Sober Bert | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 201
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This week on Two Bears One Cave Do I look drunk right now? Change that for 20, Rick! Here we go. This is your place, woman. Make me kush-kush. Or whatever. Because someone's gonna do like just... Ah, fuck! It was the chair. Scared the shit out of me. I was in the chair. Sincerely, let me kill this so I can get rid of these fucking tears. 100% scared.

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Welcome to the show. I'm a baby, please. So. What an aggressive fucking language. It's super aggressive. Really, right? Yeah. Like, what do you think? You think what's more aggressive to hear? Just as like a. Arabic. No, no, no, no, no. Me and you are natives. On the soil. Okay. On our native soil. We are in loincloths.

Our beautiful wives are behind us. Our skins are olive brown. - Wait, describe our wives in this scenario. - Oh, bro. - They're not the ones we have, right? - Don't worry, I wasn't giving us those ones. Your wife has black locks of hair that look like they've had a conditioner in them, but it's just the way the salt dries in her hair. She's beautiful, very small nose, big lips,

bright green eyes. - Whoa. - Her tits are perfect, not too big, not too big. - Big fat ass. - But just perfect. And she's got a big ass. My wife's my height, she's as tall as me. Her hair is jet black straight and it's hanging covering her breasts and they're a little bigger than they should be.

And later in life, they'll get hanging low. But right now, they're perfect. They don't speak English? We don't either. Okay, great. We all speak our thing. And our language is a beautiful tongue. It's like this. That's how we talk, right? Now we see a boat full of different people coming at us. Yeah. Let's rank this.

Let's rank the scariest languages to hear coming at us, okay? Because if it's a boat full of Germans, it's like... Or Japanese people... And now, okay. Now... Yeah, okay.

Or the most popular one was either white or Spanish. So give me some aggressive Spanish. That's nice to meet you. My name's Tom. And what? Japanese. Oh, okay. We're supposed to speak the real language. I'm making them up. Well, yeah, I knew that. I wasn't like, oh, Bert just fucking spit out some top tier German.

So I was sharing the fucking one of the six things I can say in Japanese. Okay, okay, okay. Suji! No, but, yeah, that is... Okay, that's it. Isn't it crazy, too, that that's how they say it? Yeah. You can actually go to Japan and go, Suji! And they'll be like, I know what he wants. Samura! Yeah.

And then, okay, and then English and Spanish were two of the most popular ones. Yeah, but for a grass, because like Spanish and English. That's what I'm saying though. That's why the Spaniards were allowed to run amok. Okay, so they're saying all that. Okay.

All right, and then I'll do... That was very homophobic. I just want to apologize. Okay. It was just an example of a conquistador showing up. Okay, I'll do James Cook. Okay? All right, boys. Looks like we can take these two and fuck the women. I'll take the one on the left. You take the one on the right. No one with chlamydia gets off the boat. Okay?

And so those are the voices you hear. And then you have to do... No, the Jews didn't conquer anybody. That was not Hebrew. What was that? Oh, Muslim. Well, Arabic. Arabic, yeah. I don't think they conquered anyone either. Arabs? Yeah, they were really docile.

No. No, as a matter of fact, as a matter of fact, check it out, Google it. The Muslims and Arabs got conquered by the Portuguese. But the Arabs went into Spain and they actually completely dominated Spain for a couple hundred years. But that was by foot. What? Into Central Asia and Africa, invading the countries they passed. How about Arabs conquering Spain? Because that is...

Okay. I'll take Arabs. I'll take Arabs. In seven years, they conquered them. The Iberian Peninsula. That's that entire. Yeah, but look when fucking. Oh, 7-11. Wow. Yeah, and when did the Muslim rule declined? Oh, wow. They did it for a while. Yeah.

They've been doing this for a long time. 700 years. I thought, man, I want to apologize to all the Muslims. I thought you guys were the victims. I mean, swear to God. I swear to God. I thought, I thought, I'm being dead serious right now. I thought Muslims was a docile group of people that lived on the coast of Africa and they were chill as fuck and they saw boats and they were like, hey, over here. Have you talked to a fucking jaybird about that in a while? Those. We're getting into creepy territory. Time for...

How do you do this? I don't know. Are you thinking it's going to, like a button? It's a bell. Oh, I thought you were just like waiting for it to go. Jews for 100. Okay. How much booze is in this, Ryan? It's a bell, right? I don't know. Jews for 100. I'll take Muslims for 20, Rick.

Okay, which group of people? Wait, which would you be the most terrified to hear of those? Germans. Germans or Japanese are my two scariest. Like the way the language comes out when they're angry or panicky. It's super aggressive. Super aggressive. Also, there's something about, I mean, not like we understand any of the other languages, but something about being like, you have really no, like it's so aggressive and you have no fucking idea. No fucking idea. And it happens. It's how everything's happening quick around you. And then you said, we said to our wives, don't do it.

And that means get to the trees. Get to the trees. Get to the trees. Tell the others, white men come and they bring pesticides. Pesticides? Not pesticides. You know what I mean. We're not going to be able to grow crops. I'll take smallpox for 100. Viruses? Viruses. Hey, guys. Two bears, one cave. Bert Kreiser here. We're going to have a drink. And for all you internet sleuths who think Joe Rogan's talking about me in that fucking clip.

No, it's not me, you motherfuckers. He's got a clip out there that he's like, I drank with a friend and it got sad. And I just was like, I couldn't even look at him the same way. And everyone's in the comments is like, it's Burt. It's Burt. Yeah. Do you think Joe Rogan has ever bit his tongue to talk about my lifestyle and mention my name? No.

Do you think Joe Rogan has ever been like, I have a friend who's fat as fucking shit and says he can do everything. I'm not going to tell you what his name is. It's not me. And for the record, I know that because Joe called me. Wait, you are the guy in the second scenario. Okay. But, but in the one, the first scenario, the day it happened, he called me personally and was like, Hey man, we need to have a talk. And he talked about that person. We're both friends with that person. And so is, is,

It bummed me out because I started getting it sent to me, and I was like, oh, yeah, I'm worried about it too. And then they're like, wait, it's not me. Like, I'm fucking, do I look drunk right now? Change that for 20, Rick. Here we go. All right. Let's have a little tequila. Tequila's nice. It does ring. Yeah, it does. You got that right. I guess we'll have a little tequila. The littlest amount of tequila there is. Oh.

Because we're not drinking today. This one has more. It has less. And this one's... No, this one has more. Yeah, but that's not enough for the thing. What's the thing? What are we going to have a fucking... Why don't you kill that real quick? Tom? Yeah? It's killed. Okay, but have a sip. No, because here's the deal. I don't want to put the head of my dick in and not fuck, okay? We either fuck or we fuck. Fuck.

If I just get the head of my dick wet and then you're like, you know what? I have a boyfriend and I shouldn't be doing this without a condom and we don't have a condom. And you're like, oh, okay. Okay. Well, guess what? I'm going to come anyway. Can someone please find something to drink in this fucking dry goddamn Christian fucking county of yours? That's plenty for you. What do you think? Blow me up. Oh, that was fucking really good. What's the sugar level? You're killing this, Ryan. There. Come on. That's a fucking drink. Whatever. Whatever.

Yeah, that was crazy. It's crazy when internet sleuths think they've done the math. Yeah. I know who he's talking about. Oh, you know what the funniest one? I have to say this. And I'm not going to say what it is. But when I had Huberman on. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Huberman, I meant to talk about him last night. Keep going. No, he's so great. Oh, that's not what I'm going to say. I'm joking. Okay, we cut out a joke.

And I got so many people be like, I know what the joke is. I'm like, really? And can I tell you that not one person has even come into the fucking stratosphere of what the joke was? And then I see people go like, oh, that's like I saw comments or like, yep, that's definitely what I'm like. Oh, but they just assume.

that they know and i'm like oh thankfully nobody actually knows i i've done that i've done that too yeah where you listen i listen to podcasts yeah but i the my lucky thing is i know all of them so i'll be like hit them up who the fuck are you talking about and they're like oh it's not who it's never who you think it's always yeah no it's never who you think we used to so on um so on my podcast anytime i said the name neil brennan i bleeped out his name

I just bleeped out his name. Why? Just for fun. Oh. Just for fucking shits and giggles to make me giggle. Yeah. So I just bleep out his name. Anytime I say Neil Brennan. And we have one episode where we were, I think somehow the, someone, oh, Sypha Sound said the N word.

But he can because he's fucking in hip-hop. He's part of the culture. And he said the N-word, but like he would casually. Good to know. And so... No, but you can say that you're Puerto Rican and Dominican. And there's certain rules, I guess. I don't know. I don't say it. And so...

So he says it, and I said, bleep it out. And then Big J goes, oh, did he say Neil Brennan? And then we bleeped that out. And then there was an overlap of people didn't know when we were saying the... They thought we were saying the N-word when we were just using Neil Brennan's name as the N-word. Right, and we...

Already established that you say the N-word when there's nobody around. No, no, no. That's not the fucking truth. When there's nobody around, yes. When there's nobody around. Like in my car if I'm singing. In the shower. Not in the shower. I love it when I'm cleaning up. In the shower? Wait, how would I?

in the shower. Just, you know, today's going to be a great day. There's not going to be. But there was an overlap where it was, where they started saying Neil Brennan's name instead, where it would be confusing of whether or not they were saying they were bleeped out. It was very funny, but I had to go to Neil Brennan and be like, yo, just so you know, we're saying your name throughout this episode. And so I lost my little fun game where I got the same. I said, I've been saying Neil Brennan's name.

Bleeping it out for nine years now. Are you being serious? Yeah, it's my it's like what do you think he must have thought was fun He never knew it was him cuz you know, of course, but he liked it. He laughed he laughs hysterically He was like shut up, but it was so big J was so good at he's such a good improver Yeah, Jay looks fucking good. He is it but that's why he's also like the best crowd work guy I've ever seen he is he is so fucking quick. Yeah, I love what nothing

I love I was in love with big J. Really? He's in love with big J I'm gonna tell this story. Hopefully big J is cool with it So Isla is in love with big J and she says does he have a girlfriend and I said I said, yeah, he does Christine. She's awesome. Yeah, she goes cool. She looks at me real serious She goes does he cheat and I go no and then Leanne says very casually what I think he's in an open relationship I go I don't know that I go they maybe I don't know that and I was what's an open relationship and I go that's when I

they know you can hook up with other people, and so they let you hook up with whoever you want. But usually it's together, like when you're a team, but I don't know, it's really confusing. Mom and I aren't in an open relationship, and I go, and I can't say that for Big J, so I don't know, but yeah, he's got a girlfriend, Christine. Isla loves Big J, so Big J calls me the other day.

he's like what's up i said nothing i said just so you know isla was just she was just talking about him because slipknot was coming on cory taylor was coming on my podcast and isla got hooked up with cory through big j she was so excited and she goes let me talk to him let me talk to him so i grabbed the phone i give her time and isla goes what's up mr open relationship and christine is with him and she goes how many people did you fuck on the road and

And Jay goes, nobody, nobody, nobody. I grabbed the phone. I go, I'm so sorry, Jay. I'm so sorry. Ida goes, was I not supposed to say that? And I go, no, that was mom guessing he was in an open relationship because he's on Legion of Skanks and she thinks all of them are fucking dogs. Yeah. And also the cute thing about that is that she's saying that in a way to be like, right? Like maybe me one day. No, no, no, no. She does. She's flirting. She dresses. That was flirting. Right.

come on this is not that kid this is not that kid but she does dress identically to big j yeah thank you what is that this is this one here's the problem with vodkas these days what's that i don't know

I don't like, I like, I'm not, I'm not shitting on this vodka and I'm, I'm sorry if I, if you, that's a, not a cool thing for me to do. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is a cool vodka. That's not cool. Uh, I like all vodkas. I like all booze, but like certain bottles welcome me, you know? Yeah. I think I'm fucking breaking that now.

But like, I don't know. I don't know. The Jewel of Russia Ultra. It's a great vodka. We'll try it out. Yeah, I don't know. I shouldn't say shit. What's the other one? Casa or no? Casa Donkeys. Okay, this name is too long. You're one of the people. What does that say? How would you yell that to the top of Machu Picchu? I don't know. Zola's...

What? Is it racist if I tell the race that I'm talking to what I don't like about their race? No. Okay. Here's what I hate about Peruvians. Okay. Do you know you guys lost Machu Picchu twice? Mom, Dad, you should shop Amazon for back to school and save some money. See, I'm currently obsessed with superheroes and need all the superhero stuff. Superhero lunchbox, superhero backpack.

but next year it'll be something else. Maybe dinosaurs? I don't know. I'm not a fortune teller. But I can tell you not to spend a fortune and shop low prices for school on Amazon. Okay, good chat. Amazon, spend less, smile more. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else.

I think they mean us. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Only on Peacock. Twice? Like, possibly three times.

You know you lost Machu Picchu, right? I know about how when... Because you guys didn't do the fucking gardening, you lost Machu Picchu. I don't know that that's the correct... It's true. It's true. I don't know when... It's true. When Pizarro came. The fucking white guy. The Spaniard, yeah. Yeah, finally... Like, here's the problem with Machu Picchu. That was wild because they...

Killed like 80,000 Incas with like 80 people. Yeah, that crazy. Well, you know, it's cool about Machu Picchu So like when the Spaniards first tried to fucking kill the Incas or whatever the all the Incas ran up to Machu Picchu and hit and got up there and it was the Altitude was so high you could they couldn't the Spaniards couldn't acclimate. Yeah, so they were just like fuck what do we do? And so they just left him alone. Here's what's crazy that whole colony dies the whole group of people die up in Machu Picchu and then shrubs

grow over the steps they made to get to Machu Picchu. Shrubs grow over. One day, farmer, probably like, I'm gonna guess 1920, maybe not 1920. One day, a farmer is doing his yard work, right, cleaning up his hedges, and he sees a set of steps, right? And he's like, what the fuck are these? What year are we talking about? What year was Machu Picchu discovered?

It was recently. It was like, I'm going to say 1890. 1890. Yeah, it was recently. Founded 1450. That sounds... Okay, I'll take it. Wait, when did Pissarro arrive? That had to have been the 1500s, right? Francisco Pissarro lands or goes there? Or the Spaniards, the fucking...

- What's the, in the step, well anyway, let me finish my story. - When do the Spicks get there? - So here's the story. - Jesus Christ. - So he's cleaning up bushes and he finds a set of steps, right?

But you're talking about this is well after the conquest or no? Oh, well, this is well after. Oh, okay, okay. This is when they rediscovered Machu Picchu. Wasn't that an English guy that did that? It was an English guy that did it, but a Peruvian dude is cleaning up the bushes. That's not...

what I'm talking about. They lose Machu Picchu. Machu Picchu disappears. No one finds it, knows anything about it. And then one day, Proving Dude's doing his yard work and he finds a set of steps on his land. And then he starts walking up them and he's like, fuck, it takes him to Machu Picchu. And he's like, fuck, that's crazy. Goes back down and doesn't tell anyone about it. Really? Just goes, that's crazy. It's in my backyard. Wow, that's wild, right? Maybe tells like 10 people at a bar. And he's like, hey, you're never going to believe what I found-o. And so...

And so then white dude shows up and is like, hey, what's cool about this place? And they're in that same bar. And the guy's like, hey, did I ever tell you about those steps? Everyone's like, what steps? He's like, the steps to Machu Picchu. And they're like, huh? Then the white dude comes up, climbs up it. By the way, I don't even think he goes up to the top. He just goes up halfway. And he's like, dude, this is cool as fuck.

right just goes to see the walls he's like wow walls that's crazy i'm gonna do a couple drawings go home and tell everyone about it then it gets lost again then they come back one guy climbs the top it's like what the fuck is this it is a what the fuck experience i've never been i want to go so bad now now that i've said all this about peruvians i'll go in with disguise but i want to go so bad yeah i've been three times and it's really fucking every time you're like what's the altitude

I don't remember. I know that when you get to Cusco, which is like where you take a train from there to the bottom of Machu Picchu and you go up, that's also... They always recommend a day at least of acclimation. Yeah, it's 8,000 feet. It's a lot. It's a lot. That's like... Yeah, but look... It's like Red Rocks, October 4th. Cusco...

is at over 10,000 feet. So that's what you do is you get to Cusco and you get like headaches. Cusco, that's like the day after my show at Red Rocks, I'll be in Vail at 10,000 feet. Is that 10,000 feet? Yeah, Vail's at 10,000. Is it really? I'm doing Vail with Scythe Sounds.

Really? We were doing it together, yeah. I was going to bring Big J and Dan Soder because they were doing Red Rocks with me, but I just, I don't know. I thought it was cool. Cypher's a great fucking hang. Yeah. Oh my God. I didn't even tell you about fucking. Okay, put a pin in it. No, no, no, no. Let's finish this and then remind me to tell you about Jazz Fest. Okay. I want to tell you about Jazz Fest so bad. Okay, okay. So the. So when you knew the first time you went to Machu Picchu. I'm fascinated by Machu Picchu. They lost it three fucking times. First time I went, I was probably like 14. Yeah.

And I was like, I mean, it is, it is jaw-dropping. There's a fucking, that's up in the mountains, man. It's like a city up in the mountains. And it's, and it's more elaborate than you can put in this photo. And you, you really do go like, your whole thing is how did something like this get built up here? This tastes so, there's sugar in this. It's good?

This is a tequila. Tequila. I don't know. It's really good. I thought there was no sugar in tequila. It tastes sweet. It tastes really good. Um, it is epic dude. And then on a, on a clear sunny day and then you start picturing that there were people, there's this whole city operated. Like there was, people had jobs, things to do. And, and you know, how'd they get water?

There's a whole thing of also like how do you get stone? It's not like they just go, here's a rock. It's stones that fit perfectly. You can see the seam on top of this next one. And it's not like a hundred pound rock. It's a fucking 20,000 pound stone. There was no chance that there were rivers up that high and that all of a sudden like the rivers descended. I don't think so, dude. Something like that blows my mind. All right, here's what I'm going to do. You ready for this?

Yeah, what do I want to see in this world? I want to see Machu Picchu What do you want to see someone said to me the other day Andrew Schultz is playing a Dubai or Abu Dhabi? Yeah, someone was like Derek Poston was like do you want to play Abu Dhabi and I was like It doesn't it doesn't appeal to me. Maybe it's not saying I wouldn't do it Yeah, it's not like on my bucket list, especially of where to perform not certain. I'd appeal to them Yeah, you don't think so. I think that I think it would be like Larry the cable guy doing a TED talk. I

You think so? I think everyone would be like, no offense, no shade on Larry, Dan, but you know. But I think they'd be like, why didn't you just hit your kid? And you're like, you let your wife talk to you like that? Yeah. It's like, you know they did What About Raymond in Russia? Did you ever hear that? Oh. They tried to reboot What About Raymond in Russia. Everybody loves Raymond. Everybody loves, yeah, What About Raymond. No, What About Raymond. And, uh. What About Raymond? Yeah.

Wait, what were you thinking? What's the what about? What about Bob? What about Bob? And so they tried to do Everyone Loves Raymond in Russia. And in the writer's room, they'd be like... And then...

Raymond hits his wife, right? And they're like, what? He goes, why would she talk to him like this? He slaps her. He slaps her and tells her, this is your place, woman. Make me kush-kush. Or whatever. I didn't mean that. Look, you know I love Russians. I'm all over the bus. I know what the title of this one is. Bird Xenophobic. So wait, let's go. So Machu Picchu I want to see. What the fuck are you laughing at? Yeah.

I think you should stay in the States. I don't think you're going to get the call to be an ambassador.

You know who I pitched at as a TV show one time? - You, the ambassador? - Yeah, Ambassador Bert, where I go into a small country and I just set up shop and like pitch myself as an ambassador. And I just fucking introduce America to them. - I didn't know that being an ambassador, it's such a lobbying thing that people do. I didn't realize that, that when someone's, especially in the choice places,

that becomes a thing where like bigwigs, like people who are super high achievers that have like crazy careers, you know? A lot of like colonels. Yeah, but also you see like, you know, former CEOs, executives, people that were like high up in corporations. If their guy becomes president, it's like, it'd be like you and I, you know, like Joe's president and we're like,

You know, that I really feel like me in London with your best interests, like there becomes a thing where you're trying to get appointed for that. And then get, because it is. Well, we kind of got that. Joe became the biggest podcasters in the world. We all got careers.

Yeah, I mean... It's kind of crazy. We got that ambassadorship. Well, this... It happens in every generation. Chelsea did it. Chelsea became the president of comedy. And then all of a sudden, Jen Kirkman, Josh... Joe Coy. Franjola, Joe Coy. Heather McDonald. Everyone's careers just bumped. That's like the Tonight Show. Tonight Show did it. Opie and Anthony was a big one. Did you ever listen to Opie and Anthony? You know, it was a thing that I totally... I think it was just...

I don't want to say generational because I think it was geographic too. It was geographic. But it was because I went to... I didn't know I went to school, but I started with comedy with all those guys. In New York, yeah. I could really fucking... I got like every fucking... Man, Jim Norton. I have a whole thing though where I kind of like... I get like freaked out and anxious with...

associations no five people on mic like really yeah i also don't like comedic scenes like in movies or television where um where it builds to chaos in other words and people like yell and scream at each other and like that's where the the scene builds to i i when people are like that was hilarious i'm like it didn't work for me yeah it's too it's

It's like being in a room with people screaming. I want to walk out of this room. That's what I felt like watching scenes like that. It just feels like chaos always is what they get to. And I'm like, that just doesn't... And I feel like on those radio shows, when somebody goes, check this out, this is really funny, and you put it on, and you haven't heard it before, and you hear...

different voices, I'm like, this feels like too much for me. It was too much at times. I think because I knew whose voice was whose voice. Yeah, that probably was a thing. I was like, oh, that's Ben Bailey. Oh, that's Rich Voss. Oh, that's... Like, I knew those voices intimately. I also say that I didn't really get... To be fair, I sound like I gave it a fair chance. Yeah. I heard it probably one day, and then I just, you know... Howard, I'll tell you what, I was a fan. I was always a fan of Howard. I liked...

I don't like I know that everyone's shitting on him cuz he's like woke now. I don't really care that he's I don't listen to I'm not gonna listen to any grown man's politics and they let it affect me at all You can go suck a dick if you think you're gonna influence me. I'm fucking 50 years old I'll make my own fucking decisions suck a dick about everything That's what that's what blows me away is when people are like, okay. I don't like Howard's politics I don't give a fuck does he do a good interview with fucking Dave Grohl? Yeah, that's all I care about like I like I like

I like a cool, and Howard is probably one of the best interviewers there is, in my opinion. He's a great interviewer. I'll tell you, Joe, I'll tell you for real, Joe Rogan is, in my opinion, pound for pound,

an amazing interview, like with, with those people, I think with comics, he's, it's a different show, but when he has like someone like, like, uh, like, uh, the Stamets, the guy with mushrooms or, or like, or like fucking Elon Musk or fucking Rick Rubin or any of those interviews, Rogan's fucking legit pound for pound my favorite interview to listen to. Howard though is a legend. His interviews were so fucking thoughtful.

I don't know if he's, is he still doing like the radio show? I don't. Yeah, I think so. And I, and I, and I think the, cause I don't listen to anything anymore. Like I used to, I used to, I'm saying I used to get in the car and turn that on, but I do see like everything I hear. I see clips. Yeah. And, um, I do like watching him interview. That was the mistake he made is that he didn't put his shit on YouTube.

He should have put his shit on YouTube. I think it would have kept the stock up. It's a paywall show, though, right? If they gave it away on YouTube. Yeah, but Opie and Anthony just posted it on YouTube. They did? Yeah. By the way, they are responsible for some of the worst interviews I've ever heard in my fucking life that were some of the most entertaining interviews I've ever heard in my fucking life. When they would fucking bring someone on and just openly trash them to their face. To their face? Yeah.

It's something you would love so much. - Really? - It's so your sense of humor. Jim Norton would be like, so, they'd be on the phone with someone and he'd be like, "So we're reading your book and it's really great." And he'd just be ripping up the book on the thing in front of the lady. And it would be, it was, I mean, by the way,

So cringy, but like you could not stop listening. Yeah. They did an interview with fucking Bernard Getz, the subway shooter, Bernie Getz. Guy shot fucking three black kids in the back. On a subway? On a subway in the 80s. They interviewed him? They interviewed him. And then they like pretended to break one of his tapes and he went. Was he in studio? Yeah.

Yeah, he was in fucking studio. Jesus. This is a guy, and he was almost telling them where he buried the gun. Dude, they would do, but it was like, but the whole point of the interview was, it was teetering on a great interview, and then they'd do something to set the person off, and then you would hear chaos in the studio. It was like the worst interview that was the greatest listen, if that makes sense. Wait, hold on. Can I give a shout out to these two dudes? Sure. Talking about great pods. So...

It's crazy. You know what you just did? What? You just interrupted yourself. For real? Yeah. You usually do it to me or whoever else is in the room, but you just did it to yourself. You're like, hold on a second, man. Hey, I want to give a shout. You were the one talking. Really? You just like stepped on yourself like, give it a second. I want to give a shout out to these. I wasn't talking. Oh.

I'm bad. Yeah. And if I drink, I'm even worse. Then you say that, uh, cause you went to the club that Joe told you that. Yeah. What do you say? Well, it was, it's more complicated than just that. Like he didn't just go, Hey, you have an interrupting problem, which is very, by the way, very Joe. Yeah. But he, we were talking about, uh,

I was with your wife and I was talking about the conversation we had yesterday and I was like, I was, and she just came up and we sort of very casually talking about it. And she was explaining you and she was like, you know, you know, no one sees this, but Tommy's a very sensitive person. And I go, I think a lot of times people see his quietness is just like, he has like resting bouncer face where you're just like,

And so she goes, no, no, no. And I said, yeah. And so we had a great talk and, and I said, you know, it's, and it's great because sometimes I don't listen very well. And Joe's off the side listening and he goes, yeah, you interrupt a lot. And I go, what? And he goes, no, it's, it's, it's fine, but it, it does become frustrating as your friend. Sometimes you'll just interrupt people and just start talking. I go, I'm working on that. And he goes, oh, it's gotten way better, but you still do it. And I said, yeah. And I go, I do it as a friend. I do it just,

I do it. I just do it. I don't even know I'm doing it. I do that. And here's the other thing I do that I hate that I do is if you tell me your story about swimming in the ocean, I have to tell you my story. Yes, you do. I can't help it. I was also going to do part two of that, which I thought you were doing. Which...

You definitely, if I go, I'm swimming in the ocean, you have to tell your story. I know, I can't help it. But you also, what I thought you were going to say is, if you tell me your story about swimming in the ocean, I have to tell my version about you swimming in the ocean. Because if we're using that as an example, if somebody walked in the room and was like, you ever swim in the ocean? You'd be like, Tommy just did. And you would tell the story that I told, but it would have all kinds of...

I did that to your wife last night. Yeah? I did that to your wife last night. What did I mean? Greg Garcia said she was doing an impression of Ellis and she was telling an Ellis story. I go, can I tell my favorite Ellis story? And she goes, what is it? And I said, two weeks. She goes, oh yeah. I go, hold on, I'll tell it. And then I told her Ellis story to Greg and it murdered

and you could see her in their eyes going, that's not exactly how that happened. I can't help it. I love the story aspect. Man, when I hear a story, I wish I could just be a thief and just take other people's bits because you tell stories sometimes that are so fucking good, but you just throw them away and you just leave it, and I see all the meat on the bone, and I go, oh, I could fucking...

Punch that up. Yeah, you just reminded me that I should tell that story more on stage. It's my favorite. I did tell, remember the one I told and then you were like, cut that out and tell that on stage? Do you remember that? When we did the Vegas live thing? Yes, yes, yes. That's my closer right now.

Like in my new stuff I'm doing? Your Ellis material is, I wish I had a fucking new kid. Yeah. You can get one. You can get one. Yeah. Yeah. Get one that's like around that age. I hope George gets pregnant soon. Good. That'd be great. Raise that baby like ours, our own. Would you take it? In a heartbeat. Yeah. I'd go, honey, no, no, no, no, no, no. You got pregnant. This shit happens.

We'll send you up to Aspen. You're going to chill for a while. Get away from the world. Get healthy. We're going to give birth. We're then going to send you back to college where mom and I will take this baby. And it never happened. It never happened. You don't have a baby. We have that baby. And then you go ahead. Live your life. You don't have a baby. We had a baby. I would love that. This tequila is too sweet. How is it so sweet? Oh, this is what I wanted to tell you.

There's a podcast, these two guys from Ireland. Their podcast isn't huge at all, but it accidentally, as I'm listening to my history podcast, their podcast came up and it was a clip of them talking about David Goggins and they were talking about how he doesn't quit and then the one guy goes, I'd quit if I don't like the song. Yeah.

And it made me laugh so hard. And I ended up listening to a bunch of their podcasts while like in really, it's a really funny podcast and they only have 8,000 followers. So check them out. It is. I will tell you this.

It reminds me a little, it's like a hot, it's a little bit like Two Bears, One Cave. It's called the Bomb Squad Pod. They're out of Ireland and they just, they made me giggle. I follow both of them. But it just, the idea, they were making fun of, they're making fun of themselves, but talking about David Goggins. And I was like, God damn it, they're fucking good. So check them out, everyone. All right. All right. So wait, I got to say in your...

Are you flexing? No, my back just froze up. This tequila is really sweet. You think the tequila is doing this? No, it's like sweet. I can taste it. I think because I'm like keto as fuck right now. So, you know what? I have to say, you said if I tell my ocean swimming story, you have to tell yours, which is a thing you don't really do. But I don't think you told your ocean swimming story. Did you? Of course I did. There's no way you're telling a story and I'm not telling my version. What was your version? I don't know. I'm sure it was identical to yours, but just a little different with Bert in it.

Did he? Yeah, I'm sure I did. I don't recall that. Okay.

I was just wondering if you had an ocean. No, no. Oh, you did. No, you did. Yeah, I used to swim in clear water. That's right. That's right. And you just swam too far out. But no, but what happens is when someone tells a story, and when I hear it, I try to connect with them. And when I connect with them, I go, oh, shit, I've been there. And then I want to share. You go, you know what happened to me? Yeah. But it's better than my fucking wife, where like you tell Leanna a story, and she'll go, uh-huh.

And then you're like, so do you have anything that's adjacent to that where we can continue talking? She's like, no, it's a good story. Did you ever swim in your lake? Uh-huh.

I said, where do you swim in the lake? Well, I swim the Alabama Channel. What the fuck? And then you got to draw it out of her. Oh. It's like, listen, there's two types of people. Why doesn't she volunteer it, you think? She wants to celebrate you and your story. It's what a real person should do, but it's also like exhausting as fuck sometimes at a dinner party where you're like, hey, I feel like I'm doing all the fucking talking. And she's like, let them talk. I'm like, they're boring as fuck. Yeah. Like, God damn it. They're fucking Scientologists. Let it go.

They're trying to fucking recruit us. Yeah, did they? No, but they made some really good points. Would you take it for a spin? Yep. Scientology? Yep. Yeah. Yep. I think I would too now. I used to mock it so much and now I'd be like, yeah, I'd take it for a ride. Dude, I believe in aliens. I mean, I don't believe in the fucking, you know, I'm not a big JC fan, so it's like, let's see what these guys got. I believe that if you play Scientology right, you get to meet JC too. Yeah? Yeah, sure. All right.

Hey, Scientology, I'm here for you. All right. Finally. What? Jazz Fest. Oh, my God. I'll say this. You know that I almost went. No, you didn't. Yeah, I did. No, because I hit you up and said, do you want to go? And you said. I meant almost that I had multiple invites. Like, you invited me. Agents called me, and they're like, you'll have all the access and blah, blah, blah. You should have gone. Well, but I was like, it's like the day before another trip. I don't, you know. It was. It was awesome, though, huh?

So Northern California, Napa at Silverado, which is absolutely gorgeous. It was absolutely gorgeous. And I got to give a shout out to Alex who set it all up for us. He's the, it's his event, him and, uh, I'm, I'm blanking on a bunch of names, all the people that own the blue note in Hawaii. You know, you ever do the blue note in Hawaii?

You probably did when you were a long time ago. Yeah. I did a long time ago. I did two shows there. Yeah, it's a club, right? Yeah, it's a club, and it's an awesome jazz club, but they do stand-up there. The Blue Notes got like a storied history with jazz. They've got one on West 3rd. Yes, I did it. They've got one on West 3rd, and they've got them all over the place. And so...

When I was a kid, I always... We had jazz festival, jazz fest in New Orleans, and you'd always see the cool dads from like your friends group. The cool dads would be at jazz fest with a cigar and a hat and a cocktail and like a guayabera, and they'd be like... They'd be like...

They never, you're like, are you here to see Dave Matthews? And they're like, no, no, no. I came to see dot, dot, dot Thelonious Monk or someone. And you didn't know anything about those names when you were a kid, but you were like, I remember going like, wow, these cool dads seem to know. And so, so we get the invite. We were supposed to go see widespread panic in Huntsville, which it was like, it was locked. I went to Montreal. We were going to find a widespread, watch widespread, fly home, do, do something's burning. Easy peasy.

And then we get this fucking call about Jazz Fest and Leigh-Anne goes, "Mary J. Blige is playing." And I'm like, "What the fuck?" She's like, "Do you know Nas?" And I'm like, "Nas?"

She's like, Nas and Talib Kweli. And I was like, Talib Kweli is there? I was like, hold on, who else is there? And she starts listing off the names. Rackham. De La Soul. The Diggable Planets. Yeah, it's a wild line. It's a fucking DJ Jazzy Jeff and Rakim. It was such a fucking insane lineup. And then she says, Dave Chappelle's hosting. Yeah. And so now here's the deal. Here's what I happen to know is that

If Dave Chappelle's there, it's where you want to be. Yeah. Wherever Dave Chappelle goes, that's where you want to be. The party follows. Yeah. Because he has a Rolodex of motherfuckers that no one gets their number, and every single one of those motherfuckers says yes to Dave on everything.

So I go, I don't hit up Dave. I just go, I take a yes to the thing. Don't even tell, I'm not going to tell Dave I'm going. Cause I don't want to be one of the fucking a hundred people that want to get into his fucking space. I, when I did, I've done a few shows with him. Like they're like, Oh, you want to go to the after party? And you know, I'm not a big, and then someone's like, you should go to the after party. Right. Cause you have to be, you have to get like a special band and,

So because it's the show, when we get to the venue, security guys just saw me at the show. So they're like, oh, good to see you, man. You're going to have a good time. You go in there. And there's music. And then you're like, oh, there's a DJ. Who's DJing? And it's Q-Tip from Trap. You're like, he's DJing the party? And then you look over here, and there's Drake and Chris Rock. And you're like, what? And they're like, oh, this is a Dave party. And there's like, at this one, 150 people. It's manageable.

We go backstage. Like, we get there, and our room's not ready. By the way, they got us a room. It was like, this was like, I texted Robert Langsford, who's a part of the festival as well. I texted him. I did not text Dave because I just don't want to bother him. I texted Alex. They got us a room.

So like the whole big festival's here, and then the condos for the place are here. They got us a room in a condo, so in like a little condominium. So we could walk backstage within two and a half minutes, front stage within two and a half. We were like in the perfect fucking spot. They took care of everything, and we get there. Our room's not ready. They're like, come on backstage. All of a sudden...

It's everyone. It's fucking everyone you've ever wanted to meet in hip-hop all just hanging out I'm just looking around I'm like, holy fucking shit and there's like I mean this is a weird humble brag But it's pertinent to the story is it almost everyone's black, but they all know who I am like they're like Bert I'm a big fan and I'm like I'm blown away cuz you know, it's not my demographic That's not what I see in my shows Yeah, and every single one of them this is the one that blew me away the hardcore cuz like I

You're of my age. De La Soul was, I watched, first of all, I watched them. Yeah. I watched them perform.

It was fucking insane. De La Soul was fucking insane. Digable Planets was fucking insane too. So I'm like, De La Soul's like, that's fucking crazy. And then I walk out of my thing and I see DJ Maceo walking through the thing and he's smoking a blunt. What I was gonna say to him casually to see like, I didn't wanna be like, yo, I'm a huge fan. I didn't wanna blow up his spot.

And there were two cops right there, and he's smoking a blunt. And he's like... It's the best. And he's got a De La Soul shirt on. And he goes, and he's smoking a blunt. And I wanted to say casually, like, hey, man, how cool is it that we... Do you know how I'm... I want to do something that connects. Yeah. But it's just going to be awkward. But I was going to say, how cool is it that we live in a world where you can smoke a blunt in front of cops and they don't give a shit, you know? How much have things changed? Because I know he's roughly my age. If I don't say anything, I'm like, just fucking let him be. And then he, like, stops and he goes...

yo, bro, I'm a huge fucking fan, and I'm like this. And he's like, dude, keep doing what you're doing. You fucking keep pushing those limits. Keep doing everything, man. You make us laugh our asses off. We fucking love you. And I was like, I'm just like...

And then I was like, I'm a fan also. That's all I said. And he just walked away. And I went into the fucking room with Leanna. I was like, shut the fuck up. If you had told me in high school that anyone, anyone in hip hop knew who I was, I would be like, shut the fuck up. It was crazy. I saw DJ Jazzy Jeff. Do you know where we saw Maceo? Where? We were together. Where? You don't remember this? No. Is that how he knows me? No. No. Where the fuck were we?

The national championship game, FSU Auburn. Wait, where do we see him there? At the game. Are you serious? Mm-hmm. Do we say hi? I believe so, yeah. Fuck me. Yeah, but you know why he was there. Oh. His son was a running back for Auburn. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Oh, that's right. I do, yeah. And then you know that I used to have like, I have his phone number. Like I used to talk to him somewhat. That's how he knows me from Two Bears, One Cave. No, no, no. I met him when I was at Feature Act.

And then this was this festival was set up for you. I wish I really do. Can I tell you one of the coolest times I've ever been associated to? Yeah, we're on the site. So we have total access. You can go on stage. You can stand on stage, which if you if you if you if you're if you're familiar with shows at that level, you don't want to be on stage. It's like the worst audio you're ever going to hear. Yeah. So we're we and I are scooting around front the entire time.

I see Mary J Blige perform? No, she was the day. She was the night before we weren't there. And so, so we, we,

get the we the one of the first shows we see together me and the ex Liam was getting shit done I was just scooting around the whole festival by myself seeing some amazing fucking acts and then Leanne would hear them and go I wanted to be there for that and I was like well he's too busy fucking doing the work yeah go check us in baby and so so but we go side stage the first one we go to together we side stage she goes who's this and I said uh Ness I said it's Talib Kweli she goes who's that I said just listen to him just listen to him I go he's like

I got introduced to him on Kanye, because I didn't know anything about Blackstar, but I did know Mos Def. But I got introduced to him on Kanye's album when he did one of his... I forget the name of the fucking track. And I fell in love with him. And then I fucking did a deep dive. I didn't even know who Mos Def was at that point. I got introduced to Mos Def when he was...

I want to kick myself in the ass, by the way, when I tell you you're going to go like, shut the fuck up. I got introduced to Mos Def through the Chappelle show. We need that freestyle in the truck. Yeah. And it was like the baddest, too deep. I mean, that's why Chappelle did that, was to introduce him to people. Dude, it was. And so we watched Talib Carly. It's fucking amazing. He's amazing. And it's all freestyle. Everything's like, everything's like, it's because it's Jazz Fest. Everything is just off the top. Everything's bringing people in. New people come in and fucking rhyme. And it was awesome. So I get off stage and I'm like.

I'm like, I got to meet Talib Quigley. I got to meet Talib Quigley. And I'm like practicing. I'm like, hey, my buddy. Are you like, sup, dog? What it do, baby? I'm like, yo, yo. He's cool. Talib's super cool. You know what my in is, right? What, me? I think you know my friend Tom Segura. Oh, is that what you said? I was going to. Oh.

I was like, "Hey, man, I want to just introduce myself." And he's like fucking knows me immediately. He's like, "Burt, what's up?" Dashed me up and I'm like,

He's like, dude, I'm a fan. I know Tom. I go, yeah, I know you know Tom. And he's like, he's my guy. Fuck. And he's like, when are we going to podcast? I was like, whenever the fuck you want. And then Leanne's like, then he walks away. And he was like, I'll see you later. I was like, I'll see you later. And Leanne's like, the guy you like knows who you are? Taleb knows you? It was Taleb. Taleb knows you? Taleb knows you? And so, but it was so fucking cool. So then, so this is the best part of it. I'm going to tell you two best parts. Okay. I'm going to tell you three best parts. So.

Nas destroyed. Nas destroyed. He looks awesome. By the way, you know that it's because of how the music business has changed so much, there's not the same level of like press and like, there's not the same like,

heat cooked up for new music that comes out anymore. Like the only time you actually like peripherally hear about new music is usually when it's like a pop star now, you know, it's like Taylor Swift is releasing something, you know, like you don't have to be a fan, but you'll hear that. It just, it permeates. Yeah. It's like, and that has to be like, because someone's going to do like, the chair, sorry, the chair. Sorry. It was the chair scared out of me. I was in the chair.

That's better. Go ahead. Okay. Fuck. Well, guys, I thought I fucking was dying. Yeah. That scared the shit out of me. Go ahead. You were saying Taylor Swift? Yeah. Well, at first it was... Does that count as an interruption? No, no. It was that I thought something bad was happening, and then in my... The second, like, microsecond thought was, like, that you broke the chair, you know? Yeah. I thought I did, too. I think I might have. Keep going. Okay. I definitely did. Keep going. Okay. So, you don't hear about this...

You don't hear about new... You know what I mean? You have to be really looking for it or connected to it. Do you know that in the last three or four years, Nas just puts out new albums...

that don't get all the same chatter. Also because the music landscape has changed. It's not like in the 90s when an album would come out. There was just no way that it wouldn't be conversations about it. And I just hear about, someone would be like, oh, you check out the new Nas album? I'm like, what? And then you get it, and it's like, these are masterful albums. And then you go, oh, you would imagine someone's just done for a while, but he is in this pocket of creativity for the last, I'm telling you,

I'm telling you, like I would say in the last three or four years, I think he's probably put out like four albums that are like re incredible out. And he just came out with one. Yeah. Someone, uh, Jeff Tate texted me. He's like, yeah, go, go to like the most recent discography though. Like it's, can you scroll up, scroll in,

Dude, he put out two in 2021. King's Disease, Magic. This is not a full discography. Wow. This is not a full discography. I have not seen it. He literally just came out. I have not seen it. I think there's two more. Go there. Where's the list? All the way down. Yeah, see?

Released July 21st. He just released one like a couple weeks ago. Yes. And then go back up again here. Yeah. Magic is December of 21st.

And then November 11 of 22. There's another one. August 21. These are albums, dude. I'm just blown away that he's just putting them out. I feel like I don't see anybody making, hey, let's draw attention to this. Chappelle puts this festival together with Alex and the guys at the Blue Note. You can see his fingerprints all over it because he is

So he does his set at 5 p.m. with Robert Glassford. I think I'm saying the name right. Who does the set? Chappelle. Chappelle comes out, fucks around, does a little, not stand up, but fucks around the way Chappelle does. Brings out, is it Robert Langsford or Glassford? Glassford.

I've been blue note festival and Robert Robert is like by the way the second I got there Robert came up greeted me He's in a fucking Lakers jersey, and he's like the kindest guy in the world He's like the you know backstage whatever you want whatever you need you come to us Robert Langsford and so he's like whatever you need we got you Robert Langsford right it doesn't need to he's a jazz legend Yeah, jazz legend so immediately like I'm watching Robert Langsford. Oh

Watch him with Leanne and it's fucking magical. I mean, and Chappelle's on there. So Chappelle's fucking around. Robert's bringing out different artists. It's really like fucking, it's like everything you'd want. Right. But I, and then, and then I see Nas. My only thing I'll say about Nas is,

He looks phenomenal. He looks like he's, I'm going to say this for real, that's how good he looks. He looks like he's got work done. Like he looks, him and Dave Matthews are the only two people I've ever seen where I went, I got to fucking clean my act up because I don't want to look old. Nas looks young. He looks young. He's got braids in. He looks great, right? How old is he? He's got to be fucking 52. He's got to be, right? He's got to be. So we go to bed that night.

The next morning, we wake up, and I hear the just fucking... I hear, like, fucking music. I hear everything. The festival's already alive. We go... By the way, my buddy Omar Dorsey's there. Alonzo Bowden's there. Like, people that are cooler there. Big-time blacks. Big-time, big-time, big-time blacks. Yeah. Yeah, Omar's, like, pretty dark. And so... Shout-out to Omar. So...

I go over with Leanne. She goes, what do you want to do? I said, let's just go explore. Because my real thing is I have so many friends that listen to the same music they've listened to their whole life. They haven't grown into listening to new bands. I told you I've been getting into this band Goose because I wanted to find new artists that I love. So I go, I want to see something I've never seen, and I want to open myself up to see if I like it. So we go over, and there is what I can only describe as like

The ultimate jazz experience I've ever seen in my life. The guy's name's Corey Henry. And he, no, I do not know who he is. I'm sober. I'm hungover. I've had a cup of coffee. I'm sober. It's hot as fuck. And he's like,

And he's on there with like eight people on stage and he puts on the best fucking show I've ever seen in my life. So overwhelming. I started crying. Like he does. I'm going to get emotional. He did this thing at the end. It's Sunday. And he goes,

Who needs the Lord in them today? It's Sunday, right? And he goes from person to person and starts like, almost like Prince, like getting their thing, like, come on. And then he gets them playing, then bass, then he goes to the drums and he starts like doing his body to them and the drum guy matches his body. Then he goes to the fucking organ and then he brings it in and he creates a song. And it's, I mean, it's like, we were crying. It is one of the, I mean, like,

Sincerely, let me kill this so I get rid of these fucking tears. It was one of the most moving experiences I've ever had. I'm going to go see him when he's in LA. He's doing a piano solo. His name is Corey Henry. I'm being sincere. If you ever get to see this guy, you do not need to know any of his catalog. He puts on, he's Stevie Wonder's favorite act.

Really? That says something. He's Stevie Wonder's favorite act. And I went up to him. Where are you going to see him do the solo? In Los Angeles. I think he's at a jazz club in Los Angeles. He's doing two nights. Soon? Yeah, in August. I think in August. What night? I don't know. Type in. Corey Henry was, I'm telling you, it was fucking magical. He was at the Paramount here in Austin. I would go see him at the Paramount tonight.

He's doing his solo piano stuff, but this guy is... Oh, the piano tour. I see it right there. The live streams and tour dates. The drop down. Yeah, right there. No, no, no. The first one. Just click the first...

Yeah, he is where's whence he in whence he in Los Angeles. I think end of August Keep scrolling keeps growing. I'll tell you keep scrolling Chicago st. Louis Nashville Boston Philadelphia Washington Denver Los Angeles talk to August 24th and 25th my land Me and Leanna go to that and we're gonna cousin Owen I can go on Thursday. You wanna go on Thursday? I can go done. I got it. Okay, he is he is fucking

Insane, I mean so talented but so what improvisational so then I'm in it right I go your list I We had his last show when he did the church thing I let a joint grabbed a tall boy and I was like I'm crying So I don't know why I get emotional these days. So then so then we go over to make sure you drink So you don't get so don't worry get rid of these fucking tears. Yeah, I

So then we go to this band called Dami and Beck. Please, thank you. D-O-M-I. And Beck. Okay, Tom. So now I feel like, I'm like, I feel cool. I feel like a cool dad because I just saw some jazz and I got it. And you're going to see this. These two motherfuckers.

They're fucking 17. They're out of Dallas, Texas, bro. The kids, their children, their children. They're really good friends with Chappelle, like legit. Cause Chappelle, Chappelle. And I'm, I'm speaking for Dave, but like, but like, uh, you know, candy man. Yeah. He came and grabbed me and he's like, you want to meet the kids? I go, yeah. He's like, they're good kids are backstage. Cause I was blown away. Uh,

Can you see if you can find a video of them playing? Because you've got to see the way they play. The drummer is a savant. A fucking savant. That's not... Oh, my God. Especially on a glanced penis. Tommy and Beck. They... Sheep is just drums and piano. Just know you've got to see them live. Drums and piano.

They are the, every hip hop artist. Who plays drums? Beck. No, who's that though? He's the guy. Okay. She plays the piano and they said to me, quote unquote, this backstage and all the artists backstage are like, yo, this is the fucking band. Every hip hop artist grabs their beats. Really? They're fucking every, they're fucking. Oh, I love NPR that does this thing, man. Oh, this, they are. The tiny desk thing? So cool. You got to just watch him play because it's, it's, it's like, it's legit jazz. Yeah.

Oh, you can play it like that? Yeah. Oh, wow. Look at this kid. She's playing bass and piano. Bass with left hand, piano with the right hand. She's from France. How old are they? 17. No, 19, I think. Dude, they fucking... This kid is the sweetest kid, right? So, listen to how quick his drums are. I'm just watching them both go...

So this is right after Corey Henry. And do they sing too? She does every now and then she'll sing. But mostly it's like the two of them together are just savants. I dig this. Their mentors introduced them to each other. All right, we should probably kill it, right, Nadav? Here, I'm putting it in my phone because I dig this. Oh, I bought their album and I got on the fucking plane and I had a cocktail and I just disappeared in my own thoughts, which is what I think jazz is supposed to make you do.

So I go up to, I take videos of all these people, right? And I post it on Instagram, you know, to try to like share them. And fucking Dami and Beck hit me up and they're like, yo, we're huge fans of yours.

I was like in my head. They're fucking 19. I'm 50 and I'm like shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up And they're like we listen to you in the in the bus in the on the in the van Our tour manager fucking loves you guys. And so I was like shut the fuck up. Really? I go backstage I meet them. They're like cool as shit. So then so now I've had the full jazz experience, right? We watch Robert Langsford at the end he kills and now Leanne and I I'm like I'm done This is where you're gonna kick me in the fucking dick

Chance rappers on I'm not the hugest chance rapper fan and I've had a very big experience and I go you know what? They're telling me, you know, we're bringing a space set backstage to say hang out with Dave and I'm like I I don't want to ruin it. I've had such a great time I want to see Dave but I'd also don't want to be the nine Ninth person that has to be like what's up Dave and he has to give a minute to I want him to have his fucking festival Yeah, so I said babe. Why don't we just go back to our room? We'll sit on the golf course I'll light a cigar glass of wine

Fucking done. So we're listening to Chance the Rapper. It's pretty cool. And all of a sudden, Dave's like, all right. And we can hear him on the fucking thing. All right. This isn't fucking over. Ladies and gentlemen, my friend, Nassim Mosdef. Oh. I'm like, fucking shut the fuck up. Yassim Bey. Yassim Bey. My friend, Yassim Bey. Yeah. And I'm like, I'm on the golf course with Deanne going, what?

Most defs on stage most fucking deaths on stage and like she's trying to kiss me I go get the fuck off me bitch most deaths on stage. I got my cigar. I go what the fuck you fuck this all up Leanne We're barefoot on the fucking driving fair god damn it most deaths on stage I go I gotta go I gotta go I gotta go I fucking throw my cigar down. She looks at me. She goes hey You can hear him from here. We had a great night. Let's listen to him on the golf course I was like apparently you've never heard black star. Yeah, I was like you never heard fucking most def and I was like fuck

So I just sat on the golf course with Leanne smoking a cigar. She was in a robe naked. And the whole time I was thinking about Mo's death. I'm just like, go fucking take a walk. I was like, fuck. And then I was like, you know, everyone else is around. And then I'm like, I bet this happens. Then the after parties were fucking crazy. Did you go? Yeah, we went. They're just crazy. They're just crazy. Like, they're fucking crazy. And I don't want to bother anyone. Ran into DJ Jazzy Jeff. That's cool. DJ Jazzy Jeff and Rakim. Rakim.

Let me tell you something. Do you know him? No, never met him. I said this to DJ Jazzy Jeff, and I know that this is an aggressive statement. He puts a big dick back in rap. When Rakim raps, he don't fuck around. There's no friendly shit. It's not even talking about...

It's not like... You should have been like, you know what I love about you, man? You do very friendly rap and see how he... He comes out... Dude, he gets... This is how Rakim rolls. Ready? DJ Jazzy puts on... You forget how masterful a DJ he is. Yeah, yeah. I went up to him. I said, yo...

Philly. I'm in Philly, November 28th. And he goes, what? I said, I want you to open for me. He was like, huh? I said, I'm doing the arena in Philly, November 28th. I think the 29th round Thanksgiving. He goes, I'm local. I said, just, I'm sending an offer. He goes, you don't know what my quote is. I go, it doesn't matter. I'm sending you a fucking offer. And I was like, it does matter. Definitely does. I texted my team. I was like, the quote matters. I can't afford a lot. Yeah. But

But I was like, dude, what a fucking show at Philly. You got DJ Jazzy Jeff. It's crazy. Because you know what he did to open it? He goes, this is the 50th year of rap, of the culture. Let's do a fucking, let's reminisce for a second. And he goes through and plays 50 years of rap in five minutes. And the fucking place is going next.

And then he goes, ladies and gentlemen, and you see a car door open behind stage. Rakim comes out of a car door with a mic in his hand. Rakim. And he just comes up and he goes, I ain't no joke. And you're like, oh, the big dick showed up. It was so fucking sick. Rakim did not fuck around. It was, dude, you suck.

I mean, I love my wife, but I wish you had been there. Like, she didn't get it. She's like, who is he? And I was like, oh, fuck. Is it Rackham? Dude, when he did Check the Technique. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or Don't Sweat the Technique. Don't Sweat the Technique. Fucking, dude, you missed a Tom Segura show. Now, that would have been so fucking fun. I knew it was going to be awesome. I knew what the lineup was and everything.

My, you know, Andrew texted me and he was like, I think you would love this. Dude. I was like, yeah, I would love that. Fucking DJ Jazzy Jeff, Philadelphia at the arena Thanksgiving. Yeah, it's awesome. Opening the fucking show. And let me tell you something. I will not be backstage. I will be in front. Hopefully Will Smith will show up.

That could be cool. - That'd be badass. - The best thing I ever did was reach out to Premo to have him open those shows for me. And it's like, it's my favorite memories. - DJ Premier. - Yeah. - So who's, you have DJ Trauma,

Yeah. DJ Premier. These are like the legit legendary DJs. DJ Jazzy Jeff. I met a young man who's Dave's DJ who is a white dude. Do you know who I'm talking about? No, because Trauma does a ton of those dates. When Trauma can't do them, I met him. And I went up and introduced myself to him because he was watching Rakim. And he knew the coolest thing Rakim would do is he'd do his rhyme and then go...

And you hear fucking 5,000 people just go with him. Dude, it was like an emotional weekend for me. Yeah, that's cool. I'm definitely going to bring... I'm going next year. I'm going next year. I'm going to bring DJs to a lot of my gigs. You want to go next year? Let's commit right now. Yeah, I'll go. Blue Note Jazz Festival. In July, right? Yeah. How about this? How about this? Shout out to... I don't know if Dave will hear this, but Alex will hear this. Okay. Next year. We'll go. Not like Dave will host an hour every day. Let's host...

who we want to be with on stage. Like let's say like, we would like, 'cause here's the deal. - Curate our own show? - Yeah, I mean this, but like here's the thing about these events, and I learned it with Fully Loaded. And I mean this respectfully.

I can load it up with everyone, but not everyone is going to promote because they've got their own fucking shit going on. So when it comes to fully loaded, I promote. I promote it. I'm the promoter. I get it. I don't mind. I'll pay everyone what they want. I understand that it lands on my back.

to promote that thing. If I don't promote it, no one's gonna, if you, it's what happened with Oddball that last year. They didn't have a Dave or an Amy or a, you know? It's hard, you need that name that people go, oh, that's gonna be fun. Now here's the thing we'd be offering is like,

We are fans of hip hop. We are fans of music. And we do have a bunch of fans that would be like, oh, I wouldn't mind to see what. So it might help add tickets. And we don't we don't need money from this. We want to just go to it due to the experience. And so we'll take like one like three o'clock hour, just one like on Saturday and we'll promote it.

to help get people there. We'll bring like our fans and we'll pick our artists and then they get the money from the blue note. We don't need the money. We'll just go to have fun and it'll be fun as fucking shit. And I'm telling you, the coolest thing is seeing artists. You've never seen it. It blew me. I'm all about discovering new shit. I don't want to get old. I don't want to fucking be this old guy that only listens to like,

Fucking Leonard Skinner. Okay. Well, I think you're doing a good job. I'm in a fucking place right now. Can you feel it? There's some stuff going on. Yeah. Yeah. I go sober tomorrow. You go sober tomorrow for a stretch? Like five days. Why'd you pick that? Not five days. It's actually, I'll tell you exactly how long it's going to be. I'm going sober for 23 days.

Oh, that's not five days. No, no, 23 days is the next something's burning. I got a drink on something's burning. If someone wants to have a drink with me. Why are you picking, like, what happens tomorrow that you're going for 23? Why? I just, I've, honestly, I got all those, I mean this heartfelt when we started this, the sleuths who were like, he's talking about Bert. And I read the comments and they weren't hurtful.

They were like people concerned and I was like if that's how people are seeing me Yeah, that's how I want to be seen I want to be seen like Nas like lot Nas looked great Like I want to be seen like Dave Matthews He looked great when I saw him and I was like and I have gained weight and I know my face looks bigger I got a lot. I got a lot a lot

of messages of concern about you. Yeah. Over that your festival. Yeah. Yeah. I look, I mean, I was like people and it was, it wasn't just jokes. Like it was people being like, Hey, I mean, those don't bother me. I understand that. You know, I, it's, it's tough to live my life. It really is tough to live my life. It doesn't stop. And I don't get times off, but I have time the next 23 days off of,

- That's good. - Where I don't have to drink. I mean, like, when we do something that's burning, if someone wants to have a cocktail, I'll have a cocktail. And so maybe in those episodes they don't drink, so I won't drink, but I'm gonna start tomorrow. - So then it is because you're like, oh, people are concerned. - It's not my drinking, it's my weight. It's like no one's seeing me blackout drunk. That's not happening. But they are seeing me fat as fucking shit. Like fat, like my face is fat, my stomach's fat,

I'm in pretty physically good. I just did 50 pushups. - Yeah. - Again, I mean, I'm not unhealthy, but I'm fat as fucking shit. I'm the fattest I've ever fucking been. I'm the fattest I've ever been. - So you realize then that the,

That eating definitely is attached, tied to the drinking, right? Because when anybody drinks... Yeah. Oh, yeah. Actually, I can eat good. I've eaten perfect for three days now. It's pretty strict. I just eat salmon. I just eat salmon. And I've drank, and it doesn't bother me. I don't need to eat when I drink. But if you're in a drink, like we're drinking, usually...

Thought being thoughtful about food goes away. No, not not for me really enough. Yeah, but we're on tour probably yes But not you know, once I got acid reflux that stopped what's happening is it's just a bunch of empty calories at the end of the night Yeah, it's a couple beers. It's a couple fucking tequilas. It's a fucking joint It's you know, and it's and it's and I cannot eat. I just go to bed hungry I cannot eat but I definitely fucking cardiologist calling

You want to get it? No. Please. I didn't fucking answer it on the fucking phone. Come on. Let's just see what they say. No, no, no. I have an appointment in a couple weeks. Please. No. I have an appointment with him. But yeah, so I'm not like... I can eat good. I turned down donuts earlier. You did? I had salmon for lunch today and yesterday. I had salmon for dinner last night. I'm good at turning down food.

It's just all these empty calories don't allow you to get a dent in the weight loss. And so you're always at a deficit every morning when you wake up and you're also a little hungover. And then I go, I'll just push it. And then I do. But I'm still not like putting a dent and losing weight. What do you want to get? Do you have a goal you want to get down to or no? I don't. This sounds so crazy. I wouldn't mind being 230. Like 230 sounds skinny right now. 220, I would...

220 is like, I couldn't imagine being 220. I don't know what I'd look like at 220. Well, I do. 220 is what you kind of were like around. Yeah, but my body is so different. It is different. Than now. Like my body is so fucking, I was when, when I was the last time I was 220, was it sober October, sober October. And I couldn't do anything.

I couldn't do 20 push-ups. I couldn't do 10 push-ups. And I couldn't bench 220. I got pinned. So, like, my body is very different than it was then. I'm in a lot better shape.

physical condition, but I'm just fat as fuck. I'm fat as fuck like a, like, I mean, this sounds, I know you're gonna make fun of this, but like, I feel like a lineman. Like where I go, I'm just really overweight and I have a lot of weight on me. And I'm big and I fucking just look fucking fat. And I'm now, I went to a size five in my shirts. So like, and now they balloon out. And so they look big and

It's like I stopped denying double XLs. I used to be like on the fence, like I'm an XL. And then I was like, just give me the double XLs, more comfortable. And so like, I just, I'm done with it. And I'm not done with drinking. You think that structure would help you? You're not done with drinking? Oh yeah, I would. No, I'm not done with drinking. I'm going to drink the rest of my life. But I got to get control of my health. Meaning like,

I'm certain I have a fatty liver. I'm certain I have high blood pressure. I'm on all the pills. You're getting physical. You say you're going to get physicals, right? Oh, yeah. I get physicals every six months. I know. I'm just making sure you stay on top of it. Do you get blood work? I'm on it. I'm on it. I deal with Brigham, so he does blood work. Does structure help you? Yeah. Being home. I'm jealous of you guys. I'm watching Nadav get ready for the marathon. I don't mean this like...

I love my life. I would never trade my life for anything. I work at the pace I like to work at. I do it for a reason. I like working. I like making things and building things, and I love all of that. But I'm very jealous of Nadav. Um...

getting to train for this marathon at home and like going like it's so easy to manage a life when you live somewhere. Yeah. When you live on a tour bus. It's different. I totally get it, man. I don't have a gym everywhere I go. I don't have my trainer. Like when I'm at home, my trainer meets me at my gym at 8 in the morning. I'm up. I work out. I go over to the studio. I do a podcast. It's so fucking – it's amazing that like people –

Comment about me from the outside not and I mean this Casually, but not walking in my shoes and imagining how my life must be Like anytime that anyone's with me for any minute of any period of time They're like how the fuck do you do it red band told me last night? You know, you need to take some time off and I was like, okay I was like sure man, and he was like no you do and I was like I was like I Mean this I mean this

as a friend but like you have no idea what my life's like like no idea i don't mean that like i'm overwhelmed i'm just saying like i got i got a lot going on and so like that's true just trying to keep ahead of there is a degree though of truth that you should acknowledge in that statement though

No, no, no. I can't take that from Red Band. No, no, no. I don't mean like, let's take him out of the picture. The degree of truth that I'm talking about that, like one, we all have to have some acceptance over this at some point is that ultimately, especially if there's tons that you're committed to tons, you do have to remind yourself that.

And I'm not saying you, Bert, specifically. We all do this. That you are the one who sets the pace and the commitments. It's about the fact that like... And I think you do struggle with this. I have struggled with this as well. It's about having some no's. Like no to this, no to that. Because you prioritize things that way. When you say...

Yes to everything you're actually saying no to some of the things you give a shit about because you're you're eliminating the possibility To do some of the things you care about well because you're saying yes to too many things if you say yes to everything And we've all done this you're not you're saying you're saying no to some things that you care about and you're saying Halfway yes to some of the things you care about because you're too spread out and you're too you're too

exhausted to do everything well. No, I haven't run into that yet. I can, I mean, I'm, I'm achieving at a pretty high level. You're achieving at a high level, but that doesn't mean that it's not, that it can't be a better level of, of some of the things that you're, that you care about most. Yeah. And I agree. I agree with that. But I, but at the same time, I'm, and I mean this, I hope that I hope people can hear what I'm saying because

And not just hear what you're saying and go, because you're right. You're right. You're definitely right. I'm not saying it to be right. I mean, I'm saying it just because, look, I need the reminder too. When I say this thing, it's not about giving you. I would love your pace of life.

Well, no, but no, but like, hang on. Well, okay. So like perfect example. I signed up for the fucking craziest tour. Yeah. But, but I'm, my tours as crazy and I fly to Austin once a month to do a podcast and like, I, like I, and you're right. I overpack my schedules. Yeah. Like we all have a crazy tour. You have your, I wish I didn't have a fear of flying. I wish I, that was the number one.

We sent him a few flying. I'm jealous of you. I'm jealous that you fly home sober and you like look at a paper and you have a coffee on the plane and then you get home and you play with the kids and then you like work out. Like I would love that. But instead I get all worked up when I have to fly. I wish I could get rid of that. I wish I could get rid of that. For me, I have to have the structure when I'm home. Like when I'm home and I don't get home often. But at the same time, it's like, hang on, the last thing I'll say, and this is, I mean this respectfully.

But like you have the, I hope people hear this right. You have the luxury of being wanted young. Like you have the luxury of people wanting,

wanting you when you were younger in the business. Before you guys had kids, you were blowing up. You guys got money before me and Leanne got money. And we watched you guys like, just like, I remember going to your houses and being like, "Holy shit, when the fuck did this happen?" And then you go to the next house, I'm like, "What the fuck?" And you guys were very, taking it in pace and all that. But I think I got it later. So when I got it later, I'd already had two kids.

They were already in like middle school. And then all of a sudden I got all these opportunities that you got presented from like, say what, 35 to the rest of your life. I got presented at say 47, 48 till the rest of my life. So I looked at it like,

okay, here's what I've always wanted. I never got to do Abel. I never got to do it. And you knew how bad I wanted to do that. That's my dream. Someone said it to me when we were at the US Open doing the first fully loaded show. They're like, can you believe you created this? What was the inspiration behind creating this? And I said to them, candidly, if I didn't create it, no one would ever ask me to do it.

If I didn't do this, no one was gonna say, "Hey, we want Burt." Like if I didn't force-- - So you created the thing you wanted. - I created the thing I wanted. When I started doing social media to promote my shows, it was 'cause no one gave a fuck. And so I was like, "I gotta make this happen for Burt. "I need to get behind Burt and make this happen." Whereas you have the luxury of, you still, Tommy, have like fucking 20 years of a career to go that everyone's excited to see, including myself.

I am on a fucking timeline, I feel like, where I go... I feel like Tupac, where I go... You're only like six, seven years apart in age. I know, but you had a jump on me by another 10 years almost. By like another five years. So you feel like you're working on a timeline right now? I feel like I am. I feel like I got fully loaded. I got specials. You're still like two specials ahead of me. I'm like...

I'm like here we go like I got I got a fucking right I got to get on stage I got to do stand-up like I feel like I feel like I the starting gun went off and I didn't hear it or I wasn't paying attention so I'm like behind and so I pack myself like I watch I mean this once again I mean this with love but I watch what you're doing here and in in YMH and it's

Not just the shows. The shows are fucking awesome. But what you're doing as a business is so inspiring. But you got to remember, I'm just getting inspired. You were inspired by someone fucking five years ago that I did not see that happen for. And so then I just started my production company. You've had YMH forever.

For fucking I remember when you told me I'm gonna start taking this seriously and I remember going like what like the podcast like I didn't get it So I'm always late to the party and when I show up at the party, I feel like I feel like this is a great analogy I'm always late to the party. I feel like everyone's been drinking and I gotta catch up And so I'm doing shots and I'm snorting coke and I'm smoking weed and then maybe sometimes it looks like I'm out of control but like I like I feel like

I feel like taking these days off, I wake up going, I wake up going, I'm not doing shit with my life. I feel like everything that you're saying makes tons of sense. And I totally understand everything that you mean very clearly. But I think even you just saying it, part of your brain has to also understand that you don't have to view it exactly that way. Like, it's almost like you can see why you're seeing it that way. But that you also get that, like, if you...

Don't do everything in the next two months. You can spread some of that stuff out over six months and have a pace that is more enjoyable to your life and to your health. I feel like some of that still has to register to you, that you know that it doesn't have to be like this all the time, all the time, all the time. It does not.

have to be like this all the time. And, and, and to be honest with you, the reason I'm taking so much time off right now is because both girls are home for the summer and I'm spending time with them and I'm trying to try to enjoy it. I do have this inner voice that I do have this inner voice that when I wake up, if I, if I don't have like a

Semi busy day like I said my like at least like a podcast I feel like I'm not doing anything with my life where I go I'm just waste what am I just gonna sit here? Yeah, like I feel like I'm wasting my time. We're the same with a lot worse We're very similar. I think I'm starting to realize how similar we are the more we know each other I always thought I always thought you were the I don't give a fuck guy like just like I'm gonna fuck I

like and just like things will happen and then i see you now busting your ass to get deals done and i go like yeah i definitely give and i and i'm the same way i mean christina's always like can you just she what does she say to me she goes i just get home from a tour and and she's like what are you doing tomorrow i go well tomorrow i'm gonna do this i'm gonna go fly a helicopter i'm gonna work out and she's like can you just be like i can't just be i can't just enjoy the day yeah i'm like yeah she goes let's sit on the porch and read a book i go

Read a book yeah about me you want me to read my book about me. I'll do that am I in Tom's book I'll read his book. I'm not gonna fucking sit there and read a fucking Huck Finn novel Yeah, I was like. I just don't get it. This is by the way. This is like my it's like also also How can you say this right like this is any? I'm speaking for you viewers, and I apologize to speak for you I don't try not to do that

any one of these motherfuckers watching would be like, yo, if you told me I was burning the candle at both ends, but I got to hang out with Tom Segura like fucking four times in two days every month and do a podcast that a lot of people liked, they'd go, yeah, I'll push it a little harder. That was my whole mindset. When you moved to Austin, I was like, yeah, man, I love the podcast. I'll push it a little harder. I'll burn it a little harder. I'll fucking...

I don't mind it. I love the fucking conversations we have. I love the fucking creative conversations we have in that office. I love all of that shit. It inspires me. I love doing push-ups against Annie. I love that Nadav's running a marathon. I want to fucking run it with him. Are you going to? I wish I could. I don't know. I'll check with the aunt. I think you said you're... I'm supposed to take time off. No, not just that, but aren't you doing something like that day? No, I'm doing a cruise. My cruise...

uh there's a wait list uh uh my cruise october 27th 29th uh this year out of miami um i cannot believe you're doing it it's so crazy i'm doing a cruise i'm doing red rocks i got arena tour i'm like i do that but but i you know how i feel

I love it, I love it, I love it. And I love all of it, I love all of it. I love thinking of promos for the Topsoff tour. I love thinking of, I love the creativity. I love the creativity. - Yeah, of course. - And so Leanne said, I've already texted her about it, Nadav. So Leanne has a vacation planned for us after the cruise.

Okay. That's why. And I was like, well, when's it end? She was like, well, technically we're just there up until your birthday, the November 3rd. Yeah. But I think we can stay until the 5th. And I went, so if we stay until the 5th. Can I go to New York to 6? Can I go to New York to 6 and run the, because I know that if I have a goal like Nadab does, I'll work hard towards that goal. I know you will. And then, and so she was like, well, hold on. What if we want to do something after that? And I was like, well, you want to go to New York? She's like, for what? I go to the LA or the New York marathon. And she's like, hold on.

Why do you all of a sudden want to run the New York Marathon? And she can just see it in my head because I go, that's a good promo. It's a good promo. I'm fucking running the New York Marathon. It's fun. It's fun. It's good on Instagram. I don't know. It's on November 5th. Yeah. Yes, sir. Let me check. And here's the other thing that I think will definitely make you do it. There's no fucking way you could do the New York City Marathon. Yeah.

Fucking 50-year-old fat ass. Come on, dipshit. There's no fucking way you could do that. Those days are past you. Good luck, Nadav. You'll be alone. It was a great episode. Yeah, it was fun. It was fun as fuck. All right. All right, I'm flying back to L.A.

Love you. Thanks for coming. I love you way more. It was fun. I love you way more. Stop. I love you way fucking more. You stop. You always say this shit. Thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening. Bye-bye. Bye. Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.