Seducing Taylor Swift | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 204
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This week on Two Bears, One Cave. It's awesome because I can dump loads in there without any worry. And anyone, I'm saying, not just her. Woo! Baby! Hurt people hurt people. Put that on a shirt. What if I just win everything? I fucking love it! I'm parting my dick off tonight. 100%. Cheers. Cheers.

Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim. Eh.

Hey, welcome to the program, Two Bears, One Cave. I'm Tom, he's Bert. You went to Metallica last night. Fucking four men played for 70,000 people as if...

It was in their backyard. Really? Four men. Four fucking men. They reposted that. I was high as fuck. You reposted. They reposted. They reposted me three times. Metallica reposted me three times. Dude, I picked up Isla for school. This is a badass video. Yeah. Have you seen it? Have you seen my stories yesterday? I picked Isla to go take Isla to school. I go get her coffee in the morning. I'm a pretty present dad these days. It's amazing. Georgia got fucked. I wonder why we had so many problems when she was in high school.

But I'm a pretty present dad, so I go in the morning and get Isla coffee. What's her coffee drink? Is it crazy? Dirty matcha. Dirty matcha? It's a matcha with a shot of espresso in it. Okay. And so I get Isla coffee. I get Leanna coffee. We had Stacey for something's burning. We're spending the night. I got her coffee. Then we're getting ready for Metallica. It's so cool to have a plan. That's why I'm being dead serious when I say, if you...

If you're a fan of ours, I'm jealous. Like, cause I, cause I don't get that much shit in life. Yeah. But it's so fun to know we're coming in town or Metallica is coming in town or goose is coming in town or some bands coming in town and that your thing is that night that you got all day to think about it, what you're going to do. Like I actually, I fucking planned it. I was like, okay,

I want to bring weed in, right? I want to bring a vape pen in. So I brought my joke book. I put my vape pen inside my joke book as if I'm going to take notes. And then I brought joints, but I put the joints, Tom, inside my hat, like inside the band. And so I was all planned out. It was fucking awesome. No booze. Were your seats? Pretty good seats. And by the way, I'll tell you. Is it SoFi? It's SoFi, and I didn't pull the thing. I didn't hit up Live Nation. I just was like, because Isla, Secret Time was like,

I think she was a little freaked out that she would not look very normal to her friends. Because when you go to those events, as you know, like, sometimes they roll out the red carpet. And they'll be like, yo. And I mean this sincerely. It's sometimes needed. Like, last night, thank you everyone at Metallica that said hi. It was really pleasant. But, like, I had to separate from Isla because it was distracting from her and her friend's time. So I had to separate and just do pictures. And I did pictures for fucking...

Had to call it and be like go the show starting like I gotta go and so it was it was like I Recognized an insane amount just walking to the car and sure and I didn't want her friends to see any of that That's why I'm not going Sunday So wait, but she went but we're friends there. She just yeah her friends were there last night her friends She got another friend group going Sunday. I got you and so she just wanted regular seats and

She wanted to pick him out. She didn't want to do any of the backstage to any of the like like I hit up five finger death punch She's like I don't wanna go backstage. I want to do any of that I just want my friends to be no I want to be normal with my friends and

What the fuck's broken about this kid? Yeah, so in the morning, I'm fucking pumped dude It's so fun to have something to look forward to yeah, it really fucking is I really Swear me and you need a big tentpole event we do just for me and you to get up and like and I hope that it's like far enough in the future that I can party my fucking dick off like Super Bowl and

Super Bowl yeah, and you would be badass. I did it last year. I know I know let's do it. Oh, let's talk about I'm not gonna I know I we did this last year also okay, yeah So you always have the big ideas man? I can't help it anyway I start playing um and her Sandman in our driveway And I pull up and she walks out and I film her walking out head banging and

Now, here's the thing about Metallica. We went to go see Goose, my favorite band, my fucking favorite band. I'm going to have them on the Birdcast soon. You are? We're both doing Red Rocks. I'm going to come out for their Red Rocks show and see if I can interview them before the show. You know who hit me up? Who? That kid that just put out that song. Anthony Oliver? Yes. Oliver Anthony? Yeah. Keep going. He hit me up. Yeah. Because I saw the video. You want to call him? Yeah. I mean, he's a great guy.

Sure. No, I don't know. We don't have to call him right now. Can I tell you why? Why? He hit me up too. Do you know how he hit me up? How? How did he hit you up? Instagram. He said to me, I was like, I saw the message and I was like, huh, what is this? And first of all, I'll say that I saw that same video and I was just blown away. He's amazing. By the song. He's amazing. And he turned down $8 million, private jets and a stadium tour.

Like recently he turned it down. He just made a public statement on his Facebook. He still uses Facebook That's how a belation this kid is why he turned down. He said this isn't why he wrote music pull up his statement Halston It's actually pretty beautiful. I wish I had this kid's integrity. I do not I do not for anyone asking I will grow out a red beard and put on my older brothers clothes and play music barefoot in the mud for 50 bucks and you can

so he hit me up i won't even say what he said oh why because because mine's fucking hilarious mine's pretty funny too i just didn't want to i don't want to blow up his body to that wait wait hang on can i can i can i show you mine yeah and then you tell me if yours is similar yeah hang on let's add his adam as a contact create new contact incredible okay yeah wow i got this one

It's pretty funny, man. The kid's fucking funny. His, to me, I didn't know how to reply. And then he just wrote back, it's Oliver. And I was with Young Gravy. And so we sent a picture. And he's like, oh, man. So this is what he said. So first, you're right, is that he was offered $8 million for a contract? Probably for that song. And went to go ahead. I don't want six tour buses, by the way.

For the record, I travel with seven over fully loaded. Yeah. It's a fucking really good call. That's a pain in the ass. You know, my friend is on the Metallica tour. How many? Because so many trucks. Oh, hold on. I can do this math. Okay. So we had five. I'm going to say 15. How many? 62. The stage is in the round with a pit in the center and the drum kit pops up in different places. 62. Holy fuck. Yeah. Yeah.

Crazy, I mean they did 70,000 tickets last night and they're doing it again. What Sunday Sunday? It's a hundred, but they're only doing like eight cities. Yeah, they're doubling up Do you know how brilliant that is from a business by the way what they did for people that don't know? So that it's called like the no repeats So a lot of times when a band of that magnitude plays a city, they're like we're doing Friday Saturday at SoFi Mm-hmm. You're a fan you go. All right. I'll go to I'll go to Friday, you know see the show and

Well, on this tour, they're saying that when they go to the city and they play more than one, the two shows won't be the same. So if you go to Friday's show and you see Sunday, they're like, yeah, but Sunday will be totally different. So what ends up happening? I bought a two-day pass. I bought two two-day passes. I mean, how brilliant is that, though? It's fucking... Can I tell you what I wanted to do? And I didn't know if this would work, but I wanted to sell two shows. I wanted to do two shows by doing theaters...

And they'll have the first show be all old material. All the hits. All the hits. And then the second show, all new material. It's not a bad concept. Initially, I was thinking... So initially, I pitched it. You know I always pitch you. But I pitched it as me and you doing a festival. Because...

after fully loaded, I got offers from some of these bigger venues, outdoor venues going, yo, how do I get you here for two days? Because for them, it makes more sense to lock us down for two days. And so we're trying to figure that out now. And, uh,

And I said, what if I did a festival with, say, me, you, Sebastian, Eliza, whatever. I'm just saying, some people have a couple Netflix specials. And the first day is all old material. Like, all the bangers. And the second day is all new material. Same comics, same new material. I couldn't get anyone to bite. Everyone was like, it doesn't make sense. Why would anyone want to see old stuff? I was like, I don't know. I don't know. I mean, the thing is, if you made that announcement, it's interesting. I'd be interested to see...

what a fan base responds with because there's definitely people that are comedy fans that go, I would like to do that. Like, I'd like to see that, but you have to have them a hundred percent on board with that. You know, we do. I'll find out. We, uh,

Hey, guys, we're curious. It's me and Tom. What's up, guys? If we did a two-day festival, meaning two days at somewhere like Red Rocks, first night, we each did about 45 minutes. Of the hits. Of the hits, all the old stuff. And the second night, did all new stuff. Would you buy a two-day pass for me and Tom? That's our question. Answer in there, and we'll have the answer by the end. Thank you. We're doing two bears. Look at that.

Look at that. So that makes me really angry now that I know that. What? That they're not playing any of the same songs on Sunday. Right, you're seeing a whole different show. I'm not. Right. I got uninvited. Right, but everybody else who got... Isla's getting... I wonder if she doesn't even know that. She's going to have a whole other show. That's fucking... Would you... Look at that.

Here's the so so when we went and saw I don't know how we I don't know I don't know if there's the same. Oh wait. We didn't go back to the statement. We were doing Oliver I'm sorry Oliver. I don't want six tour buses five tractor trip 15 tractor trailers in a jet I don't want to play stadium shows. I do not want to be in the spotlight I wrote the music I wrote because I was suffering with mental health and depression and

He currently lives in a $750 camper that he bought off Craigslist and says he dropped out of high school at 17 and worked multiple plant jobs in North Carolina and glued a stand in a paper mill. Paper mill smells so fucking bad. Jesus. I don't know what fucking Oliver Anthony's thinking. Have you ever been in a paper mill?

Have you ever been in a paper mill? I have. It's not your favorite, the best job you want to have. This is incredible. He's been open about trying to fix his mental health problems with alcohol. Hey, Anthony, let's me and you hang out, Oliver. One month ago, Anthony claimed he knelt in prayer and promised God to get sober if it helped him follow his dream.

When enough is enough, when we're going to fight for what's right again. When are we going to fight for millions of dollars? When is enough enough? Not when enough is enough. When is enough enough?

You read the rest. Okay. When are we going to fight for what is right again? Millions have died protecting the liberties we have. Freedom of speech is such a precious gift. Never in world history has the world had the freedom it currently does. Don't let them take it away from you. Just like those wandering in the desert, we, excuse me, in the desert, we may have lost our way from God and have let false idols distract and divide us.

Yeah, he's an impressive guy. He's really talented. That is, by the way, the group he's in to turn down $8 million when he's in the situation, he's in to be like, this is not what I'm about. I mean, you're talking about the 0.001% of artists in the world that would be like, nah, not doing it. He should...

Whatever I'm not gonna tell what to do. No, no, no, I don't think doing the right thing I'm just I don't have that I never had that like the reason I did art was to share with people The reason I did stand up was to share with people. He's sharing it. Yeah, he's just he's sharing it. He's sharing he's doing it He's got a bigger reach than I do. He's the baby. He's probably one of the hottest things He's probably what he's probably see those those videos of people watching that video. I

Man, you know when they show it's like essentially like a reaction somebody like yeah So there's a montage of people watching him do that song that I retweeted and I was in tears Watch watching it. I stopped crying now that I haven't been drinking stopped crying. I haven't been crying lately Hmm, I'm crazy. There's a whole bunch of things going on with you. Yeah

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With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Only on Peacock. I would have a hard time turning down $8 million. Yeah, a lot of people would. It's a really significant amount of money. Like if you, let's see, if you scroll down. Wait, is that? What the fuck? That looks really old. I haven't been on Twitter in a long time. That's...

What's this wait a minute that's from 20 to 2020 Why is that have you do not use your Twitter anymore? No, I do That's oh, that's the way it does it now Twitter. He's not on your Twitter. He's on just Twitter Pulls up old pins or your highest things I haven't been on Twitter But I did I did log into Twitter for some Joe saw sent and what came up was like old stuff And I was like, I'm out. I don't even understand it. I'm done. I

Here's the thing about that kid is, hey, Halston, we don't need to scroll through his Twitter. It's all good. It's all good. It's impressive. And I bet he has a fear that with fancy clothes, fancy shoes, fancy cars, he loses the struggle and what he needs to talk about. Yeah. I mean, he's like the Dave Attell of music. Yeah. Because Attell got offered everything we've got offered and more. And he just was like, nope, clubs.

Clubs is what I do. And I got to be honest with you, as a fan, I'm grateful. Yeah. Like there is a delude. Like there's a thinning of your talent there.

when you do bigger, bigger, bigger venues. Like, as you do an arena tour, you have to, you're forced to go back to clubs to find out what works. If you just stay in arenas, you're fucked. You are fucked because all your jokes are like, and then I kicked her in her pussy. Ah, yeah. You know, like. No, you have to. You have to do, and I think it's actually good. I went right to a Dave Chappelle joke. That's my favorite joke he has. That's a great joke. That's my favorite joke he has. That's my favorite. Kick her in the pussy is my favorite fucking joke. It's so funny. Um,

But you also, if you're doing an arena tour, you should schedule clubs in the middle of that tour. It keeps you honest. It really does. Okay. I mean... You mean like... You're not talking Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. No, no, no. I just mean like if you're doing this tour and you just do massive venues, a good thing to do is schedule ones that are not that size. Yeah. I think you're right. So...

Shout out to Oliver Anthony. Yeah. And blowtorch. Yeah. That's all I have. Um, so anyway, so this is the backstory about Metallica. Okay. So, so I can't get this fucking lit. I rolled it too tight. I've been rolling joints a lot lately. You have been, I love it. I love it so much. The ritual. Yeah. The ritual is nice. Um, so, okay. Uh,

So we're at Goose in Chicago. Georgia and Daisy, her friend, are having a fucking blast. Leanne's having a blast. I'm having a blast. Are they all fans too? No, they're brand new fans. They're like, this is awesome. Isla's not into it. She's like, yo, can you get me... I feel like this is smoke all over the place. No, it's smoking for you now. She goes, can you get me... Can you take me to a concert I want to go to? I'm like, sure, what's that? She's like, Metallica, Tool, Korn. I was like, okay.

So did you know she was a fan of these before I did not so I take her I get tickets to Metallica dude to watch your kid fucking jam out And she was fucking like this the whole fucking time. I felt like the ultimate dad and then In the middle of the show I walked out about each of the girls Like little gift bags like a little got a little tote got him three shirts and a hoodie fucking expensive I didn't realize how expensive that shit is but it's it's crazy because

You know, sometimes, and I mean this with love, but sometimes you'll get the fan that comments on how much your ticket costs, and it'll be shitty. I remember the first time it ever happened to you, to me. Meaning, we were in Philly, and this dude's like, dude, fuck Tom, fuck you.

Dude, he's charging $30 a ticket. Fuck that guy. Who the fuck does he think he is? I remember being scared. I remember being like, ooh, don't charge more than 20. And then I talked to you, and you were like, fuck that guy. What did he look like? I go, he looked like pretty homeless. And you're like, yeah, I don't want him at my show.

You're like, if you don't like me for an extra $10, you're like $10, $10 fucking dollars. Yeah. And I was like, you know, man, when you love something, I don't mind going out of pocket a little bit for the experience. Sure. I don't mind going in and seeing a little extra, like we got...

Not the best tickets, but we paid way more than was paying for my show way more. Yeah, how much are my target tickets? Well, I mean it's well known so you can yeah, we paid I got eight tickets for like $5,500 yeah, and they weren't even great see I looked at everyone around us and I was like How did you guys afford this? Because I was like I was like I know this is this took a bite for me. I was like fuck I

By the way, I initially gotten, I'd gotten two, seven tickets and we thought we got a steal and fucking dumb, dumb Isla was like, she looked at him after we bought him. She goes, I might've made a mistake. You want to be closer, right? I'm like, motherfucker. She had us in the nosebleeds in the top. I was like, Isla, we just dropped two grand on nosebleed tickets. She's like, we'll give them to somebody. I was like, it's all your fucking money. Yeah. So, so.

Yeah, we'll give them to somebody. We're gonna scalp them outside the fucking... What'd you do with them? Gave them to the people on the team. Oh, you did? Yeah, I hit up everyone at Birdie Boy and I was like, yo, if anyone wants to go see Metallica... By the way, it's a great show anywhere you fucking sit. Sure. Anywhere you sit, it's just being there for the event. It really made me feel like eventizing everything. Making things a little bit bigger. Because they made it big. Fire. Fucking lights.

I had a panic attack in the middle and I was like, and I calmed myself down. Yeah. I was like, I say, cause it's so big and so far so fucking big. Yeah. I, I, I, uh, I started making a bucket list of bands. I want to see. That's cool. I haven't, I haven't seen, I mean, I was in New Zealand and they just go, do you want to go see Ed Sheeran? And I go, Oh yeah. Yes. Fuck. Yes. Cause I just know I wasn't even like,

I'm not well-versed in Ed Sheeran, but enough where I'm like... All you need to know is it's kind of hip-hoppy from one of us. Well, I just know that the guy is... One of the most sunburnable people in the world. But he's like...

also just like this musical savant. Like he's so watching him do it, you know, like I was like, always heard about him playing just with like a looping machine and watching him put it together. And you're like, Holy shit. And that was a stadium too. That was insane stage that they built. I mean, so I found out, I'm like, wait a minute though. We're in New Zealand. Like, yeah, they had to get like a duplicate of his stage built and shipped over. That's what I put on a ship.

And, like, that's how that got there. I was like, because it's so elaborate. It's like the Metallica build-out. Oh, he was. Him and Taylor Swift are the two biggest things in touring. Yeah, massive. What we do in touring is nothing compared to them. Taylor Swift made a billion dollars in L.A. In L.A.? In L.A. See, find out how much money Taylor Swift made on her L.A. run. I think she did seven shows, and I think she grossed a billion dollars. Stop. Stop.

I could be. How much did Taylor Swift gross in LA? Those pictures aren't going to help. Let's see. Oh, maybe not a billion. Hang on. That's increased. That's so crazy.

That her six concerts resulted in a $320 million increase to LA County's GDP and added 3,300 jobs and 160 million earnings for businesses. Okay, so how many... Good God. We still didn't get my answer. Yeah, I know, but...

I don't want to know how much they brought to LA. I'm sorry. Just scroll up. Find out how much many... Fucking Jesus. I'm high and I'm never going to get fucking communicate. I'm never going to communicate what I'm trying to communicate. How about how much did Taylor Swift earn for her LA concerts? Maybe that'll come up. Does it actually? Yeah, yeah. I see that. I see that. Find out how much Taylor's shift. Shift. Find out how much Taylor's shift. Five billion in cities total.

This is insane. Well, you saw, I mean, how, there's no such thing. You know, people break websites. You'd have to cheat on your wife for her, right? High traffic. Yeah, of course you do. Like if Taylor Swift was like, yo, you want to come backstage? And then she's like, yo, lose your kids. Yeah. You're like, yeah, they're fine. I'd be like, and then she's like, can the fucking, your mom tell her to go wait in the car? I'm like, that's my wife. She's like, well, fucking lose the drip. Yeah. And then she's like, you want to party? Yeah.

I was like, what? She's like, that's not, you know. Yeah. Come on. I made a billion dollars in this city. You don't think I'd fucking get down? Line your dick up with coke. Let's fucking blow it off your cock. Hang on, hang on. What do you do for real? I'm being for real right now. What are you talking about? You pull your dick out. What are you talking about? It's Taylor Swift. And also, your mom would understand, just so you know. Afterwards, she'd understand. Who wants to sign t-shirts with Taylor Swift? She asked if I could just go to the bathroom real quick and she'll sign them. Dad. Dad.

Course you do fucking I wait how old is she is it creepy that I'm 50 talking about Taylor Swift's? Yeah, of course my cock of course it is That's fucking I get I got chicks pregnant at that age What if Taylor Swift's like can you give me some of your seed? There's your seeds still good. No for real. I'm snipped. Ooh Well, it takes you out of this fucking fantastic scenario. No, it does It's awesome because I can dump loads in it without any worry. Mm-hmm and anyone I'm saying not just her. Oh

Sorry, I wasn't just talking about you, Taylor. You think she's a fun time? I think she's a fucking blast. I think so, too. I think she's a fucking blast. I bet she's... I bet there would be a night... Imagine the album she would write after dating you. He can't find his sunglasses in the morning.

I was up all night, dude, to sleep at the, uh. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That's so much money. Nine to 13 million per concert. So her ticket prices have to be just. They're astronomical. She broke. I was always saying she broke Ticketmaster. Like, think about how much traffic Ticketmaster is used to handling. And when she announced her tour, they were like, hey, man, the site is crashed. Ticketmaster. Yeah.

It's fucking crazy. I think it would be cool. Like this is my scenario with me and Taylor. So we go back there, right? I'm with my kids. Yeah. I'm with my wife. She's got all her people back there. And they're like, Taylor, Taylor, we need you for a second. We need you. She's like, give me a second. I'm talking. You're my favorite comedian. And I'm like, she was like, that podcast you do with the bald guy. I fucking love it. And I was like, oh, thank you so much. She's like, so who is everyone? I go, this is my wife. She gives me like a weird look.

She's like, you're really sweet. You know that? Yeah. And then I introduce my kids. And she says, she goes, so how serious is it? And I go, what? And she comes in real quick. Almost like she's going to kiss me and whispers in my ear. And I'm like, what? And then she kicks off her high heels, grabs my hands, and we start running. And everyone's, Taylor, Bert, don't go. But we're running, looking over. It's our night tonight. Yeah. And then. By the way, she's 34. I mean, that's still very. She actually, she's like.

the lady and you're like she's terminal she's got like she's got a week to live she can't hear us yeah she's got a week to live she can't hear us Taylor Swift's 33 years old she's got a boyfriend I think she's got a series of boyfriends right I mean like over the years right and there's always like big drama around cause she was with who's Taylor Swift Maddie Healy Maddie Healy oh the front man of the 1975 they broke up they broke up alright fucking oh here we go who is Taylor's ex-boyfriend that second drop down

Here we go. John Mayer. Oh, what the fuck? John Mayer? That's not even that long. Jake Gyllenhaal? Harry Styles? Connor Kennedy, the center for the Guardians? Wow. Whoa. That's the list? Jesus Christ, man. Taylor Lautner? Sam Armstrong. Joe Jonas. Yeah, Taylor Lautner. Drew Dunlop. Thomas Hiddleston. I don't know. I don't know half these names. Not a lot of diversity. Do better.

Taylor. Yeah. It's like John's. It's like Sam's. Lucas. Taylor. Oh, Taylor dated a Taylor. Oh, yeah, that's weird. Yeah, Taylor. Would you feel weird dating a Burt? Would that be strange to you? Oh, Burt, you're so hot right now. Oh, Burt. Drew Hardwick? What's that? Teardrop on my guitar. Oh, these are songs they wrote about them. Yeah, what song do you think she'd write about me? Dead Fat and Bloated? Oh, yeah.

What's that smell? What's that smell? I know there's a dick there somewhere. It's just about to be in dark and we're playing in the covers. I see my youngest all the time now. He's like,

I'm like, what are you doing? He's like, smelling my hands. And it reminds me of the first time you came to pick me up when I lived in the Rampart division. And Christina didn't know who you were. And she goes, I think Bert's outside. And I go, he is? She goes, there's a guy in like a white truck smelling his fingers. I was like, that's him. That's him. Nailed it. Yeah. Yeah. Taylor Swift.

She is the fucking... She is the shit. What if we could just become friends with her? It's probably a very lonely existence right now for her. I'm guessing. I bet it is. You're so famous. You're too famous. What if she was into us and she's like, hey, would you guys do a live episode of Two Bears before I go on stage? And we're like, ooh. I don't know if... Do you watch all the episodes? Just the one about you. No, talk about blowing those. She's like...

Are you really going to do a double DP with Adriana Cechik before me? We're like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy. Taylor, what are you talking about? Calm down. If she had a sense of humor, she'd invite us to our show and lead us on and get us totally naked and then have everyone walk in. That would be pretty cool. That would be fucking hilarious. Like me and you just totally naked. And then we go, we were kidding too. Yeah. That's why we're jokingly rock art. I know we're doing a prank. That's why I'm winking. Who do you think your wife's would be?

That's a good one like where your wife would be like oh, can I tell you what's crazy so lately ends driving We're driving to the show last night. Yeah, and Leanne's Leanne drives even now that I'm not drinking Leanne still drives and that crazy Yeah, I never drive you don't like to drive like to be on my phone Yeah, like I feel like if I'm always like can I just see the directions? She's like I don't know how to do this Alexa I go it's Siri a land. We're in the car. Oh

What was I talking about? Who your wife would bone. Oh, we're in the car and she goes, she was talking about James Hetfield. It's ripped from Yellowstone. You're right. It's ripped from Yellowstone. My wife would fuck him in front of me. Really? In front of me. And by the way, he's like reached out to her. Like he didn't know he was doing it. Someone was with him at a party and they were like, yo, whatever your name is, Copper, Cole. I think I know him.

Do you? I think so. It's crazy. He used to be like a redhead. You know, he's like Louis B. Mayer's grandson. Dude, I feel like I know this guy. Cole Hauser. Yeah, I think I know him. He's a badass, dude. He's old school Hollywood. Wait, do I? Maybe I don't. Maybe I'm confusing him with another actor. How would you know him? From a... I connected with an actor...

you know, that I just met before from another series though, that I was like, Oh wait, is that him now? So Cole Hauser looks totally different than this guy right here in real life. Pull up. Just, you can't just do rip. Just do Cole Hauser. Yeah. Nice. Cole Hauser was in a Richard Linkletter's movie. Dazed and confused. Okay. He was, he was, he's Louis B. Mayer's son. Grandson. I don't know. I don't know. Look at that jawline. Yeah. He's like a legit fucking actor.

And Leanne's all in. She's obsessed with Rip. We have a poster of Rip in our living room. Really? Like the one I have of you with your legs. We have the same thing in our living room. And so, yeah, she's obsessed with Cole Hauser. I can't believe that blasphemous lie you're telling. So she, did you see the picture I posted today? Today? Yeah. Go to my stories, Halston. I just took a picture next year. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. There we go. Look at my legs compared to yours.

Fucking huge calves. Look at that guy. You're so full of shit. So we're driving down and Leanne tells a story about James Hetfield.

She was like one time she was at a she was she was a waitress and this guy was like fucking harassing her and he's being a dick and James Hetfield walked up to be she was like no he was he was still Metallica but he walked up to the guy and he's like hey how about you get the fuck out of here before I take you out of here. The guy's like what he goes no one talks to anyone like that no one's allowed to talk to people like that. The answer is some waitress I think at the Chateau Marmont maybe and she's like

And the guy's like, go fuck yourself. He's like, I will take it outside right now. And he's like, over her? And he's like, yeah, over her. Let's fucking go. And the guy's like, the fuck, man? He's like, yeah, get the fuck out of here or I'll walk you out. The guy walks away and James Heffield says, sorry you had to deal with that. She was like, it's okay. And he goes, no, it's not okay. No one should be talked to like that.

And he just walked away. She went back and said, can I buy you a drink? And he went, no, I'm fine. Thanks. Just a fucking, don't you love when you hear good guy stories like on the DL? Of course. On the DL. Like no one's supposed to know how good this guy is. And then it comes out.

And that was when she was working. Yeah. And that's why I leave my name on the GoFundMe lists. Cause how are they going to know it's me if they don't know my name? Yeah. Right. Right. I'm blown away by how, how you don't leave your, you go anonymous. I've done both. I said though, I mean, I've done, I've done. Why do you go anonymous when you do anonymous? I don't want the attention for it. So like, for like who, who someone you hated, but you're like, no, I just go like, I don't want this. I just don't want it to be a thing. I guess. I don't know. I just, here you go. Here's the donation.

or there's ones that I've given that I just don't, it's not a public thing. I've donated to it. And I guess you could find that. Okay. I just figured it out for all those in vitro. I donated to, I should never have put my name on because they hit me up a lot and they're like, I need more money.

Okay. A lot of those in vitros. There was a period where I was like heavy and in vitros. Like people who are trying to get pregnant? Trying to get pregnant. And what had happened was people were like, people were really shitty in the comments. They were like, maybe you're not supposed to get pregnant. Oh my God. And-

And then they were like, I'm not going to fucking pay my money so you can have a baby. Fucking, if you want a baby, you figure that out. Jesus. And I was like, and I felt bad because there's always the women. It was never the guy. Yeah. The guys never won in vitro. It was the fucking women. And so I just kind of would slide in with not a ton of money, but whatever I had, whatever I felt was easy to type in. Type, easy to type in. A few grand? Yeah.

A thousand. I don't think I've ever given less than a thousand. Yeah. I give a thousand easy. The most I've ever put in GoFundMe is 20 grand. 20 grand? No tip. No tip. No tip to fucking GoFundMe. What? Because you put on GoFundMe, you give them money and they're like, hey, how much do you want to give us? Oh.

Oh. 10%. And you're like, I'm going to give you $2,000. Suck my dick. How about 75 bucks? Yeah. That's how much you get. So no brainer. I've given the most money I've given this to actual friends that started GoFundMe because I want to retweet them and I want people, they have the money to see, but I also want them to know I gave money because that's the number one thing you get. You retweeted GoFundMe, they're like, where's your name on there? And you're like, I did anonymous fuck face. Yeah. And they're like, I didn't see you gave money. So you want me to give money? Yeah. Woo!

Baby fucking cut hurt people hurt people put that on a shirt. I think that is oh, it is I think see if you can get the shirt hurt people hurt people and then get me a XL man Oh, please say they don't have it. Oh, no, I do Yeah, well, I guess I didn't make that hurt people hurt people are those hands shaking? No, it's a knife and healed people heal people. Hey, let's talk about urban Meyer and the fucking I

The Gators, are you watching that? Of course. I just started watching that. That team was fucking bananas. Okay, who's better? That team or the fucking Miami team with Shockey on it? Pull up the two fucking lineups, and I know nothing about... 2001 Miami Hurricanes. Yo, we need to get Tim Tebow on here. Yeah, that'd be great. Tim Tebow. Man, I'm bummed, still bummed that he's not playing professional football. He would have retired by now, right? Yeah. For sure.

This is the... Hey, wait. When you think about it, Tom. Yeah. Baker Mayfield kind of did what Oliver Anthony's doing. Baker Mayfield? Not Baker Mayfield. Sorry, Baker. Baker, I need a lot out of you this year, okay? I need a lot out of you this year. I need a fucking lot. What I need is you to leave it all in the field and fuck anyone who talks shit about you. I want you dancing in the end zone taunting motherfuckers. I want old school Baker that almost got canceled for calling people a**.

Okay? Bleep that out. I want old school Baker. Fucking Baker Mayfield. He's starting for the Bucs. And I'm betting $10,000 on the Bucs to win the Super Bowl. That's a pretty exciting bet. Can you imagine? I want a million dollars if they win. I know, but just how much of a rush will you feel just if they get in the playoffs? You're going to be like... Dude. Yeah. Dude, I'm betting... So, I don't know...

Yo, if you're a betting website, hit us up and I'll just do it exclusively through you. I'm betting. Here's my plan. You ready? Yeah. $10,000 on the bucks and then $1,000 against the bucks every game. That's your bet? Yeah. That way, if I lose, then I still get my money back.

Okay. But if I win, then I have a chance of just a free million dollars. Oh, man. I should bet, too. Is that not a bad bet? I don't know. I'm not a good sports bettor, but I feel like I should bet on it. Do you know Big Cat? Yeah. He's a big time bettor. Do you have him in your phone? He's a fucking... I got him. I'm calling him. Okay. You think he'll answer on a fucking... No, he's watching some sporting game right now, isn't he? It's a Saturday. He's sitting next to Portnoy.

They all cashed out for big checks. What's up, Bert? Hey, buddy. I'm sitting with Tommy. We're doing two bears. And we want to talk gambling with you for a second. Okay. What's up, big cat? What's up, Tom? My new setup. I'm watching. You can hear in the background. I have five TVs in my basement. All four of them are on sports. Then the middle one's on Peppa Pig. That's a good dad right there. That's a solid dad. I got horse racing, football.

Little League World Series and Peppa Pig. Holy shit. Fuck. So wait, here's what I'm wondering. Who did you bet to win the Super Bowl, the Eagles last year? All right, so I bet the Eagles a 22-1 last year. This year I have the Ravens, but I also, Jersey Jerry, who I work with. Hold on one sec. Jersey Jerry, who I work with.

He has a ghost in his house, and we went ghost hunting last week, and the ghost told me to bet the Jets at 15-1. So I put 10K on the Jets at 15-1 because that's what the ghost told me to do. Wait, wait, wait. 15-1 to win the Super Bowl? Yeah. It was a ghost bet. You can't. You can't. I was talking to a ghost. I can't say no to a ghost bet. Fuck, I wish you hadn't told me about your ghost bet. Yeah. What about, okay, I heard it's 75-1 for the Bucs to win.

Yeah, that would be just lighting your money on fire. You want me to just book that action? I'll take it. Okay, well, what about this? What about this? What if I bet $10,000 on the Bucs to win the Super Bowl and then every week bet $1,000 against the Bucs? Well, they're going to be underdogs, so you probably will just end up

And I'm losing even more money. Fuck, fuck. I thought I had it figured out. Son of a bitch. Do you know how many times I thought I broke Vegas? This is a new system. It's going to work. This is going to work. I'm just going to fade the public. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do that. And then I look up and I'm like, wait, how'd this happen? I lost everything again. Hey, is, is, is it, is it a fun bet to bet who's going to win the Superbowl?

Yeah, it's fun if you, I mean, it's like a season long, like especially you guys with your schedule and like your touring and stuff. If you can't watch every game, you know, you have something invested in the entire season. So yeah, do it. Why not? Ravens? I have Ravens 18 to one. I like that.

Okay. All right. I'm going through. I'm going to pick two teams. And the Ghosts. Don't forget the Ghosts. I'm best friends with Aaron Rodgers. If they just win the Super Bowl and I win the first ever Ghosts pick, I mean, that will go down as the greatest pick of all time. Hey, Barstool's got a sports book, right?

Yeah, no. I don't know if you read the news recently, Bert. I know you've been off for a month, but we do not anymore. He bought the company back for a dollar. I know you've been on vacation. Oh, that's right. He came in and lit up because everyone was in the office at 9 a.m. Yeah, yeah. So, we no longer have one. That's good, though, right? I mean, the whole situation is a win-win all around. So, we couldn't...

I don't want to get into it, but there was, you know, the regulators were so insane with us. They did an entire hearing in Massachusetts about my can't lose parlay because they were saying I was like, you know, misleading people because I was calling it can't lose. It was basically the Michael Scott deposition where they were like, our lawyers were quoting like, you know, crunch berries aren't actually berries aren't actually buffalo.

And so like it was one of the funniest things ever. I had like people – our lawyer had to be like, listen, Dan Katz is the worst gambler of all time. Everyone knows this. And it's like documented like in court record that I'm the worst gambler of all time. Oh, that's perfect. So we should definitely not take your advice on anything right now, right? No, don't take any of my advice. Listen –

I lose. I'm a loser. I'm a lifelong loser, but I love doing it. So I'm never going to stop. The sparkle, man. It's hard to turn down the sparkle of when you've got, when you're about to cover and they're going to kick a field goal. And if they kick the field goal, you win fucking $10,000. There's no better feeling than right as they hike the ball. It is the fuck. It's why I live life.

It's the best. My favorite thing in the world is on Saturday mornings in college football or college basketball, looking and being like, all right, there's like 60 games and I'm going to bet every single game. And it's like 10 in the morning. I'm like, what if I just win everything? I fucking love it.

It must be my equivalent is when you go to the doctor and you get your liver enzymes back and they're good and you're like, shut up. I'm putting my dick off tonight. I did it again. I did it again.

All right, dude. Hey, what sports book do you use? Can you say? I can't. I still am using the Barstool sports book still exists. So I'm still using it, but it will become ESPN best in a couple months. Okay. All right. Well, thanks, buddy. I appreciate it. I'll talk to you later. See you guys soon. All right. See you, bro. He's fucking awesome. Yeah, he's great. Him and PFT are fucking awesome. That's a great show. Yeah. So then let's think this out. Let's have something to look forward to.

I feel like going to gamble now. I want to gamble. Yeah. I want to gamble. I want to gamble. I want to gamble. Look, if I'm not going to, if I'm trying to re-figure out how this weekends are going to work, and I can easily not drink on Sundays if I'm gambling all day. But you got to like, here's the thing. If you want, you want to feel it, you got to kind of up the action. You know, you can't be like, hey, a hundred bucks. It's got to hurt. Yeah. It's got to hurt. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Got to hurt if it's going to be a thrill. Let's talk about it. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Yeah. I'll say this publicly. I don't know when we're getting, I don't know when this is airing and we can clip this out and send this to someone. What are the, I don't know. I'm not going to say all the names. I don't want to miss a name of a site so that would exclude them. Yeah, don't do that. If you're a gambling site, I will tell you this right now.

I will publicly say what you pay me per episode, and I will bet everything you pay me per episode every fucking week. So there's a chance that you'll get all that money back every fucking week. I'll take that action too. If there's a website out there that wants to sponsor us, we will bet our entire paycheck per read. Basically, we possibly will be doing free reads for you all season. Whatever we get, we'll bet all of it. And...

And then we'll gamble all fucking. Yeah, we'll just say what our bets are. We'll say what our bets are. And we'll be very open. By the way, if you want us to be discreet, then we'll be discreet. But know that our deal is per read, we will bet every penny that weekend on fucking football, college football and pro football.

And we'll always do a Monday night game. So when you see... So when the episode drops on Monday morning and you know what team we bet...

You know that night when you're watching Monday Night Football, you're rooting for one of us or against one of us. How's that sound? I like it. That's great because our episodes come out Monday morning. So we're like, yo, I got the Eagles tonight. Or I got the Bucs over the Eagles. Yeah, yeah. And I'm taking you over in a parlay. And that Monday night, you're watching the game going, Bert's got fucking money on this. Tom took the opposite. That'll be fucking fun. Yeah, I'll do that. Let's do it. Let's do it. We'll bet on every money. Every Monday Night game has to be a big bet.

Because it's a Monday show. By the way, we just bet Monday night games big as fuck. Yeah. Let's figure this out. Let's do it. If you're a gambling site. Let's do it. Okay, so let's go back to, I want to talk, because you know college football. I don't want to make the whole thing about football. We did talk about blowing loads in Taylor Swift. Who was better? Who was better? That Miami team or that Florida team? Well, it depends on if we're talking about the 06 or 09 season.

for Florida. And then is it this 2000 or 2001? I think it's 2001. Or is it 2000 Miami? What's the 2000 Miami roster look like? Leave that one up, but just add the 2000. Shockey was on the team. Yeah. Let's see. Let's see. Because these... Clinton Portis was on the team. Oh my God, dude. God, look at this. Shockey. Dude. Wait, because the 2000 team...

Win the title or the 2000? Which one does this say? No. Represented. Sugar Bowl champion. National champion. National champion. So it is the 2000 team, right? National champion. Who was their quarterback? Ken Dorsey, I think, right? Am I right? Yeah, look at that lineup. Santana Moss. You got Santana Moss, Clinton Portis, and Najee Davenport in the backfield. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. Shockey's tight end. Ed Reed. Ed Reed.

What's that? Todd Severs. Oh, fucking look at Ed Reed. Ed Reed's unbelievable. Yeah. Keep doing that. Keep doing that. I want to see what they look like now. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Yeah, Dan Morgan was a fucking animal, dude. Oh, Jesus. Man. Dan Morgan looked like he was- Pull up the, what is it, 2004? No. 2007? 06 or 09 for the Gators, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That team was fucking thick. Yeah, that was a loaded team, man.

I mean, you know, the truth is each fan base will just tell you why theirs. Well, yeah, it's everything. Everyone says the same things. Like you watch, I'm watching the documentary. They're like football different in Florida. And I'm like, yeah, kinda, but they say that in Texas. Of course. Of course. And they say that in California and they say that in Ohio and they say it in Pennsylvania. Um, no, this team's outrageous too, man. I mean, this team had, I think the Oh nine team is more loaded for, uh,

For the Gators, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's when Tim Tebow was a junior. Yeah, the 09 team, they won the title again, and that's when they had like... Aaron Hernandez. Aaron Hernandez. Do you know he killed himself with soap on the floor? What? He put soap on the floor. Palsy. Yeah, because this had the Palsy twins, Chris Rainey. Yeah, Jeff Demps, Brandon James. Let's see. They had Brandon Spikes was still there.

What was their... They had, yeah, Major Wright, Ahmad Black. That team was loaded, man. Janoris Jenkins. God, they're all juniors. It's fucking crazy. Yeah, they fucked people up. That was a really, really good team. That doc is awesome. I just started it. Meyer is a psycho. And I fucking... Who? Urban Meyer. And he's a crazy person. He's a crazy person. And he basically went in there like, I'm training these people for special forces. Yeah. And like, yeah, when you see...

How all of them are, it's, it's, you know, 15 years later or whatever. And all those guys are like, that's the hardest thing I ever did in my life was working out for that team. Yeah. Like he's, he's a lunatic. Yeah.

I wonder, like I worked out pretty hard today, but I go, it's nothing like those kids. Like it's really, have you not seen like the mattress thing they were doing? I just started at the gym today. I started watching. There's a couple of teams that have like famous mattress and I didn't know about theirs, but there's like, they, like they, um, basically two of you, uh,

lay on the floor on a mat, and one of them tries to escape the mat by crawling away. The other one has to choke him out, and you just fight each other. They're just fighting. Is this the Florida? They're doing midnight lifts and shit. Yeah, they're doing... These are the Mattrells in Florida? Yeah, I mean, it's in the dock, but I don't know. I haven't seen how it is. And they have boxing gloves on? I haven't seen that. That wasn't in the one that I saw. What was this? But, yeah, get them to just...

Basically making them fight on top of all the lifting and the conditioning. That's the thing that's impressive to me about that is when you have a boy, a boy's natural instinct is to punch and fight and grab and wrestle and jump. They do it all the time. And then there's certain boys that...

that they get, they shake that out of or they don't have that. And then you look at like the, the men that go, go do this. They don't mind touching people. Yeah. I know. My Ellis is starting jujitsu for real. Yeah. Do you consult uncle Joe? I talked to him. I talked to a couple of other people. I listen to jujitsu. I listen to jujitsu. Really? Does she like it? She's been doing it for a few years. Yeah. Oh, she choked me out the other night.

Does she like it? Yeah, she loves it. She loves it. She's like, we were, I don't know where we were, and she was like, I could choke you out. And I was like, you can fucking choke me out. She goes, these are the big guys. I go, what? She goes, come here. And those little needle arms of hers went right under my chin, and Leanne and Georgia were watching. And I went like, and they started laughing so hard. And as soon as Isla heard them laughing, she just tightens it up. And I'm like, no, I'm tapping. And she's like, I haven't learned to tap yet. And I was like, what?

He goes, Ellis is like, he goes, I think I want to do jiu-jitsu. And I go, oh yeah? He goes, do you get a six pack if you do it? I go, yeah. And he goes, yeah, sign me up. He goes, I want them from up to here all the way down. I'm like, okay, you'll get them. Go ahead, dude. Yeah.

He was just a fucking eight pack. Do you realize he's going to be unmanageable at 10? Yeah. He's going to know how to fucking arm bar you. I know. And he's going to be out. No, I'm signing up the same time just because of that. You're doing Jiu Jitsu? Yeah, because I don't want him to kill me. Are you doing six and under? Yeah. I'm going to do all kids. Yeah. That's going to be atlas. Fuck, man.

You really are doing jiu-jitsu? I'm going to go to the same place that I take him to. Really? Yeah. That's crazy. I've always wished I could do jiu-jitsu. I just don't want to get a black eye. Why would you get a black eye? Every now and then they bump into you and you get a black eye. I'm like, I don't want that. What are you talking about? I don't know. I don't know. I'm not good with touching other people like that. Really? Yeah, you don't like the contact, right? I don't like touching. I don't like conflict. I don't like conflict. Yeah. Yeah.

If you could have, if there was a jujitsu class that taught you how to leave a situation early, I'd be like, that's what I'd like. Like, you should probably walk away now. That's the class? That's when I walk away? Okay, cool. And then like, yeah. I think it's just a cool thing to try. I've never tried it. I might do it and hate it. I don't know. It's a cool thing to know how to do. Yeah. I think, but then I get super competitive and I'm like, how fast to like a black belt?

Well, it depends on... 18 months. 18 months? I think that's the... What's the fastest jiu-jitsu black belt earned? It's not going to be that. 18 months. I mean, are you talking about someone doing it seven days a week? Yeah, they do it. So 10 fastest...

Okay. Travis Stevens. Yeah, but these are like elite people, right? No, they're just guys that went into a class. 18 months. That's so funny. I read that. Yeah, but. Isn't that funny how my, the one. But these are elite people, isn't it? No, no, no. Travis Stevens was a, he was a security guard outside of Target. What? And he got fucked with these kids. You're being serious? Yeah, I was like, I'm going to turn this around. I'm going to take jujitsu. And he focused hard and he got it in 18 months. How the fuck do you know this? I read the article. Yeah, type in Travis Stevens.

Travis Stevens, yeah, he was a security guard at Target. You're being serious. No, I should stop fucking around because he could kill me. Okay. No, I'm joking. I think he was a, how did he? Yeah, that's a really crazy thing. I've never heard of that. I mean, even the BJ Penn thing, who's super elite. I mean, that was three years. He got to, how, he did judo too. I don't know. Scroll down. Let's see.

Does it say anything about that? Because that's so weird, man. That's 18 months. I think he was probably like a fucking insane. Yeah. Yeah. Like natural talent. Yeah. He was an Olympian. Yeah. So he, if you go into jujitsu and you had a wrestling background, like you knew how to wrestle, you're definitely going to be like, they say about the Paul brothers is that they were really good wrestlers. Really? Yeah. Were they on the wrestling team?

Yeah. They were. Yeah. They're great athletes. I mean, they're really athletic dudes. Well, that Jake Paul, as much shit as people talk about him, the guy knows how to box. Like, he's a proficient boxer. He's a fucking phenomenal marketer. Well, that's for sure. That guy's a goddamn genius. I mean, look. Yeah. But he can... I mean, the way I... Those...

Those men's brains are fascinating brains. Yeah, yeah. To say the fucking least. But to the boxing thing, it's like, I understand the criticism of like, you haven't fought elite boxers yet. And that's true. But for somebody, like you just watch him in the ring, like he's not like some amateur that's like trying to, like he actually, he has a put together boxing game. Yeah. But everyone just wants to see him fight more.

Which is, you know, probably the thing to do now. I stood next to Ben Askren, the guy he fought. Ben Askren? Ben Askren. Yeah. I played disc golf with Ben Askren. You did? Yeah. Oh, he loves disc golf, right? Oh, and by the way, like, I'm a pedestrian compared to him. Like, I am not even remotely as knowledgeable or as good at disc golf as Ben Askren. He...

He is legit. I think he's ranked. He's got his own course at his house, and he's good. And he's fucking really passionate. Like, he knows discs. Funky Farms is where he plays at. I'm not going to lie, and I think Ben would admit this. I blew his doors on the first hole. Really? Yeah, we did an opening shot. Type in Bert Kreischer Disc Golf DGLO.

This is you and him? Me and him. I have it on my phone. I'll just send it to you. It's probably so much easier. I'm so not. Ben's like a good dude. Like he doesn't curse. Yeah. He's like doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't do anything. He's just a good fucking dude. Halston, I'll just send it to you. It'll be so much easier. So Burt's MacBook Pro. Let's see. That's me. No.

No, no, no. Here we go. That's me. Okay, so this is... Nope, not edit. Cancel. This is share and share. Here's me and Beniskrins to... No people found Halston. Hang on. General, airdrop, everyone, photos, Halston, Halston to Halston. Okay. Okay.

I did. I did have... Well, I had the benefit of... I played the day before. So I played a full round the day before and he hadn't played in a little bit. And he was like, I'm not loose. He's stretched out. He's a real athlete. But my point being, not that I'm just better than Ben at disc golf, but my point being... Ben's going to hear this and be like... And by the way, he's a man. He's competitive as shit. He's jacked. I mean, like...

You know, you see someone on TV and you think, oh, that guy, he's in good shape. Dude, you get next to him, his shoulder, no, like, just tank top flip flops, just...

Huge shoulders, huge arms, and just a jaw that you go, I couldn't kill him with a telephone. Yeah. Like he's just a fucking man. Yeah. So like the fact that Jake Paul knocked him out to me standing next to Ben Eskrin is just enough. Where I'm like, that's fucking badass. I don't think I could ever knock out Ben Eskrin. Is this it? Okay, this is Ben's drive. You're going to zoom in a little bit. Yeah. Here we go. It's a good drive.

He's going to drive barefoot. Look, he's jacked, right? Yeah, yeah. He's fucking jacked. Yeah. He's fucking jacked. Yeah, dude. That's a pro fighter, though. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A champion. World champion. Yeah. All right. Go to the more athletic sneaky guy. Yeah. Sneaky athletic guy. Sneaky athletic guy. So look at those arms. And that's what he threw. Yeah. And then Halston in the second will pull up. Your boy. Your boy, Bert. This is hole one? This is hole one.

Now, I go for a forehand. Wow, that guy's sneaky athletic. Look at those legs. Yeah. Okay. Don't worry about what I'm saying. I'm not sure what I'm saying. You can scroll forward a little bit. Halston. Here we go. I turn around to the thing, make a joke. Watch this throw. Wow. Goddamn. Guess what happens next, Tom? You know it. Yeah.

Now... Do you... Wait. Did he go this way? He throws a backhand. I throw forehand. Oh, wow. I didn't know people did that. Yeah. Forehand's easier for me. I will say, when you watch the fucking gangsters throw, like there's this guy, AB, who throws bombs. I'm talking like 800 feet. Bombs. Fucking bombs. Does he go overhand or... Overhand. His forehand... Or backhand. Like this. Backhand. I go like this just because of baseball. Oh.

So it's easier for me to get more spin and that they're like a frisbee or no. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, you should play one time. We'll play into Austin. You've never played right never. It's fun. You'll get into it This kid a B is fucking This isn't him. But is this like a this is a legit guy here. This is a legit guy So you look at these and they fucking well throw it far as shit. Oh

And wait, what do you do from there? You pick it up right there and you throw it again? Yeah, is this Beneskren? Similar hair. Looks like it. A lot of hippies. And then... Oh, Anthony, where is he?

Wait, but what is the goal? You get it into that cage thing? Yeah, you get into the cage. So you, so. Does it have to stay in the cage? Like through the cage? Yeah, it's got to land in there. Land in the cage. Yeah. Okay. And, uh, it's, it's really fun, but more importantly for me, it's like a nice long walk. It's being outside. Yeah, that's cool. You can fucking have a good time. It's really fun. Um, and then you get a little competitive with yourself and it's cool to throw bombs. Like I, every now and then I'll throw a fucking bomb and you're like, not all the time. How weighted are they? Uh,

like up to 174 this dude this dude this dude fucking look at this bro look at this seriously dude he throws his first throw now I'm talking like I'm with Paul McBeth I'm with fucking I'm with look at this this is him watch this I love the announcers

So then from there, he'll just toss it into the... He'll toss it in. Yeah, he'll take out a different... But all these dudes are gangsters? That's AB. That kid is throwing fucking nukes. Wait, he'll switch them? He goes forehand. If he's trying to throw a bomb, he'll throw a backhand. No, but I mean, will you switch your disc? Yeah. So right there, he's probably throwing a 174, really complicated disc to throw. And then look, he's rolling it. This is how good this guy is. He can then take it and roll it.

He knows how to make it do that? Yes. Wow. It's so fucking impressive. Look at that.

Kid's a fucking monster. Oh, so is there all different discs? Simon Lizotte is the number one right there. Yeah. And that guy is like the OG of like... No, but answer me though. What? Wait, so when you're closer, you switch the weight up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So right now when you're driving, right now he's like using a mid-range driver. Yeah. And it's probably 154... Grams? Grams, yeah. And so look at this kid. Look at this kid.

Look at this fucking... So are they more weighted from a distance? From a distance, you want to use a heavier one. Or if you're going into the wind, you want to use a heavier one. If you're going with the wind, they say you want to use a lighter one so the wind can carry it more. But, I mean, I only do heavy from the T. Heavy overstable. And...

But, but, and then when you get closer, you lighten your weights, you have more control. Less weight, the more control you have. And then when you get real close, you use your putter and your putter looks more like a traditional Frisbee, only like smaller. And, uh, but look at this fucking kid. Look at this, Tom. Look at how far this kid fucking throws it. Yeah, no, he's fucking ridiculous. All right. Look at this.

And then do you drink and stuff while you're doing it? These guys don't. They take it super serious. They're all like, I do, yeah. I take fucking some IPAs out there, a little joint, cigar. I brought a cigar out here to watch them play. This is at DGLO. This is at DGLO the year before. Is that like, that's the open? That's the Disc Golf's Great Lake Open. Look at this. The whole Ben and I threw, the whole Ben and I threw, that kid just threw it fucking 800 feet. Right there. How far do you guys throw it? Like to compare. No fucking...

three maybe yeah I don't know I really actually don't know I think probably 300 feet um Ben probably more Ben is actually better than me he's way better but my putting was on I was fucking draining him you would really enjoy it I'm telling you it's funny shit just to get out there he has his caddy like you switch out you have a caddy yeah oh my god

They bring about probably 20 discs with them, all different weights, some stable, some understable. So what they want is like on that thing, he's like, well, I can get in there, but I got to go around this way. So then he'll use a, fuck, I'm always fucking this up. He'll use an overstable disc. And so it'll cut in this way. An understable disc will cut out that way. Wow. Look at this. Over a lake. USDGC. Look at it. It's coming back around.

And then, by the way, the other guy, I could watch this all fucking day. Look at that. You got to go through the thing to get to the tee, get to the shut up, ace, fucking ace. Wow. Can I tell you what was my business approach? That was a stupid business approach. Yeah, I think we're good here. I'm just going to keep looking at it. So my business approach, because I want to get involved with disc golf in a way to kind of help the sport. I want to take what I can. For the DGLO, I just went out.

Just hung out. I was like if you want to take pictures come out. Let's watch disc golf So I didn't get paid for it, but we just hung out and so I played a little bit people could pay for charity to come play with me and And the pros I was playing with and so um Oh, so here's my business model. Okay, so I watch a guy like this guy or Simon Lizotte's also a gangster He he would take insane approach shots. So everyone else was going through things. Mm-hmm. Simon Lizotte would be like, oh

He's like a German kid. He's like, I'm going to go over that water tower and just be like, and make a crit and have these insane shots. That's what's fun for me. I'm watching disc golf. Like no one wants to watch someone fucking lay up. Like no one wants to watch here. And then there, here we go. Um, in my opinion, I, or at least I don't, I don't give a fuck. I was going to take whatever the pot is.

for the tournament, like whatever the prize money is, and pay a kid like AB or Simon Lozako, yo, I want to sponsor you. I need you to wear my shit, but I just want you to throw fucking nukes all day. I don't want you to try to win this tournament. I want you to make it fun as fucking shit. Throw fucking bombs, crazy approach shots. I want to see, they can throw a disc. They were saying, I forget who, I think they were saying AB can throw a disc, where he throws it upside down. Upside down it goes like this, and

And then goes like that. I go, yeah, fucking crazy nut shots. That's what I want to see too. That's all I want to see. Yeah. Next time I'm in Austin. Is there a place to play there? Dude, you live in the – you possibly live in the capital of disc golf. Really? Texas is the heart of disc golf. And Austin, number one. Dude, a long time ago there used to be a show on MTV with –

Fuck, never mind. Let's change subjects. Shout out to Phillip Lee. I went to Sushi by Scratch the other night. Jesus Christ, it's so fucking good. Was this the guy out of Austin? Yes. Wait, what is this? It's so good. He does this like fixed menu omakase sushi, but it's not like a piece of salmon that you get at a regular... It's all...

elevated and it was sushi by scratch yeah it's so that's it right there exactly yeah were you in Seattle no no I was here he did a pop-up here like just a temporary run it's so fucking amazing it's so good and they put like the like see the board behind him it has the in the middle there yeah yeah that's the what you're gonna have so it's all written out but but it's not the pieces that you're used to having I'm saying

it's not the tuna you would normally get. It's all like a different version of tuna.

His version. And it's just so unbelievable. I cannot recommend it enough. It's in a bunch of cities now. So if you look at what they have, I cannot recommend it enough. I think they're in Chicago, Seattle, Miami, Montecito, Austin. There's a few. I think they opened Montreal. I cannot recommend it enough. Sushi or Steakhouse. Meaning, meaning, perfect.

for the money. So we're going to go in, we're going to, it's a baller night. It's me, you, uh, your agent and my agent, right? Yeah. Like just like a night where like, you know, like, I don't know. It's a business night. I would say Rogan, you know, let's do it that way. Okay. Um,

You're going to pay, let's say, with drinks and everything, it's a $5,000 bill. God damn. For the four of us? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But now, here's the deal. For $5,000, do you want a steakhouse at $5,000 or sushi at $5,000? Sushi. Yeah, right? Yeah. Okay. Now, here's the question. You're taking those people out to eat. Where would you want to go, sushi or steakhouse? Sushi.

Because like for men, I feel like taking men to sushi is kind of like inviting them into bed with you. If you take a man to dinner, you have to take him to Steakhouse so you both know nothing's happening.

That's not at all how it goes. If you're like, you want to get sushi, the guy's like, okay. All right, what are we doing? Yeah. I mean, I love steak, but I also feel like the older I've gotten, like I used to just be like, how big can a steak be? And I'd just be like, oh, do you have a 34-ounce steak? Yeah. Let me order that. Oh, yeah. Rib-eyes. I'm into rib-eyes, hardcore now. Of course. But then...

Now I get smaller cuts and I just try to get like good quality stuff. But I also feel like there's that thing where, I mean, there's some nights, look, I really want a steak, but a lot of times you're just like, this is just, it is the same bite over and over. It's delicious. Yeah.

But it's the same bite. Whoa, whoa. You are fucking me up. And then sushi is like so much variety. All the fish tastes different. It's the same bite over and over. And if you have a 20-ounce steak, you're having that bite like 100 times. That is insane. It's true, right? It's the same bite. It is. It's like being married. Are you going to just fucking want to be with the same old bag forever? Mm-hmm. Right?

You want a little Taylor Swift in there. That's what sushi is.

It's the same bite. But those fish are all different. I mean, salmon and yellowtail and sea bream, scallops, they all taste different. I'm so on it. I'm not going to fuck with sushi while I'm keto because I have to go rice. Oh, right. You don't like that. Well, I can do, I don't get full off sashimi. Yeah. Like I eat it, but I don't get full off of it. A steak, oh, I get full off of it. Yeah, satiated. I think also there's more fat. If you're eating a ribeye, it's more satiating that way because the fat satiates. I cooked a beef.

Cowboy spawning cowboy cut about two inches thick from Snake River the other day yesterday Yesterday before the concert have you had by the way? Have you had Piedmont steaks? No, nope googling it right now Piedmont steaks. What is this? What is this a website? I mean that this is not a sponsor There is Snake River neither is the fucking Fan duel or whoever the fuck we go with those these Piedmont ones I went when I was there

to their place in, I think in Nebraska or wherever it was. And then they sent me some. Holy shit. Their fucking hot dogs are unbelievable. Dude, you spell it weird. It's Piedmont says. Piedmont. Right there. It's in front of you. Hang on. Are you spelling it right, Halston? How did you? Oh, yeah. That's what I just said. Piedmont says.

Sponsor. Okay, I'm on it. What did you buy? Dude, you got to get... Everything there is amazing. Shop by category. You got to get some steaks, get their ground beef, and you have to try their hot dogs. I'm serious. Their hot dogs? You have to try them. Dude, this makes my dick hard because this is all in my diet. See, this is what's beautiful about keto is it's all in my fucking diet. Get their... I'm getting it. I'm getting it. Get steak, get their ground beef. Traditional beef bratwurst or straight up hot dogs?

Get their hot dogs? Grass-fed all hot dogs. Yeah, get that. Done. And you have to get some steaks. $24 for 16 hot dogs? That's fucking... I'm in. It's so good. I'm in. I just added it to my cart. Then you got to get some steaks, though, too. I'm definitely getting steaks. Are you kidding me? Okay. All right. Hold on. Let's go. We're getting ready to wrap this up. Let's find out if people would buy a two-day pass. Okay. What'd they say?

Fucking 95% is yes. Seriously? Yeah. You want to do that? Let's do it. Let's do it. You do the hits one night? Let's do... God damn it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. What? I know you know what I'm thinking. No. Yeah. You know... Tom, it's a fucking 95%. Let's do it. All right, let's talk about it. Let's do it. Night after night.

Come on, let's do it. Let's do it. You have to bill it, though. Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, oh. Fuck yes. Fuck yes. The hits, the new stuff. Do you do new stuff first night or second night? Second night. Hold on. Think about Metallica. So having seen what I saw, I'm super excited about for Sunday. So wait. So do you recommend new stuff first night? New stuff first night. Hits second night. Second night. Hits second night. Okay. Okay.

How do you work out your hits set? Fucking, we post it on socials, all our fucking bits. People just fucking vote for their favorite bits, and we just go, that's it, that's our set list. It'd be pretty fun to do the hits. It would be so fun to do the hits, to do the hits, and then I'll come up and tell one of my favorite jokes of yours, and then you can tell the machine. I'll be like, when I was 22, I got involved.

With the Armenian mafia. All right. So I'm getting this steak. Okay. I'm getting fucking. What did we learn today? This is what, this is a recap of the show.

We should start doing that. Oh, today on Two Bears, One Cave, we found out Tom and I will be betting whatever a sponsor gives us to do reads for a betting website. On every Monday Night Football game. On every Monday Night Football game. We'll be betting the entire capacity. We learned that Tom wants to blow loads in Taylor Swift, along with many other women. And they're not getting pregnant. And we also learned that $24 for 16 hot dogs is a deal if you know how to make hot dogs. I'm telling you, Tom.

You're going to call me and be like, oh my fucking God, I cannot believe this is a hot dog. It's that good. I've...

Is your mouth watering? Yep. And we need to end because I have to go eat now. Okay. I have to eat. I'm literally like fucking panicked. Okay. All right. Great episode. Great episode. I love you. Love you too.