Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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Hey guys, brand new episode of Two Bears, One Cave. It's me and Tommy and our health regimen. We believe wholeheartedly in IVs. Giving us our IV today is Coco. Coco is about to stick Tom. If you have a fear of needles, turn your head. Run that timer, boys. You know, the majority of people, majority of people have this as their biggest fear. Needles? Needles. Yeah. Here we go. I love watching it. One, two, three.

Boom. She's good, isn't she? Yeah. I've actually never seen one go in right there. No? No. Well, you had a big juicy one there, so it was like pick me, pick me. Do you ever hear of Christian McCaffrey's story of getting one? Christian? Christian McCaffrey? No. So his dad used to get IVs every day before big games for him. He'd take him to go get him an IV. Yeah. One time, Christian McCaffrey, he's like fucking 12. His dad was a savage. Yeah, his dad really prepped him. And the guy missed the vein. Yeah.

And his arm, Coco, you've heard of this? His arm just started swelling up with fluid. Oh, no. And Chrissy McCaffrey's like, Dad? Dad? And his dad's like, take it out. Let's go. Let's go. And he gets in the car and he's like, Dad? He's like, never mind. These IVs were a bad idea. I think he had him on...

Like nutrition plans and his training regimen from the NFL that Ed was doing. Yeah. But when he was a kid, it's insane. You got to do that with your boys. Yeah, sure. If I could start over, I would have taught one girl. I would have had one of my daughters be a nurse and the other be a masseuse. Hey, Coco, Coco, how good are IVs for you? They're amazing for you. 100% of that is going into your bloodstream. When you take anything orally, you're not absorbing all.

And this is going into our cells. Yeah, this is like... And we're getting glutathione, which is, it is good. It's good for your liver. Every time I get this, though, thank you, buddy. Every time I get this, I think about heroin, though, how much fun that has to be. Because that goes right into your bloodstream, too. So the NAD that we're getting at the end of this, Coco's going to give us NAD shots. Yeah. They say, so we're getting 200 milligrams. And by the way, we're not doctors. We're just reciting what Coco said. 200 milligrams is probably pretty typical. You can do an NAD drip.

I do 500 when I get the drip. Joe gets 500 when he does the drip. And Joe does the drip with a push. So he gets a bag pushing it so it goes faster. That's insane. And this guy is giving me my NAD. He does not know that I know Joe. And he goes, yeah. He said, you know, do you want a drip? And I said, no, I'll just take the intermuscular. And he goes, you know.

There's this guy that gets the drip and he does it fast. He said he can do it in like fucking 10 minutes. I said, who are you? His name's Joe Rogan. And he goes...

Big intravenous drug user. I said, who? He said, Joe Rogan. I said, what makes you say that? And he goes, well, that's who likes the drip fast. Am I right, Coco? Intravenous drug users. How? Because it crushes you. When I get it regularly, I do the 500, and they go, oh, you're taking it pretty quick. Still takes me. You're taking it pretty quick.

I guess pretty quick for the 500 would be like an hour. I've had one patient do it in like 30 minutes. Is that patient Joe Rogan? But there is that feeling when you get it where it actually can like, you feel pain, right? You feel like you're having a fucking heart attack. So why would an intravenous drug user enjoy that? Here, Coco, come here and stand next to me.

Yeah. Like, what about it would be? Well, I don't know. I guess it depends kind of like what their high is that they're chasing and what sensation they're wanting to feel. Damn. Nothing about that feels pleasurable, though. No, no. When you take an AD, you feel like you're having a heart attack. Yes. It's like this. And I feel it sometimes in the head, like kind of crud. Yeah. A lot of times patients will get sinus pressure. Yeah. Congestion. Sneeze.

Oh, now hold on. That's what I get when I get NAD intermuscular. Would that happen? Because I always get clogged in my nose. Yeah, it could be.

Damn it. But then afterwards, you feel great. You feel great. I'll tell you the other thing that I... That has nothing to do with this is nitrous oxide. Like, when you're... I was just in the office... Hey, Coco, you ever tried poppers? No. Dude, that was the best. I was laying there, and they were like, take, you know, inhale five times, breathe back into the thing, because it gives you... And then... Oh, you're not talking, like, outside of Dave Matthews' concert. You're talking... No, I'm talking about a doctor. A doctor. And I go, okay, and I was...

I felt so high. And the doctor was like, do you feel it? And I go, not really. And they go, just keep doing it. And I was like, okay. And I was like, oh, this is the best. But it's out of your system so fast. Can you get us some of that? I don't have that. Damn. What kind of scripts can you get us?

Not that exciting. Yeah. Hey, can we get you a bottle of vodka? Do you like vodka? I do. Oh, we got vodka for you. Can we give a bottle of vodka to you? Yeah. We have our own vodka. We have a wedding this weekend, so one of my coworkers will bring it with him. Can you give IVs to yourself? I have. So when I had the influenza, I didn't want to go to the clinic and get everybody else sick, so I stuck it in my hand.

I will tell you this. This is the thing that has been so crazy to me. I would say three or four times in the last year, and I wouldn't say this if I didn't have repeated evidence of this, where we travel a lot for a living, so we're always around people, a lot of people, shaking hands, all this. And I regularly get colds, get sick, viruses, you know? And you kind of know when it's day one. You're like, ah, fuck, I'm getting sick.

Four or five times in the last year, it's been day one and I got a heavy NAD like two, three days in a row and just it went away. And I'm like, holy shit. And I try to I want to tell people that because, dude, like I have seen it multiple times now where like I know I'm about to be sick for two weeks and.

And it's like, oh, I just didn't get sick. This is where I'm going to sound out of touch to our fans. I don't know what an IV costs. And I get them every week. I get one a week. And I'll tell you, anyone listening, my blood work came back twice.

like you know two months ago yeah and partying still partying still on a vodka best numbers i'd ever had and i said well i hadn't drank in a couple days and denise said it takes 100 days to change your biomarker so it's not that it's whatever you're doing and i was like it's fucking ivs you know who put me onto this chapelle oh yeah chapelle's uh chapelle owns his own ivy company

You're with Chappelle and he's like, yo, you want an IV? I go, it's two in the morning. He's like, that's okay. Someone shows up in their pajamas with rubber gloves on. And I'm ever since then, I've been that. So if you're like me and you party, how, what's the cheapest you can get an IV for? Depends what's in it, right? It really depends. Like the most basic trip is probably around $200, but it also depends where you are. You know, bigger cities, they might market up a little more than little town. Do you know Tech N9ne?

Tech 9 owns an IV company. Tech 9 does? Tech 9 owns an IV company. Dude, I'm telling you right now. Hang on. Jordan owns your company, right? Yes.

I'm not fucking around. I want to start an IV company just so I can get a deal on IVs. I get IVs every other... I think there's probably a different way to get a deal. We do fractional franchising. There you go. For $25,000. I've already looked into a fractional franchise. All I need is a brick and mortar, and I'm thinking about buying a building to start an IV company just so I can get fucking IVs cheap. Tell Jordan we said what's up, and thank you, please. I sure will.

Tell Jordan thank you and thank you. You're not going anywhere. No, no, no. You can go stand up there. Sorry. I realize you're not going to just leave. Thank you. You tripping good? So speaking of being out of touch and not knowing the prices of things, you see this new line of Rolexes that came out? Dude, they look great. They look great. Let's spend the whole time talking about Rolexes. The funny thing to me about if you...

talk to like watch people, you know that like people are in that world. They're like, people are scared of Rolex. Rolex is terrifying as a brand and a company because they're like the Vatican. They, they're so powerful. They will crush people who are, I mean, they protect the shit out of their brand. Um, the way that they will,

The way that they allow you to be, let's say, an authorized dealer, dude, they send in people that you don't know are there. They check everything from the cloth on the table that you display on, the way that the logo is displayed on the wall, and they give you critiques that you don't know about. At the end of the year, they come in and they go, you didn't do this shit right.

And if you don't do it right again, we're just going to pull it from here. People will get scared. All I'm saying is I will never do anything justice as much as this podcast acquired. That sounds really cool. But they talk about that. They talk about the fact that Rolex does not have a brick and mortar. They have one. It's in Geneva. One Rolex store. Everyone else is certified dealers. They talk about how the guy who started Rolex...

Set everything up in a trust so Rolex has more money than God Yeah, so when when the when the market dips and everyone else scrambles to try to figure out fucking what to do He's he's like yeah, the wrong is like we'll be good for the next hundred years Yeah, what's also cool? And there's the last thing I'm gonna say about watches and then I just need you to continue I I just this is what I think school. We don't need them. You don't need a watch. I

It's almost like stupid to have a, you have to be a fucking idiot to have a watch on. Only a fucking moron would spend $80,000 on a watch. A fucking idiot. Right. Just to tell the time. But that's what makes it sexy. Yeah. That's what makes it sexy that we're using an antiquated time piece, a handmade, handcrafted. If you open mine up on the back, you can see the inner workings of this watch and, and

This does it so much better. Do you know what also does it really good? Yeah. Hey, what time is it? It's crazy. But I think that's so fucking... You know what it's like? It's like walking to work. It's like walking to work. It's like...

It's like fucking in the kitchen. It's old school. I just think that's the funniest thing about watches is like, it's like fucking in the kitchen Rolex. It's like fucking in the kitchen. Do you say data or data? Well, at my house we say data. And for the longest time I thought paying a fortune on my monthly data plan was just normal. That was until I found out about mint mobile and their premium wireless plans that start at just 15 bucks a

Bye.

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today. And man, I'll tell you right now, I'm not a watch guy. I'm into Rolexes. Yeah, I know you are. I think, and the reason I love, I take that back. I have two other watches. I have two other watches. A good friend gave me one, one of our good friends, and then I got one in Paris. That wasn't a Rolex. Wasn't a Rolex. Good for you. I never wear them. But what's cool about them, and this is a soft pitch to anyone who's not irate right now, is Rolexes.

Ben Tudor is an amazing watch and it's it's made by Rolex. It's it's in the family of Rolex Tudor is a great watch well listen I know it's it's a great way to celebrate a benchmark in your life and

and it'd make you smile. Every now and then you'd look at your watch. You're either into it or you're not. I mean, I know. There's obviously a huge, huge fan base for this, and people get into it for different reasons. Some of it for the art involved, because they are like pieces of art. Some of it to, like you say, mark...

I look at this watch and I think my special Lucky is streaming right now on Netflix. There you go. And it was streamed in the top 10 for two weeks. And I treated myself when I went to Vegas and I said, every time I look at this watch, I remember that two weeks, how...

Everyone was hitting me up about their dogs. It was just a great moment in my life. I buy something to remind myself of the good feelings. I think that's a great move. We've heard you. We know the fans love Watch Talk. We promise we'll keep it up. We'll keep telling you things that we've acquired that you can dream about. Let's talk about Porsches. Can I tell you what is interesting? Sure. I'm not a car guy at all. I know you're not. I was with Kyle Busch.

And I said, he said, what kind of car do you drive? And I said, oh, it's a Mercedes. He goes, what kind? And I said, the white one. The white one. And he goes, what? I said, I'm not a car guy. And he goes, wait, what do you mean? You just told him a color. Yeah. Well, he walked past it. Yeah. And I was like, it was the white one. And he goes, you really don't follow cars. And I said, not at all. And I'm being dead serious. After that Porsche podcast. Yeah.

I think Porsche is the sexiest fucking... Just hearing them talk about a brand. Yeah. And the longevity of the brand. And what struggles the brand has had. You told me last night, this is... I think conversations like this are fascinating to me. Yeah. You said...

What were the two that are just carrying the brand right now? Well, for several years now, the Macan has been the top seller, and the Cayenne, the SUVs, these do extremely well for the company. And basically, the cars that people are...

I would say the most passionate about is like the GT line for Porsche, like GT3s and everything. Everyone's like, those are the coolest fucking cars. Those are... That line, the GT division, is basically supported by the fact that they sell so many of these other cars. I think... It wouldn't be... They wouldn't be profitable if they were like, we just make GT3s. It wouldn't be a lot. This is a really interesting pivot because...

And this is, maybe this is a disconnect where people hear us talk about watches and they don't understand. It's not talking about the ones we actually have. It's always about the ones you want. What's fun for me- Is like the chase. The chase. And by the way- It's like pussy. It's like pussy.

Pussy is a very good... Pussy and Porsches are just exactly the same thing. You can't wait to get it. And then once you dump inside, you're like, I'd like to try another one. Dude, that's also a slogan for Porsche. It's like dogs, Tom. You know how I love to fuck dogs? Coco, you're really getting an earful on this podcast.

What's funny is like when we got Priscilla. Yeah, and you fucked it. And I fucked her to death. The best part of Priscilla, in my opinion, was the six months of...

maybe seven months leading up where I was looking at breeders and I was looking at breeds and I was trying to pick what dog we needed as a family. Yeah. And that was my favorite part. I hope you're connecting to this and understand what I'm talking about. It's like the funnest part of buying a car is looking at cars. Yeah. Is the funnest part. And the, and the, and, and, and I, I do this. I eventize my life way too much. Like right now, the greatest part about today is,

is Sunday for me because it's the Masters just started today. Okay. And I can't wait to Sunday. I'm picking out my outfit. I'm wearing my Masters hat. I'm going to be watching it all day. I'm going to be drinking mint juleps. I'm so excited for Sunday because the Masters started today. And that is the whole thing about any good you want. And whether it's watches, dude, never buy a watch, but look at them. They're so fun to look at. I've looked at, dude, I look at watches I'll never buy.

John Mayer has one of the baddest motherfucking watches ever. Yeah, it's very cool. What's it called? It's an AP? Yeah, it's an AP. It's a John Mayer AP. Yeah. And by the way,

You really want to get blown out of the water? Listen to the podcast John Mayer did with Ed Sheeran. Have you heard that? Those two are really, really deep. Oh, you can't. You can't. John Mayer doesn't say, nice watch. Do you know what he says? Oh, serial number AP4579? Yeah. Nice. I've got 780-2. He's really, really other level. He's like probably the best celebrity ambassador for that entire podcast.

um field i think he's the best one really he's so passionate about it he really is and by the way his collection is like no it's world class ed sheeran's also a huge huge collector dude yeah really crazy it's that that for me like i'm nowhere near there and not even remotely i don't even think like sylvester stone stallone's crazy you can't tell you what

Can I tell you someone who fucking shaded me for my watch? Who? Shaq. What do you mean? You stupid. Spending all that money on a watch. Invictus. Invictus so much better. Get that shit off your wrist. Get your money back. Get an Invictus. Go to Invictus. And part of me was like, does Shaq own Invictus? Probably. Because I said, what kind of watch do you wear because you're so big? How small is a toothbrush in his mouth?

Yeah. Well, yeah, I know, right? You ever sit on a toilet and your dick hits the porcelain? Yeah. How the fuck does he shit? Every time he shits, he's holding his balls. And he's just like... But he goes, Invictus. Invictus is a great line of watches. They really are. Yeah, he's a...

He also owns a plane. Did you tell him that when he said to get your money back? He bought a Challenger. He did? Yeah. Hey, man, get your money back. Just buy plane tickets. Dude, can we pivot and talk about Mexican women? Sure. Coco, are you Mexican? No, I'm very good. What are you? I'm Italian. Oh, old school. I saw a clip of you on...

Yeah, look at your eyes. I saw a clip of you. Yeah, speed me up. On Rogan saying you speak Spanish because everybody in Florida speaks Spanish. Yeah. Did you also say you speak Italian? Claro. No, I don't. Maybe I do. Did you say that though? No, I don't speak Italian. I speak Spanish.

I speak enough. Apparently, I don't speak good Spanish. Well, yeah, you were just in Spain, right? Yeah, I was in Spain. And apparently, my Spanish sounds a lot like me ice need. How would you say it? Yo necesito ice. I mean, okay. You get a part of it, right? Yeah. Yo necesito frio.

I need cold. There we go. Okay. George is like, dad, you're not speaking what you think you're speaking. And I'm like, are you serious? He's like, buddy, you sound horrific. But you said it with full confidence. I say it with very confidence. Yeah, that's good. Tu quieres agua. That means. No, yo quiero agua. That's good. Yeah.

But here's the thing about Mexican women. Okay. So pretend you're my husband, okay? My husband? Yeah. I'm the Mexican woman. Okay. You're my husband, okay? Can you do a wide shot on two of us? Okay. Come to me. So I'm sending you to work. First off, we're going to start with Mexican women's lunchboxes for their husband. Google it. It's fucking incredible. Okay? They hand them the lunchbox, and then they do this. They go, and they kiss you.

I think that's the coolest shit in the world. Every Mexican woman does it to her husband when they leave the house. They do the signs of the cross on them. I think that's fucking badass. Is your husband Mexican? He's going to like it. Yeah, of course. Mexican women's lunchboxes are freaking... No, no, no, no. Not the goddamn actual lunchbox. The stuff they put in it. You guys are fucking horrible. Packed lunches. Mexican women's...

packed lunches, right? Oh, look at this. Look at this. Look at this. Okay, go to that. That's right. Lunch at 5 a.m. She's making... Watch this. Give them the signs of the cross. She gives... Yeah. Okay. Oh, she's making them... Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. There's not a white woman on earth doing that. No, no. Look at this. Look, she puts homemade salsa. Okay. She gives... They always do some melon. Oh, with the chili powder. Oh, look at that with some lime on the side. Look at this. Perfecto. Perfecto.

Dude, he's got a feast to go to work. Dude. You realize if he brings any of that back, she's going to hit him. Yeah. Okay. She keeps him warm up top. Oh, they always do fucking smoothies. They always do fucking smoothies for their husbands. Look at that. Lunch for my husband. Look at that. She did the signs. I told you. Yeah. I told you. They did the signs of the cross. Of course. My mother used to do that to all of us, by the way, leaving the house. Are you serious? Every day. Yeah.

Guess where we're going to start? Let's start a new secret handshake. Secret handshake? We're going to do signs of the cross on each other. Okay. Okay.

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There's a whole line of these. Dude, I am obsessed. I'm obsessed. Mexican culture just really got to me this week. Yeah, it's an awesome. Look at this. Do you go to Mexico? I've been to Mexico. No, I mean like regularly? No, unless I need something. Oh my gosh, shout out to the fucking guy.

We were at the bottle signing. Yeah, keep going. Hold on. He gave me Vyvanse. Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah. And by the way... Hold on. Did she just make a fucking salsa real quick? Yeah, she did. Yeah. She's just making her sauces. Yeah. She's making sauces for her husband right now. Which nothing... She just made a homemade queso. This is... Dude, Mexican women fucking rock. And all I'll say is if you're a black woman and you're listening to this show, number one, I'm shocked. Number two...

Number two, yo, post your video. I want to see black women making lunches for their husbands. And now I want to see white women making lunches for their husbands. And this is a game show I would fucking invest in. It's called Which Race is Better. It's called Race Wars. Look at this. She's making fucking enchiladas for her husband. She's wearing rubber gloves and he puts his fingers inside her and she's still wearing rubber gloves. Look at this. My God.

Oh, different? Yeah. Sauces? Oh, it's the fucking Mexican flag, Tom. It's the fucking Mexican flag. It's the fucking Mexican flag. It's really beautiful the way she did it, too. I'm ashamed of being white right now. Oh, it's not the first time. Look at this. I bet that rice is so soft. Oh, it's all delicious. Oh, is she making churros? Tom, it's the Mexican fucking flag, Tom.

It's the Mexican fucking flag, Tom. I know. This is a... Oh, my God. I could watch homemade salsas being made on a loop. Okay. You ever make homemade salsa? No. Oh, my God. Look at this. Look at this. Can I tell you? The only... I'll tell you right now. There's one gay couple... How is this guy not 400 pounds? Okay.

I mean, I can tell you how. He fucking moves his body for 13 hours a day. Guys fucking... Jesus Christ. I gave the guys... Okay, hold on. You gotta find the gay black couple...

I don't know what their names are. The gay black couple that make food for each other. One's like a queen. He's got long nails. And the other's like power bottom. Like he's a fucking man. And he's like, and he claps his nails like this. And he's like, that's him. You fucking found him. First shot. First shot. First shot. Go. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. Tom, this guy's awesome. So for today, I made you hot honey sliders with mac and cheese.

That's a ton of food, bro. I know, right? But watching me, it's so fucking sensual. He's big about his pickles. Yeah. You watch this a lot? I watch this a lot. He's so happy. Wait till you see him eat the mac and cheese. Now, how is he not 400 pounds?

I think he fucking slams this dude night and day. Just fucks all the weight off of him? Dude, this couple confuses me so much. This mac and cheese always looks good. This page is worth the follow. Dude, that's like a 3,000 calorie lunch. It's a fucking big meal. Can I tell you? Oh, yeah. Oh, shit, yeah. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. A lot of sound. By the way... Sounds like they're fucking. So wait, he does...

This is a misstep. If you work at the Hot Cheetos company, this guy fucks with Hot Cheetos. Oh, he does? Dude, he does Hot Cheetos everything. Hot Cheetos chicken tenders. Hot Cheetos fried chicken. Hot Cheetos. He is fucking awesome. Oh, just go to Hot Cheetos. Go to Hot Cheetos. Look at this. What the fuck is that?

Deep fried, bold egg, hot Cheeto balls. What in the? How is this guy not fucking 300 pounds? I mean, seriously. He's not even a little overweight. Can I get a cross section, please? That's the only thing I'd say. Can I see what's inside that? What does he say it's called?

Deep fried hot Cheeto boiled eggs. I'll take cheese. Yeah. It's insane. Bro, I kind of want to watch them fuck. You can. I bet I can. I bet they have an OnlyFans. They have an OnlyFans. We're going to it right now. By the way, can I tell you what I love about black men? Not these black men. They have 8.7 million followers. What the fuck? On TikTok. Real J. Lynn. Please have an OnlyFans. Please have an OnlyFans.

Please have an OnlyFans. Please have an OnlyFans. He's the nail king? Please have an OnlyFans. No, fuck. By the way, real J-Lyn, that's 25 bucks right there you missed out on. Now, I guess you don't, I just am suggesting that I want to watch you and your husband fuck, so I guess maybe that's something you want to keep private, but... Wait, do you think anyone's ever gone on my... Dude, this guy's eating an insane amount of food. Oh, look at the green one. Go to the green one. That's not fucking broccoli. That's not broccoli.

What do you think that is, Tommy? It says, bruh, they done fried Duolingo. Before you ask, I already got an appointment for Friday, so it's covered. Do you need me to pay for it? No, I got it. You sure? Yeah. So for today, I made you St. Patrick's Day fried tenders with a loaded baked potato and, of course, special sauce on the side. Enjoy. Look at that fucking tender.

If I had one of these meals, one. I want chicken tenders now. I would have so much diarrhea for so long. Oh, yeah. I would have a day's worth of diarrhea. He fucks with pickles, too. He puts a pickle on everything. I like pickles. Oh, my God. Mm-hmm. Oh, my God. You want these? So, you know what? You know, Instagram's kind of like the zoo a little bit. Yeah. Like, I feel like I'm just...

sneaking into their lives and watching it and going like, that's so crazy. And then I go back to my life and I'm like, that was a close call. Can I tell you whose life I've been stalking? Yeah, sure. La Sleepy. La Sleepy. La Sleepy. La Sleepy. Yeah, go down. La Sleepy. That first one there? I think it is. Nope, that's not her. It's La Sleepy.

Okay. La Sleepy. That's La Sleepy. That's fucking La Sleepy. Okay. Oh, fuck yes. Fuck you, La Sleepy. Hang on, hang on. Scroll down. La Sleepy? There. Get into the middle one. The middle one. The middle one. The middle one. I love this shit. Turn on the music. Nothing but good vibes at the Whittier Boulevard Cruise. Oh, shit. It's that chola life, man. Dude, I love it. I want...

You said you were in the next one. I think it's so fucking cool. And then you scroll her page. They got her with her cars. She's got, oh, look at Tokyo, Tokyo. I love this. I don't do enough of this. Yeah. Posting up. You want to start doing videos like this? I want to start doing videos like this. This is so fucking sexy. They love the oldies, man. Are we almost done? Yeah. Nice. I love this. Look at him. Mm-hmm. I see that. Yeah.

The old school cars with the old school jams. I love it. Look at Le Sleepy. There's Le Sleepy right there. I love Le Sleepy. And you know what? This is crazy. So I follow Le Sleepy. Le Sleepy loves pickles. Every time I eat a pickle, I think of Le Sleepy. Isn't that bizarre? Yeah, well, I get it. That's like a crazy thing. Well, you have an association with it now. How do you think she got that nickname? You think she was because she was sleepy a lot or she looks sleepy? I don't know.

You know what's crazy? Is if I accidentally run into her at like a swap meet or something. Yeah. I'm going to fucking lose my shit and she's going to be like, how the fuck do you know who I am? Well, she's got a good following. She does? It's like 38,000. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's...

She's an influencer, man. Yeah, it's crazy. Like, it is like, and I mean, I say zoo. You can book her. There's bookings. What? It just says bookings, right? What can I book her for? I don't know. I think she's a chef. She's a chef? Scroll down. I think she's got a taco cart. Oh. Like a hot dog cart. There you go. Yeah. Oh, let's hear her. Hot dogs.

You love hot dogs. It says La Sleepy Hot Dog. Dude, I fucking love hot dogs. How do you not book her for a hot dog? The bacon-wrapped hot dogs? When I used to leave the Hollywood Bowl, when I would go to shows there, there would always be somebody with a hot dog, bacon-wrapped hot dogs, and the corn, the Mexican corn.

Okay. Hang on. That's a great idea. It was fun making hot dogs at my bro Boo Boo's ice cream truck. So you can probably get both. Boo Boo's ice cream and fucking Sleepy's hot dogs. I get a lot of Sleepy to do. Maybe I'll have a lot of Sleepy come make lunch for our office one day. Easy. Create content. That's awesome. Fuck yeah. Dude, I mean, you know...

It's funny. I get in this thing. I have a real problem with Instagram. I disappear in it. But it's not... I've blocked everything...

I don't want anything comedy. I don't want any like clips of people doing fucking. I don't want to watch. You know, it'll depress me sometimes when you watch like when you watch like a young kid. There was a young kid on Kill Tony when your episode that was actually really fucking funny. And I got and I was like, God, man, I gotta be real honest. I don't know if I could do a minute.

Minutes rough. Minutes rough, and the kid killed it. So I block out, I don't get any crowd work clips, I just follow my friends, but I don't have any info from comedy. My fucking Instagram, I'll deep dive into it, and I can just, I mean, anything with a toenail. I don't know what you're talking about.

You like watching those? I'm fucking obsessed. And then I get into a deep dive. Toenails? Of like ingrown toenails. Or fucking, or dry feet. Just foot surgery? Dry feet. Foot surgery. Dry feet. Cleaning dry feet. Pimple popping. I mean, it's crazy. And I say to myself. My feed's a little different. I said to myself the other day, I saw a picture of me and Leanne when Leanne was pregnant. On Instagram? Yeah. I'll text it to you guys.

So that's a picture of me and Leanne, right? When Leanne was pregnant. Yeah. I want you to see it only because I want you to see how happy I am. Yeah. And I realized why I was so happy. That you were having a baby? Well, no, no. Oh. No, she's pregnant. She doesn't look that great. No, but I was happy, Tom. Yeah. Because I was present. I was present. I didn't have any...

Fucking care in the world. I was making zero money. I had zero look at how happy I am Yeah, I had zero still fat But I was so I still as bald as I am today and I was so present and I was I was like You know what? I took that with a camera. Yeah, I didn't take that with the phone. I took that with a camera I set up a camera I set up a timer and I took a picture of us in the moment and

And I was like, I wasn't on my phone. I wasn't scrolling. I wasn't watching foot surgery videos. I wasn't watching Sleepy or Two Gay Guys Make Fried Chicken. I didn't have any. I wasn't thinking about Mexican women or the Stations of the Cross. I was present. And I said to myself, what am I doing on my fucking phone? What am I doing on my phone? I'm wasting my life. I'm scrolling, just scrolling, looking at other people live. Do you think, I'm going to be, let's get meta on this.

So I'm in this weird fucking headspace because I'm getting back to work in June. And I'm in this weird headspace of like, dude, I haven't sailed around the world yet. I haven't sailed. I haven't climbed a mountain. I need to go to the top of Machu Picchu. I need to climb Kilimanjaro. I need to sail to Hawaii. I need to swim with sharks. I need to go to Thailand and get on a beach and be off the grid. And then I went, well, hold on.

Is that because I scroll and that's what I see? And I see people doing it and them posting it. Do you think people were as adventure-driven before Instagram? Well, not everyone, but there's always a segment of society. I mean, isn't some of this just having a bit of an existential crisis in a way of knowing that

But you start to get to a certain age where you realize that it's not forever and there's things you want to do. I think that happened before Instagram. There's just people that you just realize you have one go at this. And if there's things like that that are exciting to you, there's a ticking clock on it. There's just only so much time you have that you can do things.

I think about stuff like that too. I don't think it's all... Sometimes what it is is that the Instagram or the image you see reminds you of that thing that's already in your mind, like I want to climb a mountain or I want to go to a place. But you still wanted to go to that place before you saw images of it. You still wanted to do that thing. But I see what you're saying, that it can fuel it. But I still think, you know, it's not like...

30 years ago, people weren't thinking of those things. They were still having those thoughts. It just wasn't always prompted by looking at their phone. That didn't exist. They still wanted to do those things. But do you think like, I wonder sometimes, so one morning, maybe I've told you this, but one morning I got up and we were getting ready. We were on tour and everyone was meeting at my house and everyone was in the gym and I had just worked out

And I was getting in the sauna and I heard them talking. And as I got out of the sauna, I heard someone say, is he going to pull it? It was still dark out. And like, is he going to polar plunge? And I didn't want to. And I did. And I did it.

So that they heard me do it because they, you know? Yeah. So it was performative. It wasn't what I wanted to do. Yeah. And then I realized how much of my life is performative. And I started looking at Instagram going like, how much of people's lives are performative? How many people genuinely want to sail around the world? Or how many people go, I wouldn't mind getting views? Well, yeah, it's motivation for a lot of people. The motivation is performative. So then I started going like, as I look at these people all like,

These people going, I'm running the 150 mile race and I'm tracking it here on Instagram. And then I go, okay, like without Instagram, if they shut down Instagram, TikTok, how many people do you think would just sell their boat and be like, well, no one could see this. Then what's the point? Well, some, but some people also see it as, um, it's being performative, uh,

those platforms allows people to sometimes monetize that right which allows them to do the thing they want to do so for some people like sailing or running they're like if I didn't have this social media thing I couldn't do it I couldn't do it okay that's yeah there there's a dude you know John John Florence I don't know him you'd be no of him uh-uh the best surfer in the world John John Florence yeah you know Nathan Florence

I'm friends with Nathan. I'm friends with Nathan. Okay. So I was overhearing a conversation one time about John, John Florence. And then I heard it on a podcast, but they were like, yeah, he's, he's got this like 66 foot gunboat and he just sails to like fucking just sails at crazy places and doesn't post it on Instagram. Doesn't tell anyone. Yeah. He's got footage from like two years ago that he's never posted. Cause he's like, man, whatever. I'm also just the greatest surfer in the world. And I just was like,

Yeah, man, that's kind of, it's like old school sexy. Well, is there anything you would do without posting it? No. Nothing. I'm getting an IV on camera right now. Well, we both are. Yeah, I know. I mean, that's the other thing. Yeah, but you would do, I've gotten 100 IVs. Every time I post it. Why? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know why I post half the shit I post.

And then I was crazy is when you have a great moment and you're like this would be fucking epic to post And your kids are like no, and you're like what the fuck really you know they said to me one time mmm we went to a Dodgers opening day opening day and Dodgers hit me up and like go you wanna come I was like fuck yeah, and then like how many I said for and they go great I said girls you want to go to open a day and they're like fuck yes. That'd be great and

So we're like, fuck, yeah. We get in the car, and George and I go, hey, no phones. I said, what? She goes, no Instagram today. Let's just have a day as a family. And I was like, what's the point if I can't post on Instagram? I was like, wait, so what are we going to do? And they're like, no phones. Let's leave our phones in the car. I go, we can't leave our phones in the car. But wait a minute. Didn't you still enjoy going to the game with them? Yeah, but it was like, I ended up posting stuff anyway.

I don't know, Tom. It's like, I was like, I couldn't. This would be the Dodgers game. It was, I have no idea. I don't know. It's an addiction to, I don't know. There's something. The feedback. You know what it is? It's like everyone wants to be seen. Yeah. Everyone wants to feel valuable and feel, hey, look at me.

You know? Yeah. And I'm just like everyone else. Yeah. Maybe a little hyper version of that. But that's the thing. It's like... But like, if you didn't post it, it's like almost it didn't happen for you. Yeah. And also there's a part of me that I love going through my feed and seeing stuff like this. Like, if I don't take pictures of this, then maybe... Oh, Leanne posted that. Yeah. Good. Good. It's on her. I just want to say, it's just gay...

Bars are where it's at. We went to the Iron Bear last night. And he was dancing there. There was a... Cap, cap, cap, cap. It was so fucking fun. And he was fucking going down with that dude. Yeah, he was fucking... And he's... Cap, we're cutting this out. Cap. Cap.

You know what's kind of cool? What? You don't see a lot of homophobia these days. Yeah. But, man, black men are holding that shit down. They are holding it down, dude. They're not letting go. And it is nice that there's no end in sight. It doesn't stop. In elementary school, black guys are holding on to that shit hard. But I will say this.

In all sincerity, it was such a fun night. It was so fun. It was great. We went to the Iron Bear here in Austin. It was a Porosos Bar takeover. But the vibes were the best. Everybody was there. Meaning like the regulars that go to that place, fans, couples, women, guys. And it was just everybody was in a great mood. We got to do...

interviews outside on the street with people, which was way more fun than I thought it would be. But everybody there was so welcoming. They were just really cool, and it was a fun night, man. So big shout-out to the Iron Bear and I guess everybody that just came out to that. It was a fun, fun time. You guys were a blast. It was fun for you because everyone wanted to fuck you. No. No. I was...

I was... You wore that. And I thought I'd get a little more play. What I did is I got... Well, you also had those shorts off, so your ass cheeks were out. I had the shorts off, and man, I will simply say, gay men are handsy. Yeah, they were handsy. They are handsy. They grab your ass? I realized, dude, if they want to move you...

Finger in the ass crack, move you to the side. Not like all the way to one butt cheek and move you over. Yeah. That was out at the... I didn't realize my asshole was showing. Your asshole showed. Yeah. Oh my God, I would have paid so much for it to have any there and had a guy move him by holding his waist. Yeah.

hands on the waist and moved to him just to have him been like yeah no hey man there's the hands good thing it gets the hands dude there we are gay men fucking rock yeah it was fun man gay men and they told us the greatest stories we asked for like for stories oh well first of all this is the crazy part apparently I'm an obvious bottom laughing

Like, without a doubt, I am an obvious bottom. The way they assess is so quick. Yeah. They're like, no shade, you're a bottom. And I was like, no shade taken. Wait, hold on. Wait, what? Yeah. If you can last. And by the way, they've all got hogs on them. There's a couple that describe themselves as like... Also, they said the smaller end...

Of dicks was between six and like, if you're kind of like average small, you know, like six to seven. I was like, wait, wait, what? Small? Oh, that's me and that guy rubbing cocks together. Oh yeah, your dicks touched. Yeah. Got a little fucking action from that. You said you got a little. Our tips touched. He was in a match. I thought he had a backpack on. He had, he had, did not have a backpack on. He had, those were, it was the same outfit I had on, except his was cloth.

Yeah, but you got a little chub. I did a little chub. Yeah. Yeah, it was it was we did interviews on the street And what's crazy is like we're gonna do more of these the fucking the best people to interview are people that don't want to be interviewed I know if you if someone wants to be interviewed It's never the best person to interview. Oh my god. Yeah, if you had taken your shirt off, they would have lost their fucking mind They would have lost their fucking mind. I

Yeah, I wear the gayest shirt I had and it seemed to work well. Somebody mentioned this is a tough day. They sent me this image and they go, you look so miserable. You, uh, you fucking, you, you had a good time. That's when I can tell if it's good or not is if you have a good time. Did my face get bloated within this episode?

I don't know. We got fluids going into us. My face bloated. Did it get... But I'll say this. Can I tell you this? Can I tell you this? Yeah. It is flattering being complimented because men will say it to you in a way that women never will. Women don't know how to. So you can know a woman digs you, but it's like you're sensing it. But the guys are very direct. I would argue... Gay compliments are up there. Oh, I would argue women are dead inside.

all women yeah and they don't know how to treat you the way a man can treat you that's like those guys even when they'd shave me a little bit yeah they'd still make me feel better right so like imagine if that was a hot chick i know and she was like yeah i wouldn't fuck you that it ends there right yeah they'd be like i wouldn't fuck you but i'd let you fuck me and you're like okay you're like not so bad yeah oh no it was the other way around because i wouldn't fuck you but i'd like no

I wouldn't let you fuck me, but I'd fuck you. And I'd be like, okay, thank you. Thank you. That feels good. Yeah. No woman's going to be like, I wouldn't fuck you, but you can fuck me.

It is interesting how gay compliments feel so good. Why do? It's almost like when black guys compliment you on your shoes. I know. It's almost like the trajectory. I would feel like now it's like gay compliments are amazing. Black compliments are great. And then a gay black compliment, unbelievable. Oh, my God. And there was a few last night. There was a few gay black compliments. Yeah, it was great. Can I tell you also the other coolest thing is like just having guys go like,

Hey, thanks for coming here, man. Yeah, yeah, they were super appreciative. Yeah, they were just solid guys. I had such a great fucking time last night. And by the way, can I tell you, I didn't drink until we got done. I didn't have time to drink. And you drank a lot.

Yeah, no cuz we were doing interviews you were like I'm pretty hammered no, no yeah, you did I was not say that you did wasn't hammered You said that to me. Oh, I drank at dinner. You're right, okay? Yeah, and then and you started with martinis, and then you had like a bottle of wine yeah, so it's Yeah, you're pretty right And then we were drinking on the street

And we're like, hey, we're not allowed to drink on the street. And they're like, it's fine. Yeah. They're like, we fucked on this corner. You can definitely have a drink. He goes, yeah, that guy said, he goes, I've been fucked on this corner. Right here. Right around here. And he goes, no, right here. South by is wild. Yeah.

One guy goes, if these walls could talk, honey. Also, all this shit that like as a straight guy where you go, oh, you know, gay guys have it the best because they just get to fuck whenever and you're like, well, that's kind of a stereotype. And then you talk to some of these guys and they're like, well, you know, sometimes you end up doing this and then all of a sudden there's five of you fucking each other. And you're like, wait, five of you? And they're like, oh, yeah. And then you think that's a lot. And then you end up in a warehouse in Dallas and there's 200 people fucking and you're like, what?

Tom goes, wait, are you on like a group text? Yeah, I was like, how did you learn about this shit? He's like, well, if you really like fucking, you find out. And I was like, I like fucking. I like to find out. God dang. And what did that guy look like? That was the guy, you asked him about the beard. He had like the cropped out beard. Oh, yeah, he was a good looking kid. Yeah. Yeah, and they were all pretty age appropriate. We had no...

what's crazy though is that like not everyone's a bear a lot of cubs a lot of otters yeah it was a the fool and then there was little short dudes yeah the little short guy oh my god and it's a couple tall guys best i wish i had that shirt today oh yeah jason kelsey shirt yeah yeah i gotta post that for jason kelsey it looks jason kelsey is

Probably the king bear. Oh, my God. If he went there? Dude, he would get fucked so quick. No, they would want to be fucked by Jason. You think they'd want to fuck? It's a big man. They'd want to submit. A lot of them would. Can I just soft pitch to Jason and Travis? Go fuck guys. Take, go, send garage beers to a bear bar. Yeah. And just send Jason. Yeah. They will, I mean, if you sent Jason and Travis, they would.

Taylor Swift and Jason Kelsey, they would be like, Travis, we want to talk to you, but we're going to stare at your brother. Yeah. Dude, they are, their mom made, made bear perfection. Yeah. He's, he's, he is the perfect bear. He is the perfect bear. Although some might argue, we learned this last night that, uh,

To be considered a bear by some of the standards for hair are kind of ridiculous. I didn't know this. That like, I thought I have like a, they're like, oh, that's not enough hair. Yeah. What are you talking about? Like, no, you need to be like completely. All over your back. All over your shoulders. Every inch of you has to be hair. Otherwise these guys would be like, you're not really a bear. He didn't even, he said I wasn't even a bear. No. He was like, no. Hell yeah. It's the best. Jason Kelsey. Tag Jason Kelsey. Mm-hmm.

I kind of want a cocktail. You want a cocktail? Kind of. It could be a range. We don't have to work today, do we? We have to do a photo shoot. Hey, do you want to try our vodka? You want a glass? Oh, no, I can't. Oh, yeah. You're a nurse. What am I doing? Hey, we came up with a new drink last night. You want to hear about it, Coco? Yeah. It's called a UTI. UTI.

It's cranberry and vodka. That's it. Yeah. I go... I said to someone last night... That was a hit, dude. That was the fucking hit. I said to a gay guy, he goes... He goes...

cranberry and vodka. He goes, cranberry and osos, please. And I went, awesome. I said, do you have a UTI? And he goes, no, but I could use one. I love gay men. And I was like, and he goes, he goes, hands it over. He goes, UTI, give me another UTI. And then we just came up with the UTI. I know. And I thought it would be fun to say that like,

Hey, put a couple drops of cum in it. And nobody liked it. The one guy did say, yeah, Tom goes, it's called a UTI. It's cranberry and porosos. And we put a lot of drops of cum in it. And the place went. Just silent. I bombed so hard. And I was like, I thought we were gay. And they were like, no, no.

I don't understand. I thought... Dude, we've had this conversation. Not all gay guys like the taste of cum. Yeah. It's crazy to me. It's why put on the pads if you're not cool with concussions. Yeah. Like any. Have you ever tasted cum? No. No, I have not. Negative. Not even your own out of curiosity? No. I wonder what my blood sugar is. You never accidentally sprayed your face when you were laying on your back? Accidentally. No. No? Never done it. Mm-mm.

Yep, I guess I'm lucky. All right, everyone else in the go cut to that shot again, raise your hands if you've ever tasted cum. Tasted cum? Yeah. Go ahead. Wait, what? It sounds like you went close. What do you mean? Went close. You just seem to need to specify as though you might have done something like that. I have never tasted cum, no. You never, like, were curious about...

Hey, you know, what's this gay shit all about? No. No? Zolo? Neither? No. And you never were like, I'm just going to blow a guy once just to see if I like him. All right. What if we said, what if we said, what if we said a million dollars, a million dollars if you taste our cum? Your cum? Fuck no. No. Any. No. And I know you could do it too. All right. Let's ask the women in the office. What?

Do you think... Oh, it's going to be this... Like, some will be like, yes, and some... No, we're not going to ask them. But I'm saying it's like anything where some people will be like, oh, I love it, and some people hate it. Hang on, hang on. Hold on one second. What? I can't... I wish we could... Wait, what? Every woman in the office would take a million dollars to taste gum. Oh, I know that. I'm saying some have a taste for it and some don't, just like you're saying... No, I don't think someone's going like... I don't think there's anyone in your office...

silently thinking to themselves, God, I want to taste their cum. No, no, not theirs. I'm saying in their own lives, some of them are into it and some are not. That's what I'm saying. Like some have boyfriends where they're like, yeah, I love it. I know what I'm saying. You're talking about us? No, I'm just saying. I don't know how to talk about this. Every woman in here would taste her cum.

For like a million dollars. Yeah. That's it. That's it? Yeah. That's an awful. These guys won't do it because they think it makes them gay. First of all, yes, they fucking would. You know. If we laid out the cash. No, the thing is, I know that you could. I know that you could. And no. Hold on. Hold on. For real. Yeah. No. This is insane. A million? Dude, I taste your cum. A million dollars? I would gargle your cum. Oh. And swallow it for one million dollars. And I have a lot of million dollars.

Coco. No, no, that's Coco. Wait, do you have breast milk? Do you have breast milk right now? No, not right now. Oh. I drink Coco's breast milk for a million dollars. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Eddie, would you drink? By the way, Coco, no offense, I would do it for $40.

Annie, would you drink breast milk for $40? For free, yeah. Why not? For free? Okay. So that's how I think most women would deal with cum. They're like, it's cum, whatever. It's not a big deal. Yeah, I think a lot of, by the way, a lot of straight guys, if you have from a million dollars. I think these three lying whores we have in the booth. Yeah.

Wait, is it all three are saying no? No, Solo definitely take the check. I mean, if you laid out a million. A million. And I guess it depends on how it was administered, you know? Yeah, you don't have to take it fresh from the source. Wait, hold on. Hold on, you fucking queen. Now you're going to tell us how we're going to get to come to you? That matters. I'm going to tell you right now. Chad, you're going to be blindfolded and your knees are going to be cold.

Did you ever see the clip of the podcast I did with Ari and Matthew Broussard? It was wild. Yes. I think I did see this clip. I can't. Do not say names. Don't say names. Wait, why can't you say names? Because I can't say the person who did its name. So I promise I might never say whose name it was. We blurred his face out. It's... Edit that out. It's... Did you see the clip? Did you see the clip? Uh-uh. Oh, my God.

So Ari pisses in a glass, right? Yeah. Like he always does. And then he puts it there. And we're like, yo, get this out of here. So Pete goes in and gets the glass. And he's walking to port in the bathroom. And I go, Pete, for a million dollars, would you drink Ari's piss? And he goes, no. And I go, hold on, Pete. You've got to have a price point. I go, $1 million? And he goes, well, fuck. And out of nowhere, you hear, I'll do it for $1,000.

Pete goes, we were just at a million. Yeah. Said person comes out, takes the piss and drinks. Look at this. There you go. Here we go. You're a little dehydrated, Pete. Yeah, a little bit. I'll do it. All right. How much to take a sip of it, Pete? Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. How much?

Let's start with a high end. No, no, no. Let's come up with a real number. Let's start with a high end. $5 million? Obviously. Okay. Okay, okay. A million. $2? Obviously no. Yeah, okay. Okay, I mean, yeah. We've got a deal. We've got a deal. We've got a deal. We've got a deal.

If you're going to take a sip of Ari's piss for $1,000... Jewish man pays Goy to drink his piss. Hang on. Come over here and do it on camera. Are you going to throw up? Look at the look on Ari's face. Have you ever done this before? I mean, no one thought you've done it before. I can't watch this. This is for my family. Wait, I'll just give you $1,000. To not do it? Oh, no, dude.

He drinks it? I did it. I'm going to give you $5,000. To do it one more time. What did it taste like? Hey, hey, someone give him $5,000. Someone give him $5,000. $5,000. $5,000. $5,000. $5,000. $5,000. $5,000. $5,000. What did it taste like? Hey, how did you go from $5,000 back to $1,000? That's awful. You're like... He goes, no, I just want $1,000. Hey, everyone go see Matthew...

By the way, can I tell you what's brilliant? What you just did? Right at that moment, because I knew people were watching, I plugged Matthew's special and you hit pause right before I said it. It's on YouTube. It's called Hyperbole. Was Matthew saying that he's Jewish? Matthew is Jewish. Oh. You don't think so because he's attractive? That's not what I... No, was Ari just learning that there? That's what I'm asking. Yes. So Ari didn't know.

Or he didn't know, no. And Matthew's also, that's French, right? Broussard? No, he's, I think he's autistic. That's not a nationality. We took him to a strip club one time. I was asking if he's French. Isn't that a French last name? Yeah, it sounds like it. Okay. I've never seen him with a croissant in his hand. I mean, you could still, you don't have to. You could just be like, yeah, he's a French Jew. Yeah, so. Swimmer? Swimmer?

Very good swimmer. Yeah. His girlfriend or fiance, I think he lives in Austin now. He's not gay? No. Oh. No. We took him to a strip club and he, uh, never been to a strip club. He'd never been to a strip club. Never been to a strip club. Okay. And, uh,

He's a very literal man. He's really smart. Do you know what he does to calm down after a show? Math problems. What? He goes in and does math problems. Regularly? Regularly. He tutors children in math for free because it relaxes him. What? He tutors children in math. He's one of the most fascinating. Can I open this up more? I was going to ask you, but I didn't want to interrupt.

Do I feel anything? No. Here, do you want to give me my shot now on camera? Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah. He's, by the way, he's one of the smartest human beings I know. Dude, look at this guy. He's so fucking funny. He really is hysterical. Wait, was he a college swimmer? No.

This is just from casual swimming? Dude, he knows swimming like crazy. He really follows swimming. So he did swim in college. Is he a Division I swimmer? He must have been. You don't know shit. I don't know. You don't miss it at all.

So I think his wife or his girlfriend went to the Olympics, I think. As soon as she was two? I think so. I don't know. I don't listen a ton. Completely made up. Is that his page? That's Monday Punday. He's really good at puns. That's insane. He's a really smart man. When I was getting ready for this hour, he was just traveling with me the whole time and doing shows with me. And the way he assesses comedy is so...

Somewhat analytical yet fun. There was a joke I had. Here we go. I'll let you poke me. Can we do the booty? Yeah, can we? Yeah. Are you going to hit my sciatic? No. All right, ready? Yeah. One, two, three. You good? Yeah. I'm putting a band-aid so you don't get any blood. There you go. Okay. The, um...

His assessment for comedy is so analytical. Like he really does go, you said this here, you can't say this again. Like he's just really smart. You should check out his special. It's on YouTube. It's really funny. But man, that moment...

I mean, we spend the rest of the moment we talk. I mean, it was like such a fucking wild thing. What's crazy is my podcast streams live downstairs to all the women downstairs. Oh, my God. And you should have heard the fucking screaming. Sandra is one of the young ladies works. She threw up. She threw up. I mean, I look like Ari was about to throw up, but it's his piss. I know. Super gnarly. So what's our price point on taste and come boys? No. Zero for me.

Zero. It's insane. If there was a game show. Where you drink cum? Yeah, man. Yeah, what would you call it? It's online. It's brought to you by First We Feast. It's called Hot Cums. Taking it from the source, I understand. That would be cool. You just different types of cum. I understand if you were like, hey, this guy's going to fire it right into my face. That might be like a different price. All right, what about this, honey? What about this? Okay, soft pitch.

I give you a million dollars. You will taste. You will eat cum within the week. You just don't know when you're going to get it. That's even that's just the same thing. But worse. What the fuck? I don't know. But like it's a surprise. Yeah, it's a surprise. It's like it's in a souffle. You don't know. You think you're eating something. I bet you've had cum before. No. All right. New office game. We got to get any to eat cum without him knowing it. Yes. And then we give you the cum surprise. Yeah.

Wait, has a girl ever kissed you after giving you a blowjob? Yeah. Because I think I have a case to come if that's the case. Yes. No. That's never happened? No, as a matter of fact, I push them away. They get upset about it. Oh, when they try to kiss you? Wait, how long? How long? Whoa. Wow. Coco in here is giggling, going, as a woman, I'm a little offended. Yeah, of course. Wait, so wait.

How long do you need to allow a mouth to rest before you'll go back to kissing it? Ain't a amount of time. It's brushing your teeth. To go brush your teeth. That's what you say. Go brush up, bitch. I mean, I don't say it. I don't got to call her a bitch. You're thinking it. I know you were like, yeah, bitch, go get some Colgate. Yeah, no, I'll just be like, she always, well, shit, all right. Yeah, they'll come up and I'll just be like, woo, hey. Hey.

You don't think it's kind of hot to have a little bit of your remnants on her mouth when she kisses you? I sure don't. I think it'd be hot. If she wants to keep it there, like, hey, that's cool, but like... Don't kiss me. No. All right. Hey, okay. I think Zola and Chad are being a little more honest. Yeah. Guys, have you ever kissed a girl after she sucked someone else's dick? Raise your hand. No. No. No.

What? Yeah. What do you mean? 10th grade. Oh, 10th grade. Okay. Like right after? No, I think it was pretty close. All I know is, all I know is I told my story. What kind of an animal were you fucking dating in 10th grade? I told my story. I told my story at lunch.

The period after the guy told his story. Uh-huh. So the guy told his story. There were two periods of lunch. Yeah. Some guys had both periods, you know? So like there was a group of guys that stayed. And you're like, I made out with Kelly. I was like, I hooked up. I want to say her real name. Yeah. I'm still fucking bitter about it. Yeah. But I was like, I hooked up with dot, dot, dot. Let's just call her Monica. It's not Monica. And I can't say Monica because I know a Monica that we all grew up with. But I made out with...

Fucking Frida. Frida Kahlo. Okay. Got it. I made out with Frida. And everyone goes, when? I said, Saturday night at Ty's house. And they're like, when? And I went, does it matter? And they're like, when did you make out with Frida? And I said, it was at the end of the night. And they go,

Was it the end of the night and I said yeah like at the end of the night she got on the couch She started making out with me, and they're like oh So what's Sean's dick tastes like? What they're like Sean got a blowjob from her earlier. I was like fucking Frida Kahlo's a whore Yeah, she is god man a bum so wait a minute, but Zolo back to you and Chad yeah You've kissed a girl after she's given you nice mouth kisses right I

I'll do like a tight-lipped peck. Like you're kissing your grandma? Yeah. There you go. I definitely have. Yeah. I'm not ashamed of it. No, of course not. No, of course not. You're a fucking adult, man. You're supposed to like full French after that. That's the way you do it. Yeah, you have her hold a little bit left for you and give it back to you, and we call it the any. And then you go, hey, you go leave a little in my stash. I want to know it was there. Exactly. Any. Any.

I'm really shocked. What are you shocked about? Like, just that you hold firm opinions on this. Do I seem like I would like cum? Is that what you're surprised about? What's the surprise? Well, you know, they usually say...

All black guys are gay. Clip it out. All right. We got to run. We got to run. Thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening. And yeah, we'll see you next week. I love you. Love you too. Bye. Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.