do? And he said, I said, finish what you started. That story to me is not the story of like a cool straight guy getting a blowjob. That was a story to me of like...

Okay, cool. I respect you. But you knowingly got a blowjob from a man, and especially in 1994, whenever that story happened. Yeah. In 1994, that was definitely gay. And in 2023, it's definitely gay. In 2024, it's gay. It's definitely gay, too. It's gay. It's gay, too. But, you know, like, there are dudes that, like, but how about this? Okay, this is maybe what I'm trying to get at. Okay.

This is it. Oh, I want to tip. Hey, will someone get me Zenz? What's Zenz? Are you serious? Yeah. Oh, this is the greatest thing in the world. It's nicotine. Oh, nicotine. So this is what I was trying to get at. This is the brilliant thought I had. When we were kids, sucking a dude's dick was frowned upon as a dude. Now there's less of a frown. Agreed. So there's so like. If you want to suck a dick, suck a dick. Yeah. No, but even like, even like.

I've dealt with it. A lot of my daughter's dude friends are gay. And there's guys that I honestly would not, like I did not clock that. Interesting, yes. I know what you're saying. A lot. I believe that. There was a buddy of hers that just came out. You didn't see it at all. I didn't see it so much. I told him he wasn't. And he said like, I am, man. And you're like, nah. And I was like, I think it's the vaccine. Yeah.

The head of Disney is going to cancel your podcast. That guy's in the fucking hot seat. Talk about watching the fucking Capitol crumble. That poor guy. Fucking shout out to Pat McAfee for calling out the head of fucking ESPN. That fucking poor guy, he's probably got to be our age. He's got to be 52. And he just... And you know, can I tell you, I'm such a coward. There's times when that happened to me at networks and I just shut my fucking mouth. Yeah, of course. I still would, Bert.

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With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Only on Peacock. Well, it's hard because we're in a really wild era. It's the old world and the new world are coming together. But it's still, I mean, my movie's with Hulu.

That's where the movie sold. I would love to get to a spot where you can make an indie movie, sell, we were talking about this before, sell it directly to the audience and then sell to these streamers as a second run. But I don't know if we're there. Well, here's the question.

I think we're there. I think it's gotta be people like you. This is the, I was saying this to you walking up here. The missing ingredient is you. I was saying this to you walking up. It's like, even with me and my movie, I think that would have been an interesting thing to sell it to the fans. I think ultimately we did. I think that's where we got our money. Didn't you guys go crazy at Netflix? Yeah, Netflix. You know, it's, I bite my tongue sometimes, but we had an opportunity to go into theaters or just go to Netflix.

And then at the last minute, we had an opportunity to do both. But at the very beginning, I said, I wanted to be in theaters. I'd be... I didn't... Listen, in hindsight, I should have just gone to Netflix. It would have been... It would have crushed, and it would have been great for all the specials. But perfect. Thank you. But I just... It's like there's a thing about... You came up with an idea. Yeah, there's a thing about seeing it in movie theaters. Now, having said that...

I look at your movie and even my movie and I go, I really thought my movie was good, but it would have been great if you had starred in it. And I just know that because there's no point do I watch you act where I'm not enmeshed in the fucking story. Like, you're a really great actor. And you're a really great actor in doing very nothing. And that's when you're the best is like when you're just talking very casually to Anna about

And the two of you are talking, I don't want to ruin any part of the movie, you're talking to that one dude, and the two of you are going back and forth with opposing opinions. It's so funny, it's so light. And even, you don't push jokes. Like, your jokes come naturally. You can tell when comics push a joke. And there's one scene that I kept thinking about in my movie where I said, I wish you had said it. I really do. Interesting. You know what's funny about that being opposite is, because I came up doing improv and sketch. Yeah.

And now I feel like when I was coming up, that was winning. You know, the Bill Murray's did it. The Chris Farley's did it. The Belushi's did it. And then I felt like standups were over here and improv and sketch was over here. And now I feel like there's been a big shift.

And stand-up is king. And improv theaters are fading. And to do stand-up is kind of everything. And I feel like it's such an interesting spot when you get towards comedic acting. Because certain stand-ups, you got your Eddie Murphys. Those motherfuckers know how to hit a joke in a way that I don't. So certain stand-ups will go on a run and you'll see them as an actor and you'll be like...

Oh, fucking perfect. Because your job is in front of people. Like your life, you're going because I'll check you out on Instagram after we did our thing and then, you know, worked out together. I was like, Albert's a fucking great guy. So I've been keeping track. You're the first person I've ever done that with where I said I was going to do something. I followed through. I don't do that. Is that true? Yeah, I don't do that.

Amazing. I don't do that, but I felt very comfortable with you. Yeah, you did. It was fun. And we texted, and I said, hey, man, I'm working out. And we randomly, you knew my trainer. Yeah. And I said, yo, come and surprise her. And then we had a great fucking workout. It was fun. And literally, I said to myself yesterday, I was like, I haven't worked out with him in a while. I should hit him up to come work out with us. And I said, no, me. Oh, fun. Yeah, so you should got to come again. I'm in. I'm in. I leave for Mexico tomorrow. But your life, man, which I've now, because I never aspired to be a stand-up. I didn't understand it. Now seeing it.

I'll get clips of you. You're in front of 20,000 people multiple times a week hitting jokes. I'm like that from somebody who comes from my world, that is insane. So your skillset, when you get to a set that must feel tiny to you. No, the difference is, and I don't want to, I don't want to tell you the line I wish you had said, but you said a similar line in your movie. And, uh,

And I watched you say it and I went, so what you have, by the way, you directed it, so I don't know who gave you notes, but when you tell me, say this line, I'm going to give it to you the way I think it should be said. And they go, give me a different energy. I'm going to give you pretty much the same variation of what I just said. I can say it with a little bit of a Scottish accent maybe, but that's about it. But you have such an ability to, and to take pivotal, you know, it's like,

The thing with Arnold Schwarzenegger is he never knew that I'll Be Back was going to be the line, and that's why it stuck. That's why, 100%. Because he didn't put any energy into it. Yes. Like, if you told him, this is our catchphrase for the movie. He would have sold it in a huge way. Yeah, and I think I did that. But you...

In your moments, you're very good at being small, but making that small moment very large. But that's the key when we talk about the media changing. And I look at someone like Theo Vaughn. Do you know Theo Vaughn? Killer. I love Theo. Me too. We tried to cast him in an animated show. We did a show called – Good luck. Well, this was years ago. It was called Hoops. Theo, there's so much you could share about Theo.

There's so much you can share about Theo that I choose sometimes not to, only out of respect for like, I don't want to be in a clip about Theo, you know? But like, all I will say is, he...

Here's a drum no one else here and he does his own thing and he has done things that he has done things that if I told you right now not not nothing bad nothing bad, but just just being a real artist Yeah, where he doesn't feel it. Yeah, he does his own thing where you go. Are you fucking kidding me? But he was one of the guys who blew my mind you when I came here and we did something's burning that we sat in the back and had a bunch of drinks you like broke down the structure and

Dax Shepard, hanging out with him. Dax Shepard's fucking fascinating. He's an awesome guy. Dude-

Really fun one we try trashed him on two bears one time trash him, but we busted balls I don't think he's a sensitive guy. It doesn't he didn't see my so I watched him pull a pin out of his wrist He's by the way and by the way the I'll tell you this. This is all you need to know about that shepherd He married Kristen Kristen Bell's a fucking gangster. Yeah, she's got all of it. She's an animal She's got all this seems to be a pretty legit fucking mom. Yeah, and like

And he's a killer, man. But you three, so Theo, years ago, we were doing this anime show with Gareth Reynolds. Yeah. He was one of the EPs on it. Ben Hoffman. Wait, what was the show? Hoops? Hoops. Yeah, I saw that. Yeah, so that was, so I was the lead voice on that. Ben Hoffman, it's his show. Wheeler Walker. Yeah. Gareth. I don't think anyone knows that. What's that? Oh, yeah, interesting. Never mind. God bless. He's a musician and a comedy writer.

And an old friend and like an awesome guy. Sorry. Cut that out. Hey, it's up to you guys editing in the studio. Cut it out or leave it in. Whatever. I think it's fucking fascinating. Yeah, I agree. I think it's the most. Whatever it is. It's crazy. It's wild. It's fucking crazy. It's bananas. It's bananas. It's so crazy. So crazy. And so committed to.

and so deep that you're like, look, and I also know... Okay, someone send this clip to Ben so we can...

Someone's clipping to see if he doesn't want it in because we won't put it in. I think that's right. This is how great it is. This is how great it is. I wish, and I don't wish he died in a plane crash so we could just share this information. But I kind of do. Because it's so fascinating. Well, eventually it's going to, what I don't understand is, well, anyhow, we'll see if he'll even put it in. But we auditioned. So the part, I play an abusive coach from Kentucky. It was a Ben's inspiration kind of whatever.

We were looking to find the seven-foot kid who was going to be like the prodigy that my guy saw like, I see the world in you, kid. And my guy's trying to get out of this fucking high school and get to the pros. There's a seven-footer at the school. The seven-footer just doesn't have the brain for competition. He's just a weirdo. We auditioned a bunch of people. Do you know that... Fucking Bert, stop interrupting. Interrupt, interrupt. I'll get back to it. Did you know that...

The majority of seven-footers don't because they've been famous since they were like in fifth grade They've been famous. They're the tallest guy and everyone goes up to him. It causes a lot of social anxiety with them We had a dude that

that was the biggest guy at our school and immediately you just assume he's comfortable with interaction because he's the biggest guy and he was a very quiet, soft soul. I think he's like working in computers now. - Here's the other side. You know in the movie, the seven foot guy in the Michael Jackson thing who attacks me? That's Boban Marjovnik. Did I say it wrong? - No, no, you're right.

Who the fuck? What are you, a big Serb? I just offended the Serbian community. Okay, okay. He's in the NBA. Yeah, he's in the NBA. He's 7'4". I wrote the part with him in mind. I DMed him to do it. He came on board. He was the opposite. He just did our podcast. This guy. Yeah, I know that guy. I thought it was him. He came on the podcast, too.

He's actually the opposite of that. What he does, 'cause he's so big. I mean, 7'4" is real. And when you're around it, it's other worldly. It feels like you ate mushrooms. - Yeah. - 'Cause you just go like, you're like me, but you ain't like me. - Yeah. - His is the opposite. He says hi to everybody. He makes everybody comfortable. So everybody gets at ease.

And I was like, oh, you got that magic gift of you walk into a space and he just goes like, hi, hi, hi. Warmth, warmth, warmth. And it works for him. I would love to be 7'4". Do you know how big my personality would be if I was 7'4"? Yeah, you know how hard it would be to fly? I would have so much money if I was 7'4". Yeah. I don't know. I would have so much fucking money. A 7'4 stand-up? I'd spend my day at carnivals hitting the fucking hammer on the thing. Ding! All day long. I guarantee you're making more money than you're doing. Ding!

So you're right, Bert. You could get nine funnel cakes and like 200 bucks a day. I guarantee you got a better, you got a better cake. The funnel cakes at Knott's Berry Farm are the best funnel cakes I've ever had in my life. I bet. You can get them. I interrupted you. So Theo Vom. So we're auditioning people for this part of Maddie. Theo comes in.

I swear to God, it was the funniest thing I've ever seen. I didn't know Theo at the time. I wasn't, I didn't know him as a standup. I didn't, I wasn't into the podcast world yet. And if you're not into it, you don't really listen. You don't know. I just see this dude walk in nowhere near the script.

I'm sorry, man. I'm going to try to get these. He just starts improvising. He finished. We all, he walked out. He was like, that's got to be the guy. We went to the studio, the network. We're like, no choice. It has to be him. We were texting him. He was like, yeah, I guess I'm interested. It's fun. I auditioned for it. He got his offer from 20th century. They do a standard rate. Everybody gets the same rate. I've done shows. There's no negotiation. That rate is not good, but you do it because you're on 20th century. You might get on. I don't know. Yeah. You just say yes. He goes, no, no, no, no.

I can't leave my living room for that. And he's like, I don't like to drive. And then as it was going back and forth, I was sure it was a negotiation move. Oh, no. It was done. Oh, no. Never engaged again. And I was like, how? And then Ben goes, he's got a killer podcast. And I was like,

No, no. You do this whole game to do film and TV. And that was the beginning of no other people are playing a different game that I've been playing since like 97. And then here at your house, I was like, remember, I kept thinking this was your family home. Yeah. And I couldn't believe it was a fake kitchen. You know how many times I've talked about that fake kitchen? You have a fake kitchen.

And I was like, what galaxy are we in? Every room I walk in this house, there's some weird 26-year-old behind a computer just going like, editing. Editing what? You guys all working? Yeah, we work for Burt doing this one. How's that one doing? Really big numbers. Every cabinet is full of products?

what company sent you all those hats i know one did yeah they did shout out to lock hatter out of england you guys are awesome see you at winston churchill day the the amazing it's tom was one that introduced me to introduce me to the fact that the business had changed over the pandemic i have never uh

I've never been, I've never tracked my money. Meaning what? Meaning I know what I made when I started headlining, but this is how little I am, how bad I am with money. The first TV show I got was $5,000 an episode, which is a lot of fucking money. Agreed. Still to this day, $5,000 is my threshold of where I know you're good. If you make $5,000 a week, you're fucking good. Agreed.

When I found out I was making $5,000 an episode and I was it was a weekly show. It was $5,000 a week Okay, five thousand a week. We did four shows a week. So technically when you break it down It wasn't the greatest money, but it was still a lot of money for me I looked at my buddy Eddie Fernandez and we were on Franklin and I looked at him and I said I'm a fucking millionaire I didn't do the math

I thought I was a millionaire. But 5,000, when I went to Travel Channel, I said, anything over 5,000. They're like, you'll never get that in an episode. Then that was an episode. It was still three days of work. Was this the Birth to Conquer? Birth to Conquer. And they gave me 7,000 in an episode. And I was like, I made it. I made it.

And so that's the last time I remember making money in my head because I go, anything above $7,000, we're good. We can pay for our rent. We can pay for everything. The other day I was taking a piss and I went, I literally said to myself in a panic,

Like what happens if, like if everything goes away, what happens? Do I have enough money? And I, I literally didn't know the answer. I just, I, but I don't follow money like that. I know I make good money on the road and I know that, I know that I feel like I can, I can last for a while and maybe I can make it to retirement, but like, I don't pay attention to money that way. Tom said to me when we were doing, when we first started Two Bears, when we started getting ad sales on Two Bears during the pandemic,

I guess I can burn it to the ground like Pat McAfee. Travel Channel came to us. I used to be a Travel Channel and they were like, yo, we'd like to hire you and Tom to do a TV show for us. And I was like, that's why you do the podcast. 100% right. That was the model. That's why you do the fucking podcast. And I went to Tom and he was like, cool, let's do it. So they came back with our offer and Tom said to me, we make that. What they want to offer both of us, we make that. And I went, what? And he goes, for like a read. Yeah.

And by the way, they weren't offering a ton of fucking money at the time. It was during the pandemic. And I went, huh? And he goes, for one minute of me and you reading an ad. We get that. We get that. But they're going to give notes and be in control. And they're going to decide if we do more. And then. Shocking. And then.

At that time, we had offers from a bunch of different people to buy Something's Burning. Something's Burning was at a different company for a while, but I owned it. It was complicated, but I owned it, and so I could make the decisions of what happened with the show, and they came to me.

And I remember hearing the money and thinking of what Tom said. And I said, I'll do it, but I want no notes. And they were like, okay. It's what we shoot. You'll get that. I'll just shoot that and I'll give it to you. And we'll give you the edit and you can air it. And they came back and they said, that's awesome. We'd love it. But we'd love a little man on the street stuff. And I went, no, I said no notes. And I remember the producer that I was talking to that was helping me sell this project said to me,

I've never, you can't say no notes. I said, well, I'm in a position where I can say no notes. And I, and I, but it, it was the old paradigm and now things have shifted and you, I keep going back to Pat McAfee and I go, I mean, not to, not to like, I hate talking about my friends too much on podcasts because I feel like they get clipped out badly, poorly. Yeah.

But Tom and I remember Pat McAfee when he was just a punter with a podcast. Yeah, totally. And I remember thinking, how much of this punting salary is he going to run through

On trying this podcast shit because his podcast was good. It was good, but I was like, I'm, but I was in that old paradigm, a travel channel. I think it was a travel channel at the time. And then I watched him turn into what he is. And it's like, Oh, you just got to believe in yourself. I said to anyone listening, and I know Tom's had some thoughts about money and what to our fans, but the truth is,

Finding the thing you fucking love and believing in yourself. You did that with this movie. You believed in yourself. You got the money. You wrote the movie. You made the movie. You starred in the movie. You called in friends to do favors for you, and they did them. And the movie's fucking phenomenal, and that's the new paradigm. That is the new paradigm. That's interesting, yeah.

It is because... Here's what's trippy, Bert. So here's where the whole world for me... I'm going to have another drink. I haven't had a buzz in 15 days. It's nice. Why not? I am changing my lifestyle, longevity. I'm drinking tonight at your party. I'm drinking tonight at your party. Gareth is going to be there too. We're going to have some fun. I got to set it 7.15 at the improv and then I'm going over to your party. Oh, fun. Good. You're going to be jacked up.

I'm gonna be jacked up. I only have one joke that I'm telling tonight. That's new so I Have one joke I'm gonna try I'm gonna try I time I think this is funny I Texted I think it's funny cuz Tom texted it back to me. I this guy

DM to me he's like hey you're gonna be in Stockton I would like to bring the Diaz brothers and a couple of MMA guys and a bunch of people oh yeah, I'm taking a shit and in Park City, and I just write I voice text abso-fucking-lutely and then I hit send and it voice text change that I'm so fucking lonely

And the guy wrote, like, cool, so yay or nay on the Diaz brothers. I'm so fucking lonely. You know what I will say? I'm a UFC guy from back in the day, and I faded a little bit. And I got into it because of the Diaz brothers. When those guys, now, when Nick... I would argue... God damn it, Bert, stop fucking interrupting. I would argue that the Diaz brothers...

are gangsters, right? They're real fighters. They're fucking gangsters. There's so much that goes into that magic sauce. But here's the difference. Nowadays, you have all athletes. Everybody looks like GSP. Everybody's got a certain body and everybody does everything. The reason that Nick Diaz was Nick Diaz

He showed up in jeans. And I remember watching fights where you would have like, it used to be back in the day, you'd be like, and we would all get together and we would gamble on it. And if I was running the gambling, you'd go like, all right, the fat guy who seems to punch versus the jujitsu guy.

When a Diaz brother came up, you were like, well, it's going to be them. It's going to be like Jake Shields. It's going to be that guy Burns. And they might literally walk into the ring in acid wash jeans and a t-shirt and then fight. Nowadays, it is such a sport. ESPN is all over it. Reebok on it. Everybody's got their sponsors. Everybody's playing the game. You see how it got corporate. You see how it got big. But I'm like, where's Roy Nelson? Where are the big fat bellies? But if he catches you,

And that is, you know, that is the thing that I will say with everything that I miss. And as the world keeps changing, I'm like, there was really something to you would have somebody where you're like, that's a professional martial artist. But that motherfucker is fighting this tough dude from Stockton who grew up with his brother's bad asses, trained jujitsu. But they have now worked themselves in a frenzy. They hate you. My favorite Diaz clip. And by the way, I have a bunch. I have a fucking bunch.

My favorite Diaz clip, it's a Nate Diaz clip. They asked him if he ever got bullied growing up. Dude, I could cry telling you this. And he said, nah, I had a big brother. Yeah, so cool.

- It's amazing. - I've never hated my sisters more. They did nothing for me. They gave me a sense of humor, but like those fucking-- - So I got twin girls. - Yeah, not conjoined. - Not conjoined, that was still one of my all-time favorites. But one of them came home, the other one was home from school, and she said, "A girl in the group said, "'It's better when blank isn't here,'" talking a little shit about her sister,

And my other daughter went, no, we don't do that. Don't talk about it. And stood up and walked away and a couple of friends went with. It was the proudest I've ever been as a parent of like, you're just setting the standard. And I feel that way with friends and my team. It's like, you've got a squad. You've got a group. You can't let people fucking piss on it. So when you go back to like the Diaz brothers, what's so fun about them is they got a group in Stockton.

And you ain't in it. - Yup. - You're not part of it. If you are one of those celebrities, if you can like hang with, let's say they'll know you. So you're with them. - Yeah. - You might walk with them. You're not with them. - No. - They're gonna be nice to you. They're gonna make sure you don't compete. - They may, but every now and then you're gonna get side eyes to them when they go, what did he just say? - Exactly right. And then you're gonna go nothing, nothing.

That shit, which used to be more of UFC. Yeah. When it was, remember when it first started in our generation, you used to watch on VHSs and you would have like a 300 pounder, like murdering some guy. Yeah. And it used to be that and faces of death. Remember when those were linked rather than UFC and fucking pickleball were linked? It used to be UFC and faces of literal death. Yeah.

I'm going to rope in this alligator. You should be. Oh, God, no, no. Nowadays, you have UFC, and then you're like, keep watching. Fucking cornhole's coming on. And these fucking goobers are taking that shit seriously. Do you know pickleballs kill more people than any sport in the world? That's not true. You're making stuff up.

You just lie with sincerity. No, but I only know two people that died after pickleball. Matthew Perry and then this guy I was snowboarding with. He was like, I had a massive heart attack after pickleball. And I was like, fuck pickleball, man. That's dangerous. Pickleball is fun. Have you played? I was. This could be our way of working out. This is dude.

Do not get Leanne started on people, you know She bought this house so that she could build a pickleball court in it really wanted to build a pickleball court where we parked my bus now Because she wants a pickleball fun. It's so great cardio. It's great cardio Here's the problem is deceptive to older people cuz it fucks up your knees No, no because they think they're they're getting a good workout, but they should not be working out And so that's why they have heart attacks. Did you know Matthew Perry? super glued his hands to his knees to stop doing drugs and

No, but I do know I did a press event with him years ago. Really? We did some like a Hollywood Reporter Roundtable. And, you know, it's Matt Perry. So, you know, God bless the guy, but I'm a fan. And so, you know, in that era coming up when he was on Friends and then he was doing movies with Farley too and Bruce Willis, I'm like, cool, man. And so everyone was around and I'm like, I kind of want to chat with him a little bit. And he was crushing Red Bulls.

Really? And I go, and I'm an addict, so I get addicted to everything. So an addict sees an addict. You see it really quick. The way you were freaking out about those mints. Can Pete get those mints? Yeah, so anyway, the movie. Can Pete get those mints? Yeah, so the movie, you're like, it's like nonstop. Speaking of time, good time to switch out for a new one. Delicious. And so I said, like, you're crushing these Red Bulls, my man. And he goes, it's my thing. He goes, you have no idea how many I drink. He goes, I have a vending machine at home stocked with fucking Red Bulls.

And that's when I was like, oh, this dude goes hard. He goes after it. He goes after it. And I was like, he would be a fun hang. The key is, did you read his book? No. I listened to his book on tape. When I was not drinking for like, I didn't drink for like three months. And I listened to his book.

He says it. I've said to everyone, it's the thing you should listen to. It's really moving. That varies? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Because he's very open and honest. Who did he kill? Keanu Reeves? I remember something where he did some statement where he was making fun of some actor and everyone got mad at him. Oh, I don't know. Is that not true? It was Keanu Reeves? What? Oh, they did. Okay. Yeah, yeah. They took it out of what?

Oh, for real? Yeah, he said something for no reason where he said he doesn't like Keanu Reeves. I kind of like that, though. That's what Cat Williams did. Cat Williams. Holy cow, is that dude funny. Dude, he burned all the boats. He burned all the boats and stood on the shore five foot five going, I'm bigger when you see me in person. And let me tell you something, I bet he is. I bet he fucking is. He's a murderer. He's a murderer. He is so...

But, you know, I mean, you're listening. No one's shitting on Cat Williams. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's the weird thing. It's like there is like a –

there is a thing in hollywood where the person you think you're working with isn't who you're i'm not saying that i'm not saying this about kevin hart and bernie and all or whatever i'm not saying this about cat statements yes but there is a thing where you get to work with the person you want to work with you're super excited then you meet them and you're like who is this garbage there's also the other side what's that and that is you work with certain people that so i am now conditioned that certain celebrities

Everything is a grind to get them to do any little things you come into the party today and you saying for years It means a lot that means right. It's not a grind and I'll tell you why but hold on but hold on but that means a lot because You are helping me you taking photos. There will help promote the movie. That means a lot asking celebrities to do stuff. Yeah, I

Little stuff. - Yeah. - Who are friends. It's like you're pulling fucking teeth and then you meet certain people. Tom Cruise was one of those people. - I thought you were gonna say Tom Segura 'cause he's difficult too. Keep going. No, you know what it is? And I, listen, this is the other thing I've learned in therapy

Tom's really good at setting boundaries. I'm not good at setting boundaries. I'm not good at setting boundaries, but I also know what a little bit of an ask and a little bit of a give means. I told you this. When people came to my premiere like Bustin' with the Boys, those guys came out. Leigh-Anne flew them out, but regardless, they got on the plane. They came. They did it. It meant a lot to me. It does mean a lot. It's helpful. And when I got the invite for your party tonight, I said...

I said, yeah, absolutely. And I was like, I'm not going to be, I won't shift the energy of that room. I'm not going to be like a big name. But just if you see me, then you know that I really like you. That you mean something to me. So that's why I show up.

But yeah, but you were saying the other side of that I'm guys I'm trying so hard not to interrupt trust me You said the other side of that is when you see the celebrity thing we were talking about and they're fucking awesome Yeah, and they come out and you expect them to be something so you're going because me as an actor for most of my jobs I like being number two on call sheet. I like being number one you do I can't be number two Is that true a hundred percent because a ego or what? No, I? I wish I wasn't so fucking honest. I

I don't know if it's ego. It's not ego, because I wouldn't mind being with bigger people. But I got offered, I got fucking, edit yourself, Bert. Please edit the names out. I got offered a movie with, yeah, edit those names out, please. Very casually, would you like to play a part in this movie? I said, yeah, definitely. I was like, well, hold on. Can I like, can I like go into the offices on like a Tuesday and like fuck around and like,

Like walking into a trailer and say hi. Am I going to be like, where will I be? And they're like, no, it's a job. You'll show up for two days. If they're there, they're there. You had a small part. Very small part. And I was like, well, now I think I want to be in the process. Yes, okay, but that's different.

So being number one and being like, Oh, I don't care where my, I never looked at a fucking call sheet. But here's why I say it because being number two, which is where I like to be two, three or four. Cause what that is is number one has to carry the whole thing. And when the big corporate machine comes around and says, these are your obligations with press. Yeah. That's number one, number two, three and four. They're just there to help the team win.

And so I'm used to being around number ones. Certain number ones are better than other number ones. But when you see a number one and you get to a set and that number one only, it's like sports. Yeah. It's the same idea of if your quarterback is the first one to leave, first one to get there and last one to leave, you got a better chance of winning. Your number one is your quarterback. Yeah.

So I have worked with certain number ones where I'm like, well, you care about everybody. You care about like the moments. You care about everybody feeling right. When I did the mummy with Tom Cruise. TC. TC. He wanted me to. I love calling him TC. Do it. Whenever I ever run into him, it's like, yo, what's up, TC? He would like you. He wanted me to get thinner and stronger because we were doing stunts together. Yeah. So he's like, it's dangerous because you got to keep up with me in two shots. So we started training. I'm a pudgy guy.

So I started dropping weight pretty quickly when I had to do his stuff and eat the food that his chef was sending me. Right. So the director said through the script continuity wise, Jake's looking a little bit different and it might not track the answer there. If you're just concerned about the movie is we got to worry about the movie. Tom was concerned about my life and he liked the path I was going. He said, it doesn't matter. Keep going.

And I was like, yo, you care about me on a human level, motherfucker, as number one. And no one in the audience cared. Okay. But that was like an executive little detail scripty. His face looks a little. And Tom goes, Jake's into working out and he's willing to eat this soup rather than the fries and the burgers he was bragging about. And when he tried to pass on the movie, it wouldn't work out. He likes doing workouts, which I still have in my garage because of him. Yeah.

And like doing it with, I like it now. Okay. Know me, for example. That to me is the other side of Hollywood that doesn't get talked about because there's one voice and that is the dark underbelly of Hollywood. I've never seen that dark underbelly. I see some egomaniacs who are bullshit and they're just annoying kids and other people who are fucking awesome humans who are lifting everybody and I'm like, fucking more of you, motherfuckers. Here's why, and I apologize to TC if he's hearing this. Here's why I can't do a movie with TC. Okay.

Because I will suck up to him nonstop. I will try to become his friend. I probably will become his friend. And then when he says to me, yo, we're shooting in sub-Saharan Africa tomorrow. We're leaving London at like 3 in the morning. That's what we did, Namibia. I was on his private jet from London to Namibia. And when he says, we're getting on the private jet, I go, cool. And when I get on the private jet and see that it's just waters.

I'm going to have a problem. That happened. That's my real life. For real? This story happened, Bert. Okay. This story happened. I'm not saying I want to be number one, but I definitely have a weird thing. Hold on. Let me finish. Your example of your nightmare was my nightmare. We shot for three months in London. I brought my wife and kids. Then we had three weeks in Africa where I was doing all the stunts. Did you tell me this story? Is that why I just said it to you?

Keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going. So we had three weeks of stunts. I was legit nervous. Not fake nervous. Yeah. Real nervous. Like scared. Like real pussy scared. Tom Cruise breaks his ankle and keeps going. Yeah, that's what I mean. And he also said to me the whole time, we're going to be in a two shot. Keep up. So I was scared. So my family, my wife and my kids are flying from London back home. I have three weeks of stunts. Very little dialogue. We're just every day grinding in Africa.

I have a flight from whatever airlines they booked me on, first class. Got the fucking little bed. I cannot wait to say goodbye to my family, who I love. And I don't drink around my kids. So I'm different. I'm a dad. Alone on a plane, I'm back to being me. I'm a degenerate. Fucking throw them back, fat boy. Double jack on the rocks. Whatever you want. You got any snacks? Yeah. And then once you start getting nice with the flight attendant, whatever you have for snacks. I know I have a dairy thing. I'm going to deal with it later.

Fat and old Jakey boy up because we are having a nice 12 hours. When I land, I belong to him, and I'm going to try my hardest. But I got 12 hours. I'm going to let it rip.

Yes. And I was excited. Honestly, and this is embarrassing to admit, but it's like a fat kid around a candy store. I'd been thinking about that flight for weeks. And that's a true story. Because I also knew like, I don't have the time to watch like three or four movies. Yeah. In real life, I'm like, I'm busy. I'm always grinding. I love grinding. Yeah. So I'm like, 12 hours to sit in a little cube and drink and watch stuff. I don't have it. I got it there and I'm being paid. Fuck.

I get a text from Tom's people saying Tom would like you on his private jet to run lines. Oh, and you know he's got a G6. Keep going. Yeah, what is the G6? It's the big one with the bed in the back. Yes, he does. I know he does. Yes. So I go, is this negotiable?

Because I got a ticket. I'm leaving in two days. They're like, Tom would like you and Annabelle Wallace, who's the lead in that, and she's the best. The three of you are going to go on. He wants to run lines. And I said, like, is there alcohol on the plane? I love that that was your first fucking question. You got 12 hours, man. 12 hours. And flying stuff. No alcohol. And Tom flies. He flies. Yeah. He flies. Well, we would get on his, from set in Africa to the hotel, he would fly a helicopter and we would be on it.

So he would fly it. And the way it would work, and this is why you would love him. Burt, full wardrobe, miked. I'm dressed like an army guy. His head is security of Mario, special forces, animal, real animal. Would go, Jake, you're coming with us. We leave now. My clothes are in my trailer. You don't go back. You sprint to the fucking helicopter. You know who else is running? Chubby little hair and makeup girls. What?

Eight people. We're running with Tom. Why are we running? No reason. You want to know when the helicopter leaves? When he wants to leave. We're running. We're running. We get on. We buckle in. Side doors open. Take off. Then he would go like this. Hey, guys. And then he'd be like, look. I've got my phone. I filmed him a bunch because I'm like, you're the weirdest guy I've ever met. He would go like, you guys want to see the oldest part of Africa? And I'm like, yes. Yeah.

Oh, I take that back to you so I can work with you in a heartbeat. That's what I'm saying. So then you get on the plane, right? And I'm thinking, so this is going to be 12 hours of work. We do 40 minutes of lines. And then you realize pretty quickly, he just wanted some company. And there's no alcohol. And then he's getting tired. You know, we eat. Food's delicious. But it's 9 o'clock. We've got nine hours ahead of us.

And he's getting ready to go to bed. And I'm like, he kind of fucked me. You invited me to a sleepover party. You don't have Nintendo. I'm fucked, my man. So then he goes, you guys want to watch a movie? And Annabelle, who was, Annabelle Wallace is a killer. She's so funny. She had the guts. I didn't. And she goes, yeah, we're looking for a good movie. You recommend anything? And he goes like, yeah, well, there's, I've got everything. I've got like Apple TV or whatever he had. And she goes,

Well, can you pitch some good movies? And I go, anything with Tom Cruise in it? He then pitched his library as a joke. Burt, his bit timing, we were cry laughing. He'd be like, if you like a romantic comedy with sports, he would then pitch that one. Everything. He went line by line. Oh, what movie do I watch with Tom Cruise on his jet with him? Pull

Pull up, hey, can you, do we have- Magnolia, born on the 4th of July. Born, no, I'm not watching that one, that was depressing. It's a great performance. Magnolia, his performance in that is incredible. If I was on a private jet with Leonardo DiCaprio- Yeah.

First movie without a fucking doubt. Gilbert Grape. Do Arnie. I want to see you do Arnie now as an adult. Fuck yes. Dude, he was so good as Arnie. He was so good as Arnie. And you know he can still do it. If I had hosted the Golden Globes, my first opening line would have been. Why don't you host one of these things, man? Never. Why? I'm fucking not that comic.

I'm not that comic. Meaning what? Meaning like it's, I talk about my life and I think I'm better at talking about my life. I would, I, I've, I've actually thought in, in watching the Golden Globes, how I would have approached it. Cause I think it's hindsight is 2020. Yeah. I would have. How do you think he did? I think he did great. I thought, yeah. I didn't see the show. I just saw backlash about him. Yeah. Uh, and I don't know the man. And then I saw an eight minute clip.

And I was like, this is what's, I don't get that, but these are fun. This is a good bit. No, it was, you know, I don't, I didn't get too in the weeds on it. I like Joe and I, when he did it, I was so excited for him that everything he said, I was like, fuck yeah, fuck yeah. Like sure. There were some bombs in there. But what is, here's my question to you then. What do you think that is that all of a sudden the headlines, because the reason I know, but I don't watch those award shows. I don't care about them. I don't care. Really? Couldn't care less.

Even I care and I don't care. Like I really don't care. Couldn't care less. Never. And I've been to them. When New Girl was getting nominated and Spider-Verse, even while I was there, I was on the stage during the Academy Awards when we won. It doesn't, there's, you know how certain things really like satisfy you and feel good? Like when you said you didn't care about money, I could not relate to that.

Money is the validation for me because that means it's like real. It's happening. Numbers, the analytics. I was talking to Leanne about this before when we first started. The numbers matter. So for the podcast, we're here to help. When we started doing that, I was like, I don't know. Gareth was really pushing it. I'm like, I don't want to do a fucking podcast. I didn't get it. He's like, you're going to not only like it, but it's going to work. You're going to see. When we started, those numbers, because I study the numbers of everything I do,

are dwarfing numbers of big corporate stuff. And I'm like, by the way, thank you for doing our show. But I'm like, how could these numbers? And at that time we didn't even have a studio. We're filming Zoom. But I'm like, these numbers are beating the numbers of this show at these numbers. And that's when I started getting like fucking exciting, man. But the idea of an award show, you're paying a publicist, you're paying a stylist. You have to go to an event that is not fun to be at. Yeah.

for a network to make money on ad sales. And then a guy like him who does a set, he got 10 days before. How could the headlines not be like, great job, man. They need, they, the, the, what are these headlines? The news cycles have learned what podcasting did originally, which was say wild shit and people tune in. And how interesting. So it does, it doesn't, it doesn't pay to go joke. Just solid job. Yeah. Solid job, man. Can you believe this guy got it in 10 days?

I had 10 days to prepare and this is what he did. It's pretty good. You know, a comic who's never been, who's never been in the movies of the scale of these guys hung with the, I mean, listen, I'm not, I'm definitely not. And I have been in the business, but I'm not in the business of trashing comics. I've done it before. But, uh, but like, I just, I always try to find the bright side of what people do. And I, all I can tell you is I would have done worse. Yeah. Yeah.

I would have done way worse. I would have done, Joe killed it in my perspective because me on there, I would have been nervous. I would have been sweating. I would have been shirtless. I would have been like, who the fuck's this guy? My opening joke, I already figured out in hindsight how I would have approached it. What would it have been?

I would have said, I would have gone, I would have mentioned my movie, obviously. Hey guys, I'm sure you guys all know me from my major motion picture, The Machine. Lauren Scorsese, I hope you saw it. Yeah, great. De Niro, we went out to you, you passed. Big mistake. Killer Flower Moon, kind of long. But anyway, and then I would have immediately gone, Leonardo DiCaprio's here, who remembers? I would have also posted that I'd only seen one of those movies. I'd only seen Tenet, 90s.

Not Tenant. Chris Nolan. Oppenheimer. So all my jokes would have been about Oppenheimer. That's my angle. I would have just been like, I apologize. I've only seen one of your movies today. I'm not watching them all. But let's get into it. Hey, Nick Cage is here. Did you see Oppenheimer? So I want to hear fun trivia to interrupt for a second about What's Eating Gilbert Grape. Yeah. I can tell you fun trivia too. Go tit for tat. Mine's going to be more fun. Then let me start with mine. Fine.

The mom lived to like 74. Good for her. Yeah, right? God bless her. I thought she'd be dead at 50. Same. I also think you're lying. Google that. Google that. I could be lying. I think that's a lie. I'm not lying, but I think my memories are weird. I read stuff, and then I know how it makes me feel. But Bert, you started this with sucking dick doesn't make you gay, and I would be about him. Her name was Bonnie Grape?

No. Oh, no, that's her. What a fucking. Died in 2017 at the age of 69. 69. Close enough. Maybe second dick doesn't make you a king. See, I read the fact and I tell you the information of how the fact meant. Well, also, she lost 240 pounds in 2012. Oh, I didn't read that. After a series of health issues in 2010 that nearly killed the goddamn woman. I didn't read her. I didn't read all of it.

I didn't read all, I'm like, I'm like. - Now if she stayed that size. - You ready for another fact? Don't forget your fact. - I can't. - This is a fact I feel like I read, but then I like to tell everyone what I read. And it's probably not accurate. You created Drunk History. - Yes, no, I was. - Just leave it at that. You created Drunk History. - No, I was the original drunk for Drunk History. - Yes, but you were talking to the guy. - Derek Waters, who you would love.

What's eating Gilbert Grape? Don't let me forget. Keep going, though. You and I are similar in that we both like to party. We both like to work hard. Especially pre-kids.

So it was that time. Oh, I didn't even work hard before kids. I phoned it in. I love, by the way, for the first time, one eye closed. I said pre-kids and you were like, I phoned it in. Amazing. I flexed my white privilege until it stopped working. Your backstory about college is incredible. Dude, I am. It's incredible. There's no reason anyone should like me. It's an incredible backstory. Anyway. Oh, you know what you should make as a movie?

Van Wilder again, but with you as the guy. And you know like Rodney Dangerous when he went back to school? Yeah. A back to school where you're a fucking whatever. You go back to school at a certain point in your life and you go, you motherfuckers don't know how to party the way we used to. I'm going to show you how to do college. I'd kill those kids. You would kill those kids. No more sucking dick. No more sucking dick. You guys have convinced me. All right, never mind. I'm sucking dick. Let's fucking.

So here's my trivia. The older sister in that movie, Mary-Kate Schallhart, I dated. We went to the same high school. We came out to L.A. together, stayed in a hostel. The one that made the cake?

Yes, she made the cut. Yes. Mary Kay Chalhart was in my high school. We grew up together. She was the only actress in our whole town. She had that movie poster in her basement. She had Apollo 13. She's a really talented woman. She went to Carnegie Mellon. And in high school, we ended up dating at the end of high school into college.

And I was around her during that whole period as well. We came out here. She had a pilot season when we were 18. We stayed at a hostel on Hollywood Boulevard while she was auditioning. I would walk with her to auditions. And then that's a pretty good trivia. Yes, it's good that the mom lived. Mary Kate Schallhart.

I just watched that whole movie beginning to end. She's a great actress, by the way. I watched that whole movie beginning to end the other night. It's a fucking awesome movie. It really delivers. I didn't realize that the grandma and Julia Louise Dreyfuss, not Julia Louise Dreyfuss. It's a different movie with her. Grandma. Lewis. Why is he climbing? What was I saying? I don't know. Oh, that they left for a full year.

They left Arnie and Gilbert for a full year. At the end of the movie, they go for a full year on the road with their caravan and come back and pick them up. Wild. I know. It really is a great movie. You want to hear another trivia about Johnny Depp? You might know this. Hold on. Let's take our time. Are you a big JD guy? I got a voicemail from him. Say it. Bert, it's Johnny. Hey, I understand you like to have a couple drinks, like to party.

come on over my house really yeah we'll take you the address do you have it i new phone because of goddamn internet and i lost or i probably fucked it up no me i gave out my phone number and so uh i'm not the smartest guy okay and and uh johnny yeah johnny depp and i was at a christmas party uh with my kids and i left i said guys johnny depp called

I'm going to go party with Johnny Depp. And? He wasn't there. I spent the night at his house. Wait, what? I went to his house. Spent the night in his house. Partied by myself with Stanhope. Stanhope was there. This is the weirdest story I've ever heard. We ended up, he's like, Johnny should be back any minute now. Hold on. Johnny Depp invited you to a party. You went. He wasn't there. Doug Stanhope was there. And me and Stanhope stayed in Johnny Depp's house. Just partying. Just drinking cold beers.

Then whiskey and then I slept in Johnny Depp's bed Really Johnny does bad and it was like Jon Snow's bed. There's like a wolf I mean, sir. I mean, I'm sorry Johnny. It was like it was like the crazy I mean I spent the whole night walking through his house looking at his shit and it was like a maniac not to Johnny Depp's my my big white whale. I got a couple big white whales. I want to party with it. Yeah, who are they top three? Well, I

I know this isn't popular, but I want to catch Ben Affleck on a fall off the wagon night. I want to catch him. Seems fun. Ben Affleck, when he's so... I have a sad Ben Affleck story. And it was the beginning of when I realized my career wasn't what I thought it was going to be. It was... You know you have your dreams? Oh, I still have them. Yes, and your dreams... For me, my dream was always like...

Doing cool stuff and cool people thinking it was cool, right? And, you know, just doing the good, whatever the quote unquote the good stuff is, that was the idea. Yeah, it still is. Not for me. And New Girl started. And I knew it wasn't the cool show, but it had a fan base. And when you go back to the five grand, I was making money I had never been making. I was pretty fired up.

So we get an idea to, they contact us and say, do you want to host an award show called like the Do Right Awards? And I said, no, thank you. I'm not a host. And they said a Lamorne would really like to. And the rate was something like 20 grand. A Lamorne? Lamorne, who's in the show with me, really good friend. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, yeah. I love the idea of a Lamorne, and I'm going to talk to Tim about that. You were referred to as a Lamorne. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Is he the black dude? Yes. Yeah, okay. Oh, he's one of them. Damon's the other black dude. Damon was in that? Yeah.

Yeah, Damon was in the pilot, and then I convinced him. You know, I accosted him one night. About? Oh, wait. Were we going to call Damon? We're FaceTiming Damon to find out if he finds it offensive when British dudes do black dudes' accents. Should I call him right now? Hold on, hold on, hold on. Don't fucking forget. The Ben Affleck story. Okay, so anyhow, they say that Lamorne was- I wonder if Damon Wayans Jr. knows who I am. Yes, I'm sure he does. I don't know. Damon is an everyday text buddy. Really? Yeah. For real? Love Damon Wayans Jr. Love him.

We've tried to put things together. He is the best to work with. He's an unthinkably good writer, great standup. - His family is-- - His pedigree, man. - His pedigree. - And it matters. That shit matters. - His family's OGs, you notice they didn't come up with Cat Williams' monologue. - You know what's hard about being around somebody who's pedigree like that? When you look at your family lineage and you go like, "You got Damon Sr. "You got all these uncles, these cousins." I look at my group and I'm like, "What are we doing?"

I got an uncle who got his dick sucked by a fucking dude. I got a guy who bragged about getting a blowjob from a man and then hustled me at chess. So I love chess now, but Eddie used to play chess with me and he was like, you know, my dad wasn't around growing up. I felt like, I guess this is fatherhood.

He goes, let me teach you to play chess. We would play chess. Every day he would teach me. And then all of a sudden I started beating him. Was that dad character in the movie? Did it have anything to do with you or really not? So my dad in real life was a cocaine guy to him. So he was gone from two to 17. But then we became the best of friends. Yeah. And then hold on. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Go to Ben Affleck. And then I want to know.

No, fucking god damn it Bert keep going. Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck. Okay. I'm so bad at tracking I just let the conversation go where it goes and I but I've listened to podcasts where the host doesn't listen and It drives me fucking nuts. So I'm working really hard on you doing a good job. Also your body's looking good Bert I was I was in the gym with you when you were fat or staring at a fat photo of you throwing out a first pitch and You must have said ten times. I hate that photo. I fucking hate that photo. I hate that photo

And a lot of fat guys have said that, and then you see them six months later, and you go, you're that photo. You might hate it, my guy. You lost three pounds, and you're going, dude, I'm walking up hills now. And I go, you're still about 300 pounds. Oh, dude, I can do a sit-up now. Keep going. Keep going. Penaflac. So...

The way the award show did, they told each of us the other ones wanted to do it. And we were all good friends on that show. So I go like, I don't want to keep money out of their mouth. So I'll do it. So long story short, we're hosting an award show, which I didn't know what it was. I didn't do any homework on it. We get to this thing. It's a big hangar in Santa Monica. Teleprompters hosting. Not my gag. I'm not a stand up. Not what I like. Not what I aspire to.

So I didn't even look at the bits. So one of them was we're dressed in like white pants and red shirts and we're doing like a boys band thing. And my vibe is I don't care what my thoughts are until you get on stage and then fucking sell it. Yeah. Whatever you think before, once the lights come on, I'm a believer in

Now dance, motherfucker, because this is what you do for a living. So have your cool opinions. The lights go on. Hello, whatever you guys want. I'm trying, even though I'm bad at it. Me too. That's our job. And I believe that's what we do. We have great lives for it. Shut the fuck up and dance.

So that's what we're doing. So we're doing like some stupid bits. I'm reading the teleprompter. I'm dyslexic as fuck. So I'm reading slow. Don't mispronounce easy words and look like you're a true idiot. I'm going at one point. I'm on Max Greenfield's back as he's doing pushups. I don't even know the bit we're

But I do know nobody's laughing. I know that we're in front of thousands of people going, hate these guys. And I'm literally going like this, I think. I look to the side of the stage and there's a bunch of people sitting on the side watching too who I hadn't noticed yet because I was looking this way. And Ben Affleck's in the front row. I guess he had something he was being awarded for for his good behavior. And he was doing the mad Ben Affleck. And we finished the thing and I get Ben's stage and I go to Max Greenfield and I go like,

Ben Affleck's here and he hates us. And he was like, yeah, man. Our show is not for cool people. Your career is not what you thought. And Ben Affleck hates you. And he was just doing Argo. And I had this moment of like, he's right. Dude, but that's the fucking... That's the thing. I was telling you about that Bernie Mac clip. Yes. And the thing is...

You don't have to be for everybody. Yeah, agreed. You really don't have to be for everyone. And I will never be accepted by the Hollywood elite. And I only know that because I was never accepted by the comedy elite.

The Comedy Elite, it wasn't until I started doing arenas that the Comedy Elite started reaching out and being like, hey, can I, you know, I'd love to be on your podcast. And you're like, I've been a fan of you for fucking 20 years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. Even still. Even if they're lying. So here's what I will say on that because I'm going through a huge change that connects to that. Yeah. I've always thought you make projects for critics to like so that the town likes. And that means the gatekeepers allow you to make another one.

What this new era of podcasting people have showed me, it's the only thing that matters is the audience. That seems so basic, but that has not been the structure of the game. The structure of the game is the Hollywood elite, whatever that thing is. And that shit's not this fake dark conspiracy. People pretend it's one thing. It's not. It's high school. Just a few people. Yeah. But those agents, those managers, those PR, whatever that circle is, I don't know. I'm not in it.

They need to approve. The critics all need to approve whatever this agenda is, whatever it is I'm trying to do. And if you're in there, you're going to get lifted up. But then when they decide to knock you down, you're knocked down.

Then over here is an ocean of audience. And I'm like, why are we facing this way? Yeah. Shouldn't we be doing what we all did when we started? When I started up, I had a two man comedy show with my buddy Oliver Ryle and we toured the country with it. We wrote a sketch show and we improvised. We would just go directly to audience. If the audience didn't laugh, we would sit in the apartment, get really mad and rewrite it.

Now all of a sudden it changed as opposed to like, well, what did everybody think? Well, the audience didn't seem to like it, but we got these notes. The notes are good, so we're good. And now I'm going back to for the first time in years, which makes me feel like I'm 25 again. The only thing that matters is the fucking audience who cares about all this other shit. If people show up for you.

You're winning. I would argue even sometimes it, it benefits you to do stuff. And I'm using Rogan as the example of this, but I know for a fact, and I, you triggered me when you said the word, um, if you, and if they didn't like it, you went back here. Yes. I remember I got offered, uh, the man show at a really weird time. It was gone for a while. Right. And I got a call. It was in Edmonton. And they said, Hey, we want to give you the man show. Um,

would you do it? And immediately I was like, fuck yeah. I mean, I have huge respect for Kimmel, for Carolla, for Joe, for Doug. And I was like, Wait, the second thing was Rogan and Doug Stanhope? Yeah, they did it again. Weird. And so I called Joe. Apologize, Joe, if I'm speaking out of school, but you're my friend and I'll apologize to you in person.

But Joe told me, do not do it. You'll be putting TV time out. And he said, that's the way this business works. They put you in TV time out and I've been there and you don't want to be there. And he's like, just the things are changing and you can do your own thing. Just do your own thing. Like, just do it. I'm not saying that he said, do it with Tom. But I know for a fact that I, the next call I made was Tom. I said, Hey, I got off of the man show. Do you want to do it with me? And Tom said, no. He said, we could just do it. And

And ultimately, I think we did do our version of it, our thing. But you're totally right. But I would argue in the same token is that Joe taught us that not, and I say this with massive respect, is that he would do things that as an audience member, Joe's audience member, I've always been a fan of Joe's, that I didn't know I liked.

I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't know. But Joe was like, you trust me. I'm curious as fuck. He is the most curious man you'll ever meet. Trust me as my fan.

And I promise I'll bring you good shit. And that's the other part of that is that the industry never trusted anybody. They trusted Martin Scorsese. They trusted the big names. But they were like, I need to put my fingers on that. I need to make it dirty. No one would have ever let Joe bring in people that denied AIDS to his podcast for three and a half hours. But I listened to that episode. I can tell you, I was skateboarding listening to it, fascinated. Called Joe and was like, dude, I

I don't know what the fuck you're doing, but man, you got me listening to shit I would never listen to. And I love it because it's shit out of my realm. And that's the other cool thing about what's going on is like you can trust in yourself and go, I want to make the thing. I want to make the thing that I think the fans will like. But here's the catch with that because I totally agree. So what we're finding in our podcast and why I'm getting addicted to it is you get to see the numbers. So we'll have a thing like there was a guy who was dressing up like or pretending to be me in bars.

Right? So this really happened. You know, I talked about it on Kimmel, but I got a note from a girl. I get a DM from some random 20-year-old girl. And I look at the DMs, you know, as much as I can. I think it's fun to go back and forth. Some random girl said, it was really nice to meet you last night. I don't go out a lot of nights. So I go, you didn't meet me last night. She goes, yes, I did at the Rain Dance Festival and you gave me such sweet advice.

And I said, like, I need to be very clear. The person who gave you advice wasn't me. And she sent me a photo of the guy. Please let me see this. Yeah, that guy. So she sent me that. I know. So then I said to my wife, I go, what do you think? And she goes, same eyes. Right. So I was like, OK. So then I said to I said to the girl, I going this. I need to be crystal clear with you. Did this dude try to fuck you? Because if he did, I'm going to be honest.

As a dad of daughters, I hate this motherfucker. By the way, I hate him if he's trying to fuck people with my name anyway. But either way. Call me up. Let's double team her. I'm kidding. But as it turned, I was like, I had that feeling of like, this shit could get dark. Yeah. She said, no. She goes, he was really sweet and he bought top shelf booze for all of us. And he really cared about all of our relationships.

So I was like, all right, this shit's funny. So then I found out his friend owns a Viagra company called Mango. So I go, what? So she goes, yeah, they were giving free mango out. So I got on Instagram. I found Mango. I found the guy. I had a photo of him. So I sent this guy, Jacob Cohen, who runs Mango, a photo. His name is Jake, too. Yes. And I said, hey, bud, I know you were with a guy pretending to be me. I have proof of it.

I know you guys didn't try to fuck anybody. I know you're not creeps. Let's have this fun. But I need fake Jake's info. And I posted things on Instagram like, fake Jake, I'm coming for you. I need to talk to you, bud. We have to have this chat. And he wrote back like, I promise you it's nothing dark. Here's his info. So I contact the guy and I say like, hey, man, I'm not coming after you. I'm not that guy. I'm not setting you up for me and Gareth to kill you. We're going to be nice. But just come on the show and let's figure this out.

So fake Jake comes on the podcast. We do a whole thing. We're here to help, which is, you know, call what we're helping me figure this out. So we have a mom. We do the thing. We didn't have to run that by anybody. It's just a two off. That's not the structure of our show. We go right back to calls. Had I pitched that, and I know this because I had a company at 20th century for five years. I had a production company. I've developed movies, TV shows. I've done all that. As soon as I pitched that people go,

Here's the problem with it. The fake Jake is not your premise. You're right. But we just want to give the audience this and I think they're going to like it. And I think the audience is smart enough to then realize it's just a two off. And they were. And that was when my beginning went like, if I had to pitch this, it dies. But if I just give it to the audience, we'll see. And if people don't like calls, we started doing too much shit about sex.

we started seeing our numbers go down and a bunch of people were writing in like hey man i'm a mother with a young kid grossing me out and even my wife went like i'm doing dishes like hearing about an orgy is gross we went like it's really funny to me but let's cool back a little bit the numbers went up the way i look at life especially with my marriage and i think sometimes i go too far too far north on it but like

I'm in a weird relationship. I'm a weird person because I wasn't a big sex guy to begin with. I am a sex guy. I love sex. Quick question for you. If I'm talking out of school, cut it. But I don't think I am. Actually, I know I'm not. You're never talking out of school. So now that you're doing testosterone, does it change that? My dick's hard all the time. Is it? Yeah. It's hard when it shouldn't be hard. God damn it. As a matter of fact, we have a hard time.

Cut it if this makes you uncomfortable We have a hard time cuz my dick will be hard, but I won't be I will have an orgasm And I'm that's never happened to me Call it the other night. I hope this isn't streaming downstairs Leanne called it like the other night She was like no I know where we're going with this and this will be like an hour of

Because it just is hard. It's hard all the fucking time. And what's your goal? Where are you getting with your body? Just to cum. No. What's the goal, Bernie? Because you're changing physically. Oh. Are you going to try to be six-pack guy? I would love to. I remember hearing people say to me a lot in my life, if I lost weight, I wouldn't be funny anymore. I don't think that's... By the way, I think...

I never thought I was funny to begin with. I don't know what you're talking about. At least I'm in shape now. If you're telling me it was my belly, I'll gain it back. Happily. I would... I don't... I'm still fat. Like, if I take my shirt off, I'm still like... I'm still 230 pounds and still overweight. I would love...

To be in shape and feel that only because of health benefits of like it feels good It does feel to get out of a couch. Yeah, like to swiftly get out of a couch or two like today I was doing knees to chest like things and it felt good to have full range of motion and

That all that feels good. I just want to feel good like it's my same thing with drinking It's like it's like I don't want to quit drinking, but I definitely want to measure it so that I can keep drinking That's what my buddy Steve Berge said he does sweet guy does a podcast called high strangeness and he's my old party buddy Yeah, and he said to me with drinking he was like because I had a period when I moved out water we rented a house and

And all of a sudden, a bunch of Hollywood was coming to the TG bar with me. And my house, my backyard became like the center. And I would make big fire pits and we were drinking like crazy. It was early New Girl. I love it. I love it. You got money. And by the way, your demographic is all fucking chicks who are like,

He gets us. - Well, I mean, sadly, the people I'm talking about were not like chicks coming over. It was like young director dudes. - That's still cool as shit. - It was, but different. - It's like being around, being around. - What you started pitching was different. - I would argue in a pivot that I would rather be around creatives than hot chicks. - Same with me. So, and guess what? Here's the best, when it's both.

When you've got like- There's hot chicks that are creative? 100%. So what we were starting to form in that Atwater is people who weren't blowing up yet, but were further along than me. And what was happening is we were meeting at the TG, then we were walking to my house in the backyard, having a fire, smoking joints, and partying all night.

- Fucking dreams scenario. - It was really a fun era. And this was right at the beginning of New Girl, right after Pay Part. There was a few movies that I was doing where I was like, anybody I would meet, it's kind of what you guys do with podcasts, which I'm now trying to copy. You meet somebody, you like them, you bring them into the fold. But we were just doing that just now. - By the way, I can't take credit for any of that, nor can any podcaster. Joe Rogan gets entire credit for that because he was the first one to say, we're all on the same team. - Which is really cool.

Dude, when comedy goes down in history, Joe Rogan's name will be

Right next to Rodney Dangerfields as a dude who brought young comics up. Yeah, that's neat. It's true. But keep going, Atwater Village. But so I had a moment where what I was doing was I was drinking a ton of Stoli because you're partying with everybody. And I was on TV, so I couldn't get too fat. And then what I would realize is when everybody left and I'm putting the fire out, you know, you're smoking the last joint of the night, I had this great realization. And that was, if I just go to bed now,

I'm getting the spins. I'm crashing on a couch. I feel like shit. Tomorrow's terrible. I take one bad minute. I barf in my backyard. In the morning, the coons eat it, man. You don't even see it.

So my thought was one bad minute for a full day. And guess what? I'm drunk. I can live through a bad minute. Yeah. I mean, it's the equivalent of you getting butt fucked, right? Yeah. Put me in the bad minute and let me vacation with that dude. And let me enjoy it. Yeah, let me enjoy it. I probably will. I heard prostate exams or orgasms are pretty intense. Prostate exams? No, prostate. I've been Googling prostate orgasms. Have you had a prostate exam yet? Yeah. Yeah.

yeah no i had a colonoscopy you had a colonoscopy but i did the ps i did the ps i'm really nervous about that oh don't really don't you don't have it that's the whole thing i mean this to anyone who's nervous yeah really my dad didn't get his first one until he was like 65 yeah that's when you're nervous interesting yeah if you're shitting blood if you're shitting blood that's when you're nervous interesting if you get it that's the

The thing about doctors, God damn it, I want to get back to the subject we were talking about. The thing about doctors that should relax you if you're listening and you're nervous about getting a cardiologist or getting a prostate exam or getting a colonoscopy is that if you don't have any signs right now, you can stop at all.

You can stop it all. Everything's fixable. Everything's fucking fixable. You want to hear something scary, Bert? You want to hear something scary? God damn it. Please tell me I'm wrong. Go ahead. No, I don't know if you're wrong. A buddy of mine, one of my kids have their best friends. There's a little gang that we've grown up with. So these five little girls, three of them are two. I know them all like little cousins. The dad over there is a brain surgeon. We used to share a backyard. We cut a hole in the fence. The kids all grew up together. Love those little kids. So get really close with the parents.

He and I were talking one day and having a couple of drinks and he had a rough day at work or whatever. And he goes, you know, the fifth leading cause of death in America. And I go, no. And he goes, checking into the hospital. Have a great night. Thank you guys so much for having me. Self-reliance, January 12th on Hulu. We're here to help anywhere you can get your podcast. And guess what? We're on YouTube too. And TikTok. How scary is that?

You want to know why? Infections. And you know why else? Mistakes. Because guess what? You know who's operating on you, Birdo? Who's opening your chest? A guy who drank too much the night before. Because these are not robots, my guy. These are just fucking goobers, man. Who studied facts. My dad just got out of surgery like four hours ago. Oh, wow. And his nerve block didn't take. So how was the pain? He goes...

Are you serious? They gave me a brand new hip and I didn't have any painkillers in me. I can't. Honestly, it scares me so bad. My dad, before he passed, I had a moment where I was having like a urinary tract infection or something and I was really scared. And I go, Dad, I think what they have to do is put a camera up my dick hole. And he's like, okay. Because he had had cancer. He's like,

I understand what you're going through. You're panicking. I'm like, not panicking. I might just be willing to die from this. I would rather die from this. I've done that with tooth problems. Keep going. I would rather die than check this out. And he gave me great advice. And he said, whenever you go to any sort of doctor, you tell them, I have a high tolerance to drugs and a low tolerance to pain. And I did it.

I did it with a dentist. They said I had to get something ripped out in the back and I gave the croco, that's my dad's nickname, his thing. They drugged me to a level where I was like, hmm, America's great. Plus coming down, I'm like, I really love my country. I think I like it here.

And I was like, oh, that works. So that's my only saving grace. My only saving other thing I think about when I get older, when diseases start, I started doing jujitsu. And the reason I started doing jujitsu is not because I like it or because I'm good at it because I'm bad at it. And I got hurt literally by stretching. That's a sad truth reality. I have taken a month off because I got hurt literally doing a role, not fighting people.

But we are about to enter the phase where we're going to have to start fighting some real stuff. Yeah. And we better be tough. Old people are the toughest motherfuckers on planet Earth because they fight it. They're fighting break broken hips.

you'll see a 78 year 80 year old person you'll see them you'll see them all fragile and you're like you're fucking tougher than me if you're still on planet earth and you're in your mid-eighths the shit you've dealt with where they're like couldn't take a dump it turned into a rock i had to pull it out with my hands i'm like pass i'd rather die these guys do that they call that wednesday i could i'd rather die i don't know i don't know

I don't know if there was like a calendar where God could point to it and go, that's the day you should die. Agreed. Everything after that really sucks. I listened to this great podcast about, I think it was either, it was Heavyweight, which was an awesome podcast, about somebody who went to Sweden and had a, you know, it was Alzheimer's or dementia, knew it was going to happen. So they just went out there and they found a doctor who ended their life. And it was from the wife's point of view.

And it was the whole story of it, hysterically crying, as sweet as it gets, and the greatest ending. The guy, she said, he was such a chatter. He talked to everybody all the time and was really asking questions. And minutes before he died, he's asking the nurses where he'd be like, so where'd you go to high school, honey?

And she's like, and then all of a sudden he got a little tired. He's like, oh, I got to lay down. And he's like, well, one last question. He's like, so you're telling me that's the best coffee shop in town? And she goes, then he laid down and closed his eyes and died. And I thought like, oh. That's the way to go. Again, self-reliance. That's the way to go. That is the way to go. I said to Leanne the other day, I kind of want to go fighting an animal.

No, you don't. I do. I'll tell you why. No, because I heard. No. Why? I saw footage today, actually, of two tigers killing a version of a wild pig. Its intestines had been ripped out. No, no, no, no, no. But it hadn't died yet. Okay, maybe I was wrong. So if you fight an animal, they don't go like this.

Before we eat this chubby stomach and these thighs full of meat, let's make sure he's not suffering. They go like this. We got this, motherfucker. Your insides are ripped. You're going like this. No! And they'll do what they want to you. I just think I don't know if I want to sit with it.

for a few years. - I don't wanna slow it down. - I don't know if I wanna sit with it or if it just happens to me. And I think in my delusional brain, I got this. - Yeah, agreed. - And then realize, fuck, is that my lower half swimming over there? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Like I don't know, I think about death way too much. - Me too. - I think about it every morning. - Me too, constantly. - Every morning I think about it. - So do you think with your new longevity stuff,

What do you see about that? Because for a lot of people who aren't doing that, who don't have those guys, myself included, what does that mean? What is this guy doing for you? What's he helping with? They take Ways to Wells, my company that I work with out of Austin. I'll say it too. If you guys want Ways to Wells out of Austin. Shout out to Brigham. Shout out to Brigham. Brigham has hit me up and he's like, I feel like I'm going to be a part of that.

I feel weird talking about you on podcasts, but I want to celebrate your success. But, you know, I don't, I don't, you know, I guess it's a weird thing to have a longevity doctor. Unless it works, man. But what they do is, I remember when I sat with, I wish I knew her, I remembered her name, but when I sat with my first intake doctor who she'd given me an interview, some stem cells, she'd done everything for me. Um,

And she said, I'm just here to take a look at your numbers and write those numbers. So we're going to take a look at what you've got and then fix those numbers. So we're going to take a look at, she goes, you know, I know your lifestyle. I know what you do. So let's try to just level you out. And the number one thing, the reason I went with them is my cardiologist said,

Are your testosterone is low? Do you know that testosterone repairs your liver and I said I didn't and he said well You should know that they said and keto is like the best thing for your liver and so those two things for me and and and I think also at the same time I wanted I knew and I know better now having had conversations with people in my life that have shared things with me that I didn't know were happening

I know now how out of control I was. Like I didn't know, you don't know when you're out of control. You really just feel like I'm getting shit done. I was making a ton of money. Things were working. Everyone was working. It was like we're finally fucking doing it. That thing is happening. Yeah, the only thing I regret, I regret, and this is a weird subtle regret, but I regret my podcast presence from March of 2003 to like,

July. You said 2003? 2023. Okay. To July 2023 because I was rolling in hot to everything. Meaning what? Meaning like I was, I had days, every day was a 10 hour, 12 hour day of

press, activities. And so I don't think I ever put thought into anything I ever said. And I would just roll in fucking booze in. It's hot. And I'd get up at 6 in the morning, I'd work out, and I would often be drunk from my night before when I worked out. And I would just be like,

Fucking shoot testosterone workout. Fucking, I was like, I thought I was on it. And I look back at myself, and I remember one interview which I thought was brilliant. I really did think it was like fun as fucking shit. It was with Joe DeRosa and Salvo Cano.

And I look back and I realize I can see it. Not only do I know if you can see it, but I can see how out of control I was. And I think that was actually even before this. But like I can just see this guy that was like on a freight train. And I know this from having conversations with my family who said I was just, I was not listening to anyone I had blinders on. For me, it was like make, I had this thing, make hay while the sun shines.

People are buying tickets to shows. Go, go, go. You got a special remote. You got a movie remote. You got a TV remote. And it was like everything was like this. And now I look back and I go, I wish I had been a tad bit more present in those interviews. Because I don't like – I remember Andrew Schultz and I did a podcast and I –

Uh, and he brought a clown out. I'm afraid of clowns and my reaction is so over the top But that's where my nerves were at the time My nerves were so frayed from everything that when a clown walked in the room I lost it. I lost it bad And I I look back and I now I feel like i'd be a little more present I'd be a little freaked out, but I wouldn't be that freaked out, but I was just so gone. I was gone and and and uh

I had a great conversation with my daughter this past weekend about that. And I was like, I don't think I realized...

Like just how hard I was pushing it. And so I think now I'm trying to like get a little, but the whole thing about the longevity doctor was like they got me to a place where that when I kind of had grounding after fully loaded, I got grounded. And when I started getting in shape, all of a sudden everything righted itself. Like everything fucking went to normal. Like everything. My bloating went away. My sleep, my heart rate dropped. My heart rate was like 72 beats per

Per minute my resting heart rate and now it's like 55 and I look at that and I go wow You got to find out about heartbeats and here I am burning it trying to make money still. I mean, that's not like there's moments So I had when I was it when my wife was pregnant with my daughters I had a moment where it was they were she was about four months pregnant as that new girl and I used to drink at work I used to have a thing that after 6:00 p.m. Remember the Goonies? Yeah

Up here is their time, but down here, down here is our time. I always felt once the sun went down and you were at work, I always kind of thought, but now it's our time. So I used to always have a full bar in my trailer.

And any guest star coming in, you know, it wasn't a cast that drank a lot, but guest stars I could get kind of partying a little bit. Nothing crazy, but just have a drink or two. Fucking the best. The best. Also, if you're doing improv and you're comedy, who cares? If you're able to do your job, it's fun. But I had a camera B operator, this guy Paul, came up to me one day and goes, and he and I had talked. He had told me about his childhood. I had told him about mine. My dad's drink was Stoli. I was drinking Stoli. And he said, if your daughters were born right now and your wife is four months pregnant,

what's the first thing they would smell? And on my breath was Stoli and I thought no one knew because I had mints. So I went like, mints, mints, and he went like, it'd be the first thing they knew of their dad, huh? And I had that great, like, that was my longevity thing where I went like, and that ended the Atwater world where I'm like, I'm a degenerate. Fucking stop. So then I do like a hard 10 months.

Where you're like, fucking tighten up, motherfucker, because you're now on a path where you're out of control and you don't know it. That's it. You never know it. You never know it. Not while you're in it, but you need either a doctor or fucking a good friend or somebody who's not afraid to piss you off. I had Tom. I mean, I look at the podcast we did when he moved to Austin. Yeah. And like when we first moved to Austin, I look at them and I'm sure they were fun or whatever, but like-

I was really out of control and Tom would tell me that privately and on air. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And I just wouldn't hear it. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're in it. - I was like, and I was so bloated. I look at pictures of my face. - For a while. - And it's like really like, and I was like, I remember thinking I don't look that bad. - Yeah, and it's fine, it's fucking good. So going back to the Atwater stories, the way that kind of ended was, so what I used to do was I would take the bad minute and I'd barf in my yard, but then I was able to go to work.

And I'm like, hey, man, I just did a fucking Hyundai commercial. Yeah. Things are pretty good. You know how much they paid for one day? Yeah. Then that night, you're partying. And my buddy Steve Berg said, you're going at a pace that's faster than I think you can handle. And you're going to go at a pace where that when we're older, we can't get a beer together.

And he goes, just make sure, motherfucker, that when we're 50 or 60 and we get together, we can get a six-pack of IPA and enjoy the night and you're not in some program. And I remember thinking, fuck you, dude. But it's right. That's been my target. I don't want to stop this. I don't ever want to be at a place where I can't drink around people because it makes them uncomfortable.

Totally. So I felt like I had to show everyone. I can stop. I can slow down. I had to show to myself, really. Because the thing was, when you stop drinking, no one notices. Only you notice. And then I had to do a period of time where I was like, but even a month. I used to do a month all the time. We used to do months for Sober October. But it's got to be longer than a month. I agree. Because you really have to sit in it. You have to sit in it to a place where you go, I don't know when I'll drink again. Yeah, I think that's right. And then you have to get to a place where when people go,

Are you drinking? You say no. For real, you mean it. And then they go, how long? You go, I don't know. Like there's a lot of like benchmarks. Because there's not some arbitrary dates. Yeah. And so. Agreed. But when it comes to like being skinny, I don't know. Like I'm really concerned about what I'll wear for my next special. Because I don't wear a shirt. Right. But I feel like I've always worn jeans and sneakers. And I don't want it to look identical. Black leather pants. I so badly want to do black.

- Black leather cowboy hat, boots. - We almost did. - White gloves. Do it, Bert. You can do it, Bert. And a Chippendales choker. You can do it. Do it. - But by the way. - Urines. Eyeliner. - I love that we're on the same page when it comes to partying. 'Cause the thing is, you gotta earn the right to be able to drink on a Monday.

I think you're totally right. Listen, everyone gets... You're not wrong, man. For example, tonight, we both know we have that event. I had a podcast this morning. I had Kimmel yesterday. This morning, I was keeping my head together. When I was leaving today, I go like,

I know Bert's going to drink. Now, I got a last second thing saying it was going to be two bears. I don't know Tom, but I do know you. So I'm like, I don't know if Tom drinks, but I know Bert and I can. And this is the beginning of my evening. So then I got that excited. I got that endorphin rush. I'm like, okay, fine. So this is how my day worked. I said to myself, I hadn't drank. I've been drinking like 15 days. And I said, my favorite thing is a day buzzer.

I love a day buzz. It's the best. I'm going to have a cigar outside after this. I can't fucking wait. It's my favorite thing in the world. Agreed. And I love a day buzz that bleeds into a night buzz. Same. I love to let it fall out a little bit and catch it again. I love all of that. That's why I got healthy was so that I could keep doing that. So it doesn't have to stop, man. And so today I was working out with Nomi and I told her I was...

doing a podcast with you. And she said, oh, I can't wait to hear that. And I said, yeah. She goes, are you guys going to drink? And I went,

I don't know, but I'm up for it. There's very few times that I say I'm up for it. I'm sorry that I'm coming back to this thing that you brought up, but I was on the plane with George and Isla and Leanne the other night. We were flying from Salt Lake City to LA. It was in a snowstorm. It was bad turbulence. I always drink on planes. I always drink on planes. I was going to drink. Isla and George knew I was going to drink. Leanne knew I was going to drink. It was going to happen.

Georgia had said she wanted a soup and she was going to college the next day and I knew I Didn't want to be hungover for her leaving to college I didn't want to big and I wanted to be present when we landed so that I could go get the stuff to make Her soup for the morning. And so I said, okay, am I gonna am I gonna am I gonna? Pay the bill to pay the tax tomorrow or should I just pay the bill in the tax now and sit in this uncomfortable flight and

- But make sure the other shit works. - But know that all the other shit works. And I said, I had to say to my daughters, and I have to say this out loud because I'd be disingenuous if I didn't. I had to say to them, in a car ride from Burbank to our house, I said,

Have to I have to give you guys credit for being as open and honest as you were with me during fully loaded and as out of control as I got and all your concerns I have to be honest that those conversations helped me get to a place where I did not drink on the plane I Didn't do it not for you guys, but for you guys tomorrow not to see me drink right so that I can be present tomorrow It's like those little conversations. I'll tell you so I'll tell you the weird the hardest one I have is not alcohol. It's weed and

Really? And I don't talk about it a lot. So I like alcohol. I don't count weed as a drug. I love weed. Weed is so my favorite. It is such a sweet lover. It is. It's the best. When you talk about a day buzz with alcohol, it's fun. You know what's better? One hit when you wake up. You know what makes me happy as a human? When I wake up and I go...

On Saturday, I said I was going to smoke weed all day. No, here's what happened to me. And I haven't fixed it. I'm still in it. So I've been a stoner since I was 14. When I first met weed, I think I was 13 years old at my friend David Shane's basement who had like a crazy Panamanian mom who partied with us. I would argue basements are the gateway to drugs. Yeah, they're everything. Basements are the gateway to drugs and getting fingered. Yes. No, fingering, Bert.

Nobody fingered you, right? Fingering. That was the first time I fingered a chick. When was the first time you got fingered, my king? No, I've been fingered once. I've been fingered a couple times. Who was your first fingering? I had an Asian guy one time. He was a doctor. He was a doctor.

The first time I fingered a chick. How's my prostate? Who knows? The first time I fingered a chick, I just put it in like I was taking her temperature. I just left it there like, hey, is this good for both of us? And then last night in the hot tub, I realized how many times I had aggressively fingered a chick, not realizing there's pleasure for her down there. Just I'd be like, wham, wham, wham. I did that, right? We're out. Killed it. Can't wait to tell my friends about this. Killed it. Start up the station wagon, Sal. I got a story for you.

God damn it. Weed. So weed. So when I first smoked it, we were listening to Bob Marley smoking a bong. And I remember as the first moment, I'm like, whatever this is, is better than a Heineken. Right? This is that shit. Weed is a she, I think. And she is so sweet. Alcohol is a he. Alcohol is for sure a he. Weed is the love of your life.

But they're bad for you. No, not weed. Well, here's what, so at least for me. So here's what happened to me. So I met weed, fell in love. She's so sweet. So, and also gave me everything I needed. Yeah. Also creatively fun.

Also, school, smoking pot during school and like freshman year of high school, fun. Weed's a good giggler. Like as a best friend that giggles at you and goes, that is crazy. But also what I think about weed is I don't view weed as silly. I view weed as the friend who goes, yeah, man, but have you ever thought of? Yeah. And you go like, I never thought of that.

Thank you for that amazing perspective. Never in a million years did I ever think of putting swim flippers on a dog. But it does make sense how fucking fast would a dog paddle. So it's the greatest love of your life. Yeah. And it always has been for me. Yeah. Then I booked New Girls.

Right? Which was the childhood dream. I always wanted to be on TV. When I grew up and we were watching Cheers or Roseanne and the family all got together, we had one TV. And my mom was mad. Every once in a while she would cut the cord. We watched too much. No TV. Then we'd buy another TV. TV. And if you could all watch it together and you could be happy. In Cheers we all were happy. I used to say, I want to be in that fucking box, man. I'll do anything to be in that box. And then all of a sudden, I'm on set.

And I'm there. It's happening. There's like a real Hollywood studio. I'd look up and I'd be like, weird, man. And they're beautiful people. That's the other thing that blew me away is like beautiful people. I'd see people on TV and then you'd work with them and you'd be like, I'm standing next to this person. Yeah, there's nice looking people. As well as big guest stars. The Rob Reiners of the world coming in. And you're like, wow, man, Rob Reiner's here. But I had a thing where, because I was still smoking a lot of pot. Max Greenfield was sober. Lamorne was pretty tight. Zoe's pretty tight.

These motherfuckers were getting monologues burnt and were word perfect.

And then I would come in from an improv background, an old fat boy was chubby with his dialogue. And they would go like, yeah, it's really funny, Jake. Can you say these lines? And I'd be like, which ones specifically? And they're like, the ones written. And I realized like when I smoke weed, I'm worse at memorizing. I'm not worse as an actor. I'm fine in a scene if I'm allowed to put my own spin on it.

But if they say, we need a technical actor, turn on this line because the camera's going to move. And on this word, you need to be facing here and then say that line and we want to push in on you. So these last three lines, we're going to do a slow push in. But we don't want to cut from here. And I go like, super cool shot. I agree with the shot. And then the night before, I'd smoked like a huge joint to sleep. I'm like, I'm not going to be able to pull it off. My God. Yeah.

So I had to quit then. And since 2013, I'm in this dance where I'll stop for a while. And going back to longevity, something that's a really embarrassing thing to admit. And I've told my wife this and she's been like, this is why I hate you. And I think you're a weirdo. The only thing I'd be excited about, about getting like a sickness and being like a mentor in a fight every damn smoke and lead.

Because once you get sick and you're fighting, that shit's a medicine now. Now I'm going Rastafarian. This is from the earth. Ja gave it to us, right? Oh, buddy. I'm eating it as oils. I'm eating it as cookies. I've had a legit fucking unhealthy relationship with weed. You have? Oh. When did? When I stopped drinking. Oh, yeah. I wasn't sober. I was like- Smoking so much. Dude, for me, I could take-

Two hits, three hits of shout out to Bloom. They make a great vape pen. Very healthy. And I would take two or three hits and I would feel it kick. And the feeling of the kick would be a sideways smile where I go, wait, we still need keys to start cars? What a day. What a feeling. For the best part of weed, and I've said this before,

But the best part of weed is like you smoke, you're feeling loose, you're having fun, you're giggling, you enjoy root beer. - Yeah, yeah. You enjoy cooking? - Yeah. - You enjoy cleaning? - Oh, cleaning. I clean the garage. I cleaned by when I dropped off when we flew in the other day. I smoked weed to make that soup. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the soup, by the way, all of a sudden you go, "Turn that up. What is that, the Eagles?" - Dude. - No music has ever sounded better. Man, blast that shit.

It's the number one thing on my fucking playlist right now. The Eagles? We just went and saw them live. Oh, the Eagles are killing it. My brother and I went and saw Chicago and Vegas. I landed. I landed. Hold on one second. I landed. I have no fucking glasses on. I landed. You're going to have to edit this out or do whatever you guys have to do. I landed. Everyone goes to sleep. I run to Ralph's. I get all the ingredients to make soup. I then turn on.

Yes. You know what? The thing about you, Bert, is I'm getting show bumps, buddy, and I'm getting fucked up tonight. You know what I just realized about you, man? Which I like you a lot. I like you a lot. I mean, you're a very likable guy. I told Gareth after, I'm like, so nice, the most likable guy in the world. So when I went to the University of Iowa, there was a guy named David Soren who I grew up with. And I was not in the fraternity world.

So I never did. I've always been independent. It's always been my thing. I've never understood the idea of being in a group. So when I did improv, UCB was around, but I didn't want to be in it. I didn't want to go to McManus Bar and hang out with them. I always liked independence. So that's why stand-up never worked. I never understood the idea of being in a group. But my buddy David Soren, who I grew up with, was like, I'm in a fraternity. And he goes, we're doing a thing called Russian. I know you're not going to join.

you're a prick. You have got your stupid opinions that are wrong. Just come and pretend you are. Nobody believes it. Nobody cares. Just party with us. And I remember being like, I love Dave. I grew up with him. He was just the best. And we would go to his fraternity at University of Iowa and

We would get to his room. There'd be some random guy. We would smoke a bong. We would start partying and then he'd be like, they're getting steaks delivered. And I remember thinking like, this is so fun. Yeah. The thing about you that you have in spades, listening to you, listening to the Eagle is you're a fucking fun guy, man. And I gotta say, I'm not a guy who over compliments. I'm not a kiss ass guy. I'm just not.

But I think your gift, my mother growing up used to say we have gifts from God, right? And that gave us confidence. So each of my brother had a gift from God. My sister had a gift from God. We all had gifts. Your gift, man, that like whatever talent is that matters,

You're so likable and fun, Bert. And it's such a great trait. I just, when you were doing that music, I was 20 years old. I had just ripped a bong and it was on top of me. I didn't know the five other guys here. And I felt like they seemed fine, but that's my buddy. And when you were going, I'm like, we're going to have a hell of a next season. We're going to order Papa John's. We're going to let this shit rip. It's going to be a really fun Wednesday. Yeah.

And that's an amazing trait, man. God bless you, bird. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad I'm here, too. And I was thinking about this while we were doing this. I'm like, we're just having a great day. It's a chat. It's a bar chat. And I go, there's about 13 people working, watching this, being like, when does it end? By the way, I was going to kill this and pour another one. Here's the deal. We haven't even called Damon Wayans Jr. yet. Let's call Damon. What time do we have? Oh, really? Do we have a hard out? I don't have a hard out.

Oh, good. Do you have a hard out? No. Do you want to call Damon? Absolutely not. Yes. Yes. Can we FaceTime him? I'm going to try. Come on, Damon. Answer the phone. Don Henley wrote that song in a car with a drug dealer. Do you think I'll know who I am when I see him? Yes. I'm red. I just got makeup before I start these. He's going to be like, who is this? He's got six kids. He has six kids? Yeah. They fucking just broke up. Does Wayne's family not know how to pull out?

Did he answer? Not yet. Come on, Damon. I love when I see connecting. Oh, Damon. No. He'll FaceTime back. That's how FaceTimes work. Once they see you FaceTime. Yeah. Wait, who in my list do you want to FaceTime? Who do we got? I love FaceTiming. I FaceTime. I only FaceTime. You do? Is that true? Yeah. Do you cold FaceTime? Yeah, all the time. I got an embarrassing one. Who? So I worked with Olivia Munn on New Girl. She came on.

Great. I almost worked with Libby Munn once. I mean as good as it gets really fun obviously shockingly attractive Really fun to work with Shot not shockingly attractive Amazingly in person. So this is a true story and I if you put me in a corner here I'm gonna seem like a pervo, but I swear to God I didn't do it. Don't worry. I'll perv you keep going. I

I have butt FaceTimed her twice past midnight, Bert. I swear on my life I didn't do it, but I've seen in the morning where I'm like, Olivia M. FaceTime going out. It's happened twice. So that poor girl at about 12.45 was like,

fat fucking weirdo what the fuck and didn't answer twice and then i had to text and say like sorry the saving grace of olivia not not saving grace she's a great talent and whatever she has a great talent for real yes but that she fell in love with john mulaney makes her in my opinion everybody a chance like no maybe that's it maybe that's it but not not me but like i

I go, she gets it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She gets it. Olivia Munn's a killer. Don't forget she- The Saving Grace about John Mulaney? Saving Grace about John Mulaney? Yeah.

the reason John Mulaney's sexy, right? This is going back to the beginning of this podcast. Yeah. John Mulaney's sexy because in college all he did was snort coke and listen to Steely Dan. Is that not the hottest dude in town? But that no one will get until he's rich and he gets, I fucking love John Mulaney. Yeah, yeah. I love John Mulaney. I love, like there's a sexiness to Pete Davidson that I can't describe, but it's

But it's I don't have it. I like the same thing you say about likability. Yeah, maybe I don't I like those guys so I can't really testify to that but they have a sexiness a Harrison Ford about them right where you they're dangerous, but they're still fun to watch like I fucking love those dudes and

You think of those guys like a Harrison Ford? In comedy. Oh, in comedy. I can't like Bill Burr's got a Harrison Ford to him. Rogan's got a Harrison Ford to him. No way. Tommy's got a Harrison Ford to him. No way. In comedy. They're dangerous. They're dangerous. I'm more like a Tom Selleck. I like to do the work. I like to show up. Hold on. If you tell me not to say something, I probably won't say it. What made Harrison Ford so great as an actor?

was he was this three-dimensional guy who was real, who was hanging out with Chewbacca. He was a badass. He could do Indiana Jones. He was cool, but also funny. Yeah, but the thing is, they wanted to offer Han Solo to Tom Selleck first. Is this true? Yeah, they wanted to offer. And then Harrison was doing all the table. I talked, sorry, Mark. I don't know if this is common knowledge. Please. Please.

Mark Hamill told me. Please, just do it. They wanted to offer his hair to Tom Selleck. Tom Selleck was who they wanted. Tom Selleck was going to be Han Solo? Yeah. Don't cut this out.

Self-reliance. We're here to help wherever you get podcasts. They wanted Tom Selleck. Really? Harrison was just a carpenter. He was doing table reads with everyone as a favor. Were you ever in the table read circuit? I did. Me too? A couple table reads. That's why I got offered the movie we were telling you.

Fuck. Yeah, same with me. That's the gag. So he was a carpenter? Couldn't be cooler. Just did a bunch of table reads with everyone. I think he table read as Luke Skywalker. He table read as... This is what I mean. That's cool. And then after doing all the table reads, they were like, I don't know, there's something... I'm paraphrasing Mark. I apologize, Mark. I was drunk when you told it. You were not. But you're giving your version. I'm giving my version. And...

And they wanted Tom Selleck. He was like fucking gorgeous. Agreed. Magnum P.I. was a killer. There's something a little laced up about Tom Selleck. And there's something really unlaced. I feel weird putting myself in the Tom Selleck group because I do think, obviously, clearly, I talk reckless as fuck.

And I don't think Tom LaSalle would. So we used to do a thing with my group of friends where we would always try to compare ourselves to basketball players as we came up as actors. Okay. Oh, I love this so much. I'm never going to be able to say who I am. Why not? Who do you think you are? I'm already going Allen Iverson, but I'm not. Because I loved Allen Iverson. No, who do you actually, in terms of the NBA, because I got a guy who I see myself as.

Who's a guy in the NBA who you would compare? Because we would always do, are you on a 10-day contract? Are you in the league? If you're in the league. I'm in the league. So then who are you? I'm in the league, but I'm undervalued.

Because people also bullshit and they'll go like this, Michael Jordan. And you go, not your ego, motherfucker. Who are you actually in the game? Who are you in terms of the league? You got real killers, man. And you can go ego crazy. But what's beauty about the game is there's a lot of talent. And as long as you're playing, it's great. Call Tommy and find out who he is. Because I'm curious now. I think Tommy's in Japan. I'd probably be a foreign player. Keep going. I'd be a Serb. Keep going. I'd probably play Tony Koukos.

Like someone who you go... Mine's Andres Nocioni, the old bowl player. For real? Yeah. Undrafted, a little bit older, finds a way to figure out, help the team win. Like I would be probably a Serb who none of the guys were cool with when he got to the team because he got overpaid. And none of the people thought he was worth it. Understood. But then like in the playoffs, they were like... He had a big game. He had a couple big games. He really does deliver. Yeah, yeah, he had a big game. Man, he fucking rebounds like a motherfucker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's really good at...

Tom didn't answer. God, fucking FaceTimes are shit today. I would probably be like, I say Tony Kukoc. I think he's probably too good. I'd be Vladi Divac. So if you were a basketball player, Burt, what's your natural position on a team? I'm not. Oh, I can tell you. And what do you do to help the team win? Because I know what I do.

And I know what I am as a baseball player. This is going to sound super ego-driven. That's what we're doing, Bert. We're on a podcast talking with 15 people in the room watching us. If we're in therapy, and I'm being very honest, I am someone, I'm a lineman. In football, I'm a lineman. You don't know that it's important that I played the part

And I think sometimes I deceive you because I talk shit to other players. And I fucking grandstand. Warren Sapp? No, no, no, no, no. Not defensive lineman. I'm an offensive lineman. A guard or a tackle? A guard. I'm definitely a guard. You're on the inside. No credit. No credit. But I do think there are people that value what I do. When they see me push. I don't see you as a guard. Really? No. And I'll tell you why. And I don't mean this as a bad thing.

I think your gap, which is fun to watch, is that it's big and it's showy and that it's in your face. I like the ripping off the shirt. I like. So here's a funny story. This is real. So we did your podcast, the Something's Burning. Yeah. A couple of days later, I had a Q&A at a college where they were paying me a nice chip to go talk to some college students up in somewhere. I can't even remember right now, which is embarrassing. Yeah.

But it was a nice chunk of change. And a buddy of mine who says, "I'll drive you up." I was like, "I'll give you a few hundred bucks. Let's make a day of it." We went up there, got Mexican food. Then I'm going on stage. My thought beforehand, 'cause his name is Brian Farrell, my buddy. He's a fan of yours. And so he's like-- - Shout out to Brian Farrell. - Shout out to Beans Farrell, South Pasadena series. So we thought, let's do, we were beforehand, we were like, we had one too many, I had one too many margaritas at the time. And we're like, we got an hour. And then as a joke, we were doing bits.

And he's like, so how do you do these? Well, I'm not a stand-up. I'm an actor, whatever the fuck that means. I'm a podcaster, whatever that means. So I'm going to go sit down and whatever the host does,

I'm going to follow their lead. We're going to do the outward. I'm going to hope to entertain. But it was a huge, it was a packed theater. You know, there was two levels. And then as a joke, we said like, what would Bert do? And I said, I might rip my goddamn shirt off. And we laughed and I didn't have the guts to rip my shirt off, but I came out there and did the huge energy from the start and it helped. And the audience found, I was going like, come on. And then at one point the guy was suddenly, he's like, you and Zoe have a classic kiss. And I thought of you.

And I was like, yeah, we do. And he said, can you tell us about that? Well, I didn't have a funny story. The story is we kissed on set. Tongue? No. Zoe. She's a pro. But what Zoe did, and this is the real story. Tell her, Zoe, don't work with me. I'm going for tongue. She would pass. Oh, well, you'll find out the hard way that I don't. Congratulations. I'd be like, that was awkward.

Where was your tongue? She's like, in my mouth. And my lips were black and your great tongue. Wait, is she married to one of the Property Brothers? Jonathan, yeah. I'm sorry. By the way, as sweet as it gets. Yeah, no, I met her. She's a very sweet person. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I said that. But, so the story is, in real life, she said, you know, kiss me hard. Someone said that to me.

But what I liked about it, because I went like, you know, we were co-stars. We're buddies. Yeah. So she's like, don't be a fucking sissy. Grab me and kiss me. So I did. And the scene played big. Yeah. Right. So that's the story. That's a fine story. People would go like this. I was thinking of you. And the guy goes, what's the story? And I go, you want to see? And I kissed a dude on stage. And the crowd went nuts. So what I like about you and the reason why I say I like you, it's not bullshit for me. I've given you a lot of thought. Yeah.

It was just like, well, that's big energy. That's not a guard to me. That's a wide receiver. That's a, a, a,

athletic tight end that's a defensive end okay maybe i'm a tight end because i don't mind going over the middle yes and you don't go over you don't mind you don't mind scoring some touchdowns you have a funny dance can i meet you might do commentary on sundays when you retire immediately i talked to an actor one time about kissing a a very famous person and he said what you said yeah it's i think that's what you're supposed to say in the in the business is uh you

Yeah, I'd be Rob Gronkowski. Thank you, guys. I'm definitely Rob Gronkowski. By the way, I was going there, but I didn't want to say it. You would for sure be. Now then, who's your Tom Brady? It's Tommy. Tommy.

Tommy's been my Tom Brady the whole time. I fucking lean on him, and he's younger than me. But that's a beautiful thing, man. Dude, I'll take Tommy as my Tom Brady all day fucking long. But that makes sense. Because you as a Rob Gronkowski, I'm like, you can block. You can make some big catches, man. I do. I do make big catches. But ultimately, don't have me host New Year's Eve.

Or have you host New Year's Eve? As soon as you said that, I overshare. And they asked me what it was like kissing. Because I talk to actors about kissing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And everyone gave me your answer. And I was like, that can't be real. Because you're kissing. The great actor David Walton, who was on New Girl. I love the guy. He played a doctor somebody. But he's the best. He gave me a great quote. And he says, before a scene starts, I'm sorry if I do and I'm sorry if I don't.

Damon Wayans Jr. Damon Wayans Jr. What's up, sir? It's Bert Kreischer. Nigga, I know. Hey, man. I hate to... Are you by yourself or with your family? I'm solo. What's up? Okay. I'm sitting with your buddy. Oh, hi, Damon. Hi.

Hi, Damon. Hey, so first of all, I don't know if you remember me accosting you at Jack Jr.'s Club when I told you fucking Let's Be Cops is one of my favorite movies ever. No, I don't remember that. It was before I was famous. Hey, man, we have a question, and I'm drunk. Not we, you. I have a question.

So when British actors, black British actors come over and play black Americans and they do a black American accent, does it bother you a little bit? Me? Personally, no. Okay. If they can pull it off. If they can pull it off. What about the ones that can't pull it off? Like the ones that all sound like Denzel Washington? Those, yeah. Yeah, those.

Have you ever had a British actor come up to you and run his lines to you as a black guy to you? I haven't. Would you find it offensive if a black guy came up to you from Britain and he's like, oh, it's such a pleasure working with you. So let me ask you a question. It's birthday and not birthday, correct? Rock Wilder, right? Yeah.

Dude, I am such a fucking fan. I'm such a fan of yours, but I have to say your whole fucking lineage, everyone is a fuck... Like, listening to your dad, honestly, he's my fucking goat. Hey, real quick, and we can edit this out. What did you think about the Cal Williams interview? Let it rip, David. What'd you think? I thought it was like...

His most recent special, that shit was hilarious. Yeah, his last one, he shouldn't have talked about Jacksonville for 15 minutes and talked about Kevin Hart. We lost him. There he is. Hey, buddy, please open in, but I'd love to have you on my podcast, have you on Two Bears. You are fucking awesome. I'm a fan, man. I do it with James.

Great. We'll have you and Jake. Anytime. Anytime. We'll have you guys come on. We'll have you come on Birdcast. We'll have a drinking podcast. I love it. By the way, I love the interior of his car. For sure. He's cutting in and out. Fancy. Hey, let's see if we get him before he disconnects. All right. Hey, thank you very much, man. Oh, yeah. I will say about Damon, until we did Let's Be Cops together. So good. Such a good premise.

For everyone that doesn't know, I have to say, let me pitch it. Two dudes who are losers in life have to figure out a Halloween costume. And I think you roll in and you go, let's be cops. And you guys dress as cops. And then you find out how much fun it is to be dressed as cops. Yes, and it happens. It's such a fucking great premise. So Damon, as a dude, as fun to work with, as funny as it gets. I'm blown away that he knows who I am.

Like, you understand his dad's like, yeah, his dad's like, yeah, his dad. Yeah. When his dad talked about him and his family, that was like a way I saw life different. I was like, oh, you don't have to just talk about the edgy shit. You talk about your life. I agree. So a funny thing about him, though, is when my wife was pregnant, we were doing let's be cops. And I said, he's like, you're so tight, you're nervous. And he had kids already. And he said, no matter what you do, your kids are going to hate you for something.

And then he said, second, don't use your kids for material.

And I said, why? And he goes, my dad told a story. And he told this on our podcast because Damon's come on. And he said, he told a story about how I used to pretend it like I used to masturbate all the time. But pretend to like be like, hey, I'm going to go eat some spaghetti and go in my room and masturbate. And he goes, and it was a good joke my dad made. And he goes, until I was at school and I was hitting on some girl. And she goes, but are you the spaghetti guy? And I was like.

Oh. I wish we could put that toothpaste back in the tube. Yes. I have done my whole life on my children. Yeah. My whole... I just the other day realized, oh, I've shared everything in their life that they've ever thought... Everything that was silly, but they've made me a lot of money. Hey, guys, great podcast. Yeah.

You've made them a lot of money. Look, they can go to college and they're probably going to be fine. Buddy, I fucking love you. I feel the same way, Burt. I fucking love you. And I'm so glad to become friends with you. I will tell you, I'll give you an insight to how tonight will work. I'll probably be a little drunk and jealous that you're talking to other people because that's how I work. Tommy knows that. Tommy knows that. Tommy knows me. So you know what I'd like you to do? What's that? Because you said earlier, I'm not going to make the night about me.

Right? Yeah. What I said earlier is I like to be a number two. So what I would love you to do is turn this into the Bert show. I truly mean it. Shirt's coming off. I would appreciate. I'm going to shower. I'm going to tell you how I do things as when it's mine. And it's not fun. I'm a homebody. So I'll go. I'll say my eyes. I'm going to do the press. I'm going to try to get and take photos. I got a bunch of different friends coming. Yeah. We're going to do the thing. Who's coming? Anyone famous?

I mean, Anna will be there. I think Sandberg will be there. The movie people will be there. By the way, we found this out. I'm actually a huge Andy Sandberg fan. Yeah, yeah. I just didn't watch Reno 911. Yeah.

Was he on Reno 911? Or 911, whatever. Brooklyn 911. Brooklyn 911. But what I would like you to do is turn it into the Burt Show, and I mean that sincerely. If you come in, so everybody I've told, I go, if you're going to smoke weed, smoke weed inside. So I had a big thing where Hulu came to me and said this. They said, we would like to do a big premiere, and then we'd like to do a party. So I've been in this game now for 10 years.

Those premieres are industry premieres. And you now know this because you've done it. It sucks. And the audience is the audience of business. Then the party is close to the theater. So it's the wrong venue. So where I sit and I go, fuck the premiere. Send everybody a link. This is a Hulu movie. Everyone's watching at home. I go, you know where I want the party? The bar where the movie takes place.

So you know where we go to? No, shut the fuck up. That's where we're doing. Shut the fuck up. All I thought about watching the movie was I want to go to that bar. That's where you're going tonight. And I go, you know what I want? A mariachi band.

So I go, all the money you would have spent, turn it into a fucking party. Have the press walking around. I go, small red carpet. But I go, if people are going to come out on whatever night tonight, it's a Tuesday. I go, allow them to fucking party. I go, don't put it in some bad place near a theater downtown. All right, real quick. We're at La Sita tonight. Let's, let's, I'm so fucking excited for this. Let's put some frame of reference on how tonight's going to work. So we, Andy Samberg,

I'm good with him Kendrick with him. Yeah, Kendrick Lamar. No. Oh, no, okay, Anna Kendrick Anna Kendrick I'm gonna need you to like before I meet her. Yeah, I just give her some groundwork just so that I don't she knows I might freak her out Who else? Okay, hold on. Yeah, hold on. Hold on old guy Chris Lloyd. No, no

I don't know. I don't think he's going to be there. I mean, but when you say old guy. No, the old guy you hung out with in the movie. Oh, Biff? Yeah. Oh, for sure Biff's coming. Yes. Okay. Yes. Okay. Sisters? Eduardo Franco's going to be there. Sisters? Of course they're going to be there. Ninja? Shh. Eduardo Franco's going to be there. Ninja? Shh.

Yeah, Eduardo's going to be there. Is that his name, Eduardo Franco? Eduardo Franco from Stranger Things. Mary Holland, Emily Hampshire. The cast is all going to be there. Okay, good. I'm not positive about Chris Lloyd. He's, I get it, I get it, I get it. But then we're going to have some randoms. It'll be fun. Okay, so I'm bad with names also. Who cares? No, but you just, if there's someone. No, because I am too, Bert.

And I get in bad moments. So I've forgotten cousins. I might have to bring Victoria so she can point people out. You know what I would really like you to do tonight, Bert? Cotty would be fucking amazing. Oh my God, my sister. Can I get a plus on three? Plus two?

Cotty would be fucking amazing. I think Cotty represents the movie. Hold on. Damon wrote back, running lines with a black British guy doing an American accent is funny as hell. I'm in a bad area, but definitely down to do a show whenever.

I'm the only one that dies on this hill. And I've died on this hill before. But I just, as a dude, I just find it to be weird. Like when you hear British guys do white accents back to you, it's kind of fucking rude. Like when they go, oh, I'd like a cheeseburger. And you're like, that's not how we sound. Here's what I'll say about that guy, Daniel. Daniel Sloss? Daniel Kaluuya from Get Up.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm dyslexic, so I don't confidently say last names. How hard is it to be African and dyslexic? I'm not African. That's the hardest Christine's ever laughed. I don't know. But I didn't work with him.

So when we do Spider-Verse, we're not together. He was in Get Out. Yes, but we just met at a Q&A the other night. Yeah. So I reach out to him after the thing and talk about the screening to give that dude credit. We don't know each other. We met one night. We were in one restaurant talking. Yeah. Me, him, Jason Schwartzman, Chris Miller, Phil Lord, we're all talking. Jason Schwartzman, the dude from the thing? Rushmore? Yeah. Best. Dude, you should have Schwartzman on.

Oh, I love. Is he like a fun dude? See, those guys, they get the Hollywood landscape. Jason Schwartzman's a killer. So I got a quick story for you. So I get a call about doing a short film in Iceland about two astronauts about really based off NASA used to use Iceland to test the moon.

So I go, it's some Norwegian production company. There's no money, but it's four days in Iceland. And I'm like, huh? And they go, your co-star is Jason Schwartzman. I've never met him. I'm in. Well, that's what I was kind of, I was nervous. And I was like, I hope he's fucking cool because I'm in because I'm a fan.

We get on the plane. I get on the airport. I get on the plane. I see him. We just wave casually, but not saying I'm like, fuck, I was hoping we were going to like drink and party. We didn't. Yeah. I'm looking over at him. He's reading a lot. I'm like, oh shit. He reads. Yeah. We get off the plane. I'm like, fuck, I'm in Iceland, you know, by myself. We connect and I go like, hey man, I'm really excited to work with you. I'm a big fan. He's like, me too. I'm excited. And I go,

I would like to partner up and just have a buddy thing. And he's like, 100%. Dude, Bert, we turned it into a honeymoon. We would make lists of what he wanted to do. I'm like, I'm really into architecture. He's like, I got to say, you're not going to like it. I'm a little into shopping. And I was like, honey, whatever you want. You're into shopping? Yes, we filled our days. We would go to adventures. And I was like, when we left, I was like, I'm.

a little in love with you i love that you're putting a face on people i thought were just entities he's the sweetest oh i love jason schwarzman now he i love shopping do you know who he'd love tom segura he's a shopper

Shoppers are hilarious. Secret time. Keep this in the podcast. Tom Segura goes to Aspen and doesn't ski. He just shops? He just shops. What are you talking about? He just shops. I can't wrap my head around shopping. He shops so much that he outgrows shopped clothes and has to give them away to his poors. He is a shopping. That's all he does. He's addicted to shopping. Dude, he loves shopping. He buys you stuff he shopped for that he doesn't use.

He is such a shopper that is like gross. Oh, it is. I'm I'm a I'm a yes, I'm an architecture I'm not a library guy, but like but so so mine would be we'd walk up and down the streets Yeah, we check stuff out and then he would be like now we're gonna look at some knickknacks I had a funny wonder if I'd want to shop for the things he wanted to shop for I want to I want to shop at sneakers and Rolexes now He likes like everything he just likes Approaching stores and shopping buddy. I gotta say though. I

As lovely, and I use that term, and that's the right term, as lovely as it gets. Where I'm like, I left that and I got home and I said to my wife, she's like, how was it? The problem with the short for me was I'm 5'10 and a half. They made an astronaut suit that was 5'10. So the problem was it's a little small. So it's pushing fucking down and it's hurting the shoulders. And you don't want to be that asshole who's like,

I know you spent all the money on this, but it doesn't fit my body. So I'm trying to have a good attitude, but I'm like, you're tearing apart my shoulders. That's why they lose me. Boy, they lost me. That's why they lose me. But what are you going to do? You're there, and the director is sweet. Oh, you go temper tantrums the entire time and talk to your producer. That's what I do. That's what they did when they put blood on me. I just had meltdowns to kale independently, and I was like, I have tactile issues. How are you going to put this on me before lunch? I can't eat lunch. That was a fucking nightmare. I'm an unfortunate person.

Whatever needs to happen happens. I can dissociate and go. It's not great. But the problem is my shoulder was fucked up. It sucked. And then I would start getting in a head space that wasn't great. And I would look over at Jason and he'd be like, and I'm like, you are the light of Iceland. And to this day, we saw each other the other night. I'm like, we did this thing. And every time I see him, I'm like, he's one of those guys, you know, when you go to those events, you each have your own car. He just jumps in my car.

where I'm like, thanks for jumping in because by the way, I love that guy because thanks. So like if you and I are doing anything, we can say hi, let's just jump in the same car. I'd rather talk to you than be alone. I'd rather sit in the car. So he just comes in with me and then he's like, we don't need the other one. And I'm like, thank you for being that guy. I wish I was cool enough to be that guy. Hollywood represent that person. That makes a fucking. He's the best. The guy that you fucking assume is this high bar celebrity that no one can touch. The best. Just relatable. The best. I'm too relatable.

Buddy, your movie is awesome. Thanks, man. I hope everyone watches it on Hulu. It is fucking awesome. I'm so excited for the party tonight. Me too. I really am. I really am. But more than that, I really value...

the connection we've had. I'm being serious. - Same, same man. - It means a lot to me. - Same, me too. - And it means a lot and I can tell it because we were a big fan of the Minks. Me and my wife watched the whole thing. And we reached out to you and the woman who played-- - Jess Lowe. - Jess Lowe. - Yes, who I love. - Leigh-Anne had Jess Lowe on the podcast. - Oh, you did? - Leigh-Anne did. Leigh-Anne had Jess Lowe on the podcast. - Oh, Jess is a killer. - And they said we might be able to get Jake.

And I said I might geek out in front of him because I love that show so much. Oh, thanks. I loved it too. And the fact, and then this is, I don't know if you'll still relate to this, but the fact that you came into this house today and I didn't, and that I saw you as a person is like, I know that sounds crazy insane, but it means a lot because I am impressed by shit I see. I don't know if I'll ever see TC and not see him as a fucking TC. Yeah, totally right. But like,

It means a lot to me, and thank you for inviting us tonight to your premiere party. Thanks for coming, man. It means a lot. And let's get a workout in. Let's do another workout. I'm into it. Let's do it. And everyone needs to check out your podcast with Gareth Reynolds, who I will say, I have to say this, Gareth Reynolds,

is hands down, and everyone on my tour bus knows this, the funniest human in the world. He's as fast as it gets. And your podcast is- We're here to help. We're here to help. They take in calls. I've been on it. You've got Damon Wayans Jr. on it. Yeah, anybody who we know comes on. And I say we do a broadcast with Damon Wayans Jr. and get fucking lit. By the way, I'm in. By the way, I love him. He's really hard to get to socialize. I would love to drink with Damon. But if we do it,

I need you to pressure him to drink. Because what he'll do is he'll be cool and he'll be like, no, no, no.

He's always working on a six pack. If you bully him. First thing we'll do is we'll get a car service to take him here. Yes, agreed. And that's how it starts. I would love to do a podcast with you, me, and Damon. He and I text every day. My kids and his kids. So he and I have a thing where we're always, our stupid bit is we're in love with each other. So anything that happens, we're going to leave our wives for one another. And then now that we have a bunch of kids, we've changed it. So now my kids will write to him. They'll do videos where they'll be like, leave my daddy alone.

And then his kids will be like, Jake, my daddy doesn't love you. He loves my wife. And then we refer to our wives as the tunas. And so now the, the wives get involved and be like, stop texting my husband. So we have this big thing. We don't sit and have drinks together. The idea of doing it with you and Damon would be a perfect night. Christine, we make that happen. Hey,

Congratulations. Thanks, buddy. Appreciate you. See you tonight. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes top of the other, wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.