A Harmonious Life w/ Tatianna Merritt
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Can't bless who you pretend to be or who you compare yourself to he can only bless you and the lane that was created for you You don't need no edge entity you need boundaries I don't need your likes I don't need your validation All I need is a God fighting for me that says all things are things Chad

Girl, listen, one of the things that I be struggling with, I don't know if you struggle with them, is trying to be consistently balanced in every area of my life. If I'm working out, I'm not eating right. If I'm eating right, I'm not working out. If things are good with the husband, the kids are falling apart.

Things are good with the kids. The husband is like, girl, where are you? I haven't seen you in forever. Where's the girl that I met in 2014? I lost her. I don't know where she is. Work, all of the different things that I am balancing often make me feel like I don't know where to start. I don't know how to start. I don't know if I even have what it takes.

And yet I take a deep breath and I remind myself that consistency is achievable as long as I have my priorities in check, which means that I had to learn that putting myself as a priority is not a betrayal to my priorities. Oftentimes we are so busy trying to figure out what to prioritize that we don't even consider that we need to be prioritized first. I remember the first time I ever took a staycation.

So my husband has this tea time that he goes on. It's a moment where he goes, he recalibrates, he gets into the presence of God. He spends time by himself. He's an only child. And so he needs time to himself to recalibrate. I wasn't an only child, but I need time to myself in order to recalibrate.

I'm gonna be honest with you. The first time I told him I was going on a staycation, I was really jumping fly. I was really trying to be like, you know what? You are about to see just how much I do around this place. You are gonna miss my absence. You are gonna recognize who I am and why it is so important that I chain myself to this house. Baby girl, I was gone for only a couple of hours before I was like, I don't know if I'm ever going back.

Partial custody me, please. I will see these children every other weekend. Like, can I, you, what is this? Let's just start over. I realized that what I needed more than anything was to make prioritizing myself a part of my daily, weekly, annual routine. How do I take five minutes in each day? How do I take an hour out of the week? How do I take a couple of weekends out of the year to take a minute and check in with myself?

When we recognize that it is not betrayal to check in with ourselves, everything in our lives become better. It seems weird because we think the only way that it can continue to grow is if we're present. But the truth is taking a minute to reset allows us to reenter our world with gratitude. It helps us to qualify what's really a problem and what's not. As a matter of fact, we might find that it actually helps us to save our marriage.

Tatiana Merritt learned this lesson. I won't even say the hard way. I'll call it the God way. Her and her husband were going through a challenging time in their marriage. Now, I have to tell you, on the outside looking in, this is probably a little hard to believe. They've got the cutest family. She's beautiful. They've got this beautiful dynamic. They're pastoring. It seems like they have everything together. But

But they faced a really hard time. You would think that they got into marriage counseling and maybe they did. You would think that they learned what was wrong in their marriage and maybe that was a part of it too. But when Tatiana talks about this breakdown in their marriage, she attributes the turnaround not to what they did, but to what she did. The way that she allowed herself to reconnect with

to prioritize her relationship with God, to remember who she was. And then from there, everything else in their marriage began to shift into what it is today. She is a content creator and an influencer. She's in Detroit, Michigan, but most importantly, she is a woman after God's own heart, not just for herself, but for others. I cannot wait for you to experience what happens when you learn to consistently

prioritize balancing you in the midst of your world she's going to be our guide this week and it is one that you will not soon forget and I pray that it encourages you to take a minute to yourself to breathe in deeply journal if you need to and to remember that you're called for this may have to set up some boundaries may need to change some things but you're still called so girl

answer the call but maybe let's three-way with Tatiana first let's get into this episode hi how are you girl I'm good yes I'm good how are you I'm tired but I'm good oh my I got tired on lock but I'm glad we're finally able to do this I see your comments you're constantly just supporting the work that we're doing so I'm looking forward to getting to know you

You too. I appreciate this, this moment. This is wonderful. So thank you so much for having me. My pleasure. My pleasure. So you have to tell me, I get this question often where people are like, how do you balance it all? Before I ask you whether or not you're even balancing it all, I want to know, like, what are all of the things that you are trying to balance in your life right now? Gotcha. Yeah. So,

So much. Mommyhood of four babies. Okay. That's a lot. That's enough. Right. Myself. Yeah. Being a wife to my husband. Ministry.

Work within the ministry, being an author and just all that comes with that. Navigating my health, my sanity, my household, just so much. Friendships, family, it's just, it's a lot of aspects.

to life, to me. Have you found that most of the time there's one area that feels like more out of balance than the others? And that area is like, it all depends on what's happening in whatever season you're in. Exactly. Yeah. So for me, I have this thing of mom guilt because there's four babies, four little people that want my attention.

I get mom guilt. Like I don't, I feel like I don't give each child enough time and that bothers me. And so I try, I mean, I just try my best. I don't, I don't even know how else to put it. I try my best when they are home to give them the time that, that they deserve. My, my oldest daughter, she wants dates with me. We're still working on, on doing that. But yeah, I think mommy hood for me is one of the biggest. And then also,

Mm.

Because when the kids are gone, it's going to be me and him still. Right. Like I, I still got to like you when they're gone. So how old are your children? Those are the two. So the oldest is 10. Her name is Lillian. Then I have Christina. She's eight. Andrew, he's six. And then Alexandra, she's the baby. She's four. And she's our little miracle baby. Wow. So that's every two years you, you got to meet a new little person. Yeah.

It's like as soon as my body was starting to snap back, got pregnant again. Wow. Okay. So now you're trying to balance all of these things while also figuring out who you are and being married. You have to tell me when you can tell that like you are out of balance, like your life, like it feels like it's one thing after another. Nothing is working the way that it should. What is the first thing that you do? Meditate. Go straight to God.

So for me, worship is huge. It helps to just usher me back into the presence of God. Because for me, that's where I found my consistency in hope is in my time with God. In my pain from three years ago when I was going through a really bad time with my husband, we were talking about divorce. And...

So that's where I found like that consistency to him, that he was the groundwork. He was the source to help me along, you know, the journey of life and having to navigate and figuring out all the habits of things in life.

outside of him, like the practical thing. But, but just realizing that like, he just wants that intimacy. And for me, that intimacy is what helps make everything make sense. And just taking one day at a time, because when I try to think of everything as a big picture, it freaks me out, right? Like it, it gives me anxiety, I start to get nervous. And

And so it's like, literally, I'll just take one day at a time. And at the end of the day, I'm like, Lord, thank you. Yeah. Thank you for getting me through because it's like, I mean, as you know, it's just so much happening. We deal with so much. There's so many aspects to our life.

Okay, so you've mentioned that this happened at a time when you were going through a difficult season with your husband. And I'm struck by that because I feel like I've had moments in...

My marriage where we were going through a hard time and I realized part of the reason why we were going through a hard time is because the pursuit of a happy home, the pursuit of a balanced home, the pursuit of painting this picture had prioritized itself over.

over me having God as the foundation in my life. And God is like my filter. And it's so interesting because like, I know that there are women who desire to be married. There are women who desire to have children.

And then there are women who have those things and they desire to have more intimacy, more alone time. And I think part of the reason why we end up like on the other side of these fences, once we actually achieve the thing that we want is because we recognize that what I wanted is

can be distracting from who I am at my best or who I have the potential of becoming. And when your life is hijacked by good things, these are blessings. Like the marriage hopefully is a blessing. The children are blessings, but they can still be distractions if they keep you from your core and connecting with God. And it was hard for me to not feel like I was betraying my husband or betraying my children.

by saying at the end of the day, like I need to get some time with me and God so that I can be who I know I am in God. And then everything else can adjust to around that. So that's like, I'm fascinated by what you said. Absolutely. And, you know, so in my pain of dealing with that situation with my husband, I got to a point where I was like, I don't know what to do. I think I'm doing all the things right. And God made it so plain and simple. Like you said, like just, like,

just come back to me. I just need you to spend more time with me. And let me tell you, he told me he wanted me to, he wanted me to wake up early, you know, to get in a quiet space before everybody woke up. And for me, I don't like to wake up early. I am not a morning person. So I had to be really intentional, right? So I, I,

put my alarm on. And sometimes I had to put two alarms on because the first two days I was like, I'm not waking up. I'm tired. Mind you, it's also like it's summertime. So the kids don't even have to be up right now. I can sleep in and God, now you're telling me that you want me to wake up. You know, I don't like to wake up early. So on the third day,

my alarm goes off. I'm like, okay, I'm going to do this because I've exhausted all my other possibilities that I think, you know, what could help in my marriage. It wasn't, it wasn't working. It wasn't switching nothing. So I went outside. I just had my phone, had a notepad, had a pen. And I just started to like, my eyes just kind of opened up. I was taking in the fresh air. I was, I

You know, just listening to the breeze, I put on worship. And then that's when, you know, I was ushered into the presence of God. And he was able to speak to me clearly. And everything he spoke to me is just like, I just started jotting down. And for me, so journaling for me is huge. I'm able to take everything that God is saying to me and now say,

Like visibly see it because sometimes we can hear but then it's like we forget about it You know, it doesn't it doesn't sink in and so in these moments i'm journaling And now I have proof now. I have all these words that god is is reminding me. He's he's encouraging me He's uplifting me. He's giving me that hope and that power back that I had lost in that situation He had given me that peace back that I had lost You know our home at that time was not peaceful so

So for me, like you said, same thing, having him as a core is crucial. Wow. And at that moment, it's like things started to change. I started to see myself differently. He opened my eyes to me.

Just to realize that I'm not perfect and that I actually needed some work to do. Which is crazy. Yes. Right? Really? Do I really need to work on myself? Surely not me. I can tell you all of the things wrong with him, but why is this about me when it's him? Right. Nothing is wrong with me. I'm perfect. But no, but yeah, so he was able then in those moments to do a work on my heart.

And I was able to deal now in that situation in a totally different way. I was being now consistent. I was like, okay, God, you gave me peace yesterday. I'm going to come back out here again and do the same thing. So I was consistent for like 31 days journaling and having all this and

And there was a shift. And the work that God did through me, my husband saw. And in turn, he shifted him. You know, something, whatever God did in me, and I can't even fully express. I don't know, you know, whatever God does with our hearts. He was able to work on his too. And by the grace of God, we standing here today going on 13 years, girl. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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That's such a blessing because I think that marriage is challenging, right? It is. Someone is just all up in your stuff. Like they're watching your decision making. They're questioning your decision making. They're seeing you win. They're seeing you lose. They're telling you they're coaching you when you've lost. Sometimes you're taking credit when you win in those moments where you want to say it was all you and you can find yourself challenging.

in marriage becoming territorial over what you have left. Like we've already combined this, we've already combined that, and this is what I have left. And yet learning this dance of when you win, I win. And when you lose, we lose. And so how do we grow? It can be so challenging. Yeah, it's a team. It's a beautiful team. But what I love about what you said is you're taking ownership of

of your role in it, your need for growth. And one of the things that I think is so important for women when they're going through any relationship challenge, not just marriage, any relationship challenge, is to first come to a place where you identify your role in it, whether you were complicit in allowing it to happen or aggravating and pushing it to happen. Like, what role do I play in this?

And what boundaries do I need to create in order for this to not happen again? How do I self-soothe? How do I give myself the thing that I am demanding this person give me? And I do think from there, we get to qualify whether or not we can engage with the person in the most whole version of ourselves. So I want to know, like, what is one thing that you feel like you discovered about yourself that you have had to pay attention to moving forward in

consistently in order to keep your marriage functioning at its best standard? Honestly, it was just tapping into the, I call it, or God gave me it, the inner her, which is, is him. It's his spirit that dwells within us. He, he created us all unique, all different. But with him in us, I mean,

There's nothing that we can't do. The thing is, is that we will read the scriptures, but we won't fully believe the scriptures, right? It's like, it's just reading pages. And so I, I got to a point where I,

I allowed the scriptures to speak to my inner her, like my soul, like just deep within me to where I resonate and I believe every single thing that is in that word. And that came from the intimacy with God.

Um, there's, there's no other way around it. There's a boldness that came. There's a confidence. And let me tell you, I don't know what I'm doing. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, who really knows? Like I said, we take it, we take our days day by day, trusting God that the doors that he's open, you know, he's going to see that he is glorified. And so,

I just trust him. That intimacy helps to catapult your faith, catapult your boldness. And

And so I just trust in that in every area and every aspect of life. And in dealing with my husband, like I realize we're all flawed. Okay. There is not one person that is not flawed. Right. And we all need grace. And so it just gets to the point where you're like, you know what? I need grace daily. So now I need to extend that grace to my husband. Okay.

I need to allow him to walk his journey out the same way I want him to allow me to figure this thing out. And now I'm able to love you. And I think it just comes to the point. I just got to the point. I just want to love the way Jesus loves. That's it. Point blank. Jesus, can I be more like you? That's it. Every day, help me to be more like you.

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So it sounds like leaving space for individuality in your marriage has also helped for you all to kind of heal. So I'm wondering, as you've continued to add label after label to your life and to your many roles as a pastor, a wife, a mother, an entrepreneur, you continue to add these different labels. How do you hang on to your individuality and not allow it to get lost in the sauce of who you are to other people?

I carve out me time. What do you do for me time? Oh, girl.

I love me some makeup. Okay. I love going to Sephora. I love going up and down those aisles, trying on makeup. I was just saying I need a massage. I love going to get pampered and just winding down, relaxing. I love to go watch a movie. I love to go out, have dinner with my girlfriends. I mean, you know what I really love to do, and I haven't done it in a while, I need to get back to it, is salsa dancing.

Ah, fancy. Yes, girl. You better salsa dance. We love to see it. I need to get into it. So yeah, there's lots of, lots of things I enjoy. Have you noticed that doing those types of things, like remind you of like your inner child, like allowing your inner child to have fun. I think it helps me even with like,

my own balancing of it all. Like, I think it's difficult for me to always be in like super mom, super business owner, super pastor, like super, super, super mode. It is too much. Sometimes I just want to be a girl, just like a little girl having fun. And so as you are exploring all of your roles, I wonder like that little girl, how does she have fun within you and how do you honor her existence? Yeah.

Oh my gosh. Okay, so let me tell you. First of all, my mom, she was, my mother was a model. Okay, my mother took care of herself. And so I saw this as a young girl. I had that as a model to take care of yourself physically, you know, and internally. So just realizing God loves me the way I am.

And he wants me to continue to be youthful, not to allow the pressures of every role to consume you. To remember that there is, like you said, a young girl. There's a playful side to you as well. And you don't need to be so harsh and don't need to be so, you know what it is? It's being authentically you. Wow.

the way that God created you, you know, everyone has gifts and talents and things that they enjoy. And I think a lot of times we look to other people, um, not as just like an inspirational role model, but to be them. And that is not what we are to do. We need to find our gifts and talents and tap, tap into that. Like the things that I enjoy is not what somebody else, you know, may enjoy. So, um,

So, I mean, just realizing that God has made us all different, unique, and walking in that and accepting that, that we are not to be like anyone else. Has authenticity always been something that's easy for you or have you had to really, really? Tell me about that. Okay. So first of all, just, I mean, just ministry itself. So I,

I didn't grow up in ministry. I didn't go to school for this. I was not a natural born speaker. I actually had a fear of speaking that came from when I was younger. I used to do pageants and I bombed it with the easiest question there ever was. And since then, I had built up this wall, like I can't speak in front of people. And it's like once I got to a point...

When I met my husband. I didn't know he was a pastor. I just met a tall, dark, and handsome man. And there was something different about him that intrigued me. And I was like, okay, I'm going to give this a chance. Mind you, I had just got out of a really bad relationship, so I wasn't really looking for anything serious. But there was something different about him. And it was just...

I don't even know how to express it. I didn't realize that

what I saw in him was God. That's what I was intrigued to. So I didn't grow up knowing how to be a pastor's wife. I didn't know, you know, ministry. How about this? I wasn't even saved at the time that I met my husband. He's the one that led me to Christ. And I had to learn on my own. I had to figure things out and really tap in to God and that connection with him and just trust what he said. And so I, I,

What I do sometimes is I like I'll hold on to his promises that that he has helped me from, you know, help me in the past. And I'm like, Lord, OK, if you help me, then I know you can you can help me now. So I'm just grateful. I'm grateful because I do.

I didn't grow up in all this, but I'm trusting God one day at a time that he, you know, the work that he started, he's going to finish. It's scary though. It's scary. Yes. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it really is. I think the fear of messing it up, the fear of disappointing someone, the fear of learning and teaching at the same time, it's hard. Yeah.

Yeah, like, I mean, there's been times where I'm like, God, why me? Why would you choose me? Of all the people in this entire world, why would you choose me? And one day he said to me, he was like, why not? He was like, why not you? He's like, I've put myself in you. So now you are prepared.

you know, but you got to trust me and you got to do some work. You got to get in your word. You got to read the words you, so the scriptures can come alive. Yeah. Um,

You know, spend time with me in worship, spend time with me in prayer, do your journaling. And so he, you know, he's given me steps along the way and I see just what sticks, what works and helps me. But now after that pain that I went through and seeing that consistency, there was a shift. And so now I have this new perspective.

boldness, you know, that, that the messy he put me in or the, not the mess that he put me in, but the mess that I was in, he's now giving me a message to help somebody else who may be going through the same mess to know that you don't have to stay there. You can get out and with God, I mean, anything is possible. Yeah. I was going to ask you, how did that

How did you pivot from being the one who's new and I'm still learning things and I didn't grow up in this to someone who's now feeling equipped to be a teacher and to pull other people up from the very things that you may have stumbled in? It's honestly just been the doors that God has opened that I know myself and no other man could have done. And trusting that, trusting that

Like I said, what he has started, he's got to finish. And so I will bring his, his words, do his remembrance, be like, Lord, you put me here. So now I'm going to need you to do a special work through me. And it sounds like you feel a special message for people who've maybe had some of your similar experiences. Is that right? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Well, in particular women, um,

I just, I have this passion inside of me that I want women to know how loved they are. I'm realizing that so many of us

We're lacking. We're lacking in some certain area, but not realizing that we are all lacking in some areas. So others look to other people like, oh, you got it together. You know, you must be doing just fine. No, there's a lack that we all have. And it takes work and consistency and prioritizing and being intentional on working through that. And so, but...

But I really just want to help women step into their purpose, realize their purpose and their calling and that they were all created on purpose for a purpose for a time such as this. And that there is nothing that that can stop you, but you, it's your own mindset. And it's it, you need, we need to get out of our own heads.

and start getting into our hearts because that's where God deals. He deals with our hearts. Always. Okay. So what is one thing that most people think that you possess that is actually something that you lack? Wow. I mean, there's so much in just insecurity in itself. So, so for me, if I am not

fully 100% good at something, I shy away from it. I don't really want to do it. And so everybody's like, oh, you're good. You up there speaking. No, this is something that I do intentionally because I'm trusting God and I'm trusting the path that he has me on. But it doesn't mean that it's comfortable and that I like it. But I do it because I know that there is some sort of inner peace that is like,

God has given me that this is where you are supposed to be, but, but it's not comfortable. That's I feel like the things that, that people applaud me for are the things that require I lean into God the most. I'm like, you're at this point, you're not like speaking. Like, that's not like, it just requires like, that is the area of my life. It takes a lot, right? It takes, it takes everything. Yeah.

It takes absolutely everything. Well, I will say you do it very well. Well, that's God showing up through me. When I be praying, I'm like, here we are again because of you. So let's do it. One more time. Yeah. Let's see what can happen from here. And I do think that ultimately that people are drawn not to our gifts, not to our talents. People are drawn to the things that we do in the earth that require we partner with God.

And no matter what you do, if you're not partnering with God, you can't really bring transformation. People can have a good time. They can have fun. But people walking away saying my life was changed. That changed my life. That changed the way I see my world. That changed the way I see my trauma. That can only happen through God. And at the end of the day, that is the only thing worth doing.

That is 100%. There is no change without God doing a work on our hearts. And like I said, I don't know how he does it. I don't know what he does, but when we enter ourselves, when we allow ourselves to realize that we don't know it all, we can't do it all, that we are nothing without him, that

He is the potter. We are the clay. We are putty in his hands. And then honestly, we really can not do much, only so much without him. That's where the power is, is realizing that we are empowered through him. And that's where he wants us to be. He wants us to be like little children every day.

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What I love about how we started this conversation, when I asked you, what is the first thing you do when everything is out of balance and you feel overwhelmed? And you said, I start with meditation because the only way that we can consistently determine what we need to prioritize, determine whether or not we need to create a boundary, what we say yes to or no to has to come from a place of center. My husband wrote a book called Balance that really centers around this topic.

And making sure that we can discover that place of balance through meditation, through centering ourselves is how we learn to show up for other people. So I commend you for knowing that innately. I think the first thing I do when I feel overwhelmed and out of control is try to go to bed. Maybe, is that meditation? Maybe. I don't. Kind of. In a way. You get in quite.

Solitude. Resting. Yeah, that's a fun meditation. Tatiana, who is a woman in your life who has been most instrumental in helping you learn how to prioritize? Girl, that's hard. There's so many. Okay. Jesus, there's so many. Okay. So I'm going to say... Okay, so there's two. I'm going to say my mother. Okay. Because...

she's so good at like taking care of herself, you know, having her friends group, you know, being with her husband, being 100 for her kids. Um, and mind you, she's a woman that came from another country. Like her first language is not English. And so her faith walked us in that, marrying a man from the States and, and trusting that leaving her whole world and her whole life. And, um,

Coming to the U.S., barely speaking any English, going to school to learn English, just like her faith walk, all of that, and seeing that it is possible and her prioritizing just everything.

was huge for me. And, and, and so our relationship, my relationship with her from when I was a little girl to now is, has always been so close, so tight, um, very loving and encouraging, just unconditional all the time, but very honest, but her prioritizing just every

all the facets has been eyeopening for me. Yeah. I love that you said she was honest. I don't hear that as a trait that we, a lot of people with often, because I do think that there is something about being honest,

honest and knowing what you're getting from someone that builds a sense of integrity and trust in that dynamic. Yes. What's one thing- Even if it's going to hurt. Yeah. Even if it's going to hurt. Yeah. You know, try and put a little anesthesia on there, but certainly make sure the person gets it. What's one thing that you hope that your mother knows about the impact that she's had on your journey of womanhood? Hmm.

My God, you're trying to make me cry, girl. She has a dear place in my heart. But honestly, it's just thank you because she, to me, is the epitome of unconditional love. I don't remember even in my childhood ever having any much discord with her. She was always hands-on.

and pleasant and like I said just loving 100 and it rolls into now with our children and how present she is and how hands-on and how much they try to she tries to get my children almost every weekend I swear if my kids could live there they would and so I would just say mom thank you for your unconditional love showing

God's love in a human form. Wow. To give me an example of how now I need to show that same love and grace to everyone else, even while you're taking care of a family and yourself and you're working and learning a new language and becoming a citizen of the United States and, you know, just all her journey and her faith walk.

So just thank you, mama. Beautiful. She sounds like an incredible woman. And she is. Yeah, that she gave birth to an incredible woman. So thank you, Tatiana, for spending time with us. Thank you, girl. Thank you. I look forward to hopefully meeting you in person one day if we get to connect on the socials a lot. But this was this was the beginning. No, I need like I need like a real life. Yes. Yes.

I need that real connection. I'm a hugger. Oh, me too. Me too. I love a good hug. Thank you. You take care. I hope you have a good day. I will. Thank you. You too. Bye. Bye-bye.

Okay, girls, so we all want to know when is this staycation booked? What are you going to do to interrupt your daily schedule so that you can make sure you're making time for yourself? As a matter of time, we really want to mind your business. I want you to send us a video or a picture of you taking care of you. Just snap a selfie, send it to us at podcast at woman evolved.com. We want to see how you are consistently prioritizing you, your relationship with God so that you can show up for the people in your world.

I so enjoyed this episode and I hope you did too. We'll be back next week talking all things consistency, all things evolving, all things in the presence of God so that we can become everything we're meant to be. We'll talk to you next week. I'm a good lawyer and I want to win. I think I killed GT.

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