Mark Normand Is A Gay Dad | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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100% Well, Bert is having 16 feet of intestines removed this week. We wish him well in his recovery and sitting in for him. He's gay. He's Muslim. He's hilarious. Give it up for Mark Norman, everybody. There you go.

Thanks for coming in. Good to be here. Good to be back, Tom. Thanks for having me. Absolutely. Oh, nice fart, man. I was sitting on that one for a minute. Have you ever had farts go wrong? Yes. What are you kidding? I'm American. I'm human. Definitely had some splatter in my day. Yeah. We've all had a shart. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Trying to think of a good one. One time I sharted on a date and I could feel we were going to hook up and I had to just

Get out of there, like, get the panties off. Yeah. My panties off. And before we, you know. How did you, did you leave the date? Or did you just go like, oh, I've got to go to the bathroom. I just did the bathroom thing. And cleaned up. Yeah. Yeah.

Because if you're getting head or something, you're just assuming she can smell the shit. Oh, yeah. You know, right when those pants come off, the air opens up. Oh. And was it bad? Was it pretty bad? It was pretty bad, yeah. And I'm not a shorter. I got a tight b-hole, quite the balloon knot. But every now and then, I feel like once a year, you get stung.

Yeah, I think with every year that goes by, they're more likely to happen, you know? You think so? Well, I'm saying as you get... I can only imagine in our 70s, we're going to be sharding pretty often. Yeah, that's true. I remember the... I mean, the last one was...

was in a bathroom at a urinal. And I just went to, I was like, oh, I got a little fart, whatever. And just fucking disaster came out. At least you were in the bathroom already. That's the best place it can happen. Yeah. Yeah, I've had them, I mean, at home, like those are like, they're horrible, but you're like, at least I'm home. Yeah. But like, yeah, out in public is, on a date feels like a,

Were you at her place? No, we were at a bar. Oh, my God. But I could tell it was going well. I was like, oh, nothing kills that confidence. No. Like a shart, too. No, a shart really wakes you up. Yeah, so...

It was bad, but yeah, rarely do it. I got a baby now, and he's sharting like a motherfucker. That's what they do, man. They just fucking shit and piss for years. But the beauty of a baby is when it sharts in the diaper, you're like, hey, this is a good day. Good day, yeah. Usually it's fucking Katrina and Flintwater in there. Oh, yeah. And then you get spasms.

Yes! You ever have the thing where you change the diaper and you're like, alright, that was a giant load of dung and waste and then you put a new diaper on and they shit in that one. Of course. How old's your baby now? He's 38. No, he's four and a half months old.

Oh, you have a little baby. Oh, he's a big sack of jizz, and it's finally getting good. He's laughing, he's smiling, he's racist. Yeah. So he's fun now. Yeah, that's the best, dude. Yeah, sleeping through the night and everything. Once that happened... At four months? Oh, yeah. That's awesome, man. Yeah, we hit him with a dream feed. You know about the dream feed? Dream feed? Oh. That's what you call it, where you feed them at midnight, and they don't even wake up. They just drink. And then they're just...

Yeah, like Bert.

And then I just go up to Bert, give him some vodka. That's exactly what he wants. But yeah, so he sleeps through the night now, and it's huge. Save the marriage. Oh, it's a game changer. Sleep is what ruins the relationship. Yes. What do you got, six kids now? I have two, and they're six and nine. And yeah, man. The other one that some couples, it's so crazy to me,

I mean, your kids are going to jump in bed with you, but some of them just go like, yeah, our baby sleeps with us indefinitely. And you're like, oh, that's a good way to ruin the relationship too. I know. Isn't it weird that anyone could have a kid? Like we have a fucking toothpaste behind glass at a CVS, but anybody could have a child. Yeah. You know, like the flat earther could have a kid. Anyone. It's totally legal. Isn't it crazy when you get to, like you have kids,

and then you look at your parents, and you're like, you're just like a guy. I know. That was walking around. I know. And you met this lady, and you banged her, and that's why I'm here. Yeah. But you're not special. Right, right. You're just a regular guy. I feel the same way with, like, a priest. You see a priest, and you're like, oh, the priest. But then you're like, this is just a guy with a boner and a mustache and a van, you know?

But he's a priest now. Yeah. But we have to go, oh, the pastor. Like the Pope. The Pope is a guy from Chicago. But we're like, oh, look at the Pope. And I'm like, he's just a guy who hates gays. The Pope goes to White Sox games. Yes, exactly. He probably said the N-word after he lost a bet. It's just a guy who's eating, what do you call it, a deep dish. Yeah, so it is. Everybody is just a guy. Just a guy. Tom fucking Cruz. By the way, I feel like...

Right.

And he's willing to die to give us like, hey, that was a good movie. He's willing to die. Yeah, movies are literally over. And he's like, I'll save him. I'll fly off this cliff in a motorcycle. It's insane. At 68. What is he? He's 62 now, I think. Oh, my God. He still looks great. He looks great. And he's doing all the stunts. And we're on Mission Impossible 4.

40? It's so... Did you see the latest one? No, I haven't seen it yet. I went because I wanted to see it before it was out of IMAX. They're usually only at IMAX for a couple weeks. And I went... First, it's long as shit. It's a three-hour Mission Impossible. What are they doing with that? I think they were just trying to put a button on the franchise for him. Oh, okay. Because they were like, it's the final reckoning or whatever, and it's the last one. And they do a lot of...

You know, they honor kind of the earlier one. There's like a lot of flashback stuff and tying things together. I think it was a... Story-wise, a little convoluted. Yeah. But...

putting on a like a show for us yeah just like watching this shit go down you're like this dude really just wants to give us incredible entertainment like there's nobody like him no nobody like there's actors who are obviously great actors and they're like yeah i'll do this movie sure uh and i'll say my lines and stand on my marks yeah this guy's like climbing on a plane it's

It's not CGI. I know. He's on a plane hanging off of the wing with a wire. Right. And then they're like, yeah, just keep doing that. And the fucking plane's going all over. He's dangling from the plane. See, that's the movie I want to see. I want to see the stunts...

you know going wrong or him dangling i don't want to see the movie i want to see him fucking up and be like oh shit that was crazy i almost died well it's like you realize that those like his movies especially like mission impossible they're just uh stunt showcases exactly they know they shoot what i've heard is that they shoot them first whoa so that he goes like you know we haven't done

me hanging off of like a single engine plane. Right. And then they're like, cool. And they shoot it and then they're like, all right, now let's figure out a story of how I ended up on that, doing that. Wow. So it's basically jackass. Reverse engineer it. Yeah. Jackass on another level. It's like, I'm not going to run into a bull cage. I'm going to fly off a plane. Yeah. Wow. We should just put them in like crazier situations. Like let's put them in Gaza. Oh yeah, that's right. This is like a few episodes ago. This is like...

Oh, wow. This is what I want to see. This is entertainment. He knew he had broken his ankle. I crawled over the wall just to get past camera because I knew this is the take. First thing he did was turn to the camera operator and say, did you get that? Oh. Broke his ankle. Ankle? Yeah. I looked down. Wow. That's bananas. Now, it just raises the question, what's going on in Scientology that makes you have to do that?

I don't know. This dude is, he's so wired differently. He is. Cause you, you get everybody who I've, I know a few people that have worked with him and have met him and they're like, it is, it is intense because when he meets you, he's there, like he is all in on you. He's, you get all his attention. Yeah. You feel like,

You're the most important person, and he's really engaged. And he's also, you know, this is like somebody I think no negativity is allowed in his strategy. Really? Whoa. And he just, you know, this is him, what, eating popcorn? Yeah. Fascinating guy.

Fascinating guy. You heard that Jimmy Kimmel story where Jimmy Kimmel finally started getting up in the ranks in Hollywood and he had a big Super Bowl party and he invited Tom Cruise and he's like, oh my God, it's going to be great. Tom Cruise shows up with cupcakes and his mom.

And he's just a bunch of degenerates like Adam Carolla and Bill Simmons and all these dudes. And they're all drinking beer and farting. And they're like, oh, hey, Tom's mom. You know, this is weird. But that's who he is. I think he's kind of a dork. I think so. Oh, 100%. I don't mean it in a bad way. I just mean he's so type A and so structured, probably like,

Wake up, it's the train, egg whites, meeting. You know what I mean? Like, goes through his shit. Yeah. And then he's obviously, like, just every year he's like, no, I'll do another fucking insane action stunt movie and I'm 62 years old. Wow. Yeah. You'd love to talk to the Nicole Kidmans and the Katie Holmes. Yeah. Get some scoop on the sexual side. Yeah, what do you think? I think he's...

Well, if he does anything like the movies, he's got to go all in. He's probably really lasting a long time. A lot of breath work. Yeah, a lot of wacky positions. I'm sure he's got a swing. Right, it's not just like, hey, blow me. No, God no. He's got to go all in. His mom's there, there's cupcakes. There's cupcakes.

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Slash bears. So wait, are you loving being a dad? Is this like a fun... I'm loving it now. Now, the first two months are pretty brutal. It's just keep this thing alive. You're on no sleep. You're not getting laid. So now it's great. Yeah, it's a fun...

But are you going to do more, you think? I think I'm going to do one more. Yeah. Two is great. Yeah, I'd like to have one that's not downs. Yeah. So that would be helpful. But yeah, two is fun. And you got the good ages. You're right in that gooey, fun kid phase. They are very fun. Yeah. This age is very... They both have... You don't know when it's going to happen. I think it starts to happen at four where the...

you see a real individual personality start to pop where you go like, oh, this is who this person is. Yeah. And then obviously with every year it kind of comes out more. So these two guys are like very distinct personalities. Yeah. And they're very fun. And they're kids. They just want to have fun all day. I mean, they're a good time. Man, I can't wait. It's very cool. Are you one of these dads? A lot of dads I know have kids your kid's age and they're like, I'm sending them to summer camp.

get the hell out of my house. No, no. I think I'd want to hang out with him. No, it's funny. This is, I think this is going to go quick. Like, the nine-year-old, he's still, I describe it as like,

has an innocence to them, right? Yeah. And you start to calculate in your head that the innocence will disappear in a number of years. Right. Like, in other words, where they'll just become more either cynical or jaded by, you know, just like how life evolves. Yeah. But at this age, they're still, like, totally innocent. Yeah.

And it's fun to be around them, you know? So what are you doing? You shielding the porn and shielding the Twitter and all that? You know, it's funny. Like, they definitely don't have access to that, but they'll still come home and say wild shit. Really? Yeah, because it's because of...

Sure. But that's not new. No. We were doing that. We were doing the same thing. Like, the latest one, which made me laugh so hard, is they go, what can I say except that I'm gay? I was like, have you been hanging out with Mark? I think that's a new Carmichael special. Yeah.

They say all kinds of crazy shit. Slang, things where you're like, oh, you know, yeah, you think Elon Musk? And like, how do you even know who that is? And they're like, everyone knows him. And you're like, oh, yeah, I guess. It seems inevitable now because we had, oh, look at this porno mag or whatever. Now it's like, look at Two Girls, One Cup. I mean, you can just pull out an iPad and show people a guy's head getting cut off. It's crazy. We had to pass around a tape or something. Thank God they still have zero interest in that.

right now. Yeah. So I like to be like, do you have a girlfriend? And they're like, fuck you.

They get mad at the suggestion of a girl. Right, right. It's like an angry gay guy. Yeah, yeah. But it's adorable, man. No, I want to be with them, especially in the summer, because we work all the time. We're always gone. So it's like I can take some time off in the summer and actually do stuff with them. It's going to be fun. My parents work from home, so they were like, get out of here. Oh, right. They had a law firm in the house. In the house? Yeah, yeah.

Because they were too cheap, I think, to rent a building or whatever. So they're like, we'll just do it in the big house. Is your boy their first grandchild or no? No, my brother has two kids. And he's like a real person. He has a job and a wife and two kids. Yeah. And I tell dick jokes. Right, right. But are they thrilled? They've got to be thrilled to have another grandkid. Oh, yeah. They're loving it. They're loving it. And I got it in at the buzzer. They're getting old. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

No, they... Yeah. You give them a little taste of that and they love it on the way out. Yeah. It's weird. I don't want to get too queefy on you, but...

I see the little boy, and then I see my dad, and I see mannerisms that I do that they both do. So now I got two generations that I'm like... What's the word? I'm like replicating. I see my dad do a thing with his hand. I'm like, oh, shit, I do that. And I see the boy do a thing with his tongue, and I'm like, I do that. Same thing. Yeah, I see it too. It's very strange. Yeah. And one is like, for me, one is...

so much more like me. Oh, really? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's two boys? Two boys, yeah. Yeah, one of them is like, I mean, he looks like me. He does like so many of the, it's so funny. Like he's a kid and he's like, I sleep in boxers. And he's like, since he's four, he takes his shirt off and he gets in his little shorts and he gets it. And he does shit like, like puts his hand behind his head. Oh, yeah. Like all the stuff that I did and do and my dad did. The kid also sleeps with an eye mask, which I'm like, what the fuck?

So, fuck. Whoa. He's like, I can't have any light, which is exactly how I am. Wow. Yeah, same thing. He's a little diva. And all the, like you said, little gestures. Yeah. And then when he snaps at something, he's like, oh, for fuck's sake. Like, Christina will look at me and she'll be like, that's you. Whoa. So, do you like him more or like him less because he's like you? I guess I...

I don't want my kid to be like me at all. No, I mean, it entertains you in a way. And then what you see sometimes, I think, that is like the real mind fuck...

is they're displaying one of your behaviors that is not flattering oh right and then i go oh that's what i do and that's not great he's jerking off at a playground you're like that's me god damn it god damn it i gotta rein that in yeah yeah but you know i heard bill burr say years ago he was like i wish i did this 10 years earlier yeah about having kids and that that like really got in my head

Because, you know, we're comics. We like to prolong everything. We got the Peter Pan thing. Yeah. Yeah, but I get that because sometimes you go like, oh, if I had done it with like some of our friends have kids like right out of college or whatever. Yeah, that's brutal. Yeah, and I'm like, well, right now, yeah, the kid would be in his 20s. I'm like, yeah, but I wouldn't have been able to do anything that I did. Exactly, exactly. Now I'll be kind of an older dad, I guess. I don't know. Yeah, that's a little scary, but. But not that old.

Not that old. And I think people are living longer. Yeah. You know, Tom Cruise is still hanging on a plane. Yeah, he's fucking 62. Come on. Yeah. We're fine. We're fine. I've always wanted to ask you this. Who do you like more, Joe List or Sam Rowe? I get

I get this a lot, actually. Do you really? I get this all the time. I'll do like a Q&A after a show, and that question comes up all the time. Well, you know, Sam's Jewish, so that takes him down a peg. For sure. But Joe's got herpes. No. I don't know. They're both great in different ways. Sam is like... I started writing jokes with him right when I started comedy. We did open mics together. Would you guys actually write together? Oh, yeah. All the time. We had writing sessions. No shit. A couple of nerds, yeah. And then like...

Try one? Hey, what do you think of this? All the time. Really? All the time. If you watch my specials, some of them, like, that's a Sam line. That's the Sam line he gave me. And then if you watch his, I'm like, I gave him that line. I gave him that line. Wow. So there's a lot of joke love, a lot of comedy love, and coming up together is always fun. Yeah. Yeah.

But then, and we drink. He's like my drinking guy. Well, yeah. Joe got sober. Oh, right. But then me and Joe have this weird gay connection with this crazy rapport. And so, I don't know. It's tough. It's hard to say. Yeah, no, I get it. I mean, it's cool that you get to do podcasts with both because you get Tuesdays.

Tuesdays with Stories, and then you get We Might Be Drunk, which are appropriate titles for both. And we get so busy. You've got kids, you've got the career, you've got a TV show, you're all over the place. So now to hang out with your friends, you almost have to monetize it. I know. You have to make it like a podcast just to get some hang time. That's 100%. And something you would never predict, right? Yeah. Because every time I'm...

Like if I'm at home and someone's like, hey, let's just hang out. I'm like, I can't hang out, dude. I can't hang out. I just got home. Exactly. I can't hang out. My wife's like, you never come home. And I'm like, we should do a pod. That's what you do. That's what I did. That's smart. You get to see your wife. Actually, no joke, that is sometimes the most time we'll spend together in a week. That's what I'm saying. Because you land, right? And you're like, all right, we've got to go do it. We actually hang out for a couple hours here. And then you leave, and you're like, we've got 20 things to do.

It's sad but true. Yeah. But at least you can monetize this. Now you're getting paid to hang out with your wife, which, you know, that's how it should be. That's how it should be. God damn it. God damn, lady. Did you see Tim's CNN interview? Oh, shit. I loved it. It was great. I was jerking off to that thing. It was amazing. That lady, she seemed very nice, but how clueless she is is so funny to me. And that's...

who represents one of the biggest news networks in this situation. I know. This is the representative of one of the largest news organizations in the world. Yeah. And it's like,

Which kind of speaks, I think, to the state of journalism. 100%. Because you'll see a lot of times people, if you pay attention, ask questions now, and you're like, do you have any idea what you're actually even asking about? Are you keyed in on this at all? I mean, you ever watch those man on the street videos where a guy will go to a university and be like, what do you think of Hamas? And they're like, oh, that's a cool group.

You know, I love their podcast or whatever. And you're like, wow, you're out to lunch. Yeah. But yeah, the CNN interview was like a great comedy moment for all of us. I feel like that was a win for us. I thought so, too. He was really good in it. Dude, I would have been like, are you fucking nuts? You crazy broad? What are you nuts? You know, but he was like, he's a sassy fat gay. And he kept it down. I was impressed. He kept it classy. Yeah.

Yeah, he was really articulate, and his stream of consciousness was very clear, not disrupted. He just kind of rolled with it so well. He rolled with it, and he always had an answer. Sometimes you're like, ah, well, hold on. That's not true. Wait a minute. He was like, what about this comedian, this comedian? He had a list of everything. He was on it. Yeah, he was really good for it. I mean, it's funny because he could be so ridiculous on this show, but like...

He really is a super smart guy. Oh, very smart guy. He's got great takes. He's thinking about everything all the time. He's an ex-Coke head. So now without the Coke, this is his drug, is the culture. I laugh so hard when I think about that. I think he used to sell mortgages. Yeah. And I'm like, you had to have been an animal. Oh, my God. I can only imagine the false confidence I would have if he told me, like, you should get this loan. I'd be like...

really and yeah he'd go on one of his little rants and i'd be like i think i should too yeah the amount of old people he screwed over is fucking terrifying people probably every once in a while go on youtube like that's the guy that bankrupted me like that's why i yeah i left my house and my kids that didn't go to college it's because of that guy exactly

You're on more lives than COVID in a nursing home. But yeah, yeah, he's a brilliant dude and a funny comedian. And it's funny how many people don't get him. Like, sometimes you'll watch his podcast. You're like, that's hilarious. And they're like, this guy's crazy. He's wearing a Muslim outfit and shouting to Allah. You're like, he's joking. Yeah, it's a joke. Summer is here.

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over completely i know like people just watch it and they're just everything is ranting and raving screaming at something they don't get i know i gotta get over that i'm like 20 years in the comedy or whatever and i still read a comment where somebody's like is this supposed to be funny and i'll just write yes yeah like that's why i posted it i'm a comedian it's getting laughs in the room like yeah it's supposed to be funny but i'm like

mad at this person. What am I engaging? Yeah. No, I think I graduated from that. Good for you. Yeah. I think I did for a long time too. And then it's also so much more pleasant not to engage. I know. I know. Like I get, don't get it worked up. Yeah. You just see it and you just kind of go, it's fucking whatever. What's the trick? I mean, I think it's just like you're getting to a point where once you do stand up long enough,

right you have a certain level of exposure you fully accept i'll never like not everyone's ever gonna like you yeah ever sure like not everyone likes whoever you want chris rock right feld that's true like there's people who go like i hate this person i i hate what they're saying they're not funny yeah so you're like well if like the the top of the food chain gets that

You know, the rest of us have to get it too. Yeah. And like, I'm going, are those guys engaging with people who... No. No, of course not. And then I think you just start to like process that and you're like, oh yeah, I'm never going to win everybody over. You never go, good point. You got me there. Yeah. So I just go...

I'll post the thing, and if someone doesn't like it, I just go, yeah, cool, I'm fine with that. Yeah, Neil Brennan had that great joke where he said, if you look at Beethoven's Fifth Symphony or whatever the famous one is, the first comment is, gay. And you're like, well, there you go. It's like this beautiful piece of music that's lasted for centuries. This is gay. Exactly. So that's all you need to know, folks. Yeah, you can't...

It's a time suck. It's an energy suck. It is. It is, yeah. And it's not the people who like it aren't writing. Yeah. Maybe you'll get like a ha-ha or it's funny, but the bad outweighs the good. Right. And people who love things that you do are never going to spend as much time as someone who doesn't love it. Yeah. Just never. That's true. And also, this is the other one. How do you think a person's...

life is going who spends time going you suck do you think it's somebody who has like a lot of shit going on yeah and who's doing well good point

I mean... It's crazy. It's crazy. It is, like, separate from the world, the real world, though. I know. I gotta move on. Because, like, you know, imagine if, like, a politician read all that shit. They would be like, I can't run anymore. No, of course. This guy's gonna kill me. Oh, my God. Can you imagine if somebody actually digested the hate at, like, the presidential level? Oh, my God. I mean, that would... You'd be suicidal. Suicidal. I mean, type in Obama...

slurs on Twitter and it's just never ending. Yeah. It's wild. Yeah. Or like Trump too. I'm sure. Sure. Sure. He just, you know, he tells them, tell me good, good news. Yeah. Right. So they report like, oh yeah, this person loves you or people are saying you did great. And he's like, that's cool. Great. Wow. Yeah. They're definitely not telling him, you know, the bad stuff. Yeah.

Yeah, which is like his own self-induced therapy. Yes. Where he's just like, tell me some great shit people are saying. And there's probably a lot of delusion there, but he seems happy and he seems to be still thriving as Trump. I mean, one of the craziest things that it became normal to us, but it's fully insane, is that when he became president on the last time,

He's like, I'm doing a rally this week. And you're like, you're already the president. Oh, yeah. Because those rallies were just like positive vibes only. Ego boost. Yeah. And then he would leave there like, that was awesome. Right. That's just to feel good. And he could be so hypocritical. Like, I'm sure if Biden accepted a plane from Saudi Arabia, he'd be like, well, that's crazy. But when he gets one, he's like,

That's what you do. This is business. It's a plane. I'm not going to give a gift away. What am I going to do? Not fly? Exactly. Oh, okay. By the way, getting a plane from the Middle East is crazy. That's like getting a train from Auschwitz. They're the ones giving us the plane? We've got a little history there. I mean, we're going to get a bat from China? And then it's like...

He's like, I'm going to take this plane. And they're like, are you going to keep it for your personal use? He's like, no. Which you know that shit is going to be like, he'll leave office and be like, I decided to use the plane. Fuck off. He's going to use it as a car. He'll just drive the plane around. Definitely. And they're like, it'll go to his presidential library. You're like, huh? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, no. There's a lot of grifting done at that level. Oh, yeah. It's everybody. I know Trump gets the shit for grifting, which he is, but Pelosi's grifting. Everybody's grifting. All high-level politicians. It's about enriching themselves and their friends. Exactly. And we all do this left and right thing, but they're all fucking crooks in a suit. I can't believe anybody actually ever buys into...

you know, this person, what they're most interested in is just helping the American people. And you're like, you buy that for real? I know. Are you that dumb? And they give a speech and then they show on YouTube a speech a year later and they're saying the exact opposite thing. And you're like, what are we doing here? Yeah. Like some people bought into...

Elon bought X to champion free speech. I'm like, that's what you believe. You think that he's just like a free speech advocate that spent $44 billion in the name of free speech. And they're like, yay. I'm like, okay, cool. Yeah, it's all silly. I try to avoid a lot of it, but it's so in the culture, it's hard to avoid. It is. It is. So how long have you been in New York now? Is it 20 years? 2008? 2008.

2007, so we're getting there. We're getting there. Yeah, it's a tough road, but we're finally... I finally beat New York. It's like a video game. It is. I finally beat it on hard. You did, like, the shitbox. Shitbox. I got mugged. I got bedbugs. I got, you know, broke and open mics. Open mics were the hardest.

Out of all those, you know, I had a landlord die of AIDS. I had just a crazy... Open mics was the hardest of all those. Well, just like trying to have a day job, then do open mics, and you're eating shit every night, and then running around the city and getting lost and having no money. It was pretty brutal. Horrible, horrible. Just the amount of apartments. I lived in apartments with comics who have since quit. Yeah. There's a lot of that. That's a big thing where I talk to other people and I go, you know,

One of the things about having any chance in this career is sticking to it. You know what I mean? Yeah. When the years go by, sometimes we sit around and we go, remember this person and that person? Yes. And they just kind of fade away. And you're like, well, who's...

who has done well and you're like well some of the people who's done well just were the ones that like kept doing it right their tolerance for pain essentially that's what it is it's pain but i think a big part of it is like having a low bar like i when i got into this i was like if i can just not have a day job yeah i've made it totally but everybody wants this viral you know they want to be matt rife and you're like just be a comic yeah if you really like it just you'll be happy with just doing clubs for the rest of your life yeah we had no like when i was starting

Thank God there was no reference for like, get this clip up and going. I know. We didn't have any of that. It was really, I got so in on the club system. And when I had seen, like I worked with some people that sold out a weekend. Yes. I was like, that's the craziest thing I've ever heard. Crazy. That six shows had 300 people sold out. Yes, exactly. That was just to me like,

that's the mountaintop. Right. Same. And then adding a show was insane. Or how about when you do a gig and they're like, you do a gig a year later and a guy's like, I came back. I'm a fan. Whoa, you came back. You saw me on the poster and said, I'm going to that. Yeah. That's crazy. That's that to me was like, that was, yeah, it's like, it's too, um, they're getting too distracted. I agreed. Yeah. It's, it's a blessing and a curse because you have the internet. You can just put it all out there. You can expose yourself. Um,

Get a ton of fans, but also anonymity is a gift. Get good in the shadows first, but they want it too quick. Yeah, I think that like, because I get it because, you know, if you put up a clip of your stand-up, it could be the thing that gets people to know who you are. Yes. But not if it's not a good clip.

You know what I mean? Like putting that clip up in your first year. Like there's people who are like, I just did stand up. Here's the clip. You're like, this is terrible. Terrible. Like take this down. You don't want to share this. I know. But how will people know who I am? You're like, well, they shouldn't know who you are. They shouldn't. Yeah. But, you know, we were impatient, too. We just didn't have the outlet. We didn't have the. I know we would have done it. We would have done it. Yeah. But it is something you can look at, I think, clearly and go like, oh, wait to do that.

Right, right, exactly. Yeah, because comedy takes... You wouldn't put a guitar clip of you the first week. You're like... You're all out of tune. But with comedy, you just do it because that allure of going viral is the clicks. Yeah, and there's this thing, too. You have these... You're kind of thrown. You don't realize it, but when you're really new and you say something and it gets a laugh, you're like, oh, I'm getting laughs. Yes, yes. And you're like, that's not... Those aren't...

It's not what you think it is. I know, I know, but it is tempting to... It's very tempting. ...to go viral and all that. But you should wait. You should definitely wait. You should wait, but I think the unknownness of like, will I make it? Yeah, yeah. What's going to happen in the future? How long till I make it? I'm so poor right now. I need money. So I think, yeah, it's too tempting. It is too tempting.

And then I think a lot of those people, especially the ones who stick to it, are going to, you know, 10 years from now be like, I cannot believe I posted this shit. I know. I see old shit too where I'm like, ugh.

Like, I just see a clip and I'm like, I cannot believe that's out there. And even that clip was you, that was like you working hard at that bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Probably. It wasn't just the first time you did it. No, it's like a TV clip. Yeah. And I'm like, this is terrible. Yeah. Yeah. But you ever see old, like young comics talking and they're, it's all numerical. Yeah.

It's all like, hey, did you hear Bob got 300 retweets? Or this guy got 9 million followers or whatever. It's all just views, followers, clicks, shares. It's not like... That's the measure. Yeah, it's not like this guy's got a great bit or she killed it last night. It's just like numbers, internet numbers. That's not good. It's sad. It's depressing. But I think it's just the way it is now. Yeah, that is...

Oh my God, can you imagine how much Burt would have posted? Oh God, I know. Jeez, that would be scary. You've toured with him. Many times. I love him. I mean, we go way back and he took me to Europe when I had nothing. I did Fully Loaded pretty much every year.

Yeah, I'm on the bus. The Burt bus. Did you ever have, I'm assuming you've had long nights with him, right? Oh my God. So many nights in Europe were wild. We went to a strip club in Copenhagen, I think, called the Waterloo. And he's getting a lap dance FaceTiming Leanne. And you're like, this is crazy. I mean, he came to my bachelor party. That was insane. Yeah.

The Fully Loaded Nights. And he's one of those guys who'll get drunk at the show and then be like, we're going to the bar. And he'll be like, after party at this bar. And I'm like, oh, we're going somewhere else, right? And he's like, no, no, we're going there. That, to me, was always the mark of lunacy with that guy. Yeah. Was when he started to really sell tickets and then...

I'd see a video, and I was like, what's going on in that bar? He's like, oh, at the end of my show, I told everyone, let's go to this bar. I'm like, you told the show to go to the bar? That's insane. It's insane. Yeah. And he's like, yeah, and I stayed there until like fucking 3 in the morning, and I bought shots. I'm like, you're crazy, bro. And he likes it. It's not like he's going, oh, I got to do this for my fans. He's like, no, let's get in there. I remember this so describes his personality. When we went, one time, I

Joe had sent us, like we did a, I think it was the weight loss contest or something. And they're like, what do you want to go to? It was like, I'll send you to like a sporting event. Right. So I was like, okay, let's go see the Warriors Cavs play San Francisco. Yeah. So he sent us up there. Like that was like our, our reward. Right. Yeah. So he sent us up there and it's just me and him.

We fly to San Francisco, stay in the hotel, and we go to the game. It's a fun game. It was like LeBron, Steph, you know, back. It was a fun game to watch. And then we're back at the hotel. He's like, all right, we found like a rooftop balcony or something. And we were smoking cigars, having a couple drinks. And then he's like, I go, all right, well, I'm going to go to bed. And he was like, why? I go, I don't know. I mean, whatever. It's midnight or one or something. He's like, but don't you want to like just...

keep this feeling going oh boy what he's like you know i mean like that whole like like there's like that buzz yeah and he describes it in such a like romantic way sure i was like i go uh no i was just thinking about going to sleep yeah he was like no stay stay yeah i'm like all right so i stay like a little while longer and i'm like how about now he's like let's just

Let's just stay here. I'm like, do you want to just live on the roof? Yeah. And you're like, go see your children. You have never talked about your daughters this way, Bert. I just was like, I go...

To me, I'm like, everything is just based on being tired. I'm like, aren't you just tired? He's like, no. He isn't. That's why he has to tour with younger people. Yeah. Because they can keep up with him. The guy's fucking athletic. I mean, we would do ski trips every year. And he'd be like, I'm going to snowboard today. And we're like, oh, wow. And then he would snowboard better than us. And then he'd be like, I'm going to ski today.

It's crazy. Yeah. And he's like drinking a beer on the slopes and then bam out there. Yeah. He has like really great body control. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Crazy hand eye coordination. He'll like skid off on the snow and then take a photo with a guy and then go back out there. It's crazy. It's insane. It's going to be sad when he's gone. Yeah.

How soon? What's your bet? I don't know. I mean, I don't want to spill the tea here, but every time I've been to his house, I can't help but notice the amount of pill bottles next to his bed. It's like 38 of those orange pill bottles, and you're like, is all that for your liver? What is that? Yeah, he's... I also feel like...

He might be one of those just guys. They're like, can you believe it? 96. I know. I know. Norm MacDonald's out, but Bert's still cruising. Bro. I remember, too, because we always, you forget how much, we all know how to take care of ourselves, but the biggest factor is still your genetics. I know. It's still your genetics. So true. And I know a friend of mine's granddad was like, smoked, drank, red meat, just partied. He was in his 90s. Hey.

Fine. There you go. Yeah, just fine. That's why black people, you're like, your friend's eating fried chicken and drinking grape drink, and you're like, you're going to live longer than me. And you're like, you got a six pack, you know? It's crazy. It's fucking ridiculous. Are you still doing the push-ups every day? Every day. I did them today. I'm hungover. I'm gay. And I still, I got to do them. It's a guilt thing. How many?

I'm up to a good... I do different. I do the diamond, then I do the arm lift, so I'm up to like, I don't know, 85. And then pull-ups too? Pull-ups too, but those are harder to find because you need the bar. Yeah, but you can bang out some pull-ups, right? Oh yeah, I think it's the best exercise. Yeah. Good for the back, the arms, the core. How many pull-ups are we doing? Well, I hurt my shoulder. I tore my cuff. Yeah.

You tore it? I tore my rotator or whatever. I don't know if I tore it, but it hurts. And it clicks. When I do this, it just keeps clicking. So I think something's wrong. But I can get up to 35 now. In a row? Yeah, I do 15, then I hang, and then I go back up for another 10, and then another 10. Bro. Hey! You know, I listen to Jocko Willenick, and I get hard, and I just start going. That's impressive, Mark, for real. Thanks. I'm trying to kill David Goggins. Yeah. Yeah.

Suck it, Gaggy. Do you run, too? Nah, I don't really run. But I walk. I live in New York, so it's all walking. Do you still love the city? I do. I live out in Brooklyn now. I got a backyard. I got the baby. So I feel like I conquered it. But it's hell. Don't get me wrong. It's a hellish city.

Piece of shit. Do you ever see yourself leaving New York? You think you'll be a lifelong New Yorker now? Maybe I'll leave because the taxes are bananas. You talk to Shane, he's like, I'm saving this much. You're like, oh, God, what am I doing? But I just, I'm from New Orleans. So I grew up in this kind of slow, hot, humid place.

Just kind of molasses. I do declare you're drinking a mint julep and a seersucker and have a slave. But I think I can't do that anymore. I can't go back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You ever go on the road and you're in some small town and you're like, I'm dying here? Yeah, of course. So I need the opposite of that.

So you have to be in a big city. I do, I do, yeah. And does your lady love New York, too? She loves it. She loves it. From there? She's from Cape Cod. Oh. So she grew up in the burbs, so she's like, that shit freaks me out. The burbs are weird, because everybody's like, the city, there's a guy jerking off, there's heroin. But the burbs, I feel like I was like, oh, shit.

and uh weird art teachers i have to i figured out like just having lived in so many places and even vacationing in places you go i can be in like a peaceful tranquil area but i have to have easy access to a city in other words yes i can't be like six hours from a big city no i need to be like like it's easy to get to yeah because i also feel out of my mind in a

like a small town totally yeah those guys who live out in these these crazy towns are like minnesota yeah and they have to like go in for groceries one day and get all their shopping done and come back i i would i would go stir crazy yeah i would too i like like even i think it's a fantasy

of like you know like the pacific northwest yes like you know idaho right kind of yeah yeah where you go that's fucking awesome but then i'm like i feel like i would in within a week i'd be like all right we got to fucking completely give me a starbucks yeah because we all fantasize about that shit but you still have your thoughts like even you go to hawaii you still got your shitty evil brain up here while you're on that beach chair

And that's the hard part for me. Yeah, your brain telling you. Yeah, the city calms that down. Isn't that weird? It's weird. It's like this loud, crazy place makes you feel relaxed. Yeah, well, I go to bed with a podcast. I can't have the silence. The silence is worse, so I just need some... You listen to a podcast? I just put a podcast on or I put an earbud in and I go to bed.

And then it's just very low volume? Very low volume. And I go, oh, that's interesting. And I start kind of fading out. Wow. But if it's no podcast, it's just like a Japanese game show going on. Really? Yeah, it's my childhood and every stupid thing I said, every mistake I made, every bomb.

Oh, yeah. That, to me, feels like you shouldn't smoke weed. I don't smoke weed. Okay. I don't touch it. Yeah. That, to me, feels like what you're describing would be exacerbated by weed. 100%. Yeah. Do you do the weed? Sometimes I do edibles, but I do mild, like, low doses. None of this fucking 100 milligram shit. No, like 510, where it's, like, comfortable. But...

Anything more than that starts to get into paranoia and anxiety, and I'm a bad person, and I don't want to do that. These guys who wake and bake. I'm like, are you nuts? You're starting your day with that shit? That's crazy. No, what I really want is some more Vyvanse. Ooh, who's holding? Fucking psychiatrists. That's like an Adderall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's good stuff. That, to me, has the best results. Yes. Like, focus, focus.

Like, you have tasks. Oh, yeah. And you know why Mulaney's so funny. You're like, that shit works. Is that his favorite? Is that his thing? Well, I think a lot of guys do the Adderall, then they get to the, you Coke it up after. You work your way up to Coke. Okay. Well, I got that to look forward to. Yeah. I mean, imagine what you'll, you get so much done. You're quite the entrepreneur. You got the book, the TV show, the booze, the pod, the standup. If you do a Coke.

Man, take over the world. You're going to be Elon. Hey, you guys, give me some Coke. Look at them right away. They're like, I'm holding. That's Austin. There's tons of Coke here. There's a lot of Coke here. What is your take on Austin?

I think it's like if L.A. fucked Nashville. Right. You know, it's like it's got it. You can feel it in the air. Like we all went out drinking the other night and it feels like L.A. felt in the 90s. Yeah. It's like hot girls and there's like potential and hope and industry and

But I do think it gets a little Groundhog Day out here. You know, you're at the mothership. Then you do a pod. Then you get drunk. Then you have a taco. Then you're at the mothership. Then you do a pod. Then you get drunk. You have a taco. So I can't. I could never live here. Yeah. Love to visit. Yeah.

Well, I leave a lot. There you go. I think, yeah, I like living here. You know, family's happy. It's a really great place to have kids and everything. But, yeah, when you want, you know, something else, yeah, it's just the nice thing is I'm like, all right, cool. I'm flying to L.A. I'm flying to New York. I'm flying to Chicago. There you go.

Go see something else. That is nice. Yeah. That's the beauty of our job. We can just get the fuck out. I love escaping. Yeah. Yeah. People are like, you're going to Poughkeepsie? That sucks. I'm like, I get to wake up at a hotel and go to a diner with a headphone in. Yeah. That's heaven. Diners are my dream. Me too. I love diners. Love diners. And now diners are all...

shitty now because they're all eight million dollars you're like 88 bucks i know how'd that happen i'm supposed to be fucking four bucks for eggs and bacon it's supposed to be me and a couple blue collar guys and one hobo sipping a coffee for eight hours and eggs hash browns and 11 yeah that that is the whole thing yeah and now they have these diners like in new york they have these diners but they're like

It's like I identify as a diner. You know, it's like a nice restaurant, but they have the old seats and the vinyl. But it's a million bucks. Is it true, by the way, that did you work as a janitor? I did for years. For years? Two years. Best job I ever had. No. Well, that's not true. But it was like.

Headphones in. You do your job. You mop. You clean this. You stock that. What type of place were you doing this at? At like a high-rise in Manhattan. So like a hedge fund place or whatever. And these guys would rent out offices. So I had a couple floors. They called it a porter. That's like the African-American of janitor. But you took deliveries out. Everything.

Every now and then you cleaned a big old miscarriage in the bowl. That was a bummer. Did you have a uniform, like a onesie? No, no, T-shirt and jeans, but you had to mop and you had to stock everything and clean. A lady would be like, hey, my desk fell apart. Can you fix it? And I didn't know how to do anything, so I'd just be like, yeah, sure, and I'd be in there with a screwdriver.

And like Fusebox, I had to learn about that. It was crazy. And this was ideal because you had daytime hours and then you could... Exactly. And I would write in the boiler room like Good Will Hunting. And it was a great gig. Did you ever keep up with anybody from then? No. And have you never run into someone who was like, hey, you used to like clean? No.

No, because these are like hedge fund guys. That's not my world. It was me and this other Mexican guy, and I taught him how to do everything. He taught me how to fix shit, and I taught him how to get a bank account and buy a cell phone and stuff. It was like a weird movie, like a feel-good movie.

He's like, yo, SA, you got a Chase account? Show me. So I would go in there with him. That's hilarious. You shouldn't just keep it in your jacket. You should put it somewhere. Exactly. So we learned a lot. He's gone now. Deported. Oh, nice. Sweet man, Esteban. Esteban. Esteban, if you're out there.

Don't come back. But that's the key is those labor jobs. I moved furniture. I worked as a gopher on a construction site. That was hell. And a janitor was easy. It's air conditioning. Not bad. Yeah, I was trying to go through all the gigs I had. Yeah. What did you do? I can't imagine you getting dirty. Oh, yeah. Well, the first gig was PA-ing, which is on shows. That's a good gig. That's a good gig. Yeah.

can it can break your back on like you know I mean like it's summer and yeah just like carrying cables and they're running going I mean you're just like spent at the end of that then I did some other post-production stuff so I was a post coordinator I went to the story department and

And then I did logging. You had to log the tapes. I didn't know you were immersed in the studio world. Yeah, that was like, there was a lot of that. I did a pizza place. Now we're talking. Yeah, off Riverside Drive in the Valley. Okay. Then I did another pizza slash counter service restaurant place.

in LA on sunset. Um, that was another gig I had. Then I was a site rep, um, which is a site rep is like,

If you own your house and you call this company and you go, productions can shoot at my house. I want to rent out my house. Oh, yeah. Well, when somebody books it and they go, all right, you're shooting at Mark's house, I have to represent basically you. Whoa. So I go there and I'm like, hey-

this is the guy's rules for his house. Whoa. You can put up this stuff, but you can't nail it to the wall. Right. You have to use tape. You kind of like are babysitting a product because the productions don't fucking care. Yeah. You'll literally be like, just make sure nothing goes on this wall. And they're like, got it. And you walk over here and someone goes, no.

And they just nail into the wall. Yeah. It's like you're babysitting productions. So did you work any freak-offs? Any big house fun stories? I mean, no. Porno? Oh, no. I wish. In LA in that time, I had porn neighbors. Oh, fun. Yeah. Taylor Rain was my neighbor. Taylor Rain. I'm sure that she's a- Pull her up. She was my next door neighbor. If you're listening, Taylor-

I wish we would have gotten together. Yeah, we lived at... Oh, hey, look at that. Yeah. Hey, she's cute. Oh, yeah, I've seen her. I've seen her with jizz on her forehead. Yeah.

That's her, yeah. Don't you meet a porn star and you're like, why aren't you blowing me? What are we doing here? It's kind of like when you meet a person and you're like, you're a comic? You're not that funny? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel that way with porn stars. I'm like, well, why are you not licking my asshole? You're a porn star. It's so true. Well, I, of course, I recognize her. Yeah. Oh, good for you. And I get like...

Kind of nervous, right? Yeah, of course. She's a star. I'm also 22, 23. Oh, primo porn age. Yeah, and I'm like, holy shit, that's Taylor Rain. And I remember one day, we're both parking in the parking garage. She wasn't outgoing. Sure. She wasn't like, hi. It wasn't like that, right? So you're in this Hollywood apartment complex, and one day I park and she parks. And they kind of had this like,

I say security. It was just like a guy in a jacket. And he was like, I'm getting stuff out of my car. She's getting stuff out of her car. And we're going towards the elevator. And the guy who basically does laps around the parking garage to make sure no one's car is getting broken into, I guess. Something like that. That's nice. So he's like, hey, uh.

I want to be in the movies. Oh, boy. And I'm listening. And she's like, oh, yeah? He's like, yeah, I can go for hours. She's like, well, you got to be able to do it with cameras and lights. And he's like, well, hook me up. Hook me up. She's like, yeah, OK, sure. Write your number down. I'll pass it on to someone. He was like, well, maybe we could practice. And I'm like, yeah, this is not going to work out for you, Bao. But then sometimes you would see her

In the elevator or walk down the hall with, like, other porn people. Whoa. Because they would hang out together, you know? Yeah. And she was a big weed smoker back then. Whoa. So they were always, yeah, tons of weed. As a 22-year-old, if you're in an elevator with, like, other porn stars, that's got to be insane. It is until you, like, I think it's all individually based personalities. Mm-hmm.

The few times I had interactions, she was kind of kept to herself. Sure, sure. She wasn't like... That makes sense. Yeah. So it was like her and her friend, they would hang out and talk and kind of look at you, hey, and she'd be like...

Yeah, I think they're kind of like comics. Yeah, yeah. They're a little broken. They have weird childhoods. And feel comfortable with their own types. Exactly, exactly. We put ourselves on the line as well as they do to get entertainment. Yeah. You know? It would be crazy to, like, get off the elevator. We walk down the hall. I go to this room. She walks past that room. I look, that's Taylor Rain. And then you just go inside and you pull up Taylor Rain. You're like, oh, shit, look at this. Yeah.

I did that with Stormy Daniels. Really? When she was in the news, you're like, hey, I'm doing research. Yeah. You know, you're like, I see this woman in a courtroom, and then you get to see her get raw dogged by like eight guys. It's pretty crazy. Pretty crazy. It is pretty cool. Yeah. It's crazy that Trump was inside. I mean, the whole, imagine Trump on top of her is insane. It's insane. Yeah. Anyone else hard? You guys hard in there? Yeah, porn stars are fun. Would you ever do that AVN?

Would you ever host it? I think there was a time where it made sense for me. It looked like the...

stand-up I was doing and the age I feel like at this point it's like there's it's like any you know people are like hey would you ever do the daily show right you go as a institution and it's great yeah but then my my next answer is like there's 10 people better for it yeah I mean like they're better at it for like and I feel like at this point I'd be like oh I would recommend 10 other people to you first yeah and it's not like you need it

No, it's... Yeah. I mean, yeah, there's a time where it probably really is a boost for you. And I think it fits whatever you're doing. But at this point, I'd be like, I'm fucking the dad. Yeah. I'll give you a couple animals. It'll be great. We have friends that would nail it. Would you do it? You'd be great at it, I think. Ah, no. That's too much work. I mean...

What, you mean host it? Yeah, yeah, or fuck somebody on it. Yeah. What? What? No, I don't want to host anything. People are like, oh, you'd be a good late night guy. I'm like, that's such a horrible job to me. I don't want to do it. You got to talk to Snooki. You got to be there every day. You got to wear a suit. It's brutal. I don't want to do that. No, this is great. We're hungover. We're drinking...

Where was the drinks last night? Well, we did Kill Tony and Woody Harrelson was there. So we all tried to really hang out and impress him. Did he hang out? He hung out. He was that guy. Talk about some weed. Oh, yeah. Woo! I mean, this stuff was, I took a whiff of it and it was insane. I wouldn't want to get near it. And did he stay out with you guys? Oh, yeah. He stayed there all night. What time did you guys leave? Well, you know, you go to Mitzi's and it's just a big, big.

Big shit show. I don't know, probably got home at like 3 or 4. Oh, that's a late night, dude. We had a late night. Well, you know, Ari, he can go.

Yeah. For a 71-year-old man, he can really put them back. Old, sweet, old Jewish guy. And there's something about Austin. It brings the evil out of you. Like, you live here now, but when you visit here, it's like something in the air. Three-something in the morning. You want to befriend RFK when you land here. Yeah. Something here. You just want to have a taco and shoot a hog out of a helicopter. Yeah.

It does kind of bring, there's places that bring it out of you. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And this town is just so free. Like when you live in New York, it's like very progressive. So then you come here and everybody's like, here's a MAGA hat and a joint and a gun and kill that lady trying to get an abortion. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, that's on the billboard. Yeah, yeah. No porn on the phone here, boys. Isn't that wild? It's the land of the free, but I can't look up Pornhub. You got to give them your ID. Ah, what am I, a migrant? Come on. No, it's fucking bullshit. Bullshit. So I bought a gun. Did you? No, I'm just kidding. You want one?

I would fuck it up. I shouldn't have one. Really? Yeah, I'd drink too much, and it would just sit there on my coffee table, and I would twirl it. Something bad would happen. Yeah, okay. Probably best. Yeah, do you have any? I have a few, yeah, yeah. Nice. Do you go to the range? Sometimes, yeah. Oh, that's fun. Not as often as I want to go, but yeah, it's fun. So it's not protection. It's just like, I'm having a good time with these. Well, I guess it has that benefit, but I like the...

It's such a humbling thing to go and start and be like, God, I'm so bad at this. Yeah. And then with good instructors, it's like anything. It's like a golf swing. You go, oh, shit, this feels better. So it's fun. It's a fun practice. What about the kids, though? Are you ever going to show them or are you hiding? Yeah, I would rather take them to a safety course and get them comfortable around it.

Than to see it as this thing that like, oh, maybe we should, maybe we shouldn't, and then not know what they're doing. I'd rather have them feel like they have tremendous respect for this device and what it can do and know how to do it than to just be like, no, just never. Because you know that they're going to pick one up one day. I know, I know. Yeah, I'd rather teach them. Because this morning, my six-year-old was like, when are we getting guns? Whoa.

Whoa, school shooter. He's going in there. I go, I got to talk to a guy. We got to get you into a class. And he's like, come on, man. Come on. Wow. Is this the one that's like you? Yeah. He's like, come on, man. Yeah, come on, dude. Give me that fucking pistol. Take this sleep mask off and get me a gun. All right. We got to run, but...

Don't forget to watch We Might Be Drunk, Tuesdays with Stories. Of course, check out Mark on the Road. Are you doing dates now? All day long. I got a million dates. Go to PunchUpMarkNormanComedy.com. I'm in Rochester and Portchester and San Jose and Eugene, Oregon and Dallas. I'll be coming to your dad. There.

There you go. He's one of the best out there. Go get tickets. Go see him live. Listen to the podcast. Thank you for coming, man. Thanks for having me, Tom. Good to see you. Comedy. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes to the top of the swath, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.