Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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Welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave. Today's topics, the situation in Ukraine. The market continues to go down and there's no better person to discuss real world issues with than my regular co-host Bert Kreischer. But he is

is at fat camp and so as he continues to try to lose 150 pounds we have an incredible fill in this guy you've seen him on cnn you've seen him on fox news you've seen him on pbs you've seen him on 60 minutes it's kyle dunnigan everybody yeah thanks for my credits i'm not even 150 pounds so he he would lose more than i am how much do you weigh i'm really light

I haven't weighed myself in a couple months, but like I'm about buck 40. Dude. Yeah. What's that like?

It's good for jumping. I bet you can run like the wind, right? I can run pretty fast. Girls can pick me up. That's kind of hot. Yeah, they think it's hot. Do you ever hook up with a chick who's significantly... Yeah. Really? Like a six-footer? Yeah, I did. How was that? It's a little weird, but... Do you kind of like it, though? I have to change... My kink has to be baby. I'm a baby. Yeah, yeah. What's wrong with that? Yeah.

Nothing. And then, yeah, you get like a diaper and that kind of thing. A little patsy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, it feels like a different species when a woman's like that much bigger than me. Well, sometimes, like, I remember I did a show one time, and after the show, there was a woman in the lobby. She was 6'4".

And somebody was like, oh, yeah, she plays for Team USA Volleyball. And I looked at her like she was a sculpture in a museum. I went up there and I was like, just admired her. I was like, Jesus Christ. She was also super feminine. She wasn't... Right. You can be like, that's beautiful, but you don't sexualize them because it's just like a different species. It's a species, yeah. Women love tall, too. They like men to be tall more than ever. I know. It's like sometimes it's people's...

Like their bio. Don't talk to me if you're not... You know what I mean? Yeah, I'm on dating apps. It's like, under 5'10", don't bother. Don't bother. Don't bother, ouch. Which is crazy, I think, because it's always been a thing where I go... Yeah, most men, like we go... Well, I dated a girl that was 5 feet tall. Yeah. And I dated a girl that was 6 feet tall. And what you'll find is you'll just like somebody...

For who they are. You're going to vibe with... You don't go into it being like, she's only five feet. No. Yeah. I tell them that. I say, eventually I get hot after a while. Yeah. And they just don't believe me. Are you dating now? I go on dates and it's not been good. Why? Well...

I, I, it might be like, I'm definitely the common denominator, but I don't think I'm weird. I think I'm doing a good job on the dates. Okay. But there's a lot of, well, you gotta pay for the thing, which is fine. Yeah. Um, because women like pay for their, you know, hair and stuff. Right. And that's expensive. And I'm like, um, that's cool. Yeah. But then sometimes this one girl came and, you know, just like,

like ragged armpit hair. And it's like, if we're doing the, I'm a man, you're a woman, you got to do the woman thing. We're doing it. You know what I mean? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So that, and then I don't know, I find, um, I think it's like really hard for people to go on dates. It's just a lot of pressure. And then you, the guy has to, you have to plan the date. Yeah. That's another thing, which I don't do stuff like I don't. So I'm presenting like,

This is who I am not. Right away, for a month, I'm like, oh, you want to go wine tasting? No. It's not me. I don't do that. But so isn't it better? Because that's what we all... Everybody who's been on a date knows what you're talking about, which is you're presenting who you think...

Yeah. And then after a month, you gotta go, he's dead. Yeah, yeah. You'll never see him again. I don't drink wine. No. What the fuck is wrong with you? I do like to drink on a first date, but I don't really drink much. Just to loosen it up. Yeah, but that also feels like a stance. It's better than coffee.

Oh, yeah. Don't take someone for coffee. Everyone's got to shit. Everyone has to start shitting. Yeah. The worst date is a movie date because you don't know them. And you walk in and for two hours you're together and you don't know each other. And you walk out and hours have gone by and you're still strangers and something in your brain goes like, no. Movie date's a bad idea. I've been with this person too long. I saw the Amy Winehouse movie with this girl that I really liked. Date one?

It was our second date. Okay. And it was just such a bummer. We both walked out depressed. It was like, hey. That doesn't end well, that Amy Winehouse story. I just saw this guy. He was on our show once. And I was like, what do you like to do on a date? He's like, oh, you know, a girl comes over. And we just watch a movie, just chill. I was like, yeah, that's pretty cool. I go, do you have a favorite movie?

And he goes, yeah. And he goes, I like, like, it was some Sandler movie. Like, one of the. Jack and Jill. One of, like, the Happy Madison movies. And he goes, or he goes, my other one, my other go-to is Dallas Buyers Club. And I was like, the AIDS movie? He was like, yeah, it's a great movie. I was like, that's your first date movie? He was like, sometimes. That's insane, dude. So crazy. Does he have them just come over right away for a date?

come over and... He's not 100% okay. Okay. Yeah, I don't know. I, um...

I do the thing. I ask questions and I do the thing. I talked about them. This one girl goes, I let her pick a restaurant, pick the most expensive restaurant. She did? In Los Angeles. That's pretty crazy. And I was like, okay. And then she's talking about herself. Didn't ask me any. Hour and a half goes by and it became interesting. She never, she doesn't know anything about me. And then she goes, I love Portland, blah, blah. And I was just in Portland. I go, I was just in Portland. And she just went right over it. Yeah, Portland.

awkward pause. That's awkward to not go, oh, how was my favorite city? Yeah. It was weird. But that's such a... I mean, it sucks you had to spend the money to figure it out, but it's such a good way to be like, yeah, I'll never see this person again. Also, pretty... I'm down...

You know, I think you're the man, you pay for the first date, but for the person to go, let me pick the most expensive place as a first date is... Rude. It's pretty, it's kind of, yeah. That's bold. Very. What about this thing when you hook up, you know, and then like a bunch of months go by...

And they go, hey, let's go check out whatever, a movie. And you haven't seen her since you hooked up? Yeah. And then you go and you pay for the movie. And then after, she's like, hey, let's get dinner. And then you pay for dinner. And then she's like, bye. You've had that? That seems like, huh. It's like if we're friends. Yeah. That's like half. Friends, then you should go half. Half. Yeah. I don't know. And you had hooked up months before. Yeah. You know who you are. You know who you are. Just, you know. Yeah. Yeah.

Fucking Venmo him. I would love that. That'd be awesome if right after this comes out, he just goes, ding. That might happen. That'd be awesome. Well, that's a shitty thing to do. That's a shitty thing to do. Unless you're feeling sick or something. I guess. Let me tell everybody, because right now, as of this moment, Kill or Be Killed is out now. It's on Netflix. It's a special episode of Kill Tony. We were both...

at that and participated in yes we did some way i participated in sitting there and like they were just like counts yeah they were like just don't i don't know just react yeah yeah watch the show i was like okay yeah um yeah so we just sit on stage and then it was and you'll see if you go check this out

It was so funny. It was one of the funniest fucking, like, night's fever dream of a show. It was so crazy. Again, you can see it. It's on Netflix. And obviously, Kill Tony comes out every Monday. It's always a fun ride of craziness. But I feel like it was also, because this is a special event where it's, like, the first time it's going on Netflix, it was in...

It was. Yeah. Of like, especially with characters. Right. Cause like the show has, you know, uh, they're kind of their regulars that do their time. And then these bucket pools were like random open micers basically are kind of getting to try. And the, and it was a full rate. You get the full range of like, Hey, that was impressive. Oh my God, that was terrible. And some funny things in between. But like Shane was Trump. Um,

Adam Ray did Biden and Dr. Phil. And you did Elon Musk and RFK Jr. Dude, it was some of the funniest shit I've ever seen. I started the show in the balcony. I was just watching from the balcony. And I was told that you were doing Elon. I was like, oh, I wonder what this will be like.

And it was so fucking funny to watch you do these quirks and mannerisms. Yeah, the shoulder roll. The shoulder roll, his accent, and the stammering. So, yeah, yeah. And his laugh is like, I almost pass out. It's so much air to do his laugh. It's like a major. It's pretty cool. Yeah.

Yeah, that whole night was really fun. And the best, what added so much to it was like, A, I was like, I don't know that I've seen someone do an Elon. Yeah. And you had like the hat and like you had an outfit. I think you were wearing. It was crazy. It was crazy. You had a crazy. Yeah, he looks crazy.

But also the fact that you were sitting next to Rogan and you were like, this is my good friend. Good friend. Best friend. Yeah, I had gotten, because I look nothing. He was so uncomfortable. It looked like he didn't know what to do. I know. I know. I felt bad, but it was so funny. It was amazing.

I look nothing like Elon Musk. Nothing. I look the opposite. Like, I have a long neck. He has no neck. I have a peanut face. He has a watermelon. Yeah. And so I had to get a prosthetic just to look. But it came out crazy. I looked... Yeah. I mean, that with the hat, that was you. That was... You were there wearing the hat and everything. Yeah, but the... No, I know. The face. I look like Fat Bastard from Austin Powers. Yeah. It was insane. But...

Yeah, I don't know how it turned out. I thank you for saying it was good. I was just out of my mind. Oh my God, dude. I think so many people, too, were like, they didn't know. You were nailing it. I think a lot of people were like, I don't even know what an Elon Musk impression is. They were just trying to figure it out, but it was...

I was absolutely dying. I'm so glad you were like that. Oh my God. So fun. Do you feel like too? Cause I remember I asked one time, so another comedian who's like really good at, at doing impressions of people. Yeah. I was like, how do you know? He's like, you honestly just try and you either are like, I have it. Right. Or like, I can't do this one. Yeah. You kind of lean into it if you can. And if you can't, you're like, I can't do that one. Yeah. There's some, I just can't do. And some come easy and some are a little bit of work.

But it was just the level of... Like when you go... You were saying it live, you know? It's nerve-wracking, I'm sure. And you go out there and it's live. This is like doing that, but you have no script and go out there. Right. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And there's so much going on. You don't want to interrupt, but you're not... You want to do a thing. And yeah, it's a really...

It's very good, a good workout. Yeah. I mean, like, you know, if you did it like more, you know, you get better and better at it. Oh, my God. If you were doing this like weekly, a couple days a week, like putting on like it would you would just like get into such a crazy zone. Yeah. Because you can't you can't practice that. It's like I sit on my couch. We talked about for months, you know, basically alone. And then it's like, go out and do that. Yeah. And like, oh, the I'm alone a lot.

Dude, I'm alone so much. I'm not kidding. In my dreams, I'm alone. In your dreams? Yeah, like my brain doesn't know. I forgot what company is. And it's like, we're in a field tonight. But do you prefer it? Kind of, yeah. Yeah. What's your favorite? What's the best dating app for you?

I mean, Hinge, I think, might be the best. It's connected to friends or something. So I like to work out before I come to work. And what I do is I work out and then I walk to work. And sometimes when I get here, something's burning or a podcast or two bears is already about to start. And I don't have time to manage my odor the way I'd like to. It's been somewhat of a challenge. And I'm telling you right now, this Cremo stuff, this Cremo deodorant is phenomenal. It provides men with 48 hours of odor protection.

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with the code BEARS, B-E-A-R-S, at BlueNile.com, BlueNile.com. But I do rye every now and then because it's just such a disaster. It's the primo post, though, right? That's the top shelf stuff. Look, I'm not doing well with these apps. Really? I'm there to pay for dinners.

So we got to get you off the apps and into, well, you're alone. So we got to get you into social circles. I've actually, it's funny you said this because I did tell myself that. And so I've signed up for a bunch of, like, too many classes. Like, I have a pickleball league. Really? Yeah, I'm going to do jujitsu, which I shouldn't do jujitsu. That's like a neck thing.

No, do it. Do it. I'm like 30% neck. And that's like the whole thing. It's like neck holds. Is that strangling people? Kind of. And then I got... Yeah, I went to a... Get into one that has chicks in it. No, I did a super beginner. Yeah. Although that's probably a creepy thing. But then like softball I like. You know, it's going to have girls in it. That's a fun one. I like that. Yeah. Softball. But yeah, so I'm pushing myself out there. I'm doing the things. Why don't you go to massage school or something? That seems like a...

And then just what, we rub women? Yeah. And then just be like, oh, I'm interested in like anatomy. So like you just have a good cover story. All right. You know? I'll try that. And be like, oops, did I come? Yeah. Just be fun. Yeah. Yeah. I don't...

I don't go to massage parlors because, you know, they, I don't want, nothing against hand jobs. Right. Like, I don't want that humiliation in my life. Which humiliation? Just like when they're like, you want a happy ending or whatever. You can just go get a regular massage. No, I know, but sometimes you don't know. Like, if I, and I rarely go, but when I go to get a massage, I just try to look like I don't want a hand job. What does that look like? I'll tell you. Tell me. Don't wear a baseball hat.

Cover identity. Just like, yeah. And then be like jolly. Yeah. Hey. Head massage. Yeah. I'm Kyle. Yeah, like that. And then they're like, this guy's a little too. He doesn't want to. You police? Huh? Police? Yeah. Yes. Oh, that's a good another way to do it. Hello, I'm Officer Kyle. I'm here for my appointment. My regular massage. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm getting social. Yeah. Doing some stuff. Making an effort.

But yeah, dating, just when you go, here's a date, it's a lot of pressure, too. When's the last time you had a long-term relationship? So long ago. For real? Yeah. Like seven years. That's how long it's been? This is my girlfriend. It was like seven years ago. We've got to get you a girlfriend. I've dated some. I did this girl. She was so weird. Tell me. She was so weird. What was weird about her? She's a writer. She's a pretty successful writer. Rogue? I don't know what that is. Nicotine? Nicotine.

No, thank you. I'm not sure how I'll behave on that. Okay. So she would... This doesn't go out. No one sees this. Okay. So she...

She'd go in bed, you know what I mean? Yeah. Like, this is... First of all, she was, like, contrarian, okay? So everything you say, like, you go, oh, it's raining out. She'll go, no, it's not, it's drizzling. Oh, right. You'll be like, oh, okay. Yeah, sure, I know. Like, but I'm... Maybe it'll progress into rain. Right. Got it. Right. But my bar is very low, and I'm like, I can handle, like, all these things. But then, like, in the bedroom, like, she would talk about herself, and...

She was verbal, you know, she's a writer. And everything was like verbal and she's like, "I'm in a bar and guys are watching." She wanted me to tell her like guys are watching and stuff like that. And then she would tell me about like a blow job. She would tell me about it. She's like, "I'm on my knees. "I'm in front of you. "I put you in my mouth." Like she's not doing it, but we're, she's right, I'm like, "It's right there."

Isn't that crazy? Wait a minute. This was like her, this is like a kink, like a turn on for her. Are you laying next to each other in bed? We're fully naked making out, yeah. And then she's just whispering to you like, I'm on my knees and your penis is in my mouth. And you're like, great, let's see it. Let's make it happen. Yeah, I'm like. Love the build up. Let's act on that. It's almost like I'm not you right now. And then wait, after that it would just be like, good night?

It happened once. We were never boyfriend and girlfriend for over three months. We went on maybe 10 dates. Did you ever ask her, be like, hey, what the fuck is up with this narration? You know what? No, I didn't. It's insane. It's insane. I mean, here's the thing. I respect it as part of...

like your sex like if she was like one of the things she's into is like doing these descriptions and like but where that's fun would be if you were like here and she was there and she told you over the phone right like can't wait till i get back and you get back and she acts out the things she described to you that's a normal person yeah yeah yeah and then she just never listened to me women don't listen to me i gotta figure out you know what i like anyway

I don't care. Yeah. Even like basic stuff. Like I can't read. I never like learned how to read. Wait, is this for real? No, I can read. But like I'm very slow reader, whatever. I never got tested. But like I took a Spanish class and it's usually like all your D's and B's are backwards. You're dyslexic. Yeah, yeah, something. But I never got tested. But I read like a third grader. And that's one thing she knew about me. And the other thing she knew is like I don't eat dairy. So for my birthday, which is nice, she got me gifts. She got me

A giant book, The Count of Monte Crisco, and a dairy cupcake, which is sort of like a... And the card said, I like you, but I like your dog better, or something like that. The whole thing was like a... Kind of a fuck you. I don't know. Yeah, right? That's a really weird thing. Yeah, she was fun in a weird way. The funny thing about that is that feels like... This feels like a role reversal that you see, where...

I would imagine this story coming from a woman going like, this is how, how little this guy, it's always guys that don't pay attention. Yeah. You know, the guy would be like, here's the dairy. And then the girl goes, I'm fucking, I don't drink dairy. Right. Right. I was the woman. Yeah. And then, but she's oblivious, like not paying attention. Yeah. Which is usually not how it goes. Yeah. She couldn't give a shit. She one time, um, like she gave a shit about one time she gave me a

I took a picture of her, you know? Do you remember that I don't eat dairy? What? I don't give a shit. I don't care. Eat it. You're like, I don't eat this, though. I took a picture of her, and those pictures, she never took a picture of me or us or anything, and she asked me to send me the picture of her. It was a picture of me and her, and she asked me, can you send a picture of me where I look cute? The one I'm alone in? Yes. Yes.

Every time I saw her, something weird, something weird. She doesn't mean weird. That is fucking hilarious. And then did it, was it a natural fizzle out or did you, it was, I did the fake cause she actually had a tough upbringing. I mean, she wrote this book that's like a massive hit and I always felt like, really like 11 million copies. What? Yes. Oh, okay. Yeah.

uh yeah oh so she really is good at the telling us like yeah she's very smart her but she grew up like an occulty kind of thing and had a bad i mean you basically have said her name by now no no no no no one's watching this i know but i mean like the details are all there right i don't think anybody's gonna figure out who grew up like this and sold 11 million copies okay go ahead yeah the 11 million was probably about it i i don't think she watches i think she just reads

She just reads, that's fine We can cut that out Yeah, we can, if you want to Do you want to just tell me her name and then we'll cut that out? Yeah Who is it? Wait, no, really though? Yeah, we'll cut it out I don't believe you No, of course we will I don't believe you We cut shit out every week, man How do we get? No, confirm, we'll cut it out That voice that I didn't even know who that was Oh, the voice that I don't know said it Come on We will cut it out I would not do that to you, dude Why not just tell me after? That's cool Well, just tell me now

That's what I after. That's cool. I'm like trying to figure out, would I get in trouble or is that like... No. I think it would be good for her to know because she needs to... It'd probably be helpful for her. Well, then do you want to say it? Huh? Do you want to say it? No, no, no. Okay. Now you have internet sleuths hunting for this. I know, it's almost worse. I know.

Can we cut the whole thing out? We can cut a lot of it out. We'll cut the whole... We'll just go from, you said, two bears with Kyle. It should be one bear and a twink. Well, how about this? Don't give out her name. What's the name of the book she's in? Super Successful. Okay, okay. That makes sense. And then everyone would have to figure that out. There were so many things that she did that...

Sorry. Every time I saw her, she did something funny. She was funny to me. We went bowling, three couples. And she was like, guys versus girls first. And I'm bad at bowling, but we were all bad. I think the highest score was like a 72. I got like a 59, whatever. I'm not good. Kind of proud of that, not being good at bowling. So then we go, okay, now let's do couples. Can I get a water, please? Thank you.

Go ahead. Do you want one? Or are you good? I have so many drinks. So after the first round of bowling, we go, okay, now let's do couples versus couples. You know, we're on our first date, all meet each other. And she goes, no, he's not very good.

And it wasn't a joke. She wouldn't... I want to compete. Yeah, in bowling, where we're all bad. Which is supposed to be just a fun who cares kind of thing. Who cares? Thanks, buddy. It's not like we're playing for money. But anyway, that made me laugh. So how did the second round go? Did she switch it up? Oh, I fucking strike, spare, strike. I just destroy it. Because then I was like, oh yeah, you want to see?

I'll show you bowling. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Let's talk numbers. Traditional in-person therapy can cost anywhere from $100 to $250 per session, which can add up pretty fast. But with BetterHelp Online Therapy, you can save on average up to 50%

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Yeah. Yeah. But I want to meet I'm going to meet my next person like in person. I just don't go up to people. That's right. I think that's better, dude. I feel so creepy and weird about going up to a strange woman. Yeah. I've never gone up to somebody in my life and gone, hey, I think you're pretty attractive sitting over here in your chair and your thing that you're drinking. I know. Would you like to talk to me?

Yeah. Have you ever done that? I think I have, yeah. I also, but I wasn't good at it, dude. I remember one time I was out and I saw this beautiful woman across the bar. Yeah. And I looked at her and then we made eye contact and then I'm with people and then we look at each other again and everyone with me is like, oh, she's looking at you. And I was just like, yeah, I don't know what to do. And so I looked again and looked at her and I was just like, you know, like really like looking at her, right? Yeah. She's clocking it.

And I still was like, like what we're saying? I'm like, I don't know what to say. So then she came over. She goes, hey, I noticed you're fucking looking at me. Like, do you want to say what's up? And I was like, oh, yeah, what's up? Oh, wow. Like, she totally. Did you end up dating her for a little while? No. Nope. Did you blow it or was she just weird? I think I blew it. I think she was probably normal. Yeah. And I was just too. Yeah.

I had a woman, a friend of mine tell me, yeah, look, just look at him. Don't look creepy, but like look. And if she looks back, then like you talked to her. That was five years ago. It's never happened. I fucking, I'm trying to remember like the only things that have ever worked for me because it's been so long has honestly just been,

not trying to do something just normal conversation like you know what i mean like yeah hi like just literally introducing yourself was like it's sad sound but like it was the thing that led to the best results was just not trying i had a friend who was like one of these guys you see on these like let me show you how to pick up chicks thing and you'd be like oh my god and it would work for him but i think that's his personality like i was with this guy one time at a bar and

And he sees this girl, and I'm like, oh, my God. I stand next to him. He's like, hey, baby. And she's like, hey. She's like, how are you? He goes, a lot better now that I'm talking to you. And I was like, no. And they left together. They just left. I was like, this is insane. I could never put a sentence together like that. It feels really cheesy. It's super cheesy, but it worked for some dudes. I don't think I have the chin to pull that off.

But you can do, hi, this place is weird. Yeah, but I come over like, hi, I'm Kyle. If I come over myself, it's not good. I don't come off manly. You know what I mean? Like that guy in the bar. What's your favorite? Do you have a type of girl you like besides hot? Hot? I like a girl who has a sense of humor. I definitely need that. Like I said, if it's too tall, I kind of don't sexualize. But I'm not picky. What's your max height?

Six. I think I can go six, one. No, that's probably too... Maybe six feet. Six feet. How tall are you? I was 5'9". I don't think I am anymore. I'm shrinking. Shrinking? I'm like 5'8". 5'8 and a half, maybe. Dude, there's plenty of women that fit this category for you. No, but they have to like you back. What are you talking... You're a good-looking guy. You're an entertainer. You're funny. You're charismatic. What's the problem? I appreciate that. Well...

I don't know. I think they have a good time. We go on dates. There's a conversation and laughter. I just might not be their type looks-wise. I mean, I think I... I don't think that's true. I think I peaked at like a six. And it's just... Look, height is very important now. It's become way more important for women. And I think I have a theory that's because it's the only thing we have left that they can't do. You know what I mean? Like we used to kill the buffalo and stuff. Now we're just like...

can reach that dish in the cupboard. Yeah, but you're... Don't focus on height. You're focusing on height too much. No, listen. When I go out, I'm telling you, like... When I go out, I do appear, I think, to have, like, a decent amount of confidence. Yeah. And I...

I do, someone else taught me this. It's actually good advice for guys out there dating. Tell me. It's like you touch the person. Like on the arm. Arm, yeah. Touch. Put your leg, if your leg's there and touching her leg, this is what Nikki Glaser actually technique taught me. Yeah. And they leave their leg there. That means- It's a signal. It's a signal. Yeah. Because some guys are like going for a kiss at the end. But you want to get like,

little signals, watch their body when you touch them. If they recoil, then don't. Of course. Yeah, yeah. They don't teach you that. No. In school. Also, another thing is so many women, I discovered this, were like, they just want the guy to make decisions. A lot of women hate when a guy goes, want to go out Friday? And they're like, sure. And you're like, cool. Where do you want to go? Or what should we do?

Women are attracted a lot of times to decisive men. Men who go like, there's this new show. I want to go check it out. There's this restaurant. I want to try it or I love this place. We're doing this and this.

For a lot of women, that's a turn. Oh, like you're making decisions and I just get to go along with what you picked. Yeah. Yeah. So being decisive is a big thing. I do that. And yeah, I do that in the beginning. Oh, it does get uncomfortable. It does. It does. Right. For me to be like, yeah, there's this really great art exhibit I want to check out.

Yeah. Well, I see it was, it was, I only remember it because it's completely unnatural to me too. I was more like, yeah, fine. Whatever you want to do. Yeah. And they're like, no, no, decide something. Yeah. That's again, like pretending to be someone else when you're not. And then eventually you got to be like, I don't know. I really want to go do that thing.

But I'm taking a break right now, Tom. I'm on a break from dating apps and stuff right now. That's good. You're going to go to jujitsu and strangle some chick and then she's going to be like, fucking A, what's your name? It's going to be all dudes. That's not really the place to... But I think jujitsu is a good thing to do for sleep. I'm having trouble sleeping. Just tire you out? Yeah, I got to get tired. And also, I think the confidence of knowing how to fight, that gives you self-esteem.

Shoulders or back. Yeah. Fuck you up. I can fight. Because I will tell you, I was with a woman one time. We were going down the street and this guy was coming at... Like, got her in his sights. Like a crazy person. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And like...

He's coming at her. And I had to, in my head, calculate, I don't really know this person. Is this worth getting in a huge fight? Do you know what I mean? And it happened like that. And he went up like this around her. And then I felt so bad that, this was years ago, I really didn't, I was like, I should have jumped in front of her and been like a man. But then recently, like a month ago, same situation. Yeah.

And like a guy walks in, started coming at this girl I was walking on the street with. And I like got in front of her and like took her away from the situation. And like she thought that was really hot. Of course. But then I haven't seen her since. What happened that night? We didn't make out. Did she describe a blowjob to you? Yeah, actually, yeah. She described a rim job and a blowjob. You did make out with her though? Yeah. Yeah.

She was all turned on by you being the man. Yeah, it felt very unnatural. I don't feel like we help people out there like a guy who's dating. Yeah, some good advice in there. There's definitely some good advice in there. Yeah. Also, I live alone. And that's that's once you live alone for so long. Yeah, you get used to. I can't imagine your ways. Yeah. Yeah. Someone coming in. What's a typical Kyle day?

Oh, Kyle will get up around like 6 a.m. and go, shit, I only slept three hours. And Kyle will lay in bed for another three hours. Okay. And be like, God damn it, why don't I just get up? You know what I mean? Sure. I'm exhausted, but let's just do that. And then maybe like I'll get like a little bit of work done. I'll go to a coffee shop and I work there a little bit, editing usually. And then talk to a friend.

And then call it a day. Yeah. Are you doing spots a lot? Yeah, I do spots like maybe three days a week in New York. I'm in New York City. You are in New York. I didn't realize that. I moved. I got out of L.A. During pandemic style? Like 2023, a couple years ago. Oh, okay. Yeah, two years ago. But my house was like sliding down a hill and I was like, I got to get... Are you loving New York? Yeah.

I do like it, the weather. I really, yeah. I forgot. I used to live there years ago. What part of the? Park Slope. Brooklyn. Yeah. Brooklyn. It's cool. But yeah, my house in LA, there was this railing. It was on a hill, and there was this steep embankment, and there was a railing, and it came out of the cement. Time to go. Yeah. So then every year, I was there for like seven years, it would move like an inch. Yeah.

there was like two months of rain it moved eight inches down this this thing and i you can't get insurance they won't insure your house yeah it's not held there also no fire insurance you're speaking of editing your ig because the characters are insane dude thank you um and one thing i wonder can we pull up his ig look at that look at that handsome guy look at that handsome guy

There's me and my mother singing. Oh, that's right. Because you would... That's my mother. Wouldn't you fuck... Because I fuck with my mom constantly. But your mom... Oh, my God. Your mom videos are so funny. Yeah, she's singing and my mom's fun. She's also in my Craig videos. I do that. What's going on, you guys? We got... We did... Oh, you did... Isn't this with your mom where she's like... Aren't you doing things where she's like, just fucking stop? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. With my mom, we showed her a screening of my new series. Uh-huh. Dude...

She was like, you can't put this out. It was so great. And she didn't know there was hidden cameras in the screening room. Oh, that's so funny. And she was like, Tom, she goes, you have to tell them no. And I go, what do you mean? It's coming on Netflix. She's like, no, no, no. She's like, give them the money back.

Tell them no. She was just like, she goes, you cannot go any lower than you just did. Like, it's so disgusting. She's like, this is not who you are. That's a great promo for your show. Yeah, they're going to use it to promote it. But she went on and on. She was like, you are disgusting.

She goes, does it just make you happy to be disgusting? And I'm like, yeah, sometimes. She's proud of you, though, right? Gotta be. Yeah, she's proud, but she's also... Disgusted. Disgusted, yeah. She's always like... She'll see some guy tell a nice joke. Yeah. And she's like, why can't you do that? Yeah. Okay. So...

Some of the characters. Let's scroll here. I want to see. Bill Maher. Oh, Bill Maher. You're doing amazing. Now, did I hear, does he not like it? Yeah, I don't know why he had it. He had a problem with me early. This is like, I had not many followers and I had just really innocuous, like him reading to children. It was like, oh, should you eat eggs that are green? Like it was a dumb, like hacky kind of whatever. And then I found out A.J. Benzo was like, he doesn't like your impression. I showed him and he got mad. And I was like, really?

Really? And then he went on Rogan and out of nowhere he goes, you're playing some guy. He was doing a terrible impression of me. They get dragged on me. Yeah. You know, and it's so spot on. Thank you. Thank you. Hear that bill. So then he goes, um, I don't know who he was. I went to Hawaii with him in his private jet. Like he was just trying to shit on me. I'm like, and so after that, then I started making some Bill Maher. I hadn't gang banged in my next video, but I did before that. I wasn't being mean.

He started it. Oh, and then I was in Whole Foods. Yeah. And this lady comes up and goes, I just have to tell you, I was a stewardess on Bill Maher's plane. And I said, do you have you ever seen Kyle Dunnigan's impression of you? And he turned away from me and he wouldn't look at me. And they told me they told me to go the back of the plane and they wouldn't. I didn't get a tip.

What? Like, he hates this impression. A tip? You're supposed to tip him? In a private plane. You tipped the flight attendant? She said she didn't get a tip. So I guess they normally get tips. Okay. You've never tipped. I've never flown. I didn't know you had to do that. I've never flown private. Let's hit this. Let's do this. Okay. Okay.

Calm down. Calm down, people. I know it's exciting to see a big star on your little circus here. No, I'm kidding. I'm a big fan of the show. What was your name again? I'm Tony. Okay, that's our show. Next week, my guests are Benjamin Netanyahu and the Hot Tuba Girl.

Dude, it's terrible. By the way, you didn't do the land acknowledgement. Don't you TikTokers like to do a land acknowledgement before the show? Wait, what does that mean? Well, he brought up the Indian people. You don't know about land acknowledgements? No. Come on. Yeah, you do. Every time you do a show, you're supposed to thank Indians for letting us do it. Yeah, you say this club was situated on the unceded territory of the Chickapacka people or whatever. Dude, it's hilarious, man.

I can't also most people what's interesting to me is if you have a distinct enough like personality level of familiarity celebrity with people and people doing impressions of you it's usually seen as like a flattering thing I know even if you hate it you have to just say yeah I saw it's great just so you don't look like you're it bothers you wow it's funny that it bothers him though I know

You scroll down here. Oh, there's RFK in the middle there. I can't stay too long. I have a German shepherd slow roasting on my grill that I have to tend to. Who's the one with the MS? Who's that? My mama. All right. I want you to do something because I can cure this. All right. Listen. No, I'm being... I want you to cure this. This is dehydrated bat cum. It's got... No, it's... That's all you need to do. Just...

I actually like did, his voice was too low there. He's actually a little bit higher. Yeah. Like I had him a little bit.

You know what's funny is that I really, I guess, RFK Jr. only came into sort of my ecosystem in the last couple of years. And I know that he has a condition, which is why his voice is like that. But I didn't realize, I saw a video of him 20 years ago, and he's speaking in a, I didn't realize it was something that just kind of came up. It just came about? I guess. I thought it was like a lifelong thing. Yeah, I did too, I guess. Yeah, I didn't know he spoke English.

Yeah, he's such a funny, I was so glad when he got accepted into being whatever, the health guy. Yeah, he's head of the FDA now? No, he's head of the, is he Secretary of Health and Human Service? What is he? Yeah, it's called like spasmodic dysphonia.

Oh, yeah, at age 42. Weird. You know what's funny? Because that show killed two of us. Yeah, Health and Human Services Secretary. Two hours long. So I'm talking like this for two hours. Yeah. And I couldn't stop. And I was like, I had a thought like, am I never going to...

Went to bed and I had my voice back. But it was stuck. It stayed there. Yeah, you don't want to do that too long. Yeah, it doesn't seem like it's probably good for the voice. No, it's not very good. It'd be crazy if doing your impression, you induced spasmodic dysphagia. Yeah, I mean, I did for a couple hours after I couldn't stop talking like that. Now, you do a lot of times on IG, you do the face replacement stuff. Yeah, yeah. How do people, how, like, what is the...

How does that work? I just do a... It's like a snap camera or something. They actually canceled it, and someone, a friend of mine, made a server, so it was... So that you could keep doing it? Yeah, but I can't make new ones. I have to figure out if I'm going to do... Because you were doing... I remember you did Kardashians. That's how I started. Like Caitlyn Jenner. Yeah, baby. That was like my first like... Yeah, baby. Wait, so there's... Oh, wait, there's Bill Maher Christmas...

Yeah, I got meaner. This is so his voice!

It's when you take money you worked hard for at a job to give to a black hooker. He likes black hookers. Inside a house that isn't owned by your parents.

I'm sorry, I forgot. Twerking isn't for giving a man a boner. It's for teaching women how to be CEOs. It's exactly him. I mean, you sound 100% like him. Okay, kids. Yeah, his voice is the closest to my natural voice. Yeah, and he has these like... He makes a really loud... Okay. And the way he punches, the inflection goes, the way he goes up and down with it. Okay, people. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm so amazed that it bothers him. I was shocked. Because again, it wasn't even mean the first ones weren't. They got a little meaner. I started bringing up Black Hookers and Gang Bang. Okay, people. Okay, people.

Tune in next week. Dude...

Hey, Bobby! Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-

looks like a penis i love the elon quality of he's it's so peculiar to me he's always been it's so fascinating that somebody who is you can argue he's objectively the most successful person on earth yeah and you go i i guess they're bored of that

Because now it's just like I want to be liked and also be told that I'm funny. Yeah. I don't want to just be like what I have isn't enough. I want people to tell me I'm a genius, tell me I'm cool, and know that I'm funny and cool. It's such a –

an interesting personality. It's very human. I mean, it's like how like a lot of comedians want to be rock stars and rock stars want to be comedians. Everyone wants to be what they're not. Yeah. Cause you don't like value. It probably comes. Yeah. It's really, and he has like an eight year old sense of humor, which is funny. Yeah. Like his car is fart.

That's what an 8-year-old would do. That's pretty cool. Makes a fart sound. My car's flying around Uranus. But it is a really interesting personality. And also, I always am fascinated by someone who has time for bullshit, like the pettiness, where you're like, you know, if you send whatever, enough tweets about Jeff Bezos...

He's never going to respond to you. Carlos Slim's never going to be like, oh, you're making fun of me?

But it gets on Elon's radar, where he'll strike back at someone. I'm like, how are you not too busy? That's what I don't understand, is he tweets so much. If that was my only job, was to tweet, I would be exhausted. And then he's got six more multi-billion dollar companies. Every phone call has got to be an emergency. When you have that many companies, and you're also doing Doge, which he's...

constantly tweeting about that. Yeah. The time management thing is wild of what he's got going on. And I almost don't believe that... And the other weird thing is the amount of fanboys. Yeah. The amount of people who are like... I'm a... Like, their bio line is like, I'm a Elon Musk. I'm like, this is who you're a super fan of? Yep. Just a...

There's super fans and super haters. There's just like both. He, for some reason, like really. He's a very polarizing guy. Yeah, really polarizing. I've never seen. People burning Teslas. Yeah. Insane. I have a little Tesla stock and I have not been happy about it. I wish you would stop Doge soon as possible. That hasn't been good. Tesla stock's been going down. Maybe get some more now.

I mean, yeah, I need some money to put in. I need money to buy some more. Fully leveraged. Yeah. Yeah, these are amazing, dude. Wait, do you do Tim Robbins, too?

No, that guy. Why is that on there? I did his birthday. Oh, my God. I've bombed harder than I've ever bombed my life at Tony Robbins birthday party. He was. Huh? He had like comics performer. He, for some reason, wanted me to perform at his birthday party, which I didn't. I was a big Tony Robbins fan. Yeah. I read like a couple of books when I was younger and I was like, yeah, I want to do that.

But I knew deep down, my subconscious did some calculating. I knew in my gut, like, wait, this is bad. But I was trying to hype myself. Because he's paying more money than I normally get. I don't want to say exactly how much. It's private. The private events are a lot of time. It was like $25,000. I don't want to say. You don't want to say it. But it was like $25,000.

And his handlers did a Zoom call beforehand. Like, this is what Tony wants. You're going to be on big screen and you're going to be Joe Biden. He's going to introduce you. He's going to say, we get the president here and then you'll come up. And I was like, they might think it's actually going to be Joe Biden. I'm a little worried that they're going to be disappointed. Yeah. You know? And they were just like,

This is what Tony wants. There's a cult. This is what Tony wants. There's no discussion here. And I was like, okay. So I went down there and it was just people just jumping up. And it's like 11 at night. That guy Sumners was on before me. Larry Sumners, who was the reason we had that 2008 collapse. I don't know why they keep giving that guy money and power. He was speaking before you? Yeah. But he was getting laughs. And I'm like, oh, this would be good. They're like...

So he goes on an hour and a half and he talks like this. He went for an hour and a half, hour and a half. Now it's like midnight something. Yeah. This guy, I don't know why. And this is at a birthday party. Yeah. His birthday part. It was a weekend of his like, but you know, VIP people. Okay. It was like 300 people in this, he does this amazing studio. And then there's just all these screens of people zooming in from all over the world. Oh my God.

And it's late now. And they've been up since five o'clock, like shark hunting, you know, these retreats that they do, they get them up early and they make them do these insane things to show like, I can do it. Yeah. There that's to see that. Yeah. Yeah.

So beforehand, he comes up to me, his hand is like a giant catcher's mitt, and he's like, give him hell, you little piece of shit. And I was like, oh, thanks, Tony. That's a cool headline. It says, Tony Robbins filmed using N-word. Wait, can we click that real quick? Repeatedly, sorry. Is there a video of this? That'd be awesome. Oh, in the 80s. I mean, I would love to go to this seminar.

yeah. Take control of your, of your emotions. Be who you are. You want to say it? Say it. You are. He's like this. Oh my God. That's so, and it was like, then we're looking at this. He looks young.

The whole room went, "Aaah!" As long as somebody can do that, as long as somebody's called you n****, get that kind of response I see in you right now, when you're ready to explode, then what you've done is given that person absolute control of you. You have no control in your life, you are still a slave. I said, "You are!" Well, you're being enslaved by you and nothing else. And I said, "I'd like to have you be free, because I'm free and I'm white. So why don't you pretend that we're going to get you free right now?" I said, "Just here's the way to do it. Everyone stand up."

I said, "Stand up! Come on, try something with me. Trust me just for a moment. Pretend I'm- " "I get him to stand up, right? Now I'll stand up." I said, "Now you guys just do what I do just for a minute if you really want to be free and if you want some fun. So let's try this." I stood up and I said, "Okay, follow me. Do what I say. Say what I say. Move the way I move." "I'm an- " "Wow, I- "

Then I turn around and say, okay, when I'm done, repeat after me. I'm a honky. You are a honky. I'm a honky. You're a honky. We do this whole thing. They're painting each other. There's one guy who's like the most nonsense walking over this other white guy in the audience. He's going, hey, honky. How you doing? Hey, damn you. They're giving each other hugs. He's getting some good laughs. He's doing great. Yeah. It's his Netflix special. That was a good bit. Sorry. No, I needed to see that. That was pretty cool. We all needed to see that. Yeah.

But yeah, so then there was like all these dancing people jump on stage after Larry Sumner's like, let's get our energy. And, um, there's a big screen in front of me and, uh, I'm, you know, like starting to get really nervous. Cause I deep down, no, you know, like, you know, this is not the right environment. Yeah. Cause they're all, they're all about positivity and, uh,

You know, and I'm doing this sort of, you know, stand-up is kind of sarcastic. And you're doing it, you're just going to come out. Your plan is, I'm Biden? They have a big screen in front of me, like 30 feet tall, and I'm going to be projecting on that. I'm behind it in a desk. And then I'm going to introduce Kyle Dunnigan to round off the show with some stand-up comedy. Yeah. And I have a wig, Tom, on the desk here of Caitlyn Jenner because he wanted me to sing happy birthday to him as Caitlyn Jenner.

So he starts going, are you guys ready for the surprise of your life? You know?

And I'm like, no, no, no. And then he goes, oh, wait. And then he plays a video of him meeting every president since Carter. So it's like they're primed. And they're already murmuring, no way. And then he goes, have I ever disappointed you? And they're like, no, mind pure. And he goes, zooming in from the White House. And the whole place is like, rah. I mean, they just had Larry Sumner's right there. It's not weird that the president zoomed in.

So he goes, I'm not present. I'm not, you're not, Joe Biden. Everyone's like, ah. And then my head comes up with my bad wig and I pop up on the screen and the whole audience goes, like all together. Yeah. Like that. And I was like, hey, it's Tony Bologna's birthday. It turned into dead silence.

And I'm in my head, I'm like, this was like my strongest stuff. It's getting dead silence. What's the rest going to be? So then I was like, now Kyle Dunn again. And I come out and I'm just trying. I had a plan, but like the first thing that works, I'm like, let me jump to the piano. Like I have like a piano song. I didn't work. I'm jumping all around. I don't know where I am in my set. And then I like said a joke that I knew I shouldn't have said like right when I started, but I had to do the time because it was that money, you know?

This was the joke that ended everything. And people started walking out to go to the bathroom and stuff. I did a girl who was 19 years younger than me. Don't judge. I was in college. That's a new experiment. And then a woman goes, that's a child. Yeah, that's the joke. Yeah. Anyway, and then I'd explain that I didn't really do that. And then afterwards, I was wrapping up my shit, trying to get out of there. And I hear him go, did you have a day you'll never forget? Yeah.

And everyone's like, yeah. And he goes, this is a night I'd like to forget. Like talking about, have you ever heard Tony Robbins say anything negative in your life? Did he talk to you after the thing? No, I never saw him again. But anyway, that was painful. I bombed so hard at private events. So hard. Which was the worst one? Do you have like a worst one? I'll tell you the most recent one was like two months ago.

Really? Yeah. I was like, I got booked for this thing. And I remember I always ask now, I'm like, do they know? They see my stuff? Yeah. They know that it's me and they know that I'm not. Because sometimes I realize that a private event goes, oh, I know this person is like a capable comedian. And then when I book them, they'll do stuff differently.

That will be right for us. And I'm like, I'm not doing that. Yeah. I'm just going to put on my show. Yeah. And they're like, they know. They know. And they specifically asked for you. And I'm like, okay. Yeah. And so it was a convention of jewelers. Like a jewelry convention. Do you have a jewelry trunk? Dude, right before I went on. It's in a ballroom. Yeah. And they did a...

Ballrooms are good. Yeah. It's a great environment. Great environment. Nice and bright. Nice and bright. Like a, I don't know, two foot stage. So it's just like a platform. They did an auction and they were auctioning things to support like a children in need fund. And so they were like, how about a three day trip to Iceland?

And no one was bidding. And the lady was like, this is going to help children that are being abused. And she just kept pushing it. And then you would hear things like... Because it's not a real PA system. It's just for the thing. And I was looking and I was like, this is going to be bad, man. This is going to be real bad. And when I got introduced...

They're like, give it up. I walked this long walk from the wings to the center of the room to essentially no applause, which I was like, that's a bad sign. They were just like. They didn't know who you were. And it's always whenever I go like, who'd you have last? They'll name a really clean comic who's really good. And I'm like, well, yeah, but he's good for this environment. Yeah.

or somebody who's like, oh, this person did like George Bush. Like they did a character. And I'm like, sure, that might have been right for this crowd too. And then I got up there and it was, the only thing that got me through the set was turning on them. Like making, like, I'd be like, you guys are the worst. Oh, they started laughing at that? Well, some. And then some of them got more upset, which made it, but it made it more fun for me. Yeah, yeah. I was like, I did a joke and it didn't go well. And I was like, first of all, you are the lowest of the low.

I go, you are below mortgage lenders, predatory mortgage. You're jewelers. You're the absolute lowest people on the totem pole. Wow. And then some of them would like laugh and then some of them would like yell something back. I'd be like, shut up the fuck out of here. You're just like taking African children's blood and tears to sell your shit. I was really worried I wasn't going to get my check. You weren't worried? No. I wasn't worried about that. I was just like, I just kept looking. I was like.

Yeah, I was just trying to muscle my way through it. Could you see the person who booked you, how they were, their face? No. I know that when I was done, the person that booked me talked to my tour manager who was with me. He was like, what the fuck, man? They were like, that was so goddamn vile and all the things that were said. And he was like, well, yeah, that's what you hired. You hired this. But I remember one, the one that I remember stood out was

I was living in California and I did the Irvine Improv. And it was a regular show. It was a good show. After the show, they're like, hey, come meet...

these people. They work with Carson Palmer, who was at the time the quarterback for the Bengals. He played at USC, the California guy. And Carson's having this private event, and they want to have a stand-up host the event and do some time. And they're at the show, but they're seeing a regular show. And they're like, this was great. Yeah. We'd love to have you at the thing. And I'm like, oh, cool. So I go to the event, and it's at a

Like a restaurant, but they shut down this one big room. So people are mingling, right? Let's say 200 plus people are mingling in the room. And then the guy's like, okay, let's start the show. And I was like, cool. Are you going to tell everybody it's time to start the show? And they're like, well, you do that. You're the host. And I'm like, oh, okay. So I go, well, at least introduce me. So in the back of the room, he's like, here's the host for your evening, Tom Segura. It is as if...

And nothing changed. So nobody stopped mingling. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. So I got up there and I was like, all right. And I'm just like waiting for everyone to just like turn and face the stage. Nobody stops. So I just go, hey, here we go. Like, here we go. It's showtime. And it's just like if you're at a bar on a Saturday night and it's just, you know, loud in there. Right. That level of volume. Yeah. So I look at the guy and he looks at me. He's like, well, fucking do it like you do it.

So I fucking, that's good. Yeah. Then you have to be like the enforcer, which is really not funny. Dude, it was, it was insane. There was three people looking at the stage and I just talked to them and I'm like, this isn't, this is so, and I'm just, it's not even like you're bombing. It's like no one, it's like nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. You're in a dream. I'm in a dream. I'm like, so the funny thing is I forgot this part. He was like, oh yeah. So the thing is the event Saturday, Sunday is the golf outing.

Oh, then you have to play golf with everybody? I was like, am I doing that? And they're like, unless... You don't want your track. No, unless something is... Unless Carson hates you or something. There's no way you're not going to that. So we go through this thing. I'm trying to introduce things. No one's listening. At one point I go, all right, now Carson come on stage. Everybody stops like a record stopped. Turns, faces the stage, listens with...

every ounce of their attention they look at him he says his thing gets off stage everybody turns back I get off and I'm like I don't even know what happened right do you feel like like in humiliation or do you like I don't feel it was more that was more you seem like a cool like a person doesn't get rattled like well that was more frustration humiliation is more like when you're trying everyone's listening and you're literally nothing's happening yeah I feel like that's more humiliating where you're like I'm

trying to and they hate me this was like how come nobody will even right right right yeah but i remember i walked there's other bunch of nfl players there and there and i was like recognize i was like hey what's it they go that was rough man that was rough i was like thanks and then i uh i go to the like organizer guy i was like so what time is the uh golf outing tomorrow and he's like we'll let you know

oh man I was like I'm not gonna that guy was like I don't want him even there I don't want them there that guy just fucking ruined our thing they don't think like they think it's like a band like you need to do stand up you have to have people paying attention to every word it's not like music in the background but they go oh comedian that's the thing we'll have there and the crazy thing to that for me was like I was kind of like with the guy like hey man like you have to at least have them look at the stage I'm not gonna wrangle them

Yeah, that's so not funny to be their teacher and then not hear jokes. But it was embarrassing. I had that same, after that Tony Robbins thing, I was like, this lady who booked me or whatever, was my handler, was like, I go, oh, I feel like I ruined his birthday. He goes, no, he had fun this afternoon, not even helping me. And then we go- Yeah, before you got here, it was great. I go back in a car with this other guy who was like,

Tony's right-hand man he's like Tony's get up rough he was like saying like Tony doesn't get up early actually he got up I got up early this morning he's like shit like shit to me and he goes you want some food the hotel I'm like yeah starving so I go and we take a lap and it's like the audience was at this buffet I didn't I thought it was just so I go no I'm good I'm good I'm good because I'm feeling completely shattered as a human being yeah and he goes no I come here get a place go play go buff and a good plate

So I'm like sneaking and I'm like, quick, quick, quick, quick. And then some guy like grabs me. Now this is what was amazing. Cause I didn't understand at first he goes, dude, epic set man. Like real Tony Robbins positivity. And I was like, thanks. And I realized, Oh, he found a way to say something to me that wasn't a lie.

And like he gave me positive energy, Tony Robbins energy. Tony, yeah, yeah. He learned that that weekend, which was cool. Yeah. It wasn't epic. It was epic. Yeah. It's just epic in its own way. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I wouldn't do corporates if, yeah, I don't, I don't think I can. I've got to turn the last three times I've accepted. Everyone's like, why did you say yes to this? Yeah. Why do you?

Because in the moment, you get a call and they're like, they're going to pay me to just do that? I know. You're like, yeah, I can do that. It's like I should turn it down. Yeah. Yeah. I'm never going to turn it down. I'm talking, I never will turn down money. Ever? I don't care how rich I get. I'm just going to. What's enough money, Tom, where you like go, like be honest, like in your bank where you don't have to work ever again, you have a perfect life where you,

Give money to your kids, whatever, and just everything. But it's all you're going to make from here on out. What is the number? That sits in the bank? It just sits there accruing 3% to 4% a year. I don't know, man. But you don't think about money. You're going to go private jets, probably vacations. So it's a really nice lifestyle. Yeah, and you have like 10 years to live or whatever you have left.

You have way more than I was joking. You have probably a good 40 years left. 40? Probably 40 years left, right? Four? 40? Oh, 40. I don't think I have 40 years left. No? I'm 45. How old are your parents? Are they still alive? My mom's 80. She's alive. Oh, there you go. Yeah. My dad's dead. He died at 74. My dad died at 60. 60? Yeah. Oh, that's young. Yeah. Long time no brain tumor. Fuck. It's a funny thing to bring up. Hilarious.

Kind of good. It's not bad. You look healthy. Are you healthy? I think I don't sleep enough. Like I did that aura ring where it tells you how you sleep and it was like, go see somebody. Wait, what's your number? What's your money number? I think it's $35 million, which I think sounds ridiculous. I was going to say $175. $175 million? Yeah. Now I'm feeling like $35 is way low. Well, I mean, it depends on your formula. Yeah.

I have kids. I do. Yeah, you got kids. Yeah. Each of those has got to be at least. And you want to do that yacht vacation. You know, in like. Yeah, you don't want to do the. White Lotus with a yacht. Yeah. And that's like, how much is that? That's like $100,000 a week or something for those? Probably more. Really? Yeah. Ah. Yeah, I think I'll work until forever. Forever.

But I also like working. Here's the thing. I'm not chasing that number. We're not doing office work. I like doing this stuff. I like doing stand-up. I like making a show. I don't go like, I need to do this because I have to pay this or I need to accrue. I like working. Right. What would you do? Yeah, I wouldn't.

I'd be completely out of my, if you, if you gave me all that money right now, I would still be like, well, what am I going to do tomorrow? Yeah. Right. I wanted a vacation for three days and I had to come back home. I was supposed to be there longer. I went, I went by myself because people will go like, I traveled Europe and I, but for a month I know it was like, Oh, I want to be that guy. You know? Yeah. Where'd you go? I went to, um,

Puerto Vallarta in Mexico. You stayed for three days? I was supposed to be there a week and I left. Well, I get there. This is where I knew I was a problem. And I check in. I go, hi, Kyle. And they're like, just you? Like that. And I go, yeah. And she goes, nobody else, just you? And I go, yeah, just me, nobody else.

So I get there, and it's just all family. No one goes alone to this resort. And I was just this weird guy, walker. Like, I got in the giant jacuzzi. That just seems like it's the wrong place you went to, though. I guess, maybe. No, because vacationing alone makes a lot of sense. But if you go to, like, a place that is mostly families, like, that's a, yeah, that's a different thing. I got in that big jacuzzi. You know the jacuzzi where they go, the whole, everyone, you know? Yeah. Big. Big.

And like three people just like got out right away. And I was like, bubbles. And people would turn the corner because you couldn't see the jacuzzi as you came around the corner, like planning to go to the jacuzzi. And they saw you. And people just kept coming and turning. That guy that's jacking off everywhere is in the jacuzzi. Yeah. And we all ate together. So I was always just alone eating. It was hard. I had a horrible time. Point being, yeah, I probably won't stop working either. No, don't stop. Yeah. What are we going to do?

I'm never going on vacation again. No, you need to. Let's plan it together. No, but I'd have to go with friends or a girlfriend or something. I can't go alone ever again. Come with my family. I would love that. Really? I think you guys would like me there. I think we would too. I really like Christina too. We shared a flight together. Did you tell you about that flight we shared? When was it? It was probably a year ago. She's so... You can...

We were just... She was just really great. She was playing... We were playing a game, like, our stewardess was Linda, who was, like, just kind of gross. But then there's other fat, disgusting... We were playing a game where it was, like, would you rather put... Like, you have to put your face in this fat, gross guy's asshole for, like... Oh, this was... You played this game with Christina? Yeah. She loves this game. Yeah. And that's, like...

And like, yeah, put your face in the guy's ass with like a full three minutes or marry Linda and live with her for six months. Like just scenarios. She loves this game. We did that for like, yeah, three hours. You probably did the guy's ass, right? Yeah. Yeah. Three minutes is bad, but it's not as bad as six months. I think Christina married Linda. She did. I think she did. Oh, I'd eat that guy's ass. I didn't say you had to eat it. Oh, just sit there with it. Just get in there and like breathe it and like take it.

Big difference between eating it. Big deep yoga breaths. Anyway, I'd love to come on vacation. So next time I'll make you this deal. Next time I go on a family vacation, I am going to message you and be like, this is what we're doing. Are you coming? I promise I'll say no, but you should do that. You really won't come? That would be so weird. It'd be so fun. I would maybe feel even more alone to be with a family. I don't know. What are we doing? I don't know.

All right, invite me. We'll see what I say. We went to London. I do want to go to London. We went to London. We would have been like, all right, we're going to go to the park now. Do you want to come? I know a girl in London. There you go. Kyle, we're having dinner. Do you want to have dinner with us? Yeah, I'll be right down. And then my kids would be like, who's this guy? I'd be like, it's fucking Kyle, man. Yeah, he's your new brother. He's your uncle. Oh, I went brother, uncle. Yeah. Yeah.

And they'd be like, you have a brother? I'd be like, yeah. I didn't tell you guys, but I do. I really, I know we're joking, but I would like to be adopted by your family. We can do it.

You got to do some paperwork. We can do it. I'll sign literally whatever you, I won't even read it. Okay, cool. Um, where can people see you? You're a tour on tour at Kyle Dunnigan.com. The Instagram is a fun, fun place to live with Kyle. It's at Kyle Dunnigan one, uh, on Instagram. Uh, if you haven't yet checked it out, see killer be killed. It's out now on Netflix. Uh, it's the live kill Tony.

You were absolutely hilarious on it. Thank you. Thank you for coming in. Thank you for having me on one bear. One. Do you want to wish best wishes to Bert for his weight loss journey?

Bert, keep going, buddy. You got to lose one Kyle and you'll be there. You'll be there soon, pal. A little more than a Kyle. Yeah, a little bit. All right. Thanks, guys. Bye. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes top of the other, wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave. Two Bears, One Cave.