Tom's Dad STOLE Dynamite & BLEW UP A Bridge w/ Barstool Big Cat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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I love that I started the Not a Damn Chance podcast with just the nastiest story I have. Part of the idea of this podcast is how you can become successful as living as just a regular human. I went to culinary school and I only went for a few months and I dropped out. Look at that, kids. You can drop out of culinary school and get two Michelin stars. I do what I can do so I can come back and do it all over again.

Not a damn chance. Not a damn chance. If you see yourself somewhere, take all the necessary steps to get there. I just don't know how to quit. That might be my superpower. You can all try and stop me. I hope you do. Consistency was exactly what life was all about. Don't be genius here and wild there. There's a beautiful moment where obstacles become opportunities. Messes become messages.

I got shot in the face. Jail was the best thing that ever happened to me. And I did put my head in a noose. You heard 300 people dying. Nobody can tell me, like, you're breaking the rules, you're doing this wrong. There's no right or wrong. I don't care what it takes. I'm doing this. We have a phrase for that. It's called, not a damn chance. And white people, you're like a white, you know, fixture. Like, people look at you like Hitler, you know? They're like, we love this guy.

100% Excuse Guten Tag Bert, welcome Big shout out to Barstool, to Big Cat Do they own High Noon? Does Barstool own High Noon? Doesn't Dave own it? I gotta tell you, Dave I wonder if people We're gambling people Would you put your money on Dave Portnoy to succeed when you met him in high school?

I think I'd have to know that guy in high school. I'm going to say no. I'm going to say no. Probably not. I'm going to say no, and I'm going to say the same about Big Cat. I'm going to say the same about me and you. I was going to say, I mean, I think if I met you in high school, I wouldn't be like, yeah, this is going to work out. I don't even know if it's going to work out now. Well, hold on. We got to say thank you, Barstool, for giving us, accommodating us.

and um letting us do an episode here we're both we've been we're idiots dude we should have done this yesterday morning not the day yeah why didn't we well because i don't know it wasn't dumb god yeah we did a

I'm so hungover. We did a bar takeover. And we got Fun Tom. This is the beauty about owning a vodka company with Tom. Is Fun Tom shows up every time we do a bar takeover. Every fucking time. Every fucking time Tom ends up on stage. I mean, I just want to tell you how beautiful the women of Chicago are. We walked into the Old Crow Smokehouse last night. In Wrigleyville, yes. In Wrigleyville. And a woman...

Behind the bar in front of the bar handed me a remote control and said press the button and I went okay And I pressed it and she went I said what she goes I have a vibrator in my vagina That turns it on and I went let me get my friend real quick Yeah, and then you just handed it to me. You go press it and I did the same I was like what you go press it there. They're ladies ladies

Yeah. That's the move. I'm telling you right now, you want to own a man's inner dialogue for the rest of the night. That is the move. If you are a party fun girl, you do that and you go to a bar, you're in college, you find a guy, give him the remote and say, I'll see you in like 10 minutes. And that guy will do nothing but think about you. I woke up thinking about her. I woke up. I'm pretty sure her boyfriend, uh,

Was with her? Yeah, she had a boyfriend. And he was just like, cool, right? Like, he was one of those guys. Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah. He might be into watching or something. It was... Oh, yeah. I mean, I just stopped thinking about her. Yeah, I know. She owns real estate in my head. No, it's because when we left there, you were like, dude, can you believe... Like, it was...

And I kept thinking... It's a real... Here's the thing. It's a real power fucking move, right? To be like, hey, she's basically saying your hand is inside my panties right now. You know what I mean? Like, she's like, you're touching me right now is basically what she's doing. All I could think about this morning is how do I convince Leanne? I was going to say, you got to get one.

No, because I think we've been with each other too long. I just do it right as the guy goes, yeah, well, can I get you to drink? I'd hit it. She's like, I'm going to take a, hold on, cold beer, cold beer. Dude, I wish they had those for guys. They do. They do? Yeah. No, not, I don't want to. No, not in your ass. I mean, for your dick. For real? Yeah. And you can give her the remote. I'd be like, just turn it on. No, no, don't touch it. Yeah.

She'd be like, wow, that was so sexy. I'm so glad I got you that. Sitting here watching you just nut aggressively. So fucking arousing. Oh, fuck. That was one of the worst things I've ever seen. Because you acted that so well. Fuck.

I feel like I just pressed the button and you did it. Oh, my God. Are those linen pants? Yeah, I'm switching to linen. It's good for summer. Except my asshole sweats, and so I have an ass sweat stain in my asshole.

so like if I sit down for too long yeah you just see like a wet mark dude it's real sexy it is I've shit so aggressively today oh I'm a shit yeah oh my god I have nothing but just violent puree coming out of me it is so gnarly and I've

And I've had like four already. It's absolutely the most. And by the way, this place is massive and really impressive here at Chicago Barstool. I think there's three bathrooms and there's 80 guys. It's the craziest thing. I walked into three bathrooms and three guys were there. I'm shitting. I'm like, I have to shit. And they're like, go to the other one. I'm like, okay. This, I mean, let's talk for a second about Barstool Chicago. This is...

This is competitive with Rogan's setup, in my opinion. I'd argue... The facility? This is better than Rogan's setup. Well, it's a totally... Very different. Rogan's one guy, so it's his thumbprint. It's just him. Yeah, it's just him. But this is like... I mean, High School Bird is going, well, can I quit my job and just work for you guys for free? Oh my God, I know. I would be...

I'm blown away. They have a basketball court. They have a golf simulator. They have a gym. They have fucking... By the way, it's like something about the chicks that work here. They're all pretty and cute, and they got little sister energy. And they're like, what's up? Hey, you want a high noon? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I fucking love this place. I feel like I fucked my life up. My studio is like...

It looks like we sell knitting supplies out of it. There's so many fucking women. There's so many women. Why do I have so many fucking women working for me? Why can't you get some more dudes in there? I fucking can't hold on to dudes. Really? Yeah. I lose dudes quick. I think it's a den of snakes, those women. Yeah. They're just all fucking little fucking just eh, eh. Women, they're mean girls. And so when they decide they're going to do something, they do something.

I got to fucking have a coup d'etat. Do it. I'm going to start sexually harassing them. I would pivot from that. But whatever you plan on, you should stream it live. I would love to watch. By the way, I ate shit. And someone's got to have the video. It's got to have video. You took like an epic spill on the stage last night. So...

And by the way, it's what woke me. I set my alarm. I didn't need my alarm today. Really? Because my knee fucking woke me up. So we're on stage. We're pretty lit. I mean, I'd had an edible. I don't know how many shots. I don't know how many drinks. And we're saying goodnight, basically, and thank you for everyone coming out. And we're on a stage, and there's a DJ set up there. But the floor is black. His table's black. It's not... But he was black. Yeah.

He may have been black. That might have affected it, too. But the thing is, dude, he had, like, a two-foot subwoofer on the ground that, like, you just don't see. Yeah. So I walked over this way and just completely ate shit. You felt fucking hard. I thought you blew out your knee. Well, I was joking about it, and then this morning I was like, oh, what if I really did? Because, like, it hurts to put it up like that. For real? Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Yeah, it kind of sucks. Yeah.

Um, I got some cool bruises too. You got bruises on you? Yeah. Fucking ate it hard, man. It was hard. And I was, I joked with you. I was like, I tore my ACL. And you're like, wait. I'm just kidding. But I go, with me, you probably believe it. And you're like, yeah. And then this morning I was like, I think I did tear my ACL. Fuck. I would be so mad if I did.

And then I got back to my room and I fucking smoked DMT. I hit the DMT. What is it with you and DMT these days? It's the best fucking vape pen I've ever had in my life. But you disappear. Dude, I was fully hallucinating last night. Like, out of my mind. Wait, how did you get a DMT vape pen? Just cool guy.

Wait, how does... I want to know the breakdown of this. I've been given a few. You've been smoking DMT more than I think you're supposed to smoke DMT. Doing DMT is like anal sex. You're supposed to do it once a year. Yeah, until you find out it's the only way you come. And then you go, I'm going to do it all the time. Yeah. I kind of want to do DMT. You know what? Here's the thing. You go on a... First of all, you can't lift your head up. You're kind of paralyzed. Yeah.

And then... And I like it because I feel like just give up. Just life end right now. And then you go on these crazy, like, crazy visual shit happening, right? You're seeing shapes and colors and all this shit. And then, like, a door opens and you go into some life...

path realization and you're like completely lost in it you're in an alternate reality and you know you maybe you're resolving something or maybe one of your fears is coming up or maybe you're just like processing something and then all of a sudden you're like it's over and you're like oh how much time went by 15 minutes that's it yeah sometimes but then you hit it again you're like let's do it again

Yeah, it's pretty great. It's crazy. We, me and you do drugs and alcohol for different reasons. Yeah. Like it's, it's so fun to watch you get fucked up because you, you, you, you make a decision. Yeah.

Yeah. Like I never make the decision. The decision just shows up. Right. It's like, it's like, it's like lunch for you. I'm like, I'm like with civil rights in Europe. Like, yeah, they're black people. Just let them do whatever they want in Europe. Yeah. In Europe. Right. Isn't that how that works? And then you're more like the United States. We were like, all right, now they can use our water fountains. Right. Right. Like you're, but like you made a decision to get fucked up last night. You're like, you said something.

You said something like, all right, that's it. It's over or something. I went, oh, well, yeah, because whenever I go to any of these things, I feel like the you know, you have like this balance. Like, are we just at this thing and you have a drink? Yes. And then you go. I don't I don't know that balance, but I've heard of it. So for me, I'll be like, is it just a drink? And then we're leaving here. You know, it's like one is fine.

But then like the atmosphere there was so fun. Everybody was so nice. And like, it felt like we were actually at a celebration, like somebody's birthday party or something. And the music and, you know, our, our crews together, just like hanging out. So that after I had like a couple, I was like, Oh, this is like right now I'm standing on line. Like you either are,

Going for it or you stop now. So I was like, all right, we're in. Let's go. You know what's so funny? Tim Dillon once said. And then I drank, by the way, about a gallon and a half of water.

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Oh, you did drink a ton of water. So much water. Oh, the fucking bartender last night comes up to me and she goes, uh, water bomb. I said, what? She goes, water bomb. It's our trick. Kill it. And she just kept handing me like a, not a full glass, but just like a little glass of water. And we kept killing water. And I was like, nice. Yeah. And that's how we stayed hydrated. Wait, what was I going to say before that? Oh,

God damn it. No, but you, we drank a ton of vodka. Like we were doing, we had our heads back on the bar and they were pouring shots in our mouth. I'm so jealous right now of you. I found my girl last night. So I gotta share this. And I said this last night. So every night, girls, when we do this, girls put their heads back and we pour shots in their mouth. I am astounded at how great dentistry is in America.

Dentistry? Yeah, like, I'm just amazed at how many sets of perfect teeth I look at. Perfect teeth.

Now, I have a thing. I have a fucked up mouth. I got hit in the mouth with a baseball bat when I was a kid. I have like 26 fake teeth, like posts, and then some are bonded. Some are crowns. My molars are shit. Like, I have a real fucked up mouth. I often think the day I die, I'll go, well, thank God I didn't have to get dental work. You know?

That's a really cool outlook. One of the craziest things I have is I have these bumps at the bottom of my mouth. They're like, I can show them to you, but they're kind of crazy. And I know I have them, and I kind of, I don't hide them, but I've never seen anyone have them. Under your tongue? Under my tongue. I'll show you them. It's kind of creepy, and my mouth fucking sucks. Oh, what the fuck? Yeah. Yeah.

So what are those? Okay. So I've never known. I've never known. They showed up in college is when I first noticed them. I had like a bump. I was like, I played with it. I was like, what the fuck is that? And I was dipping at the time. I was like, fuck, it's cancer. And then another one showed up. I was like, God damn, it's really cancer. And now I have four.

But I've never, and I've, and I, and my sister. Wait a minute, she has them? My sister, my sister has them. My sister, Coddy, has them. Same? Yeah, and I've gone to Dennis, and I've asked him about them. He goes, yeah, some people have them. That's it? It's just, I'm sure it's a condition or whatever, but Dennis has never said anything. Right, and they don't affect anything. They don't affect anything, but I have these bumps. Well, I have always...

Looked when we pour shots in girls mouths for someone that has my bumps like I've always looked for it last night girl fucking I think it's a girl with a vibrator She puts her mouth back and I see my bumps and I go I guess a mouth you does and she immediately knew what I was talking about and we started talking her boyfriend jumped in he's like easy That's my girlfriend. I go no no no no no, you know, I'm talking about my shoulder and she went oh

I've never seen that. And I was like, that's me and you. We're like fucking, like, what if that's the way, that's the way we're, we're the Highlanders or the outliers or whatever. It's so crazy. I've never seen anyone that had them. And I'm like, God damn it. And did she share anything about them or just. No, it was too loud. I wanted to talk to her about them and go like. They're just benign. They're just fucking bumps. Do you know, do you. Have you seen these? They're crazy. They're really crazy. Yeah, it's crazy. I had no idea that's what you meant. That's really crazy. I'm so jealous that you get to nap.

Oh, I'm going to fucking, I'm tying one on. Are you? Yeah, I'm done. I had a really great run of not drinking. How long? Eight days. Get on a plane for Hawaii. I have two drinks before takeoff. Fly. Sober. Land. No booze. At the hotel. No cocktail. Sleep. Wake up. Feel amazing. Workout. Amazing.

Comedy is... The reason I will be alive is because of comedy. Do two shows in Hawaii, two nights in Hawaii. Oh, I didn't know you were doing shows. Yeah, yeah. My stand-up sucks. And it's so bad. I can't even tell you. Everyone in Hawaii, thank you for coming out. I really appreciate it. I'm so sorry. No, stop. I mean, I'm just... I have nothing. I have no tentpole story I'm working on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have...

Usually when I build an hour, there's... I usually have something really great when I'm building it. Something really great that I can go, this will... At least they got that. And then I got two things I'm working on and I go, at least they'll see that. They'll know that that was what I was working on. I don't know. I'm like, I got...

I got one story that's... I got a couple stories that are okay, but like... When did your special come out? March? Yeah, and I took... I made a mistake. I took 11 months off, and I should have never done that. No, I think you did the right thing. I think I'm so far removed from stand-up that like it really is the first time in my life where it's taking a minute to get the rust off. That's fine, though. That's good. And the people in Hawaii were awesome. I opened with a fucking... I opened with a James Cook...

Women of Hawaii joke had that land not well, what's the angle? No, I said I said, you know one of my favorite stories about James Cook and everyone's like Huge fans of that guy and I was like this isn't gonna go over. Well, I think you know, I mean it is a funny story Yeah, they pull up to Hawaii right? Yeah, James cooks. You don't whisper anymore. Okay, James cooks like this is ASMR. Okay, so

James cooks like to the guys on his boat. He's like, all right, listen, we all have syphilis and we'll have rickets Okay, so no one I'm not letting you guys on this fucking island and they're like, but we need fruit He's like, okay fruit and water. That's it. I'm gonna send to you fucking people. I have one rule Don't fuck the women and they go. What about the freak? Okay two rules bring back fruit and

Don't fuck the women. Two rules, that's it. Two you go. You understand me, two rules. And they go, yeah, boss, we got it. He's like, great. Sends them in a boat. They come back in the boat. And he's like, how did it go? And they're like, well, you're not going to be happy. I'm like, what? And they're like, we fucked a couple women. So now they have syphilis, so we might as well just go fuck them. That's what I opened with in Hawaii.

And they were like, yeah, we know. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, fucking shit. And you're like, that's one of my favorite stories. I just think it's so funny that I just thought, when I heard that story, I thought it made me giggle. They didn't like it. And then by the end of the week, you know, it's like you get the rust off yourself. I opened my first show Thursday with that. And then...

By the end of the week, I was like, fuck James Cook. And they're like, yeah! And I was like, do you want to know the craziest thing about James Cook? He couldn't swim. Seriously? He couldn't swim. He's out navigating the world? Navigating the world. And apparently that was a tactic to keep your sailors... Like, you didn't want sailors who could swim. You wanted sailors who couldn't swim because then they really gave a fuck about no one abandoning the boat. Right. And so...

Yeah, he tried to take someone hostage and then they chased him in the water, bludgeoned him to death and he couldn't get to the boat. He couldn't swim to the boat. That's how he died? Yeah. And then I started getting, I don't know if it's pandering, but there's an island called Nihao. Do you know that island? It's privately owned by a white dude and he has not let...

Anyone on that island there's like 80 Indigenous people like real Hawaiians they sound different they talk different and they live on that islands the furthest island West in Hawaii And it's just they bought it for ten fucking grand back in the day when you could well I know they're not big fans of Zuck Zuckerberg Steve Case

They all own, like Steve Carey owns. Larry Ellison. Larry Ellison owns. That guy's. Lanai. Yeah. He owns 98% of Lanai. Yeah. And by the way, looks like a villain. Yeah.

I mean, honestly, looks like, you know when Schultz does his thing with his mustache? Yeah, yeah. It looks like that guy. Well, that's what the, what's it called? Iron Man kind of facial hair. It's all based on Ellison. Do you think Schultz knows that he's doing the villain thing when he rolls his mustache like that? I don't know. It's probably... It's like, I always wanted to ask him because...

It is the villain thinking move. Yeah. And he does it so much. I think it's probably unconscious. It's like if I was just like, anyway, you know what I'm saying? It's like, hold your thoughts. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. Maybe I'll start doing stuff like that. You should start doing that. That would be perfect. Wait, I have a question. Yeah, yeah. Dude, your opener there, that reminds me of the hardest I ever bombed. In Hawaii? Yeah.

No. Because I was there for one of those. Oh, yeah, that's right. Tom Segura. This is what they gave him. James Cook rules. Okay. We have two rules, guys. Number one, do not mention Pearl Harbor. Number two, do not make fun of the Hawaiians. Tom goes on stage. He goes, I got bad news. He goes, opening joke. They said island life is slow. I didn't know they were talking about your metabolisms. Wow, you guys are fat.

I got lost walking around Pearl Harbor today. Lucky I ran into a couple Japanese folks. They really know this bass like the back of their hand. And then I said, I know that mahalo has a bunch of different meanings. Is one of them extra cheese? You guys are so funny. Yeah, that was fun. God, man. And then they also were like, and don't curse. And we were all like, okay. And then we all just cursed.

Cursed anyway, it's so crazy. We're teaching these guys to kill Yeah, like ultimately you go to the military. We're like yo, I think there I think the rule was and correct me if I'm wrong I'm quoting they were taught if it's brown and it moves kill it. That was one of the things we heard Yeah, but don't curse in front of me. Don't curse if it's brown and it moves

Russell Peters came on late. Yeah. He was the closing act. Yeah, we're like, you're brown. And Tom leans over to me and he goes, Russell Peters is closing this out and they are taught if it's brown and it moves, kill it. And Russell Peters is walking way too much on stage.

That was so fun. Well, the funny thing is you make a good point because it's all such a charade, right? Like they're like, don't say anything not nice. And you're like, for what? They're like, the Admiral's wife is here. You're like, so what? There's fucking 8,000 people out here. Like we got to do a show for her? And then everybody, and then when our organizer was like, you guys just fucking ruined my life.

The guy that booked us was like, thank you. Are we talking about Charlie? Well, yeah, yeah. My God. That was, you know what? This is an ad by BetterHelp. Men today face immense pressures to perform, to provide, to keep it all together. So it's no wonder that 6 million men in the U.S. suffer from depression every year, and it's often going undiagnosed. If you're a man and you're feeling the weight of the world, talk to someone, anyone, a friend, a loved one, a therapist, obviously.

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I left all my Tampa friends when I moved to New York. And when I moved to New York, I have a bunch of New York friends that I started comedy with, but we never really kept in touch the way... You're probably my closest friend that I've been in touch with that hasn't drugged me. But even like Joe, I've known Joe long enough where I can't...

But I've known you longer than I've known Joe. And the funny thing, the great thing about life is when you're experiencing something and you giggle about something that happened a long time ago and it makes you smile and you go, God, memories. It's a cool thing about having kids. When we were at this, we were in Justin, Hawaii, obviously, and we were stayed at the Four Seasons, which used to be the Ohlone.

I don't remember. It used to be... A Marriott property. A Marriott property that Tom and I... That's where Leanne and Christina met. Yeah. And that's where Tom and I did these shows. If you ever did the Pearl Harbor, you stayed there. It's really nice. It's amazing. It's got little lagoons that are man-made. And they made them in 1977...

before the government would be like, yo, you can't do that. Like all the coolest parts of America, the government got in the way of. Like all of Coral Gables, where it's just like these beautiful canals and everything, that was just, dudes going like, you get dynamite, let's just make fucking rivers. This guy, the guy that owned all that property, I think he still owns a piece of that property, he owned all the west side, and they were like, you're never gonna, or the leeward side of Hawaii,

They were like, "No one's ever gonna build here because it doesn't rain here. It's dry. It's bullshit. You know, there's no waves. It's the leeward side." And he was like, "Eh, I'll see." He's like, "I bet they'd like it if there were lagoons." Yeah. And they're like, "What are you gonna do with that?" And he goes, "Get some dynamite." And he dynamited four lagoons.

And then on the fourth one, they were like, yo, you gotta stop. Like, this is insane. He's just blowing up terrain. And he's just making these amazing, they're gorgeous. They're so... Did I ever tell you about when my dad was a kid? He told me this story. Like, it's just like something that could only happen in a different time. You have to do a show about your dad. I know, I know. You have to do a show about your dad.

Just that, I didn't mean to, I meant to interrupt. Yeah, yeah. But no, but just that, my favorite, out of bad thoughts, my favorite episode, my favorite thing is that the fucking talent show. Oh, thanks. But Sarah's got a new special and she talks about her dad a lot. Yeah. And it's, there's, man, there's something, especially when you've lost that parent, the reminiscing about that parent. I watched Sarah's special. It's so good.

I want to see it. But I love hearing stories about your dad. I love it because it's like, I don't know. It's like, keep going. Well, he was a kid, and this is in, I think it was in Louisville. And I guess this would have been like probably the late 50s, right? Like there's an army post, and he's a kid. Him and a couple guys like walk onto the base, and they steal dynamite. And then they blow up a bridge. Yeah.

So they set off dynamite and blow up a bridge, and then a police officer picks them up and is like, you can't be doing that, and then called my dad's dad, so my grandfather, told him, and my dad was told by his dad, like,

You should not do things like that. Like that was like that type of scolding. And then he was like, I'm sorry, father. And then I was like, is that all your dad told you? He was like, yeah. I go, you fucking blew up a bridge with dynamite? I miss those days. Yeah, dude. His dad was in law enforcement too. So he got like, you know. Oh, for real? Well, my dad, my grandfather was an FBI agent. So he was just like. Oh, we met FBI agents. We met FBI agents. We met the guy that arrested Jesse Smollett.

That's right. Yeah. I don't know if we should. I don't care. I don't care. All right. It's fine. He gave us his card. Hey, wait, wait, wait, what? Wait. Um,

Oh, I asked him. I go, because he handed me the badge, you know? I was like, okay, how cool of a flex is pulling this out? He's like, it's pretty good. I go, no, what's your favorite memory of somebody being like, hey, fuckhead? And then you go like this, and they're like, oh, I'm sorry. And I think he said it was at a show. Like, it was something with entertainment, you know? Like, he was like, I'm going here in some...

some people were like, you can't go there. And he just pulled it out and they're like, I'm sorry. And they just move out of the way. I was like, yeah, like you gotta have like some type of fun of pulling that out. There's, uh, so Leanne's, Leanne's not, uh, she's not a city slicker. No shit.

Leanne's what they call a rube, right? Like if you take her to the big city, she's going to lose majority of her savings in a shell game. Yeah. So like, and that's the country in her. But it shows up on the internet. So like Leanne is the person on the internet that goes, hold on, have you seen this? And it shows you and it's clearly, it's like a stage video. Yeah. And one of the most staged videos I've seen is...

A cop pulls over a black woman and he's just fucking license registration. He's being a dick, right? And the black woman's clearly is like, just going like, okay, okay. And it, but it says cop pulls over federal judge. Have you seen this? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And then she goes, get out of the car. And then she's wearing her judge's gown. I saw this. Let's just say as a dude,

Who grew up with a lawyer father who went to court on days he was sick. I would go to court with my dad. They don't walk home in the court in the judge outfit. Yeah. They leave it in the court. It is something they put on. They don't fucking... That's like...

pulling over a doctor and he pulls out his stethoscope. He's like, excuse me? So sorry, what were you saying? And Leigh-Anne goes, you see this? I pulled over a federal judge. And I was like, baby, it's not real. She goes, what do you mean it's not real? I go, it's not real. She goes, I'm looking at it. And I go, no, it's staged. And I'm like, why would they stage that? There's so many staged videos. I go, to outrage you. And she goes, what? He just did it because she's black. And I went, no, baby, that's,

It's not a real thing. They know what you're thinking in bed, that you want to see someone misbehave and then get called on his shit. Yeah. And then the dialogue too, because she's like, you're going to find out. He's like...

Why are you wearing that? Why are you wearing a judge's outfit? But you're black. Yeah. Hang on, you're black. You shouldn't be a... Hold on, you're a female. You're black and female. It's so... And she's like, you're going to be hearing from me. And you're like, okay. Yeah. I mean, I have to say, if it's... Like, we've all been taken by a really good stage job. Like, I'm sure, you know, I've found things... Not one on the airplanes. Not one what? No. So...

I'm a production guy, Tom. It's my third high noon. How do you like it? Fucking really good. They're very tasty. I don't even feel buzzed yet. I feel like gambling. It's like what Barstool is about. Yeah. It's fucking brilliant. This is fucking brilliant. I hate that they figured this out before me. I'm fucking stunned. I mean this with respect. I hope this comes out with respect. But I'm a meathead.

And I'm more of a meathead than that. Right. Like I'm the ultimate fucking meathead white privilege. I got it all. I got it all.

They outdid me at my own game. I didn't even know we were playing the goddamn game. That's right. I'm so fucking stunned that like... Yeah, but you still were able to... I've done good for myself. But to see what they've done, this facility, I keep going back to that. Let's talk. Can I keep going? Because I hate that the internet kind of like... It encapsulates what we all feel. Yeah.

It's almost like they're like, it's tarot cards. Like they're going like, like they feed you shit. They're like, hey, do you feel like black people are a little mouthy? And you're like, huh? And like, watch Angel Reese. What do you think about that? Yeah. And then you're like, what the fuck, man? She can't even make, like, I was talking with fucking fuck-facing numbnuts last night, Pete and Kyle at dinner. And they're like, did you see? This is what made me upset. Yeah. Did you see?

All her air balls she has angel Reese. Do you see all her air balls all her misses I go guys Everyone's gonna miss you could do that for any athlete. You just show every time they miss Yeah, someone just put that together and go no she misses all the time I go

No, she doesn't. Obviously, she's in the WNBA. She must be pretty good. Like, she has to sink one or two to be in the WNBA. I mean, I don't know if that's a rule. I don't know anything about WNBA. But, like, they just made a compiled compilation video of her misses. Yeah, you can make a miss video for anybody. But I go, I hate that the internet does that because they go...

Are you kind of racist? - Yeah. - A little racist? Is this like, you know, like black women, right? Black guys you're cool with, but the women, right? Check this out. And then they feed it to you, and then it serves an inner dialogue to you. - Yeah, you're right, you're right. - It's like, honestly, this, and here's the thing is, I really like Caitlyn Clark. I really like her, but I know the way this works. It's gonna reshift.

Like the Angel Reese versus Caitlin Clark thing is like Apollo Creed versus fucking Rocky. It keeps going, too. And I want to tell Angel Reese, shut the fuck up. Stop talking. Stop talking. Stop talking. Don't say a fucking word. Go Marshawn Lynch on them. Just don't say a fucking word. Because everything she says, they fucking take and use against her. And I bought an Angel Reese jersey. She plays for the Chicago Sky. I fucking bought a jersey yesterday. You did? Yeah, fuck yeah. I'm not going to wear it, but it's an XL. Yeah.

Doesn't fit. That was a lot. That was a lot, man. They did it with Meghan Markle? Oh, Meghan Markle's kind of out of her mind. She's kind of crazy, dude. Dude, the second I talked about Meghan Markle, all my feed was was Meghan Markle. Yeah. You watching that show amazed me. I can't stop. I watched it on the plane. When she corrects, dude, she corrects. Mindy Kaling, is that her name? Mindy Kaling. That's her name? Yeah. Mindy Kaling? Kellig?

Kayling? Yeah. She's like the most woke person in the world, right? She's never done anything wrong. She's a woman, a woman of color. She's like, fuck it. She's overweight. She's skinny. She checks all the boxes of like, can't offend you at all, right? Yeah, yeah. And she fucking offended Meghan Markle by calling her Meghan Markle. What do you mean? Dude, it's so good. Did you see this? I mean, she says something simple like, I can't believe, I bet no one would think Meghan Markle likes peanut butter and jellies.

And then Meghan Markle goes, you can still call me Markle. I'm Sussex. And you can see Mindy Kelly like, what the fuck? Why are we doing this? Like, yo, I didn't say the N word. Like, what the fuck are you doing, bitch? Like, what the fuck? She. It's so good. Chastises her for. She's not joking? No. And it's. And by the way, I'm a ride or die for H&M, right? H&M? That's what I call them. That's what they call each other.

Oh, Jesus. It's so good, Tom. It's so good. Like, it's... I honestly... I think that people are... I think I might be the smartest man in the world. And I think that I can transcend fucking what... I think I can transcend things and enjoy misery. I think I can enjoy the fucking horribleness of some... of projects. Like, this show...

Is so rewatchable. Because it's a disaster? It's... Is it a hate watch? You can't... See, I would argue it's not even a hate watch. You just got to get into it. You got to know the characters. It's like The Office. It really is like The Office. I'm being serious. It's so...

She cannot get out of her way. Yeah. And I've watched every episode. Like Ricky Gervais' character, like that, right? But you gotta be, you gotta go, you gotta get out of the internet and go...

I'm not gonna just hate her because she was on Scrubs or whatever. - Suits? - Suits, yeah. She was on Suits and Married a Prince, and I don't believe a lot of her. Get out of that. Get into the fact that it is The Office. But it's for real life. It is real life. If Ricky Gervais created this character, you would laugh hysterically. - Right, you'd be like this. - And I really, and I'm joking myself, I'm the smartest man in the world, but I'm not really, but like,

But I really think I've transcended it and I've enjoyed... I enjoy... I watched it again on the plane. Again. And I giggle. I giggle. All right, you're going to make me try it. What's it called? I don't know. With Love? With Love. With Love. She's trying to be Martha Stewart, right? Dude, I...

i mean it makes me want to re-watch old martha stewart's clips because you know martha stewart was a little bit out there like they used to do parodies of her on snl oh they were so good yeah yeah she's a badass though actually yes she really is dude can i tell you what sucks for women is that they fade just it's like watching it's like watching superman get locked out of his house women specifically fade what about guys nope we get better i told this to leanne we're taking a walk

And I noticed, like, well, I'm famous, but I noticed people looking at me, like, when we were walking. I noticed, like, these young girls saw me, and then they giggled. And then they were like, oh, my God. And then they came and ran over, and they're like, are you? And I was like, yeah. I'm like, can we get, oh, my God. And their energy was in. And I noticed, like, I mean, this sounds a little shitty, but, like, I noticed, like, not a lot of young boys were doing that to Leanne. I said to Leanne, I said, it's kind of crazy. Like, it's kind of crazy that, like, and we had just seen the conclave. I said, Isabel or Rosalina? I was stuck on this.

Isabella Rossellini, we would have cut a finger off to fuck. And now you look at her and you go, but 10 years ago, 10 years ago, we'd punch our wife in the teeth to have a chance with her in bed. 10 years ago. She's still beautiful. She's still beautiful. But...

It is inevitable with women at faith and with men we kind of our stock increases especially if you make money and you're you know, a little gray look sexy and You know, I got jocked by these I got shocked by these young girls in hawaii It's right when leanne left leanne left and I was only leaving two hours after her I went down to the beach. I had a fucking cocktail I was telling pete this last night and these girls came out and wanted to talk to me and they're like are you are you here by yourself and I was like

I was like, oh, my wife just left. And they didn't know I was leaving in an hour. They were like, oh, what are you doing for dinner tonight? I was like, I don't know. I should have been like, I'm having it on the plane. But, you know, I was like, I don't know. Like, you should come with us. And I was like, oh, no, I'm leaving in an hour. And they're like, oh, okay. And then I was like, that's, it's just so odd. Now I'm buzzed. It's so odd that, like.

for women, it just, it's inevitable. It happens to all of them. Right. Well, they're the, they're the ones pursued, right? So like guys pursue women. So you have like this biological thing happening in you too, right? Where you, like your DNA is seeking out the youngest, most viable, you know, reproduction person too. And so like you actually have a signal in your head that,

that sees somebody that's older and goes, this is not a reproductive person. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's like on a real base, like the purest level of attraction is really like our bodies telling us reproduce or don't reproduce. I almost envy ugly chicks because they never had it. Right.

Yeah. Like what's, what's better to have it and lose it or to never have it and never know what it was. Do you ever, did you ever like do like a, you know, like a charity fuck when you were younger? No, I've only fucked, I only fucked who would fuck me. No, I'm sure that you would not love my list, but no, but did you ever like, I've only had sex with six chicks.

Right, but was one of them, did you ever go like, hey, you're not that attractive? No, no, never. You didn't say it, but you go. I fell in love with all of them. I was like, I love, I said I love you to all of them. Even the one night stand, I said I love you, and she was like, what? I'm fucking only fuck people I love. I'm broken. I'm the reason. That's the reason the internet hates me at times is because I've said everything, I'm just broken. I'm fucking, I'm sorry. I hate the fuck people I love.

Oh, shit. I never even made out with an ugly chick, I don't think. Really? I don't think so. But it took me so much to kiss a girl that I was like, I don't want to fucking deal with the fucking rejection. No, I mean, same. Oh, God. I'm like envious side of a buddy in college. Let's just call him Chris. And he just kissed everyone. He tried to kiss everyone. Like every night, just leaned in to kiss everyone.

I was like, what are you doing? And he was like, hey, man. You swing a couple times, you're going to hit a home run once. I was like, yeah. He goes, try to kiss them all. I mean, literally, he just... And I was like, I wish I could do that. He must have had some responses. By the way, he was... I got to say this. I want to say his last name so we know who we're talking about. It's Chris who lived with Steve and Eddie, just so we're all clear. You guys get it. Yeah. Good-looking dude. Really good-looking dude. Never really had, like, a girlfriend, I think.

If you focus on looking for the home run, you forget what it's like to hit a nice base hit. Yeah. And I was always like, give me a base hit for the summer. Someone I can fall in love with. Someone I can order pizza with, watch movies with. Someone I can tell secrets to. Yeah. I don't belong in Barstool. I'm a broken boy. We're all broken. No, I'm so broken. You think I could have these conversations with the guys here? What would they say? Yeah.

Are you betting on the Bears game? What are we talking here? Are you gay? It's cool. There's a lot of gays now.

Even at Barstool. It's crazy how gay almost disappeared, you know? And then it came back, like, strong. Like, I hear so many people calling shit gay that I'm like, I remember when it, I stopped saying it for a while. So the only critique that was valid that I heard, like, you have to, like, listen to when you go, that's gay and you mean that's lame, was that

People were saying, what if a young kid that's gay, like actually homosexual, hears you saying that something that is shitty is gay and they kind of associate that with themselves? And I go, oh, that's a valid critique. And then I was like, yeah, deal with it. You know, that's gay. It's fucking like... Can you believe shit? It's fun. It's a fun... You got in trouble for saying retarded. I got in trouble for saying retarded. Isn't that crazy? Like this...

That's so wild. Go ahead. Not only that. Hold on. So also, why don't you do the retard challenge? Dude, please. It's unbelievable. I went to the Special Olympics, dude. Not to the not to the event. To the headquarters. What did you compete in? I probably actually wouldn't win. But yeah, the first of all, let me just say this.

The most comforting thing, like the thing that I enjoy the most is when I'm around somebody who is gay and they use that's gay the same way that we do. Then I go, oh, because like they're like, no, no, yeah, of course. I think that's the best. The retarded people. You got in. This is I think this is glossed over.

You got in a lot of trouble. I'm going to say it. You don't have to say it. And so if everyone knows, according to my dad, I don't know what the truth means, but I'll tell you my truth. I always tell you my truth. You made a joke about the word, the word and the usage of the word and how it was. You didn't just call something retarded. You made a joke about the word.

And it got so out of control, they wanted you to take your special down. And you don't have to answer any of this. I'm just going to tell you my side of the story. They were legit thinking about it. And you commented with, hey, Netflix, if you took my special down, that would be retarded. And then Netflix was like, that's not the post we were looking for, Tom. Yeah, that wasn't helpful. And then you had to go meet with people. And now it's almost like watching –

Watching what's happening today makes me outraged that we could have just done that then.

Well, I'll tell you this, man. It was like, it was a very shit. People don't, I don't think a lot of people realize how shitty of an experience it was. Like I told you that I said when I went through something, I don't forget what my thing was, but I said, I feel bad that I'd never reached out and like I said, Hey man, I hope you're going through, you know, it was, it was bad. It was really bad. I actually thought that my career was kind of going to end. Like when you're in, when you're in it, um, you really feel like you're in like a little bubble and you know, I,

All I got every day was just people threatening to kill me, sending me messages, I'll beat your fucking head in with a hammer, like crazy shit. And then I keep getting these calls. They're like, hey, they want you to go meet with the Special Olympics. I'm like, what are you talking about? And I'm like, who's asking? And then finally they're like, it's Reed Hastings, the CEO of Netflix, wants you to go do it. I'm like, what? He wants me to go do it? And they're like, yeah, I guess I'm going to go do it. Netflix.

I went down there. When they go, when they go, Hey, I'm not going to say it. I know what you're saying. There's a couple of guys at Netflix. You don't say no to. Well, yeah. The guy that started it. There's a couple of guys at Netflix. I remember. Netflix is an interesting family to be a part of. Cause there's a couple of guys that could have their way with me. Well, here's the funny thing. So,

They're all attacking me. And one of the things that I figured out pretty quickly is that I'm an attainable target because there's all these other movies and shows and comics who have said retarded. Right. And I'm like, hey, what about Tropic Thunder's on there at the time? And they're like, oh, yeah, they're upset about that. But like, you know, they can't really get a hold of Ben Stiller. So they can find you, though. You know, they got you.

I'm like, oh, cool. And then I go down there and Special Olympics people were like, hey, you know, we watched the special and, you know, you're actually, you're a funny guy. I mean, it made us laugh. And I'm like, okay. And they're like, but, you know, that word is so problematic. And they're, you know, and I'm listening, like we're having an adult conversation. And after we speak, they're like, you know, you're really, you're a nice guy and you're thoughtful. And I go, thanks. And, you know, they're like,

I really, you know, I really, I didn't want to laugh, but I did laugh at your special. I go, thanks man. And then the guy's like, um, I just want you to know that, you know, I appreciate you coming down. And I go, thanks. He goes, but I'm gonna still do everything in my power to try to have your special taken down. And I go, what? And he goes, yeah. And I go, okay. And then I left there. I don't know what number on the call sheet I was on the call list, but I got a call in the car and you were confused and you were like, I do not know what just happened.

But the thing, I was in my pool. So I remember I was staring at rocks, the hardscape of my pool. And you go, oh man, what the fuck? I was like, what? And you're like, they actually got the joke. They said the joke, the joke makes sense, not a hateful joke, but they're still going to take, they want to take my special down. And they tried. And I remember you saying, they want me to do the R Word Challenge.

And I started laughing so hard. I go, they want you to do the retard challenge? And you go, yeah. I go, Tom, Tom, you need to tell them. The internet's not going to fucking like what they think. It was so insane. Then they told me, so obviously the special, they didn't take it down. And I have to defend Netflix because Netflix stood up for not just me, but they were like, you know, our comedians can kind of.

do what they want it like it's it's you know you don't have to like it but we're not going to take it down take a look at bad thoughts yeah take a look at bad thoughts take a look at bad thoughts if you have not seen it go watch it right now that is that is netflix that is and it's tom's but that is the boss we have is like sure what do you guys want to do but here's what's funny because this all started when you're saying like

People are saying shit's gay again, retarded. So for a minute though, after this whole shit went down, first of all, one of the high ranking guys got fired because he was referencing my special. And then in the reference to my special, he said the N word in a meeting. And then people were like, why are you saying the N word? He's like, no, I'm saying, I'm talking about words. And then he did it twice and they fired him. Right. That was a huge story. That was, I'm not like, I remember that. I remember that. Yeah, no, no, I remember that. In the trades and in New York times and everything.

And then there was kind of a policy for a minute that they were like, hey, you cannot say that word in specials. So like they stopped Jay Oakerson. Jay Oakerson, yeah. Well, then I got a call on my follow-up special. They were like, hey, if you talk about the last special and everything that happened, they're like, you can't say like retarded again. That was really bad, right? Like the fallout was bad. And I just kind of accepted it. And I'm not critiquing –

I think language and stuff, there's cultural shifts. Things happen, you go, okay. Here's the funny thing. It has been five, six, seven years, and now everyone says retarded again. And it's in shows, it's in stand-up. It's just back. The people just kind of were like, no, we want it back. We're going to say it again. And I don't mean like in the malicious...

way to like, I'm just saying like when we go like, dude, what are you doing? This is retarded. You keep drinking. Like, you know, like people are, but like that version is like back in, is like acceptable. I gotta be honest with you. I'm, I end up going old school where I go, yo, I had a period where I didn't say any of these words and I understood it and I got it.

And now that I hear them so casually and callously said, like, just whatever, I go, whatever happened to you guys? Did you guys get beat that easily? Yeah. Like, what? We were on your team for a second. I mean, I never really used the word. I never really, like, I never made... I'll tell you what, I never made fun of anyone with Down syndrome in my entire life. I've never. It's not my thing. No. And by the way, to the point where, like, I remember...

Making fun of somebody like that. That's not... It's fucking... That's... Like, the whole... All the word... I understand why somebody goes, you know, this is hurtful. It's not like it's lost on me. But I'm saying, you have to accept the way that language works is if enough people agree that a word has a second meaning, then it has that meaning because people are agreeing on it. And with that word...

You know, we all, like, to use it to somebody with somebody with, like, a disability, that is cruel. Yeah. And it's completely unnecessary. It's not funny. But people say it for, like, like. Same with gay. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. I mean, gay or the, you know, it's like both those words. I just go like, I don't know. I've never made fun of gay people. I've enjoyed them. You never beat up a gay guy in high school? No, never. Never.

You're not that much of a fucking Barstool guy. Yeah. That's one of the things Dave looks for in a resume. He's like, did you get... Yeah. I didn't know that. Did you pummel somebody for being a queer? Hey, is Big Cat here? Can we get him to step in for a second and just say hello? I just want to give him flowers and tell him how fucking great... This has been a great podcast, man. By the way, did you know that Tuskegee Airmen did not have syphilis?

I hadn't even, I didn't know. So can I tell you, can I tell you what I learned? Yeah. Tuskegee airmen are different than the Tuskegee experiment. My whole life, I thought they gave a bunch of pilots syphilis and then let them have syphilis for like 30 years to test out, to find out what the degree of syphilis, what happened when you left syphilis untreated. I mean, it kills you. Are you aware of the Tuskegee experiment? Um,

Where a bunch of guys, a bunch of black dudes got what they called back in the day syphilis, but they called it bad blood. And they got syphilis. Syphilis was, it ruined your life. I mean, you went blind. Yeah, your brain rotted. Your brain rotted. Your fucking, Al Capone died of syphilis, I think. Yeah, he did. And so that was the Tuskegee experiment. The Tuskegee Airmen-

is something totally different. That was a bunch of black pilots during World War II. And whatever happens, what's the thing where everyone thought that Sinbad was in the movie Shazam? What's it called? What? The Mandela Effect. I thought they gave these pilots syphilis

in world war ii it'd be a crazy experiment i know and i get up there and fly down with your brain fucking melting in my head i'm like the whole my whole life i've always been like but they were flying for us why would we give them syphilis and then what the fuck was the sin bad thing i don't know mandela effect which is it's when you think you know something happened like uh oh hold on uh this is the mandela effect um

Luke Skywalker in Darth Vader says, Luke, I am your father, right? Yeah. He never said that. He never said that. His words were like, search deep into your truth. You will know it to be true, Luke.

He never said, Luke, I am your father. But we all believe we heard, Luke, I am your father. It's a Mandela effect. It's the same thing with... Why is it called the Mandela effect? Because Nelson Mandela was really big into movies. I don't fucking know. It's got to be... Why is it called the Mandela effect? Are you looking on your phone for an answer for me? Yeah. What's a Mandela effect? Do you like how I immediately became your boss? Who would you rather sit on a 10-hour flight with, Big Cat or Dave Portnoy?

That didn't take long. That did not take long. Yeah. All right. He's nicer, too. Oh, people go, he died in prison. So people were telling that story because they think it's a story. Are you serious? So it is Nelson Mandela. Yeah. That makes sense because people, okay. What? Oh.

Oh, so it's not Brent Krishner. It's Bert Kreischer. Hey, that's the Mandela effect. That's the Mandela effect. Do you know how often my name is mispronounced? Well, I have a collection of videos in a folder, if that's what you're wondering. I got two things. Ready? And by the way, I don't know if I know the answer. Oh, I know the answer. I know the answer. I almost guarantee you that Tom doesn't know Big Cat's real name. Dan Katz? God damn it.

Is he Jewish? Really? One of the big ones. Yeah. He's a real outlier in that world. They only get one or two like that in a generation. Good looking. Look at this fucking guy. Good looking. Strong jawline. Yeah. Big too. Great hair. Big guy. He's a big fucking dude. I think 6'2 is the threshold of big dude. Yeah. Legit. When you're 6'2, you're a big man.

When you're fucking six foot doesn't do it. Six foot, you might as well be 5'10". Right? No one can tell the difference between 5'10 and six foot. No, you want to be, like you said, 6'2", 6'3". That's where it's at. I think we should... Oh, look who just showed up. What's up, boys? What's up, man? We've been having the best time here for the last...

whatever how long we've been here uh and we just wanted you to come in because thank you for first of all for letting us do this also congratulations i play i know you've been here a while but it's super impressive man thank you are we live right now yeah yeah oh okay i was like oh this is really nice i was thinking maybe you're gonna say all this before we started taping no man we've been recording for an hour um

Yeah, it's awesome. I'm happy you guys got to see it. It's really cool, man. It's a dream. It's like I work in a fun factory. You actually really do. Well, it's the...

Rob Dyrdek, I was such a huge fan of him and Robin Big. And I remember when he built that, whatever it was, 20 years ago. It was like Skateboard Park and all that shit. That's what I want to do for a living. And you did it. Yeah. Can I say one funny thing, though? So we built this in November 2023 is when we moved in. And I take my kids here all the time. Your kids? Yeah, three of them.

Are you serious? Yeah. Yeah. Uh, you guys are good at keeping secrets. No, I mean, that's not a secret. There's, they're very much. I mean, I don't put them online. Oh, you don't do in specials and talk about their periods. Yeah, no, I don't. I don't, I don't put out their pictures or their names because I know that they're going to have a pretty fucked up, uh,

very smart reckoning when they get to like college and some guy walks up to her party and goes I'm gonna fuck the famous right out of you yeah fuck you kid I know who you are I'll find you his name yeah I got three little kids so we I bring them here all the time to like run around on the weekends I have like little you know the little toy trucks and stuff and then so they love it they think it's the coolest thing ever it is they fucking love it is

Then, maybe it was like four months ago, Dude Perfect opened their new office. And my son watches Dude Perfect and he watched their tour of their new office and he was just like,

Where are your go-karts? Yeah. Why does your shit suck? Yeah, your bitch sucks. What the fuck? Wait, can we deep dive? This is like- You know, so Dude Perfect, I think they do, I think they're like deep state media because they did a fun run at my son's school. He's in kindergarten. And all you had to do was compete and you get a prize. The prize was Dude Perfect backpacks. Hmm.

So every kid walks out with a Dude Perfect backpack and they're just like, this is awesome. And then boom, they're hook, line, and sink. We got to do that with Poroso. Do kindergarten parties where they get bottles of Poroso. Poroso sippy cups. Sippy cups. Get them real. Oh, hold on. That's actually brilliant. That's actually fucking brilliant. That's really good. That's really brilliant. We should do lunchboxes while we're at it. Dude, and Lucy. You guys with Lucy? Yes. Lucy, you should come out with a candy that you put in your cheek and it slowly releases sugar.

Or Rogue. Rogue can do it. This is fucking brilliant. All right, what was the deep dodge? Okay. Well, first of all, are you Jewish? I am non-practicing. My dad was or is. My mom is not. Your mom is not. So you're not. So half. Yeah, but I mean, because we were saying like, man, he's a real outlier. Look at him. He's like big, strong. You and Gary Goldman. You and Gary Goldman could carry on the race. I was one of those kids when I was like younger. I hated all religion.

I've gotten more mature where if you think that religion is important to you and your relationship with God is important to you,

I'm not going to judge. Tom hates some, he hates Palestinians, right? It just depends on his song. But I have, but I have, I was that like shithead kid who's like, this is bullshit. Yeah, yeah. Like, why are we doing, why are we doing anything that was told to us, you know, 3,000 years ago? Yeah. So, and I've kept that pretty consistent throughout my life. It's funny how non-religious, like, I was brought up in like a kind of religious household and how I have kids now and they have

Like, just know... Yeah, my kids are not... It's just not part of their upbringing. Yeah. Yeah. Be a good person. Yeah, yeah. That's the thing. It's like, I understand religion, like, can instill those type of foundational things, morals and everything. But, like, I hope that I am able to do that on my own without religion. I hate it also. Like, I had to go to, you know, Sunday school. And we went to mass every Sunday and all this stuff. And it's like, oh, my God, my kids, like, you know...

picturing them going through that they would be like dude I fucking hate you man yeah right right if I made them do that now where's the iPad we took Isla in Georgia to church once and Isla is this I mean this kid's staring at me I go what she goes why are we here and I go what do you mean she goes you like this I go no she goes why are we here I go man and papa she goes we could leave right like we don't have to stay here and I'm like I'm

Where was that brain for me as a child? Right. I'm going to push back. I'm going to say, I just watched Conclave. Did you watch Conclave? I did. Spoiler alert. Didn't really love the ending. It's the Ace Ventura of religious movies. Yeah. Iron Horde's a dude. The buildup was fantastic. Awesome. The buildup was great. They could have just ended the movie being like, we picked a random guy. This is my favorite genre of films are thrillers, or suspense, and

And it's all about building up

And then the reveal. The reveal, like, who killed or what's the thing? And so you're waiting, and you're like, oh, man, this is building so well. The actors are phenomenal. It's well-directed. The tension, you're like, oh, shit, what's it going to be? And then I got to tell you, when it's revealed, I was like, you've got to be fucking kidding me. They should have gone full-length for insurance and had all the priests go, uh. You remember Dan Marino? Yeah. Dan Marino was like, uh. I was like, dude, uh. I mean, what? Uh.

A great, I watch that with my daughters. My daughters are kind of woke. The first thing they say is, they see us return and they're like, are we laughing at a special needs person? And I go, no, no, it's different. And they're like, no, dad, that's. And then by the end, we're like.

he's just a transgendered female. I was like, no, you don't get it. They suck this dick or whatever, you know? My boys watched it last week. Ace Ventura. Ace Ventura? Yeah, they're six and nine and they're like, this is the greatest fucking thing of all time. I can't wait to get to like actual movies. I'm still in like the Despicable Me, Paw Patrol. Yeah, they love, they lost their minds. What trips? Let's talk about kids. What,

What trips do you want to take with your kids? How old are your kids? About to be six, four, and two. God, man. Boy, girl, boy. Three is a lot. Three is a lot. Three is a lot. You're outnumbered for the rest of your life. It's a lot. God. Yeah. Man, I just came back from Hawaii, and I went to a resort that I've taken my girls to like 10 times. And that's over probably five times. And-

We had so much fun at this fucking resort that I started thinking the podcast move. And I always think like in, in like, you know, how, how do you monetize it? Whatever.

is like planning trips for families, like doing family trips. Like not this like we're a family, we're going to live in a van and we all work out and we all eat liver, you know, whatever. Yeah. But like planning trips for families because, man, there are some fun family trips. Yeah. And then there's some that aren't worth it that you go, maybe my kids don't need to see Bali. Right. You know, like Hawaii is just as good as Bali for them. Yeah, yeah.

We go to, I haven't, I take my kids on some trips, some trips they're not invited to because it's like, you know. You're also too young, man. A two-year-old is like, when we go anywhere near a pool, he just tries to kill himself. Of course. Also, every time I do the road, people are like, do you bring your kids? I'm like, we're in four cities in four nights. Right. Like, to have little guys. Right. Eventually, I'll love that. It'll be awesome. Like, next year, I'm going to take my, the Final Four's in Indianapolis. I'm going to take my son to that because it's a drive.

You know what I mean? That's going to be awesome. That'll be awesome. But no, there is a place we go to in the Bahamas, Bahamar. Have you guys ever been there? No. It's the best. And I say this because I'm a very easy guy. If you give me a pool and a casino, I'm in. So it's a full resort, but there's a full casino, sports book. There's like 20 restaurants on the resort. There's also a free water park attached to it.

And it's like, I do this without my kids. I've asked you a version of this before. But for that vacation, do you go in with a number? Yeah. So you go, I'm just gambling this.

Yeah, and then I'll probably hit the ATM again. But yeah, I actually did well this trip. Really? Oh, good. Sweet. Can I ask you, as a person who, I have the things I like. Yeah, Bert, you text me every now and then being like, is this a good bet? I'm like, dude, you're like, I know I gamble a lot. You saved me like 10 grand. I think you wanted to bet like Baker Mayfield to win the MVP. No, no, no, no, no. And by the way, I'm so excited for the fucking box. Shiloh Sanders is going to be a jersey I'm buying. Okay.

Okay, and then what are you gonna do when he gets cut fucking he's not getting cut goddammit listen. Where do you think she's gonna end up? I have a really good question Yeah, what about you door? Haha? I don't think he's gonna. I think it'd be a good backup somewhere for not including maybe in Cleveland Maybe he'll stick around in Cleveland. He's uh He's okay

He's just like, you have to be, you have to have like incredible arm talent in the NFL. You have to have something that's elite. But maybe he can, maybe he can make it as a backup. And like, that's a pretty good life. Chase Daniel made millions and millions of dollars. I think there's someone did it like a breakdown. He's like made like $300,000 per pass attempt. That's pretty cool. Cause he was in the NFL for so long and he just, he would get in every now and then. And his brain still works. Yeah. Right. Right. Yeah. Now here's my great question. Cause I'm a journalist.

Um, so like when I go when I go on vacation with the girls when they were younger There was always like I monitored my drinking because I didn't I didn't want to get out of control But there was a little bit of where you know, I got loose Do you do that with gambling so that your kids don't see the gambling? Oh, no, they know so like so like I

You go to the Final Four, he's getting dad and a little bit of big cat. Yeah, well, in my house, there's specific times where the game's on and my kids will be like, who are you rooting for? Like, what color? I'm like, we're rooting for both. We have the over. When this team has the ball, we want them to score. When this team has the ball, we want them to score. So they probably don't really understand how sports work. They don't get it.

No. We'd for both. Yeah, it's... I mean, it is. I've said it before. I maybe even said it on this show. They're going to have a real funny conversation in school and they're like, we like all teams. Yeah, right. Yeah, it's like we like points. But yeah, no, I've been lucky enough that I can gamble. Are you guys racist? No. Black people make dad smile. We need points. Can they score? Can they score? Can they put the ball in the hoop? But yeah, really all... My only hobby is gambling, so...

I know that it's probably, I never try to think about how much I've lost in my life because that would make me sick. But I also know that I've been lucky enough to make a lot. So yeah, just keep it going. Kind of balances out, right? Kind of. I need to get to a point where like I've talked to my financial advisors like about retirement and I'm not going to retire anytime soon. But like what's the point where I have enough money that I can just lose it all?

like for the rest of my life you know what i mean because that's what's because i'm not going to retire and not gamble so i gotta figure out i gotta figure out how much i can have that i can then be like all right we're okay with losing all of this and then you just you know die with nothing well the problem gambling for me i'll speak for tom too i've seen tom gamble tom gambles like you gamble but like

I'm not... The only time it's interesting, it's like fucking cheating on your wife. Who's going to wear a condom, right? It's like if you cheat on your wife, fucking raw dog. Right? That's the way it works. Yeah. Okay. Like if you cheat on your wife and she goes, did you wear a condom? You're like, you never heard about cheating, apparently. So, but that's the same thing with gambling. I actually totally disagree with that, but go ahead. You'd wear a condom? Well, first of all, I wouldn't cheat on my wife. I wouldn't cheat on my wife either. No, well, I'm going to sell for a real reason. I've like...

I come way too fast to like, it would be like 45 seconds to ruin my entire life. You know what I mean? Like if I can fuck like a porn star, then he'd be like, Oh, we'll consider it. But like, I think about like the embarrassment in the 45 seconds and being like, your life's over now. Can I, can I, can I miss you a barstool challenge?

Me and you have sex with the same person. My wife would love that explanation, by the way. Well, she also loves it because she always asks, like, you know the hypotheticals you do with your wife? You're like, if I died, what would you, like, would you remarry? I'm like, listen, if you died, like, tomorrow, high-end prostitutes rest my life. That's love. That's love. That's love. That's love. I don't want to put the time into fucking... It's like when you get a new dog. I don't want to potty train them. I like the old dog that followed me around next to my heels. Right. God, those are fucking great dogs, man. The, um...

What were we talking about? Gambling, gambling, gambling, gambling. I'm a little drunk. It's 1130. And it's Chicago. Yeah. The thing with gambling for me is it only works...

when it hurts. Oh yeah. Like it doesn't. Oh yeah. You can't, you can't go in and go a hundred dollars and then it matter. That's where that's, that's the whole thing. It keeps going up. I had a run, uh, this spring in March, I won 16 straight bets and I was just going up and up and up. I didn't lose a bet until like March 10th. It was like the biggest thing. People were waiting for my pick. It was incredible. But the problem was,

every bet got a little bit bigger. And then when I finished, when I finally lost, I was like, well, what do I do now? Like, I got to stay at this level. So it probably fucked me up in the long run. I learned it, like, the emotional part of it with Blackjack, because I love Blackjack. Yeah. And there's this thing where you're, you know, you go to a table, let's say, and...

you know, people have different approaches, but typically I would start like small, right? Right. Like just kind of like, Oh, let's start. So I'm like, here's a small bet and winning and then next hand winning. And you're like, Oh, I'm not feeling anything. Push it. Yeah. Yeah. Because, but like, there's no charge. Right. So then you go, you know, whatever, here's a thousand dollars. Then you're like,

You know, and then if you win, you're like, yes. Yeah. You finally go, oh, here's the emotion. Yeah. But if you lose it, you're like, fuck. You don't want to sit at a blackjack table for two hours and be like, I won 50 bucks. No. Have you guys been to Dana White's Tunnel of Chaos? No. Have you seen it?

So he's got his casino. He goes to Red Rocks. Yeah. And we went there, I think it was like last year. We talked to him about this. Yeah. You show up. He's sitting at a blackjack table. You say what you want to win. And then he plays for you. You win that money. Then you get up and go. And so like you, I literally said, I want to win $15,000. Like, okay.

gambles it like i think i played three hands won fifteen thousand dollars stood up and left he's like get out of here yeah and like but it's it will compton sat down i think he was down like 300k at one point but it's like and it's like that feeling of like is this my money or dana's money i don't really know what's going on but then you just he just fought back and fought back dana keeps going so you guys gotta go to the tunnel but what but what is the what is the

Allure for a guy like Dana or Michael Jordan. I think he likes watching other people win, too. That's fun. He likes to win. Right. The appeal to him is that he is an elite fighter.

businessman yeah who has had massive wins right like we're talking bit like billion dollar sales and like you know he he goes to these ufc events you know the gate is fucking 6.8 million and you know there's this many people doing pay-per-view like it's just it's a charge right because he's he's devoured success and so when he's not in that environment he's just like

This shit's lame. Yeah, right. Sitting around sucks. Right. So I'll go here. I'm going to bet $400,000 on a hand. Yeah. And then if he wins that hand, he's just like, fuck yeah, there it is again. There's that feeling of like, I just won half a million dollars in two minutes. Yeah. Winning. He wants to win. Yeah. That's Jordan too. Yeah, exactly. Jordan was like, you know. Right. Like he doesn't have a gambling problem. He has a competition problem. Exactly. He just wants to compete. He wants to compete, dude. All right. Where are you guys next on your tour?

Tom's on tour right now. I'm flying to Springfield, Massachusetts right now. Oh, never mind. Albany and Rochester. I was like, there's a lot of Springfields, huh? Oh, there's a few. I'm like, what a bitch. Why didn't he drive? I was talking shit about you last night.

Massachusetts? I didn't realize that. No, he thought of Springfield, Illinois. I was like, the fuck's he flying for? Why are we on such a tight schedule? I don't like driving. I got to watch your new show, too. Please do. Please do. Yeah, I've been watching Mobland. Have you guys watched it? Hold on. Don't talk about what happened on Sunday. I haven't watched Sunday's episode. Hold on. Have you watched Mobland? Have you watched Mobland?

Let me just give you a pitch on Mobland. It's basically if they speed run Sopranos and like every episode is its own like action movie that it's not really a lot of depth, but it's cool shit. It's almost as good as Meghan Markle show. Really? Hold on. We're not done with you. I know you have to go. Hold on. Mobland's fucking amazing. Yeah. Real quick. Real quick. Tom Hardy hasn't slept. Have you noticed that? Yeah, he hasn't.

Two weeks in the show. Where's Mobland? In London. And it's on? Paramount. Paramount, yeah. It's like a weird one to find. Yeah. I had to buy a fucking Paramount account. I always forget it. Can you just sell it to Netflix? Yeah. We're done. Anyway, Mobland is great. Tom Hardy has this weird thing where he kind of does one thing. Yeah. And I'm there for every time he does it. I don't even think he's acting. I don't think he's acting right. I think he's just like, hey, Tom, just be a fucking badass.

He's a that movie that havoc came out. Yeah entertaining movie. Yeah, like yeah, no everything is entertaining. Yeah, it's like he's just a badass Do you think if I? Looked at a house with Colin Farrell one time. Okay, looking at we were looking at the same out No, we were looking at the same house at the same time. He said man. I could fucking that's a sick brag I could listen. No, it was a bit not a nice house. It was for his sister. I

He was looking for his sister. Were you looking for yourself? I was looking for me. Okay. I toured Dr. Dre's house one time. Are you serious? Yeah. I almost bought it, but then I was like, I don't want this house. It was in Woodland Hills. He lived in Woodland Hills in the same house that he bought in like 93. Little fixer-upper? Well, it was weird. It looked like a castle, and I didn't know it was his house. And I pull up, and I'm like, this is a weird fucking house, right? And then the guy...

is giving us the tour and he's like yeah you know the guys in the music business i was like oh who is it he goes oh you know i can't say who it is i was like okay and then there's like really old like you know where you go this data this needs to be totally renovated then you turn a corner and something's totally state of the art right what happened here he's like oh they did this room yeah like okay and then the kitchen looks like it's 200 years old

And then the theater is like, and you're like, and then outside by the pool, they renovated a section that had like a fire pit. And I was like, dude, this is the most crazy, like just, you know, piecemeal kind of thing. And he's like, yeah, you know, his daughter, she's going to college in the fall. I go, oh, it's Dr. Dre. And he was like, fuck, yeah, it's Dr. Dre. Because I just like read an article about it. I go, this is Dre's house? And they're like, yeah. I go, this is crazy.

Terrible. And then he moved from that house to the one that Brady had built in Brentwood. So he went from this house to a $40 million Brentwood estate. But it was a weird house in Woodland Hills. And you'd see him driving around. Because for a gym, instead of having a house gym, he got a commercial gym.

in like a strip mall yeah as a personal gym that's awesome so you would see you'd see the name you're looking at your flex you have a gym yeah i know you have a crunch in here basically it would be like if he bought though a planet fitness and left the name planet fitness and they're like no one's allowed to come here yeah right this is your place yeah that's awesome and so like they would have like the the people he would always get mad at people parking in the gym spaces because they're like

There's no gym members. It's just you. Do you look at this, Tom, and do you go, this is what YMH could be?

This place? Have you ever been to Tom's studio? No, I haven't. But it looks a lot like an abortion clinic. It looks like people just, when they walk out, no one's smiling. They're like, ooh. But this place is, yeah. The one rule I made, too, of this place is everyone has to show up. Everyone has to show up to work. Because there's a lot of times where you don't, if you're blogging or you come and do your podcast and you leave, I was like, everyone has to show up because the magic is- Can you cut to my face? Cut to my fucking face? Hey, guys at Birdie Boy Entertainment.

Huh? The fuck work from home? You don't work from home, means? You don't work from home, means? I'm not working today. I know you're not allowed to say this. HR. This is fucking bullshit. You show up to work because being there is the fucking creative part. Well, especially in our line of work, like you can't do it.

On Zoom. No, you can't. It sucks. You just can't. Zoom sucks, dude. You have to be in the mix together. That's where everything, the magic happens. So I'm getting a, it's too bad you guys came now. If you came a week later, I just bought a industrial soft serve ice cream machine.

We're going to upgrade some shit. That's been my dream. I think we have some fun at our... Dude, we have a... Come on. What are you talking about? No, it's cool. It's like going to the dentist. It's not like going to the dentist. You walk in scared and you leave. Is it like going to the dentist? No. Can you throw a ball around?

No. Well, first of all, we don't have the size place yet. Well, I'm just asking, can you, if I came to your office, I was like, Tom, let's have a catch? Oh, where? Yeah, we could. No, where? Over Ennie's head? No. When we break something. When you walk in the front into the, listen to me. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I would like to see a video of you having a catch.

You know what I'm going to do? As soon as I fucking get back, I'm playing catch and I'm sending you the video. No, no, no, no. No, no. He is, Tom is, they call them liars. Tom, if you go in, Tom has, I'm going to really break apart your studio. First of all, you can't walk in the door like you could here. No, you can't walk in the door. You got to go. It's called security. We have security. And then a twink comes out. What's his name?

Tanner? Tanner comes out and he's like, oh, hey. Oh, hey. Cool. And you're like, hey, is Tom here yet? No, he's around late. Oh.

You want coffee? Reed's got you coffee. And you're like, cool, Tanner. And then all the branding is so that you know Tom isn't racist. It's just black people painted everywhere. Like, it is. It is. What is it? Kobe Bryant? He's never watched a fucking Lakers game in his life. He's got a mural of Kobe Bryant in the fucking studio. And then some Latina chicks, right? It's like Tom grew up in LA as a cholo. And then...

And then everyone's scared. You ever go into a rescue? Everyone's scared. Everyone's scared. You walk into a rescue place where they rescue puppies, and the puppy's like, that's Annie. Then you see Chad. Woo-hoo!

Zono's like, I don't want to touch. I don't want to touch. I don't want to touch. That's the whole fucking place. And Ryan's place, no. Ryan's is right by the door. Sounds pretty true. I mean, there's a guy, he works there too. Yeah, but he's right by the door so he can leave and you can get drinks in his office. Ryan, could we have a catch? Absolutely. Okay. Where the fuck would you have a...

I can't believe. Actually, multiple places. Oh, wow. We got multiple catches going. I'm going to send you a super cut of all the places. Oh, my gosh. Here's where we're going to have one. Here's where we're going to have one. Oh, hey, guys. What kind of ball do you want to use? Whatever. Tennis ball is fine. No, no, no. I want a catch of all sorts. I want a lacrosse catch. Maybe a frisbee. Can we get a frisbee going? A frisbee catch. Totally. I want a baseball catch. I want all these catches. And then I'm going to show you what it's like to work in a fucking den of snakes. Yeah.

Okay, first of all, you know what his fucking place is like, right? I mean, I assume it's just his house and he makes everyone go there. Well, it's a house that... Not far off. It's a house that is like where yarn collectors get together and talk about... You know what I mean? I just farted. I'm cramping. I'm cramping. I'm cramping. It is...

such a fucking chick hang. It is the opposite. They would, first of all, if they even visited your office. It's like a Portlandia sketch? Oh, no. If they visited here, they would basically sue you guys for essay. Just for existing. They would exist sue you. It's the complete polar opposite. It's a bunch of broads just sitting around being like, you know, I think it's a good idea. I'm like, how do you fucking do this, dude?

You need to hire a couple of Barstool people, man. I'll fucking bring Mincey. We got a couple we can throw your way. They will ruin your life.

They will ruin your life. I have none of, what's Old Canadian? Oldie. Oldie? I have none of that energy in my house, and I want it. Flapjacks? Flapjacks. Side pockets. I want that energy in my house. He's a gem. A trash man. And we just like, we had him on one stream. We're like, this guy, we have to have him. He moved here. No, he still lives in Toronto. He's got a wife and two kids. But whenever we need him, he comes down. Holy shit. Yeah.

Dude, I got it. You can edit this out if you need to. I got it. What? You know how I've always wanted to adopt a Down syndrome, dude? I don't know. Yeah, I want it because... That's not oldie, by the way. No, and I know, but... He's Canadian. Yeah, which is a little... Yeah, you're getting confused here. I'm going to hire an intern, a Down syndrome intern, just to break up the female energy.

Dude, right? Dude, fucking positive as fuck. Yeah. Break up that female energy. I got too much female energy. I got too much. Maybe we go for like an autistic guy. No, fuck autistic people. We got a few here. Take that out or keep it in. But no, but I'm like, take it out because no one will take it out. God damn it. But no, but like I'm so tired of these fucking grown men saying they're autistic and you just got to deal with a rude dude. No, that's not.

And you're like, oh, so I'm on your page? You tell me everything and I just can't disagree? No, hold on. You know what I'm talking about, too, don't you? No, I know a few people like that. Yeah, it's fucking exhausting. Enough. Anybody who has any social quirk that is not positive, some people go, yeah, he's autistic. Or he goes, I'm autistic. And you're like, I don't think you are. Yeah, right. I think you're kind of an autistic. Right, right. You just don't like talking to people. That's why you're my partner, bro. Yeah. Yeah.

You never got into cars? No. Just gambling? Yeah. I dream of someday getting some old cars. That'd be cool, but I don't know shit about cars. Are you a real estate guy, though? No. You don't want a place somewhere magical? No. I'm as simple as it gets. I don't really change. Just gamble.

Steak or fish? Steak. All right. What are we doing? Are you garbage? What is this? Did you grow up with Tupperware? Did you grow up with Tupperware? I see chains, though. You got chains on your neck. I do. I have a couple. Do you? I have...

This actually was, you guys know Roan, one of the most talented guys we have at Barstool. He got me this. This is the gambling saint. Hasn't really helped, but trying. That's awesome. And then this is an asteroid that my wife has a matching one from. They mined an asteroid in Africa. Bro, you should get a massive medallion that is an iced out actual big cat, like a puma.

That would be your shit. Why don't you have a big cat that lives here? Can I pitch you on Savannah cats? Do you know what Savannah cats are? No. Bro. Sounds like a problem. Again, I already have a Mincy. I don't know if they're... By the way, I'm in love with Mincy. You know that? Because you don't work with him. No, because me and him have the exact same musical taste. Oh. Did you have you gone to the Sphere? Yeah. For Dead & Company? Of course, yes. Yeah, I went two weekends ago. That was my fourth time. Wait, are you a deadhead? Yeah, big time.

Are you being fucking serious? Yeah. How did I not know that? I don't know. Are you like... Wait, is there anything else about you that we don't know? No, I mean, that was... God, he's just dead then. How dare you? How dare me not say that I like... Okay, okay. Brent. No, it's Bert. No, Brent, if that was what you're going to ask. Wait, no. You're going to ask me what my favorite keyboardist is. It's Brent, the 80s. No, that's not what I was going to ask. Wait, are...

Top five favorite Dead songs. And don't go, you got to do one. It changes so much. Right now, Warfrat, Althea, Crazy Fingers, Help on the Way, Slipknot, Franklin's Tower. He's gone. And Standing on the Moon. Jesus Christ. Can I tell you what a liar John Mayer is? He's the man. But watch, guys.

big time watch guy maybe the biggest yeah maybe the biggest i went to last year when i went to the sphere i just posted a picture being like you know this is awesome he dm me he's like hey come come to my green room before the show tomorrow night and hang out hung out with him for like 20 minutes coolest guy ever yeah just like one-on-one it was awesome that's awesome he is the man he's awesome you spelled mayor i gotta go in four minutes hold on how do you do this

We should make a trade. You get like for like a month. He's going to sell me in a second. He's going to sell me in a second. And then we can go to therapy together. Yeah, yeah. Well, then we do a podcast at the end and we talk about it. And I'll be the therapist. You don't think John would sell me? Like, dude, do you see what I deal with? No, you see what I deal with? Yeah.

No, I actually think we should try that. We should do that. Yeah. We should absolutely do that. You doing a podcast with Mincy and then me having to have Birch in the office. You'll learn a lot about Mincy. Yeah? Yeah. Well, he'll tell you everything. By the way, it's no... We connected so quickly. Yeah, I know. You guys are the same. For real? Oh, that's who you were talking to? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I was like, who the fuck is that? Dude, we were going off on Billy Strings and fucking widespread panic. He's the guy who's been... He's been fired. He did...

He did a live show on, he has a live show, Wake Up Mincy, and the show landed on the first of the month, and he celebrated by singing Bone Thugs-N-Harmony. Yeah. And, uh...

Decided to do the lyrics. Mm-hmm. Live. Yeah. That's a good call. So he got fired for a little bit. Now he's back. It's the first of the month. Wake up. Wake up. Yeah, he just went right through it. I'm looking for John Mayer's number. All the words. All the words. Oh, yeah. All the words. Oh, wow. Yes. Yes. John Mayer says Althea was his introduction song. Yes, it was. It's not. It's not.

What was it? I'm just saying it's too deep of a song for someone to go... No, I believe it. I can't. Okay. I'm stuck on the fact that you get introduced by the dead on one of the songs we never listen to anymore. For a lot of people, it was Touch of Grey. Yeah. And by the way, I'm...

I'll even go deeper and say that I now rediscovered how great of a song Touch of Grateful Dead was. Oh, yeah. That's the best part about Dead is you just keep... Like, my favorite songs shift from week to week, month to month. You find a new show, you find a new song. It's the best. Are you going to the ones in... I don't think I'm going to be able to make it because of schedule. Yeah, those are going to be sick. I want to go so bad. To where? They're doing Grateful Dead's 60-year anniversary in San Francisco in August. Oh. Yeah. And Billy Strings and Sturgill Simpson. Do you, like...

Do you like edibles? Yeah, mushrooms. Mushrooms. Yeah, yeah. Nice. Do you like DMT? No, I can't say I've done a lot of DMT. Tom's got a vape pen. Do you want to hit it real quick? No, I'm good. The vape pen is the best thing ever. Yeah. The DMT one. Oh, okay. Incredible. Yeah? Yeah. I'll take your word for it.

No, I'll take your word for it. That's what taking your word for it is. No, no, but it'll only... I just... Listen, I believe you. Here's the thing. 15 minutes, you feel like you're going to die or be paralyzed. This is great. And then you come back and you're like, holy shit, I'm still alive. This is crazy. Yeah, yeah. You guys are...

I think you guys are kind of bored if you're just casually doing TMT. I did it last night. Gotta find something else for you. Hey, I want to say thank you. Yeah, thanks again, man. Thank you for letting us come here. Yeah, anytime you guys are in town, you need it. It's the coolest thing about the industry that we're in is there's like a shared community

camaraderie and to show us around this place and it's amazing and we specifically built like extra podcast studios for exactly this like Brandon Marshall came with Cam Newton and then he Brandon Marshall came back like four days in a row just doing his show every day I was like taking a piss in the urinal and he was just standing next to me oh okay but yeah anytime you guys are here you need a spot really appreciate it man thank you thanks guys thank you very much thank you guys for watching thanks for listening we'll see you next week Bert and Tom

Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.