Kinky Kings w/ Jim Norton | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
01:11:57 Share

100% Well, Bert is recovering from quadruple bypass. It's going to be a few weeks, but as he recovers, we have some great friends stopping in and stopping with us right now is one of our absolute favorite comics. You can see his new special unconceivable on his YouTube channel. It's Jim Norton, everybody. Thank you, Tom.

Oh, thank you for that applause. Doesn't that feel good? It feels good, even though I know that no matter who you introduced, that would happen. Joseph Goebbels, they would still do it. But the fact that you said Jimmy Norton, they clapped. You're right, it taps into my knees. Speaking of Goebbels, man, it's a Hitler summer here. We are... By that, you mean great. I've been watching nothing but World War II docs, because sometimes you're like, I've seen it, and then a new one comes out, which I also am just fascinated, like,

how many more docs can we do about hitler like you right you think it's covered and they're like no no no there's a new eight part series but they're all fascinating i know it's like how many delicious flavors of ice cream can i have there's a new one the color footage of him is very crazy like when you see footage of behind the scenes hitler yeah like when he was chatting with people and he was like doing his little friend like the friendly like yeah and smiling and laughing with locals like oh god that's

It's the same guy. Yeah. And he's, it goes up to like the, when the youth kids are joining and he shakes his hand and he taps their face like this. And he's like, you're a good boy. And then he walks to the next one and you're like, Oh, he's like this affable guy that everyone you're like, how come we don't see more of this? I'm tired of seeing the negative spin. Yeah. The angry grimace. I did see, I read an article about a guy who was a Jewish guy who lived, he was one of Hitler's neighbors and,

and it was, I think he wrote a book, and it was when Hitler first came to power, and this guy was a very small kid, and he was one of the few people alive who'd had like a personal interaction with Hitler, but it was mostly just from seeing him as a neighbor, and then as the Third Reich got worse and worse, his family,

His father sent him away, and then his father luckily lived and met up with him. But as a kid, he said he would see Hitler around, and you could just start to feel the tone change, and the family got out of there. The shift kind of happened. Yeah, it's like when a comic starts selling tickets. Yeah. Something's going on. Not the same guy. It's not the same guy. Oh, there it is. Hitler, my neighbor. Wow, he really is on the nose. Right.

Wow. Wow. You read this book? No, no, no. Of course not. I read a brief summation of it. Okay. But I wanted to come off like I read it, but I literally just read like an article on the book. Yeah, that's pretty fascinating. And especially to be like someone who was like, oh, you mean my neighbor? Yeah. The guy that, yeah, I used to see him go for a stroll.

Get a coffee. They'd wake me up with the fucking lawnmower. Yeah. That's insane. But those docks are so fucking good, man. They are. They're so good. And you also realize, especially because we have wars going on right now, that there will never be the type of – like even if there were a World War III tomorrow, it wouldn't look like those wars. Like with the way technology evolved. This was like –

you know, that the people were just like, I love my country and I'm just going to battle. And it was just, you know, it was like, get the gun, hang out in this burned out building. I just feel like now, you know, we have drones and, you know, fighter jets. It's just, it's completely different thing. It's impersonal. Like, and like people would lie about their age just to go and fight. They love the country. And you, what they said that you people miss when they see, especially like World War I documentaries is they said the smell of shit is

on the battlefield it smelled so much like human shit because people had to shit outdoors yeah or in trenches and they like that's the thing that doesn't translate when you watch it but it really stunk and i think about now whenever i say it really yeah yeah i saw this in this doc this guy um was i think he was a brit he was either british or american and he was in the um

Some of these things remind you that World War II extended into North Africa, which is something I think is lost on us a lot. So there's this battle there. He gets captured. He's a POW. And he's like, we go on this 1,000-mile drive in the back of trucks standing because it's all just packed. And people just stood and shit. They weren't going to stop for us. So we just stood there and shit.

Yeah, it's disgusting. Disgusting. But you don't think of it when you watch it. You're like, wow, the trenches. People kind of glorify it. It's like, no, people were pissing and shitting in the corner. It's awful. Vile and awful. Nothing worse. What was that movie? 1916 or 1917? 17, yeah. I don't know if they cut it all, but they said it was all one shot. I'm sure they cut. Yeah. But that was a great movie. Incredible movie. Incredible. Yeah, because that...

That first sequence follows that one actor for like 25 minutes without seemingly a cut. Yeah. There's a moment where he'll run behind something that's like a black screen for a half second. You're like, okay, they could have cut there. Maybe they can just do it now and make it look like they can't. I think they can, yeah. What was the show that came out? Every episode was like one shot. Adolescence?

I didn't see that. Is that a Netflix show? Yes. Is that the one where the kid was, like whether he was a black kid, but they made him a white kid for the show? Oh, I don't know. I don't know that part. Maybe that's not the one. I'm thinking about one where there was a murder. Yeah, this is the one. Oh, yeah. The only thing I know about is people were mad that they changed the race and made him a white kid, if it's the one I'm thinking of. Oh, really? Yeah. So it's based on? A black kid killing somebody, but they made him a white kid, and I don't know why or what the story really is.

Oh, shit. Okay. Yeah, each episode is one continuous take, which is really... It's insane when you watch it. You're like, how are they going to do this? There are little things, though, where, like, you know, because they don't obviously cut, every time, like, if we were talking and then you got up, you know, the camera tracks you. Yeah. But, like, when you walk past the doorway...

And then you go like, you know what I mean? Like that moment where it's covering the door is in a moment you can cut as well. Absolutely. But you probably cut down on inconsistency. Like, like when you're editing a special and you go back and you realize like, oh fuck, that was from the late show. And I'm going from here to there. And it's like, those, those are the things that are really hard about piecing something together. Yeah. And then that's when you cut to the crouched side of the person going, I know, I know. I hate fucking crap. I use them once in a while for the same reason everybody else uses them.

But Louis actually turned me off. We had talked years ago, and he's like, I just like it black. I don't want to see the audience. And I was like, yeah, he's kind of right. Who the fuck needs to see an Asian girl on the show, an Asian girl laughing? That's like a Comedy Central thing. The other one that somebody put in my head, I don't remember who it was, but ever since they said it, you can't stop thinking of it, is when a comic walks out and there's like two minutes of applause.

And you're like, if you're, if you know the person, you're a huge fan. Sure. You go, but like, if you're just like, who is this? You're just going to watch people clap. You're like, get to the start talking. Yeah. I'm cutting that down with something that somebody put in my head. Like, don't just sit there and have you walk out wave. How's it going? Isn't this great to be here? Ah,

What's up, Phoenix? What's up, Phoenix? Yuck. Cut that. But that's more like for YouTube, too. This one was done by the homeless pimp who's legendary. But he goes, no, just start with mid-joke or a joke. You're on stage. There's no walk up. All right. No one cares. Get to it, stupid. And he was right. No, I think that's a really cool move is just get to it. I just...

was watching somebody, like a notable comic, and it was, I mean, borderline three minutes of walkout, applause, looking around, thank you.

It's great to be here. It's great to be in this city. More applause. And you're like, what are we doing here, man? Like, let's get to it. Yeah, we don't need to see your victory lap before you've told one joke. You haven't done anything. Yeah. Yeah. You got to get to the joke. Where did you shoot Unconceivable? Village Underground. I'm glad you said the name because this is true. I originally called it Domesticated Animals. And then someone told me, oh, Brett Ernst, how?

has one called... And I didn't know that. I'm so dumb, I didn't Google it. So I immediately changed it. And unconceivable, I figure, is pretty accurate. And it's a weird word, but I just keep forgetting what it's called. So I'm glad you...

I'm glad you said that, but I hate watching myself so much. Oh, it's the worst. Isn't it terrible? It's the worst. And you can always tell who's a piece of shit if they like watching themselves. You can tell, dude. I remember being in a green room one time where we were having this type of conversation and some comic was like,

He just volunteered. Don't you just love watching clips of yourself? And I was like, what? And he was like, yeah, I just go home and I watch myself. And I go, you're a psychopath. That's a sociopathic thing to do. And to not read that other people hate you for it. Yeah, and he was just lost. Can you watch? I'll do it during an edit. Again, it's still part of the thing. But I know guys who can watch themselves in front of other people and look for the last. And I'm like, no. Horrible.

My last special, I got the call after months. They go, hey, we're going to have to move your

if you don't actually watch a cut. Because I kept going like, yeah, yeah, I'll get to it. Oh, yeah. And putting it off, putting it off. And they were like, you don't actually do that now. We're going to have to move the date. And I was like, all right. Because I hate that. And then you just go, look at my fucking, my voice is weird, my hands. Nice blinking, nice delivery, frog neck. Yeah, believe it. It's a real exercise in self-hatred. Yes. But I can do it just until it's done. But then once it's done, I'll never do it again.

No. I'll never look at it again. The worst, too, is I remember one time – I got to actually – now I know what to do. But I did a private for this, you know, corporate kind of thing. And I got there and I met one of the people. And my big mistake, I was like, oh, um –

Yeah, I'm excited to do whatever. Like what I'm on tour with now, and the guy was like, oh, no, no, no. Like we want, he cited specific bits. I want to hear this and I want to hear this. And I was like, oh, shit. And some of those at the time were like, I don't know, five, six, seven years old. Literally, you know the bit, but I remember how it goes. Sure. Like the beats. Yeah. So I was like, okay, well, thanks for telling me. And so I downloaded it.

the like from albums my bits because i was like yeah to like hear the rhythm and like oh yeah the words and how it goes so i'm sitting there in my hotel room like trying to like memorize because some of it feels vaguely familiar but you're like oh yeah i gotta pause here i know i'm not gonna do it well anyway i forget that i do that and now those stand-up bits of mine are on my iphone library and

So if I have like a shuffle playing, sometime my own standup comes on and you def, I go, I'll just drive into this pole. Yeah. I'm going to unbuckle. Yeah. Yeah. I have a couple of exactly on Spotify. The same. I'm such a, again, such an idiot. I'm like, well, I might as well support my own work, you know, fucking eager dummy in his fifties trying to capture the internet.

But watching, like, you forget how to get into something. Like, I forget that, like, if I say this, but I forget the word that always springboarded me into it. So if I have to just do a bit from the atmosphere that I did 10 years ago, I'm fucking doomed. I can't remember how to get into it. I don't know how to get into it either. I've never done it since it's been taped. I stopped doing it. Yeah, as soon as you're eye tape, I also let it go. I just go, that's done. Yeah. It's funny how one time a guy was like, do this bit. And I just was like, all right. And I started it. And I was like.

seven words in, I was like, I forget what's next. And then he starts doing the bit. He has it memorized better than I do. Because there's always so much room in your head. But people who will do something and they shoot it and it's been out there for a while and then you see them on the road two years later and they're doing the same thing. And it's like, how do you not... Hang yourself. How do you not want to kill yourself doing the same jokes? It's funny because we have these conversations about this and it's like, that guy though that...

that's doing that too. He also is the one who's like, I feel stuck in my career. And you're like, well, yeah, you're not evolving at all. Absolutely. This is an ad by BetterHelp. Men today face immense pressures to perform, to provide,

just to keep it all together. So it is absolutely no wonder that 6 million men in the U.S. suffer from depression every year, and it is often undiagnosed. If you're a man and you're feeling the weight of the world, talk to someone, anyone, a friend, a loved one, a therapist. It takes the weight of the world off your shoulders. I was just telling these guys, I woke up,

I woke up yesterday and my, I said my face looked weird because I was sick and my arm was swollen and I had dead arm in this arm because I'd slept on it and this hand was tight and I just starting to spiral out. Leanne's like, what's better? And I told her and she goes, hey, it's your anxiety. Talk about it in therapy. And I did. I talked about it in therapy. But here's the great part is that I had recognized that this has happened to me before and I could identify what's happening with me and I could get through it and know this is going to go away. Everything's going to pass.

If you're not in therapy, you should be. Here's the deal. With over 35,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally, and it works with an operating store of 4.9 out of 5 based on over 1.7 million client reviews. Here's the reason, the biggest reason you should do BetterHelp. It is convenient. You can join a session online.

With your therapist at the click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your busy life so you look forward to it and you don't resent it. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Talk it out with BetterHelp. Our listeners.

Get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash bears. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash bears. Support for today's episode comes from Square, your all-in-one business partner making your day-to-day easier. From point-of-sale system and payments to

to inventory and customer tools. Square brings everything together in one simple platform. So you can stay organized, sell anywhere, and keep things moving. Whether you're running a cafe, salon, boutique, merch for tours, or something entirely your own, Square gives you the flexibility to grow at your own pace and even set up an online store in just a few clicks. And right now, listeners can get up to $200 off Square hardware when you sign up at square.com.

com slash go slash bears that's s-q-u-a-r-e dot com slash go slash bears visit square to get started because the right tools makes all the right difference i've always been using square and i love how flexible it is i mean i've seen it work seamlessly for all kinds of businesses but mostly for me on the road it's amazing and if you ever go to like a

Like an outdoor flea market. You can see people that sell art, weekend market stalls, food trucks. Touring musicians use them. Comedians use them. Square adjusts with what you need, and you can sell in person or online from one location. I mean, listen, it helps you grow and adapts as your business grows.

Square supports all major credit cards and payment methods, including contactless payment options like Apple Pay and Google Pay. Checkout is fast and easy for your customers. Square keeps up so you don't have to slow down. Get everything you need to run and grow your business without any long-term commitments or

And why wait? Right now you can get up to $200 off Square hardware at square.com slash go slash bears. That's S-Q-U-A-R-E dot com slash G-O slash bears. Run your business smarter with Square. Get started now.

And that's the beauty of it. Like, I know, like, I never feel stuck. Like, I'm finished. And there's a big difference between being stuck and finished. Yes. I've accepted the fucking, the peak in 2007 really did take a sharp nosedive. Yeah.

You have to accept where you're at. No, well, but your standout, like I told you this when you were here last, like you are, one of the things I admire so much, I talk about this thing on stage even right now, is that like I learned that people, when you feel shame about anything, you're not going to feel shame about anything.

It grows in you and it stays and it actually can become overwhelming when you don't share it with someone. And then you have this thing where it feels like, oh, well, you're so comfortable sharing what would be shameful and therefore opening up about it. Like, was that something that you

you knew to do or you just took a leap one day? I don't remember. It would make the other comics laugh. Like in the early, like 1990, 91, at the open mics and like the Sheratons in New Jersey. Like the other comics responded to it. So I was like, all right, this feels kind of good to make those guys laugh. Yeah, because they're hard to get respect from, you know. And it just felt good to get it out. Like I always feel like the reaction is strong when people connect with it. Yes. And it felt like now that I've said it,

It's not a painful thing that I'm trying to hide anymore. Exactly. Right. And again, in 2003, when I did, there was a show in Montreal called the, it was like the confessing it. So I started confessing things I had never talked about. Right. Was that scary? Yes and no. I hadn't really, I joked about it a little bit, but like I didn't, then I did a bit. One of them was about fucking a transsexual in a car.

It was a true story. I mean, I gave her a young lady a ride. And I think even at that point, I was still lying and pretending I didn't know. There was one other thing I knew. I could tell from across the street. Someone told me I have the eye. I could literally spot it from Google Earth. And there was one other thing. But it feels great to just spit it out. Because what are you going to do? I don't care if people like it. Once you've said it and you put it in their face, I don't care how they react to it. But that's...

And I feel like that perspective is like an earned thing. Like some people go, I don't care. You're like, yeah, you do. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like yours feels genuine, but you also have this resume of being like, yeah, I let it out. I shared the thing. Well, I've also had enough time. Like I care about it being funny. I definitely care about that. Like I don't want to – someone just standing up there blathering out –

childhood trauma. Yeah. Big deal. Anyone could do that. You have to, yeah, have the jokes. Make it funny. It's like, otherwise you're just a fucking asshole doing a Ted talk. Like, yeah, do that, but don't tell yourself you're a cop. There's a few that are like doing that and they're doing very well. Yeah, she is. Yeah.

You're just like, you're just giving your speech. Yeah. Very strange. And it's easy to do. But as years have gone on, especially from radio, like I've gotten enough emails and contacts from people who go, I'm so glad you talked about that. Cause I had that or I was ashamed of that. So that's when you start to realize like, yeah, I don't care. People don't like this because enough people, they'll never go out and tell the world, Hey, I feel good that he said that. Cause it made me feel better. Right. But they've,

They've told me. They've told you. Yeah. And that does feel good. It feels great. Are there any, because you've been so open about kinks, are there kinks that you were once like, wow, this is something, and now you're like, this is so boring. Like, do you evolve past the kinks? Kind of a little bit, yeah, because what felt taboo, like being a cuck, I always liked being a cuck. I thought it was so dirty and taboo. Yeah. But now I'm married, and it's like, no, I don't want to fuck in somebody and then spit in my mouth. Eh, I don't want that. I wouldn't like that. Yeah.

Brush your teeth. You blew the Uber driver. Did you like the, the cuck play role place? Like, or like those scenarios where like the, what the big stud comes in. Is that that kind of thing? Or does just any guy, it could just be a guy with a bigger dick than mine. Like there was just, it was, but it was some kind of a humiliation thing and it would be the, like the tethering. Somebody is like mentally tethering you along. Um,

Like I was talking. The mental of it is so important. It's everything. And you learn, I feel like as you, as I've gotten older that, you know, when you're like 16, you're just like,

This woman's beautiful. If she's hot, that's what you want. And then as you get older, you're like, oh, it's all in the attitude and the way someone speaks and how they're, you know, they could be objectively a six or whatever, but something about them, you're like, no, she's a 10 because of the way she carries herself. She communicates, trigger words. It's anticipation and whether they know. There are some people in life, like one of my exes was a great dirty talker,

And we would talk dirty and she was talking about fucking other guys. And she just knew where I wanted her to go without me saying it. And like when people do that, it's like, that's against like you're just following, but they're like breadcrumbing all this perversion in front of you without you setting it up. It's like setting up your own surprise party. It's just not the same. So, but yeah, I've got like the cuck stuff. I'll still watch it online, but it's like, eh, I don't want to see that in real life. I've gotten more...

Like less needing that stuff because I'm only having sex with one person. So you kind of, you're, you kind of, you come back a little bit, you know, the, the, the tide comes back in a little bit. Yeah. And it's still fulfilling enough. So thrilling enough. I mean, you know, let's be honest, married. No, it is because none of it is worth wrecking the marriage for. Yeah. And I say to myself, like I was so attracted to,

to my wife, if I'm, if I all of a sudden don't want to be sexual with her anymore, then something is really wrong with me because I I'll meet other people I'm attracted to, but I'll never meet anyone who has more of an effect on me at one point than she did. So I'm like, then I know it's just my addictive thinking. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like, you have a lot of awareness though about it.

Yeah, because I've done everything wrong you can do, or most things wrong. So it's like, I've destroyed relationships. I've gotten caught. I've fucking cheated. What's the most... Have you ever had a thing where you're alone? You're not... But you feel like the most degenerate? You're just like, this is like...

I feel like I went crazy. You know, a lot of times when I would go out with a girl and I knew I could fuck her, but instead I would avoid the sex just to go home and jerk off thinking about what the sex would have been like. Wow. That's a fascinating one. That's a perversion. And it's also, then you realize it's not about sex. I didn't care about the, it's dopamine and it's keeping the high going. Yeah. It's almost like if you have a joint, instead of just sitting there smoking the joint, you take one hit.

Stop for an hour. Take one hit. Stop. You're just making it last, making it last, making it last. That's what that was. Wow. Like once I had sex with someone, you know, you're back. Yeah. Here's the world. Here's life. So let me extend, extend, extend. Yeah. Yeah. So I would do that a lot. Like I would go out.

I've had a lot of experiences, even with prostitutes, I would see somebody and hook up and then not come. So much of it was the ritual of riding around looking. They had to approach the right side of my car. It was all this bizarre stuff that was just part of a get-high. Yeah, because all that is a dopamine release. Yeah, it's such a good feeling, too. But it's such a fascinating thing that I don't feel like, I don't even think a lot of people even grasp it.

entirely what you're saying. You know, who, like, because what you're saying is that, you know, we get dopamine from our brains from like either achieving things or doing pleasure seeking things, but you're,

There's this thing that happens automatically that like if you hit something, you get a threshold, the dopamine levels will go down. So you need to basically either if it's a dopamine drip from challenging behavior, you need to make the challenge higher. And if it's from like pleasure, you need to up dopamine.

the whole experience to make the thrill higher. So like you're getting dopamine from even the, the pursuit, right? The pursuit and, and like looking for someone, all this is tied together. It all kind of gives you the dopamine. Yeah. And Mike Tyson had a great term for it, which he said he got from a therapist. And I believe it was baseline normal. Like the things you have to do,

okay, just to feel normal. Like without the dopamine, without that rush, I felt like below zero. Like I was in a pit. So like I had to do a lot of things, twiddle the nipples, text somebody, you know, just pervert. And then all of a sudden, okay, I'm good. I feel normal. I'm regular. And then it starts going up. So it's like a Facebook or Twitter. Whenever you see the little red thing, bing, bing, it's the same kind of a feeling of that little bing, that little message, that little, oh, my view count is good. It's all...

All the same thing. And I hate myself for at times still requiring that. Yeah. Fucking weakling. Yeah. Somebody said too, that like they realized that when you see a selfie posted from someone like just, Hey, it's a selfie that that is a clear sign.

need for that affirmation from people. You know, and like once you get that thought in your head, you're like, oh yeah, then you see the self, you're like, this person needs approval right here. And then if you take your own self, you're like, what am I, a fucking needy bitch right now? Yeah, I really am. I'm as big of a weasel as that person who I just criticized. And you notice it in opinions too.

People who are like... And again, I don't mean don't post opinions. It's like a big conversation. Great. But people who are obsessive. It's almost like I'll play this game with myself where somebody who really annoys me, I'll go to their Twitter just to see...

I bet you they're talking about this. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's... I don't hate watch a series, but I do that almost... It's like going to the fucking gym mentally. I'm like, am I right or am I being a prejudging asshole? Yep. And a lot of times I'm right. I'm like, yeah, you're right. They are obsessive dummies. So I kind of catch...

I don't want to be that, so I try not to do that. I know. I try to do it less, too. There's a few people who message me all the time who go, why haven't you spoken out yet about power?

Palestine, Israel, I'm like, huh? Why haven't I? That's what you're looking for? Yeah. You're like, once you, Tom, speak out, then we'll find the resolution. Like, I don't need to. I mean... No, and it's also what they're doing is so self-serving. Yeah. There's a really weird parasitic nature of people needing... Because they don't care about you or what you think. They want to go, are Tom's going to say something? Do I... If he says the right thing, it validates me. I agree. I feel strength. Yes.

And if you say something wrong, well, fuck him. There's the dopamine rush of getting angry. Of getting angry, yes. But it's all parasitic. It's all them somehow taking something from your opinion. It's total bullshit. They don't care about what you think. No. And they want to just, whatever your opinion is, then they get to go, oh, you're in this category. They want to categorize you. Sure.

Did you know that most mattresses end up in landfills within a decade? That's why quality is sustainability. Avocado Green Mattresses certified organic mattresses are built to last. Crafted, non-toxic, certified organic materials and made in their own zero waste factory are

They've already diverted 85% of waste from landfills, and they're working toward even more. Their expert craftsmanship means fewer replacements, less waste, and a bigger impact on protecting our planet. Plus, they're climate-neutral certified, so every mattress helps reduce carbon emissions. As a 1% for the planet member, they donate at least 1% of revenue to nonprofits fighting climate change, restoring ecosystems, and protecting our planet.

If you want to sleep with purpose, check out Avocado. They offer easy financing options with Affirm. They also offer a one-year sleep trial and generous warranty so you can buy with confidence. Visit one of their retail stores or premier retail partners to experience the comfort in person. Head to avocadomatress.com today and dream of better for you and the planet.

I always think of this, it always pops in my head that one time I went to a gun range and it was like so fun. They train people how to shoot for the movies there. So they were filming and posting videos and I posted one of these videos. And it's so funny to see people go, didn't know you were into this. Understand and unfollowed. And you're like, what? Yeah. Because of what? Oh, because there's a gun at a gun range? Yeah. Like where you're supposed to shoot them? Yeah.

But that person felt like, oh, I know who you are now. Yeah, and they're dumb. They're really stupid. And I don't ever care if they unfollow me or they're mad about it. No, it's actually good when you go, great, happy to lose you. I'm happy you're gone, yeah. Because it's a level of stupidity. And it's a really weird thing. It's like a terrible weakness masquerading as strength where people are going around and it's like...

This is my, they think that they're telling such truths. What they're also doing is making everyone who agrees with them already happy. Yeah. Like they act like I'm just pissing them off, but it's like, Hey, you forget the other 50% dummy is you're entertaining and getting the approval of people who are already agreeing. And that's what you want. You want to serve that master, right? You want people to go like you did the right thing. The amount of people who like that's their currency is like, I said something that I know someone else will applaud me for.

You're like, you're pretty lost. They want some zilch to go, good on you. Good on you. Good on you, which I loathe. It's good for you. I'm good on you. It's a real old-timey way of doing it. I hate it. And I hate, by the way, when the fucking Brits say, I went to hospital. You went to the hospital. It drives me crazy. And I don't understand why they removed the word the. I went to prom. A lot of people say that. What about maths? Which one? Maths.

Maths? Yeah. I've never heard that. Really? People say maths? Brits. Oh. Yeah. When I was taking maths. That's very irritating. Yeah. I didn't know that. I'm actually going over to London and now it's going to bother me. Oh, yeah. You can find that for sure. Why do they do that? I don't know. I don't either. I mean, by the. He was in hospital. In the UK, maths is the common term for the subject.

where we use math. The difference is a minor point of distinction. Ah, no, it's not. Reflecting a difference in how the plural noun mathematics is abbreviated in the dialect. Yeah, it's like, yeah, I was studying, I was doing my maths, and you're like, no. And what they're forgetting is, and it's a major issue, you're right, because T-H and S, nobody likes a T-H followed by S.

It's a hard sound. It's unpleasant. It is. It's gross. You ever see Orson Welles when he's doing that read for peas? And he goes, it's not pleasant to say. It's not fun to say. You've seen his, when he's pilled out of his mind, doing, the French champagne has always been known for its excellence. Oh, Paul Masson. Was it Paul Masson? Yes, Paul Masson. Yeah, dude. He's absolutely fucking plastered.

What is it? There is a French champagne. Turn camera. He doesn't do anything? That's how he starts this? Action or something. Action or something. He doesn't do anything? No, sorry, cut. 102, take two. These poor people. Ah, the French champagne. It's always been celebrated for its excellence.

There is a California champagne by Paul Mets. And by the way, the guy and the woman with him, they are doing a scene with Orson Welles. And they're looking at him probably like, he's fucked, he's peeled out of his head. He's bombing. He likes the best French champagne.

It's vintage dated. And they're also terrified. Terrified because he was like, there's audio of him doing those things. One was for Mrs. Somebody's Pee. And he still sounds good. Yeah. Like he's still Orson Welles. Yeah, yeah. But when you listen to him doing that and he's snapping at the engineer, it doesn't feel good. And crisp crumb coating. Yeah.

He was doing one for, and he was very intimidating, and he would really upset these people because he would snap quickly. They're so scared. They're terrified. Because he's the guy who they say makes the greatest film ever made, so it's worth, you know. Yeah, so in other words, I have to say something. Don't you think you really want to say July over the snow? Isn't that the fun of it? If you can make it almost when that shot disappears. Don't cover a seal and say every July, please throw this.

We know a remote farm in Lincolnshire where Mrs. Buckley lives. Every July, peas grow there. We aren't even in the fields, you see. We're talking about them growing and she's picked them. What? I don't understand you. Then what must be over for a July? When we get out of that many fields. When I was out, we were on to a can of peas, a big dish of peas when I said in July.

Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, always. Just snapping at the engineer. Yeah. Unhappy with the way the camera was being like, you know. Have you heard the Shatner one? I don't know. William Shatner is doing a read and it's clearly like a sound engineer who he does overstep for a moment where he's like, maybe like intonate, maybe go up at the end or something. And he's like, what's that?

And he's like, you know, like when you read it, he gives him like a little direction. And then William Shatner is like,

Okay. And he goes, no, no, no. I'm going to do it just the way you said it. And the guy's like, no, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He's like, no, no, no. And he does like a shit read. Was it Oldman who wound up? Oh, no, no. It was Christian Bale where he yells at the person who walked in his sight line. Yes. And technically he's right. It's like how dumb. Because he keeps going, you're a rank amateur, fucking amateur. But it's like the guy was an idiot to not know that he's doing a scene. He should have handled it better. He should have handled it better. But it is kind of the thing where you're like,

If you're trying to like, you're in this like scene and you're really prepared and it's emotional. And then like people like, cause when we were shooting this thing, if you hear like hammering or something, you're like, dude, I can't fucking do this. Yeah. Right. That's why you like stop the work. You're like, let the thing happen. Yeah. So, I mean, did he lose his shit? Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. But,

Yeah, I mean, I kind of get it. Yeah, I do too. And people were like, oh, how terrible is he? But it just made me love his work more. Yeah. Because I'm like, he really cares about getting there properly. Or like when Cruise lost his shit on his crew. During COVID. Yeah. And you're like, well, yeah. I mean, he's like, this whole fucking thing can get shut down if you fucks break the rules, you know? He did say one thing. Then there's always that one thing they do where you're like, ah, fuck.

where he said something about like, we're saving Hollywood. Like he made some comment that you're like, you didn't have to say that. You could have just kept doing what you were, but yeah, he was technically right to be pissed off. He was, uh, he was very pissed. Yeah. And what are you going to say? It's Tom Cruise. And he's also the guy who fucking, he hung off the side of the Burj Khalifa. He jumps off planes. Like he does his own shit. You can say about him. He's, he's unbelievable, man. Have you met him? I've never met him. I've never met him. Um,

I know several people who have, and they all say that it is like when you talk to him, you're the only person in the world, and he's all on you and very engaged. A lot of times if he knows he's going to meet you...

He's fully briefed on you. Yeah. So he knows like all these, he'll reference things and you're like, oh shit. Like he'll, he'll know your whole background. The guys who are the most captivating and charismatic, they said Bill Clinton would do that. They understand that the thing that makes a person like you is when they think you like them or when they feel like you're entertained by them or they're entertained by you. So like I realized that I look back at people in my life who I really like. I'm like, I make that guy laugh a lot. So I really like him.

yeah like he makes me feel good about myself he doesn't just entertain me he makes me feel like i'm entertaining him isn't that a fucked up thing to learn yeah like oh shit i'm just like an insecure yeah like oh you laugh all right cool what's up man yeah go out yeah yeah you can like hey you can come to my house and fuck my sister as long as you get a giggle out of it is this it yeah this is it okay

This is William Shatner, and I would like to invite you to take a journey with me into the 21st century. So take the next few minutes and listen very closely. You'll be amazed at what you hear. Okay? Can there be a little more excitement in the beginning? I love it. Okay. All right. It sounded like really laid, you know, really super laid back. Well...

I'm saying, okay, I'll try and do that. Let's do take two. That laugh, too. This is William Shatner, and I would like to invite you to take a journey with me into the 21st century. So take the next few minutes and listen very closely. Well, speak up, and maybe you better do it the way you hear it. Do it for me. No, I mean, just go ahead.

This is William Shatner, and I would like to invite you to take a journey with me into the 21st century. So take the next few minutes and listen very closely. You'll be amazed at what you hear. Yeah, so he's like that. He actually is doing a direct interview.

mimic read of that guy and it's so bad and it's clearly like that guy he overstepped he did a little bit yeah certain guys you can't it's a director can give certain notes but certain acting notes are

For me, I would take the no because I stink. But there are guys who are so good at what they do, they're like, you're telling me how to do a line? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're fucking crazy? You're crazy. And they're right. Usually the guys are... But again, a lot of actors will give you a couple of different takes and say, which one do you like? Yeah. And those are the ones that people tend to like...

working with. But yeah, that, that to give Shatner an acting note and a voiceover, this is William Shatner. And if you like, bro, he's saying the whole thing is a fuck you to the engineer. Yep. And it's humiliating. It's humiliating. And that guy's just like, I'm so sorry. I spoke, please do what you, and he's like, no, no, no, no. You said it. So I'll do it. Like, and then that guy's like, am I going to lose my job? Yeah. Yeah.

And William Shatner hates you. Yeah. Hates you so much. I like him. I've interviewed him a few times, and I was on a plane, and I saw him. And it was a layover from Tampa to Philadelphia. And I said hello to him when the plane landed. And he recognized me, and he was very friendly. And the pilot even came out to meet him because he found out Shatner. And it was so funny watching him blow off the pilot. Really? The pilot was like, hey, one time we met. And Shatner goes, yes, it was very nice, and just walks off. I was like, oh, you poor bastard. Yeah.

it was a big moment. It was a big moment. Reconnect with Bill. Who's like, do you have, cause you interviewed a lot of people. Do you have like your all time favorite, like thing where you're like, this was like my, you know, somebody you can't believe you got the opportunity to interview. Um,

Ozzy, obviously, because I was such a fan. Trump, a year and a half ago for UFC, was a big one. It wasn't like a life's goal, but in hindsight, it was a huge moment. What was your take on him? We didn't talk politics. It was for UFC, so it was only fighting. Because Dana loves him, and he was very important to the early UFC, giving them a home. My take from it was that

he is a great memory like we talked boxing and we talked mma for 40 minutes and he remembered everything people thought we had cue cards set up for him and it was an absolutely non-political conversation about the old days and the fights and what he felt about this and how this happened um and the memory was really good so my take was like he love him or hate him his brain is is working um and he's got a great memory i feel like when i was a kid you

you know, you would always see these big like Tyson fights at like Trump Taj Mahal or like, right? Like Trump, wasn't Trump always in some way involved with some of these big boxing events like in the 80s and stuff? Yeah, he was. I think like Foreman, I think Foreman Michael Moore, if I remember, I don't even remember. Like I did all this research and now I forget it and he remembers it from 30 years ago. But yeah, he was involved with a lot of those huge fights and a lot of them were like,

Taj Mahal was one. I think that's Atlantic City. I think so, yeah. You know who was a fascinating guy to talk to? He just died. I forget his name. It was, oh my God, Cliff. He was Clint something. He was the Secret Service agent in the Kennedy assassination who was Jackie's Secret Service agent

What's his name? Clint Hill. Yeah, and he was the one who was behind the limo when Kennedy got shot. He's the guy who runs behind the limo and hops up on the back of Kennedy's car as it speeds off to Parkland. Wow. And he was describing looking in and seeing the inside of the president's head, and he knew that he was dead. It's like that was a fascinating guy to talk to. Yeah. Did he have...

takes you know because there's so many theories on the assassination he said he shot him he said I finished him off sick of this prick

Yeah, that good head of hair. No, he said he heard the bullet behind him. He said he heard it. He said, I was there and I heard the bullet coming from... I didn't get too crazy detail with him because it's almost like asking Buzz Aldrin, another fun guy who I've interviewed who's also very cranky, snapped at me. Yeah. Fucking Buzz is, you know, he does not suffer fools. Yeah. And I asked him a question. He goes, let's not dilly-dally. I've got to get to CNN. He was really shitty. Yeah.

But he walked on the moon, so I took it in the fucking face. I took it like a drooper. Yeah. But these guys, sometimes the... I don't want to go too far. It's like asking Buzz about the moon landing. Like...

it's real like i didn't want to ask him stupid conspiracy questions yeah for him it's like yeah of course it happened i was it was behind me and i heard it well like it's like every year now there's like more like the further you get away from it people have new theories i know they're like oh there's four shooters and all this and i remember i was talking to this uh emergency room doctor and he's like anybody who thinks that because of the trajectory of that the bullets had to be

multiple people has not been in an emergency room. He goes, when you see what bullets do, one bullet does to some people where it enters here and it fucking moves around. He's like, it's, it totally opens your mind as to like what one shot can do to someone. Yeah. They literally turn.

turn all over the body. And I love, I mean, I look, I still love JFK. It's a great movie. And I do like that Oliver Stone, I think all the parts he was speculating about were in black and white. I think he, I think that was the device he used to show you. This is something that I think, and not other than Mr. X, the Sutherland part, which was, I think two people put together. Um, but it's still a great film. I don't care if it's right or wrong. I still enjoy watching it. Yeah. I mean, I actually feel like even when I don't,

I don't know. I'm not convinced by someone's. I mean, conspiracy theories can sometimes just be very entertaining. Yes. And when people I don't mind people like I used to be a very big believer that it was a conspiracy. And I think it was Vincent Bugliosi. I interviewed where he had a book come out. He called in. So I read his book and he was very, very much Warren Commission. He believed that it was Oswald and that was it.

And I was like, oh yeah, I kind of think he's right. So I don't get married to the idea of one way or the other. That's the problem is people get married to it. Who gives a fuck? Whatever the truth is, I'd like to know it. When you get too married to it, that's when you realize you're in a bad place when you go...

I'm more interested in being right than I am in learning what the truth is, then you've kind of lost your way. Yeah. It's like in an argument with your spouse, it's acceptable. Yes. I mean, that's exactly why I'm a shit partner. Yeah. Because I have to be right. Right. But yeah, when you start getting into that in life, that's when people are like, just shut up. Yeah, just stop. We heard you. You've been heard.

Yeah. Sometimes I want to just tell people that you've been heard. Everyone's heard you. Yes. Let's move on. Yeah. It didn't have the effect you wanted. It didn't move us like you thought. We don't look to you as a, as a thought leader. You're not a voice of the generation, but you've been heard. I do think it was hilarious that with the, um,

What's that guy? He's like the deputy chief of the FBI now. And he's like a huge. Cash Patel? No, Cash is the actual director. But the deputy, that guy, Dan Bongino or Bongino. Bongiono or something. Yeah, yeah. That guy who was like a huge right wing conspiracy guy and was like, you know, fueling all these types of things.

is in this interview like two weeks ago and he's like, Epstein killed himself. Yeah. Sorry. It's like, and you're like, these are the, this is the same guy who would be like, it's impossible. The cameras were like, you know, and now he's like, listen, I looked it over. He killed himself. But you're like, which means either a, people would say he's been compromised or B they, you could go like, Oh, he actually did see all of the legit information that he knows is legit. Yeah. I always thought it was, uh, I always thought he hung himself. Um,

But the two cameras being out is very suspect. You can't ignore that. Yeah, for sure. But I always felt that he was worth $600 million, and now he's in a roach-infested place, and he's going to go to jail for life as a... So there's a good reason to hang yourself. There's a good reason to hang yourself. There's also, you look at behaviors, right? Like, a few days before he died, he went through the actual process of transferring all of his...

immense finances to his brother. And it's like, well, what mind space are you in when you go, Hey, why don't you put everything in, in his, in his name? Well, because you think maybe I want to die. Yeah. Or he was also probably worried about lawsuits after too. Like he knew that the civil suits were coming. Sure. But I mean, that was a guy, there's certain things that like, if they were going to kill you before you gave out information, they wouldn't have left them alive that long. They probably would have killed him outside of a jail. They would have just,

picked them off somewhere. If they can pull it off in a jail, they can kill you somewhere else. Yeah. They can get to you. There was another guy in France who committed suicide, but I think he'd been in jail for a year. I'm like, they don't leave you in jail for a year. If they want you. Yeah. Or Oswald. He was interrogated before he got shot. Yeah. It wasn't like they picked him up and he died on the way to the police station. Then you go, maybe. Yeah. But he was interrogated and he was in custody for a short period of time. Yeah. It's...

It is pretty late. He transferred his $577 million two days before his death to his brother. A trust named the 1953 Trust. So yeah, he might have known what was about to happen. But he had great reason to kill himself. I mean, he knew he was finished. Yeah.

Yeah. He was in France too, I think. And see, there was so much speculation at the beginning. Did Ghislaine help the state? Because then there was the speculation that she was the one who got him to come back. Like, no, everything's okay. And then he gets arrested. He might have thought, oh, if they have her, I'm dead. I'm dead. So that's... But again, then they wound up going after her. Yeah. And also it's like, how...

Every week it feels like they go, you're going to see this list now. Yeah, it's just... I don't understand. I don't either. The only people they should... There's been people that I heard they protected.

who had legitimate business dealings with him, who had nothing to do with any of the sexual stuff, that they kept private because the name association would have ruined their lives, but they legitimately weren't involved with that stuff. But then there's other people you're like, maybe they're... Right, because he had to have, obviously, some legit business things going on, right? Yeah. There was one guy that...

The way that FC made a huge amount of his money was he managed the money of a multi-billionaire. And then when that guy became aware of his first scandal is when he was like, he's like, I don't want my money with this guy. You know, he took it away from him. Oh, not Lex, not Lex Wessler, right? Who was the guy who, you know, Lex Wessler was the guy from, he,

He owned a bunch of, I would say he owned a bunch of stores, but I realized I couldn't have sounded stupider. But, you know, he's like a guy who owns a massive shareholder, right? Something, yeah. It could have been. I don't remember exactly who it was, but this really well-known business guy was like,

you know he he was like managing my money and then that first case like this is before everything sure the earlier one and florida oh i don't want anything to do with this guy and so that guy was like i don't want to be associated with this fucking guy yeah which which is legit right yeah of course but uh yeah that's why they kept some of those names off but i would like to we'd all like to see it it's just curious of course yeah we all want to see the super famous people

Is there anyone left? They said there was all this video and then we've seen nothing. Then you realize how much these people just talk, how much people in public life, government officials, how many of them are easily influenced by what somebody else says. And then they turned out not to know what the fuck they were talking. They don't know what they're talking about. No. I think we all, our illusion is that we always think that the well-known are going to have like some,

special level of knowledge and know things and are going to say... But they're all just regular people. They're regular people and they're as prone to being reactionary and stupid as we are. I never care about the opinions politically of people who are... Whether they're arguing Israel, I just don't care. I don't care. I don't give a fuck what they think. It doesn't sway me at all. No, no. It's boring. And also it's like...

Okay, high-profile names. I think we knew almost all of these, right? Spacey Naomi Campbell. Oh, Prince Andrew. Randy Andy. What a naughty boy. Never seen a guy like... Here's the problem with Prince Andrew. He's a guy who is so rich and so coddled that people would always go, yes, your majesty, yes, yes.

And he had no idea what a bad liar he was. Right. He never had to truly lie his way out of something because he would go, I didn't knock the lamp over. And people go, of course you didn't. You imagine. Yes. He never had to really connive and lie his way out of a ticket. Yeah. So he thought he was a better bullshitter than he was. That's such a good point. Yeah. That's such a good observation. I was watching him...

the awful explanations he was giving and by Emily, I did an amazing interview with him. She was such a fucking sniper, right? Like luring him in. He thought he did well. Yeah. He thought he killed it on that interview. Yeah. That's the one. That's the big one. He did. That was the big one. The night was called nightline or something. And, uh, but you realize this guy for him to believe that he did well,

is such a lack of self-awareness. Yeah, totally delusional. It's that guy coming off stage and going, fuck, they're hot. It's like shooting fish in a barrel. And you're like...

I had a guy one time did that. He walked off and we were like, whew. And he was like, killed him. And you're like, what? You killed the mood. Yeah. You just ate shit, bro. I've had like four bomb sets in a row, maybe five even at the comedy. So I'm just working. You ever have something just go like, I don't know what it is, but there's something I'm just,

I'm not believing it. There's something I've been doing last week or so where I have just been eating shit halfway through and on. And maybe I got to change up the order just to make it fresh again. The order can make a big difference. I mean, I told this story a few times about how one of the hardest I ever fucking bombed. And it felt like it was a six-hour set. I was supposed to do 25 minutes. I was the middle.

And it was the summer of Katrina. 2005, right? Yeah, 2005. And there was reports that week that some people were actually...

you know, forcing themselves sexually upon people. Yeah. In the aftermath. Yeah. In, in the, in the, the dome, in the, in the, in the dome. And also they were like in the city, this was happening, but there was also reports of like, obviously like corpses floating by. So I thought a clever opener would be my observation of,

That like, you know, nothing gets my dick harder than a bloated carcass floating by. Makes me want to fuck somebody too. And this is like a sold out show. Everybody was like, huh? And then I didn't realize that I didn't have the skill set to.

to recover from that. Like, I was like, I'm going to pivot now. Right. And they were like, no, you're not. So it was, I mean, I had hair and it was flop sweat. Like it was stuck to the side of my face, pouring sweat, pouring sweat. I ate shit so bad that like, you know, there's a hierarchy in standup. Yeah. The MC was like, how about that fucking douche bag? And I was like, yo, like you're the MC dude. He was like, you suck, dude.

By the way, I concur with your opinion that it was a great opener. That's hilarious. Dude, I thought I was like, that's the kind of... You're trying to convey what you think is funny. I think this is funny.

The crazy thing was I get off stage. First of all, the club owner comes up to me. She's the manager. She goes, I thought you were supposed to be funny. And I was like, oh. And then she goes, can you also not add? And I go, what? And she goes, what does that say? Because there was a count up clock. And I bailed at like 22 or 20. I was supposed to do 25. And she goes, do 25, dumbass. And I was like, right, sorry. Oh, okay.

Second show. Sold out. Every show is packed. Packed show. Do you remember who the headliner was? Yeah, it was Bert. Oh, okay. It was our first road gig together. Okay.

It's a packed show. I mean, it's paper. Don't think you can sell it. Yeah, of course not. I understand. So it was a five. But it was like packed second show. You could hear it bustling. And I do that thing where you go, like, don't be a pussy, right? Like, go for it again. So I do the exact same opener. Dude, I think I eat shit harder. It's like, it is worse. And it was the first time, because somebody had asked me, they go, have you ever had moments where you're like,

you know, maybe I shouldn't be doing this. And I remember, I go, I remember that was one of the first times I was in my hotel that night. And I was like, maybe I'm doing like, maybe I'm not cut out for this. Maybe I'm not good at this. Maybe I shouldn't do this. You know? Yeah. Sometimes it hits you so hard. It rattles you beyond like, wow, that sucked. Oh man. What did I, I gotta work that out. It's like, wow, I'm a fraud. I'm wearing a costume. A costume. I have to molt out of this. I remember I was like, I talked to Christina that night. She was like, how was the show? I was like, it was good.

they're a little tight you know i was trying to like i wasn't confessing the full story i was like yeah they're just that's kind of a weak soft crowd yeah and then it was that was friday night and then saturday night we have two more and i still remember burt coming up to me he goes can i just give you one one thought and i go yeah sure what he goes just open differently do anything else you want to do but just open on a different joke and i was like

And I went up there and I opened differently and it was like such redemption. I had like a gangbuster set. Yeah. Like one of those like, holy shit, you killed, you know, where like the MC was like, God damn. He was like, you really turned things around. I was like, yeah, I just didn't do my, yeah, a corpse. Sure. And, uh,

It's a tough one if you don't know how to pivot. That's a great way you said that. If you can pivot from a bomb, but when you don't know how to pivot, that's a giant hole to dig. Because I was too inexperienced. Now I feel like I could probably say even worse things and be like, well, I have the skill set to recover. I know how to zig and zag.

and kind of recover. But that's one of those things you can't manufacture. No, the, the skillset. No, you have to. And a lot of times if I, and I've had certainly had those moments, there's just good on the toilet. I'll tell the audience like, uh, you know, that they're right. And I, I see it too. I know what that just happened. We all know it sometimes bringing them in and they're like, all right, at least he's being honest with us. And we know that he knows what he's doing up there.

But when you plow ahead like, you know, that went as planned, that whole never let him see you sweat, like that doesn't work in that situation. No, that's because it's dishonest. It's dishonest. And they know, all of a sudden, they go, this guy doesn't,

He's not real. He's not in the room with us. Yeah, exactly. He's sweating and we see it and he's pretending that we don't. I mean, I've had even on this tour now, though, sometimes you're like, I'm just going to open with a local observation. Sure. You just fucking... You say it and you're pausing for the laugh and everyone's just like, is that the observation? And you're like... Yeah, so...

I just got back from a trip. I'm going to switch to the act. Yeah, I figured I'd go off book for a second. The director went, no. Could you say it the way it's written? Could you please just stick to the script? Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. I know, I was just trying to improv a little. I'm pretty good at it. It's easier now than it used to be because at least if it's your crowd, they are there, they know you're funny, and you can acknowledge it and move forward. But sometimes still, again, in the regular, in the cellar or somewhere where they're not there to see me,

you know, they don't, half of them are fucking NYU students. They have no idea who I am. Um, and it, it gets ugly. Yeah. That, I mean, I love the practice of doing like when I go, um, to LA, cause I go to LA more. And so I love about the OR is that like on the OR, uh,

If you walk in, there might be on any given night, maybe 20 of them are super stoked that I'm there. Yeah. And maybe 140 are super stoked that other comics are there and don't care. So then you're like, oh, like it is. You still have to like. Yeah. The joke's got to be there. Yeah. It's got it's a great test because they're not going to give me the we like you. So we're with you. Yeah. No, this is just what it is. Yes. Yes.

Seinfeld would say that, because he would go on at the cell, he goes, the first five minutes, like when you're on his level, he goes, they'll give you the first five minutes.

because they're happy you're there, but then you have to, it has to be good or you're going to tank. Yeah. I saw Robin Williams tank in that room. It was never an aggressive tank where they were like, fuck you. It was never like that, but it was almost like they would at one point stop laughing and wait for a joke that they liked. Yeah. That's the difference between being that guy and somebody else is like that you can still bomb, but they're not as mad at you. Yeah. It's the bombing looks differently. Yes. Yeah. I mean, I feel like actually one of the worst feeling is if you go to a club and

and you get like a crazy ovation in walking out and then it's flat the rest your whole set and you're like what was that why did you do that or what and I always go with no intro whatsoever I never wanted to try despise credit you don't want one of the best comedians working today I mean just to say he was he's been seen on it humiliates me humiliating or the worst is there would go we got a special guest

And it's like, what are you doing? Who? There's no special guest. Yeah. I was scheduled to be here. What did I have? One time I was with, I was in New York and Chappelle and Rock were doing one of those joint shows. Yeah. But like at a 500 seater. And they go, we have a, not them, but whoever was like up there was like, we have a special guest. And I was like, you realize they were like, oh, is it fucking Jon Stewart or something? You know? And then when they said me, you could tell people were like, what?

They were not excited at all. No, the worst is when the special guest, they go, woo! And then it's a tepid applause. They're like, oh, this guy? Somebody must know who he is. Yeah. Did you just bring Dave and Rock out? Yeah. Yeah, you don't ever want to be, as a special guest, you don't want to be smaller than the people they're expecting. Yeah.

way small that's humiliation yeah it was such a human they were like oh is fucking Cosby here yeah it was really it was a bummer dude yeah they do it at the cellar once in a while but I tell every host like no no intro no no I don't use my own name there so I used to get death threats from the it happened years ago from the radio show I started using fake names and I didn't want them people hassling the club yeah like you know what I mean like calling the club see my name just being dicks

And it just kind of stuck. So I use all these fake names when I'm working. On the set list? Like, I mean, on who's going to be there? On the outside, yeah, yeah, yeah. Except for the Wednesday night show I do, then it's my own name. But again, it was just at one point to stop the club from being hassled. And I had a couple of real fucking weirdos. Do you ever miss kind of the chaos of...

of the morning oh my god i'll be an anthony show of course it was it's the funniest thing ever i i loved because it was no pressure i would just show up yeah and be funny like and anthony would be fine and just hang out with comedians it was fucking great dude it was uh yeah i miss it a lot i mean it would there was a time capsule and i was i'm happy that i didn't sabotage it yeah like when things in life end right i go it sucks that it ended but

But I know that I showed up for it. I was really present when I loved it. Yeah. And I didn't blow it. Yeah. So that's how I live with it. Like knowing I didn't think if a relationship ends because someone gets killed in an accident, that sucks.

But it's a lot easier than you drunk driving and killing them. Yes. Because then you're like, why did I do that? Are you having fun with the podcast, though? Jim Norton Can't Save You? Thank you. Yes, love it. And I really do love it. It's mine, and I can talk to whoever I want. It's been very fun. We use callers because I still like that live...

Yeah, yeah. I kind of like having that. I had Anthony on again recently. I've had some great guests. It's fun. I hate saying it's fun, but I mean, it is. I just enjoy doing it. Yeah. I mean, fuck, man. It's been, I mean, I never had a radio job, but like 15 years I've been doing podcasts. Yeah. And it is fun because you just get to go like...

who do you want to have on and then have a conversation? It's like, it is still like the best thing. The only thing that misses again, the live interaction I liked because you know that a lot of people are hearing you. So any mistake, uh,

is everyone's hearing it. There is that one thing about being live where I know that they're hearing it now. I don't know why I just explained what live means to a comedian. Fucking idiot. No, I know exactly what you mean. No, I know, but the nerve of me to explain that to you. You do arenas and I'm talking. The microphone will convey, shut up, Jim.

Yeah. No, there's like, but there's that. You're right, though, because with the podcast, you always have that thing where you're like, hey, cut that out. Don't use that. Don't show that. Whatever. Right. You're more naked on the morning radio. You have a dump button, but that was only for things that would get you sued for slander or a last name. Somebody would call up, yeah, my girlfriend. They'd give her a name, and it's like, nah, drop that out because we don't know if he's lying or not, or we're going to get fucking sued.

for putting it out there. But that's the only difference is that you would dump something out of necessity or if it was a word that was going to get you fired. Somebody dropped an N-bomb or whatever. At one point, at one point, no one cared. But yeah, I miss doing that. I love that show so much. It's interesting to me too that like, I really commend you guys that

You were part of the circle of Patrice's circle, you know, of friends. That, like, when he died and I saw in the, you know, the years after the first year, second year, they're like, oh, we're doing this fundraiser, this thing for Patrice for his family or whatever. Yeah. I was like, you can kind of tell...

impact by how long they keep doing that. Yes. You know what I mean? It's like those people you're like, yeah, we'll do that once. And like, I feel like the fact that you guys have just done it every year, uh,

That you guys have been really committed to like keeping that going. I did. I think, I think you did the first 10. And the reason I, I still, I'll do them once in a while now, but it's almost like you want people to come see them. You don't want them to seem the same acts. Right. Which I'm really annoyed that I did the first 10. Cause I've also often thought if I died. Yeah. Fucking Patrice would have done one. Yeah. He would have done the first year and he wouldn't have been happy.

He would never be talking about me in interviews a decade later. A decade later. Like, I'm so much nicer to his memory than he would be. Right. I think all you guys are, like, really... Like, you really have upheld that, you know? I just found a video. I just found this...

where it was, we did a film called Furry Vengeance, which was a classic with Brendan Fraser and Brooke Shields and Patrice and I played construction workers. And he was so miserable and difficult on that shoot. It was very funny. And there's a scene where we have to dance at the end. It's just as the credits are rolling, it's one of those, we had to do a dance to, I think, a Cypress Hill song. And it's something that's very humiliating to have to like dance to. But again, it was part of the thing. It wasn't my idea. And I have video of us rehearsing and he was just so...

miserable and so it's such a Patrice not really wanting to commit to it and just being annoyed and there was no audience watching it was just me him and one of the other actors so I'm really glad I had that like I really did love him and he really was as funny as people think he was yeah but he was also I think a nicer guy than people think he was like towards the end of his life he started apologizing to people for things he had done that he felt like negatively affected them he felt bad really yeah yeah he started to feel bad about stuff he had 40

And I remember he called me one time. We were just, whatever we were talking about. And he goes, man, I feel irrelevant. And I'm like, what do you mean? He's got, I just, I feel like I'm irrelevant, completely irrelevant. Like it was just, he was the same as any other comic. You would have this great moments and his, his like, fuck, I'm a piece of shit moments. And I think he apologized to Jeff Garland for the way he was to him on tough crowd. And there was a few other people that he started feeling guilty. And it was because one of the things was he had done a project.

And there was one guy on the set being a fucking douchebag, but it was Patrice's project. And Patrice goes, am I that guy on somebody else's thing? And he goes, I never want to be that guy again on somebody else's project because now I see how upsetting it is when someone, you know what I mean? So he was a more self-aware person than people like, oh my God.

Wow, yeah, those dumb hats. I mean, none of us are proud of that moment. Yeah, well, that face he just made, it didn't seem like he wanted to be doing it. No, but that little move they were just doing there, that was, oh. I just, I can't. Furry vengeance. I've never seen the whole movie. That's hilarious. Yeah.

You had a big smile on your face. I did, yeah. I mean, I just, I knew I was on camera. I just was happy to be there. At least Patrice had the integrity to go, this sucks. I remember we had the same manager at the time and I remember he was being such a ball buster to the director in front of the other, like he was just so dismissed. He was like, he was at the table. Yeah. And I was like, dude, you're going to get us fucking, what are you doing? Yeah. We need to get fired. I called my manager. I'm like, you tell them this, you know, they're going to can him.

I'm glad we did that though it was just so awful more dancing yeah none of us were really proud to oh there's yeah that's the part I wish I had just in the barrel we're gonna put this barrel on you again perfect yeah that's awesome I'm glad I have that footage though it was just us in a room so it's like those little dumb things how long has it been 2011 I think

And I just, I've been thinking about him a lot lately because I did Ari Shaffir's podcast a few weeks ago and we were talking about the Brazil trips. And so he said, hey, you have any pictures? So I was going through a lot of my Brazil photos with him and with Keith Robinson and Bobby Kelly and Voss. So yeah, I was just going through all that stuff. Brazil, amazing? Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't go back. We went three times. This was around 2003 and four.

Radio was over at that point. We had gotten fired, so we were off the air for two years. So, yeah, we were going down there and going to the whorehouses, and it was fun. What's the best whore place? I only remember... You mean, like, in the world? Yeah.

I mean, for me, my big, that to me was not one of them because I prefer English speakers because again, the communication is sexy. I don't want someone who's just going to go, here you go. And then like, I like someone who can talk dirty. Yeah. Yeah. Um, New York or LA for me has been the best. Wow. Because there's the most people to choose from. Oh, um, Amsterdam. I didn't do it when I was there. I was like, ah, I,

I looked around. I think I went into one, but it might have been in Antwerp, Belgium. There was another place. And I kind of just did it to do it. Yeah. But I kind of like when the person, you get to know them a little bit. Yeah. Over time. Have a little rapport going. A little rapport going. Yeah. I like that a lot. New York's for me the best. There you go. New York, man. They really do have everything. Yeah. So you never sleep. Yeah.

Be sure to check out Jim's new special, Unconceivable. It is out right now on his YouTube channel. Make sure you listen to Jim Norton Can't Save You, the podcast, and see him on tour. Are you on tour right now? I am on tour. I've got to change my tour name. By the way, I've said this about you, too. The best tour name is I'm Coming Everywhere. I was jealous I didn't think of that. But my tour picture is an abomination. I'm just an egg-headed, fat fuck. Man.

Now you know with a suit. I should have been shot for that. But I was just, I needed something. So yeah, I have to change the name of it. Okay, okay. But you can get tickets to see Jim is at JimNorton.com? JimNorton.com, yeah. JimNorton.com. All right, thank you for coming, Jim. I love you, man. Thanks, Tom. Love you too. All right, bye guys. Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert.

One goes to the top of the swath, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.